1
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Christina P.!
[cheering, applause]
Oh, stop it! Stop it.
Sit down, sit down. All right.
Stop it. You guys know
I cant handle that much approval.
[laughter]
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you so much for coming, Seattle.
This is so exciting!
[cheering, applause]
Oh... a lot has happened
since I was here last time.
Thats right.
I made a person come out of me!
Yeah. I dont know
if you guys have, uh, children,
but having a newborn, its, uh,
well, its a real miracle, you know?
Id say the real miracle
is that I stayed sober for nine months.
Am I right, ladies? Ha ha ha ha!
Heres the thing though, having a baby,
like, it broke me down emotionally,
spiritually, physically.
Physically, my body is dog shit.
I got tits like Rick Ross.
I dont know.
This is a pretty white audience.
Jonah Hill. Yeah, Jonah Hill.
And its so funny because the--
the big thing is breast-feeding in public,
right?
Thats a big scandal.
I dont wanna see boobs while
Im eating nachos at the restaurant.
Oh, well, dont worry about that, sir,
because once you have babies,
you dont have boobies no more.
Thats right. Cause now I got mom tits.
Thats right.
Soggy, hanging,
mushy, purple nipples!
Brown, covered in skin tags,
Morgan Freeman-looking mom tits!
Boobies are for young, beautiful girls--
like you.
You are-- How old are you, Sugar Cans?
Twenty-five. Ha ha ha ha!
Twenty-five.
Whats gonna happen tomorrow?
I dont even know.
[snorts]
I might go to brunch or, like,
Netflix and chill-- Whatever.
Its so great. Look at you.
See, youve got boobies.
Everybody stop and look. These are boobs.
Crane your neck, lady. Look, yeah.
Those are perfect.
See, boobies,
you want to just snuggle and...
and...
You know, like a soft-serve ice cream.
You wanna mash it in your face! Aaah!
But mom tits...
Mom tits you wanna throw in the trash.
And its messed up because, like,
none of my, uh, girlfriends told me
how hard it was having children.
Like, women dont admit
to feeling ambivalent sometimes
about raising kids.
Instead they use soft language,
and they say things like,
Well, hmm... having a child, its, uh...
[chuckling]
Well, its challenging.
Im like, No. No!
No. Sticking to a diet is challenging.
Doing a yoga pose is challenging.
Holding in a fart during a massage...
Which I cant do anymore, by the way.
No, I love my son. I do.
He was, like, the best thing
that ever happened to me.
He is the love of my life.
His name is Ellis, and hes 18 months old.
And I-- I love him so much.
And I am-- Thank you, yes.
Thank you for love.
Oh!
I love him so much,
and I am a fierce mama wolf.
And I would slit all of your throats...
[screams]
...to save my kids life.
But...
But sometimes
I might lock myself in the bathroom
and clean my ears,
and I might just push that Q-tip
all the way in.
Its challenging.
Nobody tells you that,
like, pregnancy, thats the fun part.
Being pregnant was so fun, you know.
Cause I would get the ultrasounds
every week,
cause I was, like, an old mom,
and I would mess with those nurses.
Theyd have that wand in me,
and Id be like,
Oh, hey, can you see
if my high school boyfriends class ring
is still in there?
Can you tell if my son is gay?
How bout black? I dont know.
The best part was lying to my husband.
Because they dont know anything
about the female body.
You can tell them anything, you know.
Id be like, Oh, Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo,
theres so much I cant do
now that Im pregnant.
Oh, I cant have wine. I cant eat sushi.
Oh, yeah, I cant give blow jobs either.
No. I read on the Internet
they make the baby autistic.
Of course, hes like, So?
Its challenging.
Its kinda crazy
when you think about it though,
like, philosophically,
when you think about how much it takes
to make every one of you,
every human being.
I mean, like, a woman carries you lovingly
in her body for nine months.
And then [raspberry] births you.
And then carries you in her arms
for two more years
and feeds you and loves you
and reads to you and sings to you.
And I gotta tell you,
most of you, not worth it.
A lot of goddamn losers on the planet.
Just genetically speaking,
millions of Snookis...
one Beyonc.
Most of you wont win a Pulitzer Prize
or a Cracker Jack prize.
What can you do?
But my favorite part of having a baby is
they tell you to have a birth plan, right?
A fucking birth plan.
As if you got anything to do
with bringing a child into this world.
Its between God and that baby.
Got nothing to do with you.
But all these nutbags in LA,
theyre like, Oh, Christina,
you gotta have that baby naturally.
You gotta do it natural.
You gotta give birth naked in a creek.
You can bite on branches for the pain.
Argh!
Well, women have been doing it that way
for thousands of years.
Well, yeah, before drugs were invented.
They were like,
Christina, whats your birth plan?
I was like, Motherfucker,
I plan on not feeling shit!
Give me the 1950s birth.
Put me out, wake me up three days later
with a baby and a martini.
Lets hand that kid off
to some nice overweight black lady
in a maid costume.
Let Maisy raise it.
Well, heres--
The black guys laughing. Its fine.
Guys, relax, okay? I mean...
I can feel your collective anuses
tightening.
Like, This is Seattle.
We dont joke like that.
So they told me-- They were like,
Christina,
youre gonna have to have a C-section.
So we schedule it.
Cause they were like,
the babys head is so big,
and youre so small.
Like your
your meow is so petite.
So, I was like, Awesome.
Im gonna have my C-section, yeah.
Okay. So what do you think happened
on the day of my planned C-section?
Moms?
Thats right.
I went into labor!
And I squeezed a human
out of this tiny, little fragile meow.
And I had to have an episiotomy.
[women] No!
Oh, yeah. For those of you who dont know,
they had to cut my taint.
[giggles, snorts]
The area between my balls
and my butt hole.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[laughs, snorts] Wow!
Wow! You think childbirth is scary.
Uh, not as terrifying
as that first post-episiotomy dump.
Holy shit, that is a nail-biter, huh?
[nervous giggling]
Oh, cause its all Frankenstein
loose-meat sandwich down there.
Yeah. Do you guys have Arbys here?
You know what Im talking about?
You dip it in the juice and then the...
Oh.
Nobody tells you that stuff, man.
Nobody tells you.
And nobody tells you this, okay?
Its not good, but--
I dont mean to scare you guys,
but when you have a baby...
you kinda hate your husband.
I mean not-- Just for, like, a lot.
You really hate him.
Just in the beginning, you know.
Youre so full of hormones,
and its so traumatic, its so weird.
And, I mean,
you could be married to Gandhi,
and you would just still just hate him!
Like, I remember breast-feeding our son
in the middle of the night,
just breast-feeding our kid
at 4:00 in the morning, rocking,
muttering to myself in the dark.
You motherfucker.
Well, your career keeps going.
Im stuck here breast-feeding this baby.
Well, have fun in New York.
That must be nice.
Can I help you with anything?
Yes, you can grow a pair of tits.
How bout that?
But then it passes. It passes.
And then you go back to normal, you know.
And, actually, I really like my husband.
I like him. I love him.
I dont know why people
marry people they hate.
You can choose who you marry.
This isnt India. Just...
I love my husband. I laugh at his jokes.
I think hes fantastic.
And then all day, every day,
I wanna punch him in his dumb face.
And its not the big things
that make you wanna kill your spouse.
Its little stuff.
Little stuff.
Like, why does he have to ask me
where everything is...
all the time...
in his own goddamn house?
Like Im Carson, the butler,
and we live in Downton Abbey or something.
All day on a loop-- Where are the keys?
Wheres the dog? Wheres the garage?
When we got married, we were so poor
we lived in a studio apartment.
A studio apartment.
And he had the nerve to ask me
where stuff was.
Wheres the spatula?
Im like, Motherfucker.
Everything we own
is out. Like, what...
How lazy are you?
But I dont nag.
Dont nag. It falls on deaf ears.
Do what I do:
Use positive reenforcement.
Positive. Like Cesar Millan.
[Spanish accent]
I use calm assertive energies.
I am the pack leader.
So when I see the behavior
Id like to see more of,
I encourage it.
Ill see him doing something,
Ill get up behind him,
Ill be like, Oh, oh, yeah.
Mmm, you loading up that dishwasher?
Oh, you know clean dishes
make me wanna suck stuff.
But dont say that
unless you mean it cause
theyll come looking for payment quick.
And then you gotta be like, No!
Or whatever that stupid
Well, no, cause theres a small window
where a woman will do that, you know.
And I mean like
in the beginning of the relationship,
thats the best for a guy.
Thats blow job season.
In the beginning,
were so thrilled to be there,
well blow you for anything.
You got me tickets to the comedy show?
[grunting]
Six-piece McNuggets.
[grunting]
You open the car door for me?
[grunting]
And then you get married, and its like
Honeymoon blow job?
No, we stopped serving that yesterday.
Yeah, that aint on the menu anymore,
my man.
You better get that
while the gettings good.
But you gotta do that stuff, you know,
you gotta, Oh, I love it.
Well, you have to, man.
I dont wanna be single.
Are you kidding me?
No way, not in this era. Uh-uh.
No way. Cause women, you know,
we cant just get all old and fat
like in the good ol days, you know?
Like, now, now we gotta maintain
our fuckability at every era of our lives.
Its exhausting.
You know,
Kathy Bates is an amazing actress
because she kinda has to be.
You know, I mean, like, you turn 30,
you pump out a kid,
and now they call you MILF.
Blah-blah-blah!
Forty, and now Im a cougar. [snarls]
Then youre a grandma, and youre like,
Ah, sweet. Im out of the system.
No, you aint.
Now, now, they call you a GILF.
A grandma Id like to fuck.
No, not Nana.
Not sweet, butterscotch candy-givin Nana!
No!
And heres the thing thats wack.
Theres nothin for dudes, right?
They dont call you guys animal names
or acronyms.
They dont call you guys DILFS.
Well, its true, you know, cause theres
no such thing as a dad you wanna fuck.
Well, no, I know this because
Ive been in the airports in the Midwest,
and I have seen the dads.
Oh, Ive seen you dads.
Really, Dad?
You think some woman is gonna be like,
Oh, yeah.
Dad. Oh.
I love those faded blue jeans you got on.
Mm-mmm! Oh, is that a brown braided belt?
How do you keep those white
New Balance sneakers so white, Dad?
Oh, oh, is that a phone holster?
Ring-ring, official dad business.
Dad, I love the clever way you kept those
glasses on your head with that rope.
But what always gets me, dads,
its always in the jeans.
Oh, its always in those jeans.
Cause theyre always so high
and so tight.
Theyre so high and tight.
[cheering]
Yeah!
You can almost see the outline...
of Dads vagina.
Right next to
That expired Subway punch card
In Dads wallet
Oh, my God. Who am I?
Who are we?
Oh, my gosh. I cant believe Im a parent.
I cant believe I have to raise a human
in this world.
The world is so messed up.
And-- And I feel bad for this generation.
I really feel bad for millennials,
for you guys, like... yeah.
Well, cause everybody hates you so much.
See? They hate you.
[laughs] Yeah, kill her. Yeah.
I know, its so messed up,
and I think the reason
that people dont like you that are my age
is because you guys
like yourselves so much.
You guys have self-esteem.
And my generation, we did not.
Like, we hated ourselves.
Like, our song was Loser, by Beck.
Right.
But its not your fault, man.
What happened was the Gen Xers--
Im a Gen Xer, I guess,
on the tail end of it, whatever--
we overcompensated
for our crummy childhoods,
and we oversteered the ship, man.
And now theres helicopter parenting
and attachment parenting
and homeschooling and unschooling
and paleo diet and vegan diet.
Nobody can get their feelings hurt.
Safety obsession.
In my neighborhood, a child
cant even walk to the park by themselves
unless they wear a sign that says
free-range kid.
Yeah, were all freaked out about stuff
that we decided on long ago.
Things like vaccines.
There are people who are not vaccinating
their children.
Yeah. And you know why?
It kind of happened, in part,
because of Jenny McCarthy.
-You know who Jenny McCarthy is, yeah.
-[audience murmuring, booing]
Former Playboy playmate,
uh, author of nine books.
Nine books.
The Ernest Hemingway
of cum Dumpsters, yeah.
So...
Uh, which is fine, but Jenny--
What happened was Jenny--
Jenny read a study,
or somebody read it to her, and
the study linked autism to vaccines.
It was later totally disproven, okay?
But, in the meantime, this dum-dum
went on all the womens talk shows
and told women
not to vaccinate their children.
And now you have women in LA
saying things like, Well...
I dont have to vaccinate my kid
cause theres no such thing
as whooping cough or polio.
Well, yeah, because of the vaccine,
you dumb cunt.
[cheering, applause]
Yeah.
Thats kind of how it works.
Everyone gets the shot,
and then were all immune to the disease,
but it only works if we all participate.
Like a potluck or a circle jerk.
And why are we taking advice from
the lady who married the wrong Wahlberg?
I was reading
about the greatest generation.
So these are Americans
born during the Depression era,
so they grow up all poor and shitty.
And then
And then, lucky them,
they got to go fight World War II.
But heres the thing.
They came back from the war,
and they built this country
into the powerhouse economy
that it was at the time.
Discipline, hardship, fortitude.
Now, Im not saying that this generation
hasnt had its share of hardships.
I mean, who can forget
the great gluten intolerance?
Or the peanut allergies
that ravage the nations kindergartens?
Or the horrors...
of dial-up Internet?
I cant say it.
But you guys have renamed
collard greens kale.
That was pretty awesome.
That was good, right?
Whatever. You know what?
The greatest generation,
they played Call of Duty too.
Except for real in foxholes in France.
Theres no rebellion in you guys.
Theres no rebellion.
You guys are supposed to hate
your parents music, not remix it, right?
You know that.
It aint your fault.
We sucked it right out of you.
We sucked the rebellion right out of you.
And we did it by making you
offended at everything.
Its a full-time job being offended.
Im offended.
Do you know that people are offended
by things Justin Bieber tweets?
Who I love. I love Justin Bieber.
He is so pretty.
He is growing into a lovely Hilary Swank.
I adore him.
But hes not offensive.
Come on, man, come on.
I mean, I grew up in an era
with a bad bitch named Madonna.
Yes, now, Madonna,
in the Like a Prayer video,
was burning crosses
and French-kissing black Jesus.
Whoa! Now, thats offensive.
Especially because we all know
Jesus is white, right?
Up tall, my man. Yeah.
Racist, racist. Wow.
Did you see that?
Wow. Make America Great Again.
I heard you, sir.
Offended.
Its so stupid.
I grew up in such an offensive household.
My parents divorced,
and then my mother remarried
to an Indian guy.
Like a fuckin...
[imitates sitar]
Like...
Indian guy, man.
Like diarrhea, not cowboy. Indian.
Temple of Doom , not Dances with Wolves .
7-Eleven, not 911.
There it is.
There it is.
I call that guy the Turbanator
every day.
There were no tears.
Whatever. Remember
Remember a time...
Remember a time
when you just had a racist dad?
Even if you werent white,
your dad just hated every other race.
And he said crazy stuff all the time.
Like, The Chinese
are eating all the cookies.
Women cant read.
I didnt internalize that stuff.
You know how much sexist crap
I heard growing up?
You think I let them define me? No way.
Yeah, man, dont let the outside world
tell you who you are.
Instead I just went,
Oh, yeah, my dads an asshole.
And I moved on with my life.
Dont let them tell you.
And stop it.
Stop trying to make old white guys
politically correct.
It aint gonna happen.
It aint gonna happen.
And its not their fault, you know.
Cause they were raised
like serial killers.
Its true. Guys your dads age,
they were told as little boys not to cry.
Could you imagine that?
Telling a little boy, like,
Ah, suck it up, sissy!
Quit your crying, homo!
You know what happens, by the way,
when you tell little boys not to cry?
They grow up to become men
who grab women by their pussies.
Thats right.
I dont know.
I dont even know how
Im gonna raise a boy in todays world.
I mean I cant, um--
I cant dress him up in blue.
Well, because he hasnt chosen
his gender identity yet.
Its child abuse. I have to call him
toddler self or baby self.
Have you heard about this stuff
called non-binary?
[giggles]
Okay. This is mind-blowing to me.
I dont know.
Uh, so theres this thing--
Its not the same as sexual orientation.
Its not like being gay or straight
or bisexual.
Its your gender expression, right?
So, in the morning, you could be like,
Hey, Im a woman.
And then by lunch, be like,
Im kind of a dude.
You can be astral-gendered.
Yes, color-gendered.
You can be animal-gendered.
You can ask that people call you
different pronouns,
like zim, zer, or zey.
Imagine explaining non-binary
to your dad.
My dad was like, Oh, yeah.
[Hungarian accent]
We used to call them faggots.
Well, you cant explain that stuff
to old people. Okay?
My dad still doesnt get the difference
between the TV and cable remotes.
Its been 15 years!
But that whole non-binary zim-zer
That stuffs always been around.
Thats not new, by the way.
That aint new.
But
But the zim-zers have always
been spectacular.
Theyve always been exceptional.
You know what I mean?
Theyve always been, like, David Bowie.
Not Keegan who runs
the juice bar at Whole Foods.
But whatever.
I dont discriminate based on gender
or sexual orientation or race or weight.
None of that, man.
I dont judge based on that.
I judge based on grammar.
-[hooting, applause]
-Yeah. Oh, yeah.
If I have to hear one more person say,
Me and Tom are going to the beach,
or Me and Stacy are going to dinner.
Its never me and so-and-so, fucktard.
-You sound
-[man] Yes!
You sound like Cookie Monster
when you say that.
Oh, me lost me cookie at the disco.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
Yeah, me is gonna have an aneurysm
if I have to hear that one more time.
And you dont go and check out books
from the liberry.
You dont go to Starbucks
and order an expresso.
Its not irregardless.
J.Los ass is not volumptuous.
And you dont lack the stanima.
[applauding]
Yeah.
But my personal favorite
is when people are like,
You know what, Christina?
Thats just a blessing in the skies.
And Im like,
Oh, yeah? Way up there, huh?
[sighs]
And then Caitlyn Jenner happened.
Oh, are we sufficiently sick and tired
of Caitlyn Jenner?
-[snorts] Yeah, Im over it. Over it.
-[applauding]
And Im not ragging on Caitlyn
because shes transgendered
or a member of the LGBT-QRSTUV,
sometimes-Y community.
How many letters are we gonna add to that?
Its like solving the final puzzle
on Wheel of Fortune .
Call me Caitlyn.
Call me Caitlyn, damn it.
All right. Shit.
Weve been calling you Bruce for 70 years.
Give us a minute!
Well catch up to you.
Caitlyn.
Caitlyns not, like, a hot girl name.
You know, youd think that youd
wait 70 years to be a woman,
youd choose kind of a--
kind of a sexy name.
Youd think one of her girlfriends
would have been like, Look, bitch.
Uh-uh. Caitlyn-- Caitlyn aint a hot name.
Caitlyn does your taxes.
But Krystal?
Shes a whore.
Like, Caitlyn will go down on you.
But Krystal?
Shell eat your ass.
Yeah.
I mean, the honest-to-God truth is,
why Im annoyed with Caitlyn Jenner,
is cause that whole thing happened
and it was like the sky opened
and comedy manna just fell.
And all the comedians were like,
Yes! Ch-Ching! Here it is, guys!
Bruce is Caitlyn. Lets go.
But we werent allowed to make fun of her.
Nobody was allowed
to make fun of Caitlyn Jenner
because Caitlyn Jenners a hero!
Caitlyn Jenners a hero!
All right, all right,
Caitlyn Jenners a hero.
But lets not forget the other hero,
which is Photoshop.
Am I right? Okay? A little--
Its still a little ratchet, you know.
Uh, Christina, thats trans-phobic.
Well, she wants to be a woman,
its time to get criticized like one.
[cheering, applause]
Oh! Welcome to the sisterhood, bitch!
And fuck you for joining after menopause.
She can handle it. Caitlyns a big girl.
She can handle the jokes.
Shes a member of the most famous family
in the world.
And the TV show,
Keeping Up With the Kardashians .
Oh, my God, Im over it, man.
I love the title.
Its very misleading, first of all.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Keeping up with them?
Like, whoa, what are these women doing?
Are we digging wells in Uganda?
Are we feeding Romanian orphans?
Nope. Just waxing our pussies.
Its our fault. Women.
Were watching this crap.
And then theres spin-off shows.
Theres Kourtney and Kim Take New York
and Kourtney and Kim Take Miami .
How about Kourtney and Kim Take Algebra ?
Id watch every episode of that show.
Oh, my God. Math is hard.
Cant I just blow someone
to do it for me?
Well, youre in luck, Kim.
The Miami Heats in town.
Oh, right. Like those guys can do math.
Come on.
Kourtney and Kim. What the fuck?
If those two girls werent rich,
it would be
Kourtney and Kim Take Your Order .
I mean, I dont know. Theyre okay.
I mean, theyre pretty. Thats awesome.
I just feel like I dont--
I dont, uh, like the narcissism.
Theyre just too narcissistic.
This whole thing--
What is that where you take the same
picture of yourself over and over?
-What is that called?
-[man] Selfie.
Mental illness. Thank you. Yeah.
[laughing]
Love me, Daddy? How bout now?
Maybe if I get enough likes
itll fill the void in my heart.
[whines]
I dont know. I grew up in a crazy--
We grew up in a crazy, resilient time.
You know that our generation is
considered the least-parented generation?
Thats true. Look that shit up
on Wikipedia. Its there.
The least-parented.
And we dealt with crazy stuff, man.
Like, uh, crack cocaine.
And AIDS.
And Friends .
I remember when AIDS first came out,
you didnt know how you could get it.
Nobody knew how you could get AIDS,
and people would say crazy stuff like,
You can catch AIDS
from a toilet seat at a musical.
-We had no idea.
-[mild laughter]
I like that joke so much more than you do.
[laughter]
Im never gonna stop telling it. Never.
Its for me. Just for me.
Yeah, we were
the least-parented generation.
We were latchkey kids.
You know what that is, Millennial?
Is that a band? No, its not a band.
Okay, so a latchkey kid--
Heres what it was.
You had a key to your own house
and you would go to
junior high school or whatever
and school would let out,
and then rather than arrange
for proper child care
you would let yourself into your own home.
And then
I dont know.
You could be alive
by the time your mom got home.
And we ate terrible food,
food you could only cook in a microwave
cause you couldnt use the stove
until your mom got home.
Yeah, I grew up
on a steady white trash diet
of tater tots,
frozen pizza with that fake cheese--
it wasnt even cheese, it was rubber--
and Chef Boyardee in the can.
Oh, it was so good,
with the fake meatballs.
And then youd eat it and have,
like, an electric orange ring
around your mouth.
People are like,
Are you wearing lipstick?
No, just the glow of a healthy diet.
[laughs]
But to this day, my death row meal
is macaroni and cheese.
[audience] Whoo!
Dude, that is my jam! I love that shit!
Now, my husband grew up with two parents
who never threw
plates of food at each other.
[mock blabbering]
Mm-hmm.
So he didnt know how to make
macaroni and cheese.
Right.
So I was like,
Youd better get your entire life
Im gonna show you how to do this.
So I was showing him
how to make macaroni and cheese
and explaining to him
how its never cheesy enough.
Theres never enough
goddamn orange powder.
Its never cheesy enough!
He goes,
Why dont you open up a second box
take the flavor packet out of that one
and put that on the first.
I was like,
Motherfucker, were not millionaires!
Oh, okay, Rockefeller, yes.
Oh, I bet you pay for Pandora too, huh?
Uh-uh.
We had things called PSAs--
public service announcements.
These taught you how to raise yourself.
There were commercials on television
that taught kids
how to not get set on fire.
And little Emmanuel Lewis would come out--
little Webster--
Hey, kids,
we know you love to play with matches.
Nobodys gonna tell you to stop.
But if you get set on fire--
I dont know, stop, drop and roll
or some shit. Thats your problem.
And thats one to grow on.
Except for me.
Im a forever puppy.
And then there was, um-- there was a dog
who wore a detectives costume.
McGruff!
Ironically, the detectives costume
also looked like a pedophiles
outfit.
And he had that terrifying
East Coast accent.
And hed be, like, Hey, kids!
You see a guy whos got a van in an alley
who says hes got somethin to show you,
dont look!
That guys gonna fuck you!
Now, take a bite out of my cock--
I mean, crime! Crime! Crime.
Its interesting,
cause once you have kids
you start to look at how you were raised,
you know.
And my therapist is always
saying things like,
Well, Christina, you know, your parents,
they did the best they could.
Not really.
Nope. [laughs]
I mean, I have empathy for them
because they were immigrants.
My parents had a hard-knocks life.
They escaped from Hungary
during Communism and--
For those of you who might not remember,
Communism
is when Rocky fought Ivan Drago.
So my parents escaped from a country
full of murder and poverty and corruption
and they moved to Detroit.
Yeah, kind of a lateral move.
But, uh-- My mom is gone now.
But she was-- she was really crazy.
And, like, not-- Mmm. Not the way
every comedian comes up here and is like,
Oh, my moms so crazy.
One time she mixed ranch dressing
with Thousand Island dressing.
No, my mom was legit cray-cray.
Like tinfoil on the windows
to block out alien frequencies.
Wouldnt use the telephone or send e-mails
because theyre listening!
Turns out they are, but thats
another story.
Ah! Moms always right. [chuckles]
I still have my dad, and my dad is, like,
a hard-core Eastern Bloc dude, you know.
He was a forklift mechanic his whole life.
He eats sausage three meals a day.
Hates feelings, loves Speedos.
Thats my dad.
And my father had a real love
for our family dog.
And as dogs do, this one died.
And he was reminiscing with me
the other day about our family dog.
He goes, Ah, Christika,
ah, fuck, I loved this dog.
I mean, I come home from work,
hes happy to see me.
I go take a piss in the other room,
hes following me.
I have so much love for this dog.
I have a-- Whats the word?
Unconditional love.
I dont feel this way for anybody else.
Yeah. Our son was learning how to walk.
It was, like, the most awesome moment
in a parents life. Right?
Oh, my God, my babys walking.
And my dads there
and were encouraging him.
Were like, Come on, baby, you can do it!
Come on, Ellis, you can do it!
Good job, good job, good job!
My dad goes,
Ah, shit.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
All this good job, good job, good job.
How about at, like, the end of the day,
one good job?
Cause were raising a Russian gymnast.
You know, you gotta
My therapist says Im being too negative,
so I wanna close this special
on something positive.
Lets talk about death.
-Yay! Okay, good. Yeah!
-[applause]
Oh, how fun!
I hate it when old celebrities die.
Not when its the young ones.
When its the young ones I get excited.
Oh, is Macaulay Culkin finally gone?
Any day now its gonna happen.
Put him on your death pool.
I just hate it because in LA
when an old celebrity dies,
they cover it on the news 24-7.
I remember when Nancy Reagan died.
It was like, Oh! Oh!
Nancy Reagan dead at 94!
The tragic and untimely death
of Nancy Reagan.
And youre like, what?
I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen this year for Nance?
Did you think she was gonna
join CrossFit and learn Mandarin?
Ninety-four!
You shouldnt live that long.
Did you know, in the medieval period
you died at 35? Thirty-five, lights out.
And you died of crazy stuff.
Like, a dragon would come out of the sky!
[hisses] Breathe fire on you!
Orcs with their machetes would just--
[snarls]
Slice you right in half, man.
Ninety-four?
What are you gonna do with that much life?
And Im not, like, suicidal
or anything like that.
Like, I love life.
I am a goddess. I made life.
But theres only so much shit
you can do on the planet.
You know what I mean?
Like, youre born, hopefully,
in a first-world country, right?
If youre lucky, you get two parents.
Maybe one of them is remotely normal.
You go to junior high school.
You learn to smoke some cigarettes.
You turn goth.
You get finger-blasted by some nice guy
behind the racquetball courts.
In the summer of 1991
you go to Lollapalooza
and drop two hits of acid instead of one,
freak out and lose your mind
during Janes Addictions Ocean Size.
You have to leave,
and you forever regret that
because they broke up shortly after
and you never got to see them perform.
You go to college.
You study philosophy.
You graduate,
only to find that they arent hiring
at the philosophy company.
You get a job,
or 22 of them in the course of four years,
that you either quit or get fired from
until you find something
you really enjoy doing,
and you stick to it and you grind it out,
week after week,
in seafood restaurants, hibachi grills
and dive bars and comedy clubs
until finally, finally ,
after 14 fuckin years,
they give you your own goddamn
comedy special in Seattle!
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah.
You get married, you pump out some kids,
you get a mortgage.
You come to the comedy show. You make
the mistake of sitting in the front row.
You go home.
You screw. You take a shit.
And then you die.
And thats it.
Unless youre Buddhist.
Then rinse and repeat.
And thats life!
And thats life.
And its beautiful because its finite.
Theres a beginning, a middle and an end.
But some people
dont want to leave this planet.
Mm-mmm. Some people get greedy with life.
Greedy motherfuckers.
People like Dick Clark.
Oh, you remember Dick Clark, right?
Hosted American Bandstand
and New Years Rockin Eve .
And he was really good. He was on TV
from the time television was invented.
Quite literally. Literally.
And he was really good at his job.
Until one day
Dickie had a stroke.
And I mean like a
[groaning]
A stroke.
It was bad.
So bad. Like
You ever see, like,
a 15-year-old Chihuahua?
Like, a really old one?
Blind in one eye,
patchy fur, that gnaws on itself.
[snarling]
But with an ironic name
like Sunshine or Hope.
That was Dick Clark.
I know, and youd think that
somebody who worked in television,
where this is really important,
might step down from the gig.
Not old Dickie.
This narcissistic douche bag
refused to stop hosting
New Years Rockin Eve
because he was convinced
he was the only person in show biz
who could count backwards from ten to one.
Now, I wasnt there for the last time
he hosted New Years Rockin Eve ,
but, I mean,
Id like to act it out for you, if I
[audience cheering, applauding]
[laughing]
Well, I guess I have to. Okay!
Here we go. [clears throat]
Dick Clark hosting New Years Rockin Eve
for the last time. Here it is.
Hey, were comin at you
live from Times Square.
We got Dick Clark down on the ground.
Hey, Dick, tell us, how do all those
hot guys and gals look tonight?
I can see their pussies!
[laughs]
Ah, Dick, we never know
what youre gonna say.
Hey, why dont you go ahead
and just do the countdown, Dick?
Just go ahead and count us down.
Ten
four
Salmon is delicious
Aw, geez, these Puerto Ricans
basically fuck in the street, dont they?
Well, thats it for us.
Id really watch that show if he did that.
I think my therapist is right.
Im being too negative.
Thats why Im gonna
get positive on death.
Here is my proposal to you, Seattle.
You give me
the last two weeks of your life
and we go on
your last cruise.
Hear me out.
I get us a nice ship. A nice one.
Not that Carnival Walmart-at-sea shit.
Like a
Like one of those Italian ones, you know?
You come on my boat,
I give you a bag of black tar heroin
and a bunch of filthy needles.
Cause who gives a shit, right?
[laughs, snorts]
And we do all the drugs
youve ever wanted to do.
Its LSD, GHB, DMT.
We call Cosby, get some quaaludes.
Crystal meth. Cocaine.
We get so high that
we grind our teeth down to nubbins.
[yapping]
We have the cosmic realization
that theres only one of us here.
Were all spokes on the same wheel
of human existence.
There is no man, there is no woman,
there is no black, there is no white,
there is no non-binary--
[whispers] There is no non-binary.
Were all manifestations
of one glorious, loving being.
Love is the only thing that matters.
Love is the only thing that is real.
Control is an illusion.
The only thing you can control
are the thoughts in your head,
and as Socrates said,
the unexamined life is not worth living.
And as Bill and Ted said,
be excellent to each other.
[cheering, applause]
Yes, thank you. Thank you.
[clears throat]
And after that the buffet, because
we havent eaten in, like, four days.
And its everything youve ever wanted.
Its, uh, macaroni and cheese
with plenty of orange.
Chef Boyardee. As many cans as you like.
Theres a chocolate fountain
that guys can stick their wieners in.
Whoo! Look at me!
So weve done the drugs,
weve done the eating.
And now comes the sex.
Oh, the sex.
And it is Sodom and Gomorrah.
Everybody runs a train on the millennial.
Oh, theres so much fucking and sucking
and 69, or whatever that is.
And theres so much cum.
Theres so much.
And just when you think
there cant be more cum
Katy Perry comes on board.
And she blows all the guys.
But none of the wives
or girlfriends get mad
because Ryan Gosling, he comes on board.
And he listens to all of us.
Glorious.
Glorious.
Okay, so, you know, thats it.
Its the end of the two weeks and weve
done all the partying we can handle.
Thats it. Its the end of the road.
And thats when I bring out the catapult.
Oh, Seattle sees where this is going.
Some cities dont.
I bring out the catapult,
I put you in it and-- Psssshhh!
I shoot you off into the ocean
and you get eaten by a megalodon shark.
Guys, those are real.
The shark eats you, digests you.
[imitates fart] You know, craps you out.
And then your soul goes to heaven.
Because in my world,
we all go to heaven.
Thats right. And you get to meet God.
And holy shit.
Its Dick Clark!
These Puerto Ricans
are fuckin everywhere up here!
Thank you guys so much!
-[cheering, applauding]
-What a wonderful night!
Thank you so much for being here!