1
Ah, good morning, Present.
Right on time, as usual.
Ah, as punctual
as the devil himself.
You know, I've never
understood that expression.
- I met the guy.
He's late for everything.
- Hmm.
Speaking of
"late for everything,"
you would think the Ghost
of Christmas Past would have
a better concept of time.
You've got to love the irony.
Off the record, sir.
Have you noticed anything
strange about Past today?
What do you mean?
It just seems that every time
that I've talked to him,
he seems... distant.
He's always been distant.
Like over-distant.
[Present]
Well!
Well, let's get this
over with.
You have a hot date?
Oh, I don't know, dear.
What are you doing later on?
Ghosts, please.
Okay, let's hear it.
Who gets to go on this year's
spiritual guilt trip?
Mm-hmm.
Very well, then.
Meet this year's target.
[static]
His name is Jack Cameron,
currently residing in
Seattle, Washington, USA.
["Deck the Halls"]
[music continues]
[record scratching]
[TV] The highs are high,
and the lows are
getting chilly,
and with a little help
from our friend
Jack Frost
and a low humidity
cold front,
we might even see
a white Christmas
tomorrow morning.
Merry Christmas.
- [doorbell rings]
- [grunts]
Yeah?
Merry Christmas.
What do you want?
We don't want anything.
We want to give you something.
We saw you don't have
any decorations,
and we had extra ones
at our house.
Yeah, so we thought we would
help you out for Christmas.
You thought you'd help me out
for Christmas, huh?
That's great.
So this is like a gift, huh?
So I could, uh, I could
put this thing anywhere
'cause it's a gift.
I could put it here,
but then nobody could get by.
That'd be dumb.
You know what?
What about out here
in this area?
But, you know, it wouldn't
look right with the house.
Uh, how about right here?
- Perfect!
- [horn honks]
Merry Christmas, kids.
Wow.
So...
Yeah.
Party?
What time?
I don't know.
You know how weird
my dad is about today.
- [knocks]
- Hey, did you ta--
- Let me call you back.
- [phone beeps]
Come in!
Wow. Is that a new dress?
Yeah. Do you like it?
Yeah.
It's my Christmas present
from Mom.
Yeah.
Looks like something
your mom would get you.
It's very inappropriate.
You can see
your whole... arm.
My arm, Dad?
Yeah, both of 'em.
Well, at least she gives me
Christmas presents.
Listen, I give you double
birthday presents, okay?
That's not the point.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you
what the point is.
Do you know anything about
those two things dangling
from the mantle downstairs?
And what do those
"things" look like?
They look like decorations.
It's just stockings.
Stockings are
decorations, honey.
Are stockings a gateway into
more hardcore decorations?
I'm glad you think
this is funny.
Lighten up, Dad.
It's just two red stockings.
Respect my rule.
Your rule is stupid.
- Is it stupid?
- Yeah!
- Is it really stupid?
- Yeah!
Excuse me for trying
to spread some holiday cheer.
I thought maybe
after seven years
of banning Christmas,
you might've changed.
It's time to get over this!
Get over--
Hey, I am over this!
I am so over this!
But there's things
that you don't know, okay?
Oh, I know. I know...
that you're a psycho!
I am not a psycho!
I am not a psycho!
I'm not... a psycho!
This is my room.
You're supposed
to storm out!
- [whispers]
I am not a psycho.
- Whatever.
Jack was married in 1978
to one Alison Addison.
Has one daughter, Suzanne.
Born in 1990.
On December 24th, 1998,
Jack and Alison attended
Suzanne's Christmas pageant.
In the middle of the pageant,
Alison left to go
to the restroom.
She was taking a bit long,
so Jack went to check on her.
Only she wasn't
in the restroom.
She was in
the coat check room.
So?
- She was with Jack's dentist.
- Oh.
And they weren't
checking coats.
Ouch.
Jack and Alison were officially
divorced shortly thereafter.
She claiming she didn't want
to be married to a workaholic,
and he claiming he didn't want
to be married to a woman
who cheats on him.
She moved to London and
sees Suzanne once a year
during the holidays.
I know all this already.
Of course you do.
You know everything
that's happened.
I'm informing Present.
You know her... condition.
[Past]
I know, poor thing.
She'll forget all this
by tomorrow.
Doesn't it ever bother you
only knowing what is
and not what was?
Doesn't it ever bother you
only knowing what was
and not what is?
[Trevor]
All right, all right, please.
Can we get back
to the case at hand?
Now, since that night,
Jack has had a contempt
for Christmas
and forgotten
its true meaning,
causing him to be
chilly toward others
and weakening his relationship
with his daughter Suzanne.
Fascinating!
And completely
and utterly common.
Lots of people have lost
the true meaning of Christmas.
So what makes this--
What's his name?
- Jack.
- Ja-- Jack--
What makes him
this year's target?
Well, alphabetically speaking,
we are on the C's.
Yeah, the sleeve is about
a half short still,
and I wanted the collar
thicker, not thinner.
Yeah, by tomorrow.
Well, it's not a holiday
at my house.
If you can't do it,
I'll find someone
that will, okay?
- All right? Thank you.
- [hangs up]
- Mr. Cameron?
- Yes?
The workers were wondering
if they could leave
early today.
- Which workers?
- All of them.
All 79 workers
came in your office
and asked if they could
leave early today?
Sir, I volunteered to come in
and ask because, you know--
What is so special
about today?
Um, it's...
Christmas Eve?
Yeah, but besides that.
- Um, people want to shop.
- Uh-uh. See, as you know,
today is just like
any other day around here.
We all work our regular shifts,
and when we're done,
we can go home.
Yes, sir.
Also, the homeless shelter
called,
asking what time
they should stop by
to pick up the coats.
What coats?
The irregulars,
of course.
Oh, oh, yeah.
We're not doing that
this year.
What?
But this company has donated
the irregular coats
to the homeless
since your father
founded it in 1941.
Actually, I don't need
a Cameron Coat Company
history lesson right now.
We found a paying customer
for the irregulars.
The Guatemalan Army.
They bought 'em all.
They don't care if the epaulets
are upside-down or not.
They're not a very good army.
They'll probably only
wear 'em once.
So they get some decent coats,
we get a bucket of money.
Everybody wins.
Except
the freezing homeless.
Ms. Creed,
I am not heartless.
I'm gonna donate some coats
on the Fourth of July.
But it'll be
90 degrees in July!
Thank you!
Thank you.
As usual, you have
until midnight tonight
to complete the assignment.
Sounds pretty simple.
We make an appearance,
we show him the error
of his ways, and poof!
By morning he'll be singing
"Fa la la la la."
I hope it's that easy.
We need a success
on this assignment.
The head office
has been threatening
to close the Ghosts
of Christmas program,
due to ineffectiveness.
Ineffectiveness?
When have we been
ineffective?
Hello! The Miami incident?
Ah! Hey, look, he could swim
when he was a kid.
Look, just stay sharp
this year.
The last thing we need
is to look bad.
Past, here's your
candy cane chronometer.
It's been preprogrammed
to take you back in time
to key points
in Jack's history.
Here are your
spectral snowflakes,
which will allow
you and the target
to remain transparent
while on the journey.
Ohh! I really need a smoke.
Do you have any
cigarettes in there?
- Ghosts can't smoke.
- Oh, please, Trevor.
What's it gonna do,
kill me again?
All right, then.
Twelve-hour countdown
begins...
now.
Uh, you haven't told us
who the point person is
on the assignment.
Matthew Preston,
Jack's ex-business partner.
Died one year ago
in a freak accident
while on vacation.
What exactly do you mean
by "freak"?
Hey, what was I
supposed to do, huh?
For one thing,
keep your eye on the fish!
I looked away for one second,
I mean, come on!
Okay.
Let's get down to business,
shall we, Mr. Preston?
Uh, hmm.
We need your help.
What?
Good night, Mr. Cameron.
Yup, good night.
And Merry Christmas.
[bell dings]
[phone rings]
Cameron Coats.
Well, well, well.
What a surprise.
Working on Christmas Eve.
What do you want, Alison?
I'm calling to wish you
a Merry Christmas.
Well, there,
you said it.
Jack, are you
still wallowing
in the holiday spirit?
Did Suzie get
the gift I sent her?
Yes, she got the dress,
and we're both happy to know
there's a Hookers 'R Us
in London, too.
Oh, and I suppose
you did better.
Oh, wait.
I remember, Jack.
You didn't get
our daughter anything
for Christmas, did you?
I wonder why, Alison.
Are you still banning
the entire holiday, Jack?
Don't you think that's
getting a little immature?
Would you like
to hear something
really immature?
What?
[muffled yelling]
[laughs]
[blues]
Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun
It is to ride
Yeah, yeah, yeah
In a one-horse
open sleigh
[Jack]
You know, Suzanne,
I was thinking
that since we're in the store
that has literally everything
that you might see something
that you really, really want,
and then I could
buy it for you.
[Suzanne]
But, Dad,
this is a drugstore.
Wait, you mean
a Christmas present?
No, see, it's nothing
to do with Christmas.
It's just one of those things
a cool dad does for his daughter
any day of the year.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Anything you want.
You name it.
Anything except makeup.
Good evening, ladies.
Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- Do you have any other cola?
You need more than
what we got?
Well, I like this brand,
but I want the plain can.
I'm not following ya.
That's Santa Claus.
Don't want him on there, okay?
You got something
against Santa Claus?
No, but I just don't support
what he represents,
so... plain cans.
Santa not give you,
like, a train set
when you were a kid?
- That's funny. That's--
- Hey, Dad!
I got this
really great lipstick,
and it's on sale.
I'm sorry, but you have
to put it back because...
we are no longer shopping
in this establishment.
- Why not?
- Because apparently
the employees do not
respect the customer's
holiday beliefs.
Dad, you're embarrassing me.
Sir, I respect
your holiday beliefs.
I just, um, I just think
they're kind of weird.
Oh. Did you
not hear that?
Dad, they are kinda weird!
Honey, do not side
with the help.
Dad!
[groans]
Merry Ho-Ho!
So you just want me
to visit Jack Cameron-- Ah.
And-- And tell him that
he's gonna be visited
by three spirits?
- Yeah, that's it.
- What's the point of that?
I mean, why not just you guys
show up instead of me--
Well, it makes
the transition easier.
Seeing someone that you know
just smoothes the way.
I always thought you guys
were just fictional characters
that Charles Dickens
made up in that, uh--
Charles Dickens
was a two-bit hack!
Hey, don't get him started.
Charles Dickens was
a former target of ours
who chose to write a book
about his experiences,
even though we explicitly
told him not to.
But it was a great book.
It was crap!
Like everything he did!
Did you ever read
A Tale of Two Cities?
"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."
Make up your mind,
Mr. Dickens!
Okay, okay, okay.
But why me, huh? I mean--
Well, in a roundabout way,
you died as a result
of working too much.
And for our cause,
that is...
incredibly effective.
You're the only one
that can do this,
Mr. Preston.
Will you help us?
Will you help
your friend Jack?
Oh, where are we off to?
- Out.
- Out where?
- A party.
- A Christmas Eve party?
Yes, Dad,
a Christmas Eve party.
A Christmas Eve party.
Well, have fun.
I'm gonna sit right here
and give this night
the respect it deserves.
By getting drunk
and watching TV?
And eating frozen burritos.
But, Suzanne, go ahead.
Celebrate the worst day
of our lives.
Dad, we have two options
for focusing our attention
today.
One is presents, cheer, elves,
candy canes and sugarplums.
The other is an event which
took place seven years ago
that did indeed suck.
But it was seven years ago.
Honey, maybe one day
you'll grow up
and then you'll understand
what this day symbolizes.
And maybe one day you'll realize
that there's more to life
than dwelling in the past.
Really? Like what?
I'm gonna let you
figure that out.
Okay.
Now, I'm going
to this party,
and you should
consider yourself lucky
if I come back at all.
Oh, really?
Well, I'll tell you what.
You should consider yourself
lucky if I'm-- if I, uh--
[door slams]
Be home at midnight!
I'll have something witty
to say then.
Oh, if I... if I, um...
I got nothing.
I got nothing.
[sighs]
What, are you crying?
Are you kidding?
It's been, like, seven years.
Funny, I was expecting you
to be a little more shocked.
It's been
a really long day.
What happened to you, Jack?
Huh? I mean, you look bad.
- [Matthew chuckles]
- Uh, I look bad?
What happened to you?
The Matthew I knew
wouldn't have been
caught dead in that shirt.
Oh, wait. Too late.
Very funny. You know,
I could sit here all evening
and exchange witty banter
with you, Jack,
but I'm actually here
to tell you about your
plans for this evening.
Well, my plans are to stay in
and take it easy.
Oh, there's gonna be
a lot more than that
happening.
You're gonna be visited
by three spirits.
Is that three spirits
counting you,
or three in addition to you,
'cause that would be four.
Uh, in addition.
Okay, well,
that's four spirits,
and I wish you'd have
said that right up top.
Are they all gonna be
dead former coworkers?
No. They're gonna be
the Ghosts of Christmas.
Like in the book!
Yeah, like in the book.
But do yourself a favor.
Don't even mention the book
to these guys
because it's kind of like
a sore subject.
That would make me...
Scrooge,
and you would be like
that Bob Marley guy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Something like that.
- Ah.
Doesn't any of this shock
or concern you at all?
You know, it would
if I didn't know that
it was a hallucination
brought on by the combination
of alcohol and stress.
All right, well,
don't say I didn't
warn you.
Okay, one's gonna
be here at 8:00.
And then there's gonna be
another one at, uh...
What is that? At 9:00.
Oh, and then the third one
comes at 10:00.
And that's the Ghost of
Christmas Future, am I right?
Yes, yes.
But you know what?
I gotta get going.
And, Jack, Merry Christmas.
Oh...
That ain't right.
[sighs]
[screams]
How'd you get in here?
Were you not listening
to the dead-fish guy?
It was only an hour ago,
for crying out loud.
Who are you?
Are you gonna hit me
with that lamp?
Are you gonna
lamp me to death?
Who are you?
Well, who do you think I am?
I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Past!
You mean, that was--
That's right.
No. No, no, no, no.
No, you're a hallucination
brought on by a combination
of alcohol and stress.
Try this
for a hallucination.
All right!
Let's get going.
- Ouch.
- Chop chop!
We've got places to be.
Mustn't dawdle.
Whoa, whoa, what are you
gonna do with that?
This.
[beeping]
Snow?
Get up!
Hey.
That looks just like
the house I grew up in
in St. Canard, Illinois.
You're kidding!
Except it can't be 'cause
they tore it down years ago.
Ha! That's why the call me
the Ghost of Christmas Past.
It's December 24th, 1965.
And inside that house is you
as a young child, sleeping.
Why me?
In the book,
Ebenezer Scrooge
is a mean old man
who hates Christmas.
I, I just--
Ding ding ding!
Congratulations,
contestant!
Let's see what's behind
door number two, shall we?
Wait a minute.
I'm not just some
mean old man, okay?
I hate Christmas
for a reason.
Something very bad
happened to me,
and no amount of
memories you show me
is gonna change that.
Zip it! Zip, zip, zip!
You know, Jack,
I could honestly
not care less about you.
Your messed up,
whiny little life,
your inability
to function in society,
your relationship
with your daughter,
which any psychologist
would call disastrous.
All I really want
is to get your butt
in that house
so we can do our thing,
and I can go.
Okay, so long as
we're on the same page.
Ta-da!
Hey!
Can they hear me?
Yes, Jack,
they can hear you.
That's why I brought you
back in time,
so we can all sit around
the fire, chew the fat.
Talk over old times.
Change the course of history!
Yeah, why don't you
trot over there and,
and tell 'em who won
the 1968 World Series.
Dad! Bet on
the St. Louis Cardinals.
Listen, I'm not gonna
let your attitude problem
ruin this for me, okay?
Attitude problem?
You have a hissy fit
every time you hear
"Jingle Bells,"
and I've got
an attitude problem?
Where are they going?
Jack, it's Christmas Eve.
They just stacked the trees
with gifts for their kid.
That would be you.
And now they're going off
to bed to have nightmares
about all that money they spent
trying to put a smile
on your sweet little face.
You're kidding me, right?
You brought me all the way here
to try to make me
feel guilty about getting
what I wanted for Christmas
when I was a kid?
No, Jack, that is not
why I brought you here.
[sighs]
Do you--
Do you have any idea...
how much better
things used to be?
I do.
I witnessed it
firsthand.
Christmas
used to have meaning.
It was more than just
a time for the family
together at the mall.
People were kind to one another
for no apparent reason.
And even if it was
just for one day,
people really seemed
to care about those
that were less fortunate.
Every year, Jack.
My job becomes
more and more pointless.
People get more
and more cynical.
We used to have to use
the spiritual guilt trip
once every two years
for some poor lost soul.
And now the poor lost souls
are outnumbering
the regular people.
And yes, Jack,
I have an attitude problem.
Oh, Jack!
My attitude stinks!
I'm fighting a war
that I cannot win.
And being a soldier
no longer seems worth it.
Did you forget
to take your meds?
Huh?
Is there somebody
I could call?
Come on, buddy.
Come on, get it together.
Come on, now.
Show me your magic,
and let me go home.
Show me some magic,
brother.
[laughing]
Yes! There we go.
Mwah! Ha ha!
Goodbye!
[laughing]
What'd you do?
I hope you like 1965
'cause I, personally,
I'm very fond of it.
What are you
talking about?
- Look out the window!
- Okay.
[laughing]
What am I looking for?
Aww.
Hmm.
It's show time.
I hope he's not
in his underwear.
Hmm.
Hello?
What the hell
happened here?
[dialing]
[ringing]
Hello, you've reached
the Ghost of Christmas Past.
- I can't come to the--
- [beeps]
Well, this is unusual.
[all arguing]
What do you mean,
he never came back?
I waited at the house
for almost half an hour.
They never showed.
Past is only allotted one hour
to show the target around.
He knows that.
He's done it 2,000 times.
- Oh no.
- What "Oh, no"?
Past's spectral snowflake
has been broken.
Broken? But that means--
He and the target are now
living, breathing humans
in whatever year they're in.
1965?
Oh, this isn't good.
This isn't good at all.
Okay. Well,
we don't have to worry.
Now he can use his
candy cane chronometer,
and he'll come back.
Right?
- Trevor?
- Unless he doesn't want to.
- Why wouldn't he want to?
- Well, you tell me.
You're the one who said
he's been acting over-distant.
If he doesn't get back,
there's gonna be trouble.
- What kind of trouble?
- Big trouble.
Our powers wear off
less than three hours from now.
If the target hasn't been
returned to the present by then,
then he'll be stuck
in the past, forever.
- That is trouble.
- More than you know.
Oh, if the head office
finds out we lost a target,
they'll shut down
the entire program.
Do you know
what that means?
- Yeah, we will be unemployed.
- Worse.
Time is a balance.
If Jack doesn't get back
to his own Christmas
by midnight tonight,
then that balance
will be upset.
Every Christmas he ever had
will cease to exist.
He will cease to exist.
The domino effect
could be catastrophic.
The future could change.
The world could be upended.
The entire universe
as we know it could implode!
There'll be chaos!
Th-There will be hysteria!
Oh, the humanity!
Ow.
We have to stop thinking
about the future
and start thinking
about the present.
We need to know
what's going on in the past.
How?
Send me back.
What?
Yes. Send me back.
No, no, it's too dangerous.
What, more dangerous
than the end of everything?
Maybe I should send Future.
No, nobody knows where he is.
Besides, we don't have
enough time.
It's gotta be me, Trevor.
All right.
It's up to you, then.
The life of Jack Cameron
and the Christmas Eve Program
are at stake.
Not to mention
the entire universe.
I've always wanted
to see the past.
Oh, one more thing.
I need to see your spectral.
Okay.
What did you do that for?
Past is human now.
So in order to catch him,
you'll have to be human, too.
Good luck, Present.
And if I don't see you again,
Happy Holidays.
[sighs]
What is going on?
Whoa.
It's me.
Why are you tied up?
You can see me?
Who are you?
I don't even know where
to begin to answer that.
Are you Santa Claus?
Huh?
Why are you tied up,
Santa Claus?
- I'm not Santa Claus.
- Are you one of his helpers?
My mom told me the man
at the department store
is one of his helpers.
Are you one of his helpers?
Yeah, I'm one of his helpers.
Why are you tied up?
You should go back to bed.
Did Santa tie you up?
Yeah, Santa tied me up.
Why?
Because I ate some of
his milk and cookies.
I asked Mom if we could leave
some milk and cookies,
and she said Santa
was already too fat.
She used to say
stuff like that a lot.
That's why
I have food issues.
[floorboards creak]
- Who's that?
- Oh, I think I know.
- Untie me.
- I don't know, mister.
I'll make you waffles.
I know you love waffles
with powdered sugar.
Come on, untie me.
Okay, yeah, looking good.
I got this. Okay, son,
go hide, hide, hide, hide.
Go hide, hide.
- Urrgh!
- Aah!
[Young Jack]
Who are you?
Oh.
This isn't good.
Are you Santa Claus?
No.
I'm, uh, the Tooth Fairy.
So why don't you
just go off to bed?
I wanna open my presents.
Yeah, it would
be best if you--
But I wanna open them now!
Go to bed now,
or I will come back tomorrow
and rip out all of your teeth
with a pair of pliers.
Oh, great. Now I'm
emotionally scarred for life.
Which reminds me.
Hey! Stay the heck away
from Old Man Williams!
Hey, just let it go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on, strange lady.
- Now, who are you again?
- Oh.
I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Present.
Then, uh, how come
you're in my past?
Well, we've had
a little situation.
But don't you worry
'cause I'm here
to fix things.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, oh, no!
What?
It's broken!
What is?
Our ride home!
That's a candy cane!
It's Christmas Eve.
We'll go get another one.
Jack, this isn't just
any candy cane.
This is a highly sensitive piece
of technologically advanced
time-travel equipment!
Oh!
Wow.
You shouldn't have sat on it.
I didn't sit on it.
Somebody tackled me!
Because I thought
you were the little dude!
Oh, do I look like
the little dude?
No.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[sighs]
So we're stuck here.
Yes, Jack,
we are stuck here.
I mean, the only way
to get you back
to your own time is...
Past.
So we missed it.
What?
You said our time had passed.
No, not passed. Past.
- Past.
- Right!
So we missed it.
- Just follow me.
- [Jack laughs]
The Ghost of Christmas Past
still has his candy cane
chronometer.
We need to find him.
And we need wheels.
Don't do that, please.
See, it's 1965,
and nobody locks their cars.
- Really.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, I will just
hot-wire this--
No, no, no, no.
In 1965, everybody
put their keys right here.
- Really.
- Yeah.
No seatbelts
'cause it's, uh...
- 1965?
- Yeah!
- Get in.
- All right.
Well, Santa Claus
My name is Sam
American boy
That's who I am
And I'm writing a list
Trying to make a plan
Well, Santa Claus
It's Christmastime
And all year long...
[Jack]
Okay, so basically
what you're telling me is,
if we don't find
this guy by midnight,
I am stuck here forever.
- Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
- Yeah.
Don't you guys have
like a contingency plan
or escape route that we
could be taking right now?
Yes, and I'm it.
Okay, now, think, Jack.
What exactly happened?
What exactly
did he say?
Well, we were in
my parents' living room,
and he started weeping.
He started weeping and
getting weird and maudlin
and self-pitying.
Reminded me of
my crazy Aunt Shirley
when she got drunk.
Then all of a sudden,
he pulls out this
giant snowflake thing,
and he smashes it
on the fireplace.
So he did this
on purpose.
He did that on purpose,
for sure.
But why?
- Wha-- You tell me!
- Where could he have gone?
What do you mean?
You know everything, right?
No, I know everything
about the present.
- Right, and this is the past.
- Yes!
I get it.
I'm getting this thing.
- Slowly.
- Yes.
What is the first thing
that Past would do
as a human?
Probably
something strange.
[gasps]
Where's the closest place
we can go to buy cigarettes?
Well, it's Christmas Eve,
so everything is closed.
Except...
- He's here.
- Yeah.
- I can feel it.
- I can feel it, too.
Oh!
Look at these toys!
- Oh, that's cool.
- They're so simple,
yet the children seem to
love them, don't you, honey?
Because they have to use
their imaginations.
It's fun, right?
- It's fun!
- [toot]
I'm sorry. It's fun.
See how funny that is?
Look at this!
What, they're advertising
guns to children?
Oh, no! They're BB guns.
They're only BB guns.
These fire
real metal pellets?
Real, little, tiny,
tiny metal pellets.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
You just put this thing down.
You could put
somebody's eye out
with one of these things.
Step away from the guns!
Where's the manager?
I demand to speak
with the manager!
Cigarettes are on
the third floor.
I just remembered.
Let's go, let's go!
Here, son.
[Present]
Santa, keep the kids
away from the guns!
[Jack]
Yeah, Santa!
Now, these are,
in my opinion,
the closest to Cuban
you'll find.
Word has it,
President Kennedy himself
sent a box to Castro
just to show him
how we do things here
in the U.S. of A.
- Excuse me.
- One moment, little lady.
- Excuse me.
- I said one moment.
I suggest you put the reins
on your wife, pal.
Okay, I got a couple
of questions for you.
Now, I have a friend.
How tall is he?
He's about like that.
Yeah, with a green vest
and a red tie.
What's his name?
Christmas Past.
Chris Maspast.
Chris, first name--
Yeah, he walked off
about three minutes ago.
Yeah, where'd he go?
He asked me where
the hat department was,
and I told him it was
on the second floor.
Thank you so much.
You're... welcome.
[Man on P.A.]
Good evening, shoppers.
Two hours until closing.
Two hours until closing.
Merry Christmas.
Hey! Past!
There goes
jolly old St. Nick
He's gonna
make his rounds again
[continues]
Sorry!
Santa! This is the real one!
- [horn honks]
- Watch where you're going!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Go!
[driver]
What is this, a parade?
Stop! Stop!
[Jack]
Stop! We'll get him.
[panting]
Come on, come on.
Keep running.
Oh, wonderful!
Past, what are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?
Why couldn't you
just leave me be?
Just give us
the candy cane chronometer.
We'll go back to the office
and sort this out.
You know, I was really
looking forward to the '60s.
It was a great decade.
You know,
you leave me no choice.
- No, no, no, don't!
- Don't you do that!
- I'm gonna do it, yeah.
- No, no, no!
What the--
You came, too?
Since my chronometer broke,
we're all connected to yours.
Oh, well...
Stay here and
don't talk to anyone!
I won't!
Hey, am I invisible?
[Present]
No!
Do I have
any superpowers?
No!
Well, it's
Christmastime again
Let all your good cheer in
It's Christmastime
It's Christmastime again
Past!
You're causing a lot of trouble
at the Bureau, you know.
Ohh!
I don't like to be alone.
I'm scared!
So grab your baby
and hold her tight
Keep her warm
by the fire light
You know, it's Christmastime
It's Christmastime again
You know, it's Christmastime
It's Christmastime again
Well, it's Christmastime
It's Christmastime again
Hi.
I missed you.
- Hi.
- I lost him.
Oh.
I gotta ask you a question.
How did we get
where we are right now?
Well, Past time-jumped,
and we're connected
with him,
so that means we're now
somewhere else in time.
Okay, we're somewhere
in time.
Can you be that
much more specific?
Well, we can only travel
to a Christmas Eve
in your past,
so that means that
you are somewhere nearby.
Okay, but when you say,
"You are nearby,"
- you don't mean this you.
- No, young you.
"Young you" is nearby.
[sighs]
Okay.
Now, do we--
do we hide here and--
Oh, come here!
Young me.
That's you?
What have you done now?
My ski broke off.
So where and when are we?
Okay, Aspen, Colorado,
Christmas Eve 1978,
the Ski Valley Lodge,
and this is my honeymoon.
Did, uh, did the ski
break up with you,
or did you break up
with the ski?
- I broke up with it.
- [laughs]
I caught it slipping around
with the luge.
Behind my back!
Well, don't worry.
There's a million skis
in the sea.
What, jealous?
It's okay, we're married.
[laughing]
You know, after this,
I think they go into
the game room
and make sweet love
on the pool table.
Too much information.
We have less than two hours.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Sucker.
What are they wearing?
I like it. Back then,
people dressed kind of--
- Cheesy?
- Huh.
Are you folks
checking in?
- Yes.
- No.
We're browsing.
Well, you might
as well make yourselves
comfortable.
The snowstorm
has closed all
the roads down.
Nobody is coming
or going anywhere
until tomorrow.
That's right, that's right.
I remember.
The whole lodge
is snowed in.
No one gets in or out,
and there's no place else
to stay for miles.
Okay, so if Past is here,
he is here.
Okay, so we need to
find you a hiding spot.
- Yes.
- Because the last thing
we need
is you sneezing
on the younger version
of yourself,
and when you get back
to the present,
you'll find
the world is ruled
by giant talking apes.
Yeah, right,
like that can happen.
Could that happen?
That-- could that-- whoa!
Hey! Stay put
while I look for him.
This is small!
Yeah. Just think
about those apes.
Oh, man.
Excuse me.
Uh, where would a girl go
around here
if she were from
another plane of existence
and looking
to have some fun?
Um, I'm sorry, miss,
I'm already spoken for.
Excuse me?
Oh, I beg your pardon,
miss.
Um... some fun.
Uh, we have a lovely bar,
just down the hall there.
That's where we'll be
holding our annual
"Deck the Halls"
disco dance
later this evening.
Just down the hall,
to your left.
Great.
Thank you so much.
Uh, excuse me.
What can I get for you?
Oh, no. I don't drink.
But I'm looking
for a friend.
He's about this tall,
and he has a green vest
and a red tie.
What's his name?
Chris.
Chris, uh, Maspast.
Christmas Past.
Uh, yeah, yeah,
he was just in here,
uh, him and Rudolph,
and Blitzer.
Yeah, you know, they, uh,
ordered a couple of ciders.
It's "Blitzen."
[fanfare plays on TV]
Stay tuned for
the Star Wars Holiday Special.
Fascinating.
I have to pee.
I have to!
Hey!
Where's your most
out-of-the-way restroom?
Just down the hall
and to your left.
The holiday season is
getting weirder every year.
[Alison]
Aah! Jack! Stop it!
[laughing]
No! Come here, come here!
Ohh! The game room!
Oh, no!
Okay. There's nobody in here.
Okay. Well, we could, uh...
play pool.
Hmm.
[Alison]
Jack, you are the best.
[giggles]
I was the best.
[TV: dramatic music]
May the Force be with you.
Did you like Star Wars?
Uh, I've never
seen it before.
I've seen it 12 times.
My name's Mike.
Pre-- Addy.
Praddy.
Uh, Patty. Patty.
Can I buy you a drink, Patty?
Sure.
So what do you
want to do tonight?
I don't know.
I was thinking, uh,
maybe we could go to
the "Deck the Halls"
disco thing?
Oh, they're showing
It's a Wonderful Life
in one of the ballrooms.
- I wanted to watch that.
- Jack, come on.
Don't be a bore.
I wanna go dancing.
It's a classic.
Okay, fine.
Go to your movie.
I'll just stay in the room.
Okay. Well, it's only
a couple of hours,
and then I'll come back
and take you ice skating.
All right.
Well, whatever we do,
let's go back to the room, okay?
I wanna take a nap.
Oh.
Jack!
I was boring.
Oh.
You gonna be awhile?
Gonna be, uh--
Psst!
All right. Bye-bye. Yes?
Do you remember
that tall blonde lady
that I was here earlier with?
- Yes.
- Yeah, have you seen her?
Yes, just down the hall,
to your left.
Oh, good.
Down the hall. Okay.
She's very attractive,
isn't she?
If you like that sort.
Yeah, I do.
[laughs]
Mmm.
- Mmm!
- And then Chewbacca...
just like, "Grrr!"
Hi, kids, how are ya?
- Jack, hey!
- Hey!
- This a friend of yours?
- Oh, yes!
Jack! He's a friend
that I've known from 1965.
Has it been that long?
Listen, can I talk to my buddy
here alone for just a moment?
- Actually, I was just--
- Beat it!
I don't think
he's right for you.
Hi!
I told you to stay put.
If I'd have done that,
I couldn't have seen you
trying to pick up
a strange guy at the bar.
I didn't pick him up.
He was picking me up.
Was he? Are you drunk?
No, I most certainly am not.
Ah! So you're celebrating
because you found Past.
No!
But the Past that I know
will show up
where the booze is,
sooner or later.
Good plan, huh?
That's a great plan!
Do you have any idea
what time it is right now?
Oh, silly, it doesn't matter
what time it is now, here,
because we're on Bureau time.
Oh!
And it's, uh...
Oh, no.
Where'd the time go?
Ah, well, you drank it.
Bartender,
can I get some coffee
for this lady?
Her little friend there
told me to beat it.
Did you get her drunk?
I was working on it.
She's had, like,
four or five beers.
- Is she having a good time?
- I think so, yeah.
Well, good!
Good job.
Thank you.
Thanks, mister.
No, no, no, coffee!
Actually, it's from
the gentleman
over there.
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- You tricked me!
- I'm sorry.
I got a little
carried away.
It was
Christmas Eve
and all.
You put a lot of things
at risk.
We need to get back.
No, not right away.
Yes, right away.
No, not right away!
I need
a little more time.
I've been dreaming
about this for years.
I want to be
a human again,
even if just
for a little while.
You cannot blame me
for that!
No, listen,
I'm gonna tackle him,
take his magic cane,
and we're going back!
No, it doesn't work
that way!
The chronometer
is set to our
individual rhythms.
It's true.
Either we all go back,
or nobody goes back.
That's right, so you
might want to listen
to my little proposal.
Now, according
to the clock
at the Bureau
of Yuletide Affairs,
we have one hour
and fifteen minutes.
That's plenty of time.
I'll make you a deal.
Give me 60 minutes
to enjoy myself.
Drink my drink,
smoke
a few cigarettes,
maybe dance a little,
and then I'll meet you
back here at midnight.
- And if we don't?
- Well, if you don't,
then I'll
pop us through time
like a pinball machine
until it's too late
for anybody.
Now, do we have a deal?
Okay, we have a deal.
Well, good.
Then I will see
you kids later.
Have a good time.
I know I will.
Well, I think
I handled that well.
Yeah, yeah,
especially the end,
where you let him
walk away from us.
Good.
I didn't have a choice.
So... what are we
gonna do till midnight?
[coughing]
Good stuff.
This is disgusting.
Yeah, yep.
And it turns out
in the future
we find that they're
actually bad for you, too.
What about this?
Oh, that's fine,
drink up.
So you can't
remember anything?
Well, I mean,
I can remember basic skills
and functions and whatnot.
You know, I remember
how to tie my shoes,
and use a computer, and...
I am surprisingly good
at kung fu. It's just...
I don't really have a sense
of life in the past.
Why did they
do that to you?
I don't know.
I guess the head office
didn't want
any one of the Ghosts
having too much power.
You know, so we can all
only remember the past,
the present,
or the future.
Well, the past
is overrated, believe me.
But you know
the present, right?
Pretty much, I mean,
the present being today.
- Mm-hmm.
You know everything?
- Yes.
I can ask you anything,
and you could answer.
- Sure.
- Where's Madonna?
In her bathroom.
Where's
my wedding ring?
In the bottom
of your sock drawer.
Where's my daughter?
She's making out
with Chip Wattingham
in the front seat
of his car.
I'm kidding.
[chuckles]
She's in the back seat.
You're pretty funny
for a dead chick.
Yeah? You're pretty handsome.
What?
What?
What'd you say?
You know,
I think it's getting
kind of busy in here.
We probably should get going.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
Because of the giant
talking apes?
Yes, and we don't want you
bumping into yourself.
If I bump into myself,
that could change
everything and--
- Exactly.
- What was it you said
a minute ago?
- I think we should go.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Hey, thanks a lot!
Merry Christmas!
Hey, hey, man!
What the hell is this?
[Jack]
All right, okay.
[Present]
We need a place to hide
until Past comes back.
We'll find a place. Oh!
This looks good.
How about here?
- What?
- Come on in here.
Hey, buddy!
You were headed for 2...
- 215?
- Exactly.
I'm not there anymore.
I'm down here, so hold this.
Hold this.
Thank you. Make sure
nobody bothers us, okay?
- Yeah.
- Enjoy, enjoy.
What are we doing in here?
Well, you said to find
a good place to hide,
and I'd say this is
a great place to hide.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, I don't think so.
Listen,
we still have time.
Why should Past
have all the fun?
Are you okay...
Present?
Yes. This is great.
This was a great idea.
Thanks.
You know, I can kind
of understand why Past
wanted to be human again.
Is he gonna be in trouble
when we go back?
Oh, yeah.
Are you gonna be
in trouble?
Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm not gonna
allow that to happen.
I'm gonna tell 'em
that you did everything
humanly possible
to get his little butt
back there,
and you'll be okay,
trust me.
You're an interesting guy,
Jack.
Thanks.
You are--
What's the word?
Perfect.
So, um, what happened
with your wife?
She tricked me.
I thought we had
a happy marriage...
for almost 20 years.
And then one day, bam.
You had no idea?
No warning sign?
No.
I mean, we had
the usual disagreements.
I worked too much.
I didn't spend
enough time with her.
She'd get really upset.
But then a few days later,
suddenly she'd get over it.
Now I know what she was
getting to get over it.
And the worst part
is the way she did it.
During my daughter's
Christmas recital.
She got up,
walked out the door,
hopped on that dentist,
and took off
out of our lives.
He wasn't
even a good dentist.
I mean, if he had
been an astronaut,
I'd understand,
but...
it's not right.
How did your daughter
handle it?
Well, obviously
better than me.
She's a strong kid.
I guess the thing...
that hurts me is
that I wasted
so many years of my life
on somebody that
obviously did not love me.
That's not what it said
in the report.
What report?
The one on you.
According to our records,
you had a better than average
marriage.
And it produced a daughter
that you love very much.
So you must've enjoyed those
18 years at least a little bit
while it was happening.
There were moments.
Maybe she was doing the best
that she could do at the time.
So why not
let the good memories
outshine the bad memories?
You don't have
memories, do ya?
No, and that's what I mean.
Don't blow it, Jack.
You know, I thought that
what we did was magic,
but this-- oh, my gosh--
this is the magic.
I mean, you still
have a chance.
Some of us don't.
Are you unhappy?
At this moment in time,
I am very happy.
That makes me
very happy, too.
To hot tubs
and time travel.
Whoa.
What?
I'm having a weird feeling.
Describe it.
I don't know.
I think I have to
go to the bathroom.
- You think?
- Well, I don't know, Jack.
I haven't been a human
in a long time.
You could've fooled me
'cause you're
really good at it.
Hold that thought.
I will.
Baby, baby, baby, hey
Ooh, yeah, hey
[disco]
It's 11:30.
He said he'd be here
by midnight.
Yeah.
Jack?
Okay!
Come on!
[slow tempo]
Jack.
Yeah?
I'm having
the weirdest feeling.
You have to tinkle again?
No.
Just... I feel, um...
I don't remember feeling
anything like this.
It's about you.
Just... I wish
we had more time.
Well... there's no time
like the present.
I thought she
was taking a nap.
I'll be right back.
- Hey. How ya doin'?
- Hi.
Name's Vincent.
Alison.
Now, see, that's
a beautiful name.
A beautiful name
for a beautiful girl.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So, um...
Are you here
at the lodge alone?
Yeah, sure am.
Hey, do you have a room?
Sure do.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, 433.
Why don't I go freshen up,
and I'll meet you there
in 10 minutes.
Yeah!
[chuckles]
Um, pardon me.
[scoffs]
On our honeymoon.
Nobody hits on
my future ex-wife!
Hey! Hey!
Come on, you guys!
You know, I'm a personal
friend of John Travolta.
Oh!
Hey, hey, Curtis.
Curtis!
Hey, it's Joey, man,
your roommate Joey.
Grandmaster Flash?
Hey, you know that new sound
you was looking for?
Well, listen to this!
[groaning]
- Jack?
- Hey.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, I started a fight.
Pretty stupid, huh?
No, it was stupid
to leave you on
the dance floor.
I wanna finish
what we started.
[growls]
Get him, honey!
[screams]
Well, hello!
You're here!
Oh, yeah, but I'm not
too happy about it.
Take us back!
Now!
Jack!
Thank you, darlin'!
Come on!
Yes!
Who are you?
Ebenezer Scrooge,
I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Present.
Boo!
That is completely
unrealistic.
Oh, my head.
What happened?
Um...
A big guy
hit you really hard.
Yeah, then what?
Then you
kicked his butt.
Oh, I thought so.
And what are we doing--
- Just stay here.
- Okay.
What are you doing?
We have to get back.
I'm not going back.
What?
You heard me.
I am taking control of my life.
You don't have a life.
Exactly, because of this job.
Look, we were handpicked
for our positions.
This is
a worthwhile service.
You having a good time?
What does that
have to do with anything?
Jumping back in time,
drinking, dancing,
wanting to smooch.
So what if I am?
You, of all people,
should understand
where I am coming from.
You're the Ghost
who got the worst deal.
You can't even remember
the good times!
There is no time
like the present.
That's because you
haven't been enlightened.
Go with me?
Oh, we could go
hopping through time!
It would be a hoot!
If we're not back
in a half-an-hour,
Jack Cameron
will cease to exist.
Oh!
Small price to pay
for our happiness.
Don't you think
we're owed this?
No!
Nooo!
Cruel world!
You have seen the future,
Ebenezer.
Oh! That's my daughter!
[Boy]
How can this be future?
How can I be dead?
[Girl]
We all die, Ebenezer.
It is how we live
that makes us who we are.
Tonight you have seen your past,
your present, and your future.
It is now time for you
to realize what your life means.
I don't understand!
It is not what
has happened to us
in the past that makes us
who we are, Scrooge,
neither is it
this hour's situations
in the present.
It's what's in our hearts.
Our hearts?
What happens to us
in the past
should not dictate
to who we are in the future.
We use our hearts
to go through life
and play the hand
we're dealt
to make the most of the time
we have on this earth.
Yes!
Yes, it's true!
I have learned
the true meaning
of Christmas.
[applause]
Hey!
You're gonna miss the end.
Jack,
what are you doing?
Why did you--
Why did you
change your clothes?
Cheating on your husband while
your daughter's on stage
on Christmas Eve?
Wh-What are you
talking about?
I'm just going out to the car
to get some lipstick.
You mean,
like on our honeymoon,
when you did not go to
the "Deck the Halls" disco
and did not try
to pick up that guy?
You knew about that?
Yeah. I also know you're
on your way to the coat check,
where you're gonna hook up
with Dr. Roland, DDS.
What, are you psychic
or something?
You always were funny,
Alison.
And I'm gonna miss that
about ya.
Okay, so now you know.
What do you want from me?
I want to thank you.
You want to thank me
for cheating on you.
No, I want to
thank you for 18 years of
an above-average marriage.
And I want to thank you
for mothering a wonderful,
beautiful daughter
who, if all goes well,
will grow up to be
absolutely nothing like you.
And I want to thank you
for leaving me right now
while I still have
a few years left
to enjoy my life
without you.
You're welcome.
Right.
Well, get her goin'.
The doctor is in.
That's right.
Bye.
I got some bad news for him.
He's lost a loyal customer.
Tick-tock, time's wasting.
What's it gonna be?
No.
No, I can't do this.
We need to go home.
No, no, no, no, no.
We don't need
to do anything, my dear.
We're ghosts.
And if you want this...
[imitates ticking clock]
you're gonna have to take it
out of my cold, dead hands.
[screams]
[grunting]
Hey, Pres! You should've
seen me back there!
- Take us home!
- No, you can't make me!
- What are you doing?
- Stay out of this, Jack!
This is between me and him!
[Past]
Time is almost... up!
[beeping]
[swing]
When the Christmas lights
are twinkling
Cool. We're in
black and white.
Where are we?
Hey.
Those are my parents,
and that's me.
He tricked me!
My mom is hot.
[baby gurgles]
Nine minutes until
Christmas Day, Jack.
Let's find him.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
We have to get
out of here!
It doesn't matter
what time we're stuck in
or what place,
as long as we're
stuck in it together.
Oh, that is
the sweetest thing that
anyone has ever said to me,
but no, I have to do my job!
We'll get you another job.
Eight minutes until
Christmas Day, Jack.
Dance with me.
Jack, no, we don't
have enough time!
1958 was
a very good year.
Ooh.
I'll say.
Oh, Jack, no.
There is something
that I have to tell you.
I know.
You love me.
No!
Uh, I mean--
I mean, yes, probably.
I love you, too.
Just listen to me!
This isn't about us.
This is about you
and what is gonna happen in...
seven minutes.
If we don't get you
back in time,
then all of your Christmases
will no longer be.
Uh-huh.
And that means
that old Jack Cameron
will cease to exist.
So?
So if you cease to exist,
that means you were
never married!
My God, that's
good news, honey!
Jack, that means...
you never had Suzanne.
So my daughter...
Will never be.
No. You can't do that.
See, that's unacceptable.
If it's me,
that's one thing,
but not her.
Believe me,
she's special.
That kid, I promise you,
makes the world
a better place
to live in.
Five minutes, Jack.
You!
Yes!
Oh!
Come back,
you scum little man!
Whoa!
Oh! Sorry!
Why did he have to
break that snowflake?
[clang]
Hey!
Oh.
Get back over here!
Okay, here goes.
Uh!
Oh!
Oh, my...
Ow!
- That hurt!
- Hey!
You're not gonna take
my daughter away from me.
Too late.
It's Christmas Day!
Not yet, it isn't!
Jack, 15 seconds.
So I better go now, huh?
What? Are you crazy?
Probably,
but it'll be fine!
Don't worry!
Not so fast.
- Oh!
- Why did you stop me?
- Future?
- Future?
You people certainly know
how to create a mess.
[Jack]
Who's that?
That's, uh, my boss.
Oh, hey,
she did a great job.
That other guy, he's rotten,
but she's pretty great.
Nice to see you all.
Past, you have done
the most selfish thing
anyone has ever done
in the history of time.
And I checked.
Yeah, well,
I'm not sorry
for what I did.
I know, and that's why
you're being replaced.
Replaced?
You can't
replace me!
Why not?
Because!
I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Past!
I've been doing this
for 2,000 years!
Who could possibly be
qualified to replace me?
Well, we held a meeting,
and decided on someone
with a strong spirit,
someone who would appreciate
the past for what it is,
someone who, in retrospect,
has been overlooked
and neglected for 2,000 years.
You.
Me?
Her?!
That's right.
The head office decided
it would be best.
You've been deprived
of the past for so long,
you'll be granted
the knowledge
of all of it.
Hey!
What about me?
What am I supposed to do?
Don't worry.
We have a position
all lined up for you.
[laughing]
[screaming]
Is she okay?
She'll be fine.
She was just given
the memories of
all of civilization.
Give her a moment
to adjust.
I want my mommy.
I want my mommy!
[crying]
Mommy!
Ahh!
Ahh.
So what happens to me?
It's Christmas.
You get to go home.
And I'll take you.
Whoa, it's here.
It's still here.
Oh.
What a night, huh?
It was great.
And what you said
to your wife
was pretty good.
It felt good.
Oh, Jack, you and I...
No, you don't have
to say anything.
I gotta...
Just try not to forget me.
Oh, I won't.
I will always
remember you...
now that I can.
Merry Christmas, Jack.
God bless us, every one.
Mmm!
Dad?
Honey!
Oh! Oh, thank God
you're here, baby.
How are you?
Oh, boy!
Where have you
been all night?
What day is it?
Well, it's Christmas Day.
It's Christmas!
Oh, great!
Perfect! Thank you!
Oh!
Are you drunk?
No!
No, I haven't had a drink
since 1978.
Look, Dad, I'm sorry
for calling you a psycho.
No, honey.
Don't be sorry
because I was a psycho.
I was a crazy psycho!
You are drunk.
No, no, no,
listen to me, baby.
Christmas should
never be forgotten.
It's a time to be kind
to strangers and--
and celebrate life.
Merry Christmas,
sweetheart!
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Okay.
Okay, go get changed.
Where are we going?
We're gonna go spread
some Christmas joy.
Are you kidding me?
Come on! Hey!
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Captioned by Caption Files