1
Damon Cleaners Cleansing
House, Body, and Soul,
getting rid of what's haunting
you, that's our goal.
How can I help you?
That's right, hauntings,
demon possessions,
seances gone awry.
Can you describe
the ghoulish noise?
What is like a, "Ooo" or more like,
"Your mother sucks cocks in hell."
Okay, the first one.
Okay, great.
How many times did
you say Bloody Mary?
- Sir, where is the doll now?
- Guesstimate.
- Did the doll ask you to play a game?
- Ooh, okay.
- Do not say yes. - That's a problem.
- Never say yes to a doll's game.
If they said, "We'll be back"
then they'll definitely be back.
You can take that to the bank.
Your wife stares at you
while you're sleeping?
Yeah, that could definitely
be paranormal activity.
Honestly, that's where it
starts most of the time.
Ma'am, put down the Ouija board.
I need you to put it down and do
not ask it any more questions.
Demon Cleaners.
No, we don't do dry cleaning.
- We press shirts?
- No.
No, sorry.
Who the fuck is that?
It's just weird.
No, no, sir, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I know.
I know I shouldn't
have taken the money.
I know, I'm sorry, I fucked up.
I can... I can get it back.
I can get it all back.
I can get it...
Shut up.
Man, you sound annoying.
What I need right now are a couple
of bullets to the back of your head.
No, please,
don't kill me.
If you've seen my face, kid,
you're already dead.
No, no, I can get it back.
I just need... No.
Alright,
please turn off all computers,
laptops, iPads,
iPhones, et cetera.
Have you used any of
these devices in the last hour?
- Great, that's that then.
- Okay, insane.
- It's too late. They're in.
- They're already in.
- It's too late.
- Oh, one is getting angry.
This is stupid.
It's in the boy.
It's in the boy.
- Out, demon.
- Out.
Out of this young man.
Let him go from your grasp.
Oh my God, damn it, Jim.
I told you we should've
taken care of this sooner.
- This may be too late and it probably is.
- It probably is.
Honestly, I don't know if
there's hope for your child.
Quiet, do you hear that?
I don't hear anything.
Zip it, Damien.
Now, this house has a lot
of demonic forces in here, okay?
I need you to close your eyes.
Remember, the eyes
are the gateway to the soul,
do not allow
the ghosts into your gateway.
And these demons will
get in your gateway, people.
Yeah, no peeking
or the, um, the demons
will, you know,
really have at it.
That's right.
- There's something drawing 'em, I can't find it.
- Yeah, I can't find it either.
Alright, listen.
Do you have any silver?
- We have my grandmother's silver.
- Those are priceless antiques.
- There it is.
- Silvers hide, yeah. That's it.
- We give it to 'em.
- It's a magnet
for all the demonic forces.
Where is it at?
It's in the top drawer.
Finally, thank you.
Someone cares
about their family, great.
- Oh, yeah, you hear that?
- Oh, yeah, I hear it. I hear it.
- They don't want me in here.
- Do you have any jewelry? Let me take this
because I feel like
they're hanging on,
they're probably
attracted to that.
Demons can come in
at any time, people.
- Any time.
- We got to go, Mol.
Alright, let's go and you, I
got my eyes on you, Chucky.
My name is Miles.
Sure it is.
Yep, you see what I'm
getting here, Atticus?
It's getting a hot, hot room.
- Yep, a lot of levels here.
- The tapestry. Wow.
- Look at this, this is dropping.
- This house is haunted, I told you.
- Oh, God.
- I was touched by a ghost.
Sexual abuse by a ghost
is very common, ma'am.
That's right.
If we don't catch this ghost,
he will likely
sexually offend again.
- No, you weren't sexually abused by a ghost.
- Blame the victim, you know.
Ma'am, it is not your fault, ghosts are vicious
sexual predators, everyone knows that.
That's right, ma'am. If a ghost
does want to enter to you, he will.
It had nothing to do with
the nightie you were wearing.
Alright,
get the fuck outta here.
Your work is up gone.
It's ended.
It's done. Get out.
Mom, tell them to get out.
You can't register as a sex
offender when you're a ghost.
The government
isn't set up for that.
- Not yet.
- Yeah.
Okay,
we are talking to Congress.
Make your bill count
it's called the Casper law.
Other ghosts don't turn on each other.
They won't rat each other out.
It is like this invisible code,
so it's very hard.
Very hard for someone like you.
Get the fuck out.
Psychopaths, outta here.
We'd like to be done,
but we're not.
We'll go when it does.
Mom.
Mom.
Speak your name,
vicious, sexual ghost.
Begone, overly
sexual poltergeist.
Your reign of elder abuse
ends here and ends now.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- Okay, that's it.
No, get out or
The Power of my Fist Compel You.
- Get these people out of my house.
- Wow.
Then we had this
incident the other night.
It's just been a bizarre,
psycho situation.
- We need your help.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know what it is, a ghost, demons, sounds.
- I'm sensing something.
They need to get out,
I can't sleep.
It's not like
anyone got murdered here.
Some presence came in from
some other bullshit
and we need...
- Disturbance like a chill.
- Yeah, you know, whatever you
can do to sweep
this bitch out of here.
I can't have that in my world.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, ghosts don't
care how they die.
No, they do not care.
They will linger,
they'll linger loose.
Um, they will watch you shower.
Oh, yeah, ghosts ain't
got no shame in the game.
- None.
- Yeah.
You ever feel
an extra hand on the loofah?
- It's the ghost.
- Ghost. -Oh, no.
Atticus, why don't
you salt the perimeter.
I'm gonna salt it.
Getting readings this way.
Getting a lot of readings,
lot of hot readings.
There's definitely
an evil presence in here.
- I'm gonna clear that for you.
- I felt it.
- I think we're good.
- I think we got the presence.
Call if there's
a problem, there won't be.
If you guys need anything,
you should give us a call.
We've taken the evil presence
and take it with us.
- Ticket to go.
- Awesome.
You're all clear.
This place has been swept.
Think it worked?
You think that shit worked?
I don't feel anything.
- Yuck.
- Argh.
- You did terrible tonight.
- I did terrible?
- Yes.
- You grabbed that.
I don't know,
I thought it would be festive.
- Argh.
- Oh my gosh.
- How much old lady stuff can one person fence?
- I know. Jesus.
- Oh, look at that.
- Whoa, what's that?
I don't know. It's like Legos.
Looks like it's
Legos in a teapot?
Hmm, it's candy.
It could be candy.
Da, da, da, it could be drugs.
You can't just be popping pills,
this isn't the '90s.
What kind of pills
would they be?
Could be that new bath salts.
You take it,
next thing you know,
you start eating
each other's faces.
Ah, I know I'd be delicious.
You're not gonna want
seconds of this?
People be lining up, they wanna
get a slice of this face.
There's over 500 pills here.
Atticus, we have to bring these back.
Someone's gonna
definitely miss these.
I don't remember
what house I got them from.
Atticus, think. We're gonna
wake up tomorrow morning,
there's gonna be a Columbian
necktie wrapped around our necks.
Even if I did remember where I got them, what
are we gonna do? Just knock on their door
and say, "Hello, Mr. and Mrs.
Crime Boss, sorry we robbed you,
here's your drugs back,
we'll be on our merry way."
We're gonna be waterboarded,
I promise you that right now.
- I'm not a strong swimmer.
- You think I'm gonna get my bangs wet?
They get all curly.
You know what that looks like?
Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe it's just candy.
Maybe no one is gonna miss it.
But we have to know for sure.
Can't just trust that it's candy. We got
to find someone that's gonna try these.
Someone who doesn't
have a fuck left to give.
I got a guy.
What I did here was I paired this train
wreck which is a high-grade indica
with these Totino's gourmet pepperoni
pizza brawls, girl. You like that?
Wow, it's a really
bold pairing, right.
I know, good looking.
Yeah, it really brings out
the subtle flavors
of the microwaved meat.
Hey, don't even trip
on that, check this out.
I'm just gonna
sprinkle a little kefir here.
I call that kefir savoring.
Yeah.
Kefir savoring
is too intense for my taste.
Don't trip, suck on this.
- Hmm.
- You like that?
The Alexander the Great
Party Pop.
Cools down the richness
of the kefir savoring.
- Wow.
- Wow, mm-hmm.
Real... Wow, really
another great pairing, Rawhide.
- Yeah, I know.
- It's great.
You have a very
sophisticated palate.
Appreciate it,
right on.
- So we did come here for a reason.
- Yeah, wassup?
- Yeah, uh, we found these pills.
- Oh, give them to me.
- We're not sure...
- We don't know if they're any good.
Or poisonous.
Don't trip, I'll go take them.
Okay. Take it.
No, Imma go take 'em.
Go ahead and take it.
Oh, no, no, no, Imma go take.
- Go ahead and... take it.
- Take it.
- No, Imma go.
- Oh.
- He's gonna put it in his penis hole?
- Penis hole?
That's the first hole
you think of?
Where else would he put it?
Who puts things
in their penis hole?
Japanese.
Rhetorical question.
He's putting it in his anus.
Oh, that's the 3rd hole
I was gonna say.
The 3rd?
Well, I stole
the cookies from the cookie jar.
Who me? Yes, you. It could be.
Then who? The hoes.
Hand-job, baby.
Oh, ooh,
look at you, little manna.
I wouldn't let you
be out here by yourself.
Rawhide, I want you
to fuck me in the mouth.
- Fuck me in the mouth?
- I know.
What is that?
I can
show you the world.
- No one wants to see that.
- No, you can't.
Put it away, Princess Jasmine.
No.
Oh, ouch.
Chaite, Chai... Joe, ooh.
What are you doing?
Marketing, everyone's gonna
want these pills
when they see this.
- Ooh-we, I can suck my own dick.
- No, Rawhide.
No, you cannot.
That's not humanly possible.
Oh, yeah, I can if I go back in time.
If I can go faster, I can do it.
I can reverse time just like
Superman, he saved Lois Lane.
Now he's using Superman-logic.
Imma suck this dick, watch this.
Whoa, he's really going for it.
- Oh, yeah.
- He might make it.
Ow, I can taste the tip.
I can suck my own dick.
Oh, yeah, it's working, baby.
Oh, yeah, wow.
I can taste the tip.
Our Taste the Tip video
has over 300,000 views.
Are we settled on
that name, Taste the Tip?
Okay, the comment section is
filled with
people's contact information.
Everyone is begging
to buy these pills.
We don't even
know what they are.
Are pill poppers
that discerning?
That's a good point,
but selling drugs?
- We're gonna be drug dealers?
- It's better than being petty thieves.
Is it? You know, I didn't force you
into having no marketable skill set.
Remember when I met you? You were
outside spinning signs, trying to
get people to
purchase Liberty Insurance.
Hey, my squat and pop was the
envy of all the other spinners.
Should you be
bragging about that?
- Oh, look who it is, Kaitlin.
- Uh, yeah, so?
She's just sending me
advert jobs that she found.
Oh, that's what this is. You're trying
to please her Khaleesi Kaitlin...
- No.
- ...Mother of Dragons, keeper of your nuts.
She's just being helpful.
She's making some really good points
on some of these 400 tests.
She's gonna eventually
trap you with a pregnancy.
- Molly.
- I'm telling you. I know her type.
- She's grooming you, getting you nice and soft.
- Okay.
And then she's gonna
bring you to the slaughter.
Because that's what marriage is?
- Yes, she's gonna have you bleed out slowly.
- Okay.
That's what marriage
is to me, pretty much.
I live with my thrice divorced,
barely functioning, alcoholic mother,
- what do you think?
- Who takes care of who in that situation?
No one knows.
We're just functionally
dependent and codependents.
It's nice. We both need
each other to an extreme.
Yeah, maybe Kaitlin's right.
Maybe I do need something more stable.
- Like selling drugs?
- I can't keep doing this hustle.
I'm tired of this. Stealing people's
watches, ripping people off.
We're doing them a service. We buy into the
delusion that they're being haunted, okay?
They feel better at the end. We get rid of
their demons and yeah, we make a little profit
- and you don't have to go around town doing your pooping squat.
- It's pop, squat and pop.
You look like you were taking a
dump out there, it's all I'm saying.
Alright, clearly, I'm the only
person who cares about our future.
Our future, yours and mine
or yours and Kaitlin's?
- Uh...
- Yeah, okay, well, whatever, mixed signals.
All I'm saying is
we can sell these for at
least 25 bucks each
and we have over 500 of them.
- Give me the list.
- Thank you.
- I'll take that one.
- Alright, fine.
I'll go to the cabin.
You go to the cabin.
I'll go to the cabin.
I'm not going to the cabin,
you go to the cabin.
Fine.
Okay, I'll take the restaurant
- 'cause you have food allergies.
- Okay.
- Are you still gluten sensitive?
- I have a number of things I really don't
wanna talk about
because you make fun of them.
I'm just saying you have a
lot of inflammation for a man.
Look at my skin, it's pale.
I'm not going to the beach, FYI.
You're pretty translucent,
I would not recommend that.
We don't want to
startle people at the beach.
- Fine, we'll do this and then meet back.
- Cool.
I don't like this. I just want the record
to show I think this is a bad idea.
Great,
that probably means it's great.
- Well, let's do this.
- Alright.
- I see a lot of girls every week.
- Right.
But I'm really looking
for somebody really special,
somebody who's got that special
quality that you never see.
I want girls that really wanna make
some money in this business, okay?
- Yeah, of course.
- I can get you the job, but in order for
- you to make money, you have to put up the extra effort.
- I could do a little extra.
Alright, great, so why-why
don't you just get comfortable.
One sec.
Good, good, you're just in time.
- What's going on here?
- Why, you wanna work with us?
You know, I can work with you.
You know, you make
very good content, you know?
Taste the Tip and all.
That was great.
What?
Alright.
No, no, cut.
Wha... what is this?
You are disgusting.
You're ridiculous.
What do you think, she's put
on this planet just to be there
for you and your friends to
suckle jerk each other off? No.
This girl's got
dreams and aspirations.
She's someone's daughter,
someone's single mom. For shame.
- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Melanie Melons.
No, no, the name your poor
excuse for parents gave you.
Trinity.
Alright,
you never had a chance, did you?
Listen, you're gonna get
in a career college, alright?
- College?
- You start online. That's right.
- You're gonna take some courses, maybe become a dental hygienist.
- But I... I...
Listen, you wanna be an actress?
We're gonna go
to Groundlings, you'll take
some acting classes,
maybe do a one-woman show,
get some comedy in you.
Let's go, Melons.
Let's get you out of here.
- Give me 30 right now, I need it for my flan.
- Okay.
- Everyone loves his desserts.
- Oh, now I know why.
- But you can't have any.
- Thanks for offering.
- I'm hungry. I want a PB&J, no crust.
- What?
A two-star Michelin chef does not
make food for a barnyard horse.
Fuck you, JO, you fucking ass.
You fucking asshole.
Would you stay with a guy
who never ever went down on you?
Go down or go home. That's
a breach of contract, buddy.
I know you know how to cook,
but not how to eat.
Your food needs seasoning, dick.
Fuck.
Nice doing business with you.
Stop looking at her.
Come in.
No, come in here.
- No.
- Okay. Nice to meet you.
There was more room
over on that end of the couch.
Next to us.
You guys are on giggling.
Telling jokes?
Are you guys watching
a funny Kevin Hart movie?
- Taste the Tip pills.
- Oh, yeah.
You guys saw the
video, yeah, but you guys ordered
45 of the pills and there's only
two of you here, so that's...
Meow.
What?
- Meow.
- What?
- Meow. Meow, meow.
- That's okay,
you guys don't have
to make those sound effects.
- Uh.
- Kitty bath.
- I don't need a kitty.
- You do.
- Like hell you do.
- I don't want a kitty. I don't want a kitty cat.
I hate cats or titty
tickle or anything else.
Where's
the goddamn teapot?
Damn it.
Have you seen
my mother's teapot?
I stashed the last
bit of pills in there.
Ever since we killed that guy,
we've been hearing things.
You're about to hear
your skulls hit the pavement.
- Who the fuck was here?
- We called these demon cleaners.
You let motherfucking strangers
into my place of business?
We had to.
What the fuck are you twatholes
standing around for?
Find them.
Go.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, guns and ammo division
is doing really good.
If you get four people
to sign up under you
your business
starts to work for you.
We're not selling guns.
We're selling the opportunity
to run your own business.
That's right,
with a starter gun kit at only
$250, you're on your way
to becoming your own boss.
Yo, I already got
three underneath me, homes.
You're on your way to becoming
head distributor of your territory.
- Hell, yeah, that's right. That's what I'm talking about.
- Okay, next topic.
- Movie night last week was a big bust.
- What?
Paul Blart,
Mall Cop got great reviews.
The sequel was
much stronger in terms
of character development,
ese.
Listen, I told you
we should've gone with Magic Mike XL.
It's a masterpiece with a good story
arc, pendejos. Okay, back to business.
We got major competition
in our Ecstasy and pill market.
Hey, it's not my fucking fault.
Someone's out
there with better shit.
This fool took it, reversed time
just so he can go suck his own dick.
- What the fu...
- I can't fucking compete with that shit.
They even have
video, ese, taking
advantage of
social media and shit.
Check it out.
- O-wee, I can suck my own dick.
- No, Rawhide, no you cannot.
- That's not humanly possible.
- Oh, yeah, I can if I go back in time.
If I can go
faster, I can do it.
I can reverse time just like
Superman, he saved Lois Lane.
Imma suck this dick.
Imma suck this dick, watch this.
Oh, that's some
fucking sick ass shit.
- I can taste the tip.
- Fuck.
- No.
- I can suck my own dick.
- What the...
- Nasty shit.
Fucking gross, man,
put that shit away.
Everyone knows
that.
- That's right. That's it.
- That's it, homie.
- Come on.
- Bring them to me dead.
Or alive?
Dead.
O... okay, I change my mind.
Let's start with alive
and rotate onto dead.
Where the fuck you been?
Oh, I am so sorry.
That's the last
we have, so enjoy.
Okay, smells good.
Thank you.
Next time don't
waste my time, you know.
I ain't got time to just
sit around and wait on your ass.
- No, you look busy.
- Alright.
I'm just gonna get going,
so thanks so much.
They call me Spanks
because I keep shit tight.
And you smell like ass crack?
You know what,
you funny,
but I bet you like to suck dick.
Whoa, don't know how the two are
related, but I don't like sucking dick.
- Yeah, I bet you do.
- No, and anyone who says they like it is lying to you.
Have I done it? Yes.
Do I enjoy it? No.
I mean, if I've done something
wrong maybe I'll give one out.
An emergency blowjob,
I've given,
but one for pleasure,
no, sir, sorry.
Let's go grab something to eat.
Thank you, but I had a
big breakfast, I'm not hungry.
You can eat my dick.
Oh, God, you know,
do you know what that
would mean, if I took
your penis and ingested it?
That means you wouldn't have a penis.
You wouldn't have one.
You'd look down there, it'd
be bare. You'd be a Ken Doll.
You wouldn't have a dick,
and then who'd do the thinking for you?
Dyke.
That's the nicest thing
you've said to me, thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Kick rocks.
You kick rocks.
Hello?
Atticus.
Atticus, where are you?
I just lost a
street debate to a crackhead
about my dick sucking
preferences.
Hey, great story, Molly.
I'm in a bit of a predicament.
Where in the name of fuck
are my pills?
Oh, hi.
Of course
I have your merchandise.
I can get it right back to you.
Well, I'm having a
small supply issue right now.
[Atticus screams]
Atticus? Atticus.
- What were you saying?
- Yeah, yeah, I... I have it. I have your stuff.
Because if you don't have what you
stole from me by tomorrow night,
I'm blowing your friend's brains
all over his
shitty outdated iPhone.
Okay, yeah,
just don't hurt him, okay.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Baby, baby, hey, hey, you okay?
I'm
really not okay and quite
frankly, Spanks, you are
not qualified to help me.
I got what you need.
Again with the penis.
I don't want to eat your penis.
Your penis as a food source
does not interest me.
- Come on, baby, you know me better than that.
- I really don't, Spanks.
But I know you
and you need
shit that you already sold.
Were you listening
to my conversation?
I was and I'll take
that fucking money too.
- Fuck, Spanks.
- Come on.
If I give you this money,
my friend's gonna die.
And if you don't
give it to me, you die.
- You wanna revisit that BJ idea?
- Had your fucking chance.
- Thank you.
- Well, you're not welcome.
Fuck.
Hi, I have some stuff to pawn.
Oh, you're in the right place.
Should we open the bag and see
what's in this big old
black bag of mystery, huh?
You like that.
Tell me about this piece.
Well, it's for sale.
Yeah, tennis comes from the
Latin root word Tenetz Oralis,
which is, uh, to be crushed
or destroy with a racket.
I'm in a bit of a rush, I don't need
the whole backstory to all the...
Yeah, well, Spalding '87,
that's a good year.
Oh, look at this,
the player was left-handed,
that's what these
indentations are right here.
You little lefty.
The high acidity level here.
We had a secreter.
PH like 6.5, 6.7,
probably not good at the game,
that's why
the panic sweats are happening.
Getting all that
from huffing a racket?
Well, I'm an expert, pff.
Hmm, yeah, 10 bucks?
- 15.
- 20.
- Okay.
- Okay, he serves, he scores.
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's the candle stakeholders,
yield wax guzzlers is what we call 'em.
Very nice.
You girls are
thirsty for some wax, huh?
You know,
villagers would put these in
the windows just to
alert of the incoming rapists.
I think they just
help people see in the dark.
Well, they do that,
but they also
alert the presence of
rapists who travel in the dark.
In the dark, yeah. I didn't
think about it like that.
- Mm-hmm, you got to.
- Yeah.
- 15.
- 20.
- 25.
- 30.
You're a brutal
negotiator, sir, okay.
Thank you.
I am fearless.
Oh, pearls.
Fun, fun, fun.
You know pearls are
the gossip girls of the sea.
- I didn't know that.
- That's what they call them.
You, uh,
hold one up to your ear,
you can
hear sounds from the ocean.
Um, I think you mean seashells.
No, no, a pearl is gonna tell
you things that seashell won't.
- Oh.
- Hey, that's what she said.
- Okay.
- Oh, what?
No, I can't say that right now,
she's standing right here.
I'm not gonna tell
her that.
I hate to break up
this gossip session.
A real chatty Cathy there, huh?
What am I going to say to her,
I like her shape?
Okay, okay, we'll
both hang up at the same time.
Yeah, let's hang up the same time.
Let's just finish the conversation.
Alright.
And that right there.
Is that what I think it is?
What do you think it is?
A Valerian silver spoon.
The sword medal
from Game of Thrones.
- Precisely.
- Yeah, yeah, that's definitely what that is.
Yeah.
Ah, it's got some weight to it.
Praise be
the Seven Kingdoms, it is.
I'll give you whatever I have
and my undying devotion.
I'll just take the cash.
I need this.
- You can, you... It's yours.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Jackpot.
What the hell are you doing?
It's a... You've never
heard of a honey facial?
- No.
- Oh, it's great.
- A honey mask?
- Oh, they're good.
No, that sounds filthy.
Oh, no, it's great, it's-it's
actually clean
because it sucks all
the bacteria out of your pores
leaving you smooth and silky.
Oh my God, I'll try that.
Yes, you ever seen
a bee with a wrinkle?
- No. They haven't got it.
- No. I haven't.
- Oh, ow, it's like tingling.
- It's tingling?
- It's working, that means it's working.
- Great. Do I dab it or...
No, it'll burn to
a point where you're
like, "Oh, oh, do I need
to go to see a professional?"
Yeah, this is like just honey?
That's when you wash it off.
Mm-hmm, that's organic honey.
Inspector Reyes,
did you get the video?
- It was sent 45 minutes ago.
- Go for dispatch.
Please confirm
received the video evidence.
That's a negative dispatch,
we didn't get a video.
Yeah, we didn't get a video.
What are they talking about a video?
- We didn't get a video.
- We didn't get a video, they're trying to sandbag.
You guys don't want us
to solve this, do you?
- Don't sandbag us.
- I've seen this before.
- These bees are crazy creatures.
- They send us.
Oh, they did send us something.
- Oh, they did, okay.
- They sent... Okay, it's on...
Sometimes it goes
to your junk mail.
Hold it, it ju... What?
Sometimes it-
things go to your junk mail.
Dispatch, are you still there?
- Copy.
- We got it.
- We're all here.
- We got it now.
- It was in a junk file.
- Well, it wasn't in a junk file,
- but sometimes that happens.
- We got it.
Sometimes things are in junk files, so
we don't, you know, get all our emails.
- You're lucky this time.
- Okay.
Does this car
have a honey holder?
No, this is like... I'll tell you how
to... Is there like a cap on these?
- Yeah. There's a lot of honey.
- Oh, I got the video.
- Okay, okay, great. Okay.
- You know what?
You're gonna have to Sp...
Come on, come on, you're
gonna have to spin around a lot
faster if you want to go back in time.
Oh, yeah, I mean... Do you think he's
got the tip? Is he tasting the tip?
- I can taste the tip.
- Oh, wait. He's tasting the tip.
- He's tasting the tip. Oh my God, that is...
- Yes, victory.
Taste your tip.
Yeah, it's really great.
Woo. How about... We should...
- Thank you, dispatch.
- Mm-hmm. We should get back to the case.
- Yeah, sure.
- I have honey on the phone.
- Who do you think this is? Do you think this is the cartel?
- Yeah, probably.
- It's probably the...
- Uh, Los Robles, uh, Daddy Boy.
Mm-hmm. The Angry Samoans.
- Pig Titans.
- The Muay Thais.
- Fruit Wranglers.
- And then Peto and his mom.
Yeah. Peto and his mom is not really
a gang, they're just... they're just...
- You ever met his mom?
- I'm so sticky.
My Intel tells me that they moved
a teenth of Molly in one day.
- What, a full teenth?
- Yeah, do you want this stuff
out on the streets
with your kids?
No. No, not my kids.
I only get them
one weekend a month.
Aw, how's Trevor?
He's fine.
Yeah, so we got to...
To just discover the tracks.
- Huh. Is it tingling now?
- I'm not.
I'm really liking the way
it's running down my face.
No, just keep that there
for like four hours.
Rawhide, I'm so sorry
to bother you at work.
I need some of those pills
that you took the other night.
Hell yeah, you do.
That shit fucked me up, girl.
No, I need someone who's
going to sell me those pills.
Oh, you want to see my boy
Skullfucker over at MacArthur Park.
- You've been there?
- Not on purpose.
- I Don't trip.
- I won't trip.
Up on,
there's a doughnut shop,
Yim-Yum-Yums, you know them?
I... I'm familiar with the brand.
Those two Asian people,
two Yum-Yum-Yums.
You know them, alright.
Listen, they should know you.
- There's two taco trucks, a big ass house...
- Alright.
...and the smell of shit just
gone slap you just like that.
Do you have
like a street address?
Did I mention
the smell shit real quick.
You did.
Alright, that's the one.
- Okay, alright.
- You packing?
Like a snack?
- I have a LUNA Bar.
- A LUNA Bar?
I'm talking about
urban accessories.
Oh, like Fubu.
Ain't nobody talking
about no For Us By Us.
- I'm talking about some steel, some weapons.
- No, I'm unpacked.
Alright, then you wanna see my
boy, Ulon, you know him, don't you?
I don't. I don't know any of
these people, Rawhide.
AKA the Sapporo, you know him.
He's a former Tibetan monk,
who now sells
weapons and makes love to girls.
He's a former Tibetan monk
that sells guns?
The niggas are violent.
That's my boy. See him.
Okay, I'm gonna get packed.
- I'm gonna go to Skullfucker.
- Alright.
- I'm gonna be right back.
- Yeah, yeah, alright..
You'll be here. You're not doing
anything else, right?
- I ain't doing shit.
- I didn't think so. Okay, thanks.
I'm smoking shit.
Hey.
I am so sorry to
interrupt your meditation.
Rawhide sent me here
to get some weaponry.
Uh, yes.
Hmm, hmm, uh,
hmm mumbles:. Huh.
- Someone has stolen something from you, yes?
- Yes.
- Mmm, what did he take?
- Took... took my money.
- Wrong.
- No, he took like $10,000.
No, he has stolen
the inner warrior from you.
You must birth him again, feel him
grow stronger inside of your womb.
Can I get him out now?
No, he is far from ready.
- Do you feel him kicking?
- Sure.
Can I just get
a gun or something?
Foolish child.
You cannot choose the weapon,
the weapon chooses you.
Okay, great.
Now clench your womb.
Are you clenching it?
- Yes, yes, it's clenched.
- Now grunt from your uterus.
The uterus grunt.
Again.
Again.
No.
Mmm... huh!
Now, loosen your fallopian tube
as you focus on this orange.
Can we stay out of my
reproductive system for a second?
And the uterus grunt.
No.
No!
Huh.
Wow, you really
got into that.
Okay,
now, tighten your womb.
It's tight, Miyagi, back up.
And the uterus grunt.
- No.
- No.
Close your eyes.
You better not be
getting me pregnant.
The weapon has chosen you.
What? A rock? What will you do
with this, stone somebody?
Uh, David has defeated
Goliath with a pebble.
Yeah, well, I'm going to
see a dealer named Skullfucker.
The weapon has spoken.
It didn't say shit to me.
Uh, excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
- What's up, beautiful?
- Very sweet of you.
- Let me get in.
- Oh, that's okay.
No, you don't have to,
uh, stink up my car.
Uh, hi,
I'm looking for a dealer.
- McDonald's, is this yours?
- Uh, no, that's trash.
Oh, I'm gonna eat it.
I'm loving this ketchup.
I'm looking for a guy named
Skullfucker, I don't think
that's his Christian name.
- Skullfucker?
- Yeah, Mr. Skullfucker.
- I'm not sure how he likes to be addressed.
- Are you sick?
He's a... Well, I need drugs,
it's kind of a complicated story...
You should be going
to Kaiser Permanente.
Skullfucker's shit will
make you sick, I should know.
Thanks, you should
speak at public schools.
You're a real mentor.
Thank you.
So, uh,
could you just tell me where
this gentleman
Skullfucker lives so I can...
Yeah,
he's right here on the right.
Wait, right here?
Right here on the right.
Oh.
Oh, so thank you so much.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, so you
want me to sleep
in your car tonight?
What a generous offer.
I'm just so good for right now.
Oh.
Okay, your lost, bro.
Oh.
This way, hurry up,
come on, get in.
- Anybody follow you?
- No.
- You alone?
- Yes.
- Are you wearing a wire?
- No.
- You got weapons?
- Oh, no, I'm clear.
I'm all clear. Uh...
You can't be too sure.
Uh, you like kids?
I'd have my own,
but I don't want to.
I got three different kids
from three different women.
- Have you seen my mommy?
- I just wish one of them would take care of
their responsibilities. You can't
be pregnant and fucking leave.
- - That's why I
think he has to go to the bathroom.
What the fuck, Jesus?
Where's my fucking money?
Do you know why
they call me Skullfucker?
'Cause I fuck skulls.
That's what I do. I love it.
- Can I have some juice, daddy?
- Give me a skull of any size,
any race,
I'll fuck that skull, okay?
I'm just gonna pick up, honey.
Good job.
Give me a skull socket
and I'll fuck it.
You know why
they call me Skullfucker?
'Cause I fuck skulls
and I don't fucking stop.
I'll make a fucking force get into
a fucking yarmulke, motherfucker.
It's gonna be fucking Passover
every fucking day, motherfucker.
I don't give a shit. I'll... I'll
fucking get a fucking drill and hammer
the back of the head
and fuck that fucking hole.
I don't give a shit. I'll put your
fucking skull on my cock and it's gonna
be on there, you know,
and it's going to be just...
I can spin it around and I'll
just go... Get up behind it
and do little characters
and faith fucking.
I'll put my fingers in that skull and like
it's a finger fucking you to fuck skull.
I'll finger your fucking skull. I'm gonna go
fucking balls deep in that fucking nose cartilage.
My balls are fucking going...
I'm... And I'm just gonna fuck it.
I'm gonna make that skull come a fucking live.
That skull is gonna fucking talk out loud,
do you understand what I'm saying?
Hava Nagila, motherfucker.
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, God. That's okay.
- Listen, can we talk business?
- Okay.
Maybe we could talk,
you know, just one on one.
Bradley, El Nino,
get ready for bed.
Wow, great kids,
you must treasure every day.
It's tough to
put food on the table.
I've got to suck dick
for diapers.
I've never heard of
that currency exchange.
It's usually one dick per diaper
or gain mega dicks
for a packet of diapers.
- That's a good deal.
- I call it Pounding for Pampers.
- That's catchy.
- I got a program where if you, uh, you know, you
give me six diapers, I give
you one extra fucking dick suck.
- Almost like a rewards club.
- Yes, it's a reward for fuck.
I have a little card I made out,
where I'll scan it and then, like,
I'll have a deal every now and then.
Like, "Hey, just give me maybe a diaper
- and I'll suck your dick twice."
- The math checks out.
It's important to me
to keep my customers.
So I got myself in a
little bit of a situation.
- Yeah, you got three kids you can't afford?
- No.
My friend's been kidnapped
and if I don't replace
these, like, Lego looking
pills, they're like Ecstasy.
These drugs that makes people
kinda fucked up, but I need it.
- How much you want?
- Could you just get me enough to fill this teapot?
- Teenth?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can do it.
Alright, I got our stuff.
Well, what...
- This don't look the same.
- Nope.
- Look like Skullfucker got you.
- Rawhide, you said he was your boy.
I call everybody my boy.
Like my boy Cline and my boy Trump.
You say my boy Cline Dion?
- More than you know.
- Hmph, well, great.
Let me see what these do.
Alright, I got...
I got to take this call.
- Hi, Kaitlin.
- Let's cut the chit chat.
Atticus' phone
is dead and so is he.
Oh, and when I find him, it will
be the last time he is seen alive.
I will take him Revenant style.
I will mount him like a grizzly and
shred him from pubis to sternum.
I will wear Atticus' hand
as a trophy necklace.
Molly, we have
an amazing problem here.
Ah, wh... wh... what is that?
That, my friend,
is Joey Lawrence.
You call
your penis Joey Lawrence?
- Yeah, when bitches see this, they go, "whoa".
- Oh my God.
Alright, let me
just see what you just took.
Rawhide, you shouldn't just
be taking so many like that.
- How many...
- I don't give a fuck.
Argh.
Okay, first of all,
how many did you take?
- Uh, more than directed.
- Jesus Christ.
- Okay, wait, I think this is it.
- That's it.
- Expands male enhancement.
- What is that?
You know,
it's for them baby dicks.
- For a baby's dick?
- Not a baby's dick, girl.
A grown ass man
with a baby dick.
Well, what the hell am I going to
do with a teenth of baby dick pills?
- Craig's List.
- Oh, that's not a bad idea, Rawhide, and you've
had some bad ideas,
but this one was a good one.
Alright. Let's see.
How do we start this off?
We have them baby dick pills.
Good, but maybe
a little more subtle,
like, uh,
"Feeling small and alone?"
You ever been so fucked up,
you cried over
having a teeny dick?
Embarrassed about
something you can't help?
How about, "The best
way to please a whore."
- Looking for a way to please your lady?
- Yeah, that too.
We can say bitch or hoe just
to open up the forum. Done.
- What are you going to do with that?
- Two words. Full House.
- You know why they call it Full House?
- Why?
Because them bitches got
some big ass titties now, girl.
I don't think that's
the premise of the show.
For me, it's got to be Gibbler
'cause you know
Gibbler's a gobbler.
I didn't know that about her.
Well, I'm going to add it
to my queue on Netflix.
Oh, shit, I got a hit
on the Craig's List ad.
- Okay.
- Word.
- Rawhide.
- Word.
Uh, please seek
medical attention for that. I...
You don't trip over that.
Hey, I'm cool.
Hi, you must be Rodney.
Hi, yeah.
Oh, were you in a car accident?
Not to my knowledge, no.
Oh, come on in.
Okay.
So?
Uh, uh... So,
you wanna get started?
Yeah, oh, yeah, no,
I'm sure you're busy.
I'm so sorry, Rodney.
You just take your time, ma'am.
- Give me a minute.
- Oh, me too.
- Hold on. Here we go.
- Give me a second there.
So I apologize for
the container, it's not that...
- Nice.
- What the fuck, Rodney?
- Rodney's ready to get grapefruited.
- Grapefruited?
Rodney's ready
to get grapefruited.
No, I'm trying
to sell you drugs.
Drugs, blah.
No, Rodney is insulted.
You're holding a
grapefruit at your penis.
- Fruit? Come on.
- No, I'm sorry.
I don't know
what grapefruiting is.
What's being grapfruited?
Uh, does nobody freaking know?
Listen,
I've never heard of that.
Alright, I'll show you the deal.
Oh, well, your screen-saver
leaves much to be desired.
Well, there are
those who like it.
- I don't.
- Alright. Press play.
Now, this is my bonus technique,
the grapefruit. I want to share this...
- Grapefruit, sure.
- Yep.
- Citrus is key to any good diet.
- It is.
- I can see how that's important.
- Right.
So what you need to do...
It's delicious.
You need to, of
course, have a grapefruit.
You wanna make sure
you get the ruby red.
It's sweeter, it's easy.
Ah, just do that.
The reason why you want to roll
it is because you want to juice it up.
- Rodney, put down the...
- I don't care.
So you should have a grapefruit that
has two sides missing just like this.
Now what you gonna do is you gonna put
a hole in the middle of the grapefruit
- approximately the size of your man's penis.
- A hole on his penis.
- I don't like where this is going, Rodney.
- Well, you need a hole.
Otherwise, it's just-
it's useless without a hole.
Just like you said
you were going to do.
Oh, my God.
Rodney, take it away.
What the fuck was that?
What was she doing to that thing?
She was putting it in her mouth
and felating it 'cause
that's what grapefruiting is.
You get your cock wet with grapefruit
juice, and then you would just suck it.
- That's what grapefruiting is.
- I get that now.
I'm not grapefruiting you.
I'm sorry.
You know what, why the hell did
I come over here from Cerritos?
You're killing me. Your ad said
very clearly, "You will not be
judged, not judged
for anything that you want
that you cannot help."
Well, Rodney thought
that tonight,
tonight would be different.
- It's not different.
- No.
Sadly, I am
a fragile man.
It's not gonna...
It's not gonna happen.
Oh, hey, don't, uh...
Rodney knows there's some shame.
Rodney's not an idiot.
- I'm not an idiot.
- Hey, don't get emotional.
No, such miles, but Rodney
doesn't get lucky at anything.
Rodney just has a world of crap.
- No, it's not his night.
- No.
He'll meet that
special someone who can't wait
to go to town on your freshly
grapefruited schvantz.
Rodney could find a girl like
that. A real grapefruiter.
Maybe at a Trader Joe's
or a Food 4 Less?
Rodney would love that
more than anything.
- Okay. But you know what?
- What?
In Rodney's whole life, no one's
ever actually loved Rodney.
- That's personal.
- No, no one ever has.
- It's still personal.
- Just 48 years, nothing.
Going through life
without anyone.
- No.
- That's true.
Rodney's parents
wouldn't even get him a pet.
"Rodney, you can't have a pet.
Rodney, you're just
a useless piece of crap
who doesn't look
after himself, and so
how could you possibly
look after a pet?
Why would that
even cross your mind?
You're such a
stupid little idiot.
Rodney, why don't
you just go to your room
and read Lord of the Rings books
and be quiet. Just be quiet.
Read The Silmarillion, Rodney." Silmarillion,
no one reads The Silmarillion, it's terrible.
- I've never even heard of that.
- No, it's the lore of the first age of elves.
I'm surprised
you don't have a girlfriend.
Rodney, let's keep this inside.
Keep this bottled up.
Hold this in.
Let's hold this in.
- You know what?
- It's all gonna come out now.
Hey, hey, what if
I can get you a pet? Huh?
- Really? A pet?
- Yeah, would you like that?
Yeah, my mom brings home
all kinds of strays,
and I got a real,
real good one for you.
- Rodney would love a pet.
- It's needs a home. Would you like that?
- Yeah.
- Will you stop crying?
Okay, keep your pants on,
I'll be right back.
- Can you keep your pants on?
- I can.
Can you put the grapefruit away?
Okay, I'm going
to get you a pet.
- Oh, he's so cute.
- Isn't he?
This is Pablo Escobar.
You know my brother stole a train
set from me when I was ten years old.
- Uh-huh.
- I loved that thing.
I especially loved
shoving a caboose down
his throat until
he choked and died.
My parents were so scared of me.
They buried the body
in the backyard
and they never said
a word to me about it.
I loved my brother.
Can you imagine what I would do
to a stranger who stole from me?
Sir, I'm already
really terrified,
so I've got your message
loud and clear. Believe me.
Good, you should be scared.
I still have the baby
dick pills. He didn't want them.
He wanted to be grapefruited. Well, it's when
you get your cock wet with grapefruit juice.
I'm going to the police.
I can't take this anymore.
I can't save Atticus with...
Wait, what? Hey, hey.
Yeah, that's great. That is
great news. Great. Okay, bye.
Breaking the case?
No, even better. I just got a
callback for NCISCSI Pittsburg.
- What?
- Oh, it's like NCIS and CSI together.
- It's set in Pittsburg.
- Oh, it's in Pittsburg. That's great.
- Yeah.
- Wow, wow, this will probably be your last case.
- Ah, wow.
- And you're so good.
Well, I mean, I couldn't have
gotten here without you, though.
- Hey, zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Oh, I messed up.
- Oh, messed up. Oh, God, don't do that on that audition.
- Am I ready?
- Oh my God, don't do that in NCISCSI Pittsburgh.
Yeah.
Oh, boy. Hey, meat.
- Cake.
- Meat Cake.
- Da da da.
- Do do do.
- Oh.
- Be da, be do do do.
Be do, Ba da da da? In level three,
they teach you "Be da da da".
- Okay, let's do that.
- Okay, great.
- Hey, guys, um...
- You fucked with the wrong cabron.
It's just a big
misunderstanding.
I'm sure we can
all work past this.
Well, I don't have the ability
to understand things?
No, no.
It's just it's was a...
It's a long story.
My friend and I were
stealing and we didn't mean
to steal these drugs,
and, well, anyway, he's
probably gonna die and I'm gonna die.
Have you ever had friends like that who
talks too much
and just won't stop talking?
That's like my friend,
Atticus, but he's
probably not
going to live past today.
Anyway,
I'm really sorry and I just
hope we can work
this out peacefully.
You're just a regular old
flat foot from New York City.
Okay.
Great, so what's
your audition for NCISCSI?
- Um, I am a busboy.
- Oh, okay.
- Great, so you wanna run... Wanna run your line?
- Yeah.
- So everyone's there.
- Uh-huh.
And then she
just found out that,
you know, she didn't
get the money for a project.
You're already
complicating it a lot.
Here's your waters?
Who is your supplier?
I don't have a supplier.
Ever since
Breaking Bad, everyone
thinks they're
Walter fucking White.
- I never watched the show. I never had time.
- Let me see that shit.
Is this your latest batch?
Yeah, yeah, so you can just
have that and I'll be on my way.
Just consider that
a gift from me to you,
you know,
'cause we're friends now.
This don't look
like the same shit.
Well, there's just a slightly different
side effect, but also very good.
They're very good.
Oh, you're just gonna...
Just palm it like that, okay.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.
One, two,
three, four, five, six.
One, two,
three, four, five.
- Oh my God, what happened?
- I'm okay.
- What happened?
- I'm okay. I'm good.
I don't feel shit.
Well, it's not
really a cerebral effect.
- It's more of a physical one.
- What the fuck?
Well, I don't see anything
different in your penis size.
Are you saying
I have?
No, no, never.
You're saying I have
strong, big, clean balls?
Yeah.
Hmm, hmm, you do.
Hells yes, you do.
And, guys, aren't we
being a little hasty here?
Don't we have a potential
goldmine on our hands?
You're saying you want me to the be
the face of a baby dick campaign?
I don't know if I'd market it like that.
I would say, you know,
let's start a helpful blog,
build a core audience, you know.
You never know where
these things can take off.
I decide what I sell
and how I sell it.
I also decide who lives or dies.
Do you know which way
you're going on this one?
Death.
Oh, we did the wrong hand.
- It's a mirror.
- I'm sorry.
Not whatever the fuck you want.
- Do you wanna do improve?
- I don't know.
- Are you just going to serve and protect you all life?
- I haven't even thought about
that, I just thought
I had to do it.
1072, we've got a 1016,
domestic disturbance in Upland.
- Upland? We're not gonna go to Upland.
- Where's this?
- Where is that?
- I'm not gonna get on the freeway.
No, with this...
Oh, this operation?
- I mean they should just... That whole city is meth.
- Oh...
Now, what are we gonna do?
If you wanna do what
you wanna do, just do it.
- Choppers en route.
- I hate math.
- Unit 72...
- I tell you that's not for me.
- ...we need your assistance.
- Copy, dispatch, on our way.
Oh, okay, so if the potatoes are
hot, it's a bad sign. Like if you...
- You cool the potatoes.
- Yeah, then it's a cool potato.
So if the potatoes are...
If they're hot and...
- Your unit moving...
- Oh my God.
- To suspect location.
- Can they find another...
Copy, dispatch, on our way.
- We'll be fine.
- It's fine.
There's not a lot of traffic.
I know a back way.
It's fine, we can go.
Okay, it's fine.
You know what, macaroni
does better in the heat.
- Oh, that's better.
- See, macaroni, you can eat 'cause it's just a dry pasta.
- What is your ETA, Unit 72?
- You know what's happening
now, potato salad
with olive oil?
- We need to know you're en route.
- Oh, okay.
I can't do that much,
that seems a lot.
Inspector Reyes,
do you copy?
Copy, dispatch,
five minutes away.
- Huh.
- I think somebody else will get it right now.
Oh, sometimes you just need
to like sit
and assess what has happened.
I repeat,
Brock and Reyes, please report.
This better be
important, dispatch.
Possible
casualties in this location,
- suspects believed to be armed and dangerous.
- Let's roll.
What about your callback?
They'll just have to postpone the
shoot till we're done shooting.
- I'm gonna write that down for a bumper sticker website.
- That's so good. Yeah.
- Makes a lot of sense.
- Get the rest of that domain name.
Yeah, uh, copswhoareactors.com.
I never thought about that before.
It's crazy, I'm
an actor with a gun.
I should start the car.
Oh, wait, guys. This isn't
the kind of message you wanna
put out into
the universe, is it?
We solve
discrepancies with murder?
No, we hire someone HR, we
do some team building exercises.
Isn't that the kind of business
you guys wanna get into?
- Just give us the word, jefe.
- What the hell, Selene.
I thought we had a good time
at the kidnapping.
Aren't we all amigos and amigas?
Selene, cut her throat on three.
In English or Espaol?
Please stop talking
so we can kill you.
Sorry, I don't know proper
etiquette in this situation.
One, dos.
LAPD, we have you surrounded.
Bitch, don't say anything
or I'll kill you.
- No, no, no,.
- Motherfucking cops.
They want a bloodbath? They're
gonna get a motherfucking bloodbath.
- That's right.
- We don't know they want a bloodbath.
Let's at least hear
what they have to say.
Tonight is the night we all die.
Let's brainstorm
some other ideas like
- coming out with our hands up, what about that idea?
- No.
- Los Gatos Robles will die before we surrender.
- That's right.
You guys could easily
come up with another motto
like, "Los Gatos Robles,
we surrender when we have to."
Hands up, we're coming in.
- Time to dance.
- I don't wanna dance.
[]
Hi, my name is Molly Reynolds. My friend
Atticus is being held captive. He's been shot.
I don't even know if he's still
alive. If anyone sees this,
please send help to
King Cobra Night Club.
No motherfucking Wi-Fi?
Goddammit.
Fuck.
Uh, shit.
- Kaitlin!
- Where is he, Molly?
Okay, Kaitlin.
I'm really glad you're here.
- Atticus is in a shit storm of trouble right now.
- Oh, you bet your ass he is.
You didn't think I could trace
your phone, did you? Well, I did.
And that led me straight to you
and your titty on aggrandis.
- Kaitlin, I swear, nothing ever happened.
- Oh, really? Huh?
Atticus hasn't called me
in 15 hours and he's
either always with you
or talking about you.
Really? Like, what does he say?
Like, anything good?
Oh, please. I know you guys
have been punani-pals for years.
We have never been punani-pals.
I swear, Kaitlin, on the code of women.
- There's no such thing.
- Well, there should be.
Us sisters got to stick together,
right? Femolution on three.
Okay, not into
the femolution, fair enough.
I know your game, Molly. You probably
did everything Atticus likes.
You probably had a front row seat when
he did his penis on parade routine, huh?
First of all, I hate parades and I
certainly won't invite a penis to one.
Don't you dare make fun of me,
you... toe giddy hoe.
Kaitlin, ouch, quiet your body.
Safe hands.
Tell me you didn't let him play pat-a-cake,
pat-a-cake baker's crack, huh?
No, we never played pat-a-cake,
pat-a-cake baker's crack.
Liar, you loved the peekaboo
ballsack, I know you did.
Never have I ever played
around with peekaboo ballsack.
- You let him Peter Pan you.
- What's being Peter Paned?
It's when you play with his
stinker bells until he flies.
Ew, why do all these gross things
have confusing children's titles?
Urgh, judgmental.
From the woman who
probably made up the game
If you're happy and you know
it, grab your ankles.
- I hate that game.
- I don't wanna fight with you, okay.
Just give this to the police. There's
everything they need to save Atticus.
This isn't over.
Watch where you sleep.
What?
What was that cryptic message?
Kaitlin. Calm down.
Kaitlin, you're breaking it.
- Kaitlin, the femolution.
- Fuck the femolution.
Kaitlin,
Atticus' blood is on your hands.
Fuck you! Fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Oh, don't give me a middle finger,
I don't know what to do with that.
I don't know, it's two
different things, Darren.
Yeah, it's different things,
but it's like the same.
Please, can I use your phone?
- My phone?
- Oh.
- Please it's an emergency.
- I don't...
- Ma'am, I'm begging you.
- I know, but she's...
- I don't know who she is.
- Babe, come on.
You, guys, I would not ask if
it's... Please, can I use your phone?
- Oh my gosh.
- Just give her your phone.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
- It's fine, I know.
- It's fine for now.
- Hello 911.
- 911, what's your emergency?
Yes, I'd like
to report a kidnapping.
- Okay, what's the age of your child?
- 32.
- You've got an old ass baby.
- No, he's an adult.
Okay, well,
then you need missing persons.
How long has it been
since he left you?
He didn't leave me,
he was taken.
Has it been over 72 hours
since he took off?
It's been 23 hours, and again
he didn't leave me, alright?
A man can be taken
against his will.
Or at least that's what
he can say the next morning.
Can I get an amen on that? Whoa!
My best friend
has been abducted.
Please hold for
Agents Mulder and Sculley.
What? What?
No, no, no, no,
no not in a spaceship.
He's at King Cobra Nightclub.
Hmm, mystery solved,
case closed, bye.
If you don't help me, my best friend
is probably going to be murdered.
Probably going to be murdered.
Please hold for Tom Cruise
and future crimes division.
Sir, I really need
you to send the police, okay?
Listen, ma'am, unless there's
a crime that's been committed
or one that's in progress,
you know, I just can't help you.
Me, me,
I'm the crime in progress.
I'm a thief,
a con artist, a drug dealer.
Yeah, and I'm Jeffrey Dahmer.
Girl, bye.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Sir, please.
No, honey, please.
I would not make this up, okay?
I've had the worst day
you can imagine.
I've been kidnapped,
I've been robbed, I've
been open palm slapped
across the face.
I've lost
everything, everything.
- All I have left is my friend Atticus.
- I told you.
Now after 72 hours,
you can file a missing
person's report if your man
has not come back to you.
He didn't leave me, he
didn't cheat on me, alright?
He followed me into a life
of crime for God's sake.
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
You're not sending
the police, are you?
Nope.
Fuck, fuck it,
I'll do it myself.
- Thanks, guys. I'm sorry about that.
- Hey.
- Do you need anything?
- Can you guys give me a ride?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. -Thank you.
I'm saying we sell what we have,
and then we make
enough money to retire.
One last deal? That's worked?
In the history of anything,
has one last deal ever worked?
I'm telling this
is a bad idea, Atticus.
All I'm saying, Molly,
is these pills, you can
get 25 bucks each for them
and we have over 500 pills.
Okay, well, clearly, I'm the only
one who is thinking about our future.
Our future, yours and mine
or yours and Kaitlin's?
- Uh...
- Yeah, okay, well, whatever.
Mixed signals.
- Mary Jane? Liz?
- Um, no.
Sorry.
I need to get in there, please.
- Right now. I know, sir, it's urgent.
- Yo, what's this about?
Well, you need to wait
in line like everybody else.
- I cannot wait in line. I'm sorry. I can't wait in line.
- Yo, yo, yo.
- This is an emergency, sir.
- You just cut the line.
- I'm on there, uh, Jennifer, uh.
- No, no Jennifer here.
- There's no Jennifer.
- Oh, my friend called in that's probably why.
- She didn't put my last name.
- Yes, I'm sorry. Hey, I need some help out here, man.
- Listen, we got a... we got a crazy one.
- What's going on?
This is not...
No, I'm not crazy, sir.
I have a friend in there
that I need to urgently see.
- Name?
- Jennifer.
- The name's not on the list.
- But it might not be under Jennifer.
- It may not be on the list.
- No 'cause my friend Christine or, uh, Marcus.
- Or?
- You guys, please.
No, unless...
You're gonna have to move.
You're gonna have to move.
You are gonna have to move.
I don't have time for this shit.
- Shit.
- Maybe she could go in.
We're good? You good? Thank you.
You're welcome.
See, if it wasn't for that,
you know, I wouldn't let her in.
- Molly, are you okay?
- Do I look okay, Boo?
- Where is my teapot?
- It's here.
It's right here
in my backpack and I'm
really happy to
give it back to you.
Again, we are so sorry
about all of this.
- Really super sorry.
- You don't have our pills?
- You don't have our pills. Burn them.
- Burn?
- No, wait, that's... that's really extreme.
- Yeah, can't you just like
- let us off with a stern warning or something?
- The time I gave you is up.
I don't wanna die.
Oh, God, please.
Sir, I tried to get you your
drugs back,
just selling drugs
is really hard.
- Yeah, it only looks easy.
- And it's not.
We should have left it to the experts.
We're really, really sorry.
I've been dragged through
the underbelly of Los Angeles,
isn't my emotional
scarring enough?
I don't think so.
Physical scar will do.
Keep going, guys.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- Molly, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, for what, getting us burned alive?
- Don't worry about it.
- Uh, sir, you don't have to do this.
Please, just let Molly go.
Oh, how sweet, makes me cry.
Oh, wait, that's just a fumes from
your burning carcasses.
Sir, if you let us go,
we will do anything you want.
What I want is to have
you burn for fucking my asshole.
Sir, we never meant
to fuck your asshole.
- Not once.
- Never.
Give me something to drink.
I want to make a toast to
these two being burned alive.
- By the way, I got jumped by your crazy bitch girlfriend.
- What?
- You guys are a bunch of pervs.
- What?
Yeah, she told me all
about being Peter Panned
and how she played with your
stinker bell, a bunch of pervs.
- What the fuck's stinker bell?
- I never wanted to do this. I hated doing that... at first.
What? What things?
You guys are sick.
Good thing we never hooked up, otherwise, I'd
have to come up with rules and regulations
- for capturing the butthole.
- You'd do that for me?
The fact that I even came up with a
point system for capturing the butthole,
probably says a little bit about
how I feel about you.
Why didn't you
ever say anything?
'Cause you had a girlfriend.
Fuck, Molly,
you should have said something.
- Kaitlin sucks.
- I told you Kaitlin sucks.
I told you in so many
subtle ways Kaitlin sucks.
Why did you stay with her?
I don't know, she liked me
and I never thought
I had a chance with you.
I love you, Molly, and I never said anything
because I thought you'd push me away,
and I wouldn't get to work with
you and I'd lose you forever.
Alright, well, I don't wanna die
without telling you I love you too.
I mean, as much as
I'm capable of loving
someone, I know that isn't much.
It's enough.
I would like to propose a toast.
Here's to you
and your trip to hell.
I don't feel so good.
Hold that.
God.
- Help me!
- Help him already.
Get off your assholes and do something.
That's what we paid you to do.
If you let us go,
we'll help him.
Do it. Hurry.
Let this man go.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Holy shit,
what the hell happened?
Oh, Jesus.
- You did it.
- We did it. We did it.
Senior molestation is not okay.
No.
No.
That felt good. That felt like...
That felt better.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. No, it was great.
This part was
really, really great.
Um, you just seem so nervous.
Excuse me, I should've
had my coffee. Oh.
So, uh,
what do you all think of this?
Movie night was a big bust.
I told you we shoulda
gone with Magic Mike XL,
it's a masterpiece with
a good story arc, pendejos.
Yeah, Si.
I just said to someone, "Hey,
man, I need a D," and he's like,
"Well, I need a D too."
And I'd know exactly
what the fuck
he's talking about.
I'm talking about diapers,
he's talking about dick.
- You'll find someone special.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
There's a girl out there
who's just dying to
grapefruit you.
- Really.
- Yeah.
Rodney could
find a girl like that.
A real grapefruiter.
Hang it.
Good, good, good,
there, yeah, that's beautiful.
That's perfect like that,
except now,
I want you to get
really comfortable, okay?
They wouldn't be
parading around in the light.
No, no, I guess they wouldn't.
Yeah, element of surprise.
- Yeah.
- Atticus.
Did you see my friend,
he was right here?
Atticus, Scout,
Pirelli, Atticus.
Okay, very good. We've all seen
To Kill A Mockingbird.
Yeah, I got
your card, thank you.
I feel somethin" a little
different in here.
I don't know what it is,
but I'm kinda stoked.
- Yeah.
- I feel good about it.
You should have never sold your
shit in Gato Roble's territory.
I know. A total puta.
I couldn't agree more
and you guys are
angry, and you
really should be angry.
I'd be angry too like,
"Oh, here's this puta."
You let motherfucking strangers
in my place of business?
We had to.
What the fuck are you twatholes
standing around for?
Find them, go.
Jesus Christ.
Hold on a second. Ma, ma?
Hey, you got my shit?
What shit, honey?
Did you clean down here today?
I told you not
to touch my stuff.
Honey, I've got to
Dethaw the lasagne.
Alright, I'm getting hungry.
Working on my appetite.
Killing
motherfuckers left and right.
So you should have a grapefruit that
has two sides missing just like this.
Now what you're gonna do
is you're gonna put a hole
at the middle of the grapefruit
approximately the size...
- Yeah, nice.
- ...that you're gonna do.
You know she religious?
She's taking this
straight to Mountain High.
Uh, this is
pretty much your job now.
Alright,
there you go, right there.
That's okay,
you don't need to...
There's an old lady...
...stink up my car.
...just waiting for him.
He's just waving his arms.
Please not... Please
let's not signal for him.
Yeah.
You know in combat, they taught
me a little bit about torture.
What you're going to get right now, my
friend is a non-stop dose of Fox News.
Oh, God, no, hang on.
People are...
Oh, this is so disingenuous.
D2, take the mark.
- Wait for the plane.
- I hear something.
- Yeah, I do hear something.
- Or the motorcycles.
Butter.
Stay off my butter.
Let's swiftly talk
about how annoyed...
You've been
paying for me... Bring
your fucking-your
fucking legs so I can fuck.
And I'll shit...
I'll shit on that skull
and I'll keep on fucking it.
I'll lube up on it,
the fucking shit.
I don't care. I got nothing.
The pills
you took the other night?
And you need to...
You need to help... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Right here, son.
Right here.
Just, uh, take your time there.
Just take it nice,
take it slow, hold on there.
Just getting ready.
Uh, just get the tip real nice.
This is the top of the fruit you
can see right there, very versatile.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
One, dos.
Can someone call
Chris Hansen because
I'm destroying
your 13-year-old ass.