Right, Orridge,
Popple! Potel!
...cannot but feel deeply humbled.
Five years ago, if I may be
personal for a moment...
a rather overawed headmaster
of a rather obscure, maintained
comprehensive school...
Stimpson.
Can you make 3:30 Monday
or 4:30 Tuesday?
No, 10:35 on Thursday
or 12:10 Friday.
Ah, can't do I'm afraid.
Or we could say 11:10 Friday week.
That's fine for me, whatever suits you.
Don't run!
Sharon Seeds...
...arrived at the annual meeting
for the first time,
amazed to find himself invited
to become one of your very select
handful of additional members.
Come in!
He listened to the headmasters of schools
with great and glorious names...
Come in... great and glorious names...
Headmaster...
Eton and Harrow, Winchester
and Westminster.
Am I taking 4H in G3
at 10:30?
...as they expatiated upon
a variety of weighty matters,
scarcely did our nervous new boy...
open his mouth.
Sorry. This is your thing
with all the posh schools?
Joan said that I'm taking 4H in G3
at 10:30.
I thought I was taking
Peter Styles is taking 4H in G3
at 10:30.
Right Ted, 2:15.
Slay 'em at the conference, Brian.
Tell all those upper-class ponces
we're gonna hang 'em from the lamp post
by their old school ties!
Right, thank you Ted!
Ah, you're taking 4G in H3
at 10:35.
Oh, God!
They should try having 4G
at Harrow!
Well, that obscure comprehensive school
was none other...
than Thomas Tompion.
And that overawed new boy
was none other than me.
Little did he dream,
within a few short years he would
be standing up here himself
as the very first comprehensive school
headmaster ever...
to become Chairman of
the Headmasters' Conference.
Clint...
Where do you think
you're going, Clint?
The Guinness Book of Records?
Every day this term so far,
isn't it Clint?
Well don't just stand there, Clint!
Run!
And come out from that doorway!
Not you... you!
Yes you, I can see the smoke you fool.
I can see your feet!
Oh, it's you!
Right, now I've got some sad
news for you all...
I'm going to be away today.
I knew you'd be heartbroken!
Right. Now where am I going?
To the University of Norwich
in the fair county of Norfolk.
And why am I going there?
Because that's where this
year's annual meeting
of the Headmasters' Conference
is being held,
and you can all feel rather
proud of yourselves.
Because they don't let just any old headmasters
into the Headmaster's Conference, far from it...
The Headmaster's Conference is
the organisation to which
all the great independent schools of this
country belong, places like Eton and Harrow,
Winchester and Westminster.
The fee-paying schools.
The 'posh' schools that we
all look down our noses at,
and that we'd all send our children to
if only we'd got the money.
They don't usually let in headmasters of
common old garden comprehensive schools,
of schools like this one.
So, why you ask, why did they
let me in?
Well, I'll tell you why.
They let me in
because you and I,
all of us together,
have made Thomas Tompion one of
the best schools in the country.
Right then. But today...
But today is
an extra special occasion,
because today
today I take over as Chairman,
Chairman of the Headmasters' Conference,
and I shall be the first chairman
in the whole of history,
in the whole of history
who is headmaster of an ordinary, common
old garden state comprehensive school.
So it really is one for the
Guinness Book of Records!
Right then! So what am I going to
tell them in my speech this afternoon?
I'm going to tell them how
we did it!
I'm going to tell them how we all decided
that we wanted a well-run,
orderly school...
a school where we all knew what we were
supposed to be doing, Jimmy Picken,
a school where we all knew which room
we were supposed to be doing it in.
I'm not looking at you, Wendy Pilbrow,
or you, Gary Bottoms.
...and what we were supposed to be doing
it with, Debbie Jones.
And above all,
Clint Ailing and Dean Schreiber,
please note...
when we were supposed to be
doing it!
Right...
Hymn 122:
"He Who Would Valiant Be".
You're here again, Gayle?
What are you here for, Shaun?
Don't know. What are you here for?
Oh, I'm... I'm merely...
I'm just...
Hello, Mrs Stimpson.
Surprised to find you lined up
with the...
What have you been...?
What?
Did you over-cook the...?
Or were you late getting
him his...?
Go on, hit 'im in the face!
If you think 9:20 outside
my study means
be back here at 9:20 every day
until you learn to tell the time!
I told you 9:50; the train's
not till 10:25.
What do you want?
Please sir, it's about
starting Greek, sir.
to the railway station.
What's 9:20?
Executions, sir.
Executions. Mr Jolly?
I used to be like you.
Always late.
Oh yes, forever in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
I know what you mean, but I just
thought I ought to...
I thought I ought to
One or two things...
One or two problems...
One or two personal...
I was like some miserable child
wandering round the school,
with his calculator in one hand
and his gym shoes in the other,
and not the slightest idea
where he's supposed to be.
G3, Leroy!
I know the feeling.
We all go through it, John.
We all get lost.
I'm afraid I've got into...
Bed, John.
Oh no, no, no. Nothing like that!
Well...
Try getting out of it earlier
in the morning.
But the thing is this...
Because the first step to knowing who
we are, is knowing where we are,
and when we are!
I could drive you there.
The train doesn't go till 10:25.
You're ashamed of me,
aren't you?
You could go over to the hospital.
Don't tell me you're not allowed to take wives,
because if you're the chairman, you are.
I know that.
You could take some of your old
ladies out for a drive.
I don't have to come to the dinner
if that's what you're worrying about.
I could go out and get a
hamburger on my own.
This is a historic moment.
I stand before you today as
your new chairman.
I said I could go out and get a
hamburger in McDonald's.
Good, good. And did Paul get off
to school on time?
- Right. So you'll find somewhere to park...
- Park?
Make sure the train's running.
If it's not, you'll have to drive me there.
Platform 3,
Right, Norwich. We're on
time today, are we?
On the left.
Right...
On the left, governor.
Train on the left.
Glen Scully and Mandy Kostakis!
Yes!... Right.
Tomorrow then.
Right!
On the left, then.
Right.
- Right?
- Right.
This is a historic moment.
I stand before you today
as your new chairman,
something that few of us
ever expected to see happen
in our lifetime.
Something that few of us expected to see
in our lifetime.
This is the train for Norwich?
- Plymouth.
- Plymouth?
That was Norwich on the left.
Wait! Stop!
Right!
The 10:25 to Norwich?
- You've missed it.
- It's on time? It is running?
It's run, it's gone, that's it.
That's alright then.
Gwenda!
Can't you tell the difference
between left and right?
You said Norwich...
That's Plymouth!
You didn't want Norwich?
The speech!
Speech? What, now?
Wait! Stop!
They've asked me to do some damned
silly things as I've stood 'ere,
but no one's ever asked me to
make a speech before.
Come on! Try this one then.
Plymouth, this one.
The speech...
Please, could you give me
the speech?
Right!
He's back.
You want the speech before
you go, do you?
"My lords, ladies and gentlemen..."
The next one to Norwich?
- 2:47, change at Peterborough.
- Oh!
He didn't like it.
Gwenda!
Gwenda, wait!
Keep going, governor; it's never
too late till the last moment's come...
just so long...
just so long as your wife
hasn't taken the car!
Gwenda!
Where the hell is she?
Oh, you're here. Where's Mum?
- Don't tell me at the school.
- Yeah, I think she's...
I know she was at the school, you idiot. Where'd
she go after that? Don't say the station!
Yeah, I think she said...
God, give me strength!
But where is she now?
She's not at the hospital? She's not...
- ...driving old ladies around the countryside?
- Dunno, she might have said...
She's at the hospital!
Why aren't you at school?
- Ah, well, I've got a...
You've got a free, of course you've got a free.
Only you haven't got a free...
- No, I've got a...
- You've got a study period!
I've got a hangover!
Taxi, taxi, taxi!
Please sir, I'm terribly sorry Mr Stimpson.
Laura?
I'm sorry, Mr Stimpson,
I've got a free...
Right! Laura, hospital.
Right...
Not far out of your way.
It's not a free, Laura, it's a
study period.
Study periods are not frees.
This is your parents' car,
is it Laura?
They don't mind.
You've got A levels this year, Laura, you shouldn't
be driving around in study periods; you're a prefect.
You should be setting an example.
Right... Left!
Right, wait here.
Do you mind waiting? I don't know
where she goes.
I'm only missing biology.
Mind the step.
So, she said:
"Elly, it's no use letting Lou have the
sherry glasses...
"She won't appreciate them,
she won't polish them...
"You know what she's like." So I said:
"Well, all right...
"I've no desire to burden people with
possessions they don't want," I said.
"That's not my intention and
never has been."
So naturally, she thought that if
the sherry glasses aren't going to Lou,
they'd be going to Pam.
But I thought to myself:
"Wait a moment, Elly..."
Keep moving Mrs Trellis,
nearly there.
"Hold on a moment, Elly," I thought.
Are we going to the hospital?
We're at the hospital, Mrs Wheel.
We're just going to have a
little look at the country.
How lovely? Ooh, isn't that lovely?
"Not so fast, Elly," I thought.
"If Pam gets them, she'll give them
to Babs...,
"and we all know what she'll do
with them."
Aren't we lucky!
Are we going to the hospital?
Don't worry, Mrs Wheel.
We'll come back to the hospital after
we've had a little look at the countryside.
And then I thought:
"Well, hold on...
"Millie's living in Majorca.
"Well what on Earth is she going to do
with two dozen sherry glasses?
But I thought: "Even if she wants them,
how should I get them to her?"
Aren't we lucky people!
Maybe I'm old-fashioned,
maybe I don't understand
modern ideas about...
We've missed her. She's gone!
Which way then?
Left or right, Mr Stimpson?
Laura, Laura. Will you drive
me to Norwich?
Okay. Where is it?
It's vital, you see. I shouldn't ask you otherwise.
It's the headmasters' conference.
I'm the first headmaster
of a maintained comprehensive school
ever, in the whole of history, to become
Chairman of the Headmasters' Conference.
- Just tell me where it is.
- It's not far.
Not all that far.
Not too far.
Left or right?
Oh, right...
Left!
No, no... right... right.
- 163 miles...
- Right.
We'll have to ring your mum.
Ah. They've got a phone here.
I'd better speak to her myself.
I'll do it.
I mean, non if she's the slightest
bit worried about it, Laura...
I'll pay for the petrol, of course.
This is a historic moment.
We are going a long way...
We have come a long way...
We are going 163 miles...
John, listen to me, Im going away.
It's over.
No, Norwich.
...if I may be personal for a moment.
I was feeling deeply historic...
Five years ago, if I may be
historic for a moment...
I was feeling deeply humble.
An overawed master from an
obscure comprehensive school.
Every time she comes to the house,
she makes some little remark...
"Oh Elly," she goes,
"it does take you ages to dust all your glasses...
I don't know how you do it.
"I'm sure I shouldn't like to have
all those glasses to dust."
She goes on and on about
those glasses, never stops.
I sometimes wonder if she ever
thinks about anything else.
She certainly never talks about
anything else.
Of course, I don't say a word.
I'm not much of a talker. There's plenty
I could say if I wanted to.
Well, like that clock...
that came to her,
not that she's ever wound it.
Not that she's so much as looked
at it, from that day to this.
Laura, what did she say?
Oh, it's okay.
...got rooms in that house so filled with things that you
can't open the door. Doesn't know what she's got herself.
I feel very badly about this Laura.
What are you missing?
- You're missing double biology!
- I don't mind.
You should mind. You've got A levels
and I'm taking you out of double biology.
Laura, you're going to discover that life
is full of the most terrible moral choices.
In fact I said to her the other day:
I said, "you know what's going
to happen, don't you?
"Someone's got to sort this lot out when you've
gone, and it won't be Dibs, it won't be Lou...
"oh dear, no, it'll be me!"
But no one pays attention to what anyone
says; I don't know why I waste my breath.
I can tell you she's got a clock in that
house that came from Mother
that's worth every penny of 100.
It's never been wound from
that day to this.
So when she's in the house
the other day...
That bloke with the doll, did they pay?
They didn't pay!
They've never paid.
Blue 1100, was it?
Laura Wisely!
She lives round the corner.
She's one of his pupils.
How lovely!
I saw the train leave.
Isn't that lovely?
The number! The number!
I don't believe this;
there goes another one!
Don't worry, it's okay. Honestly.
If Thomas Tompion is a success story,
it is because we insist
upon certain traditional standards.
Speech.
It's on the train.
I should like at this point, if I may,
to pause for three hours
to pause for
say three-and-a-half hours
three-and-a-half into 160...
It's a good thing, actually.
If you hadn't have come along,
I might not be here now.
I had this great row
with this bloke.
I run back to the house and I saw the
car keys, and I thought, "Right!"
We all understand, I think, that
lateness is a discourtesy to others.
What is sometimes forgotten
these days
is that it is three-and-a-half into 16
It's about 50 miles an hour.
He didn't like it when I told him
I was driving to Norwich with someone.
"Who?" he said,
"Who? Who?"
He's so jealous.
You told him you were driving
to Norwich?
- You told who you were driving to Norwich?
- This bloke.
I couldn't ring Mum; she'd
have gone mad.
But we can't stop again.
And I never paid for the petrol.
Mrs Wisely?
Police?
No, Jolly. Mr Jolly.
I just wondered if Laura was...
Are you Laura's....police?
Laura's at school, dear. I'm on
the phone. The car's been stolen.
No, it isn't the police.
It's someone for Laura.
It's my husband. He's
beside himself.
Well you'll have to come back and
speak to them, give them a description.
I can't give them a description.
Is it a Morris or an 1100?
I don't know.
He's in such a state he doesn't know what
he's doing. He lives for that car.
If it's standing outside in the
drive, he goes to pieces.
Is it the anti-nuclear, dear?
No, no, it's just that
Laura's not at...
I don't want to alarm
you, but just thought I...
Laura. She's disappeared.
No one knows where she is.
No, he's just said.
He's here now. He's just told me.
Who are you?
- I am, well, I'm one of the staff at the...
- He's one of the staff at the...
You know, the music...
He's the music.
He's coming home.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
He's going to do someone an injury.
And you've no idea where she is?
Well, does she have any relations...
I just wondered if she had any sort of..
Well... in Norwich?
- Is this the hospital?
- No!
Just wait there. Don't move.
Ooh, doesn't this make a change!
No, it's not, it's Mrs... isn't it
Mrs Stimpson?
I'm sorry, I just wondered
Laura's disappeared!
She didn't tell you she was going?
Not a word, and the car's
been stolen!
I'm so sorry, Mrs Wisely,
I'm so sorry...
We're waiting for the police. My
husband's out of his mind with worry.
He says...
that she's in Norwich.
I just somehow thought perhaps... Oh
hello, Mrs Stimpson. I just wondered if...
Of course everyone
knows except me!
Why Norwich? What could she
be doing in Norwich?
I'll tell you what she's doing in Norwich.
She's going to the annual meeting of
the Headmasters' Conference.
- Oh no.
- You mean...?
- Yes.
- You don't mean...?
Of course, he wouldn't take me.
I said I'd sit in the hotel, I'd
eat in McDonalds, but oh no,
because he's taking her.
She said it was cello, every
evening, I knew it wasn't cello!
A schoolgirl, a child...
She's got her A levels.
Look! A little family party.
Isn't that nice!
I think I'd better...
I think I must be...
I haven't said anything about his
work, work, work...
I haven't said anything about his everlasting Conservative
meetings, but I'm not going to put up with this.
Which one's the hospital?
The hospital? I think it's
on the bypass
Her father'll kill her.
Can we see over the house?
Is it open today?
Get in the car!
I told you to stay in the car.
What a day!
- Where next?
- Norwich!
So she said: "What happened
to Mother's blue tea counter?"
And I said: "well, you're the
last person to ask..."
Where's the other one?
She's in Norwich, at a conference
of headmasters with the headmaster.
His wife's beside herself, and what about
her A levels? We've got to find her, Ted.
You've got to talk to her. Get the car out.
Oh, the car's been stolen.
She's taken the car.
She can't drive.
Mrs Wisely? Stolen car?
- There! There.
- There.
Here.
Now keep calm. Don't go mad.
Well, what are you waiting for?
"Mother's blue teapot indeed," I said.
"well you should know, you were
the last to see it."
Then the next thing I know,
she's eyeing the sherry glasses.
She's always been eyeing the sherry glasses
ever since she first came to the home...
- Ten o'clock in the morning?
- What?
You had a row with your boyfriend
- at 10 o'clock in the morning?
- I had a free.
Study periods are for study, Laura.
Evening is the proper time to
have rows
with your boyfriend.
I couldn't see him in the evening.
Does the sun ever appear late
over the horizon, saying
please sir, the bus was full,
the train was on strike?
His wife wouldn't let him
go out in the evening.
If the sun depended on public
transport to arrive each day...
His wife?
It's okay. He didn't get on with her.
I suppose you have passed
the driving test, Laura.
As good as...
What's that supposed to mean?
I only failed on one thing.
Right. Pull in!
Now please, at once.
Let's get one thing straight
at any rate.
Get in the other side.
Blue 1100.
Million blue 1100s.
A middle-aged man and a girl.
That's life I'm afraid, Laura.
You can drive, but you
haven't passed the test.
I, on the other hand, have passed
the test but wouldn't claim...
Don't worry, we'll just pull the
wing away from the wheel.
She'll be all right.
It'll all be covered, Laura.
Your dad's insurance...
I'm the one they'll summons,
- and the one who'll have to tell your dad...
- Yes,
and another thing. Have you
stopped for petrol anywhere?
Petrol?
No, we filled it up yesterday.
Didn't we, Laura?
No!! That's part of our car!
It's jangling all about, I can hear it.
It's scratching the paint.
We must find a phone, warn them
I'm not going to be there until 4.00.
Does the tide ever go out during
a study period, saying:
"please sir, I'm having a row
with my boyfriend"?
It isn't someone on the staff, is it?
It's not Mr Slidewell?
Mr Fellowdew?
- It's not Mr Jolly?
- No.
I wasn't anywhere near him.
You realise if you're not licensed,
we're not insured.
Phone! Here we are.
Alright then, in the third race
tipping no.4 for a win and no.7...
Sorry!
University of Norwich.
They're vandalising
those phones again, Pat.
All right Mum, just go.
- When's lunch?
- Now.
Granny's just getting it.
Tell Tom and Boo lunch is
on the table.
The phones, Pat!
They're at the phones again.
I'll just put my woolly on.
University of Norwich.
A girl and a boy.
He's showing off his muscles,
and she's egging him on.
I'll try and keep them talking
till the police get here.
University of Norwich.
Thank God, look
I'm calling long distance, and
I've only got one 10p,
so could you please give a message to the
secretary of the Headmasters' Conference?
University of Norwich.
Yes, our annual meeting's being held there;
it starts at 5.00.
Would you tell him I was supposed
to be there at 3.00...
Hello. University of Norwich.
Can't you hear me?
I said, would you tell him I'm going
to be slightly late
Put your money in the box, caller.
I've put my money in the box!
It's eaten the money.
I haven't got any more money.
How old are you?
It's out of order.
I'll tell you how old you are.
You're two years and one day
older than me.
I mean it took the money, and
Pat?
- Fancy meeting you like this!
- Good God!
- You don't live here?
- No, no.
I don't live here. I don't even live
in England. I'm just seeing my mum.
Isn't that amazing!
- Well...
- Anyway, run.
You don't have to tell me what you're
up to these days because I can see...
you're late!
No, no no; it was the third
telephone box in a row...
Still late for everything,
are you Brian?
No, I'm not late these days
as a matter of fact...
What was it this time, Brain? Buses on
strike? Got the wrong train?
I'm not late! Ha, ha, ha...
I'd say come and have lunch.
Um, unfortunately
All right, Brian. Just your luck isn't it.
Running into someone you haven't seen
for twenty years when you're late already.
No, no I'm not late.
I'm merely in a hurry.
Well, give me a kiss
and I'll let you run.
Lovely to see you again, Brian.
Here, come on, and I'll give
you Mum's number.
You can phone me when you've
got a moment.
Oh, right.
You won't believe this, but
your dad and I...
were at training college together,
and he was late...
Pat, could I make a phone call?
He was late the first time
he took me out,
He was late every time
he took me out.
He was late the day he collected
his diploma.
Oh, he hasn't told you
about all that.
Haven't you told her about
your murky past then?
He's not even listening.
I said you're not even listening.
I suppose not.
Out!
Well, I can see your mind's on other
things. I mustnt hold you up.
Yes, we must be on our way.
- No!
- She won't let...
poor old dad drive, will she?
No, I won't.
She's lovely, Brian. A real
glint in her eye.
Yes. Ah, Pat? Can you drive?
Great to see you anyway.
Can I drive?
You passed your test?
You've got a licence?
Yes. What's all this about?
Have a drive! Go on! See what
you think. All right?
Just round the block.
I'd like to know what you think.
Come on!
Well I thought you were late.
Ah, I'm not late!
Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Funny man you are, Brian.
I haven't driven in this country
for twenty years.
Never mind, off you go.
- Married a dentist down under.
- Right.
Just brought the kids over to stay
with Mum. We were going to have lunch.
- Right. Let's go.
- You've got time for lunch, haven't you?
I bet you're starving.
I've got one your age.
- Later. Get the driving over first!
Once round the block then...
Close your eyes and pray.
- On the left still, isn't it?
- Right.
On the right?
Left, left.
Right.
Stop them! Stop them!
What? They, they did the phone?
The phone yes, but now they've
kidnapped my daughter.
It's lovely.
What?
- The car.
- Oh, right.
There's perhaps something not quite right
up here somewhere.
That's the wing.
The wing?
He pulled it off. Dad'll kill me.
It's Dad's car. It's not his car.
He's not my father.
He's Mr Stimpson.
Why did you tell her I
was your daughter?
Daughter? Who, me? No, son.
I haven't got a daughter.
What, Laura?
Laura's one of my girls.
One of my sixth formers. She's very kindly
driving me to Norwich.
It's a headmasters conference; I'm a
headmaster now.
Yes, well I'll say 'goodbye'
then, Brian.
You can't stop here!
It's all right, I'll walk back.
The police...
It's your life, Brian. I don't want to say anything.
I just don't want to get involved.
Keep going, keep going!
We'll be out in the county in a minute.
My children don't know where I am.
- We're just sitting down to lunch.
- It's all right. We'll find a bus stop.
- Find a bus stop?
- Here's a bus stop.
You can't stop at a bus stop.
Well where am I going?
Straight on.
Well done.
Hooting.
Oh, don't mind him!
I don't know where we are.
I don't know where we're going!
I'll tell you. One moment.
It was always the same thing.
You feel sorry for them, don't you?
You'd start off in evening dress
and silver dance shoes,
and end up running, your skirt in your hand
and your heel down a grating.
And then they turn round and
scream at you.
- Next left. Be posted to Northampton.
- Northampton!
We'll put you on the train.
What do you mean you'll put me on the
train? They're sitting round the table,
waiting to start lunch!
Get a move on then!
Put your foot down!
It's like being nineteen again.
I hated being nineteen.
Right, fine.
We shouldn't be doing this kind
of speed, not in a car like this.
Right, right.
Listen to it, it's coming to pieces.
Terrible.
Now where am I going?
I'm going left, am I?
Right, right.
Right?
All right, 10 minutes and we'll
be in Northampton.
Northampton was left.
That was our turn?
- You said 'right'.
- I said "left"!
Brian, don't you shout at me.
Can't anyone tell left from right?
She's doing her best.
Right. Just take the next left,
will you?
I'll get straight out of
the car.
You can't get out of the car now
till we get to Northampton.
Always late,
and always trying to make it my
fault, always screaming at me.
I was not screaming, I was merely
saying 'left'.
Now they've made you headmaster. Like putting
a shark in charge of a swimming pool!
Left. Left.
Left! Left!
What's this? This isn't going anywhere!
It's going back to the
Northampton Road.
They'll be out of their minds.
Just keep absolutely calm, and turn left
and left again.
So, left here...
Perfect, thank you.
Well done.
Now, we just go round the
next corner... and...
Now what?
Don't worry. We just go back.
Back?
Right. Reverse.
How did this happen to me?
In reverse gear.
Put it into reverse.
Show her where
reverse is, Laura.
Good, well done. Come on then.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on. Well done.
Come a... STOP!
This is a historic moment.
Little did I dream that I should
be sitting here...
When are we going to have lunch?
- Into the field...
- Into the field?
Just do as I say.
We'll get something to eat in Northampton.
We'll hit the road in about 100 yards.
I know this is wrong.
I knew it! I knew it!
It'll be just beyond that next hedge.
Just beyond the next hedge.
Je vois dj les voitures.
Look, I can see the cars. I can
see them moving. Right then.
There's no track-
We've come to the end of the track.
We don't need a track.
It's grass. Come on.
Perhaps I sound a little old fashioned,
but we live in a world where time
is becoming not less important, but
ever more so.
Imagine a spacecraft running late;
it might miss its orbit completely,
and find itself wandering off
into the trackless depths of the universe.
A nightmare! A nightmare!
Hold it, and hold it. Let's just have
a quiet think.
I'm never going to get home!
Stop it! You'll break the engine.
Thank you. Thank you. Now,
it's five to two.
I'm hungry.
You're hungry? We're all hungry.
We can't eat now because we're in
the middle of a field.
So, we have to adapt
to our circumstances.
Now, I wanted to be in Norwich at 3.00
to greet everyone as they arrive.
I can't be there at 3.00, so instead
I want to be there at 5.00
in time to deliver my speech.
This is how mankind has evolved
from the primeval slime...
by adapting to circumstances.
We can't go forwards, so we'll
go backwards instead.
Put it in reverse for her, Laura.
I'll push.
Right? Right.
No! Thank you. Stay here.
Don't move.
Excuse me... Hello.
Can you tell me...?
Do you know...?
Is there anyone round
here with a tractor?
Won my bet, anyway.
Watched you go down on
that hoed dirt...
Bet myself a cheese sandwich you
wouldn't get as far as the bottom.
Right, we're stuck. We need a tractor,
to pull us out.
'Avin' a day in the country, are you?
Not really. Is there a farm...
near here?
Gettin' close to nature?
Right, right.
We're in rather a hurry, you see.
I have to be in Norwich by 5.00.
Norwich? You're goin' to Norwich?
Yes, so if we can just find
a tractor...
What? Short cut is it?
Lost our way. So we must
quickly find a tractor.
Well, my advice is this...
Yes?
If you're goin' this way...
find a tractor...
A tractor, yes...
and stay on the bloody thing
all the way to Norwich.
Thank you. Thank you very much!
- I'll tell ya' something else...
- Yes, thank you.
Know what I'm sittin' on?
A bomb, I hope.
All right, my old dear,
You look that way, and I'll look this,
and I bet you a jam tart
I find a tractor first.
Headin' for Norwich, I believe?
Some of us.
You dodged the traffic, anyway.
Come on. Come on. Oh, for God's sake.
Turn the record player down.
Ah, right. There you are.
Now, a tractor. I'm looking for
a tractor.
You don't have a tractor here, do you?
I'm so sorry, but it is rather urgent.
I have to be in Norwich by...
Of course, a monastery.
I might have guessed.
Have they found a tractor?
Well, it doesn't matter.
Wasn't important.
I'm sorry to let them down, that's all.
It doesn't matter to me.
It was important for the school.
Would've meant so much to the children.
Well... I suppose we
couldn't ring for a taxi?
No phone?
It would have meant a lot to
my mother, of course,
if she'd been alive.
I mean, I'd be happy to enter a monastery
and never speak again
We speak.
I'm sorry, I... I just assumed...
I'm sorry.
What do you think I should do then?
Have a bath, perhaps?
They're women!
Funny ol' boyfriend you girls have
found yourselves.
Takes you for nature study in the country,
then slips off and enters a monastery!
- Right, I'm off.
- Mr Stimpson?
Are you coming with me,
or aren't you.
This is our car!
I'm not waiting.
Mr Stimpson? Mr Stimpson?
Mr Stimpson!
Mr Stimpson!
Mr Stimpson!
Quick, where are you?
It's your friend, she won't wait.
They can't find a tractor.
We've got one. It's pulled us out.
What are you doing?
I'm having a bath.
- You've got one?
- She's going.
I'll be right down.
Well?
He's having a bath.
A bath? Why not a sauna and
massage as well?
Again?
Mr Stimpson?
Where is she?
She's gone. I said he's having
a bath, and she went.
Stop her!
It's our car!
End of the lane.
Ah, can't... can't...
Sandal...
We found the road, anyway.
It's not the despair, Laura,
I can stand the despair;
it's the hope.
There!
Blue Morris 1100, registration number
Romeo Delta Xray 364 Juliet.
We've also got Mrs Garden, reported
missing, believed kidnapped.
State of shock, otherwise
appears all right.
No sign of the girl.
She's at the monastery.
Oh, she's apparently in a monastery.
No sign of the male suspect.
He's in the bath.
He's in the bath.
In the monastery?
In the bath, in a monastery.
It's gonna take a bit of sorting out,
this one!
We'll bring Mrs Garden in anyway.
We're charging her with taking
and driving away,
driving a vehicle in an
unroadworthy condition,
exceeding the speed limit, and
assaulting a police officer.
Nearly there...
One little slip, Laura, that's all.
Said 'right', meant 'left'.
One word!
Going!
Gone!
I've lied for this, Laura...
I've stolen,
I've taken you out of school...
Well, I suppose this is a form of
education; it's an education for me, Laura.
You still haven't had any lunch.
We'll get something.
In your suit.
In the bathroom.
I've even lost the time.
He's only a third in geography, but he can
read a balance sheet.
Our merchant bankers thought we
could reckon on 15%.
The Old Boys' Association raised
a quarter of a million, in 3 months...
You know, our people suggested
floating the school off.
We're offering an A level in
classic Arabic, of course.
...and we hope the school mosque will
finished in time for Ramadan.
One in the eye for Millfield, anyway.
We're also planning a Deutsche Mark
offshore fund.
We have to be prepared for any
political eventuality.
...but we do have the same
accountants as Mick Jagger.
...so anyway an air crew came down and
checked out our security arrangements,
with particular reference to the bombs.
Did you ring the school?
They say he left at 10.00
He said he was going to
be here by 3.00
I'm sorry, I'm... just...
I don't know... whether...
Extraordinary appointments some
governors make these days.
Or is that the state sector?
The chap over there came on
a motor cycle by the look of it.
Good God!
There's some woman!
- How did she get in?
- Excuse me.
And at Easter I'm taking the
Classical sixth to Jamaica.
Can I help you at all?
Where is she? Where's Laura?
I'm sorry?
Our daughter! He's going mad, and
he'll have one of his attacks.
Oh! Oh dear. Your daughter?
Well, let's go and have a look for
her, shall we?
I'm sorry, someone should explain.
We don't bring wives and families.
Wives? No, you have 18-year-old girls
who are doing their A levels.
I've never heard anything like it.
Well, let's go upstairs and
discuss it in peace, shall we?
And where is he?
Where's Mr Stimpson?
Mr Stimpson? Ah! Mr Stimpson.
Well, I think you'll like our new
prospectus. It's been done by...
Excuse me one moment.
Anyway, we're hoping the new solarium will
give our sixth form a bit more appeal
- at the top end of the market.
- I'm so sorry.
Would you take these good people
and upstairs, to the room along
the corridor, on the left.
Terrific! Delighted!
See that they have some tea.
I'll be with you in one minute.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Mr Stimpson.
Oh, we're all looking for Mr Stimpson.
Come with me.
So of course I said:
"I don't drink sherry
"I'm a total abstainer, as you very
well know
"But I do not see why the sherry glasses
should go to Pam, just because she drinks."
Why don't you have a cup of tea?
I told you to stay in the car!
You're another of Mr Stimpson's party,
are you?
Pour them some tea, and take them upstairs,
the room along the corridor on the left.
Very well.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just... I'll... fetch you
a cup of...
He seems to have brought his
entire family.
There's another one here.
Let me guess. You're looking for
Mr Stimpson.
I'm looking for the head doctor.
Well let's see what we can find upstairs.
Mr Stimpson?
Am I?
I don't know where I am or
what I am.
I know the feeling.
Why don't you both make yourselves
comfortable in here?
I'll bring Mr Stimpson to you just as
soon as I've found him.
Terrible bore, I know, but it is
a private meeting.
As a matter of fact, I say it would be
an unfair temptation to put
a sherry glass in her hand.
Mr Stimpson's party?
In here.
Two more for you.
Terrific! Super!
This is the most exciting day!
Detective Sergeant Rice,
Norwich CID.
I believe you have a
Mr Brian Stimpson here.
Nothing wrong, I hope.
We'd just like a word with him, sir.
Well he hasn't arrived yet.
We're waiting for him.
We'll wait too then.
If we may.
I'll bring you some tea.
Stimpson supporters club?
In here.
Do you take sugar?
- Police looking for him now.
- Oh no!
Little boys?
Well, if he's not here by 5.00...
I suppose one of us could
say a few words.
Yes, I could have a go, if you like.
Something about money, perhaps?
Usually a reliable standby.
I hope he's not lying in
some ditch.
Oh, absolutely.
It was going to be the start of so much,
Laura. I was going to go into politics.
I used to think:
"When I become Secretary of State
for Education..."
Don't laugh!
I thought I didn't mind.
When I was in the monastery, I thought
I'd resigned myself to it, but really...
I knew I'd still got time, you see.
Funny how you always know secretly
when the last moment is,
and when it's gone.
And now it has,
I mind, Laura. I mind.
Mr Stimpson
Perhaps I could just...
lying here...
Mr Stimpson!
Wait!
Hop up then darling, what's the trouble?
Does this seat tip up?
Don't worry about the car. It's brand new.
Only got 12 miles on the clock.
What? You pull this lever?
- What's all this.
- We're together.
I don't believe this!
He's got to get to Norwich.
Well, I've seen them pull some stunts,
but... a monk?
Okay. A monk! What can I do?
I'm surprised at you though, Father.
Putting a bird out at the side of the road,
hiding in the ditch.
Does your Father Superior know you
travel around like this?
Funny! You!
Speech... Like that?
What?
Frankly, Father, I'm shocked,
do you know that?
I'm not easily shocked,
but I'm shocked.
- Can we stop?
- What?
Stop a moment. By these trees.
What's the trouble?
- Go for a little walk.
- Go for a walk?
In the woods.
You... wanna go for a walk?
Don't you want to come?
What... you mean? What?
No one around!
Well, this beats everything.
Sorry about this, Father.
Five minutes, that's all.
Pick a few flowers.
Come on then.
Him?
Do you want him to come?
Do you want Father there?
Come on! The sun's out.
It's a funny old world, isn't it?
Look, I'll be frank. I'm out of my depth.
We could take our clothes off.
Go on then.
You first.
Go on.
Shoes.
Now you.
Now, Mr Stimpson.
Come on then.
Oh, now look, I'm not doing a solo.
Come on, be a monk.
Keys, find the keys.
I knew it! I knew it was a stunt
the moment he got in the car.
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Give me that suit!
You've torn it.
Monk. Monk? You've torn the sleeve
off a 300-guinea suit.
Oh no, not the car!
It's not mine. It's a customer's.
It's not insured.
Oh, please, please,
don't drive. Come back!
I knew it. From the moment she
stuck her thumb up.
Don't worry about the sleeve.
We'll get some sellotape.
We've got some money now.
Feel in the pockets. How much
have we got?
Oh, look! Hundreds and hundreds.
We could do anything.
We could get Chinese take-aways.
I saw this film on television once:
there was this bloke and this girl, and
they went around everywhere in this car,
robbing these banks and things.
Did you see that, Mr Stimpson?
Don't worry, I'll get you there. I'm a
better driver than her, anyway.
We should have taken his
watch as well.
Do you know what's worrying me?
The way I always seem to
get involved with older men.
No point in waiting beyond 5.00,
is there?
I'm going to talk about charitable
status and moral leadership.
Why can't he keep those
damned women locked up?
So kind of you.
In everyone's way, as usual.
I'll just sit myself down.
Oh dear. Lost again, are we?
Quite, quite lost.
Let's see if we can find your friends.
Excuse me, but I am not shouting at you.
Excuse me, but you are!
Excuse me, but I'm merely trying to get
it into your head that he is not here.
Oh, here they all are.
So when will he be here?
I don't know.
Debating about which
word to do.
Can't you stop these people
wandering into the hall?
No I can't. They keep wanting
to go to the loo.
Mrs Wheel needs to go
to the ladies.
Do you see? And then they
don't come back.
Call yourself a doctor?
Get me someone to escort them
to the loo.
Ooh, we're off again, are we?
Not you, you've been.
Detective Inspector Laundryman,
regional crime squad.
Stimpson?
Thought I might have a few
words with him.
In here.
- Stimpson?
- What are you doing here, George?
Stimpson.
Takin' n' drivin, and assault?
No, taking and driving and kidnapping.
Right, inside then.
Let's keep the door closed.
Um, Gentlemen...
Gentlemen, if I might have your
attention for one moment...
Thank you.
And now the time is...
is exactly five o'clock, and I'm afraid
I have some bad news for you.
Our chairman, Mr Stimpson...
is here.
This is a historic moment.
I stand before you today as
your new chairman,
something that some of us never
expected to see in our lifetime.
We have come a long way together
to be where we are today.
A long way.
Who is she?
A long, long way...
And at this point I should
perhaps explain that
during the course of my journey
I have become separated...
separated from the text of my speech.
So I hope you will forgive me if
I am a little disconnected.
Right!
So I stand here today, and I
look out there
and what do I see?
I see myself
I see myself as I was then,
an obscure master from an
overawed comprehensive school.
Right. So, what was I doing there?
I was amazed to find herself...
Um, I was amazed to find myself
invited to become one of your
very select handful
of additional women.
And I was even more amazed still
at what I was listening to,
because what I was listening to was
Well, come in then if you're coming!
No, because what I was listening to was
Are there any more of you out there?
All right. Find yourselves somewhere
to sit.
Right.
There I was listening to the headmasters
of schools with great and glorious names
So kind of you.
Oh, sit down!
Yes, we're all waiting for you!
Thank you.
Right, so there I was,
listening to the headmasters of schools
with great and glorious names as they
kicked around a variety of
weighty topics,
as they expatiated upon a variety
of weighty balls.
I'm glad someone finds that funny.
Did he say what I think he said?
There's no need to whisper.
Please come up here and explain the
joke to the entire school.
And who's that creaking?
Come on, come on. Let's get it
over with.
There's a seat down here, look.
Long way to Norwich, was it?
Long way to that seat, too.
Make yourself comfortable then.
Get all the creaking over.
No rush.
We've got all the time in the world.
Time! Right, because I should like,
before I pass on, before I pass on
to other matters,
to sound a note of warning.
And still they come.
I was just talking, you might be
interested to hear, about time.
I was going to say that
we all understood that lateness
was a discourtesy to others.
But I'm beginning to wonder.
You're beginning to wonder too,
are you?
So perhaps the rest of us could
turn round and face the front,
and we'll all wonder together.
Right, thank you.
Because I'm beginning to wonder
if I'd be the only person in the world
who'd be slightly surprised
if the tide came wandering in
half an hour after the lesson
had started,
slammed all the doors,
and stood there gazing
round the room
trying to find some chums
to sit next to
while the rest of us
patiently wait to get on
with the day's events.
Perhaps I sound a little old fashioned,
but imagine a spacecraft
that was endlessly interrupted by
latecomers and flapping doors.
It might just possibly go
completely mad!
It might just possibly
lift off the launch pad and go
streaming off into the depths
of the universe.
And never been seen again until
the end of time.
Right. Hymn 122:
"He Who Would Valiant Be".
Mr Stimpson!
Excuse me, sir.
Mr Stimpson? Mr Stimpson?
Brian? Brian, stay there.
- Mr Stimpson?
- Laura! Laura!
Excuse me.
Are you Mr Brian Stimpson of...
I want to have a word with my husband.
This is my lovely day,
this is the day I will remember,
the day I'm dying.
They can't take this away,
it will be always mine,
the sun and the wine,
the seabirds flying...
Where are they going now?
Both seen driving away, silver Porsche
sports coup
Furthermore, there are also
various charges relating to the
theft of certain items of gents' clothing
including an ecclesiastical vestment,
and of a wallet containing
approximately 1,230 in cash.
Do you wish to say anything? You're not
obliged to unless you wish to do so.
But whatever you say will be taken down
in writing and may be given in evidence.
Go right, right.
- Right?
- Eh? No, no left. Left!
My lovely day, my lovely day.