Uh huh
Hey
We got to get started
We got to make it right
We're gonna keep on going
All day and to the night
We had a will to do it
We got the attitude
All right
We got to,
We got to get it started
We got to make it work,
work, gonna keep it going
We got to get started
We're going all day
and to the night
I said come on
All right
I said, I said, I said, come on
Hey
We got to get it started
We're gonna keep it going
all day and to the night
We just came from, uh,
80s night at 107.
We were in a...
Echo and the Bunnymen,
do you know that band?
No, what do they sing?
Uh... oh!
How the fuck am I supposed
to tell what song that is?
You do? Of course. I love you.
- And I love you.
- Hmm.
Anyway. So we're doing our thing.
Suddenly, I spot these
two Indian babes.
Pete later on discovers that the two
Indian babes are actually Indian dudes.
Oh no no, that's a different story.
Andre used to date an Indian babe.
That's right. Lovely ladies.
Anyway, I'm telling you.
These fucking chicks were hot.
One was hot, one was not.
She was cute.
You are so fucking insensitive.
Would you let him tell the story?
So the one sexy Indian
chick and her hairy friend
happen to make eye contact
with us from across the bar.
So I look over and I, uh,
signal them to come on over.
And they dance on over you
know Kama Sutra, some shit
and the hot one, she's ready to go.
And Pete here... he thinks
she's coming over to him.
She sits down next to me.
I'm telling you guys,
he's fucking smoking.
You know, starts coming on to me and shit.
Like in what way?
Well she starts saying things like...
You have nice lips.
Is it bad if I want to
kiss you in public?
Bad for who? Not for me.
And being the gentleman that I am.
I lean over and I give
her these luscious lips.
Pete and the hairy chick,
they're just watching us.
Finally, Pete says...
Okay. I gotta get up early for work.
Wha-what do you do?
Uh, I'm a trader.
Ohh, mind if I join you?
Lucky for me, Pete
took one for the team.
You had sex with her?
- Oh yeah.
- No. I didn't.
I didn't have se...
Remember the brush burn?
Beth! Babe! Wait!
Dude, you're such a douche.
Whoops. Anyway.
So, I lean into the Indian chick.
I'm like, wanna go?
Why not?
So she grabs me,
pulls me into the alley.
She says, I want to
taste your hard candy.
And I'm like, my what?
Your hard candy.
So I'm like, fuck. Savor the
flavor. Taste the rainbow.
She gives me the fucking knob
slob right there in the alley.
After that, we go
back to her place,
drag her comforter out, take it up to
the roof, seal the deal right there.
My bare ass exposed
to all of downtown.
Quite pretty.
I got a nice ass.
Can you use it in your script?
Dean!
Hmm?
I'm giving you fucking gold here.
I'm sorry, man.
Ohh, she's giving you E.
E?
Energy.
It's my new word.
Whatever. She's giving it to you.
No, she's not.
- Andre?
- Serious E, kid.
Capital E, kid.
- Hello.
- Tess!
- Hey.
- Hi, love.
You are looking quite
lovely tonight, Tess.
Yeah, okay. Thanks.
Um, what's the situation? Hm?
Well, Dean here was
about to go to work.
Would you stop?
Really? Who?
Nothing.
Back?
Oh, blondie?
You know what? The dress
is a little slutty, Dean. But...
Dean, she's got talent.
I would, but I already have
my lady for the night.
Oh yeah? Who's the lucky girl?
What are you doing?
What's he doing?
He's giving you E.
E?
E.
Oh. Right.
Uh huh.
I don't think so, buddy.
- All right.
- Oh.
You save me a dance and I'm
gonna go change this music.
Of course.
Damn, kid.
That was, that was subtle, man.
Hey, I'm in it to win it. Okay?
These people aren't here
to play fuckin' Yahtzee.
They're here to get laid.
Look, all this talking is
just foreplay. It's bullshit.
Back me up, Andre.
We were just fulfilling our
primal needs, like cavemen.
Except for in prehistoric days,
They just exchanged a
few grunts and fucked.
So basically, you're saying
that the only difference
between us and cavemen is
the evolution of language?
Which is ironic because
language is that very thing
that usually gets in the
way of us getting laid.
Pssh. Where do you
come up with this shit?
Little place called the
world wide web, my friend.
- Gay porn.
- Yeah.
Now. Get out there and
take what's yours.
Such an asshole.
And see if she's got a friend.
Two friends.
Here we go.
Ah! Ah! Ohh.
Hey! Good job!
We have an announcement.
Oh yeah? What's that?
We are no longer quarreling.
That's a fucking relief.
Why haven't you not called me?
It's been two days!
The kid's been busy.
Well, I can find me another man.
Oh, I know you can, baby.
Baby?
Baby.
Oh, baby.
- Aww. Baby.
- Baby.
I missed you.
So much.
Okay. Excuse me.
Taxi!
Jesus.
What happened to my dance?
I had to get out of there.
You never dance with me.
I think you'll get over it.
Sara's a crutch, Dean.
Who said I was going to Sara's?
Uh huh. Where are you going then?
Uh huh. Okay, you know what?
Whatever.
You've been warned.
And you know that I love you for it.
Mhmm.
Contact.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
Next stop, Union Station.
Are you really going
to Sara's, Dean?
Seriously, dude?
She's kind of a ho.
Look to your right, Dean.
Excuse me?
Look to your right.
That is love.
Are you lonely?
That's because you're alone.
Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
Yes, oh yeah!
- Hey, Sara?
- Yeah?
Have you ever been in love?
You ever think about it at all?
Just about love. You know,
about being in love.
With you?
Oh, not necessarily with me.
Just in general.
Not really.
What if I said it?
Say what?
What, what if I said I loved you?
Do you?
What if I said it?
Why say it?
Cause you wouldn't mean it.
Okay, so what if I meant it,
what would you say?
I don't know.
Think about it.
I think we've got a pretty
good thing going on here.
You do?
Of course I do.
Huh? Oh, no no.
No thanks, man.
You buy for girl?
Uh, no thanks. No girl.
Ah. You buy for boy?
No, I buy for a girl.
Ah. You buy for a girl.
All right. Here. Let's
see what I got here.
K. All right. There you go.
Ah. Arigato.
Sure.
Interior. The Cave. Night.
Pick up with Jake
wearing all black,
weaving his way through
the uber-hip crowd.
Another hopeless
night in La La Land.
That is until he sees her:
A Siren.
Goddess.
A Muse.
Call her Kat.
I love you.
Are you fucking kidding me?
This dude's gonna tell her that he loves
her even though they've never met?
No. It's actually meant to be
symbolic of Jake's need to find love.
Let me rephrase the question.
Does Jake have a vagina?
Oh, you mean is he a transsexual?
Or maybe he's thinking about
becoming a transsexual.
Or maybe he got his deal lobbed off before
they could dig out a vag or something.
Yeah, yeah.
But they left him with a sack.
But with only one ball.
What the fuck are you
guys talking about?
Jake is a dude.
Fully equipped.
The most manly of men.
Right.
Who wants to fall in love?
So what? There are plenty of guys
are age who are looking for love.
Sure there are.
Name one.
Fuck you guys.
Were you just...
- It was a self-point.
- It was a self-point?
Hello. And welcome back
to Here Comes the Bride.
One last question before asking
the lucky man to marry her!
Groom number one:
What will you do to make
me fall in love with you?
Well, I'm a live life
on the edge kinda guy,
so I think we'd probably
do a lot of skydiving
or bungee jumping or off roaring
in my new 4-wheel drive.
Oh. Ha! I like that.
Groom number two?
Well, since I'm a personal
trainer, my plan is
Oh, personal trainer?
That's really original.
Sounds sweaty.
What will you do to make
me fall in love with you?
To make somebody fall
in love with you.
For the simple reason
that love is predestined.
It's about fate.
It's about magic.
It's about are we
meant to be together?
And while I don't know the
future, I can offer you this:
If you're my destiny, I will love
you with everything that I've got.
Love that answer.
Yeah, but he won't get picked.
Do you wanna know why?
Hmm. Cause he's a geek?
Well, yeah that, and the fact
that he's losing his hair.
See, the chicks on
this show know exactly
who they're gonna marry
the second the guys
Wait? Are you saying
that people that
go on dating shows are shallow?
Shocking.
To men who have healthy
heads of hair.
It's a sign that their offspring
will survive in the next generation.
Genetically speaking.
Are we really qualified to
be speaking genetically?
I wouldn't do so well on this show.
What are you talking about?
You have a head full of hair.
Yeah, but my grandfather was
bald, so I know it's coming.
Only a finite amount of
time left for me to mate.
What are you, a chimp?
I'm telling you...
it's all over for me.
Bald at 25. So tragic.
What? Really?
Wha? I'm bald?
I'm kidding, you punk.
- Thinning?
- I'm hanging up.
Slightly receding?
All right, neurotic. goodbye.
I think I'll marry...
groom number one!
Douchebag.
So, I'm at the post office, right?
I find that I'm two stamps short.
Check my wallet.
Bone dry.
So I turn to this girl behind
me and beautiful brown eyes,
giving me a little E.
So I say, hey,
can I borrow two stamps?
But we gotta go back to
my place to get them.
So we go back to her place.
She's mad cash.
I'm talking persian cat.
Full cloth...
I'm allergic to cats.
So I start petting the cat.
Before you know it,
she joins in, right?
We're both like, vigorously
just petting this cat.
And she says to me,
do you like my cat?
And I'm like, well,
this is perhaps
the finest cat I have ever petted.
She's working the
high hard fastball.
The high hard fastball?
His dick.
My dick.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, must be a short conversation.
Uh, two whiskey sours, okay?
Hm. Why don't you
ever get on that?
Cause you don't sleep
with your friends, Jay.
Who says?
It's a well documented rule.
That's your rule, not mine.
Can you just finish
the story, please?
Where was I?
Right! My dick. Anyway, so
she lifts her head up, right?
Looks at me with those
baby blue eyes.
They were brown.
Brown? Blue? Fucking iridescent!
Doesn't matter,
cause I am seeing stars
at this point, gentlemen.
And you know what she does?
She hands me two stamps.
Damn, kid.
Feel free to use
that in your script.
Oh! What's up, baby?
So, Jimmy, how's school going?
Great. That's great.
Ahh, sorry this is so
last minute, Dean.
Can you believe the deal with my sitter?
Yeah. Why was she deported again?
Oh, I don't know. Something
about drugs or prostitution
or something. What did we
learn about video games?
That they lead to an increase in violence.
Okay, promise you'll be good for your uncle.
All right, I left money on
the counter for dinner.
You guys can get pizza, but
be sure to get a salad, too.
He needs the ruffage.
Oh, but nothing with beans.
He can't process beans.
Just get outta here.
All right.
Thank you! You're a life saver.
Sure.
What's say we do something
educational, actually?
Like what?
I don't know, why don't
I let you decide?
Wrestlemania!
Hey!
Hey! Hey, are you busy?
Wrestlemania!
Um, can you give me a hand here?
Maybe?
All right. All right.
You're asking for it.
I don't hear. Is that a mercy?
I don't hear a mercy?
- Stop! Mercy!
- Do you hear mercy?
I'm not hearing mercy.
At all. Can you?
Are you done?
You're totally done?
- Yes!
- I don't hear it.
- Mercy!
- I can't...
- Mercy!
- Mercy?
I have to hear it louder!
Mercy!
Mercy?
Yes.
All right. Okay.
Yay? What do you mean,
yay? It's not over.
Are you guys having sex?
- What?
- God, no.
No.
Where did you even
learn that word?
Mommy says you used to date.
Oh no. Briefly.
- Yeah, one date.
- Yeah, in college.
We never ever had sex.
Yeah, uh, do you even
know what sex is, Jimmy?
No, explain it.
Yes, Dean. Do explain it.
Sex is like ice cream because
you, you only have it
with people that you
really, really love.
Have you ever had ice cream
with someone before?
No.
So you've never been in love.
Yes. That is right.
So do you masturbate?
You owe me. Big time.
I will, I will paint your
friggin' bedroom, okay?
Except I am not doing
that shade of yellow.
- Yes, you are.
- That is disgusting.
Because you owe me.
So figure it out.
- All right.
- Just make it work.
Well, thanks again for everything.
Ride included.
Well, note to self: buy a car.
Some day. Please.
And fully commit to LA?
Has your shit gone crazy?
Get out of here.
It's been two years, you know?
She's not gonna wait
around forever.
Yeah, well, she's a
fickle mistress.
Yeah. No kidding.
I will buy a car, when I have
a solid reason to stay.
All right. Good.
Done and done.
Now get outta here, you punk.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh.
- Um.
- Okay.
- I'm so sorry.
I mean, really? Dean?
And I think our lips
actually touched there.
Are you wearing like a
peach, like, melon?
Okay. You know what?
It's actually not the first time
you tried to kiss me.
Really?
- Really?
- Yeah.
Because as I recall, it was actually you
who was the instigator of our one kiss.
The kiss that you bailed on.
Okay. Only because I had
just had a root canal,
pretty clear about prior
to the start of the date.
My bottom lip was like still
numb. Give me a break.
Mhmm, and all this time I
thought that drool was for me.
Okay, seriously.
- All right, fine. Going.
- Hurry up.
Move it!
- Bye.
- Bye!
- Ow!
- Sorry.
That was really violent.
Not necessary.
Let us have wine, women,
mirth, and laughter.
Sermons and soda
water the day after.
Don Juan.
Oh, a literary man, no less.
Yeah, well five years of
college finally paying off.
And what dream are
we pursuing now?
That of the actor?
The director?
Screenwriter.
Hmm.
A bartender that writes.
A writer who bartends.
Huh.
Anything I might have seen?
You ever see The Hangover?
I did.
Yeah. I didn't write that.
I'll tell you, if
it's any consolation,
you got most of the
whiskey in the glass.
No, that's Thomas Jefferson.
Hey, um, earlier today one
of my buddies was in here.
Anyway, he works for
a record studio
so I gave him your number.
If, if that's okay?
Yeah. I mean, that'd be,
that'd be great. Thank you.
All right. Just looking out.
That's a nice looking lady.
Okay, here we go.
Magic time.
Come on.
Magic time.
When I was in college,
I took one of those
career aptitude tests.
You know, answered
a lot of questions
And you know they
said I should be?
A ferry boat captain.
Not a writer.
A ferry boat captain.
I mean, do you like even
have to go to college
to be a ferry boat captain?
Is that something you
could apply for?
I don't know.
What's your script
about, uncle Dean?
It's about falling in love.
But I thought you said
you've never been in love.
That's right.
Then how do you write about it?
Maybe you should fall in love.
Jimmy, that's easy to say, buddy.
But you can't just go out
there and fall in love
like it's something
you can just do.
You ever tried?
No.
Then how do you know?
That's amazing.
So wait, where did
you go to school?
Uh, I went to Berkeley.
Oh, Berkley.
That's a really good school.
- Thank you.
- That was my reach school.
I went to school back east.
Uh, NYU.
Hmm. Not as good, but...
Are you, uh, trying to start
a fire with those things?
Oh, right. I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just a little nervous.
I mean, if it makes you feel
any better, I'm nervous too.
Really? You are?
Of course.
It's all a bit of a game, isn't it.
What is?
Just dating, in general.
I just mean that there
are so many rules
It's like we have to become
these super human people
who always order the right
thing or like the right music
or tell the perfect story.
Or who never have to
go to the bathroom.
Exactly. It's like, we're nervous.
Why can't we go to the bathroom
three or four times on a date?
It's actually why I'm wearing
a catheter right now.
Oh no...
I'm so sorry.
I'm not actually wearing
a catheter right now,
but you see that's a perfect example
of a joke that doesn't work.
It just goes to show you,
you have to watch what you say.
I totally agree with you.
It's all about socially retarded.
Don't you think?
What?
My little sister is retarded.
It's an old make-up factory
that we converted into a loft.
God, that sounds neat.
Yeah. The only real drawback is
that there are no windows or walls.
So you don't have
bedrooms or anything?
We just, we threw up curtains
to divide up the space.
Oh. That must be tough on privacy.
Yeah, well, like my
roommate always says:
If one of us is having sex,
we're all having sex.
Yeah, family is so
important to me.
I agree. I really do.
Well, what's your family like?
Well, my parents are
divorced, but um...
but I have a sister, who is
actually also divorced, um...
I've actually never been
involved in anything
That's like, I, I like to have
sex with one person at a time.
I haven't even really...
I'm waiting 'til I get married.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't laugh.
That's terrible.
But they don't have any kids,
my aunt says that that's like,
would like totally
ruin everything.
I...your sister's a retard?
I'm sorry. That's worse.
That's worse. I should not
have said that, that's...
Wow! That's crazy.
Can't believe you've
never had a boyfriend.
Well, I've never really had
time for a relationship...
because I was molested by...
Dogs. I'm allergic to dogs.
How do you know that's not dog?
I don't eat meat.
I don't do dairy.
I don't swallow.
I've never had an orgasm.
I've frozen my eggs.
Have you ever tried tantra?
Are you staring at my breasts?
My last boyfriend's
penis was too large.
Check, please.
Next stop: Highland Park.
Look over there to
your left, Dean.
Leave me alone.
Come on, dude.
Look to your left.
She could be the one.
Go talk to her, man.
I... and what, look like a psycho?
No, thanks.
Well, maybe you are a psycho.
You ever consider that?
All the time.
Oops, my bad.
Yes, so good!
Feels good!
- Yes. Fuck.
- Don't say anything!
Don't, don't talk. Don't talk.
Yeah, okay now talk. Don't.
No, don't talk.
Don't. Don't talk.
It's coming! It's coming!
Unh!
Hi.
Can I ask you something?
Hang on a sec.
Hello?
Hi. Hi, stranger.
Where have you been?
Yeah, that'd be great!
You're bad!
I can't tell you that right now.
I've got someone here.
Yeah, well, what are you wearing?
Wh... are you?
Oh, you're not going to want
to know what I'm wearing.
Look, Pete. It's for the best
man. You gotta trust me.
She called me a cocksucker.
Damn, kid.
I just can't be with a chick who's
gonna call me a cocksucker.
You shouldn't have to be.
It's not very loving.
No, it's not. I agree.
- What's up, buddy?
- What's up?
Hey, what's going on?
Uh, Beth dumped Pete again.
No. I dumped her.
Well, I'm sorry.
He dumped her.
Why?
Well, Pete's a cocksucker.
Sorry to hear that, Pete.
Why don't you come out
for a drink with us?
Can't do it. Gotta write.
Write later.
Write later?
Dude, you write all the time.
Write later.
I don't want to write later.
I feel like writing right now.
Dude, your friend is in pain.
Whatever. They break up
like three times a month.
Dude, this was the last time.
You see?
That's the last time.
I gotta write.
Wow.
I'm not hearing this.
Look, I'm sorry. I can't
just go out bar hopping
with the guys every time
I feel like it. I have...
there's things that you
might not understand...
Self control.
Discipline.
Will power.
Please don't.
Oh, please do.
What!
Wow!
Yeah!
You're a terrible dancer!
Wow!
Is that? You send...
are you sending me in?
- He's sending me.
- It's been sent.
Those girls are lookin' at me
Wow!
Those girls are lookin' at me
Check me out
Come on, catch that shit.
Those girls are lookin' at me
- Come on.
- Come on!
Yeah!
I fuckin' hate you guys.
I fuckin' hate you too.
Cause I'm a hottie with a body
I'll make them cuties
shake their booties
I turn the dance to believers
I get 'em hot just like a fever
Cause I'm a hottie with a body
I make them cuties
shake their booties
I turn the dance to believers
Be still my groin.
I'm getting some serious E.
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Yeah, I'm gonna do a lap.
Great.
Hey, can I get a whiskey
when you get a chance?
Please?
Hey, need a favor.
She's got a friend.
No. No. Fuck no.
Before you say anything,
she is, she's beautiful.
Okay?
You're gonna like her.
I promise.
How? What?
How do I owe you anything.
I'll owe you. Okay?
Come on.
I would like you to meet
a good friend of mine.
- This is Dean.
- Hi.
- Dean, this is Monique.
- Hi.
- And her friend...
- Jasmine.
Nice to meet you.
Jasmine's a writer, too.
Really? What do you write?
The advice column for Out.
Oh, that's like, a travel
magazine, right?
Actually, it's an alternative
lifestyles publication.
Bro, you see that?
What?
She's giving me E.
Oh yeah?
How do you know?
I can just tell.
It's one of those things.
God, I love being single.
Hmm.
Watch the kid go to work.
Men in LA play so many games.
They're so non-committal.
I just got tired of looking
for a man who could be.
Just be.
This is why I've chosen
to be with women.
She's totally checking me out.
She's coming right there,
watching my every move.
She looks like Beth.
So is what you're doing working?
Oh, you know it is.
You know it is. Try it.
How do I do it?
Just send it out there.
Send it, baby. Send it.
Most men I've dated, I would
classify as penetrators.
I'm not too big on
being penetrated.
Vagina is actually
Latin for sheath.
I just got tired of being
another sheath, you know?
Totally.
Yeah, okay. We're gonna go.
Have fun.
Your friend, for example,
he's a penetrator.
Will you excuse me for a second?
Hey, man. Can I get a
whiskey neat, please?
Thanks.
Keep it.
No way! My God.
Send it, baby.
Send that E. Send it.
Come on. Look at me.
I command you to look at me.
What am I doing?
Oh my gosh.
Just go over there and
talk to her, you lunatic.
Stop talking to yourself.
That would be really smart.
Damn.
Unbelievable!
Nice job, Dean.
What?
On the way back to The
Cave, thank you very much.
Oh, who cares, man?
It's all bullshit anyway.
This endless need to
prove your masculinity.
Divide and conquer.
Ooh, I'm getting serious E.
- What is that?
- It's energy.
I know what it is, Pete.
I'm asking what it really means.
What does it say?
What are we doing here?
I know you're here to hook up, Jay.
I'm just asking what does it
say about the human condition?
The human condition.
What does my wanting to get
laid have anything to do
with the human condition?
I'm just asking questions, man.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
It is no more misguided
than your idiotic quest
to find the one.
You think it's misguided?
It's completely misguided.
Finding the one is a
inherently false concept.
You know, people have this
fairy tale expectation
that sex is no longer
gonna be fucking,
it's gonna be making love.
And you know what?
They will make love for a while
and then they'll just
want to fuck again.
And you know what?
You're gonna think about this.
You're gonna think,
why do I want to fuck
the person that I love?
And then you'll realize
that you never really
loved that person.
Instead, you loved the
idea of being in love
with that person, so that
person was never truly
the one, she was your idea
of what the one should be.
It's a mind fuck.
You're a sad man, Jay.
I'm an honest man.
Pete, help me out here.
I have a test. It's called
The Mud Puddle Test.
Yeah, say I'm walking with
my girl down the street
and she somehow manages
to slip and fall
Somehow manages?
Pete what are you talking about?
No, no, no. I'm serious.
Look, there are two outcomes.
Either she laughs about
it or complains about it.
The good girl's always gonna
laugh about it, right?
But the one, the woman
you're gonna marry,
she's gonna drag you right
into that puddle with her.
See how that works?
Pete, are you like, pushing all
your dates into mud puddles?
No no, idiot. No.
I just imagine what each one
of them would be like in that
situation, based on signs
I've gotten while we were dating.
And Beth?
I don't even know anymore.
What about you, Andre?
Me? I love Anna.
Who's Anna?
She lives in New York.
But I thought that
Rosa was your girl.
No, Anna's his girl girl.
So does Anna sleep
with other people?
No. How do you know?
She's a good girl.
But you do.
I'm a bad boy.
And you love her?
Love is comfort.
At least for me, it's comfort.
It's knowing she'll be
there whenever I need her.
It's like this lighter.
I love this lighter cause I
know it's always gonna work.
So you love Anna like
you love your lighter?
He loves his lighter more.
I need a lighter.
She's the one.
A toast then, to finding the one.
No, no.
A toast to lying,
cheating, stealing,
lying for your friends, cheating
death, and stealing ladies' hearts.
I'll catch you guys later.
What the fuck?
Dean! You all right?
Yeah. I'm just...
Yeah, I'm fine.
Look, if it makes any difference,
I get what you're saying.
You going back to The Cave?
Nah. No.
I know.
Give her my best.
I will.
- Bye, buddy.
- Later.
I, I know that, I know that
you can't look for it, okay?
It's just these women I've
been going out with...
too much baggage.
Or just way too shallow.
Yeah, says the guy looking for
love to finish his screenplay.
Well, maybe I'm writing it
as a subconscious expression
of my need to fall in love.
You ever think about that?
Well, you're wrong. You
gotta look for the signs.
Like the small miracles.
The weird coincidences.
The deja-vus.
The stuff that turns you off.
The stuff that makes you tingle.
Like seeing the same woman over and
over again every time you go out?
Exactly.
Or that you had a boyfriend
that you discovered
went to the same
summer camp as you,
except you guys never
ran into each other.
Did that happen to you?
No.
Wouldn't that be cool though?
Yeah, it'd be awesome.
Yeah.
I wish I went to summer camp.
Me too.
I just can't believe you
find Shaun White attractive.
- The flying tomato...
- I just think if someone has,
I think if someone has
longer hair than you,
- Oh!
- Oh! Are you okay?
- Oh!
- You okay?
You're such an asshole.
What? It was a sign.
- Yeah. Mock me if you must.
- Oh, I must.
You buy flower for girl?
Uh, no. No girl...
This girl...
No! No. Not, not girl.
Not girl? Boy?
No, no. I'm not, I'm not his girl.
- We're just friends.
- Yeah, we're friends.
Ah! Girlfriend!
Yeah, look, man.
You buy?
Here. Okay.
Here. Take these.
No. Flowers bad karma.
Huh uh.
What? Take them. Please.
Because. For dealing with
my crap. Just take them.
I mean it.
Thank you so much.
Contact.
Other one's getting
a little jealous.
What?
You made me miss my cab!
You made yourself miss your cab.
What are you taking about?
Don't flatter yourself.
Kissing you was like
kissing my brother.
Really? Kissing you was
like kissing my mother.
Kissing you is like kissing
my grandfather and he's dead.
- Well you know what?
- Huh?
Kissing you is
completely forgettable.
Forgettable?
Completely.
Shit.
Wakey Wakey.
What? What is it?
Mmm. Eviction notice.
What? For what?
Excessive partying.
Morning, sweetheart.
What the fuck?
Here we go, guys.
Sunny four bedroom loft.
High ceilings.
Exposed brick.
Eat-in kitchen.
Washer dryer.
Private fucking elevator.
What? Yo, yo.
That's the one, kid.
Yeah, but how much is it?
It's $10,000. Fuck me!
Can I get a Jack and Coke?
Oh, we're getting
booted from The Cave.
Well, that sucks.
That is a very good point,
but you see, the thing is,
I don't know what to say to her.
Oh, yeah. I like her, too.
I do. But do I like her?
And if I do like her, is it
because I really like her
or because I'm just trying
to write my script?
Wow. Am I that shallow?
Maybe I am, but I kissed her.
And I liked it.
So I must like her, right?
I like her.
Yeah, that's good.
I like her too.
You should tell her you like her.
Really? You think
that's a good idea?
Duh.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Where're you going?
Yeah, it's empty in there.
I got off early.
Oh, okay. Can I talk
to you for a sec?
Look, can you talk to me
while I'm walking to my car?
It's actually kinda complicated.
Okay, um, then how about
I'll call you when I have
a second to actually talk.
That okay?
- Uh yeah. Okay.
- All right?
Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.
Feel you creepin' in
Breakin' my heart again
I don't know who I've been
Feels like I'm losing it
Oh, oh, oh
Shit.
Hey, Tess! Tess! Hey! Hey!
You can have Los Angeles,
Just give me back my girl
Feels like I'm losing you
Like I'm being torn in two
After all that
we've been through
Is there nothing
that I could do
Oh, oh, oh
You can have Los Angeles
Tess! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Hey! Hey! Tess!
Dammit!
Just give me back my girl
Hey, can you follow
that car, please?
Give me back my girl
You can have the basin
Just give me back my girl
Hey, my man. Get out here?
Oh, uh. No It's actually just
a couple more blocks up.
Hello and welcome back
to Here Comes the Bride.
Yes, it's the big one.
- You're home?
- Yeah. Keen observation.
No, I just thought.
I don't know. You'd be out.
So what are you guys up to?
We just came from having
cocktails, which reminds me.
Gotta take a leak, if
you pardon my French.
Didn't know you were bilingual.
I have many talents, lady.
Who will be the lucky
man to marry her?
And whisk her away to Cabo
for a one week honeymoon?
It's our show.
Yeah, our show.
So what'd you want
to talk to me about?
What do you mean?
Earlier you wanted to talk to me.
Oh, right. Yeah. I uh...
have you ever worked
behind the bar before?
Few times. Why?
I was just wandering if you
could take one of my shifts.
I'm like, totally overloaded
with this whole writing thing
Really? That's it?
Yeah.
Uh huh. Okay.
I'll talk to Sid and see if
everything's okay with that.
I'm sure it will be fine.
- Great.
- Great.
Great.
So what do you think?
About what?
We just had our first date.
No way! You two?
Yes, and it went
quite well, I think.
Yeah, you got my attention.
Hmm. So? How about it?
My two best friends
getting together?
What more could a guy ask for?
Beautiful!
Great.
Totally.
So...
don't you have that thing tonight?
Right. Yes. My thing.
That thing. I gotta...
Hey, you don't wanna be late.
Yeah, I will see you guys,
I'll catch up with you...
Yeah. Good luck with that.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, good luck.
Remember that Latino
girl I used to date?
- You mean Alicia?
- Yeah. That's the one.
You know, I took her to one
of those rooftop joints once?
Yeah man. Did the three D's:
drinks, dinner, dancing.
That kind of thing.
Anyway, picture this:
midnight rolls along and we
stroll out onto the deck
and there was this gigantic
moon that just sort of
hung right over the city,
lit up the entire sky.
And there was this gentle breeze that
kept lifting her hair. It was perfect.
This is perfect.
And let me guess? She
gave you the old blow job
right then and there on the deck?
No, man.
It wasn't about that.
It was just a moment.
You know? A perfect moment.
Everything about the evening,
everything around us
was perfect. I knew it.
She knew it. And at that
moment, just for one moment,
I thought I loved her.
Did you tell her this?
Nah. Nah. Nah.
I didn't tell her.
- Why not?
- I couldn't.
Because the moment passed
as quickly as it came
and I realized I don't love the girl.
I love the moment.
See for me, it was
always about the moment.
Well, until I met Anna.
Do you not have perfect
moments with Anna?
Nah. See with Anna, I never even
thought about perfect moments.
Never even tried to look for 'em.
Then I got to thinking about
that and I realized that
every moment I had
with Anna was perfect
because I loved her
and I realized that love is the
perfect moment that never ends.
So why aren't you
with her now, man?
Ah, she's in, she's in, she's
in New York and I moved to LA.
Yeah, but your perfect
moment... it's out there.
It's waiting on you, kid.
Yeah.
Good cop, bad cop.
Who's the good cop?
You are, kid.
What's up?
Yeah. You.
Look, I'm just gonna come
right out and say it,
you are one sexy biznitch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, is everything okay here?
Yeah, just talking
to the lady, yo.
Is this guy bothering you?
Hey! Don't make me get
rough with you, buddy.
Listen, mother fucker.
If I have to...
I get it.
Good cop. Bad cop.
Oh. Wha...
Thank you.
Yeah, I will see you at home.
Wow. I am so embarrassed.
And I'm Kat.
I don't know. I just feel
really comfortable around you,
like already. Like I could
just tell you anything.
So I'm just going to
come right out with it.
I sort of went through
this experimental phase.
What? Like a drug thing?
No, like a sex thing.
Oh, like you had a lot of sex?
Uh, mostly submissive
masochistic stuff.
You know, like spankings,
whippings, little bondage.
It was, it was just
this really crazy phase
that I went through
not that long ago.
Oh God. Is this too much
for you? I'm sorry,
I always do this. I always
reveal too much too soon.
No. No. No. No.
I totally get it.
It's like, how much are
you willing to reveal?
And how soon do you
finally reveal yourself?
Like how long do you have to
play the part of the person
And when do you finally
settle into playing the part
of the person who you really are.
I like that.
No.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna ride you.
Can I just say something?
No.
Uh, I like you.
I mean, I don't want you
to think I'm like psycho
or anything, but I can tell
that there's something here.
You know? And of course I wanna do
what I think we're gonna do, but...
if we do do it...
Quit talking.
Okay. If we do do it.
Will there even be
a date number two?
I don't know. Do we call
this date number one?
I don't know what do you think?
I mean, what do you,
what do you think?
Kat?
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Dean.
Remember?
From last night?
Are you receding?
"Didn't want to wake you up.
Make sure to lock the door
when you leave. Kat."
No. No. No.
Fucking no.
What? What's wrong?
It's just that Jake seems self-indulgent
and I'm not buying his new relationship
Really? Because I feel
like it's going...
Why not have Jake
take his own life?
Excuse me?
Yeah!
Have him blow is brains out.
Yeah, or jump off a tall building.
I've got it. Suicide, man!
I love it.
Never really ever does
ever fall in love.
Instead his journey
is to come to terms
with his wretched
inescapable loneliness
which in turn leads to his suicide,
transforming him into a
classically tragic figure.
What do you think about that?
What do you think about this?
Don't take it personally
that your writing's shit.
I thought the beginning
was all right.
Fuck you.
You sure you're ready to do this?
I've been ready for two weeks.
We've only been dating for three.
I know. I know and trust me,
I, I want to do it so badly,
but everything will
change, you know?
- It's just that...
- It's sex, Dean.
We're adults.
Look, I like you and I want to be with you.
I don't see why things should change.
You like me?
Yeah. I do.
Well, then I think we
should probably wait.
You know, fine. Whatever.
You ruined the moment anyways.
Up to this point, she's in the moment
and I am definitely in the moment.
You know, this is
Romeo and Juliet.
That's pretty challenging material,
so I am prepared for the worst.
Drunk all and left no friendly
drop to help me after.
I will kiss thy lips.
Haply some poison yet
doth hang on them.
And she starts kissing me.
But I mean,
for like a prolonged
period of time.
I mean, like this chick
is really enjoying it.
Or maybe she was just
trying to get the poison?
Yeah, out of my kidneys, maybe?
I look to the first watchmen
and I'm like, telepathically
just begging him to say his line.
Lead, boy! Which way?
Which he does, thank God.
Yea, noise?
Then I'll be brief.
Except for this chick doesn't
know what her last line is.
So we're just sitting there.
In silence.
I realize, fuck, I'm gonna have
to tell this girl her next line.
O happy dagger.
Luckily, she figures out
what I'm trying to say.
She grabs the dagger and
says, O happy dagger!
This is my sheath;
there rust, and let me die.
Stabs herself and collapses
on top of me. Dead.
Thank God.
I would have, except for
while she's on top of me,
she suddenly starts
reaching for my dagger?
Yeah, she's like giving me
the covert rub and tug
and I'm like please end
this fucking play.
But as it continues, I hear
the audience start to laugh.
I'm like, what the fuck
are they laughing at?
Why don't you tell them the
one about the Indian girl?
What?
Come on. The alley.
The rooftop. The hard candy.
You remember? Or what about
the post office story?
You know, the time you got the
two stamps from that girl
you banged or what about the
twins that you hooked up
What? I'm just saying.
What's the big deal?
So you got a blow job
from some indian chick.
Okay, you know what?
Excuse me.
What the fuck is your problem?
Wait a minute. Wait. Wait,
now who got a blow job?
Tess, would you wait a second?
Why, Dean? What the hell
was that back there?
I don't know. I just...
You just what?
Do you have nothing to say to me?
Nothing?
Whatcha working on?
Uh, just tossing
around a new idea.
Feel like tossing me around?
Yeah, yeah you do.
Okay, so now that
you've met all three
of your potential grooms,
it's time to make
the biggest decision of your life.
So will it be groom one?
The former Olympian.
Or will it be groom two?
The multi-millionaire.
Or will it be groom three.
The self proclaimed geek
with thinning hair.
Well, I've given it
some actual thought
and I would like to spend the rest
of my life with groom number three.
- No way!
- Holy shit!
Why'd she pick the dork?
Guy's a fucking toolbox.
These, ah, these parts, is...
where's this thing?
Ah, these talks with the
subway conductor were,
- I found...
- Weird, I know.
Inspired, I thought.
This is good stuff.
Stuff with the hair
and the business
with the roommates is funny.
I think you have a good solid
understanding of the craft.
You got a style. A voice.
I like that.
It's a voice I'm interested in.
It's a voice that
almost rings true.
What do you mean?
Well, this is supposed to
be a story about a guy
who falls in love, right?
Jiminy crickets! If I'm
gonna drop my twelve bucks
on a ticket, I should get,
I mean, I deserve to at least
see him fall in love, no?
Well, uh, yeah, it's... you do.
It's in there.
Oh, I must have missed that.
It's... yeah, it's subtle.
Why don't you point it out for me?
Give me a call when
you find it, kid.
Fuck!
Next stop: Union Station.
Look, I love her, Pete. I do.
But she's making you
miserable, my friend.
I know.
Maybe it's time for someone new.
Yeah, I hear ya.
Hey. We should have
a party this weekend.
Last party in The Cave.
Huh? Come on, man.
What do you say?
And do I invite Beth?
Invite Beth.
By all means, invite Beth.
Have a good time with
her if possible,
but just do me a favor, okay?
Take a look around and
see if anything sparks
your interest, you know?
Hey.
Hey I can't quite exactly
tell you what I was thinking
and I know you think
I sold you out
and I'm not worth a shit.
And you know what?
You're probably right
in thinking that.
I just came here to let
you know that I know
I was wrong and I'm sorry.
I really am.
And I guess that's
all I had to say.
You up for a party?
One last hurrah in The Cave?
Hug me.
What's wrong?
I look like hell.
- Hey, beauty.
- Hi.
You know anybody here?
Nope.
Wanna dance?
Yes, please.
Baby.
You guys look so great together.
Thank you.
Um, almost two years.
It's so weird how quickly it
all goes by. Right baby?
- So weird. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Flies by.
I'm sorry. I always do this.
You know my, my therapist,
she says that, uh...
large social gatherings
bring out my insecurities
or something crazy like that.
Oh, you're in therapy?
Yeah, is that a problem?
Oh no. I just had no idea
you were in therapy.
Can you stop saying it like that?
Like what?
Like all judgey?
Who's judgey?
I'm not judgey.
You totally are.
I can see it in your eyes.
No, I'm not.
You are!
Maybe you should get
some therapy to deal
with your insecurity
about being in therapy?
Hmm, maybe you should
fuck yourself.
Excuse me?
Baby, I'm sorry.
That, oh, that wasn't me.
I'm so sorry. Come here,
please. I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's fine.
What was that?
Just a pill.
For our anniversary, we were
thinking Cabo or maybe Hawaii.
It really doesn't matter
as long as it's tropical.
And he can golf.
Love golf.
Where are you going?
Uh, I was just going
to let you rest.
But I don't need rest.
And we can start the whole
night over. Okay?
We'll do anything you want.
Can we leave?
Sure.
What? Oh my God!
That's so wonderful!
Isn't that great, baby?
Congratulations.
Shit.
Beth! Beth!
Andre!
Anna?
Who's this?
Uh, his girl.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Anna. His girl.
Anna! Anna! Wait!
Shit, wait!
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm gonna go grab a drink.
Okay?
And when I get back, just...
Okay?
I'm sorry.
E.
I gotta go.
Yeah, so do I.
Hey, you ready?
Are you?
Yeah, let's roll.
All right.
Huh. Where're they going?
I don't know where they're going.
Let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
Uh...
Did I, uh, did I ever tell you
about the time in college
when I was with twins?
You know, I mean, it was
weird because, I mean,
one of them had these just
really beautiful tits
and you know, the other,
she was flat as a pancake.
Which made me wonder,
I mean, were they identical
or fraternal twins because
I mean, yeah, sure they had
very similar faces,
but their breasts
were completely different sizes.
Thanks, Jay.
Go get him.
I'm an idiot.
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, no. I'm fine.
Anna, wait.
Anna! Anna! Anna!
Wait wait wait.
Andre, stop.
I don't want to hear it, okay?
- Just listen for one second.
- Stop.
Anna.
- LAX, please.
- Anna, don't.
Don't do this.
LAX?
Hi.
Beth.
Let go.
Please just stop.
You are hurting me.
Oh my!
Here!
Oh my God!
Dean.
Yeah?
I love you.
Next stop: Union Station
You hear that voice, Dean?
What voice?
The voice in your head.
You mean you?
Exactly and what am
I telling you to do?
Hey, guys?
Tess, I need to speak with you.
Shit.
No. Stop.
Dude.
Hey, I need to speak
with Tess for a second.
That's great. Not here.
She's not?
Is he joining us?
Oh, thank God.
It frightens him.
Hi.
So.
So I take it things didn't
go so hot for you and Jay?
Looks that way.
How about you and Kat?
Oh, you know.
She told me she loved me.
And what'd you say?
I said thanks.
Thanks?
Thanks.
No thanks.
Yeah, I don't know.
She just wasn't the one.
Too many issues, you know?
You or her?
What? I don't have issues.
Are you on crack?
Not at the moment.
First of all, you're self-abusive.
What? Like in what way?
Like in the way you
love being miserable.
I don't think that's accurate.
Okay. You know, just keep living
in your fantasy world, Dean.
As if you don't have issues?
Miss look for the signs?
Ooh, God. Look! The signs!
They're there.
I never said I didn't.
So you don't deny it?
No. I don't deny it.
So you're saying you have issues?
Have I told you how much I hate you?
You don't hate me.
No, really. I do.
You really hate me?
No, Dean.
I don't hate you.
Taxi!
That's my ride.
Okay. Goodnight then.
And well played.
Hey! Are those fresh?
Go get her, you idiot.
No no no no.
Dammit.
Fuck.
What is this asshole doing?
What are you talking about?
Um, I'm gonna.
I wanna get out here, okay?
Here you go. Thank you.
Here. For dealing with my crap.
I'll take 'em.
I love you so much.
True story?
Just a story.
Ice cream!
What the fuck are you gonna do?
I will fucking hump you right now.
Oh my God!
You think Jay is gonna be okay?
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I have to warn you.
I kinda went through
an experimental phase.
No way. Me too.
Yeah, he'll be fine.
All right. Got everything?
Yeah. Definitely.
Yeah, you know, here's the
thing about masturbation.
It is like a cookie, because
at first you like it,
then you regret it, and
kind of get a little farty.
Seriously?
We're still filming this?
Kie kissing my bro.
- Cause he is dead!
- And he is dead!
Woo!
Yep. It's that time.
Oh!
Really?
She's making you
miserable, my friend.
I know.
Guys, Kenny is schvitzing like
a "schvintagoyd" over here.
I'll do the crotch
adjustment this time, sir.
I don't know if we'll
unless you really...
Oh, you'll see it.
Oh! Ow!
First of all, I just clocked you.
Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- Okay.
Ah! I'm so close!
I want a big one!
I want a really big one!
Don't look at anything!
Don't... say something!
Say something!
Don't say anything!
Don't say anything!
Oh, where's the light.
I see the light!
The tingles are coming!
Feel free to use that
in your script, son.
Who wants a drink?
Sweetheart, oh God,
you look lonely.
Cut!
Guess what no is in Spanish?
What?
No!
Don't say anything!
Don't say anything!
Stop moving your head!
Stop it! Okay!
Vroom! Vroom!
- He won!
- Uh huh.
Look at the guy that won!
Cut!
Okay!
Action!
You're...
What's the first line?
- Move over.
- Well, I just...
We could still like do other stuff.
No, no! There's...
And, cut!
Fuck you, Stan! It's like
Do do do do do do...
Cut!
Please make me stop.
Get out of it! Get out of it!
Roll off!
What?
Roll it off.
Oh, oh.
Jesus.
And that's a wrap!
Cut.