Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom,
lived a beautiful little girl...
...and her widowed father.
It's beautiful.
Okay. It wasn't that long ago.
And it wasn't really a faraway kingdom.
It was the San Fernando Valley.
It looked faraway...
...because you barely see it
through the smog.
But to me, growing up,
the Valley was my kingdom.
I was my dad's best friend.
And he was mine.
Being raised by a man put me behind in
the makeup and fashion departments.
But I never felt like I missed out
on anything.
I was the luckiest girl in the world.
My dad owned the coolest diner.
I loved hanging out there.
Diet was a four-letter word here...
...and grease came
at no additional charge.
At Hal's, everyone felt like family.
Oh, yeah, I have drinks.
Happy birthday!
Make a wish, princess.
What did I need a wish for?
I had amazing friends and the coolest dad.
But I guess my dad thought I needed
one more thing: Fiona.
I am so sorry.
You look beautiful, Fiona.
Hey, Hal!
Along with my new stepmother came
her twin daughters, Brianna and Gabriella.
My out-of-step-sisters.
But as long as my dad was happy, so was I.
We were going to be one big, happy family.
Cheese.
One's enough.
Unfortunately, this was no fairy tale.
"He took her hand, and he kissed it.
Then he swooped her up onto
his horse.
And the beautiful princess and the
handsome prince rode off to his castle...
...where they lived happily ever after. "
Do fairy tales come true, Dad?
Well, no. But dreams come true.
- Do you have a dream?
- Yeah.
My dream is that you'll grow up
and go to college...
...and then maybe someday you'll build
your own castle.
Where do princesses go to college?
They go...
...where the princes go.
They go to Princeton.
But, Sam, you know, fairy tales aren't
just about finding handsome princes.
They're about fulfilling your dreams...
...and about standing up for what
you believe in.
As I always say, never let the
fear of striking out...
- Keep you from playing the game.
- Right.
Just remember, if you look carefully,
this book contains important things...
...that you may need to know
later in life.
- Earthquake.
- My kingdom crumbled...
...during the Northridge earthquake.
Help! Help!
- Don't go.
- I'll be right back.
I lost my best friend that day.
From then on, the only fairy tales
in my life...
...were the ones I read about in books.
Since my father didn't leave a will,
my stepmother got everything.
The house, the diner,
and to her dismay, me.
Sam.
Sammy.
Sam!
It's breakfast time.
So bring me my breakfast.
Sam!
Careful, ladies. Look for the eyes.
One, two, three, bicycle.
And feint. Magpie, magpie, magpie.
Flap and flap and flap. Mary Lou Retton!
Palm tree and palm tree.
Lady Liberty. Lady Liberty.
Around the harbor. Around the harbor.
Circle Line tour.
And hurricane.
Can you believe how extraordinarily
gifted my girls are?
Absolutely unbelievable. Really.
- Sam!
- Find each other. Look in the eyes.
- I'm coming.
- One, two, three and four...
...and right, left, up and down.
Is this the Norwegian salmon I asked for?
I need my omega-3s.
Only the best.
I can tell.
You know, it costs a fortune to fly
that stuff in from Norwegia.
And push it, ladies. Push it, ladies.
Push it, ladies.
Ready? Okay.
- Gross. Mom!
- I have a spastic colon.
Well, you have a spastic brain.
- Stop. Stop hitting her. Stop.
- You bit me.
What are you doing just standing there?
Get to work.
I can't go to work now.
I've got a big test I have to study for.
Listen, Sam. People go to school
to get smarter...
...so that they can get a job.
You already have a job.
So it's like skipping a step.
Come on, get going.
And Flying Karamazov.
No, honey. Leave those on.
The lawn looks a little brown.
Fiona, we're supposed to be conserving
water. We're in the middle of a drought.
Droughts are for poor people.
Do you think J. Lo has a brown lawn?
People who use extra water
have extra class.
You call that grade-A beef? Well, that cow
must have cheated on his test.
Pickup.
Bobby, enough with the salmon.
You already made a salmon omelet, salmon
soup and salmon pudding. Come on.
- Help me. Fiona wants to eat me.
- That's nasty.
- Bite me, Rhonda. Bite me.
- That's nasty.
- Eleanor, your order's up.
- Coming. I got it.
Safe.
I'm okay.
- Chuck, how you doing?
- Super.
That's good. So cheese omelet,
extra bacon, crisp...
...blueberry muffin and a Coke.
- Make it a Diet Coke.
I'm trying to watch my weight.
It ain't going nowhere.
Pick up these salmon waffles.
- Sam, why are you still here?
- I'm almost done.
- You'll be late for school.
- I'll get there.
- Fiona goes ballistic if I don't finish.
- I don't care.
What I care about is your education.
She's got you getting up
at the crack of dawn.
- Your dad would want you at school.
- But...
No more "buts. " You just leave Fiona
and her big butt to me.
- Thanks, Rhonda.
- Get.
Hey, looking good, Mr. Farrell.
A man's best friend is his Mercedes,
Sam.
I'll remember that.
Any... Anything is possible
if you just believe.
- Anything is possible if you just...
- Audition today, son?
- Yeah, 5:00, all right? Tell Mom.
- Knock them dead.
Dad. Now, do you see what I have to go
to school in? No offense, Sam.
Honestly, don't you feel sorry
for me?
No, I feel sorry about the three cars
we got you that you totaled.
Okay. All right.
- Carter, what are you wearing?
- What...?
This is my Snoop Dizzle look.
I cannot drive you to school like that.
Sam, I am a Method actor, okay?
This is part of my training.
I know, I know, I know. But look at this.
All right. Take two.
Buenos dias, Fighting Frogs.
Here's your daily drought reminder
to conserve agua.
Cut your showers short.
Brownie points go out to Mr. Rothman,
who hasn't had one in weeks.
Remember, today's your last chance
to get tickets...
...to the big Halloween homecoming
dance.
You too can dress up like someone
you're not, for a change.
- I mean, I...
- I pledge allegiance to the flag...
...of the United States of America,
and to the republic...
...for which it stands, one nation...
Primo parking spot dead ahead.
- Okay, there's a spot. There's a spot.
- Sam, watch out. Watch out.
Okay. You snooze, you lose!
Well, if it isn't Shelby Cummings
and her ladies in waiting.
- Shelby wants me so bad.
- You've never even talked to her before.
Oh, I've talked to her. Okay?
In my mind. And let me tell you,
in my mind, she wants me so bad.
Carter, you could do so much better than
Shelby Cummings. Even in your mind.
- There's another spot.
- Got it.
Come on.
Austin.
People like Shelby and Austin...
...are genetically programmed
to find each other.
How can so much ego be
in one relationship?
- Imagine what they say about you.
- They don't even know I exist.
Stalkerazzi at 3 o'clock.
The white zone is for cool people only.
No geeks.
Hey, diner girl, can I get a
breakfast burrito to go? Thank you.
And you thought they didn't
know you exist.
- That car's as old as that hat.
- Right.
Move. Move. Move.
- Move. Move.
- Hi.
Shelby. Hey, sister-friend.
Remind me why we tolerate them.
They gave you a Prada bag
for your birthday.
Try "Frada" bag. Totally fake.
Greetings. Samantha, you look absolutely
stunning today, as per usual.
Thank you, Terry.
If you'll excuse me, I must get back
to my galaxy now.
Zion, Lieutenant Terry here. Hello?
Can you hear me? Captain?
You're going in and out.
- Poor guy.
- At least he's happy.
- Happy? Guy lives in another world.
- I copy.
Sometimes fantasy is better
than reality, Carter.
- Speaking of fantasy.
- I'll see you later.
Yes, the secret admirer beckons.
Where have you been?
We haven't talked in ages.
We talked this morning.
I can't stop thinking about you.
What's on your mind right now?
You first.
Well, I'm thinking that Professor Rothman's
dissected one too many frogs.
Ribet, ribet.
Laugh out loud.
I wanna hear your laugh.
When can we finally meet?
Soon.
How's your day so far?
Raging stepmom, work and cool kids
who can't get over themselves.
- Ever feel like you don't belong?
- Absolutely.
I can be surrounded by a sea
of people and still feel all alone.
Then I think of you.
Hey, Nomad, do you think
we've ever met?
I don't know. Our school
has over 3500 kids.
Well, that narrows it down.
Well, at least I can eliminate the guys.
You're not a guy, right? Because if you are,
I'll kick your butt.
I am not a guy.
Have you told your dad
about Princeton yet?
If only I could. I haven't even told him
I wanna be a writer.
My father always encouraged me
to pursue my dreams.
Not mine. He has another plan
for my life.
It's 2 a. m. We've been at this
for five hours.
Well, I think we broke our record.
- We should turn in. Sweet dreams.
- Wait.
I can't sleep without knowing
there's hope.
Half the night I waste in sighs.
In a wakeful doze I sorrow.
For the hand, the lips...
...the eyes.
For the meeting of tomorrow.
Quoting Tennyson. Impressive.
Please meet me at the
homecoming dance.
I'll be waiting for you at 11:00
in the middle of the dance floor.
Sweet dreams.
That was close.
- You're finally gonna be able to meet him.
- I don't know. He's too good to be true.
Come on. It's been, like, a month since you
met him in that Princeton chat room, okay?
- You talk to him all the time. You know him.
- I know, but he doesn't know me.
What if I meet him
and I'm not what he expects?
Maybe this whole relationship's
just better for cyberspace.
Listen, okay? You have to go
to that dance, okay?
This Nomad guy isn't gonna be in one place
for long, all right?
- Lf it helps, I'll be your escort.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You rock, Carter.
- Hello?
- Sam.
Some little brat got into my salmon
and ate it all.
I need more salmon.
And pick up my dry cleaning.
And wash the Jag.
Fiona. One more pitch.
- Why do you act like her slave?
- Simple. No Fiona, no money for Princeton.
- That sucks.
- Tell me about it.
Hey, it's out of here.
Damn, a girl hit that.
See, now that's impressive.
So, what are you and Shelby going
to the dance as?
I don't know if I'm going with Shelby.
You're not gonna go with Shelby?
Who else you gonna go with?
I don't know. It's a mystery to me.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Okay, guys. Come on.
A little bit further. Right there.
Thirty percent off for USC alumni.
Looks good, my friend.
Make sure you get these rims.
- Austin.
- What's up?
What's with all those college brochures
in your bedroom?
What are you doing in my room?
- I'm trying to keep my options open.
- You don't need options.
It is all taken care of.
Look, son, we've been working on this
program since you were 9 years old.
You're gonna play USC football,
graduate...
...and then you'll manage this business
with me. Your future's set.
So don't mess with the plan. All right?
Wouldn't think of it.
There's another customer.
Go make them happy.
Yes, sir, here's your car.
Well, you need a wax.
- Excuse me?
- I meant the car.
Oh, fine.
- Austin.
- Hi.
- We need our cars washed.
- Yeah, look.
Dirt.
One second, ladies. All right.
Take this inside when you're done.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my God, he is an angel.
- He's so cute.
- I know.
So who'd you guys pay to make
your cars so dirty?
Excuse me? Like, what are you,
the dirt police?
Yeah. The dirt police.
Like, excuse me, miss, do you know
how fast your dirt was going?
You should have stopped
with the dirt police.
You should get going,
because our mom's looking for you.
- Well, where is she?
- She's at home, baking.
- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.
Oh, my... Did you finish your errands?
Because I need you to head to the diner
and take the night shift.
Tonight's my night off and it's
the Halloween dance at school, so...
I know, but you need to stop being so
self-centered and start thinking of others.
Others need you to go to the diner
and mop the floors tonight.
But I really need to go to this dance,
Fiona. I have to.
You need to earn your tuition money
for college.
You gotta bus a lot of tables.
I'm a straight-A student. I work seven days
a week and I'm taking extra AP classes.
I never asked you for anything.
Please let me go to this dance.
Sweetheart, now that you're
old enough...
...there's something I've always wanted to
tell you, and I think you're ready to hear it.
You're not very pretty,
and you're not very bright.
I'm so glad we had that talk.
- Man, you...
- Scoot over, bro.
- See if we can get a bigger table.
- Move over.
You're in my way.
It must be Halloween. Look what just
flew in. The wicked witch of the Valley.
I'm gonna be picking up Gabriella
and Brianna at the Halloween dance.
- I'll be back by 12 sharp.
- Okay.
Still got room in there, huh?
Well, if it isn't little Betty Crocker
from the 'hood.
Don't you have something to do,
like cleaning toilets?
You know, I would, but I'm too busy
running this place. But be my guest.
I'm sorry, I can't, because I just got
a $ 150 manicure. Silver palm trees.
Keep it up, Fiona, and I'm gonna find
a place to put my $6 pedicure.
Where are your skates?
That's part of the uniform.
Fiona, if I wanted to look like a clown,
I'd join the circus.
If you were part of my circus, I'd have you
clean elephant butts with a Wet One.
- I don't think you realize that I could...
- Fire me? Oh, please, go right ahead.
And let's see how many customers
you have left when you do.
I am a very appealing person.
Yeah, in your head.
- "I'm a very appealing person. "
- "I'm a very appealing person. "
That woman can make a nun swear.
I'm graduating a year early so I can
be 3000 miles away in Princeton.
You could go to the University of Mars
and it still wouldn't be far enough.
Honey, I'm desperate.
- Can you cover that back booth?
- We're waiting.
- I don't think I can eat anything here.
- But...
I have the feeling I won't be able
to get a Zone meal here.
- I already ate.
- Laxatives don't qualify as a food group.
- Surprised you didn't know that.
- Stop it.
Well, if it isn't diner girl.
- What can I get you guys?
- What can I get here that has no sugar...
...no carbs and is fat-free?
- Water.
- Water? Feisty.
- Was that supposed to be a joke?
It was funny.
- I'll have a Voss.
- Excuse me?
- It's water. From Norway.
- She's the worst.
- Sorry, we only have water from the Valley.
- Oh, well, then I'll have an iced tea.
Make that two.
And I'm still waiting...
...on that breakfast burrito, diner girl.
- See you.
- Thank you.
- She is so not getting a tip.
Shelby, we really need to talk.
Privately.
Anything you say to me,
you can say in front of my peeps.
Okay.
I wanna break up.
What?
That was harsh.
- Are you in love with somebody else?
- I think so.
- No way.
- What? Who, bro?
I don't know.
- But we can still be...
- Don't say the word "friends. "
Fortunately for you, I'm gonna overlook
this mental breakdown of yours.
Look, just chill out. We're gonna go get
ready for the dance, and I'll see you there.
- Later.
- Late.
- That went well, bro.
- No, she took it well.
Good looking out.
- Later, diner girl.
- Too late.
Don't worry about it.
You know, those kids remind me
of why I used to fight in school.
Have no fear.
Zorro is here.
And he's got the keys
to his dad's Mercedes.
You're going dressed as a bus girl?
- Carter, I'm not going.
- What do you mean, you're not going?
- Okay, sorry. Sorry. What about cyberdude?
- Cyberdude?
That the boy that's been sending
you love notes?
They're not love notes. They're e-mails.
If a man is taking his time to write down
his feelings for you, it's a love note.
You've got a secret admirer.
And he wants to meet her tonight
at the dance.
- What are you still doing here?
- I'm obeying orders.
- Sam, this is your true love.
- Well, true love is gonna have to wait.
Oh, girl, please, save all that drama for the
soap operas. You are going to that dance.
Go ahead, girlfriend.
I can't go. Fiona would kill me and then
bring me back to clean up the mess.
She's gonna have to
go through me to hurt you.
- Go, girlfriend. Do your thing.
- Call me "girlfriend" one more time.
Okay, sorry.
Sam, your dad did not leave this earth
wanting you to be unhappy.
It's time for you to find your own bliss,
starting with this dance.
Sam, you need to listen to Rhonda.
You're always studying, always working.
Take some time for yourself.
Yeah, why don't you go out
and bust a move.
- Put your freak on.
- Whatever it is you kids do these days.
You know what? You guys are right.
I never do anything for myself.
- No, you don't.
- True.
And I deserve to have some fun.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- I am gonna go to that dance.
- Okay, great.
And I am gonna meet my true love
and I'm gonna dance all night.
- I can't go.
- What?
I don't have a costume.
- But you will. Are you coming, Zorro?
- Yes, ma'am.
Vernon. Sam needs a costume.
No. No, Rhonda. I am closed.
Come on, I'll give you free breakfast
for a week.
Make it a month.
There's gotta be something here.
There is this one.
Perfect.
No way.
Hey, you're killing me here.
Aloha.
No, no. I got something.
Bless you.
Rhonda, this is hopeless.
Vernon, let me see that mask.
I don't have an outfit
that goes with that.
Yeah, but I do.
Rhonda, you sure do have a knack for taking
something simple and making it beautiful.
Well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
I was saving this dress for my
next attempt down the aisle.
Long story.
It's beautiful.
- Rhonda, I can't wear that.
- Yes, you can. And you will.
That dress has been in that box so long,
it deserves a night out.
Let's go.
This is gonna look so good on you.
Welcome, North Valley High School seniors
to the Halloween homecoming dance.
Tonight, our panel of esteemed teachers
will use their years of higher education...
...to choose our homecoming
prince and princess.
In true L.A. Fashion,
it's not about who you are.
It's about what you wear.
Are you ready to crank it up? Yeah.
I cannot believe I put you in charge
of costumes.
I told you Siamese cats,
not Siamese twins.
Are we having a catfight?
- Welcome, guys.
- What up?
- Sorry about your costume getting lost.
- It's all good.
No, it's not. We don't get to be
the Three Musketeers.
You get to be Prince Charming
and we're the two wimps in wigs.
Take the cape off already.
You look amazing.
- I'm sorry, I'm just freaking out here.
- Listen, it's gonna be okay.
- Hurry up, it's almost 11.
- Carter, wait.
Remember, I have to be back
in the diner by 12, okay?
Okay, give me your cell phone.
Come on, cell phone.
Okay. All right, I'm going to set the alarm
for a quarter to 12, okay?
- Okay.
- All right, there. Now, give me the cape.
Come on, it's time
Sam, what are they all staring at?
Love her dress. Hate her.
Sam, don't worry, okay?
Any guy would have to be completely
insane not to like you, all right?
I'm just gonna be standing
right over here. Okay.
Do you know you're standing precisely
in the middle of the dance floor?
Fate has brought us together right here
at this anointed hour...
...under the shimmering disco ball.
Terry.
- Are you Nomad?
- Nomad?
Indeed. I have traveled through time
and space to find you.
Now join me in the
mating dance of Zion.
Terry, that's nice.
Hey, I know that girl from somewhere.
- I'm thirsty. I gotta get some punch...
- Some libations for the fair maiden?
Your wish is my command.
I knew this was too good to be true.
Princeton Girl?
Austin Ames?
- You're Nomad?
- Yeah, I guess my costume doesn't do...
...a very good job at hiding who I am.
- No, I know exactly who you are.
I'm sorry. This was a really big mistake.
I've gotta go.
Wait. Wait.
Wait. It's not a mistake.
- Don't you know who I am?
- Of course I do. You're Princeton Girl.
You're the girl I've been waiting to meet.
I know who you are.
What's your name?
Your sweet libations, my lady.
Mr. Anderson.
Austin Ames with my lady.
A devastating blow.
A worthy opponent.
- What about your girlfriend?
- It's over.
I guess you were expecting some guy
who hangs out at Starbucks...
...and writes poetry.
- Something like that.
Come on, you're Austin Ames.
You're football captain
and student body president.
And closet poet?
You can't be both guys.
- I'm not.
- Then who are you?
On September 7th, I wrote you:
"I live in a world full of people pretending
to be something they're not.
- But when I talk to you... "
- "I'm the guy I wanna be. "
Give me a chance to be that guy.
Do you want to join me
for a stroll outside?
If you wanna be voted homecoming prince,
you'd better stay inside.
I really don't care about becoming
homecoming prince.
So, Princeton Girl, would you tell me
who you are if I guessed it right?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
- Well, how about we play 20 questions.
- How about 10.
I'll take what I can get.
Okay, first question.
You do actually go to
North Valley High School, right?
- Of course.
- Look, I'm just checking.
I mean, you never know
with the Internet.
Okay, next question.
Were you disappointed when you
found out that I was Nomad?
- Be honest.
- Surprisingly, no.
Did you vote for me for
student body president?
- Surprisingly, yes.
- Really?
Okay, I got it. Given the choice...
...would you rather have a rice cake
or a Big Mac?
- A Big Mac. But what does that matter?
- Well, I like a girl with a hearty appetite.
And besides, you just eliminated about
You'd think I'd remember those eyes.
You're so beautiful.
Next question.
What's up, girl?
- What are you supposed to be?
- A Three Musketeer.
- You don't look like a candy bar.
- Right.
Look, now that you
and Austin are toast...
...okay, why don't we
have our own little party.
- Back off, David.
- Come on, Shelby. I know you like me.
- No. Stop it. No.
- I know... I know it.
- No, stop it. Stop.
- Come on.
The lady said, "Stop. "
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Give me that!
- Oh, God.
I just saw your life flash
before your eyes.
Oh, yeah? Well, did you see the part
where I run away?
- That was awesome.
- Oh, you're dead, taco boy!
Ladies.
- You're mine!
- Move over, please.
- It's over, dude.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, I hate to tell you this, dude...
...but I starred in Pirates of Penzance
three times.
- Oh, yeah?
- Say hello to act two, scene one.
If I ask you to dance,
does that count as a question?
There's no music.
So?
All out of questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I'll let you know.
- But I've seen you before?
- Yes.
Man. How could I have
seen you before...
...and not know who you are now?
Maybe you were looking,
but you weren't really seeing.
- You've got one more question left.
- Okay.
Do you, Princeton Girl...
...feel like you made the right choice
meeting me here tonight?
I do.
And do you, Austin Ames,
ever wanna see me again after tonight?
I'd have to think about that.
Absolutely.
Not now.
- What?
- I've gotta go.
- You have a curfew or something?
- Something like that.
I'm sorry, but thank you.
This has been the most amazing night.
- Where are you going?
- I'm late.
- For what?
- Reality.
I was right in the middle
of a power jam.
- You totally harshed my mellow.
- You'll get over it and live.
Hello! It is almost midnight.
And that means it's time to announce
who we have selected...
- What's up?
- Have you seen the girl I was with?
No, I haven't seen her,
but you missed it.
I beat some kid's butt. It was crazy.
Now, the moment you've
all been waiting for.
- Carter? Carter. Carter, come on.
- Your new North Valley High...
...homecoming prince and princess...
- I'm gonna be late.
... are Prince Charming and Cinderella!
It's you, bro. It's you.
My dear, I must bid you adieu.
I'm sorry.
- A what?
- I gotta go. I'm sorry.
Hurry up!
Bravo! There he is, bravo! Looks like
Cinderella is playing hard to get.
- I almost kissed Austin Ames!
- I totally, totally kissed Shelby Cummings!
Wait, so, what...? What did he say
when he found out that you were you?
He didn't say, because he didn't find out.
You didn't tell him? Why not?
Carter, I live in an attic, okay?
I drive a beat-up old car,
and he's expecting Malibu Barbie.
I'll be doing him a favor
if I just disappear.
- Shotgun.
- Oh, no, I'm shotgun.
- Get in already.
- Stop pulling.
Where are your crowns?
Where are your prizes?
- Winners get prizes.
- We didn't win, Mom.
Some girl stole it from us.
I am very, very, very, very upset
about this.
- You don't look upset.
- It's the Botox.
I can't show emotion
for another hour and a half.
- I told you she wanted me bad.
- Carter, just drive.
- Spam?
- Spam?
Mom!
- It's Sam! Over there.
- Over there.
Hi, Mrs. Montgomery.
- Mom, she was there. She's in the car.
- We saw her, Mom.
That's ridiculous.
She's working tonight.
- She would never disobey me.
- She was there.
- She was with him.
- In the car.
- I saw...
- Shut your cat face.
- Did they see me?
- No, I don't think so...
...but the wannabe Olsen twins
might have.
I know you wanna take care of this car,
but can you step on it?
In case you haven't noticed, I'm already
going 38 in a 35-mile zone, Sam...
...so can you just lay off, please?
Come on, catch up to them.
Will you speed up? We've got to
beat Sam back to the diner.
Shut up, girls. We'll be back
at the diner soon enough.
Soon enough isn't soon enough!
What are you doing?
Take your paw off the gas!
I can't. It's stuck!
Go, go.
Carter, you could've totally
made that light.
FYI, Sam, yellow means slow down,
okay? Not speed up.
I need The Fast and the Furious,
not Driving Miss Daisy.
We're gonna die!
Was that...?
- Mother, stop!
- We're gonna die!
I think I need to use the litter box.
Oh, my God. My face is back.
- I told you she wasn't here.
- No dope.
- Where is Sam?
- What do you mean, where is Sam?
- Where do you think she is?
- She better be here.
Fiona, I was gonna talk to you about
something that I really... Fiona, wait!
I want my breasts done.
Where did you get those?
San Diego. Excuse me.
Did you notice how shiny the floors
are since we switched to Mr. Clean?
What are you, a commercial? Click.
Oh, mommy, oh.
Fiona, I'm so glad you're here,
because...
The fish. Nemo is no more. Smell.
- There is a tear in one of the booths.
- We were gonna tell you.
What am I supposed to do
with a dead fish?
Everyone, shut up!
When I find her, I'm gonna wring her...
Order's up.
- Sam. What are you doing back there?
- Just working on my cooking skills.
Yeah, I was teaching her to make
pancakes with salmon.
How was the dance, girls?
You know, something stinks
around here.
And it's not the fish.
You're gonna get it. Come on, girls.
We made it, and not a scratch.
- Girls, come on.
- You bit me, you dumb face.
Car smells like bad cheese.
- Don't put your dirty paws all over me.
- Pushing me.
What is he doing here?
Tonight must be my lucky night.
Okay.
Mrs. Montgomery...
...your sign hit my...
...car.
- Gozaimasu, Fighting Frogs.
Here's your daily drought reminder:
Only flush for number two.
Austin Ames was crowned prince
of the homecoming dance.
Big shocker there.
Didn't see that one coming.
But the real mystery, though,
is who was his princess?
- How long are you grounded for?
- Well, how long is forever?
- So you're not gonna tell Austin?
- Come on, Carter.
It's not like he'll pine for me. Trust me,
he's forgotten all about Cinderella by now.
Yeah, he's obviously forgotten
all about you.
Dude, why are you going through
all this trouble for one chick?
Look, she's not just some chick, all right?
She was real.
- Real. Like, she still had her old nose.
- No, real.
A girl who has more on her mind
than what she wears...
...or how much weight
she wants to lose.
- She listens to me.
- Listens to you?
Hey, brother, I listen to you, okay?
I feel your pai...
- Hello, kitty.
- Yeah, you're a great listener.
- Well...
- Look, man, you found her cell phone.
- You just gotta get some clue from that.
- The phone's locked.
I keep getting messages like, "I need you,"
and, "Come see me now. "
- Oh, dude, it's so hot.
- See, that's what I thought.
- Until I got one that said, "Come fix fryer. "
- Oh, dude, that's hot and kinky, baby.
You know what I'm saying? Can I get one?
Let me get a pound, baby.
He's looking for you everywhere.
Tell him it was you.
Isn't it better to cling
to what might've been...
...instead of ruining everything
with reality?
- You can't hide from him forever.
- Not forever.
Just until graduation, when I leave
this place and never see him again.
Okay, so, what about you, Zorro?
When are you gonna tell Shelby?
Well, I've been thinking about doing
just that, as a matter of fact.
Right. Okay, so the day you tell Shelby
it was you, I'll tell Austin it was me.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Look in the yearbook again.
- Maybe she's foreign exchange. That's hot.
- Totally. That's, like... That's, like, le hot.
Look, there's no way I missed her.
I mean, we had a connection.
- Thanks.
- Jeez, are you okay?
Keep your legs straight.
Straighter, straighter.
What are you doing? Brianna!
After the flip, it's the butterfly rollover.
- No, it's not. It's mermaid plunge!
- Yes!
Oh, my God. I cannot wait
for my solo career!
When are we going solo?
He was so mysterious,
but really obvious at the same time.
I mean, kind of dangerous, but very safe.
And wild, but tame.
I'm gonna go change.
I cannot believe you're gonna tell Shelby
it was you.
Sam, once she realizes that she's found
her Zorro, okay, she'll be thrilled.
- Now, watch and learn.
- Good luck.
- And, oh, my God, when I kissed him, I...
- Enough already.
Madison, I think somebody's got a green
monster on their back called Mr. Jealousy.
- Shelby, baby, what's up?
- And you are?
Yeah. Allow me to refresh your memory.
- Zorro.
- You mean zero.
- Who is he?
- That's Carter Farrell.
He's the guy you cheat off
of in Algebra II.
The freak who hums show tunes?
- I'm in front.
- Quit it.
Sorry.
- Let me in the front.
- Listen.
Last night I had a very bad cold,
and I drank a whole bottle of NyQuil.
- I just wasn't myself.
- But I thought we had, like, a connection.
Okay. We don't have anything.
We are from completely different classes
of human.
Let's go back to our usual lives,
where we only mingle...
...when I copy you in Algebra II, okay?
- "Okay?"
- We didn't rehearse it!
Was that good?
You all right?
If she thinks she's still cheating off me,
she's crazy.
- Guys, I don't know about this.
- Come on.
- Just trust us.
- We asked every girl...
...if they were with you at the dance.
These said yes.
- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Austin! Introduce me on the cell phone.
- Guys, come on.
- Sit down here.
Okay! Austin Ames!
Let's bring out bachelorette number one!
She's a transfer from Woodland Hills,
enjoys collecting puka shells...
...long walks on the beach
and getting tubed.
Pleased to meet you, Missy!
- What's up, Austin?
- Thanks for coming, Missy.
- See you, dude.
- You're dead.
Okay, okay, let's bring out
bachelorette number two!
This little filly's into barbells...
...World War II and protein shakes.
Here's Helga.
Thank you.
You are so dead.
- Okay, okay, next up is...
- Enough, enough. Guys, come on.
Look, you're beautiful, okay?
But I'm not your prince.
- You'll meet him someday, but it's not me.
- Thanks, Austin.
- Late entry.
- David, you stop it right now.
You're a bad boy,
and that is a terrible shirt.
Everybody, back to your class.
Hi, Ryan.
That's not fair!
Don't want that, don't want that,
don't want that, don't want that.
Accepted? Oh, this won't do.
- Hey. Anything in the mail for me?
- Oh, actually...
...there's a personalized letter here
from Ed McMahon...
...saying you just won a million dollars.
Don't spend it all in one place.
I need to know who you are.
I can't take my mind off you.
Please tell me who you are.
Okay.
- My name is...
- Sam!
- You missed the "Do Not Disturb" sign.
- No, I saw it.
So you almost done with my report?
It's due Friday.
- I'm working on it.
- Well, hurry up.
It makes me nervous
to have to wait for it.
Imagine how nervous you'd be
if you actually had to write it.
My God, you're right.
So this time, could you try
to make it sound more like me?
I'm so sick of having to explain
why I sound so smart on paper...
...and so not smart not on paper.
- Sam? Can you come downstairs?
- I'll be right there.
Now!
I'll be right back.
Hurry up.
Who the heck is Nomad?
"Cinderella, are you not talking to me
because you freaked...
...when you found out I'm...
...Austin Ames?"
Sam is Cinderella?
- I got in.
- Austin!
- Austin.
- What?
What's going on?
Nothing.
Let me guess. You're thinking,
"Is USC really the right choice for me?"
Well, yeah. I've been thinking
a lot about this and...
Don't worry about it. You're making
the right choice, all right?
Okay.
It's me, Austin. It's Cinderella,
from the dance.
Oh, you found me.
Oh, no.
"You see, Austin, I live in this world... "
Full of people pretending
to be something they're not.
- Pretending...
- "I miss you. I don't want... "
I got it.
- How are you doing?
- Good.
- Regular wash?
- No, more like the royal treatment.
I mean, that's what Cinderella
would want.
- What did you just say?
- I'm her, Austin.
I'm Cinderella, your dream girl.
- You see, I live in a world full of...
- You.
What are you doing here?
I'm Cinderella,
coming to meet my prince.
That's a little hard,
considering I'm Cinderella.
I mean, I'm the most "Cinderelly"
Cinderella there ever was.
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Look, I can settle this, all right?
The girl that I met at the dance,
she dropped something on her way out.
- What was it?
- Oh, that's easy.
- A wallet.
- No.
- I meant a wallet-purse.
- No.
A fish.
- A fish?
- It was the first thing...
...that popped into my head.
You said, "wallet-purse. " What's that?
- Austin?
- Well.
Look what you did. See?
You always ruin everything.
I was supposed to be Cinderella.
I'm the oldest.
By a minute and 26 seconds.
And you never let me forget it!
- Well, maybe this will help you remember.
- No.
Come here!
You're dead. I'm gonna kill you!
Bri?
Oh, I'm gonna kill you! Get off!
- That's what you get for stealing my idea!
- Hey, Dad, isn't that our car?
- I hate you!
- I hate you!
- Oh, no!
- Not the...
- Hot wax!
- Hot wax!
Thank you. Have a good night.
- Bobby, can I get two BLT's?
- It's coming.
That's him.
- That's good. Go over.
- No.
Hey.
Can I get you something?
Do you know what bugs me?
- People taking your order?
- No.
Taking people's orders.
- Why would you do that?
- You don't know my dad.
Sushi and doughnuts? Who does that?
- I'll take a coffee. Thank you.
- Excuse me, miss?
Do you ever feel like if you show
someone who you really are...
...they won't accept you?
Yeah. I do.
Like being yourself isn't good enough.
- Right.
- Like you're wearing a mask.
That's exactly how I feel.
You just wanna be honest with this person
and tell them, "It's me.
I'm the one that you've
been looking for. "
Yeah.
Austin...
...I'm...
- Sam!
- One second.
- No, now.
No, it's cool, I gotta bounce.
Oh, great, thank you so much.
Thank you very much, Sam.
You're welcome.
Bonjour, Fighting Frogs.
Here's your daily drought reminder:
Don't hose your lawn, your car,
or anybody else, for that matter.
And remember, tickets
for the big game go on sale...
And then she told us that she was
going to try to steal...
...Austin away from you
if that was the last thing she did.
Our stepsister has always been
jealous of you.
Go on.
Well, that's when she invented
this whole Cinderella plot.
She got ahold of Austin's
e- mail address...
...and that's when she
started the whole affair.
We wanted to tell you sooner,
but she threatened to kill us.
She's such a monster.
Look, if you don't believe us,
look at the e-mails.
She goes by Princeton Girl 818,
but her real name is Sam Montgomery.
And we're Brianna and Gabriella.
So that little boyfriend stealer
thinks she can pull a fast one on me?
Well, we'll just see about that.
Austin was really late today and asked me
if you'd read this announcement.
"Cinderella...
...if you're listening, your prince wants to
rendezvous with you after the pep rally. "
Nothing like a pep rally
to warm up our prince.
Carter! I talked to him.
And not as Cinderella.
I talked to him as me, Sam,
and he didn't hate me.
So you told him everything?
No, not everything. Not the part
about me being Cinderella.
But I'm gonna go tell him right after
the pep rally. You coming, cowboy?
- So you think I look like a real cowboy?
- Sure.
- Who we gonna beat?
- The Lancers!
- And when we gonna beat them?
- Friday!
Good news. I just got off
the phone with Hank Cole.
You play well on Friday, and your future
is set at USC football.
That's great, Dad.
And who's gonna lead us to victory?
- Austin!
- I can't hear you!
- Kill the Lancers!
- Austin!
The cheerleaders have put together
a skit to help get us in the spirit.
I love you, Shelby!
Thank you.
"Once upon a time, there was
a big, strong Fighting Frog.
He had a beautiful girlfriend, and his dad
owned the biggest pond in all the land.
But he still wasn't happy.
If only he can find a princess,
then she could kiss him...
...turn him into a prince,
and they would run away together.
One night, after the slimy frog
ditches his super-hot...
...senior-poll-most-popular girlfriend,
he meets his princess. "
Your highness.
"Alas, it turned out that our frog
not only had a secret identity...
...but also had a secret e-mail relationship
with a pen pal named Princeton Girl. "
This isn't good.
Dear Princeton Girl, I can't wait
till we finally get to meet.
You're the only one
who understands the real me.
The man who doesn't want
to play USC football.
But who wants to be at Princeton,
with you.
- What are they talking about?
- Nothing.
Dear Nomad, I want you to know
who I am, but I'm scared!
I'm scared that you'll reject me.
And I've never had a real kiss before.
- I can't believe they're reading my e-mails.
- Let's go.
But our princess had a secret too.
She wasn't royalty at all, but a geek,
a loser, a servant girl.
Yeah!
Any ideas about this?
And who, may you ask, is this imposter?
Give it up for the pretend princess,
diner girl, Sam Montgomery!
Diner girl! Diner girl!
Diner girl! Diner girl!
Come on.
- Sam!
- Go away!
But, Sam, you've got a letter
from Princeton.
What does it say?
I didn't get in.
Oh, no!
And you studied so hard.
I can't believe I actually thought
I had a chance.
Sam, I'm heartbroken.
Life can be so unfair.
Well, just look at the bright side.
You have a job at the diner
for the rest of your life.
You want a cookie?
They're so moist.
People like her don't belong
in our world, Austin.
Sam, what are you doing?
I'm trying to get these floors clean.
Come on, sweetie, get up.
What I meant is, what are you
doing with your life?
I'm diner girl. I'm doing what
diner girls do, Rhonda.
Baby, what's gotten into you? You don't
even realize how blessed you are.
Look, you've got a whole family
behind you.
We have faith in you.
And you gotta have faith in yourself.
Mother!
- Sam just ruined your wall.
- What?
Yes, you did. Well, that's gonna come
out of your paycheck.
And cover up those stupid words.
"Never let the fear of striking out
keep you from playing the game. "
All right. I'm going off to
get some more lipo.
Come on, girls. Sam, I need you
to clean the pool tonight.
No.
Excuse me?
You heard me. I quit.
I quit this job. I quit your family.
And I'm moving out.
Oh, and where are you gonna live?
With me.
You can't just walk out on me.
You know what, Fiona?
You can mess with your hair,
your nose and your face...
...and you can even mess
with my dad's diner.
But you're through messing with me.
Wait up, Sam.
You take one more step, and you're fired.
Oh, no, that won't be necessary,
because I quit too. And you know what?
The only reason why I put up with
you all these years is because of that girl.
Now that she's free of you, nothing
is stopping me from kicking your butt.
Come on, no. Not my face. It's much
newer than the girls. Go for the girls!
- Mom!
- Rhonda? Rhonda!
She's not even worth it.
- You're right.
- You know what? I quit too.
Me too. Hey, Rhonda. Eleanor.
Hold up, I need a ride.
See you.
Well...
See you.
Send me a bill.
Fiona actually thought
you were gonna slug her.
I was gonna do more than that.
I had no idea that you were that tough.
Yeah, but I always knew that you were.
Rhonda...
...are you sure that this is okay?
Sam, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I haven't felt this much at home
in such a long time.
I'm sure, compared
to the Addams Family.
- What's on your mind?
- I gotta do something tonight.
Don't wait up for me, okay?
Welcome to the start of tonight's game
between the South Bay Lancers...
...and the North Valley Fighting Frogs!
Big welcome to all returning alumni to
tonight's 38th annual homecoming game!
- Check it!
- Chick at 3 o'clock!
- Hey, diner girl!
- What's she doing in here?
What are you doing in here?
Sam.
- Okay, I know you think I'm just some...
- Coward? Phony?
- Okay, just listen.
- No, you listen.
You turned out to be exactly
who I thought you were.
I never pretended to be somebody else.
It's been me all along.
And it was me who was hurt
in front of everybody.
Look, I didn't come here
to yell at you, okay?
I came to tell you I know what it feels
like to be afraid to show who you are.
I was. But I'm not anymore.
And the thing is, I don't care
what people think about me...
...because I believe in myself.
And I know that things are gonna be okay.
But even though I have no family
and no job and no money for college...
...it's you that I feel sorry for.
- Heads up. Yo, five minutes.
- I'm coming.
I know that guy that sent those e-mails
is somewhere down inside of you.
But I can't wait for him...
...because waiting for you is like
waiting for rain in this drought.
Useless and disappointing.
Sam.
- Sam.
- Hey. What are you doing here?
Rhonda told me where you might be. I
thought you could use a friend. Come here.
Sam, I'm so proud of you.
You did...
Your stepmom and Austin,
all in one day. How do you feel?
I'll let you know when I can catch
my breath. Let's do something tonight.
Well, I was actually thinking
about going to the game...
...but I understand
if you don't wanna do that.
No, I'll go.
Really? You'll go to the game?
Yeah. I can handle it now.
It'll be our first and last.
And besides, if I don't go, who else
is gonna explain the game to you?
I like what you're wearing.
What character are you today?
- Myself.
- I think it's your best look.
Thank you.
Come on, everybody. Weren't they great?
Let's hear it for them.
Let's give our cheerleaders a big hand.
Make some noise.
Austin and I are almost back together.
It isn't official or anything, but it's on.
- Sorry, guys.
- Sorry.
Okay, everybody. Get ready.
Here they come!
I'm glad you came, Sam.
The defending regional conference
champions, your very own Fighting Frogs!
Both the Lancers and the Frogs
enter the game...
...tied for the lead in the
conference standings.
The winner of tonight's game will advance
to the playoffs for the state championship.
Austin.
Austin. All right, buddy.
This is the big one, all right?
You stay focused and win it.
- Everyone is counting on you. All right?
- Andy!
Hey, Chuck! How you doing, pal?
Let's do it again! One more time.
Down, set, 28 guarding, 28 guarding!
Hike!
The clock is stopped with nine seconds
left in the game.
- The Frogs need one touchdown to win.
- I love football! I love football!
I love football!
Austin! Austin! Austin!
Austin! Austin!
Carter, I thought that I could handle this,
but I really can't. I'm gonna go.
You know what? I'll tell you
how it ends, okay?
- Come on!
- Do it, baby!
This is the one. This is the one, Austin.
This is the one.
- Sorry, boys.
- Where are you going?
What's he...? What is he...?
What's the problem?
- What are you doing?
- I'm out of here.
What? You're throwing away your dream!
No, Dad. I'm throwing away yours.
It's your game now. Go get them.
Substituting for Ames is number 23,
Ryan Henson.
- Austin!
- Austin! Get back here!
Austin, what are you doing?
Something I should've done
a long time ago.
Sorry I waited for the rain.
It's okay.
No!
Oh, my God.
Touchdown! The Fighting Frogs have won.
They've done it. They won the game.
Oh, my... You gotta
love high school.
So we won the big game that day.
But what I remember most
was I got my prince.
And a really bad cold.
After that, it was like everything
fell into place.
My dad was right. The fairy tale book
did contain something important.
Take this one and take the
two cars in the front.
I can pay for those parking tickets!
Actually, I'm selling your cars, Fiona.
For college tuition money.
What gives you the idea
you can sell our cars?
- She owns them.
- Exactly. I own them.
I'm the county district attorney.
Have you ever seen this before?
I've never seen that before.
Isn't this your signature
on the witness line?
I have never seen my
husband's hidden will before.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to come
downtown with me, ma'am.
That hidden will stated that the house,
the diner and everything belonged to me.
It turned out my stepsisters knew where
Fiona had filed my real acceptance letter.
I got it!
My dad's diner was restored
to its former glory.
And my stepmother
made a deal with the DA.
She's working off her debt
to society at Hal's...
...under the watchful eye
of my new partner.
And my stepsisters? They finally put
their teamwork to good use.
Austin's dad finally came around
and got off his Trojan horse.
Things even cleared up for Carter.
Anything is possible if you just believe.
He ended up filming a commercial.
And in addition to
landing that commercial...
...Carter also landed the girl.
The San Fernando Valley
was clear and beautiful...
...the way it only is after a big rainstorm.
As for Austin and me, well,
I finally got my cell phone back.
We wound up going to Princeton together
and lived happily ever after.
At least for now.
Hey, I'm only a freshman.