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Casual Sex? (1988)
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[ Chorus ] Ol, ol ol, ol Ol, ol ol, ol [ Man ] Yes, sir Ha, ha [ People Hooting, Whistling ] Yes, girls Me mind on fire Me soul on fire Feelin' hot, hot, hot Party people All around me Feelin' hot, hot, hot Oh, what to do on a night like this Music sweet I can't resist We need a party song A fundamental jam So we go room, boom, boom, boom Feelin' hot, hot, hot Feelin' hot, hot, hot See people rockin' Hear people chantin' Feelin' hot, hot, hot Keep up the spirit Come on, let's do it Feelin' hot, hot, hot It's in the air Celebration time Music sweet Captivate your mind We have this party song This fundamental jam So we go room, boom, boom, boom Feelin' hot, hot, hot [ Woman ] Casual Sex? Feelin' hot, hot, hot You gotta be kidding. I can't deal with it. Me neither. Not anymore. Just the thought of it makes me paranoid. We should introduce ourselves. I'm Stacy. I'm Melissa. And right now we're both scared of being single and having sex. I've always been scared of sex. Not me. This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I remember when it was actually fun to say, "Wow, that really felt great. What's your name again?" I've never had sex with someone I didn't know. For that matter I've never said, "Wow, that felt really great." Sex always seemed like the best way to feel really connected with guys. I guess that's cause I grew up when I did. I wasn't much of a trendsetter during the sexual revolution. It would have been a lot easier if I would have been more like Stacy. Melissa, you'll never guess what. What? Last night Kenny Kreiger came over to where I was babysitting. - And guess what. - What? We were fooling around and guess what happened. What? He made me touch it! [ Both Squeal ] It was so weird. It was like skin, only different. What color was it? I don't know. I didn't look at it. I just touched it. You never saw it? Well, I don't know. It felt like... orange? [ Both Squeal ] By senior year, I saw it. But I still couldn't tell you what color it was. A month after my 17th birthday, I finally did it... with it. Is that it? Did we do it? [ Boy ] Yeah. It kinda hurt, but it was good. Yeah. Did you see my other shoe anywhere? By my second year of college, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I was the only virgin left in the dorm... except Ronny, who knew even less about sex than I did. [ Exhales ] Please, Ronny. You're my best male friend, and the first time I do it... I want it to be with someone I'm comfortable with. [ Sighs ] Well-- Okay. But let's not get all freaked out afterwards. Thanks. I really appreciate it. [ Sighs ] [ Flips Pages ] I guess I should undress now? That would be good. You want foreplay? Yeah, that... would be good. [ Stacy ] I was especially hot for struggling artistic types with a lot of potential, like Baylor Schneff, neo-post-pop expressionist. His lovemaking was just like his art. Primitive but passionate. [ No Audio ] Brian Ellis, lead guitarist for Dripping Sweat. I couldn't get enough of those backstage passes. Gunter Kroger, the sous-chef that trained me-- He taught me to trust my instincts in the kitchen. [ Laughs ] Stop! I can't-- Joey Egan, the closing act at the Giggle Box-- His timing was even better horizontally. [ Laughs ] But not every man in my life was an artistic genius. Some I must admit were very attractive strangers. It was the early '80s, and sex was still a good way to meet new people. [ Man ] Uh, excuse me. [ Melissa Narrating ] I was never as adventurous as Stacy. Apart from that time with Ronny, I only slept with one other person. Gary Erdman, the guy I almost married. [ TV Announcer ] Three-pointer! [ Melissa Narrating ] I teach kindergarten, and one of my kids fixed us up. Well, actually it was Joey's mom, but Joey took the credit. [ Urinating ] God, I love the idea of being married, of not being by myself. [ Toilet Flushes ] Now with Gary, I thought I was finally comfortable with my own sexuality. [ TV Announcer ] No call. To Bird. Inside. Off the glass. [ Melissa Narrating ] But deep down, I guess I knew it wasn't gonna work. Okay, so I didn't know, but I had a feeling. Gary? Mm-hmm. Do you love me? Sure. I love ya. Unbelievable! The Celtics always get the breaks. [ Sighs ] Two weeks before the wedding, Gary changed his mind. He said he was sorry, but he was going through a selfish phase. Luckily, the tags were still on my dress, but I couldn't return the 600 monogrammed napkins. Just once I'd like to wear a sexy white dress blowing all around me... and not have men run away screaming. Just once I'd like to have the kind of sexual experience... where you don't have to go to the bathroom and cry afterwards. I bet Marilyn cried in the bathroom after sex. Probably more than once. Everyone does. Men too? They can't. They're asleep. Maybe Melissa envied my reckless past, but some time around the mid-'80s I started regretting it. One day I was standing in line at the mini-mart, and I happened to look at the magazine rack. Time, Newsweek, People. It was on every cover. So, Stacy. How are things at the restaurant? Oh, fine. Yeah, when are they gonna make you a chef? Soon. Do you have my results? Yeah, don't worry. You're fine. You tested for everything? Yeah, I tested for everything, okay? And you're perfectly healthy. Are you sure? I'm sure. Good-bye, Stacy. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for sparing a formerly flirtatious, spontaneous, and let's face it, much too promiscuous slamhound. You won't be sorry, 'cause from now on I swear I'll lead a life of pure sublimation. I'll aerobicize my little heart out. I'll meditate. I'll compose symphonies. I'll do anything to keep myself from ever touching human flesh again. I'll give new meaning to the word "celibacy." Ooh! Stacy, you don't have to commit to lifelong celibacy. Just practice safe sex. Safe sex. Who'd have ever thought those two words would exist in the same sentence? I don't know. Maybe abstinence isn't such a bad thing. Beats sleepin' with guys who don't call you back afterwards. And you and I have more in common now that we're both afraid of sex. That's consoling. I miss it. I mean, I don't know how to get close to men without it. There's your boyfriend. So what? There's yours. [ Snorting ] Well, it's been 10 months and 17 days, and the only man who looked safe to me was Dr. Goodman. And I wasn't attracted to him. Then it seemed like I wasn't attracted to anybody, and that scared me more than AIDS did. Where were you? God, I'm sorry. I got a great surprise. What? This is where we're going on our vacation. Okay. "Oasis Health Spa." They're all exercising. That's not a vacation. There's all kinds of social events. Look. There's dancing, parties. Look how pretty it is. I don't know. My mom told me about a cruise to Hawaii... where we can lay out in the sun and be blobs for a week. That's a vacation. Yeah, but what kinda guys are we gonna meet? At this place at least we know everybody's into being healthy. It'll help me with my paranoia. Stacy. How's it goin'? [ Gasps ] Hi, Baylor. Do you remember him from the Fringe festival? Oh, yeah. Hi. Stacy, I'm into something totally different now. [ Shudders ] I can't even put it into words. Why don't you come over? [ Stuttering ] I'm sorry. We're having lunch. Oh, yeah. Okay, great. Let me give you my new address. My new number. Okay? It's a garage arrangement. Great. [ Sighs ] [ Giggles ] I gotta get out of this town. Good-bye! Yea! [ Giggling ] [ Man ] Yes, sir Ha, ha, yeah We're so color coordinated. God, we're gonna be the best lookin' ones there. [ Car Backfiring ] [ Man ] Me mind on fire Me soul on fire Feelin' hot, hot, hot Party people All around me Feelin' hot, hot, hot Oh, what to do on a night like this Music sweet I can't resist We need a party song A fundamental jam Feelin' hot, hot, hot I want you two to know you got the biggest room in the place. Really? Yeah. It used to be the honeymoon suite when this was a regular hotel. Why don't you two take a look around? I'll get your luggage up to your room. Okay. Ready to go break some hearts? Uh-huh. Bye, darling. Bye. See people rockin' Hear people chantin' Feelin' hot, hot, hot [ Melissa ] Oh, wow! This is beautiful. Oh, my God. I feel so much healthier now, and we just checked in. It's in the air Celebration time Music sweet Captivates your mind We have this party song This fundamental jam So we go room, boom, boom, boom [ Chorus ] Hot, hot, hot Come on. Hot, hot, hot How ya doin'? My name is Vinny. Oh. Hi. Hi. You girls better be nice to me. I came all the way from New York just to meet you. - Really? What part? - Actually, Paterson, New Jersey. You familiar with the Straight Street exit? Mmm. Not really. No? What ya do, you hop on the George Washington Bridge. When you get past the Leona Park exit, you pick up Highway 80... which is also known as the Passaic Highway. Vinny, I'm sorry, but we-we have to get back to our rooms. Our suitcases. Yeah. Sorry. Bye. That's your boyfriend. Did I say go West on 80? Hey, how ya doin'? My name's Vinny. I came all the way from New York just to meet with you. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah. [ Continues ] Make way for the condom express. [ Melissa ] What's that? Just in case you fall in love. There's enough in there for the whole planet to fall in love. - Well, that's the point, Melissa. Hello? - [ Knocking ] [ Man ] Hello. Hi. Hi. Welcome to Oasis. Would you like to come in? Yeah. Okay. Room service. - Hi. - Hi. I'm Jamie. Uh, but for some reason, I don't think you're Chuck and Eli? Oh, no. This is Melissa, and I'm Stacy. What can we do for you? Uh-- Uh, part of my job is to take the measurements of all the male guests. - [ Scoffs ] - [ Chuckles ] Uh, you're not hiding Chuck and Eli in here, are you? No. [ Sighs ] Why don't you take our measurements? We gotta get it over with anyway. Right. Right. [ Whispers ] Confidence. Well, come on. Who's first? These aren't really my hips. They're a cruel joke that runs in my family. Melissa, why are you being so hard on yourself? You look great. Yeah, I absolutely agree. Now, Melissa, I have yet to meet anyone who has come here totally satisfied with their bodies. Now, you may not have noticed, but I'm not exactly what you would call-- - Tall? - Tall. Yeah. And I've never liked my feet. Really? I love my feet. If you'd like me to provide you with some vital statistics... that can't be measured in a public place, I'd be happy to do so. You mean your I.Q.? My weight's okay. It's just the way I wear it. [ Gasps ] [ Woman ] Natural spring water. From deep underground. It purifies. It cleanses. And everyone must drink at least 10 glasses of it a day. Ooh! How you doin', Megan? Pretty good. You look good. All right. Thank you. [ Jamie ] Come on, with some energy. Pick those knees up. Pick 'em up! Pick 'em up! Oh, come on, Bianca. Have some fun. [ Jamie Laughs ] [ Panting ] Megan obviously got the good trampoline. Don't let it get to you. Just think if you separated her individual body parts... with, say, like, a huge meat cleaver and then laid them out on a table, you wouldn't think she was such hot stuff. You got your flag? - Hi. I'm Nick. - I'm Stacy. Hi, Stacy. This is my friend Melissa. Hi, Melissa. Hi. Wow, did you guys get all dressed up for me? I'd love to say yes, but I was really just hoping we'd look fantastic in these beanies. And you will. But you need the flags for the full effect. Okay. Okay? Dig in. Now remember, don't show your flag until Frankie gives you the word. - All right. - I hope you meet someone nice. Okay. [ Stacy ] Let's get a drink, okay? [ Melissa ] Okay. I need to cool off. Hi. Hey, hi. It's Chuck and Eli. Good to see you. Welcome. Welcome to the spa beverage center. You guys want something to drink? I take it that's got mineral water in it. Ninety-seven percent, just like your body. If it was like my body, it would be 97% ice cream. I'll have some guava juice, please. Okay. How about you, Melissa? You remembered my name. Hello! Okay, everybody. Get over here. Come on. Come back anytime day or night. I live for makin' this stuff. [ Emcee ] Okay, everybody. Get over here. Come on. Come on. Okay. That guy's got the biggest boner for you. Stacy, he makes fruit drinks. He's a nutritionist. You're a kindergarten teacher. I say go for it. No way. He's one of those, you know, really nice guys... you just joke around with like somebody's brother. Wait. Where is everybody? I thought you disappeared, you all look so thin already! I can't believe it. [ Crowd Laughs ] This is International Night. Here's your chance to say... bonjour, guten abend, buongiorno and howdy to all your new best friends. [ Crowd Cheers, Applause ] I hope you kept your flags well hidden, because if you haven't guessed by now, the person whose flag matches yours will be your date for the evening, okay? But now the moment has come. So let's unfurl our flags. Let's take them out right now. Let's wave them up in the air, shall we? Come on. There we go. Wave them. - Yea! - There we go. This is how it works. You take your flag and you stick it in the lovely hole right on top of your head. That's right. Just like that. Then when I blow the whistle, you run, find your partner, fall in love and have babies. Yes, it's that easy. [ Chuckles ] Get ready, and-- [ Whistle Blows ] [ Emcee ] Come on! Find him! Good! Stacy, I see my guy. He's gorgeous. Ecuador. Ecuador. Ecuador! Hello. I'm Matthew. Melissa. So. So. You know what I'm noticing? How significant a first encounter is. Every word forms an irreversible impression. Yeah. You look really good in that hat. Let's talk. What's your name again? Melissa. Melissa. Excuse me. Hi. Could you do me a little tiny favor? You see, the guy I got matched up with, I know him already. I was kinda hopin' to meet someone new. So, would you mind just trading with me? I think we should just stick to the rules. Listen, nobody is even gonna know about this. All right? This guy is so worth it. I mean, ooh! What's he like? Oh, total class. Way cool. You gotta meet him. You'll drop dead. [ Sighs ] I don't think so. I'm s-- Please? As a personal little favor for me. I'm telling you. You're gonna be thanking me. [ Sighs ] Okay. Great. You know what Dutch men are like too, don't you? Real handsome and virile and big. Hey! Stacy! Holland. Do you fuckin' believe that? Mm-hmm. I can. [ Grunting ] Can I ask you a personal question? Sure. What do you think of this body, huh? Well, you're real muscular, and I'm sure some women like that. Oh, they do. I mean, this body is meant to be enjoyed by people, you know? I could trash it, but no, I choose to beautify it like Central Park. Great. Just stay away from it at night. Oh, come on, baby. Be brave. Let's take a little carriage ride through the park, huh? No, thanks. I've already seen it. No. Not all of it. Not that giant new monument goin' up, baby. Oh. I'm concerned about this penis size thing. I wanna know how men feel. Is it really such a big deal with you guys? Like, do you obsess about it? Do you measure it and compare it to the penis next to yours in the men's room? Do you secretly wish there was some sort of penis development cream... or machine at the gym? Gary told me they're all the same size when they're erect. [ Exhales ] So, anyway, like I was sayin', I'm driving this rich couple around in my limo, right? Then, get this. Mr. Big Bucks waves a couple 20s in front of my face, says he wants me to get it on with his wife while he watches, right? You know what I'm talkin' about, right, snapper head? Yeah, good. Anyway, next thing you know, bada-bing, bada-bang. The lady climbs over the front seat, hops on the armrest... and starts beggin' me to rip off her gown. She's gettin' all hot, naturally, and he is too... from all this heavy breathin' I hear in the backseat. He's yellin', "Nail her, nail her!" [ Chuckles ] I look in the rearview. The guy's havin' some kind of asthma attack. Turns out he's yellin', "Inhaler, inhaler!" So we gotta do a little detour over to St. Vincent's. They get out. I don't see no money and worst of all, the Vin Man's left with a very frustrated Mr. Peabody. [ Bites Nails, Spits ] I only hope that woman is resilient enough to overcome her unfulfilled desires for you. You know, Matthew's a psychologist. I just love therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy. That would be good for me. Actually, I'm here to do research for a book I'm writing... on the psychosexual tendencies of premenopausal females. Yeah, me too. Vinny, look, you don't have to walk me all the way there. It's okay. Oh, no. No, no. I'm your date. You're my responsibility. Safety. There are a lot of creeps around here. You don't know that. All right, Vinny. Thanks. Bye. Hey, that's nice carpet you got in there. Is that new? Vinny, that's it. The date's over. Vinny, look, you've been all over me for the past three hours. I think I've been pretty tolerant... because it seems like there's a very funny, appealing guy in there. Somewhere. Good night. Maybe I'll come in. We'll talk about it. That's a valid point. Bye. Yeah, I mean, uh-- [ Sighs ] Maybe we'll do it again some time, huh? Yeah. I gotta go anyway. Really. No, Stacy. Stacy, don't beg. It don't look good on you. Really, another time. Please, please, please. I mean, I realize-- I'm the best from the East I'm a wild crazy beast I'm the Vin Man Please, honey. Not tonight. [ Sighs ] [ Karate Yell ] [ Vinny Grunting ] That's a boy. Here you go. [ Screams ] [ Instructor ] 97, 98, 99-- [ Man ] Keep goin'! Ooh! It's horrible. It's not that bad, Melissa. Yes, it is. I feel like a windshield wiper. [ Groans ] [ Grunting ] [ Giggling ] [ Laughing ] [ Panting ] [ Groans ] [ Gasps ] [ Stacy ] Melissa, there's your boyfriend. [ Gasps ] [ Laughs ] We gotta do it. Let's go. [ Whimpers ] [ Scoffs ] I can't. I can't either, but we have to. Come on. You havin' fun? Yes. This is the most perfect date I've ever been on. Stacy, how are you? Jim Farrell. We went to the prom together. I took Stacy's virginity. How about that? Nick, get me outta here. No, wait. I wanna thank you. 'Cause of all the help you gave me with my trig homework, I got accepted to M.I.T. I'm not an underachiever anymore. Congratulations. Thanks. Yeah. How have you been? Fine. I've missed you. You've changed my life, you know. After being with you, I had the courage to sit down... and write a Pulitzer Prize winning novel. You might just recognize the heroine. - Who are you? - Kenny Kreiger. Don't you remember? [ Scoffs ] You touched it. Thanks so much for doing that, by the way. I bragged to everyone at school about it. Now I'm so popular, I'm running for class president. [ Groans ] Psst. Psst. Psst. Stacy. Stacy, remember me? Mike Sullivan-- The guy that never called you back. Well, I've been paying for that mistake every day since. I'm a complete failure. I can't hold a steady job. I had to move back in with my parents. I'd call you now, but they won't let me use the phone. They just won't let me use-- I'll always call you back. You have nothing to worry about with me. Nothing? Nothing. And you'll be starting a clean slate. [ Moans ] Even though I'm incredibly sexy, I have never... been to bed with anyone... in my entire life. Oh, my God. [ Man ] Do you, Melissa, take Gary to be your lawfully wedded husband, to honor and cherish from this day forth, as long as you both may live? [ Melissa ] I do. Gary, do you take Melissa to be your lawful wedded wife, to honor and cherish from this day forth for as long as you both may live? I do. [ Man ] Stop! Melissa, you don't have to marry him. I'll marry you. - I'll marry you. - I'll marry you, Melissa. Who are you? You don't know me. But your parents do, and they love me. - Melissa. - I love you, Melissa. Melissa, I love you. I'll marry you. Melissa, I love you. You can trust me. I love you, Melissa. [ Men ] I love you, Melissa. I'll marry you. It was the weirdest dream. I have no idea how those thoughts got into my head. I have no imagination. You're horny. I am not horny. I hate that word. I'm extraordinarily horny. I haven't had sex since a year ago, April. Wow. That's an even longer stretch than me. Why? Well, I found out my boyfriend was seeing other women, and I had to end it. It was making me too nervous. Yeah. Now when you're with a guy, you're not just sleeping with him. You're sleeping with everyone they've had sex with. And everyone they've had sex with. [ Together ] And everyone they've had sex with. Gee, I'm a lot more experienced than I thought I was. [ Giggles ] What do you miss most about sex? [ Sighs ] I miss falling asleep with someone's arms around me. - And the feeling of... - Orgasm? [ Chuckles ] I love orgasms. [ Groans ] I'm sick of my Mighty Intruder vibrator with the flexible shaft and the textured head. [ Both Laugh ] I wish I missed it as much as you guys do. What about Gary? Didn't you guys have some down and dirty sex? Hmm? Well, um, one time, we did it twice in a row. And the first time it wasn't too bad. And the second time, it took a lot longer. And... I came so close. Haven't you ever had an orgasm? Oh, yeah, sure. [ Chuckles ] Well, not really. I mean, not with someone else in the room. Melissa, you never told me that before. Well, it's okay. I mean, it'll work itself out. Well, it took me a while to figure it out too. It's complicated for women. But I think it's-it's best on top. You know, if you take control and then, like, really move around... till you find the right spot? Really? I like to be on the bottom. And I just move my hips like this. You can have one with the guy on top? - Mm-hmm? - I hate you. God, how do you do that? Just like this. What? Wh-What? - What are you doin'? A circle? - Mm-hmm. Yeah, just a little circle. Like a little "O." - What are you doing here? - Didn't you schedule a massage? You? The very best. Ay-yi-yi. [ Sighs ] [ Giggles ] I can't-- Um, I can't help it. Why don't we try a real easy exercise? It might help you loosen up a little. Okay. All right, I want you to pay attention to your breathing. In. [ Inhaling ] And out. [ Exhaling ] That's good. Now, try to imagine... that your body is very heavy. That shouldn't be hard to imagine. [ Whispers ] Hey, only positive thoughts. Okay. [ Screams, Giggling ] [ Piano ] [ Chattering, Laughing ] [ Stops ] [ Resumes ] - Oh, hi. - Sounds great. Yeah, thanks. It's just somethin' I've been workin' on. Don't let me interrupt you. No, no, you're not. I was stuck anyway. Do you write a lot of songs? I used to. I used to be in a band. Ever heard of Bruce Springsteen? Yeah. I have a lot of his records. [ Laughs ] No, I really was a musician, but I, um-- I gave it up for a rewarding career as a health shaper. Don't you miss it? You're really talented. - Really? - Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. I do. I do miss it, but I can't complain. I'm gettin' paid to stay in shape, right? What about your plans later? I mean, after your spa career. I don't know. There's some things I'm workin' on. I'm puttin' some things together. I'm workin' on stuff. There's a lot of things goin' on. Right. See you later. Get back to work. [ Chuckles ] [ Rock ] [ Chattering, Laughing ] Hey, what's goin' on? [ Grunting ] How about one of your special drinks? I thought you'd never ask. That's a pretty dress. Thank you. It makes you look feminine. Melissa, why don't we dance? Okay. Okay? Jamie, back to work. I need an aggressive beverage. Let's dance. Here I go She's a wild card Won't let go She's a wild card [ Continues ] The way you move, it's so expressive. Most women would be too embarrassed to really let themselves go like that. Do you know how complex you are, Melissa? Um, I think so. I feel the need to understand you, to know why you are who you are... and how you became that way. And when. How about a real drink, huh? Oh, I don't know. You don't know? Come on. Take a shot, baby. Get this party rollin'. Well, just a little. I don't want to ruin the effects of my colonic. Then when I was 13 I got caught plagiarizing from the World Book... and my dad ripped my phone out of the wall. Then he said I had to return my American Legion award in front of the whole school... because I didn't deserve it... because you're supposed to be honest. And so I cried the whole night because I couldn't figure out... how I was going to stand in front of the whole school... and give back my American Legion award. They would think I was crazy. The next day at school my heart was pounding the whole day-- Oh, I can tell you later. [ Sighs ] Melissa, did you know that women experience 63% more heightened neurological sensitivity... during the arousal phase than during climax itself? Really? I like all the phases. I should stop. But you don't want to, right? I feel so many things right now. This is kind of interesting. They were really easy getting on. [ Applause, Cheering ] Hello! I cannot tell you how excited I am to bring you an unexpected treat tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present our very own... Mr. Nick Lawrence. [ Cheering ] [ Electric Piano ] I can really see you You are really here And when we touch You don't disappear It's nothin' like I planned It's all that I'm worth It's strange and beautiful It's heaven and earth And who you really are And who I really am Come shinin' through Shinin' through [ Continues ] [ Kissing ] What's the matter? [ Grunts ] We have a problem. What is it? [ Sighs ] I can't. I'm sorry. Is it me? No, no, no. It's not you. It's me. I'm not attracted to you. Oh. Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection... but rather as an acceptance between two people whose needs are profoundly incompatible. And you're not alone. I'm going to devote an entire chapter to this in my book. - You want me to walk you back? - No, that's okay. Melissa, I know you're hurting, but whatever you do don't judge those feelings. They're just feelings. They're great. [ Sighs ] [ Sighs ] I really wish you hadn't seen that. We gotta find a hero Somewhere, sometime We gotta be strong With love on our mind Oh, no Rescue each other Hold on in the end To the hand of a stranger The hand of a friend - Behind your eyes - Everything I believed in [ Background Singers ] Ohh I see myself in you Behind your eyes Behind your eyes I found something new There behind your eyes Behind your eyes I found the face that I never knew Before Behind your eyes [ Cheering, Applause Continue ] Oh! [ Vinny Groans ] - Hey! - Vinny! - Hi. - You're drunk. It's happy hour. Could've fooled me. Oh, you want a shot? No, I better not. Okay. There. That'll make you feel better. [ Sighs ] It's good stuff, huh? Ahh. It's good, see. We'll have our own party. Okay? Just me and you. What kind of a party? Um-- All right, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna tell you a joke, a funny joke, a joke you're gonna like. What happens-- You laugh, you gotta take a shot of this. If you don't laugh, I gotta take a shot. Okay. All right, here's the joke. All right, there's this old guy, right? He's like 80 years old, maybe 81. It doesn't matter after 30. You know what I'm sayin'? So anyway, this guy says, uh, he wants one last night... of really havin' a good time, you know. So he goes out, he hops a few bars, meets this bimbo, right? Bada-bing, bada-bang. They're goin' at it all night long. She was young, like 19 years old. I'm surprised the guy even lived through that, right? What's the funny part? I'm gettin' to that. I'm gettin' to the funny part, all right? Don't put me under pressure here. So now what happens, the guy goes to confession a few days later, right? So he's tellin' the priest everything, like play-by-play, what happened that night. So the priest says, "Say 20 Hail Marys, and you'll get forgiveness." So the guy tells the priest, "I ain't even Catholic." So the priest says to him, "Then why are you tellin' me this whole story?" He goes, "I'm not just tellin' you. I'm tellin' everybody." [ Giggles ] You see what I'm sayin' to you? [ Chuckles ] I don't get it. Well, they're not all golden, honey, you know? What about you? You got a joke? Uh, this is one that the kids at school told me. Why did the chicken go halfway across the street? Why? He wanted to lay it on the line. You're not laughing. Oh, not yet. Not yet. Inside, it's building. It's building. About a half hour from now I'll be rollin' all over the beach. You won't be able to stop me. I'll be in hysterics. [ Giggling ] Wait. I get one, to be fair. Okay. All right. I tell you what. You like charades? You like charades? All right. All right, um-- What is this? It's a movie, right? Nick, I think we should talk about something, but it's no big deal. What? Well, it's kinda hard to say. Well, then, whisper it. It's been a long time for me, and the thing is, I feel like I should ask you questions, but I don't want to interrogate you. Medical history questions? Yes. You have to be so careful, and you don't know who anybody's been with. I'm not saying anything about you, but I-- I know. Shh. Don't worry. I'll take care of it. This is a miracle. For once, it's all up to him. No tubes, no jellies, no furtive trip to the bathroom. I can just sit back and let it happen. I don't have to do anything. I'm not too good with these things. You think you can give me a hand putting it on? Sure. [ Man ] The good news is that your Blue Cross will cover this visit. The bad news is that you have herpes simplex one and two, trichomonas, gonorrhea, acute immune deficiency syndrome-related complex, vulvar lesions, secondary syphilis, venereal warts... and a potentially unbearable case of the crabs. But he was only the third guy in my life, and the first one didn't count. No, all contact counts. But I thought I had safe sex. Oh, no sex is safe enough for you, Melissa. Well, enjoy the rest of your vacation. [ Melissa Screams ] [ Ducks Quacking ] [ Groans ] We must've fallen asleep. [ Both Groan ] Oh, I wish I were dead. [ Heaving ] [ Heaving Continues ] I'll be all right. Cigarette, honey? No. [ Lighter Flicks ] Uh-- Where you goin'? I'm going back to my room to take a shower. Hey, don't worry about it. You know, uh, we'll do it again some time. [ Sighs ] Chicks. I'm the best from the East I'm a wild, crazy beast I'm the Vin Man [ Chuckles ] [ Nick ] That was the most intense it's ever been for me. I feel like I died for a second. [ Stacy ] Me too. But it wasn't like dying. It was more like sinking. [ Sighs ] [ Nick ] It was like flying. Yeah, flying. [ Nick ] Not just flying, but actually hurtling through outer space, galaxy after galaxy. Sorry. I can't get a cab here in time. You won't be able to make the 8:00 bus. Oh, yes, I will. Well, there's another one at 2:00. No, I can't stay here any longer. Will you please see that Stacy Hunter gets that? Melissa, you're not leaving us, are you? Melissa, seeking escape from a challenging environment... points to potentially very serious personality deficits. You really ought to consider analysis. [ Grunts ] [ Melissa ] Asshole. [ Spits, Coughing ] Hop in the back, honey. Thanks. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. Can I make the bus to L.A.? Just missed it. [ Exhales ] Damn it. [ Exhales ] Next one leaves at 2:00. Okay. I'll take one for the 2:00. Excuse me. Melissa told me to give you this. Thanks. Thank you. What is it? [ Sighs ] Melissa went back to L.A. All my fault. I gotta go home. You're just gonna leave? I have to. She doesn't have anybody else. Come on. Stacy! Stacy. I wanna go with you. Well, I'd love that, but what about your classes? I'll get someone to cover for me. [ Laughing ] I'm gonna go with ya. [ Woman Crying ] [ Crying Continues ] I lied. I was extremely attracted to you. I just didn't want you to see my unusually small penis. Wait. Melissa, you're alive! Jamie, I am. Kiss me. Jamie. Kiss me. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. You're here. Yeah. What are you doing here? I just wanted to make sure you were all right. I guess I better pack Melissa's stuff too, huh? I hope she's okay. You know, I've been thinkin', Stacy. Yeah? I might wanna stay in L.A. for a while. But you'll lose your job. Yeah, well, maybe that's not such a bad thing. I mean, L.A.'s where all the music people are, right? Yeah. I could give it a shot. You should. You're so good. [ Mutters ] And you could stay at my place. Really? - [ Sighs ] - Do you really have to go home? I don't know. I just feel so left out at that place. But if I go home, then it's like I just gave up. Besides, what if my body starts to crave that mineral water? [ Brakes Squeaking ] Can we have two tickets, please? Yeah. We're going to Hollywood. - Why don't you just put it on your credit card? - I don't have one. - Really? - [ Laughs ] Yeah. I don't believe in 'em. Oh. Well, look, just put 'em both on my credit card, and you can write me a check later. No checking account. Oh. Well-- Besides, I've got more in my wallet. [ Nick ] Goin' to Hollywood. Feel it, feel it [ Continues ] Jamie, I am so glad you're back. You gotta take over Nick's aerobics classes for me. Why? Where's Nick? He eloped with Stacy back to L.A. God, it was beautiful. What? Jamie, please. I tried teaching one of the classes myself. I almost passed out. It was really embarrassing. All right, sure. No problem. Thanks, sport. Nick. I can't believe it. Stacy would never get married without telling me. Let's go see what's going on. Why didn't she tell me? Hi, Chopper. Hey, there she is-- my favorite tenant. Hi, Gus. This is Nick. Oh. Yeah. Nice to meet ya. Nick. Hey, you can put those bags out by the dumper. Okay, buddy? [ Giggles ] Come on. Oh, wow! This is beautiful. My God. This is beautiful. Stacy! Where are you? I'm in your apartment. Where the hell are you? I'm here. Why are you there? Well, you were in trouble. So I came to help, and I dragged Nick back with me. This is nuts! Didn't you guys run off to get married? No. Like I'd almost marry someone I met two seconds ago. I mean, I know him enough to know I wanna know him better, but that's not the point. The point is, your note scared me! I'm-- I'm really sorry I got you all worried. All right. At least I know you're okay. Stacy, I hope things work out between you and Nick. Yeah, thanks. Look, I gotta go. Are you sure you're okay? Are you sure you don't want me to come back there? I-I-I'm fine. I gotta go. All right. Bye. [ Sighs ] Guess I'm not going anywhere. I don't get it. I'm hot, tight, vastly entertaining. I thought that's what women want. I know the feeling, pal. What do you say we go into the gift shop... and get you a nice, free Oasis T-shirt? How's that sound? You know, I used to have it all figured out. It's like women changed when I had my back turned. Yeah, it's rough. You know, I read something. Where is it? Here it is. Here you go. "The Pretend You're Sensitive Handbook." Nice save, hon. Yeah. I can't believe how much stuff I got. But I want you to know... I'm not gonna take up any of your closet space. What I'd like to do-- Hon-- What I'd like to do is stick everything over here in the corner... and then get one of those cardboard drawer things, you know. You don't have to do that. I-I can make room. - You're so easy to live with. - Yeah. [ Chuckles ] So here. Here's my contribution to the apartment. Oh. Well, I guess I'll just go put these away right now. That's great. Think I got another one in here too, hon. [ Panting ] Help. Jamie, you know, you've done everything a human could possibly do this week to make me happy. Not everything. Well, I-- Yeah, I know. But, uh, you-- Just, like-- I feel like I-- You-- Uh-- It just wouldn't feel right for me to get romantic with you. Why not? Well, um, you're not the usual kind of guy that I'm attracted to. Oh. No? I mean, you're really attractive, but-- but, um-- I mean, I thought maybe we should just stick to being friends. [ Scatting ] Hey, Stace! You wanna cruise up and down Sunset Boulevard? You can show me where all the stars hang out, hon. Oh, Nick, you won't believe what just happened. I called into work. There's a big emergency. They need me. I gotta go. Really? Yeah. Oven problems or something. Oh. But I'll be back just as soon as I can, and I'll call you, okay? You just stay here and have a good time, okay? Okay. Hey, and I love it here, hon. Oh. [ Door Opens ] You think it's too late to use the stereo? [ Door Closes ] [ Door Opens ] I need a small car that's really easy to handle. You'll be fine. Just take your time and don't be intimidated by it, okay? Okay. Thanks, Keith. [ Engine Starts, Revs ] [ Tires Squealing ] [ Crying ] Ah. [ Kissing ] [ Exhales, Sniffles ] Wow. Do I look any different? Gosh, I'm so good in bed. Jamie. What? I never thought it would happen to me. You're a genius. I'm a genius. I bet I could even do it again. Maybe we should wait a few minutes. [ Chuckles ] Okay. Okay. [ Tires Screech ] [ Door Closes ] Can I have the key to Room 34, please? Stacy, so nice to see you. Uh, do you have a few minutes? I mean, it occurred to me. I don't even know where you work. Where I work? Yeah, your career plans, your dreams, your aspirations. I really wanna hear all about them. What I want? I don't even know. Ask me what anyone else wants. Give me three seconds, I'll figure out your whole entire life. Would you... maybe wanna share something with me... about your childhood perhaps? Vinny, what the hell are you talking about? I'm in a big rush. Look, I have to go talk to Melissa. 'Cause if I don't figure out something about my life soon, I'm gonna crack. I respect your strength, Stacy, and I think you've got a lot of potential. - Mmm. - [ Door Opens ] Stacy. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I should have knocked. I-I didn't even think. I'm sorry. Good-bye. Stacy, what are you doing here? Oh, I didn't mean to barge in on you guys. Something's the matter. Why are you here? I don't know. He's in my apartment. Who? There's sneakers all over the living room, and soon there's gonna be cardboard drawers. But who? He thinks I'm a huge doll, and the worst part is he's so nice. - Who's he? - Nick. Stacy, congratulations. I hear you're married. - I'm not married! - Oops. - I'm not married. - Stacy, come in here. Hi, Jamie. Hi. We're just gonna talk for a second. I'd leave, but I'm naked. That's okay. We'll just go in here. Why is Nick suddenly living with you? 'Cause I thought I was in love with him. Uh-huh? [ Exhales ] I think it was the sex. I was celibate for so long, I started to feel like a can of kitchen cleanser. You know, sterile and gritty and abrasive. And when we made love-- I don't know. I felt like a human again. An mammal with breasts. [ Sighs ] And also he's very talented. He's-- Stop. Not the talented thing. Okay. I know. You're right. He's the same guy again. So, what are you gonna do? Well, I guess maybe we could stay together... until Nick gets settled in L.A., and then when he-- Stacy. End it. Go back to L.A. and just do it. Shit. You're right. I am, aren't I? I'm gonna do it. It's a test of my-- my new maturity. [ Whispering ] Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, Jamie's in there. I know. Can you believe it? [ Whispering ] [ Gasps ] Oh! Oh! Did he have one too? [ Shower Running ] [ Frankie Singing ] [ Screams ] It didn't work! What? What? What? It didn't work! What? The book. The book. Don't get mad. I'm not mad. Look, a guy like me cannot pretend. Do you understand I'm from Jersey? It's like-- I know this guy, Joey, right? He-- He's in jail now. He kills three people with a knife. But he didn't fake it. He did it! Look-- Look, Frankie. I-I gotta get out of here. I gotta get back to my roots, put my head together, do some thinkin'. Hey, I'm sorry. I tried. Oh, you-- you've been beautiful. You're special. I relate to you. [ Door Closes ] Good-bye. [ Tires Screeching ] Think she'll do it? I hope so. Hey, Stacy! Stacy! Yo, Stace, would you give me a lift to the bus station? I've had it with this place, really. I promise I won't hit on you. I won't even breathe. Oh-- Come on. Okay, okay. Hurry up. Thanks. I appreciate this. Really. Oh, man. No problem. So, why are you leaving? I was havin' too much fun for one person. I tell ya somethin'. I give up on this whole relationship thing. I mean, I was bombin' out so bad at that place. I would've shaved between my eyebrows if I thought it would help. Tell me somethin'. How do you do it? Do what? This whole man-woman relationship thing. I mean, how do you do it? Like-- Like when you're with your friends, you know, and, uh, you can just talk and do whatever you do. Someone you're comfortable with, you know? Only like, you know-- like on a romantic level. [ Stacy Narrating ] Okay, when I first met Vinny, I thought this guy is a living argument for birth control. But as I get to know him better, I realize he's just like the rest of us-- a mess. - [ Tires Screech ] - [ Engine Stops ] [ Sighs ] So I dropped Vinny off at the bus station... [ Mouthing Words ] and rushed home to face Nick. I'd rehearsed every word I was gonna say... out loud. I'd covered all the angles. There was no way he could talk me out of it. [ Nick ] Stace? Nick. Hey! I went shopping. Boy, these are gonna last forever. And wait till you see the stuff I got for you to make us breakfast. Waffles. Great stuff, huh? And I got this big thing of butter. Look at it. Nick! Nick. This isn't working. Why? You don't like waffles? I-- It's-- It's not-- It's not that. It's that we don't-- don't have any syrup. [ Laughs ] Ahh. You know, it's like I was meant to come here. I mean, everything-- It feels, man-- It feels so right. Really? Yeah. I feel so inspired. You know, last night when you were working, I started on this new song. Oh, guess what it's called. "Stacy." Wow. [ Laughs ] It's got this really great bass line in it. Now, just listen to this. Um-- [ Humming Bass Line ] [ Continues ] Nick, that's great, but-- Mm-hmm. Okay, wait. [ Continues ] Stacy - Nick-- - Oh, Stacy Okay. Anyway, that's all I got so far. Really, I like it. Uh-- [ Clears Throat ] But, uh, look, uh-- This is kinda difficult to say, but I, uh-- I kinda have a problem. Well, is it about money? Aw, honey, don't worry. I can get some dumb job until somethin' else happens. I am feelin' so confident. Really. It's not about the money. It's about us living together. Well, you wanna get a bigger place? No, it's not the size of the apartment, Nick. Well, what-- what is it? Look, I know that I c-- convinced you to come here, and I know I kinda helped you quit your job, but it's about our relationship. Nick. Yeah. It's not gonna work. Well, I thought we had something pretty special here. It's not your fault. It's me. I'll end up taking care of you, and I'll forget all about myself. Oh, you don't have to take care of me. Christ. Nick, I will. You don't know me. I-I'm that way with men. I-I-- I just lose myself. I disappear. You know, but you heard them when I was singin', didn't ya? They loved me. It's gonna be the same way here in L.A. I can't do it this time, Nick. I'm sorry. Okay. That's okay. But let me tell you, you're making a big mistake, 'cause I am gonna make it. Good. I'm gonna be huge. I'm gonna be bigger than huge. I'm gonna be on the cover of Rolling Stone magaz-- No, forget that. I'm gonna be on the cover of Time magaz-- No! Forget that. I-- I am gonna have... more fans than Elvis! Good. Yeah! And I won't even be dead. Think about it. [ Exhales ] [ Stacy Narrating ] Well, Nick packed up his Heftys, and I haven't heard from him since. After Nick, I kind of took a break from guys for a while... again. You got me. I know. But I was hoping for something a little more romantic. Oh. Tell 'em about the letter. You think? Yeah, tell 'em. Okay. "Dear Stacy, I hope you don't mind me writing to you, but the only other letter I ever wrote was to the editor of Flex magazine, and that was just to say how much I enjoyed this particular article called--" [ Vinny's Voice ] "'Hammer Those Glutes Till Your Butt's Like A Bowling Ball.' So it wasn't exactly personal. So, why do I now take pen in hand to write to you? Okay, it's like this. Ever since I got home from Oasis, things are different. Like, all of a sudden, I don't feel like hangin' out every night. I don't feel like hittin' on women. I don't even feel like drinkin' milk out of the carton. I feel-- [ Inhales ] I don't know. Serious. Like I'm in the midst of some heavy changes. I've forced myself to take a closer look at the Vin Man. You know, open 'im up, pull 'im out, dissect 'im like a frog. And I've decided to go after... a more sharply tailored, finely pleated, subtly striped look. [ Grunting ] And I've discovered I have a creative side to my personality. [ Humming ] Hey! [ Loud Sizzling ] Anyway, since most of my friends saw the Vin Man... as a larger-than-life, legendary figure, [ Hooting, Shouting ] many are having difficulties relating to me at this time. But since you didn't know me for very long, I figured it might be easier for you to understand. Besides, you're one of the few people I know who could possibly appreciate all this." "Respectfully, your friend, Vincent Falcone." What can I say? Life is bizarre. Are you sure you have to go so early? Yeah, we still have another bottle of champagne. Oh, well, I'm kinda tired. Besides, you two should be alone. Here. Mwah! Good night, you. Bye-bye. Thanks. Happy New Year. Okay, thanks. Bye. [ Speakers: "Auld Lang Syne" ] [ Door Shuts ] Hey. Need a lift? [ Chuckles ] Vinny. What are you doing here? I was just drivin' around the neighborhood. Last night I-- Look, it's like this. It's Christmas Day. I'm sittin' around my house, right? I'm all alone. So, uh, I hop in the limo. Twenty-four hours later, I wind up in Chicago. And I say to myself, "Vincent, where the hell are you goin'?" That's when it hits me. I'm comin' to see you. You drove all that way just to see me? Hey, only four days and, what, 18 speeding tickets? But it's okay. I got my own business now. Here. I got four of 'em. Four stretch limos. Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. Fully loaded. The works. Hey. But, look, I-- You know, I realize I didn't call or nothin', so, uh, if you got some plans, you know-- Uh, well, I was gonna-- [ Sighs ] I-I have nothin' to do. I'm just going home. Maybe we could do somethin'. I don't know. Maybe go play some miniature golf. You like golf? Vinny. It's late. Yeah, I know. All right. That's all right, you know. I mean, hey, you know, I felt like takin' a drive anyway, you know, uh-- I mean, it's New Year's Eve, you know. You probably had a wild night or somethin'. I mean, who needs a visit from the Vin Man on New Year's Eve? You know what I'm sayin'? I understand. I mean-- Hey, look, you have a good New Year's, all right? I'm gonna, uh, take off. Vinny. You want some breakfast? Um, you know, I could eat somethin'. I'm kinda hungry. I been drivin' a while, you know. I can make you an omelet. [ Laughs ] Oh, yeah? You a good cook? I been doin' some cookin' myself. How 'bout I make you an omelet, huh? That would be nice. Okay, wait a minute. Hang on. I got-- Hang on. What? Wait. Merry Christmas. Ohh! [ Giggling ] [ Limo Door Shuts ] Oh, my God! You like him? What's his name? I didn't give him a name. You-- You choose somethin'. [ Continues Giggling ] I don't know. He's chewing my hair up. [ Growling ] Look at his little face. [ Yaps ] Ooh! He's so cute! [ Yapping Continues ] [ Imitates Barking ] He's a cute one, huh? That's so sweet. [ Guitar ] [ Sleigh Bells Jingling ] [ Continues ] Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring Snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun Now the jingle hop has begun Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock [ Doorbell Chimes ] Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time Dancin' and prancin' in jingle bell square Merry Christmas! In the frosty air Glad you could come. Hi. - [ Barking ] - Whoa! What do you say there, big guy? Let's put them by the tree. Hi, Nicky! [ Chattering ] [ Barking Continues ] [ Nicky ] Come on, Daddy! Hey, come here! Help us, Jamie! Help us! Help us! Help us! [ Chattering Continues ] Jingle bell time is a swell time To go ridin' in a one-horse sleigh Daddy! Come on! [ Laughing ] Melissa. What? There's your boyfriend. So what? There's yours. [ Loud Grunting ] [ Laughing, Shouting ] Get 'em! Yeah. That's the jingle bell That's the jingle bell There's my boyfriend. That's the jingle bell rock [ Reggae ] No more casual sex, man Hey, man! No casual sex Once upon a time Love with the proper stranger was divine Like vintage wine To be tasted Never wasted There was a time When your promiscuity was fine Now it's a crime And the word if you haven't heard is No more casual sex, man Hey, man! No casual sex Yeah, man! No more casual sex, man Hey, man! No casual sex Get up, man! Once upon a time A man with experience was a welcome find Top of the line Sit back, baby Just enjoy the ride Now such a guy Can't even get a date on a Friday night You know why Girls are waitin', interrogatin' No more casual sex, man Hey, man! No casual sex Yeah, man! No more casual sex, man Hey, man! No casual No more, no more No more, no more, no more No more, no more No more, no more, no more Something's happenin' Somebody's runnin' then All the innocent happen to be horny men Something's happenin' Something's imminent Just for livin' in Sodom and Gomorr-again No more casual sex, man Hey, man No casual sex [ Howls ] [ Trills ] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Whoo! Whoo! Once upon a time Every girl was approachable and primed Now there's a sign Hangs on the hearts and the private parts Says no more casual sex, man Hey, man! No casual sex Yeah, man! No more casual sex, man Hey, man! No casual sex Yeah, man! Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Bang-bang! Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Bang-bang! Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Bang-bang! No more casual sex, man Hey, man No casual sex No more casual sex, man Hey, man No casual sex Come on! Hyah! No casual sex No more, no more No more No casual sex Such a casualty Casual sex [ Singers Grunting, Shouting ] Casual sex Casual sex Casual sex [ Laughing, Shouting Continues ] Ohh! Ohh! [ Howls ] [ Fades ] |
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