1
"He would not take no
for an answer.
Our young hero traveled
a great many leagues,
beneath the ocean's surface
to find his shackled mermaid,
and he had no intention
of leaving without her.
However, the evil sea king
had other plans.
Like a madman driven
by love and revenge,
the diver unsheathed
his speargun and fired.
His harpoon struck
the merman's heart,
and blood shot out
like a miniature geyser.
The bubble surrounding
the princess burst,
as two tiger sharks ravaged
the king's lifeless body,
scattering his guts across the sea
like a quilted feather pillow.
Yet, amid the melee,
the diver bent down on one knee,
and his hand held out a small pearl.
The princess smiled.
'Don't bother,' she said.
'I've already packed.'
And so they rode off
on the back of a white whale,
and with a bouquet of plankton,
they were betrothed.
The End."
Very good, very good.
Thank you.
Okay, I thought that went well
back there, don't you?
Are you kidding me?
That was amazing.
It was so great to see you
in action back there.
Yeah, it felt good.
Tell me your thoughts on the ending.
What did you think of the diver
ending up with the mermaid?
You thought that was too easy?
Easy? No, not at all.
I mean, I felt that, like, it was
the only way that it could have ended.
Yeah, I agree, and I'm the writer.
Here we go.
Are... are we in a rush
or something?
I'm not in a rush. We just got
a full weekend ahead of us.
We got so many things to do.
What is that?
Oh, just some books...
And this.
You... you recommended this to me
a long time ago.
You said you felt like
it was written about you, so...
Yeah, well...
Those were my younger
and more vulnerable years.
Do you mind, sir?
This is a bike lane, not a parking lot.
Fuck you, asshole!
This is a lot of goddamn luggage
for three days, buddy.
We're not going on safari.
We're going on a vacation.
Well, I-I wasn't exactly sure
what to be prepared for.
I mean, you weren't very specific
over the phone.
I guess I wasn't.
And... and, you know,
I wanted to look nice
if there was gonna be girls
at the hotel.
Yeah, there might be girls
at the hotel.
You need to relax, buddy.
That's not the point of the trip.
You don't have to worry yourself
about girls.
This trip is about us
going on boat rides in the sun.
We got to read some books.
I got to read things to you out loud.
You've been hiding from me
in your parents' apartment,
you little prince.
It's time to get you out of there.
Okay.
I mean, I don't really feel
like I've been hiding from you.
If anything, I feel like you've
been hiding from me, maybe.
I feel like we had lunch
not that long ago.
No. No, I don't... I'm not...
I don't think I've seen you
in like a year, Sam.
- A year?
- Yeah, at least.
A year?
I got a little present for you.
- What is this?
- Open it.
What?
It just reminds me of the buck knife
you used to carry around
in your belt loop
when we were campers.
Remember?
The one that I lost?
- Yeah.
- That's why I got it.
Whose, uh...
whose initials are these?
Those are yours, buddy.
No, it says N.B.
No, I know,
that's my friend Noah Bressman.
He doesn't use it, though.
I took it from him.
Thank you.
It's... perfect, Sam.
Happy birthday, kid.
Thanks.
It's not my birthday, though.
I know it's not your birthday,
you silly goose.
Consider it early for next year.
Oh, my God.
I've just been so busy lately
with this book, Marshall.
That's what it is. That's why
I'm so lousy at keeping in touch.
I know, I know, I know,
it's... it's fine, man.
It has nothing to do with you
personally, though.
- Yeah, and...
- You know that.
Yeah, no, I know.
I know I don't have to tell you that,
but I should.
And I do have to say that I think
it's really admirable that you're able
to, like, come up with these amazing
characters and everything
and still keep a real job
during the day, you know?
That is my real job, actually.
Waitress, can we get the check?
Thank you.
You know, I was about ready
to take on the job market myself.
I sent out some rsums,
took some meetings
that my dad set up,
and then, you know,
the whole disaster happened,
and I had to move back in
with my parents,
and, you know, at first
it was hard for me
to even leave my own room,
and before I knew it,
eight months had just flown on by.
Jesus Christ, Marshall,
that's what I'm saying.
The guy I know
used to be a crazed wild man.
You're nothing like that anymore.
What happened?
When did you start smoking?
Recently.
You probably shouldn't be doing it
at a gas station.
That's an old wives' tale, Marshall.
You're gonna love this hotel,
by the way, pal.
Really?
I'll tell you, it might as well
have a goddamn Michelin star.
What's it like?
It's very elegant, very warm,
got a real old-world
kind of flavor to it.
It's like they put the plaza
at the countryside.
Oh, I love that.
Right here.
Whoa, this is the place
we're staying at?
Uh, no. I think we made
a wrong turn, actually.
We're staying down the road, I think.
Oh. Huh.
Ah, she's got a lot of baggage.
Out of my way.
It's a wedding, everybody.
Let's get 'em.
Do you know these people
or something?
No, I don't know these people.
How the hell
would I know these people?
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Are you here for the weekend?
Uh, no, I think we're all right,
thanks, actually.
Yeah, we're... we're not here
for the weekend.
We... we were staying
down the road a piece.
We just made a wrong turn.
Then you should leave immediately.
This car is smoking profusely.
Unbelievable, that guy.
Honestly, can you believe that?
Yeah.
It was very condescending,
his tone, wasn't it?
I mean, I don't think
he did anything that bad.
I think he was just doing his job.
The place seemed really exclusive,
you know.
I mean, he just thought we were
middle class or something,
just by looking at us.
I mean, we are middle class.
Well, that's not the point.
Hey, pull over really fast.
I need to make a quick call.
Okay.
All righty, you should get us some
booze and snackies for the room.
I got to make a call.
Who are you gonna call?
Get whatever you'd like.
Anything.
You just gave me $2.
It should work.
Hi. It's Sam.
Hi. It's Sam.
Yeah, hi. It's Sam.
Hi. It's Sam.
Hoo...
Chief, can you just run the card
one more time?
Just run the card
one more time, sir.
Run the goddamn card
one more time, please?
He's giving me
the silent treatment.
You're gonna have to give me
your wallet, Marshall.
This guy's treating me
like I'm a frickin' criminal.
Let me explain something to you, sir.
I put money on this card last week.
There's no reason why this card
shouldn't be working right now.
That's the card, by the way.
That should go through.
Sorry, Marshall.
I'm gonna pay you back.
I put money on the card last week.
It's okay.
Just calm down.
I can't calm down, Marshall.
You should be angry, too.
How could it be unlisted?
I was just there.
It's a big white house
with blue shutters.
Or maybe they're black.
Does that make any difference
whatsoever?
I'm not authorized
to give you...
No, you're the phone company.
You're supposed to know everything.
- There's no hot water.
- I'm sorry. I can't help you.
Oh, and I was just made aware
there's no hot water in the room.
How are you gonna run a hotel
with no hot water?
Anything else, Marshall?
There was a bit of hair in the drain.
And there was a full head of hair
in the drain.
So if you can get a maid up
or an electrician,
I would really appreciate that,
thank you.
I'm sorry, Marshall.
I'm just not gonna let
some two-bit Indian
treat me like a maniac, you know?
It's fine. I didn't even think
he really did anything.
Went completely numb.
Marshall, I apologize.
I know this was supposed to be
a very relaxing weekend,
your first weekend
being out of the house in a year.
I mean, your actions
were a little overwhelming,
but I'm just glad
that I'm unpacked and settled in.
If I could just take a chance
to relax for a little while.
Let's go to the pool.
You know, I've got
to tell you, I'm only on page 37,
but so far, I totally get
what you're saying about this guy.
I feel like it's written
about me or something.
It's kind of haunting.
You know what I think?
I think we need to get out of here
and have ourselves a drinky.
True or false...
you want to meet some women
on this trip, right?
I mean, true, but it's not the most
important thing in the world to me.
I mean, just sitting here
by the pool with you
is probably the most exciting thing
I've done all year.
Right. That's all the more reason
why we should keep pushing forward.
Look, see for yourself.
There's a very interesting thing
going on down the beach over there.
They're all old people.
Exactly, Marshall.
They're gonna love you.
It looks like a blast, man.
It's just...
I don't know if I'm ready to dive
into a stressful social situation
like that right now, you know?
That's the whole point
of the trip, Marshall.
We got to do this
for ourselves, for you.
This is your coming-out party.
Well, I guess we could stop by
for a minute,
but I can't exactly go over there
in my swim trunks, now, can I?
No. But you brought a suit, right?
Well, yeah, you told me
to bring one just in case,
but I'd have to sticky-roll it.
Well, sticky-roll that thing
and blow this joint.
Why are we
sneaking around like this?
We're not sneaking around.
We're being mysterious.
Look, Marshall, it's sunny out.
I still don't get what I'm supposed
to say to these people.
You just pretend like you fit in,
and you'll be fine.
It'll be like the time we went
to the Harmony Club
and took steam showers
with all those old guys.
They didn't question us, did they?
We just need to find somebody
who can help us get acclimated
to the party, you know,
ease into it a little bit.
Then when the time is right,
we'll peacock ourselves around
and show ourselves off
to some of these older women,
you know what I mean?
By the way, feel free
to make shit up about yourself,
like a job or something.
This guy's perfect.
Hey, excuse me.
Ahoy, amigo!
He seems kind of strange.
Let's go.
Wait, don't go anywhere.
Is there a problem, Officers?
I haven't done anything.
Let me ask you a question.
What's a guy like you
doing by yourself
when the party's over there?
Just hanging out
by the ocean, Officer.
Well, we're, you know,
down on the beach,
and your party's rattling
our walls a little bit.
What kind of dragon
do I have to slay
to get a drink around these parts?
Pow! Pow!
I'm really glad you guys are here.
I was getting a little bit bored,
to be honest.
Well, aren't these all your friends?
No, none of these people
are my friends.
They don't even like each other.
Huh, you can say that again, right?
That's why everybody drinks
and there are so many pills.
Hey, speaking of drinking, let's drink.
Hey, oh!
- Save some for me.
- Hey, there she is.
Hey, believe it or not,
but this one's been
in a ladies' prison, boys.
Really? That's funny.
So has Marshall. May I?
Oh, I love the flavor of this brand.
Very smooth.
Yeah, you'd like it a lot more
if you inhaled it.
No. I-I did.
Sweetie, look, dolphins!
It's terrible.
All right.
This is the smartest thing
we've ever done, by the way.
So, what do we do now?
What do you mean,
what do we do now?
Who do you like?
What girl?
I mean, she's kind of beautiful
in a sad kind of way.
Everybody here is sad, Marshall.
That's why we could really clean up
in a place like this.
However, I don't think
you should be focused on the maid.
I would focus on that redhead
over there, though.
She seems elegant.
She'd be lucky to have sex with you.
She's laughing at us.
Laugh back at her.
No, that's what these people
do here, Marshall.
They laugh at you.
That's why we could really clean up.
Because we're the young bloods.
You know what I mean?
Apparently, he arranged
a screening at some theater...
Uh, uh, I think I got something.
Let's go fishing.
Right. Right. I heard
it was her favorite movie.
"Brief" something or other.
- "Brief Encounter."
- What?
"Brief Encounter"...
the film you were talking about.
It's based on Noel Coward's play
called "Still Life,"
which came out in '36.
You guys might have been around
for that, actually.
- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm Sam Davis.
Nice to meet you.
I'm a published author of several
children's stories and such.
Oh.
This is my friend Marshall,
by the way.
- Marshall, say hi to the captain.
- Hi.
Tell them what you do, Marshall.
Oh, I-I don't actually
do anything right now.
I haven't really been
in a healthy enough state
to even fathom holding down
a real job, you know.
Marshall's a comedian, actually.
No. The truth is,
that I've just been going
through kind of a rough patch
right now,
and so I haven't really been
putting myself out there.
Just been too exhausted,
but, uh...
uh, when I do, I think
I might want to be an actor.
Or a sea captain.
How do you get into that?
Excuse me.
- Look at you.
- What are you doing here?
Oh, my God,
you look amazing right now.
Honestly, you are such a sight.
- Look at you in this light.
- Answer the question, Sam.
Have you grown?
I think you've grown.
Maybe it's just your posture,
but you seem a little taller.
I don't know...
Seriously, Sam, what the fuck
are you doing here?
What are you talking about?
Your brother invited me.
- Why are you acting like this?
- You've never even met my brother.
That's not true, actually.
We just met down
on the other side of the beach,
and he invited me to come
and have a few drinks
and say hi, so I'm just saying hi.
You can't be here, Sam.
You have to leave.
Didn't you get my postcard?
Which postcard?
You send me a lot of postcards.
Why are you acting like this?
I haven't seen your face...
Hey, look at this.
- That's my sister, Zoe, man.
- Yes, it is.
Isn't she pretty?
Coincidentally, your sister and I
have already met,
and I agree...
she's completely beautiful.
- No.
- All right.
- So, Teddy, you met Sam, then, yeah?
- Thank you, Teddy.
- Yeah.
- Sam Davis.
Oh, Sammy Davis.
You sly fox, man.
No...
All right. Well, I'm gonna go
find your friend, man.
It's on me.
- You brought a friend?
- Yeah, he drives.
Listen, do you want to go somewhere
and get a drink?
Oh, my God.
No, I... no, I can't, okay?
- I would like to talk to you.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
You have got to leave now.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, there she is...
my beautiful, elusive woman.
Can I steal you away
to take a few pictures
with the photographer?
- Of course.
- Who are you?
Are you...?
This is Whit.
I'm... Whit, I'm Sam Davis.
Pleasure to finally meet you.
Sam.
I've heard many,
many things about you.
Zoe's told me many things.
- Oh. Big Sam.
- Mm-hmm.
Of course you are!
Come here! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Finally, a chance to meet
the famous Sam Davis!
Yeah.
Darling, you didn't tell me you invited
Big Sam for the weekend.
I didn't, but Sam's...
...not gonna stay very long.
Yeah, no.
I won't be staying long at all.
It's really just a funny coincidence,
because our hotel shares a beach
with your miniature castle over here,
and, uh, we ran into Teddy,
and he invited me to say hi,
so, just saying hi.
You'll have to forgive me,
but the way Zoe speaks of you,
I always sort of imagined
this tall, strapping fellow,
what with all the "Sam sent me this"
and "Sam wrote me that."
Right.
You're far slighter than I imagined.
Well, it looks like Zoe's telling you
some tall tales, then, I guess.
He is funny.
You were right.
Hey, you Mick, you've got a lot
of fucking nerve showing up here.
Oh, come on.
Thanks for inviting me.
I will take out your fucking
front two teeth if you keep this up.
- Isn't he something?
- What's with the little mustache?
What?
I forgot I even had it, actually.
Do you like it?
Hmm. I like you better without it.
Fuck off, but do me a favor
and stay close by
'cause I want to talk to you
about the idea I just had.
I'm so sorry about that.
Bruce and I spearhead
the Little Foot Foundation together.
We made 10,000 pairs
of open-toed adjustable sandals
just last year
for poor African children.
Makes me feel good, you know?
Yeah, it should. Huh.
- You need a drink.
- Yeah.
So, tell me, Sam, where was it
you said you were staying?
My friend Marshall and I
are staying at this neat
little native American place
called "The Little Mohican Inn."
It's a fantastic place.
You guys should go
if you ever have an opportunity.
Now, listen, Sam, we've got
to take this photograph,
but it seems a bloody waste
for you and Marvin to stay
in that Indian shit hole
when we've got this big,
lovely house all to ourselves.
No. No, no, no, no, no!
Every room is...
- Aren't you gorgeous?
...full...
...in the house.
I'm sure we can find a place
for these two to bunk up in.
It's your rule...
the more the merrier.
You know, it's so rare
that we have the whole gang out
to celebrate
such a gorgeous occasion.
Oh, yeah, what is the occasion,
by the way?
You haven't told him, have you?
Of course I have.
No, no, no, no, you haven't told me.
I don't know what's going on.
Somebody, please,
tell me the good news finally.
Zoe and I are getting married
on Sunday.
Yes!
Married?! Really?
And it's my birthday!
That where I got...
And here, too.
You can't really see a scar, though,
because I have
an amazing plastic surgeon.
Excuse us for a moment.
Hey, pal.
- What am I, a fucking waitress?
- Oh, my goodness.
I thought we made an agreement
to lie about ourselves.
Yeah, but I hate lying.
I'm terrible at it.
Oh, you'll get better, trust me.
Who are those people
you were talking to?
I think I recognize that guy
from someplace.
Funny enough, those are
some acquaintances of mine
that are staying here
for the weekend.
And I've told you
about my friend Zoe, have I not?
- No.
- No? Doesn't matter. Anyway...
Uh, listen, I think we should
check out of the Mohican
and stay here for the weekend.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, I was just extended
the invitation for both of us,
and I think we ought to take it.
But I love the Mohican.
It's got a lot of character.
Marshall, people only say that
about terrible things
when they're trying to be nice.
I mean, look around, pal.
Every single person here
wants to know who we are,
especially that spunky-looking
redhead over there.
What's her name?
- Esme.
- Esme. Exactly.
And I'm sure that sad maid
is around here somewhere
lurking around.
Those are two very
realistic options for you.
You're not gonna get a deal
like that at the Mohican.
I just... I don't feel like we'd be able
to spend as much quality time
together if we stayed here.
Buddy, listen, this is
a golden opportunity here.
Okay? I'm just saying.
I mean... It's your call.
I told you what I feel.
You tell me what you feel.
I feel like...
I want to stay at the Mohican.
Okay.
Third floor, menswear.
That old boy
put you on the third floor.
Marshall, I don't want
to beat the dead horse,
but remember, you don't
have to explain everything
to everyone all the time,
you know what I mean?
Just pepper in a little subtlety
here and there.
Trust me.
What, you're saying I'm too obvious?
- I would never say that. Ever.
Keep up!
This place is like a playground.
You have a canoe,
you have golf clubs.
You have every sort of ball
known to mankind.
It is what it is, man.
- This place is incredible. I love it.
I wouldn't put you here.
Little more subtle, Marshall.
- What's that smell?
- Cat shit.
Zoe loves cats, right?
She's got strays running all over,
and they all take shits
under your bed, man.
- Are they rescues?
- Yeah, they're rescues.
She rescues cats, dogs, gerbils...
anything, man.
God, that sister of yours.
She's always taking care
of everybody.
She's got a lot of love to give,
doesn't she?
She's the best.
She took care of me
from day one on, so...
Look how good you turned out,
big guy.
Uh-huh.
Look, I want to be the guy
who takes care of you guys
this weekend, okay?
It's my sister's wedding.
She wants everybody to have fun.
So if you guys need anything...
you know, coke, pills...
Oh, actually, I could really use
a ginger ale and, like, an aspirin.
I kind of got, like, a sinus thing, so...
I don't smoke.
Good boy.
I like that. Good answer.
Move your shit, man.
Move it right now.
Get out of my way, man.
Hey, it's a wedding, everybody.
See you, Big Ted.
I'm gonna call him Uncle Teddy.
It's hot in here.
It's really hot in here.
It's not that hot.
That's what the fan is for.
One of the cats shit in the bathtub.
They're a bunch of strays,
Marshall.
I'm just glad they have a home.
What is that?
Just, like, a little gift basket.
It was left outside the door.
Really? Presents?
Were you reading my journal?
Yeah. Marshall...
When did you start
keeping a journal?
Like, about a year ago.
You're a pretty goddamn good writer.
Yeah. My therapist thought
it would be a good idea.
And I know you
used to have one, and...
You're in therapy?
- Yeah. Big-time.
- Why?
Got a lot of problems.
How many problems
can you have, Marshall?
You're 25 years old.
Quite a few.
Jesus Christ, Marshall.
You should prepare me before
you tell me something like that.
That's shocking.
What kind of stuff they got here?
Oh, a note.
How long
have you known Zoe, exactly?
Not long.
Um, we're just, you know...
friends of a friend...
that sort of thing.
I'm gonna take a shower, buddy.
You should spruce up
and, uh, get ready for supper.
Let's not be late, all right?
- Oh, there's no hot water in there.
- That's fine.
That is very funny,
and you are, yes, a very sad man.
Who wants to hear the story
of how we met?
'Cause I only want to tell
this story once.
There may be three people
at the table
that haven't heard this story.
Do you know, when I first
asked Zoe to dinner,
she laughed in my face.
No, I didn't laugh.
I didn't laugh.
No, it was...
It was an innocent guffaw.
Oh, what happened
to your mustache?
I look better without it.
Can you not be so observant
all the time? Thank you.
I hounded this girl for a month
to get one dinner with her.
I sent flowers to the store
where she worked.
You did send flowers,
and they were beautiful.
So I practically stalked you, didn't I?
Oh, that's charming.
God, here we go.
Very funny, everybody, laugh it up.
It's a wedding!
For all you guys who don't know me,
my name's Teddy.
That's my sister.
And our parents are dead.
Everybody dies.
It was a long time ago,
and we're doing okay now,
so don't worry about it.
So congratulations
from the family.
I love you very much.
- I love you, Teddy.
- I really, really do.
You're one of the good ones.
And you stuck with me
when I was all the way down,
you know?
And you always have.
There's all these snakes
in this world, but not you.
And it's time, you know,
you're moving on,
and I'm happy for you, but I'm just
going through a shit period for me,
and so I'm just sad... I'm...
I'm just sad that you're leaving,
that's all.
I'm not going anywhere, Teddy.
Me, neither, Teddy.
Cheers, everyone.
It's a wedding. Have fun.
What are you gonna do about it?
Thank you, cheers.
Cheers, Teddy.
Eat it up, boy.
Your candor and brevity
are always so much appreciated.
I fucked that up.
Um, so, um, let me keep this brief
'cause you all know how much
I hate giving speeches,
but, um...
could you just film this?
I'm baring my soul here.
You know, catch the moment.
Here we go.
Uh, do you know,
when you spend a year in a tent
in the African bush, you learn
to appreciate the little things in life,
like running water and the taste
of a decent cheeseburger.
You learn to appreciate
being home around your friends,
around your family,
around the people
who mean most to you
in this unforgiving world.
Zoe...
What?
I would be lying if I didn't say
that loving you
has been the great adventure
of my life.
And I make films in Africa.
And coercing you
into finally marrying me
has been by far
my greatest achievement.
Other than that Oscar.
I'm joking! I'm joking!
- I am joking.
- You're not joking.
- You're dead serious.
- I love you.
I love you.
Cheers, cheers, cheers.
I toast to you,
to old friends and new ones.
I've got such huge love
for everyone at this ta...
- Uh-oh.
- Cheers.
Hi, everyone. Cheers.
Cheers, Whit, Zoe.
Cheers, everyone here.
Um, well, I think I speak
for Marshall and myself
when I say that it's a pleasure...
Who's Marshall?
...to... to witness the pairing
of two beautiful people.
Two... two dreamers, really,
who are about to, uh...
embark on a journey of love and...
...friendship.
Um, it's a rare thing
to see two people
who are so good-looking
involved with each other.
Um...
Anyway, uh, thank you, Whit,
for letting us stay here.
Uh, to new friends
and to old friends.
And, uh...
Whit...
You're a lucky man.
And, Zoe...
...Whit's a lucky man.
If you'll excuse me a moment.
Sam, where are you going?
Oh, no, Sam, you're gonna miss
the birthday cake.
Damn, just missed him.
Anyway, cheers, everyone.
I hope you have
a marvelous evening.
Really. Does everyone
have enough to drink?
Are you feeling all right?
You found me!
Oh. I'm fine.
I just think I got a bad case
of food poisoning.
So sweet of you to come out here
and check up on me like this.
Unbelievable, right?
You'd think
with all the money this guy has,
he'd serve some decent food
in this joint.
Are you drunk?
You know what? That's it.
I drank on an empty stomach.
You should never do that, Marshall.
Come on.
Let's take a breath.
How'd you like my speech?
It's a tough crowd out there.
You and Zoe...
You never had, like,
a-a thing, did you?
What does that mean?
What's a thing?
I don't know, it's just,
she kind of looks at you oddly,
and you always breathe
really funny whenever she's around.
And I was just flipping
through your story again,
it just seems
like there's a lot of parallels.
Right. Have you ever
written anything, Marshall?
Just in my journal.
Well, let me explain
something to you, pal.
Let me explain to you
what us writers like to do.
We make things up...
amalgams, okay?
And what are amalgams?
They're things or characters
based on other things or characters
sort of all mixed together into one.
Now, while Zoe up there and I
are friends,
and I do find her kind of interesting,
she's just a small part
of a bigger whole.
Tiny, insignificant part
of that mermaid from my story.
She's a mixture of a lot
of different girls that I know.
Kind of like scrambled eggs.
Does that make any sense?
No. I think I'm having
a hard time articulating
what I'm feeling right now.
I think it's fear.
It's not because I don't trust you,
because I do. I just...
Marshall, let me explain
something to you.
One of my best-received stories
was loosely based
on the time that you and I
tried to steal Cleopatra's obelisk
from Central Park.
Remember that?
But I couldn't use you and I
in the story
because we're not interesting,
so I had to replace us with bandits.
Because bandits are far more
interesting than normal people.
That make sense?
I didn't know you wrote one
about us.
Didn't you get a signed copy
in the mail?
Well, God damn it. Remind me,
and I'll resend you one.
Come on. Let's get back out there
and loosen up a little bit.
How's my breath?
You should probably
brush your teeth.
Thank you for always being
so honest with me.
Okay.
It looks like our lion friend
has found a gazelle.
I don't know
who I identify with most...
am I the predator,
or am I the prey?
Being here,
I see a pure way of living.
America seems to me
so very far away...
a vile, putrid place
that I never want to see again.
All right, now, guys,
this is just a rough cut,
but I just thought that, since
I had you all together in one place,
I could get your notes
and help raise a bit of awareness
in the process.
You know, and that's why
I've got some questionnaires
for everyone to fill out afterwards.
Completely optional, of course.
I just want to stay here
and hold you forever.
Who is that woman?
That's my wife.
So she is.
Right.
- Be right back.
- Right, right.
My friend the chief has just
offered me 30 head of cattle.
Lean, darling.
You're blocking the most brilliant...
hat's a lot of cows.
What the...?!
What the hell's
the matter with you?!
Have you gone out of your mind?!
Maybe.
That stays on.
I've never been slapped before.
That hurt, kind of.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to do it quite so hard.
Well, you did.
What happened to your mustache?
- I shaved it off.
- Why?
'Cause you told me to.
What are you still doing here?
The whole reason
I wrote you the postcard
was to avoid this from happening.
You know, well, maybe you shouldn't
send postcards to people
to notify them of heartbreaking news.
What exactly is your objective?
It seems like I'm in the process
of winning you back.
No! I am getting married
in two days.
I am engaged.
I've always been engaged.
I never thought you were actually
gonna go through with it.
What happened
to our weekend in the city?
We were supposed to be alone
together. What happened?
Whit thought it would be nice
to just schedule our wedding
while he already had everyone here
for his birthday weekend.
Hold on. Nothing about
that statement seems odd to you?
Didn't you read anything I wrote?
You know what? I can't believe
you're actually considering this guy
as a serious option for you.
He's screening his movie
at his wedding reception?
What kind of man
are we dealing with here?
Shh!
You are being childish.
So are you.
Sam, please, save yourself
the heartache and go home.
No.
No. If you refuse
not to complicate my life,
the least you can do is introduce
yourself to one of my bridesmaids.
I'm sure they're just as desperate
as you to get their rocks off.
I meant that in the least
offensive way possible.
And, Sam,
stop standing on your toes.
I like you the way you were.
- Sammy!
- Hey, guys.
Hey, how you feeling, pal?
I feel fine.
Feel invigorated, actually.
Let's put a tiara on Sam.
Thank you.
You want some pills
to go with that tiara, Princess?
- I'd love some.
- Yes, you do.
We convinced this old boy
to partake with us.
He's a marathon boy.
My heart feels like it's metal.
It's nice to see you loosening up
a little bit there, pal.
Do it, do it, do it!
- All right, I'll show you, okay.
But I want to see every one of you
out there dancing later.
Ready? Come on.
Ready? Two, three, four.
I'll take one less than he's had.
Help yourself, man.
On the house.
Drink lots of water.
It really helps.
Does it make you forget
about things or what?
They'll bring you up,
and they'll take you down.
Pow.
See you next week, boy.
Sept cent millions de chinois
I feel amazing.
I feel like my body's
being born again.
Marshall, what the hell
happened to your shoes?
I don't know. I don't know.
Teddy took my shoes.
I don't know.
I don't know why he took my shoes,
but he took my shoes.
Marshall, you're breathing
all over me.
I know.
C'est la vie, c'est la vie
I actually...
I've actually had a tapeworm.
I have.
Ask me how I got rid of it.
How did you get rid of it?
I fasted for three days,
and then I stuck a ham sandwich
between my legs.
So I did it for a week, I did this,
and I still had the tapeworm,
and it was causing a lot...
I wonder what the quickest way
possible is
to get another cigarette
in my mouth.
That's the ticket.
Ahoy, marshmallow!
- Oh. Hi.
- Come here.
- Your body is terrific.
- I like your suit.
You're so sweaty.
J'y pense et puis j'oublie
C'est la vie, c'est la vie
Trois cent millions de sovitiques
Naughty.
You've been a naughty boy.
- You're bad.
- I know.
Ow. Don't hit me.
Behave.
Why are you hitting me?
Just touch me.
Ow!
Stop it.
C'est la vie, c'est la vie
Cinquante millions
de gens imparfaits
Et moi, et moi, et moi
Qui regardent Catherine Langeais
la tlvision chez moi
J'y pense et puis j'oublie
C'est la vie, c'est la vie
Neuf cent millions
de crve la faim
Et moi, et moi, et moi
Avec mon rgime vgtarien
Et tout le whisky que je m'envoi
J'y pense et puis j'oublie
- Hi.
- Hi.
You seem like trouble.
I'd like to get into some trouble.
How old are you?
How old do I look?
I think I'm a little old for you.
Well, I may be young,
but I wasn't born yesterday.
I don't... I don't...
I don't understand
what you're trying to say.
Honestly, I took a pill,
and I've been blacking out ever since.
Quick, make-believe
I said something really funny.
Mmm. Funny.
Why?
I don't know.
I-I like you.
C'est la vie, c'est la vie...
Ah...
Come on. Try it.
Oh!
You, uh... you remind me
of someone,
and I really like it.
It's crazy out there, you know.
It's like, one minute you're just
walking down the street
minding your own business,
and then, all of a sudden,
there's a psychopath in a jumpsuit
asking you for the time.
And then I'm waking up
in a hospital bed in Lenox Hill
with blood all over my sport coat.
Mmm.
What? No, I mean it.
You want to put
your glasses on me?
Mm-hmm.
- You find me attractive like that?
- Mm-hmm.
Want to make out?
Okay.
Really?
Oh, darling
Make it go
Make it go away...
You have a beautiful face.
I think it'd be time for us to kiss now.
Hello, darling. Bedtime.
Oh, no, we were in the middle
of a conversation.
Hey. Uh... oh, hi.
Have you guys seen my shoes?
I have... I have these loafers.
They're...
Uh...
Okay, uh...
Hi. Hey. Um, do you have...?
Uh, do you know
where I can find my shoes?
Teddy, Teddy, I need my shoes.
Pow, pow, pow.
Your shoes are mine, boy!
Okay. Uh... my room is this way.
Oh, hello.
Is this where you dwell?
Okay, it's hot.
Oh, that's better.
- Am I gonna die?
- No, pal.
Here, have some cheese plate.
It'll slow your heart down.
Come on.
Get some food in your little tummy.
So, how'd it go with your lady?
Who, Margaret?
Went well, actually.
We had sex...
twice, back-to-back.
- In a row?
- Mm-hmm.
What's it like... to screw on pills?
What do you say you and I forget
about the pills from now on, huh?
We don't need them.
How'd it go with your girl?
Not that good.
I walked in on the blond maid
in the closet crying.
And Esme... she's got, like,
some sort of husband
or something, apparently.
Don't you worry, pal.
You reacted perfectly.
You're so much better than her,
it kills me.
You kill me.
Why do you think she's with him?
Esme?
I don't really know
that much about her.
No, I mean Zoe and Whit.
Why do you think she's with him?
Oh. I bet it has something to do
with her father.
My therapist says that a lot of things
have to do with your father.
Marshall, you're so goddamn intuitive.
I'm sure it has something to do
with her being an orphan.
I mean, it's probably damaged
her judgment in some way.
And also, she just seems
like the type of girl
who, you know,
likes to be taken care of,
and Whit clearly does that.
He's a really good-looking guy,
successful, tall.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What, you think he's handsome?
Yeah.
Marshall, your penis
looks tremendous right now.
What?
You have a tremendous penis,
Marshall!
Hello?
Hi.
Um...
I couldn't sleep.
I need you to take a bath.
There's no hot water.
Hey. Pretend like
it's a swimming pool.
Take the cheese plate.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Wasn't really expecting company.
The place is a bit of a pigsty.
Marshall is a bit of a slob.
Is he gonna be okay in there?
Yeah, he's fine.
Marshall loves baths.
He's my little son.
He's my sidekick.
He was having
a hard time with Esme.
Really?
He was telling her something
about how he got pistol-whipped.
Yeah.
I am staying in my sleeping bag,
so don't get any ideas.
You and Margaret
seemed to really hit it off.
Hmm? How'd it work out
for the two of you?
She was very responsive.
Oh. Well, she better be.
She's had a lot of practice.
Yeah, she knew what she was doing.
You sound awfully jealous
for a woman
who's about to get married.
What's the deal, man?
What's that?
Is this a new one?
Why didn't you send it to me?
Because I'm still workshopping it.
"Chloe the Mermaid," huh?
I can give you a brief synopsis
if you'd like.
Would you like that?
- I would.
- Okay.
Well, it's about
a young deep-sea diver
who's, uh, searching for pearls
on the bottom of the ocean floor.
Anyway, our hero falls in love
with this mermaid
who is involved in a fraudulent,
vapid relationship
with a megalomaniacal,
arguably gay merman...
you know, complete sociopath.
The diver has to battle the merman
for the mermaid's heart.
And, uh, there's a big fight scene
at the end.
Not really sure how it all works out.
It's better than the one
about the flying koala bear.
Yeah.
That's one of my worst ones.
What do you got there?
What's with the legal pad and pencil?
Well, they're supposed to be my vows,
but they're all blank.
I have to write them,
but I'm having some trouble.
Uh-huh.
I kind of need a writer's opinion.
Did you come all the way in here
for me to work on your vows?
Can you?
Where do we start?
That's where you come in.
Wow. You're making
a real dent, I see.
Okay. Well, um...
I don't know.
What... what do you like about him?
Well, he's certainly not afraid
to be himself. That's for sure.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I can see that.
For sure.
Okay. Let's write that down.
He makes me feel safe and secure.
Mm-hmm.
Takes care of me.
- He's handsome...
- Okay.
- Successful.
- Okay.
This is all great, by the way.
What else?
He's very strong-willed.
Strong-willed... good word.
These are really good.
I mean, not afraid
to be himself... clearly.
I mean, anybody who dances like that
can't possibly be self-conscious.
Just completely uninhibited.
I've never seen a man
dance like that before...
without him being a woman.
This is not gonna help.
All right, maybe not right
for the vows.
I'm just trying to be objective here.
And, I mean, honestly,
as far as being safe and secure, look.
How can you not feel safe and secure
with a guy like that?
I mean, he's probably
the only man in history
to wear a turtleneck in Africa.
I like it.
Oh, it's too hot in here for this.
And as far as being strong-willed
goes, that's great for you,
because you could just turn off
for the next 50 years,
like a little robot...
be taken care of.
Isn't that what you want?
Now you're just being an ass, Sam.
Yes, I am.
I'm winning you back, goddamn it.
I missed you.
I know.
That's why I came.
I could feel it.
Just shut up.
Yeah, you know,
if you could just be gone
in the morning before I wake up,
that would make things
so much easier for me.
Well, who said I was trying
to make things easy for you?
You never stop talking, do you?
No, I don't.
Okay.
If I'm so lost without a friend
Tell me, who's this by my side?
This girl with eyes like gems...
What are you doing?
You looked so peaceful,
I was gonna let you sleep more.
Boy.
We had a crazy night,
didn't we, old sport?
Well, what happened
with Zoe last night?
What about it?
I mean, why was she in your room
instead of
with her soon-to-be husband?
You want to know the truth,
Marshall?
Yeah. I want to know the truth.
To make a long story short,
she's not sure she wants
to marry this asshole after all.
Seriously?
Seriously.
She's saying she's thinking
about calling off
the whole frickin' wedding.
God, she's a very
complicated woman, Marshall.
Yeah, it seems that way.
Buddy, I know this is
the last thing you need.
I would not have ever come
down here in the first place
if I knew she was gonna go nuts
on me like this.
That's okay.
At least we can leave now, right?
I can't.
Why not?
Because I have to stay here
until she figures
this whole thing out.
I'm all she has.
She's all alone in the world.
You know, who's she gonna
talk to... Uncle Teddy?
In the meantime, why don't you
go take a power nap?
I'll go downstairs and have them
whip you up some eggs.
Still like your yolks cut out?
You look like a little prince
right now, by the way.
I love you.
La, la, la, la, la, la, lies
You can't repeat
what you put 'round
All the things that made me cry
Hey there.
Um, good morning.
Who would I speak to
about getting some... getting...
...maybe getting some eggs?
Um... one minute.
Oh!
I've got my girl
and together we're strong
Strong
To laugh at you
and prove you wrong
I don't insist that you feel bad
I just want to make you smile
Don't ever think you...
Morning, gang!
Is this the cool section?
Hi. Is it morning already?
Wow.
It just sneaks up on you.
You sleep at all, pal?
Perfect amount.
How about you?
No, not one bit.
I've been working on this all night.
Check it out.
It's a cock.
I know, Teddy.
How exactly do you know
this Sam character, anyway?
It all seems a bit mysterious.
I-I was in New York.
I bumped into him.
He's a writer.
He sends me his stories, and...
I give him notes.
Gives me something to do.
You totally fucked him, didn't you?
He's a bit young, dear.
No. No, we're friends.
We're pen pals.
If you want to know how the sex is,
I think you got to ask Margaret.
Hmm?
- Shut up.
- What?
You complete old slag!
Well, come on, then, tell us.
Was he any good?
Well, if... if holding him
while he wept
because some girl
broke his heart is good, then, um...
yeah, it was great.
Best I've ever had.
Wow.
Yeah, he's, um...
he's an intense young man.
Very emotional.
- Hi, girls. Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Still here, are we?
Good morning.
I made you a little present.
Here. If I would've known
you were getting married,
I would've gotten you something
like a blender or a set of knives,
but that'll do.
Look, Zo, it's got your name on it.
Yeah, it does.
Thank you.
- Hey, there.
- Hmm?
We had a fun night last night,
didn't we?
We did.
How are you feeling?
Better, thanks.
Seriously, who are you,
and why are you here?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Enjoying your breakfast,
you snakes in the grass?
If you're gonna film me
waking up in the morning,
you should wake up before me.
It's not brain science.
Discuss it with Spider.
I'm done.
God, look at this table
of gorgeous ladies.
- Morning, darling.
- Lady of the house.
Big Sam.
Hey, morning, Teddy.
You look rested.
I made this
for your wedding.
It's your portrait.
It's a big skinny penis with balls.
I spent a lot of time on it.
Nice shorts, pal.
- Oh, that's funny.
- Oh...
I think he likes me.
Finally.
Where were you last night?
Oh, I couldn't sleep.
I worked on my vows.
Come here.
What is that hideous thing
around your neck?
It's a wedding present from Sam.
Look. Isn't that pretty?
Yours is in the mail, slick.
Sam.
Why don't you come and take a ride
with me down the beach?
Looks like Teddy blew off
all the fireworks last night,
and we need some more
for the reception.
Come on. It'll be fun.
Okay.
- Don't go.
- Yep.
Have fun.
Give it to me.
Right here, right here.
Hi.
You okay?
Hey!
You know, Zoe left one of your stories
lying around the house,
and I finally had
a chance to read it...
the one about the koala bear
in the Central Park Zoo.
Really? Why would you do that?
You know, Sam,
you're not half bad.
Your writing has a lot of character.
I will say, though, that
that adorable koala bear
got kind of annoying,
with the whingeing and the moaning,
and I'm not sure
it's a good story for children.
Well, you're not exactly
my target demo,
but I take that as a compliment.
Are you as much a romantic
in your real life
as you are in your work?
I certainly try.
I consider myself a realist,
more concerned
with the human condition.
I'm sure you can tell that
from my body of work. It's...
It's a bit lbsenesque, I suppose.
Anyway, I admire that quality
in your writing.
Although I've never really
been much of a reader.
All Zoe does is read.
All day, all night, she'll read
anything you put in front of her.
It's quite sweet, really.
It's why... it's why she likes
someone like you.
Because I'm working
so much of the time,
it's difficult for me
to cater to all of Zoe's...
...interests.
That's our Zoe, isn't it?
She's mad!
She decides she wants
to learn tennis, she learns tennis!
She goes to all the matches,
practices every day,
she develops a nice backhand.
Her goddamn instructor moved in
with us one summer.
And then one day,
she decides tennis is a dull sport,
a game for spoiled aristocrats,
and she wants nothing more
to do with it.
Last summer, it was dragonflies.
She was obsessed with the things.
Studied them, painted them,
took courses on them,
and then one day, poof.
No more dragonflies.
Yeah, I didn't even know
she liked dragonflies.
Well, she doesn't, Sam.
Not anymore.
It's okay, just hold still.
All done.
Sam tell you a lot about me?
Well, I mean, Sam and I
are pretty much brothers, so...
he tells me practically everything.
I hope not.
You know, I'm not sure
that Sam ever told me
the whole story of how you two met.
Uh, I was, um...
I was in New York with Whit,
the premiere of his film.
I think it was
"A Tale of Two Villages."
And we got into a terrible fight
at the Ziegfeld,
and I stormed out of the theater
into the pouring rain.
I was a mess.
And suddenly the rain
stopped hitting me.
I looked up...
...and it was Sam,
without an umbrella...
...holding a copy
of The New York Observer
over my head.
Guess it must have been
a Wednesday.
I guess so.
We spent the entire night together.
When it came time
to say our good-byes...
he asked me to be his pen pal.
Sure enough, two weeks later,
I receive this epic
10-page letter from Sam.
And I made the mistake
of writing him back.
Sorry.
What am I talking about?
So, what was the plan?
He was gonna...
come all the way out here
and propose to me
in front of everyone?
I-I don't know.
That is so stupid.
I guess that's why
he brought the ring, right?
He brought a ring?
Zoe left me once.
Did you know that?
No. I had no idea.
Of course you didn't.
No one does.
She's very good at keeping secrets,
isn't she?
Yeah, apparently.
Who was the guy?
He was some songwriter.
Played the tambourine or something.
What did you do?
I let her leave.
Now, what would you have done, Sam,
if you were me?
If I were you...
...I'd have gone after her.
I guess I just don't feel the need
to chase girls
around the schoolyard anymore.
She came back, didn't she?
Of course she did.
She always does.
Well, do you want to get back
and get those fireworks, or...?
Huh?
Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll send an intern or something.
Tell me, Sam, have you
ever had a lime Rickey?
All right, all right, line up,
you gorgeous people.
Every year for my birthday,
we throw a paper chase.
You all know the rules.
First team to gather up
as many little pieces of paper
as you can wins the race,
and you get to kiss a pretty girl.
And you all stand a chance
this year,
'cause I pulled a hammy
when I was chasing an impala
back in the bush.
All right, may the best team win.
You promised me we were leaving.
I already packed up the car.
We are gonna leave,
just as soon as we win this race,
or whatever the hell it is.
Sam, I can't participate
in a three-legged race
when my foot is like this.
What happened to your foot?
I stepped on a martini glass.
Well, why would you do that?
Conditions are rough this year,
but thanks for playing. It keeps it fun.
All right, someone take this.
All right, Zoe, let's get this going.
We need to hit a rhythm, Marshall.
I can't hit a rhythm
when my foot is bleeding, Sam.
Come on, as many as you can.
Here, put them all in the basket.
Everything you get,
put in the basket.
Come on, Marshall,
keep up with me.
We got to beat Whit and his African.
You all right, Sam?
Doing great!
Can't run with the big dogs
and piss with the puppies.
It looks like we're doing all right.
Come on, hurry up!
I don't understand
the point of this game.
No, I don't either, dear.
Never mind, eh?
Come on, Whit!
Here we go, just get all
the little papers you can get.
Thank you. If you could please
leave our area, Whit!
Babe, I think I'm winning!
This is the stupidest game
I've ever seen.
Quit trying to be quick
when my foot is bleeding.
This is our area right here.
- Ow!
- Marshall!
I don't even get what the point
of this game is!
Marshall, I have no idea
what the point of the game is,
but I think we're in the lead
by half a basket.
- You're a liar.
- Oh, Marshall, pick up your skirt.
- Wait, what?
- You're a liar. You lied to me.
About what?
The only reason
we went on this vacation
is 'cause you're completely
in love with that lady.
- Admit it!
- Marshall, shh!
- Zoe told me everything herself.
- Shh, shh!
- You lied to her about the postcard.
- Okay, okay.
And you lied to me
about wanting to be a good friend.
Marshall, okay, I understand
how this may seem,
and you're right, I haven't been
completely honest with you,
but you got to understand,
it's very complicated right now.
Whit... Whit just told me
that Zoe left him once.
She left him once,
and she'll leave him again, okay?
The man is threatened by me,
I can tell.
Look at him,
he's practically running scared.
I love this game! I'm a machine!
Marshall, this man
is playing mind games with me.
I am at war with this man
right now, okay?
You cannot let him tear us apart.
We are on the same team, pal.
No, we're not.
We were never on the same team.
You just gaslighted me
because you knew
that no one else
would ever be a part of this.
- Shh!
- And because I have a car.
And now I have
a martini glass in my foot,
and you have yet to apologize!
Marshall, Jesus Christ,
what are you doing with your knife?
Marshall, don't quit.
Marshall, that's your birthday present.
What are you doing?
No, it's not.
It's Noah Bressman's.
Okay, pal.
Don't worry, I'm gonna win
this goddamn race for you, okay?
Take care of that foot.
I'll meet you back later.
I'm getting my shoes back, okay?
Oh, God, yeah,
look at all this.
It don't come easy
Come on, Sam, you can't play alone!
You're up for disqualification!
Disqualification!
It don't come easy
Here we go.
You know it don't come easy
Game's not over yet, Marshall!
Come on, mate!
Got to pay your dues
if you want to sing the blues
And you know it don't come easy
You don't have to shout
or leap about
You can even play them easy
Forget about...
Hi, Marshmallow.
Your foot is bleeding.
Yeah. Um, do you know
where Teddy is?
I need to find him
so I can get my shoes.
Oh, well, you can sit here with us.
We're just... we're putting shells
in the colander.
No, that's okay,
I think I'd like to find Teddy
so I can get my shoes
and get out of here.
Okay, well, he was right over there.
He went to go find dolphins.
Okay, uh...
I don't see him anywhere.
You sure you don't want to help?
We could always use
an extra set of paws.
No.
Open up your heart
Come together
Hey!
Hey! Get some help!
Teddy!
Teddy!
I got you! I got you!
I got him!
Help!
Help!
Teddy! Teddy, wake up!
Teddy!
Help!
Teddy!
All right, Marshall, stand aside!
We've got it!
Teddy!
Help him! Help him!
- Get him up! Get him up!
- He's not breathing!
Give him some space! Back off!
I saved him. I saved his life.
- What are you staring at?!
- Breathe for me, Teddy.
Call an ambulance!
Teddy!
- Come on, Teddy, please!
- One, two, three, four.
Teddy! Come on, Teddy!
Teddy, please!
Please, Teddy!
Not today.
- Come on, Teddy, come on.
- Teddy!
Yeah, mate, get it all out.
Spit it up, spit it up.
That's it, that's it.
Turn him over.
Teddy!
All right, everyone,
he's all right, he's all right.
Did I go under?
That's our man.
He's all right.
Yes! Yes!
You can't do that!
- Let's go, eh?
- I'm okay.
Come on, love,
let me take care of him.
- All right, let's go.
- God damn you, Teddy!
Up, up, up, up, up.
I did it, everybody! I did it!
I'm alive!
Thank you all for your help.
You've all been real stars.
Drama's over.
Are you okay?
Stop it, Sam!
Are you mad at me?
It's not about you, Sam.
It's all right. It's all right.
It's gonna be all right.
Come on, love.
Come on, my love.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
You have nothing to be sorry about.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
No, no, no, Marshall, you can't leave!
I need you here!
I am going home.
These people...
these are bad people, Sam.
They're irresponsible. They're like...
they're like babies with money.
Marshall, I apologize
that I made you do the paper chase
with your bad foot,
but I honestly thought we had
a shot at winning the thing.
We never had a shot, Sam,
and I-I can't just stand by
and watch you do this
to yourself anymore.
I'm not gonna be
a supporting character
in your pathetic little story.
It's unoriginal.
You are not Holden Crawford.
All right, first of all, it's Holden...
Marshall, please, don't use
metaphors with me right now.
Please, okay?
You... you are a bad man.
You are. You're a bad person.
You came here to ruin
a poor woman's marriage,
and you preyed upon a broken man
and your former best friend
in the process.
Oh, my God, Marshall!
And you had no right to do that!
You had no right!
Marshall, shut up! Shut up!
I am sick and tired of hearing
about your misfortune.
And the way you decide
to divulge this information
to anybody who's willing to listen...
it's depressing.
What is that supposed to mean?
Marshall, you got
pistol-whipped... once.
I'm sorry it happened,
and it's a shame,
but it happens
to somebody new every day,
and they move on with their lives.
You complain!
I was assaulted!
A man came at me from behind
with a gun
and beat me,
and then stole all of my money!
That's what I mean...
it's always a new excuse
to not move out of your parents' house,
to not get a new job.
Marshall, don't you realize
you should be thanking me right now?
I took you on an adventure.
Do you think that these people
care about you?
I don't care.
You have nothing
to offer them, Sam!
You're just a mistress!
And if you had just come to me
and told me your feelings,
I would've listened to you,
and I would've told you
you were a fool.
But, instead, you decided
to use and to lie to me.
And that's just sick and disgusting!
I'm your best friend!
Oh. And this, Sam.
You think this is really
gonna impress her?
Give that back.
You're young, you're poor,
and, honestly, you're a shitty writer.
Yeah?
I used to look up to you.
Marshall, you're a year and a half
older than me.
Shut up.
My God, Sam,
what happened to your face?
I fell down the stairs.
We should have the paramedics
take a look at you if they're still here.
Your nose looks crooked.
No, it's fine.
It's always been like that.
All right, come on.
- All right.
- Thanks.
So the gents are off
to the woods for the night.
It's a 200-year-old tradition
for the men in my family
to sleep under the stars
before a wedding.
- Oh.
- You should come.
Oh, no.
That... that sounds great, Whit.
I think I'm just gonna stay here
and hold down the fort.
Come on.
I'll let you shoot my gun.
Yeah, I'd love to shoot your gun,
trust me,
but I'm just gonna keep it close,
battle the elements here.
So Big Sam has bravely
offered to stay back
and look after our women.
Let's go, men.
Up spoke the captain
of our gallant ship
And a fine old man was he
I'm pretty sure he doesn't
even think you're that funny,
which I happen to find to be
one of your best qualities.
The man also admitted to me
out loud that he hates reading.
And I know you think
I'm young and irrational,
and I am in some ways,
but at least I appreciate you
for your best qualities.
You know, I-I made
some terrible mistakes,
and I probably alienated
the majority of people
who were close to me,
but I did that because I love you.
And that's what love is, isn't it?
You could just give me a chance.
At least where we could live together
for an extended period of time,
where I could make some money
and buy you things,
and we could
develop hobbies together.
I could very easily spend
the rest of my life with you.
And I know you feel the same way.
I could be the father
of your children.
I should be the father
of your children.
There should be half of me
in your children.
Who are you talking to, Sam?
It's 6:00 in the morning.
Oh.
I was talking to you.
How long were you, uh...?
You want to go for a walk?
You want to marry me?
I never had a chance
to thank Marshall
for saving Teddy's life.
Will you tell him for me
when you see him?
I don't think we'll be seeing
each other for quite a while.
Did I cause all this?
No.
I mean, yes.
Technically, it is your fault.
But I think I'm mostly to blame,
you know.
I'm sorry I snapped at you
earlier on the beach.
I was just a little emotional.
I'm sorry for being so insensitive
about your brother almost dying.
Did you and Whit
have a nice buggy ride?
Whit told me you used
to like dragonflies.
I never knew that about you.
I loved them.
That was just a phase.
Everyone has phases.
I don't.
When I love something,
I stick with it.
- I'm a very convicted person.
- Hmm.
I don't just throw things away
whenever I lose interest.
That's a very admirable trait, Sam.
You know, you don't have
to marry this guy, Zoe.
I'm too tall for you, Sam.
I'm serious.
Don't put yourself through this.
You don't understand.
I don't... I want to.
I don't believe you.
If you wanted to,
you would've done it already.
- There's a very good...
- I'm asking you...
You haven't even written
your vows yet.
Please, don't make this harder
than it already is!
Wh-why do you want
to marry Whit?
Give me one good reason...
I'll leave.
It's not that easy.
Well, it should be!
You used to tell me you didn't
even believe in marriage.
Things change.
People grow up.
- I've grown up.
- Oh, you've grown up?
Sneaking into my room
in the middle of the night barefoot?
You... go ahead.
I'm gonna ruin your wedding
in front of everyone, that's it.
How are you gonna do that?
I will tell Whit
every single thing about us
from the night in the rain until the...
Whit knows.
What does that mean?
Whit knows.
He's always known.
H-how?
Because he's not an idiot.
I don't... I don't...
I don't understand.
Why... why would he
let me stay here?
Because he loves me.
He trusts me.
Because you're not
a real threat, Sam.
I am in love with you,
and you love me!
And that's it! This is love!
That's not love! That is bullshit!
Right?
Answer me.
Are you in love with me,
or am I just dragonflies?
So that's it, then?
I'm just a phase?
I know all
about your tambourine player.
So you just love everyone, huh?
You just flit around and love
everything without consequence?
Wow, that's a big problem, Zoe!
And Whit lets you get away with it?
Shut up! Shut up!
How did you see this ending?
Quick, Sam.
Tell me your amazing plan.
What's our move?
Should I go upstairs
and pack a suitcase,
jump into your friend's station wagon
and run away with you
to a one-bedroom apartment?
I'm sure you can provide
for the little ones and me
with all the money you've made
from your wildly successful
children's stories.
Better yet, why don't we hop
on a whale together
and go live under the sea?
I can see you really
thought this through.
I can't be your mermaid, Sam.
I'm too selfish.
You mean "shellfish"?
You're just a child.
Really, really cool.
Oh, my God.
Film that. Right there.
The saddest boy alive.
Sammy.
Teddy.
You're here.
I'm here.
That would have been bad.
No, but I'm feeling a lot better, man.
The doctor said,
you know, stay hydrated,
so that's what I plan on doing.
Cheers.
How you doing?
It's the lowest point
of my life, actually.
Oh, come on, pal.
It ain't that bad.
No, it's pretty bad.
Look, Sammy.
I know it's hard, but, you know,
from what I've heard,
it's important to have perspective
in these moments
and just let it go, man.
Just let it...
You know?
You know, it's... it's easier said
than done, though.
Yeah, that's... hey.
Look, pally, how old are you?
I'm 23 and a half.
23? Just a baby.
Look at it like this.
In a couple years,
that old sun's gonna burn out,
and we're all gonna be dead.
And you're gonna be what, 27?
Right?
Now what, man?
Teddy, you're being
very profound right now.
Well, I'm sober.
You have a beer in your hand.
Come on.
Give these to Marshall.
Tell that boy thanks
for saving my life, all right?
He has such little feet.
Yeah, but he's strong.
All right, Teddy, I'll see ya.
Yeah, I'll see you, too.
Hey, Sammy.
Let's end this right, pal.
All right?
Come on, man.
The good guys sometimes win.
I don't know how good I am, Teddy.
Yeah, but you're young.
And you're good, pally.
Actually, I really needed that.
Thank you.
Po-o-o-w.
Mm, mm, mm
It's carbon and monoxide
The ol' Detroit perfume
It hangs on the highways
in the morning
And it lays you down by noon
Oh, papa hobo
You can see that I'm dressed
like a schoolboy
But I feel like a clown
It's a natural reaction
I learned in this basketball town
Oh, I forgot my vows.
- Here, come on. Let's go.
- But there's nothing...
They're perfect, Zoe.
Come on, let's go.
Sweep up
I been sweeping up
the tips I've made
I'm living on Gatorade
Planning my getaway
Detroit, Detroit
Got a hell of a hockey team
Got a left-handed way
of making a man
Sign up on that automotive dream
Oh, yeah
Oh, papa, papa hobo
Could you slip me a ride?
Well, it's just after breakfast,
I'm in the road
And the weatherman lied
Ooh, ah
La, be, do, be, da
Ba, ba, ba, ah, ah
Ba, ba, ba
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ba, ba, ba
Hi. Uh, my name is Marshall.
We met in the closet earlier.
We've been making eye contact
all weekend.
You have a ladybug in your hair.
Um, anyway, I was just...
Uh, thanks.
What happened back there?
I, um... asked the sad maid
for her phone number.
Did you really?
What did she say?
No.
It's her loss.
You find out
why she's so sad all the time?
No. She, uh... she didn't
speak English very well.
She's a real ponine, isn't she?
Hey...
Look at me, buddy.
I'm really sorry that I haven't
called you back in a year.
I've been a bit
of an absentee best friend.
You're an asshole, Sam.
I know.
You've been a terrible
and a cruel friend to me.
And you said things
over these past few days
that I don't think
you can ever take back.
I know that.
And you've taken
a lot of my money.
Marshall...
I know.
And I'm sorry.
Just...
I don't think I've been
completely honest with myself.
I'm just a... joke.
I think I'd like to start seeing
your therapist maybe.
I think that'd be a really good idea.
By the way,
your hair looks fantastic.
Thank you.
So, uh, how'd it go with Zoe?
Oh, I ruined her wedding.
You've written vows?
Um...
Yes, I...
When I think
of all the good times
That I've wasted
Having good times
When I think of all the good time
that's been wasted
Having good times
When I was drinking
I should have been thinking
It's all right, love.
When I was fighting
I could have done the right thing
All of that boozin'
I was really losin'
Good times
Yes, here we all are,
having a jolly good time.
And everything is working out fine.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Useless talkin'
All of that walkin'
All of my sinnin'
I could have been winnin'
I have it too easy
And it's a beginning
of good times
Good times
I said good times
Talking 'bout good times