[Kid static's "moonlight"
plays]
You taste like moonlight lose
my state of mind I ain't lying
lose my state of mind I ain't
lying like a lion lying down now
I ain't lying like a lion lying down now now,
calm down, child
like a lion lying down now now,
calm down, child it's just this thing got me
now, calm down,
child it's just this thing got me wild now
it's just this thing got me wild
now you taste like moonlight
wild now you taste like
moonlight lose my state of mind
you taste like moonlight lose
my state of mind I ain't lying
lose my state of mind I ain't
lying like a lion lying down now
I ain't lying like a lion lying down now now,
calm down, child
like a lion lying down now now,
calm down, child it's just this thing got me
now, calm down,
child it's just this thing got me wild now
it's just this thing got me wild now [Moans]
Wild now [Moans] [Breathing heavily]
[Moans] [Breathing heavily] Stop!
[Breathing heavily] Stop!
Come on! Stop!
Stop! Come on!
Stop! Geez, nicole!
Come on! Stop!
Geez, nicole! What gives?
Geez, nicole! What gives?
I thought you liked what I was
what gives?
I thought you liked what I was doing this time.
I thought you liked what I was doing this time.
Didn't it feel good?
Doing this time. Didn't it feel good?
Sure it did, george.
Didn't it feel good? Sure it did, george.
So, think how good it will
sure it did, george.
So, think how good it will feel when we don't stop.
So, think how good it will feel when we don't stop.
[Smack!]
Feel when we don't stop.
[Smack!] What did I say?
[Smack!] What did I say?
Ow! I'm sorry!
What did I say? Ow!
I'm sorry! Going all the way is
ow! I'm sorry!
Going all the way is something we're just not ready
going all the way is something we're just not ready for.
Something we're just not ready for.
Well, I feel ready.
For. Well, I feel ready.
[Smack!]
Well, I feel ready.
[Smack!] Pay attention!
[Smack!] Pay attention!
Ow! I'm listening!
Pay attention! Ow! I'm listening!
George, sex is a sacred act.
Ow! I'm listening! George, sex is a sacred act.
All right, now, two people may
george, sex is a sacred act. All right, now,
two people may love each other and have all
all right, now, two people may love each other
and have all sorts of other feelings, but it
love each other and have all sorts of other feelings,
but it just isn't right if those two
sorts of other feelings, but it just isn't right
if those two people aren't joined in the holy
just isn't right if those two people aren't
joined in the holy sacrament of marriage.
People aren't joined in the holy sacrament of marriage.
I mean, sex without that
sacrament of marriage. I mean,
sex without that sanctified bond may lead the
I mean, sex without that sanctified bond
may lead the fornicators to be punished by
sanctified bond may lead the fornicators to be
punished by having retarded bastard babies
fornicators to be punished by having retarded
bastard babies or burning in the eternal fires
having retarded bastard babies or
burning in the eternal fires of damnation!
Or burning in the eternal fires of damnation!
You don't want that, do you,
of damnation! You don't want that,
do you, george?
You don't want that,
do you, george? No.
George? No.
[Exhales sharply]
No.
[Exhales sharply] [Sighs]
[Exhales sharply] [Sighs] You should really be thanking
[sighs] You should really be thanking me.
You should really be thanking me.
I mean, my willpower is the only
me. I mean,
my willpower is the only thing standing between us and
I mean, my willpower is the only thing
standing between us and the gates of hell.
Thing standing between us and the gates of hell.
Remember -- the only truly safe
the gates of hell.
Remember -- the only truly safe sex is no sex.
Remember -- the only truly safe sex is no sex.
[Chuckles]
Sex is no sex.
[Chuckles] [Gasps]
[Chuckles] [Gasps] [Chokes]
[Gasps] [Chokes] [Screaming]
Well,
I feel so good I feel so good and I don't know why
I feel so good and I don't
know why and I don't know why
and I don't know why and I don't know why well,
I don't feel nothing
and I don't know why well,
I don't feel nothing 'cause I'm dead inside
well, I don't feel nothing 'cause I'm
dead inside and I'm up to my eyes in
'cause I'm dead inside
and I'm up to my eyes in dirt
and I'm up to my eyes in dirt well,
I feel so strange
dirt well,
I feel so strange I don't feel so good
well, I feel so strange I don't
feel so good and I don't know why
I don't feel so good and I don't
know why and I don't know why
and I don't know why and I don't know why well,
I don't feel nothing
and I don't know why well,
I don't feel nothing 'cause I'm dead inside
well, I don't feel nothing 'cause I'm
dead inside and I'm up to my eyes in
'cause I'm dead inside
and I'm up to my eyes in dirt
[School bell rings] Damn it.
I just need a couple more
damn it.
I just need a couple more minutes to finish this story
I just need a couple more minutes
to finish this story outline.
Minutes to finish this story outline.
I know.
Outline. I know.
I was just getting to the best
I know.
I was just getting to the best part.
I was just getting to the best part.
Ugh. Yuck.
Part. Ugh. Yuck.
How can you read this
ugh. Yuck.
How can you read this sentimental tripe?
How can you read this sentimental tripe?
What? It's romantic.
Sentimental tripe? What?
It's romantic. Kath, I keep telling you.
What? It's romantic. Kath, I keep telling you.
Romance is just another
kath, I keep telling you.
Romance is just another patriarchal social construct
romance is just another patriarchal
social construct designed to keep women
patriarchal social construct designed to keep
women submissive and teaching us, yet
designed to keep women submissive and teaching us,
yet again, that our sexuality is our
submissive and teaching us, yet again,
that our sexuality is our most marketable commodity.
Again, that our sexuality is our most
marketable commodity. Okay, gloria steinem.
Most marketable commodity.
Okay, gloria steinem. And here to illustrate my
okay, gloria steinem.
And here to illustrate my point...
And here to illustrate my point... Look, y'all.
Point... Look, y'all.
It's los lesbos de san griento.
Look, y'all. It's los lesbos de san griento.
[Laughter]
It's los lesbos de san griento.
[Laughter] And I think we know which one's
[laughter] And I think we know which one's the butch.
And I think we know which one's the butch.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The butch. Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought bi-curious
oh, I'm sorry.
I thought bi-curious girl-on-girl action was still
I thought bi-curious girl-on-girl
action was still trendy this week.
Girl-on-girl action was still trendy this week.
I don't want to be rude, but
trendy this week. I don't want to be rude,
but not if you're fugly, honey.
I don't want to be rude,
but not if you're fugly, honey. [Laughter]
Not if you're fugly, honey.
[Laughter] Yeah.
[Laughter] Yeah.
It's not like you're a
yeah.
It's not like you're a tila tequila and sasha grey.
It's not like you're a tila tequila and sasha grey.
Wow, I guess I'd be crushed
tila tequila and sasha grey. Wow, I guess
I'd be crushed by that if all my role models
wow, I guess I'd be crushed by that if all
my role models were brainless porn stars.
By that if all my role models were brainless porn stars.
Which reminds me, I saw her
were brainless porn stars. Which reminds me,
I saw her in the gym the other day.
Which reminds me,
I saw her in the gym the other day. Full bush.
In the gym the other day.
Full bush. Ugh.
Full bush. Ugh.
Better watch those rug burns.
Ugh. Better watch those rug burns.
Yeah, saw you, too.
Better watch those rug burns. Yeah, saw you, too.
Somewhere hitler's missing his
yeah, saw you, too.
Somewhere hitler's missing his mustache.
Somewhere hitler's missing his mustache.
Ew.
Mustache.
Ew. Who?
Ew. Who?
Let's roll, chicas.
Who? Let's roll, chicas.
It smells like fish taco tuesday
let's roll, chicas.
It smells like fish taco tuesday over here.
It smells like fish taco tuesday over here.
[Laughter]
Over here.
[Laughter] Ugh.
[Laughter] Ugh.
Prime examples of what I was
ugh.
Prime examples of what I was just talking about.
Prime examples of what I was just talking about.
Kath.
Just talking about.
Kath. Hmm?
Kath. Hmm?
Come on.
Hmm? Come on.
They're just a bunch of wannabe
come on.
They're just a bunch of wannabe hiltons from hicktown.
They're just a bunch of wannabe hiltons from hicktown.
What do you care what they
hiltons from hicktown.
What do you care what they think?
What do you care what they think?
I know, but...
Think? I know, but... Okay,
maybe your article
I know, but... Okay,
maybe your article exposing the seedy underbelly of
okay, maybe your article exposing the seedy
underbelly of the prom committee wasn't the
exposing the seedy underbelly of the prom
committee wasn't the smartest choice for a social
the prom committee wasn't the smartest
choice for a social standing at this school.
Smartest choice for a social standing at this school.
What?
Standing at this school. What?
I changed the names to protect
what?
I changed the names to protect the guilty.
I changed the names to protect the guilty.
Speaking of my high journalistic
the guilty. Speaking of my high journalistic standards,
what do you think of
speaking of my high journalistic standards,
what do you think of this story?
Standards, what do you think of this story?
"What is san griento security
this story?
"What is san griento security really protecting us from?"
"What is san griento security really protecting us from?"
It'd be, like, an investigation
really protecting us from?" It'd be, like,
an investigation on why this community felt the
it'd be, like, an investigation on why this
community felt the need to privatize its police
on why this community felt the
need to privatize its police force.
Need to privatize its police force.
You already wrote about sgs
force. You already wrote about
sgs and racial profiling last year.
You already wrote about sgs and racial
profiling last year. No, but this is a totally
and racial profiling last year.
No, but this is a totally different angle.
No, but this is a totally different angle.
Leah.
Different angle.
Leah. [Sighs]
Leah. [Sighs] Oh,
you're right.
[Sighs] Oh, you're right.
It's too similar.
Oh, you're right.
It's too similar. Ugh, damn it.
It's too similar. Ugh, damn it.
Hey, you'll think of a great
ugh, damn it.
Hey, you'll think of a great story.
Hey, you'll think of a great story.
You always do.
Story. You always do.
Yeah, but I don't need a
you always do.
Yeah, but I don't need a story.
Yeah, but I don't need a story.
I need the story if I've got any
story.
I need the story if I've got any shot at a journalism
i need the story if I've got any
shot at a journalism scholarship.
Shot at a journalism scholarship.
Hey, you never know.
Scholarship. Hey, you never know.
Griento-gate might be just right
hey, you never know. Griento-gate might
be just right around the corner waiting to
griento-gate might be just right around the corner
waiting to make you the next rachel maddow.
Around the corner waiting to make
you the next rachel maddow. Hmm.
Make you the next rachel maddow.
Hmm. I like the sound of that.
Hmm. I like the sound of that.
[Chuckles]
I like the sound of that.
[Chuckles] What did she mean by rug burn?
[Chuckles] What did she mean by rug burn?
Put it out of your mind.
What did she mean by rug burn?
Put it out of your mind. Heads up, comrade.
Hi. Hi.
[Speaks spanish]
Hi.
[Speaks spanish] I'm good.
[Speaks spanish] I'm good.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you? I'm good.
How are you?
I'm good. Leah --
I'm good.
Leah -- bye.
Leah -- bye.
Love is in the air.
Bye. Love is in the air.
What? Who?
Love is in the air. What?
Who? Oh, please.
What? Who? Oh, please.
Dude, paul jimenez has had it
oh, please. Dude, paul jimenez has
had it bad for you since jump street,
dude, paul jimenez has had it bad for you since
jump street, and you still won't toss him a
bad for you since jump street,
and you still won't toss him a crumb of your affection.
And you still won't toss him a crumb of your affection.
Well, according to the
crumb of your affection.
Well, according to the hiltons, I may be in the market
well, according to the hiltons,
I may be in the market for a beard.
Hiltons, I may be in the market for a beard.
Oh! Ba-dum!
For a beard. Oh!
Ba-dum! Both: Ching!
Oh! Ba-dum! Both: Ching!
All right, I'll see you
both: Ching! All right,
I'll see you later, old buddy, old pal.
All right, I'll see you later, old buddy,
old pal. [School bell rings]
Later, old buddy, old pal.
[School bell rings] [Laughter]
[School bell rings] [Laughter] Right?
[Laughter] Right?
[Indistinct conversation]
Right? [Indistinct conversation] I mean,
I shouldn't be
[indistinct conversation] I mean,
I shouldn't be surprised, 'cause she wears that
I mean, I shouldn't be surprised,
'cause she wears that every single day.
Surprised, 'cause she wears that every single day.
It's ridic-- [Laughs]
Every single day.
It's ridic-- [Laughs] [Laughing] It's so stupid.
It's ridic-- [Laughs] [Laughing] It's so stupid.
Ashley, I would never say
[laughing] It's so stupid.
Ashley, I would never say you're lying, but for reals.
Ashley, I would never say you're lying,
but for reals. Have you not gone all the way
you're lying, but for reals.
Have you not gone all the way with carson yet?
Have you not gone all the way with carson yet?
Hello?
With carson yet? Hello?
We've been talking about doing
hello? We've been talking about doing
this as a team since we were in
we've been talking about doing this as
a team since we were in fifth grade.
This as a team since we were in fifth grade.
I'm not gonna punk out on you
fifth grade.
I'm not gonna punk out on you bitches now.
I'm not gonna punk out on you bitches now.
That is, like, so cool.
Bitches now. That is, like,
so cool. It's, like, "true life -- I'm
that is, like, so cool. It's, like,
"true life -- I'm losing it with my friends."
It's, like, "true life -- I'm losing it with my friends."
[Cellphone chimes]
Losing it with my friends."
[Cellphone chimes] Travis won't stop blowing up
[cellphone chimes] Travis
won't stop blowing up my cell.
Travis won't stop blowing up my cell.
It's on for saturday, ladies,
my cell. It's on for saturday, ladies,
so get those afro snatches
it's on for saturday, ladies,
so get those afro snatches brazilian'd.
So get those afro snatches brazilian'd.
Oh, brit, you still have our
brazilian'd. Oh, brit,
you still have our safe house covered?
Oh, brit, you still have our safe house covered?
My mom's still in rehab.
Safe house covered?
My mom's still in rehab. We know drama.
My mom's still in rehab.
We know drama. [Cellphone chimes]
We know drama.
[Cellphone chimes] Ooh! [Giggles]
[Cellphone chimes] Ooh!
[Giggles] Okay, chicas, let's go tell
ooh! [Giggles] Okay, chicas,
let's go tell the boys.
Okay, chicas,
let's go tell the boys. [Squeals]
The boys. [Squeals] All:
Love you long time.
[Squeals] All: Love you long time.
[Indistinct conversation]
Gross!
They really said all that? Yeah.
They really said all that?
Yeah. So... What do you think?
Yeah. So... What do you think?
"Losing it -- a group sport for
so... What do you think?
"Losing it -- a group sport for today's teens."
"Losing it -- a group sport for today's teens."
Is that not just the story I've
today's teens."
Is that not just the story I've been looking for?
Is that not just the story I've been looking for?
Wait, leah.
Been looking for? Wait, leah.
You're not gonna smear them in
wait, leah.
You're not gonna smear them in the school paper again?
You're not gonna smear them in the school paper again?
Forget the paper.
The school paper again? Forget the paper.
This is tied to larger social
forget the paper.
This is tied to larger social issues.
This is tied to larger social issues.
I mean, I could blog it, try to
issues. I mean, I could blog it,
try to get it linked to huff po or
i mean, I could blog it,
try to get it linked to huff po or daily kos.
Get it linked to huff po or daily kos.
Sweet jesus.
Daily kos. Sweet jesus.
You're like the julian assange
sweet jesus.
You're like the julian assange of sghs.
You're like the julian assange of sghs.
Oh, come on.
Of sghs. Oh, come on.
Like this is any major
oh, come on.
Like this is any major revelation?
Like this is any major revelation?
Those sluts have been giving
revelation?
Those sluts have been giving hand jobs since the eighth
those sluts have been giving
hand jobs since the eighth grade.
Hand jobs since the eighth grade.
Breaking the safety seal on
grade. Breaking the safety seal
on their overly waxed punanis --
breaking the safety seal on their overly
waxed punanis -- barely a technicality at this
their overly waxed punanis --
barely a technicality at this point.
Barely a technicality at this point.
And besides, I'll just use
point. And besides,
I'll just use pseudonyms again.
And besides,
I'll just use pseudonyms again. Ohh.
Pseudonyms again. Ohh.
You won't be happy until you
ohh. You won't be happy until
you completely ruin my life, will
you won't be happy until you completely ruin my life,
will you?
Completely ruin my life,
will you? Don't be so dramatic.
You? Don't be so dramatic.
Look, in a couple months, we'll
don't be so dramatic. Look, in a couple months,
we'll finally be out of tea-bagger
look, in a couple months, we'll finally be out
of tea-bagger heaven, and I promise you, you
finally be out of tea-bagger heaven,
and I promise you, you won't even remember the
heaven, and I promise you, you won't even
remember the kardashians' names, let alone
won't even remember the kardashians' names,
let alone all the crap we took from them.
Kardashians' names,
let alone all the crap we took from them. Leah.
All the crap we took from them.
Leah. Come on, kath.
Leah. Come on, kath.
All we need's each other, right?
Come on, kath.
All we need's each other, right? [Sighs]
All we need's each other, right?
[Sighs] Right.
[Sighs] Right.
Yeah!
Right. Yeah!
[Crickets chirping]
[Indistinct conversations] Please, everyone,
may I have -- sweetie, the wine.
Please, everyone, may I have -- sweetie, the wine.
May I have your attention for a
have -- sweetie, the wine.
May I have your attention for a few moments?
May I have your attention for a few moments?
You have all entrusted concerned
few moments? You have all entrusted
concerned citizens of san griento with
you have all entrusted concerned citizens of san
griento with upholding the traditional values
citizens of san griento with upholding the
traditional values that make our community such a
upholding the traditional values that make our
community such a wonderful place to live and
that make our community such a wonderful
place to live and raise our children.
Wonderful place to live and raise our children.
But as you also know, those
raise our children. But as you also know,
those things we hold dear are under
but as you also know, those things we hold
dear are under constant attack from socialists
things we hold dear are under constant attack
from socialists and the liberal homosexual
constant attack from socialists and
the liberal homosexual agenda.
And the liberal homosexual agenda.
[Crowd murmuring]
Agenda. [Crowd murmuring] therefore,
I have proposed an
[crowd murmuring] Therefore,
I have proposed an overhauled abstinence-education
therefore, I have proposed an overhauled
abstinence-education program for our young people in
overhauled abstinence-education program
for our young people in the high school.
Program for our young people in the high school.
[Applause]
The high school.
[Applause] co-authored by our fellow board
[applause] Co-authored by our fellow
board members judy lopez and
co-authored by our fellow board members
judy lopez and jan beauright, this program will
members judy lopez and jan beauright,
this program will be privately funded and not
jan beauright, this program will be privately
funded and not subject to the whims of big
be privately funded and not subject
to the whims of big government.
Subject to the whims of big government.
I am pleased to report that I
government. I am pleased to report
that I have found the perfect person to
i am pleased to report that I have found the
perfect person to lead this new venture.
Have found the perfect person to lead this new venture.
She recently fled the immoral
lead this new venture.
She recently fled the immoral climate of her homeland in
she recently fled the immoral climate of her
homeland in europe, realizing that only in
climate of her homeland in europe,
realizing that only in real america could she continue
europe, realizing that only in real america
could she continue her tireless work for the
real america could she continue her
tireless work for the abstinence cause.
Her tireless work for the abstinence cause.
Please won't you all give a
abstinence cause. Please won't you all
give a gracious welcome to liz batho.
Please won't you all give a gracious
welcome to liz batho. [Applause]
[European accent] Thank you, jillian,
and thank you all for such a warm and generous
you, jillian, and thank you all for such a warm
and generous welcome to your lovely, little
for such a warm and generous welcome to your lovely,
little town.
Welcome to your lovely, little town.
The women of today are growing
town. The women of today are
growing up in a world filled with
the women of today are growing
up in a world filled with temptation.
Up in a world filled with temptation.
Before the full blush is on the
temptation. Before the full blush is on the bloom,
they are ready to toss
before the full blush is on the bloom,
they are ready to toss their bouquets to the first
bloom, they are ready to toss their bouquets
to the first young man who compliments their
their bouquets to the first young man who
compliments their rosy cheeks or their blossoming
young man who compliments their
rosy cheeks or their blossoming lips.
Rosy cheeks or their blossoming lips.
Excuse me.
Lips. Excuse me.
Are you saying our daughters are
excuse me.
Are you saying our daughters are sluts?
Are you saying our daughters are sluts?
No, no.
Sluts? No, no.
But without the right guidance,
no, no. But without the right guidance,
they may become sluts.
But without the right guidance,
they may become sluts. Without the proper support
they may become sluts. Without the proper
support system, our children are often
without the proper support system,
our children are often led astray by their burgeoning
system, our children are often led
astray by their burgeoning feelings --
led astray by their burgeoning
feelings -- and the over-sexed
feelings -- and the over-sexed "lamestream" media.
And the over-sexed "lamestream" media.
Yes, of course.
"Lamestream" media. Yes, of course.
I wish to inspire our young
yes, of course.
I wish to inspire our young women to tend to their own
i wish to inspire our young women to tend
to their own gardens and remain pure until
women to tend to their own gardens and
remain pure until that time when they are truly
gardens and remain pure until that time when
they are truly ready for fertilization and the
that time when they are truly ready for
fertilization and the glory that awaits them in their
ready for fertilization and the glory that
awaits them in their marriage bed.
Glory that awaits them in their marriage bed.
[Applause]
Marriage bed.
[Applause] [Indistinct conversations]
[Clang!] Castidad,
how could you be so clumsy?
Castidad, how could you be so clumsy?
Lo siento, seora.
Clumsy? Lo siento, seora.
Lo siento, lo sientoplease.
Lo siento, seora. Lo siento,
lo sientoplease. Esta bien, mija.
Lo siento, lo sientoplease.
Esta bien, mija. Sorry.
Esta bien, mija. Sorry.
It's so hard to find mexicans
sorry.
It's so hard to find mexicans who can do a job correctly.
It's so hard to find mexicans who can do a job correctly.
No offense, judy.
Who can do a job correctly.
No offense, judy. Yeah. None taken, love.
No offense, judy. Yeah. None taken, love.
Isn't that just disgusting?
Yeah. None taken, love. Isn't that just disgusting?
He divorces elly last year after
isn't that just disgusting? He divorces elly
last year after 25 years of faithful service to
he divorces elly last year after 25 years of
faithful service to marry that gold-digging, little
25 years of faithful service to marry that gold-digging,
little home-wrecker.
Marry that gold-digging, little home-wrecker.
It's happening to so many of
home-wrecker.
It's happening to so many of us now.
It's happening to so many of us now.
And the tramps just keep getting
us now.
And the tramps just keep getting younger.
And the tramps just keep getting younger.
How the hell are we supposed
younger. How the hell are we supposed
to compete against that at our
how the hell are we supposed to
compete against that at our age?
To compete against that at our age?
I mean, look at us.
Age? I mean, look at us.
Honestly, how do you do it?
I mean, look at us. Honestly, how do you do it?
What do you mean?
Honestly, how do you do it? What do you mean?
You know, how do you stay so
what do you mean? You know,
how do you stay so young and hot?
You know,
how do you stay so young and hot? Hot.
Young and hot? Hot.
Exactly how old do you think
hot.
Exactly how old do you think i am?
Exactly how old do you think i am?
Oh, come on.
I am? Oh, come on.
We're all friends here.
Oh, come on. We're all friends here.
Your skin -- it's just amazing.
We're all friends here.
Your skin -- it's just amazing. What's your secret?
Your skin -- it's just amazing.
What's your secret? Well, in europe, I did have a
what's your secret? Well, in europe,
I did have a very particular beauty regimen.
Well, in europe, I did have a very particular
beauty regimen. But the products are rather
very particular beauty regimen.
But the products are rather difficult to obtain here.
But the products are rather difficult to obtain here.
Goddamn fda.
Difficult to obtain here. Goddamn fda.
Because with enough money, we
goddamn fda. Because with enough money,
we can go around them, 'cause I
because with enough money,
we can go around them, 'cause I know people.
Can go around them,
'cause I know people. Trust me.
Know people. Trust me.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Trust me. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Is it injectable, or is it a
absolutely. Absolutely. Is it injectable,
or is it a peel, or -- I mean...
Is it injectable, or is it a peel,
or -- I mean... Tell us!
Peel, or -- I mean... Tell us!
Ladies, ladies, please.
Tell us! Ladies, ladies, please.
I'm more than happy to share my
ladies, ladies, please.
I'm more than happy to share my secrets with you.
I'm more than happy to share my secrets with you.
Perhaps we can gather somewhere
secrets with you. Perhaps we can gather
somewhere a little more private one night
perhaps we can gather somewhere a little
more private one night later in the week?
A little more private one night later in the week?
Just us girls?
Later in the week? Just us girls?
Oh, that sounds fabulous.
Just us girls?
Oh, that sounds fabulous. [Laughs]
Oh, that sounds fabulous.
[Laughs] Amazing.
[Laughs] Amazing.
[Glasses clink]
Yesterday's so far away I
don't know what's true with you
I don't know what's true with
you [Conversing in spanish]
You [Conversing in spanish] [Door opens]
[Conversing in spanish] [Door opens] Hi.
Hey.
[Singing in spanish]
[Gasps]
[Indistinct conversations] What's all this about?
I don't know.
What's all this about? I don't know.
Ashley, we would, like, never
I don't know. Ashley, we would, like,
never question you, but we just don't
ashley, we would, like, never question you,
but we just don't get why you didn't call us this
question you, but we just don't get why you
didn't call us this morning to coordinate the new
get why you didn't call us this
morning to coordinate the new look.
Morning to coordinate the new look.
Do you see vogue in espaol
look. Do you see vogue in espaol
here documenting your fashion
do you see vogue in espaol here
documenting your fashion choices?
Here documenting your fashion choices?
Just trust me.
Choices?
Just trust me. Girls.
Just trust me. Girls.
I'll be filling you all in
girls.
I'll be filling you all in soon enough.
I'll be filling you all in soon enough.
Girls, please, let's come to
soon enough. Girls, please,
let's come to order.
Girls, please, let's come to order.
We have a speaker here today
order.
We have a speaker here today arranged by jillian thorne,
we have a speaker here today arranged by jillian thorne,
president of the pta and the
arranged by jillian thorne,
president of the pta and the ccsg.
President of the pta and the ccsg.
She would like to speak to you
ccsg. She would like to speak to
you about a very important issue.
She would like to speak to you about a very
important issue. So, please let's give our full
about a very important issue. So, please let's
give our full ladylike attention and a warm
so, please let's give our full ladylike attention
and a warm san griento high school welcome
ladylike attention and a warm san griento
high school welcome to ms. Liz batho.
San griento high school welcome to ms.
Liz batho. [Applause]
To ms. Liz batho.
[Applause] thank you.
[Applause] Thank you.
[Chuckles]
Thank you.
[Chuckles] Good morning, ladies.
[Chuckles] Good morning, ladies.
As I look out at this room, it
good morning, ladies. As I look out at this room,
it fills my heart with joy to see
as I look out at this room, it fills my heart with
joy to see so many beautiful young women,
fills my heart with joy to see so many beautiful
young women, your lives filled with promise.
So many beautiful young women, your lives
filled with promise. You're like rows of precious
your lives filled with promise. You're like rows
of precious pink rosebuds that have not yet
you're like rows of precious pink rosebuds that
have not yet opened to reveal a lush swelling
pink rosebuds that have not yet opened to reveal
a lush swelling of potential that lies inside of
opened to reveal a lush swelling
of potential that lies inside of you.
Of potential that lies inside of you.
Now, I know you are all
you. Now, I know you are all extremely intelligent,
and I'm
now, I know you are all extremely intelligent,
and I'm sure you know how to make smart
extremely intelligent,
and I'm sure you know how to make smart choices.
Sure you know how to make smart choices.
But we are all tempted at times
choices. But we are all tempted at
times to do things that we know are
but we are all tempted at times to do things
that we know are not right because of peer
to do things that we know are not right
because of peer pressure or because we think it
not right because of peer pressure or because
we think it will make us more popular.
Pressure or because we think it will make us
more popular. One of the greatest temptations
will make us more popular. One of the greatest
temptations for girls your age is... Sex.
One of the greatest temptations for
girls your age is... Sex. [Girls giggling]
For girls your age is... Sex.
[Girls giggling] [Scoffing] oh, shit.
[Girls giggling] [Scoffing] Oh, shit.
Here we go.
[Scoffing] Oh, shit.
Here we go. Shh!
Here we go. Shh!
Now, please understand, I do
shh! Now, please understand,
I do not have any hang-ups about sex.
Now, please understand, I do not have any
hang-ups about sex. Sex is a wonderful, pleasurable
not have any hang-ups about sex. Sex is a wonderful,
pleasurable part of life that I wish for all
sex is a wonderful, pleasurable part of life that
I wish for all of you to fully enjoy... Someday.
Part of life that I wish for all of you to fully
enjoy... Someday. I wish to start a new chapter of
of you to fully enjoy... Someday. I wish to start a
new chapter of my organization at your school,
i wish to start a new chapter of my organization
at your school, which empowers young women to
my organization at your school, which empowers
young women to respect themselves and their
which empowers young women to
respect themselves and their bodies.
Respect themselves and their bodies.
This elite sisterhood is called
bodies.
This elite sisterhood is called the virginity action group.
This elite sisterhood is called the virginity action group.
Today I want to select a few of
the virginity action group.
Today I want to select a few of you seniors who have
today I want to select a few of you seniors
who have consistently made good choices
you seniors who have consistently made
good choices to serve as chastity leaders in
consistently made good choices to
serve as chastity leaders in training.
To serve as chastity leaders in training.
And you will wear a special ring
training.
And you will wear a special ring that will signify your
and you will wear a special ring
that will signify your leadership role.
That will signify your leadership role.
What kind of right-wing
leadership role.
What kind of right-wing nutjob cult is this?
What kind of right-wing nutjob cult is this?
Shh! Quiet!
Nutjob cult is this? Shh! Quiet!
The only thing I ask is that
shh! Quiet!
The only thing I ask is that you sign this pledge...
The only thing I ask is that you sign this pledge...
Stating that you will not lose
you sign this pledge... Stating that you
will not lose your virginity while a student
stating that you will not lose your
virginity while a student at this school.
Your virginity while a student at this school.
See?
At this school. See?
I knew there was a catch.
See? I knew there was a catch.
So, if you've already lost
i knew there was a catch.
So, if you've already lost your virginity, I'm afraid you
so, if you've already lost your virginity,
I'm afraid you cannot be a chastity leader in
your virginity,
I'm afraid you cannot be a chastity leader in training.
Cannot be a chastity leader in training.
Hmm.
Training. Hmm. Right now,
I need girls to lead
hmm. Right now,
I need girls to lead us whose virtue is still intact.
Right now, I need girls to lead us whose
virtue is still intact. So, who will join me?
Us whose virtue is still intact.
So, who will join me? Yeah, which is worse to
so, who will join me?
Yeah, which is worse to admit?
Yeah, which is worse to admit?
Being a virgin or being a slut?
[Scoffs] Can you -- what the hell are you doing?
What? We're virgins!
What the hell are you doing? What?
We're virgins! I've never even kissed a boy.
What? We're virgins!
I've never even kissed a boy. I don't care.
I've never even kissed a boy.
I don't care. Keep your hand down.
I don't care. Keep your hand down.
This whole thing is a neocon
keep your hand down.
This whole thing is a neocon freak show.
This whole thing is a neocon freak show.
Ash, we never question what
freak show. Ash, we never question what you're doing,
but what are you
ash, we never question what you're doing,
but what are you doing?
You're doing, but what are you doing?
I'm volunteering. We all are.
Doing? I'm volunteering.
We all are. Fuck that.
I'm volunteering. We all are.
Fuck that. What about our pact?
Fuck that. What about our pact?
Get your hands up now.
What about our pact? Get your hands up now.
Told you we'll convo later.
Get your hands up now.
Told you we'll convo later. Ah, yes.
Told you we'll convo later. Ah, yes.
You pretty girls at the front.
Ah, yes. You pretty girls at the front.
You already look like natural
you pretty girls at the front.
You already look like natural leaders.
You already look like natural leaders.
Please, come forward.
Leaders.
Please, come forward. What?!
Please, come forward.
What?! Leah, quiet!
What?! Leah, quiet!
Are you absolutely sure
leah, quiet!
Are you absolutely sure they're all virgins?
Are you absolutely sure they're all virgins?
That's just the style these
they're all virgins?
That's just the style these kids wear.
That's just the style these kids wear.
Believe me.
Kids wear. Believe me.
My daughter's their leader.
Believe me. My daughter's their leader.
She knows everything about them,
my daughter's their leader. She knows everything
about them, and they'll do anything she
she knows everything about them,
and they'll do anything she tells them to do.
And they'll do anything she tells them to do.
Wonderful.
Tells them to do. Wonderful.
I look forward to getting to
wonderful.
I look forward to getting to know all of you.
I look forward to getting to know all of you.
Please take a ring.
Know all of you. Please take a ring.
That's right. Yes.
Please take a ring. That's right.
Yes. Put it on that finger, like a
that's right. Yes. Put it on that finger,
like a wedding ring.
Put it on that finger, like a wedding ring.
It signifies a solemn vow.
Wedding ring. It signifies a solemn vow.
Now, if you would please sign
it signifies a solemn vow. Now, if you would
please sign the dossier stating that your
now, if you would please sign the dossier
stating that your intent is to stay chaste and
the dossier stating that your
intent is to stay chaste and pure...
Intent is to stay chaste and pure...
But they can't!
Pure... But they can't!
What about my story?
But they can't!
What about my story? Sign!
What about my story?
Sign! [Pen scratching]
Sign!
[Pen scratching] congratulations.
[Pen scratching] Congratulations.
You four are the inaugural
congratulations.
You four are the inaugural chastity leaders for the
you four are the inaugural chastity
leaders for the san griento virginity action
chastity leaders for the san
griento virginity action group.
San griento virginity action group.
As I said, I invite you other
group. As I said,
I invite you other girls to attend our meetings and
as I said, I invite you other girls to attend
our meetings and to learn by their example.
Girls to attend our meetings and to
learn by their example. All are welcome.
To learn by their example.
All are welcome. [Applause]
Learn by their example? Who the hell are they kidding?
And now I'm back to square one
who the hell are they kidding?
And now I'm back to square one with my story.
And now I'm back to square one with my story.
Oh, don't worry.
With my story. Oh, don't worry.
You'll think of something great.
Oh, don't worry.
You'll think of something great. You always do.
And what about you two?
Will I be seeing you at our first meeting?
Will I be seeing you at our first meeting?
I-I-I'd like that.
First meeting? I-I-I'd like that.
We'll think about it.
I-I-I'd like that.
We'll think about it. Hmm.
We'll think about it.
Hmm. I do hope so.
Hmm. I do hope so.
I don't get you sometimes.
I do hope so. I don't get you sometimes.
Why do you have to be so
I don't get you sometimes.
Why do you have to be so negative and pissy about
why do you have to be so negative
and pissy about everything?
Negative and pissy about everything?
I'm not negative and pissy
everything?
I'm not negative and pissy about everything.
I'm not negative and pissy about everything.
Just about things that are
about everything.
Just about things that are utterly stupid or decidedly
just about things that are utterly stupid
or decidedly creepy, like clown art or
utterly stupid or decidedly creepy,
like clown art or lingerie models with wings or
creepy, like clown art or lingerie models with
wings or reading because oprah said to.
Lingerie models with wings or reading
because oprah said to. Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Reading because oprah said to.
Oh, okay, okay, okay. And that's another thing.
Oh, okay, okay, okay. And that's another thing.
Look, leah, just because we're
and that's another thing. Look, leah,
just because we're friends and you think something
look, leah, just because we're friends and you
think something is stupid that -- well, that
friends and you think something is stupid
that -- well, that doesn't always mean I do.
Is stupid that -- well, that doesn't always mean I do.
Wait, you want to join that
doesn't always mean I do.
Wait, you want to join that reactionary club of theirs?
Wait, you want to join that reactionary club of theirs?
I-I don't know.
Reactionary club of theirs? I-I don't know.
Maybe I'd -- I'd like to go and
I-I don't know.
Maybe I'd -- I'd like to go and see for myself.
Maybe I'd -- I'd like to go and see for myself.
Really?
See for myself. Really?
You didn't think there was
really?
You didn't think there was something spooky about that
you didn't think there was something
spooky about that woman?
Something spooky about that woman?
No. She's foreign.
Woman? No. She's foreign.
People are -- people are very
no. She's foreign. People are -- people
are very different in other countries.
People are -- people are very different in other
countries. They're -- they're more elegant
different in other countries.
They're -- they're more elegant and cultured and stuff.
They're -- they're more elegant and cultured and stuff.
Yeah, I don't know.
And cultured and stuff.
Yeah, I don't know. It wasn't that.
Yeah, I don't know. It wasn't that.
I just felt like the way she
it wasn't that.
I just felt like the way she looked at us was kind of
i just felt like the way she looked
at us was kind of lascivious.
Looked at us was kind of lascivious.
She did?
Lascivious. She did?
I mean, uh...
She did? I mean,
uh... Who cares?
I mean, uh... Who cares?
Look, leah, see, this is exactly
who cares? Look, leah, see,
this is exactly what I'm talking about.
Look, leah, see, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
You -- you don't even know this
what I'm talking about. You -- you don't
even know this woman, and you're already
you -- you don't even know this woman,
and you're already setting judgment on her.
Woman, and you're already setting judgment on her.
Look, you don't even give people
setting judgment on her. Look, you don't
even give people a chance most of the time.
Look, you don't even give people a chance
most of the time. All right, you're not wrong
a chance most of the time. All right,
you're not wrong about that.
All right, you're not wrong about that.
I guess -- [Sighs]
About that.
I guess -- [Sighs] You know me.
I guess -- [Sighs] You know me.
I trust my instincts, and my
you know me. I trust my instincts,
and my instincts are telling me that
i trust my instincts, and my instincts are
telling me that this whole thing is bad news.
Instincts are telling me that this whole
thing is bad news. Let's -- katharine, I worry
this whole thing is bad news. Let's -- katharine,
I worry about you because you're my best
let's -- katharine, I worry about
you because you're my best friend.
About you because you're my best friend.
You're the nicest person in the
friend. You're the nicest person in the whole world,
so I feel like -- I
you're the nicest person in the whole world,
so I feel like -- I don't know -- sometimes maybe
whole world, so I feel like -- I don't know --
sometimes maybe you trust people a little too
don't know -- sometimes maybe
you trust people a little too easily.
You trust people a little too easily.
Leah, I'm not some little
easily.
Leah, I'm not some little girl you have to protect all the
leah, I'm not some little girl you
have to protect all the time.
Girl you have to protect all the time.
You know what? You're right.
Time. You know what?
You're right. I'm sorry.
You know what? You're right.
I'm sorry. Let's just forget all about it,
i'm sorry.
Let's just forget all about it, okay?
Let's just forget all about it, okay? [Shivers]
Okay? [Shivers] it's freezing in here,
isn't it?
[Shivers] It's freezing in here,
isn't it? Hadn't really noticed.
It's freezing in here, isn't it?
Hadn't really noticed. [Sighs]
Hadn't really noticed.
[Sighs] do, do-do-do-do
[sighs] do,
do-do-do-do do-do, do-do-do-do
do, do-do-do-do do-do,
do-do-do-do do-do, do-do-do-do
do-do, do-do-do-do do-do,
do-do-do-do do-do
do-do,
do-do-do-do do-do what the hell, ashley?
Do-do what the hell, ashley?
First you was giving it up on
what the hell, ashley?
First you was giving it up on saturday.
First you was giving it up on saturday.
Now you cock-blocking with some
saturday.
Now you cock-blocking with some virginity club?
Now you cock-blocking with some virginity club?
What's up with that?
Virginity club? What's up with that?
Baby, don't get it twisted.
What's up with that? Baby, don't get it twisted.
This is our chance to really do
baby, don't get it twisted.
This is our chance to really do something for the school.
This is our chance to really do something for the school.
Bitch, please, stop fronting
something for the school. Bitch, please,
stop fronting like you care about the school.
Bitch, please, stop fronting like you care
about the school. Maybe I do, fucktard!
Like you care about the school.
Maybe I do, fucktard! You better come correct, or
maybe I do, fucktard! You better come correct,
or you'll be getting busy with
you better come correct, or you'll be getting
busy with seor mano for a year before you
you'll be getting busy with seor mano
for a year before you tap this sweet ass.
Seor mano for a year before you tap this sweet ass.
Dang! That's cold, man.
Tap this sweet ass. Dang!
That's cold, man. Come on, now.
Dang! That's cold, man.
Come on, now. Damn, girl.
Come on, now. Damn, girl.
How you gonna put a brother on
damn, girl. How you gonna put a
brother on blast like that in front of my
how you gonna put a brother on blast
like that in front of my boys, huh?
Blast like that in front of my boys, huh?
You know I don't mean no
boys, huh?
You know I don't mean no "disrespesee."
You know I don't mean no "disrespesee."
But I'm fitting to lose my mind
"disrespesee." But I'm fitting to lose
my mind right now 'cause we should be
but I'm fitting to lose my mind right
now 'cause we should be body to body.
Right now 'cause we should be body to body.
You know what I'm saying?
Body to body.
You know what I'm saying? Please.
You know what I'm saying? Please.
Has mama ever left you hanging?
Please. Has mama ever left you hanging?
Just got to chill for a minute.
Has mama ever left you hanging?
Just got to chill for a minute. I'll still be your backseat
just got to chill for a minute.
I'll still be your backseat driver.
I'll still be your backseat driver.
Yeah!
Driver. Yeah!
Okay. Yeah!
Yeah! Okay. Yeah!
I got that ass on lock,
okay. Yeah!
I got that ass on lock, y'all.
I got that ass on lock, y'all.
All right, shorty.
Y'all. All right, shorty.
I'll run up on your later, all
all right, shorty.
I'll run up on your later, all right?
I'll run up on your later, all right?
The one that got away
right?
The one that got away sex slaves
the one that got away sex
slaves the rave at every party
sex slaves the rave at
every party epitome of beauty
the rave at every party epitome
of beauty down with phoebe
epitome of beauty down with phoebe for the love,
it makes you
down with phoebe for the love,
it makes you lost
for the love,
it makes you lost your identity, holy trinity
lost your identity,
holy trinity hey. Let's roll.
Your identity, holy trinity hey.
Let's roll. Do tell
hey. Let's roll.
Do tell tumble down the wishing well
do tell tumble down the wishing well well, well
tumble down the wishing well well,
well ice loves coco.
Well, well ice loves coco.
I love you, too, baby.
Ice loves coco.
I love you, too, baby. Catch 'em.
I love you, too, baby.
Catch 'em. Bye, papi!
Catch 'em. Bye, papi!
Mi amor, mama!
Bye, papi!
Mi amor, mama! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Mi amor, mama! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Ashley, I would never
ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! Ashley, I would never question you,
but you got to
ashley, I would never question you,
but you got to explain why we're doing this.
Question you, but you got to explain why
we're doing this. We're not doing this.
Explain why we're doing this.
We're not doing this. Right?
We're not doing this. Right?
I know it seems totally
right? I know it seems totally whack,
but check it.
I know it seems totally whack,
but check it. My mom's, like, best friends
whack, but check it. My mom's, like,
best friends with liz now, and apparently she
my mom's, like, best friends with liz now,
and apparently she is hooked up.
With liz now, and apparently she is hooked up.
Who her baby daddy?
Is hooked up. Who her baby daddy?
Not knocked up, dumb shit.
Who her baby daddy? Not knocked up,
dumb shit. She's, like, connected.
Not knocked up, dumb shit.
She's, like, connected. Like, if we play along with
she's, like, connected. Like, if we play along with this,
we could be starring in
like, if we play along with this,
we could be starring in our own reality show about
this, we could be starring in our own
reality show about v.A.G. For mtv.
Our own reality show about v.A.G. For mtv.
[Squeals]
V.A.G. For mtv.
[Squeals] For reals?
[Squeals] For reals?
Like our very own
for reals?
Like our very own "jersey shore"!
Like our very own "jersey shore"!
Oh, my god. Okay.
"Jersey shore"! Oh, my god.
Okay. So, ashley's totally
oh, my god. Okay.
So, ashley's totally sammi "sweetheart," you're
so, ashley's totally sammi "sweetheart,"
you're jwoww, you're snooki, and I'm
sammi "sweetheart," you're jwoww,
you're snooki, and I'm the blast, yo.
Jwoww, you're snooki, and I'm the blast,
yo. Why the fuck am I snooki?
The blast, yo. Why the fuck am I snooki?
Listening ears, bitches.
Why the fuck am I snooki? Listening ears, bitches.
Y'all need to make sure your
listening ears, bitches.
Y'all need to make sure your look is on point.
Y'all need to make sure your look is on point.
Think "slow down baby"
look is on point. Think "slow down baby" christina,
not "dirrty" xtina.
Think "slow down baby" christina,
not "dirrty" xtina. As for the rest, just follow my
christina, not "dirrty" xtina. As for the rest,
just follow my lead, as usual.
As for the rest, just follow my lead,
as usual. They want sweet, little virgins?
Lead, as usual. They want sweet,
little virgins? Then that's how we roll.
They want sweet, little virgins?
Then that's how we roll. Now, just keep your mouth and
then that's how we roll. Now, just keep your
mouth and legs shut until we're on the red
now, just keep your mouth and legs shut until
we're on the red carpet drinking that buzz.
Legs shut until we're on the red
carpet drinking that buzz. Yeah!
Carpet drinking that buzz.
Yeah! Genius, ash.
Yeah! Genius, ash.
I totally never doubted you.
Genius, ash. I totally never doubted you.
What do you want?
I totally never doubted you.
What do you want? A fucking alma award?
What do you want?
A fucking alma award? [Scoffs] Let's go.
What you doing here, girlie? Uh... Nothing.
Just looking for my long-form
uh... Nothing.
Just looking for my long-form birth certificate.
Just looking for my long-form birth certificate.
You seen it?
Birth certificate. You seen it?
Right. Got to go.
[Thunder rumbles] And, no,
I didn't forget you. Oh, yes. Yes.
And, no, I didn't forget you.
Oh, yes. Yes. [Cats meowing]
Oh, yes. Yes. [Cats meowing] Oh,
you're so beautiful.
[Cats meowing] Oh, you're so beautiful.
Now, now, mrs. Danvers, you stop
oh, you're so beautiful. Now, now, mrs.
Danvers, you stop terrorizing mrs. De winter.
Now, now, mrs. Danvers, you stop terrorizing mrs.
De winter. Honestly, can't we all just get
terrorizing mrs. De winter.
Honestly, can't we all just get along?
Honestly, can't we all just get along?
[Chuckles]
Along?
[Chuckles] Oh!
[Chuckles] Oh!
Mwah, mwah!
Oh! Mwah, mwah!
[Doorbell rings]
Mwah, mwah!
[Doorbell rings] What --
[doorbell rings] What -- [Thunder rumbling]
Oh. Hello.
I didn't expect to see you tonight.
I didn't expect to see you tonight.
I'm so embarrassed.
Tonight. I'm so embarrassed.
I would have tidied up a bit had
I'm so embarrassed.
I would have tidied up a bit had I known.
I would have tidied up a bit had I known.
Girls, behave yourselves.
I known. Girls, behave yourselves.
Don't mind them.
Girls, behave yourselves.
Don't mind them. [Chuckles]
Don't mind them.
[Chuckles] Just, um, make yourself
[chuckles] Just, um,
make yourself comfortable.
Just, um, make yourself comfortable.
Would you like something to
comfortable.
Would you like something to drink?
Would you like something to drink?
Coffee? Tea? Me?
Drink? Coffee?
Tea? Me? [Laughs]
Coffee? Tea? Me?
[Laughs] All right, then.
[Laughs] All right, then.
Down to business.
All right, then.
Down to business. [Sighs]
Down to business.
[Sighs] There's this paperwork from the
[sighs] There's this paperwork from the school board.
There's this paperwork from the school board.
Um...
I knew... Somehow...
From the minute I saw you, I
somehow... From the minute I saw you,
I knew there was something between
from the minute I saw you,
I knew there was something between us.
Knew there was something between us.
This is what I've been hoping
us. This is what I've been hoping
and waiting for all these years.
This is what I've been hoping and
waiting for all these years. Take me.
And waiting for all these years.
Take me. [Moaning] Take me.
Take me.
[Moaning] Take me. Oh!
[Moaning] Take me. Oh!
Oh, what are you doing?
Oh! Oh, what are you doing?
[Chuckles]
Oh, what are you doing?
[Chuckles] No! Oh!
[Chuckles] No!
Oh! No! Oh! God!
No! Oh! No! Oh!
God! [Screams]
No! Oh! God!
[Screams] [Cat screeches]
[Screams] [Cat screeches] [Cat meows]
[Cat screeches] [Cat meows] [Choking]
[Thunder crashes] At least
stripper chic seems to be over.
At least stripper chic seems to be over.
Goodbye, hiltons. Hello, palins?
To be over. Goodbye, hiltons. Hello, palins?
Told you that club was part of
goodbye, hiltons. Hello, palins? Told you that
club was part of some jesus-freak conspiracy.
Told you that club was part of some
jesus-freak conspiracy. Heads up, comrade.
Some jesus-freak conspiracy.
Heads up, comrade. Sorry about that!
Heads up, comrade.
Sorry about that! [Chuckles]
Sorry about that!
[Chuckles] Yeah.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Nice t-shirt.
Yeah. Nice t-shirt.
Oh, uh, thanks.
Nice t-shirt. Oh, uh, thanks.
You know, it's really funny.
Oh, uh, thanks. You know,
it's really funny. Leah is really into
you know, it's really funny.
Leah is really into revolutionary politics, too.
Leah is really into revolutionary politics, too.
Wow. Cool.
Revolutionary politics, too.
Wow. Cool. Mm-hmm.
Wow. Cool. Mm-hmm.
You know, I bet you two would
mm-hmm. You know,
I bet you two would have a lot to talk about.
You know, I bet you two would have a lot to talk about.
Yeah, unfortunately, I'm more
have a lot to talk about. Yeah, unfortunately,
I'm more of a simone de beauvoir girl
yeah, unfortunately,
I'm more of a simone de beauvoir girl myself, so...
Of a simone de beauvoir girl myself,
so... "The word love has by no
myself, so... "The word love has by
no means the same sense for both
"the word love has by no means the same
sense for both sexes, and this is just one
means the same sense for both sexes,
and this is just one cause for the serious
sexes, and this is just one cause for the
serious misunderstandings that divide
cause for the serious
misunderstandings that divide them."
Misunderstandings that divide them."
You've read "the second sex"?
Them." You've read "the second sex"?
Yeah, it's incredible.
You've read "the second sex"? Yeah, it's incredible.
And her protofeminist doctrine
yeah, it's incredible. And her protofeminist
doctrine was so ahead of its time, you
and her protofeminist doctrine was so ahead of its time,
you know?
Was so ahead of its time,
you know? And her, um, existential
know? And her, um,
existential writing, like the --
and her, um, existential writing,
like the -- "the ethics of ambiguity."
Writing, like the -- "the ethics of ambiguity."
We're just slapped in the face
"the ethics of ambiguity." We're just slapped
in the face with the absurdity of our own
we're just slapped in the face with
the absurdity of our own existence.
With the absurdity of our own existence.
I mean, that book, like,
existence. I mean, that book, like,
literally changed my life.
I mean, that book, like,
literally changed my life. Huh.
Literally changed my life. Huh.
Maybe we should discuss that
huh.
Maybe we should discuss that sometime.
Maybe we should discuss that sometime.
[Giggles] Bye!
Sometime.
[Giggles] Bye! See?
[Giggles] Bye! See?
He's cool and smart, and he's
see? He's cool and smart,
and he's kind of cute, don't you think?
He's cool and smart, and he's kind of cute,
don't you think? I see what you're doing, and
kind of cute, don't you think?
I see what you're doing, and I'm not falling for it.
I see what you're doing, and I'm not falling for it.
What? I'm -- I'm just giving
I'm not falling for it. What?
I'm -- I'm just giving things a little push.
What? I'm -- I'm just giving things a little push.
Kath, I need a push like a
things a little push.
Kath, I need a push like a fish needs a prius.
Kath, I need a push like a fish needs a prius.
Ba-dum!
Fish needs a prius.
Ba-dum! Ching!
Ba-dum! Ching!
Uh, listen, I think I forgot
ching! Uh, listen,
I think I forgot something in the library, so I
uh, listen, I think I forgot something in the library,
so I got to go, okay?
Something in the library, so I got to go, okay?
Yeah, I got to go back to the
got to go, okay?
Yeah, I got to go back to the journalism room.
Yeah, I got to go back to the journalism room.
Later, old buddy, old pal.
Journalism room.
Later, old buddy, old pal. Bye.
Later, old buddy, old pal. Bye.
Okay, chicas, let's come to
bye. Okay, chicas,
let's come to order so we can get started.
Okay, chicas, let's come to order so we can get started.
Liz, you have the floor.
Order so we can get started.
Liz, you have the floor. Thank you, ashley, and our
liz, you have the floor. Thank you, ashley,
and our other chastity leaders.
Thank you, ashley, and our other chastity leaders.
And welcome, all of you.
Other chastity leaders. And welcome,
all of you. It's wonderful to have so many
and welcome, all of you. It's wonderful to
have so many of you here today making a
it's wonderful to have so many of you here
today making a commitment to your virtue.
Of you here today making a commitment to your virtue.
You can be completely open to
commitment to your virtue. You can be completely
open to talk about any topic you wish to
you can be completely open to talk about any
topic you wish to discuss during our meetings.
Talk about any topic you wish to discuss during
our meetings. Whatever is said in this room
discuss during our meetings.
Whatever is said in this room stays in this room.
Whatever is said in this room stays in this room.
Cool.
Stays in this room. Cool.
It's just like vegas.
Cool. It's just like vegas.
Oh, hello.
It's just like vegas. Oh, hello.
I remember you from the
oh, hello.
I remember you from the auditorium, yes?
I remember you from the auditorium, yes?
Yes, of course.
Auditorium, yes? Yes, of course.
I'm delighted you could join us.
Yes, of course.
I'm delighted you could join us. Please. Sit.
I'm delighted you could join us.
Please. Sit. [Clears throat]
Please. Sit.
[Clears throat] [Chuckles]
[Clears throat] [Chuckles]
Now we may begin in earnest.
[Chuckles] Now we may begin in earnest.
Who would like to start?
Now we may begin in earnest. Who would like to start?
No one has a question or a story
who would like to start?
No one has a question or a story they'd like to share?
No one has a question or a story they'd like to share?
Some temptation they may have
they'd like to share?
Some temptation they may have faced recently?
Some temptation they may have faced recently?
Oh, very well.
Faced recently? Oh, very well.
If you're all going to be shy, I
oh, very well.
If you're all going to be shy, I shall begin.
If you're all going to be shy, I shall begin.
This story takes place in france
shall begin. This story takes place in
france when I was about your age.
This story takes place in france when I was
about your age. At a dance, I ran into a young
when I was about your age. At a dance,
I ran into a young man whom I'd met on holiday the
at a dance, I ran into a young man whom
I'd met on holiday the summer before.
Man whom I'd met on holiday the summer before.
He was devastatingly handsome,
summer before. He was devastatingly handsome,
very mature for a boy of 20, and
he was devastatingly handsome, very mature
for a boy of 20, and he had, let's just say, a way
very mature for a boy of 20, and he had,
let's just say, a way with words that made him very
he had, let's just say,
a way with words that made him very difficult to resist.
With words that made him very difficult to resist.
[Classical music playing]
[Applause] And that, my dears,
is how I managed to resist his advances
and that, my dears, is how I managed to
resist his advances that magical night.
Managed to resist his advances that magical night.
But had I been older and had we
that magical night. But had I been older
and had we been betrothed, it could have
but had I been older and had we been betrothed,
it could have been the perfect night for
been betrothed, it could have been the perfect
night for making love under the parisian
been the perfect night for making
love under the parisian moon.
Making love under the parisian moon.
But as it was, we were too young
moon. But as it was,
we were too young to make that sort of lifelong
but as it was, we were too young to
make that sort of lifelong commitment.
To make that sort of lifelong commitment.
Right.
Commitment. Right.
He could have totally used her
right. He could have totally used her and been like,
"see ya," the
he could have totally used her and been like,
"see ya," the next morning.
And been like, "see ya," the next morning.
Then she would have felt like a
next morning.
Then she would have felt like a total skeetch.
Then she would have felt like a total skeetch.
Precisely.
Total skeetch. Precisely.
Thank you, ashley, for
precisely. Thank you, ashley,
for rephrasing that so we could all
thank you, ashley,
for rephrasing that so we could all understand.
Rephrasing that so we could all understand.
Anybody else?
Understand. Anybody else?
Um, I have a question.
Anybody else? Um, I have a question.
Yes. Kelly, go ahead.
Um, I have a question. Yes. Kelly, go ahead.
Okay, so, what if you do love
yes. Kelly, go ahead. Okay, so,
what if you do love him and he loves you, too, and
okay, so, what if you do love him and he loves you, too,
and you both want to do it, like,
him and he loves you, too,
and you both want to do it, like, really bad?
You both want to do it, like, really bad?
You're trying to wait, but he
really bad? You're trying to wait,
but he says that it hurts him, and he
you're trying to wait, but he says that it hurts him,
and he says that waiting any longer
says that it hurts him, and he says that waiting
any longer could do permanent damage...
Says that waiting any longer could do
permanent damage... Down there?
Could do permanent damage... Down there?
And if that would have happened,
down there? And if that would have happened,
it would be totally all your
and if that would have happened, it would be
totally all your fault, especially when you both
it would be totally all your fault,
especially when you both want to do it, like, so bad.
Fault, especially when you both want to do it, like,
so bad. Uh, I think what kelly, one
want to do it, like, so bad. Uh, I think what kelly,
one of our chastity leaders, is
uh, I think what kelly, one of our chastity leaders,
is saying is, what if one of the
of our chastity leaders, is saying is,
what if one of the other girls is thinking that but
saying is, what if one of the other girls is
thinking that but is too shy to ask, you know?
Other girls is thinking that but is too shy to ask,
you know? Role-playing.
Is too shy to ask, you know?
Role-playing. Right, kelly?
Role-playing. Right, kelly?
Yeah, that was totally what I
right, kelly?
Yeah, that was totally what I was doing.
Yeah, that was totally what I was doing.
Like a hippo-theoretical
was doing.
Like a hippo-theoretical situation.
Like a hippo-theoretical situation.
Thank you, kelly.
Situation. Thank you, kelly.
And in that spirit, perhaps one
thank you, kelly. And in that spirit,
perhaps one of your peers would like to
and in that spirit,
perhaps one of your peers would like to answer.
Of your peers would like to answer.
Yes, noemi.
Answer. Yes, noemi.
I would never put anyone else
yes, noemi. I would never put anyone
else down for their choice, but I
I would never put anyone else down for their choice,
but I think if I ever felt that
down for their choice, but I think if I ever
felt that tempted, I would just get down
think if I ever felt that tempted,
I would just get down on my knees and pray to god --
tempted, I would just get down on my
knees and pray to god -- [Deep voice] No!
On my knees and pray to god -- [Deep voice] No!
[Thunder crashes]
[Deep voice] No!
[Thunder crashes] You must never mention his name
[thunder crashes] You must
never mention his name in here.
You must never mention his name in here.
[Normal voice] Hmm.
In here. [Normal voice] Hmm.
You see, my dear, um, we could
[normal voice] Hmm. You see, my dear, um,
we could get into a lot of trouble for
you see, my dear, um, we could get into a
lot of trouble for having that sort of talk in a
get into a lot of trouble for having that
sort of talk in a public school, yes?
Having that sort of talk in a public school, yes?
Well, I think that's enough for
public school, yes?
Well, I think that's enough for today.
Well, I think that's enough for today.
See you all next time.
Today. See you all next time.
Coffee?
See you all next time.
Coffee? Yeah, let's do it.
Coffee? Yeah, let's do it.
Totes dragging.
Yeah, let's do it.
Totes dragging. I know.
Totes dragging.
I know. You there.
I know.
You there. Me?
You there.
Me? Yes. You.
Me? Yes. You.
What was your name again?
Yes. You. What was your name again?
K-katharine.
What was your name again?
K-katharine. Ah. Katharine.
K-katharine. Ah. Katharine.
So many brave and beautiful
ah. Katharine. So many brave and
beautiful queens have shared that name,
so many brave and beautiful queens
have shared that name, you know.
Queens have shared that name,
you know. Hmm.
You know. Hmm.
I see you like flowers.
Hmm. I see you like flowers.
Uh-huh.
I see you like flowers. Uh-huh.
You must be quite the
uh-huh. You must be quite the naturalist,
my dear.
You must be quite the naturalist,
my dear. It's a wonderful thing for a
naturalist, my dear. It's a wonderful thing
for a young woman to respect wildlife
it's a wonderful thing for a young
woman to respect wildlife in all its glory.
Young woman to respect wildlife in all its glory.
Tell me, katharine, queen of the
in all its glory. Tell me, katharine,
queen of the daisies, have you kept your
tell me, katharine, queen of the daisies,
have you kept your virtue intact?
Daisies, have you kept your virtue intact?
Yes.
Virtue intact?
Yes. Hmm. Good.
Yes. Hmm. Good.
When the time is right, your
hmm. Good. When the time is right,
your blossom will be plucked by
when the time is right, your blossom will
be plucked by someone who sees your true
blossom will be plucked by someone
who sees your true beauty.
Someone who sees your true beauty.
Until then, I trust I will see
beauty. Until then,
I trust I will see you at our next meeting.
Until then,
I trust I will see you at our next meeting. Hmm.
[Exhales sharply]
Oh, hello.
You're katharine's little friend, yes?
You're katharine's little friend, yes?
What was your name again?
Friend, yes?
What was your name again? Leah.
What was your name again?
Leah. Ah, yes. Leah.
Leah. Ah, yes. Leah.
Why did you not join us for our
ah, yes. Leah.
Why did you not join us for our meeting?
Why did you not join us for our meeting?
Uh, I don't need a club to
meeting? Uh, I don't need a club to
teach me how to respect myself.
Uh, I don't need a club to teach me how to
respect myself. Aren't you tough as nails.
Teach me how to respect myself.
Aren't you tough as nails. Well, good for you.
Aren't you tough as nails. Well, good for you.
We could all use more headstrong
well, good for you. We could all use more
headstrong young women like yourself.
We could all use more headstrong
young women like yourself. [Scoffs]
Young women like yourself.
[Scoffs] Never been much of a joiner, I
[scoffs] Never been much of a joiner,
I guess.
Never been much of a joiner, I guess.
Not really the sorority type, if
guess. Not really the sorority type,
if you know what I mean.
Not really the sorority type, if you know what I mean.
Well, sisterhood can be very
you know what I mean.
Well, sisterhood can be very powerful, my dear.
Well, sisterhood can be very powerful,
my dear. Don't knock it till you've tried
powerful, my dear.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
[Scoffs]
It.
[Scoffs] Don't you like me, leah?
[Scoffs] Don't you like me, leah?
I'm not used to people not
don't you like me, leah?
I'm not used to people not liking me.
I'm not used to people not liking me.
I don't know you well enough
liking me. I don't know you well
enough to feel anything one way or the
I don't know you well enough to
feel anything one way or the other.
To feel anything one way or the other.
Are you sure?
Other. Are you sure?
'Cause you look very familiar to
are you sure?
'Cause you look very familiar to me.
'Cause you look very familiar to me.
Something about the eyes, but I
me. Something about the eyes,
but I can't...
Something about the eyes,
but I can't... Katharine.
Can't... Katharine.
I was just telling your dear
katharine. I was just telling your
dear friend leah how she really ought
I was just telling your dear friend leah how she
really ought to join us for our next meeting.
Friend leah how she really ought to join us for our
next meeting. Perhaps you can change her mind,
to join us for our next meeting.
Perhaps you can change her mind, hmm?
Perhaps you can change her mind, hmm?
You little sneak!
Hmm? You little sneak!
What?!
You little sneak! What?!
You totally went to that
what?!
You totally went to that meeting.
You totally went to that meeting.
So? What?!
Meeting. So? What?!
You know what.
So? What?! You know what.
What happened? Was it stupid?
You know what. What happened?
Was it stupid? Details, please.
What happened? Was it stupid?
Details, please. No, it wasn't stupid.
Details, please. No, it wasn't stupid.
Look, I'm not gonna sit here and
no, it wasn't stupid. Look, I'm not gonna
sit here and tell you if you're just gonna
look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell
you if you're just gonna make fun of it.
Tell you if you're just gonna make fun of it.
Plus anything we say in there is
make fun of it. Plus anything we say in
there is supposed to be confidential.
Plus anything we say in there is
supposed to be confidential. [Scoffs]
Supposed to be confidential.
[Scoffs] Confidential from me?
[Scoffs] Confidential from me?
From everyone.
Confidential from me? From everyone.
Leah, come on. I promised.
From everyone. Leah, come on.
I promised. Well, what is it?
Leah, come on. I promised.
Well, what is it? Like, a.A. For recovering
well, what is it?
Like, a.A. For recovering hussies led by a slightly better
like, a.A. For recovering hussies led
by a slightly better dressed dr. Laura?
Hussies led by a slightly better dressed dr.
Laura? You know what?
Dressed dr. Laura?
You know what? She's really cool.
You know what? She's really cool.
I mean, you definitely misjudge
she's really cool. I mean,
you definitely misjudge her based on some weird first
I mean, you definitely misjudge her
based on some weird first impression.
Her based on some weird first impression.
I mean, she's very elegant and
impression. I mean,
she's very elegant and smart and interesting.
I mean,
she's very elegant and smart and interesting. Hmm.
Smart and interesting. Hmm.
So, is she gonna be your new
hmm.
So, is she gonna be your new best friend you tell all your
so, is she gonna be your new best
friend you tell all your secrets to now?
Best friend you tell all your secrets to now?
Leah, come on.
Secrets to now? Leah, come on.
Well, if you're so in love
leah, come on.
Well, if you're so in love with her --
well, if you're so in love with her -- I didn't say that!
With her -- I didn't say that!
Uh...
I didn't say that!
Uh... Sorry.
Uh... Sorry.
Didn't mean to act like such a
sorry.
Didn't mean to act like such a bitch.
Didn't mean to act like such a bitch.
It -- it's okay.
Bitch. It -- it's okay.
I mean, even best friends
it -- it's okay. I mean,
even best friends disagree sometimes, right?
I mean,
even best friends disagree sometimes, right? Right.
Um, I've got to go back to the journalism
room to finish up a layout, so I'll see you
journalism room to finish up a layout,
so I'll see you tomorrow?
Layout, so I'll see you tomorrow?
Okay.
Tomorrow? Okay. You got it,
old buddy, old pal.
Good evening.
I bid you welcome to my humble home.
I bid you welcome to my humble home.
So, who would like to try some
home. So, who would like to try some
of my delicious beauty products?
So, who would like to try some of my delicious
beauty products? Whoa, whoa! Me, me, me!
Of my delicious beauty products?
Whoa, whoa! Me, me, me! [Chuckles]
Whoa, whoa! Me, me, me!
[Chuckles] Now, I must warn you, this
[chuckles] Now, I must warn you,
this treatment I'm about to share
now, I must warn you, this treatment I'm
about to share with you is not exactly legal in
treatment I'm about to share with
you is not exactly legal in this country.
With you is not exactly legal in this country.
I could get into trouble for
this country. I could get into trouble for procuring it,
so I must be able
I could get into trouble for procuring it,
so I must be able to count on your absolute
procuring it, so I must be able to count on
your absolute discretion that you will never
to count on your absolute discretion that
you will never tell another living soul about
discretion that you will never tell
another living soul about this.
Tell another living soul about this.
We swear.
This. We swear.
It stays within this group.
We swear.
It stays within this group. Yeah.
It stays within this group.
Yeah. Good.
Yeah. Good.
Now, take out your mirrors and
good.
Now, take out your mirrors and prepare to be amazed.
Now, take out your mirrors and prepare to be amazed.
[Fingers snap]
Prepare to be amazed. [Fingers snap] Now,
please do not be put off by
[fingers snap] Now,
please do not be put off by the look or smell of it.
Now, please do not be put off by the look or smell of it.
It can be a little strange at
the look or smell of it.
It can be a little strange at first.
It can be a little strange at first.
Just take a little on your
first.
Just take a little on your finger.
Just take a little on your finger.
Dab it on your most hated
finger. Dab it on your most hated wrinkle,
gently massaging it in.
Dab it on your most hated wrinkle,
gently massaging it in. Ooh, it does smell a little
wrinkle, gently massaging it in.
Ooh, it does smell a little funky.
Ooh, it does smell a little funky.
It looks a little bit like
funky.
It looks a little bit like blood.
It looks a little bit like blood.
Yes.
Blood. Yes.
Rub it into those foul lines and
yes.
Rub it into those foul lines and watch them disappear.
Rub it into those foul lines and watch them disappear.
Oh. Oh.
Watch them disappear.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh.
[Sighing]
Oh.
[Sighing] It's working.
[Sighing] It's working.
Oh, my god.
It's working. Oh, my god.
It's already working!
Oh, my god. It's already working!
I've never seen anything like
it's already working!
I've never seen anything like this before.
I've never seen anything like this before.
This is better than juvderm.
This before.
This is better than juvderm. Way better!
This is better than juvderm.
Way better! And the ingredients are all
way better!
And the ingredients are all natural.
And the ingredients are all natural.
This is incredible!
Natural. This is incredible!
Will this work on my ass,
this is incredible!
Will this work on my ass, too?
Will this work on my ass, too?
We have to get more of this.
Too? We have to get more of this.
Liz, please, I don't care if
we have to get more of this.
Liz, please, I don't care if it's illegal.
Liz, please, I don't care if it's illegal.
How can we help you?
It's illegal. How can we help you?
Oh, believe me, my darlings,
how can we help you? Oh, believe me,
my darlings, you already have.
Oh, believe me, my darlings,
you already have. Hmm.
You already have.
Hmm. [All gasping]
Hmm.
[All gasping] [Thunder crashes]
[All gasping] [Thunder crashes] Hey, kath!
[Thunder crashes] Hey, kath!
Uh, are you going to v.A.G.
Hey, kath!
Uh, are you going to v.A.G. Today?
Uh, are you going to v.A.G. Today?
Yeah. Why?
Today? Yeah. Why?
I just figured I could come
yeah. Why?
I just figured I could come with you.
I just figured I could come with you.
I mean, you're right.
With you. I mean, you're right.
I don't know anything about it,
I mean, you're right. I don't know anything about it,
and so I don't have a right to
I don't know anything about it, and so I don't
have a right to judge it until I see for myself.
And so I don't have a right to judge it until
I see for myself. This must be a scene from
judge it until I see for myself.
This must be a scene from "invasion of the body
this must be a scene from
"invasion of the body snatchers."
"Invasion of the body snatchers."
What planet are you from, and
snatchers." What planet are you from,
and where are you keeping my friend
what planet are you from,
and where are you keeping my friend leah?
Where are you keeping my friend leah?
Oh, come on.
Leah? Oh, come on.
I'm just trying to be less
oh, come on.
I'm just trying to be less "negative and pissy" or
I'm just trying to be less
"negative and pissy" or whatever.
"Negative and pissy" or whatever.
Mm-hmm. Sure you are.
Whatever. Mm-hmm. Sure you are.
Okay. So, what's the angle?
Mm-hmm. Sure you are. Okay. So, what's the angle?
Another expos about how this
okay. So, what's the angle? Another expos
about how this club is a direct result of the
another expos about how this club is a
direct result of the bush doctrine that still
club is a direct result of the bush doctrine
that still continues to haunt us or a
bush doctrine that still continues to haunt
us or a manifesto about how women with a
continues to haunt us or a manifesto about
how women with a "y" are still enslaved by a
manifesto about how women with a "y" are
still enslaved by a madonna whore complex?
"Y" are still enslaved by a madonna whore complex?
Wow, I couldn't have put it
madonna whore complex?
Wow, I couldn't have put it better myself.
Wow, I couldn't have put it better myself.
Mm-hmm.
Better myself. Mm-hmm.
Oh, katharine, please just
mm-hmm. Oh, katharine,
please just let me come with you.
Oh, katharine, please just let me come with you.
Honestly, I really just want to
let me come with you. Honestly, I really
just want to see it for myself before I pass
honestly, I really just want to see it for
myself before I pass judgment -- for once.
See it for myself before I pass judgment -- for once.
[Sighs] Okay.
Judgment -- for once. [Sighs] Okay.
But you have to promise not to
[sighs] Okay.
But you have to promise not to cause any trouble.
But you have to promise not to cause any trouble.
And please don't be a smartass
cause any trouble.
And please don't be a smartass if you hate it.
And please don't be a smartass if you hate it.
Promise I'll be good.
If you hate it.
Promise I'll be good. Okay.
Promise I'll be good.
Okay. Oh, no.
Okay.
Oh, no. Shit.
Oh, no. Shit.
Guess you're just gonna have
shit. Guess you're just gonna have
to check out the club another
guess you're just gonna have to
check out the club another time.
To check out the club another time.
But, hey, listen, um, I have to
time. But, hey, listen, um,
I have to go, so I'll just -- I'll just
but, hey, listen, um, I have to go,
so I'll just -- I'll just see you tomorrow.
Go, so I'll just -- I'll just see you tomorrow.
Katharine, wh--
see you tomorrow.
Katharine, wh-- where are you going?
[Thunder rumbles]
Wow.
[Breathes deeply]
What you looking for, girlie?
[Screams] [European accent] Don't you
[screams] [European accent] Don't
you have anything better to do than
[european accent] Don't you have
anything better to do than scaring people?
Have anything better to do than scaring people?
Get back to work!
Scaring people? Get back to work!
I'm sorry he frightened you.
Get back to work! I'm sorry he frightened you.
Oh, did you bring this lovely
I'm sorry he frightened you.
Oh, did you bring this lovely basket for the -- liz?
Oh, did you bring this lovely basket for the -- liz?
Oh, I heard she was sick.
Basket for the -- liz? Oh, I heard she was sick.
But I-I don't want to be any
oh, I heard she was sick.
But I-I don't want to be any bother.
But I-I don't want to be any bother.
Oh, no. No trouble at all.
Bother. Oh, no. No trouble at all.
Your name is katharine, yes?
Oh, no. No trouble at all.
Your name is katharine, yes? [Stammers]
Your name is katharine, yes?
[Stammers] How did you know that?
[Stammers] How did you know that?
She mentioned you.
How did you know that? She mentioned you.
She said we might expect you.
She mentioned you.
She said we might expect you. Come in.
I'll go put these in some water.
Wait here. [Door closes]
Katharine, queen of the daisies.
What a nice surprise.
Daisies. What a nice surprise.
My niece told me you were here.
What a nice surprise. My niece told me you were here.
Thank you for the lovely gift
my niece told me you were here.
Thank you for the lovely gift basket.
Thank you for the lovely gift basket.
It was very thoughtful of you.
Basket. It was very thoughtful of you.
I noticed you admiring my
it was very thoughtful of you.
I noticed you admiring my portrait.
I noticed you admiring my portrait.
It's quite a good likeness,
portrait.
It's quite a good likeness, isn't it?
It's quite a good likeness, isn't it?
It was painted in italy many
isn't it?
It was painted in italy many years ago.
It was painted in italy many years ago.
[Chuckles]
Years ago.
[Chuckles] It can't be so long ago.
[Chuckles] It can't be so long ago.
You're -- you're just as
it can't be so long ago.
You're -- you're just as beautiful now.
You're -- you're just as beautiful now.
You're too kind, my child.
Beautiful now. You're too kind,
my child. Why do you do this face
you're too kind, my child.
Why do you do this face painting, my dear?
Why do you do this face painting,
my dear? Is it to hide the acne you
painting, my dear?
Is it to hide the acne you suffer from?
Is it to hide the acne you suffer from?
Oh, my sweet girl.
Suffer from? Oh, my sweet girl.
There's nothing to be ashamed
oh, my sweet girl.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's very natural at your age,
of. It's very natural at your age,
when a girl transitions to
it's very natural at your age,
when a girl transitions to womanhood.
When a girl transitions to womanhood.
Why don't you let me give you a
womanhood.
Why don't you let me give you a little makeover, yes?
Why don't you let me give you a little makeover, yes?
I've just the thing to clear
little makeover, yes?
I've just the thing to clear that up.
I've just the thing to clear that up.
Really?
That up. Really?
Mm-hmm.
Really? Mm-hmm.
But you have to promise me it
mm-hmm.
But you have to promise me it will be just between us.
But you have to promise me it will be just between us.
I can't have every girl at your
will be just between us. I can't have every
girl at your school running over here for a
I can't have every girl at your school
running over here for a facial, now, can I?
School running over here for a facial, now,
can I? I-I won't tell anyone.
Facial, now, can I?
I-I won't tell anyone. I promise.
I-I won't tell anyone. I promise.
Not even your best friend?
I promise. Not even your best friend?
What's her name?
Not even your best friend?
What's her name? Leah?
What's her name? Leah?
Yes. Not even leah.
Leah? Yes. Not even leah.
Oh, but we can trust her.
Yes. Not even leah. Oh, but we can trust her.
It is so important to me that
oh, but we can trust her.
It is so important to me that this be our little secret.
It is so important to me that this be our little secret.
I-I-I-I promise.
This be our little secret.
I-I-I-I promise. Good.
I-I-I-I promise.
Good. Then hold still.
There, there. All better.
See? [Gasps]
See?
[Gasps] [Gasps]
Thank you for coming to check on me today.
Please don't be a stranger.
On me today. Please don't be a stranger.
You're welcome here anytime.
Please don't be a stranger.
You're welcome here anytime. Ilona will see you out.
Baffled police are searchig for leads
tonight in three missing-person cases.
For leads tonight in three missing-person cases.
Just days after the
missing-person cases.
Just days after the disappearance of our lady of
just days after the disappearance of
our lady of the weeping virgin student
disappearance of our lady of the weeping
virgin student nicole bento from a local
the weeping virgin student nicole bento
from a local lovers' lane spot, 19-year-old
nicole bento from a local lovers' lane spot,
19-year-old castidad hernandez was reported
lovers' lane spot, 19-year-old castidad hernandez
was reported missing yesterday by her
castidad hernandez was reported missing
yesterday by her employer after she did not show
missing yesterday by her employer after she
did not show up to clean the woman's house.
Employer after she did not show up to clean
the woman's house. And finally, longtime
up to clean the woman's house. And finally,
longtime san griento high school
and finally, longtime san griento high
school principal prudence loveheart is
san griento high school principal prudence
loveheart is also missing at this hour.
Principal prudence loveheart is also missing at this hour.
What?!
Also missing at this hour.
What?! City officials say that
what?!
City officials say that miss loveheart's disappearance
city officials say that miss loveheart's
disappearance may be the result of a citation
miss loveheart's disappearance may be the
result of a citation she received last month from
may be the result of a citation she received
last month from the health department after
she received last month from the health
department after neighbors complained that there
the health department after neighbors complained
that there were at least 30 cats living in
neighbors complained that there were
at least 30 cats living in her home.
Were at least 30 cats living in her home.
Authorities are investigating
her home.
Authorities are investigating but do not believe that the
authorities are investigating but do not believe
that the three missing-person cases are
but do not believe that the three
missing-person cases are related.
Three missing-person cases are related.
And now let's turn to
related.
And now let's turn to jimmy nimbus in our weather
and now let's turn to jimmy nimbus in our
weather center to see if jimmy has any
jimmy nimbus in our weather center to see
if jimmy has any sunshine lined up for us this
center to see if jimmy has any
sunshine lined up for us this weekend.
Sunshine lined up for us this weekend.
Thank you, cheryl.
Weekend. Thank you, cheryl.
Well, it has been unusually
thank you, cheryl.
Well, it has been unusually chilly for this time of year.
Well, it has been unusually chilly for this time of year.
Is it gonna warm back up?
Chilly for this time of year.
Is it gonna warm back up? Sit tight in your igloo, and
is it gonna warm back up?
Sit tight in your igloo, and we'll find out --
sit tight in your igloo,
and we'll find out -- maybe I should just get a job
we'll find out -- maybe I should just
get a job as a goddamn weather girl.
Maybe I should just get a job as
a goddamn weather girl. [Sighs]
As a goddamn weather girl.
[Sighs] [Keys clacking]
You again?
[Keys clacking]
No shit.
[Keys clacking] "Elizabeth,
a.K.A. Erzsbet, bthory, born 1560 into one of
"elizabeth, a.K.A. Erzsbet, bthory,
born 1560 into one of hungary's most powerful nobel
bthory, born 1560 into one of
hungary's most powerful nobel families.
Hungary's most powerful nobel families.
She is believed to be one of the
families.
She is believed to be one of the worst serial killers in
she is believed to be one of the
worst serial killers in history."
Worst serial killers in history."
[Keys clacking]
[Thunder rumbles] "If historical accounts are accurate,
she murdered more than
"if historical accounts are accurate, she murdered
more than 600 young women, believing that
accurate, she murdered more than 600 young women,
believing that if she bathed in the blood of
600 young women, believing that if she bathed
in the blood of virgins, she would stay young
if she bathed in the blood of virgins,
she would stay young and beautiful forever."
[Girls screaming]
[Choking]
[Girls screaming]
[Girls screaming]
[Shrieking] [Gasps] Jesus.
[Gasps] Jesus.
[Breathing heavily]
Jesus.
[Breathing heavily] "she adhered to strict rules of
[breathing heavily] "She adhered to
strict rules of witchcraft and demanded a
"she adhered to strict rules of witchcraft
and demanded a ceremonial sacrifice of five
witchcraft and demanded a ceremonial
sacrifice of five virgins at each equinox --
ceremonial sacrifice of five virgins at
each equinox -- alban eiler on or around
virgins at each equinox -- alban eiler on or
around march 21st and alban elved on or
alban eiler on or around march 21st and
alban elved on or around september 21st.
March 21st and alban elved on or around
september 21st. September 21st?
Shit. Katharine.
[Thunder rumbles]
[Thunder crashes]
Leah, what's going on?
It's almost 1:00 in the morning. I have to talk to you.
It's almost 1:00 in the morning.
I have to talk to you. [Sighs]
I have to talk to you.
[Sighs] Can it wait?
[Sighs] Can it wait?
Leah, if my grandparents wake
can it wait? Leah, if my grandparents wake up,
we're both in big trouble.
Leah, if my grandparents wake up,
we're both in big trouble. You know they already think
up, we're both in big trouble.
You know they already think you're kind of weird.
You know they already think you're kind of weird.
Believe me.
You're kind of weird.
Believe me. It's life or death.
Believe me. It's life or death.
[Sighs] All right.
It's life or death. [Sighs] All right.
[Thunder crashes]
Wow. Your skin looks great.
What did you do? Oh, uh, it's just a thing,
what did you do? Oh, uh, it's just a thing,
you know, from that -- that one
oh, uh, it's just a thing, you know,
from that -- that one infomercial.
You know, from that -- that one infomercial.
I'll tell you about it later.
Infomercial. I'll tell you about it later.
So, what's so important?
I'll tell you about it later.
So, what's so important? Here. Check it out.
So, what's so important? Here.
Check it out. What is this?
Here. Check it out.
What is this? Just read it.
What is this? Just read it.
I did some researching tonight
just read it. I did some researching
tonight on that creepy woman you think
i did some researching tonight on that
creepy woman you think is so cool.
On that creepy woman you think is so cool.
You did what?!
Is so cool. You did what?!
Shh, shh, shh!
You did what?! Shh, shh, shh!
Leah, why would you do that?
Shh, shh, shh! Leah, why would you do that?
Just read it first,
leah, why would you do that?
Just read it first, katharine.
Just read it first, katharine.
I promise it'll explain
katharine.
I promise it'll explain everything.
I don't understand any of this,
about some real-life vampire woman in the 1600s?
This, about some real-life vampire woman in the 1600s?
Yeah, I know, but look, their
vampire woman in the 1600s? Yeah, I know,
but look, their names are practically the same.
Yeah, I know, but look,
their names are practically the same. [Scoffs]
Names are practically the same.
[Scoffs] "Practically" being the key word
[scoffs] "Practically" being the key word here.
"Practically" being the key word here.
So what?
Here. So what?
So, don't you think it's a
so what?
So, don't you think it's a weird coincidence that this
so, don't you think it's a weird coincidence
that this countess used to slaughter
weird coincidence that this countess used to
slaughter teenage virgins and now there's
countess used to slaughter teenage virgins
and now there's a woman with practically the
teenage virgins and now there's a woman with
practically the same name teaching abstinence to
a woman with practically the same
name teaching abstinence to girls here?
Same name teaching abstinence to girls here?
I mean, even if they're not the
girls here? I mean,
even if they're not the same person -- just, like, a
i mean, even if they're not the same person -- just, like,
a distant ancestor or a copycat or
same person -- just, like,
a distant ancestor or a copycat or something --
distant ancestor or a copycat or
something -- what are you implying, leah?
Something -- what are you implying, leah?
It's late, so please just get to
what are you implying, leah? It's late,
so please just get to the point.
It's late, so please just get to the point.
I'm just saying, what if liz
the point. I'm just saying,
what if liz or whoever she is is cultivating
I'm just saying, what if liz or whoever she is
is cultivating her own crop of virgins here in
or whoever she is is cultivating her own crop
of virgins here in san griento for some kind of
her own crop of virgins here in san griento
for some kind of similar satanic sacrifice?
San griento for some kind of similar satanic sacrifice?
[Laughs]
Similar satanic sacrifice?
[Laughs] You akidding me, right?
[Laughs] You akidding me, right?
I mean, you've -- you've had
you akidding me, right? I mean,
you've -- you've had some paranoid conspiracy
I mean, you've -- you've had some paranoid
conspiracy theories before, but this --
some paranoid conspiracy theories before,
but this -- this is really a stretch.
Theories before,
but this -- this is really a stretch. No, kath.
This is really a stretch.
No, kath. I'm not kidding.
No, kath. I'm not kidding.
I'm really worried.
I'm not kidding. I'm really worried.
Ever since the first day she
I'm really worried.
Ever since the first day she came to school, I felt like
ever since the first day she came to school,
I felt like something was off.
Came to school, I felt like something was off.
And until I can prove this one
something was off.
And until I can prove this one way or another...
And until I can prove this one way or another...
I want you to stay far away from
way or another...
I want you to stay far away from her.
I want you to stay far away from her.
You know what i think, leah?
Her. You know what i think, leah?
I think it's pathetic how you
you know what i think, leah? I think it's pathetic
how you feel like you have to control me
I think it's pathetic how you feel like you
have to control me and to sit in judgment of
feel like you have to control me and
to sit in judgment of everyone else.
And to sit in judgment of everyone else.
[Scoffs]
Everyone else.
[Scoffs] No wonder no one likes you.
[Scoffs] No wonder no one likes you.
You know, I've tried to stick by
no wonder no one likes you. You know,
I've tried to stick by you all these years, but -- but
you know, I've tried to stick by you all these years,
but -- but now I see that I've been wasting
you all these years,
but -- but now I see that I've been wasting my time.
Now I see that I've been wasting my time.
Kath, what the hell.
My time. Kath, what the hell.
Tell me there's a "ba-dum ching"
kath, what the hell.
Tell me there's a "ba-dum ching" coming.
Tell me there's a "ba-dum ching" coming.
Good luck with your
coming.
Good luck with your front-page story.
Good luck with your front-page story.
It sounds like you've got it all
front-page story.
It sounds like you've got it all figured out.
It sounds like you've got it all figured out.
Hope they let you out of the
figured out.
Hope they let you out of the loony bin to collect your
hope they let you out of the
loony bin to collect your pulitzer.
I don't need a girl bye, chicas!
Put the drink down.
Bye, chicas! Put the drink down.
Seriously, you guys are just
put the drink down.
Seriously, you guys are just like khloe and lamar.
Seriously, you guys are just like khloe and lamar.
Why the fuck am I khloe?
Like khloe and lamar.
Why the fuck am I khloe? [Sighs]
Why the fuck am I khloe?
[Sighs] Kelly.
[Sighs] Kelly.
What?
Kelly. What?
Don't fuck up.
What? Don't fuck up.
I won't.
Don't fuck up. I won't.
He's just gonna help me clean up
I won't.
He's just gonna help me clean up and then he's outie.
He's just gonna help me clean up and then he's outie.
Kelly, for reals.
And then he's outie. Kelly, for reals.
V.A.G. -- Stay sucker free.
Kelly, for reals.
V.A.G. -- Stay sucker free. Totes.
V.A.G. -- Stay sucker free. Totes.
Have a little trust, bitches.
Totes. Have a little trust, bitches.
I want to lay you on your
have a little trust, bitches.
I want to lay you on your back with your legs spread
I want to lay you on your back with your
legs spread want to get you soaking wet
back with your legs spread want to
get you soaking wet soak the bedspread
want to get you soaking wet soak the
bedspread doesn't matter where you are
soak the bedspread doesn't matter
where you are I can act sweet
doesn't matter where you are I can
act sweet but when nobody's around, do
I can act sweet but when nobody's around,
do the backseat
but when nobody's around,
do the backseat oh, yeah, baby girl.
The backseat oh, yeah, baby girl.
You know I love you so much.
Oh, yeah, baby girl.
You know I love you so much. I know, travis.
You know I love you so much.
I know, travis. I love you, too.
I know, travis. I love you, too.
Boo, I want to get with you
I love you, too.
Boo, I want to get with you so bad, it hurts.
Boo, I want to get with you so bad,
it hurts. I know, baby. Here.
So bad, it hurts. I know, baby.
Here. [Zipper opens]
I know, baby. Here.
[Zipper opens] No.
[Zipper opens] No.
No.
No. No.
You know how I want to love you,
no.
You know how I want to love you, girl.
You know how I want to love you, girl.
The right way.
Girl. The right way.
I know, but I can't.
The right way. I know, but I can't.
Baby, I'm s-t-ruggling here.
I know, but I can't.
Baby, I'm s-t-ruggling here. Come on.
Baby, I'm s-t-ruggling here.
Come on. Ashley will kill me.
Come on.
Ashley will kill me. Come on.
Ashley will kill me. Come on.
How's she gonna know?
Come on. How's she gonna know?
You gonna keep it on the d.L.
How's she gonna know? You gonna keep
it on the d.L. What if they, like, look down
you gonna keep it on the d.L. What if they, like,
look down there and check to see if, like,
what if they, like, look down there and
check to see if, like, I'm really still there?
There and check to see if, like,
I'm really still there? That's abso-ludicrous.
I'm really still there? That's abso-ludicrous.
This is san griento, baby, not
that's abso-ludicrous.
This is san griento, baby, not san guantanamo.
This is san griento, baby, not san guantanamo.
You're doing permanent damage to
san guantanamo.
You're doing permanent damage to me here.
You're doing permanent damage to me here.
I don't know.
Me here. I don't know.
They said in v.A.G. That's not
I don't know.
They said in v.A.G. That's not really possible, but...
They said in v.A.G. That's not really possible, but... Oh!
Really possible, but... Oh!
Oh, god.
Oh! Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god!
Oh, god. Oh, god!
[Thunder rumbles]
I don't want to see you hello, leah.
I see you're reading a
hello, leah.
I see you're reading a fascinating story about one of
I see you're reading a fascinating
story about one of my countrywomen.
Fascinating story about one of my countrywomen.
It's a terrifying tale, isn't
my countrywomen.
It's a terrifying tale, isn't it?
It's a terrifying tale, isn't it?
Yeah, you could say that.
It? Yeah, you could say that.
It's a funny coincidence, the
yeah, you could say that. It's a funny coincidence,
the two of you both being in the
it's a funny coincidence,
the two of you both being in the virgin business.
Two of you both being in the virgin business.
Oh, yes.
Virgin business. Oh, yes.
Well, after so much pain was
oh, yes. Well, after so much pain
was caused in my homeland, v.A.G.
Well, after so much pain was caused in my homeland,
v.A.G. Was just my way of giving back
caused in my homeland, v.A.G. Was just
my way of giving back to the community.
Was just my way of giving back to the community.
Oh, what a lovely thought,
to the community. Oh, what a lovely thought,
especially with the high holiday
oh, what a lovely thought, especially with the
high holiday of alban elved nearly upon us.
Especially with the high holiday of alban elved
nearly upon us. You really should be careful,
of alban elved nearly upon us.
You really should be careful, my dear.
You really should be careful, my dear.
A girl who never wants to join
my dear.
A girl who never wants to join in with the group can find
a girl who never wants to join in with the
group can find herself on the outside of things
in with the group can find herself on
the outside of things very quickly.
Herself on the outside of things very quickly.
Thanks for the advice.
Very quickly. Thanks for the advice.
I'm not particularly concerned
thanks for the advice.
I'm not particularly concerned about that.
I'm not particularly concerned about that.
You may have all the stupid
about that.
You may have all the stupid birthers in this town fooled,
you may have all the stupid birthers in this town fooled,
but not me.
Birthers in this town fooled,
but not me. Really?
But not me. Really?
And how is your plan to expose
really? And how is your plan to
expose me working out for you so far?
Kath. Uh... Katharine,
can I -- can I talk
uh... Katharine,
can I -- can I talk to you for a second?
Katharine, can I -- can I talk to you for a second?
I'm a little busy right now.
To you for a second? I'm a little busy right now.
I'm really sorry if I upset
I'm a little busy right now.
I'm really sorry if I upset you.
I'm really sorry if I upset you.
Why don't you just come over to
you.
Why don't you just come over to my house tonight?
Why don't you just come over to my house tonight?
We'll have an old-school slumber
my house tonight? We'll have an old-school
slumber party, you know, watch colbert,
we'll have an old-school slumber party,
you know, watch colbert, make brownies?
Party, you know, watch colbert,
make brownies? I'm sorry, but I have plans
make brownies? I'm sorry,
but I have plans tonight.
I'm sorry, but I have plans tonight.
Katharine, please, I really
tonight. Katharine, please,
I really need to talk to you.
Katharine, please, I really need to talk to you.
Look, I don't really think
need to talk to you.
Look, I don't really think there's anything to talk about.
Look, I don't really think there's anything to talk about.
I just feel like we're changing
there's anything to talk about. I just feel like
we're changing and we're growing apart and,
I just feel like we're changing and we're
growing apart and, well, right now I need to be
and we're growing apart and, well,
right now I need to be around energy that's more
well, right now I need to be around energy
that's more positive and uplifting, like
around energy that's more positive and uplifting,
like v.A.G., and less negative and
positive and uplifting, like v.A.G.,
and less negative and pissy like you.
V.A.G., and less negative and pissy like you.
I'm sorry, but that's just how I
pissy like you. I'm sorry,
but that's just how I feel.
I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel.
And I would really appreciate if
feel. And I would really appreciate
if you would respect my need for
and I would really appreciate if you would
respect my need for space right now.
You would respect my need for space right now.
You can't go with them
space right now.
You can't go with them tonight.
You can't go with them tonight.
She said she doesn't want to
tonight. She said she doesn't want to talk to you,
you heathen whore!
She said she doesn't want to talk to you,
you heathen whore! What?!
Talk to you, you heathen whore!
What?! I'm not a whore, you bimbo!
What?! I'm not a whore,
you bimbo! Oh, no?
I'm not a whore, you bimbo! Oh, no?
Then why haven't you been coming
oh, no? Then why haven't you been
coming to v.A.G. To learn to respect
then why haven't you been coming to v.A.G. To
learn to respect your body as a temple of purity?
To v.A.G. To learn to respect your body as a
temple of purity? We can only assume that any girl
your body as a temple of purity? We can only
assume that any girl at this school who did not sign
we can only assume that any girl at this school
who did not sign the v.A.G. Pledge is a whore.
At this school who did not sign the v.A.G.
Pledge is a whore. It's not the kind of person the
the v.A.G. Pledge is a whore.
It's not the kind of person the rest of us want to be
it's not the kind of person the rest
of us want to be associated with.
Rest of us want to be associated with.
All right, listen to me!
Associated with. All right, listen to me!
Liz batho is not who she says
all right, listen to me! Liz batho is not who
she says she is, and everyone in v.A.G.
Liz batho is not who she says she is,
and everyone in v.A.G. Is in a lot of danger!
She is, and everyone in v.A.G. Is in a lot of danger!
[Laughter]
Is in a lot of danger!
[Laughter] Wow.
[Laughter] Wow.
Wow.
Wow. Wow.
Katharine was right.
Wow. Katharine was right.
Anything for your stupid blog.
Katharine was right. Anything for your stupid blog.
I'm sure your five readers would
anything for your stupid blog. I'm sure your five
readers would love to get the full scoop, but
I'm sure your five readers would love to get the
full scoop, but some of us have an actual life
love to get the full scoop,
but some of us have an actual life to lead.
Some of us have an actual life to lead.
Mm-hmm.
To lead. Mm-hmm.
Stop the snitchin'.
Mm-hmm. Stop the snitchin'.
[School bell rings]
That was really messed up.
Yeah. [Scoffs]
Yeah.
[Scoffs] I don't know what's going on
[scoffs] I don't know what's going on around here,
but it's pretty
I don't know what's going on around here,
but it's pretty creepy, more so than usual.
Around here, but it's pretty creepy,
more so than usual. It's like some sort of
creepy, more so than usual.
It's like some sort of super-bitch imperialist coup.
It's like some sort of super-bitch imperialist coup.
[Chuckles]
Super-bitch imperialist coup.
[Chuckles] What they said about you...
[Chuckles] What they said about you...
You know that's bullshit, right?
What they said about you... You know that's
bullshit, right? I think you're pretty much the
you know that's bullshit, right? I think you're
pretty much the coolest person in this school,
I think you're pretty much the coolest person
in this school, in this whole crappy, little
coolest person in this school, in this whole crappy,
little town, and the only one with the
in this whole crappy, little town,
and the only one with the balls to stand up to people
town, and the only one with the
balls to stand up to people here.
Balls to stand up to people here.
I, um...
Here. I, um...
I just want you to know that.
I, um... I just want you to know that.
[Chuckles]
I just want you to know that.
[Chuckles] A fat lot of good it's done me.
Thank you, paul. I really appreciate that.
And, uh, you know, you're not so
I really appreciate that. And, uh, you know,
you're not so bad yourself, comrade.
And, uh, you know,
you're not so bad yourself, comrade. Viva la revolucin.
Bad yourself, comrade.
Viva la revolucin. Occupy san griento!
Viva la revolucin. Occupy san griento!
We want to live under the
occupy san griento! We want to live
under the bright lights and tear it up
we want to live under the bright lights
and tear it up we could lose it a like a
bright lights and tear it up
we could lose it a like a limb
we could lose it a like a limb could you give it up?
Limb could you give it up?
And all our hands are
could you give it up?
And all our hands are muskets
and all our hands are muskets
pick you up tonight for liz's
muskets pick you up tonight for liz's purity jam?
Pick you up tonight for liz's purity jam?
Hell to the yeah.
Purity jam? Hell to the yeah.
That gonna be cray, yo.
Hell to the yeah.
That gonna be cray, yo. Right?
That gonna be cray, yo. Right?
We're summertime in the
right?
We're summertime in the fall
And so, katharine and the hilt-- the other
girls are basically being lined up for a
hilt-- the other girls are basically being
lined up for a death panel if we don't do
basically being lined up for a death
panel if we don't do something.
Death panel if we don't do something.
This is journalism.
Something. This is journalism.
Creative writing is
this is journalism. Creative writing is mrs.
Bradshaw down the hall.
Creative writing is mrs. Bradshaw down the hall.
Mr. Rowland, please, this is
mrs. Bradshaw down the hall. Mr.
Rowland, please, this is very serious.
Mr. Rowland, please, this is very serious.
Leah, you've caused enough
very serious. Leah, you've caused
enough trouble for this paper to last
leah, you've caused enough trouble
for this paper to last me a lifetime.
Trouble for this paper to last me a lifetime.
But I --
me a lifetime.
But I -- now, what I want you to do is
but I -- now, what I want you to
do is to get out of here and write
now, what I want you to do is to get out of
here and write something that I can actually
to get out of here and write
something that I can actually print.
Something that I can actually print.
This is something!
Print. This is something!
Now get out of here, or I'm
this is something! Now get out of here,
or I'm gonna cut you from the staff.
Now get out of here,
or I'm gonna cut you from the staff. Mr. Rowland --
gonna cut you from the staff.
Mr. Rowland -- out!
Mr. Rowland -- out!
I think that's suspicious
out!
I think that's suspicious enough to warrant an
I think that's suspicious enough
to warrant an investigation.
Enough to warrant an investigation.
I mean, don't you?
Investigation. I mean, don't you?
Benny, I think this one's a
I mean, don't you?
Benny, I think this one's a little, uh...
Benny, I think this one's a little,
uh... You know what I'm saying?
Little, uh...
You know what I'm saying? Nah, louie.
You know what I'm saying?
Nah, louie. She ain't crazy.
Nah, louie. She ain't crazy.
This is the gal that wrote that
she ain't crazy. This is the gal that wrote that cute,
little piece for the
this is the gal that wrote that cute,
little piece for the high-school paper last year that
cute, little piece for the high-school
paper last year that called us racists.
High-school paper last year that called us racists.
Oh, yeah!
Called us racists.
Oh, yeah! "D.W.L."
Oh, yeah!
"D.W.L." Driving while latino.
"D.W.L." Driving while latino.
What?
Driving while latino. What?
Are you here to make us look
what? Are you here to make us look
like a couple of doofuses again?
Are you here to make us look like a couple of
doofuses again? Well, it ain't gonna happen.
Like a couple of doofuses again?
Well, it ain't gonna happen. Sir, I did my best to make
well, it ain't gonna happen.
Sir, I did my best to make that piece fair and balanced.
Sir, I did my best to make that piece fair and balanced.
Sorry, missy.
That piece fair and balanced.
Sorry, missy. We ain't falling for it this
sorry, missy.
We ain't falling for it this time.
We ain't falling for it this time.
Benny, louie, please, this is
time. Benny, louie, please,
this is an opportunity to assist your
benny, louie, please,
this is an opportunity to assist your fellow citizen!
An opportunity to assist your fellow citizen!
Wait -- come on!
Fellow citizen! Wait -- come on!
You're letting the terrorists
wait -- come on!
You're letting the terrorists win!
You're letting the terrorists win!
Hello?
Win! Hello?
Hi, mom?
Hello? Hi, mom?
[Sighs]
Hi, mom?
[Sighs] Didn't you get my messages?
[Sighs] Didn't you get my messages?
Why didn't you call me back?
Didn't you get my messages?
Why didn't you call me back? Honey, I'm at work.
Why didn't you call me back?
Honey, I'm at work. I'm holding down two jobs,
honey, I'm at work. I'm holding down two
jobs, remember, to make sure you get
I'm holding down two jobs, remember,
to make sure you get to go to college next year while
remember, to make sure you get to go to college
next year while you run around causing nothing
to go to college next year while you run around
causing nothing but problems for us in this
you run around causing nothing
but problems for us in this town?
But problems for us in this town?
Mom, I'm sorry, but this
town? Mom, I'm sorry,
but this situation is very real and it's
mom, I'm sorry, but this situation is very
real and it's very bad, and I need your help.
Situation is very real and it's very bad,
and I need your help. Leah, I have to get back on
very bad, and I need your help.
Leah, I have to get back on the floor.
Leah, I have to get back on the floor.
We'll talk about this when I get
the floor.
We'll talk about this when I get home.
We'll talk about this when I get home.
Mom, no, wait --
home. Mom, no,
wait -- shit!
Mom, no, wait -- shit!
Oh! What now?
Shit! Oh! What now?
Heads up, comrade.
Oh! What now?
Heads up, comrade. [Dialing]
Heads up, comrade.
[Dialing] you start a panic
[Dialing] you start a panic [Cellphone rings]
You start a panic [Cellphone rings] the machines,
they keep us in
[cellphone rings] the machines,
they keep us in time
the machines,
they keep us in time and don't forget
Time and don't forget hello?
And don't forget hello?
Hi, paul?
Hello? Hi, paul?
That's my name.
Hi, paul? That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Hey, uh, this is leah.
Don't wear it out. Hey, uh, this is leah.
You know, locker above yours,
hey, uh, this is leah. You know,
locker above yours, simone de beauvoir, heathen
you know, locker above yours,
simone de beauvoir, heathen whore.
Simone de beauvoir,
heathen whore. Hey. Yeah.
Whore. Hey. Yeah.
Hey, what's, uh...
Hey. Yeah. Hey, what's,
uh... What's going on?
Hey, what's, uh... What's going on?
What are you doing right now?
What's going on? What are you doing right now?
Um, you know, I'm just
what are you doing right now?
Um, you know, I'm just chilling in my crib.
Um, you know,
I'm just chilling in my crib. Oh, great.
Chilling in my crib. Oh, great.
Remember how I said we should
oh, great. Remember how I said we
should discuss radical politics and
remember how I said we should discuss
radical politics and philosophy sometime?
Discuss radical politics and philosophy sometime?
Yeah, absolutely.
Philosophy sometime?
Yeah, absolutely. Well...
Yeah, absolutely.
Well... What about tonight?
Well... What about tonight?
Tonight? Um... Yeah.
What about tonight? Tonight?
Um... Yeah. Okay, cool.
Tonight? Um... Yeah. Okay, cool.
Yeah, tonight's -- tonight's
okay, cool.
Yeah, tonight's -- tonight's good.
Yeah, tonight's -- tonight's good.
Um... Where -- where -- where do
good.
Um... Where -- where -- where do you want to meet?
Um... Where -- where -- where do you want to meet?
Are your parents home?
You want to meet? Are your parents home?
No, I'm at my dad's place,
are your parents home? No, I'm at my dad's place,
and he's working the night
no, I'm at my dad's place,
and he's working the night shift.
And he's working the night shift.
Perfect.
Shift. Perfect.
I'll be right over.
Perfect. I'll be right over.
You're coming over here?
I'll be right over.
You're coming over here? Like, now?
You're coming over here? Like, now?
Paul, I'm not coming by to be
like, now? Paul, I'm not coming by to
be impressed by your housekeeping
paul, I'm not coming by to be
impressed by your housekeeping skills.
Impressed by your housekeeping skills.
Just be ready to let me in in 10
skills.
Just be ready to let me in in 10 minutes.
[Doorbell rings]
Hi.
[Clears throat] [Sighs]
[Clears throat] [Sighs] Come on in.
[Sighs] Come on in.
Uh, I got all my books out.
Come on in. Uh, I got all my books out.
My collection's pretty
uh, I got all my books out.
My collection's pretty extensive, if a little heavy on
my collection's pretty extensive,
if a little heavy on the camus.
Extensive, if a little heavy on the camus.
Presidential reading list and
the camus.
Presidential reading list and all.
Presidential reading list and all.
Paul, are we alone?
All. Paul, are we alone?
Uh, yeah?
Paul, are we alone? Uh, yeah?
I want to discuss de beauvoir
uh, yeah?
I want to discuss de beauvoir now.
I want to discuss de beauvoir now.
Okay.
Now. Okay.
Paul, do you believe that
okay.
Paul, do you believe that one's life has value so long as
paul, do you believe that one's life has value
so long as one attributes value to the love
one's life has value so long as one
attributes value to the love of others?
One attributes value to the love of others?
Uh, yeah.
Of others? Uh, yeah.
Good, good. That's very good.
Uh, yeah. Good, good. That's very good.
Do you believe that women can
good, good. That's very good. Do you believe
that women can free themselves, both through
do you believe that women can free themselves,
both through individual action as well as...
Free themselves, both through individual
action as well as... Collective decisions?
Individual action as well as...
Collective decisions? Yeah. Yes. Absolutely.
Collective decisions? Yeah. Yes.
Absolutely. Do you believe that one is
yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Do you believe
that one is not born but rather becomes a
do you believe that one is not born
but rather becomes a woman?
Not born but rather becomes a woman?
Well, yes, but don't forget
woman? Well, yes,
but don't forget that de beauvoir said that even
well, yes, but don't forget that de beauvoir said
that even the most sympathetic of men can
that de beauvoir said that even the most sympathetic
of men can never fully comprehend a woman's
the most sympathetic of men can never
fully comprehend a woman's situation.
Never fully comprehend a woman's situation.
Shh, shh.
Situation. Shh, shh.
Paul, we'll get to that.
Shh, shh. Paul, we'll get to that.
Right now, I need you to do me a
paul, we'll get to that. Right now,
I need you to do me a favor.
Right now,
I need you to do me a favor. Yes.
Favor. Yes.
I need you to help me become
yes.
I need you to help me become a woman.
I need you to help me become a woman.
Right now.
[Thunder rumbles]
There you are.
Has everything been prepared as i asked?
Has everything been prepared as i asked?
Yes, countess.
I asked?
Yes, countess. Good.
Yes, countess. Good.
Then where is that fool?
Good. Then where is that fool?
You ridiculous man, nobody's
then where is that fool? You ridiculous man,
nobody's going to hurt you...
You ridiculous man, nobody's going to hurt you...
If you follow my instructions.
Going to hurt you... If you follow my instructions.
Remember, when the girls arrive,
if you follow my instructions. Remember, when
the girls arrive, we are not to be disturbed for
remember, when the girls arrive,
we are not to be disturbed for any reason.
We are not to be disturbed for any reason.
If someone tries to enter the
any reason. If someone tries to enter the property,
you are to stop them
if someone tries to enter the property,
you are to stop them by any means necessary.
Property, you are to stop them by any means necessary.
Do you understand?
By any means necessary. Do you understand?
Go away and do as you're told.
Do you understand? Go away and do as you're told.
Now, ilona, let us make
go away and do as you're told. Now, ilona,
let us make ourselves ready for the arrival
now, ilona, let us make ourselves ready
for the arrival of our guests of honor.
Ourselves ready for the arrival of our guests of honor.
Aww.
Of our guests of honor.
Aww. Why that sullen face?
Aww. Why that sullen face?
Tonight my glory will be
why that sullen face?
Tonight my glory will be restored and we will soon be
tonight my glory will be restored and
we will soon be able to go home.
Restored and we will soon be able to go home.
[Sighs]
Able to go home.
[Sighs] And if I do everything you ask,
[sighs] And if I do everything you ask,
you will release me so that I
and if I do everything you ask,
you will release me so that I may return to my family?
You will release me so that I may return to my family?
If you do everything I ask
may return to my family?
If you do everything I ask correctly, perhaps.
If you do everything I ask correctly, perhaps.
But you promised!
Correctly, perhaps.
But you promised! [Gasps]
The dark lord must be appeased with
our unholy sacrifice tonight, or it will
appeased with our unholy sacrifice tonight,
or it will all be over for you and your
sacrifice tonight,
or it will all be over for you and your precious family.
All be over for you and your precious family.
I will see to that personally.
Now go and make ready before I
change my mind completely. [Sighs]
Change my mind completely.
[Sighs] Yes, mistress.
Hold my breath till the silence falls bleed to death
till the silence falls bleed to death [Gasps]
Bleed to death [Gasps] I don't feel a thing
[gasps] I don't feel a thing
is there anyone out there
I don't feel a thing is there anyone
out there that loves me as I am?
Is there anyone out there that loves me as I am?
Wait. Where are you going?
That loves me as I am? Wait.
Where are you going? Are you leaving?
Wait. Where are you going?
Are you leaving? I'm sorry, paul.
Are you leaving?
I'm sorry, paul. I have to go.
I'm sorry, paul. I have to go.
But we didn't even get to
I have to go.
But we didn't even get to second-wave feminism.
But we didn't even get to second-wave feminism.
I know.
Second-wave feminism.
I know. Um, I can't tonight.
I know. Um, I can't tonight.
I have to go right now.
Um, I can't tonight. I have to go right now.
Okay, uh, something's up.
I have to go right now. Okay, uh,
something's up. Is it, uh, something that I did
okay, uh, something's up. Is it, uh,
something that I did or -- or didn't do when we, you
is it, uh, something that I did or -- or didn't do when we,
you know?
Or -- or didn't do when we,
you know? Oh, no.
Know? Oh, no.
No, you were great, actually.
Oh, no. No, you were great, actually.
Really? Cool.
No, you were great, actually. Really?
Cool. Yeah, I just don't have time
really? Cool. Yeah, I just don't have time to,
you know, bask in the
yeah, I just don't have time to, you know,
bask in the afterglow right now, is all.
To, you know, bask in the afterglow right now,
is all. I'm gonna be totally honest
afterglow right now, is all.
I'm gonna be totally honest here.
I'm gonna be totally honest here.
Um... That was my first time.
Here. Um... That was my first time.
And I'm -- I'm pretty sure that
um... That was my first time. And I'm -- I'm
pretty sure that that was your first time, too,
and I'm -- I'm pretty sure that that was your
first time, too, which is totally cool because it
that was your first time, too,
which is totally cool because it was really special.
Which is totally cool because it was really special.
I don't mean, like, retarded.
Was really special.
I don't mean, like, retarded. I mean --
I don't mean, like, retarded.
I mean -- no, it was special and
I mean -- no, it was special and
magical and all that for me,
no, it was special and magical and all that for me, too.
Magical and all that for me, too.
Please, paul, I'll call you
too. Please, paul,
I'll call you tomorrow.
Please, paul, I'll call you tomorrow.
I just have a situation that
tomorrow. I just have a situation
that demands my full attention at the
I just have a situation that demands
my full attention at the moment, so --
demands my full attention at the moment,
so -- whatever's going on, you
moment, so -- whatever's going on,
you clearly need someone to trust.
Whatever's going on, you clearly need someone to trust.
And I-I hope you know that I'm
clearly need someone to trust.
And I-I hope you know that I'm that guy.
And I-I hope you know that I'm that guy.
[Sighs] Thank you, but I...
That guy. [Sighs] Thank you, but I...
I think I have to handle this
[sighs] Thank you, but I...
I think I have to handle this alone.
I think I have to handle this alone.
No, you don't.
Alone. No, you don't.
Look, I'm totally down with this
no, you don't. Look, I'm totally down
with this strong-woman thing, but no
look, I'm totally down with this strong-woman thing,
but no person can handle everything on
strong-woman thing,
but no person can handle everything on her own.
Person can handle everything on her own.
Not hillary, not buffy, not even
her own. Not hillary, not buffy,
not even you, so please just...
Not hillary, not buffy, not even you,
so please just... Talk to me.
You, so please just...
Talk to me. [Sighs]
Talk to me.
[Sighs] You're gonna think I'm crazy.
[Sighs] You're gonna think I'm crazy.
[Chuckles]
You're gonna think I'm crazy.
[Chuckles] Everyone thinks I'm crazy.
[Chuckles] Everyone thinks I'm crazy.
I already think that you're
everyone thinks I'm crazy.
I already think that you're crazy, but I also think that
I already think that you're crazy,
but I also think that you're...
Crazy, but I also think that you're... Amazing.
You're... Amazing.
At least I can listen, and maybe
amazing. At least I can listen,
and maybe I can even help.
At least I can listen,
and maybe I can even help. Okay.
I can even help. Okay.
But get dressed.
Okay. But get dressed.
I need you to drive me
but get dressed. I need you to drive me somewhere,
and we don't have
I need you to drive me somewhere,
and we don't have much time.
Somewhere, and we don't have much time.
[Thunder rumbles]
So, what's the plan to bring down
the mary kay lady from hell?
Down the mary kay lady from hell?
Priority number one is just
hell? Priority number one is just
to get katharine the hell out of
priority number one is just to get
katharine the hell out of there.
To get katharine the hell out of there.
And if bad shit's going down,
there. And if bad shit's going down,
you should probably call 911,
and if bad shit's going down, you should
probably call 911, 'cause I'm sure they've got my
you should probably call 911, 'cause I'm sure
they've got my number on some list of people to
'cause I'm sure they've got my number
on some list of people to let die.
Number on some list of people to let die.
Yeah, but what's the plan
let die.
Yeah, but what's the plan more specifically, like, if
yeah, but what's the plan more specifically, like,
if she's this evil countess with
more specifically, like, if she's this evil countess
with superpowers and we alone have to
she's this evil countess with superpowers
and we alone have to stop her?
Superpowers and we alone have to stop her?
Just, you know...
Stop her? Just, you know...
Don't retreat, reload.
Just, you know...
Don't retreat, reload. Reload what?
Don't retreat, reload. Reload what?
Our courage and these two
reload what? Our courage and these
two steak knives I took from your
our courage and these two steak
knives I took from your kitchen.
Steak knives I took from your kitchen.
[Laughing] You don't have a
kitchen.
[Laughing] You don't have a plan, do you?
[Laughing] You don't have a plan,
do you? All right, I don't have notes
plan, do you? All right,
I don't have notes written on the back of my hand
all right, I don't have notes written on the
back of my hand for this one, but listen, she's
written on the back of my hand for this one,
but listen, she's got to get blood from all five
for this one, but listen, she's got to get blood
from all five virgins on alban elved, or the
got to get blood from all five virgins on alban elved,
or the gig is up, right?
Virgins on alban elved, or the gig is up, right?
So I figure between the two of
gig is up, right? So I figure between the two of us,
we can either sneak
so I figure between the two of us,
we can either sneak katharine out of there by
us, we can either sneak katharine out of
there by midnight or overpower one blood
katharine out of there by midnight or overpower
one blood countess while we take her by
midnight or overpower one blood
countess while we take her by force.
Countess while we take her by force.
No, no, you're right.
Force. No, no, you're right.
We'll improvise.
No, no, you're right.
We'll improvise. Let's do this thing!
We'll improvise. Let's do this thing!
Paul, are you sure you want
let's do this thing!
Paul, are you sure you want to do this with me?
Paul, are you sure you want to do this with me?
Because...
To do this with me?
Because... If I'm wrong and we get caught,
because... If I'm wrong and we get caught,
I could just be getting you into
if I'm wrong and we get caught,
I could just be getting you into a lot of trouble.
I could just be getting you into a lot of trouble.
Leah, it's trespassing, not
a lot of trouble. Leah, it's trespassing,
not grand theft auto.
Leah, it's trespassing, not grand theft auto.
And I'm a minor with no prior
grand theft auto. And I'm a minor with
no prior record who's the president of
and I'm a minor with no prior record who's
the president of the young philosophers club.
Record who's the president of the young
philosophers club. I don't think I'll get in that
the young philosophers club.
I don't think I'll get in that much trouble.
I don't think I'll get in that much trouble.
Maybe not, but you'll be a
much trouble. Maybe not,
but you'll be a pariah at school for the rest of
maybe not,
but you'll be a pariah at school for the rest of the year.
Pariah at school for the rest of the year.
Did I mention the young
the year.
Did I mention the young philosophers club?
Did I mention the young philosophers club?
[Chuckles]
Philosophers club?
[Chuckles] Yeah.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
We make "glee" look like the
yeah.
We make "glee" look like the homecoming court.
We make "glee" look like the homecoming court.
And besides...
Homecoming court. And besides...
I don't think you're wrong.
And besides... I don't think you're wrong.
Well, it could be very
I don't think you're wrong.
Well, it could be very dangerous.
Well, it could be very dangerous.
Well, then I can't let you go
dangerous.
Well, then I can't let you go alone.
Well, then I can't let you go alone.
Fine.
Alone. Fine.
But we stay together unless
fine. But we stay together unless absolutely necessary,
got it?
But we stay together unless absolutely necessary,
got it? Got it.
Damn. This is fully v.I.P., bitches.
We're like the girls next
bitches.
We're like the girls next door partying at the mansion,
we're like the girls next door
partying at the mansion, yo!
Door partying at the mansion, yo!
And now, my dears, I have one
yo! And now, my dears,
I have one more surprise for you before I
and now, my dears, I have one more surprise
for you before I give you your special gifts.
More surprise for you before I give you your
special gifts. Your mothers are here to join us
give you your special gifts.
Your mothers are here to join us for our celebration.
Your mothers are here to join us for our celebration.
I've been giving them little spa
for our celebration. I've been giving them
little spa treatments this past week, and I
I've been giving them little spa treatments
this past week, and I think you will be quite
treatments this past week,
and I think you will be quite surprised at their
think you will be quite surprised at their transformation.
Surprised at their transformation.
Britney, I'm so sorry your
transformation. Britney, I'm so sorry
your mother couldn't be here to join
britney, I'm so sorry your mother
couldn't be here to join us.
Mother couldn't be here to join us.
Still on her alco-holiday?
Us. Still on her alco-holiday?
It's so chaotic.
Still on her alco-holiday? It's so chaotic.
Can you handle my truth?
It's so chaotic.
Can you handle my truth? Ladies?
Whoa. Mommy?
Hello, darling.
Mommy? Hello, darling.
Shit, mom.
Hello, darling. Shit, mom.
You look... Amaze-balls.
Shit, mom.
You look... Amaze-balls. Yes, dear.
You look... Amaze-balls. Yes, dear.
Tonight is only the beginning.
Yes, dear. Tonight is only the beginning.
[Thunder rumbles]
[Gate creaks]
Okay.
She's in there with the bachmanns and the
she's in there with the bachmanns
and the "bad girls club," but I don't
bachmanns and the "bad girls club,"
but I don't see katharine.
"Bad girls club," but I don't see katharine.
You keep an eye on them.
See katharine. You keep an eye on them.
I'm gonna go around to the back
you keep an eye on them. I'm gonna go
around to the back door and see if it's open.
I'm gonna go around to the back
door and see if it's open. Wait.
Door and see if it's open. Wait.
You said we weren't gonna split
wait.
You said we weren't gonna split up.
You said we weren't gonna split up.
I know, but you can see
up. I know,
but you can see everyone from here.
I know, but you can see everyone from here.
I'll text you if I find a way
everyone from here.
I'll text you if I find a way in.
I'll text you if I find a way in.
Okay. Be careful.
In. Okay.
Be careful. You, too.
Hello, girlie. No. No.
[Muffled screaming]
Holy shit!
Oh, my god! [Gasps]
Oh, my god!
[Gasps] Look at this one.
[Gasps] Look at this one.
Look at this one.
Look at this one. Look at this one.
Oh, my god. Okay.
Look at this one. Oh, my god.
Okay. Ashley, check it. Check it.
Oh, my god. Okay. Ashley, check it.
Check it. [Indistinct conversation]
[Metal scraping]
[Clatter] [Muffled] No!
No! No! Leah!
Leah, where are you?
[Muffled] Paul, look out! Paul!
[Muffled] Paul, look out!
Paul! [Muffled shouting]
[Thudding]
[Sniffing]
[Screams]
Hi.
I remember you from the other day.
I remember you from the other day.
Can you -- can you please talk
day.
Can you -- can you please talk to me?
Can you -- can you please talk to me?
What's going on?
To me? What's going on?
Please?
What's going on? Please?
You'll find out soon enough,
please? You'll find out soon enough,
and you'll wish you hadn't
you'll find out soon enough,
and you'll wish you hadn't asked.
And you'll wish you hadn't asked.
It's more horrible than anything
asked.
It's more horrible than anything you've ever imagined.
It's more horrible than anything you've ever imagined.
Liz is going to be very
you've ever imagined.
Liz is going to be very displeased when she sees me tied
liz is going to be very displeased
when she sees me tied up like this.
Displeased when she sees me tied up like this.
I'm a guest of honor here.
Up like this. I'm a guest of honor here.
You're not a guest.
I'm a guest of honor here.
You're not a guest. You're a prisoner.
You're not a guest.
You're a prisoner. Just like I am.
You're a prisoner. Just like I am.
Just like what everyone who
just like I am.
Just like what everyone who enters this house becomes.
Just like what everyone who enters this house becomes.
[Voice breaking] No!
Enters this house becomes.
[Voice breaking] No! She loves me!
[Voice breaking] No!
She loves me! She told me so!
She loves me! She told me so!
Don't you see?
She told me so! Don't you see?
She doesn't love anyone but
don't you see?
She doesn't love anyone but herself.
She doesn't love anyone but herself.
[Thunder rumbles]
Herself.
[Thunder rumbles] I'm sorry.
[Thunder rumbles] I'm sorry.
I cannot help you.
I'm sorry. I cannot help you.
No, no, no! Please don't go!
I cannot help you. No, no, no!
Please don't go! Please, please don't!
No, no, no! Please don't go!
Please, please don't! Talk to me! Please!
Please, please don't!
Talk to me! Please! No.
Talk to me! Please! No.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
No. Ew, ew, ew, ew,
ew. [Groans]
Yes.
[Door rattling]
[Muffled] God damn!
Get your fucking hands off me.
Ohh!
Ohh!
[Groans] [Grunts]
[Groans] [Grunts] Nice job there.
[Grunts] Nice job there.
But you got to stop using sex as
nice job there.
But you got to stop using sex as a weapon.
But you got to stop using sex as a weapon.
I know.
A weapon. I know.
We still got to find katharine.
I know. We still got to find katharine.
We're running out of time.
We still got to find katharine. We're running out of time.
What happened to your shoe?
We're running out of time.
What happened to your shoe? Don't ask.
What happened to your shoe?
Don't ask. This is all legit, right?
Don't ask. This is all legit, right?
'Cause I want to keep both.
This is all legit, right? 'Cause I want to keep both.
I mean, I'm the leader and done
'cause I want to keep both. I mean,
I'm the leader and done most of the work keeping these
I mean, I'm the leader and done most of the
work keeping these other bitches in line.
Most of the work keeping these other bitches in line.
Now, ashley, my dear, one
other bitches in line. Now, ashley,
my dear, one mustn't be too greedy.
Now, ashley, my dear, one mustn't be too greedy.
Why don't you go try those on in
mustn't be too greedy. Why don't you go try
those on in the bathroom where the light is
why don't you go try those on in the
bathroom where the light is better?
The bathroom where the light is better?
Jillian, go help her, will you?
Better? Jillian, go help her,
will you? Fine.
Jillian, go help her, will you?
Fine. Come on, mom. Let's go.
Fine. Come on, mom.
Let's go. Mm-hmm.
Come on, mom. Let's go. Mm-hmm.
Don't try to cop in my swag.
Mm-hmm. Don't try to cop in my swag.
Right? [Chuckles]
Don't try to cop in my swag. Right?
[Chuckles] Oh, an elegant choice.
Right? [Chuckles] Oh, an elegant choice.
But let me give you just one
oh, an elegant choice. But let me give you
just one more to try before you make your
but let me give you just one more to
try before you make your final decision.
More to try before you make your final decision.
Oh, I don't know.
Final decision. Oh, I don't know.
I think this one might be a
oh, I don't know.
I think this one might be a little too "headbangers ball"
I think this one might be a little
too "headbangers ball" for me.
Little too "headbangers ball" for me.
Hmm. Funny.
For me. Hmm. Funny.
I've dreamed about you wearing
hmm. Funny. I've dreamed about you
wearing this one since the day we met.
I've dreamed about you wearing this
one since the day we met. [Choking]
[Both screaming] Check it, chicas.
This shit is luxury, okay?
Check it, chicas. This shit is luxury, okay?
Um, what's going on?
This shit is luxury, okay? Um, what's going on?
Did that dumb bitch pass out on
um, what's going on? Did that dumb bitch
pass out on one glass of champagne again?
[Thunder rumbles]
Paul, over here.
Here goes nothing.
I want to see liz!
I need to talk to -- mom, how could you do this to
I need to talk to -- mom, how could you do this to me?
Mom, how could you do this to me?
This is so fucking ghetto!
Me? This is so fucking ghetto!
Sorry, dear, but this is the
this is so fucking ghetto!
Sorry, dear, but this is the only way.
Sorry, dear, but this is the only way.
Look at how young and beautiful
only way.
Look at how young and beautiful I am.
Look at how young and beautiful I am.
No man will ever leave me again.
I am. No man will ever leave me again.
We need your virgin blood.
No man will ever leave me again. We need your
virgin blood. So that's why you had me lead
we need your virgin blood.
So that's why you had me lead that stupid club?
So that's why you had me lead that stupid club?
I'm gonna die a virgin because
that stupid club? I'm gonna die a virgin
because of your bullshit midlife crisis!
I'm gonna die a virgin because of your
bullshit midlife crisis! God, I'm so over this!
Of your bullshit midlife crisis!
God, I'm so over this! Wait.
God, I'm so over this!
Wait. I didn't wait.
Wait. I didn't wait.
I'm not a virgin.
I didn't wait. I'm not a virgin.
Mom, ash, I'm not a virgin!
I'm not a virgin. Mom, ash, I'm not a virgin!
I hooked up with travis last
mom, ash, I'm not a virgin!
I hooked up with travis last night!
I hooked up with travis last night!
Shut up, you liar.
Night! Shut up,
you liar. I'm not lying!
Shut up, you liar. I'm not lying!
I totally fucked up like you
I'm not lying! I totally fucked up like you said I would,
and travis said no
I totally fucked up like you said I would,
and travis said no one would know the difference.
Said I would, and travis said no one would know
the difference. We both had full-on triple-x
one would know the difference.
We both had full-on triple-x sex!
We both had full-on triple-x sex!
[Chuckles]
Sex!
[Chuckles] I didn't authorize that!
[Chuckles] I didn't authorize that!
Ash, I am not saying it's
I didn't authorize that!
Ash, I am not saying it's wrong to be pissed off, but
ash, I am not saying it's wrong to be pissed off,
but maybe right now we should try
wrong to be pissed off, but maybe right now
we should try and bond together and find a way
maybe right now we should try and bond
together and find a way out of here.
And bond together and find a way out of here.
Shut up, noemi.
Out of here. Shut up, noemi.
Got enough of that mariachi
shut up, noemi.
Got enough of that mariachi kumbaya shit to last me a
got enough of that mariachi kumbaya shit
to last me a lifetime at your cheesy-ass
kumbaya shit to last me a lifetime
at your cheesy-ass quinceaera.
Lifetime at your cheesy-ass quinceaera.
Excuse me?
Quinceaera. Excuse me?
You heard me, you stupid
excuse me? You heard me,
you stupid beaner!
You heard me, you stupid beaner!
Um, some of us were actually
beaner! Um, some of us were
actually born in this country and don't
um, some of us were actually born in this country
and don't have a "made in china" stamped
born in this country and don't have a
"made in china" stamped on our ass!
Have a "made in china" stamped on our ass!
I'm korean!
On our ass! I'm korean!
[Korean accent] Oh, so
I'm korean!
[Korean accent] Oh, so sorry!
[Korean accent] Oh,
so sorry! All look same!
Sorry! All look same!
Well, at least no one's ever
all look same! Well, at least no one's
ever asked me for my papers in this
well, at least no one's ever asked
me for my papers in this town!
Asked me for my papers in this town!
I'd rather be mistaken for a
town!
I'd rather be mistaken for a tourist than someone driving
I'd rather be mistaken for a tourist than
someone driving across the border to clean
tourist than someone driving
across the border to clean toilets!
Across the border to clean toilets!
[Normal voice] I am gonna
toilets! [Normal voice] I am gonna cut you,
you fucking alien!
[Normal voice] I am gonna cut you,
you fucking alien! Silence!
Cut you, you fucking alien!
Silence! [Gasps]
Silence!
[Gasps] [Choking]
[Gasps] [Choking] [Gasping]
[Choking] [Gasping] Let's find out the truth with
[gasping] Let's find out the truth with this one.
Let's find out the truth with this one.
[Sizzling]
This one.
[Sizzling] You stupid little harlot!
[Sizzling] You stupid little harlot!
No matter.
You stupid little harlot! No matter.
Ilona, bring me that one.
No matter.
Ilona, bring me that one. No!
Ilona, bring me that one.
No! You said you loved me!
No! You said you loved me!
It's time to complete the
you said you loved me!
It's time to complete the sacrifice.
It's time to complete the sacrifice.
I can't believe you didn't
sacrifice.
I can't believe you didn't follow the pact, skeetch.
I can't believe you didn't follow the pact, skeetch.
You are so dead!
Follow the pact, skeetch.
You are so dead! [Choking]
[Thunder crashes]
[Coughs]
[Sniffs]
[Trickling] [Coughs] [Gasps]
[Coughs] [Gasps] [Gasps]
Oh, my god.
[Clatter] Idiot gardener.
[Clatter] Idiot gardener.
Yeah.
Idiot gardener. Yeah.
They heard that.
Yeah. They heard that.
Never mind.
They heard that. Never mind.
Our fifth and final virgin has
never mind.
Our fifth and final virgin has arrived.
Our fifth and final virgin has arrived.
You three.
Arrived. You three.
Get her and bring her to me.
You three.
Get her and bring her to me. Hurry!
Get her and bring her to me.
Hurry! Time is running out!
S-so... I guess I'm no use to you,
so I can -- I can go, right?
You, so I can -- I can go, right?
Sorry, deary.
Right? Sorry, deary.
[Body thuds]
Sorry, deary.
[Body thuds] I don't like leaving loose ends.
Judy, you go that way.
Jan, come with me.
Excellent.
I always took you for a warrior princess.
I always took you for a warrior princess.
Let me take care of the real
princess.
Let me take care of the real housewives of san griento.
Let me take care of the real housewives of san griento.
You get upstairs and find
housewives of san griento.
You get upstairs and find katharine.
You get upstairs and find katharine.
Xena, don't argue.
Katharine. Xena, don't argue.
Take spirit and go.
[Whistles] All right,
you botox bitches. Let's dance!
All right, you botox bitches.
Let's dance! [Demonic snarling]
Let's dance!
[Demonic snarling] Oh, shit.
[Demonic snarling] Oh, shit.
Please don't let her kill me.
Oh, shit. Please don't let her kill me.
It's no use.
Please don't let her kill me. It's no use.
You do not know the strength of
it's no use.
You do not know the strength of her power.
You do not know the strength of her power.
Accept your fate.
Her power. Accept your fate.
You cannot get away.
Accept your fate. You cannot get away.
And now it is time to
you cannot get away.
And now it is time to complete these black rites as
and now it is time to complete these black
rites as the midnight hour draws near.
Complete these black rites as the midnight
hour draws near. I make this unholy sacrifice of
the midnight hour draws near.
I make this unholy sacrifice of alban elved to the
I make this unholy sacrifice of alban
elved to the prince of darkness.
Alban elved to the prince of darkness.
Dark lord, restore my youth and
prince of darkness. Dark lord,
restore my youth and my beauty, and I will continue
dark lord, restore my youth and my beauty,
and I will continue to serve only you forever.
Not so fast,
you eurotrash hell whore. Leah!
Hell whore.
Leah! Leah.
Leah! Leah.
You little brat.
Leah. You little brat.
I knew you'd make an appearance
you little brat. I knew you'd make an
appearance here tonight, just as your
I knew you'd make an appearance here tonight,
just as your ancestor did on this night so
here tonight, just as your ancestor
did on this night so many moons ago.
Ancestor did on this night so many moons ago.
Aah!
Many moons ago. Aah!
What does that mean?
Aah! What does that mean?
I knew I recognized your
what does that mean? I knew I recognized
your bloodline the moment I saw you,
I knew I recognized your bloodline
the moment I saw you, cousin.
Bloodline the moment I saw you, cousin. Cousin?
Cousin.
Cousin? Yes.
Cousin? Yes.
Your friend leah is a direct
yes.
Your friend leah is a direct descendant of
your friend leah is a direct descendant
of emperor matthias ii, who
descendant of emperor matthias ii,
who condemned me to death by walling
emperor matthias ii, who condemned me to
death by walling me inside my bedchamber.
Condemned me to death by walling me inside my
bedchamber. But my power was strong, and a
me inside my bedchamber. But my power was strong,
and a fortnight after they buried me
but my power was strong, and a fortnight after
they buried me in the cold earth, my devoted
fortnight after they buried me in the cold earth,
my devoted coven brought me back.
In the cold earth, my devoted coven brought me back.
They hid me for many years until
coven brought me back. They hid me for many
years until I could reclaim the castle and
they hid me for many years until I could reclaim
the castle and continue this unholy ritual that
I could reclaim the castle and continue this
unholy ritual that has given me eternal life.
Continue this unholy ritual that has given me eternal life.
Ah!
Has given me eternal life.
Ah! No!
Ah! No!
And now I shall take
no!
And now I shall take especially sweet revenge by
and now I shall take especially sweet
revenge by bathing in the blood of my
especially sweet revenge by
bathing in the blood of my enemy's
bathing in the blood of my enemy's
great-great-granddaughter.
Enemy's great-great-granddaughter.
Leah!
Great-great-granddaughter.
Leah! Go for it, bitch.
Leah! Go for it, bitch.
You know, I thought you might
go for it, bitch. You know,
I thought you might try that tonight, so I made it a
you know, I thought you might try that tonight,
so I made it a point to lose my precious
try that tonight, so I made it a point to lose
my precious virginity before stopping by.
Point to lose my precious virginity before stopping by.
You did?
Virginity before stopping by.
You did? Was it with paul?
You did? Was it with paul?
You bet it was.
Was it with paul? You bet it was.
Oh, wow. Good for you.
You bet it was. Oh, wow.
Good for you. Silence!
Oh, wow. Good for you.
Silence! No matter.
Silence! No matter.
I have other ways of torturing
no matter.
I have other ways of torturing you.
Paul!
[Hisses] Leah!
[Hisses] Leah!
[Choking]
[Body thuds] Before you suffer a slow
and painful death of my choosing,
before you suffer a slow and painful death of
my choosing, you can watch as I bathe in the
painful death of my choosing, you can watch
as I bathe in the blood of your sweet little
you can watch as I bathe in the
blood of your sweet little friend here.
Blood of your sweet little friend here.
Not a chance.
What's the point killing her? By my count,
you're still a virgin short, and your time's
by my count, you're still a virgin short,
and your time's up, countess.
Virgin short, and your time's up, countess.
Oh, no, my dear.
Up, countess. Oh, no, my dear.
I always carry a spare with me
oh, no, my dear.
I always carry a spare with me just in case.
I always carry a spare with me just in case.
[Gasps]
Just in case. [Gasps] No,
you promised me I could
[gasps] No,
you promised me I could finally go home!
No, you promised me I could finally go home!
Aww.
Finally go home! Aww.
My poor, sweet girl.
Aww. My poor, sweet girl.
[Demonic voice] Don't you know
my poor, sweet girl. [Demonic voice] Don't
you know by now that my promises are made
[demonic voice] Don't you know by now
that my promises are made to be broken?
[Gasps]
No!
Aah!
Save her, please! Die now then if you must.
But die knowing that I have
die now then if you must.
But die knowing that I have triumphed once again.
But die knowing that I have triumphed once again.
You can save all of us
triumphed once again.
You can save all of us and yourself.
You can save all of us and yourself.
I know you can!
Leah!
[Shrieks]
[Both screaming]
[Sighs] [Gasps,
screams] [Gasps]
[Gasps, screams] [Gasps] [Screaming]
Paul?
Paul? Paul?
Paul? Paul?
[Exhales deeply]
Paul?
[Exhales deeply] Are you okay?
[Exhales deeply] Are you okay?
Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I think so. You?
Yeah. I think so.
You? [Chuckles]
I think so. You?
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Looks like you took names and kicked ass.
Knew you would.
Kicked ass. Knew you would.
Come here.
You are the great one.
You are the savior of us all. What? No.
You are the savior of us all.
What? No. Oh, my god. Get up.
What? No. Oh, my god. Get up.
I never could have done that
oh, my god. Get up.
I never could have done that without your help.
I never could have done that without your help.
Yeah, ilona.
Without your help. Yeah, ilona.
You're the great one.
Yeah, ilona. You're the great one.
I'm so sorry I didn't help
you're the great one.
I'm so sorry I didn't help you before.
I'm so sorry I didn't help you before.
I hope you and god will forgive
you before.
I hope you and god will forgive me.
I hope you and god will forgive me.
It's okay.
Me. It's okay.
I understand.
It's okay. I understand.
You were scared.
I understand. You were scared.
Both of you must travel to my
you were scared. Both of you must travel to my village,
where so many were
both of you must travel to my village,
where so many were taken by that devil woman.
Village, where so many were taken by that devil woman.
You'll be treated like queens
taken by that devil woman.
You'll be treated like queens there and celebrated for
you'll be treated like queens there
and celebrated for centuries.
There and celebrated for centuries.
Why don't we just get out of
centuries.
Why don't we just get out of here?
Why don't we just get out of here?
We can plan our summer vacation
here?
We can plan our summer vacation later.
We can plan our summer vacation later.
Yeah. Good idea.
Later. Yeah. Good idea.
Come with us.
Yeah. Good idea.
Come with us. I would love to.
Come with us.
I would love to. [Chuckles]
Ah, oh ah,
oh ah, oh
ah, oh ah,
oh ah, oh
ah, oh ah,
oh remember the girl who moved to
ah,
oh remember the girl who moved to california
remember the girl who moved to
california weren't sad to see her leave
california weren't sad to see her
leave her claim to fame was the boys
weren't sad to see her leave her
claim to fame was the boys that she, ah
her claim to fame was the boys that she,
ah she was cockier than you can
that she,
ah she was cockier than you can believe
she was cockier than you can believe hey, leah.
Believe hey, leah.
So, about that rain check for
hey, leah.
So, about that rain check for existential feminism...
So, about that rain check for existential feminism...
Tonight at 7:00 work for you?
Existential feminism... Tonight at 7:00 work for you?
Maybe we can touch on some of
tonight at 7:00 work for you? Maybe we can
touch on some of those themes we explored last
maybe we can touch on some of
those themes we explored last time.
Those themes we explored last time.
[Chuckles]
Time.
[Chuckles] And here I thought you were just
[chuckles] And here I thought you were
just using my fine, young ass to save
and here I thought you were just using my fine,
young ass to save yours.
Using my fine, young ass to save yours.
Oh. It's a date, then.
Smooth, my man.
Very smooth. Yeah.
Very smooth. Yeah.
Hey, old buddy, old pal.
Yeah. Hey, old buddy,
old pal. Hey!
Hey, old buddy, old pal. Hey!
I'll talk to you guys later,
hey!
I'll talk to you guys later, okay?
I'll talk to you guys later, okay?
So, guess what.
Okay? So, guess what.
What?
So, guess what. What?
I checked out the euro passes
what? I checked out the euro passes
on the internet last night, and
I checked out the euro passes on the internet last night,
and I found a ton of cheap hostels.
On the internet last night,
and I found a ton of cheap hostels. Excellent.
I found a ton of cheap hostels.
Excellent. This summer is going to be
excellent.
This summer is going to be totally sweet.
This summer is going to be totally sweet.
And, hey, listen, if it's too
totally sweet. And, hey, listen,
if it's too freaky for you to go visit her
and, hey, listen, if it's too freaky for you to
go visit her castle, you can totally stay in
freaky for you to go visit her castle,
you can totally stay in budapest while I make the
castle, you can totally stay in budapest
while I make the trip -- if you want.
Budapest while I make the trip -- if you want.
Now, no. I want to go.
Trip -- if you want. Now, no. I want to go.
And besides, after everything I
now, no. I want to go. And besides,
after everything I put you through, I'm never gonna
and besides, after everything I put you through,
I'm never gonna let you down again, okay?
Put you through, I'm never gonna let you
down again, okay? Kath, you don't have to
let you down again, okay?
Kath, you don't have to apologize.
Kath, you don't have to apologize.
I know. I know.
Apologize. I know. I know.
But look, I just want you to
I know. I know. But look,
I just want you to know that everything that's
but look, I just want you to know that everything
that's happened has made me stronger,
know that everything that's happened has made
me stronger, and you don't have to protect me
happened has made me stronger,
and you don't have to protect me anymore.
And you don't have to protect me anymore.
From now on, we stand tough
anymore. From now on,
we stand tough together.
From now on,
we stand tough together. Deal?
Together.
Deal? Deal.
Deal? Deal.
And, um, besides, you know,
deal. And, um, besides, you know,
we're gonna be the guests of
and, um, besides, you know, we're gonna be
the guests of honor at ilona's village, and I
we're gonna be the guests of honor at ilona's village,
and I don't want to miss that.
Honor at ilona's village, and I don't want to miss that.
You still maxing out your
don't want to miss that. You still maxing
out your monthly minutes with that chick
you still maxing out your monthly
minutes with that chick or what?
Monthly minutes with that chick or what?
Yeah.
Or what? Yeah.
I guess I am la lesbo de
yeah.
I guess I am la lesbo de san griento after all.
I guess I am la lesbo de san griento after all.
Yeah, the one thing the
san griento after all.
Yeah, the one thing the hiltons got right.
Yeah, the one thing the hiltons got right.
Yeah, well, that and you're
hiltons got right. Yeah, well,
that and you're still way more butch than me.
Yeah, well, that and you're still way
more butch than me. Oh! Whatever!
Still way more butch than me. Oh!
Whatever! Just lucky I found a new bottom
oh! Whatever!
Just lucky I found a new bottom to push around.
Just lucky I found a new bottom to push around.
I know.
To push around. I know.
I mean, who knew some people
I know. I mean,
who knew some people actually liked negative and
I mean, who knew some people
actually liked negative and pissy?
Actually liked negative and pissy?
Heathen whore is the new
pissy?
Heathen whore is the new black, baby.
Heathen whore is the new black, baby.
Oh, ba-dum!
Black, baby. Oh, ba-dum!
Both: Ching!
Oh, ba-dum!
Both: Ching! [Both laugh]
[Up-tempo music plays]
[Singing in spanish]
I dream for you and drink
for you and I'm so happy
and drink for you and I'm so happy please,
it's not true
and I'm so happy please,
it's not true [Singing in spanish]
I dream for you and drink
for you and I'm so happy
and drink for you and I'm so happy please,
it's not true
and I'm so happy please,
it's not true please, it's not true
please, it's not true please,
it's not true please, it's not tru-u-u-u-e
[singing in spanish]