Hold on 'cause I'm letting go
I'm gonna lasso your heart like a rodeo
I'm gonna give you some
Till you want some more
'Cause all I see is an open door
And I see where it's leading me
All of this energy
Been bottled up way too long
It's powerful, powerful
You see what I'm getting at
I'm ready for all of that
If I'm not a star, you're blind
I've got rings on my fingers
And glitter in my hair
I've got a one-way ticket
And I just got here
I'm gonna run this town
Run this town
I'm gonna run this town
Run this town
I've got high heel stilettos
And I'm kicking in doors
And kissing your ass
Ain't what my lipstick's for
I'm gonna run this town
Run this town
I'm gonna run this town
Run this town
Where's breakfast?
I want waffles, spaghetti!
Spaghetti waffles! Whoo. Whoo!
Victor. Victor.
Please wait in the house, please.
My body is entering hunger shock.
Oh, bad news.
The cat pooped in the den.
Worse news, I used your blanket
to clean it up.
- We don't have a cat.
- No kidding.
Oh. L... Sorry.
I didn't think you'd be awake.
You have an appointment...
...with Guy Morgan,
I didn't think you'd wanna be late.
Oh, look at you thinking. Cute.
But I always have time for my portrait.
Look alive. Paint.
I'm feeling spiritually blocked.
Draw me a sesame seed bath.
Bath. Now.
Now, make momma look more beautiful
and thinner.
And make that water more quiet.
- Bev, you awake?
- Of course I'm awake.
If I waited for you, I'd never be on time.
Lucky you never wait for me then.
Victor, no.
Uh, don't you want a glass?
Hmm. Earthy. A tad fishy.
Lovely gravel finish.
Did you let Victor put worms
in the blender again?
Yes. I mean, no.
I mean, it just happened.
You know nothing can kill me.
Nothing.
Step on it, Katie.
I cannot be late for this meeting.
Just run them over if you have to.
Hello? No, the kids don't need a library.
I am the dean, and the dean gets
what she wants, and I wanna remodel.
You're just boring. I'm being honest.
I don't know what else to tell you.
And I wanted my office done
for my meeting with Guy Morgan...
...the music mogul, but no.
And using Bollywood
as a theme for the dance?
That's totally un-American.
I don't care if it was my idea.
Hello.
Oh. Oh.
I'm Dean Van Ravensway,
and you must be...
- Guy Morgan.
- Ah, yes. Guy Morgan, a pleasure.
You look like a man who knows things.
Aha, even some things I shouldn't know.
- And I'm Luke.
Great.
So tell me, Guy, is it true?
Are you the new judge on Idol?
Well, let's just say
that Randy may be in the doghouse.
- Now, let's talk about my son.
- Of course.
- Have you reviewed your schedule, Luke?
- Yes, I have.
In fact, um, I'd like to add a music class.
Um, the music theory...
Wellesley has a great business program.
That's why we're here.
There are two types of people
in the music biz: Artists and businessmen.
- Luke is a businessman.
- Of course.
Katie, get in here. Look alive.
Make yourself useful.
Luke is gonna need a tour of the campus.
So text Bev and ask her
to escort Mr. Morgan around campus.
Now, Luke, if you are half as talented
a producer as your father...
The verdict's still out.
He hasn't earned it.
Heard the story of how I started
in the music business?
- Yes, everybody's heard it, Dad.
- Then everybody should know how it goes.
There I was,
working for The Rolling Stones...
...when Mick himself...
- Dad.
Fine. As I said,
the verdict is still out on my son.
He just produced an album
with the Fruity Dangers?
Do you mean Danger Fruit?
That record was amazing.
I forgot what they were called because
they made me absolutely no money.
Thank you. Rare I meet anyone
who's heard their album.
What, are you kidding?
They're a cult phenomenon.
I'm sorry. Why are you talking?
What I need is for Luke to learn
to spot a commercially viable star.
Image drives the bottom line, right?
I feel you. Would we have Bieber Fever
if he were an ugly troll?
Actually, he is a tad hobbit-like, isn't he?
I'd like Luke
to produce your Semester Showcase...
...to see if he can identify sellable talent.
- I produce the Semester Showcase.
I will double your Showcase budget.
I will invite every talent scout I know.
This could be the beginning
of a relationship...
...between Wellesley
and Kensington Records.
Looks like we have a new producer.
Oh, and this is my daughter, Bev.
Bev, this is the platinum-selling,
Grammy-winning...
...and very handsome producer,
Guy Morgan.
Could you give his son, Luke, a tour?
Sure. Would you like
to see the Wellesley perks?
Um, yes, brilliant. Sure.
- Katie.
I love your accent.
Katie.
Wanna come over tonight?
What are you still doing here? Go.
Guy and I have things we need to discuss.
Out. Now.
So, Guy, you've gotta tell me,
what was that like working under Mick?
Watch out.
- Dangerous balls.
- Ha, ha. Thanks.
- So you womanned up and did it?
Hey!
- Oh, I did it.
Hey!
- What happened?
Can we have our ball?
I didn't give my CD to Luke.
I snuck it in his dad's bag.
But Guy Morgan has your demo.
That's huge. What you need is a champion.
No, what I need is to graduate.
You giving our ball back or what?
Oh, do you want this?
She shoots, she scores.
Unlike you, soccer boy.
Oh, so spill it. Is Luke Morgan
as hot as everyone Tweets he is?
Hotter.
You should ask him to the dance.
Because I'm so forward with guys.
First time for everything, right?
- Hi, Luke.
- Hello.
You have to hear my demo.
It's a retro-funk-jazz explosion.
Back off. I was here first.
Hold on, hold up. Please hold on.
My boy does not want your demos yet.
Walk away. Move along. Bye.
It was nice chatting
or whatever that was.
- Yes, hi, I'm, uh...
- Luke Morgan, right?
Who is producing the Showcase.
I don't think I'm gonna do the Showcase,
so I need to keep a low profile...
Yeah, yeah. Listen close now.
There's two kinds of people in this school.
There are the wannabes
and there's gonnabes.
You and I, we're gonnabes. What do we do?
We stay away from the wannabes, all right?
And girls named Yolanda. There are three
of them and they are certifiably...
Crazy? You attract
crazy women? Shocking.
It may seem like I don't have game,
but ladies love a listener.
Plus, I'm telling you,
let me help you find acts.
- Ah, so you're a talent scout?
- Well, bottom line, I'm a DJ.
- Oh, you're a DJ as well?
- Check this.
Whoa.
Okay, yes. You could be very useful.
It was nice meeting you.
You got a girl for the dance?
Because I can hook you up.
Uh, no. Thanks.
Uh, but what do you know
about Bev Van Ravensway?
- Supposed to see her tonight.
- Bev?
- Yeah.
- She's hot...
...but the girl
is mad, mad drama, okay?
I am talking to you
and you don't even know my name.
- I'm Mickey O'Malley.
- Mickey O'Malley.
A rarity in the Irish community.
Om.
RAVl: Om.
- Om.
- Om.
- Om!
This is not a contest, Ms. Gail.
Just concentrate on your breathing.
My butt is numb.
If your butt is suffering,
then you are suffering.
In fact, your entire life is suffering. Why?
Because you crave
that which is meaningless.
Are you calling me shallow?
No, I'm saying to stop your craving
and release your butt.
Just release it. Release it, yeah.
Release that butt.
Release that butt
Oh, yeah, release that butt
Oh, yeah, release that butt
Mrs. Van Ravensway?
What part
of "if you interrupt my meditation...
...I will jerk your tail in a knot"
do you not understand?
You told me
to tell you when dinner was ready.
Oh, thank God.
I'm craving some bourbon.
Victor.
- Oh. Um, dinner's ready.
- Tell me something I don't know.
Do you have any idea how stressful it is
to run this academy?
Yes, I spent the money at the spa.
Five thousand dollars a night
is not very expensive...
... when you think about the alternative,
which is me having a nervous breakdown.
Ow.
What are you doing?
I'm on the phone.
- I'm cleansing.
Heh, heh.
Mac and cheese.
I don't need your spiritual counseling.
I'm thinking of firing you.
Pace yourself, Ms. Gail,
or you will not be one with everything.
Honey, that's what I got you for.
Now, make me one with everything.
This Showcase is giving me the vapors.
How did this become my life?
Did I ever tell you all about the time
I nearly got my big break?
Yes.
- Good.
Then you all know how it goes.
I ain't gonna leap, I'm gonna jump
Find my way right out of this dump
- I had talent, and they made me...
A laughingstock.
Now look at me.
I got two ungrateful kids...
...a dwarfish, hairy, elfin servant...
...and a random
tablecloth-wearing Asian...
- Indian.
- Who makes no sense at all, ever.
Why don't you have another drink, Mom.
Katie, napkin me.
I have got to impress Guy Morgan...
...so I can stop pretending to care
about this insufferable school...
...and we can all move to Hollywood where
no one pretends to care about anything.
Mom, I think that you're forgetting
about the most important thing. Me.
Guy will give me a deal
as soon as he hears me sing.
- I doubt that.
- No, I've been practicing really hard.
My voice teacher says
I've transcended to a whole new level.
Yeah, I doubt it.
When my first single drops,
I'll buy you that mansion...
...in the Hollywood Hills...
...and you can finally afford
to have your legs lengthened.
- Oh, ba...
- Ms. Gail.
- Miss Bev has clarity.
Katie.
- You see...
- Look.
- The lowly peasant tills the soil
for 40 years without any rain.
But the unemployed salesman
who has recently discovered hydroponics...
...all of a sudden gets disgusted by the...
- And see? No sense.
- That didn't make any sense.
- Let me finish. You...
Oh, I doubt it. You have me pray all day.
- I don't feel nothing.
- You don't have a soul.
No, you don't have soul.
- I have a many souls. I'll give you one.
- Where's your third eye? Turn that thing on.
- I have a fourth eye too. You wanna see it?
- What?
- Shh.
I wanna be 6'4". Wow me, Bev.
Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do
Just stop. Stop the wowing, okay?
What's wrong?
- Somehow you've gotten worse.
I don't know how that was possible...
...but there isn't enough Auto-Tune
that's gonna fix you.
- Well, Katie's bad playing threw me off.
- I don't think it was that.
Again.
Really? Okay.
Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do
Ouch.
I could belch the song better.
Have you been drinking
the floor wax again?
Anything to forget I live here.
Ugh. My head is buzzing
like a skeeter on a septic tank.
- Ravi, meditate me.
Good luck, buddy.
Well, it doesn't matter,
because I have my own plan.
Does it make me a bad person
that I kind of enjoyed that?
No.
Hmm. Nice work.
- Guess who's on his way over.
- Not now, Victor, I'm busy.
Guess or prepare to get creamed.
Victor! Victor! Victor, stop!
I've got rings on my fingers
And glitter in my hair
I've got a one-way ticket
And I just got here
I'm gonna run...
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Victor, what are you doing?
Victor!
Victor, where did you put my clothes?
- Surprise!
- What? No.
I'm gonna kill you. Victor!
Oh, hi, Katie.
You are evil. Let me in.
I control every lock on this property.
Crap.
This is insane.
Yeah, try the shed, it's unlocked, idiot.
You gotta be kidding me.
Crap.
How did such an untalented daughter
spring from my loins?
Focus, Ms. Gail. We are making
an offering to your personal deity.
Tell him to give me fame and fortune.
Not exactly how it works.
Now, breathe through your Mula Bandha.
Oh, honey, if I could do that,
I'd get a million hits on YouTube.
How much longer is this gonna take?
Ugh.
The prayer or the fame and fortune?
Ha, ha. See you later.
Victor.
Katie?
- Luke.
- Katie.
- Are you wearing a doormat?
- Yes.
- Welcome.
- Why, thank you.
The truth. Um...
My stepbrother locked me
outside of the house.
Naked.
Oh, sorry. You should...
You should take my jacket.
Oh.
- Oh, no, no.
There.
- Thanks. Now the pants.
- Hmm?
I'm kidding.
- You got me.
- Ha, ha.
No, no.
One more parent-teacher conference,
I swear I'm gonna lose it.
Look at me. I'm an educator.
I have no real skills. And I will die
before I go back to my daddy's farm.
You tell my personal deity
to help me achieve Guy Morgan. Do it.
I'll put another banana on the altar.
What is that?
Do you hear angels singing?
Perhaps the gods
have answered your prayer.
Hey. What...?
- This is Gail Van Ravensway.
Hello.
Guy Morgan here. How are you?
Oh, well, hello, Guy.
What a surprise
to see you calling this number.
Do you hear this?
I can justify
That's the demo your girl, Katie...
... slipped into my briefcase.
And it sounds like money, dear.
She gave you a CD?
Oh, well. Well, ain't that the berries.
Ravi, what frigging god did you pray to?
Guy, yeah, it seems someone's
not being entirely honest here.
Katie, somebody get that door!
So...
...that meeting today...
...it was obvious
that your dad doesn't get you.
He's an idiot for not liking your music.
Well, it's... It's complicated.
I'm gonna just, uh...
Is it as complicated as me...
...getting stuck outside
in only a welcome mat?
That's not complicated.
That is a gift from God.
Luke. Katie. What are you doing?
Well, it seems your brother
is Satan's very own personal Mini-Me.
Oh, I know, tell me about it. Come on in.
Oh, my God, did you work out today?
- Sit down.
- Ooh, look at this.
- Ha, ha. Some lemonade.
- Why, thank you.
You know, my stepsister,
she has body issues...
...so I don't like
to discourage her nudity.
That's interesting.
- She's absolutely lovely...
- Would you like an appetizer?
Oh, fromage.
I only have cheese.
I just got off the phone
with Guy Morgan.
Your phone.
He just loved that little demo
you left him.
I have underestimated you.
It'd make me proud
if I cared about you.
- I didn't lie about anything.
- Oh, but, chicken, you did.
At least that's what Guy thinks,
now that I've clarified.
I told him it was Bev's demo
and that you stole it from her.
- But you can't do that. That's my song.
- It's Bev's song.
And Guy can't wait to see her perform it
at the Showcase.
If you try to contact him, I'll deny
everything and lock you in the basement.
- She can't sing to save her life.
- No, but you can, can't you?
Now, let's hear this amazing voice.
Like a malignant tumor
She's got no sense of humor
Just like a swollen blister
It's best to just resist her
She's not exactly a witch
She's just a terrible bi...
Well, your lyrics stink.
But Guy's right, you've got chops.
Do you know what other instruments
I'm good at?
I have a feeling I could get in trouble
with a question like that.
I like trouble.
Hey, kids.
- Good evening, Miss Van Ravensway.
- Sorry, I need you to go. Now.
Family emergency. I need Bev
to help me pass a kidney stone.
- So she had a lovely evening. Ta-ta.
- Are you trying to ruin my life?
I have figured out a way for you
to wow Guy Morgan in the Showcase.
- So you do think I've improved?
- Oh, no, honey.
But my month of spiritual devotion
has taught me...
...that God works in annoying ways.
How am I to wow Guy Morgan
if I supposedly can't sing?
You can't, but Katie can.
- What?
- I know. Like I said, annoying.
We'll record her voice
and you will lip synch.
What if I don't want to?
Don't you get snarky with me,
you ungrateful toad.
- I saved your life.
- You didn't do anything.
- My dad married you.
- Yeah, and then he died.
I tried to put you in foster care,
but they was all fulled up on ugly.
- Funny.
- I thought it was...
...because you don't wanna look bad.
Katie, if you don't sing...
...I'm gonna find a way for that savings
your dad left to disappear.
That means, you forget college,
moving out, you're stuck here with me.
But, pumpkin, we're gonna have
so much fun growing old together.
Why don't you just have her perform
if you like her so much?
Because, honey, look at you.
You are a star.
That is what Guy Morgan needs.
You, the star.
I'm a star.
- A bright, gassy star.
- Yes, you are.
And Guy Morgan is gonna
give you a swimming pool...
...shaped just like Colin Farrell.
Every part of him.
Or, Bev, you could just see every part
of Colin Farrell on the Internet.
And just leave me out of this.
- Okay, so how do we do this?
- First rule of Lie Club...
...is don't talk about Lie Club.
Which includes you, Katie.
As far as everyone knows,
you can't sing.
And no more talking to Luke or Guy.
Are we clear?
Crystal.
Yeah, Dad, we're about to meet
some fresh talent right now.
Remember when you signed Jay-Z?
No, you passed on him, my bad.
Um, this is like that,
except it's gonna be brilliant.
Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah, okay. Bye.
- Dude, what'd he say?
These guys you told me about are good?
Yes. The Oral Majority has potential.
They'll be here any second.
Talking about potential,
how was your little date with Bev?
- Her mom kicked me out.
- I told you. Bev is drama.
Technically, it was Gail's drama.
But Bev's interesting, man. She's...
I'm worried she's bonkers.
See, my last girlfriend, she was hot,
but absolutely mental.
I need a girl who's not gonna be
shipped to the loony bin.
Hang on, I'm gonna hit the facilities.
Facilities. That's a new one.
- Hey, man. Sorry we're late.
- Hey, what's good, y'all?
Nobody talks to my boy
until he comes from the facilities.
We're here to impress.
- Clear, right?
- Got it.
When you're fighting just to keep it sane
Throw your will
At the eye of the hurricane
- Sing it out
- Eh-oh, eh-oh, eh-oh
- Help me sing it out
- Eh-oh, eh-oh, eh-oh
If you wanna find out who you are
Stop running
In the end you'll figure out
It's all about nothing
All night, it's gonna be all right
Hey, hey, hey, hey
All right
Turn your dreams into your life
That's good.
I'm clean. No one followed me.
And I got your intel.
Oh, Katie, baby, your life sucks.
Trust me, it gets worse.
Okay, dude, those guys, they
just went Oral Majority on me in there...
- I was trying to hold them back...
- You're right.
They have potential and they're great.
But first, my talent-finding friend,
promise me no more auditions in the bogs.
- The what?
- The loo.
- Bathroom. Toilet.
- Got it.
All right. Okay, come on.
I wanna show you something.
So now I have to rehearse in secret.
Why not not rehearse?
Make Bev sound bad. What do you care?
No song, no savings account. No life.
People. Coming. Now.
Okay.
Dude, what are we doing?
The suspense is killing me.
Can you grab the mike?
Not about to serenade
a brother, are you?
Dude, with bromance, comes a fine line.
That I shall not cross.
So sing something.
Okay.
I'm lost in a world
That rattles my brain
I'm cleaning up my life
From the mess you made
Oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
My soul's in debt, but my bills are paid
I'd give anything just to make an escape
Oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
So you can keep
Knocking, knocking, knocking
Baby, you're rockin'
But there ain't no way I'm ever letting you in
He's amazing.
Not again
So keep on
Knocking, knocking, knocking
But, baby, you're better off walking
'Cause I ain't gonna let you in
Never again
I went out on a limb again
I guess I had to lose to win
I was too confused to know
Which way to turn
- And she could be a millionaire...
- Crap.
- Gail needs me to drive her home.
- I don't care
'Cause, baby, there's nobody home
Nobody's home at all, yeah
- What? Did you write that?
- Yeah.
Reminds me of, um... Uh...
- Danger Fruit, right? Danger Fruit.
- Ha, ha. Because I wrote their album too.
Shut up. Took me forever
to find that bootleg online.
- I love that album. That's crazy.
- Yeah.
My dad doesn't know.
And he thought the record...
...was a pile of crap.
He thinks writing's a waste of time.
Because he basically wants me
to be like him. Only with better hair.
But the first thing I thought when
I heard those guys in the urinals was...
...good acoustics.
Second thought was these guys,
these guys could be great.
If you gave them your song.
Mate, that's a brilliant idea.
- So put them in the Showcase?
- Put them in the Showcase.
Yeah.
You can never tell where this might go
You wrote that song today?
- You've been home for what, two hours?
- It's like an answer to his song.
You really like this guy.
Yeah, I'm an idiot.
You have to sing that for him.
What if you sang to him in secret?
At the dance. Ta-da.
Okay, I know the card's
like, really cheesy, but...
Oh, God, I hope you like it.
Ange, it's beautiful,
but are you crazy?
No, I know you're crazy.
Am not.
- What if he doesn't even like me?
- You'll both be in disguise.
It's your chance to see
if he was really flirting with you.
I was naked. Of course he was flirting.
And why even torture myself?
It's not like I can have him.
Why not? Tell him how you feel.
If he feels the same way, you can reveal
your hot self and he won't tell Gail.
And if he hates the song,
leave the disguise on.
Okay.
I'm going to the dance.
That's my girl.
Maurice, no, no.
Again, in Franais, longer legs.
I wouldn't go in your closet
for a little while if I were you.
What? Why?
Hey. Wake up.
Katie!
The cat has pooped in my closet.
I need you to clean it up.
Go.
I told you we don't have a cat.
Angie, heads up.
Katie!
What's going on?
Nothing.
I am, uh, re-organizing and labeling. I...
I took up crochet.
Do you want new socks?
I would make you a sweater, but I hear
that the arms, that they're really hard.
Oh, you thought you could sneak off
and go to the dance.
After what you pulled today with Guy.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're on Victor watch tonight...
...tomorrow night and every night.
Fun.
I'll give Victor all the mothering
you don't have time for.
Oh, I wish you could be my mommy.
I'm off to my cinnamon colonic.
Hey. Get down.
You're gonna break yourself.
Or worse, the furniture.
Hello?
- Hey.
- You look like you're having fun.
- Always.
Well, I couldn't let you not go to the dance
without me.
Besides, we have six hours
of shirtless Team Jacob.
So let's just get this party started.
- So is Victor driving you nuts?
- I swear to you, he's not human.
I mean, can you really blame him, though?
Just look at this family.
Victor, what are you doing?
Oh, no. Great.
Eh, she actually looks prettier
that way.
True. Ugh. Whatever.
Why did I ever think that tonight
could've been something special.
Think Bev's all over Luke at the dance
right now?
They're probably making out. See?
- Victor, give it a rest.
- Just check it out. Come on.
Luke is gonna produce
whoever wins the Showcase.
So we need a little insurance.
- I know what I'm doing, Mother.
Do you?
I can't take it anymore, okay?
I'm taking my life into my own hands.
I'm talking to Luke.
- Finally.
- Okay, but we have gotta be home...
...before Gail gets here.
What about the demon spawn?
Mm-hm.
Right.
Okay, just watch him.
Hmm.
Is that all you've got, Angela?
Ravi?
My sister could catch that, jerknut.
Put some nuts in that sack, ref.
Miss Katie, I am most startled.
Obviously.
All right. All right. Don't hate me.
Okay, don't hate me. I'm sorry.
But my name ain't Ravi. It's Tony.
- Tony.
- Tony Gupta from Jersey.
- From Jersey.
- I am half Indian.
My friends call me Meatball
because I'm half Italian.
Truth is I always wanted to be an actor.
But I never got my shot.
I'm working at KFC,
and one day, Gail comes in...
...she's like, "Are you Indian?"
I'm like, "What?"
She's like, "Are you a guru?"
I'm like:
"Who is asking?"
She says, "Someone
who's paying for some spiritual guidance."
And I'm like, "Whaa! It's a miracle!"
I finally get a chance to do
a total immersion into a character.
Real training and I get paid.
Are you kidding me?
Ravi is my King Lear.
You wanna hear
the monologue from My Fair Lady?
- Oy, mate.
- No, thanks.
I'm sorry I barged in. Whoops.
Your secret's safe with me, okay?
But I need to ask you a favor.
- Meatball.
- Ha, Meatball.
Please watch Victor tonight
so I can go to the dance?
Are you kidding me? Done.
Blow it up.
Thank you.
Whoa.
How am I supposed to find Luke
if everybody's got a mask?
I never said this was
gonna be easy. Let's do some recon.
I am Assistant Principal
Dorothy Plumberg.
No drinking. No texting. No kissing.
Luke? No. Luke Morgan?
No leaving the premises
and no experiencing joy of any kind.
Luke? Ugh.
Where is he?
That reminds me.
I got a new act for you to listen to.
- Now?
- No time like it.
- Dude, not again...
- We're called Big Pain Ticket.
I wanna kiss your apocalypse
Wrap you in my Armageddon
Sing you a twisted serenade
They're good, but I'm worried
that chain saw's unsafe.
Dude, the chain saw's,
like, the best part.
I think I found him.
Well, he is blond.
Oh, my God, what is she doing here?
I hate teenage desperation.
What are you doing here?
Oh, honey, the prize pig
doesn't win the blue ribbon...
...by covering up its third best asset.
A, what does that even mean
and, B, did you just call me a pig?
Honey, I saw you making sweet love...
...to a plate of Swedish meatballs
at the snack table.
It's now or never, babe.
- What if she recognizes me?
- I'll distract her. Go.
- So was I right or was I right?
- You were right.
You have very cool taste.
Any more auditions in the men's...
...and you're fired.
- I know your secret.
- Which secret is that?
I heard you sing at school.
You were amazing.
Do I know you?
- I wanna show you something.
- What's your name?
Angela, what are you doing?
I'd like to make a request.
I will make your night. I promise.
Miss Van R.
Is it true you wanted to be a dancer
when you were younger...
...but were never good enough?
Who told you that?
Well, now, how lovely.
But I've seen better dancing
in a Filipino prison, sugar.
Oh!
Really? Because I think
I just challenged you to a dance battle.
Would Luke Morgan please pick up
the white courtesy phone?
Luke Morgan, white courtesy phone.
Hold on. What is that?
You've never seen a guitar before?
You hid a guitar in there.
You hiding anything else?
Follow me.
Oh, wow.
Madam, while your exquisite eyes
tell of a radiant, but mischievous beauty...
...I have grown impatient.
Off with your veil,
so that I may know the truth.
Or not.
I'm hoping this answers
a lot of your questions.
I can see it from the spark in your eyes
You believe in all the things
You've denied
You wanna fly
And leave your worries behind
Don't you? Don't you?
Well, now I'm knocking
At your front door
And I'm looking for the right cure
I'm still a little bit unsure
Okay, now take off that veil.
Uh-uh.
I think I've blown something.
Does anyone else smell cinnamon?
Move it, fatso.
You can never tell where this might go
Okay, you are blowing my mind.
You have to show me who you are.
- We have to go.
- What?
- Come.
- No, Ange.
In the middle of a really big moment
right now.
Someone had an accident
and went home.
I'm so sorry.
What...? You...?
Hey. Wait.
But who are you?
Over here. Go, go, go.
- We beat her.
- I love you for this.
Interesting babysitting attire.
I should've known
you'd go behind my back again.
And that Paula Abdul wannabe,
trying to distract me.
Don't talk about her like that.
Your friend wants to be a choreographer,
if memory serves.
She might've made a decent one
if she hadn't gotten herself expelled.
Guess she can kiss
them Juilliard dreams goodbye.
Look, I'll do whatever you want.
Okay? Just leave Ange out of this.
That depends if you pull another stunt
like tonight, sugar.
- I won't.
- I'll be taking this.
Only her eyes were piercing out
through this veil, but her voice...
How hot was the girl
on a scale of one to 10?
- An 11.
- The hotness scale only goes 10.
Yeah, this girl has love potential.
- Ooh, love.
- Shut it.
We are gonna do this for hours
until we get it right. Even if it takes hours.
Now, sing like your life depends on it.
Because, sugar, it does.
We're recording.
Plug in the mike
Open the curtain
Turn on the lights
I'm through rehearsing
- Dang, she's good, man.
- Told you, man.
Check this out, all right?
Thirty-nine girls in the singing program
which means 85 percent...
...have music during the sixth period.
So your girl's in one of those rooms.
The feeling ignites
I'm in control
Oh, cut. Cut.
That was subpar at best.
From the top, pretty please.
Amazing grace
It's cool, I got this.
Ladies, all my single ladies.
My boy Luke here has a special favor
to ask of you, all right?
He needs vocals
for this big show coming up, so...
- My name is...
- Luke Morgan.
You will put me in the Showcase.
Oh, yes, you will.
- Maybe I could ask you to sing first?
- I am so gonna rock your world.
I love the way you love me, Luke
Inside my head every night
You come and kiss me good night
Whatever you see is what you get
Why don't you not suck
and do it again, okay?
I wanna be with you forever...
What is going on in here? Disgusting.
You two boys are not in my class.
Stop. Wait.
Stop. Wait. Stop.
I got nothing to lose
I've been exposed
I'm paying my dues
Playing the role
- Oh, really?
- We are back where we started.
This is not good.
That's her. That's her voice.
Don't think you can get away from me.
- Step aside. Step aside.
- Please. Wait.
Okay. But first, why don't you
just both audition for me.
Listen...
Luke, you are the one for me, yes you are
You just don't know it yet
Make you believe in me
I can be what you want me to be
Tonight is the night
Where I make you see
That I can be
Anything, anything, anything
I'll make you believe in me
I can be what you want me to be
Tonight is the night
Where I make you see
It was you?
- Oh, sorry to interrupt.
- Oh, no, honey. Interrupt away.
I didn't think I'd see you. It was killing me.
Because I felt like we connected.
Excuse me.
Uh, how exactly did you two connect?
Yeah, how did we? I mean, we did.
- Through...
- With your lyrics. They just...
- I can't get them out of my head.
- My lyrics. Yeah.
Well, how wonderful.
But, uh, Bev has to prepare
for her Showcase audition.
Oh, no. She doesn't need to audition.
You're in.
Do you wanna grab a bite later?
- Yeah.
Wait.
You have a date with detention.
Actually, he has a date with me.
Dear me, did I not fire you?
- I have tenure.
- One call and you're wearing a paper hat...
...that says "Welcome to McDonald's.
How may I take your order?"
- Five calls.
- Two calls and text.
Two calls, a text, several long e-mails.
One text and a Tweet.
- One text and a re-Tweet.
Oh, for God's sakes,
go lick a chalkboard.
Fine.
I hate you.
Okay. Um, I'd love to write a song with you.
Let's talk about it tonight?
- I'd love to.
- Okay, you're on.
I've always wanted to write a song.
Maybe I'll write about my skin.
They say love tightens your pores.
What rhymes with pores?
Chores. Bores. Sores.
Katie, I've got a new task for you.
Crushing disappointment.
You are gonna write a song for Bev
to say she wrote for Luke.
A song
about what a good kisser Luke is.
We can't just give him a song.
He wants to write it with you
and you know nothing about music.
Katie, I'm sorry to say...
...but Bev's gonna need some help
keeping your man.
Well, I mean, her man.
Oh, and that silky smooth sound
you hit on the high notes, that is just...
It is the sexiest thing I've ever heard.
Silky and sexy. That's good. Ha, ha.
I don't know why, but I was kind of
surprised that you were into music.
- Yeah, me too.
- What?
I mean, I am.
Are you okay?
You keep checking your phone.
Yes. Um... Um...
My grandma fell and broke her hip.
So she just sends me updates.
- Old people and their cell phones.
Yeah.
- So I just I don't wanna miss anything.
- I hope she's okay.
But, uh, you were right.
I, um... I have been hiding.
- From your dead?
- Sorry?
Dad.
Dad.
- Hiding from your dad.
- Yes.
You seemed upset
that first day that we met.
And I thought maybe your dad
had something to do with it.
He wants me to be just like him.
And I wanna play music.
I don't wanna be
some suit managing musicians.
You feel like he wishes
you were a totally different person?
Yes. And sometimes I even wish that.
- Does that sound stupid?
- Yes.
Sorry?
I mean, no.
I mean, no.
So who is your favorite artist?
Today, it would have to be Moose.
Do you mean Muse?
Yeah, Muse. That's what I said.
Oh.
But old-school
would have to be John Lennon.
Oh, God, I love Lennon.
His lyrics are so honest.
His voice was just like an angle.
- An angle?
- Yeah.
Learn how to read.
Yeah, it would be like, uh, a right angle,
you know.
It would start out at 90 degrees.
And then it would just take you somewhere
that you never expected you would go.
- Doesn't really make any sense, does it?
- Not at all.
Maybe you could just ask me
another question.
I wasn't kidding when I said
we should write together.
That's not a question.
Oh, okay.
Um, how about what inspires you
to write music?
What inspires me?
That's a good question.
You know, I would have to say...
It would be, um...
Inspiration!
Oh. Wow. Ahem.
You know,
inspiration is such a deeply, uh...
It's personal. It's, like, kind of indefinable,
I guess you could say.
It's just personal. Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.
No, you're okay. Um...
Did it get on your jacket?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, you know what? You're fine.
It's just...
Oh, no. Uh...
- Is Grandma okay?
- Uh, no. Um, she has to go to the bathroom.
- Oh, she does tell you everything.
I should go to the bathroom too.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing? Get back out there.
This is working like a charm.
What do you want me to do?
Send smoke signals?
- No.
- Look, you can go back in there, okay?
But you are so in over your head
you don't even know it.
No, I'm not. You know what?
I'm so sick of using your words.
I don't need you.
I can do this on my own.
Luke wants me.
I talk good.
Hey, good luck.
- Hi.
- Sorry.
So let's talk classical music.
Who are your favorites?
Mozart.
Beethoven?
Tchaikovsky. You are a Swan Lake girl,
aren't you?
- I have bad news. My grandma croaked.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- I should go.
- Look, if you wanna talk about it, l...
You know, I would prefer to remember
my grandma's memory in silence.
Crap.
Mah-meh, mah-meh.
Victor, if you have stolen my
commemorative Gandhi knife again...
...I will make you into a eunuch.
You were supposed to be
watching Victor.
You told me you wanted the chandelier
to sparkle.
Now I want you to throw out
my facelessness.
Victor, is Bev in?
I'll tell you
When you can guess what song I'm playing
Is Bev in?
Guess what song!
It doesn't sound like anything
I've ever heard!
That's because I don't know how to play!
We could be here all day!
Well, I could show you some chords!
- I thought you wanted to see Bev.
- Bev can wait a sec.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Now, I'm gonna show you three chords.
- And we're gonna turn it into a song.
- Okay.
This is the first chord.
It's an E.
All right. Second chord.
Go to G. Slide it up.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
There we go.
Slide it up again. You got an A.
There. We're gonna put it together.
- It's gonna be a whole song.
- Okay.
Now.
Very good. You can play, you rascal.
If you practice and with that haircut,
you could be a Beatle.
No, The Stones are a lot better.
- Luke.
- Hey.
Hi.
- I keep running into you here.
But no partial nudity this time.
Um, I didn't know you and Bev
had a date today.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm kind of surprising her.
I'll go get her.
He's crazy.
So it looks like she lost her head.
Oh. Yeah, it's an artist's rendition
of what's going on up there.
You play a Gallagher.
That is so cool.
- You know guitars.
- No. Uh-uh.
I mean, yeah, a little. Not really.
Yeah, I know. I like the way the, um...
The rosewood holds the, uh...
- The notes.
- Notes.
Notes, yeah. Um...
You always seem to disappear.
I really wish you wouldn't.
You're actually quite cool.
You think I'm cool?
Luke. Hi.
- What a surprise.
- Um...
- Oh, God, I love your skinny jeans.
- Oh, thank you. Uh...
I brought my guitar.
We could write that song.
- Awesome. Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, yeah. I guess I gotta go disappear.
And can you just wait in there
for one minute?
- I need your new song.
- What? I'm not done yet.
Give me what you have so far.
- Come on.
- Don't break my heart.
I will break more than that.
- No, that's the lyric.
- What?
That's it?
You have had forever to work on this.
Oh, my God, you're giving me a twitch.
Fine.
Victor?
- Victor.
- Victor.
I know you're there.
You're trespassing
and you've just entered a world of hurt.
Yeah, well, I know all about
your surveillance crap, Victor.
Your cameras hidden in every nook
and cranny, I know.
- What kinds of nooks and crannies?
- You can't prove anything.
Well, I won't tell Mom
if you do me a favor.
I need Katie to talk to me
with no one knowing.
- No one can hear her. She can hear me.
Don't.
- Is it possible?
- Say no.
You've come to the right man.
Watch and learn, ladies.
I can hide a mike anywhere.
Mom swallowed one.
And you don't wanna hear the live feed,
trust me.
Oh, this is insane.
I guarantee my work.
- Hey, Victor, set up Katie.
- Okay.
Here you go, Katie.
I put this in my ear?
You put it on your ear and you talk.
Well, you are ugly,
you could probably fit all it in there.
Luke, I'm so sorry.
I have to give Katie a sisterly talk,
you know.
She's so high-maintenance. Ha, ha.
Anyway, well, where were we?
Uh, well, we hadn't started.
- Perfect. Let's start.
Bev.
Uh, Bev, hey, can you hear me?
- What do you wanna start with?
Bev?
- Yes.
- What?
What? Ha.
You wanna sing and I'll play harmony?
Uh, no.
I was thinking maybe you could sing...
...and I could give you some lyrics
that I wrote.
That sounds good, okay.
- I... Um...
Yeah.
They are, um... Um...
Don't break my heart.
Don't break my heart.
Before I give it to you.
Before I give it to you.
Don't break my heart
before I give it to you, okay.
Don't tell me no.
- Don't tell me no.
Before I ask you to.
Before I ask you to.
Don't tell me no, before I ask you to.
- Yeah.
- That's good. Um...
Thanks.
Don't break my heart.
More?
Don't say it doesn't fit.
Don't say it doesn't fit.
Before you try it on.
Before you try it on.
Don't say it doesn't fit
before you try it on.
Try it on.
- I like it.
- Thanks. Ha, ha.
Um, there's too much to lose.
- There's so much to lose.
Too much to lose.
Too much to lose.
To be wrong.
- To be wrong.
Too much to lose to be wrong.
- Yeah. That's good.
Yeah.
More? You got any more?
Yeah.
- And it feels like there's something here.
And it feels like
there's something here.
And it feels like
there's something here.
But I wanna see it
before it disappears.
But I wanna see it
before it disappears.
- Yeah.
Do you like that?
And if there's something real
between me and you.
And if there's something real
between me and you.
If there's something real between...
- Or are we both open to.
Don't break my heart before I give it to you
Don't tell me no before I ask you to
Don't say it doesn't fit before you try it on
There's too much to lose to be wrong
And it feels like there's something here
But I wanna see it before it disappears
And if there's something real
Between me and you
Well, are we both open to
All these possibilities
So many little possibilities
Who wants pie?
Ugh!
Sorry. Um, I was just gonna go
get some pie and thinking:
"Why should I get pie for myself. There
might be other people that want some pie?"
I want pie.
No, Katie, there's no pie needs here
at the moment. Thank you.
You know what? I should go.
Um, I've got some acts to finalize
for the Showcase so I'II, uh...
We were singing.
And we were doing things.
And it was amazing. All of it.
And I'll catch you later, okay?
Okay, I'll walk you out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
What are you doing in my bed?
While waiting for you,
I meditated so strenuously that I fell asleep.
Mr. Victor,
time for your weekly meditation.
Today, we are working on, uh,
silence and potty training.
Oh, sit.
I said sit.
What in the name of Bhuvaneshwari?
Holy cow.
Uh, a bottle of wine ago,
I was gonna be sweet as sugar...
...and apologize for living up
to the stereotype of stepmotherhood.
Dumb.
You know, but making you watch
my real daughter steal the boy you like...
...and the song you wrote.
You're saying you're sorry?
Oh, bless your heart. No, no, no.
I came to my senses and I realized
it was better to just tell you the truth.
You are never gonna amount
to anything.
My mom is a beyotch.
And you're a sneaky, sneaky spy,
Mr. Victor.
How many cameras do you have?
Enough to know your accent's
faker than my mom's soul.
Oh, and don't get the dumb idea
to throw that Showcase.
Because I talked to a lawyer.
And he found a loophole that allows me
to access that money your daddy left you...
...should I need it for a medical reason.
You know, hello, longer legs.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you go...
- I'll sing for Bev. Don't worry.
Well, that was easier than I thought.
Now, go and make me a vodka tonic.
Hold the tonic.
Her reign of terror's gotta stop.
I'm in. What do we do?
Look, there's nothing you can do.
If you try to help,
it's just gonna make it worse.
That woman is a demon
spawned from darkness itself.
I wish she'd go straight back to...
Hello, Ms. Gail.
Have you, uh, released your mind
from the shackles of thinking today?
- I'm working on it.
- Very good.
- How was your meditation?
I hate you.
Very good. You look pretty.
I know.
That broad
ain't getting away with ruining your life.
I'm pooping in her bed tonight.
Victor, I thought you hated me.
Are you an idiot?
You're the only person
who knows my birthday.
The only one who says goodnight
to me.
The only one who makes me
mac and cheese.
You're annoying and ugly...
...but I sort of love you.
I sort of love you too.
But just promise me
you're not gonna do anything, okay?
- You too.
- Oh, come on.
- Just... No... Ple...
- Just... No. Just...
- No. Tony.
- Just one...
Okay.
All right.
Well, now I get to go fold Bev's delicates.
- Have you heard of knocking?
- Ever heard of I don't care?
Where'd you put my blue blouse?
Oh, okay.
Okay, which one of these
do you like better?
- You actually want my opinion?
- God, I know. What's wrong with me?
You know how you're a bitch and I act
like I don't care, but truth is I'm sensitive?
- Actually...
- I need someone to talk to like a sister...
...and you're better than nothing.
I'm nervous about tonight.
Oh, my God, why did I just tell you that?
I don't know.
It's like my whole body is freaking out.
I have hives on my butt.
I can't tell Mom
and I can't talk to Luke about it.
He'll say something like:
"Oh, one minute
you're talented and we're connecting...
...and the next minute you're self-involved
and histrionic."
- What does that even mean? I hate history.
- He said that?
Listen, Toadie, he's not falling for you,
he's falling for me.
I just don't know who me is anymore.
Why are you nervous?
You're not really singing.
All you have to do is stand there
and look pretty.
Have you ever thought
about how that makes me feel?
You have talent.
You could go on American Idol
and forget about the rest of us.
This is, like, my only chance.
Pretty doesn't last very long.
Just look at Mom.
You think I'm talented?
If you tell anyone I said that, I'll deny it.
Wear the blue blouse.
It makes your eyes pop.
This better work.
Because if I go down,
you're go down with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's up, my party people?
Yeah. All right, all right, all right.
Let's get this show started.
Welcome to the stage, my boy, my British
biscuit and y'all's host for the night...
...Luke Morgan.
Are you amped for the Wellesley Academy
of the Arts Showcase?
Good. Because we have Mickey O'Malley
spinning tonight.
So let's get this party started
with Big Pain Ticket.
I wanna kiss your apocalypse
Wrap you in my Armageddon
Sing you a twisted serenade
We can run away together
Hello, Guy. So glad you could make it.
My two A&R guys, Tom and, uh, Tom.
Uh, did I miss your big line up?
You're just in time. And I know
you'll love the closing act. She's amazing.
Well, I expect nothing less.
Oh, yeah. Nothing and less are definitely
two words I'd use to describe it.
Why don't I show you and the Toms
to the VIP section.
Katie, go help Bev
with her makeup, please.
- Okay.
- Now.
This way, please, come on.
What a lovely suit.
Move it.
Hey. Out of the way. Out of the way.
Michael, go on.
I have to announce what's next.
I'll see you at the end.
Guy. Tom. Tom.
I'll be right back.
Good to see you.
Nice suit.
What was that back there?
This is your last chance to get it right.
Unless you wanna see
Angela's Juilliard dreams go bye-bye.
That what you wanna be? A little
dwarfish Asian girl's dream crusher, huh?
- Do you?
- No. No.
No? No? No? Then focus!
- Look, Ange, you...
- Gail's been threatening me too.
That's why you're doing
what she wants.
- To protect me.
- Ange.
You're my best friend.
Look, I'd do anything for you.
Okay.
So we're gonna take it up a notch
with Jason Berkeley and the Funky Funk.
Scratch that.
Um, here are my boys, the Oral Majority.
I'm lost in a world that rattles my brain
Cleaning up my life
From the mess you made, oh, oh
Move it. Guy.
This is just the boring appetizer.
The real showstopper's up next.
Ah!
Oh!
You okay, Mr. Morgan?
Here, let me get that for you.
Well, it had better be.
I have to pee.
Oh, I will take you to the pee, Mr. Victor.
Sorry.
So keep on knocking, knocking, knocking
But, baby, you're better off walking
'Cause I ain't gonna let you in
Never again
No, not again
Never again
No, not again
My brothers, yeah!
Okay.
You guys having a good time?
Let's keep it going
with Beverly Van Ravensway.
Plug in the mike
Open the curtain
Turn on the lights
I'm through rehearsing
The feeling ignites
I'm in control
The crowd's in the palm of my hand
All my fans stand
What is the truth?
What's an illusion?
You're searching for proof
But are you certain?
Whatever you see is what you get
If words paint a picture
Then I bet you I can get you, yeah
I'll make you believe in me
I can be what you want me to be
Tonight is the night
Where I'll make you see
That I can be
Anything, anything, anything
I'll make you believe in me
I can be what you want...
Give me...
I'm so sorry, my mike...
My mike isn't working.
Uh, excuse me.
I don't know.
- Give me that. Give me that.
How dare you sabotage your mother,
you rotten, rotten little boy?
You, give me that. It doesn't matter.
- We'll do it live.
- What? What?
Ha. My mike is broken. I'm so sorry.
Here.
What?
Stay.
No, no, no. You gotta get out of here.
You're about to sing for Bev.
Why are you about to sing for Bev?
She can't sing.
Come on.
Hey. All of you, keep playing.
Keep playing, you idiots.
It was your voice the whole time?
Bev never sang at all?
And she's about to not sing
for a whole bunch of people, so please...
And on the dates, that... That was you.
I got nothing to lose
I've been exposed
I'm paying my dues
Playing the role
I'm breaking the rules
Flow in the flow
I got the whole world nodding, yes
Like some bobbleheads
I'll break a sweat
If you want it
Confess all your sins
You know you got 'em
The room's in a spin
The fever's pitched
- You gotta go. Come on, get out there.
Aah!
I'm legit, I'm no counterfeit
I'll make you believe in me
I can be what you want me to be
Tonight is the night where I make you see
That I can be
Anything, anything, anything
I'll make you believe in me
I can be what you want me to be
Hey! Shut that camera down! Now!
Tonight is the night where I make you see
That I can be
Anything, anything, anything
You want from me
That's what I'm talking about.
Shut the power down. Shut it down.
Not so fast, jerknuts.
Hey. Clear.
Sing something else.
We want more! We want more!
Like what?
The demo you snuck my dad. I heard it.
Yeah, do it!
Do it!
We want more!
We want more! We want more!
Okay, follow my lead, guys.
There's a little secret
I would like to tell you
There's a book of lies
I know they'll try to sell you
And they'll try and they'll try
To convince you to buy
You need them
So the next time you're down
Look inside, not around
I can dress myself
There's no need for someone's help
There's no one to blame
There's no one to save you but yourself
I can justify
All the mistakes in my life
It's taught me to be
It's given to me
And I'll survive
'Cause I have blessed myself
Do you ever wonder
How anything can make you cry?
Have yourself discover
That the pain you feel
Is the pain that you deny
You can bless yourself
There's no need for someone else
There's no one to blame
There's no one to save you but yourself
I can justify
All the mistakes in my life
It's taught me to be
It's given to me
And I'll survive
'Cause I have blessed myself
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
We hope you enjoyed the Wellesley
Academy of Arts Showcase.
Oh, my God, you were so good.
Who are you?
You're like a freaking rock star.
Are you kidding me? Man, she likes you...
So, what did he say? Is he mad?
Yeah. He's pretty ticked off...
...that I'm not already making
the next big album for Kensington Records.
Oh. Which album?
Your album.
- Are you kidding me?
- No.
- You're... You're serious?
- Uh-huh.
Go for it.
We're making an album.
And we're writing it together.
Yeah! Yeah!
I'm so happy.
You know, I sing too.
I can do a whole monologue album.
Incredible. Hey, congratulations.
- Yo, blow it up. Boom.
I'm your boy. Call me up.
Yeah. Yeah, he's really good
at guitars. He's a kook.
Guy! Wait!
- What now, Gail? More lies?
- Well, everyone lies in this business.
It's called spin.
So Bev can't sing.
That didn't stop Jessica Simpson.
Well, we'll see what the school board
thinks when I get them a ring, shall we?
How dare you? Teaching is my life.
Give it up, Mom.
Guy!
I will have my nirvana moment.
I'll make you believe in me
I can be what you want me to be
Oh, come on. Look alive, people.
I'm a star.
Let's try this again.
I'll make you believe...
Oh, no. You want a piece of me?
Hey. Clear.
Run this town tonight
Where's breakfast...? Sorry.
I'm lost in a world
That rattles my brain
I'm cleaning up my life
From the mess you made, oh, oh
- Katie, are you wearing a doormat?
- Welcome.
Thanks. Now the pants.
And then it would just take you somewhere
that you never expected you would go.
You wanna hear
the monologue from My Fair Lady?
Oy, mate, oy.
I love my life.
Call me.
- Hello?
Yeah. You like it? You like it? Yeah.