History abounds
in stories of men...
who rose to meet
the challenge of destiny...
brave men, touched
by the fire and passion...
of revolution.
This is a story torn...
from the romantic and violent
pages of history...
a true story
of two noble brothers...
of the bond of sympathy
that united them...
and of their devotion
to a just cause.
Their daring adventures have
been too long unremembered...
and perhaps because they
did not seek personal glory.
But, on this bright summer day
in Paris...
fate is about to take a hand.
No!
1, 2...
Woolly bully,
please shave your jaws
Fromage
Woolly bully,
please shave your jaws
Woolly bully,
please shave your jaws
Fromage
Eggs and bacon marmalade
Everybody!
Woolly bully,
please shave your jaws
Fromage
Come on, everybody!
Woolly bully,
please shave your jaws
Fromage
Eggs and bacon marmalade
All right, got it!
OK, Sonny.
Go in there and check security.
All right, E..
Come on, sit down.
Coast clear.
I think I'll sit...
there.
Monsieur Schmengoid...
seafood plate.
Oh, man, no wonder Elvis
never toured over here.
They don't speak English.
Hey, how much money
we make today?
We made a pile today.
What's a schemgy worth today?
I don't know.
But don't you love it, man?
In America, they'd arrest us
for playin' on the street.
Here, they pay us to leave.
That's culture, hoss.
Don't you forget it.
Hey, what's this?
It's what you ordered.
Seafood plate.
Seafood plate.
Get it out of here!
Go on. The King's allergic.
Can't eat clams unless
they're attached to something.
Don't forget that.
Do you realize we've
revolutionized rock, man?
Do you know how many places...
we haven't played
where they won't want us?
That's a revolutionary thought.
Rock and roll, man.
That's what's gonna
change the world, you know?
A lot of people think
there's gonna be...
a revolution?
It's gonna be
a music revolution.
Rock and roll, man.
You! You have the mark!
Your arm! Your lip!
You have the mark!
He has the mark!
You have the mark!
Are you brothers?
Yeah, we're the Marx Brothers.
I have something
so important to tell you.
But first...I need money.
Give her some money.
It's coming...
I need more money...
It's coming...
Give her some more money.
She'll come quicker.
Money, more money...
OK.
I'll tell you the first part.
She'll tell us the first part.
A long time ago, on an island
far, far away...
Even before their birth...
the lives of the brothers were
marked by irony and intrigue.
Their father was a rich
and powerful aristocrat...
and, had it not been
for a romantic indiscretion...
of his passionate young wife...
our heroes might have been
raised as gentlemen...
and we would
have no story to tell.
...boiling water.
Basins of it!
Le chaud, le chaud!
Go away!
Widen it!
You can see the hole!
Pull...
and...
get the bar behind you!
Pull it out...
right now!
Push!
And push!
Push!
Work on it!
Push!
Push! Come on!
It's coming.
Fine!
Now, pull, pull!
Pull!
Pull!
Pull...
Oh, we made it!
Oh...
Thank God!
Now--
Oh my God!
Despite the tragic loss
of their fathers...
Lucien and Louie,
as they were called...
spent a happy childhood
humbly raised as peasants.
Ma! Ma! Ma!
Let's have it.
Mine!
Their humble upbringing
could not disguise the fact...
that these
were no ordinary peasants.
They betrayed their origins...
by a bond of sympathy
so extraordinary...
that each
could feel the joy or pain...
of the other in his place.
And as the years passed...
this would prove to be
a heavy load to bear.
I'm going to the market.
But now, you boys be good!
-Yes, Nanny.
-Yes, Nanny.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry!
You donkey!
Come on.
Shut up.
We gotta think of a story.
A dragon came by.
A dragon came by, and he
breathed on the house...
And caught it on fire!
And it caught on it fire!
And then we killed it.
We were gonna kill it!
Yeah, we were gonna kill it...
But then it flew away.
It flew away!
And then we killed it!
And then we killed it!
And we were putting out
the fire...
We were gonna put out
the fire, and...
And the gypsies stole us!
Yeah, just before we...
put out the fire,
the gypsies stole us!
And then they...
and then they took us
across the river.
Yeah, and they killed us.
No, they were gonna kill us.
They were gonna kill us!
They tied us up
with a golden chain.
But then we killed them!
With a guitar.
We killed them all!
'Cause they were gonna come home
and kill everybody at home.
They'll believe that!
Let's go home.
-What?
-Where you going?
-I'm goin' home.
-Home is this way.
Home's this way!
Hey, you're stupid!
Home's this way!
Hey, you're cuckoo!
It's that way!
-Afraid not!
-'Fraid so!
Well, I'm goin' home!
Home's that way, stupid!
I'll be there before you.
You're gonna get lost.
'Fraid not.
Wait and see!
La cucaracha
La cucaracha
Ya no quero cominar
This looks like the place.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Nanny?
Hello?
Where's everybody?
Hello?
All right, one move
and you're dead!
Who are you and what are
you doing here?
I came home.
I used to live here
with my brother.
You're lying.
I used to live here
with my brother.
Lucien!
It's me, Luis!
Don't you recognize me?
I'm your brother Luis!
You're lying.
My brother wasn't Mexican.
Look, it's me!
Louie!
Lucien!
Where did you go?
I...
I got captured by gypsies.
And...
And...
they took me to Mexico.
You're lyin'.
You got lost, didn't you?
-I didn't get lost.
-You did!
The gypsies captured me.
I've been living
in Mexico all this time!
You look great!
But--but you look so...
so Mexican!
Well, yeah!
I'm a big landowner there now.
They call me Don Luis.
Except for when I'm mad,
they call me Crab Luis!
It's a Mexican joke.
You look...
You look terrible.
What's going on around here?
Where is everybody?
We've fallen into terrible times
since you left, my brother.
Evil men rule the country.
All our people...
are either dead or in jail.
These evil men, they...
they raped the fields
and pillaged the women.
That's evil men.
Indeed, there were
only two things...
a French peasant
could count on...
death and taxes.
And given the sometimes
overzealous methods...
of the tax collectors,
one often preceded the other.
It's good to be
back in the woods.
It's so peaceful.
It's poison oak, my brother.
Hey, brother!
Hello--
You would've been dead, buddy.
What are you doing?
Practicing for the revolution.
With a potato?
But not just a potato.
Look at this.
Get down!
What was that?
A bomb de terre!
In back of every murderous deed,
was the evil Fuckaire.
My little Poofter, eh?
You must not soil your
delicate little paws...
with this dirty
peasant, eh, Poofter?
We know what
he has been doing, eh?
He has been stealing a log
from the royal forest.
He tell it is for his oven
to warm his starving children.
Mon dieu, if you believe that
you'll believe something, eh?
I know what it is for.
It is to make weapons...
and he should know that weapons
are forbidden in my kingdom.
Or, at least,
the Queen's kingdom.
Or so she thinks, eh?
Oh, my lovely little Poofter,
give me a kiss.
Mon dieu!
Halitosis, eh?
My friend, you see we are
so considerate...
to you dirty peasants.
We have brought your wife
to join you for company.
Are you sitting comfortably?
You are?
We can't have that.
Stretch his legs wider.
You ever had a taco?
No, I guess they don't
have tacos in France.
I remember one time
this restaurant...
I used to work--I mean, own...
they had a contest to see
who could eat the most.
I ate 143.
And I was still hungry...
but they had to close
the restaurant.
I'm so hungry I could
eat a bowl of lard...
with a hair in it.
Here, puppy!
I want to journey
but not too fa--
Mon dieu!
My God...
I have been hit with shit.
Allez! Vite, vite!
Poofter, did you see what hap--
Poofter!
My God, where is
my little Poofter?
Oh, I mustn't lose my Poofter!
Excuse me, I am so sorry
to bother you...
when you are so busy,
but have you seen...
my Poofter? No?
Oh, my God!
No, no, no!
Don't come back!
Look for my Poofter!
There's a lot of meat...
on one of these
little suckers, huh?
Wonder if he wants any?
Here, puppy! Come on!
Come on.
Here we go.
Hey, you like it?
That taste good?
Guy's a vicious little dog, man,
goes right for the throat, huh?
What a hunter.
We ought to keep him
around all the time.
He belongs to Fuckaire.
No wonder he's so vicious.
That reminds me, we'd
better keep our eye out.
Fuckaire's men will be
out here looking for him.
Hey, puppy.
I'm sorry, my brother...
I should have known better.
Hey, don't worry.
We just got their dog.
What's the most
they can do to us?
Hey, man, this is not gonna be
so bad after all.
Wow, this is like
a country club.
Must be some of
the other inmates.
Hey, brother, let's
not get into a gang.
You know, that only
complicates things.
Now let's keep our noses clean,
do our good time, and get out.
Oh, wow, coed!
Hey, this is not...
gonna be so bad after all.
Man, this ain't
one of those prisons...
where they cut your hair?
Did you see that?!
Un guillotine!
-Easy, my brother.
-What?
Look at these people,
they envy us.
Do you want to be me?
I'll trade places
with you right now.
We're about the same size.
Hey, come on, come on,
look, let's--look, I'm sorry.
Hey, look, this is
all a big mistake.
Come on, man, we can--
we can work something out.
Fuckaire!
Fuckaire, we thank you...
for allowing us
the opportunity...
to show our people
how real men die.
You may kill us, Fuckaire...
but you will never
kill the revolution.
I am Corsican!
I am not afraid to die.
Allons!
Allez, allez!
Bravo, bravo.
What a great pity
that such noble words...
should be your last words.
Can I say something
for a minute?
I'm Mexican,
and I'm afraid to die.
I want to live!
And we didn't do
nothing to your dog.
And we didn't kidnap him, man.
We found him, you know.
As a matter of fact,
you should be thankful, man.
You should be giving
us a reward, you know...
but we'll let it go
and let bygones...
be bygones.
Just let it--
Be brave, my brother.
Let me be the first to die
for the revolution.
Let him be the first to die.
Sure, be the first to die.
Wait a minute,
they cut his head off...
I'm gonna feel the pain.
Wait a minute!
Corsican Brothers!
There he is!
Arrete!
Silence!
My friends...
you dirty--you peasants...
I have decided,
in my great mercy...
because...
I am so tender-hearted, eh?
To spare the lives of these
Brothers Corsican.
Hope of liberation
floated in the air...
but even as the brothers made...
their bold ascendancy
to heroism...
the missing pieces
of their complex destiny...
were now falling into place.
Their manly virtues
were observed...
by the Queen's
lovely daughters...
who hid their affections...
behind a veil
of royal upbringing.
Stop that!
He's the most gorgeous thing
I've ever seen in my life.
I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna write him
a love letter.
Well, all of that fresh air...
has certainly given me
an appetite.
Petit dejeuners!
These strawberries
certainly look good.
Mother, let the taster
do his job.
I never get to eat.
Sis, help me,
what should I say?
What a pity, you missed the end.
Three such delightful
executions!
Such blood, such vomit.
You enjoying your breakfast--
I see you've...
you've not eaten
your strawberries?
I got them for you specially.
There are so good for you.
For him, they are not so good.
He's allergic to strawberries.
We all know what you're doing.
We're not blind.
Yes, I know what you mean.
Believe me, l, too,
am disappointed...
that I had to spare
the lives of these...
Corsican Brothers.
Nothing more I wanted
than their deaths.
But, you see,
they seem so popular...
with the crowd.
But don't worry.
I have something
in store for them.
Will make the guillotine
look like child's play.
You're disgusting! Vile!
Horrible! Cruel!
Perverted!
Perverted!
Perverted!
That is the one
I wanted to hear.
You've made my day.
Perverted!
My God, it's nice to know
you're appreciated.
Believe me,
if you weren't a woman...
I could kiss you for that.
Don't be a stupid, Fuckaire!
Excuse me.
I'm still hungry.
Bring me some eggs!
Is it ready?
Yes, sir.
The oil is nice and hot, eh?
Yes, sir.
Let's see.
Keep your finger still,
you fool.
How else can I read it?
Oh, yes, 230 degrees...
Centigrade.
That's quite hot.
Make it hotter!
My friend.
Now, my dirty little peasant...
are you enjoying
my hospitality?
Yes, it's my favorite room.
You know, I've got
a surprise for you.
-For me?
-Yes...
but you must do
something for me first.
Now, I want you to entertain...
your fellow prisoners
down here, eh?
Because they have
no entertainment.
So, I want you
to stand over here...
and entertain your prisoners
in this exact spot.
It has to be exact,
you see...
because of the light
on your face, eh?
Now, you'll entertain
your prisoners...
and then I'm going
to give it to you.
You're going to have a surprise.
Hey, what kind of
a surprise is it?
Is it something you can eat?
If you like greasy food,
yes, you can eat it.
Now just stand here...
and please entertain
your fellow prisoners.
What do you want me to do?
Sing or dance or tell a joke?
It doesn't matter.
Entertain means...
you do all kinds
of things, yes.
So, you are going
to sing and dance...
anything, but you must
stay in this spot...
and do it quickly
while it's still hot.
Now, give me a chance
to get clear.
Can it be a dirty song?
Yes, sir, a dirty prison song
for these dirty prisoners...
Come on, sing!
Sing this song.
And for God's sake,
make sure you're in...
the right place for the light.
Now sing, sing, sing.
Can I have a guitar?
I can really get into it...
-if I had a guitar.
-You don't need a guitar, no.
You can accompany yourself
with your mustache, yes.
Now, come on, sing
your dirty prison song.
Now, come on, sing, please.
Sing it. Sing it, please!
Hey, I know another
song that's even--
You are a bloody imbecile!
All I'm asking you to do
is to stand on this spot...
and sing a song, any song.
It's hot!
Oh, my God, it's everywhere!
In every orifice!
Such a beautiful song, Fuckaire.
You should teach us the words.
I'm over here,
my brother, over here!
My brother, over here!
Easy, easy, my brother,
easy, easy!
Here it is.
Here's your lovely
drinking water.
Here, what are you doing?
Get off my bucket, will you?
Get off it! What are
you sitting on that for?
Guards! Guards!
He's done a whoopsy in my water.
Now I can't use it.
I'll have to go
and get some more now.
Listen.
The horses are in the stable.
Meet me the inn
in the village.
Now go, go!
Hey, over here, fella!
Get a horse, go to town.
Who wants to go to town?
Hey, come on, we're going
to town, big fella...
to get a drink.
You don't have to go to town!
Just sit there and be cool.
Sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.
Why do they gotta make
these horses so big?
God, look at this one.
It's an elephant.
Want some peanuts?
Nice horse.
I need a nice, little,
small mid-size.
Maybe a little burro
with a saddle already on it.
What have you been eating?
I like horses.
I like 'em medium rare
with potatoes.
Hi, puppy.
Hi, puppy.
Want to go to town?
Oh, hey, you're nice.
Good idea. I'll be
right back. Hold on.
You got my note!
And I didn't even send it.
Hey, you!
What are you doing in here?
You're not supposed
to be in here.
Don't hide from me, I see you.
You know, you'd be
in a lot of trouble...
if someone else had found you.
Lucky I found you first.
Stand still!
Ja, let me have a look at you.
You know, I've been looking
for a stud like you.
You've got a great ass.
You're gorgeous!
I can't wait.
You know what?
Tomorrow morning,
I'm going to sneak out...
and I'm going to take
you for a long ride.
I'm going to ride you
till you drop...
then I'm going to find
a nice lake...
then I'm going to bathe you
and massage you.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
And then I'm going
to put something on you...
to keep those horrible
flies off you.
Go, quickly!
Wait, my hanky!
Whoa, puppy!
Slow down! Stop!
El stoppo!
I forgot my hand.
Here, take this.
Hurry, quick, go!
You must go now!
Deux, trois!
It's OK, my brother.
Make a run for it.
I'll hold 'em off!
What?
My brother, wait, wait!
You're lucky, buddy.
If this had a point on it,
you would've been dead.
Wait, these are my friends!
We've been having
a drinking contest.
Look at all the money I've won.
It's OK.
He's my brother!
Yeah, it's OK.
Sit down, my brother.
I was worried about you.
Where did you go?
I went home.
I knew you'd be in trouble...
so I went home
and got me a sword.
Thanks for thinking of me,
my brother.
Well, come on, have a drink.
I never touch the stuff...
and I wish you wouldn't, either.
'Cause you're my brother!
You're my brother.
I love you, you know that?
And I love you.
Anything I got
is yours, you know?
I wanted you to know that.
And everything
you have is yours.
Do you understand?
Right, my brother.
That's mine.
Smells like horses.
Where'd you get this?
A very beautiful lady gave that
to me tonight, my brother.
She saw me in the barn...
and fell instantly
in love with me.
Poor girl.
You're lying!
'Cause the most gorgeous girl
you've ever seen in my life...
gave me this.
She's so gorgeous.
And she kissed me.
Well, my brother...
I hate to hurt your feelings.
She may have kissed you,
but she's in love with me.
She told me we're going
riding tomorrow.
You're lying!
Don't you ever talk...
about the woman
I love like that.
Stand up!
Now, she's my girl.
You got that?!
You're right.
She's your girl.
Don't you say that.
She's my girl!
Don't say she's my girl.
You're right.
She's not your girl...
she's my girl.
En garde!
A vous!
Hey, come on,
this is stupid now.
Come on!
Hey, come on, I don't
want to hurt you.
You'll never get close to me.
Come on, let's fight.
I'm not gonna fight you!
Don't embarrass me
in front of your friends.
I'm not gonna embarrass you--
That hurts, stupid!
Give me that.
Give me that!
Give me that!
There she is.
Look, there she is!
-There's two of 'em!
-There's two of 'em.
I'm finished.
Oh, you do that so good!
Oh, you like that, huh?
I've never had anybody
do that for me.
Do you think you
could do it again?
Again?
Just a little,
unless you are tired.
I'm not tired.
Good!
I could do this all day.
As a matter fact...
that's what I used to
do for a living.
I worked for a guy--
I mean, I owned...
a big horse ranch in Mexico.
-Really?
-Oh, yeah.
We had 10,000 horses.
10,000?
Oh, yeah, sure.
What kind of horses?
They were brown, mostly brown.
Did you do all the breeding
yourself?
No. We had a horse for that.
I remember one time
my cousin though--
Never mind.
You know, I can't imagine
being with anyone...
but someone that was
into horses.
You just gotta know how
to treat horses, you know?
I mean, a lot of 'em
like to be treated...
you know, just, like,
really gentle--
What's that?!
Sorry. It's just my sword.
It keeps getting in the way.
Would you like to see it?
It's OK, because I couldn't
show it to you anyway.
My father always told me...
never show your sword
unless you intend to use it.
Anyway, mine's broken.
-Broken?
-Yeah.
Why, I've mistreated it
for years.
So foolish.
I used to go around
stickin' it into everything.
Stuck it into watermelons...
just practicing.
One day I stuck it
into the dirt...
broke the tip off.
How awful.
That really hurt me.
But that's OK.
I'm gonna get a new one.
You can get new ones?
That's why I have to get
into the castle...
because that's where
they keep the good ones.
Yes!
I need a good, strong one
this time.
Francois has a really good one!
But it has to be big.
Oh...Pierre. Yes.
But his is too big.
They can never be too big...
not if you know
what to do with it.
You see, sometimes
if they're big enough...
all you have to do is show it,
and people will run.
That's what I did.
I think he really likes you.
Nice horsy.
I love horses.
They're really nice.
I got it.
I figured out a way...
for us to get
into the castle.
Good. How?
See this guy over there?
The guy in the red?
No. The guy over there.
What, the cook?
No, not the cook.
The guy over there.
What, the guy with the horse?
We steal a horse?
No, not that guy.
The guy over there!
What, the guy in the red?
That guy, right there!
That's the famous
Marquis du Hickey.
Legendary lover. Makes Casanova
look like a schoolboy.
He's a tri-sexual.
A tri-sexual?
Yeah, he'll try anything--
mud, chickens, anything.
We don't have time
for that, my brother.
We have to get into the castle.
It's important.
That's what I'm getting at.
Now, listen.
Tomorrow he's going
to the castle...
for the Queen's birthday
with his entire entourage.
We go in with him.
But we'll be recognized.
I got that figured out, too.
-See this guy behind us?
-Yeah.
-The guy with the red hair?
-Yeah.
He's the Queen's hairdresser,
on royal appointment.
He's a Spanish guy.
Just came from Spain.
And anyways, he's queer
as a duck.
Oh, no, my brother. I--
I just couldn't do that.
I mean I haven't really
been with a woman...
Iet alone a man.
I wouldn't know what to do.
Just listen.
See the other guy with him?
That's Nostradamus,
the famous mystic seer.
Now, I'm gonna
lure him outside...
and then you come after us.
My brother, I can't.
-I just couldn't.
-Why?
Just the thought of it
makes me sick.
I mean, what does he do,
kiss first?
I just couldn't.
The thought...
Look, I'm gonna
lure them outside...
and you come after me!
And then what?
And then you
bonk 'em on the head!
I can bonk.
But how are you gonna
lure 'em outside?
I have my ways.
Con permiso.
Tickle your ass with a feather?
Monsieur Jozay.
It's pronounced Jose.
Gracias.
!Ay, reina!
I am so happy to know you!
Thank you for inviting us.
It's such a nice casa
you have here.
Who do your hair?
It's OK.
I'm going to fix it.
Gracias por la invitacion.
It's me. I'll meet you later.
I've got to see you.
Gracias por todo.
Gracias.
My darling, I got your message
about meeting later, eh?
Monsieur Nostradamus.
The brothers were not
masters of impersonation...
but the strength
of their resolve...
made up for it, and they soon
found themselves...
comfortably situated
in the palace...
at ease with their
aristocratic enemies.
They knew how readily
the princesses...
would throw themselves
in the path of love...
if given the chance.
But even that temptation did not
spoil the supreme poise...
with which they carried off
the masquerade.
I'm so glad you're here.
I am so glad I'm here, too.
This is so much fun.
OK, we're gonna turn you around.
All right.
See, like that.
There you go.
Now, tell me. What
is it like in Spain?
Well, honey, that's
the end of the world.
You want to talk about
the end of the world...
that's the end of the world.
It's so hot there.
Is it true what they say
about the Queen of Spain?
I don't know.
What they say?
That she's bald?
She bald?
She--honey, she got more hair...
on her legs than
she got on her head.
And what about
all those lovers?
God.
They don't call her
the "Frijole" for nothing.
She like a doorknob.
Everybody gets a turn.
And that's a yoke, huh?
A good yoke.
Yeah, they were gonna name
a port of entry after her.
Greetings, my peasant brothers.
I bring good news.
The revolution goes well.
Soon I will be able to free you
from your miserable existence.
Take heed, have faith,
and au revoir.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
Surely.
Where your daughter's room is?
Oh, my daughters.
They're so lovely!
They're just like their father.
Whatever happened to the King?
I don't see him around
here never no times.
Well, one day he want
hunting with the Fuckaire...
and then he never
came home again.
I don't trust that Fuckaire.
He's a sneaky guy.
Well...you have to
trust someone.
It's hard being the Queen.
I know what you mean...
especially in these pants.
Clear in his purpose.
Lucien searched
for a weapon strong enough...
and big enough to intimidate
friend and foe alike.
I not lying to you.
That's the truth.
They were so big
that she thought...
nobody would notice them.
She would just put a dress on.
Nobody would notice them.
!Ay! She was so stupid.
And she didn't tip at all.
How that feel? That's
OK on you, the hot air?
Yeah.
Feels like a night
in Malaga, huh?
A nice hot blow job.
!Ay, que bueno!
I want to look nice...
for my...rendezvous
with du Hickey.
Oh, you're gonna look
special, honey.
You're gonna look like
you never looked before.
Now, you just relax
and go to sleep.
I give you
a little massage, OK?
Now, just be quiet
and go to sleep.
My darling. I've been
looking all over--
God! I wish
he would be careful!
Sorry.
God, you scared
the shit out of me.
Oh, what have you done?
I didn't do nothin', man.
I was washin' her hair,
and it all came out.
You've made her look bad.
That's good.
It's a small victory,
but a big one.
My God!
Why didn't you tell me
I look like this?
I look like Fuckaire.
No wonder my peasant brothers
won't talk to me.
Oh, who cares if you
look like Fuckaire?
Help me do her hair.
I have to get out
of this disguise.
Come on. Hurry up, and
let's get outta here.
I found them, my brother,
and they're beautiful.
Oh, good.
Hey, and stop
walking into walls.
You almost broke
my nose that time.
They're just down
the hall from here.
Good.
Leave her alone.
Let's go.
Adios.
Wait till you see them,
my brother.
There's one pair
that's just incredible.
What are you talkin' about?
Come here.
They're in here.
There they are.
Now, if we can
just get them off.
Let's get 'em drunk first.
Hi, ladies. This--
this is more like it.
Hey. How you doin'?
Do I pass inspection?
Hey, did you ever see
a one-eyed trouser snake?
Must be melon season.
I need it.
I need it.
I need it.
I need it.
Hey, come here!
Come here.
We've been lookin' for you!
Hey, come here.
No, no, come here!
-Wait! Wait!
-Hey, wait!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. We...
we want to talk to you.
Hey, I can explain!
Wait!
Wait!
!La cholita!
Where are you?
Come on, baby,
I know you're in there.
Come on, baby,
don't play hard to get.
I know you want me.
Hey, I want you, too.
Why do you think
I'm dressed like this?
Hey, baby.
Excuse me, sister.
Come on, honey.
Those girls don't mean
anything to me.
Ever since you gave me
that look this morning...
I don't even think of girls.
All I think of is you.
I thi--
Come on, baby.
I can take you
away from all this...
civilization.
We can run out
into the jungles of Mexico...
and be love savages.
I'll be your king...
and you be my love queen.
We can open a taco stand.
Just...tell me where you are,
little pussycat.
Come on, baby.
Oh, honey...
you make me so happy.
Oh...oh, I want you.
I need you.
I have to have you.
And so you shall, my darling.
Get away from me!
I don't like intellectuals.
They're too stupid.
Don't be afraid.
I'm not an intellectual.
I'm a revolutionary.
Don't you know who I am?
Oh. It's you!
Well, then what
were you doing...
in that room
with all those girls?
I was just looking for my sword.
They had your sword?!
Yes. They were
holding it for me.
-They were holding it?
-Yes.
You told me that was my job!
My darling...
Listen to me.
I've been searching
all over for you.
Listen, I just
want to tell you...
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
I've got so much to tell you.
Now, listen. Listen close.
You're not screaming.
Why don't you s--
why don't you scream?!
That don't hurt.
You think that hurt?
That don't hurt.
Come on, let me down from here.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm not supposed
to be doing this.
I'm Catholic.
This is worse
than the lnquisition.
My God, I'm gonna
make you scream.
Come on, let me down from here.
Ah, this one is going
to hurt, by God!
Strong men have died
before now with this one.
This is Montezuma's
revenge, eh?
That's strange.
Is something wrong?
Having fun?
Come on, let me down from here.
I'm getting tired from this.
You've--you've got
bad circulation.
We're gonna try it
upside-down.
Hey, come on. I gotta go
to the bathroom.
Now, let me down from here.
Well, this will stop you
going to the bathroom.
Don't worry.
Now, my God...
you're going to
feel it this time.
Oh, my God.
Why don't you scream?
If you don't let me
down from here...
I'm going to give you
such a scream.
Now, let me down!
C'est Fuckaire.
He has my brother.
It's getting cold in here.
You got a blanket or something?
My God!
He's inhuman!
He's going to be
the death of me...
and I'm not even
going to enjoy it.
My brother...
my brother's in trouble.
Don't you ever want to scream,
"I'm burning! I'm--"
What took you
so long, my brother?
Get away from him!
He's mine!
I hit you, and he screams?
Nostradamus, join the party.
We need some new blood.
So glad to see you.
You kissed me!
You got the whip?
It's my turn. Come, quick!
What took you so long?
Are you all right, my brother?
Fix my feet. Would you
do my ankles, please?
I like the ankle straps
with shoes.
Thank you.
Could you please
do the other one?
You're so kind.
Yes, that's it.
Nice and tight.
That's beautiful.
Beautiful.
Now...whip me!
Whip you?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I'll whip you.
No, my brother.
We don't have time.
Of course you have time.
We must go free my people.
Free your people?
You got another party?
They're tied up somewhere else?
I'll join the other
party, but don't go!
Please! No! Whip me!
You can have a quick
whip-round. Please!
Guards! Guards!
Stop them!
They're escaping!
They haven't whipped me!
Guards!
Where are those guards?
There's no guards, man.
Come on. Let's go.
No, we must fight
our way out of this.
We must fight our way
to freedom.
We can't fight here.
Come on.
You're right. We can't
fight here. Not here.
Fight down here.
Right here.
This is the place to fight.
This way, our back is protected.
What are you talking about?
Let's get out of here!
Come on.
There's nobody here.
Guards! Get out here and fight!
Come on! Get out here,
you cowards!
Go back, back, back!
It's a mistake!
Come, come!
No, don't run!
Come back and fight!
No, run!
Go back to sleep.
Come, fight!
Come on, you cowards!
Let's fight!
No, let's not fight.
Let's kiss.
Go back.
There they are.
Please, my darling.
Go back.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Don't hurt her.
Don't hurt her.
How charming.
We give up.
Back! Back!
You call yourselves guards?
So, my friends.
We have caught you, eh?
And you wouldn't
beat me, eh?
So, now I'm going
to whip you to death.
You may whip us, Fuckaire...
but you'll never beat us.
Corsican Brothers!
My friends,
at last you must learn...
Ne fuc pas avec moi!
To the dungeons with them!
Don't worry, my brother.
They can't stop men
who want to be free.
Oh, mother!
Your hair!
I told you never
to call me "Mother."
Yes, I can see it, my brother.
What is it?
I can see the Big Dipper.
Big Dipper?
Yes, I can,
and I can see Venus...
and I can see the moon.
All I see is Uranus.
It's out there, my brother.
Yes. We're in luck...
because if that's
the Big Dipper...
That means the North Star is--
Let's see. You take
the bottom star from the cup...
and you align it
with the handle.
You know what I see?
I see a big idiot
standing in front of me.
Why do we always gotta
stay and fight?
Why couldn't we escape
when we had the chance?
My brother,
there are some things...
that you cannot run away from.
If this revolution
is to survive...
men like me must fight.
Even though the cause
is hopeless...
we must fight
to free our brothers...
from the chains of oppression.
What brothers
are you talkin' about?
The only brothers
I see around here is me...
and all you do
is get us caught!
Did you ever stop to think that
maybe you're the only guy...
in the revolution?
You know, like,
where's your followers, huh?
Hey. Would you follow
this guy into a revolution?
Of course not,
'cause you got half a brain.
So, who's following him?
I've got an idea.
Quick. Take off your clothes.
Hey, wait a minute.
We're brothers.
Look, take off your clothes.
Hey, you haven't been
in jail that long.
This should be enough rope.
Look, if we're gonna
hang ourselves...
Iet me be the first to go.
I'm tired and hungry...
and now I'm cold, too.
Just think of a way
to get through those bars.
Hey! Watch out up there!
It's amazing.
This French bread gets stale,
it gets as hard as a rock.
So what?
You know? This just might be
the tool we've been looking for.
I think I can
get through now, my brother.
I did it.
Quick. Throw me the rope.
Hold on tight, my brother.
I smell freedom.
I smell--
I smell food.
I must be imagining things.
Chicken.
Wait!
But Lucien was not
a man to forget his brother.
He remembered how they had loved
and cherished each other...
through the long years
of separation...
how deeply the fate of one had
always affected the other...
and his loyalty strengthened
his heroic resolve.
And so, for his beloved
brother Louie...
Lucien prepared to draw together
his peasant followers...
and bring an end
to oppression forever.
Come here, my brothers.
The time has come.
Listen to me.
We have been living like
miserable dogs long enough!
We must fight
to take back what is ours!
We must tear down
this miserable government...
and replace it
with our own people!
Are you with me?!
I said, are you with me?!
All right.
Let's organize and fight!
Enough!
Now, today is
a special occasion.
Today, we have the 5,000th
execution this month, eh?
I'm very grateful
to all you dirty peasants...
for putting
your heads together...
to increase productivity.
And for this special occasion,
we have a special execution.
None other than
that disgusting, driveling...
dirty peasant,
the Corsican Brother.
Perhaps, you dirty peasant, you
would like to say a last word.
Fuckaire!
The only thing I want to say...
is you've kept me
in a dungeon...
and you beat me,
and you tortured me...
and you even kissed me.
And I want these people
to know...
the only thing
you've really done...
is made me really,
really hungry...
and that's not nice
to do to a Mexican.
I'm supposed to get
a last meal!
I never got a last meal!
I'd even eat French food!
Thank you for those kind words.
It's nice to know we have
another satisfied customer.
Look. There's ants
in that basket.
My only regret
on this wonderful afternoon...
is that the other
Corsican Brother...
the revolutionary,
is already dead.
Nothing would
give me greater pleasure...
than he should witness
the death of his dirty--
Fuckaire!
It must be merde a la tete.
The dead Corsican.
I accept your invitation!
His dirty brother
shall not escape.
Execute him!
You dirty peasants!
Don't touch me!
Keep away!
Don't--don't touch me!
You can kick me if you like,
but don't touch me!
How dare you?
We're just about
to get to the part...
where we laugh and laugh!
I've had enough.
En garde!
Take the other one.
This one is mine!
I've got you!
I got you!
No!
Oh, to be sure.
Fuckaire.
There you are, eh?
You're finished.
So, you Corsican dog...
you trouble-maker,
why couldn't you let me
kill you quietly
in the guillotine, eh?
No, you have to make
revolutionary speeches.
You turned my beloved
dirty peasants against me!
One more execution--that was
all I needed for the record.
You spoiled my fun!
Well, my friend...
from now on you will find
I am no longer Mr. Nice Guy.
Look at that!
Look at this!
Can I have it?
Very good.
That's wonderful!
So, anyway, the princess says...
"ls that a wart in your pocket,
or are you just glad to see me?"
So it came to pass...
that France was delivered
from tyranny...
and emerged
into a new age of freedom.
The evil Fuckaire had perished,
as was just.
And of Lucien and Louie,
it may be fairly said...
that theirs was
a most special destiny.
If I could be
the one you love
If you would let
this dream come true
Then I would ask
for nothing more
But to live life loving you
I'm so excited.
I've never been married before.
Don't do that.
I'm gonna get pregnant
right away!
How long is this going to take?
I have a riding lesson.
Where is that brother
of yours, anyways?
Boy, his swinging days
are over.
I'm going to cut his rope
right off!
I think I need a drink.
Wait. You can just wait. Back.
You're just going
to have to train him.
Yes.
We'll go to the opera,
the ballet...
to the theater.
I'll have him take dancing
and singing and elocution.
I'm going to change
the way he walks...
the way he talks,
the way he eats...
his clothes, his pants,
his jacket, his hair...
Oh, I have lots of work to do.
Yes, we'll go shopping,
go to Paris...
visit his mother...
Hey, Louie.
Let's get out of here!
And so the Corsican Brothers
escaped...
from the pages of history.
Thanks, brother.
Let's go to America
and start a revolution.
All right.
I'm with you.
1, 2...
As I got on the city bus
and found a vacant seat
I thought I saw
my future bride
Walking down the street
I shouted to the driver
Hey, conductor,
you must slow down
I think I see her,
please let me off this bus
Nadine
Honey, is that you?
Oh, Nadine
Honey, is that you?
Seems like every time
I catch up with you
You got something else to do
I saw her from the corner
And she turned
and doubled back
She was stepping towards
a coffee-colored Cadillac
Moving through the crowd
Trying to get
to where she's at
I was campaign-shouting
like a southern diplomat
Oh, Nadine
Honey, is that you?
Oh, Nadine
Baby, where are you?
Seems like every time
I catch up with you
You got something else to do
Downtown looking for her
Looking all around
Saw her get into a yellow cab
and take her to town
Caught a loaded taxi,
paid up everybody's tab
Tipped a $20 bill, told him,
"Catch that yellow cab"
Oh, Nadine
Honey, is that you?
Oh, Nadine
Baby, is that you?
Seems like every time
I catch up with you
You got something else to do
Hey, baby, I'm OK.
Take it, Chong!
Well, she moves around
like a wayward summer breeze
Go, go on, driver, go on,
catch her for me, please
Moving through the traffic
like a modern cavalier
Leaning out that taxi window
Trying to get
that girl to hear
Oh, Nadine
Honey, is that you?
Oh, Nadine
Oh, baby, is that you?
Seems like every time
I catch up with you
You got something else to do
Seems like every time
I catch up with you
You got something else to do
Nadine!
Baby, is that you?