1
My name is Will,
and this... is my office.
You've seen us before.
A sea of glowing screens
attached to your
coffee shop like barnacles.
Or... maybe you're one
of us, and you understand
we're not here to be
different
we're here to survive.
I manage a website
for an electronics company.
Mainly updating
driver downloads,
integrating advertising
revenue
with product-specific pla-
But, I do have a job,
so...
I guess I shouldn't
complain.
When I got laid off from
my office job a year ago,
I tried working at home...
But roommates can make that
difficult.
-I have fucking aids!
Aaaiiiddss!
- So, I come here...
Coffee Town.
Though, it wasn't always
called that.
A local businessman,
Morris Brown,
wanted to starts a chain
of coffee stores
and since coffee is
brown...
he came up with the
ingenious name
Brown Town,
which some took the wrong
way.
So, it became...
Coffee Town.
And it works for me
because,
unlike some people in this
world...
- Do you have another card,
maybe?
- I live within my means.
- Next?
I drive a 1998 Saturn.
I used to have one of these.
I buy clothes at estate
sales.
- That was his church...
coat...
- I get my hair cut at a
cosmetology school.
- No...
...lose yourself. Don't be
afraid to fail.
-Uuh...
And... I use a coffee shop
as my office,
which I love.
It's three blocks from my
house, has comfortable chairs,
and, most importantly,..
people that are bigger
losers than me.
- Where's your dial-up
connection?
- But, like any office,
there are rules to surviving
and they have to be
followed.
The main rule? Always be
drinking.
If you stop drinking, you
stop being a customer.
And the reason I have to
play by the rules... is this
guy.
Sam.
He sees people me as
parasites,
squatters in his house of
free wi-fi.
- What'll it be, sir?
- He knows.
Medium drip... lightly
sweetened...
Sometimes I let him write
it all down.
Then I change it up.
With whole... milk.
I win.
Now I just have to find a
way to drink milk
without shitting my pants.
Another up-side of having
a coffee shop as your office
is your friends can drop
by and hang out whenever they
want.
This is Chad.
We've been friends since
high school.
- Mmm... mmm, cawamel...
I like... cawamel.
Mmmh... mmm
mmh...
- He works in the building
across the street
and visits during his
company-sanctioned smoke
breaks...
even though he doesn't
smoke.
- Coffee Town...
It's amazing that black
people got mad about Brown
Town.
I mean, if 'brown town' meant
them, that would mean it's
they're town.
Right? Isn't that what you
want?
Your own town? Just for you?
I mean, that's like havin'
a... a...
- Water fountain? Just for
you?
-You're making fun of me.
- Oh no, no, no. You pretty
much take care of that on your
own.
- Well, guess what.
I don't think that whole
water fountain thing is racist
either.
- See?
- You have a water fountain
just for yourself.
Everywhere you go, there's
two water fountains.
Now, sure, it's wrong if,
like, the black person water
fountain is like...
rusty, or something like
that.
But if it's just
as good as the white person
water fountain...
That's
more water fountains.
It keeps the crowds down!
- The water fountain crowds?
- I've stood in line at a
water fountain before.
- No you haven't.
- I know.
Because black people don't
like water fountains.
- What?
- Africa...
... is a desert continent.
- That's crazy... it's...
crazy.
- I am all for civil rights.
I'm like the number one civil
rights guy.
But, let's be real.
Since the civil rights era...
there's half as many water
fountains.
Fact.
- More often than not,
we're joined by our friend,
Gino.
- Gino
- Who became a police
officer solely to hook up with
women.
Which he's far more
skilled at than, you know,
stopping crime.
-Can I get a coffee?
-Sure.
- Hey, you're new here, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, keep your head
down.
There've been some drive-by
shootings in the area
and I'd hate to see that
pretty face of yours gettin'
blown off.
- Oh my god.
- Gino's theory is that
fear stimulates women more
than flirtation.
- It's on the house.
- Look me in the eyes.
You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
- And as far as I can
tell... he seems to be right.
- You guys saw that, right?
Cop talk never fails.
- Aw yeah!
- I'm just glad you didn't
use the serial rapist on the
loose story.
- What, are you nuts? That's
my closer.
You open with that and they
associate you with rape.
And not the good kind.
- What?
- What?
- Hey, so was that drive-by
shooting thing bullshit?
- That actually was real,
my friend.
Guy got plugged over in
Norwich outta nowhere.
This whole town is going to
shit.
- Yeah, because you're in
charge of protecting it.
You know, at the academy,
when they asked me if I ever
did drugs
I said "no" to a detective,
and he took my word for it!
I've sold drugs.
- I can't believe you can
shoot people.
- Oh, I can, Will.
I could shoot anybody I want.
- Oh!
All units,
all units.
Possible break-in at
Beatty Towers. Back-up units
requested.
- One sugar's never enough.
You know what I mean? They
should make the packets huge.
Officer
down! Officer down!
- You gonna get that?
- No, it's so far away.
- Is the volume bothering you?
I should have been a cop.
There's literally no
down-side.
- Yeah, totally. I mean,
except dying.
- I'd welcome that...
Chad works for an
industrial lighting company
where employees sell
expensive L.E.D. lighting
systems
while sitting underneath
the cheap fluorescent bulbs
they're competing against.
- Fuuuck you!
- That happens about once
a week.
- You lose a sale, Roger?
- Hey, check this guy out
right here.
He comes in here every single
day
and he wants to tip Sam,
but Sam doesn't wanna
acknowledge the tip.
Okay, watch. He's gonna go to
give Sam a tip and
no, no. See Sam doesn't want
to acknowledge the tip!
But this guy wants him to
acknowledge the tip.
Sam will probably look back
at- yep, see.
And Sam turns around again.
And the other guy just walks
off, he doesn't tip Sam,
and then Sam looks at the
jar, and he can tell by sight
that nothing's been put in
there.
- Asshole.
- It's like a tiny little
ballet.
- Mm hmm.
- He should do those
jellybean in a jar contests
and get rich!
- I wouldn't acknowledge a
tip either.
Someone throwing their spare
change at you like you're a
hobo?
How humiliating is that?
- Whoa! Here comes your girl!
- She stops by every day
after the gym.
Stunning, graceful.
A perfect, sweaty angel.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- What can I get you?
- Soy latte, please.
Hey!
- What?
- Shit.
- He works in a coffee shop.
Not a threat.
- He's in a band.
- Threat.
- Daily grind of coffee,
daily grind of rock 'n' roll.
You know what I mean?
- What's her name?
- Becca.
Oh...
She just saw me mouth her
name.
- Yeah, that's a tell.
- Soy latte?
- Oh.
- Hey, I got that.
Yyeaah!
That is for you.
- Just go over there and talk
to her.
I'm sick of watching you
drool over her every day.
- I would love to talk to
her, Chad,
but she always comes in here
wearing work-out clothes.
You can't make a move on a
girl in work-out clothes
without comin' off like a
douche.
Hey there, I could not help
but notice your body being
displayed
and I was wondering...
if I could have sex with it.
Aaah!
- Alright... I'm givin' her a
brush-by.
Police privilege.
- Oh no, please don't do
that.
- Oh please, I will do that.
It's for you, okay?
Athletic wear is very
misleading.
You don't know what's firm
underneath that.
- I don't need to know.
- Yeah, well no I need to
know.
Excuse me.
- Oh... Thanks for all your
hard work.
- Just tryin' to keep you
safe.
- No, plea- please d- plea-
- So firm!
- Why are we friends with
him?
- He's got a good heart.
Is he parked in two
handicapped spots?
I should get back to the
office.
- Yep.
Me too.
I wouldn't say a coffee
shop is the perfect office...
but I'll admit, it means
something to me.
In a world that lets me
feel joy just long enough to
taste it
then somehow finds a way
to cruelly yank it away,
So, I continue to go
there, even though my
apartment
is now mine, alone...
shared only by the
belongings
of my recently deceased
roommate,
whom I think about a lot.
Sometimes too much.
I thought his family would
come and collect his things,
but I think after the
funeral...
...they preferred to avoid
me.
I just feel th-
...um...
C'mon.
Come on...
Come,
I guess the sad truth is
Coffee Town is the only
place I really feel
comfortable.
- Enjoy.
- Medium drip, lightly
sweetened, light soy.
- Name?
- Willllinton
Zegonda-Georgington Zybl-
Junior.
- Did I spell that right?
- You just drew a penis.
- Next in line?
- Another attempt to
squeeze people like me out
Tryin' to make every piss
cost a quarter.
But, as it doesn't specify
'quarter'
there's no reason I can't
use Pizza Castle tokens...
Turn over. Oh yeah.
... which I harvest by the
hundreds.
That is what I need!
Oh yeah!
- You here with a kid?
- Yeah... yes.
- Gary, why don't you, uh,
meet me down at the ball pit.
We've a pervert situation
here.
Gary, the pervert's on the
run. The pervert's on the run,
he's--
- move!
- Green tea for Molly.
Medium drip for... Penis
Drawing
- Hey.
- Hey!
- So, you didn't get in early
enough for the big table, huh?
- No, I did. It's just
technically for the disabled,
so sometimes you gotta give
it up.
Lucky bastard... Right near
an outlet.
-So get this. Yesterday, my
boss says to me
that my teeth don't look like
any smoker he's ever seen...
Huh?
Hey... Are you listening?
- Yes, I'm listening.
It's weird that your boss was
looking at your teeth.
-Wait, no, he's not a homo.
He just thinks I'm full of
shit and he's tryin' to flush
me out.
- Technically, Chad, you are
full of shit.
- Yeah, I know.
But we're talking about five
ten-minute breaks every day
sanctioned by the boss,
because he smokes, alright?
I'm not gonna miss out on
that.
So...
I've gotta start smoking
- Ooh...
- For real.
- You know, they say
starting smoking is one of
the toughest things you can
do.
- You know what the worst
part's gonna be?
- Cancer?
- Buying the things.
It's worse than buying
condoms, alright?
You can't turn a cigarette
inside-out and smoke it again.
- Wait, what?
- I r- I rinse it out!
- Chad, I'll give you
condoms.
- Ooooh boy.
- Yo.
- Hey, what's goin' on?
- I dunno.
- Check this out. Ah you're
gonna love this.
- What do we got?
- Oh, what do I got... what
don't I got? Boom!
- Oh!
- The evidence room is a
joke.
That, my friends, is an ivory
handle.
- Does that have... blood on
the blade?
- Probably.
- They're gonna think there's
a murder going on in here.
- Because of that little
amount of blood? Chad...
- Forensics?
- You're an idiot.
- Let me show you, over here,
is where I'm thinkin' we can
put the taps.
- Hey, guys,
guys guys...
That's Morris Brown.
He owns this entire chain.
- Oh, wow!
- Droppin' by to get his ass
kissed, I like that.
- I- I really think that this
is your best bet.
I mean, they might call it
Coffee Town, but I call it...
... Coffee Home.
- I don't... think they're
just here for a visit.
They're checkin' everything
out.
- Ah! And here's my coffee
wife,
hehe, right over here.
Not... not really,
I mean, I don't have sex with
her... or anything.
I mean not that... you don't
deserve it, but..
- Ugh.
- Alright...
uh, let me show you the
bathroom.
- It's awesome.
- You think this place is up
for remodel?
- Maybe...
- You think they're gonna get
rid of these chairs?
I'm sick of having all
beanbags.
- Told you you'd regret that.
- I do.
Biggest mistake of my life.
- Even bigger than that
haircut?
- Oh, hey, Sam, Sam, Sam,
c'mere... C'mon, dude,
c'mere.
Come here.
What's the owner doing here?
- Ah, well, see, they are...
converting one of the
locations to a bistro lounge.
Serve alcohol and stuff.
More of a social atmosphere
as opposed to a place where
dick-heads can leech off
our resources
for six dollars a day.
- Fuck.
- I like the idea!
- What do you mean you like
the idea?
This is my office! I have to
work here!
- You don't have to work
here.
- Yes I do. This is the only
place within walking distance,
has free wireless, outdoor
seating...
... printing station...
- There's a printing station?
- Yeah, you get Nathan a
muffin
- I would never give that guy
a muffin.
- This place is like my home!
- Calm down, there's a
million Coffee Towns.
How do you know they're gonna
pick this place?
- Because this is the best
one, Gino.
They're gonna see that.
- The one in Albertson's is
nice!
- You know, I don't think
they're gonna pick one
that's in a grocery store,
Chad.
- They probably won't.
- Yeah.
- Ah, dammit.
They're gonna turn my office
into a T.G.I. Fridays.
Oh god.
- Oh ho, that's not gonna
help your cause.
- Becca!
Beautiful Becca.
Nice to see you... as always!
Always great, uh...
- Morris Brown is totally
checking her out.
- Uh, I can get that kinda
clientele here.
- Morris is gonna think this
is the place for the bistro.
Cuz you got a--
- We got it, Chad.
- I'm just explaining...
- Yeah, a lot.
- Ah, what is that? Oh hey!
Wait a minute.
We have, uh... we meaning my
band Mr. and Mrs. Williams...
- Oh no.
- What is that?
- His demo CD.
- Aw, shit just got real, my
friend.
- It's what I do, I put my
heart into the... into the...
the stories are- are where it
comes from.
- He's going in via the
artist's entrance. And do you
see this?
Do you see this right now?
He is pointing to the song
that she'll think is about
her.
This dude is good. That is a
veteran move.
- I'm not gonna say it's
about you,
and I'm not gonna say that it
is not about you... cuz...
- Aw, Sam.
- That's how I work.
- Nobody's ever written a
song about me before.
- I mean it's- it- may not
be...
- Thanks.
- He's a dick.
- I got news for you, friend.
He's not.
- What do you mean? You don't
know him.
- This is what I do know,
okay?
I went into that bathroom
right there a couple days ago
and took a very adult shit.
Laid some very heavy
skid-marks.
When he leaves, I go back in
to wash my hands.
- Wait, wait wait.
You don't wash your hands the
first time?
- Of course not.
Dries out my skin... But...
my thumb stunk a lot...
I think I clipped asshole.
Regardless, I get back in
there,
all of the streaks... totally
off.
That guy pissed em off the
porcelain.
That says a lot about a man.
- You know what he is? He's a
poop-chipper.
- Chad, you nailed it, dude.
Dude is a poop-chipper.
- A what?
- What? He just said 'what'.
- What.
- Tell him what it is.
I'll take it from here.
There are two types of guys
in this world, right?
Those who use their own urine
to chip away someone else's
poop,
for the greater good,
and those who do not.
- I don't even chip my own
poop at home.
- It's weird to say that.
Okay?
And that, my friend, right
there, we are looking at
is a poop-chipper...
... who is in a band...
You should be nervous.
- I gotta make my move!
- You sure do.
- Yeah, especially before
they turn this place into a
bistro lounge,
because a girl like that,
she's not gonna come in here,
all sweaty and naked,
when people are, you know,
sittin' in tuxedos, sippin'
wine.
Uh uh uh.
- Have you ever been to a
bistro before?
- No. I'm gonna go to this
one, though.
- Right.
- Do you think the cover
charge is gonna be high?
- Aw man.
- God, if this place converts
I'm gonna lose everything...
my office, my girl...
- All the things you don't
actually have?
- Heh heh.
If you want to approach a
girl who's not on your playing
field,
you have to meet her on hers.
Look at that.
You gotta get yourself some
work-out wear.
- Or be super sweaty.
- I'd stick with the work-out
wear.
- Either way works.
- Except one of em.
- Okay. No, you're right. I
gotta try that.
I'm gonna try that.
- Fuck!
- Hey, Matthews!
- Hey Mr. Ryan. Just comin'
here to get my fix.
- No wonder I never see you
in the courtyard,
you sneak over here for a
smoke.
- Yeah, I just find it more
peaceful.
- Hey.
- I'll- I'll see you back at
the office.
- Yeah.
- It's on the house, right?
Yeah.
- C'mon Phil. You don't even
have a cord.
- Phil, get outta here.
- This guy...
- Phil!
- Oh, ooh, ooh!
Fish on!
Seems like a nice dude,
right?
I think I could live
with this guy.
- Okay, calm down, he hasn't
even taken a tab yet.
- Yeah, no, you're right,
you're right.
He might just be lookin' at
the missing dog flyer.
- He'd be wasting his time.
I found that dog last week.
- Come on... c'mon, c'mon,
c'mon.
Oh, wait.
- Look at this! Boom!
- I got him. He's mine.
- I think... is he- is he
dialing now?
Oh shit.
- Oh.
- Hello?
- Hi, I was just calling
about the room for rent.
- Yes, uh, the room is
available and--
- Mm hmm?
- Uuuuuh... you can have it,
if you want to,
because... I mean...
Yes, I'm sitting right here.
Hehehe...
- I'm standing right here.
- That's the living room.
- Okay.
- And uh, your bedroom's
gonna be right through here,
and this is gonna be the...
bath... room...
You know what? Actually, I
will meet you in there.
Uh, and I'm just gonna do...
something.
Something being removing
the last traces of my previous
roommate.
So... yeah. It's just a futon
in here right now,
but you're welcome to move a
bed in if you'd like.
- Naw, it's okay, I don't
even sleep.
- You... you don't... sleep?
- Mm mm...
I have a neurological
disorder that prevents me from
sleeping.
- Really? Wow.
How do you deal with
something like that?
- I do exercises to simulate
rapid eye movement.
Sort-of like this guy.
This kinda reminds me of me.
Thank you...
... It's gonna be fun staying
awake here.
- Nice.
Well, what are you doin' now?
- Exercising.
- Oh no, no, no!
- What?
- Are you serious!?
- What?
- What are you wea- w- what
is this!?
- Work-out clothes!
- Work-out clothes!?
- This was your idea!
- But sleeveless!?
- Oh, c--
- You're not Rafael Nadal,
you're barely Jim Courier!
- Hey, hey, man, this is all
I have, okay?
- Aw hey, ya know, maybe you
should open up the arm holes a
little bit,
show off those sweet nipples
ya got.
- Hey, you said, you said
make it look like we have
something in common,
and this is what I'm--
- Not that you wear the same
size!
- Ey, I've seen you shirtless
too, everything's drooping
down.
It's like the Earth is trying
to suck you back in.
- I'm a cop, I don't have to
be in shape.
I'm never gonna run faster
than a bullet.
Get me somethin'.
- After you.
- Thanks.
- Really?
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Okay...
- Sam, we've got an office
list.
- Okay, you ready?
- Bring it.
- Kyle, iced large chai.
- Kyle, iced large.
- Yep. Uh, chai.
But leave room for, um...
...leave room for the...
- Just- just leave the room,
and then, uh...
they can figure out what to
put in that room.
- Cream! It's cream.
Leave room for the cream.
- Got it.
- Oh my God.
- Medium iced cog.
- Everybody loves
the iced cog!
- Eric, white chocolate
mocha. Whoa.
- White chocca
mocha chocca!
- That was really bad.
- That's like, a lot of
complicated drinks, huh...
... in the office... that's
great.
- What's up with concentrated
detergent?
One teaspoon does an entire
load.
How did they figure out how
to get more soap into soap?
- Didn't seem like soap was
somethin' needed fixin'.
- Yeah, I've never done my
laundry and thought,
"Jesus, I wish I could pour
less soap in here".
- They should figure out a
way to put more porn... in
porn.
- Midgets...
- No, that would be less
porn, don't you think?
- Sometimes... less is more.
- No, not in this case.
- Oh, you know what? That
would be a great name
for a midget porn star. Less
Ismore.
- Yeah. And featuring Less
Ismore
- Featuring Less Is More...
- His tag line should be '"one
teaspoon equals an entire
load".
- I'd watch that. I'd watch
it anyway.
- Unbelievable.
- What is this?
- Just... people. I open the
door for them and then they...
got in line in front of me. I
just don't understand that.
You do a good deed and you
get punished for it?
- Well isn't opening the door
saying "you go first"?
- No, Chad. Opening the door
is saying "you go first into
the building",
not "you go first into the
line where I have to wait 20
minutes
while you make extremely
complicated coffee drink
orders
for your stupid... office...
coworkers".
- Well, you do a good deed,
it always comes back to you.
- Really? Because right now I
feel like jack shit comes back
to me.
I mean wh- when was the last
time anything went my way?
- Well you got that awesome
shirt.
- The...
The shirt's for Becca.
-Oh.
Well, should you be wearing
it before you give it to her?
- Relax! Who cares man? Look
at this guy over here.
What is that a Dave Matthews
shirt?
- Hm... You think that means
he's gay, or just a douche?
- It's a tough call with, uh,
guys that like Dave Matthews.
I mean, is he just a guy that
likes to smoke weed
and listen to shitty music?
Cuz nobody seems to mind when
you do that to the Grateful
Dead,
or... Phish.
- Which makes it more about
Dave, who is both likable and
good-looking,
which pushes it right on
over...
... to the gay column.
- Oooh.
- You know what I was
thinking about last night?
When you think about it,
being straight is gay.
I mean, how gay is it being
attracted to a woman...
all pink... and perfumey.
You know, it's like "ooh, I
like girls.
I wanna rub up against
girls".
Fag.
But... If you wanna be
straight...
... shove it up another guy's
ass.
That's straight.
You see what I'm saying?
- Are you gay?
-No, no no no no. I'm just
saying,
what's straighter than having
sex with another guy?
- Everything.
- Literally everything.
- No, you guys... are
homophobes.
- Of straight people?
- Yeah, well I call them gay
people.
- I'm lost...
I don't know what you're...
- Are you enjoying that
coffee?
- Sam's newest tactic.
He does nothing to the
drink, but asks me how it is,
to make me question that
he might have.
- Medium drip... for Will.
- But the best retaliation
for psychological warfare
is more psychological
warfare.
It's delicious... thanks.
- Jesus fucking Christ, Will!
C'mon, man!
- Sorry I thought that was a
coaster.
- No!
- That's not a coaster...
- This right here is my life,
okay?
This is like my little baby
child.
Not a fuckin' coaster.
Phil!
Oh, c- Phil, no no no, that's
not a coaster, man.
- I gave them to everybody.
- You're a genius.
- God dammit. These are not
coasters, okay?
I don't care what the
fuckin'--Jesus Christ- sign
says.
This is a- a CD that I
made.
Concrete Angst. Give it a
listen, you might like it.
Okay?
Let me know what you think.
- It's still free, right?
- Alright, time to go...
light up.
My boss saw me in here
yesterday,
it's gettin' too risky, not
smoking.
- Newports?
- ... Yeah, why? What's wrong
with Newports?
- ... Well...
... Nothin'.
- Menthol, too, huh?
- Yeah, I thought it would
make it taste better.
- Yeah... probably would.
That's a good choice.
- Okay... Time to kick the
not smoking habit.
I'm really gonna do it this
time.
- What's a non-racist way to
tell Chad that he's smoking...
- Cigarettes that mostly
black people smoke?
- Yes.
- Right... right.
There's no non-racist way to
say something racist, Will.
- Okay.
- Oh... Listen up.
I've got some bad news on the
whole Coffee Town front.
- What?
- Some exec called the
department yesterday
to check up on the crime
history of this place...
Check over any felony
reports, stuff like that.
- Why?
- Because whatever store they
choose,
they're gonna convert into
their flagship store.
They gotta make sure there's
absolutely no risk.
- Well, so what did they find
out?
- Nothing.
Place is clean.
The whole neighborhood is,
honestly.
- No! No no no!
What about the drive-by shooting
you were telling me about?
- ... I didn't file a report
on that.
- What do you mean you didn't
file a report?
Guy fired a gun out of a
moving car!
- Nobody got shot. I didn't
solve it. Seemed like a waste
of time.
- W- you can't just not file
reports, can you?
- I rarely file reports...
- Jesus Chr- You are the
worst cop in the world.
- Well fuck off, dude!
Honestly, I try my hardest,
and if you think about what I
do every day, it's insane.
- Aah!
- Aw, the safety's on!
Calm down!
The safety's on!
Oh god, the safety's off.
I gotta snap it in.
It's such an easy thing and I
forget to do it.
- This is unbelievable.
Seriously, you know, this is
what I get for being a good
guy.
It's what I get for opening
the doors for people
and living a moral life.
I get shit on.
Get- I get the only place
that feels like home
taken away from me.
Thanks world! Thanks a whole
fucking lot!
- Are you talking to me?
- I was talking to the world!
- World, yeah... just, yep. I
get it now.
Becca's here.
- Okay... okay. If she's
gonna see you in that thing
you might as well get pumped
up. Get some veins showin',
alright?
- Oh make myself look bigger?
- Yes! Go!
- Okay.
Alright... Come on, baby.
What am I doin'? That's not
gonna do anything.
That's it. That's it.
- Aah! Ah!
Aagh!
Son of a... stop
spraying!
Aaah!
Come on! You- you kidding
me!?
Agh, come on.
Oh fuck!
Ugh.
Jesus Christ.
... One paper...
- Oh!
- Oh god... really?
- Jesus, are you- are you
okay?
- Ey... yeah.
This... yeah, yeah. W- I was
just, um...
I should probably go... tell
em.
- Yeah, it's probably a-
probably a good idea.
- Uh, the pizza place has a
bathroom next door.
- No, it's fine, I just
wanted to wash my hands.
- Oh, cool. The sink still
works.
- Actually I do have to go...
I just said I didn't cuz I
don't like guys to know
that
pee comes out of me.
But it does... all the
time...
In fact, that's a lot of
information. I'm sorry.
- No, that's healthy. Pee
should always c- I'm totally
cool
with anything that c-...
that- that comes outta you.
- Okay, I just said pee,
let's not go crazy.
- I'm sorry... I just worked
out so my head get a little
blblblble.
- Yeah? You work out near
here?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, it's- it's
right on the corner actually.
Yeah, the... my gym.
- Wait... Isn't that a place
for toddlers?
- ... yep.
And that's where I work out.
- That's sweet.
- Here take this key, okay?
It's for the pizza place
bathroom.
They always keep theirs
locked to a deep-dish pan
cuz people keep stealing it.
- Like yourself.
- Yeah, I guess I'm one of
those people.
- Well, thanks. This is very
sweet.
- Any- any time, though.
- Alright...
- Okay.
See ya, have fun!
What does have fun mean?
- Brilliant... Okay?
Now, when she returns the
key... you make your move.
- Yep!
- Hey, you wanna hold my gun?
- I'm not gonna shoot her.
It's to create a subliminal
feeling of fear,
moisten her up a little bit.
- I'm good.
- Oh, are you?
Okay, so you're gonna stick
with the old soaked in toilet
water method?
- Yeah, I'm gonna ride that
one out.
- Okay, saddle up.
- What the hell?
Where's she goin'?
Is she stealing my key?
- I can go arrest her for it,
but she's gonna wanna fuck me
the second I slam her face on
that hood.
- Yeah. Who wouldn't?
She's stealing my stolen key!
- Definitely not a
poop-chipper.
- I don't know if it was
my fear of losing Coffee Town,
or finding out my dream
girl was a thief
with pee coming out of
her...
... or that my new roommate
thought it would be okay
to decorate my apartment like
Lord of the Rings exploded
in it.
- Hey! Can you cook game in
this fireplace?
- But it was starting to
feel like everything was
slipping away.
Like all my years of
responsible living
had earned me nothing but
fate's cold hands around my
neck.
- Join me!
- And you wanna do
something dramatic...
...and Elvis-y...
like shooting out your
T.V. screen.
But... you settle for
something far less cool.
Like... turkey Lunchables.
- Hey Will.
- What the fuck!
What the fuck?
- I told you... I don't
sleep.
- Ugh!
Then... you decide to do
something to change it.
-Hey...
What's with all the medicine?
- Oh! ... I have AIDS.
Yeah... I hope that's cool.
Oh! Aw shit, that's gonna
bleed.
- You can keep it.
- And when it works... You
don't wanna stop.
I'm gonna rob this place.
- What?
- If I created a crime
that scared the executives
away
from converting this store...
I'm gonna plan a robbery.
- Hey. Are you serious? I'm a
cop!
If anyone's gonna plan a
robbery it should be me.
I have studied this shit.
- Okay.
- Alright, but I only wanna
cause a crime.
I don't wanna take any money
- I am in...
But let's take some money.
- Then we're literally
robbing it...
- We'll just take a little.
- Still robbing.
- You're right. We'll just
take some merchandise and
shit.
I have had my eyes on one of
those hoodies.
- Do you know what robbing
is?
- Yeah! Charging 35 dollars
for a hoodie.
- I'm gonna tell you your
biggest issue right off the
bat,
this place is all glass. It's
like we're in a fishbowl,
and there's constant traffic
on that street.
- Okay, true.
- So let's brainstorm about
that tonight.
We'll have our first planning
session tomorrow.
- Okay, where are we gonna
go?
- Here...
- You son of a bitch
- We're planning
a robbery of Coffee Town
inside Coffee Town.
- This is my office.
- Tomorrow.
- Okay.
Time to smoke.
- What's that do?
- I dunno.
- Yes, yes, yes... yes, yes.
- Hey.
I, uh, I forgot to give this
back to you yesterday.
- Oh! Wow, I didn't even
realize.
- You didn't?
- No... no, I did... I lied
just then.
I don't know why.
- Okay.
Well, um...
Thanks again.
- No, thank you
- Okay.
- No, thank you!?
You're trying to bone her,
not get her to join your youth
group.
- Why did you shove me?
You threw me off!
- You gotta get in her space,
threaten her a little bit.
Do you know anything about
women?
- Apparently not is right.
I'm sorry I yelled.
Listen... When she's done
ordering,
she's gonna be standing right
there, totally bored.
That's when you go up and you
ask her out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- That sounds doable.
- Yeah, it's good.
But don't stare at her. Now
you look like a serial killer.
-R- right.
- And don't look in my eyes.
Why would you do that?
That's so weird.
-What do... What am I
supposed to--
- What you normally do.
Look at your computer.
Open your computer.
- Open the computer.
- Why would you look at a
closed computer?
- You don't mind if I smoke,
do you?
- No.
Newports, huh?
- Mm hmm.
Menthol.
I can feel these turning my
insides black.
Blacky black black.
It's worth it, though...
...don't have to work as
hard.
You know this used to be
Brown Town.
- Okay okay okay, now's your
time. Ready?
- Now?
- Go get her, this is big.
Go baby, you got this. Go get
her.
- Okay...
- Okay.
- Hello again.
- Hey.
- Hey. Uuh... So, I was just
wondering...
- Sorry, I forgot, did you
want, uh, whipped cream?
- Yeah, sure, thanks.
- There you go.
- Wow... thank you.
- Hey, before I forget, um,
my band and I are playing at
the Vanguard tonight,
and it is going to rock.
- Yeah, I'm gonna be there.
I'm gonna bring some old
college friends.
- Nice!
- you know, you guys don't
freak out or anything, but...
... I may dedicate a song to
you tonight.
- Oh!
The way a little
kitten purrs
that's the way my
passion stirs
stirs for you, stirs
for me, that's all that I
can--
No?
- Uh...
Stirs my soul
as far as I can see
Stir. It's track three. It's
from the... it's... I gave it
to you.
- Ah... Right.
- You may not have heard-
maybe you didn't hear it yet.
- Not yet.
- It's alright.
You will, I mean- hopefully,
maybe.
That was just a little
amuse-bouche to the main
course later.
- Alright.
I'm sorry, what were you
saying?
- Was I... say- ...
Oh... No, no no no no... No.
- You know, I... I have to
go.
- Yeah!
- Alright.
- I was just gettin' a straw.
- What'd she say?
- You got up from our table?
- Yeah.
- Mother fucker!
It's amazing how much
disdain you can have
for people hogging the
tables
when your intention is to
do the same.
And since the outside
tables smell like Chad's
cigarettes,
the couch is the only
remaining option.
The problem with that is
my laptop seems to be powered
by some type of car
engine,
burning the ever-loving
hell out of my lap.
- Did you see the newspaper?
- Nope.
- Get on the ground and put
your hands on your head
or I'll shoot you in your
face, mother fucker!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I'm not talking to you on
that thing.
- C'mon man it's like you're
talking to lightning mcqueen.
- Lightning McQueen was not a
police car.
- Are you sure? Which one was
the police car?
- I don't know.
- Neither do I. All I
remember
is that hillbilly tow truck
with the fucked up teeth.
And he'd be like "hey y'all!"
- Hey, I'm gonna go.
- No no no, stop.
- C'mon, man.
- Stop.
Look at me...
Where ya headed?
- I'm gonna go home, I'm
gonna eat some hot pockets,
and I'm gonna drink a
six-pack of beer.
- You're not gonna do that,
okay?
Cuz we're going to the
Vanguard.
- What?
- Yeah, Sam might be in a
band, who cares?
He's on stage, you're not,
giving you full access to
Becca.
And you can draft off the
very horniness his rock 'n' roll
creates.
Ride that airstream, just
slingshot by!
Right up into her cooch...
and stay there.
- You think?
- I never lie when I'm on
duty.
Alright? Pick up those beers,
we'll bang em off in the car.
Ready?
- Okay.
You know you hit that wall,
right?
- Let's move it! Let's Go!
- There's something about
being in a rock band...
It doesn't matter how good
the music sounds...
You still look like a
total pussy playing the piano.
- Ladies and gentlemen!
Clap your hands for Mr. and
Mrs. Williams!
- Whoa... there she is.
- Where is this?
Woof!
- Hehe, woof.
Why is she talking to that
guy?
- It's perfect.
Get ready to bat some
cleanup.
- What?
- I dunno, it sounded like
something.
- There's some old
baseball a--
- I just went for it, who
cares,
I made a mistake. Go go go
go! Go go go.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, stop it.
Let me get you a drink.
- Sure!
- Yeah?
Alright. Let me get a rum and
diet coke for the lady.
- Gino's move when he's
not in uniform...
subtly lower the girl's
self esteem to make her an
easier target.
- Do you want me to get you a
sturdier stool?
- Uh, No, this one's fine.
- This one can hold you? You
sure?
- Yeah, I think, it's okay.
- Yeah yeah yeah, go go go.
Please, please.
So, what happened to your
face?
- Hey!
- Ah, Hi! Hey!
- Hi!
- How are you?
- I'm good... Good. How are
you?
- Uh.. uh... I don't wanna be
weird or anything,
but that guy that you were
just making out with
is now... kissing your
friends.
- That guy? ...Oh,
no... no.
I was, um... I was taking E.
You know, ecstasy.
- Yeah...
- Yeah yeah.
He puts it on his tongue.
- Oh! That... that's clever.
- I'm not a drug person.
My girlfriend convinced me of
it, you know, and...
I'm usually really really
boring...
But... ahem...
This is great!
Like, WOW!
You know, I'm really starting
to feel it!
- Really?
- Yeah! Yeah.
You should totally take a
hit.
- Uh, no.. no no.
- Yes!
Have you ever done it?
- No, no, I- I- I'm really
more of a heroine guy.
But I get mine in the
chewables...
that looks like little, uh..
Kurt Cobains.
- Come on, you gotta try
it... Come on.
Can I get another one for my
friend?
- Uh... yeah...
Okay, so...
- No, no... it's too risky.
Oh, what the fff-
- C'mon! Quick! Quick! C'mon!
You can do it. C'mon.
- Shit, alright.
Ugh! There's nothing in
there!
I can't believe you went for
it, man.
Mmyeah... you give great
mouth.
Here ya go, huh?
It's on the house.
- Come on
- You know that guy has
AIDS...
- Can't get it twice.
- Okay, I hope this is worth
it.
- Oh, it's totally worth it.
- Is memory loss a
side-effect?
- Nope... just death...
- Turns out, except for
the moments
when your heart feels like
it's gonna explode,
Ecstasy is awesome.
I don't know what it
looked like on that dance
floor...
but I know what it felt
like...
Do you believe in
heaven above
Like the dance scene in
the 1986 movie "Rad".
Do you believe in
love?
Don't tell a lie, don't
be false or untrue...
When love can only be
expressed with BMX freestyle.
Open fire on my burning
heart
I've never been lucky
in love
My defenses are down, a
kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my
own
It gets in your eyes,
it's making you cry
Don't know what to do,
Don't know what to do
You're looking for
love, calling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now...
- And I actually do know
what it looked like...
But who cares?
It worked.
Oh! Ooh, wait wait wait wait.
- I know, I know it's crazy.
But I really want a memory.
- Oh, I know, I know. I do
too. No no! Oh...
-... Oh...
Um...
- It's from my laptop...
- It's okay.
- It's a lap... top... burn.
- Yep... I just, um...
I don't think I'm in any
condition to do this anyway,
I should- I should go.
- Okay, wait, wait. It's not
what you think it is!
No, look, listen listen
listen...
I wanna- I wanna do this
again.
- Totally, yeah, I'll call
you.
- You don't have my number!
- You're asleep.
- No I'm not...
I'm awake.
Uugh, totally awake! I was
thinkin' about some stuff.
Sleeping can get you
kicked out.
Being awake is the only
thing that separates us table
squatters
from the homeless people
out front.
That's good... good roast.
- You know you ruined our gig
last night...
with your little dance of the
drugged-out idiots.
And now the club doesn't want
us back.
- The reason the club doesn't
want you back
is cuz your band sucks, Sam.
I'm serious.
Really, you're not Coldplay.
The whole tape on the fingers
thing?
You look like gymnasts.
- We're still finding our
sound, man.
- Yeah, I saw you looking for
it.
- And one, two
No, no! God dammit, Devin!
Who comes in on three. man!?
- I said what fucking
professional drummer comes in
on three!
- What fucking professional
piano player
wears a marching band jacket?
That's my question!
- It's progressive, you
idiot!
- Asshole!
- Whatever!
- Alright, alright.
We're done then!
- Fuck you!
- By the way, who's Mrs.
Williams?
- Yeah yeah yeah, go refill
the half and half.
- Why don't you go refill the
half and half.
- I don't think I'm allowed
to refill the half and half,
am I?
- Are you seriously saying
the half and half is empty?
- Yeah.. the half and half is
empty.
- Fuck!
- Aaah, look at you!
Did you hook up last night?
- I don't wanna talk about
it.
- Okay, that's fine... can ya
mime it?
- No.
- Okay. you know, I could
beat it out of you. I'm a cop.
- In a lethal weapon movie?
- Fuck, I wish.
- Where's Chad?
- He's in line at the
bathroom.
- It's been ten minutes, who
is this idiot?
Oh...
- Retard.
- What? ... Dammit.
Anyone got a quarter?
Pizza Castle token?
- They let you drive that car
when you're off duty?
- Only car I got, kid.
- Yeah, but you don't got
it...
It's owned by the city.
- You totally struck out last
night, didn't you.
- Yeah look...
My laptop burned
my dick.
- I'm so sorry, I thought you
said that your laptop burned
your dick.
- My laptop burned my dick.
And I think she thought I
had, like a, sexual disease,
or...
- That's a thing? Laptops can
burn dicks?
- Yeah, apparently.
- Can I see it real quick?
- No, you can't see it. What
are you doing, man?
- I'll show you mine, it'll
be totally cool.
- Oh, you show- Oh! that
changes everything.
Yeah yeah yeah, let's do
that.
Ow!
Jesus Christ, dude. What are
you doing?
- You really toasted that
thing, huh?
- Yes, I really burned it.
Stay away!
- Think that Down syndrome
guy... just called me a
retard.
- Are you serious? That's
messed up.
- I think they're the only
ones who should be allowed to
say it.
- I think I should be allowed
to say it, too.
- I don't disagree.
- Wait, are you calling me a
retard?
- I'm not allowed to.
- Guys? If you still wanna
hit this place,
I think I figured out an
opening.
- Yes, of course I do. Yes, I
do wanna hit it.
What's- what's the deal?
- This Friday night, the
street is being closed down
for traffic light repair,
they're switchin' em over to
L.E.D. or some shit.
- What?
Who got that contract?
Fucking G.E... Bob Horsewood,
I bet.
- Who the fuck is Bob
Horsewood?
- Fucking Bob Horsewood.
- What the f--
- My nemesis, Bob Horsewood.
- Would you shut up about Bob
Horsewood! Nobody--
Just... Anyway.
- Listen up. Utility
company's gonna be done with
the job
by around midnight,
but the barricades won't be
removed 'til 4 a.m.
and that should give you guys
plenty of time to get in
there.
- No no no, I can't. I have
to be on call.
That way, if someone figures
it out and calls it in,
I will be the first to
respond and you guys can just
bolt.
- So how are we gonna do it?
Just kick open the door,
grab all the cash?
-Nobody's- We're not taking
any money, Chad.
- I wanna take something. I
want a souvenir!
- Are you a serial killer?
- I'll serial kill Bob
Horsewood.
- Chad, nobody's taking
anything, do you hear me?
- Nobody's taking anything,
you just rough the place up
enough
for someone to file a report.
Anything more, some assholes
gonna wanna solve it. Also...
You can't go in through the
front door cuz there's an
alarm on that thing.
I'm trying to think of
different options in there.
I'm looking at ceilings, I'm
looking at windows,
I don't know yet, I'm gonna
report back tomorrow.
- Good stuff, Gino, good
stuff. Very cool.
- Hey, do you know what I was
just thinkin'?
The Special Olympics are
great, right?
- Yeah they are.
- I like em.
- You know what would be even
more amazing?
An ultimate fighting league
where challenged people
fought non-challenged people.
Because they're so strong, I
feel like it would be equal.
-They are often very strong,
you're right about that.
And if just one could win...
- It'd be like Seabiscuit.
- It wouldn't work. The
non-challenged person would
always win.
- You don't know that, Chad.
You don't know that, K?
So, don't say that, because
think about if it was even,
how amazing that would be! A
level playing field!
We have more speed, more
coordination, more agility.
- Can I ask you a question
real quick, buddy?
- Oooh geez...
- Me?
- Yeah, you have
Down syndrome right?
- Yes I do!
- Hehe, okay, sure.
Do you think a fight between
someone with Down syndrome
and someone without Down
syndrome...
Do you think that'd be fair?
- Someone without?
- Yeah, like, I dunno. Some
shmoe schmuck stupid ass
like this guy.
Like we're lookin' at this
guy, right over here.
- I thought you said someone
without.
- I don't have Down
syndrome... Just, F.Y.I.
- Between you guys, do you
think that would be a fair
fight?
- I could beat the living
shit out of this guy.
- Yeah, sure you could, mm
hmm.
- No, I think you could
too... I think you could too.
- You honestly don't think I
could beat up a... a...
- Say it.
Say it!
- Nevermind.
- That's what I thought...
Retard!
- Hey you're a retard!
- You want a piece of me!?
- Is that what you want!?
- C'mon... We're not really
gonna do this are we?
- Yeah... I'm sick of people
like him.
- I'm sick of people like
you!
That sounded awful.
I didn't mean that.
- I'm going to kick your ass!
- Oh yeah!? You gonna kick my
ass? Well bring it, bitch!
- Hold on. hold on, hold on!
- Bring it bitch!
- Hold on, hold on.
Okay...
-Thank god, the police.
- I just wanna say
congratulations, okay,
on being the very first match
of the special people versus
non-special people
ultimate fighting
championship.
Thank you guys so much, okay?
Here are the ground rules,
no punching, no eye-gouging,
no kicking...
Just wresting.
- Wait, I can't roundhouse
him?
- You can't roundhouse
anybody, dude.
You don't know how to
roundhouse.
- I know how to roundhouse!
- Fantastic. Roundhouse like
crazy.
- What?
- He gets one special, okay?
- This isn't Mortal Kombat.
- Okay. You don't want a
special?
- Uh...
I indian burn.
- You indian burn?
- Yeah.
- You sure do.
Okay, you guys ready!?
This is it! This is huge!
Fight!
- Ooh! Guess what!
Regular people rule and
special people suck,
mother fucker!
- Aaaah!!
- Oh, OH!
- Aaahh!
- Whoa!
Oh my god!
- Aaaahh!
- Oh! Indian burn!
- This is not funny.
- No no no no no, it's
kinda...
- This is terrible.
- Give it a second.
- I gotta- I gotta stop this.
- No no no, sit down, sit
down.
- Tap out! Tap out!
- Yyeeaahh!
- That's a tap out!
- Boom! That's, it bitch!
- He's got Down syndrome
asshole!
- Bitch.
- See you guys.
- Alright, buddy, be good.
- Later.
- Chad, I'll give you a ride.
- Can I smoke back here?
- Yeah, I don't care.
- Wait, hey! Hey, gimme that!
- There you go, you earned
it.
- Thanks.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Thank you so much Mr.
Brown.
That- that's great. Okay,
bye-bye.
Okay, it is down to us and
the Coffee Town in Fullerton.
We got this!
- It was happening. You
could see it on their faces.
- DJ station back here maybe?
I dunno if these people--
- And Coffee Town wasn't
the only thing slipping away.
Oh.
- What?
- She's gonna stop coming in
here.
I don't have her phone
number, I don't know her last
name,
I don't know anything about
her.
I gotta catch her.
- You can use my bike!
- Okay, thanks!
You're looking for
love, calling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Right now
- Hey.. hi... hey.
- I'm sorry, did you just
chase me down on an adult
tricycle?
- Listen... that was a laptop
burn! Okay?
Hey.
- Hey.
- Sorry...
- I know... I asked a doctor
in the E.R. this morning.
Apparently it's fairly
common.
- e.r.?
- I'm a- I'm a trauma nurse.
-Oh you're... a trauma
nurse... Cool.
- Okay.
- Oh, wait wait wait,
Becca Becca Becca... Let me
j--
It's... it's okay if you're
not into me.
Really... I wouldn't be into
me either.
I just don't want you to feel
weird about coming into Coffee
Town.
I mean... you've been going
there longer than I have.
- Last night... that wasn't
me...
Yeah, the- the drugs...
Almost having sex with
somebody I barely know.
It's just not who I am.
- No, no no. Listen, that's
not me either.
Seriously I don't just... go
out to clubs and take ecstasy,
and...
kiss guys, and, you know,
show women my blistered penis.
Seriously, I- I don't do that
stuff, okay?
I'm a nice guy... really...
Sometimes I think I'm too
nice.
- You son of a bitch!
You think it's funny to steal
an old man's bike!?
I fought a fucking war for
you!
- Sorry... sorry...
I thought it was, uh...
different...
Can I get a ride?
- Yeah, get in.
- Thanks for the ride.
- Of course.
- Hey... That one's mine.
- Got it.
- Cool.
Later homesnap.
- Okay, bye.
Do you have time for a
coffee?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- I think I have a second.
- Ah, good.
- I'll get my own, though.
- Uh, no, actually, here. Let
me get it.
I need this.
-Hey...
- Yup?
- Yeah, um,
let me get a soy latte...
uuh...
and why don't you go ahead
and add a bunch of extra whip
to that.
- Name?
- Becca.
-No.
- Why don't you write a
shitty song about that.
So... trauma nurse.
- Yep!
- Wow. That's gotta be tough.
- Hell, I love it. I mean...
the thing about trauma...
is that... it's always total
chaos.
So, I mean, you get to be a
doctor half the time.
The lines really get blurred,
which, I mean, I love.
- I never thought about it
that way.
- Yeah. It's a total rush.
What about you? I mean you-
you really work out of this
place?
- Yeah, it's- it's not saving
lives without a medical
degree, but-
- I don't usually save them.
- Are you serious?
- I mean why- why work here?
- Look, honestly, um...
I think I just... like being
part of the world.
Feeling like I exist
somewhere.
This is gonna sound really
stupid, but...
I think if I worked out of my
apartment...
The world might forget
who I am.
- Doesn't sound stupid at
all.
- That's what I was about
to lose.
Not a place for free
wi-fi, or to meet friends, or
outwit the economy.
Coffee Town was a place to
belong.
That's something everybody
needs in life.
An intersection.
A place to meet with the
rest of the world
on the way to wherever
you're headed.
Because let's face it,
we're all headed the same
place.
So they're closing the street
tonight?
- I'm sorry, dude, I tried my
hardest, okay?
They must have moved the work
order up.
Traffic is back in the street
at 9 p.m. tonight.
- Do we still have a window
at midnight?
- I don't think it's a good
idea.
- Why?
- Because before we were
doing a Friday night, right?
Cops would be busier all over
the place, busting drunk
drivers and shit.
This is Tuesday.
Cops are bored on Tuesday.
Someone calls this thing in,
the entire force is gonna show
up.
- I don't care... I'm goin'
in. Are you gonna be on shift?
- Yeah.
- I'm in too. I could really
use the cash.
- Chad...
- Chad, god dammit...
- You have any idea how
expensive cigarettes are?
- We are not taking any cash.
- Nobody's taking fucking
money!
- Just... Did you come up
with a plan?
- Are we really doing this?
- Yes, we're doing this.
- We're doing this.
- Stop it.
Alright guys.
- Whoa whoa whoa. Hey, just
be careful.
- Best way to stay under the
radar
is to shut the shit off in
plain sight.
- But how did you do that?
- I got some guys at the
crime unit to draw it up.
They thought it was for a
drug raid. Fuckin' idiots.
Alright. You guys'll be these
sugars right here.
- Whoa whoa whoa whoa, can I
be the Sugar in the Raw,
because I'm sort of the
badass of the group.
- Says who?
- Well, you're not the badass
of the group.
- I didn't say I was the
badass.
- Then that's a weak group.
- You guys are both creamers.
- Now we're both creamers.
- Yeah, well, cuz you
wouldn't shut up.
- One of us could have been
the Sugar in the Raw--
- Stop it!
- I don't care if I'm a
creamer. Why are we talking
about this?
What's the plan?
- First, we prep the target
for a 1 a.m. strike.
Which means you gotta get
that homeless guy at 10 p.m.
Throw him a tall boy with
roofies in it.
That'll knock him the fuck
out.
That takes care of the only
witness.
After that both of you guys,
at 1 a.m.,
will go across to the back of
the store.
You'll find a utility ladder,
and that will give you access
to the roof.
That is where you will wait
for my radio confirmation.
Chad, what did I just say?
- I- I wasn't listening.
- You weren't li--
- I was playing with the
Sugar in the Raw.
- Stop.
- I'm gonna move all the
sugars away.
All the sugars are away from
you now, okay?
- This- this is important. We
could go to jail.
- Okay, sorry. I'll- I'll
close my eyes and just
concentrate.
- That's fine. Can you hear
me better now?
- Mm hmm.
- Fantastic.
- It's like Stevie Wonder,
how he- he has dog hearing.
- He doesn't have dog
hearing. Dog hearing--
- Stevie Wonder does have dog
hearing.
- What?
- Are you gonna close your
eyes too, or--
- No, he doesn't have to.
- Okay.
- Chad?
- Go.
- That's when you're gonna
wait for my radio
confirmation.
What are you gonna do?
- Wait for your radio
confirmation.
All clear.
Next you're gonna take the
bolt cutter.
Cut that padlock that's on
the hatch.
There is absolutely no alarm
on it. You'll be safe.
Once you're down, you have
about five minutes.
Open the cash, like, throw it
around a little bit.
Rough the place up enough to
look like you were doing a
robbery,
but you got interrupted in
the process, and you had to
jet.
That's when you go right back
up through that hatch. K?
That's the plan.
- OK, I'm gonna open my eyes
now.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- So when we're finished we
just split the money, 33, 33--
- Oh my god!
- Holy shit, Chad.
Holy shit, Chad.
-Chad, if you take something
from this place,
I'll kill you.
- Oh that's... very Sugar in
the Raw of you.
- Chad, stop, stop.
You're not gonna take any
money, right Chad?
- My lips are zipped.
- You said this whole thing
is a secret!
It's out in the open, it's
a secret--
- That's fine, that's fine.
Just tell me you're not gonna
take any money.
Don't cover your eyes! Don't
cover your eyes.
- It's got nothing to do with
that.
- Don't cover your eyes.
Just say you're not gonna ta-
Watch this.
Will, are you gonna take any
money?
- I promise I'm not taking
any money.
- Chad, are you gonna take
any money?
- Okay, whatever.
- Don't take your hands.
Promise you're not gonna take
any money.
- I promise I
won't take any money.
- Thank you. Do you swear?
- I- I swear.
- Okay, that's it.
which I will fax over to
Coffee Town corporate office.
We did it, guys.
- Alright, so, we'll meet
here at 1 a.m.
Alright, got it? 1 a.m.!
- Mm hmm.
- 1 a.m.? That's late. You
guys stay up that late?
- Hey!
- Hey, buddy! What's up?
- Oh!
- Okay, yeah. We reuse paper
at the station.
- Good, good.
- I don't stay up that late.
- No, normally we don't
either, it's just a...
special occasion.
Special occasion comin' up.
- We're havin' a party.
- Chad.
- Chad, yeah.
- It's your birthday?
- No.
- Yep!
- Yes.
- Yeah yeah. I'm 56.
- 56.
- How 'bout that.
- 56 already 56.
- You wouldn't think.
- Oooooooooh
Have a happy
birthday
Have.. a... happy
birthday...
Have a happy
birthdaaaaay
- Fuckin Phil, get outta
here!
- Get outta here, Phil.
- You know better than that,
Phil
Haaave a happy birthday
to Chaaad
- Thank you, thank you. I'm,
uh... 56!
- 56.
- I left Coffee Town
early.
Too nervous about that
night to let Becca see me.
Instead, I sat at the
park.
The thought of a future in
prison
made an afternoon with
nature seem pretty nice.
But, it turned out to be
more like prison than nature.
And finally... the time
had come to put our plan in
motion.
And things started off
flawlessly.
Shit.
Hey pal... hey buddy...
Wake up, I got some beer for
ya. Want some beer?
- Ya! Don't kill me! Don't
kill me!
- Oh, whoa whoa.
Hey, I was just trying to
give you some beer.
Hey hey! Calm down, calm
down, man. Shh shhhh.
Just trying to give you some
beer, man.
You look thirsty... oh...
Okay, ok ok ok,
listen, I'll make it up to
you, um...
Let me put you up in a hotel
for the night.
- Naw, I don't sleep in
hotels.
Bed bugs.
- Okay, so, here we are. Um.
I've got some plans tonight,
but you can sleep on the
couch.
- I don't sleep on couches...
couch bugs.
- Couch bugs? What the hell's
a couch bug?
Where ya goin'?
Oh come on, man.
Dude, oh...
No no, c'mon, that's my bed!
Aw fuck!
Chad.
Chad!
- I'm gonna kill you mother
fucker!
- Shut the fuck up! Shut the
fuck up.
Don't do that, man. That's
not cool.
- Look, it's me. It's Chad!
- Yeah, I know it's you. Nice
kitty shirt.
- I look awesome, huh?
- Yeah.
- I just wish I had some
black paint around my eyes,
you know, like, uh, like
Batman.
Isn't that weird...that
Batman wears makeup?
You know, like, you go out
and you kick ass all night.
You come home, take off your
cowl,
and you're just a dude in
eyeshadow.
- This is a very interesting
conversation, Chad,
can we have it later?
- Okay, like, tomorrow?
- Yeah, tomorrow. We'll have
it tomorrow.
Where's my mask? C'mon.
- Ah, I only had one, dude.
- You were supposed to bring
the disguises.
- I made you this!
- That's a sock.
- It'll stretch.
- I'm not concerned about the
fit!
- This is not a fashion show,
mother fucker!
We are knockin' over a coffee
store!
- Alright alright, don't say
"knocking over"
or you make us sound like thugs.
- I wanna be a thug!
I didn't load up my iPhone
with Kanye just so I could go
jogging.
Oh crap, the one with
Rihanna's on.
- Oh, fuck.
- That one is for jogging.
Okay, great. You know what?
I'm doing this by myself.
- No! We are in this
together.
Now put your sock on.
- It's a sock.
- It's just a sock.
- Really.... god.
Jesus Christ.
You didn't make me a mouth
hole?
- You're not gonna eat in it!
- Oh, you look like that
rabbit from "Life in Hell".
You know, the- the rabbit...
from the Simpsons guy.
- Will you just shut the fuck
up!? Just shut the fuck up.
- I'm just sayin' who you
look like.
- Are you guys in
position yet?
- What the fuck is that?
- It's Gino, we only had
Spiderman walkie talkies
so he sounds like the Green
Goblin.
-So, we gotta talk to each
other like Green Goblin all
night?
- No. Just him.
- You guys sound like
Spiderman.
- Why aren't we just using
our cellphones?
- Why don't we just use our
cellphones?
- Hello?
- Yeah, this is way better.
Keep it on vibrate, though.
- Okay, fine.
- Why do you sound so weird?
- Chad didn't cut me out a
mouth hole.
- Why do you need a mouth
hole? You're not gonna eat in
it.
- Oh come- come on, what's
the deal?
- The street is clear.
You guys can go in.
- Copy that. Goin' in.
- Goin' in?
- Goin' in!
- Okay, wait. I'm gonna put
on the 8 Mile soundtrack.
- Don't put anything on,
Chad!
- Those are- what are you- oh
fuck!
Those are my headphones!
- I need you listening! Now
go! you've got the rope, so
go.
- Okay. Go time.
Oh... What the hell?
God dammit... ugh!
- Why aren't you wearing...
This was on your foot!?
- It's clean!
- No it's not clean, Chad,
if it came off your foot.
Because it was on your foot!
- I barely walked anywhere
today.
- You wore it all day!?
Jesus Christ!
- Now this other sock is
worthless!
- I'm wearin' this.
-No.
- Come here you mother
fucker.
- You mother fucker!
- You mother fucker!
- Get back here!
- You asshole!
- We shouldn't me fighting
amongst ourselves!
This is what they want! This
is what they want!
- Sorry.
- What the fuck are you
doing? Just go around!
- Dude!
It's just a bear.
- Sorry, okay.
- What?
- The cash register's open
and empty!
- What!?
- Holy shit!
- We gotta go, we gotta go!
- We're gonna go to prison!
Fuck.
- Please stop holding my
hand.
Why aren't you answering
your phone?
- Aaaah!
- Aah! Aah! Aah!!
- Don't hit us! it's us!
Please Sam, Sam, Sam! It's
us! It's us! It's us.
- What are you- what are you
doing?
- What are you do--
You're robbing the store?
- So are you!
- No no no, we were just
pretending to rob the store.
- What!?
- It's complicated.
Look look look, let's just
split the cash.
- We're not taking any cash!
- He's taking cash!
- I have to, okay? Thanks to
dick-head here,
my band lost our gig.
- Oh pff.
- You think I could survive
on shitty Coffee Town tips
alone?
- Well, you would be able to
if you'd stop looking away
every single time somebody
tries to tip you!
- It's cuz it makes me feel
like a whore!
- Well then, get a different
job!
- I had another job. You made
me lose it!
- Oh psh, yeah right. You
think U2 would lose a gig
just because somebody danced
weird?
No. Because they're a good
band, Sam.
You wrote a fuckin' song
about cappuccino foam.
- It's about Becca!
- How is that about Becca?
- She's the stirrer... and my
heart is the foam...
Whatever, man, you know what,
let's just get out of here.
Okay? I'll put the money
back.
- Hey!
- Oh no, he's gonna set off
the alarm.
- No no, Toby! No no!
- Run!
- Oh fuck fuck!
What are you doing? What are
you doing!?
- Fuck!
Just use the front door, the
alarm's already going off!
Get the fucking key!
- I don't know where it is!
Get it! Get it!
- Where's the fucking key?
Where's the fucking key!?
- It's a cargo jacket! I
don't know!
Alarm reported at
225 Boyer.
- Unit 69 responding.
84 responding. 57 en route.
Unit 33 on the way.
42 responding.
- Fucking Tuesdays!
-Okay, Toby, we're gonna move
the party somewhere else,
alright pal?
- Why is that alarm going
off?
- No time to talk about that,
we gotta go. Oh shit!
- On the ground!
Everybody on the ground!
Now put your right hand
behind your back!
Left hand, back!
- Do it! Do what he says!
- I am doing it, I am doing
it!
- Don't move!
- I don't wanna go to prison!
- Listen up.
I'm gonna ask you this
once...
What happened here?
- I'll admit... I'm one of
those guys who only prays
at football games and
craps tables.
But right then... I was
asking for any help I could
get.
And then the strangest
thing happened...
A savior appeared. And he had
Down syndrome.
- I wanted my chocolate milk!
They tried to stop me from
getting my chocolate milk!
- But like every silver
lining,
it only frames a cloud
full of lightning that kills
people.
- Okay guys, I see no reason
to file a report on this.
- No report?
- Nah. They're actually
trying to convert this place
into some kind of bistro
lounge.
Gotta admit, it would be
pretty sweet to have a place
to go grab a drink with the
guys after our shift.
- Yeah...
- Well, I'll swing by in the
morning and explain it all to
the manager.
Get this kid home safe.
And uh, get him some
chocolate milk.
- Retard.
- And something they don't
tell you when you get struck
by lightning...
you also shit your pants.
And that's life.
You lose.
The world evolves...
and you can't stop it.
You're just a passenger
like everybody else...
sitting on a rock,
spinning through space,
watching everything around
you change.
No matter how much you
wish it would stay the same.
- When you think about it...
being straight is gay.
- What did you say?
- I said, do you wanna play
chase?
- So you accept it.
Because there's no
karma...
No reason to be a good
person and play by the rules.
Hey, look guys. I opened the
door for you,
so really I should be ahead
of you in the line.
Just take what's yours and
fuck what people think.
Because no fictional force
is gonna punish you--
I guess this is the point
where you realize
I've been narrating this
from the dead.
And your friend acts like
he knew it all along.
Well...
Your friend is an idiot.
- Hey.
- Because dead people
can't talk.
- Welcome back.
- Hey...
- I called your parents, and,
uh, they're flying in.
- Was it a drive-by?
- Yes.
Doctors say you're gonna be
okay.
I made sure one worked on
you,
even though a trauma nurse
called dibs.
Wanda... she's...
It's like a death sentence,
she mainly just kills people.
- Is there a catheter in me?
- I used the smallest size...
because it's the least
painful.
It has nothing to do with
penis size,
you have a normal penis...
when it's... you know, not...
burned by a laptop.
- I mean, I can always jam
the big one in there
if it'll make you feel
better.
- I will stick with the small
one, okay?
- You sure?
- Yeah, please.
Thanks, though.
- Any time.
- Heeeeey!
- I can't believe you are not
dead. You were on the news.
You're like a celebrity.
There was blood all the way
to the muffin counter, man.
- That's kinda cool.
- I'll check back in on ya in
a bit, okay?
- Okay, yeah.
- Hey! No, no.
- Yeah, I was gonna just--
- Hey, look what I got for
you. A little memento.
- Um, I think I was only shot
once.
- Oh no, these aren't from
you.
These are from the kid who
shot you.
A couple minutes later, we
all catch up to him.
The entire department just
unloads on him,
takes out their gun, emptying
clips like the wild west,
like Brrragagagaga!
Smoke all over the place.
- Helicopters.
- Wh- wait, no. I don't think
it was a kid.
I feel like I saw... like...
an older Latina lady.
- You know, they said, uh,
technically you were dead for
a minute.
- What are you doing?
- You- you don't need that..
So, what did you see when you
died?
- Hmm... just a long hallway.
- How long we talkin'?
- Yeah, like 50 feet?
- I didn't measure it.
- Do you think it was heaven?
- Aw, you think? Why would
God put in a hallway?
It's kinda shitty
architecture
for the most powerful being
in the universe, right?
- Yeah, heaven should have
looked at least as good as the
Bellagio, right?
- I agree, which makes me
think... you think it was
hell?
- Ooh, but would hell have a
hallway?
- I think hell would.
Absolutely.
Just to fuck with you.
- How long do you think that
hallway would be?
Like, 50 feet?
- No, why do you keep
thinking it's 50 feet?
- I just think that's enough
time for you to anticipate
what's gonna happen when you
open the door.
- And what happens when you
open the door?
- The Devil--
- Stop, it's not the D--
- Did you see the Devil?
- No.
- Will, did you see the
Devil?
- So, maybe karma is
real...
Maybe if you cut in front
of a line,
you get shot in the chest.
Or maybe bad things happen
randomly.
Just like good things do.
- I really wish you would
reconsider.
A- a drive-by could happen at
any location.
- But either way... I
think it's better to just
focus
on the things we can change
ourselves.
- It's gonna be so weird
operating on cadavers
instead of real people.
So much less resistance.
- Hey can I have your muffin?
I need to print this.
- Of course.
- And let karma deal with
everybody else.
- Get out.
- No.
- Less... Is More... shoots
more.
- Yeah, with less.
- Yeah.
- Oh you know what, you can
get them to be dressed up
like a regular heighted
person.
So you have five of them in
one trench coat,
and them just going to town.
But then their dicks are just
hitting, like, belly buttons,
and nipples, and faces, and
stuff like that.
- Oh...
- Would you watch midget
porn?
- Oh... Would I? I do.