1
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Fire
Fire
[audience cheering]
Man on fire
Fire
Fire
Fire
Man on fire
Yes.
[audience continues cheering]
Yes. All right.
Yeah.
All right. Just relax.
We're fucking here, doing this in Canada.
I'm happy about that.
[audience cheering]
Look at this crowd. Yo, all right.
I know, uh...
I know I look like a tired eagle. Um...
[audience laughing]
I don't like how you laughed,
to be honest. It's fine...
It's fine that you laughed at it,
but the way you laughed at it was shitty,
you know?
You laughed like you realized it.
[audience laughing]
Ha, ha, oh.
Eagles are cool, though. They're fucking...
You know what I mean?
[squawks] They do that shit.
I don't look like that eagle
that would be like fucking...
I look like an eagle
that would be like this: Caw.
You know what I mean? Like... just tired
as shit, stuck in traffic:
Caw.
I've been thinking about
the way I look a lot lately
because I'm finally the age I look.
I'm like...
I always looked older than I was,
but now I'm 36
and that's a hundred percent obvious.
Like... it's... Like...
Here's what I mean "I'm the age I look."
When I say I'm 36,
nobody in here goes like this:
"No." You know?
[audience laughing]
Like, I'm an adult. It's fucking crazy
to realize yourself as an adult, right?
I mean, I've been an adult for a while,
but I just kind of... Recently it sunk in.
Here's what happened when I realized it.
I saw a picture, uh, of me
and I didn't recognize me.
I just saw, like, an adult male.
I literally saw me and I thought,
"Fuck that guy. He looks creepy."
That's what I thought. I was like,
"I don't like his whole story. Fuck him."
And then I realized it was me.
I look like that.
I look like a guy that'd fuck your girl
and then be like:
"That's the game."
You know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
I'm sorry. I didn't do it.
I'm so fucking 36, man.
When I was in my 20s
I was a completely different person.
I don't...
I feel girls say shit like that, actually.
I don't mean it like that.
I feel like girls say dramatic shit like:
"I used to be
a completely different person."
[audience laughing]
I feel like when a girl says it, it means
she used to fuck a lot, you know?
[audience laughing]
I feel like when a girl says that,
part of her thinks
that she was someone else for real.
She'll be, "No, for real.
I used to be a little Japanese man,"
or whatever.
Like, "No, you weren't." "Oh, really?
Then explain this:"
[mimics Japanese dialogue]
You're like, "Okay, I don't wanna argue.
You were Japanese for a summer
or something."
Ha, ha. I don't mean
I was a different person.
I was a lot different than I am now.
And I was, dude.
Just take ten years ago.
When I was 26 I was married,
which is crazy.
Which... And that's true.
But by the way, don't do that. Uh, yeah.
[audience laughing]
I don't bad-mouth marriage.
You can get married and it can work out,
but not if you're 26 and a dude.
That's way too young, okay?
I mean, maybe some of you are 26
and married out there,
in which case, oops,
but you know what I mean?
It's not gonna work out, you know?
I mean, it might, but it won't.
You know what I mean?
But it could,
but it's not going to, right?
But some are like, "This one's special."
And you're wrong, but, uh...
Yeah, you're not special.
You're just somebody. [laughs]
That's fucked up.
We're not special at all.
That's so fucked.
[audience cheering]
We're not.
We're not special. We're just people.
It's fucked up to think about, right?
I know when I say that
I lose some people in the audience.
They're like, "Well, yeah, I mean...
[audience laughing]
Speak for yourself, but... I'm special
'cause I bought a vest a week ago."
Or whatever the fuck you think
makes you special.
Of course we think we're special.
We live in a society
that fucking makes us feel that way,
right?
We're all individuals and shit, right?
Well, we... People told us that
ever since we were little kids.
Your parents or if you had shitty parents,
your teachers told us that shit, right?
I had a teacher that used to be like,
"Remember, you're your own snowflake."
[audience laughing]
As a 4-year-old, you're like, "Okay,
I'm a little bit of snowflake, I guess."
Like, that's weird as shit.
And you carry on the tradition.
We fucking make... You... You got kids,
you make them feel special,
you lie to them. You do.
You say shit like, "You can do anything
you put your mind to."
What the fuck? No, you can't.
No. No, you can't. No, you can't. No.
So many things you can't do
even if you put your mind to it.
Most things you can't do.
A lot of you guys
couldn't even get here on time.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Things are hard as shit.
We can all do, like, four or five things,
tops.
We try things,
but halfway through we're like:
"Fuck it, I'm hungry." And we quit.
We give up 'cause shit is hard as fuck.
I'm wrong about this?
You can do anything you put your mind to.
Really? Shit out of your eyes. Do that.
[audience laughing]
Try it. Do it.
Fucking put your mind to it.
[grunts]
Try every day for the rest of your life.
[grunts]
It'll always come out
of your asshole first every single time.
This is you every day.
"Back to the drawing board."
That's you every day
with a high dry cleaning bill
'cause you shit your pants.
We're not special.
But of course you feel that way.
I saw some of you walk in here tonight.
You're like, "Fucking here I am."
[audience laughing]
You only think that 'cause you're you.
That's why.
If you were someone else, might be like,
"Fuck that guy. I don't like his vest."
[audience laughing]
That's the problem, really,
is that you've always only been you.
That's the problem.
You've never been anyone else, right?
So, you're important
'cause you live inside your body.
You're looking out of your eyes.
And if someone pokes you, you're like,
"Fucking hey.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Don't make me start a hashtag on Twitter."
[audience laughing]
You know how you know
that we think we're special? Because...
Here's why. 'Cause movies make money.
That's why.
'Cause we think we're special.
'Cause we'll sit in the theater
and watch Denzel Washington
and be like, "You know what?
Fucking that's me.
[audience laughing]
I'm fucking Denzel in my life.
If my life were a movie,
I will be the lead.
I'm the Denzel Washington part."
No, you're not the fucking
Denzel Washington part.
What part you are? Denzel Washington
walks up to you like, "Where is she?"
And then you go like this, "I don't know."
That's you.
[audience laughing]
You think you're Denzel?
Think you walk into a room full of cops
with a bunch of confidence and swagger?
Just like "So, what do we got?"
No. That's what Denzel does.
You're the guy afterwards
with a bunch of graphs and spreadsheets
and you're like, "Uh, excuse me, sir.
I... I... I have a bunch of facts
that pertain to the case ahead."
And he's like, "Shut the fuck up!"
And you go: "Oh, Oh!"
And the spreadsheets fly everywhere,
you bitch ass. That's you.
You're not fucking Denzel.
You think you are?
You think you're the man on fire?
Is that what you think?
You think you walk out of a car
in slow motion
with the music blaring in the background?
[mimicking dramatic music]
No. When you get out of your car,
the music stops.
'Cause it was on the radio in your car.
You don't get out on a mission
with a beautiful dove
flying out of your backseat.
And the wind casually flipping
your Hawaiian shirt up, exposing your abs.
You don't even have abs, you fat fuck.
[audience laughing]
You don't get out like:
[mimicking dramatic music]
You get out and it's like:
[mimicking wacky music]
[mimics farting noise] Fat. Fat fuck.
Fuck a dove. There's a pigeon at best.
And it's fatter than you are.
Can't even get off the ground.
It's eating Doritos out of your car
when you got out,
you fucking piggy fat fuck.
[audience laughing]
[man in audience] Yeah!
You're not...
You're not Denzel.
You're not the man on fire.
You think you are. A lot of you think
I'm talking about other people.
You are other people to other people.
You think you're the fucking man.
You think that's your movie, you fucking...
You think if someone pulled a gun on you,
you might, "Do it. Come on, motherfucker.
Let's see what you got.
Come on, show me the balls you got."
[shouts]
No way. Neither would I.
I'm not saying I'm better than that.
Here's me or anybody in here
if we got a gun pulled on us.
This is what we would do:
[groans, then crying]
"Take my girl, take my girl.
You can fuck her."
[audience chuckles]
You're not Denzel.
You're not the man on fire. Right?
Life's not your movie,
that's what I'm trying to say.
Makes sense, right?
You know what life is more like?
We're all extras in someone else's movie.
That's what it's more like, right?
And you guys believe me.
You're like, 70, 75 percent there.
You're like:
"Well, yeah,
I mean... Chris D'Elia is right,
but... also, ha, ha...
I'm a little bit Denzel." Right?
You know what that is? That's your ego.
That's... I have that, too.
I have that ego.
You live life like it's your movie
because you don't wanna be
the bitch-ass extra, right?
I certainly...
I orchestrate my life that way.
I feel like I'm the lead of my movie
right now.
I'm on-stage yelling into a microphone
at you guys.
I'm like,
"It's like this. It's like that."
You guys are all looking back at me like,
"Yeah, he's right."
It feels like it's my movie, but it's not.
In real life, the movie
is probably about a couple arguing.
And the girl gets so mad
that she storms out.
And this is just a scene at the Vogue
in fucking Vancouver, Canada.
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
I'm not even Chris D'Elia in this movie.
I'm comedian number six.
[audience laughing]
But you try, right?
You try 'cause you have to.
You try to make life yours, right?
Life throws what it throws you
and you roll with the punches.
That's what happened to me, you know?
I met a girl and I hung out with her
for too long, and then...
Then I loved her. By the way,
that's what love is. That's what it is.
Hanging out with someone for too long.
That's what it is.
It's true. Fuck these movies.
They glorify love.
Two people in the rain,
looking at each other,
not giving a shit it's raining
'cause they're holding eye contact.
Right?
They're just like, "I fucking love you.
Ah. You're my soul mate.
I'm so lucky I found you.
Why am I the one that's so lucky?
I can't belie... I miss you when I blink."
[audience laughing]
"Where did you go?"
"Oh, I was just blinking."
That's not what people say
as it starts raining.
You know what people say?
No matter how much in love they are,
no matter how much eye contact,
this is what we say:
"Hey. [spits] Ah. Let's go inside."
That's what we say.
Love is not that certain.
If I could pick two words that love is,
it's right here: "I guess."
[audience chuckles]
Love is "I guess."
You find yourself your "I guess" person
and have an "I guess" family.
That's what you do.
And then you "I guess" your way
all throughout life. That's what you do.
You say, "Yeah, let's get married,
I guess, and then have kids, I guess,
and feed them,
I guess, uh... every day, I guess.
And take a trip if we have the money,
I guess.
And when I'm sick, make me soup
if you're in the mood, I guess.
And then when you die,
I'll be right by your side.
I guess. I don't know. That's so far away.
At this point, I hope I go first."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Love is "I guess."
If you're sure you're not in love,
that's not what love is.
Think about the people in your life
that knew they were in love.
Think about those people.
"I fucking love her.
Hundred percent know it.
I knew it as soon as I saw her.
You can't convince me otherwise.
She's so easy to be around.
She's basically me."
Right? And then a year later you're like,
"How is she?" "Oh, that bitch was crazy."
[audience laughing]
'Cause that's not love.
That's The Notebook.
That's Jerry Mc-fucking-Guire, okay?
And those movies ended early.
They were two hours, not 40 fucking years.
You know I'm right.
That's why you're laughing.
'Cause you've been in love or are now,
and know that love is up and down.
And up and down and up and down
and down more and down
and up a little bit,
but then down, down, down.
Down, down, not up, down, down, down.
And you're both stuck down there and like,
"At least we have each other."
That's what love is.
And then you meet other couples
down there
and you, like, do dinners with them
or some shit.
Fuck those dinners.
A lot of you guys
are probably on those dinners right now.
[audience laughing]
A lot of you guy... Look, sometimes
people think what I'm saying is negative
because I'm saying love is shitty.
But that's not negative
that love is shitty. You know why?
'Cause love is shitty because it fucking
has to be. You know why?
Because it's awesome, too.
That's how everything in life is.
Everything that's good is equally
that bad. That's yin and yang of life.
Take anything you like.
It's equally that bad.
Kit Kats. You love Kit Kats, right?
Eat them up.
"Oh, man, I love these Kit Kats.
Oh, they're so chocolatey.
Break me off another one.
I love these Kit Kats.
Why are they so good?" They are, until:
[mimics trumpeting sound]
That's the bad part. That's the bad part.
You're sitting on the toilet, thinking:
"Oh, man, I can't ever eat
any more Kit Kats ever again."
It's the same thing as love. Chipotle,
Chipotle, Chipotle. Love, love, love.
Love is Chipotle.
Dude, this isn't even a comedy show.
It's a fucking TED Talk, okay?
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Oh, fuck it.
Love is shitty. And that's okay.
Sometimes if... If you're with somebody,
you go to sleep shitty and wake up shitty.
And by the way, you sleep shitty, too.
Sometimes.
If you don't wake up every two hours
and think something like "did this bitch
turn off the humidifier?" that's not love.
And then you wake up with chapped lips
and blame each other. That's love.
You're like, "Yo, did you turn
this shit off? What the fuck?
You did... My...
Side of my mouth is cracking now...
when I open it like that. The bad side.
What the fuck? You didn't turn it off.
You didn't turn it off. Who came in here?
Humidifier fairy came and did that shit?
My mommy came over at 2:30 in the morning
and did that?"
[audience laughing]
That's what love is. Know what love is?
If I could distill love down
into one moment, this right here
would be the moment of love right here.
"Fucking move.
[audience laughing]
Move over.
Look at the other side of the bed.
Look at that area. Look at that...
Stop gazing into my fucking eyes
for two seconds
and look at the other area.
And then look at this zero area
I've got over here.
Look at that vast area.
They shot Mad Max
on the other side of you.
Tom Hardy's over there
on the front of a vehicle like:
[groans]
And I'm over here with my leg
and my dick flopped off the bed.
Explain that. Explain why my dick
is flopped off the bed.
They shot Mad Max and Dances With Wolves
on the other side of you.
Kevin Costner's over there
with a water buffalo just like:
[speaking in Lakota]
He's saying that.
[audience laughing]
Every time you turn, you take the covers.
You know that?
Every time you turn, you take it.
You take it.
I'm there and you're sleeping,
but you're dreaming.
'Fuck him.
He doesn't deserve them.'
And you take it and you take it
and you take it.
And you do a billion revolutions a night.
You take it, you take it.
And when you come back, you leave it.
You take it and then leave it over there.
You take it and then leave it.
You're like a shitty fucking typewriter.
You're a typewriting-ass bitch.
And I'm over here with no covers.
A frigid, freezing cold dick
and my mouth is bleeding.
Thank you, bitch."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[laughs]
That's what love is.
Know what love is? This is what love is.
When you're on an airplane
with your girl or whoever
and they're next to you
and you have a thought like:
"Does she really think that the armrest
is for her?
Fucking come on.
It's my turn a little bit sometimes. Fuck.
Come on. You know what?
Put your fucking head
against the side of the plane.
I gave you the window seat for a reason.
Use it.
Well, I'm trying to be fucking chivalrous.
God.
[audience laughing]
Time to kick back and relax."
Right? You're freezing,
but she's got your hoodie balled up,
using it as a pillow.
And you gotta be happy about it.
You're like, [chattering]
"Ah, I hope you're comfortable."
And you're, like,
going to visit her family
in, like, Dallas or some shit
and then she was like,
"Do you wanna go because you wanna go...
or do you wanna go
because you know that I want you to go?"
[audience laughing]
"You know what?
You're asking me to lie to you.
I wanna go 'cause I wanna go. How's that?
Yeah. I don't even care if you're going
at this point. I am. Uh-huh.
Can we stay with your grandma?
And is she 93 years old?
Can I not understand a word
coming out of her mouth?
And does she only wear nightgowns
even at 3 p.m.?
And are her bathrooms weird as shit?
[gasps] Sign me up."
- Aw. [chuckles]
- [audience cheering]
Dude, bro, I'll get so mad on the plane.
Like... And I'll fucking...
I'll make myself hot.
I'll turn on the a... Fuck that air,
the little air-conditioning, the...
The little bitch-ass air.
Make a bigger vent. Make a bigger vent.
It's a hole. Use less material.
You're using more material
to be a big fucking dickhead on purpose.
Make a little... Gotta turn it on.
It's like a fucking titty.
You know what I mean? You turn it on.
It's not even cool air.
It's just loud air.
You turn it on
and it's, like [hissing] fucking rocketed
in my eye.
Four thousand miles, please.
Just in this circumferenced area.
Just in this area.
This is where I'm hot, actually.
Right here, I'm freezing already, okay?
But here, I'm tropical.
Fucking dry out my contact lens, please.
When I get to the Dallas airport,
I wanna walk around like this.
That's how I wanna walk around.
I want people to think they see Fetty Wap
in baggage claim. That's what I want.
That's what love is.
Walking around the Dallas airport
with three bags and one good eye.
And she's skipping in front of you
with no bags and two eyes.
And you told her to pack one bag.
And you packed one bag,
but somehow you're holding three!
[audience laughing]
That's not what the man on fire does.
[audience laughing]
Whatever. So, you know.
I asked her to marry me. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
I mean, I didn't mean to...
Well, I meant to.
I meant to... I meant...
I meant to say the words, you know?
But... I don't know,
now that I have some retrospect on it,
it's ten years later,
I think the reason why I did it
is because I thought
it was the right thing to do, you know?
It was an idea that I had, right?
Like, my parents are still married.
Now, even. They're my role models, right?
But I didn't mean it when I said it from...
Didn't mean it from the bottom
of my heart, right?
When you ask somebody to marry you,
you gotta fucking mean that shit.
You gotta hunker down and just fucking,
you know... [chuckles] "Hey." Right?
"Just want you to know...
life can be crazy sometimes.
But you, you make sense of it all."
Or whatever.
Whatever Creed song you wanna rip off,
you know? But...
[audience laughing]
I didn't ask from the bottom of my heart,
you know? I didn't. I just not...
I said it with my mouth. [chuckles]
Can't do that. You can't ask somebody
to marry you from your fucking mouth.
Just fire it out there like,
"Meh. You wanna get married?"
- You know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]
Not like ordering a bagel.
You can order a bagel from your mouth.
Doesn't matter, right?
You can just be like,
"Meh, what bagels you got, sir?
It doesn't matter if I don't like it.
I'll just order another one."
That's not what marriage is, right?
To further my point, don't order a bagel
from the bottom of your heart.
That'd be very weird. Different feelings,
different situations. Right?
Like, if you walked into a bagel place
and you were, like, fucking,
"Hey. [chuckles]
Excuse me, bagel guy.
I want you to... [chuckles]
I want you to know
your bagels are my everything.
So, can I have an everything bagel?"
Right? Corny, that's my whole point.
[audience cheering]
So, we did it. We got married and I...
But I didn't... I didn't real...
I don't know. I knew something was up.
I didn't know I didn't wanna be married,
but something was up.
I was too young
to realize my own emotions.
Like, I was frustrated, right?
Like, I was...
I'd take it out on wrong things
'cause I didn't know myself.
Like, I'd be eating a sandwich
and be like, "Know what? Fuck turkey."
Or some shit. She'd be, "What's wrong?"
I'd be like, "You don't know me!"
I was becoming a dick.
Here's how I knew
I didn't wanna be married.
This kept happening. Didn't realize then,
but I realize now, all right?
It's very symbolic.
You know when you live with someone
and walk into a room
and they're in the room
and it ends up scaring the shit
out of you, right?
Though it's the one thing
that should be in that room,
'cause it's their room, too,
you're not thinking,
you're doing something else.
You walk in and it scares you.
That kept happening, okay?
I kept walking in different rooms
she would be in
and getting the shit scared out of me.
I'd walk in and be like, "What the fuck?
Whoa, where did you come from?
How did you get here?"
She'd be like, "I fucking live here."
You're like,
"I know. I get scared because deep down...
Deep down I don't want you here. Deep down
I don't want you here." Whatever.
Mistakes are scarier than monsters.
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
That's the other thing, right?
Don't wanna let yourself get scared.
Not as a young man, right?
Like, not in your 20s. Don't wanna...
You wanna be the man, right?
Like, for instance,
if somebody scares your friend
and they go, "Boo." And he goes:
[gasps, then shouts]
That dude's a bitch, right?
Like, he's not gonna be in your army.
I mean, you don't have an army,
but if you did, and some shit went down,
you'd give him the flute. And he'd be
the bitch ass in the back... just:
"Don't shoot me. It's not...
I'm just here for morale." Right?
[mimics bullet whizzing]
"That's not fair.
[mimics bullets whizzing]
That's against the rules.
Shoot the guys with the guns."
On the other hand,
if you scare your friend and you're like:
"Boo." And he's like,
"Come on, motherfucker, let's do this."
Give him a gun.
He should be out there
guarding the flute bitches, right?
I didn't wanna be a flute bitch.
Not in front of my girl.
There's no fucking way I was that secure
in myself. There's no way.
So, I'd walk in
and I'd get scared she was in the room.
But I couldn't let her see that.
So, I'd immediately cover it up
and just get mad at her
for even being in the room.
I'd walk in and just,
"Hey. Ow. What the fuck are you doing?
Look at the way you're sitting
with knees up. You a gargoyle?
Fuck off."
[audience laughing]
So... now I'm 36.
It's ten years later. I'm a man.
Can't fucking do something 'cause I think
it's the right thing to do or it's...
It's what I should do.
Gotta do something so I... 'Cause it's me.
I'm exactly that guy
in that picture I saw.
Thirty-six-year-old fucking...
A man, right?
But I vowed recently
not to pretend anymore because of that.
Like... And I've been good at it.
I took a stand recently.
Here's something I don't wanna pretend
to do anymore.
A lot don't agree,
but I don't wanna pretend to wanna go
to your party anymore.
I don't wanna go, okay?
I've been to so many parties,
had fun zero times, all right?
Don't wanna go anywhere
where I'm in a conversation
and I catch myself going like this: "Ah."
I don't wanna go.
[audience laughing]
People are boring as shit at parties.
They'll just say shit
that they think is interesting,
not giving a shit about you.
I was at a party once and this guy
looked me in the eyes and says this:
"Hey, do you know anything
about front lawns?
[audience laughing]
'Cause I was thinking
about redoing my front lawn, you know?
Might just redo the whole thing."
Ah.
"I'm gonna rip my dick off in the corner.
Yeah. No, it'll hurt,
but at least I'll have to deal
with something else immediately, right?
Hey, I'd love to sit and chat
about your fucking lawn,
but... gotta deal
with this dick situation.
It's off." [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I don't wanna go to your party.
I don't wanna pretend to wanna go.
Here's something I definitely
don't wanna pretend I wanna do.
I don't wanna pretend to wanna go
to your fucking birthday party. No.
I don't care. What did you turn, 28?
Bye. Do it by yourself. Don't care.
I'm Jehovah's Witness from now on.
For real. I'm not celebrating.
If you're 9, have a birthday party.
That's okay.
But if you're 10, get a job immediately.
That's what I think. You go to work.
And you don't want to.
That's the world I wanna live in. That's...
Where 10-year-olds have to go to work.
I wanna see them fucking just like,
"Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm late for work."
Like... "I only got... Sorry, I only got
this many hours of sleep last night.
[audience laughing]
Hey, guys. First order of business.
[chuckles]
First order of business.
Need to get these products
to upper management, pronto.
Hello, Stacy,
can you please bring in my Capri Sun?
It's going to be a long one.
[audience laughing]
And can you put the straw in the back,
please? I never know how to do that.
Hey, guys. Before we get started...
where is the employee bathroom?
I got to go caca now."
If you're 9, have a birthday party.
That's your last one.
Okay? My buddy came up to me
this year and he goes like this.
First of all, he's 42, okay? Forty-two.
As in, almost dead.
Okay?
And he comes up to me and he goes
like this, "Hey, man. Guess what."
First of all, don't do "guess what" to me,
okay? I'm 36. It's not cute anymore.
What am I supposed to be like? Oh, ah!
"No, don't give me any hints.
I wanna figure it out myself."
It could be anything.
If you do "guess what,"
from now on this is my guess. Purple?
That's what it is. If it's not purple,
fucking tell me immediately.
Save time. We're both adults. Okay?
The guy goes like this,
"Uh, no, not purple. Um...
I'm turning 42 soon.
You gonna come to my birthday party?"
In my heart I'm already like, "Fuck
this guy" for even asking, all right?
But in my head, as I'm trying to mull
a polite way to decline the invitation,
I realize I'm already going like this
in the guy's face, "No."
Right in his face.
"No... " It felt good.
It felt like the real me was coming out.
It felt freeing like, "No."
It felt like I sang it, for real,
right in his...
[singing] No, I won't go
It felt like No: The Musical
was about to start.
I am not going
People in the back:
He won't go
He won't go
He won't go
I'm not going
"Hey, Chris, you going to his party?"
"No.
Parties ain't for me no more."
[scatting]
Maybe in my 20s
Some girl in a spotlight alone just like,
I wish he'd come
[sighs]
Meet me somewhere else
Meet... [chuckles]
Meet me somewhere else
I love when they hit the same note
twice at the end.
Meet me somewhere...
[chuckles]
Else
That's such a "fuck you," you know?
It really is.
You want that extra high note.
But some motherfuckers
don't give that shit to you.
You know what you want.
Meet me somewhere el...
That's what you want, right?
But some dudes are like,
Meet me somewhere el...
And they're like,
"Fuck you. You don't get that last note."
The balls you've gotta do to do that shit.
[laughing]
I don't wanna go to your party, dude.
What the fuck? Birthday party? Come on.
I gotta get you a gift? Why?
What happened? What? Nothing.
You just waited. That's all that happened.
You didn't die. And I gotta, like,
buy you a VCR or some shit?
That's what I get everybody every year
from now on.
You're getting a fucking VCR
if you invite me.
"Yeah, did you want that, motherfucker?
I bet you did at one point."
Ah, man. Fuck it. That's another thing
I don't wanna pretend to have to do, is...
Is like the gift that you got me
on my birthday. Right?
If you came to my party
and you gave me a gift that I didn't like,
know me better, friend.
That's your fault, right?
'Cause that's about the other person.
Gotta make sure they feel okay
about the gift they got, right?
You gotta open it up like, "What? No way.
How did you know
I wanted this specific thing
even though I never said it out loud,
even when I was alone?
And also, I don't."
[audience laughing]
Thought about no-gift thing 'cause here's
what happened when I turned 35, okay?
My buddy bought me the gayest gift
you could buy another heterosexual male.
You know what he bought me?
He bought me pants. Yeah.
[audience laughing]
Think about this.
How could you be a grown man
and buy another grown man pants
without seeming like
you suck all the dicks, okay?
Here's the gay part.
They fit fantastic.
[audience laughing]
I don't even know how he knew my size.
I don't even know my own size.
I always have to try pants on.
This dude literally eyeballed my hips.
And he was like, "Looks like a 33."
And he fucking nailed it, okay?
That's gay.
It's gay.
And by the way, that's what I mean.
I mean, it's gay.
I mean, it's gay, all right?
Saying it twice 'cause I wanna clarify.
I want you guys to know that I mean it,
okay?
'Cause people get real sensitive
when you use that term.
Right? They'll be like,
"You know what? That's not cool
to use that word in a derogatory manner."
Yeah, I 100 percent agree with you.
I don't mean it in a derogatory way.
I mean, it's gay like fucking a guy, okay?
[audience laughing]
Buying your friends pants that fit
is gay like fucking a guy.
And that's okay.
Fuck guys all day long, yippee.
But it's gay like that, okay?
It's so gay, I think.
[audience cheering]
I actually think it's gayer
than fucking a guy. I do. I do.
I think buying your friend's pants
that fit and wrapping them
and waiting to give it to him
is way gayer than just fucking him.
I think that.
I a hundred percent made up my mind.
I've thought about this a lot, obviously.
You can't convince me otherwise.
You know why it's gayer
to buy your friend's pants that fit
than it is to fuck him?
Because fucking a guy is easy.
That's why it's less gay.
It's so easy.
I mean, you could fuck a guy
even if you're not gay.
Relax. You don't have to,
but... you could, right?
Like, you can't build a restaurant
if you're not a fucking architect, right?
Like, here, look, let me explain.
Um...
If I held a gun to your head...
Don't need a skill set is what I'm saying.
You don't need a skill set
to fuck a guy, right?
If I held a gun to your head and I said,
"Fucking, are you an architect?" And...
[audience laughing]
Okay, wait.
And you were like, "No," right?
And I was like,
"Well, you better build me a restaurant
or I'm gonna blow
your fucking brains out."
You'd have to be like,
"Tell my family I love them."
[audience laughing]
But if I held that same gun to your head
and I said, "Are you gay?"
And you were like, "No."
And I said, "Well, you better fuck a guy
or I'm gonna blow
your fucking brains out."
You'd be like, "Where is he?"
[audience laughing]
That's how easy it is.
That's how easy...
That's why it's less gay in my head.
Like, fuck... But, dude,
buying a friend's pants that fit
and wrapping them... and knowing the size,
that's not easy. That's difficult.
That takes time.
Gay time, okay?
It's a gay adventure.
It's a gay fucking errand.
There's levels of gayness to it.
Like, look.
Look, okay, I'm not gay, all right?
Never had sex with a guy even once.
[chuckles]
Sounds funny to say it like that.
Still means the same thing. But...
[laughing]
However,
sometimes I'm so tired and so lazy
that if somebody came up to me
and they were like:
"Hey, man...
do you wanna buy your friend's pants
that fit and wrap them and give them
to him at his party for his birthday...
or...
[audience laughing]
do you wanna
just, like, fuck this guy right here?"
I might be like:
[grumbles]
"I mean, he's right here.
I don't have to go to the car for that."
It's so easy and that's why it's less gay.
Dude, it's so easy to fuck a guy.
Could practically fuck a guy by mistake.
That's how... Not practically.
You actually could.
It's very unlikely, don't worry. But...
I don't mean the mistake where you're,
"Sorry, I thought it was a woman."
I mean, like, literally a mistake like...
How? Okay, here's how.
Um... All right, so...
if you were to walk into a room
with your hard dick already out, okay?
So far, every dude's onboard, right?
Uh...
[chuckles] And... And in the room,
the floor is really slippery, okay?
[chuckles]
And on the floor
there's one dude face down...
and he's just spreading his asshole.
Even if you slip,
you'll probably catch yourself.
You'll be like,
"Whoa, that was a close one."
But there's a chance you could fall
the other way and be like, "What? No."
[shouts] Boink. Whoopsie.
You fucked him by mistake, okay?
But there is no way in hell
that you can slip and fall
and buy your friend's pants that fit.
[audience laughing]
No matter how wet Macy's is,
it just can't happen.
It's impossible. It won't happen.
[audience cheering]
You can't. You can't be like,
"Whoa, hey, wait a minute.
Those are cool pants.
Do you have them in a size 33?
Oh, I'll take them. Thanks.
Hopefully I slip all the way over
to your Gift Wrapping Department."
So, the pants fit good, you know?
And, uh...
But here's what happened.
So, my buddy called me, uh...
who bought me the pants,
he called me two weeks after.
And he called me up and was like,
"Hey, man, wanna get a cup of coffee?"
And I was like, "Fuck, yeah,
I'll drink that shit right now, player.
I'm a G about my coffee.
I don't give a fuck, man. [chuckles]
Put your fucking caffeine
where your mouth is, coz."
[audience laughing]
So, I went
to go meet him for coffee, right?
And as soon as I hung up the phone,
I left my house.
As soon as I got to my own door,
I realized I wasn't...
I wasn't wearing the pants that he got me,
okay?
I didn't want the first time for him
to see me since he got me the pants
to show up and not be wearing the pants,
right?
'Cause then he would spot me and be like,
"Hey, what's up? Aw."
And then that made me be like:
[groans]
So, I changed pants.
I literally put on a cuter outfit
to meet a dude, okay?
That's gay as shit. So...
Now I got the pants on
and, um, I show up to the coffee shop
and I see him and he sees me
and he goes like this, "Hey, what's up?"
Oh!
And that made me go:
[shouts]
Fuck this asshole.
He's controlling my life with pants.
It's pants control.
So, now I'm uncomfortable. I'm like,
"Let's just get this over with," right?
So, we get the coffee, uh,
we walk out to the patio.
I'm with the dude who bought me the pants.
I'm wearing the pants.
We're having a conversation, coffee.
And as we're doing this,
a girl walks out of the coffee shop
and she spots me and she actually says:
"You know what?
Those are some really cool pants."
I'm like, "Oh, cool." At least
I get to talk to a girl about it, right?
My buddy leans in and says,
"You know, I bought them for him."
[audience laughing]
That's way gayer than just fucking him.
That's what happens when you pretend.
That's what happens. Right?
You get in a situation
you're not prepared to deal with
'cause you're not being you.
That's what I did.
When he bought me pants and I opened them,
I should've said how I felt.
I should've been like, "How did you know
my size, you fucking weirdo?"
[audience laughing]
Instead I was like, "Oh, cool pants.
I'll wear them next time I see you."
I played the game
and then the game played me.
[audience laughing]
Yup. But it's hard, though, it is.
It's hard to not pretend.
It's hard to know who you are
in any given situation
and not pretend ever, right?
Like, we all do it.
We all pretend in moments.
We all think we matter more
than we actually do. Right?
We all think we're special,
but we're not. Right?
You know the worst people nowadays
that think they matter more
than they actually matter, hands-down?
People that work out
and won't shut the fuck up about it.
I cannot stand that shit.
Bang, bang, bang, click, click. Reload.
Bang, bang, bang, I can't stand it.
Work out, go home.
You don't matter that much, okay?
All this inspirational culture
that's going around,
this fitspo lifestyle
that they're trying to convince you of.
Who are you inspiring?
That's what I want to know. Right?
These dudes will be like, "You know what?
I used to weigh 90 pounds,
but now, through hard work, determination,
perseverance, never backing down,
not stopping, remaining focused,
never veering off track,
not looking over my shoulder, never dying,
no days off,
now, I got bigger muscles." Okay.
You know what? Eat dicks. Okay?
[audience cheering]
Eat all the dicks you see around.
If you're like that, if you see a dick,
you eat that shit.
[mimics chewing sounds] Like that.
Like a log trimmer, just:
[grunting]
With dick chips
spinning out of your mouth:
[grunting]
Throw a dick up
and just [grunts] swallow it whole.
Where there's a dick outline in your neck,
muscle it down.
That's your new workout, okay?
Eat dicks, of course.
Like, you're not really doing much, okay?
Who the fuck are you inspiring?
You're not running for political office.
You're not joining the Army.
All you do is move weight around
and eat extra chicken, right?
[audience laughing]
You like protein? Cool.
There's protein in my dick. Eat it.
[audience laughing]
You work hard?
Congratu-the fuck-lations.
I work hard, too.
I don't hashtag it "blessed" all day long.
Eat my dick.
These guys are so self-involved.
It's so fucking annoying.
They're ridiculous. They'll take a selfie
in the mirror and be like:
"Keep your friends close
and your enemies closer."
[audience laughing]
No. Not really, man. You know why?
You're not a warrior. That's why. Okay?
You just, like, have a job
at the movie theater or some shit.
Keep your friends real close.
See movies with them. It works out fine.
You don't rule the nation.
[laughing]
Fucking, they're ridiculous, these guys.
They're just ridiculous.
"You know, I... Well, I've... Hey.
Just so you know...
life is a journey, okay?
It's not about the destination.
It's about the tools you use...
and the path you take."
[audience laughing]
Oh, really? I didn't know I was dealing
with the Dalai fucking Lama, dude.
"You know, don't be afraid to...
[laughing]
Don't ever be afraid
to reach your dreams."
Oh, cool, man.
"Don't ever fucking be afraid
to make your dreams a reality...
and succeed, you know?
I used to be a shell of a man, but now...
Now I know exactly
what's inside that shell.
[audience laughing]
All equal parts that make me me.
Don't ever be afraid of being you."
You know what my favorite one is?
"Just be you. Everyone else is taken."
Fuck that shit.
[audience cheering]
"Hard work, determination, perseverance,
never backing down, not stopping,
remaining focused, never quitting,
fighting the desire,
but also following the desire,
never looking over your shoulder,
fucking, army of one, no days off.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Buildings, robots, carpet, iPa... "
You're just saying words, okay?
You like words? Here's more. Eat my dick.
There's three.
[audience laughing]
- [audience cheering]
- [chuckling]
Like, who the fuck are you inspiring?
That's what I wanna know. I wanna...
That's what I wanna know.
I wanna know what guy sees that guy...
and then gets inspired.
Right? Like, what guy sees a poster
with, like, a whale's tail
breaching out of the ocean
and the word "perseverance" under it?
- Hmm.
- [audience laughing]
Let's think hard about that.
What guy sees a bunch of birds
lined up on a tree branch
and thinks "teamwork"?
[audience laughing]
Like, what guy scrolls through
that Instagram post and is like:
[chuckles] Whoa.
You ever think about that?
You ever think about perseverance?
You ever think about that?
You ever think about taking no days off?
You ever think about how you could do more
if you didn't take any days off?
Ever think about how you're an army of 1?
'Cause you're not more than other people?
You ever think about how Rome
wasn't built in a day?
You ever think about
maybe it took a few days to build Rome?
Nobody. You're not...
You're not inspiring anybody.
You know why? You know how I know?
'Cause never in the history of man
has any dude looked
at another guy's fit body and been like:
"Wow, that guy's in shape.
I'm gonna create Microsoft."
That's never fucking happened, okay?
So, eat dicks.
See, that's what happens.
That's what happens when you lie to kids.
That's what happens.
When you look at kids and you say:
"You can do anything
you put your mind to."
You get the motherfucker
that grows up and believes that.
He's like,
"Fucking time to change the world.
Here we go.
Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta.
Let's cure world hunger. Let's try
to cure world hunger. Here we go.
[grunting]
Less people hungry yet?"
[audience laughing]
Don't lie to kids.
Right? I mean, I don't know.
That's how I feel, though. Fuck that.
I don't have any kids yet,
but when I have my first kid
and that dude comes out,
no way I'm saying, "You can do anything
you put your mind to." No way.
Gonna look him in the eyes.
First thing I say is:
"You're gonna fail a lot. Aah!"
And run away.
"Life's full of hardships, buddy.
[chuckles]
Your first hardship is try and find me."
Pyoom! And just fucking...
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Fucking, pyoom, so fast that papers
are floating to the ground
like in the cartoons.
I arrive at my next destination like:
[mimics vibration sounds]
[laughing]
[mimics sad muted trumpet sounds]
What do I know? I'm saying
don't lie to kids. I have zero kids.
I have zero boys, zero girls.
That equals zero.
I've been thinking about it,
why I don't have kids... you know, yet.
And I think, really, honestly,
the answer is
if I'm being honest like I said I would,
I wouldn't pretend, and...
But more importantly,
if I'm being honest and not pretending
the reason why I don't have kids yet
is because I'm scared,
but more importantly,
it's because I'm selfish, man. For real.
Like, I mean, but that's the thing.
You could be who you want
when you don't have kids.
It doesn't matter that much, right?
Like, if you have a kid looking up at you
that... As a role model,
you gotta fucking take charge and do shit,
right?
But I don't have to.
Like, a lot of you guys fucking have kids
at home, right? And you left them.
You were like, "Bye, guys.
We'll be back later," you know?
And they were like, "Okay, can't wait
to see you when you get back." Right?
You're thinking about them when
you're laughing. You're like: "Ha, ha."
In your head you're like,
"I have a kid," you know?
That doesn't leave you.
For me, I'm selfish as shit.
I leave the house,
I don't fucking have to tell anybody.
Sometimes I pretend. I'm like,
"Bye, guys, see you later.
Ha, ha. You don't exist." I leave.
[audience laughing]
Having kids changes who you are.
It doesn't mean it changes who you are
for the worse.
It changes who you are for the better.
But still, fuck that shit.
I don't wanna be better. I wanna be me.
You can do... Be whatever you want.
In my heart, honestly,
I'm fucking cold sometimes,
and it's okay.
Bad mood? I don't have to watch myself
'cause I don't have a kid
looking up at me, right?
It doesn't matter. I could be looking
at the guy at the gym.
"You don't matter that much.
And fucking, no, I won't come
to your 42nd birthday party."
In my heart,
I'm gangster as shit sometimes.
Sometimes I look outside of my house
in my neighborhood
and I think, in this voice:
"You know what?
The streets is real out here."
And I know it to be true in my heart,
okay?
If I had a little kid looking up at me
every single day,
that would change who I was.
Just like, "Hey, Dad,
what are we going to do today?"
"Yo, man, why you looking at me
with them angel eyes, player?
Trying to keep the streets real.
And you're softening a motherfucker up,
dawg.
Fuck y'all, man.
Making me emotional.
Go to your room, player. Now.
Fucking hard as shit up in this bitch."
Having kids changes who you are,
for the better. Fuck it.
It happened to my buddy. He used
to be my best friend. Now he's a dad.
That's how selfish I am.
I can't even have a best friend dad.
I can't.
I get jealous of the kid for real.
I'll be like, "You've known me
for nine years. She's 4.
How do you explain your loyalty?"
[audience laughing]
He'll be, "I took her to the park."
I'll be, "You never took me to the park."
"I would... I would have driven you, so...
It's interesting. It's really interesting.
Really.
I'm not mad, I just... I'm interested.
I'm not mad."
Yeah, man,
he had this fucking little girl.
This little daughter girl.
This little fucking...
She's 4 years old. They live in Texas,
so, I haven't met them yet. Right?
Met them recently,
but not when he called me up 'cause he...
I live in L.A. He called me and was like,
"Hey, enough's enough.
I want you to meet my baby girl.
She's 4 already and...
We're coming out to L.A.
Are there hotels we could stay at?"
And I just spoke immediately.
I said, "No, stay at the house."
I didn't even mean it. I just said it
'cause, like, I heard my dad say it
once growing up, you know?
You're like, "I'm an adult now."
I even heard my dad's
East Coast accent come out.
I was like, [in Italian accent]
"Yeah, guys, come on over."
[in normal voice] It was like a fucking
Olive Garden commercial or something.
[in Italian accent] "Yeah, when
you're here, you're family. Come on over.
There's unlimited breadsticks
at the house."
[in normal voice] And they came over
and that fucking... That...
I mean, that little girl was directly
trying to affect how real I keep it
on these streets, you know?
She was looking at me
all cute and soft and shit.
First of all, her name is Anika,
which is like, that's so cute.
Fuck that, right?
I'm like, "How am I supposed
to keep it real and call this girl Anika?
Fuck that. I'm gonna call her Rachel.
That's a regular-ass name."
[audience laughing]
But you can't call a 4-year-old girl
a different name.
That would fuck her up for life.
Imagine her talking to her dad later on
just like, "Hey, Dad, excuse me.
I have a question for you.
Hey, Dad, excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
Hey, Dad, how come your friend that looks
like the guy from Sleepy Hollow,
why does he...?
[audience laughing]
Dad, excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad."
Why do little girls grab their pussies
from behind? That's so weird.
Don't go weird like I made them do it.
That was Jesus Christ our Lord and savior
that made them do that, okay?
If he did anything, he did everything,
including that, all right?
He did it, like, on the eighth day
or some shit.
"And on the eighth day, little girls
will grab their pussies from behind."
And even... And even the disciples
were like, "Whoa, already?
Like, we can do that later." He was like,
"It's what I thought of now. No order.
We'll get them all done."
And then he made lakes or whatever.
"Hey, Dad. Excuse me, Dad.
I have a question for you. Hey, Dad.
Can't you see I have a question for you?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Can you be done with that right now?
Hey, Dad. How come your friend
that looks like a cool, young Bob Saget,
why does he...?
And he knows it. Why does he...?
And he hates when people say that
on Twitter. Why does he...?
[audience laughing]
Why does he call me Rachel?
My name is Anika.
Am I Rachel, too?
I want to buy a bunny and then kill it.
[audience laughing]
Anika loves bunnies, but Rachel doesn't."
You know what I mean?
That's how that probably happens.
[audience laughing]
[audience member whistles]
So... [chuckles] Thank you.
So, now I gotta call this girl Anika
against my better gangster judgment.
They showed up, man.
They showed up and stayed with me.
'Cause I invited them.
That's how that works.
And they showed up.
And when they showed up, uh, my buddy,
or Ryan, the dad, my ex-best friend,
he walked in first.
And this is how.
He walked into my property
and he's walking in like thi...
This is just how he walks in.
He goes like this: "Hey, man."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "What the fuck?
Is a magic show about to start?"
I have no idea what's going on, right?
But then I realize very quickly
that he's doing it like that
'cause little Anika
is hiding behind his leg
and he's playing the dad part
and he asks... He's asking me...
He asks me, he says, "Hey, man.
By the way, have you seen Anika?"
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, "This motherfucker.
Are you serious right now?
You and I both know where that bitch is.
Come on, dawg.
I'm trying to keep this shit real, man.
Don't make me eat your bullshit dad life.
Fuck y'all, man."
Didn't give a shit how real
I tried to keep it.
He just tried to out-dad my realness.
He just did it harder.
He was like, "Fucking, come on."
[audience laughing]
And I'm stuck.
I'm like, "Fuck, man. Come on, dawg.
This your life, motherfucker.
I've been looking around for her all day,
dawg."
[audience laughing]
That's when she goes like this:
"Here I am."
I'm like, "I knew where you were, bitch!
You're not... You're holding on to his leg.
I can see your little fucking baby hands.
Disrespecting the hiding game
on my property."
I'm back to pretending.
I'm pretending again.
Thirty-six, pretending I don't know
where this little girl is.
I'm okay with calling her Anika, right?
They stay with me for a week.
You know how shit in life shapes you
and it changes you
and makes you who you are, right?
When you're a kid, you get a bunch of...
When you're Anika's age,
you got a bunch of moments
that shape you and make you who you are.
When you're an adult, don't happen much
'cause you are who you are.
But they do happen, right? Maybe
I've had four or five in my adult life.
I had one while they were staying with me
at the end that fucked me up, all right?
It was where... It made me realize
that, you know, I'm not Denzel
and I'm not the man on fire.
Life isn't my movie and maybe that's okay,
all right? So, here's what happened.
I was, uh... I was on my couch watching
my TV in my TV room in my house.
I was watching this show I like to watch,
which is The First 48, okay?
If you haven't seen the show,
it's graphic.
It, like, shows dead bodies and families
crying over loss of loved ones.
And it's confirming in my heart,
you know what?
The streets must be real out there.
I knew that shit all along, player.
So, I'm watching the show
and I'm watching the show
'cause it's what the fuck I wanna do,
okay?
Now, as I'm watching it, little Anika
walks down the stairs, all right?
Now, as I see her,
my adult brain kicks in.
The same brain that invited them over,
all right?
I was like, "You gotta change the channel.
You can't let her eyes see this
because she'll grow up
and kill bunnies, right?"
So... I was like, "Good idea.
You gotta change the channel.
So, I went to grab the remote.
As soon as I grabbed the remote,
my gangster side kicked in and I thought,
"You fucking mark-ass bitch.
You going to let this ho run your life?
Fuck that, man.
You're too real for this shit.
She's gonna change you
just like she did her father before you."
So, then I was like, "All right, I guess
she gonna learn about life tonight."
So, I'm watching this show,
doing what the fuck I wanna do
and little Anika's gotta do it, too,
'cause it's what I wanna do, all right?
Now, about 20 seconds goes by
and I realize that, you know,
she doesn't really care what's going on
'cause there's no cartoons, right?
So, I feel her kind of give up.
And she looks over at me
and she goes like this:
"Hey, Chris."
I'm like, "Fuck, I didn't know
there was gonna be dialogue in this shit."
So, I turned over, I said,
"Yeah, what the fuck you want?"
[audience laughing]
That's how I sound in my head.
I probably said something like,
"Yes, sweetheart, how can I help you?"
[chuckles]
So, she looks at me and goes like this,
"Well, um, I was wondering something."
Like, "Yeah, get on with that shit."
She goes like this, "Well."
[exhales sharply]
She did that quick breath thing
that kids do.
I don't know why they do that,
but like, "Hey. [exhales sharply] Sorry.
I don't know
how to do all of the stuffs yet.
I'm not in control of my faculties total
at this point."
So, she looks at me
and this is what she says.
She says, "Well, I was wondering, um...
do you want to see a secret garden?"
[audience laughing]
At this point, my adult brain and my
gangster are confused as shit, okay?
I looked at her, I said, "Yo, what?"
She repeated herself
like I was the fucking asshole
in this conversation.
She said, "I said...
do you want to see a secret garden?"
And, you know, I mean, like,
yeah, kind of, you know?
Probably not a secret garden
she's gonna show,
but on the off chance she's right,
what is it like, right?
Are there dragons there,
flowers with dicks on them?
Whatever there are,
I wanna Facebook about it, okay?
So, I'm curious now.
So, I grab the remote and I pause my show.
And I look at her and I say,
"Okay, show me the secret garden."
And she got so fucking excited.
She goes like this,
"Okay. Come on, follow me."
And she starts walking around like this,
like some shitty
underwater explorer, okay?
And I follow her. I catch myself
doing the same fucking thing.
I'm walking around my own house
like, hey, anything could pop up
around any one of these corners.
No, it can't. It's my house.
I put everything in it, okay?
So, now, she leads me
through the kitchen twice. Okay?
Yeah, and I'm like, "Yo, does she know
where the secret garden is or what?"
So, I casually mention to her, I was like,
"You know, uh... [chuckles]
we went through the kitchen two times.
So, like, what's the deal with that?
You know where this shit is or what?"
Again, like I'm the asshole she responded.
She says, "I know that, okay?
We had to do that 'cause that's how
you open up the portal to get there."
I have no idea.
I'm like, "You just take the wheel."
No idea what's going on. I mentioned...
I was like,
"Is there maybe a quicker way to go
because my show's still on."
And she goes like this,
"Okay, come on, let's take the shortcut."
I didn't say it, but I definitely thought,
next time start with the fucking shortcut.
So, she leads me outside to my backyard
and she goes like this, "Here it is."
"No, no. This isn't a secret at all.
I've known about this place
since I bought it. It's my own backyard.
I've had it for three years.
My dogs shit here.
They know about it, too."
I thought she was gonna change
who I was.
Instead, I checked into my gangster heart.
I looked in her eyes and I thought,
"Just another lying-ass bitch.
[audience laughing]
I've been down this road before.
Betrayal is a motherfucker.
That's how you got so real
in the first place, dawg."
So, I looked at her and I went,
"Fucking peace."
And I pivoted
and I walked back to my house.
I took about three or four steps
and that's when I heard, "Hey, Chris."
I'm like, "Oh, shit.
She got more heat for that ass, huh?
Fuck that. She ain't changing nothing.
You're still real as fuck.
See what the hell she want."
So, I turn around and say,
"Yeah? What the fuck you want now?"
And this time she's pointing and she says,
"Hey, look, there's an orange tree."
And I looked and there was an orange tree.
I have an orange tree.
I didn't know that, okay?
[audience laughing]
That's a secret, but still, fuck her.
She didn't know, right?
I was surprised. I was like,
"Shit. How you...?
Oh, my God, you brought this
like you brought this shit with you."
But I played it cool.
I was like, "All right, yeah.
Thanks for showing me that shit
that I 100 percent already knew
that I definitely without a doubt
already had.
Peace."
So, I took a few steps back to my house.
And that's when I heard in the background,
"Hey, Chris."
"Like, she really trying
to change a motherfucker. Fuck that.
She ain't changing nothing. You...
Well, you do now have an orange tree
that you didn't know about.
But that don't change
who you are on the inside.
Now, basically, you're still the same you.
Only you can enjoy a delicious orange
whenever you so choose.
Yeah, player.
Good logic.
See what the fuck she want now."
So, I turn around real as fuck and I say,
"Yeah? What the fuck you want now?"
She's still pointing, not wavering at all,
being a kid,
and she says,
"Well, um, do you want to pick one?"
And I'm like, "Man, I don't give a fuck
about this whole situation,
but... I am taller than you
and... logistically, it does make sense."
So, I grabbed the orange like a boss
and I handed it to her.
And in my head I thought, "Don't ever say
I never did nothing for you.
A favor for a favor.
That's the code of the streets.
You hear me?
One day, and it may not be tomorrow,
I may come knocking on your door
and ask you for, like, a banana
or some shit. Anyway... bye."
I pivot.
I take a few steps back to my house.
And that's when I hear
in the background again, "Hey, Chris."
Like, "She really sinking her hooks in,
man. Fuck that.
You're real. Take them hooks out.
Show her what's up."
So, I turned around and said,
"Yeah, what the fuck you want now?"
She's still standing there,
not wavering at all.
Not caring how real I'm trying to keep it,
just being a kid.
And she says, "Well, um, do you
want to pick one for yourself?"
[audience] Aw.
No, don't go "aw," fuck this bitch.
She's changing you
and she's not even really here right now.
Know how hard it was to keep streets real
while looking at her fucking angel eyes?
But I did want one.
I mean, they looked so fucking good.
[audience laughing]
So, I was like, "Man, you know what?
Let's strike a deal, man.
You could eat that shit
and pick that orange
as long as you do it
while you're keeping it real
and you eat it
while you're watching The First 48.
Yeah, player. Good logic."
So, I grabbed it.
And she was being so cute
that, like, she was really starting
to make me fucking emotional.
I went... I went, "Bye." I barely looked
at her. I went, "Okay, bye."
And I pivoted and I walked back quickly.
As soon as I touched the doorknob
of my door, I hear in the background:
"Hey, Chris."
And I'm running on empty.
I got no gas left in the tank.
I take my last breath,
I turn around and I say:
"Yeah, what the fuck you want now?"
And she knew she had me.
She was even cuter at this point.
She was smaller, her eyes got bigger.
Someone did her hair in the meantime.
And she looks at me, no bullshit,
and she actually says:
"Well, I was wondering, um,
do you want to come to my birthday party?"
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[]
Fire
Man
Fire
Fire
Fire
Fire
Yo, is this off or what?
It is, right?
Whoa, you've got to fix this shit.
- [woman] Sorry. Sorry.
- Are we good?
- What?
- [woman] I said, sorry.
You did this shit?
What, are you fucking telepathic?
[audience laughing]
Starts cutting out and shit
like an M. Night Shyamalan movie or shit.
Oh, fuck.
"I'm sorry."
It's fucking... You guys fucking apologize
over everything.
[audience cheering]
Literally...
Literally had nothing to do with it.
"I'm sorry."
"Was that you?" "No, but, you know,
the universe. I'm in it."
[audience laughing]