1
My name is Miles Hrma.
They often laughed at my name.
But otherwise,
we were a happy family.
Our great- grandfather Lukas
as a tambour
fought an the Charles Bridge
of Prague
and when the students threw
cobblestones at the soldiers
they hit great- grandfather
with such aim
that he was getting a pension
ever since. One gulden per day.
He didn't do anything after that,
except buy a bottle of rum
and a pack of tobacco
every day.
Such luck, Milos, imagine
you've got a uniform.
Once again, somebody in
the family that made good.
My grandfather William was
a hypnotist
and the whole town believed
his hypnotism was prompted
by a desire to go through life
without any effort.
You must be careful not to have
the trains crash.
The whole town would envy us.
My father, an engine driver,
has been retired
since the age of forty eight
and people are mad with envy
since dad is healthy
and will draw his pension
for twenty,
maybe thirty years...
without doing a thing.
When you come to the platform
for the first time
everybody will realize
what a famous family we are.
Gee, you look nice, Milos.
Great-grandfather Lukas
bought a bottle of rum
and two packs of tobacco
every day.
Instead of staying home
he went to see the workers
and made fun
of the hard-working men.
So every year grandpa Lukas
would get beaten somewhere.
And in 1930 great-grandfather
boasted in front of stone cutters
whose quarry had just
been closed
and they beat him
so badly he died.
And when the Germans crossed
the frontiers in March
and proceeded towards Prague,
grandfather William decided
to face the Germans an his awn
with hypnosis and stop
the advancing tanks
by the farce of his thoughts.
With outstretched hands and eyes
glued to the Germans,
he tried to get them
to turn around and go back.
Actually the first tank stopped
and the entire army stopped,
but then the tank started
forward again
and grandfather wouldn't move -
so the tank went right over him,
cutting off his head
and nothing more stood in the way
of the Reich's army.
SHOEMAKER
And I went through
a preparation course
and I'm going to be
a train-dispatcher
and the entire town knows I want
to be a train-dispatcher
for the simple reason that
I don't want to do anything
just like my ancestors except
to stand on the platform
with a signal disc and avoid
any hard work,
while others have to drudge
and toil.
BASED ON THE NOVEL
BY BOHUMIL HRABAL
CLOSELY WATCHED TRAINS
My little loves, my babies.
My little dears...
My May children,
here this is for you.
My winged kiddies,
take a grain,
This is from the Countess,
does it taste nice?
Eat up my little ones.
You like it?
Here have some more, go ahead.
There... there...
Apprentice Hrma Milos
reporting to work.
Welcome Milos. At ease.
Your Dad was the best engine
driver in the district.
He once threw out the stoker
while the train was in motion.
There my little chicks.
Come here, pigeons fly.
Take a grain, here boys.
What a station, son,
that's a farm in itself.
Double gates that open and close.
Otherwise, we are closed.
We have arrivals and departures.
Otherwise we are closed.
So, why do you have it
half open?
Mr. Novak, I thought
you would settle it.
That clock has such
a beautiful sound.
Hiya Milos.
Hiya Masa.
You look sharp.
You look nice too, Masa.
Quite a girl.
What sort of girl is she?
A nice one.
Nice, nice, they all are,
but what else?
Countess, the station-master
at your service.
I need two freight cars to take
the cattle to the slaughterhouse,
we are getting short on fodder so
I'll have to sell a few heifers.
The moral in our district
is getting worse and worse.
In Kostelni Lhota the church has
to be consecrated all over again.
Fornication behind the altar.
What a woman,
look at those legs.
She's more like a dream
than a real woman.
If she bent over me, the
whole world would become dim.
One car, but with good rings.
I must sell some bulls too.
- You're not afraid of horses?
- Me, afraid of horses, Countess?
I used to serve under Count
Chotek and Prince Silva el Tores.
Ban. Next time when you come up
to the castle,
I'll send you this stallion
instead of the carriage.
Milos, I had the most
wonderful dream.
Woman, that's nature's jewel.
Now all the Countess ever sends
is two cases of beer
and a bottle of liquor...
I dreamt that I turned into
a carriage and the Countess
held me by the shaft-bar and
guided me to the store-room.
You should have all this
before the war,
when the lord master himself
went somewhere.
The station-master had
the carpet unfurled
from the carriage
to the platform,
all the pensioners came in
their uniforms.
Everybody saluted and in
the afternoon a whole carriage
full of liquor, beer,
wine and food
was sent down from the castle.
And what about your girlfriend,
tell us.
How's it going?
That clock has
a beautiful sound.
It's a bit tight here.
A railroad inspector
like you'll be,
is like a major in the army
during the Austrian monarchy.
Exactly. But don't forget
the shoulders.
One of my shoulders is shorter.
The golden ornaments, the star
and sequins with the gold braid
must be sewn on with
gold thread.
Come in.
Sir, what about the
Countess's cattle,
are we going to load it
on track five?
On five, but first of all
the cattle for the Countess,
secondly polish your shoes
and finally don't talk with
the conductor on the platform.
You must consider your position,
man, you'll be a train-dispatcher
Don't take after Hubicka,
he won't get
a promotion for ten years.
Why? Those women of his.
Better take your example from me.
Good morning, friends.
The situation of our armies
fighting for the welfare
of all the nations of Europe,
whether willing or unwilling,
is favorable.
We were forced to
withdraw here somewhat,
but here our armies tactically
withdrew from the Baltic area.
Here's a beautiful tactical
withdrawal from the Dniepr
to the Danube,
here we have tactically
withdrawn from the Americans
as far as Belgium. And here
this masterful stroke in Italy?
But why?
Precisely, why? Because the
enemies are crawling into a trap,
can't you see it?
Look carefully.
Here we'll disembark
to the back lines of the enemy.
Here for the Russians in the
Caucasus from Turkey
and to Petrograd from Sweden,
here we'll avoid the enemy
and disembark from Sicily
and here in the back lines
of the Americans in France.
And here they are trapped and
we'll chase them from two sides.
Why?
So that everyone can live
happily, that's why I came.
Here, sign this proclamation
stating that you understand
if one neglects his duties
at the station he'll be in for it
for at least ten years, also
for life or the death penalty.
That's all there is to it,
only a few Czech chauvinists
think that they can turn back
the course of history,
but the Fuhrer means well,
even with the good Czechs
and believes in providence which
will not abandon us...
Where is...
Where is the station stamp?
Special attention must be devoted
to carefully watching the trains.
Yes? There.
Maybe I should get dressed,
this way...
No, no, no, no, no, when
fighting for final victory
clothes are not important.
Let us leave fashion for
peace time.
Why?
Stop asking such silly questions.
Why shouldn't he ask,
he's young.
Why? To save humanity.
Why?
Because that's what
the Fuhrer wants.
But we must like each other,
because we are all
in the same boat.
Is that clear?
So long friends.
Cousin, train
dispatchers cousin,
what beautiful little
ears you have.
All they need are nice earrings.
Really?
Why don't you
do something about it?
Do you know any other anecdotes?
Max, dinner.
One butcher used to carry udders
out of the slaughter house
and since they usually had
an inspection at the gate
he carried it in his pants.
In his fly? You're killing me.
Yes and he took
the streetcar.
A lady sitting next to him
looks at him and says
Mister, something is showing--
the man then takes a knife,
cuts off the udder and says,
never mind I've got three more.
And what did the lady do?
She fainted.
Mr. station-master, this joke
sounds different now.
Everything is alright,
the butcher managed
to carry out the udder,
takes the tram, sits down,
the lady also points out
that something is showing...
and the butcher takes a knife...
cuts...
the lady turns pale...
Well, not so much the lady
as the butcher, who screams,
Christ, that was the real one.
Mr. station-master this is really
a score for my cousin.
No, no, this really happened.
- Have a drink.
- Thanks.
A necklace would look real nice
on this beautiful neck.
Hurry, Max, your food will
get cold.
Coming. Or a little cross.
Max...
I'm coming.
Max, if you don't came this
very minute,
I'm not going to warm your food.
I have to go down.
I have to work
on a report for the management.
This is for a sweater for Countess.
Who is that laughing out there?
The dispatchers cousin.
Such terrible
morals these days.
The Countess told me in secret
that they will have to consecrate
the church in Kosteln Lhtota
all over again.
But that's what you get when
there is no power over people.
Mr. dispatcher...
I don't know
how to tell you.
But did you always get along
so well with women
the way you do now
with the cousin?
Oh God no, I was no good
with women at all.
How long is it going to take?
Two hours.
Nothing is sacred to this guy.
Terrible downfall.
Was the soup too salty?
No. But today the church stands
on clay feet...
I could fry the rabbit,
what do you think?
I'd be better if God called
everyone to the Last Judgment
and put an end to everything.
Armageddon.
Armageddon.
Sodom and Gomorrah -
what morals.
Milos, we can relax now,
only a few freight trains
in both directions.
Just like streetcars.
Take over and serve me well.
My ears will be with you.
The curse of an erotic century.
Armageddon.
Condemn the authors of
pornography.
Away with the monstrosity
of young people's imagination.
I can hear you Milos,
you're doing well,
but you forgot the telegraph.
Remember next time.
Hi Milos.
Hello.
I'm on my way from work,
so I stopped to see you.
Yes.
Well, I'll be on my way.
Masa.
I have to go now.
They tore the sofa.
My official Austrian sofa.
In two parts.
That disgusting guy sees nothing
but nasty things. Bleh.
At least if he'd show
his low nature.
Whatever he does with those
bitches in the hall,
he can't do it on his
boss's sofa!
I'll show you
how wonderful she was.
Good morning boys.
Everything alright?
Station the way it should be?
Fun, fun, that's all very well,
but duty comes first,
do you understand?
Fun, fun, so what?
What about your girl?
She's nice.
Wait, that's not everything.
How is she in bed?
This carriage with the nurses
will have to stay.
The depot does not have
an engine.
Nurses. Merciful bitches
that's what they are.
Terrible the way the Germans
carry cattle.
Half of it is dead.
I saw one cow with a dead calf
hanging from its rear,
already rotting.
The Germans are pigs.
The cattle feels it.
Once we loaded a bull on
the train, he put up some fight.
I thought he was going to break
the sides off,
so I took a knife
and cut his eyes out.
The bull was quiet
as a lamb.
Last time they carried three
carloads of nearly dead sheep.
They were so hungry, they
chewed each other's fur.
The Germans are pigs.
Is this place Milovice?
No, no, this is Kostomlat.
Is it far to Milovice?
- Five kilometers.
- How do I get there?
- Straight on.
- Thanks. Let's go.
Milos,
let's go and see
my uncle. I'm off.
Sure, Masa, but I'm not off
until this evening.
That doesn't matter, we'll go in
the evening and stay the night.
Get closer to each other and
give her a nice kiss, there.
That was a beautiful kiss,
and now smile,
look over here, that's right.
Smile, one second, there,
wave and that's all. Thank you.
Next please.
Next please.
Put your foot this way
a little bit.
That's nice,
straighten your back.
That's it. Yes, that's it.
Smile please. There.
Watch that tail, it is fragile.
That's fine, smile please. Yes.
Smile and stick out your chest.
That's it. Thank you. Fine.
Let's go then.
Next one please, there, watch it
over the steps,
don't break a leg.
Go in, I'll arrange it,
all the way to the end please,
watch your head, that's good.
Your hair a bit this way,
put the bag away
and your pretty teeth,
your teeth.
Yes, that's nice.
Now we can focus.
Quiet, please.
Don't move.
The one in green should smile
a bit, yes miss,
-would you be so kind...
- Uncle.
Milos, come along.
The one in purple a bit to
the right, that's it, yes.
That's all then. Thank you.
Now I know why mother didn't
want you to be a photographer.
Uncle is crude but kind.
What if he comes in?
Wait, they can hear
everything here.
So what?
Where is the girl?
What for?
For God's sake - you really
don't have a girl with you?
No.
And do you want one?
No.
You've got to be gone
in an hour.
Oh my god!
You'll get me really mad and
I'll spank you.
Eleven, twelve...
I told you I'd spank you.
For christsakes...
So you see doctor, I am not
a real man
and I don't even want to be one.
Everything is so difficult
in life, for me.
While for others it's
all child's play.
In other words, when I was
to act, I flopped.
You are healthy as can be,
maybe too healthy.
When a young person
is too healthy
he can suffer from
premature ejaculation.
That has happened to me too,
you're just overly sensitive.
You need to realize that
this is natural, normal
and that it has to be faced
as such.
Morning, Inspector, look how
she came home from work.
Look, show him your behind.
Write a protocol.
Look what this Hubicka
did to her
and on duty too.
Look what he did to her.
This, can you imagine,
I could hit that stupid girl
for letting him do it.
You must write a protocol.
I won't let it go. Look!
This color is produced by
the Pelikan Company
and won't wash off for a week.
Mother, this will go to
to the district court.
Don't think about it too much,
think of something else, Milos.
Football for instance,
think of football and then
choose an older, experienced
woman to initiate love making.
And I took her under the neck,
pressed a bit
and no sound out of her after
that. I didn't want to kill her,
I don't usually steal geese.
And then the neighbor came.
Come here. Look here, Sir,
how the girl looked when
she came home from work.
She is a telegraphist
at the station,
where Milos Hrma cut his veins.
And this is how she came home.
Her behind full of rubber stamp
imprints, look at it,
nice isn't it?
I've never seen
anything like it.
Is that some sort of new game,
Miss?
- Was it a new social game?
- Yes.
He deserves to be locked up.
Say, that's no issue for court.
You can go and complain
to the railroad management.
That's a case for the
disciplinary commission.
Good God, look at that -
if that isn't a clear cut
criminal case...
Look at him.
How do you do, I'm Milos Hrma
from the station.
Out!
Hookie player Milos Hrma from
Kostomlaty station... reporting.
Yes, yes young man...
Sorry
for having shouted
but you should know how
to report. What is it?
Premature ejaculation
is what doctor Brabec said.
Nice schweinerei.
But dear Hrma, look here,
young people hardly cut of
the Hitlerjugend are fighting
for a new Europe,
for a better future
and what is your family doing
for Europe?
Your father has been lying on
a sofa for a number of years
although he could have gone on
serving the Reich,
your grandfather hypnotized
our tanks, liberating Prague.
The youth of Germany is shedding
blood on the battlegrounds
and hookie player Milos Hrma
sheds it
in the bathtub of a bordello.
But I'll show you. Do you realize
that I can charge you
for self mutilation in order
to avoid service
in the defense of the Reich?
It could also be qualified
as sabotage. There.
What should I put in the report
on your case?
With your permission...
But I'm not here to procure
females for such things,
I have other duties.
But I...
Out!
Welcome Milos, welcome.
You've really made our
little station famous. Nice.
This is bad business
for your boss.
Miles, let me see, what's
happened to you?
Let me see.
And Doctor Brabec said that
an older woman should teach me
at first, so I was wondering
whether you wouldn't know of one?
No, I don't Milos, you'll have
to find one yourself.
That's hilarious.
What about your wife?
Oh no, she's all mine.
I didn't mean that.
I was just wondering whether
she'd know of someone.
I know and then it ends
by stamping.
And doctor Brabec also said
to find one of ill repute
to teach me, you wouldn't know
of one, would you?
Teach what?
At certain moments
they are all alike.
But it just has to happen
gradually,
you can't ask straight out
that way,
even one of ill repute may
scare away like that.
Don't you have a sister?
Milos...
I know...
That's something you two
will never understand...
Reverend, consider this
a confession, I wanted...
Come to the Vicarage, the church
can solve everything.
Everything will be fine,
if you believe in it.
The church has mastered
psychoanalysis for 600 years.
Only they will beat the burden.
Never mind, I'll consider it
a Christian duty.
What are you doing? Painting?
Painting?
Painting, yes, painting.
What are you painting now?
I am painting the sea
from a postcard.
I am copying it, but somehow
my rheumatic hand hurts
and I can't get the waves in
properly, the sway of the sea.
I'll tell you what sir.
Place the postcard close
to this cover, see?
And then take the brush
and do this over the waves.
Over the waves like this
until you get the swing in hand.
Then make them bigger and bigger,
the way you need them
and put them right on the cover.
That's perfect.
So what?
Last night, partisans threw a
closely watched train in the air
so smart - that the train and
the bridge were destroyed.
The main track is blocked and
trains going to the front
will pass by here.
Tomorrow an ammunition train
will pass by here.
You'll get everything in time.
The password is Viktoria Freie.
That idea with the sway
of the sea is wonderful.
Run, run. The SS train stopped.
The partisans took out the rails
and threw them into the forest.
Run, run.
Now they are assembling
the track,
they'll be here any minute now.
They sprayed everything at
the station with their bullets.
I must report it, we must cover
ourselves.
This is no laughing matter.
Milos, you took over for me.
I'll be grateful until death.
Come here.
Look Milos.
Tomorrow a freight train will
pass through our station.
So what?
We'll blow up the train.
Sure, but how?
Don't worry, we'll get
everything in time.
Do you get it, twenty eight
carloads of ammunition in boxes
blowing up behind our station
right into space.
Now we'll follow our closely
watched train again.
The best thing would be
to stand on the platform
and throw it at the middle car.
But then somebody can see us.
Look.
You'll slow down the train.
Once it comes close
to the signal,
let it come to a stop and
give it the go-ahead signal.
What time is dinner
at the Countess?
At eight thirty, sir.
At least I had the chance to
try a horse from the other side.
I'm not angry with you, I know
everything. I understand.
When will you come
to see us? Tomorrow?
Maybe the day after tomorrow!
The day after tomorrow.
Don't be afraid, madam,
that's me Milos.
What do you want?
Well you see...
Sit down.
Well you see madam, I came
to see you.
The day after tomorrow I want
to go see my girl-
the conductor, you know?
And she's sure to want -
you know what?
No, I don't.
Sure you do, don't pretend
you don't when I know you do.
You see I am a man, but whenever
I'm trying to prove
that I'm a man
I no longer am.
Doctor Brabec said that I suffer
from premature ejaculation.
So I came to you.
But Milos.
Well, now for instance
I am a man.
Are you angry with me, madame?
No.
And you won't tell the
station-master? Please? No?
No.
And you aren't angry at me?
Look, the Viennese professor
doctor Otto Gruner
said that potatoes contain
many harmful substances
dangerous to health.
That's interesting.
My name is Viktoria Freie.
In the morning, 28 ammunition
carloads will pass the station.
Be careful.
Can I take a nap
somewhere?
You wouldn't leave me alone,
would you?
No, I wouldn't,
but I'm on duty.
But I'll go and ask.
Sit down.
I'm Viktoria Freie.
A German? What do you do?
Circus artist. Before the war
we had a whole program
of air acrobatics. And you?
I'm Milos Hrma, I've tried to
commit suicide because
apparently I'm suffering from
premature ejaculation,
but that's really not so,
even though all the time
I just can't do a thing,
but I'm a real man.
What are you thinking of now?
Of football. Doctor Brabec
told me to think of football.
Our club is playing an
important league game right now.
Shut the light, will you please.
So you've never
had a girl before?
Really and truly not?
It came through Podebrady so it
should be here in half an hour.
Look, this is how you set it.
Are you afraid?
No, I've never been so calm
as I am today.
I cut myself off from the past
entirely. Just like that.
Here you can rest at least.
The sofa's cut in two places,
animals behave better
than that.
There my little chicks...
It should be here
in seven minutes.
- Who's driving the trolley?
- Probably the trackman.
The disciplinary commission
is opening its investigation
against train dispatcher
Ladislav Hubicka.
Where is the station master?
Here.
Station-master reporting.
Good. Enough.
I've got a new uniform
in the closet.
So you want to become
an inspector?
Yes.
Wouldn't you prefer
breeding geese?
No.
I should go and change, I've
got a new uniform in the closet.
- You'll take the minutes.
- Yes.
Attention. The situation of our
armies fighting for the welfare
of all the nations of Europe
is extremely favorable.
Holy Zdenka,
is that your behind?
Yes.
And who stamped you?
Dispatcher Hubicka.
How did it happen?
We were both on night duty.
I read until midnight.
There were no trains
so we were bored.
Then Mr. Hubicka said we
ought to play games for tokens...
So we played...
Everything flies that
has wings.
Raven flies.
Child flies.
Time flies...
Train flies...
Soldier flies...
Second flies...
Death flies.
Everything flies.
Masa, dear, wait a minute.
I'll be right back.
And I kept losing.
First my shoes,
then stockings...
then blouse, slip
and finally my panties.
And who took them off?
Mr. Hubicka.
And now Zdena listen carefully.
Before the dispatcher put you
on the table, did he use force?
Did he threaten you?
Not really. I lay down myself.
I wanted to wait and see
what would happen.
Wait and see what would happen.
He really didn't threaten you?
Did use any force? No?
No.
Well, then, this is no crime
restricting personal freedom,
but abuse and disgrace of
the German national language.
The most noble blood
of Europe goes to the front
to fight for peace.
Risking their lives, their blood.
And your gratitude to the Reich?
One stamping imprints on the
behind of the telegraphist
and the other one cuts his veins
because of some girl.
Do you know what Czechs are?
Laughing animals.
Max.
The inspector's garden
is all shot to hell.