Coffee, Susan, please.
With vanilla.
Good day, Mrs. Mirabeau.
- Ernie.|- Carolina.
And of course, good day
to the fairy princess herself,|Miss Georgia.
So how's married life|treating you this week, Ernie?
Fine.
Fine, fine.
It's another book.|You know me,
I didn't go through the 8th grade.|My grandbaby here reads Anna Karena.
Anna Karenina. She jumped in front|of a train when her boyfriend left.
Yeah, well grandma's gotta pee.
I want coffee, please.
No, you're too little.
You have coffee.
Thank you, that'll be all Susan.
You know what, you're not a fairy|princess. You're a fairy bitch.
Yeah, you're an ugly smart bitch.|No one will ever marry you.
I hate you!
- I hate you even more!|- Look at my shoes!
So what do I care?
- You did that on purpose!|- No I didn't!
- Yes you did!|- No!
- I didn't!|- Yes you did!
You're a bitch!
Go ahead, kill each other.
Don't worry about the mess.|I'II hose it down after the killing.
Friends, I need some peace.
But Millie, you can't leave them|outside with those butcher knives.
They ain't that sharp.
Georgia.
We are not being raised right.
Hi daddy.
Sweet girls, daddy's got|a surprise for you.
A big surprise.
Is it a puppy?
Meet your new baby sister.|Her name is Maine.
Is her momma dead, too?
No, her mom's in a crazy house|in Bangor.
Theodore.
Hi, momma.
These better be|your soiled shorts in here.
Give me those knives.
Don't you sound that horn
at me, you son of a bitch.|Leave another child at my doorstep.
Things are gonna be different|for you, Maine.
I promise you that.
Thanks for coming in, John.|You know how the show works, right?
Yeah, you find me a date.
Right. That is true.
But first, you need to tell me|what you look for in a woman.
Well, I want to re-enact|every scene from "91/2 Weeks."
You know, that movie with|Kim Bassinger and that guy.
When I meet my date,|I don't even want to know her name.
- Are you following this, Carolina?|- Loud and clear, Dave.
- John.|- John.
Hi, it's Maine.|Code word grim.
John, this is my assistant, Snake.|He's gonna take over for a second.
- Wait, how do you know what I want?|- John, it's what I do.
Maine?
Carolina, hello.|Grandma broke my riding crop.
Maine, you said code word grim.
And why are you speaking|in the phony British accent?
Grandma locked herself in the|dressing room and won't come out.
Okay, tell me.
They advertised a $89 VCR in the|paper but the sale ended yesterday.
Grandma said that's a crock of shit.|Snapped my riding crop in half
and locked herself in|the dressing room. Two hours ago.
Maine, just so you know, you lost|your accent on that last part.
- Is Georgia with you?|- Why yes. She is.
Georgia, it's Carolina.
Hi, what's up?
Can't you do something before this|ends up in another police report?
Maine!
Wait, we have movement.
Get me some toilet paper, honey,
cause I gotta go to the bathroom.
$56.90, lady, you win.
I want to experience you.
- Who, me?|- Sorry I'm late.
All my wonderful people.
Daphne St. Claire|is in the building.
- Nice to see you.|- How are you. Nice to see you.
Hello, my dear.
Look at all these people.|They've been camped out for days.
It's like a Pearl Jam concert.|You know why?
No, Albert, enlighten me.
Daphne's books unlock|the mysteries of love.
- We're next.|- Daphne is an oracle.
What would the oracle say about|the mysteries of my love life?
You always pick the wrong guy.|They either dump you, or...
you dump them.|You never get past the third date.
That's not true.|I have a fourth date tonight.
There you are, darling.|Have a nice day.
Wow!
Miss St. Claire, I can't tell you|what it means to finally meet you.
Well, hello, darling.
That's the second bad accent|I've heard today.
Who shall I make this out to?
Albert Morris.
I love all your books.
They'rejust so...
glamorous.
Like you. Daphne, tell me...
How do you write|about love so well?
Are you gay?
Not gay. Just a fan.
All hearts know about love.|All you have to do is listen.
- She was good this time, wasn't she?|- She was sober this time.
Your publisher should really hire a|better actress for your next book.
Remember, I want a full report|on the fourth date in the morning.
You have one message.
Hi, Carolina. This is Blake.
Listen, about tonight...|Something came up.
Morning.
Good morning, Carolina.
How was the fourth date?
He cancelled.
He dumped you?
You all right?
Of course I am.|I've forgotten about it already.
You should move, Allie.
You an afford a house|in Beverly Hills or adjacent.
And I hear they keep their car|stereos for 6 months around there.
No, I like the ambience here.
The ever-changing graffiti,
the distinct aroma of urine|in the air...
Wondering why that helicopter|keeps circling over my head.
I like our morning ritual. It makes|me feel like I've got a real job.
Have a great day at work.
Yeah, you too. Take care.
Hi.
Okay.
I don't normally do this,
but I don't think that people who|do this are freaks. Necessarily.
Anyway, I'm looking for a woman.
Hi.
I'm funny and I'm fun and...
I'm a good dancer, good kisser,
and I'm looking for someone|"who is nice and has a good job".
I got to see|"some pearly white teeth".
You can't be missing teeth. And no|yellow teeth, know what I'm saying?
A sense of humor is key.
Cause a lot of women,|they don't get my sense of humor.
They think I'm rude,|sarcastic or arrogant
It gets misinterpreted.
I like to feel her skin|and I like to...
see and taste and...
that's, you know,|I'm in touch with my senses.
And rather than me tell you,|I'll tell you what I've heard.
Men and women should be|equal partners in life.
Men and women should be|equal partners in life.
Anyway,
my name's Heath Pierson.
I'm fresh off
the Virgin 747 to Los Angeles|and I'm new here.
So...
- Snake!|- Yeah?
- I am the one they call Snake.|- Who's that guy?
He's one of the late ones|after you left.
- Put him on with that Kate girl.|- Kate? All right.
Why is it so quiet?|Where is everybody?
Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
Daphne? Are you there?|I've got to go.
Are you all set?
Daphne, aren't you ready yet?
Princess Tabitha has just been|kidnapped by Roark
the Pirate, who has dragged her|into his lair of wanton desire.
Isn't that the third "pirate capture|the princess" story you've written?
Pirates are classic.
And why are all the girls always|princesses, tell me that?
All women are princesses.|Guess what happens next.
She caresses|his throbbing manhood.
No, too soon, my pretty.
Guess again.
She removes her bodice|with trembling hands.
No, he'll remove it. He'll do it.|Last guess, make it a good one.
Okay.|His hands slowly roam
his newly conquered territory.
That I like.
I'll have to drive at warp speed.
- Okay, let's go, thief.|- Save, save, save!
The weathertoday in Los Angeles,|temperatures in the low to mid 80's.
Breezy at times, with a few|scattered clouds and smog levels.
Boy does your grandmother live|in a strange part of Los Angeles.
Why is it so hard to be|an adult around my family?
That's why I left my family
3,000 miles away and came here.
Grandma'll make a scene, someone'll|get drunk and try to shoot someone.
Georgia will end up crying for no|reason. It's like family voodoo.
That's why I like it.
Grandma likes you, but if she knew|you were Daphne she'd kill you.
Hey, Chang, how are you doing?
Hello.
- Hey!|- Hey!
How's your wee thing hanging,|Albert?
- Awee bit to the left.|- Oh, yeah.
Carolina, how're you doing, baby?
- I'm good, how are you?|- I'm good, baby.
- These are for you.|- Thank you.
Why did you go waste your money on|something that's gonna die anyway?
Cause I wanted to.
Well, next time,|make it perfume.
So how are you, grandma?
I'm as nervous as a whore|in church, honey.
I've got all this food to cook up|for my crazy family.
- Would you let me help this time?|- No, you'll just get in the way.
Well, I hear you're bringing|your new man.
I broke up with him.
You broke up with him?
Carolina.
Lying your ass off|is unbecoming, honey.
You go see Maine. She's been|hollering for you all day.
I swear that child is one taco|short of a combination plate.
Albert, come in here|and get your belly full.
- I've got a present for you.|- Don't you knock?
Mirabeaus don't knock.|Maine, we have no boundaries.
What are you doing?
Maine is winning the lottery.
Is that so?
The rocking horse boy rode so hard|he went into a trance
and in the trance he saw the winning|horse's name before each race.
You reading D.H. Lawrence now?
I put big money on the Kentucky|Derby and I'm gonna win the lottery.
I've already seen two winning|lottery numbers. 4 and 27, see?
4 and 27.
If you insist on patronizing me,|please leave.
You're clouding my trance.
What's that?
Onscreen programming.
You can set the timer to record|your favorite shows. See?
Don't let technology scare you.
Nothing scares me, kid.|I just want you to do it for it.
Hey.
Guess what? Grandma got a top of the|line VCR. It only cost her 50 bucks.
So I heard.
Shut.
You gotta do what you gotta do,|Carolina.
Life is serious business.
I got me my leather interiors|with that toilet paper trick.
Works every single time.|No bullshit.
Okay, all you lazy
good-for-nothing goldbrickers.
Dinner is served.|Come and get it.
If grandma offers you|jerky or chitlings say no.
Well.
I see your Aunt Marilyn|brought her breasts.
- Warning one, Albert.|- How long was she in for?
Three months.
Aunt Marilyn used her|little black book again.
Police chief, who was into high|heels, let her out on good behavior.
Inspiring. She should write a book.|Daphne St. Claire could co-write it.
- Over Daphne's dead body.|- Daphne could use the research.
Would you really sleep with a $50|a night hooker and pay for it?
I don't know about paying for it.
No, seriously.
Seriously?
I've never really been|a one-night-stand kind of guy.
So you've been in love with|all the women you've slept with?
Well...
Well, how many have there been?
Afew.
Okay, but how many?
Hey, back off.
So you really think you know|what love feels like?
Come on, Carolina,|stop dawdling.
- Come on.|- Yes, Ma'am.
No, I don't eat meat any more,|remember?
And you wonder why|you can't find a man?
Watch it.
Next.
Got it close, didn't I?
What's that in your hand?
It's a party, isn't it?
What's with you
and my daughter?|Ain't you having sex yet?
What?
No, no. We're just good friends,|that's all.
What's the matter?|She not good enough for you?
- No, no.|- What?
I mean, yes, of course she is...|She's just...
friends and sex don't mix.
Where's... I'm sorry, what's|his name, your new boyfriend?
- Seth.|- Right.
I broke his heart.
Why do I keep doing that?
What happened?
I told him my baby wasn't his.
You're pregnant?
How can you be pregnant?
The usual way.
Do you know who the father is?
Excuse me?
I mean, of course, of course|you know who the father is. Right?
I do.
Well, do you want me|to go with you?
I'm gonna keep it.
You're gonna raise a baby|all by yourself?
You don't have a job.|You've never had a job.
I tried to get ajob once.
I didn't have the right shoes.
Don't tell grandma, okay?
I'll tell her.|When the time's right.
Okay?
Grandma, have you read|Daphne St. Claire's new book?
Oh, you're damned straight|I have.
That's what you need, girl.
A man like Ashlen China|from "Roughing it at Midnight."
Ashlen's from "Moonlight Rhapsody."|He's not her type.
You read the romances, Marilyn?
Oh, I already know|all I need to know.
I bet you do.
I like you, Albert, because you're|a man who has no shame about reading
the romances.
Did you read|"Love's Sacred Desire"?
Crap!
You didn't like "Desire"?
No. That Daphne St. Claire|shot her wad on that one.
Too much talking,|not enough loving.
What she needs to do is get drunk|and howl at the moon.
I agree.
You could use a little howling|yourself, honey.
I'm focusing on my career.
Okay, but your titties aren't gonna|stay perfect forever, you know.
Well, that's what surgery's for.
Right.
You got one big problem, Carolina.|It's called bad man picking.
How can you say that when you've|only met one guy I've been with?
I don't need to meet the rooster|when I got the hen right here.
And the hen's not happy.
The hen is, too, happy.
The hen looks down on|her grandma
cause the grandma leads her life|exactly anyway she damn pleases.
In fact,|the hen hates her grandma
- cause of that.|- I do not.
It'sjust that I would|do things differently.
Oh, really, how's that?
Everybody.
I have an announcement to make.|This year
I'm gonna have a formal Christmas|sit-down dinner
at my house. And I hope|all of you can make it.
This is where we eat, Carolina.|You know that.
- But wouldn't it be nice if...?|- Lf?
If a frog had wings he wouldn't|bump his ass so much. No.
Well, what about you guys?
Anyone?
Daddy?
Why don't you girlsjust figure this|out and tell me where you want me?
I can't believe he just sat there|and did nothing.
He was drunk.
That was his excuse when he drove us|off the overpass when I was ten.
What happened.
We all died, Albert.
The reservoir was full of sand.
She'll never come, will she?
She'll come.
Hey, I can't even wait|for Christmas.
Night.
Welcome to our local show.
I'm Desie Dean.
Welcome to the Perfect Date|pre-show.
First, to warm us up, my friends|swami Hemichandra.
La-mastra everybody. The warm up|is stand up, everybody cold.
Are you Carolina?
- Yeah, yes.|- Hi. I'm Heath Pierson.
Snake says you're the one to thank|for choosing me as a contestant.
You're welcome, Heath.|Was it a successful date?
Yes, yes it was.|The romance wasn't there, but...
we had a good time.
What a great attitude. Most people,|if it's not love at first sight,
they wished they had never|come on the show. Why did you?
I lost a bet with someone in my|office. But I thought, 'Why not? "
I'm new to L.A,|I don't know anyone.
And it's a difficult city|to meet people in, as you know.
We're on in 10 minutes.
You don't want that on you.
Hello, everybody.|Okay, is anyone nervous?
Don't be. The hard part's over.|You've already had the date.
Now all you have to do|is tell Chuck all about it.
- My date hated me. I could tell.|- I'm sure she didn't, John.
Actually, he's right.|He's a complete asshole.
Okay. Tara, you know you can't|say "asshole" on TV, right?
He took notes on everything I did.|And my name's not Tara, it's Kate.
I'm Tara.
And I didn't hate my date.|He was totally hot.
Oh, I see.
Okay, Kate.
Let's stick to positive comments|when we're on the air, okay?
I understand. You screwed up.
I should have had him.
Hello, I'm your new P.A.|Kristine.
Phone call
- for Carolina.|- Take a message, please.
Snake said to tell you that|Georgia's blowing chunks.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Kristine, can you please escort our|contestants to the holding room?
Okie dokie, you've got it.
So who knows where|the holding room is?
From Hollywood,
it's your favorite game show,|"The Perfect Date." And now here's
your perfect host,|Chuck McBride.
Keep it coming. I can feel it.|I can feel it. I need your love.
Georgia, you're supposed|to throw up all the time.
Maybe because there's a person|growing inside you.
We sent two contestants|on a blind date.
You get to see the results right|here. And then you get to decide.
Was it the perfect date!
What a putz.
Let's see those first two guests|right now. Here are Heath Pierson
and Tara Barnell.
Carolina!
What? You still haven't told|grandma you're pregnant yet?
Carolina!
Georgia, I'll call you back.
Do we still have anyone working|around this piece of crap show?
Job opening.
I am so sorry.|I heard what happened.
How did you know|this was my car?
Your name is on the fence.
Souvenir.
Do you want me|to sign it for you?
You're funny.
Yeah, well,|Chuck overruled funny.
You have to believe there's|something better coming along.
I'm guessing you don't want to work|a game show the rest of your life.
You must be from a rich family.
I thought so.
Well,
I can afford to buy you dinner.
You get me fired|and you want to buy me dinner?
Excellent question.
I hope you told him|to bugger off.
He must be really,|really good looking.
- Yes, but...|- I thought so.
Otherwise you wouldn't go out|with a guy who got you fired.
He didn't get me fired,|Georgia did.
Georgia didn't get you fired.|You got yourself fired.
You have to learn how to say no.
Like to this Heath person.
- Pierson. It's Heath Pierson.|- I mean person.
Like this stupid Heath person.
What? Oh, who cares?
I got fired and I came over|to talk to you
because you're my best friend and|all we're doing is argue about it.
State your business.|- It's Carolina.
I need you to say you're coming|to Christmas dinner right now.
Listen, baby, I got me|a fur person now.
And fur people|who do not understand
- formal sit down dinners...|- "Nobody's gonna come if you don't"
I need you to do this for me,|please.
Are you crying, baby?
Yes or no?
Why are you crying, honey?
Bye, grandma.
And remember you're hauling|Georgia's butt here this weekend.
I won't forget.
All right.
Hello.
It's me.
May I come in?
I'm sorry.
I wasn't very sympathetic.
Where'd that come from?
I have 53 dollars
in my savings account.|I have to go and look for a job.
And the milk goes bad in two days.|What am I gonna do, Albert?
You get an interview|with the big boys.
You put on your black suit,|pull your hair into that little...
twisty thing, and they'll|fall in love with you
and hire you on the spot.
There are 150 people applying|for one job in television.
Maybe.
But there's only one Carolina.
Towel.
You want to go to the movies|tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night's my date|with Heath.
I know we met under unusual|circumstances, but...
I wanted to ask you out to dinner|the moment I saw you.
You did?
You were biting your lower lip.
I was?
It was very, very sexy.
Are you for real?
Are you just
randomly throwing out lines|or are you telling the truth?
I guess I'm randomly|telling the truth.
So, you're from London.|Tell me about that.
Well, there's not much to tell.
I have a younger sister,|Sara,
and my father's a banker.|My mother teaches English at Oxford,
which is where I went to university.|I played on the cricket team.
I'm an executive at an advertising|agency, and I have a flat in Paris.
Do you have a wife and kids? Even|if they're in Tulsa, I want to know.
Why are you staring at me?
No wife, no kids.|Where's Tulsa?
In Oklahoma. It's a state.
Like Carolina the state?
Yes, I was named after a state.
My sisters, Georgia and Maine|were also named after states.
Whatever state my father happened|to be in when we were born.
We were named after postmarks.|Those are
on postcards, but you don't|want to hear about that.
I don't?
No.
North or south?
What?
Carolina.
I had a wonderful time tonight.
So did I.
Carolina the state.
North or south.
Yep. South.
Definitely South Carolina.
Are you sure you want|to move in with grandma?
Well, I can't raise a baby|by myself.
- You could move in with me.|- Oh, sweet.
So super sweet, but you know, the|baby will have Maine to play with.
You know me, I like a lot|of energy around me.
Well, you have told grandmother|that you're pregnant, right?
Right?
Well, I'm still waiting|for the perfect time to tell her.
Back up, back up.
Back in the car. I'm bored.|We're going to the movies.
- Come on.|- Let's unload the U-Haul first.
I don't want to do any work.|I want to go be entertained by some
black and white piece of crap.
I'm off duty when I'm dreaming.
You smiling rat bastard,|you're gonna be dead soon.
- Grandma, please.|- Keep it down!
I want popcorn.
Not spending six bucks on twenty|cents worth of popcorn, honey.
I made this gumbo yesterday.|You're gonna eat it and be happy.
How are you feeling, Ben?|I thought you were sick.
Well, ask her where|she was last night.
Show's up there, buddy.
- I want popcorn.|- Stop, stop.
Jeff, why don't you tell me you've|been working hard at the bank.
Who'd you put out for, Popsicle?|Sure as hell can't act worth a lick.
Will you shut up?
Listen, sonny...
Grandma, I'm pregnant.
Georgia, now is not the time.
What?
Hold it.
- Hold it.|- You hold it.
Well thank you for revealing|that little tidbit of information
before you unloaded the U-Haul.
Cause my child-rearing days|are over, sunshine.
It's not gonna cost a thing.|I'm gonna breastfeed it.
Can we talk about this|in the lobby, please?
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to|take your seat and lower your voice.
What are you?
I'm the manager, ma'am.
- How old are you, Mr. Manager?|- Twenty, ma'am.
Listen. Carefully,|you leave now.
I can't do that, ma'am.
You know murder is a funny thing.
It happens to all sorts of people|in all sorts of places.
Nobody's safe any more.
Even little snot-nosed, pudgy
theatre managers running up and|down the aisle with a flashlight.
We never get to see the end|of the movie when you come.
I'm gonna calm Maine down and|get Georgia's stuff to my house.
You think it's a good idea,|do you?
Saddling yourself with two kids when|you don't even have a job yourself.
Yes, I do.
I thought you'd be|on your horse.
I'm not in the mood.
And what about your numbers?
I've only got two numbers left.
Girls, get your butts
out here and help Georgia|unload the U-Haul.
She's pregnant, for God's sake.
Come on, get your butts out.
So I moved Georgia in.
And still she's gonna have a baby|with no father around.
I can't believe she's gonna let|history repeat itself like that.
She has her own free will.|She can do what she wants.
Yeah, but she's not even taking it|seriously. It's no big deal to her.
- She's doing something unexpected.|- It's not unexpected, you're right.
You know, the problem isn't her.|It's you.
What?
Things don't always have to go|according to plan.
Your plan.
No.
Let go. And for God's sake,|Carolina,
live a little.
Carolina Mirabeau.
Live a little.
Happy birthday, Carolina.
- It's my birthday.|- Happy birthday to you.
Happy, happy, happy birthday.
What are you doing for Christmas?
- All right?|- Yes, you look lovely, darling.
Come here.
You're gonna be late.
Who cares?|I'm having fun.
Oh, Albert,
come out here.|I want you to meet somebody.
Hey.
Albert. Heath,|this is Albert Morris,
my neighbor.|My neighbor and best friend.
Hi. Heath Pierson.|I've heard a lot about you.
You have?
Well I've heard|a lot about you too.
Good. Of course.
Did you get my birthday card?|I left it on your doorstep.
Yes. Thank you.
Did you read it?
I haven't gotten a chance|to open it yet.
Of course, you were busy.
Well, read the card.
And if you're still interested,|let me know, okay?
I should be off.|Nice to meet you, Albert.
Can we do that again, please?
When we get to the piano dynamic,|keep the tempo...
Do you think the musicians|ever miss a note?
Of course.|Nobody's perfect.
That's why there's|so many of them up there.
Enjoy your present now.
They're all playing for you.
Why don't you like him, Albert?|You don't even know him.
I know him.
Now he is perfect.|He's Flawless Man.
Flawless body without working out,|flawless smile, never runs out gas,
never breaks a sweat.|Never says the wrong thing.
Makes us ordinary guys|feel invisible.
You got all that|from one hello?
I'm a writer. Ljudge character|faster than a speeding bullet.
I thought we didn't judge.
We judge when the rules are broken.|You slept with him last night
on the 2nd date at your house.|That breaks every Carolina rule.
But I've lived a little,|Albert.
I want a normal, available guy,|and I think I've found one.
He makes me happy.
Anyone named Heath Pierson|is not a normal guy.
I saw his car.
A Jaguar.
He's not a normal guy.
I invited him to Christmas dinner.
You did what?
Christmas dinner's for family.
And what about you, anyway?|You write about all this passion
and romance and|"my love for you is endless."
When was the last time|you went on a date?
As it so happens,|I do have a date.
Come on, you do not, Albert.
I do, too.|Why is that so surprising?
A fourth date, in fact.|She's a writer.
And not another Daphne write, but a|New York Times bestseller writer.
I met her
at my publisher's holiday party|two weeks ago. Enjoy the concert.
...four bars straight there.|Join in the fun. A little more Sax.
So you're telling me you honestly|don't know what happened?
No. It's just not like Albert.
It is hard work being so dense,|Carolina.
What is that supposed to mean?
Why don't you take a ride on Maine's|horse and see what come up.
Be careful,|that's my wedding china.
Why can't you just say|what you mean?
All right.|Here's a thought.
Forget about Albert, forget|about Maine and forget about me,
for that matter.
What about you, Carolina?|Why is your life so hard?
Makes me think you're living|somebody else's instead.
Okay. Okay, fine.
Tomorrow is Christmas dinner. I want|you there more than anyone else.
Shit! Why didn't you say so|in the first place?
Hi. You look nice.
Carolina.
Look at these plates. Grandma|lent them to me for Christmas.
All this time using paper plates|and she had an entire set of china.
- Can you believe that?|- Carolina.
Anyway, I want to apologize for|the Hollywood Bowl thing yesterday.
- Carolina.|- You can date whoever.
Or is it whomever? Whatever.|Anyway, it's really not my business.
I'm just glad you're getting|out there and taking chances.
And she's a writer,
a real writer.
Carolina, she's here.
Debbie, this is Carolina, my friend.|Carolina, this is Debbie.
Hi, it's nice to meet you.|Albert's told me a lot about you.
Albert's told me|a lot about you, too.
I mean,|he was just about to tell me
more than he has,|like that you're pretty and smart,
which you are obviously.|You look great. You two look great.
Together. A couple. So where|are you guys going, anyway?
To a Christmas Eve service.
My mom and dad and I
go every year.|It's kind of a family tradition.
That's lovely.
All you lazy, good-for-nothing|goldbrickers, dinner is served.
Merry Christmas.
Grandma, I told you|not to bring anything.
How are you gonna feed all these|people with one piddly bird?
Now, nobody eat.
Grandma's gotta pee.
She brought her own turkey.
I know. I saw.
Albert. Are you staying?
- Of course.|- What about Debbie?
She's with her parents.|We're gonna meet after dinner.
I don't have a name card for you.
That's okay.|I can remember my own name.
Oh, here, sit there.|Aunt Marilyn got arrested again.
Carolina, honey,|you're out of toilet paper.
Okay, who wants to say grace?
I do.
Albert, I love you like a son,|honey, but you Jewish people...
you can't kill Christ and expect to|have a conversation with him later.
Fine. He's all yours.|I'll chat with him over dessert.
I'll get it, I'll get it.|Go ahead, carry on.
Who's missing?
Everybody, this is Heath.|Heath, everybody.
My family.
Sorry I'm late everyone.
Happy Christmas.
Wine. How lovely. I think|I have an opener in the kitchen.
Who the hell is that?
Language, girl.|No one knows who the hell it is.
- There's a lot of people.|- Yeah.
Your lipstick's smeared.
Thank you, Maine. Grandma,|will you please say grace?
Certainly.
Everyone bow their heads,|please.
Lord, bless my family.
Fill their bellies|and keep them warm and safe.
And now, let's get personal.
Please find Georgia
a man to daddy that young'un
- that she's carrying.|- Grandma...
Give Maine those lottery numbers|before she loses her virginity
on that rocking horse.
Lord, let my Teddy settle down|and plant some roots.
Look over my sister Marilyn who,|bless her soul, is back injail.
Enlighten her about|cellular telephones
and credit card transactions,|both of which are traceable.
And finally, Lord,
bless my Carolina's heart
for she is the best part of me.
Amen.
Amen.
Daddy, I think you should|carve the turkey.
Okay.
I think you got yourself|a dilemma, son.
I've got two fine-Iooking turkeys
front of me here.
And I'mjust one man.
I'd like to ask Al
to give me a hand.
Al?
I'll go get another knife.
Let's move this Martha Stewart shit|out of the way and move this turkey.
Maine, what kind of horses|do you ride?
Dead ones.
So you were raised in Britain?
I was raised right god damn here.
Language.
What happened to your accent?
I'm over it.
No, everyone has to pass|to the right.
- This way.|- Oh, to the right.
Congratulations on the baby.|Where is the father to be?
One night stand.
Daddy,
- Heath works in advertising.|- Oh, that's good work.
Have you done anything|that I might know?
Well, my firm did those|Absolut Vodka themed ads.
You know.
Bond. Absolut Bond.
Oh, yeah.
That was you?
So what kind of work|do you do, sir?
I'm a drunk.
- Been 30 days since my last drink.|- Daddy, really?
Big love, Daddy.
It's only 30 days.
Why?
Because if I leave her alone,|she's gonna pee on my shoes.
Did I tell you the one|about the time I found Marilyn
playing lollipop with|the reverend under the table?
- How about a different story?|- Okay.
How about the time Marilyn|hit me up side the head
with an axe handle?
- Yes, tell that one.|- Yeah, how'd you get back at her?
Now, even though I'm the oldest
and Marilyn is the youngest, she was|always built like a brick shithouse.
When she was ten
she didn't have those big boobs
like she's got now.|Well, she was worried about that.
And there was this dance coming up,|and I said: "Marilyn,
what you gotta do is get chicken|manure spread on those boobies
and they'll grow faster. "|And so,
she did. She spread the chicken|manure and she rubbed...
and she rubbed and she rubbed...
And she rubbed for weeks.|Comes the time for the dance,
she stank to high heaven.
And the flies were swarming|all over her.
She never hit me up side the head|with that axe handle
again.
Is that why Aunt Marilyn's|a whore?
She's not a whore, honey.|She's a madam.
She's the madam cause|she likes money without taxation.
Anyone for eggnog?
Yeah, I'll have some.|Thanks, honey.
So Heath, come over here,|honey, and sit down and tell us
all about yourself. Come on.
Actually, Mrs. Mirabeau,|I have to leave, I'm afraid.
Another Christmas party.|One of those boring
office things.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure.
Did I tell you the one|about when...
Now listen.|If you have to leave, leave.
But first, can you go back|in there and tell Carolina
how much meeting her family|has meant to you and...
and how special a day|it was for you? Can you do that?
Yeah, I can do that.|Can I ask you something?
Shoot.
You and Carolina?|Have you got a thing going on?
No.
No thing.
Good night everyone.|Off to the races.
Well, I had a good time.
I did.
You got your wish.
But next time Christmas is gonna be|in my backyard again. You got it?
I do.
It was harder than I thought it was|gonna be. You make it look easy.
Thank you.
I love you, you know.
I love you too, pet.
Oh, about Heath person of yours...
Nice boy.
Isn't he though?
But stiffer than a preacher's dick|at a wedding.
Good night, pumpkin.
Yeah?
Hi.
Hey.
I forgot to give you|my Christmas present.
- Close your eyes.|- Okay.
Open them.
Merry Christmas. We're the cleaning|queens of West Hollywood.
Are you ready?|Five, six, seven, eight.
Dusting and sweeping|and scrubbing with Comet
We'll clean your mess up|from blood stains to vomit
- The sweeper.|- The Hoover.
I'm good with a hose.
Smells can't outrun us|cause I'm good with my nose.
- Get the stains out.|- Scrub that tile grout.
Using decleaning foam.
We'll pass the red glove test|in no time at all.
We'll even Feng Shui your home.
The cleaning queens.
- That was great!|- I just had a glass ring fall out.
So, leave the dishes to the experts|and come with me.
What is it?
Oh, new Daphne galleys.
Let me see.
You put your own name|on a Daphne book?
It's not a Daphne book.|It's my book.
If you
turn the page there...
For Carolina.|Albert, that's...
I think I'm gonna cry.
I've been writing it on and off|for about a year now.
It's about us, really.
You're a sort of...|I mean, it's inspired by us.
Is it bad?
No.
It's... it's...
It's a love story, Carolina.
It's everything I've been afraid to|say. Everything I feel about you.
Albert. Oh my God.
Me and Debbie, you and Heath,|you know...
They're great people, yeah,|but they're not our people.
Carolina.
This isn't hard.
We were friends first,|which is what's gonna make us last.
I think I'd better go check on|the cleaning crew.
Please don't walk out that door.
This is all so sudden, I...
You tell me that you wrote a book|about us, and that you want us...
That's not fair, really.
I should have known. I should have|known, this is what you do
with every guy that you meet,|but...
the joke's on me, isn't it.|Because I thought I was different.
You are different.
You can't just spring this on me.|I...
I don't know what to say.
You just said it.
Why aren't you out with Heath|on New Year's Eve, Carolina?
He didn't call.
What about Albert?
What do you want to wear tonight?
- You decide.|- Is Ernie still married?
The zipper's busted.|Of course Ernie's still married.
How come you're dating|a married man?
Grandma skips that commandment,|Maine.
That's a good one.|Thank you, honey.
Now, you know,|after a while, you learn that
the rules of the world don't have to|apply to you. You think about it.
It's all nonsense.
It is.
We're here. We die.
Now when I met your grandpa|Herschel we was both 15.
He could drink a whole entire bottle|of soda and never take a breath.
And he had
very clean fingernails.|So I married him.
You know, when he died, my true|love died. Soured me on my home.
So...
Me and my boy Teddy,|we come west.
And here I am.|Asingle grandma.
And whenever I need a man,|I got Ernie.
We have an understanding|between us.
And, girls, that is a lot|in this world.
Thank you for making me so|presentable on New Year's Eve.
Evening, Millie.
Evening, Ernie. Thank you.
Yeah. My you look nice tonight.
Okay, thank you.
- That's a beautiful dress you have.|- Thank you.
Now remember.
God said celebrate, not celibate.
Let me get that.
- Thanks, Ernie. See you.|- Bye.
Bye.
So, what do you guys want to do|on New Year's Eve?
Get drunk and watch the ball drop,|what else?
- Sounds good.|- What's celibate?
...a boy. But I had a dream last|night it was a girl. Maybe twins.
Well, if you have a girl or a boy,|you could still use this, right?
It has like rockets|and cars and stuff.
And I'm a girl,|and I like rockets and cars.
4.27.
26!
26.
Here you go, hon.|Where's Albert?
We've missed your faces|around here.
Thanks. It's nice to be missed.
Is this seat taken?
How did you find me?
I stopped by your apartment|yesterday but you weren't there.
Albert told me you come here|every Monday morning for pancakes.
So you saw Albert?
Can I sit down?
I'm sorry for not returning|your calls, Carolina.
Yeah. We sleep together and|you don't call me for five months.
That's pretty typical|around these parts.
I had to go back to England|and hold a few hands.
To be honest,|I sort of got cold feet.
But look, I brought you something|by way of atonement.
Open it.
Your station is one of our clients|and I made
- a few calls.|- You got me my job back?
Wow. That is real Prince|Charming kind of stuff.
To the rescue and all that.
But?
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have invited you|to Christmas dinner.
It was too soon to throw you|into the Mirabeaus like that.
It's just I was feeling|so sure of myself.
The thing is...
I was trying to force someone, you,|into my life and it's like...
you're this beautiful,|expensive Italian suit
and ljust don't have the faintest|idea where I'm gonna wear you.
Me and my family...|They're all that I have and...
we're just not suit people.
That's the first time I've ever|been called an Italian suit.
But I think I know|what you're saying.
It's funny. I've always thought of|myself as this great communicator.
Advertising and all that.|But...
I sort of blew it with you.
This time.
Didn't I?
Breathe slow, breathe slow.
That's the way I did it.|I know what you're going through.
You have to push harder.
Okay. Wait, wait,|I got something here.
Here, here...
Bite, bite, hard!
What is that?
That was the doggie treat.
- One more good push.|- I can't!
All right.
Now listen to me.
I'm your grandmother,|are you hearing me?
Now you breathe deep and push hard.|You push and you push...
You push harder, harder, harder,|or I'm gonna go down there
and get a plunger|and suck that baby out of you.
Okay, open.
Open up. Open up.|I know, I know.
Oh, he's so cute.
He's such a beautiful baby boy.
I'm gonna name him California.
- Cal for short.|- You look like a fairy princess.
Now just give me that little...
I want to see you close up.
He's so precious.
Hey.
Something wrong with his eyes.
They're crooked.
Georgia, peach, you been|eating too many egg rolls?
I'm just so glad|you could make it, son.
- Sorry I'm late. Had an "AA" meeting.|- Why don't you shovel your sorrys
elsewhere, cause we're full.
- I had a meeting...|- Shut!
...mother.
California Theodore Mirabeau.
That's his name. Lord help him.
You were called
22 hours ago and that girl|still named her baby
after you. How much of that crap|are you gonna do before you realize
how much life you are missing?
You want the card,
mother?
Oh, he's so cute.
All I've done is screw up|you girls' lives, haven't I?
You could try harder.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,|Thursday, Friday.
What day should I put|on that ticket?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,|Thursday, Friday.
Today, tomorrow,|day after tomorrow. Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday,|Thursday, Friday.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Thursday, Friday.
Friday, Friday.
Today!
Going to school.
Bye.
Good breasts, good boobs,|that's what I like.
Hello?
Carolina? I need you|to go to the bookstore.
Okay, I'll go tonight.
You'll go today.|Three o'clock.
I'm working all day, grandma.|- For once in your life, obey me.
My book comes in at 3 p. m. Today|at that bookstore that you like.
They won't hold it|a moment after that, honey.
I don't know, there's some kind|of run going on it.
All right, all right, I'll go.|I'll get it for you.
Bye bye, honey.
All right, see you.|Next.
One ticket.
You got ID?
No ID, no 24 million.
I must play. This is the week.|The horse told me so.
You listen to me, scum bucket.|These are winning numbers.
They're going to win today and|you're going to sell me the ticket.
Right now!
No ID, no ticket.
Next.
Hi, Ernie.
Why isn't she in school?
She tried to buy a lottery ticket|at the liquor store.
That didn't work, so she came to me.|Asked me to do it for her.
Did you buy her|the ticket, Ernie?
Considering how she looked I thought|I'd better bring her home first.
- See what you wanted me to do.|- Thank you for that.
Call me if you need me, Millie.
I'll call you if I need you.
Maine!
You said I had to know the day!|The horse's spirit entered me
and today was the day I was supposed|to win 24 million dollars!
Honey, that is crazy.
I'm not crazy!|Why don't you believe me?
Honey.
Okay, okay baby.|Come on, sit down.
- Why don't you believe me?|- Sit down, sit down.
Now listen to me. It's not|about me believing you. It isn't.
It's about where you put|your dreams, honey.
I'm not asking you to be normal|cause that's not the Mirabeau way.
I'm just asking you get a little|smarter about your crazy side, okay?
Okay. Yeah?
That's my baby.
Good girl.
Hi, do you have a book on hold|for Mirabeau?
You know, he's here right now.
The author.|He's giving a reading.
I'm going to the market, girls.
Maine!
No more trips to liquor stores
dressed up like a harlot.|You understand me?
I'll keep an eye on her.
Okay.
"Carolina stood up naked out of|the tub and asked for a towel.
Looking at the floor,|he had one open,
and as she moved into it,|her forehead came to rest
on his right shoulder.
Water from her hair|stained his shirt
and chilled his skin.
Her face was now so close to his
that she looked distorted|and it came as a terrible surprise
that he loved her even more|at this proximity.
He realized that to her, he would|never be more than a close friend. "
Hello?
Maine? Not now, I'm busy.
Maine, stop crying, baby.
Let me talk to the police.
Excuse me, I'm Carolina Mirabeau.
I was brought here...|I was told that
my grandmother died|in a car accident.
Mirabeau.
Have a nice day.
- Next.|- Hi. I'm here to pick up
my grandmother's things from|her car. It's the red Chevelle.
Millicent Mirabeau was her name.|Here's my ID.
That'll be 128 dollars.
- What?|- 128 dollars.
Tow, tax, storage, release.
Fine. Okay. Here.
Don't take credit.|Don't take checks. Cash only.
All right, I'll bring cash tomorrow.|Just give me her things, please.
I can't do that.
All I want is her stuff.|She was killed yesterday.
Well, I'm sorry for your loss,|but I'm running a business here.
This is not about your business.|This is about someone's life.
- Give me that!|- No.
Bastard!
This is not! How dare you?|Those are my grandmother's things!
Give that to me!
Jesus!
Those are my grandmother's things!|Those are not yours, they're mine!
I never got to say goodbye.
Thank you.
Your daddy wasn't always a drunk.|He took good care of you girls.
Right up until the time|that your momma passed.
I know all that, Aunt Marilyn. She|died and then he started drinking.
Yeah. But baby,|it's the part before that
that nobody ever told you about.
Mainly because, well,|grandma told me that she'd
toss me into a vat|of chicken manure if I did.
Your grandma saved your life.
What?
Well, you see,|your momma had rich parents.
When they learned that|your momma got knocked up,
they took her straight|to the abortion clinic.
See, your grandma|had a different view.
She marched into that place
like a fiery-winged|banshee from hell.
No that's my boy's baby in there,
and it's gonna born if I have|to shoot every last one of you.
Outside, missy.
Now.
Sure as shit's quiet around here|without her, ain't it?
It's okay.
And now for the lottery numbers.
4.
27.
- 27.|- 7.
7.
16.
16.
9.
9.
26.
And "26".
Good luck everyone.|It's a big one.
"Hey, California".
Tonight's jackpot is huge. I hope|you got your lucky picks here,
cause here we go.
Those were my numbers.
"Dear Grandma Mirabeau. It's time to|come clean. I'm Daphne St. Claire."
Yep, me.
I didn't tell you at first because|your comments were so refreshing.
I hope you like this book.|There's a lot of talking,
but there's a lot of loving in it,|too.
Take care of her for me.|Albert
I have something for you.
What is it?
Open it and find out.
Are those lottery tickets?
They were in grandma's car.|In the glove compartment.
She was playing my numbers?
Yep. Every day.
Well, did grandma play them|the day of the accident?
The day that Maine's numbers won?
No.
Then it was my fault. She was going|to the store to play my numbers.
It was not your fault, Maine.
It was the drunk driver|who ran the red light's fault.
She believed in you.|That's why she played your numbers.
Are you sad that you didn't|win the money?
No.
It probably would have ruined my|life. Money does that, you know.
What's important is|that I was right.
And I'm not going crazy because|I was right about my numbers.
Hello, this is Albert.
I'm out of town on a book tour.|Please leave a message.
Albert.
Grandma died.
Save, save, save.
Where are your hookers?
They're gonna be here soon.
Why?
I just read "Lady Chatterly's|Lover." I have some questions.
You do, do you?
Chang moved in last week.
Come on, baby. Hey!
You know who's playing?
You know, I quit my job|at the "Perfect Date."
Really?
Do you have something else?
Yeah, a new cable show. Making|documentaries, research and stuff.
That's great. Congratulations,
Carolina.
Yeah, I like it.|I like it a lot.
What are you doing here?
Your grandma always|asked me here, and...
Well, a little late,|but here I am.
Okay.
Okay. I think we're ready.
- Who'll carve the turkey?|- I will.
- Who's gonna say grace?|- Bow your heads.
As grandma would say...
Lord, bless this family.
Fill their bellies|and keep them safe and warm.
Thank you for giving Georgia|and Chang a perfect baby.
Crooked eyes and all.|Thank you
for not making Maine too normal.
Thank you for taking care|of grandma.
She can make your life hell,|but nobody loved us better.
- And now, Lord...|- Let's get personal.
I've eaten Thanksgiving dinner in|this backyard for the last 3 years
and I plan on doing it|for the next 50.