1
[motorcycle engine revs]
[instrumental rock music plays]
[Chelsea] So many trials and tribulations
brought me to this point.
All the crazy years of my life
stacked on top of one another
in a pile of mistaken identities.
I did countless hour specials
where I looked like a damn fool,
trying to be something I wasn't.
Ladies, who's a whore?
We all are. We just need to own it.
We're whores.
I'm ugly but I'm a whore.
[giggles] I'm a ugly whore.
I don't care.
Sometimes I feel like
everybody tripping but me.
It's go time!
[cheers and applause]
Go time!
I'm still tired, and I got
12 hours' sleep last night.
I'm still tired.
Who's tired?
Who's tired? Who's sleepy?
I am. I know I am.
[chuckles]
In all seriousness though,
who cares about anything?
[sighs] We'll all be dead soon.
But it was time to put everything else
behind me and start fresh.
I trained with the best
impression coach in the world.
De Niro.
Did you fuck my wife?
Killed it, but I still had to go
down Lombard Street.
At last, I made it to the venue...
San Francisco...
My hometown Bay Area,
the iconic Palace of Fine Arts.
An icon within an already-iconic city,
so it's like a double whammy
of iconography.
I was still so far from showtime.
First, I had to go through
a rigorous calibration
of the lighting environment on stage.
This is interesting.
This is interesting.
I don't know the terminology
you guys use. It's a little harsh.
It's hitting my eye a little... like, ow.
Pure fire.
But that wasn't all.
I also had to do a sound check.
Ladies!
I mean, it's pretty good.
I just want to make sure
it can take the volume
that I get to... like, what!
[heartbeat]
All that was left was for me
to hit my knees and pray to God
to thank Him for all the humility
He bestowed upon me...
and the supreme gift
He blessed me with.
I guess you could say
I'm a direct vessel of God.
It was time to hit the slats
with nothing but the clothes on my back.
I'm like a loaded weapon,
and my brain is the bullet.
- [audience clapping rhythmically]
- They were already clapping for me.
[chuckles] Me! Imagine that.
Okay, we're at places!
Stand by, lighting cue.
Spot 2, adjust your beams.
You're just off soft.
Spot 1, match spot 2.
We want more of a soft glow
around the talent!
Spot 1 and 2, follow me
out to my car.
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
the show's about to begin.
Please silence your cell phones.
No photos, no videos,
and do not approach the stage with gifts.
[gasps]
[security guard] Let's go.
[announcer]
And now, Chelsea Peretti!
[audience cheers and applauds]
Thank you so much
for coming out.
I'm just like you guys.
I'm also a huge fan of my work, and...
just really excited to see
what I'm gonna do up here...
uh, tonight.
I am one of the greats.
[audience laughs]
[giggles]
[audience cheers and applauds]
One of the top comedians
touring the country right now,
so it should be a great show.
[softly] You're a clown.
You're a clown. You're a clown.
I like to always get into
a stand-up... like,
a stand-up stance, you know?
Just... I always put my arm here
so you guys will be like, "Uh-oh."
[chuckles]
"Looks like this comedian's
probably gonna be telling it like it is."
I like to get you in the right zone.
Oh, no, I just wish
I was someone else.
Honestly, I do, all the time.
I wish I was a guy. You know what I mean?
I just want to feel what it
feels like to have male confidence,
like, just that feeling, like,
it just seems like
it must be so amazing, like...
My fantasy of what it's like to be a guy
is you wake up in the morning,
and your eyes open,
and you're like, "I'm awesome!"
[chuckles]
"People probably want to hear
what I have to say!"
Does that sound accurate?
"I'm probably gonna do
something great today."
I'm always doubting myself.
I'm like, gah-ah-ah, you know?
Male comedians
get to have so much fun.
They get to do stuff where they talk
about having sex with a girl.
They'll do a joke,
"Oh, I was having sex with this girl..."
They'll act it out on the stool.
Be like... [grunts]
"I was having sex with this girl.
I was fucking this girl. I was like..."
[exaggerated sexual noises]
They're like... they'll always use
the mic as their dick. They're like...
I'm always just so blown away
by their creativity.
I want in, you know?
So, I've been kind of working
on my own version of this classic bit...
where I just passively
take it from the stool.
So, in my version, um,
you know, I would be like,
"So, I was fucking this guy..."
[sighs]
"Then things got a little crazy."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] That's my take on a classic.
That's it. That's my take.
Thank you. Thanks.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Thank you, San Francisco.
I hate small talk. I really do.
I hate, like, getting to know people.
I hate all the little questions
you have to ask
to get to know someone.
If I'm making a new friend,
I just want to already be best friends.
Or dating, I just want
to already be deeply in love.
I don't want to have to trot through
all the getting-to-know-you questions.
"Oh, whereabouts do ya hail from?
Where do ya hail from?
I need answers!" Ugh, you know?
[shrilly] "Where?"
[normal voice] And then it's like, "Oh,
okay, yeah, I've never been to that town,
but I've been to a nearby town,
so I can kind of imagine." [screams]
I would like small talk
if it were socially acceptable
to make those sounds during it.
[audience laughs]
You're just like,
"Oh, your favorite color's purple?"
[screams]
Then I would love it.
I just hate that feeling
when you don't know someone,
and any little thing they say,
you have to stretch it out,
turn it into something.
They'll be like,
"Yeah, we had cats growing up.
We were a cat family."
And I'll be like,
"You guys were a cat family?
We were a dog family.
Uh-oh, uh-oh! Controversy!"
Then you find out you're not
that compatible as friends,
but you still run
into that random person
all over town at the local
smoothie shop, you know,
and you have to be, like,
"Oh, my God! You still exist!"
They'll always be, like,
"We should do lunch!"
The thing that people
who hate each other do.
"We should do lunch!"
I always push it a little bit
just to call their bluff.
I'm, like, "We should rent a car
and drive up the coast.
Let's buy some lumber
and learn how to build.
I just want to get to know you
through task-based projects."
Everyone's different, and
when you don't know each other well,
you can't read each other as well. Right?
Like, some people are big casual huggers.
They love to hug. They come
at you at a party... "Hey!"
It's annoying 'cause there's no...
I don't really like hugging that much.
Like, someone I'm not that into...
Like, I'll hug my lover
while he's inside me, you know?
For the duration,
but I'm not a big stranger hugger.
I don't really want your sweaty armpits
on top of my shoulder tops.
But there's no polite way
to turn it down.
Like if someone's coming in...
you can't just be like,
"Oh, no, thank you.
I've already hugged
someone today. Thank you."
But I kind of figured out a way
that you can thwart an unwanted hug.
When someone runs at you like this,
you just grab their hands
and you go, "Yay!"
I also have some little party tricks
sometimes I'll bust out, you know,
to lighten the mood at a party.
I'll go up to someone,
"Hey, let me show you a party trick.
Do you want to see a party trick?
Relax your arms. Relax your arms."
And then I'll just grab their neck
as hard as I can,
and squeeze it,
make lots of eye contact.
Just like, "I fucking hate parties."
I do, though.
They seem like they're
gonna be so fun, parties,
and then they're just so stressful.
Like dinner parties,
they seem... oh, dinner, food, friends.
But then you get there,
and it's so much pressure
to have a conversation,
and everyone's gotta pull their weight.
And ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba.
Da-da, da-da, oh, da-da.
Da-da, da-da, da-da.
Buh-ba, buh-ba.
Is that too reductive?
Then there's always that moment
where everyone runs out of shit to say,
and everyone's like...
[sighs deeply]
I will just panic and be like,
"How much money does
everyone make?"
[audience laughs]
"Who's adopted?" You know.
"Who's ad... let's find your parents."
Sometimes people will tell you, like,
"If you're... if you have social anxiety,
just try to imagine people naked."
And it's like... that sucks.
That's horrible advice.
Watch this, I'll do it.
[scared scream]
See? It's too distracting.
I read this woman's magazine,
and it said,
"If you feel nervous at parties,
here are some conversation starters."
One of the things was
"wear a funky necklace."
Wear a funky necklace,
and that'll help break the ice.
And I'm just like, "Why not go big?"
Why not just walk into a party
just dragging a dead dog?
[feigns crying]
You just kick the door open
at a house party. Boom!
[crying continues]
That will get lips a-flappin'.
People will be, like,
"Who is that girl?
How'd she get in here? How'd the dog die?
Why is she wearing a cape?"
[trills tongue]
[audience laughs]
I just got a dog.
I got a rescue.
- [applause]
- [chuckles] Thank you. Thank you.
I'm not that into the rescuer identity,
you know.
I feel like people who rescue dogs
are very mouthy about it.
They're like,
"He's a rescue! He's a rescue!
My dog is a rescue.
He would have been dead in a ditch.
Then I came along..."
You know?
"I'm his savior. I saved him."
I feel like you're kinda taking advantage
of the fact that your pet can't talk.
Just be like, "All right,
chill out though a little bit."
I wish I could text my dog.
That is so irritating to me,
that I could text everybody in my life
that I love except my dog.
And he would be the perfect person
to text 'cause he's always home.
Okay? He would always be available.
I could be uncomfortable
at a dinner party,
and just shoot him a text, like,
[high pitched]
"Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing, little cutie?"
And then, he'd write back
just like, "Nothing...
As per 'uzhe.' What about you?"
I'd just write back, "I feel awkward
at this party. I don't know what to do,"
and he'd just be like,
"Sniff people's butts."
I'd be like, "Dude, that's more
your thing. That's not something I do."
And he'd be like, "Oh, sorry,
I can't read your mind at all times.
I'm just trying to help out,
I'm sorry. I mean..."
[sighs]
"Why don't you just
lick your own butt
and then try to lick them right here,
like right inside their lip...
right... right there."
I'm like, "Dude, once again...
you're looking at my life
through the prism of your own experience.
It's, like, fucked up."
He's like, "All right,
what about try to go outside?
It's so fucking cool out there.
Even if you can just look out
a window for a second,
I promise you
there is shit you can see
that no one else can see, Chelsea."
I'm like, "Dude, fuck you." Click.
Then people are like, "Are you all right?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I just got
in a fight with this guy.
He's a dog."
He's well trained, though.
We trained him to always sit,
but on the 15th command. I think
he's able to count it out in his head.
He's very cute. He's very friendly.
He's not a super-aggressive dog.
Sometimes he'll try to act tough.
If a big dog's coming at him,
he'll be like... [barks]
Then he'll get on his hind legs
and look at me in the eyes, like,
"Pick me up. Pick me up. Pick me up."
Yes, it's everything I've ever wanted.
But you learn a lot about people
from how they are with their dogs.
There'll be some big huge dogs
staring at my dog
from a block away,
like his whole body locks up,
and then he's walking all stiff
toward my dog like this.
And then, the owner's, like,
"He's friendly.
He's friendly. He's friendly."
I'm like, "Bitch, no, he's not.
Please reconsider all your friendships.
That's not what 'friendly' looks like."
I hate that when
someone's just overconfident,
and it's in direct conflict with reality.
"He's friendly, he's friendly..."
'cause I'm so insecure I will start
to just accept whatever they say.
I just hate that confidence.
I one time was driving on the freeway,
and I saw an old man driving
on the shoulder of the road,
but he was going 80 miles an hour
and driving so confidently
that I was just like,
"That's a lane, I guess.
I guess it's a lane."
Sometimes when I get really intimidated
by someone's confidence,
I have this little thing I'll do.
When they're talking to me,
I'll interrupt them and be like,
"Have you been crying?"
Really works.
No matter where their head is at,
it really brings them
right back down to earth.
I feel like when girls
are super-confident,
walking around with confidence,
most of the time
it's 'cause they think they're hot.
Most of time...
"I'm hot. This is my world."
And I don't relate to that because that's
just never been my full identity.
When I was a kid, for example,
the girls that I'm talking about,
they were princesses
for Halloween every year.
They were like,
"I'm a princess. I'm Pocahontas.
I'm a rainbow," you know?
I realized the other day
that one year as a child
for Halloween, I was an old man.
Okay?
I had some stringy gray hair,
and my dad's old suit.
I was like, "Let's do this!
I am the shit!"
Everyone was like, "You're weird."
I was a tarantula one year, okay?
Just painting the scene, okay?
And then me and these girls,
we go off in different directions
our whole lives,
out into orbit, you know?
And then, when your lives
intersect later,
it can be very strange
because super-hot girls
don't understand regular girls' lives,
so they'll give you very shitty
dating advice, for example.
They'll be like, [mimicking] "Okay,
he's playing you hot and cold.
Okay, all right. Let me think.
Okay, Chelsea. All right,
I know what you can do.
Okay, just ignore him. Just ignore him
for a little bit. Trust me, okay?
Just ignore him, Chelsea,
for a little bit."
[normal voice] It's like, "All right,
I haven't heard from him in five months.
Thanks for the hot tip."
I'm not saying I'm ugly.
I hate when female comedians are like,
"I'm ugly. I'm garbage."
I'm just saying that, like,
when I get super-dolled-up,
the best I can hope for is someone like,
"Maybe she's a philanthropist."
[echoing] Chelsea.
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to turn yourself
into a punch line.
You don't have to turn
all your feelings into jokes.
And I don't want
to shit on hot girls either.
Whatever, that's cool.
You're beautiful, great.
And there's actually amazing things
that they're doing right now online.
A lot of super-beautiful girls, they'll...
They'll put a picture
of their face online,
but they'll scrunch up their face
and stick their tongue out, like...
You know?
And I'm always so floored
by their realness.
So inspiring to be
so vulnerable with society.
There's also a very powerful
movement going on right now
on the Internet that,
you know, women are kind of,
coalition building in a very cool way.
I'm talking about
the hashtag "no makeup." Um...
You can search it if you don't believe me,
but some brave women are mustering up
all their courage,
and they will post a photo
onto the Internet in which they
are wearing no makeup whatsoever.
I'm serious.
But when they post the photos,
they'll always make a big announcement.
In the caption, they'll be like,
[mimicking]
"In the following photograph,
I, Cassandra...
am not wearing any makeup!"
Then the whole Internet is like...
[British accent]
"Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Oh, good lady,
your bravery is unparalleled.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
We thank you, Cassandra.
Please check your DMs."
It just annoys me too
because in the no-makeup photos,
they never fully look shitty.
Like they're always still in the splits,
in a bikini or something
like, "No makeup!"
It's like, partial credit.
And then the guys
fall for it every time.
It's a thirst trap, it's a trick.
And there's always some guy
riding into the comments on a horse
like he's the Lone Ranger,
he's like...
[imitates Western film music]
He tips his leather hat. He's, like,
"Dear Cassandra, I actually think
you look better without makeup."
[imitates grunting]
Cassandra is like,
[mimicking] "Thank you, thank you.
Mission accomplished.
Thank you."
If you really want to piss off
a really hot girl,
like a model-hot girl,
go onto her social media,
find a photo where she looks smoking hot,
and you're just a regular girl.
Go onto her comments and just be like,
"People say I look just like you."
[audience cheers and applauds]
She'll be like, "No!"
Do you know that women
Botox their armpits?
This is an actual thing.
It's not to make them
look youthful, you know.
"Hi, everyone, same old me."
It's actually to stop them
from sweating,
because why would you,
you know, as a human?
But the reason I know about it
is I met a girl who did it,
and she was like, "It worked.
I did stop sweating
out of my armpits,
but I started sweating
out of my butthole."
So, I'm... uh...
Is that a good trade?
Like, kind of a deal with the devil.
Then I'm imagining the guy
that sees her out somewhere
and is just like...
"Oh, ho, ho, ho."
He's like... [constricted laughter]
He's like, [surfer voice]
"She is so fucking hot.
Her armpits are bone-fucking-dry...
just like I always dreamed of."
Then he's like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
That's him slipping on her butt sweat.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
He's like, "I'm so drawn to you,
but I can't get near you!
This is a whole new kind
of juicy booty."
[audience cheers and applauds]
He's a surfer.
That's his profession.
Why just because you go
onto the ocean on a thingy...
do you have a dialect?
Why just 'cause you have
an athletic skill set,
do you laugh like...
[constricted laughter]
It's like, "Just stop making
such a tight circle with your mouth...
and then more laugh sounds
could get out."
You're my favorite
female comedian, Chelsea!
Thank you.
Women lie about their age.
That's very complicated,
actually, if you think about it.
Lying about your age,
it's like you have to remember
a different birthday,
which would already
be impossible for me.
You have to remember the music
that was popular at a time
just before or after
you were listening to it,
I don't even know the direction.
I would always mess it up like,
"I love to sock hop,
I mean Tyler, The Creator.
I don't know, I'm old."
Just give up. Again, I feel like
if you're gonna create
this whole alternate reality,
do something cool with it,
like walk into a cafe by your house
and just be like...
"Huh." [chuckles]
"My God.
I haven't been here in 128 years.
Ain't nothing changed. My God."
Your friends are like,
"What? How fucking old are you?"
And then you get to be like...
[smug chuckling]
Uh-uh-uh...
Do you guys think it's worse to wear
a Fedora or kill 15 people?
Be honest.
Sometimes masculinity is so silly.
Just the idea that
because you're born a guy,
you have to be like, "I'm tough.
I'm tough. I'm putting my foot down.
I'm tough."
When you guys stomp,
do your balls wiggle?
Are you like, "I said no!"
[trills]
It'd take some of
the intimidation out of it.
And it's like girls
have reputations for being
into the dumbest stuff,
like purses, shoes, or whatever.
What are guys into?
Also stupid stuff, like architecture,
literature, politics.
Motorcycles.
Motorcycles are very silly to me.
I feel like, why not
just unzip your pants,
and pull your balls out,
and then just walk around town
banging pots and pans, just like...
Like that's a DIY motorcycle.
Everyone's like,
"Oh, okay, he's a guy."
Men love Daniel Day-Lewis.
That's a real obsession.
They love him, right?
It's like, I don't fully...
I've sat beside multiple guys
in Daniel Day-Lewis movies
where they're just crying silently
the whole movie, and I'm like,
like, to me it's like
I'm watching a poem for men.
I don't understand it fully.
To me, every movie he's in
he's just like, "You are my son!"
Like, that was a dead-on impression.
I feel like men, they connect with it
'cause it's like a male fantasy.
They're like,
"What if I was that masculine?
What if I had greasy black hair,
and I was incoherent?"
You know?
It's like the Marlboro Man.
It's the same reason
that men love Breaking Bad.
They love that show
because it's a fantasy.
You're like, "Oh, if I got cancer,
I could probably rule the ghetto."
It's like, "No, you'd probably
just die of cancer. Similar."
[giggles]
I just wish that we didn't always
have to live out our fantasies
through TV and movies.
I wish we could have a little more
of our real feelings and fantasies
in our day-to-day life,
and we didn't always have to be like,
"How are you?"
"I'm good, thank you."
Like... I always want to just go
to one of my friends' houses
when I know they're home,
and just throw a brick through the window.
Hear me out.
Just for that moment where there's
that shattered glass hole,
to see my friend's head pop into it.
Like this. And then
I'm on the other side like,
"JK! Just kidding."
Just, like, shake it up a little bit.
Or when people are standing
outside of a movie theater,
and after the movie,
kinda talking or whatever,
I always wanna go up to them and be like,
[shrill voice] "Guys, we do need
to keep this area clear, okay?"
[normal voice] 'Cause I feel like
they'd be like, "All right.
That's that awful voice we listen to."
I hate that. How does
that voice count as polite?
[shrill voice]
"Okay, guys! We do need..."
It's like you have so much
hatred in your voice.
Just 'cause you're smiling,
that shouldn't count as polite.
You should have to use
the word "bitches"
in every sentence if you have
that much hate in your voice.
Just like, "Okay, bitches, we do
need to keep this area clear.
Thank you, bitches."
[audience laughs]
It's cool to do a show in San Francisco.
We've been traveling all over
on this tour leading up to this, and...
[cheers and applause]
I can safely say that
San Francisco audiences
are the best audiences
in the country.
[cheers and applause]
[vacuum cleaner roaring]
Does that have to happen right now?
Or could you turn it off?
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It is funny though, like traveling...
I'm a pretty good traveler.
I did get sick once.
I try to avoid getting sick,
and by that I mean throwing up.
I hate throwing up so much.
I come from a shit family, like...
You know there's two kinds of families.
There's vomit families
and there's shit families.
And the way you can tell
which one you're from
is when you were a little kid
and you felt sick,
did your parents tell you
to shit or to vomit?
That's how you can tell.
We were a shit family.
So, I hate vomiting.
But this particular early morning flight,
I drank this green smoothie at the airport
that they had prepackaged,
and it tasted...
[audience gasping]
Oh, my God.
That is the most fucking
Bay Area response imaginable.
You're like, "No! Fuck that.
Make 'em fresh, blend 'em up.
[cheers and applause]
Organic only."
Yes, I know, but that was
what was available,
I'm sorry. I had to do it.
So, I got this pre-made green smoothie,
and it tasted garlicky,
and I was like,
"That's weird," you know.
But it was 5:00 in the morning,
so I drank half of it,
and then I was like,
"I'm not drinking this."
Then I get on the flight.
It's a short flight,
and during the descent,
I start feeling like...
[groaning violently]
But I'm just sitting still,
but that's the feeling.
I'm like, "Oh, fuck,
oh, fuck, oh, fuck."
I start feeling that
lip sweat. I'm like...
[groaning weakly]
"Oh, no. Oh, no."
And I know I seem like
a rule breaker and a rebel,
but the little "fasten seatbelt"
light was on,
so I was like, "I can't get up.
Teacher will be mad."
So I'm just sitting there,
and I'm like...
and everyone around me
is acting like nothing is happening
'cause they're all guys, so they're like,
"This would involve feelings."
So, I'm like, "Ugh." I'm looking
for the flight attendant.
She's already strapped in
in the back of the aircraft,
just like a little hateful dot
in the distance,
just emanating beams
of hatred as they do,
and I'm like... [groaning]
to no avail.
So, I pull the seat pocket open,
looking for the little vomit bag
that's on every flight
except this one.
In this case,
it was not on this flight.
So, while I did have
the seat pocket open,
I just went ahead and...
[imitates vomiting]
I'm sorry to my family!
And of course, the guy
next to me is just like,
"There's my light,
okay, okay, there it is.
It works, it goes on and off,
that's great."
So the flight lands,
and I'm like, "I have to tell her.
I can't just walk off,"
'cause it was going
to another location after that.
And I'm a good person,
which I like to tell people.
And so, I walk back
and I'm like, "Hey, girl.
Uh...
Hey, beautiful.
There is a pile of vomit
with my DNA in it,
and your name written all over it."
And as I'm talking to her,
I have that awful taste in my mouth,
so I'm like... [imitates spitting]
I spit in the sink, and she's like,
"Why would you do that?"
And I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
I just... I was... I'm disoriented.
If you could just have
some compassion..."
And she was like,
"If you only knew.
I'm one of the most
compassionate people."
I was like,
"When do you bust that out?
I'd love to interact with that."
I was on another flight
that had an emergency landing.
That was terrifying.
Here's how that goes down,
if you've never lived through it.
There's a little PA announcement,
they're like... [imitates ding]
"Are there any doctors on the flight?
Are there any doctors on the flight?
Please come to the front
of the aircraft."
And then you see a few people
start walking down the aisle,
and you're like,
"Oh, they must be doctors."
Then you hear,
"We're good on nurses."
That's borderline disrespectful...
to the entire nursing industry.
Pretty soon they're just like,
"Anybody want to see a dead body?"
Anyway, it's cool.
It sucks that we can't
just walk everywhere.
I wish we could walk everywhere.
We're so dependent on so many
technologies, you know what I mean?
Look... [chuckles]
case in point.
[giggles shrilly]
Are you guys silly?
[audience laughs]
[Chelsea giggles]
I'm, like... at this point,
I'm so addicted
to so many different websites,
and apps, and things.
I'm honestly thankful
when I'm in the shower.
You know what I mean?
Just the relief
of not refreshing anything for...
You know, aside from
the obvious nooks and crannies.
[audience laughs]
Cricks and cracks.
But there is some really cool stuff
that we get to experience
in this day and age that our grandparents
never got to experience...
like that feeling you get
when one of your friends
leaves their phone
or their laptop unattended,
and they do not have
a password on it, like a dummy.
My friend did this recently,
and I saw his phone, and I was like...
[gasps]
I was filled with adrenaline.
It's what I imagine
hunting and gathering felt like.
I was just like... [gasps]
"But this could sustain
my spirit for two weeks!"
I went onto his phone.
I was just like... went onto Twitter.
I'm like, "My dick hurts."
Then I was just like...
[humming triumphant tune]
I went onto Facebook.
I was like, "My dick hurts."
[chuckles]
'Cause I wanted it to be
cross-platform, you know?
I didn't know if they were linked.
And then I got to sit there
and watch the comments roll in...
People just like,
"Dude, what's up with your dick?
We're worried about you."
Our grandparents
never got to do that.
Do you guys think that comments...
Internet comments are a good thing,
pushing society in an even better
and greater direction?
It's a leading question.
It's just weird that any news story
that goes online,
it's like any shithead can just write
[grunts] "Here's my thoughts."
I wonder how is that
gonna affect our society?
How is it gonna shape things?
I think about a young
comedian starting now,
anything they do is gonna go online,
and it's gonna be a million people
at every stage of their development,
giving them instant feedback.
How's that gonna affect
their artistic journey?
Imagine if some of
the great minds of the past
had been around
during comment culture.
If Einstein had been
a young scientist,
you know, maybe
he would have posted
a little theorem up on
some science website, you know,
just like, "E equals...
I'm not sure yet." You know.
And then the first comment would
have been like, "What's up, Jew-fro?!
You Jew-ass bitch!
Jew, Jew, Jew, bitch,
Jew, bitch, Jew."
Einstein would have just
been like, "Oh, I'm not gonna
do science anymore.
It's too hurtful."
Just pack up his little beakers
and hit the road.
Maybe get a job at Kiehl's.
[giggles]
Did he use beakers?
I don't know.
Like, what did he do?
He invented wing sauce?
It's weird there's so much
interactivity now.
I was on Twitter,
and someone tweeted to me,
and they're, like,
"Get your thyroid checked."
And it threw my entire day
into a complete ball of chaos.
I'm like, "What? Why?"
That's not even someone being hateful.
That's someone who's concerned for you.
So, I'm Googling symptoms. It's like,
"Bug eyes." I'm like, "Aah! Aah!"
And sometimes you're just gonna
see shitty stuff online...
Like my friends in... who are also
entertainers, they'll be like,
"Don't search yourself.
It's all shitty stuff.
That's just what the Internet is,
and blah-blah-blah."
But sometimes I have to do it.
Sometimes I just...
'cause it's my version of cutting.
Like I just...
I need to feel something sometimes.
And one time I did,
and I found this caricature
that someone had drawn of me,
and I don't know if you can imagine
what feature they may have exaggerated,
but it wasn't my big heart.
I'm looking at it and I'm just like,
"You know what?"
And I got in the comments.
I was just like, "Hey,
I hope you and everyone
who liked this dies."
And, uh, the artist got back to me
really quickly, and he was like,
[French accent] "I don't understand.
How could you say such a thing?"
Like he wasn't French,
but that was his energy.
I'm like, "All right,
take it down a notch.
You're definitely
at a state fair right now."
Not to be a dick, but I'm just saying,
is that really art?
Can you call it art if someone
can guess what you're gonna do
every single time you set pen to paper?
Like, no one's going,
"Oh, what's he gonna do
with this girl with the buck teeth?
It's a real wait-and-see."
Being a caricature artist,
that's basically like,
"Did you hear about the school bully?
Yeah, he's an artist now.
Yeah, he's turned
a new leaf, kind of."
And the guy was like,
"You're not that nice, either.
You said you hope we all die."
I'm like, "All right, fair point.
I hope you live forever
as a caricature artist."
[chuckles]
"That is my wish."
- Do you guys text and drive?
- [audience whoops]
[sighs] It's really hard not to.
That's another thing.
It's like, we have this technology.
It's so hard not to use it, right?
If you're driving to brunch to meet
your friend, it's a 40-minute drive,
you get a text from that friend,
you see it, you're not gonna be like,
"I'll just wait till I get there
to see if brunch is canceled."
It's like... it's hard not to.
And then you have those
texting and driving PSAs
that are fucking terrifying, right?
They're like, "This is the last thing
Johnny ever texted
before he crashed and died,"
you know.
And then it's like, "'Sup?!"
And it's like, "Was it worth it?"
It's like, "Oh, my God, no.
No, it wasn't."
Nothing we ever text
is worth dying over.
Unless, I mean...
I'm just thinking there is
some scenario like,
imagine your friend's being stalked, and the
murderer... you know what he looks like.
You're driving by her house
like 40 miles an hour.
You see that guy running like this.
He's running up
her steps like... [trills]
And you don't have time to stop,
so you're like,
"Dude, the guy that's trying to kill you
is running up your steps"...
Then it's like, I don't know.
Now we've got a dialogue.
[chuckles]
Now we can reopen that file.
We'll all die of it.
But I just wish...
I just wish they would have a little...
Just a titch more levity
with that whole ad campaign.
Like, if just one out of a hundred
of these PSAs,
the last thing the guy texted
was a dick pic?
So, it's like, "This is the last thing
Patrick ever texted before he died."
Then it's just a dick.
And then it's like,
"Was it worth it?!"
And then his ghost
is just like, "Yes!
It was worth it."
He high-fives the camera.
"Uh!
I needed her to see it!"
Felt strongly about it.
Anytime I see a dick pic
and receive one
from all across this great nation...
what I think about is
what brought the guy to that point.
Like I just think about
the whole process, you know?
Not thinking about just the result,
I'm thinking about him
taking down his pleated khakis...
Something got him riled up,
the pleats are popping, you know?
I see him unzipping,
and then I'm imagining
he's not just taking one photo,
and then he's done, you know?
I'm imagining it's gonna
be a series of photos,
so he's getting
different angles and whatever.
Pretty soon, he's got
a phone full of dicks.
Then I'm imagining him scrolling through
a bunch of dicks, going like,
[imitating Evil Queen]
"Ooh, come to me, my pretty.
Who is the fairest dick in the land?"
And then, I don't know, there's
something kind of gay about it.
I just feel like it's kind of gay.
I just feel like, even if you're a guy,
liking a girl is kind of gay,
you know what I mean?
Like, we wear pink,
and we like to smell like flowers.
It's like, "Suck a dick!"
[woman] Whoo!
I am in love. [giggles]
No, it's nice.
It's nice. It's, um...
[sighs] I don't like
to talk about who I'm seeing
because he's also in entertainment,
but like, first name, Denzel, and he's...
He's really cool, you know?
He's good to me.
I don't know. I'm just glad...
I'm glad I'm not
on the market anymore.
I love it 'cause I remember
talking to people,
and just like... this one guy
would be like getting to know me,
and he's like,
"Do you consider yourself
to be a positive
or a negative person?"
I'm like, "Oh, you stumped me,"
you know?
"I'm gonna go negative
because I hate the question so much."
And then, there are just
so many little things
that will turn me off with someone,
just the littlest thing.
I remember that guy
smiling at one point,
and I could hear his smile.
Like he smiled, it was like...
[tinks]
[laughs]
I was like, "Ah!"
Like, "Drink water!
Please drink a beverage!"
That shouldn't be happening.
That's a medical problem.
I shouldn't be able
to hear it when you smile.
I definitely shouldn't be able to have
my back to you and be like, "Whoa"...
"What are you smiling about,
ya silly Billy?"
Or someone just rolling a paint roller...
in a tray that has about
one to two drops of paint in it.
Which is it?
Yeah, there's a lot of weird
kinds of guys now,
like there's new genres
of guys, I feel like.
I'm not sure I'm into the "sensitive guy"
thing that's happening,
you know, the kind of guys
that are wearing these exact pants.
You know, like they walk
into your coffee shop...
and they're wearing a ratty cardigan
and tortoiseshell spectacles,
and you're just like,
"Oh, good afternoon,
Professor 20-year-old." You know?
I'm not sure I'm into that. I feel like
for me to see a guy be super-sensitive
and find that attractive...
Like to see a guy cry and find it hot,
the way he'd have
to cry is just like...
He can't even put his arms
down 'cause he's so jacked.
And the way he cries is just like...
[goofy crying]
Like he's almost confused
by what feelings are.
"What's happening to my face?
Why'd I kill so many bears?"
That's the kind of stuff he's up to.
Like Channing Tatum, you know?
Ronnie from Jersey Shore,
Channing Tatum, that's my...
[sighs]
Like Magic Mike...
Did you guys see that?
- [audience whooping]
- Yes!
One of the best American films
of our century.
I did love it, though.
It was such a
pice de rsistance performance.
Um...
And I'm extremely religious,
and extremely politically conservative,
but I saw that movie,
I'm like, "I want to fuck
Channing Tatum on camera
in front of his wife
and my boyfriend, our families."
He just brings out that kind
of openness and vulnerability.
I never had that much luck
with Jewish guys.
I don't know,
I just feel like, you know...
Some of you are gonna disagree,
some are gonna agree...
It's kind of a stereotype
but it is one of those ones that's true.
They definitely do really want
to fuck their moms really hard.
Don't get uncomfortable.
Just be like, "Oh, yeah, that's true."
You know what I mean?
It is true, and we just have to accept it.
And I think that
that tension of that taboo
is honestly what causes
all the earthquakes in California.
I'm serious. I feel like if...
Why don't we just make a day
where it doesn't count, okay?
Hear me out. We just make one day
where we're like,
"We're not looking, go, go, go.
No one's gonna judge you.
No one's gonna wag their finger.
Just do it. It's not gonna count."
And I actually think
that would make a great movie,
like Hall Pass or something, you know?
And I want to pitch it
to a Hollywood executive,
and just feel that out,
but I feel pretty sure that
that executive would be like,
"Um, Chelsea, we're not
gonna make this movie,
but I am gonna fuck my mom.
That sounds incredible."
Do you guys know
that it's illegal to make jokes
about the Holocaust in Germany?
Isn't that funny?
Like, to me, that's such a fascist
approach to anti-Semitism.
It's like, "You guys
have learned nothing.
What are you doing?
Hit the books."
I always wanted to be...
Tolerance books.
I always wanted to be
in one of those Holocaust movies
where it's like
there's the beautiful Jewess
who can pass for German.
And I want to play her.
So, it's just me with my exact face,
but in a blonde wig.
And I'm just walking around,
hanging out with Hitler and his friends,
and like, I see a Jew.
I'm like, "Shh!"
[giggles]
They're like, "What?"
Everyone watching the movie is like,
"This is miscast. I'm furious."
"Shh."
I was talking to my friend,
and he was like,
"Hitler was a good speaker."
I'm like, "What are you
doing right now?"
Like, do you think Hitler's ghost
is sad somewhere like,
[whiny voice]
"Did I do anything right? Wah...
I feel like a failure."
You're throwing him a bone like,
"Here you go, Hitsy." You know?
It's like, of course
he was a good speaker.
That's part of being a dictator
and creating a genocide environment.
You can't just walk out like...
[constricted laughter]
[surfer voice] "All right, you guys.
What we're gonna do,
depending on the vibe...
is grab a gypsy if you feel like it.
Blue-sky thinking,
but maybe kill all Jews.
I don't know. Feel it out."
Everyone would be leaving...
Just like, "Mmm, Hitler, you suck."
Just tearing off their armband
like it's a shitty music festival.
Why are old maps always burnt?
Have you ever noticed that like
every map you see from the olden times
is always burnt all around
the edges and in the middle?
Where did they used
to store their maps at?
They're like, "This is our cooking pit
slash map storage unit."
[baby voice] You guys know
what I'm talking about,
- don't you?
- [barks]
Don't you know?
Don't you know?
So, yeah, I'm in love.
I'm in love.
Just trying to keep leading you guys
back to being okay with that,
'cause when I said it
the first time, you're like...
"We're really not here for love. Um...
we're here to laugh at your pain."
[audience laughs]
[Chelsea laughs]
Anyway, I don't know.
I wanna like...
Now I'm in love, so it's like I gotta
figure out, "Okay, now what?" Right?
The whole rest of our lives stretch ahead.
Do we get [shrill voice] married?
Married?
[normal voice] I feel like
marriage needs re-branding.
Do you know what I mean? It's like,
[shrill voice] "We're married.
This is a marriage.
I'm his wife, and he is my husband.
Wife, husband, marriage."
[normal voice] I just feel like...
I like the idea of soul mates,
like being together forever,
or like Bonnie and Clyde, like,
kill people and die, you know?
But I don't know about marriage.
The only really cool example
I have is my grandparents.
They were married 50 years, okay?
They had this beautiful marriage.
They worked their way up from nothing,
they built their dream house,
they had a garden together.
She grew roses, he grew vegetables.
It's a beautiful marriage.
And then I always tried
to ask her questions about it
to get some insight,
like how can I have
that kind of longevity
and that compatibility, you know.
And my grandmother will tell this story
where she's just like,
"Well, the day we got married...
Grandpa was driving
away from the church,
and I remember looking
at his hand on the wheel,
and thinking, 'I don't know this man.'"
I'm like, what?
That's the story you're passing down
to the next generation?
What am I supposed to do with that?
Just marry a stranger?
Also that's a pretty shitty story.
It has no beginning, middle, or end.
It's just, you were looking at an arm.
But she's told it to me like 25 times.
"I don't know this man."
I'm like, "What is happening?"
And they had this great marriage, and then
it's like, okay... then he passed away.
So now, even though they had
this long, great marriage,
now she kind of wanders
around her house... she's like,
"Well, guess I better
go turn that light off.
Then I'll go round back
and turn that light off.
I don't know
how all the lights got on!"
[chuckles]
We got her a dog.
We're like, "Here, take this."
She named it Buffy after
the Vampire Slayer, which is cute.
- [applause]
- Yeah!
All my Buffy heads.
But it's weird 'cause she projects
all her own nonsense onto the dog.
The dog's just like,
"Yay, I'm a puppy!"
And she's like,
"Buffy don't want to go outside.
Buffy's tired."
Buffy's like, "Let's go, come on!
Let's go, I'm a dog!"
She's like,
"Buffy don't want to play.
Buffy's feeling morose today.
Buffy's been
off her meds for months."
We're like, "Uh, Grandma,
we still talking about Buffy?"
My dad, he's at the opposite end
of the spectrum.
He's on his third wife now, so...
[sighs] Yeah, cool.
Um...
I don't know if you've
ever attended a third wedding,
but there is kind of
a different feel to it...
maybe a titch less whimsy.
You kind of walk in, you're like,
"All right, hey, everyone!
Same seats, or...
we gonna switch it up?"
Just eating cake like,
"Dad, dare I say,
this cake is even better
than all them other cakes."
My dad's Italian
and my mom's Jewish,
then he was married to a black woman
from when I was one until I left home.
Now he's married to an Indian woman
for his golden years,
so it's really been
just a whirlwind of scents,
and spices, and silks, and colors.
It's been like some sort of a strange
foreign exchange program
that just kind of revolves
around my father's penis.
My black stepmother,
which is what we used to call her...
She used to do my hair
when I was a little girl,
and she would always
call me tender-headed.
She'd be like,
"Chelsea, stop moving!
You are so tender-headed!"
I'd be like, "Well, I'm really
just more of a white person.
We kind of have
a two-barrette maximum...
on what we're up to with barrettes.
Please stop sending me to school
looking like Katt Williams.
I'd like to do
an impression of my dad,
but I don't have a newspaper
and five hours to spare.
I was so excited when this show
was put in The Chronicle,
'cause I was like, "He will have
to acknowledge my existence."
Don't feel sad. Don't be sad.
Um...
I'm always looking for just examples
of happily married people...
You know, just to see someone like,
"Oh, that looks awesome."
Like, looking for clues
in society all the time,
and how do people make it
work and be fun.
Like, I'll watch the "housewives"
reality shows, um...
just looking
for a morsel of inspiration.
I remember when those shows
first started airing, like 18 years ago,
I remember being like,
"Oh, my God."
I forgot being a housewife
was still an option for women.
I was like, "Fuck,
I should have done that!"
I took a wrong turn.
That is so awesome.
Someone else works
and then you do not work?
Like, why did women ever stop
doing that on any level?
Why did we phase that out?
Just out of dignity?
I'm not trying to be rude.
If any of you guys are housewives,
I'm sure it's a lot of work, but...
[audience cheers and applauds]
"You should be paid a wage."
No, but sometimes I look at...
friends of friends on Facebook,
and just kind of observe
their lives to see...
Do I want any of that?
Is there anything I can cherry-pick
out of those lives,
toss it into my life
and make it a better life?
A friend of a friend just posted like
500 engagement photos on Facebook.
It was a photoset of 500 photos.
I'm not exaggerating.
It's like that wedding portraiture,
where it's just like, two assholes
back to back in the woods, just like...
[laughing shrilly]
"To the future!"
I'm just obsessed
with the entire photoset.
I'm just like, "Next, next, next, next,
more, more, more, more."
Every photo, they were just like...
[giggles shrilly]
"Uh-oh, it's us again."
[trills]
This same girl on Facebook,
all her posts and all her updates
are about her husband.
That's all she seems
to write or think about,
but she doesn't call him her husband,
which would be awesome,
and she doesn't call him by his name,
which would also be great.
She calls him by a word
that I really feel is one
of the more disgusting words
in the English language.
She calls him her "hubby,"
which, to me is on par
with the "N" word. Like let's...
Let's eradicate both.
All her updates, she's just like,
"My hubby made breakfast.
My hubby fixed the door.
My hubby is sleeping.
He breathed in, he breathed out.
He breathed in, he breathed out."
I just keep waiting
for the day where she is like,
"My hubby shot himself in the face!
His letter said he missed his name...
which I just found out is Steven.
Missing my hub like a mug."
You have to be so patient
to be a parent, you know?
My friend, her kid...
We were in the park hanging out,
and her kid tangled up his kite string,
and she's sitting there with it for
40 minutes like, "Okay, baby, I got it.
Over and under.
It's okay, baby. I got it."
And he's just watching, like...
And I'm watching this whole operation,
and thinking if that was me,
I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
we have to throw away your kite!
Oh, you loved it. Aw..."
[chuckles]
[nasally voice] "That is awful.
I feel so bad."
[normal voice] I just want a life that
has passion. I don't know. [sighs]
I just want excitement.
I want to be a good person. I want to be
a good adult, have a solid life, but
I also want passion and unpredictability.
Not like Jodi Arias level,
but like something.
Are you guys following that...
The Jodi Arias?
[scattered applause]
Cool. [giggles]
Me too. Me too.
How crazy,
we have that in common.
Um, no... it's an interesting one, right?
First of all, it's like,
you know, she's a woman,
and murder is mostly a man's game,
so it's like she kind of
broke a glass ceiling in a way.
It's like... I don't know.
Feminism is so complicated.
But it's an interesting case
because... [sighs]
allegedly, she stabbed him a bunch...
It's her ex-boyfriend...
She stabbed him a bunch of times,
then slit his throat from ear to ear,
then she shot him.
It's like, "Mmm, pick a thing," you know.
In that regard, she really
was like a typical girl,
where she's like,
[mimicking] "I can't decide.
I'll have all the desserts."
Well, congratulations, guys, on you all
just coming out of your houses tonight.
That's so hard to do, isn't it?
[applause]
So hard.
I hate leaving my house.
I'm always amazed when people do it.
I'm the happiest
when I'm just on my couch,
under my blankets,
just all cozied up
with just my laptop,
and my iPhone, and my iPad,
and my pee jars everywhere.
Just playing bongos
on my pee jars.
Happy as a clam
in my little kingdom.
Do you ever do one chore,
and then celebrate that for ten years?
Or you have a pile of dirty dishes
in the sink in the next room,
and you hear water, one drop
drop into it, just like, "Bloop."
And you're like, "I know!" That's my
kind of household, but I love it.
Sometimes I feel like if these
walls could talk, they'd be like,
"Bitch, you're back in bed again?"
I'd be like, "Shut up, walls!
You're boring, too."
[chuckling] I do hate it.
I hate leaving my house
'cause I have to pee constantly,
and I hate asking people...
I hate asking people,
[nasally] "May I use your restroom?"
I hate that, like,
[shrilly] "Please, may I?"
[normal voice] It's just so humiliating
to ask a business to use their restroom.
And I pee all the time.
I told my friend that. I'm like,
"I pee all the time,"
and he's like,
"You're a frequent urinator?"
I'm like, "Um, don't put
a medical flair to it.
I pee a lot, okay?"
And he's like, "Is it sticky pee?
Like, is it like syrup?"
I'm like, "No, motherfucker."
How crazy would I have to be
that I have sticky pee,
and I'm just walking the earth...
Like I'm just like,
"Uh-huh. Yeah, I do,
I have sticky pee. Why, what's up?
What's up?
What's up?
What is it?
What's on your mind?
What's the deal?
My pee... yeah,
it's like molasses, why?
Why do you ask?
Just wondering why you ask."
You know. It's like...
if I had molten pee,
like, I would be
in an ambulance right now.
I don't like peeing in public.
I hate that feeling of like,
someone being so close to you.
I don't know if you guys do this,
but I will actually tilt
and try to pee on the side
of the toilet bowl
'cause it flattens it and then
it's seamlessly injected
into the toilet water,
completely silently.
And then no one can ever know
how forceful my pee stream is.
That's too much intel for a stranger.
They're like,
"Chelsea pees like a horse."
It's like, no.
Putting my foot down.
I just panic... like, what if I let go,
and it's that kind of lawn-sprinkler pee,
you know, that pulsating...
Where it's like...
[makes whooshing sounds]
Then all of a sudden, you gotta
make a joke to your stallmate.
You're like...
[forced laughter]
"Club music!"
I can't take this stress.
Like, I'd rather just hold it.
I don't even like eating
in front of people.
That stresses me out,
to be honest with you.
I hate the feeling... I don't want
to eat on a business lunch,
and I don't want to eat on a first date.
It's an animal thing...
I can't chew confidently, like...
[imitates chewing]
You know? My instinct as an animal,
when I see meat on a plate,
I just want to pick it up
and then just drag it off down
into a dark hole somewhere, just...
[makes gnawing sounds]
That's how I think
restaurants should be,
just jet black with dirt holes
around the perimeter.
Just like throw a pan in there.
My ideal eating situation
is just me in a ditch with a buffet in it.
Okay? With no one around for miles,
just the wind and the treetops.
I'm just naked. I'm just like,
"Mmm. Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp,
cake, cake, cake.
Shrimp cake, why not?" [grunts]
And I'm not saying this
in a Cathy cartoon way.
I'm saying this
in a River Monsters way, okay?
A Game of Thrones feast.
That's how I want to eat.
Just like Sizzler
right when the apocalypse hits.
That would be my absolute dream.
I don't like eating bananas in public.
That is so stressful if you're a girl.
It's so annoying 'cause
it's such a portable, good snack,
but if you're a girl
and you want to eat a banana
on the bus or wherever you may be,
all of a sudden
you're in the position of like,
how do I de-dick
this delicious treat,
so that I may enjoy it
without people imagining me
blowing them, you know?
So, I have a system again,
and I think a lot of us do this.
What you do is you peel it, right?
Then you break a piece off, right?
Then you mash it up
in your palm into a paste,
and you push it up
between your fingers and eat it like...
[trills]
[laughs]
[trills]
Right, ladies?
'Cause you don't want it
to look sexual.
That's a no-no in society.
I actually just got some bad news.
I just found out I'm allergic
to gluten-free food, so it's a nightmare.
It's gonna be hard
to eat in this century.
Do you guys know...
Speaking of pigging out,
do you know that
a female pig's orgasm
lasts supposedly for 30 minutes?
Ask your mom.
That's a great spirit in here.
Honestly, sometimes,
I look out at the audience,
and I'm just like,
"Fuck, I wish I was you." You know?
Just sitting there
totally just like, "What's next?"
You know, just totally relaxed,
just watching a genius, you know.
Just seems like a fun time.
Do you guys ever fantasize
about having a job
other than your own shitty job?
Like, for me, I do it all the time.
For me, what my fantasy job is...
is to be a florist.
I really feel in my heart of hearts,
if I was a florist,
I would be happy all the time.
It would just be 24/7 nirvana,
and I would always have my hair
just kind of loosely piled
on my head, you know,
with just some chopsticks through it,
and just long skirts
and bangle bracelets, just like...
[imitates clinking]
And then I would talk to all my customers
just really soothing, like,
[quietly] "Let me put some extra
baby's breath in there for you."
[giggles]
It actually calms me
just to pretend to be a florist.
"Okay, these will look really nice.
That'll fill that in really
nicely for you. There you go.
And I'll put a little ribbon on it.
[indistinct]
I think that would be really nice."
It makes me feel so good,
I should do this every night.
"All right, there you go."
And then I feel like, in my fantasy,
all my customers would be
really handsome male architects
'cause that's like the perfect guy job,
and when I was done making the bouquet,
they'd take it and turn it around
and be like, "It's actually for you."
You know, that's my fantasy of what
it's like to work in the floral industry.
I'm sure I'm idealizing it.
If I actually got into that field,
I'm sure someone would just be like,
"That's not a daffodil,
you cunt." You know.
[audience laughs]
It'd be a rude awakening.
That's my fantasy.
It's weird being on TV now
because then it's like stand-up...
When you do stand-up,
it's all about being relatable.
You want to go, "Okay, here's what
my day was, here's what's going on,"
and people are like,
"Oh, I've done that, too."
Then you get on TV and weird stuff
starts happening in your life.
You start going, "Is this relatable?"
You know, like...
[sighs] For example, nothing really
feels like it costs anything anymore.
Is that relatable?
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Chelsea giggles]
No, I do love stand-up.
I think it's just cool that you get
to say your feelings,
and it's this completely
unmoderated experience.
Like any song you've heard,
that's the same thing.
That's just that songwriter's
point of view on what was happening.
I always have that Michael Bolton song
stuck in my head, where it's like...
How can we be lovers
If we can't be friends?
How can we start over
When the fight never ends?
Oh, baby, how can we?
Anyway, yes, yes, it's a great song.
We all love it. [chuckles]
I think we can agree.
But that's just maybe
Michael Bolton's take
on whatever was going on
in that relationship
with that girl
that he was singing about.
Maybe that wasn't her issue
with Michael Bolton at that time at all.
Like, maybe her song to him
would have just been like...
Your hair kind of hit me
In the face when we fucked
I just didn't like it
That was more my issue
[audience laughs]
That's so funny how you know
every word to a song,
and then, it's like, maybe ten years in,
you realize what it's actually about.
You realize the lyrics,
what they're actually meaning,
you're like, "Oh!"
You know?
I was thinking about that Dr. Dre song
from the '90s, where it's like...
Bitches ain't shit
But hoes and tricks
I'm like, "If you actually look
within the lyrics...
that song is actually not
that complimentary to females."
[laughs hysterically]
You guys have been really cool.
You know, uh... have you?
I don't know.
Um...
[chuckles]
Sometimes when I do interviews,
which is constantly,
people will ask me, you know,
"You're a woman and you do comedy.
Question mark."
Like, that's the whole question.
And I never know what
to give them, what they want.
I don't know how to describe
what it's like.
The best I can do is like,
you're up on stage,
and you're telling jokes,
and the whole time,
in between your legs,
you have a pussy.
Sometimes the jokes are going great,
you still have one.
Other times they're going... ugh...
you still have
that same set of genitals.
It's like it's haunting
your every move...
no matter what ideas you might
be expressing. It's creepy.
Like, watch...
[grunts] still there.
So scary.
It is weird being a female comedian
'cause you do hear people
talking shit all the time.
Like, "Fucking female comedians,
dude, they fucking suck.
All they do is talk about
their fucking period, man.
Fuck that shit.
I have discerning taste.
I like fart jokes mostly."
[chuckles]
Or whatever their taste may be.
But it just annoys me 'cause
I have never... just because of that,
I've never talked about my period
the whole time I've done stand-up
'cause I don't want to give
anyone the satisfaction.
But what annoys me
is just on principle,
because I guarantee you,
if guys got their period, all right?
Just make that jump.
If guys got their period,
there's no way a male comedian
would be standing on stage right now
bleeding out of his dick, okay?
Just like bleeding, and he's just like,
"I'm not gonna talk about it.
I'm not gonna do it.
It would be dclass.
I don't want to disrespect
comedy like that. I said no."
You know? If guys got their period,
90% of stand-up comedy
would just be people
running around like,
"I was bleeding out of my dick!
What the fuck?!
Drip, drop, drip, drop,
drip, drop, drip, drop!"
Thank you guys very much.
[man coughs]
[snores]
[soft music plays]
[instrumental rock music plays]
I found a caricature that someone
had drawn of my face
and I don't a-know...
And I don't a-know...
[laughs]
I don't a-know.
Show the audience
you're having a soda.
[imitates soda can opening]
[burps]
Men love Daniel Day-Lewis,
you know?
[audience whoops]
Hoisting my pants.
Should I say that again?
Or should I just keep
all this in? [grunts]
[man] This isn't funny.
Can I have my money back, please?
It's not funny?
You want your money back? All right.
- [click]
- [whirring]
- There you go, toots.
- Great, thanks.
- Are you guys awake?
- [audience laughs]
Just checking in.
This will be my life dream.
Uh...
just making sure
you are with me here,
as I do perform my jokes
for you tonight.
Thanks for checking in.
I will go off-book.
As you can see, I will go ahead
and personally attack
each and every one of you. [laughs]