I hadn't planned on becoming a hero
when I walked onto that bridge...
...but this is a story
about how none of my plans work out.
And how, really, that's a good thing.
This whole mess started yesterday
when Avnet came into my shop.
- You open?
- Yeah, I'm open.
Doesn't seem like it.
Haircut? I need a haircut.
Haircut, yeah.
What kind of haircut would you like?
A quick haircut. I have stuff I have to do.
Just like that is fine. See that?
- Would you like a magazine to look at?
- Yeah.
Golden.
"Cops Out of Uniform"?
I hope none of these pages
are stuck together.
I turned right to it.
Where's our...
There she is.
Baby.
I'd do this...
I'd make a rubby, I'd make a spanky...
She could strip-search me,
but she's still a fucking cop.
- This weather is really something, isn't it?
- Hey, no small talk.
Did you hear about those coins
that were stolen from the museum...
...Shiny New Enemies?
What did they say?
Sounds like professionals?
The paper said that it was kind of botched.
The robbers almost got caught.
Can we please stick to the haircut?
Hey, look, a customer.
Must be your lucky day.
Karen, hi.
I thought I told you
not to use the back door.
Whatever. I have a little favor to ask you.
I need someone to take care of my affairs.
I'm going out of town.
Pick up the paper, water my plants,
walk and feed my precious little Dave.
You being my ex-husband,
I thought you would be the logical choice.
Karen, I'm not your ex-husband.
I'm still your husband.
We're just separated.
I took care of that problem.
I filed for divorce this morning.
Divorce?
What did you do? I'm bleeding.
I'm technically bleeding.
- Here.
- What's your fucking problem?
Look at this.
I'm sorry,
my wife is in the process of leaving me...
Your ex-wife.
I'm scarred for life. Look at that.
It's just a scratch. You'd be surprised
how resilient ears can be.
Just keep the pressure on. I'm sorry.
- Can we talk about this in private, please?
- Do we have to?
- What happened to the hair?
- Don't worry, this won't take long.
Nothing with Kresk ever does.
Barber?
I'm going to make a phone call
with my good ear...
...but be back by the time I'm done. Go!
Bollingsworth, Avnet here.
Will you put the scissors down?
You're making me nervous.
Divorce? It sounds so...
...final. Can we at least talk about this?
What's the point? I'm really sick of you.
It puts a damper on our relationship.
But what about the reconciliation
that our counselor was talking about?
Fuck reconciliation.
It might interest you to know
I'm going to Italy with our counselor.
You're sleeping with Dr. Kenny?
I like to think of it as therapy.
Here.
Dave needs one of these pills twice a day
or he will bloat up and die.
And, Kresk, try not to fuck this up. Ciao.
Dr. Kenny?
I'll mail the letter, go back to my place
and get those Shiny New Enemies.
Then I'm going to surprise my lady
with the good news.
Then we're going to France to see
how the European papers cover your trial.
Goodbye, Bollingsworth, old man.
You little eavesdropper.
What?
I see what you're doing. You're listening.
I didn't hear anything about those...
Wow, this isn't your lucky day, barber.
Your wife is leaving you and...
...I'm killing you.
I'm not going to tell anybody.
I know that, but I must tell you one thing
before I kill you.
I've never met a worse barber in my life.
By killing you,
I'm doing "barberism" a huge favor.
It's just a scratch.
911, what's your emergency?
Hello? Hello?
Wait.
I'm really sorry
about the scissors-in-the-neck thing.
Asshole.
Don't!
Are you okay?
Don't touch him! Don't.
I should've called an ambulance,
or called the cops.
I should've done a lot of things...
...but I couldn't stop thinking
about the Shiny New Enemies.
I turned to my oldest friend, Andy Brower...
...a guy who had the skills
to handle a situation like this.
- Why do I need that?
- It's a Timber Scout's best friend.
Why do you think they call it an ax?
- Think about it.
- Hey, Andy.
Kresk, long time no see.
Finally relenting?
Relenting?
Finally come to ask me
to take you on a trip.
You're in luck.
Next weekend, I'm going down the lakes
to spy some Ringrobin Sapstrongers.
It's their mating season.
That sounds like fun.
But, actually,
I came in here to ask you a favor.
Whatever it is, can do. Timber Scout.
This is a pretty big favor.
Hang on a second.
- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm trying to tie a box knot.
Yeah?
Does this look like a box knot to you?
- No.
- Damn right it doesn't!
What if you're in the woods
and there's a bear and it's dark...
...and you're about to be eaten...
...and you need to tie a box knot
with your trembling little baby hands...
...to save your sorry ass,
but you can't do it?
Because you're a wuss.
You're a wom, all right? You are a puss!
You're a drossy little girl!
Know what?
You don't deserve any of these patches.
Unless they're for crying. Give me!
Get out of here!
Kids today.
They can't even learn the simplest things.
What was that favor about?
You killed him with a hair dryer?
Yeah, it appears so.
The way to use the resources
you had handy.
Okay, what we need to do now
is get rid of the body.
Right. All right. Good idea. Okay.
I know a deserted place down by the river.
All right. Here we are.
Here's the perfect place
to drop this commie piece of shit.
Wait. I thought you said
that nobody would be here.
Don't worry.
We'll wait for a lull in the joggers...
...then carry him to the water.
Okay, okay.
This is insane, but okay.
Put his foot on your foot.
Good. Just act natural.
He's walking.
Andy, this place is no good.
Okay, so maybe I haven't earned
my body dumping badge yet.
Any suggestions where we can dump
your body that's vacant and available?
Get him in!
Don't, Dave!
It was the perfect plan.
Store the body at Karen's
for the time being, and feed the dog.
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait, I have to feed the dog.
Come on! I'm going to give you your pill.
A lot of people think wine coolers
are a lady's drink.
Come here, Dave.
...just as messed up as beer does.
Bad!
- They're great to take on camping trips.
- Dave, where's my ring?
Plus, the vitamin C content is...
What are you doing?
I was just checking to see
if our new friend...
..."Zachary Seymour Avnet"...
...had any cash to donate
to the Andy Brower fund.
Come on. Don't. Put it back.
I didn't find any cash, but I did find this.
Look.
He's a card-carrying member
of the John Birch Society.
I don't know if you're familiar
with their philosophy.
This man did not come into your shop
and yell communist slogans.
It's about time
you start telling Andy Brower the truth.
Okay, Andy.
I'm sorry. I was going to save this
as a surprise, but...
...you and I are about to become
very rich men.
- What do you mean?
- Just grab his keys. Come on.
I hadn't intended on dragging Andy
into this mess, but...
...I figured he could use
a couple of million dollars.
This Avnet guy was a pig.
How are we going to find a couple of coins
in this mess?
We'll tear this place apart.
This place makes me sick.
I'm going to clean up.
Andy, no, you're not.
We don't have enough time.
We've got time, the guy's dead.
Fine, you do what you want.
I'll find the coins.
Hey, sugar, I'm glad you're home.
Who the hell are you?
We're the cleaners.
We're the cleaners.
- Cleaners?
- Merit Badge Cleaning.
- And we're here to clean.
- Yeah.
We're going to vacuum.
Did you get the vacuum?
I left it in the van.
- We'll go down to the van...
- Bullshit! That is bullshit.
What are you doing with Avnet's keys?
We had to get in.
Zachary Seymour Avnet.
I'm going to call the police,
because y'all is lying.
Don't do that.
- We're the cleaners.
- Put it down! Put it down!
- Put it down!
- Oh, shit!
Enough talking, all right?
Just tell us where the treasure is.
I don't know nothing about no treasure.
You know damn well
what I'm talking about, lady!
I think it's a guy.
You're a transvestite?
Yeah.
That is a sin against God!
That is a sin against country!
Come on, let's just go.
We're just going to go.
Wait one second.
Not only are you an abomination...
...but you are the ugliest transvestite
I've ever seen.
Fuck you! That tears it!
I'm the best...
Andy. I got the coins.
I got the coins. Andy?
I got the coins.
Fireman's carry. Like a fireman.
Okay, come on.
Bollingsworth here.
Hello, Bollingsworth, it's Mikey.
I know you told me never to call
your mansion, but this is important.
I'm at Avnet's, but he got away
before I could finish him off.
Don't worry, I'll get him.
Hello? Hello?
How did I ever get into this mess?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, Mr. Avnet.
Get up here.
- There you are.
- Quick!
I dressed in black as you instructed.
I even brought the black Jaguar.
I'm ready to heist away.
Remember now...
...you're not here to heist away.
Just to watch.
I want to be part of the action.
I want to ruin Melander Stevens
with my bare hands.
You really hate that Melander Stevens,
don't you?
Yes.
I hate Melander Stevens.
The Shiny New Enemies...
...are my crowning achievement
as director of the museum.
A feat you would never have been able
to pull off, my dear Bolly.
You don't know Mandarin like I do.
The coins are coming in tonight.
You must have arranged
quite a lot of security for their arrival.
That's the trick.
I've announced the coins are coming in
Monday morning, in an armed escort.
They're actually arriving tonight,
under cover of darkness...
...in a regular delivery truck.
It's genius.
True genius.
No one will ever steal them
as long as I'm director of the museum.
Yes, I'm sure no one will.
Excuse me.
I heard you are
one of the craziest motherfuckers around.
What do you want, Mr. Businessman?
I wondered if you wanted
to make an obscene amount of cash.
- You're serious, aren't you?
- I never make light of money.
Do I have to have sex with you?
I certainly hope not.
Look, Mr. Avnet...
...let me buy you a gimlet
and perhaps I can explain.
What's your angle?
I mean, obviously you have a ton of money.
You don't need these coins.
It's perfectly simple to explain.
Melander Stevens is my worst enemy.
For example, he was made Grand Boar
at the Hunter's Club without a single kill.
He stole the stewardship of
the Mahjong Society from under my nose.
Recently, he bought the directorship
of the museum...
...a position that was rightfully mine...
...with the donation
of a decidedly questionable Gainsborough.
- I haven't understood a word you've said.
- I hate him.
He cheats...
...and he chews with his mouth open.
This robbery will absolutely ruin him.
But how are we going to fence these...
...ancient Chinese coins?
- "Fence"?
- Get rid of. Sell.
Yes, fence.
There are several disreputable collectors
in France...
...that would pay a pretty penny
for these coins.
The coins should be here any minute now.
When the van gets here,
I'll handle everything.
- No, I must be involved to the utmost.
- Fine, fine.
You asked for it.
Don't blame me if things get rough.
We agreed upon no rough stuff.
Take your hand off me,
before I rip it off.
If it gets rough...
...it gets rough.
You brought a sandwich to a heist?
Pastrami on rye. It's my favorite.
Care for a bite?
- Caraway seeds.
- It's good, isn't it?
Get out, get out! Now!
In front of the car! On your knees!
Hands on your heads!
- Avnet, don't do anything rash.
- Hey, pipe down!
Are you carrying
those ancient Chinese coins?
Answer me.
One...
...two...
...three, four, five.
Oh, God!
- Yes, we have the coins.
- Right.
Where's the key to the back of the truck?
- They're on my belt.
- Give me!
- Why did you kill those two men?
- That's your fault.
The number one rule of thievery:
There are no witnesses,
especially ones who have heard your name.
Are these those Shiny New Enemies?
Yes, those are they.
What's the number one rule of thievery?
Wait a minute. You can't kill me.
I have the gun, you have the brain
the bullet lodges in. Simple arithmetic.
What about the fencing?
I have to fence the coins.
You told me what to do.
I'll just go to France
and look for disreputable people.
How hard can that be?
If you let me live, I'll make you a rich man.
I am a rich man.
Goodbye, Bollingsworth.
Two men dead, Bolly.
Two men.
And the coins are gone.
And it's all my fault.
I'm ruined. Ruined.
I'm sure they'll be returned.
I can't believe this...
...cocksucker, or cocksuckers...
...knew about the secret delivery.
How the hell did that get out?
I'll have to remember
every single soul I told.
Well, Stevens...
...it could be anybody.
Perhaps the thieves just happened
to be driving by at the right time.
That's highly unlikely, don't you think?
Sergeant Kolko.
What a pleasant surprise.
Good morning, Mr. Stevens.
Sergeant Kolko,
this is Robert Bollingsworth, an old friend.
Bolly, this is Sergeant Meredith Kolko.
She's heading the robbery investigation.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Please, sit.
So, any leads?
- That's what they say, isn't it? Leads?
- Yes, it is "leads. "
We know two people were involved.
But I heard there were no witnesses.
That's right...
...but I discovered this
at the scene of the crime.
- What is it?
- A sandwich.
Pastrami on rye.
But not your common pastrami on rye.
This is bakery fresh bread
with two types of seeds:
Poppy and caraway.
Just like the one you're eating now.
No fingerprints...
...but we have two distinct sets
of teeth marks.
Will you make everyone in the city
take a bite till you find the culprits?
Not a bad idea, Mr. Bollingsworth.
Maybe we should start with you.
Sergeant Kolko is infamous
down at the station house.
It's rumored that she has a sixth sense
when it comes to tracking criminals.
I like to think my success rate
has something to do with my persistence.
You do always get your man.
That's what it said in Playboy.
She's been in Playboy.
The best looking cop
I've had the pleasure to meet.
Her turn-ons include horseback riding,
skydiving and strong cheese.
Mr. Stevens,
let's keep our minds on the robbery.
- Bollingsworth here.
- Bollingsworth, it's Avnet here.
- Hello, Mayor.
- Mayor? No, it's...
- It's the mayor.
- ... Avnet. You threw a sandwich at me?
What do you want? I haven't spoken
to the authorities, and I'm not going to.
You've got the coins...
- ... let's just call it even.
- Or, how about this?
I am going to speak to the authorities
about you.
I'm going to watch you, Mr. Successful,
stand trial for murder...
...while I'm out spending all the money.
- Tasty?
- No, it isn't.
I'll go back to my place and get those...
...Shiny New Enemies. Then I'll surprise
my lady with the good news.
Then we're going to France.
I hope the European papers
cover your trial.
Goodbye, Bollingsworth, old man.
Wait.
My God.
I got it.
- Shooting gallery.
- Hello, Mr. Haas?
Bollingsworth here.
I need a favor. A rather large favor.
Hello, Bollingsworth.
You're Mikey?
- You're the man Mr. Haas sent?
- Let me get us another chair.
Is this chair being used?
Does it look like it's being used?
"Does it look like it's being used? "
That's a good one.
Now it's being used.
I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
I got another chair.
So, you want somebody rubbed out?
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but you seem rather young...
...for this type of business.
Don't worry. I get that all the time.
But just because I'm young
doesn't mean I'm inexperienced.
I hate to brag, but...
...do you remember Senator Dove?
Room Service.
Senator Dove was one of yours?
Like I said, I hate to brag.
So back to the matter at hand.
Who do you want bumped?
A man called Avnet.
And I'm afraid I don't really know much
about him.
He stole something from me.
He's usually found loitering
around A.J.'s Arsenal.
- Don't worry, I can find him.
- And, Mikey...
...there's an air of expediency
about the whole procedure.
- You want him killed quick?
- Yes, straight away.
This afternoon.
It's your lucky day.
I'm not busy this afternoon.
Things were really starting to go my way.
Sure, I'd accidentally killed a man...
...and my best friend was out cold
on my couch, but...
...I was a millionaire.
All I had to do was sell the coins
and start living my fabulous new life.
Hey, Jeannie.
Oh, my God, it's Andy Brower?
Yeah, good old Andy.
I thought that guy
would be locked up by now.
Yeah, he's had a pretty hard day.
Too much to drink and wine coolers...
So, is something wrong?
Yes, something's wrong.
Something's always wrong.
Mark left me.
What a coincidence.
Karen filed for divorce this morning.
Can we concentrate on me?
Karen moved out two years ago.
Yeah, okay.
What are you doing here?
My husband leaves me and my brother
wonders why I'm bothering him about it.
This is a great country.
What I meant was...
...if you need a shoulder to cry on,
go to one of your friends, like Shelley.
Mark left me for Shelley.
Okay, then that's a pretty bad idea.
Kresk, I need you to take Scottie
off my hands for a few days.
No way. That little bastard hates me.
- Scottie, get a broom and clean that up!
- Yeah, now!
Hey, don't yell at my son.
Listen, it's just for a few days, Kresk.
I don't think I can take him for a few hours.
You'll be fine. Just be careful,
because he will eat anything.
- Great.
- Good luck.
- Baby, come here. Give Mamma a kiss.
- Screw you.
All right, bye-bye.
Hey, Scottie.
- Well, I guess it's just you and me, buddy.
- I hate you.
Scottie, can you just...
- Yeah?
- Hi.
- Is this Lester's 24-hour pawn shop?
- Yeah.
Great, I have some coins
that I'd like to pawn.
What kind of coins?
Hold on. Scottie, put those down.
Put them down.
- How old are they?
- Sorry.
They're really old.
Can you be more specific?
I'd say around Ming Dynasty or so.
You kidding me?
- Wait.
- Hello?
My God! The coins!
You idiot!
The culprits appear to be coins.
Probably some quarters.
What's going to happen to those quarters?
Are they going to stay
in his stomach forever, or what?
No, nothing stays in your stomach forever.
He'll pass them in a few days
when nature takes its course.
We could administer a laxative,
but that boy is on so many meds...
...God knows what might happen.
He'll be released tomorrow morning.
Will the juices in his stomach
hurt the coins?
Are you trying to tell me
that you are worried about those quarters?
No. No.
I'm just curious. I've never seen anyone
swallow coins before.
I was just wondering what would happen.
- Where's my kid?
- You must be the mother.
Hello, I'm Dr. Welby.
- Your boy is going to be fine, Mrs. Smith.
- No thanks to my stupid brother.
I leave my kid with you for a couple
of hours and he almost buys the farm.
Who's that?
That?
That's Brian.
So, now that Mark's out of the picture,
you just take up with some man?
Brian is not just some man.
He's Mark's best friend.
I looked after that little brat...
...because you said you had to get
your life back together, not...
...go get laid.
My son almost died because of you, Kresk.
Scottie isn't the only one who got hurt.
I lost $0.75 in the whole deal.
Don't come near my son ever again.
You are such a loser.
Jeannie was right. I was a loser.
You see things differently
after you've held millions of dollars...
...of ancient Chinese coins in your hand
and then lost them.
So...
...the bridge.
Goodbye, cruel world.
Goodbye, cruel world.
I don't believe this.
Are you all right, old man?
Are you all right?
Asshole.
What?
You're a hero, Mr. Kresk.
Tragedy. Real tragedy.
So, how are you doing?
I'm Frederic Kerner...
...Mr. Bollingsworth's personal assistant.
You know our Mr. Bollingsworth
is a major industrialist?
Worth quite a lot of money.
Then why did he jump off a bridge?
No, he didn't jump. Sadly, he fell.
- I'm pretty sure he jumped.
- You're remembering wrong.
Probably all that icy water. He fell.
- Say that with me, "He fell. "
- He fell.
But he jumped.
A lot of people
are going to ask you questions today.
Doctors, members of the media, police.
It's very important that everybody knows...
...that Mr. Bollingsworth
is of sound mind and body...
...even if he's in a coma.
There's a gaggle of reporters downstairs
eager to hear the truth about him.
I don't want to talk to any reporters
right now, Mr. Kerner.
I'm still wet and I just want to go home,
catch some sleep.
Too bad you won't meet Gina,
Mrs. Bollingsworth.
She's so friendly.
Are you Mrs. Bollingsworth?
No, I'm Sergeant Meredith Kolko
of the police force.
"Cops Out of Uniform"?
- And you are?
- I'm just Thomas Kresk.
I saved the old man.
If you don't mind,
I want to ask you a few questions.
Great body.
- Excuse me?
- Your hair. It's really nice.
Can you please describe
what happened on the bridge?
Well...
...I was out for my morning jog...
...and I saw Mr. Bollingsworth.
He fell into the river.
- He slipped and fell over the railing?
- Yes.
Mr. Bollingsworth
has always been very athletic.
Mr. Kerner, do you mind?
Now, Mr. Kresk...
...what happened on the bridge?
Okay.
There... He fell. Jumped.
He jumped, but falling.
Listen, Mr. Kresk.
I want you to go home, dry off, take a nap.
I will question you later, when I'm sure
you'll remember exactly what happened.
Great. Give me a call and maybe
we'll go get dinner or something.
That will be "or something. "
Now, if you'll excuse us,
I need to talk to Mr. Kerner.
- Maybe I'll see you around then.
- Yes, you will.
I'm really looking forward
to our interrogation.
Can I help you?
I'm Sergeant Meredith Kolko
of the police force.
You must be here about my complaint.
- Complaint?
- Yes.
Not only has my fianc gone missing...
...but yesterday, I was attacked
in the comforts of my own home...
...by some mad dentist
and an overgrown scout.
Really?
One of them smashed a piggy bank
over my head.
Suicide is so stupid.
Me being in that hospital
kind of changed my whole outlook.
I thought about my life,
I thought about my job. I thought...
Fuck it.
I'm going to go get those coins.
Jesus H. Christ.
Just a minute.
Hello, Mr. Kresk.
Hi, there. You can just call me Kresk.
- May I come in for a minute?
- It's a little messy.
It's okay.
I'm sorry.
Did I interrupt something?
No. That's Andy. He's a friend.
He's a little hung over.
Too many wine coolers last night.
- I'll be brief.
- Great.
Have you heard
about the Shiny New Enemies?
I don't know anything about them.
I'm just an innocent barber.
- I wasn't accusing you.
- I know.
But I thought you were investigating
Bollingsworth's suicide.
- I think he's linked to the robbery.
- Bollingsworth?
I find that hard to believe.
Something tells me it's Bollingsworth.
What were you really doing on that bridge
at 6:00 in the morning?
- Like I said, I was out jogging...
- Obviously, you weren't jogging.
I mean, look at your outfit.
I was on that bridge
for an early morning walk.
What's that?
"Goodbye, cruel... "
You know...
...Andy may have written that last night,
when he was drunk.
Kresk, are you okay?
Sure, I'm fine.
Okay.
Because, you know,
everybody has problems.
Yeah, well,
you don't look like you have problems.
Look at me.
I'm trying to solve this case.
I have one suspect in a coma,
and another who is probably in France.
Wait, I thought the coins were Chinese.
They are. But the most disreputable
coin collectors in the world are in France.
You really know your stuff.
I think I should get going.
If you think of anything, anything at all,
give me a call.
Really?
Wait.
- I need your phone number.
- Of course.
...spanky...
- That's my cell.
- Okay.
'Bye.
What an amazing woman.
She just came to my door,
and gave me the perfect plan.
Take Scottie,
who had the coins well hidden, to France...
...and fence them
to some disreputable people.
- Did you find those coins, little camper?
- Give me a minute. I'll tell you in the car.
Hey, Scottie.
How are you feeling?
- I'm all right.
- Want a ride?
I'm not supposed to take rides
from strangers.
We're not strangers, I'm family.
Uncle Kresk, you're beginning to creep
the shit out of me.
Hey, kid. Three pounds of delicious candy.
Shove it!
Go.
It's okay, I'm his uncle.
He's just a little hyperactive.
Everything's cool. His mom is his sister.
- Yeah?
- Hey, Jeannie.
It's Kresk. Weird thing.
Scottie just showed up at my door.
He wants bygones to be bygones
about the whole coin thing.
- He wants to hang out for a few days...
- Whatever.
- I can't believe you kidnapped me.
- That hurt.
It's not kidnapping, it's borrowing.
There's something inside of you
that we need.
My plasma.
No, the coins that you swallowed.
Wait a freaking minute.
You guys kidnapped me
to get the coins I'm going to poo?
It's like a bird with seeds.
Like a Ringrobin Sapstronger...
Just shut up!
We just need to know
if you've pooed since last night.
No, I haven't, Mr. Creepy.
Those coins are worth a lot of money.
So, you can't poo for the next 24 hours.
But when we get to France,
you can poo to your heart's content.
Everything was going pretty smoothly.
I had 10 hours to kill before my flight,
so I decided to pay the old man a visit.
Girl, I do not have to be careful.
Dr. Welby said that rich old man
ain't never going to wake up.
I came by...
...to make sure you didn't snap out
of the coma before I left the country. But...
...I guess I don't have to worry about that.
It's funny.
It's not funny, it's more ironic than funny.
It's pretty much not funny at all.
In fact, it's kind of sad, but...
...I was on the bridge
for the same reason as you.
Those damn coins.
I guess I'll just fly
to France with Scottie...
...wait till he poos the coins out
and send him home.
And then I'll just disappear.
You're supposed to be
in a really bad coma!
So, you were in on it with Avnet?
You asshole.
What am I going to do?
I'm a barber, not a killer.
So, I turned to an old friend, Paulie Haas...
...a guy who had the skills
to handle a situation like this.
- Do you have an appointment?
- Not really.
I'm looking for Paulie Haas.
There he is. Paulie!
Paulie?
You probably don't remember me.
My name is Kresk.
You used to beat the hell out of me
at Our Mother of Peace Elementary.
Yeah.
The runt.
I made a small fortune
off your milk money.
This guy.
Remember the day
that they threw you out?
Sure.
Second grade.
Damn nuns.
You know,
they really stunted my education.
Your dad still own
that crummy little barber shop?
No, he stuck his head in the oven,
so I took over.
Good.
I'd love to rehash old times, but, actually,
I came here to talk business.
Go ahead and talk.
Well, I kind of need
someone done away with.
You want somebody killed?
Yeah, you could say that.
Do you have the money for this little task?
It costs $10,000
to have somebody bumped.
Half up front. You got $5,000, barber boy?
I don't have $5,000 now,
but I will in the future.
- Sorry, half up front.
- Come on, we're old friends.
- I used to beat you up.
- It's the same thing.
Listen, I promise you...
...I will pay you $20,000 down the line,
just do me this favor.
Please?
All right.
Since we've known each other for so long...
...I'll give you a number.
That's the new kid.
He's got balls like pomegranates.
Really?
I never expected to see a killer
with a business card.
- Don't call him a killer.
- Okay.
They don't like that.
You're a barber,
you don't barb people, do you?
No.
Take it easy, Paulie.
You're looking for me.
Mikey?
How old are you?
Twenty?
- About that.
- Nineteen?
Seventeen. Have a seat.
You're seventeen and you're a hired killer?
First off,
we don't want to be called "hired killers. "
That's what the cops call us.
We're hitmen.
Secondly, I didn't come here
to talk about my age.
I'm sorry.
Wait.
How much experience could you have?
Well, I don't like to brag, but...
...do you remember Senator Dove?
You killed Senator Dove?
I voted for him. He was a nice guy.
I liked him, too.
I would have voted for him
had I been old enough.
Yeah.
Paulie said he was floating you
the up-front money.
Yeah, don't worry. I'll have the money.
This is going to be really easy,
because this guy is mostly dead already.
Who do you want whacked?
Robert...
Robert Bollingsworth.
He jumped off a bridge.
He's in a coma at the hospital.
What's the matter?
You know Bollingsworth?
No, of course not.
I just recognized his name from the news.
They said he slipped.
They didn't say anything about suicide.
No. I was there. It was suicide.
He wanted to die and I stopped him,
that's why I want him dead.
What's wrong?
Suicide bothers me.
My mom and dad killed themselves.
I'm sorry.
My father killed himself, too.
That's horrible.
My parents were dentists.
After they did it, I dropped out
of high school and became a hitman.
Well, if you don't want to do
the Bollingsworth job...
I didn't say that.
- I'm sorry.
- There, there.
- Don't worry. I'll take the hit.
- Okay, okay.
Andy, come on, what's going on here?
Just coaching the boy in the fine art
of Indian wrestling.
- He's as strong as a bull, Kresk.
- Quiet.
...investigation into the robbery
of the Shiny New Enemies...
...headed by Sergeant Meredith Kolko.
We caught up with Captain Weaver
at headquarters. He remains optimistic.
This is a difficult case,
but we are in hot pursuit.
Every available man is working on this.
I can't tell you much,
but we are certain that this is the work...
...of a major crime syndicate.
Honey, I will never forget them.
Now, the dentist...
...he was kind of sexy,
in a white-trash kind of way.
But that scout...
...he was just a bad soul.
What happened here?
What's this?
Honey, that's just a pig.
The piggy bank I was telling you about.
At the hospital, I told you that meany
smashed a piggy bank over my head.
This is Avnet's coin collection
all on the floor.
He's like a little magpie.
He likes anything shiny.
- I need to find your boyfriend.
- Sugar, I need to find him, too.
You can take that in the kitchen.
Yes?
Hey, Meredith, how are you doing?
- It's okay if I call you Meredith, isn't it?
- That depends on who this is.
I thought you might recognize my voice.
It's Kresk.
You said I should call you
if I remembered anything about the case.
- Anything at all.
- And?
I remember something pretty big.
And I think maybe we should get together
and talk about it.
Why not just tell me now?
Okay.
I saw...
...Mr. Bollingsworth throw something
into the river before he jumped.
That's interesting.
- Yeah.
- How come you didn't mention this before?
Because it slipped my mind until now.
But I still think we should get together
and talk about it.
Maybe have some coffee...
Meet me at the Foo's Ho Ho.
You know where it is?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'll be there.
And Thomas?
Yeah?
I did recognize your voice.
- You're going on a date?
- Yeah.
But don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
Scottie, make sure you get some sleep.
The plane leaves for France in eight hours.
Screw you!
I think I made a mistake today.
I should have never floated that barber.
He won't cough up that money.
What are we going to do about it?
What do you think
we're going to do about it?
We're going to get our money.
- How?
- The old-fashioned way.
- Did you always want to be a cop?
- Yeah.
But some people claim I only did it
to restore my father's name.
Restore his name?
Dad was the perfect cop,
25 years on the force.
They even gave him the gold watch
and everything.
But then he changed.
First, he would just wear spurs
around the house.
Next came the six-shooter and the chaps.
Then he started riding a horse
and calling his captain Wyatt Earp.
They fired him, so...
...the garage.
What a coincidence.
My dad killed himself, too.
Really?
Hey, barber boy.
Hello?
We have like a giant Timber Scout here.
Why is he all tied up like that?
Who knows? It's probably
some weird sex thing that barbers enjoy.
- Should we untie him?
- We're not here to rescue anybody.
Go look for Kresk. Go look around.
Who tied you up?
The barber?
The kid.
- The kid. What kid?
- Death to all traitors!
Use the thumb press, Scottie!
Use the thumb press!
Ohio Valley thumb press,
like I showed you.
You want a piece of me?
Sit down.
I said, sit down.
All right, you're getting tied up.
Nice try, son.
- I'm proud of you.
- You shut up.
- You guys think you're real cool...
- He said, shut up.
- The barber, he ain't here.
- Obviously.
Well, what do you want to do about it?
Wait.
You know, this feels so good.
I've never talked about this.
Not even with my sister.
It's like our own little
two-person support group.
We got this whole
parental suicide thing going.
Like we're connected.
I came to tell you that A:
I can't find that Avnet character anywhere.
And B: In what is quite a coincidence,
I've been hired to kill you.
This is a good thing.
I'll kill, forgive the pun,
two birds with one stone.
I'll get rid of an unsatisfied customer
and satisfy another at the same time.
Goodbye, Robert Bollingsworth.
- Visiting hours are almost up.
- I'll be done in a minute.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
That old man must really mean
something to you.
You take your time.
Okay.
Let me make a little confession.
Room Service.
Senator Dove?
No. Senator, wait.
No, don't do it. Let's talk about this.
- We can talk this over. Please.
- Goodbye, cruel world.
No!
Well, a job is a job.
Who are you?
I'm the hitman. Who are you?
- I'm the hitman. Kresk hired you, too?
- Who's Kresk?
- I was hired by Kerner.
- Who's Kerner?
Okay. Apparently a lot of people
want this old guy dead.
I've never been in this situation before.
What should we do?
- I don't know about you, but I'll kill him.
- Wait a minute.
If I don't kill him, I don't get paid.
My wife just had twins. I have to kill him
to keep my kids in diapers.
Listen, the guy who hired you
doesn't know about me.
And the guy who hired me
doesn't know about you.
If this old man gets a bullet in his brain,
it doesn't really matter whose bullet it is.
That's a good point.
But there is that sticky issue of pride.
This would be a big hit.
- This guy's famous, right?
- Look, I threw Senator Dove off a balcony.
I don't really need to add to my cachet.
Go ahead. Kill him.
If you insist.
But first, I'm killing you.
Wait a minute.
I don't quite see the angle here.
I'm eliminating the competition.
Clearing the field, as it were.
Any final words?
- Goodbye, cruel world.
- Sugar, I brought you some pamphlets...
I know what you're after.
Yeah?
You're never going to find those coins.
We've hidden them too well.
What coins?
Nothing.
I have priceless Chinese coins
in my stomach.
Shiny New Enemies?
Yeah, well, them. But...
...it doesn't matter.
You're not leaving here with them anyway.
Why don't you untie me
and we'll Indian wrestle like real men?
Best two out of...
I'm warning you.
Get in.
After the restaurant,
Meredith and I took a long walk.
We laughed and talked and stuff.
It was really weird.
I think she actually liked me.
In fact, I know she did.
- There are tents in your living room.
- I have guests, so we have to be quiet.
Okay. I'll do my best.
- Who's that?
- Kresk, I know you're in there!
- It's Karen.
- Who?
My ex-wife.
She's supposed to be in Italy
having sex with our marriage counselor.
I'm not going to answer it.
Like hell you'll not answer it!
You want me to set this place on fire?
Let the woman in.
I don't want any trouble.
Hey, Karen.
Interrupting something? Who's the flooz?
I'm Sergeant Meredith Kolko
of the police force.
I'm glad you're here. You'll be interested
in what I found in my apartment...
...when I returned from my trip abroad.
I can explain. I really can.
I know it looks bad...
Yes, it does.
I came home early from Italy
because I find out Dr. Kenny uses a pump.
- In my apartment I find...
- Karen.
I will give you $1.5 million...
...if you don't say another word.
- Like you have $1.5 million.
- Just let the woman talk, okay?
Thank you, Sergeant.
Dave?
Dave, honey? Mommy is home.
Mommy brought you a present. Dave?
- Dave, honey, Mommy's home. Dave?
- Who's Dave?
Dave, Mommy's here.
Where are you, baby?
It's not funny, Dave.
Poor Dave! My bloated baby!
No, Dave. No!
That's it? That's all you found?
Are you kidding me?
My dog almost died because of you.
Thomas.
Is this true?
That stupid little dog attacked me
when I was feeding him.
The pills fell into the sink...
My little Dave attacked you?
I find that a little hard to believe.
- It's the truth.
- Whatever.
Give me my key back
before you fuck up my life some more.
Enjoy.
- Did the dog really attack you?
- Meredith.
I will never lie to you.
That little bastard bit me.
Am I in trouble with the law?
Only if you open that door again.
- Condom.
- What?
- Condoms.
- Condoms. That's a great idea.
- Now.
- They're in the medicine cabinet.
Well, hurry.
- What are you doing here?
- Just checking in.
Curiosity may have killed the cat,
but it tends to keep the hitman alive.
You have the coins,
and you're trying to frame Bollingsworth.
How do you know that?
Shit, man, I like the way you work.
You look like an innocent barber,
but really you're a badass.
No, really, I'm just an innocent barber.
An innocent barber who has priceless coins
in his nephew's gut.
- We got to hurry up.
- They're in here somewhere.
I like you.
Want to go see a show?
What? A show? Are you crazy?
- I can get tickets half-price.
- I'm starting without you.
I'm just washing my hands.
I don't know if you've noticed,
but I got things going on in the bedroom.
- Some really nice things...
- Kresk, we're buddies.
Let me give you a little friendly advice.
Don't become romantically involved
with the person who's trying to catch you.
Thanks, but Meredith
doesn't know anything about that.
- You don't think so?
- Nope.
- You don't think this may be a trap?
- No.
She's looking for the coins,
and you have them.
- Thomas.
- Just a second.
Can't you see that you and I have
the parental suicide thing in common?
Let's go to Cats. That's a great show.
No, thanks.
- You want to go out for a malted?
- No, Mikey.
No! Listen!
I hired you to kill Bollingsworth,
not to be my...
...little buddy.
If you don't want to be friends, that's fine.
And I quit.
You can kill the old man yourself.
Are you serious, Mikey?
Here they are!
They were right in front of me.
- You're pointing a gun at me.
- I'm well aware of that.
- This doesn't bode well
for our relationship.
- No, it doesn't.
Tell me something, Kresk.
What's that, dear?
How could I have fallen in love
with the gunman?
- Gunman?
- Yeah.
It was you and Bollingsworth
who stole those coins.
You killed those guards in cold blood.
- Jolly good shot.
- Thanks.
- That's insane.
- It all makes sense.
Your unusual interest
in Bollingsworth's health.
The tickets to France I found in your room.
This gun. You have those coins, Kresk.
Stop.
I said I would never lie to you, and I won't.
You're right, I have the coins.
So, you were just using me.
No.
I just wanted to see you.
Don't bullshit me. I'm a cop,
I know bullshit. You're a murderer.
I'm not a murderer, you got to believe me!
Look, I can prove it!
In one of those tents is Scottie,
my nephew.
- He has the coins in his stomach.
- I'd love to believe...
- Got her.
- Meredith.
Hey, Andy! You coldcocked my girlfriend!
She's not exactly your girlfriend.
She was arresting you.
Andy, what's going on?
We got to go. These two guys came
and they kidnapped Scottie.
"Ha, ha, we have the buoy. " What?
It's Paulie.
You got to go yet, kid?
Stick to the game and ask for a card.
Drink your prune juice,
then I'll ask for a card.
Ask.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- You got any threes?
- Grab a fishing pole, Jethro.
You should have more respect
for your elders.
- Blow it out your hole!
- Stop shaking the table!
These "K's" are hard.
Wait. It's not a real gun.
It's a bluff.
We flash a little metal, grab our Scottie
and get the hell out of here.
- Now!
- Step away from the boy!
Look who it is, Johnny.
You're a barber, not a killer.
You don't have the balls
to pull that trigger.
Yeah?
Try me!
Maybe we should...
This damn chain is awkward.
I've been shot.
Wait, wait! Stop!
Shit. Johnny.
You did that on purpose.
No, I didn't. I swear to God, I didn't.
Now that was on purpose.
Are you okay?
- It's so cold.
- I'll take you to the hospital.
No, Kresk, come on.
It's too late for me.
Take the boy and go to the airport.
No way, come on. Fireman's carry.
- Wait!
- Come on, Scottie.
- We're taking Uncle Andy to the hospital.
- What in the hell took you guys so long?
That fucker.
Robert Bollingsworth...
...about half an hour ago
I thought I had a new friend.
Then I realized he wasn't much of a friend,
and I was going to fuck him over.
Then I remembered...
...a job is a job.
I'll kill you...
...and then I'll kill myself.
What kind of a hitman are you?
Go ahead.
Shoot me.
- I got nothing to live for.
- What kind of a shitty attitude is that?
It's a realistic one.
- Life just isn't worth living anymore.
- No?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
A kid your age.
Call me an optimist,
but I like waking up in the morning.
Birds chirping, the sun shining,
my two little angels.
I mean, the only thing I lack
is a good friend.
- As a hitman, they're hard to come by.
- Tell me about it.
When will the moose come?
Oh, bugger.
My God.
He's dead.
That was easy.
I guess our jobs here are done.
- You wanna get a sandwich or something?
- Yeah, sure.
I'd like to hear about that Senator Dove hit
right from the horse's mouth.
- You want to go to a show?
- Yeah.
- Why not?
- What do you think of Cats?
I love Cats! The songs, the dancing.
- And what about that makeup?
- It's the best.
After you, Doctor.
My friend is kind of shot over here.
We were at the shooting gallery,
and it kind of got out of hand.
Wait. Wait.
- We had some good times, didn't we?
- Yeah, we certainly did, buddy.
- Is he going to be okay?
- It's just a scratch. He'll live.
Ta-ta, now!
Sugar, that old man
must have really meant something to you.
- What?
- Come on, let's go to the airport.
Well...
Are you okay?
Stupid old prune juice.
But don't worry, I can make it to the plane.
No, we're not getting on the plane.
What?
Thanks for knocking me out.
- You came after me.
- I came after you because you're a criminal.
I thought you'd try to kill Bollingsworth
before leaving the country.
The number one rule of thievery:
No witnesses.
- Believe me, Bollingsworth is fine.
- Bollingsworth is dead.
But I know you didn't kill him.
His heart gave out.
However, you're still a fugitive
from the law.
Okay, I'll give you that one...
...but you've got to believe me,
I didn't kill anybody.
- Why should I believe you, Kresk?
- Because!
I don't know.
All I know is that Scottie
is behind this door, pooing the coins out...
...and that I love you, Meredith.
Please, don't say that!
And I'm not your Meredith anymore.
I'm Sergeant Kolko to you.
And I want to hear the truth, now.
Okay.
This whole mess started yesterday...
- ... when Karen and Avnet...
- You know Avnet?
Do I know Avnet?
We just talked to your ex-wife.
She didn't mention a body in
her apartment. I think she'd have noticed.
Yeah, that was weird.
Maybe Avnet isn't dead.
Right. Now you expect me to believe...
...that Avnet is running around the city
with a pair of scissors in his neck?
- Sergeant Kolko!
- What is it?
This stiff is a guy named Avnet.
We found him in these bushes downtown.
He has a broken back,
and these scissors in his neck.
A really nasty nick on his ear.
You're kidding me.
No. Regular Rasputin, this guy.
The kicker is, I found a letter in his pocket
saying Bollingsworth stole the coins.
- Let's get this guy to the freezer.
- I have to go.
Captain, what are you doing?
Sergeant, you should see this.
Okay, boys, I'm ready.
Can you tell us
how you cracked the Shiny case?
It was simple. Bollingsworth was
my prime suspect from the beginning.
It took for him and his partner
to slip up for me to nab them.
Sergeant Kolko, when are you going to do
another Playboy spread?
Someday, she'll make a great cop.
You've got the crooks,
where are the coins?
Yes, the coins.
- Well, I've given it a lot of thought...
- I know the answer to that one.
This man...
...Thomas Kresk is the answer.
He was on the bridge
when Bollingsworth jumped.
He saw Bollingsworth throw the coins
into the river before he jumped.
Anything else to add at this time?
Tomorrow morning, we'll have divers
in the water. Case closed.
Why don't we finish the interview
outside the building?
We can talk about my involvement
with inner-city youth.
I buy these kids
new basketballs every year.
What did you do that for?
It's going to look really weird
when we turn the coins in.
Well, maybe we shouldn't turn them in.
No, no.
During the time I've had those coins,
I've tried to kill myself...
...my oldest friend got shot,
my nephew is swimming in prune juice.
No, thanks. We're turning them in.
- What do you think brought us together?
- I hadn't really thought much about that.
The coins. You stole them,
I was supposed to catch the perp...
...but instead I fell in love with him.
- Who?
- The perp.
Who is the perp?
You're the perp.
I'm the perp?
Yes.
And now we have those coins,
and we can have a great life together.
No, we don't need the coins
to have a great life together.
It can just be me and you...
...doing stuff and laughing.
Yes, but fate wants us to have those coins.
Do you think it was a coincidence...
...that Avnet walked into your shop?
That Scottie swallowed the coins?
That you saved Bollingsworth...
...and that he and Avnet are dead?
That is a little weird, isn't it?
Yes, it is. Don't you see?
We belong together.
And those coins belong to us!
You're right.
We were meant to have those coins.
Holy shit! Automatic toilet!
Scottie.
Scottie?
Hey, buddy, what are you doing?
Sorry, Uncle Kresk. It just flushed.
It sure did.
So, that's the story.
I guess fate didn't want us
to get those coins, which is a good thing.
Meredith and I had each other,
and that's all we needed.
Right?
Hey, look at that.
I think we just caught dinner.
- You got one!
- Yeah!
Reel it in.
- We got him!
- Keep reeling!
Get the net!
Don't lose it, don't lose it! Hold on!
Ready?
Look at this monster.
Come on.