Listen up! Kevin, you're
playing the number five position!
It means you set the back pick
on the box on the weak side for Tom!
Cary, you're gonna catch the ball
at the foul line and then pivot.
Pivot into the triple threat position,
bounce pass to Tom
at the top of the key.
Then you backdoor, OK?
You go backdoor towards the basket
for the lay-up.
Are there any questions? What?
Can we go on the trampoline,
Mr O'Hara?
Yeah. No flips on the trampoline.
Thank your friend
Billy Williams for that.
He sued the school after hurting
his neck, ruining it for everyone.
- What?
- Are you all right, Mr O'Hara?
- You look worried.
- Well, Josh, I am a little worried.
My Celtics are playing a very
important basketball game tonight.
I want them to win.
But you say the most important thing
is they try their hardest
and have fun.
No...no.
The most important thing is
that they win.
I mean,
we're not talking about kickball
where there's nothing at stake.
We're talking about
the National Basketball
Association. They have to win.
You understand? They're tearing down
the Boston Garden
at the end of this season,
so this is their last chance at glory.
They will not lose because I won't
let them lose! You understand?
Don't cry.
Don't cry. I was just being silly.
Why don't you go jump
on the trampoline? You'll feel better.
You don't even have
to stand in line. Hey!
Josh doesn't have to
stand in line, everybody!
That's not fair!
- Hey, Mike.
- Hey, Carol. What's up?
Got a minute?
I'm sorry I've been acting
like such a jerk.
We are in the middle
of the NBA finals.
- You know I can get a little crazy.
- I know.
But I've been hearing that
for 1 5 years.
In the 80s, when the Celtics
won the championship,
you were a joy to be with.
I can't stand seeing you
in a good mood when they win
and a bad mood when they lose.
- I won't let Celtics run my life.
- How d'you think I feel?
Mike. These are divorce papers.
I have them
from the last time we split up.
- You saved them?
- Yes!
And the only reason I haven't signed
them is because I feel bad for you.
I spoke with my therapist.
I know that part of this obsession
comes from you never
having made it as a player.
Your dream died,
so you live it through the Celtics.
It's time to move on,
it's time to get a new dream.
My dream is dead.
Squashed like a squirrel on the
highway. Thank you for the update.
Screw you. I was trying to be nice.
But you are hopeless.
I know I'm hopeless.
'Cause my dream is dead!
Hey, kids, listen up!
My dream is dead! OK?
- You are sick.
- I know I'm sick.
I am sick and tired of you
and your therapist
taking something pure
and twisting it around!
I love the Celtics!
OK, I said it! I am not ashamed of it!
I love the Celtics!
Bounce!
I am not a hero.
A hero fights against injustice.
A hero sacrifices for the good of man.
He unites, uplifts and inspires.
I am not a hero. It's my house.
I don't wanna raise your kids.
I don't even like kids.
Yeah, yeah.
That's really nice of you, douche bag.
My Celts are going to give you the
beating of your life tomorrow night.
OK, Bruins. Just one in the net!
That's all I'm asking.
Neely, come on, man! No!
No, no, no, no.
Everybody, just stay calm.
Let them do what they do.
Let the other goalie...
That net was wide open!
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
Just taking a little breakski.
Watching the game here.
- So my toilet still isn't fixed?
- Oh, you gotta go?
Can you hold it five more minutes?
Neely's gonna pull it out.
- Fix my toilet.
- OK.
Plunger.
Grandma?
Are you watching the Bruins game?
Yes, Peanut.
- Can you put the phone by the TV?
- "No problem. Hold on a second."
- Dad, what happened?
- Tommy.
There was a time in this country
when sports were revered.
But people today...
Their values are all out of whack.
Your mom and I are getting divorced.
See you, Tommy.
Bye, Dad.
See you, Dad!
- Hi, darling.
- Hi.
Tomorrow's gonna
be the greatest day of my life.
We'll be celebrating the first
Celtics' championship of the 90s.
- Excited?
- Yeah.
You only finished one order of ribs.
What's going on with you, anyway?
- Carol and I split up again.
- Really?
Yes. What are you smiling about?
Last time you broke up,
the Celtics won the championship.
That thought crossed my mind.
- Good evening, sir. Ma'am.
- Kevin.
Shouldn't you be planting evidence
on somebody this time of night?
I already did that. Celtics are gonna
blow out Utah tomorrow.
I hope so. Scott's taking 50 shots
a game. If he's hot, we're in trouble.
"If he's hot... " Three weeks
of college ball and he's an expert.
He led Boston in rebounds and assists
in his senior year of high school.
You were brutally defeated
in the 1 9 73 State Wrestling
Tournament by a blind guy.
Not brutally. I held back.
I didn't want to hurt the poor kid.
- He pinned you in 8.2 seconds.
- Where do you store all this memory?
I mean, how do you..?
It was more like 1 2 seconds, anyway.
Mark! Turn on the tube. Help me out.
On Tuesday night, the Celtics
defeated Utah Jazz with 1 06-94.
Worse, Scott was fined $ 1 0,000
for missing yesterday's practice.
He had this to say
about Tuesday's game.
I'm sorry, OK?
I've had back problems from carrying
this sorry excuse for a team.
- Talk about your textbook A-hole.
- Blaming the team, right?
Lewis Scott has gone A WOL. Suddenly,
Dennis Rodman doesn't seem so bad.
Here we go, Celtics, here we go!
Here we go, Celtics, here we go!
Hey, Ed, here we go!
Cindy!
Here we go!
Here we go! Here we go!
- How are you doing?
- Spent the whole morning on the bowl.
Always a good sign.
Just the way you like it, Jimmy.
I've even toasted the bun.
- How? There's no toaster here.
- I used my curling iron.
- Thanks, Suzy.
- It's on the house, Jimmy.
- Oh, Suzy the hot-dog girl!
- Don't start!
Hey, beer!
- Shall we begin?
- Indeed, sir.
Go home, Jazz! It's over!
-Jazz music sucks and so do you!
- You suck.
Why don't you go back to Utah
and get yourself a few more wives!
If Lewis Scott ever let you take
a shot, you'd wet your frigging pants!
Why don't you join the Mormon Choir,
Donny and Marie-loving freaks!
- You're in Bean Town now, baby.
- Bean Town!
- Bean Town!
- I hate fans.
Hey, Scott! I hear Manute Bol
was banging your mom!
- Manute Bol! Your mom!
- Oh, that's witty, whitey.
You guys suck so bad that
Nike should take your shoes away!
- How'd I do?
- Good one with the shoes.
I thought of that one last night.
- This is an even game, isn't it?
- It's an even game! God!
Oh, that was close.
All right. Here we go!
Good evening. I'm Marv Albert along
with Bill Walton at Boston Garden
getting ready for game six
of the NBA world championship
and what could be the final game
here at the Boston Garden,
before it's going down.
All right, gentlemen, this is it.
Let's play the game
that got us here, all right?
Pass the ball around, keep it moving.
Grab some big, fat defence.
- That's all we need to do.
- One other thing.
- Keep feeding me the rock.
- Thanks for the pep talk, asshole.
Come on, let's do it.
One, two, three, Jazz.
Hey, Coach Kimball!
You'd better do what Lewis Scott says,
'cause he owns your ass!
- Why don't you shut up!
- Why don't you learn to coach!
Come on, buddy.
Come and get me!
He's not worth it!
Go!
OK, here we go.
Good luck, guys.
All right, work it down now.
Go!
Hustle back on "D"!
Heads up, right side!
Defence! Defence!
Charge!
Beautiful, Celts!
Let's go!
Watch it, ref!
- Yeah, Kirby!
- Back on "D"!
- Sorry, chief.
- Hey, ref!
- That was a foul.
- No way.
- Good call. No blood, no foul.
- Quit whining and take your Midol!
Spread out! Number 3!
Yeah!
- Why don't you try passing the ball?
- Worry about your own game.
Lewis, I think he's right.
What a dick!
Celts, Celts, Celts, Celts!
I love the Celtics!
What do you want, punk?
Utah sucks, Utah sucks,
Utah sucks, Utah sucks!
- A new Celtics dynasty is beginning.
- They're gonna do it.
It's going to feel so good to deny
Lewis Scott the championship.
He'll never win it.
Chris McCarthy! Where have you been?
I got married. I'm up in New York.
Haven't seen you since '86,
when Buckner had that mishap.
Hey, not my fault.
- What are you doing?
- I came for the game.
- I got a ticket. 300 from a scalper.
- You're hard core.
Hey, good to see you.
- You guys want to go to Doyle's?
- See you there.
Chris McCarthy!
- You still on that Buckner thing?
- Yeah. Chris McCarthy!
- Hey, fellas.
- Hey!
One, two, Jazz!
Here we go!
- There it is.
- You can't stop me!
Come on!
Good thing they're tearing this place
down, 'cause I'm wrecking your house.
No!
- I'm on fire!
- Time-out, ref.
What just happened?
They were on fire.
Then something changed.
Yeah. What changed since first half?
Hey, guys.
- I think you should go, Chris.
- What are you talking about?
Celtics were up by 1 8,
and now they're only up by 2!
- So what?
- You're the bad luck guy.
- You're not gonna lay this one on me.
- Seriously. See you tomorrow.
- I mean it! Get out of here, now!
- Not going.
Give it.
- Are you happy now?
- Hit the road!
I paid 300 bucks for this ticket.
That's a frigging car payment!
- The nerve of that guy.
- You're telling me.
- It's over. He's gone now.
- The virus has been destroyed.
Bing! Gotcha!
Maybe your lucky seat is my
lucky seat for the second half.
So by sitting in this seat
I'm helping the Jazz? Switch!
Maybe you two should switch.
- The Celts are getting killed, Mikey.
- They've got to work it to the post.
Kiss my ass, Boston!
Switch, switch!
Switch, switch!
Everybody, this is not working.
It was a bad idea!
Back to your seats! Now!
Defence!
Get Scott!
No!
They didn't use enough time.
Why didn't they listen to me?
How hard can it be?
- Lewis! I'm going to Disneyland!
- Good.
I can't believe
it's going seven games.
Well, it could be worse.
It's not like we're boat people
out in the Bermuda Triangle
in a leaky raft dying of thirst.
I wish I was a boat person!
Their team didn't lose.
- They're happy! They're on a boat.
- In the sun.
Maybe I shouldn't.
I'm starting to see double.
- Flaherty Plumbing.
- It's Patty and Timmy.
You won't believe who's in here.
Lewis Scott!
- What? You're pulling my chain.
- He just left us a $ 1 00 tip.
- "And he's dancing. What an asshole!"
- Thanks.
Timmy and Patty are bar keeping
at the Roxy. Guess who just walked in?
- Who?
- Lewis Scott.
They said he's dancing.
He's dancing!
I mean, he's throwing it in our face!
- The nerve of that guy.
- You're telling me.
I'm wearing Jack Nicklaus's jacket!
He got it for winning his first Masters,
so don't get cranberry on it.
- Are you sure he's here?
- Timmy and Patty swear he is.
There he is.
- What a dick.
- Come on.
This is stupid.
What are we doing here?
I just want to look him in the eye.
Cover me. I'm going in.
Cover you?
You're covered. Oh, boy.
They were singin'and movin'
to the groovin'
Play that funky music, white boy
Play that funky music right
- So?
- I looked into the face of the Devil.
- And I feel stronger for it.
- Good. I'm proud of you.
I can't believe this guy is trying to
take my championship away from me!
Money for nothing
and chicks for free, right?
- Something's got to be done.
- There's nothing to do.
What if we got him completely wrecked
so he was too hung over to play well.
- We could do that.
- Nobody could do it better.
He'd be wasted for a week!
So let's do it.
Are you serious? You really want
to do it? Because I will do it.
Let's mess him up.
- Tell him we're his biggest fans.
- Hey, Lewis Scott!
- I'm your biggest fan! How are you?
- Don't I know you?
- I saw the game. You were great.
- Yeah, I guess I was.
- You're the dude on the dance floor.
- Scott, you son of a bitch.
The Celtics are going
to hand you your ass on Sunday.
Your whole team hates you,
and so do I.
Really? Well, look at this here.
She loves me. So does my banker.
Go vomit so you can feel better
about yourself.
You're just a selfish ball hog, and...
Hey, moron! The reason why he's
a selfish ball hog is because...
..he's the greatest player in the NBA.
I'm gonna beat your ass just like
Utah's going to beat the Celtics.
- Where are you from?
- Charlestown. Get out of here.
Traitor! Back-stabber!
- I'm going to throw up.
- I appreciate that, man.
It takes courage
to speak the truth in this town.
He wouldn't have said it if he
didn't mean it. You're the greatest.
- You guys are well-educated fans.
- We want to buy you a drink!
No, no, no, Lewis Scott is
going to buy you two a drink.
Another beer,
and my new friends here will have...
A scotch soda!
Schnapps and a scotch.
Make mine a vodka.
- This is a great party.
- It's great here!
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Good game tonight, Lewis.
- What's up, old timer?
Wish you was out there.
I'd take you to school.
You must love living
in that fantasy world.
- What are you up to?
- Having dinner with friends.
- Really? This is...
- I'm Larry Bird. How are you?
- I mean Mike O'Hara.
- And...
-Jimmy Flaherty.
- They're an endangered species here.
Two white Irish guys who hate
the Celtics, ain't that right, guys?
- Er...
- No...
We loved the Celtics, when you played
for them. You were the master.
But I guess for the Celtics, the
leprechauns have left the building.
Fans like you make me sick.
You love us when we win
and hate us when we lose.
It's pathetic. You should learn
something about loyalty.
Fans like these, you can have 'em.
Who needs his lanky ass anyway?
- He was overrated as a player.
- Yeah, he wasn't really that great.
- Yeah, he sucked.
- Sucked.
- Where are our drinks?
- Right away.
We were at the game
when Seton Hall beat Boston College.
- Get out of here.
- We were there.
You pulled a triple-double, 42 points,
- It was a bad day for me.
- Kicked our ass.
- That's Lewis Scott, the ass-kicker.
- I've still got the ticket.
Here's to you. Oh, boy.
There you go!
Keep 'em coming!
- Get it down!
- Right down there!
Let's play "invent-a-drink".
The first drink
I'm going to make is called...
Lewis Scott!
-Jimmy's got one.
- This one is called "Jimmy's dick".
It's short...fat...
But it fills the gap.
This one is called
"The Boston Celtics".
- It's weak, 'cause it's white.
- That's funny.
For the ladies,
always the added touch.
That's it. Drink it all up!
The night's not over. I know this
after-hours bar we can take him to.
No, no. I couldn't.
I gotta go to practice in the morning.
I'd love to stay and throw up.
But I got to beat
these sons of bitches.
Hear that, Boston?
I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Lightweight.
- He can't even hold his liquor.
Let's get him a cab.
I'm not a hero, I'm a plumber.
If your septic tank is backing up,
your hot water takes a leak,
your air cooler won't work,
well, call me.
Because I am not a hero.
I am a plumber.
Plumber...
Oh, God! Jimmy!
Lewis Scott's in the bed!
- How did he get there?
- I blanked out. What happened?
We must've done it when he passed out.
We kidnapped him.
I did not kidnap anybody!
Scott is duct-taped in my bed
and I don't think he did it himself.
- You wanted to look him in the eye!
- No more hard liquor for me!
- Look, we got to get him out of here.
- I agree.
But first, we have to do something.
- He's gotta wear a hat or something.
- We gotta go!
Put a Celtics hat on the guy.
- Did you call his room again?
- Five minutes ago. He's not there.
Wait five minutes and then call again!
Oh, man!
Wait till the boys see this!
Seventh game of the finals
and he ditches practice!
Grant Hill would have gone to church
and come to practice early.
Watch his head.
We don't need Scott.
Bench him and teach him a lesson.
Yeah. I'll bench my high scorer.
Our fans won't want me too dead.
We just got to get him outside. Then
he can go where the hell he wants.
-Jeez. He's coming to.
-Just relax and enjoy the ride!
FrereJacques, frereJacques
dormez vous
Hey, let go of me!
Sonnez les matines
Sonnez les matines
Let go of me!
You're the two guys at the club.
- Relax. He doesn't know our names.
-Jimmy Flaherty and Mike O'Hara.
Jimmy, where are you going?
Don't make me hurt you.
- You'd better untie me right now!
- That's it! You want some of this?
Jimmy!
Hold it right there, ball hog!
Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun.
Smile for the barrel. All right.
- Get upstairs, now!
- Watch yourself.
Yo, Coach! I'll play. Just give me
a chance. I can handle the rock.
I'll call you if I need you.
Don't dog me, Coach.
I've got the bad crap.
I'll tell you what. You take the bad
crap and this basketball,
and do the drills! Now!
-"Bad crap".
- I'll call again.
I didn't know you even had a gun.
It's a Russian TOZ-35. Skanaker won
the gold in the '72 Olympics with it.
I traded my Gordie Howe skates for it.
What is this?
I thought you two were Utah fans.
Yeah, right.
Is this racism? A backlash
from the O.J. Simpson verdict?
Racism? If the Sox were
in the pennant race with the Orioles,
we'd tie up Cal Ripkin Jr. He's white.
Then why don't you
go get his white ass?
We need time to figure this out. Why
don't you get us some coffee and food?
Yeah, OK. I'll get some bananas
and make banana pancakes.
Some eggs, sausages and bacon
and make a Spanish omelette.
We could go Italian, Chinese, Greek.
I know a great Dutch place...
We're not having a party!
Get some coffee and food!
- We want to make it nice for him.
- I'll get it myself.
Who are you, man?
Some bitter ex-high school player
who never really made it?
You sit watching sports, criticizing
athletes 'cause you wish it was you.
You are so far off...
..it's sad.
Watch his ass!
- You let him talk to you like that?
- What do you mean?
He's so condescending.
"Watch his ass!"
- You're under arrest!
- Hi, Kev.
Hi, Mike. What's up?
Scared you, didn't I?
What's new, man?
New?
Officer, I'm the guy
who had his car stolen.
Stand by where your car was stolen
and I'll be right there.
- Big game tomorrow.
- The Celtics have to win.
- I wanted to ask you something...
- What about my fucking car?
- That Porsche was two months old!
- We do our best. I truly am sorry.
I realise without that nice car
you have no chance of getting laid.
That's a real tragedy. Now step back!
I'll be with you in a moment.
He talks to you like you're
his little bitch or something.
I wouldn't be surprised if he comes
back with some hot pants for you.
You know, I was thinking...
Lewis Scott is killing us.
I hate that guy.
You know what someone should do?
Someone should grab Lewis Scott,
tie him up and hold him till after
we finish that game tomorrow.
You know what? I'm in.
And I'm crazy enough to do it.
I'd do it.
My team-mates will
come looking for me.
Why? Is it so unusual
you're not at practice?
You're in big trouble
for messing with Lewis Scott.
You just shut up.
Jimmy's in control now.
See, I can talk
in the third person, too.
Jimmy Flaherty wants Lewis Scott
to shut his trap.
Jimmy Flaherty is so tired
of Lewis Scott's bullshit!
Well, Jimmy wouldn't talk like that
if he didn't have a gun,
'cause Lewis Scott would pulverize
his big, fat, frumpy ass.
But Jimmy Flaherty
does have a gun, doesn't he?
Hey! You don't want to play
with Flaherty. He's crazy.
Yeah? I'm about to snatch your
asshole out and use it as a peephole.
Sit down! Please, Lewis!
Don't make me shoot you, man!
You won't shoot me.
You don't have the berries.
I do have the berries!
If you don't sit down, I'm...
- Shit! That could have been my head!
- I wish it was.
That was my 1 986 Bill Buckner ball.
Say somebody grabbed him yesterday
and let go of him today.
Kidnapping is kidnapping. It doesn't
matter if it's one day or three days.
If you kidnap a guy, you kidnap him.
I mean, just do it.
So you'd hold on to him until after
the Celtics win the championship?
Me? As a policeman sworn to uphold
the law, I could never say that.
But as a Celtics fan,
I must reply "Yes".
We're just joking around. We're not
talking about a crime here, are we?
No! Of course not.
Well...
- Yeah, OK. Give my love to Deb.
- See you later.
I got no reason to be concerned,
do I, Mike? Huh?
- Kevin, you're losing it, man!
-Take care. Stay out of trouble.
OK, Mr Germany, where were we?
- Why do you collect all this junk?
- I like it. It's a hobby.
It's pathetic. All these pictures
of other people's achievements.
And what have you done?
What's your claim to fame?
You think
Larry Bird has a picture of you,
your hand down a toilet,
wrangling a turd?
He doesn't even know you exist,
and you met him.
Put that gun in your mouth
and blow your brains out.
I know you've thought about it.
On holidays, your birthday.
How about New Year's, when you're
sitting here playing with your knob,
and everyone else out there
having fun.
Go ahead, Jimmy. Do it.
Make the pain go away.
Stifle it, Scott!
That's exactly why your so-called
friend Mike treats you that way.
- You have no identity of your own.
- He treats me just fine.
It took me two seconds to figure out
who the man in the relationship was.
He wouldn't even let you make
the banana pancakes.
I was going to make them, too.
I was in the mood.
Does he make you hold his peenie
when he takes a piss, too, Jimmy?
I wouldn't be surprised if he comes
back with some hot pants for you.
- Come on, make us some breakfast.
- Coming!
I saw Kevin when I was out.
I hinted about us.
It doesn't matter if we let him go
now or later. Same thing.
- What did you do that for?
- I'm sick of your bullshit!
What the hell's gotten into you? Huh?
Oh, no.
You really shouldn't
leave Jimmy all alone, Mike.
- You just get out.
- No, Jimmy, don't listen to him!
"Yes, master,
I'll do whatever you say."
- Pick on someone with your own IQ.
- How about someone like you?
I'd like to get him in a room,
tie him down,
and beat the living snot out of him!
There are some people in this world,
that's all they really understand.
You rationalize with them,
listen to their side of the story.
But ultimately, it comes down
to one thing. A good beating!
Maybe something happened to him.
Like it's the first time
he's pulled this.
- Listen to me.
- I can't believe I hit you.
I talked to Kevin.
We're in deep trouble.
- We're probably going to jail.
- What do we do?
We've no choice.
If we let him go now,
our lives go down in flames
and we have nothing to show.
But if we hold on to him till after
the game and the Celtics win,
our lives will go down in flames, but
we'll have contributed to the victory!
I like this very much.
All our lives, we've taken
from the Celtics.
It's time to give something back.
On a team, everybody's got a job.
So our job is to cover Lewis Scott!
And if we can hold onto him,
maybe we can win that championship.
It wouldn't be a fair win.
There'd be an asterisk
next to it in the record book.
It would have our names next to it.
What kind of loser
would want to be an asterisk?
I would very much like to be one.
Let's lead our Celtics to victory!
Lurch, we're going to run the plays.
Do the best you can. That's all I ask.
- I will not let my homies down.
- Your homies are going to love that.
Come on, Jimmy, the rock!
I hate my life.
- Give him another chance.
- I have given him so many chances.
I love him,
but he's just not good for us.
Will I only see him Sundays
like my other divorced friends?
Tommy.
Football season's coming up.
I don't think your dad's gonna see
you Sunday. Maybe February.
- Two-fifty-five! Hut-hut-hut!
- Blitz him, blitz him, blitz him!
Go all the way! Yes!
-Jesus, Jimmy, you clipped him!
- No, that wasn't.
He's going all the way! Oh, yeah!
You guys are really good at this.
You ever think about going pro?
Here it goes! Bring it down now!
Bring it hard! That's it!
Bring it down! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Big Jim Fulton! How's his shoulder?
- He had that rotator cuff surgery.
- Did it affect his power chop?
- Yes, but not his log rolling.
Thank God. Wouldn't want
nothing happening to the log rolling.
These guys are so classy.
There's no prize money here.
They're in it for the love of the game.
You wouldn't see
Big Jim Fulton hawking chainsaws.
Hi. I'm Big Jim Fulton. When I'm
cutting 'em, I reach for the best.
- It's Big Jim Fulton.
- Well, I...
I can see why he'd do that.
McCulloch makes a heck of a product.
That just proves no one's above it.
What about you, doo-doo-digger?
If they offered you a million to do
a Tidy Bowl commercial, would you?
In a case like that, that's a product
I believe in, I suppose I would.
Why do you do all those commercials?
Come on, you don't need the money!
You know what I think?
You think that if we see your face
on TV a million times a day,
we're going to love you.
I don't need your love. I don't want
to talk about this any more.
I don't do no more commercials
than anybody else.
I'll play a game. I'll flip through
every station on this TV.
And if I don't see one
of your commercials, I'll let you go.
- Bet!
- That's kind of a risk there, Mike.
- He's on TV every ten seconds!
- Come on, let's go.
OK. Let's play.
I'll start with two here.
Want to pick up the pace?
..in a limo this small.
- OK.
- I'm gonna win this thing.
I've got 1 25 channels on the dish.
Keep changing channels.
You're almost out. This is it.
- Untie me, baby. I'm home free.
- No, we got ESPN-2 coming up.
- "..still got my thumbs."
- "..This awful rash..."
Let's play. A pack of Oscar Mayer
fat-free turkey dogs for the winner.
Selling those wieners!
Here comes my favourite part!
I'll play one-on-one
with this hot dog any day!
"I'll play one-on-one
with this hot dog any day"!
Will you shut it off?
Change the channel.
- Help!
- Get him in the kitchen!
Get him back there, now.
It's Carol and Tommy.
Get him in there!
OK.
Carol, Tommy, hey! What a surprise.
It's not really a good time right now.
We just stopped by to bring some stuff
you might need and to say goodbye.
- What is this?
- The rest of your stuff.
You think I'll spend the rest
of my life with Jimmy?
I can't live with someone
who refuses to grow.
I can grow, are you kidding me?
I'm practically sprouting right now!
Carol, look. I was thinking a lot
about it, and you were right.
You were right!
I think I've become a little bit...
- Obsessed.
- Obsessed with sports. You're right!
You're just repeating what I said
to placate me.
No. I'm going to change.
I'm going to become a new man.
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
We'll go back to that therapist!
We can talk it out. We'll talk,
we can hold each other.
We can even cry! And I promise
I won't try to smack him this time.
Fine. I'll call Dr Kaufman and make
an appointment for Monday.
- Then we'll see.
- It's a date!
Doc Kaufman's on Monday!
You miserable son of a bitch!
- Think I got a girl in there?
- It didn't take you long.
- It's Jimmy.Jimmy?
- Yeah.
- He's whipping up a bundt cake.
- Good one, Dad. Bundt cake.
Yes. Hey, don't go in there!
Do not go in there!
- Carol. Tommy.
- See. It's Jimmy.
And...why is this man tied up?
For fun.
-Just guy stuff.
- Having fun with the guys.
- Hey, you're Lewis Scott!
- Who is Lewis Scott?
Who is...? Are you kidding me?
That is exactly what is
wrong with our relationship.
I kidnap the greatest player in the NBA,
and you don't know who he is!
Mr Scott, I think you're the greatest.
He says thanks for the compliment.
See you later because we gotta be
going now, and good afternoon.
You are sick! You need help!
You don't know what's going on!
We have a plan!
I have a plan. I am calling the cops,
then I'm divorcing you. Let's go.
- You're still my hero.
-Thanks.
Not you, Dad. I meant Lewis.
I haven't seen Carol that mad since
'8 7, when I drop-kicked her Chia pet.
I remember.
Let her go. Who needs
a loving, supportive wife like that?
A strong-jawed, athletic,
rim-minded gym teacher like you?
Every woman in Boston must want to get
into bed with your pasty, bloated ass.
Shut up before I bring your head
over here and use it as a cue ball.
Excuse me, gym teacher.
May I use the bathroom?
- We're not falling for that trick.
- Do you think I wore a pamper here?
You should go in there
with him just to be safe.
- That is not going to happen.
- Fine. There's bars on the window.
If you try anything, he'll blow holes
through this door until you're dead.
- Yeah, that's me, John Dillinger.
- Relax, I'm just going to pee.
-Jimmy, want to help me uncoil it?
- He better just be peeing.
We should get out of here. Carol was
pissed. She might be calling the cops.
She very well might,
knowing her the way I do.
- Who's that?
- I want my rent money, Jimmy!
It's Nick, the landlord.
He's got a key. He's the landlord.
- $300. Cough it up.
-Just pay the man.
- I don't have it.
- Cough it up.
I'm installing a whirlpool spa
next week, and Friday I'll have...
-Just write the man a cheque.
- It'll bounce.
- Write it anyway.
-Jimmy!
Mikey, there's a $20 penalty
for writing out bounced cheques.
All right. I am going to pay
Nick the landlord.
- You don't deserve a friend like this.
- Damn straight.
Thanks for the hostage-tality, guys.
But I really gotta go.
I don't believe what I just saw!
- Nick, lock it up!
- Was that Lewis Scott?
There!
- Those guys are physically fit!
- We'll never catch him this way.
- Keep up. Take a warning shot.
- I'm a terrible aim. I might hit him.
Taxi!
- Yo, my man.Just drive, drive.
- Hey, you're Lewis Scott.
- Yeah, it's me. Step on it.
- Get out of my cab.
- This is an emergency.
- After what you did to my Celtics?
- Get out of my cab now.
- What is this? The Twilight Zone?
- Hi, Grandma.
- Hi, Peanut.
- What's wrong?
- Bill Russell is awful sad.
- The Celtics lost.
- Don't worry, Billy Boy.
Mikey and I'll take care of it.
See you.
- Hey!
- This way, dumb ass!
Lewis, come on!
- Hey! Get in the van! I mean it!
- You'd hit me in front of a cop?
Officer!
This is bizarre.
Hey! Where are you going? Hey!
Nothing personal, man.
I wish the Utah fans
were this passionate.
Hey, Cramden,
where are we going?
Nowhere. We're just going to
drive around till after the game.
I see you put a lot of thought
into this.
Hey, you have
any music in this tin can?
Sure.
Hey! Turn it off! Give me the gun,
I'll shoot myself in the head.
Hey, listen. I got a little
business proposition for you.
What if I told you I knew
the Celtics were a lock on game 7?
Could we make some money?
Yeah...
No, VERY inside information.
- Your gaslight's on.
- Well, look for a filling station.
Did you see that blonde
in the new Guess ad?
I saw that the other night.
I was going to call you.
- Talking about Michelle?
- What, you know her?
- Every nook and cranny.
- Get outta here.
- In the biblical sense?
-Just say we never made it to church.
- Don't say that. You're killing me!
- Your fantasies are my reality.
Cough it up, man. We want the details.
I better give you some toilet paper
and WD-40, 'cause I got stories, yo.
You know the Budweiser ad girl?
Been there, done that.
I bet you guys couldn't get past
first base with the Budweiser frog.
That would depend how drunk I got it.
Man, I've been with two women
in my whole life.
- That's two more than Jimmy.
- That's cruel, but true.
Wow.
Gas. Let's stop for gas.
You pump, I'll pay.
And you, you wait in there.
I hope you die!
- OK, wide ass! Unchain me.
- Get back in the van.
Unchain me right now, or I'll blow
this place to kingdom come!
I leave you alone for
two minutes and what happens?
- Let him go, Jimmy!
- Otherwise we'll have a weenie roast!
- Do it!
- No can do, man.
I'll sacrifice for our boys in green.
You're willing to sacrifice my nuts?
What is the matter with you?
- Did he get in your head again?
- No, it's completely blank.
- Then you must be willing to die.
-Jimmy! Jimmy!
No one's dying. That lighter hasn't
worked since Dukakis was governor.
Oh, yeah?
- Let him go, Jimmy!
- Give me that thing! Get in the van!
Help him with his bowl.
Be careful.
It's a top-of-the-line quiet flush.
Thanks for telling me about the lighter.
I'm soaking wet, and the van smells
like gasoline! Give me a light.
Well, look at that. It works.
Guys. Please don't take this from me.
Let me go. I won't turn you in,
I swear. You don't want to go to jail!
Mike, you got a wife and a kid!
Jimmy, you've got...Mike,
and he's got a wife and a kid.
- Please don't take this from me!
- You don't deserve it.
- What, and you do?
- At least I'd appreciate it.
I would cherish every minute
of every game.
I wouldn't skip practice or be ragging
on my team-mates! I'd work hard!
You don't think I work hard?
I gave up everything for the game!
- Big deal. I'd have given it up, too.
- Would you have, Mike?
- What do I have to give up?
- Yeah.
I'm the one born with the talent,
not you.
Sorry, but don't take it out on me.
You don't think I've got the talent?
You're a gym teacher.
What do you think?
Pull over.
Come on, Mr P.E.,
show me what you got.
I'm Bob Cousy here at Lapristy Park
with the Boston skyline behind me,
here at this grudge match,
a David and Goliath contest between
Lewis Scott, NBA All Star
and Mike O'Hara,
a gym teacher from Charlestown
with a spastic colon
and a few surprises up his sleeve.
Is Mike O'Hara's dream dead? We'll
see after a word from this sponsor.
I'm Lewis Scott.
As well as being a basketball player,
I'm also a denture wearer.
Shut up!
- Let's play!
- I'm going right. Oops.
- You reach, I teach.
- Shut up and play.
If you was a midget,
I'd take you to the hole.
If you was crippled,
I'd have you rubbing that nub.
If you was an old woman with no teeth,
I'd still have you gummin'.
If you was my bitch, I'd do that to you.
- Shut up!
- Come on, hit the weight room!
Get up, you fat foetus.
Oh, the kid is nice, the kid is nice!
Take a breather, Mike.
I'm gonna shoot threes.
You'd be a great ball boy.
- Get the ball, boy, 'cause it's over.
- It's not over till I say it's over!
Oh, God!
- Oh, Jeez, are you OK?
- No, I'm not OK!
Ice! Get him some ice!
All right, give me the key. The keys!
- He has the gun!
- Give him the keys!
Thank you.
Scott?
- What, stink hands?
- Are you turning us in to the police?
No. I got something much worse
planned for you two.
- You're going to root for me.
- I'm not rooting for you!
See you ladies at the game. Pray
I win, otherwise you're going to jail.
Hey. Wear something purple.
Wear something purple.
Lunch is almost ready.
I have nothing to say to you.
- What did you do to your foot?
- I screwed up.
So, Dad, what do you think
prison will be like?
Tommy.
The paper said Utah's favoured by two.
He probably won't even have to go.
Can we not talk about sports?
I just want to spend some time
with you guys, before I...
You know.
Wow. That's good.
- How's work?
- Fine.
How's your friend...Jill?
Jill moved to Rhode Island
two years ago.
I didn't mean Jill, I meant Donna.
Di...ane.
- You don't have to do this.
- I want to.
- How's old Diane?
- Her boy's turning eight on Sunday.
But, well,
I'm sure you wouldn't want to go.
There's nothing I'd rather do
on God's green earth
than go to that little bastard's
birthday party.
But I'll be in lock-up.
Grandma, I've done
something terribly wrong.
I might have to go to jail and
become some bad man's boyfriend.
That's nice, Peanut. Now could you get
me a grapefruit out of the fridge?
- Here we go, Celtics.
- Here we go!
Excuse me.
- Here we go, Celtics!
- Hey, Jimmy!
Mikey!
Game 7! We're going all the way!
- Root for Utah. This is a nightmare.
- I think I'm going to throw up.
I think I need a hug
with my hot dog today.
-Jimmy, how could you?
- Baby, let me explain.
- What's the deal with the jerseys?
- Yeah!
- Isn't it obvious?
- No!
The Celtics have lost
the last two games, right?
- And who have we been rooting for?
- The Celtics!
So can't you see?
We are the bad luck guys!
It wasn't Chris McCarthy!
It was us!
So now, when we root for the Jazz,
we're going to jinx them!
The Celtics are going to win!
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Thanks, Suzy.
You pulled that out of your butt.
I didn't want to say anything,
but I knew it was you two. Good idea!
"Well, it all comes down to this.":
The final game of the NBA finals.
In case you've been out of the country,
the talk is that nobody has seen
or heard from Lewis Scott.
- Where the hell is he?
- Listen up! He's not coming.
We're going to do this without him.
Utah Jazz is not Lewis Scott.
There is nothing you guys can't do!
I believe in you. Believe in yourselves.
Lurch, stand under the basket.
Just sit there and rebound, right?
But I got the good stuff!
I don't want to hear
the Croatian stuff!
Just sit under the basket and rebound.
Can you do that much?
I swear, if you take the ball
and shoot, I'll get you deported!
- Where the hell do you think he is?
- Maybe he had trouble with the van.
What's happening, gentlemen?
Good to see you again.
Hey, Kevin.
What's with the jerseys? Don't you think
that's a little overkill?
- He escaped.
- No frigging way!
You didn't bet on the Celtics?
- Worse. Look at this.
- You bought a T-shirt?
No, I had 20,000 of these made up.
If they lose, they're worthless.
- It's a nice design.
- You idiots.
You better hope and pray the Celtics
win, or you're writing a big cheque.
This isn't bad.
It could be worth something later,
in a few years,
because it represents an event
that might not happen.
At centre, in his
second big year from Croatia,
at seven feet tall, number 7 1,
Ilja "Lurch"Bronfermakher!
- They love me, they really love me!
- They cheer because Lewis isn't here.
- They're going to win.
- Why must you ruin this for me?
..your fabulous Boston Celtics.
At guard, at six foot three,
number 1 1...
Lewis!
- Looking good!
- Looking very rested! Go, Jazz!
- Sorry, Coach.
- Lewis is here. Lewis!
Hi. This is the 7th game. Do you have
any idea what you put us through?
- Coach, You're not...
- What the hell's the matter with you?
Why do you do this? You're selfish.
That kind of behaviour is inexcusable!
I'm going to sit your ass
on the bench. I'm benching you!
- You can't bench me.
- You're benched! Sit down!
Bring it in. Huddle up, boys.
Kimball, jeez.
- What are you doing? Put him in!
- Messing with me, huh? I saw you.
- Kimball, you're blowing it!
- You don't like it, do you?
Doesn't feel good, does it, Lewis?
A little payback for you!
- Kimball! Put your best man in!
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
- Shut up, the both of you!
Shut up!
Shut up!
All right, you suffered long enough.
Get in there. Let's win this one!
- Go, Lewis!
- Scott power!
Sometimes you just gotta
be tough with these guys.
Lurch, come here.
- Put your good stuff on the bench.
- I feel you, Coach.
Feel the bench, all right.
Yellow, purple, green and white,
the Jazz are gonna win tonight!
Yeah, Lewis!
Scott can't find his rhythm.
That's the price for skipping practice.
It's coming back to haunt him.
- Yeah, Lewis. Go get 'em.
-Jazz, Jazz, Jazz.
You guys are truly devoted. There
must be green blood in your veins.
Celtics are playing a physical brand
of ball. They're beating up the Jazz.
Prison won't be so bad.
I can become a born-again Christian.
That'll be good. Nobody wants
a born-again Christian as their bitch.
Yes!
-Jesus loves you.
- Move your ass.
- I'm trying to spread the gospel.
- Spread this:
Thou shalt not ruin
the friggin' game for me!
You stupid son of a bitch. Nice form.
1 5 minutes half-time period.
Please pull out your ticket stubs!
If you're sitting in row 3,
seat 6, you've been chosen for...
- That's me.
- Holy shit! It's Jimmy!
- I can't do it. Not like this.
- We might need the bail money.
I'm Bob Cousy...
You've got to do it! Listen, listen!
How long have we been coming here?
- Since we were nine.
- It all comes down to this!
He lives right down the street.
He's a plumber from Charlestown.
You actually get to play
in the Garden! At the finals!
In a couple of weeks, this place is
rubble. Jimmy, this is your destiny!
Thank you.
Please give a big hand
to Jimmy Flaherty!
- Mr Cousy, don't steal the ball.
- Take your best shot.
- I don't want you to take it from me.
- Do it for Bean Town, baby!
Do it! Destiny!
You did it! You did it!
Get the money!
Mickey, 1 00,000 bucks can buy us
a pretty good lawyer!
It's over.
Scott's never going to wake up.
We may as well turn ourselves in now.
Be quiet.
I'm tired of your negativity.
We're going to jail!
No, we're not going to jail.
I'm going to jail, alone.
I'm going to say
that I kidnapped Scott.
- What are you saying?
- You have a wife and a kid.
If somebody gets caught,
it's going to be me. I'll take the fall.
No way. If we get caught,
we're going down together.
Somebody's got to spot you when
you're lifting weights in the yard.
Heading into the 2nd half, the Celtics
leading a listless Utah Jazz 52 to 38,
Lewis Scott,
only 6 points in the first half.
If Scott doesn't wake up and start
getting some really big numbers,
there's no way
Utah can win this game.
Defence, defence!
Oh, God!
Kirby, two points!
Benton, two points!
OK. Come on,
Lewis, you pansy, let's go!
It looks like
it's all Celtics here tonight.
God!
Scott! Listen to me!
I will not be ignored!
Everybody knows
you're going to shoot the damn ball!
Surprise them. Pass it!
You are not taking me down with you!
All right, come on.
Pass it, you asshole!
Sheppard!
Sheppard! Are you OK, man?
- What happened?
- I think Lewis passed you the ball.
He passed me the ball?
Lewis passes the ball! The only man
more surprised than me was Sheppard.
- He took a nasty cut to the ear.
- Next time he'll wear an ear guard.
Good pass!
Kimball has finally gotten
through to his star guard.
No, that's us! Marv Albert's
talking about us. Oh, I can die now!
Get up the floor, baby! All the way!
Yes! Good pass, Lewis!
Good pass.
That's basketball. You see a problem,
you solve it. That's coaching.
- Good pass!
- Way to go!
- Kick their butt, baby?
- Are you really rooting for Utah?
No, of course not.
I just don't want to go to jail.
Yeah. We got no choice.
Go, Scott!
- You're beautiful!
- Back on "D"!
Nice pass.
Lewis Scott has expanded his game,
and his team-mates are responding.
- What's wrong with them?
- I think their plan is backfiring.
There it is, there it is,
Scott, hoop!
There it is, there it is, there it is,
Scott, hoop!
- Get that prick out!
- Foul him! I want him dead!
- Easy! Show some respect.
- Patty, Timmy. Respect!
- Shep, you all right?
- I think your pass messed me up.
- Let's go! Tape up! Play hard!
- He's hurt, man!
Lurch. You're going in.
I will not let you down. I'll give them
some of that death row shit.
Don't worry about the death row shit.
Just don't embarrass me.
Lurch! Check in.
Right. That would've been a technical.
Got 'em!
Two. Six. One shot.
I can't take it any more.
I am totally losing my shit, man.
I'll never make it in jail!
I'm the kind of guy who hangs himself
in his shoelaces on the first night!
Don't do it! Don't do it, Jimmy!
Play that funky music, white boy
Play that funky music now
The fate of the Jazz rests on the
shoulders of their star, Lewis Scott.
All net!
All right, go!
- What happened?
- Keep singing!
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan
Great play!
Come on.
- Our ball.
- The ball, please.
Jimmy, it's a time-out!
Utah's down by one.
There's 7.5 seconds left.
Utah's got the ball.
If Utah wins, we don't go to jail.
If they miss it, the Celtics win.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so confused. Who do I root for?
Root for Utah!
All right. We've got 7.5 seconds.
That's a lot of time.
Just suck up the energy.
All right. Listen up.
We move the ball.
Lewis gets here, passes to Dale...
- Is that clear? Are you with me?
- Money in the bank, Coach.
Get in there. Seize the championship.
We've got seven seconds.
Nobody sends my man to jail.
Let's go. Come on, you asshole.
- Come on, Lewis!
- Lewis!
Defence, defence!
Go! Now!
We won! He listened to you, Mikey!
We're free!
- We did it!
- I love this game!
It would not have happened if Scott
had not changed his style of play.
Hey, man.Jazz, world champions!
Don't leave me hanging, man!
Kevin O'Grady, Boston Police.
I have reason to believe these
two men have perpetrated a crime.
- What's your relationship to them?
- I know these two jerks.
They're my friends.
- Who's the best in the NBA?
- You are!
But we'll kick your ass next year!
I'm sorry about the abduction.
I've never done that to another guy.
Lewis, Lewis...
I don't know about this, Jimmy.
Carol and I are really getting along.
She even went to a hockey game.
If she thinks
I didn't learn my lesson...
But you did, Mikey!
You did learn your lesson.
You will not interfere with
an NBA championship again. Never!
This is different.
You're right. This is different.
- This is football season.
- Yeah.
- What's going on?
- Hello there, Mr Deion Sanders.
It's your 3 a.m. wake-up call.
You autograph hounds are
out of control.
Oh, we don't want your autograph.
No.
What do you want?