# There's a woman in my life
# Who doesn't care for a thing
# She don't wanna go out dancing
# She just loves to stay in
# She just cares about good loving
#Never leaves me alone
# If I'm not prepared for action
# She goes out on her own
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes I work so hard
# I wish she'd leave me alone
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes it gets so hard
# I just don't wanna go home
# If the feeling ever takes her
# She don't care where we are
# It's good loving in the disco
# It's good loving in the car
Madam... champagne?
Or is there anything madam would?
(Sighs)
Steward?
Steward?
Are you coming?
Oh, dear!
Oh, dear!
# I wish the woman liked dancing
# I wish she played the guitar
# I'd like to teach her a new game
# I feel a bit under par
# I wish she played the piano
# Before my knees hit the floor
# I've got to get her to slow down
# I think I've had it for sure
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes I work so hard
# I wish she'd leave it all alone
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes it gets so hard
# I just don't wanna go home
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes I work so hard
# I wish she'd leave me alone
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
I thought it was vacant.
Oh, my God!
I think I'd better go.
Um, how do you do? How do you do?
Yes. My name's er...
Theodore Valentine.
You know, when the flight's over,
you must come and have tea with me.
You'd love Mother.
She'd... she'd love you.
She... she's very...
(Tuts)
Mother makes me wear them. The weather...
Ooh!
My glasses! Where...
Oh, crikey!
(Unzipping)
Mummy! Ooh!
What is the purpose
of your visit to the United Kingdom?
(French accent) I beg your pardon?
I'm still deaf from the flying.
We are having to be very careful
who we are letting into this country, you know.
How did you get in?
- Oh, blimey! I'm totally British.
- May I have the question again, please?
What is the purpose
of your visit to the United Kingdom?
To make ze friends, with ze British.
Is the purpose of your visit
business or pleasure?
Pleasure, definitely.
Ah, then you are here as a tourist?
I'm being reunited with my husband
after a long separation.
(Clears throat) Where is your husband now?
He's probably in the bath.
No, no. I mean,
is he already in the United Kingdom?
Oh, yes. For a long time.
- And how long do you intend to stay?
- With my husband?
No, in our United Kingdom?
Does it matter? I am an EEC citizen.
What are you going to be doing here?
A little bit of this,
and a little bit of that.
Oh, please. You must not be doing that.
You are giving me naughty thoughts.
Good.
Er, will you be seeking employment?
- I hope not.
- What is your husband's occupation?
I am.
Oh, dearie me! How does he earn his living?
Ah, oui! In the service of his country.
Could you be more explicit, please?
Oh, oui, monsieur.
I can be very explicit.
About your husband.
He is a very...
How you say?
...high-up man.
Is he important?
Not impotent.
He has... other interests.
What is his position?
It varies.
What is his profession or calling, please?
He is ambassador.
(French accent)
Oh, yes. I am definitely developing.
My ribs are rippling.
My pectorals are positively pumping.
And my thorax is throbbing.
(Twang)
I must get some stronger elastic.
- Can I help you?
- I am your mistress.
Oh, my God!
I knew she'd catch up with me one day.
It's my own fault.
Wait a minute. What am I talking about?
I haven't got a mistress.
I don't have a mistress.
- You have now.
- I repeat, how can I help you?
Well, to begin with,
you can tell the ambassador that his wife is here.
Where?
Here. I am here.
Are you sure?
I'm positive I'm sure.
I didn't know the ambassador had a wife.
Now you know.
Madam.
Emmannuelle! Oh, what a wonderful surprise!
I was not expecting you today.
Otherwise I would have been at the airport
to meet you.
You must forgive my masculine odour.
I have been pumping iron.
What is that?
Er, weightlifting.
Still the same... athletic Emile.
A flabby ambassador with a derriere in pleats
is no advertisement for his country. But you...
You, you haven't changed.
I flew Concorde to surprise you.
Ah, la belle Concorde!
How I love that long nose.
So phallic. So Francophallic.
Ah, that reminds me.
You have not met my wonderful
English butler - Loins.
Loins, this is my wife Emmannuelle.
She has been travelling all around the world
and other places.
Cherie, Loins.
His Excellency meant Lyons, madam.
My name is Lyons.
I prefer Loins.
Likewise, madam.
May I take your coat?
Come. Now I'm going to show you
all over the houses.
Emmannuelle, you're naked!
Sacre bleu! I forgot I wasn't wearing a dress.
- You're a naughty butler, Loins.
- (High-pitched) Yeah... hm-hm.
Yes, madam.
Yes, I think that is more appropriate
for the wife of an ambassador.
Phwoar!
- Who was that, Lyons?
- That, Mrs Dangle, is the new mistress.
Oh, fancy!
Things might start looking up.
I shouldn't be at all surprised.
Hey, who was that?
Richmond, that was the new mistress.
Fancy that! Things ought to start looking up.
I have missed you, Emile.
And I you, my love.
But don't forget our little arrangement still
stands. As long as you don't object
to my body building, I don't object
to you finding your pleasures elsewhere.
And... what if I should seek
my pleasures with you?
Oh, no. I can't spare a drop of adrenaline.
You must think of me as a last resort.
- Don't you want me just a little bit?
- Yes, just a little bit.
Show me how good you are at weightlifting.
Lift me over your shoulders
and carry me over to the bed.
Are you mad?
I've not yet learnt
how to do a snatch and press.
Besides, I have a meeting
with the Foreign Minister shortly.
And I have a meeting with the ambassador now.
I have an appointment.
We haven't made love since Paris,
before you were posted here.
- Oh, surely it's not that long.
- It's long enough.
Ooh!
Come, bury your head in my bosom.
No, no. I should have to keep coming up for air.
I am in the mood for playing games.
- Try badminton, hockey, bowls.
- Bowls?
Yes, bowls. The English are mad about bowls.
Tennis bowl, volley-bowl.
Foot-bowl. All kinds of b...
Excuse me, sir. I hope I'm not intruding.
- No, no, no. We were just discussing bowls.
- Bowls?
I was having a work-up.
I mean I was getting worked out.
Having a work-out.
Yes. Will there be only fourteen guests
for dinner this evening, sir?
Fourteen, yes. That is correct.
Then I shall inform Mrs Dangle.
Come and lie with me, Emile.
No, I must finish my exercises.
- I can give you much nicer exercises.
- No.
- I am all hot for you.
- Well, have a cold shower.
That's what you said last time
and look what happened.
Oh, yes. I couldn't find the stopcock.
- Caught you.
- Oh, it's you!
It is not nice to peep through keyholes.
Sorry.
You are very rude.
Gordon Bennett!
They're having a phonographic orgy.
- Lift up your arms.
- What for?
- Up, up, up.
- But I don't understand. Why should I lift?
There. That didn't hurt, did it?
- No, no, no.
- Don't be shy, cheri.
I'm not shy, I'm circumspect.
Come on. Don't make a meal of it. It's my turn.
- But you are trembling.
- Yes, of course, I'm cold.
I'll warm you up.
Oh, but why me?
You can have Tom, Dick or Harry.
- I don't want Tom or Harry.
- Oh!
She's got him in a leg lock.
Well, I used to do that when Henry was alive.
I'm sure you didn't do it after he was dead.
- Here, what's he doing?
- Heavy breathing.
Ooh!
Oh, Richmond,
I think you should have a look at this.
- Do you think he ought to at his age?
- It might jog his memory.
- Here, what am I going to see?
- Well, it won't be the Muppet Show.
Is it... is it Starsky And Hutch?
If you ask me, it's more like Starkers And Crutch.
(Crunch)
Hello, hello, hello. What's all this, then?
- It's what the butler saw.
- Here. They're at it.
At what?
Here, hold my hat. Come on. Get off!
- Turn over!
- No, no, I don't like.
- Emile, I am a woman.
- Yes, so I've noticed.
I am your wife. You should not hide from me.
There's not much to hide.
Snow White meets the incredible shrinking man!
I will make you love me if it's the last thing I do.
Aargh!
I think she's knackered him.
Come on. Back on the job.
Get off!
- What is the matter?
- You've broken it.
Oh la la! Turn over and let me have a look.
No, no, not that. My back. I can't move.
- It's probably just cramp.
- No, no. I'm in agony.
Straighten your legs.
I can't straighten anything. I'm completely bent.
- Bend back your toes.
- I caaan't... Oh!
- Don't panic.
- I can't panic, either.
Just lie still.
What else do you think I'm doing,
you stupid fool?
I give up. I'm going to get changed
and I'm going out.
- What for?
- I want Leyland to drive me around London.
But what about me?
Don't worry, my dear.
I'm sure you'll soon be feeling yourself again.
Is that you, Theodore?
Who were you expecting? General Amin?
- I've warmed your slippers. They're in the oven.
- Thank you.
Warmed them? You've roasted them.
Oh, Mother, I do wish
you wouldn't fuss over me so.
It's no trouble at all. I do it for your arthritis.
- I've never had arthritis.
- There you are. It works.
Have you had your vitamin C tablet
this morning?
Yes, Mother.
And your vitamin B tablet?
- Yes, Mother.
- And your halibut oil capsule?
Yes. I've had so many pills,
I'll soon need a stomach pump.
Prevention is better than cure.
Dr Jones said to me, "Mrs Valentine,
your son Theodore is very delicate."
With respect, Mother,
when he said it, I was six months old.
He's a very clever doctor, Dr Jones.
If you were at death's door,
he'd pull you through.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Theodore, you're sickening for something.
Mother, come and sit down. I want to talk to you.
Very well.
Now then, what shall we talk about?
Mother, I've met someone that's very dear to me.
Was it your Auntie Hilda, dear?
No, Mother. I've met this girl.
This wonderful girl.
Don't be silly. There's no such thing.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, nonsense! You're far too young.
I'm thirty-four, and a half.
But you've got your whole life in front of you.
You don't want to fritter it away
on some slip of a girl.
But, Mother, she's exquisite.
I know you'd like her.
I wouldn't count on it, dear.
- I'm going to marry her.
- Nonsense. I'll never give you my permission.
I don't need your permission, Mother.
You're just like your father.
He went off with some slip of a girl
and he never got my permission, either.
This your first time in London, is it?
Well, keep your ears peeled,
cos little old Leyland here's
gonna give you the grand tour.
And why not? After all, I've lived here all my life,
even before I was born.
And believe me, no-one knows better than I do
this is the greatest city in the world.
If you're feeling lonely,
why don't you come up here, eh?
No? Oh, well. It ain't compulsory.
Now up here you see is Oxford Street.
That's where the tourists come
to do their shoplifting.
Oh, God! Laugh-a-minute Leyland,
they call me, up the morgue.
Look, love.
You can see a lot better from up here.
Eh?
Ah, well, perhaps I should put it on
automatic pilot and come back there with you.
Cos I'm driving you now, you know,
in a Daimler pervertible.
The hood doesn't go down,
but the chauffeur does.
Well, we're heading
for Downing Street now, No.10.
You've heard of that, eh?
Cos not many people know that No.12 Downing
Street is the office of the government whips.
If you like that sort of thing.
I'm feeling very hot.
Yeah. I'm getting a bit warm myself.
Ah, now there's a sight to warm the cockles -
Trafalgar Square.
And there it is, an inspiration to mankind.
Nelson's Column.
Lady Hamilton had it built to remember him by.
Mind you, with a column like that,
how could she forget him?
(Leyland laughs)
It never fails.
Next time round, I think I'll start here.
Thank you, Lady Hamilton.
I want to see the guards getting changed.
They are very... sexy, these guards.
When they get a butcher's at you,
you'd better be on guard.
What is the matter with them?
They never even looked at me.
Well, they're not allowed to, not on duty.
You could strip off in front of one of them guards,
and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.
We shall see about that.
Drive me to St James's Palace, Leyland.
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes I work so hard
# I wish she'd leave me alone
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes it gets so hard
I just don't want to go home
# If the feeling ever takes her
# She don't care where we are
# It's good loving in the disco
# It's good loving in the car
# But if I don't keep her happy
# She would leave me, she would
# So I got to hang on in there
# Hang on in there, hang on in there
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes I work so hard
# I wish she'd leave it all alone
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
she's out on her own
Hello there, ducky.
Emmannuelle! I hope you're going
to wear something under that dress.
Oh, yes. Chanel 5.
No, no! Tonight you must be respectable.
You must be on your best behaviour.
Everything you say and do
will reflect on our beloved Republic.
But this is the latest from Paris. It shows style.
It shows more than that. It shows
everything you've got. Well, almost.
- Why's that so terrible?
- It's not nice!
How would you like it if men were to walk about
in see-through trousers?
I would like this very much.
There is nothing wrong with the body.
There is no need to flash it all over the place.
I think we should all go round naked.
We'd all be much healthier.
- We'd all be in bed with the flu.
- Nudity is perfectly natural.
No, no. Even Adam and Eve had a fig leaf.
You must dress in a way that is befitting
for the wife of an ambassador.
Especially in view of our distinguished guests -
the Prime Minister,
the Metropolitan Commissioner of Police,
the ambassador
for the United States of America,
Excuse me.
Field Marshal Hune, Chief of Staff,
the Arabian ambassador.
(Slurps)
The Lord Chief Justice of the Appeals Court
and Master of the Rolls,
Admiral Sir John Hardiner,
not to mention all their distinguished wives.
- How do you do?
- Not very often, I'm afraid.
Too much bench, not enough wench.
I will say my wife is a better diplomat than I am.
Yes, I have it off with everybody.
Hit. Hit it off.
She means
she hit it off with everybody.
Ah, yes. And what were you doing
in the Far East, my dear?
Oh, nothing much. Sleeping around, mostly.
Er... she means sleeping around
in many parts of the world.
Has it ever occurred to you
how easy it would be at an occasion such as this
to assassinate your husband?
Assassinate my husband?
Who would want to do that?
I would be more concerned about the method.
But...
How could anyone do such a thing
here at the table?
Easily. A weapon could be concealed
in a man's belt or in a holster strapped to his leg.
A lady could have a gun under her skirt.
Merde.
Assassinate my husband.
That is more appropriate.
Oh, I've dropped my earring.
- May I help, my dear?
- No! Oh, no, no. It's OK. I can manage.
Thank you.
- The cost of living must be brought down.
- Oh, I agree.
Everything's going up these days.
You're so right.
The wheel has... turned full circle in my country
now there's a...
definite trend towards the swing
against the backlash.
Thank you.
I didn't say anything.
In my country, it is the duty of women
to give pleasure to men.
I'm glad you agree.
Tell me, Admiral,
how do you enjoy the Navy?
Frankly, I can't stand the sea.
It makes me bloody sick.
Anything wrong?
On the contrary.
Ooh, my goodness! What are you doing here?
I'm looking for a weapon.
Oh! You won't find one here.
- I'm trying to protect you.
- Protect me?
EMMANNUELLE: I decided
to get to know my husband's friends a little...
How you might say?
...better.
EMMANNUELLE: I was satisfied.
None of them had a weapon to worry about.
These have arrived for you, madam.
Oh, they're lovely.
They most certainly are, madam.
"To my darling adorable Emmannuelle.
With all my love, Theodore."
Loins, who is Theodore?
I haven't the slightest idea, madam.
I don't know any Theodores.
Oh, well. I always forget their names
long before I forget the important things.
Tell me, Loins.
Do you, er...
believe in free love?
Anything free appeals to me, madam.
And... do I appeal to you?
Yes, madam.
Oh, Loins, you English are so frigid.
Perhaps not so.
After all, they do say
the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
In the... eating?
Yes, madam.
Are you hungry, Loins?
I think I could manage a little nibble.
Coffee?
Pardon?
- Are you for coffee?
- No, thanks. I'm staying here. I'd like coffee.
Yeah. He's in a world of his own, you know.
He hasn't been the same
since he looked through that keyhole.
- I think it's disgusting.
- What? Having it off?
Oh, don't be so crude!
You men are all the same, sex mad.
Yeah, and proud of it. Eh, Richmond?
- Pardon?
- Sex.
No, thanks. I'd rather have some coffee.
Ah, coffee.
Oh, here we are.
Here, me and Mrs Dangle,
we've just been talking about having it off.
Rather you than me.
Eh? No, not together, you berk!
You've been a long time
just taking up a bunch of flowers.
What have you been up to?
Er, nothing at all, really.
Just a little intelligent conversation.
Loins, you forgot these.
(Laughs) You randy old retainer!
Could I have a cup of coffee?
You can have anything you want, madam.
Aye aye.
You've started his motor running. Look.
Steady on, Richmond.
It's not proper, you being down below stairs.
Why not? We are all human beings.
There should be no class distinction.
I believe in brotherly love.
Here, that's incest!
Love is the most important thing in the world.
Not to me, it isn't.
That's because you've forgotten
what it's like to be loved by a man.
To feel the warmth of his body
next to yours,
to feel his hot kisses on your lips.
You've started him off again.
We'll have to start putting bromide in his coffee.
Making love is wonderful.
You cannot be angry when you're making love.
Can't we talk about something else?
Oh, no, it's good to talk about it.
It's important to get things off your breast.
Now, I will tell you what we are going to do.
We will all describe
our most unusual amorous experience.
I couldn't possibly do that.
Oh, yes, you can.
It will release your repressions.
Who is going first?
I'll go first.
- Leyland.
- Very well, Leyland. You have the floor.
Face down, I hope.
My most unusual experience
occurred one warm balmy evening last spring
when this young man's fancy
lightly turned to thoughts of lust.
Ooh, you fancy young men, do you?
Mrs Dangle.
Feeling in the need of company,
I transported myself to my favourite pub -
the Tit And Sparrow up Camden Passage.
It took me but a pint to make contact
with a beauteous chickie of the female gender
what would turn any civilised man into a beast.
Despite my natural shy reluctance,
she was insistent
to the point of desperation.
She whisked me off to her luxury flat in Mayfair.
Where to say her intentions were dishonourable
would be an understatement.
No sooner did we reach
her lavishly furnished penthouse
with the chandelier poised gracefully
over the nuptial couch,
she removes my garmentation
in a flash.
Whisks me between the sheets.
I was about to satisfy herself
with my irresistible masculinity, when...
(Shrieks) Oh, my husband!
Her husband.
I shan't tell you exactly what happened
when she joined me in the closet.
The details... are too pornographic,
even for you lot.
Suffice to say that,
despite the cramped confines,
we achieved mutual satisfaction.
Ho, ho, ho, ho. My hangers!
It seems the lady had an unusual hang-up.
She can only make love in a closet,
standing up.
She always arranged it that way.
I found out later she was known
as the Closet Queen of Camden Town.
Richmond, you can go next.
Oh, thanks.
No, no. After all,
he never gets a word in edgewise.
He'd be lucky to get anything in,
edgewise or otherwise,
- if you ask me.
- We didn't.
- Richmond.
- Yeah?
I...
I'm not sure that I can remember all the details.
Oh, come on!
Tell us your most amorous escapade.
It's that far back, he won't remember.
Oh, yes, I do.
It was during the war, when I was in the army.
Oh, those were dark days.
You never knew
which minute was going to be your last.
You had to live dangerously,
and make every moment count.
I went to France to fight the enemy.
Ah! I surrender!
Dans les bois, avec moi.
Avec what?
Oh, God!
It's never like this in Putney.
(Gasps)
RICHMOND:
Ah! Ah, I surrender again! Ah!
Komm.
Hands hoch, in the name of the Reich!
Not you, Fraulein. The British soldier!
Kurt, take ze prisoner away!
Now, Fraulein, you are quite safe.
Oh, thank you.
You are a fine-looking woman.
Oh, naughty, naughty!
- I like you.
- Oh, cheeky!
- I am going to have you.
- No, no, you're not.
Yes, I am. I need to caress a beautiful woman.
You're going to get a hell of a shock if you do.
Come, I want to have you!
Gott im Himmel!
Englische Schweinhund!
- Yes, my daughter?
- The Germans are after me, Father.
Oh, mon Dieu! Don't worry, my child.
You can stay here for as long as you like.
Yes? Where will I sleep?
My niece won't mind you sharing her room.
- Your niece? But...
- Colette?
Non, it's impo... possible.
Come along, my child.
For what I am about to receive...
...thanks!
And I stayed there till 1953.
LYONS: Just a minute.
The war ended in 1945.
I was in no hurry.
Loins. Now it's your turn.
Well, my most unusual amorous experience,
believe it or not, took place at the zoo.
Went to see his relatives.
Come on, Loins. Tell us about the zoo.
Well, it was a lovely day.
(Thunderclap)
And all around me there was evidence
that spring was in the air.
What's the matter?
Come here, darling.
(Screams)
Let me out!
Help!
Here, did you get anything?
Pneumonia.
Mrs Dangle, your turn.
Very well.
I shall reveal everything.
- Well, if you're going to strip, I'm going.
- Sit down.
My most unusual experience
happened in a launderette.
As anyone knows, launderettes
are better than pubs if you're after a pick-up.
LEYLAND: I didn't know that.
If you ever get around to washing your clothes,
you'll find out.
Now, this particular day, the place was full.
Unattached people.
Course, you get all types in there.
But then, I prefer all types
to other types.
Through long experience,
and if there's one thing I've had
more than anything else, it's experience,
all you do,
if you're on the make, is you say something like,
Excuse me, dear,
can I borrow some of your suds?
And if that doesn't work, you say,
My, but you've got some saucy underpants.
But despite my unusual attractiveness
and highly reclaimed sex appeal
that day didn't get off to a very promising start.
But sometimes,
when you least expect it,
you see a stranger
across a crowded launderette.
# Striptease instrumental
I knew, when I first laid my eyes on his Y-fronts,
I knew...
...that he
...was the one.
Thank you, Mrs Dangle,
for a most unbelievable experience.
And now I think it's time for you, madam.
- Hear, hear!
- Hear, hear!
Well, I fear, in comparison,
mine may seem rather dull.
I really don't have your imagination.
Why, don't you believe it, darling.
They'll be queuing up for the film rights to yours.
Well, all right.
My most unusual amorous affair,
you may find it hard to believe,
was with my husband.
He has not always been the man you know.
Not very long ago, he was one of the dashing
young sons of la belle France,
with an appetite for the exotic amour
almost equal to my own.
We made love in wild, crazy places,
beautifully,
elementally, in the air.
It was all so wonderful, so dangerous.
Hemingway said, "To make love beautifully
is to die a little each time."
Unfortunately, Emile very soon saw the point.
EMILE: Aargh!
Aaargh!
Poor Emile.
But now I think we all understand
the master's shortcomings.
RADIO: # The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes I work so hard
# I wish she'd leave me alone
Pardon me, madam,
there's a young man who wishes to see you.
Does he have a name?
I believe he said Theodore Valentine.
Oh, yes, I remember him.
He's the one I don't remember.
Quite, madam.
Oh, well, better keep him waiting a moment
while I make myself respectable.
There, that should do it.
I do wish you wouldn't lie about
in this abandoned fashion.
It's not good for the servants to see you topless.
- I've had no complaints.
- No, you are bold.
I've never seen anyone so bold.
Ah, why don't you stay here
and we can be bold together?
No, I haven't time. I have a meeting
with the Minister of Foreign Affairs.
Oh, him?
He doesn't have any affairs. That's his problem.
Unlike you, I don't judge everyone
by the amount of dilly-dallying they get up to.
You're always too busy to do the things I like.
I'm sure you don't need me
to help you do the things you like.
But I like doing the things I like with you,
as well as with others I like.
Sooner or later,
you are going to ruin our marriage
if you insist on trying
to drag me into your silly amours.
And for goodness' sake, cover yourself up.
Tell her to cover herself up.
Emmannuelle?
Oui, monsieur.
It's me, Theodore.
Don't you remember me?
Non.
- But you haven't looked at me yet.
- I don't recognise your voice.
Look at me!
Well?
You look familiar.
Concorde.
Oh, oui.
Oh, yes.
That was very funny.
I didn't think so.
Didn't you? Well, I mean...
Wasn't it... good?
Well, it was...
...different.
Didn't it mean anything to you?
Oh, yes. I will always fly Concorde in future.
Since that wonderful night, I haven't slept,
or eaten, or even cleaned my teeth.
You don't need to clean your teeth
if you haven't eaten.
I have fallen in love.
Oh, you poor boy!
Who with?
Who do you think?
Is it anyone I know?
It's you, of course.
Oh!
I say, I've never felt like this
about anyone before, not even...
...not even my own mother.
Emmannuelle,
I want to marry you.
Oh, I'm done. Shower time.
Oh, no!
Oh!
You may enter, Monsieur Concorde.
Did you hear what I said? I want to marry you.
If you want to marry me,
you will have to ask my husband.
But I don't want to marry your husband.
I should hope not.
Do you love him?
- Sometimes.
- You don't sound sure.
Oh, yes. I'm sure I love him sometimes.
Well, will you be prepared to leave him for me?
Certainly not! Not for you or anyone.
Why did you give yourself to me like that
in the Concorde?
You mustn't think that
because I made love to you
that you are entitled to any landing rights.
- I think I'd better go.
- Oh, you can stay if you wish.
I have a free morning.
My towel, please.
Now, look, I shall never make love to you again
until you promise your undying love for me.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
You can't tempt me again.
No?
Keep away from me.
- You said you love me.
- Yes, but I do.
Show me.
Theodore!
Oh, Theodore, you have wet yourself.
There we are, darling. All tucked in.
Nice and clean. Night-night.
Night-night, Mummy.
What are we going
to dream about tonight, darling?
Not her!
- Why not?
- Well, she'll only bring you trouble.
- Yes.
- Have you dreamt about her before?
Yes, often, night and day.
Oh, you are in a state.
- I dreamt about her last night.
- Did you?
No, she wouldn't let me.
I must ring Dr Jones.
What can he do?
Well, he can give you an injection
or... something.
What for?
- Well, for whatever you've got.
- I like what I've got.
Well, I don't.
And I'm going to do something about it.
Night-night, darling.
Now it's time for your afternoon
body-building session with Harry Hernia.
Now, this afternoon, I'm gonna show you
how to build up your stomach muscles.
I don't think I got any.
HARRY: Are you ready?
EMILE: I am all yours, Harry.
- You're at it again.
- So is he, listen.
HARRY: Let's all lie down on the floor.
EMILE: Ooh, it's very hard.
HARRY: Now, raise your legs in the air.
EMILE: Ooh, no, I feel it.
- Who's he got in there?
- I don't know. I can't see.
Loins.
What are you doing?
Um, er, I was just tying my shoelace, madam.
Yes, and I was helping him.
But, Loins, your shoes have no laces.
Oh, I...
Madam, I...
EMMANNUELLE: I'm back.
Ah, yes, dear.
It's warm out.
You don't care what I do.
(Grunts)
Today...
Today I made love to 14 soldiers,
The Prime Minister announced
that the morale of the defence forces
has never been higher.
What did you say?
Nothing.
Why haven't your muscles
- developed like that?
- They will, eventually.
You'll never match that gorgeous hunk.
I don't expect to match him.
That's Harry Hernia.
He has the most highly developed
rectus femoris in the whole of Britain.
Has he?
Bye-bye this afternoon,
and don't forget your exercises.
Tonight they are going to proclaim him
Mr Super Muscle.
Do you know him?
Of course. Yes.
I have lessons from him in pumping iron.
- I think I would like to meet him.
- Whatever for?
Body building.
- Where do you sleep?
- On the mat.
- Where do you sit?
- Sitting's bad for the posture.
You either stand, squat, or lie down.
- Mind if I squat?
- Surely.
- Want something?
- Depends what you have in mind.
Drink, maybe.
Maybe.
OK.
Oxo or Bovril?
Don't you have something else?
Sure. How about a glass of milk?
No, thank you.
What do you want to do?
Depends what you... have in mind.
A work-out, maybe.
- A work-out?
- Sure.
What do you want me to do first?
Now come on, lady, let's take your clothes off.
Oh, can you help me with the zip?
Why, sure. Now let me get my things off.
Can I help you?
I can manage.
Now take a look at this.
It's a beaut, eh? What do you think of that?
Incroyable! I've never seen anything that big.
Now let's have a look at you.
Well, what's the verdict?
You definitely need more exercises.
How about making love?
Very good exercise.
Builds up your lumber,
and your rectus abdominus.
But it's off my training programme.
- Oh, that's a pity.
- Sorry, darling.
It's the Mr Muscles contest
and I want to win that title before I retire.
That'll make it a hat trick.
I'm determined to go out with a bang.
That's exactly what I had in mind.
Ambassador's residence.
Well, I'm sure that madam is asleep right now.
Very well, sir. Are you sure it's urgent?
Yes, well, hold on one moment, please.
(Clears throat) Madam?
Madam?
Wake up, madam. There is a call for you.
Madam, wake up, please. He says it's urgent.
Who is that?
Ah, Loins.
What is it?
Um, a phone call.
I believe it's a gentleman friend.
Tell him I'm out.
He already knows that you're in, madam.
(Sighs) Take a message.
I... I did.
- What was it?
- He says that he wants to speak to you.
Allo?
- Who is this?
- It's me.
Theodore. Are you alone?
- I'm in bed.
- Yes, but are you alone?
What do you want?
- I had to ring you.
- Why?
Because... I want to tell you that I love you.
You love me?
Oh, Loins.
- Pardon? What did you say?
- Oh, nothing.
I love you.
Theodore, you don't fall in love
with someone like me.
Why not?
It's out of character.
LYONS: Ooh.
Loins!
- Loins? You called me Loins.
- I didn't call you Loins.
I called Loins Loins.
Is Loins... Is Lyons in bed with you?
Ah, no. He's just a butler. Don't be silly.
He brought me a cup of tea.
I want you to promise me to give up
all those men and come and live with me.
And Mother.
He wants me to promise
to give up all those other men
and come and live with him... and Mother.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
- Why not?
- I'm happy where I am.
How can you say that?
Nobody loves you like I do.
You're not in a position to refuse.
I'm in a position to do anything I want.
If you don't do what I ask,
I shall be forced to do something drastic.
(Both giggle)
Now you're laughing at me again.
Goodbye, Theodore.
Don't call us.
We'll call you.
Oh, come on, Loins. It's time to get up.
Very well, madam.
Emmannuelle, come along! You know that...
Emmannuelle, what on earth are you wearing?
You're the one who's always complaining
about me walking around uncovered.
I was hoping you would be ready.
I am, cheri. I'm always ready.
Let's go into the library.
Yes... I don't want to go into the library
to read books.
Neither do I.
We are supposed to be
attending an official function.
I don't want to go to your function.
I do not like your functions. They are all boring.
This is a football match. I am to present a cup.
A football match, with all those
young, healthy men with big thighs?
Hmm, but if you don't want to go,
I can't make you.
Oh, give me time to get changed.
What kept you?
(Cheering)
(Football rattles)
(Whistle)
(Cheering)
(Whistle)
Get out there, quick!
(Whistle)
Oi!
Come on. Get out. You're on.
(Whistle)
(Final whistle)
Where are the players?
(Supporters chant)
(Phone rings)
- Allo?
- Hello, Harry Hernia here.
Remember the other night?
Well, my trainer says it's OK until Friday,
so how about it?
- Where are you?
- I'll meet you in ten minutes
outside your garden gate.
Oh la la, Harry!
I know you are a big man, but this is ridiculous.
- Move!
- Must I? It's very nice like this.
Get in!
- Start the car.
- Theodore, what is this all about?
How do you know it's me?
Start the car.
I will not. I'm going to have dinner
with my husband and the Foreign Secretary.
They can wait. I'm kidnapping you.
That's crazy. My husband
wouldn't give you one franc to get me back.
Not for ransom. I'm making you my prisoner.
I'm going to keep you to myself.
That's ridiculous.
I warn you. I'm desperate. Start the car.
Non.
- Why not?
- I can't drive.
Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
- You didn't ask me.
- Change over.
Go on.
Oh! Oo-hoo!
It was worse on the Concorde.
If you wanted to kidnap me properly,
you should have sneaked into my bedroom
in the middle of the night,
chloroformed me,
and carried me over your back
to the car in a sack.
I thought of that, only I've got a bad back.
- You can't drive with one hand.
- Yes, I can.
Theodore.
- You're not going to kidnap me.
- I am.
Aargh!
- I don't think so.
- I can't drive lying down.
Who is talking about driving?
Ah, there, now don't! No, stop!
Don't!
Stop.
Don't stop.
Oh, Emmannuelle,
you're making it very hard for me.
Emmannuelle, I may have to do
something ruthless to bring you to your senses.
My editor won't be interested if it's not authentic.
It's authentic, all right.
I've got the pictures here to prove it.
Well, now, what else has this broad been up to?
It's all down there.
What's that?
Blimey! And that was with the chauffeur, right?
Yeah, that's right.
We'll need substantiation before we can run this.
I've got everything -
photographs, names, places, dates.
And all on affidavits.
Foreplay with the butler.
- Did you use a wide-angle lens on this?
- I certainly did.
Aha! Menage a trois
with a Soviet ambassador and a KGB man
at the Soviet embassy.
Sounds like a case of "reds on the bed".
Algolagnia with the Minister of Sport.
- What's that?
- I don't know. Here...
Algo... algolagnia...
Spanking! Here, you should know about that,
you old devil!
When it used to happen to me,
I didn't know you were supposed to enjoy it.
Theodore,
what does "coitus interruptus
with the Prime Minister" mean?
It means, Mother,
that the Prime Minister's a very busy man.
Pygmalionism: amorous attraction
directed towards a statue.
Stone the pigeons!
What next?
Accepted her punishment
from the Lord Chief Justice.
A bit of habeas corpus
with the police commissioner.
Played strip Monopoly
with the chairman of the Bank of England,
and got herself in a very united state
with the American ambassador.
Let me have a look.
I haven't got my glasses.
Aphrodite callipygous with the guest conductor
of the Royal Symphony Orchestra.
- Aphrodite calli... callipygous.
- It's all Greek to me.
It says, "Scopophilia
is the more urgent form of voyeurism."
Hm?
The need to watch others undress.
Blimey, I've had that for years!
- Not with an entire football team.
- No, I'm a rugby man, mate.
Different shaped balls.
Because of his wife's alleged misconduct
in high places,
the President of the Republic has indicated
that the ambassador may be dismissed.
Because of the allegations,
the Soviet ambassador
sought political asylum in the Soviet Union...
I beg your pardon. That should read,
"The Soviet ambassador today was sent
to a political asylum in the Soviet Union."
The Prime Minister said today,
"There's nothing to deny.
What good is proof without the evidence?"
The American ambassador said,
"Why don't you (bleep) off
and mind your own (bleep) business?"
- Will you all stand back?
- Could you move back?
- Move back, please, sir. Thank you.
- Where's the ambassador?
- Where's Emmannuelle?
- Any statement?
The ambassador and his lady wife
have asked me to tell you they are not at home.
And even if they were,
the answer would be, "No comment."
Hey, butler. You're the butler.
You must have seen something.
Yeah, tell us what the butler saw!
- No comment.
- Is it true
that she had an affair
with the all the domestic staff except you?
Is that true?
That, sir, is quite untrue.
Ah, then the butler did do it!
(Laughter)
No comment.
Don't like Harold Hump. Can't stand him.
That's funny. He can't stand you, either.
- Will you be quiet and listen?
- All right.
Hello, good evening, good night and welcome.
Not since the Keeler affair, or Watergate
has public interest been so aroused
in the affairs of state.
I refer, of course, to the case
of Madame Emmannuelle Prevert.
(Cheering)
Sh!
Now Madame Prevert has consented,
and I use the word advisedly,
to be interviewed for the very first time.
(Applause and whistles)
- Madame Prevert.
- Pray-ver.
I beg your pardon.
Madame Prevert, thank you for allowing me
to set the record straight
- for our viewers.
- Not at all.
Will you now take this opportunity
to deny the allegations made against you?
Non.
You won't take the opportunity?
Or you won't deny them?
- Which?
- Both.
He won't catch madam.
Quite! Yeah.
Do you deny the allegations
that have been made against you?
No.
Don't you mean yes?
No, I mean no.
You don't deny the allegations at all?
No. Apart from a little embellishment,
they are substantially true.
You mean, you're not going
to deny the allegations?
Why should I?
- Everybody else has.
- That's their problem.
- That's telling 'em, girl.
- Go it, madam!
Shh!
Wait a minute. Let's get this straight.
Is it true or false that you actually had an...
affectionate encounter with the Prime Minister?
True. I remember it quite well.
I don't always remember everyone
I have an affair with, but I remember him.
He was very charming.
He sandwiched me in between
a cabinet meeting and a visit from the unions.
Of course, he was a little distracted.
I bet he was!
A bit? Ha, ha!
So would I be.
Do you mind?
What about the other people
mentioned in the press?
Oh, they were all a bit distracted.
Busy people usually are.
- Really?
- That is why,
on occasions, I have to resort to variations.
- Do you realise what you're admitting?
- Yes.
Would you like to take this opportunity
to express your regrets
- over these affairs?
- Non.
You don't deny them and you don't regret them?
Yes, I don't.
Do you have a sense of right and wrong?
Oh, yes.
- Then you'll admit you did wrong?
- No.
Have you no qualms about the fact that your
actions are likely to bring down the government?
- That's very unlikely.
- Really?
The papers omitted to mention I'd given
equal time to the Leader of the Opposition.
He sandwiched me between a meeting
of the shadow cabinet and a game of golf.
I bet he kept his eye on the ball!
Must be the only man
who got a hole in one on the 19th!
But why?
Why did you,
an ambassador's wife, do all this?
Can you think of any better way
of winning friends for your country?
Look...
Do you share the philosophy
of certain other ladies
who have said that
by making love to many people,
they are expanding the frontiers
of human relationship?
No. This is...
How you say?
...bullshit.
- (Laughter)
What about your husband?
Oh, he thinks it's bullshit, too.
What... what are you doing?
You talk too much.
We'll cut it there, OK?
It's live?
Whose bloody idea was that?
At least cut it off the one for the States, OK?
It's going out now, on satellite,
worldwide with translations?
Good night. What do you think you're doing?
Good... good night, everybody.
Thank you.
Cut it! Cut it!
What are you doing?
Cut. Cut to the commercial
Cut, cut. Cut to the commercials.
At least it won't hurt the ratings.
Theodore?
- Theodore!
(Knock at door)
What are you doing?
Nothing, Mother!
You're not doing anything
naughty to yourself, are you,
like that disgusting boy in that novel?
No, Mother!
Well, I've got some lovely steamed chicken,
and mashed potatoes
with butter and parsley and herbs for you.
I'm not hungry, Mother.
But you haven't eaten for days.
You're not on hunger strike, are you?
Yes, Mother.
What, because of that dreadful girl?
Yes, Mother.
Then half the country must be starving.
Don't you understand? I loved Emmannuelle.
I can't live without her.
But...
I can't do anything right.
I'm going to shoot myself.
Oh, no, no, darling!
I must. I'm a failure.
You're all that Mummy's got
now that Daddy's gone.
I'm a complete failure.
- No!
(Gunshot)
I told you I was a failure. I missed.
Mummy's little teddy!
Ninety-nine.
Ninety-nine.
Ninety-nine. Ninety-nine.
- Say "ninety-nine."
- Ninety-nine.
Ninety-nine.
I see. This stems from the unfortunate accident
with that church spire.
Yes, you got the point.
No, you got the point.
And you're finding it difficult
to make love to your wife.
Yes. Can you help me?
You want me to make love to your wife?
Ah... no, certainly not!
I want you to help me to do it.
Jolly good.
Please drop your trousers.
I'm quite sure
your condition is psychological, not pathological.
There is absolutely no reason
why you cannot enjoy a perfectly
normal relationship with your wife.
But I've tried and tried.
And you can't raise any enthusiasm.
I can't raise anything.
You seem to have the right equipment.
You're very kind.
Oh, doctor, your hands are very cold.
Sorry.
Cough.
Yes. As I thought.
It's all in your mind.
Are you sure?
I'll prove it. Nurse!
Wait a minute.
I've got nothing on. I am not decent.
She's a nurse.
She is used to seeing things like that.
Open your coat, please, nurse.
Thank you, nurse.
You see.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're making a fuss
- about such a little thing.
- I would not say that.
You will catch a cold in your eye.
It is incredible.
- What is?
- She must be in a very bad way.
What is it? Who's she got in bed now?
You'll never believe me when I tell you.
The ambassador.
- Which one?
- Her husband.
Oh! Well, I suppose a change
is as good as a rest.
That was wonderful, darling.
Think nothing of it.
It's good exercise. It builds up the lumber.
And your rectus abdominus.
- I'll tell you something else.
- What?
It's a lot better than pumping iron.
I've never stopped taking my pill since...
since I left school.
Well, the pill is only 99.99% safe, you know.
I'm afraid you are the unlucky 0.001.
I've never heard of that before.
I mean, I don't mind becoming a mother,
so long as it doesn't interrupt
with my love life too long.
I would respectfully suggest that a few months
lay-off might do you a world of good.
It might do the world a world of good, too.
Well, that's it, then. I think we should celebrate.
Why not? Let's go behind the screen.
For why?
To celebrate. I've been reading
all about how naughty you are,
and I'm thinking,
we both can be naughty together.
How dare you? I am a married lady.
Nurse?
Coming, doctor.
- Emile, I have some news for you.
- Yes? What is it, darling?
What would you say
to an addition to the household?
Oh, no, no, no. We already had the inflation.
Everything's going up.
There's Loins, Mrs Dangle, Leyland.
Even old Richmond's had a rise.
I am talking about a baby. I am pregnant.
Oh, I feel faint. I must sit down. Oh!
Oh, I've come over queer.
I'm going to be a father. Oh!
- You don't mind?
- Mind? I think it's wonderful.
So do I, but I don't understand
how I get a baby on the pill.
I have a confession to make to you.
I wanted to be the only man in your life
and I thought - motherhood.
- Motherhood?
- A devoted mother doesn't have time to dally.
- What are you telling me?
- When you were asleep, I took your pills away.
- But I haven't stopped taking them.
- You thought you were taking them,
but I got a chemist friend of mine to make up
a substitute and slotted them into your packet.
- Oh la la!
- You are angry?
No. So all the time
I have been taking some harmless pills.
They weren't exactly harmless.
- What were they?
- They were fertility pills.
(Babies crying)
Hip hip... hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
(Cheering)
Don't they look like their father?
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes I work so hard
I wish she'd leave me alone
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
# The woman is love crazy
# She's out on her own
# Sometimes it gets so hard
I just don't want to go home
# The woman is love crazy
# She's loving all night
# The woman is love crazy
# Won't stop for a bite
Captioned by Grantman Brown