(quiet, noble melody playing)
(music fades)
(car approaching)
(keys jingling)
(flames crackling)
(flames crackling)
Yeah, I got a fire|at the Quick Stop.
Yeah.
(steam hissing)
(hissing and crackling)
(debris rattling)
(bell dings)
Terrorists?
I left the coffee pot|on again, didn't I?
Shit!
Now where am I gonna|bring chicks to fuck
when my mom's home?
But Flowers"intro playing)
(horn honks)
# Here we stand #
# Like an Adam and an Eve #
# Waterfalls #
# The Garden of Eden #
# Two fools in love #
# So beautiful... #
So, ready for your big last day?
I am.
When do you and your old lady|head down to Florida?
Tomorrow morning.
Car's all packed up.
You gonna do anything crazy
before you leave|New Jersey forever?
How long have you known me?
If I were you,|I'd spray-paint "eat pussy"
across the side of the building|in huge letters.
Why?
Let 'em know|you were there, man.
I'd rather let them know|I'm not an asshole.
Too late for that.
I'm really gonna miss you, man.
# Hey #
# Once there were parking lots #
# Now it's a peaceful oasis #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# This was a Pizza Hut #
# Now it's all covered|with daisies #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# I miss the honky-tonks,|Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# And as things fell apart #
# Nobody paid much attention #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# Years ago #
# I was an angry young man... #
I can't believe they haven't|done anything with it yet.
The Lord did|something with it.
He smited that hellhole.
Listen to you.
Do you mean to tell me
you don't miss|that place at all?
(scoffs):|God, no.
Do you?
Of course not.
# I wish I had a lawnmower #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# #
# #
# #
# I dream of cherry pies #
# Candy bars|and chocolate chip cookies #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# Don't leave me stranded here #
# I can't get used|to this lifestyle. #
(heavy metal music playing)
(whistles)
# Grandma, what was it like #
# To be on that holiday site? #
Get the fuck out of here!
# Grandma said, "Do come in,|my little friend." #
You know, sometimes I wish|I did a little more with my life
instead of hanging out in front|of places selling weed and shit.
Like, maybe be an animal doctor.
Why not me?
I like seals and shit.
Or maybe an astronaut.
Yeah.
Like, be the first motherfucker|to see a new galaxy
or find|a new alien life-form...
and fuck it.
And people'd be like,|"There he goes.
Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
Holy shit.
Our first customer|since our triumphant return.
Act cool.
Hold on.
Yeah, you guys holdin'?
Shit, everything but coke,|heroin and your cock.
What?
How about a nickel bag, man?
(sing-songy):|Oh, 15 bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.
# Nong, nong, nagga-|nagga-nong-nong. #
He likes to sing.
So, uh, I haven't seen|you guys in a while, man.
Where you been all this time?
Me and Silent Bob|finally bought a car,
we're cruising down|to the Boardwalk...
fucking Middletown cop|pulls us over
for Suspicion of Mischief.
What the fuck does that mean?
We were driving around|with a deployed airbag.
The cops pull us over.
They find two pounds|of Jamaican lambswool.
Prosecutor wants|to put us away for a dime,
but the judge gives us|rehab instead.
Shit, rehab?
Yup-yup.
How long were you in?
JAY:|Six months, sir.
We got six months|and two days on the wagon
as a good friend of Bill W.'s.
Check it out.
Just got it two days ago,|before we got out.
Yeah, but if you're holding|all the time,
aren't you gonna be tempted|to get high?
Oh, not with the power|of Christ on my side, sir.
Is that a fuckin' Bible?
Hey, hey,|the Holy fuckin' Bible, son!
What the fuck kind|of songbird Jesus-freak dealer
did you bring me to?
"(laughs):" I like them, man.|They're funny.
They're fuckin' stupid.
You should read your Bible,|sirs.
You'll find all types|of weird shit in there.
Like, did you know|Jesus was a Jew?
Yeah.
(chuckles)
I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,
and we're almost out|of hash browns.
Hold on.
Now, Randal!
(chuckling)
What are you writing|over there, anyway,
your memoirs?
I'm battling
this jackass|on his blog's message board.
About what?
On how he's got|too much free time and no life.
So does the guy who's|flaming him on his Web site.
I can't help it.|The guy pisses me off.
It's this fuck in a wheelchair
that's always preying|on everyone's sympathies,
writing these long diatribes|about how he'll never walk again
and how walkers should|appreciate the blessings
of their functioning legs.
That diatribe, as you call it,
sounds like|some poor crippled guy
pouring out his heart|and feelings.
Oh, fuck him, man.
Trying to guilt me|into walking around more
because he's all gimped out?
What kind of mind-fuck|is that shit?
So I've been getting|into it with him,
throwing it back|in his stupid crippy-boy face
about how I love|to just sit around
and how I'd rather drive to|the end of the block than walk.
The guy's in a wheelchair.
Yeah. That's why|I called him crippy-boy.
Have a good one.
You fuckin' freak.
(door buzzer moos)
I'm not even gonna point out|the irony here.
What's the matter with you?
What'd I do now?
There's a crippled guy|who found a way
to reach out to a world|he feels isolated from,
and you somehow found a|way to take issue with him.
Sure, take his side.
Have you become so embittered
that you now feel the need|to attack the handicapped?
What handicap?
The guy's|just in a wheelchair.
It's not like|he's Anne Frank or something.
Anne Frank?
Yeah, Anne Frank,|the chick that was all...
(moaning)
...till the miracle worker|showed up
and knocked|some smarts into her.
(snickers):|You're talking
about Helen Keller.
No, I'm not.|I'm talking about Anne Frank.
She was deaf, dumb and blind.
No, she wasn't.
Helen Keller was|deaf, dumb and blind.
Are you sure?
Yup.
Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
Anne Frank's|the little Jewish girl
who hid from the Nazis
in a secret room|with her family.
She wrote a diary.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then, I guess|this guy is like Anne Frank,
what with the diary, you know?
No, he's like Helen Keller|with the handicap, you jerk!
(computer beeping)
You always got to be right,|don't you?
You Nazi douche bag.
What? What do you want?
No, we don't serve Cow Tippers|in the morning.
Freedom Toast is a possibility.
# #
Oh, we totally do.
(scoffs)
All right, that'll be $12.64.
(door moos electronically)
(gasps)
(sighs)
Avert your eyes, you perv.
That's not very hygienic.
That's all I'm gonna tell you.
(door moos electronically)
Emma, are you like this
'cause you have an|unnaturally large clit?
(sighs)
You just had to tell him,|didn't you?
It kind of came out one day.
He says it's so big,
it's almost like|a little cock...
which says all kinds|of weird things about him
that I don't even want|to think about.
You wouldn't want|to be with a girl
with an oversized clit?
No, 'cause the next stop is|a guy with an undersized dick.
(door moos electronically)
# #
You're a little hard.
'Cause you're|a little close to me.
I can pull back, if you want.
Can we pull back into our|own apartment in Florida again?
Really? Goddamn it, Dante.
How many times|are we gonna have
this fucking conversation?
There is no point|in getting an apartment anymore.
My mother has|pretty much told us
that she's gonna get us|a house as a wedding gift.
Your parents' generosity
just makes me|a little uncomfortable, Em.
They're giving us a house.
Your dad's giving me|one of his car washes to run.
It just feels weird.
Babe, it just feels weird|because you're so used
to life shitting|on you all the time.
What the fuck does that mean?
All I'm saying is that suddenly,
you have a woman that loves you,
a new job opportunity
and a fantastic life|to look forward to, right?
You got to face it, tiger:|You hit the jackpot.
RANDAL:|What's up?
Something wrong?
RANDAL:|Nope.
Just saw you guys talking.
Thought I'd come out here|and join you.
God, it must be|nice to have a job
with so much downtime.
Downtime's important.
If I had to deal with all|the fucking mouth-breathers
nonstop, without a break,
I'd put my head|in the deep fryer.
Balls, too.
Do you really want
to sit here and watch me|and my fiance make out?
- Are you that much of a loser?|- Not really.
I was actually gonna ask|you two to knock it off
while I was out here.
I don't fucking understand|why you can't be happy
for your best friend.
He finally found a woman|who loves him.
(titters)
Like you even register|as a chick to me.
You might as well be a dude.
Really?
Yeah. You're|my best friend's girlfriend.
You became|persona non-nookie to me
the moment he started diddling|your pooter.
So thinking of me|in terms of being a girl
kind of creeps you out,|does it?
Sweetheart, I don't think|of you in terms of being a girl.
I don't think of you|in any way...
Oh, that was just wrong.
If you don't get|the fuck out of here
so that I can spend|some quality time with my man,
next, I'm gonna show you|my pooter.
Why would you want|to do something like that?
All right, all right,|I'm leaving!
Jesus!
What'd you do that for?
You realize he just|thinks you're trying
to get him into a three-way|with us now, don't you?
EMMA: Yeah, right.|With Graves?
That man's a total fucking|Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.
Hey!
You talk tough, but when|we're crossing the state line,
I bet you get all sentimental|for Jersey
and squirt a few tears.
Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.
Jersey sucks,
and we are surrounded by morons.
On that note, I'm gonna go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!|You're leaving?
EMMA:|Yeah, I've got|a ton of stuff to do
before we leave in the morning,|but I love you.
I love you, too.
(whispering):|Bye.
Dude, I'm pretty sure|your old lady wants
to get you and me together|in a three-way.
(whistling lackadaisically)
(whistling continues)
(scoffs)
(whistling continues)
(door moos electronically)
Ow.
Dude, how old are you?
(laughs)
You know I'm 19, Randal.
You wouldn't work for me|last week, remember?
'Cause you said working|on my birthday
would help me build character.
(sighs)
Well, at least you spelled|"cock" right this time.
Why the fuck are you|still getting rides
from your mother?
And even worse,
what the fuck are you|kissing her good-bye for?
What is she,|your fuckin' prom date?
You're not gonna bother me|today, Randal.
I'm in too good a mood.
Because your mom|slipped you the tongue?
No, because I just read online|that there's gonna be
a live-action|Transformers movie.
And?
Well... I mean, as you know,
my online handle|is Optimus Prime.
I know that.|I wish I didn't.
Well, so not only is it awesome
that there's gonna be a|live-action Transformers movie,
but I'm, like,|positioned or whatever
with the best possible|Net handle and e-mail address
for when the movie comes out.
Oh, you're gonna be rolling|in the pussy, man.
Don't be gross.
Says the guy|who was just playing
tonsil hockey with his mother.
Mr. Dante!
Leave Elias alone, Randal!
Don't look at his wee-wee.
Dude, the Transformers sucked.
Oh, no, they didn't.
They were more|than meets the eye.
(scoffs)
They could beat the pants|off Ranger Danger any day.
Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering|whether you're right
- about that or not.|- Ow.
I thought you weren't even|allowed to watch a lot of TV
in your house 'cause you're all|Christian and shit.
Well, as it turns out,|cars and trucks
that turn into...
robots aren't really|that blasphemous,
because my pastor says
that machines can turn|into other machines,
and it's not a sleight|against God.
Transformers were|a total sleight against God,
inasmuch as God sent|His only begotten son
to die on the cross|to redeem mankind,
and all we did to pay him back
was make terrible fucking|cartoons like the Transformers.
Nice shot.
Well, 'cause at Bible camp,|we made this flow chart which...
I mean, I don't know,
kind of, like, proved|or whatever that...
Well, okay...
Bible camp?!
Since God created...
Since God created man,
and man created|the Transformers...
...the Transformers are like|a gift from God, Randal.
No, sir.|They are not a gift from God.
They are an unholy curse
from the beast|we call the Desolate One.
I don't really want|to hear this, Randal.
The first of the fallen,
the spoiler of virgins,
the master of abortions!
You know I don't like to talk|about dark forces, Randal.
(in high-pitched voice):|# Let me help you #
# Out of your chair, Grandma! #
# Grandma, what was it like #
# To be on that holiday site? #
# Late that night,|I awoke from my sleep #
# Hearing unknown voices #
JAY/RANDAL:|# Laughing insane... #
(screaming)
(gasps)
(groaning):|Oh...
# #
Oh, what the fuck was that?
What?
That wave.
I saw Becky, so I waved.
She'll be in here in 20 seconds.
And?
And you've got to greet her
before she gets in here,|you fuckin' ass-kiss?
What's that all about?
It's called friendship.
She's your boss.
You can't be friends|with your boss.
No, you can't be friends|with your boss.
I like my boss.
I think there's|something going on
between you two.
You're crazy.
You spend an awful lot|of time talking to her.
I spend an awful lot of time|talking to you, too.
And I've always maintained
you're harboring an unrequited|homosexual crush on me.
We're just friends.
That's what I keep telling you.
No, you idiot, me and Becks.
"Becks"?
I knew it.
You're fucking|around with the boss.
Yeah, that's why I'm moving|to Florida with my fiancee.
Why would you want|to fuck around
with a chick your own age, man?
If you've got to sow|some of your wild oats,
there's all|these fine young chicks
that stop in here after school.
First off, I'm not cheating|on my fiancee.
Secondly, if I was cheating|on my fiancee,
it wouldn't be with a teenager.
Why not?
The best part of this job
is all the barely-legal pussy|that comes in here.
And they all look up to me,
'cause I've got|a driver's license.
It's awesome.|You're 33.
You show me one|33-year-old chick
who's as buck-wild in bed
as her 17-year-old|counterpart.
They're up for anything.
They even like it when|you go ass to mouth.
Oh... my... God.
What?
Are you serious?
I don't fuck around when|it comes to ass to mouth.
DANTE:|You never go ass to mouth.
It's never my idea.
These young girls today|get all horned up,
and they tell you|to go ass to mouth.
You never go|ass to mouth, Randal!
You sound like my mom.
Becks, do you ever|go ass to mouth?
You never go ass to mouth.
You've never gone ass to mouth?
You never go ass to mouth.
I've never gone ass to mouth.
Not even once?
Not even ever.
You're both so repressed.
All right, look,
I know you've given|a blow job, right?
I haven't even put|my purse down yet.
That's a yes.
And I know you've|gone down on chicks.
What's your point?
Well,
when you're done chowing down|on the no-no parts
of your lover,|you kiss him, right?
That's just like going|ass to mouth.
Okay, I'm pretty sure you just|compared a vagina to an asshole.
(chuckles):|And?
Have you restocked|all the napkin holders yet?
That's an Elias job.
That comparison|of pink and brown eyes
just made it a Randal job.
ELIAS:|Zing!
Shut the fuck up, GoBot.
I could probably sue|this whole corporation right now
for sexual harassment.
You're just making me|restock the napkin holders
because of my firmly held|beliefs
on the subject of ass to mouth.
You never go ass to mouth!
Would you grow up?
"(quietly):" All right,|I'm gonna tell you this
'cause we're friends...
but sometimes,|in the heat of the moment,
it's forgivable|to go ass to mouth.
(Randal chuckles)
I knew it.
(disgusted groan)
I'm fuckin' bored, man!
And boredom's the first step|on the road to relapse.
("Goodbye Horses"playing)
Oh!
# #
Would you fuck me?
I'd fuck me.
I'd fuck me hard.
# Ooh, ooh... ooh, ooh... #
(long sigh)
faintly from outside)
Shit.
Well, hello, Miss Scott.
Well, here he is,|the escape artist.
I'm not gone yet.
Please. You've been|gone for the last month.
When do you guys leave?
Well, we start driving|tomorrow morning.
Oh, uh, I left you|the forwarding address
for my last check|on the calendar there.
So you did.
That's her parents's house,|right?
Yes, but only until the wedding.
And then, from what I hear,
her parents|are giving us a house.
Nice!
So I guess dowries|are making a comeback.
Oh, yeah.
Her dad sweetened the pot|with two fatted calves
(laughs)
I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.
I still can't believe
you're just gonna leave|me alone in this place...
with Randal Graves,|of all people.
Quit.
Move to Florida.
You could work|at the car wash with me.
Wow, you make it|sound so tempting.
How can I say no?
Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a|fucking car wash in Florida.
Like it's any worse|than this place.
Hurl the insults|all you want, buddy man.
As soon as my uncle's|on his feet again,
it's not like I'm|gonna be staying here.
- Hey, how's he doing?|- A lot better.
It only took two years|and a shitload of chemo,
but... his red cell count's|almost back to normal.
That's great.
Yeah, it's great for me, too.
Couple of weeks|in this crap shack
turned into a couple of|years a little too quickly.
But, Hicks, we can sit here
making small talk|about your last day
and what it is I'm going|to do once you're gone,
or we can treat this|like any other workday.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
(chuckling)
Randal.
One ring to rule them all.
And you wonder why no chick'll|let you stick your cock in her.
I never wondered that.
Yeah, 'cause you've accepted|the fact
that you'll never get a chick|a long time ago.
I could get a chick if I wanted.
(laughs):|Who are you kidding?
You can't get a chick, you mook.
You're too weird and sad.
I turn down chicks|left and right.
Your chicks "are"|your "left" and "right."
Yeah, right.|What do you know?
Uh, I know|you're a huge fuckin' nerd
of Potsie-like proportions,|and no chicks dig nerds,
especially nerds that are|into "Lord of the Rings."
(laughs quietly)
Chicks dig "Lord of the Rings,"|Randal.
Yeah. The kind of chicks
that are into swords|and elves and shit,
and I wouldn't fuck them|with the Torch of Gondor.
Oh, you're so gross!
(door moos electronically)
Hey, man.
Welcome to Mooby's.|May I take your order?
Yeah, um...
let's see.
Give me one Udderly|Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,
Skinny Calf and an order|of onion rings. Thanks.
(register beeping)
"One ring to rule them all."
(register beeping)
"One ring to find them."
Oh, Jesus.
"One ring to bring them all."
"And in the darkness bind them."
Yes! Dude!
How many times?
Well, um, three|for "Fellowship,"
two for "Towers,"
four for "Return."
Five for "Return."
Dude!
All right, look,
there's only one "Return, okay,"
and it ain't of the king...|it's of the Jedi.
Oh, "Star Wars" geek.
Oh, I'm the geek?
Look at you two,|whipping out your preciouses.
You'll have to excuse him.
He's not "down"|with the trilogy.
Oh, what the fuck happened|to this world?
There's only one trilogy,
you fucking morons.
You know what?
Maybe we should start|calling your friend Padme,
because he loves|Mannequin Skywalker
so much, right?
(robotic monotone):|"Danger, danger.
"My name is Anakin.
My shitty acting|is ruining saga."
"(chuckles):" Yeah.|Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Oh, I'm crazy?
Those fucking hobbit movies|were boring as hell.
All it was|was a bunch of people walking.
Three movies of people walking|to a fuckin' volcano.
Here's the first movie.
And here's the second movie.
He is way off. Loser.
You ready for the third movie?
(sighs)
Fuckin' A.
Even the fuckin' trees walked|in those movies.
You know what?
I've had enough of you.
Your simplistic analysis|of the trilogy aside,
The Lord of the Rings|was a massive achievement that
even the Academy recognized
when they gave Peter Jackson|the Best Directing Oscar...
an award your little friend|George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never
and will never win.
Bones.
Oh, sick burn.
Let me tell you something.
If Peter Jackson|really wanted to blow me away
with those "Rings" movies,|he would've ended the third one
on the logical closure point,
not the 25 endings|that followed.
What's the logical|closure point?
Yeah, friend,
enlighten us.
When fucking Frito wakes up from|his little coma or whatever,
and the little hobbits are|jumping up and down on his bed,
and Sam leans in the doorway
and gives him|that very fuckin' gay look.
ELIAS:|Not the "Rings, Randal."
Say what you will about Jesus,
but leave the "Rings" out of this.
I am gonna kick your ass|back to the Shire
if you don't|shut your fuckin' mouth.
That look was so gay,|I thought Sam was gonna tell
the little hobbits|to take a walk
so he could saunter|over to Frodo
and suck his fuckin' cock.
Now, "that" would've been|an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hey, faggot, they're not gay.|They're hobbits.
And then right after|the Sam-Frodo suckfest,
right before the credits roll,
Sam fucking flat-out bricks|in Frodo's mouth.
I swear...
Fuck you!
"(laughs):" I made fun of|"Lord of the Rings" so hard,
it made some super-geek puke|all over the counter.
Where do we keep|the mop and bucket
so I can have|Elias clean it up?
In the closet with the rest|of the cleaning products.
We have cleaning products?
over radio)
Why does it smell so weird|in here?
Buh-bye.
I'm on to you.
You know he's not|gonna make it here long
once you're not here to protect|him anymore, don't you?
Well, you're the one out|there encouraging him,
advocating ass to mouth.
I wasn't advocating it,|you big prude.
I just said it was fine|once in a while.
Like you wouldn't do it|if Emma told you to.
(scoffs):|Christ, no!
Oh, I thought love|knew no bounds.
Ew. That came off|kind of catty, didn't it?
A little daytime soapish, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
I actually kind of like Emma.
So do I.
So that's why|you're getting married!
I can't wait until|you get engaged,
so I can bust your balls as|hard as you've busted mine.
You're going to be waiting|a long time, sir.
Oh, that's right.|I forgot.
You're the cold-hearted|ice princess
that doesn't believe|in marriage.
I'm not saying that|it's not all right for you,
but, yes, I do think
that marriage goes|against our primal nature.
To be loved?
To fuck as much as possible...
spread the seed around|and keep the species going.
And all that shit|they feed us in the movies
and greeting cards|is just propaganda
to get us to marry, have kids|and keep the economy going.
Marriage is just|the keystone to economics.
You're such a sappy girl.
- Mm.|- Are you trying to tell me
you don't believe in love,|Beckalah?
In romantic love,
no.
Like, I love my parents.
I love my car.|I love you.
But romantic love,|hearts and flowers,
"There's only one person|out there for me"?
Come on, you know how many|people there are out there?
Odds are there's always going
to be someone who's|a better match for you
than the person|you end up marrying.
So based on your theory,
there's someone out there|better for me than Emma.
Oh, no,|I'm not touching that one.
Wait a second.
You don't think|I really love her?
(sighs):|I think...
you love what she represents.
Which is?
Come on, Dante, she was|the girl who wouldn't give you
the time of day|back in high school.
And years later,|after she's played the field
and realized how unsatisfying|the so-called "hotties" are,
she's finally gone|with someone who looks...
Oh, my God,
you're gonna say|"fugly," aren't you?
Unconventional!
Ah, nice backpedal.
(laughs)
It took her a few years
to finally figure out|that thing
that every mother tries|to teach their little girl
but she has to learn on her own,
and that's that guys|that look like you
have a lot more to offer,|because you'll always
try harder than the pretty boy.
What am I, some hideous|fucking CHUD over here?
(laughs):|No, you're a catch... kind of.
And Emma's a catch, too.
'Cause not only|is she pretty, but...
she'll make all your decisions|for you.
Which is lucky,|because you're pretty terrible
at making decisions.
So my last day|is all about you telling me
what an ugly,|indecisive loser I am?
(laughs)
Come on, you worked|at Quick Stop
for, like, a decade,
and you've been here|for a year almost,
and since day one at both jobs,
all you've ever said|is how you needed
to get out|and start your life.
And it wasn't until Emma walked|through the door and was,
like, "Come down|to Florida with me,
"and I'll fuck your brains out,
and my daddy will give you|a job, and blah-blah,"
that you actually went|and did something about it.
And I get it... it's...
she's your golden ticket, dude.
So, uh...
...what's that make you?
I'm just the girl who fucks|ugly, indecisive losers
in the kitchen|once this place is closed.
(whispers):|That's me.
(laughing)
DJ:|That's something for|the lovers out there.
J-RAM Radio.|Right around high noon...
So, we're never gonna talk|about it, are we?
What is there to say?
Do you regret it?
Do you?
I regret that it was|on the prep station table.
Yeah, you regret it...|you weren't the one
who got mayo in your cooch.
(both laughing)
What do you want me to say?
We were drunk, you know?
It just kind of happened.
You're just lucky
I'm not one of those monogamists|like your girlfriend.
Otherwise, I might try|to make you stay in Jersey.
If anyone could do it,|it'd be you.
Dude, your old lady's out here|looking for you.
(door creaks)
(whispers):|Yeah.
Come outside with me.|I've got a surprise for you.
That's my surprise?
No.
# Goodbye, horses... #
Hey.
Oh.
So, um...
are you looking for|a good Transformers site?
Because at CarsToBots. Com,
you can get an avatar
that's your picture|morphed to look like a robot.
Come on, man.
You know I only surf|Transformers sites
when there's girls around,|so they can see how cool I am.
So what are you doing then?
Trying to secure a going away|present for Mr. Dante.
Really?
Well, how about|an Arwen sword replica?
What?
Uh...
'Cause it's, like,|thoughtful and practical.
I was thinking of something|a little more sexy.
Well, what's sexier than|an elf princess's sword?
A donkey show.
What's that?
You ever see a chick|give a mule a blow job?
(screeching):|Oh, no!
Shh!
Jesus!
If you spoil this,|I'm gonna brain you.
You gonna keep your mouth shut?
(muffled):|Yes.
God.
That's bestiality, Randal.
At its finest, I hope.
Who'd want to see|something like that?
Me, Dante, you.
I don't want to see|something like that.
Why would you want to see|something like that?
Because it's fucked up.
And I want to see
if a chick with a mouthful|of donkey spunk swallows.
All right, here we go.
"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.
"Straight from|their dirty debut in Tijuana,
"Kelly's taking it on the road.
Taking it in the ass, that is."
You got to give it up for Oscar|Wilde-like wordplay that good.
Do they show pictures?
Only one of Kinky Kelly|sucking off Optimus Prime.
Really?
Ow.
Let me borrow your cell phone.
Whoa.
Well, 'cause, I'm only|supposed to use it
to call my parents|in case of an emergency.
This is an emergency.
We got to lock up|Kinky Kelly for tonight,
so we can give Mr. Dante|a memorable send-off.
You love Mr. Dante, don't you?
In a non-gay way.
Then give me your phone.
'Cause Mr. Dante's never|seen a donkey show.
And it'd be nice to give|him this before he goes off
to Florida and gets married and|does all those other things
that prevent a guy|from ever seeing
a fucked-up donkey|show in his lifetime.
Hello.
Uh, I was hoping to schedule|Kinky Kelly for a performance.
Tonight.
Okay.
I'm on hold.
Fingers crossed.
We should probably|cross dicks, too.
No.
BECKY:|Work, work, work.
That's all you ever|think about, Hicks.
Hey, Becks.
Hey, Emma.
Great shirt.
Isn't it?|I love it.
What I love even more are these.
These came in early,
and I just had to come back|and show Dante.
And give you yours, of course.
And I have one|for Randal, I guess.
What is it?
Look, I know it's|three months away,
but it would mean so much to us|if you could make the trip down.
Well... yeah.
Uh, I wouldn't miss it.
I thought we were waiting|till we got down there
before we picked a date.
Oh, him is so cute.
Him thinking again, huh?
If we left anything|up to these jackals,
nothing would ever|get done, would it?
I'm just teasing.
Guess you got to make their|decisions for 'em sometimes.
All right, I've got it.
I will see you then.
Thank you.
My friend, tonight,
we bring a bit of TJ|to the Jersey 'burbs.
(door moos electronically)
Well, I don't know|about this, Randal.
I mean, how do we know|this isn't a hoax?
Like, were there any|pictures on the Web site?
Strangely, no.
But if you've seen pics of|one chick sucking off a donkey,
you've seen them all.
Well, what if you|haven't ever seen pics
of anything like that?
Well, then you must be|as blind as Anne Frank.
'Cause what's the point in|having an Internet connection
if you're not using it to look|at weird, fucked-up pictures
of dirty sex|you'll never have yourself?
Ho-ly shit.
You know, I've never pieced|this together until right now.
You're a virgin, aren't you?
You know I have|a girlfriend, Randal.
Oh, yeah.
What's her name again?
Myra Hodgkiss.
You made her up, didn't you?
That name sounds so made-up.
No.
Seriously, Elias, have you|and Myra had sex yet?
Well, that's just|kind of personal, Randal.
Come on!
I tell you about|my sex life all the time.
I let you smell my fingers
after I fucked|Taton Weathers' kid sister
in the office|that one time, didn't I?
You kind of made me|smell your fingers.
Maybe you just|don't like the pussy.
Maybe you're all about the cock.
No, no, I like the pussy.
So come on.
Did Myra ever give you a crack|at her crack or what?
Well, not that it's any|of your business, Randal,
but she can't.
Why?
Jesus, Elias, come on.
You got to start|trusting me more.
Because once Dante's gone,
you're gonna be|my new best friend.
No, I'm not.
Who the fuck else|am I gonna hang out with?
It's gonna be you and me, buddy.
So come on.
You got to start|trusting me more.
Open up and tell me shit.
Like why haven't you|fucked Myra yet?
(sighs)
Well, we can't|because of Pillow Pants.
What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Pillow Pants is a little troll|who lives in her pussy.
Pillow Pants is her pussy troll.
Duh.
You know|how every girl's parents
put a pussy troll in them|when the girls are young
to keep them from having|premarital sex?
Sure.
Well, Myra's is named|Pillow Pants.
And so, even though she totally|wants to have sex with me,
Myra says if I put|my thing in her,
Pillow Pants will bite it off.
So I got to wait|until Pillow Pants
gets peed out of her body|on her 21st birthday
before we can have sex.
And Myra told you this?
Boyfriends and girlfriends
talk to each other|about sex stuff, Randal.
You'd know this|if you ever had a girlfriend.
Have you and Myra|even kissed yet?
We would have already,|if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll,|isn't it?
Women.
I'll be right back.
You are never gonna believe|what Elias just told me.
Look who it is, Randal.
Randal Graves.
You work here, too?
Jesus. Anyone else from|our graduating class back there?
RANDAL:|Well, well, well...
Pickle Fucker.
Man, look at you two|fun-ployees.
Nothing's changed.
You know, I'll bet|dollars to donuts,
when you two aren't fighting
about who shot first,|Han or Greedo,
you can still muster up|enough energy
to make fun of other people.
Yeah. So hurry up and order|and get out of here,
so we can make fun of you.
Oh, I don't know|if you're in a position
to make fun of anyone|anymore, Graves.
Before that, I'd heard|it was the Quick Stop
for, what, like, ten years?
We can't all be|Internet millionaires.
Who's an Internet millionaire?
Elias, this is Lance Dowds.
We went to high school together.
A few years ago,
he built a search engine which|compiles the lowest prices
of merchandise|you can buy online.
You might have heard of it...|MadDucketts. Com.
Didn't that just sell to Amazon|for, like, 20 million bucks?
RANDAL:|Yeah, but back before
he was the Mad Ducketts guy,|he was just Pickle Fucker.
You see, freshman year,
the seniors would hunt us|down and put us through
what they called initiations.
They'd stuff us into lockers
or throw us in the girls'|shower room naked.
But Lance here|got the worst of it.
The seniors yanked|down his pants,
and shoved a pickle up his ass,
and made him walk ten feet.
The pickle fell out|before he hit the ten-foot mark.
He had to take a bite of it,|reinsert it and walk again.
Ew...
Yeah, but don't worry...|he made it.
His pickle was small enough|to stay wedged
after only four bites.
I'll bet you're the only guy|in the world
who still remembers that,|Graves.
Oh, I bet you still remember it|pretty vividly...
Pickle Fucker.
ELIAS:|Do you have any interest
in building|the ultimate fan site
for both "The Lord of the Rings"|and "The Transformers?"
Because I'd moderate it|for free.
Ease up, Pillow Pants.
The dude's not into|your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't insult the guy.
The GoBots are like|the Kmart of Transformers.
Thank you!
I keep telling them that.
Here, here's my e-mail address.
Drop me a line|with some of your ideas.
Cool.
LANCE:|Okay, let's see.
What do I want?
Uh... how about a Skinny Calf|with cheese and a Diet Coke?
I'll get your order.
Here you go.
Well, that was fast.
And fresh.
Thanks. Come again.
Yo, let's wrap this up|so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
You know what?
Take mine.
Something tells me|I'm not gonna like it, am I?
Wow, thanks, Pickle Fucker.
Yo, so Pickle Fucker|gave us free eats!
You know,|I don't eat fast food.
It's not good for you.
But when I heard you guys|were actually working here,
well, I just had|to see it for myself.
It's kind of nice|having that kind of free time.
Just like it's|kind of comforting to know
that some things never change.
Take care, clerks.
(imitates gunshots)
Ooh, sick burn.
(chuckles)
(door moos electronically)
Fuck this.
Let me borrow your car.
You're supposed to be working.
I got to get out of here|for a few minutes.
Let me borrow your car.
Elias, tell Becky|we'll be right back.
(door moos electronically)
in distance)
Where we going?
You know, this tastes like|piss and flies, don't it?
Sure you want to do this?
RANDAL:|Oh, yeah.
This will make me feel better.
# Raindrops keep falling|on my head #
# And just like the guy who's|feet are too big for his bed #
# Nothing seems to fit,|those #
# Raindrops|are falling on my head #
# They keep falling #
# But there's one thing I know #
# The blues|they send to meet me #
# Won't defeat me #
# It won't be long #
# Till happiness|steps up to greet me #
# Raindrops keep falling|on my head #
# But that doesn't mean my eyes|will soon be turning red #
# Crying's not for me,|'cause #
# I'm never gonna stop|the rain by complaining #
# Because I'm free #
# Nothing's worrying... #
# Me. #
DANTE:|Here's what I don't|understand about you.
You have a license, you|can drive a grown-up car.
But when you ride the go-carts,
you somehow feel|better about yourself.
Look, it just centers me,|all right?
Kind of the way jerking off|at work centers you.
I only did it that one time.
And it wasn't to center me.
Yeah, it was to come.
Well, I don't know about you,|but coming centers me.
Then why did we|have to leave work,
so we can ride the go-carts|to clear your head?
Well, I don't want to jerk off|in the Mooby's bathroom.
What if a customer comes in
and my jerking off gets him|all sex nuts and retard strong?
Suddenly, I'm fighting him off
as he tries to jam|my dick in his mouth.
The most likeliest of scenarios.
(scoffs)
Man, that shit Lance said|must have really bothered you.
Oh, fuck him.
He's an asshole.|He always was.
I'm sorry I let him bug me|even for a second.
At least I got a go-cart trip|out of it.
Why do the go-carts help?
I don't know.
They just remind me|of a better time in my life.
Like when?
Like when we were young and the|world was still in front of us.
We're not that old.
Yeah.
But sometimes I get the feeling
the world kind of left us behind|a long time ago.
You know...
you can do something about that.
I told you, I don't want to jerk|off in the bathroom at work.
No, I mean you can|get out of Mooby's, too,
completely change|your situation in life.
What'd be the point? Besides,|why do you give a shit?
You're leaving.
(door moos electronically)
Thanks, you guys, thanks.
Come on!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a number two|you wanted?
Yeah, and bovine-size it.
$13.84.
I need two Surlies|and a Cow Tipper.
I'm on it.
How we set for fries?
I don't think|these look right.
Jesus! Step away from the fryer|before you burn us all alive.
It's not my fault|you abandoned your post!
RANDAL:|Was it too much to ask|that you handle the fries?
The machine does all the work.
What's a machine|got to transform
into some giant fucking robot|before you'll take it seriously?
Go home.
Will you just make|some fries already?
Look, I don't have all night.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
They need to get|some Mexicans working in here.
(imitates laser)
They don't play around.
I know it.|Mexican made me lose my job.
That motherfucker|put a roof up in 30 seconds.
Where the fuck did you guys go?
You don't want to know.
Well, I know it's|your last day and all,
but while you're|still on the clock,
can't you kind of pretend|like you still give a shit?
RANDAL:|Don't blame this guy.
Some cock stain that we went|to high school with
showed up to remind us|that we're fucking failures,
so I wanted to get out of here
and blow off some steam,|if you must know.
Did he say "cock stain"?
What the fuck is cock stain?
I don't know... that's|some white freaky stuff.
White boys get the white women|to do everything.
You want to do a cock stain?
Do you know how often|I've had people come in here
that I went to school with?
Fuck, I had to take|a fucking order off of a guy
I blew after junior prom once.
Yeah, I've waited on|your brother, too... h'noop!
I can't believe you.
The smartest of smart asses|got rattled
by some fucking loser|coming in here
giving you shit|about your McJob.
Oh, fuck him, okay?
Sooner or later,|I'll do something with myself
and make my mark.
But until then, whatever I do|is not a waste of time,
it's all building|toward something.
How about you build towards|making some fuckin' fries?
They're coming!
Remember, you saved.
You don't use|that kind of language.
Ain't nobody|from my church in here.
I don't mind people snickering
at the stupid uniform|I've got to wear.
But I'll be damned|if I'm gonna let
some self-righteous,|lucky turd come in here
and treat me and Dante
like we're a couple|of fucking porch monkeys.
DANTE:|Randal!
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He...
He didn't really just say|what I think he said.
- What? Porch monkeys?|- Randal!
What the fuck|is wrong with you?!
I want my money back right now.
Of course.|Um, you know what?
Here, take this on us.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not eating something that
was cooked by some|cracker-ass hate-monger.
I will.
Baby, you can't taste racism.
What racism? Porch monkeys?!
- You little mother...|- Calm down, champ.
It ain't worth it.
You're lucky my husband doesn't
jump across this counter|and knock your teeth in.
- Why?|- Yeah, baby, why?
I mean, ain't like|he called us porch monkeys.
Hey, hey!
Baby, stop hitting on me!
See, the judge told you|about that.
You got to stop|putting your hands on people.
Here, take this.|This is your money.
Please, take the food on us.
- We're sorry.|- Oh, uh-uh.
I'm gonna write|to the paper about this,
and all y'all getting|fired up in here.
Jesus!
I'm gonna take the food.
Thank you very much.
Damn!
Fuckin' porch monkey...
Thanks. Come again.
Don't leave me, baby!
Are you out of|your fucking mind?!
What?! What's the big deal?
Since when is it a crime|to say "porch monkey"?
Oh, I don't know...|since forever!
- Why?|- Because "porch monkey"
is a racial slur|against black people.
No, it's not. "Nigger" is.
Randal!
Did Randal just call|Mr. Dante a nigger?
Shut up, Elias!
I didn't just call|Dante a nigger.
I just said that "nigger"|is a racial slur.
So is "porch monkey"!
Oh, it is not.
Coon, spook, spade,|moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...
"those" are racial slurs.
"Porch monkey" is not.
I am going to pretend|like this conversation
didn't happen.
Elias, go pick up|that fucking mess,
and you are this close|to getting shit-canned!
(scoffs)
Fuckin' shoot me now.
(grunts angrily)
What are you doing?!
Are you trying to get fired?
Since when did "porch monkey"|suddenly become a racial slur?
When ignorant racists started|saying it 100 years ago.
Oh, bullshit.
My grandmother used to call me|a porch monkey all the time
when I was a kid,|because I'd sit on the porch
and stare at my neighbors.
DANTE:|Despite the fact
that your grandmother|might have used it
as a term|of endearment for you,
it's still a racial slur.
It'd be like your grandmother|calling you a little kike.
Oh, it is not.
Plus, my grandmother had
nothing but the utmost respect|for the Jewish community.
When I was a kid,|she told me to always treat
the Jewish kids well, or they'd|put the sheeny curse on me.
What the fuck, man?!
What?!
"Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!
Oh, it is not.
Yes, it is!
Well, she never called|any Jews sheeny.
She just used to say|"sheeny curse" a lot.
(chuckling):|It was cute.
It wasn't cute! It was racist!
I disagree, man.
She was just an old-timer.
That's the way people talked|back then.
Didn't mean they were racists.
But my grandmother did refer|to a broken beer bottle once
as a nigger knife.
You know, come to think of it,
my grandmother was|kind of a racist.
You think?!
Well, l-I still don't think
"porch monkey" should be|considered a racial term.
I mean, I've always used it|to describe lazy people,
not lazy black people.
I think if we really tried,
we could reclaim "porch monkey"|and save it.
DANTE:|It can't be saved, Randal.
The sole purpose|for its creation,
the only reason it exists|in the first place,
is to disparage an entire race.
And even if it could be saved,
you can't save it,|because you're not black!
Well, listen to you.
Telling me I can't do something|because of the color of my skin?
You're the racist.
(grunts)
I'm taking it back. You watch.
(door moos electronically)
(chuckling):|Hey.
What can I get for you,|you little porch monkey?
It's cool.|I'm taking it back.
(sighs)
(sighs)
(sighs)
# #
# #
Hey.
Hey.
So, are you scared|about getting married at all?
Um...
were we in the middle|of a conversation
I don't remember leaving?
I was just thinking about it,|and I was thinking
that maybe you were waiting|for some friend
to try and stop you
from going through|with the wedding
by asking if you're even ready|to go and get married.
So I'm asking.
Are you scared|about getting married?
Well, kind of.
I mean, I'm not scared|of getting married, you know...
l-I always wanted|to get married one day...
but I am scared|of the wedding.
Why?
I don't know how to dance.
You're kidding.
I wish I was.
You're about to tie|your life to someone,
someone who doesn't|even really get you
as well as your friends do,
and what you're sweating|is dancing at your reception?
Well, l-I figure|she'll eventually get me.
I mean, you're married|to someone long enough,
they got to get you|eventually, right?
Are you kidding?
My parents have been married|for 35 years,
and they still don't get|each other.
Emma's pretty,|smart, happy, a good person...
and for some strange reason,|she loves me.
I mean, what am|I supposed to do,
pass up on that because I have
a few stupid doubts|and some jitters?
Besides, dancing|at the reception's
the more imperative concern|at this point,
because I only get,
well, presumably, one chance|to dance at my wedding.
(sighs)
So, what, you can't slow dance?
No. Anybody can slow dance,
but this is one of the only|times I've ever gonna meet
most of Emma's extended family,
and I'd like to be able|to show some flair
on the dance floor, you know?
Like, make an impression|so that maybe they'll see
whatever it is|that Emma sees in me
instead of all feeling like|I'm some burger-peddling loser
who couldn't even bust a move.
What?
(laughs):|You're serious?
Come on.
Hey, 12-step!
Jay!
Lord?
Up here, jackass.
What the fuck are you doing|up there?!
Yo, if you're gonna jump,
let me get a crack|at that pussy first.
Let me find out.
You still got your boom box?
Play something,|and turn it way up.
Something danceable.
Up here?
Are you serious?
You're gonna teach me|to dance up here?
What? You want I should do it|in front of all the customers?
What customers?
Shut up.|Come over here.
Okay, get ready for the music.
You feel it... here.
Here it comes.
# Grandma, what was it like #
# To be on the holiday site? #
Something a little|less demonic, please!
# But with them by my side|in the twilight... #
Thank you.
playing)
Yes! Okay, okay, um,|just-just follow
whatever it is I'm doing, okay?
- Step forward...|- All right.
- # You went to school... #|- Step back.
To your right.
# Things you never,|never knew before... #
To your left.
Turn to the right.
# Like "l" before "E"|except after "C" #
# And why two plus two|makes four #
# Now, now, now,|I'm gonna teach you #
# Teach you, teach you #
# All about love, girl #
# All about love #
# Sit yourself down... #
Okay, you really do suck.|Sit down.
Told you.
Just watch me, all right?
# A, B, C #
# Easy as one, two, three #
# As simple as do, re, mi #
# A, B, C, one, two, three #
# Baby, you and me, girl #
# A, B, C #
# Easy as one, two, three #
# As simple as do, re, mi #
# A, B, C, one, two, three #
# Baby, you and me, girl #
# Come on and love me|just a little bit #
# I'm gonna teach you|how to sing it out #
# Come on, come on, come on #
# Let me show you|what it's all about #
# Reading, writing, arithmetic #
# Are the branches|of the learning tree #
# But without the roots|of love every day, girl #
# Your education|ain't complete #
# Tea-Tea-Tea-Teacher's|gonna show you #
# She's gonna show you #
# How to get an "A" #
# Na-na-na-na-na-na #
# How to spell "me," "you,"|add the two #
# Listen to me, baby,|that's all you got to do #
# Oh, A, B, C #
# It's easy as one, two, three #
# As simple as do, re, mi #
# A, B, C, one, two, three #
# Baby, you and me, girl #
# A, B, C, it's easy #
# It's like counting|up to three #
# Singing simple melodies #
# That's how easy love can be #
# That's how easy|love can be #
# Singing simple melodies #
# One, two, three, you and me! #
# Yeah! #
- "(Silent Bob mouthing)"|- # Sit down, girl #
# I think I love you #
# No, get up, girl #
# Show me what you can do #
# Shake it, shake it, baby #
# Come on, now #
# Shake it, shake it, baby #
# Ooh, ooh, shake it,|shake it, baby, yeah #
# One, two, three, baby #
# Ooh, ooh, A, B, C, baby #
# Na, na, do, re, mi, baby #
# Now that's how easy|love can be #
- GROUP: # Whoo! #|- # A, B, C, it's easy #
# It's like counting|up to three #
# Singing simple melodies #
# That's how easy love can be #
# Teacher's gonna teach you|how to sing it out #
# Come on, come on, come on #
# Let me show you|what it's all about #
# A, B, C, it's easy #
# It's like counting|up to three... #
I love you, Becky.
# Singing simple melodies... #
I'm pregnant, Dante.
# That's how easy... #
(gasps, grunts)
Oh!
(door creaking)
(door bangs shut)
I'm having second thoughts.
About your sexuality?
About going to Florida.
Yeah, right.
Why now, all of a sudden?
Becky's pregnant.
She is?
Huh.
So, what, are you afraid you're|gonna miss the baby shower?
I'm the father.
This sucks, man.
I have pelvic piss syndrome|like a motherfucker,
so be really fucking quiet.
Ew, dude, don't try|looking at my dick.
- JAY: What the fuck?|- RANDAL: What?
Should we have|left that guy in there?
Oh, fuck him! How the fuck|did you father a child
with a chick|that's not your fiance?!
Holy shit!
She got pregnant|off the toilet seat
you jerked off onto!
I fucking knew it!
No, we had sex one night|after work, a few weeks ago.
What?! Where?!
Here, on the prep station table.
Ew! That's my prep table.
I don't know what to do.
What did Beck say?
She says she wants to have it.
Oh, my God, so she wants|you to break it off
- with Emma and marry her?|- No.
She's gonna tell Emma?
No!
Wait a second...|then what's the problem?
- Are you that dense?|- I'm serious.
If Becks isn't busting|your balls about it,
what's the big deal?
You could still|go down to Florida
and live happily ever after.
Knowing I have a love child|up in Jersey?!
How the fuck do you always have,
like, two good-Iooking|girls who want you?
You're the most|hideous fucking CHUD
I've ever met,|and you always have
a pair of girls|fighting over you.
Listen, you can never tell|anybody about this.
Who am I gonna tell?
I'm serious, Randal!|And not just for me.
Becky says she doesn't want|anybody to know.
Then what'd you tell me for?
Look, you've fucked me over|in the past,
but this is huge.
This is serious!
Promise me that you'll|keep your mouth shut,
because if you fuck me over|this time,
I swear to God, I will beat|the shit out of you.
(laughs):|You and what army?
I'm serious!
I'm serious, too.|You and what army?
Promise me!
All right!|Get off of me, you nut!
JAY:|What the fuck?!
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Oh, yeah, sure.|Uh, we were just...
May your first child|be a masculine child.
(huffs)
Becky!
Randal!
She was sweating me.|It just came out.
Ow! Shit!
You swung at me!
- You ducked!|- Because you swung at me!
Damn it!
Where's Becky?
She just left.
I need help here, Mr. Dante.
I can't wrap good,|and Randal ate the last pickles.
You fucking snitch.
I'm sorry, Randal.|I'm sorry.
Becky!
Maybe she went to get|a home pregnancy test
just to be sure.
How the fuck|could this day get any worse?
Well, what the fuck|are you doing, man?!
Follow her!
You-you think?
You're darn right, I do.
You two have got|to work this out.
Follow her, talk|to her for an hour,
then come back here.
An hour?!
L-I've found that any|more time than that,
you run the risk of saying|the wrong thing again.
Follow her,|talk to her for an hour,
then come back here|and help me close up.
You can't close up by yourself?
Fucking A, man,|you're about to become a father!
Time to start acting|responsibly!
Be back here in an hour.|Go!
(engine starts)
(tires screech)
Hello.
I assume|you're with Kinky Kelly.
Good guess. You Randal?
I am.
How long is it gonna take you|to set up?
Got to hook up the boom box,
hang a few curtains|and some lights.
I've got a small smoke machine|for ambiance. Yeah.
Well, you might as|well start setting up.
We got about an hour
before the guest of honor|gets back.
So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly|before the show or what?
Nah.
Kelly likes privacy|before show time.
But after the show, if you want,
for an extra $500,|you can fuck Kelly.
Really? Sweet.
Yeah. So, where|we doing this thing?
Oh, right inside the restaurant.
You're kidding.
Not spacious enough?
No, it's plenty spacious.
Just kind of weird, isn't it?
Kind of weird?
You're in the bestiality|business, dude.
Hey, fucko...
...we like to call it
inter-species erotica.
Intriguing.
playing)
# Shakedown 1979 #
# Cool kids never have|the time #
# On a live wire|right up off the street #
# You and I should meet #
# Junebug skipping|like a stone #
# Headlights pointed|at the dawn #
# We were sure we'd never see|an end to it all #
# And I don't even care #
# To shake these zipper blues #
# And we don't know #
# Just where our bones|will rest #
# To dust, I guess #
# Lamented and assured #
# To the lights #
# And towns below #
# Faster than #
# The speed of sound #
# Faster than #
# We thought we'd go #
# Beneath the sound #
# Of hope #
# The street heats|the urgency of now #
# As you see,|there's no one around. #
Oh, no.
Not again.
(speed-dial beeping)
Yeah, I have a fire|at the Mooby's
on Memorial Parkway|and Leonardo.
Dante coughs)
(hissing)
rhythmic melody playing)
What?
(funky riff kicks in)
What the fuck is going on?
It's your going-away party.
Whoo! Whoo!
We's all gonna get drunk|and get laid!
Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?
Isn't it awesome?
My man smoked two blunts|full of skunk.
Fuck Pillow Pants!
Honk if you love|a tight pussy...
Yo, we love pussy.
Tonight, before|you leave me forever,
we are gonna peep something|we've been talking about
since we saw "Bachelor Party"
at your parents' house|on Beta, when we were 12.
What the fuck are|you talking about?
I'm gonna miss you, man.
I'm gonna miss you, too,|but this is a little much.
Yeah? Just wait.
(chuckling)
Show time!
(laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen...
and you, Elias,
straight from the debauchery
capital of the world,|Tijuana, Mexico...
Oh, God, no.
Oh, God, yes.
Get ready for some|hard-core bestiality.
DRIVER:|Inter-species erotica, fucko!
(laughs)
Inter-species erotica|at its finest,
straight from TJ,
I give you Kinky Kelly|and the Sexy Stud!
# Maybe #
- # Just maybe... #|- Whoo!
# Naughty girls|need love, too... #
Don't worry.|Chick's coming.
# I've been told|time and time again #
# That you can't treat love|like a game... #
Any second,|the chick's coming.
# But I play rough|with hearts that never mend #
# 'Cause some guys like you|do the same #
# Love was|just a four-letter word #
# Never heard, how absurd... #
Any minute now.
# How could it be? #
# But now I can't believe|this is real #
# How I feel, now you steal #
# My heart away from me #
# Used to be so good|and so bad #
# Sex was something|I just had... #
Wow, that guy's being awfully|forward with that donkey.
Uh, Randal?!
Where the fuck's the chick?
# Baby, don't let me|be misunderstood #
# "Temporary love's so bad..." #
Yo, Freddie fucking Mercury,|where's Kelly?
# Then along came you... #
Right here.
# Now I know it's true... #
I thought that's the sexy stud.
"I'm" the sexy stud.
# "Then came you..." #
But this donkey's a dude.
Kelly can be|a guy's name, too. Hey!
# Yes, it's true #
# I'm in love with you #
# And believe it, baby #
# This time,|your love won't get away... #
(groans)
Due to some|nomenclature confusion,
there's not gonna be any chick.
Well, who the fuck's|gonna blow the donkey?
# Ooh, it's only you I adore #
# So much more|than my body was asking for... #
Oh!
# Yes, your love|is breaking my chill... #
I have a huge boner right now.
# In my heart... #
Oh, my God!
Becky!
Where did you go?
What the fuck is going on here?
Uh, inter-species erotica.
Are you okay?
I'm disgusted and repulsed|and...
and I can't look away.
# Baby, don't let me|be misunderstood... #
It's huge!
# "Temporary love's so bad..." #
- "(donkey brays)"|- # But it feels so good #
# Then along came you... #
We need to talk.
Did you see the size|of that cock...
I love you.
And-and I think|you love me, too.
Uh, of-of course.|I...
I mean, we're friends.
L-I think you love me|as more than a friend.
It's okay.|You can say it.
But l-I don't believe|in romantic love.
I think you do.
Do you really want|to do this right now?
# But it feels so good #
- "(sighs)"|- # Then along came you... #
Well, I guess the show's over.
I don't think so, sir.
# Naughty girls|need love... too... #
If he's gonna jerk off,
I'm gonna jerk off, too.
I don't think|he's gonna jerk off.
# So moving like you're 40 #
# This groove|is much too naughty #
# Can't you see? #
# I want you just for me #
- # Boys, make some noise... #|- "(brays)"
Yo, you guys|are gonna miss this shit!
The big guy's gonna cornhole|that ass... with his wiener!
Hold that thought.
# Freeze, freeze,|freeze, freeze... #
(moaning)
I hope that donkey doesn't have|a heinie troll.
# "Temporary love's so bad..." #
All right, I do.
Do what?
# Then along came you... #
I do love you.
# "Temporary, temporary..." #
What kind of sick|fuck gets turned on
watching a guy fuck a donkey?
# Naughty girls need love #
# Baby, baby #
(sobbing)
I'm sorry, Jesus.
(moaning)
# "Then along came you..." #
Dante?
What's going on?
Ooh, cake.
(moans)
Yo, I was outside taking a piss|when I heard the news.
Congrats!
You're having a baby, right?
No. Who said that?
Some asshole.
# "Temporary, temporary..." #
I'm sorry.
# Naughty girls need love... #
You fuck!
(thud, Dante groans)
Quick, hit that|two-timing fuck with this!
Hey, want to go out sometime?
Emma, I don't...|I don't know what to say.
Take him, you fucking whore.
across floor)
Emma!
(sirens blaring)
Oh, no.
# "Don't let me" #
# Baby #
# "Temporary love's so bad" #
# Temporary love's|so bad #
# "Then along came you..." #
Oh, shit, not again.|Got to finish.
(moans)
Yo, cops are outside,|we're holding,
and I'm still on probation.
- "(sighs)"|- # "Temporary, temporary..." #
What the fuck?
(brays)
Porch monkey?!
Oh, no, no, it's cool.
I'm taking it back.
(whooping)
I love pussy and beer!
Whoo-hoo!
(groans)
Deja fucking vu, right?
Jail cell design hasn't changed|much in centuries, has it?
Maybe it's time they brought in|the laser bars or something.
Or they can make
a hard plastic cage|like Magneto's in "X- Men 2."
No, come on, dude,
let's keep it in the real world,|all right?
But you know|what wouldn't be a bad idea?
Carbonite.
What do you think, Dante?
I think I'm gonna kill you!
Get off of me!
What up?! Steel cage match!
You ruined my life!
Your life was already ruined!
Jesus!
What were you thinking?
A fucking donkey show?!
It was your going-away present!
DANTE:|It sure was.
I just never thought|I'd be going away to prison.
SEXY STUD:|Hey, boys.
You can't be imprisoned
for watching|an inter-species sex act.
You guys'll walk.
The most I'll get'll be a fine|for animal abuse
and a lot of disgusted looks|from asswipe conservatives
who can't appreciate|sexual exploration.
Hey!
(chuckles)
(sighs)
I miss my donkey.
I can't believe you.
I finally get my shit together.
I'm hours|from getting out of here
and really starting my life,|and you somehow figure out a way
to obliterate all that|and reduce me to a convict.
Oh, yeah, it's my fault|your life's fucked up.
I'm the engaged guy|who knocked up my boss.
You knocked up the guy|who owns Mooby's? Ew.
(chuckling):|What?
Would you shut up?
(chuckling)
You're chaos incarnate, man.
Our whole lives,
you've been getting me into|trouble and holding me back.
Oh, I'm holding you back, right?
I remember, like, ten years ago,
the night we went|to Julie Dwyer's funeral,
you were all like, "I need|to shit or get off the pot."
You said, "Shit|or get off the pot," not me.
You got all fired up about|taking charge of your life,
and what'd you do?
You worked at the store|till the place burned down.
I took courses at Brookdale.
And dropped out.
Because you stopped going.
Because we were just killing|time with those classes.
One semester,
we took Criminology,|for Christ's sake.
What the fuck were we training|to be, Batman?
DANTE:|At least we were|doing something
instead of wasting our lives in|some fucking convenience store!
RANDAL:|You know what?
You can badmouth Quick Stop all|you want, but I miss that place.
I loved working there.
I look back on that period|as the best time in my life.
Now I know you're fuckin' nuts.
Why? Because I enjoyed|what I did?
I got to watch movies,
fuck with assholes,|and hang out with my best friend
all day.
Can you think of a better way|to make a living?
Yeah, maybe it's not|what everyone does,
but it was pretty fucking good.
(laughs)
Man, that's you all over.
Scrape by with the bare minimum.
Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.
I'm not in high school anymore.
Shit, I'm not|even in my twenties anymore.
I don't want to sit around|and rag on customers
while eating free food.
That's what you want to do.
That's what you've|always wanted to do.
Well, if that's all you want out|of life, man, then God bless,
but I refuse to let your shit|taint the rest of mine.
No. I'm gonna smooth|things over with Emma,
go to Florida
and start|my Randal Graves-free existence.
And try to forget these last|33 years ever happened.
So that's the way you see all|this time we've spent together?
That's weird, man.
I thought you were|the only guy in the world
who got me and had my back...
the only person|who'd take a bullet for me,
'cause I assumed|you felt about me
the same way I feel about you.
Then, all of a sudden, one day,|you're like, "I'm moving. Bye."
Do you know|what that's been like for me?
I'm looking at a future|that just sucks,
because you're|not gonna be in it anymore.
And you're not|even throwing me over
for a life|that means something to you.
It's just a stupid,|hollow existence
you think you should embrace
because you're getting old|or something,
because it's the kind of life|everyone else goes after.
You're a fucking drone, dude.
DANTE:|Fine.
Then the next friend|whose life you ruin
can be a totally free spirit.
How's that?
You think I want to start|making friends at my age?
Christ.
Who would want me|as their friend?
I hate everyone, and everything|seems stupid to me...
...but you were always|the counterbalance to that...
the guy who was the yin|to my yang.
But now what the fuck am I gonna|do for the rest of my life?
I mean, shit, I really wish
you would've told me this|when I first met you
that one day,|you were gonna bail
on our friendship,
because if I had known|you were just gonna flake on me
a few decades later...
I wouldn't have even bothered|with your ass
in the first place.
Jesus, why don't you two
just fuck and get it|over with already?
(muttering):|Faggots.
Why can't you ever say|something useful for a change?
Well, what the fuck|you waiting for?
That's your cue, man.
I got nothing.
Jesus fucking Christ,|what good are you,
you mute fuck?!
You know what?|That hurts.
Like, what do you ever add|to the fucking proceedings?
You got, like, one answer|for everything: "Pussy, man."
Oh, then, man, you must love|this fuckin' guy,
'cause he's the biggest pussy|I ever met.
The dude who lives his life
according|to everyone else's standards.
"I got to go to Florida
and get married, 'cause that's|what's expected of me."
And the fuckin' insane part is,|he ain't even that crazy
about the chick he's marrying|or Florida,
never mind the fact|that he's got
a perfectly good chick
right here in Jersey|who he's nuts about,
and even Anne fuckin' Frank|could see she's nuts about him.
God knows why.
And she likes you|for who you are, man.
She ain't trying|to stuff you into a box
you'll never fit into.
Not to mention the fact|that she's carrying
your hideous fucking CHUD|of a kid.
Jesus, if you had any sense|whatsoever,
you'd fuckin' stop trying
to bray it up|with the rest of the sheep
and live your life|the way it makes sense for you,
you fuckin' ass!
Oh, yeah?|And what's that?
You obviously have|such a great handle
on your life.
Tell me what you would do|if you were in my position...
or even what you'd do|in your own position?
Swing that judgmental pendulum|back the other way
and tell me how you'd solve|all your problems, asshole.
What the fuck would the|great Randal Graves do
if he were half the|master of his destiny
that I'm supposed to be?!
I'd buy the Quick Stop|and reopen it myself!
That's what I'd do.
That's what we should do.
Yeah, right.
Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?
Do you know|how much it would cost
to buy the Quick Stop?
Like, 50 grand, easy.
And neither one of us have|that type of money.
(sighs)
JAY:|We do.
That's right.
You guys would be willing|to lend us some of that money
so we can reopen the stores?
Sure, on two conditions.
One: We can hang out|in front of the store
anytime we want, and|you can't call the cops.
And two:
You have to blow each other,
and we get to watch.
Then you have|to go ass to mouth.
All right, just|the first condition.
Seriously?
Do I stutter?
Yeah, seriously.
What do you think?
(sighs)
I almost hate to say it, but...
it kind of makes sense.
Hey, maybe that's why we spent|so much time in that store,
why college
or anything else|never panned out for us.
I mean, think about it, man.
You and me running|our own business
instead of working|for some other asshole?
Could be|pretty fuckin' sweet, right?
Yeah, it really could.
But I don't know, man.
I was this close|to starting a new life.
Jesus.
You're actually gonna make me|do this, aren't you?
(sighs)
Can you guys cover your ears|for a minute, please?
You're my best friend...
and I love you.
In a totally heterosexual way.
Yeah, right.
Please, man, don't leave me.
Thanks.
That'll be $5.79.
# #
I mean, you already taught me|how to dance at a wedding.
I mean... l-I know you|don't believe in romantic love.
# I am the kindest soul|with whom you're connected #
# I have the bravest heart #
# That you've ever seen #
Is that a yes?
What took you so long?
#... I am sometimes #
# You see everything #
# You see every part #
# You see all my light #
"One ring to rule them all."
# You dig everything #
# Of which I'm ashamed #
# There's not anything|to which you can't relate #
# And you're still here #
# What I resist #
# Persists and speaks #
# Louder than #
# I know #
# What I resist #
# You love, no matter #
# How low #
# Or high I go... #
Come on!
# You see everything #
# You see every part #
# You see all my light #
# And you love my dark #
# You dig everything #
# Of which I'm ashamed #
# There's not anything|to which you can't relate #
# And you're still here #
# "You see everything" #
- # "You see every part" #|- # You're still here #
# "You see all my light" #
- # "And you love my dark" #|- # And you're still here #
# "You dig everything" #
# "Of which I'm ashamed" #
# "There's not anything"|"to which you can't relate" #
# And you're still here. #
# #
(song ends)
(traffic passing by)
("Goodbye Horses"playing)
Oh!
Thanks.|Okay.
Pack of cigarettes?
You know what?|What?
You're not even supposed|to be here today.
(chuckles)
(sighs):|Can you feel it?
Feel what?
Today is the first day|of the rest of our lives.
playing)
# They say misery #
# Loves company #
# We could start a company #
# And make misery #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Well, I know|just what you need #
# I might just have the thing #
# I know what you'd pay #
# To see #
# Put me out of my misery #
# I'd do it for you #
# Would you do it for me? #
# We will always be busy #
# Making misery #
# We could build a factory #
# And make misery #
# We'll create the cure #
# We made the disease #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Well, I know|just what you need #
# I might just have the thing #
# I know what you'd pay #
# To feel #
# Put me out of my misery #
# All you suicide kings|and you drama queens #
# Forever after happily #
# Making misery #
# #
# Did you satisfy your greed? #
# Get what you need? #
# Was it only envy? #
# So empty #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Frustrated,|Incorporated #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# "Put me out of my misery" #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# "I'd do it for you,"|"would you do it for me?" #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# "Ever after happily" #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# "Making misery" #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# "Put me out of my misery" #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# "I'd do it for you,"|"would you do it for me?" #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# "Put me out of my misery" #
# Frustrated, Incorporated. #
(song ends)
# #
# #
# #
# #
# #
SEXY STUD:|Oh, shit, got to finish!
Hey!
(dramatic music stinger)
Snooge to the nooge!
(choking):|Oh, my God!
(grunts)
(whistling)