MAN: (SINGING)
I'm just a penny on the train track
Waiting for my judgment day
Come on, baby girl,
let me see those legs
Before I get
flattened away
I wait
Yeah, I wait
For something good,
for something great
Stopping in somebody's old home town
Gotta get that midnight meal
If you can't get behind your own life
Get behind the driving wheel
And go, just go
Find a place that you don't know
Ran into a friend just the other night
Got a badge, he's a local cop
Haven't seen that boy in over seven years
Since out of high school I dropped
I see, I see
All the things that I should be
(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)
I wait
Yeah, I wait
For something good, for something great
Dude! You're totally missing it!
It's fucking crazy here, man! Dude! Kev.
I've got an idea.
I want you to drop what you are doing.
I want you to come down here
and take a picture of this for the paper!
(LAUGHING) Now that, my friend,
is front page material. Lateski.
Hey, Mom!
Gina, Morris and I are gonna leave
for Fieldmont right after school today.
Honey, I completely forgot about that.
Can you do it next weekend?
Derek was gonna take me into the city
tomorrow night for dinner.
- God! It's already 7:00?
- KEVIN: We can't.
Morris has a scholarship meeting
and we're signed up for the campus tour.
- Carter.
- Hi. What's up Ms. B?
Dude, she totally threw off my groove!
I was almost at the top level.
- Hey, Carter.
- What's up, man?
What's up, little people?
Running a little bit low.
Kev! Can I ask you a question?
You know that book that Miss Dangle
makes everybody read about the mice?
- You mean Of Mice and Men?
- Bingo! That's the one, yeah.
So let me get this straight.
These two dudes dream of buying
a farm together to raise rabbits?
Hmm.
And I'm no expert,
but doesn't that seem a little...
I don't know. Kind of G-A-Y?
Dude, I think
you're kind of missing the point.
- We can spell, Carter.
- Yeah, dumb A-S-S.
Dude. Satan's children, I swear.
Spawn of Satan.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Right. Come on, guys!
Mrs. Seavers is here. Let's go!
Grab your backpacks.
Oh, yeah!
All right, see you guys!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Would you look at this guy?
Why do we have to hang out with him?
- Hey, Morris.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, Morris,
what's up with all the geek books?
I've got a scholarship interview
in a day, Carter.
And my parents are up my ass about it.
Morris, your parents
are always up your ass.
Besides, don't you want to go to some
fancy-shmancy Ivy League school?
Guys, come on!
Do we really have to start this early?
Well, apparently,
it's not my choice, Carter.
At least Kevin will be there. Right, Kev?
Yep. Hey, did you grab your stuff
so we can split right after school today?
Yeah. It's in my...
Yeah, the technique was a little off,
but the timing was better.
And by the way, she's easy,
but not in the, like,
I'm-gonna-fuck-Morris kind of way easy.
Come on, Kev, I've got to pee.
I need you to shake it.
Carter.
You sure you don't wanna
come with us this weekend, man?
What? There's no reason for him to come.
You know what, Morris? I think, for the
first time, you and I are on the same page.
I don't know.
Campus tours and scholarship interviews,
sounds like a real blastie-blast.
But I think
I'd rather sock myself in the nuts.
I mean, seriously, look at this thing.
Like, where are all the hotties, you know?
Show some skin.
- Hey.
- Hey!
- Hey, Gina.
- Hey, Gina.
Kevin, really, just...
Listen, don't take this the wrong way.
But I need to talk to
your friend outside, alone.
(LAUGHS) Nice!
Does that mean you're gonna
blow him underneath the bleachers?
Yeah. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Awesome! You kids have fun! High five!
I got my high five, dude.
Does he give you a high five like that?
See you...
Here's your brochure, though.
Have a good weekend.
Miami?
- When did you apply there?
- A couple months ago.
KEVIN: What about us?
I mean, what about our plans to
go to Fieldmont together?
And the campus tour this weekend?
Just go without me.
Look, it's senior year.
It's, like, so exciting,
and I wanna party, and I wanna have fun.
And you're, like, not fun.
Like, so what? So I don't drink very
much, you know. We still have fun.
Like our Friday nights at mini golf.
Yeah, they're kind of boring.
Our camping trips, the school carnival,
studying together?
Standing around while you're
taking pictures of everything?
- Thrilling!
- Gina...
When we were freshmen, it was one thing.
But this is our time to really go crazy!
We're supposed to be partying.
And you, you're just... You're a loser!
Kevin, it's over.
College is just around the corner,
and I can't let you ruin my senior year.
That's mine.
CARTER: Okay, so let me get this straight.
You didn't get blown under the bleachers?
No! Dude, have you been listening to me?
She dumped me!
I was dumped once.
Morris, you're such a fucking liar, dude.
- You've never even had a girlfriend.
- Shut up, Carter. Yes, I did.
Remember, Kev?
You introduced me to her.
- Right.
- MORRIS: She was real.
- We went to physics camp together.
- Maybe more like fantasy camp.
Come on, you guys. Do you mind?
I'm having a breakdown here.
What am I supposed to do now?
It was all set.
First, we'd go to college together,
and then we'd get married,
have a couple kids, one girl, one boy.
Dude, is that the kind of shit
you would say to Gina?
God! No wonder she dumped your ass.
You're fucking lame.
- What's up, fellows?
- What's up, Fletcher?
What's up with Negative Nancy over here?
Gina dumped him.
He's having a breakdown.
Cool. So are you guys going on some sort
of road trip to Fieldmont this weekend?
- I don't think I'm going anymore.
- That's too bad.
I just went there last weekend
to visit my bro.
I almost didn't make it back.
"Almost didn't make it back"?
Dude, it's just college.
Yeah, yeah, just college.
Yeah, see, that's what I thought, too.
And then I went,
and I'm telling you guys right now,
it is fucking nuts, man. It's retarded.
Why? What happened?
You guys want to know?
Basically, this is how it went down.
I didn't sleep for three days, okay?
I don't have any money left
in my bank account.
I maxed out my parents' credit card,
which was only supposed
to be used in case of an emergency.
I lost my cell phone,
which is actually my dad's cell phone.
So he's pissed about that
and the credit card.
I tried smoking a tampon,
which I thought was a big fat joint.
Still got high. Stole a car,
got in a bar fight, ate some goldfish.
Played naked Frisbee, did some whip-its,
wet my brother's bed twice.
Shit my pants, once,
but please don't tell anyone,
'cause I'm kind of embarrassed about that.
Saw two girls make out.
With tongue! With tongue!
Watched my brother's roommates
eat as many cheeseburgers as they could
until one of them puked.
Found a tattoo on my lower back
of a unicorn.
Don't remember getting that.
Figure I'll just tell people
it's some sort of killer unicorn.
You know? So it doesn't seem so gay.
I laughed. I cried. Fell in love.
Yeah, and did I mention earlier
that I got laid?
Three times. Different girls, yeah.
So all in all, I'd say it was pretty much
the best weekend of my fucking life.
Yeah.
Dude, you should go.
What if I could have a weekend like that,
a weekend like Fletcher's?
How? No way.
Who knows if he's even telling the truth?
Come on, man. What if he was?
You heard him.
All the craziness, the partying, the sex,
the drinking, it sounds incredible.
You know, maybe I'll even get a tattoo.
Wait, you're joking, right?
You got me, Kev. That's a good one.
Partying, drinking, sex. Up top.
I'm not kidding, Morris.
You know, maybe Gina's right, I'm no fun.
A weekend like Fletcher's
is exactly what I need.
Kev, having some crazy weekend
to get back at Gina is a really bad idea.
Or a really good idea,
and I say go for it.
Bitch.
You know what? I'm gonna go for it.
In fact, I'm gonna have a better weekend
than Fletcher.
Yes!
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Dude, I am so going.
MAN: (SINGING) I gotta move
While the streets ahead are sunny
Fall in love with some honey
Oh, mama
I gotta move
It's time I broke out into the open
You know I'll settle down again some day
Dude, this is definitely better
than the brochure!
KEVIN: Yeah, man,
I've got a good feeling about this.
Good feeling? What kind of good feeling?
Like your-boy-Carter's-gonna-get-laid
kind of feeling?
'Cause I have that feeling too, and I love it!
I don't know, man, just everything.
I'm ready to have fun.
Yeah, man, good!
Positive vibes. Positive vibes.
Okay, Kev, it says here that the campus
tour is at 12:30 tomorrow afternoon.
And there's a pre-frosh reception tonight
before dinner in the main...
Okay, that's enough!
That is enough. No more.
That's our schedule for the weekend!
Dude, Morris, fuck schedules, man!
We're in college now.
You know what that means?
No parents! No curfew! Free fucking beer!
It does not get any better than this!
Except for that.
Dude, slow down, slow down.
Hey, what's up, ladies?
You on your way to class?
No. We just like carrying all these books
around for fun.
(LAUGHING) Right!
A girl's got to read, huh? Awesome.
So, look, we're in town for the weekend,
and we were just kind of wondering
if you guys could, I mean, I don't know,
show us around?
New guys, huh?
What college are you visiting from?
No, no, see, we're not in college.
- We're actually still in high school.
- CARTER: What the fuck?
- I hate you so much!
- Stop it!
You're crushing my testicles!
- What my friend meant to say was...
- Fuck off!
All righty then. I'll see you guys later.
Hey, green shirt, if I give you $5 right now,
would you fart in a can
and let me just keep it in my bedroom?
I'll never open it! I promise.
These dorms are whack.
Why do we have to stay here?
You don't have to, Carter.
This is where the admissions board
put me and Kevin.
Look, I got a cousin who's a legacy
in one of the fraternities.
I'm sure if we go there, they'll hook us up.
- Yeah, my parents would love that.
- Yeah.
Enough, you guys! Look, I don't see
what's so bad about this, Carter.
(MAN MOANING)
(WHIPPING ON TV)
- What?
- ALL: God!
(WOMAN MOANING ON TV)
- Hi.
- Hey, there.
I'm Morris.
I'm Kevin, Kevin Brewer,
prospective freshman.
We're supposed to be staying in your room
this weekend.
Right.
Look, fellows, I'm gonna need about
So just come back later.
Probably just working out.
Yeah, he's just working out one of these.
- Disgusting!
- How's that frat house sound, guys?
Pretty good? Awesome.
KEVIN: Okay, dude, do you actually know
where you're going?
Dude, relax! It's right up here, I think.
All right, dude, I'm not perfect, all right?
All these Greek letters
look the same to me.
Maybe we should go back
and try the dorm again.
You shut your mouth! Shut your mouth!
Or not. That's cool, too.
Holy shit. Those chicks
definitely weren't in the brochure.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- What's up, college girls?
- Ladies.
- I'm Morris.
- Hi, Morris.
- She said my name.
- Chicks are smoking hot! Yeah.
"Chicks are smoking hot"?
Come on, real smooth, Carter.
Yeah. Smooth.
Whatever! All you got out was your name.
Which she repeated back to me,
I'd like to note.
Shut up.
(PELLET GUN FIRES)
Jesus!
- Nut shot.
- Ten points!
Get some.
Shitty news, dudes.
Dean Chandler has denied our petition,
and we're still on probation.
Shit!
I guess he's taking that whole
singing thing pretty seriously.
Looking good, Goose.
Looks like we got another semester
without any pledges.
This fucking blows, man!
What's the point of college
if you can't have pledges?
Shit!
(PELLET GUN FIRING)
Fuck!
MAN: Fuck!
Son of a...
That's it.
This just might be the year to graduate.
- What?
- What?
- No.
- Yeah, I didn't think it'd come so soon.
You can't graduate. You're Bearcat.
- You're an institution.
- I know.
I'm scared to graduate.
It seems like torturing pledges,
that's all I'm good at.
That's not true, and you know that.
You're good at a lot of things.
Cooper, tell him what he's good at.
Like... Like the keg toss.
And you take the biggest dumps
in the house. Right?
Yeah. Nobody beats you at that.
It's like a real gift.
It is, isn't it?
Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better.
- Hang in there, big guy.
- You're all right.
Hang in there.
We'll figure this whole pledge thing out,
I promise.
Hey, man, is this the Beta Phi house?
What? You can't read Greek?
My cousin is a legacy here.
- Yeah? Who's your cousin?
- Toby Scott.
You mean Queef?
- What?
- Queef.
- What's a queef?
- A pussy fart.
It's his pledge name.
- Who'd want that name?
- Yeah, he earned it.
I'd like to help you guys out, with you
being his cousin and everything, but...
Hey! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Come on, man.
Look, we're in high school, you know?
We're just up here to party, you know?
Is that too much to ask?
You guys are a bunch of high school kids?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, okay? Go try the dorms.
- A legacy, dude?
- Yeah, he's... I...
I can't believe they call Toby "Queef."
Toby kicks ass.
What did those guys want?
A couple of high school kids
looking to crash here for the weekend.
One of them was Queef's cousin.
Remember him?
God, that guy could toss a salad.
That thing he did with his tongue?
Sorry. That guy's a loser.
So, they're looking
for a place to crash, huh?
- Maybe we should let them stay.
- COOPER: What, are you serious?
What the hell
are we gonna do with a bunch
of fucking high school kids
here all weekend?
TEAGUE: Brothers.
MAN: Do it, man!
- Listen up.
- Boner.
Goose, shut the fuck up.
(MEN LAUGHING)
These guys. What's your names?
I'm Kevin, and this is Morris and Carter.
Okay, whatever. These guys are
our guests for the weekend.
(ALL CHEERING)
Well, see, technically,
we're supposed to stay in the dorms,
but our roommate's a little...
- MAN: Technically, you're a fag!
...preoccupied.
Yeah, he's jerking off.
Pussy! Fuck hole!
Did we say you could talk?
Bearcat! Relax, big man.
They didn't mean anything by it.
Sorry. He's got anger management issues.
How about I show you guys
where you are staying?
Put your stuff away?
- Morris, do you like the sound of that?
- MAN: Party!
- ALL: Party! Party! Party!
- Party! Party! Party!
- Party! Party! Party!
- Party! Party! Party!
- Party! Party! Party!
- Party! Party! Party!
- Party! Party! Party!
- Party! Party! Party!
What's up, shit face?
This is usually
where we let our pledges stay.
We call this room the dungeon,
but don't let the name scare you.
You're gonna love it.
(CRASHING)
COOPER: Watch the step.
Yeah, this place fucking sucks.
Dude, it beats some guy jerking, all right?
Like we said, all of our guest rooms
are taken tonight.
Yeah. We feel really bad
about having to put you guys down here.
- Is that a rat?
- A rat? No. Probably just a shadow.
And don't you guys worry.
We're gonna give you the 411
on all the great parties this weekend.
In fact, I think that the Lambdas
are having a kegger tonight.
Keggers? We love keggers.
Right, Kev? Keggers, keggers!
We are all about keggers.
Cool. Well, you guys
are gonna love the Lambdas.
COOPER: Bearcat!
- What the fuck is up with that...
- BEARCAT: Are you talking?
- No, man. I'm chilling. What?
- Yeah. Shut the fuck up.
So excited!
All right, guys. This is it. Party time.
Let's do the rundown. Rubbers?
Check.
Breath mints?
Check.
Retainers?
(GROANS)
I was kidding. That's so fucking gross.
Put that away.
- So, you guys sure about this?
- Relax, man. It's just a frat party.
What?
What? We're here to learn
about college, right?
God, I love the new attitude, Kevin.
It looks good on you, man.
It makes your eyes pop
and your hair shine.
It makes your shirt look better.
Good times. Good times. All right, guys.
Hold onto your socks,
because this is going to be awesome.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, guys! Come on in!
The kegs are full and the Jacuzzi's hot!
Yeah!
Party!
Yeah!
What's up? Going on? Ladies?
There's a lot of dudes here, right?
Yeah. It's a total sausage fest.
Check it out!
These guys are so drunk
they're making out with each other.
Morris, I don't think they're drunk.
Who wants to play
glow-in-the-dark boners now?
(CROWD CHEERING)
It's boner tag! It's boner tag!
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Why would they send us
to an all-gay fraternity? Do we look gay?
Maybe they found out how many times
you've been laid and just assumed.
Real funny, Carter.
Look, my cousin's a legacy. I doubt
they're gonna do that to us on purpose.
Don't worry!
That was not full of my piss or anything.
Just Bearcat's.
MAN: Yeah!
Hey, how was the party?
Did you guys find any dates?
Yeah, real funny, guys.
We almost got jumped back there.
Watch your step, pre-frosh!
This ain't high school!
Welcome to college, boys. Enjoy.
Crap.
MAN: (SINGING) Don't talk about it
Oh, boy, don't talk about it
If you do, I'll die
Holy shit! This is insane!
No, man. This is fucking college.
(IMPLANTS SQUISHING)
God bless America for such a place!
Let's rock this bitch.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Hey! Hey! Hey! What's up, fellows?
Look, we feel like absolute shit
for what happened earlier.
- Yeah. We think you guys are cool.
- Yeah. It was just a joke.
We weren't trying to be
like assholes or anything.
Let us make it up to you.
We're gonna go do some body shots.
And we would love it
if you guys would come with us.
Dude, we are so down!
Actually, you know what?
I just filled up, so I'm cool.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a pass, too.
(SCOFFS)
Lame and lamer.
Just saying, man, I guess Gina was right.
Dude, where's the bathroom?
All right. All right, you know what?
Fuck it! I'm in.
- COOPER: Bottle.
- This is awesome.
Salt.
Limes.
And lube.
- What the hell is that for?
- TEAGUE: Just in case.
We probably won't need it. You guys...
You guys are gonna love this.
Where did the girls go?
Unfortunately,
(GRUNTS)
the girls had to go home early.
So who are we doing body shots off of?
- Great question, Mike.
- Morris.
Bearcat was nice enough
to take their place.
Bearcat?
MAN: Yeah!
(GROANS)
(ROARING)
(ALL CHEERING)
That's right, motherfuckers!
- Okay, we're outta here, let's go.
- Yeah.
Where are you guys going?
Yeah, we thought you guys were cool.
We thought you wanted to party.
Guess we were wrong.
Well, have fun back at the dorm,
you fucking pussies.
(FRAT BOYS CHANTING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(FRAT BOYS CHANTING)
- ALL: Do it! Do it! Do it!
- Do it! Do it! Do it!
- Do it! Do it! Do it!
- Do it! Do it! Do it!
- Do it! Do it! Do it!
- Do it! Do it! Do it!
- MAN: Do that shot!
- Yeah!
MAN: Do that shot! Do it!
Watch this!
You are my best friend!
MAN: (SINGING) All the girls and the boys
And people making noise
Just let me hear you shout
Bring them out
Bring them out
Everything's spinning around me.
I'm drunk right now.
Doing shots of tequila out of
some guy's ass crack will do that to you.
Whatever, man. You guys
are lightweights. I don't feel shit!
Is that a fat joke, you bitch?
- Here! Video me!
- Okay.
Yeah, wait till Gina sees this! Party!
(ALL CHEERING)
Party!
MAN: (SINGING) Pump up your fist
If you twist like this
Till the lights go out
Bring them out
Bring them out
Katie
I don't know why I even try
'Cause lately
You're always out with other guys
Pretty baby
Don't you know I'll treat you right
I'll go crazy
If you pass me up tonight
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
All this time can't get it off my mind
Dance the night away
Keep rocking with me
When the grooves all right
Rocking all night
I want to hear you say
All the girls and the boys
And people making noise
Just let me hear you shout
Bring them out
Bring them out
All the girls and the boys
And people making noise
Just let me hear you shout
Bring them out
Bring them out
Pump up your fist
If you twist like this
Till the lights go out
Bring them out
Bring them out
Wake up
I'm calling you up
I need a ride
We're gonna shake up
So hurry it up, no wasted time
The girls in their makeup
In black and white
Exchanging looks tonight
I just ran into some other friends of mine
Someone's coming round
To pick them up at nine
All the girls and the boys
And people making noise
Just let me hear you shout
Bring them out
Bring them out
(SCREAMING)
MAN: Fuck yeah!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Drink!
- Sorry. What?
- I made the shot. Now you drink.
Yeah, yeah, right. Cool. All right.
- So when do I get a turn?
- When I miss.
You kids having fun?
What? I can't play?
What do you say we wrap up this game
and bring it up to my room?
Minus the dickhead.
Yeah. I think I'll pass.
Could I get the beer? No?
Later? Well, okay.
- What an a-hole.
- Tell me about it.
Anyway, where were we?
(COIN PLOPPING)
Nice.
Nitrous in the hizzie!
Who wants a balloon?
Granola Bar! Can I have one, please?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
The lady needs a balloon.
There you go, darling,
that one's just for you.
- I'm gonna sit.
- All right.
Hey, here you go. Have a balloon.
This balloon's for you! Have a balloon!
No, no.
You have to inhale it.
It makes chicks crazy horny, like her.
MORRIS: Wow.
(INHALING DEEPLY)
Feel the flow.
Hey, I saw a laundry room back there.
You want to go make out or something?
- Oh, my God! Are you serious?
- Yeah.
I haven't heard a line like that since,
like, high school. Later.
You've got flat tits!
Do you mind?
What? Yeah, absolutely.
Have a... Have a sip.
Or down the whole thing.
That's cool. Whatever.
(BURPING)
I'm so getting laid.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Excuse me. Excuse me!
What's up? How's it going?
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
You're bigger than me.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
This is awesome!
Wait. What was that?
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Shit! I think someone's coming.
- No, no, no. The bed, the bed!
- What?
- I'm not gonna fit under there!
- You'll fit!
- I will not fit under this bed.
- Get under!
(DOOR OPENING)
Are you sure this room's okay?
It's fine. Relax, okay?
Everyone's downstairs.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Positive.
GIRL 1: I'm just a little nervous, you know?
I've never really been with a girl before.
GIRL 2: Don't worry.
I'll be gentle. I promise.
(INAUDIBLE)
Morris, maybe it's because
I'm really high right now,
but I will just go for this.
Go for what? You want another...
Sorry. Your hand is down my pants.
I know. Just relax.
Sweet!
Oh, God! That feels so good!
- Your hands are like butter!
- Are like butter.
You know, normally,
I'd be doing this to myself,
but this is way better.
Plus, I don't have to worry
about my mom walking in, and...
Heather? Hello?
(SNORING)
Damn it! So close!
(SIRENS BLARING)
Cop!
- What's your problem?
- Hey, come on.
- Run!
- Who is that?
Party's busted! Everybody run!
GIRL: That sucks.
(GIRL MOANING)
GIRL 1: That feels so good.
GIRL 2: I almost forgot.
GIRL 1: You carry that with you?
GIRL 2: They don't call it
a pocket rocket for nothing.
(INAUDIBLE)
(VIBRATOR BUZZING)
GIRL 1: You got it?
GIRL 2: Yeah. I got it. Where were we?
(GIRL 1 MOANING)
GIRL 2: I didn't know you were so kinky.
GIRL 1: Yeah!
Kiss me. Kiss me now.
- GIRL 2: Really?
- Kiss me!
Do it!
- What was that?
- GIRL 2: I didn't hear anything.
- GIRL 1: Are you sure?
- Yeah. Just relax.
What the fuck do you know
about welfare reform?
MAN: Come on down and check it out.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
So, I don't really know what this means,
but Amy says that she's under the bed
with your friend Carter.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Should I be worried?
- Yeah, definitely.
Okay.
Wait a second.
Why aren't they on top of the bed?
That's a good question.
So what are you guys? Freshmen?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we're freshmen. Yep.
What's your major?
Uh...
- Photography.
- Really?
I love photography.
I really suck, but that's cool.
I heard they have
a really great program here.
Yeah. It's supposed to be
one of the best in the country.
Maybe you can give me
a lesson sometime.
Yeah, sure.
(DOOR CLOSING)
That was so hot.
Please tell me you're as horny
as I am right now.
- Hornier.
- Good.
BEARCAT: What's up, man?
Wow, motherfucker,
I can't believe we did that shit last night.
What the...
Christmas came early!
(VIBRATOR BUZZING)
(BEARCAT MOANING)
- Here we are.
- Yep. Here we are.
You know, you're different
than most college guys.
Well, you know,
I don't even really feel like a college guy.
Yeah. I could tell.
But it's a good thing.
- Maybe I'll see you around.
- Yeah.
- I hope so.
- Okay. Bye.
In the night sky
In the night sky
In the night sky
In the night sky
It used to be home
- Kevin!
- Jesus, what?
What do you want?
Morris. Wake up, sleepy.
Holy shit. Did we...
Heck, yeah! All night long.
(GROWLING)
Give it to me again, big boy!
This is the greatest day of my life.
Hey, Dad. Dad! What are you doing here?
You missed your interview, Morris.
You blew it, the scholarship, Fieldmont,
everything.
(SCREAMING)
Shit!
The interview!
Give it up
Give it up
Give it up
Give it up
Apparently, Mr. Hooper's a no-show.
MORRIS: Thank God!
You're still here. I'm sorry I'm late.
Now, behind me is the bronze statue
of a revolutionary war hero,
General W.S. Fieldmont.
It has become one of
the most sacred landmarks of our time.
My life is over.
My parents are gonna disown me.
- Dude, they probably didn't even notice.
- Didn't notice? Did you see my face?
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, dude, I did.
That shit was so funny.
Whatever, dude. Just kiss
the scholarship bye-bye and move on.
And where the hell is Kevin, by the way?
You know, he should've been here by now.
This is his campus tour.
He probably just hooked up last night.
At least someone did.
You don't think
something happened to him, do you?
Dude, it's college.
What could possibly happen to him?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Looking good, Kev.
A lot hairier than I thought you'd be.
- Check it out.
- Hey!
- Nice diaper!
- Looking good, buddy!
Okay. This is really embarrassing.
Yeah, it's not really
the highlight of my day either, Carter.
Why would they do this to you?
I don't know. Because they can, I guess.
There's some clothes in my car. Try...
Maybe we should just go home.
We're not going anywhere, all right?
Not yet.
Why not? What are you trying to prove?
I'm not trying to prove anything.
I'm just trying to have fun.
Amen to that! God, I love the new Kevin!
You call this having a good time?
I'll get back at them.
It could have been worse.
What could be worse than getting
duct-taped naked to a statue all night?
Hey, what's up, Gina?
It's that boring guy you dumped!
Fieldmont rocks!
(KEVIN WHOOPING)
Dude, maybe the message
didn't even send.
You know what?
Whatever, I'm kind of hoping it did.
Really? Well, in that case,
let's do like a whole Kevin party series.
- We'll post it online...
- Yeah, dude, don't push it.
Okay.
Come on, Morris.
Being stuck here isn't the worst thing.
You know, I mean,
it's probably for the best.
How's it for the best?
Because if you went home now,
you know exactly what would happen.
Yeah! Your parents would go ape-shit
on your ass for blowing the big interview.
And now at least you could probably talk
to that Dean Chandler guy.
You know, explain what happened.
You really think that would work?
I think it's worth a shot.
What do you have to lose?
And you may see that Heather chick again
and get more than a half hand job.
I think he'll definitely see her again.
(CARTER EXCLAIMS)
Yeah.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
By the way, I sort of accidentally
told Kendall we were in college last night.
Looks like those high school fuckers
aren't as stupid as we thought.
They got front row seats to nipple city.
Motherfuckers!
It's part of the whole
sorority experience.
Fraternities throw parties,
and we have charity events.
Nice! Are any of them naked?
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
All right, bitches, you're up!
This isn't social hour!
So I guess you better go, huh?
Yeah, but maybe if you're lucky,
we'll let you guys buy us
a few beers tonight at Bruno's.
- What's that?
- A bar.
Wait. You guys do go to bars, right?
- Bars? Yeah. All the time.
- Every day. I'm always at the bar.
Just make sure you bring this guy.
- This guy?
- Me?
Yeah, you.
Last night was the first frat party
I actually enjoyed.
Because of me?
- Okay.
- Well, we'll see you guys tonight then.
Hey, I was thinking maybe we could,
you know,
finish what we started last night.
Maybe.
Just try not to pass out on me this time.
God, that girl fucking rocks.
- Kev?
- Yeah?
On a scale of one to ten,
I like boobies at, like, 9,000. Seriously.
What's up, fellows?
Hey, Kevin!
Heard you and the General got a
little cozy last night. Jesus Christ!
Yeah. Yeah, that was a good one, Teague.
Hey, I don't suppose you know
what happened to my car, do you?
- So that's how it's gonna be, Teague?
- That's right, pre-frosh.
In fact, we got a job
for you three douche bags.
What kind of job?
Nothing much. We're just gonna need you
to clean the house for our party tonight.
Maybe wash my car.
You know how I like to keep my ride clean.
Where did I put them keys?
(EXCLAIMING)
- Fuck that! No!
- Am I sensing some hostility?
Wait, are you guys serious?
Well, you guys didn't think
your room and board
were gonna be free here, did you?
We're not cleaning your house!
No fucking way!
Well, maybe your little girlfriends
over there would like to find out
you guys are still in high school.
How do you know
we didn't already tell them?
Because if you did, they wouldn't be
giving you the time of day, you little dicks.
Better get to work now, boys!
TEAGUE: Pick the keys up.
Boom!
And Kevin? Kevy?
Don't waste your time with Kendall.
You don't want my sloppy seconds,
do you?
Unless you're into that?
You fucking sicko! Go inside.
Dude, why do we have to clean?
Don't they got pledges to do this shit?
Dude, I think this weekend
we are the pledges.
(BEER SONG PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING)
Don't let them take it all away
I'm down on my luck
I'm out on the streets
I'm at wit's end
I've nearly been beat
See they've taken my home
They've taken my wife
They've taken my job
And they've taken my life
But there's one thing
That they will not take
That I will hold till the end
Until my dying day
'Cause it's part of me
And it's time that we say
They will not take it all away!
Don't let them take it all away
It's getting harder every day
Brothers, sisters, hear me say
I'm pounding the pavement
Through thick and thin
Good times and bad
I just can't win
I've been beat on, kicked on
Insulted to my face
The whole bleeding world thinks
I'm a bleeding disgrace
Yeah, they can own my body
But they'll never own my mind
So they better face the facts
'Cause now is the time
Till we all join hands
And all of us say
They will not take it all away
That's really funny.
'Cause I've been cleaning all day,
so you think that it'd be funny
to come in and throw a cup down.
Because I've been working really hard
and you want to ruin that for me.
I love that! You're just...
You're so fucking cool, you bitch.
Yeah, get some, you punk-ass bitch!
Come here, you steaming fuck!
- I don't know if this is a good idea.
- You want that scholarship, don't you?
Go on.
Come on, man! You can do it!
I believe in you! You're the coolest, bro!
- Yeah, he's totally fucked. Yep.
- Yeah, totally.
Shit! Run away!
Let's just say that this morning was,
well, rather shocking.
Heck, I didn't even know
what some of those words meant.
I had to search the Internet for them.
But I guess that's what happens
when you choose to stay at a frat house,
rather than the dorm room
we assigned you.
I know, sir. It was a bad choice.
Christ, if I had my way,
I'd kick every fraternity off this campus.
Do you know that those animals
suck nitrous oxide
out of balloons just to get high?
Really? That's just awful!
(CHUCKLING)
Mr. Hooper, there is no doubt
that you are academically gifted,
but the scholarships we give out here
are about much more than just that.
Dean Chandler, that's me.
My family has a long history at Fieldmont,
and I'd like to continue that legacy.
Well, you know, son, I guess
you're gonna have to prove it to me.
For, as of right now, Mr. Hooper,
you and your scholarship
are hanging by a thread.
God! You're so lame!
Dude, where have you been? It's go time!
Relax! Relax!
I just had to run a little errand.
All my years of hard work
have finally paid off! That's my boy.
- Nice.
- What's wrong, Morris?
What's wrong?
I'm having a breakdown, Kevin!
Or have you forgotten what that feels like?
- I understand, man.
- What am I gonna do?
Somehow, I have to convince the Dean
that I actually want to go here.
Well, look, there's nothing
you can do about it tonight, all right?
- So let's just go get our girls. Here.
- This doesn't even look like me.
Whatever, Morris. Just tell the bouncer
you don't photograph well.
Let me see it.
Dude, this will totally work!
You guys are both just so ugly.
You're a little uglier, but it'll be good.
Don't worry about it.
(LAUGHING)
Laquisha?
Man, you actually expect me
to buy that your name is Laquisha?
You know what? I like how you roll, dog.
You in.
Shit!
- Sorry, guys. No dough, no go.
- Fuck!
Let the ladies through.
Let the ladies through.
Let the ladies through.
- What was that? They didn't pay.
- Did you see the size of those racks?
- No.
- Yeah, you big, big man.
You like that when
I squeeze them together for you?
I said no.
I cannot believe
those assholes ripped us off.
They've done pretty much
everything else to us so far this weekend.
Why not that?
Man, do you think this is
what it's going to be like
- when we're really in college?
- Who knows?
Well, we probably won't all be together.
I know that.
God, Morris, you're such a fucking baby!
Would you stop being a girl?
- Would you please just shut up?
- What? It's true!
Think about it, guys. This is it!
Senior year.
Man, he's right. This is it.
You know, all the more of a reason
to take advantage of being here.
All right, I'm not sitting around.
Come on, you guys!
Where are you going?
What do you think?
We've got a frat party to go to. Come on!
- What about the girls?
- Shut up.
(MORRIS GROANING)
- It hurts.
- Morris, let's go!
Come on.
- Wait for me!
- You're so slow! You're so slow!
MAN: (SINGING) I was on my way up
She was on her way down
And I didn't know I crossed that line
Make me sick to my stomach
When I think of that woman
Sitting in this cell of mine
I said, "Goddamn, I'm only a man"
Give me 15 years to life
Jailbait
(JAILBAIT CONTINUES PLAYING)
(SLICE OF LIFE PLAYING)
GIRL: Come on, cowboy.
MAN: Yeah!
GIRL: You guys ready to celebrate?
All right!
Where's my whip?
You want to be my bitch, huh?
Pass it on.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Fellows, it's not polite to stare!
- What the fuck, man? What's up?
Ladies, I want you to meet
some very special guests.
- Hi, boys.
- What's up?
- Hi, cutie.
- Me? Hi.
Wait. You're the Penthouse
Pet of the Year.
Mmm-hmm.
- (STAMMERING) And you're...
- On the cover of Penthouse Letters.
Fellows!
Good for you for staying current.
(SIGHS)
Where were we? Where were we?
Where were...
Yeah, that's right. Ladies?
These guys were nice enough
to pay for all this.
Wait a second. That's what you did
with our money? You paid for this party?
Hey, kegs aren't cheap these days,
my man.
Neither are the circus animals
we got coming later.
Wait! You couldn't have paid for this.
We didn't even have
that much money in our wallets.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. What's up with that?
Luckily, you guys had some plastic.
God, my parents gave me that
in case of an emergency.
Well, good thing they got
such a high limit!
We almost maxed those puppies out.
Especially on this guy.
Verne Troyer?
- That's Mini-Me.
- Verne!
- Why do you keep hitting me? Fuck!
- Shut up, bitch!
Fucking Mini-Me.
It was Bearcat's idea.
God, I love that guy.
Anyhow, we've gotta go be social.
You douche bags have fun. Okay? Okay.
Babies?
That was so weird, but so hot!
Dude, she grabbed my nipple!
Dude, she twisted my nipple, dude!
So, basically, this is our party.
- Yeah. In a roundabout way, I guess it is.
- Why don't I like where this is going?
Come on, Morris! I mean, we paid for it.
We may as well enjoy it.
- That's my boy!
- Come on! Who wants to keg stand?
Me! Me! I'm first!
I wanna go first! Please.
(LET'S GO GET WASTED PLAYING)
- Have you ever done one of these before?
- No, but it looks like fun, huh, man?
Yeah. Real fun.
All right, here,
make sure you get a good shot.
Wait, I thought you didn't want
to send Gina any more videos.
I changed my mind, all right?
Wait till she sees this one.
- Nice!
- Kev, come on.
What's happening?
You don't have to do this.
Yeah, I do, Morris, all right?
And you should lighten up and do one, too.
Yeah, fuck nugget.
Me? No way. That's a bad idea.
- I'm already on thin ice with the Dean.
- Whatever!
You know what? I think I'm gonna go
and find something non-alcoholic to drink.
You guys have fun puking on yourselves.
Okay. We will, buddy. I love you!
Call me later. Be safe.
- All right, whatever. Let's do this thing!
- All right.
Yeah. Be careful with him, guys.
He's fragile.
Bitches spit, Kev. Bitches spit.
- Hey, is there alcohol in there?
- In the punch?
No, not at all.
In fact, this is non-alcoholic
for our designated drivers.
- Really?
- Big old Bearcat wouldn't lie to you.
After last night, I feel like we bonded.
In fact, if you don't believe me,
have a taste.
Hey, can I have some punch?
Hey, safety first.
- Another designated driver.
- Thank you.
- Wow! It's pretty good.
- Drink up, buddy. You look thirsty.
Thanks, Bearcat. You're all right.
Listen to me. If anybody,
and I mean anybody,
fucks with you tonight, find me.
I got your front.
- Don't you mean "back"?
- If that's how you want it.
If you feel something
moving in your pants, don't fight it!
Who's fucking on my floor?
- Heather!
- I know you!
GIRL: Hey, Teague, who's the blonde?
Hey! Kendall! I'm glad you made it.
Let me get you girls some beers.
No, thanks, Teague. Not now.
If you're looking for who I think
you're looking for, don't bother.
He's a loser, him and his little friends.
Are you really that jealous?
You had your chance, Teague,
and thank God you blew it.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Yeah!
- I wanna drink! I wanna drink!
- Fuck, yeah!
- You are so awesome!
- Verne!
- Verne! Hey, Verne!
- Fuck you, prick!
- I love you, too!
- Hey, man, did you get that one?
- Dude, you fucking drained the thing!
- Holy shit. Oh, hey, hey! Look, look!
- Ladies!
Hey, Kendall! Kendall, hey!
What's up, ladies?
We were hoping you guys would show up.
Yeah, we waited at the bar
tonight for, like, two hours.
Yeah. Way to blow us off.
Amy, girl, you know
I'd never blow you off.
Especially last night, you know,
after the lesbian thing.
Hey, hey, look, the bouncer
wouldn't let us in, 'cause our IDs sucked.
We got in just fine,
and we don't even have ID.
Yeah, but, see, you guys got tits,
and those things are like gold.
Hey, but you know what?
You know what we're gonna do?
Let us make it up to you, okay,
'cause you still need those beers, right?
- I think you've had plenty.
- Me? Come on! Please!
I'm just getting started.
All right, well,
I'm gonna get you those beers.
We're gonna get you the beers.
- So don't move.
- Let's go!
- Excuse me, boobies! Look out!
- Wait. Where's Morris?
(HORN HONKING)
- Cocksucking motherfucker!
- Fuck you!
Come on back and fight like a man!
MAN: (SINGING) So, let's go
And get wasted
Let's go
Let's go
And get high
Let's go
(EXCLAIMS)
Look who's here!
Little high school friends.
Hey, come on, don't be a dick, Teague.
Fill us up.
- What'd you say?
- I said fill us up, fucktard.
Or is that too complicated for your small...
Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
He meant that in the nicest way possible.
Stop being an asshole, Teague,
and give them our beer.
So you want some beer for your ladies?
All right.
You know what? You guys put up with
a lot of shit these past couple of days,
and you deserve this beer.
In fact, hold on.
(GROANS)
Hey, everybody, listen up!
I've got a quick announcement to make!
- Lay off, Teague.
- Trust me, Kendall. You're gonna love this.
See these guys right here?
These guys are pre-frosh.
(CROWD BOOING)
- That's right! They're high school kids!
- High school?
High school?
All right, come on now, once upon a time
we were high school kids, too.
- No way!
- Come on.
Grow up!
All right, shut up!
These guys are cool.
They're good guys
who want a beer and a good time.
Give them one.
Here it is. Your beer.
What the fuck?
Stop peeing on me! What are you doing?
Would you fucking stop peeing on me,
you little shit?
Say what?
Nobody talks to my bear kitten like that!
What me and him got,
you'll never understand.
Pick me up, bitch!
Stop calling me bitch! This is my frat.
You're embarrassing me.
And now let's get fucked up!
(CROWD CHEERING)
- Kendall, wait!
- Nice one.
- Oh, my word, that was fun.
- (LAUGHING) That's not dancing.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
They can't dance.
Jim! Look out!
- Sweet Jesus! That was close!
- Hi! Dean Chandler!
Just the guy I wanted to talk to.
CHANDLER: Oh, my God!
(ALL URINATING)
I'm so dead.
Yeah, well, at least you didn't get
beer poured on you by about 300 people.
Yeah, Kendall looked
pretty pissed back there, huh?
Pissed?
Dude, it looked like she was gonna
shoot fucking daggers out of her eyeballs.
Kev? Kev! Where you going?
I'm gonna go apologize.
You coming with me?
Hey! Shut the fuck up!
This is my favorite part! Watch this shit!
MAN: Dude.
BEARCAT: There's Goose! There's Goose!
(LAUGHING)
Shit, that's funny!
Hey, play that shit again!
Play it in slow-mo!
- You guys do this shit for fun?
- All day, every day.
- Butch up, Goose! Stop being a pussy!
- Yeah!
I just saw those high school kids
heading over to the sorority house.
Just saying.
No way.
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
What?
- Can I talk to you alone for a minute?
- Why? So you can tell me more lies?
- No, thanks.
- Hey! Wait!
- Come on, I leave tomorrow.
- You know, I thought you were different.
But you're just like the rest of them.
Have a nice drive.
College blows!
You think I'll ever see Heather again?
Probably not, Morris.
I pretty much blew it for all of us.
So that was my last shot
to score with Amy.
All I wanna do is bang
one college chick this weekend.
Is that so much to ask?
What the hell?
MORRIS: My glasses! My glasses!
Get them in the van! Get them in.
Get them in.
- TEAGUE: You pukes are worthless.
- Worthless!
Nothing but a bunch
of goddamn high school kids!
Goddamn high school kids!
I can't believe we're even out here
wasting our time on you.
Wasting our motherfucking time!
Dude, what's with the repeating?
It's fucking killing me.
Sorry! It's stupid. Can I get a hug?
Just go stand over there
and look fucking mean.
Do the growl thing.
Come on, man, I'll jeeper creeper
these motherfuckers. Hug me.
(BARKING)
We got beer to drink.
So it's been fun, kind of.
By the way,
have you guys ever seen
a pig stampede before?
- Fucked up. Pig stampede.
- Pig stampede!
- ALL: Pig stampede! Pig stampede!
- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!
- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!
- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!
- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!
- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!
(PIGS SQUEALING)
BEARCAT: Get out of the front seat, bitch!
I called shotgun!
(GUN FIRES)
Shit! Run!
(GROANING)
Keep running, you little sicko pig fuckers!
(GUN FIRES)
This sucks.
Yeah, thanks for
stating the obvious, Carter.
You know, I never thought I'd say this,
but I think I actually miss high school.
- What, Kevin?
- Nothing. Forget it.
Don't forget it. If you have
something to say, fucking say it!
Okay, fine, you want it? Here it is.
You're full of shit, Carter!
I'm full of shit?
Yeah! You're always talking
such a big fucking game, man.
You know what? Newsflash!
He's never even been laid.
- So, that's how it's gonna be, huh, Kevin?
- No, no, no. Wait. You're still a virgin?
- (LAUGHING) Man! This is great.
- Yeah, whatever, Morris! Shut up!
You know what, Kev? Stop dumping on us
'cause the weekend didn't turn out
the way you thought it would!
Yeah, probably because
I've been listening to you too much.
Yeah, 'cause it was my idea to try
to prove Gina wrong and lie to Kendall!
- That was all you, man!
- Guys, come on. Let's not fight.
You know what? Stay out of it, Morris!
You're not part of this!
I'm not part of this?
This was supposed to be yours
and my weekend here.
Dude, whatever.
I didn't mean it like that.
No, but while we're comparing
shitty weekends,
here's one for you.
My face got written on
before my scholarship interview,
a pig just snacked on my nuts,
and, oh, yeah,
I almost forgot about this one,
I puked on the Dean's car,
which pretty much means
that I'm not getting my scholarship!
God, Morris! Ever since you got here
you whine, whine, whine
about your fucking scholarship.
You don't even want to go here.
It's not about what I want!
You know how my parents are!
Yeah, well, then grow some fucking balls
and stand up to them.
It's not that easy.
Hey, man, what's next?
They're gonna choose what job you take?
- What girl you marry?
- Dude, lay off, Kev!
That's a first.
You're sticking up for Morris, man?
- You bag on him more than anyone.
- That's not true and you fucking know it!
Ha!
Okay, you know what, Morris? Fuck you!
That's the last time
I ever have your fucking back!
You know what? Fuck you, too, Kevin,
for dumping all your bullshit on us.
All right, fine, Morris.
Yeah, walk away with him.
Why don't you hold his hand
while you're at it?
- Fuck you, Kevin.
- Dropping the F-bomb, big man.
What is that,
the first time you ever used it?
I'm telling your parents!
Fuck!
MAN: (SINGING) We do not know
How things work
How things work
We do not know
Where you go
In the night
Through the door
Through the door that holds you
Through the door that holds you
Out of the blue
We do not know
The door that holds you
Silent as glue
We stand under it
But we don't understand it
The door that holds you
Silent as glue
And stars fall on
Stars fall on
Silent as glue
- Nice look.
- This? Yeah, thanks.
So...
- Look, about what happened...
- Don't even go there.
- Just let me explain.
- I really don't want to hear it, Kevin.
I don't even know who you are.
Yeah, to be honest,
I'm not even sure I know anymore.
Maybe it's time you figure that out.
You know, high school, college,
it wouldn't have mattered to me.
Yeah, I know. It's so stupid.
You know, I came down here thinking
I needed to change who I was.
Lying to you was just part of it.
I thought you were pretty great.
Why would you want to change that?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Like, I mean,
I kind of liked who I was, or I am.
You know, a little uptight at times,
responsible.
God, I really screwed up this weekend.
You know, now Morris and Carter
are pissed at each other.
They're both pissed at me.
You just seem like the kind of person
who doesn't make mistakes.
Ha!
A couple weeks ago... Brace yourself.
I hooked up with Teague.
- Huge mistake.
- Yeah, he kinda told me.
Why not? He told the whole campus.
Why'd you do it?
I mean, with a guy like Teague?
- He is so...
- For all the wrong reasons.
He was good-looking.
He made me feel special,
and since he was a really good liar,
he made believe that it was
more than just a one-night thing.
- Ouch.
- Yeah.
It was kind of why I freaked out tonight.
I found out that you lied and
I assumed that you were just like Teague.
Oh, God, please, look,
I'm nothing like that guy.
I'm really sorry about everything.
Is this the real Kevin talking?
Or is this the new and improved
college Kevin talking?
No, this is the real me,
the uptight, responsible,
un-fun high school one.
Good. Apology accepted then.
All right, well,
I gotta go find Carter and Morris.
Before you go,
can I please give you some clothes?
- Morris? Morris, wake up!
- Kevin?
- What's with the...
- Where's Carter?
Look, you guys. I've been thinking
all night. I just want to say I'm sorry
about everything.
- You said some harsh things, man.
- Yeah, I know.
I've realized a lot about myself
this weekend, and you guys.
I didn't mean what I said.
I've just been so hung up
on what Gina told me
that I haven't even stopped to think
that, you know, maybe she was wrong.
You guys are my best friends.
I'm not gonna let some stupid weekend
at college ruin that.
Whatever, man. It's cool.
I like the boring Kevin more anyway.
Thanks, Carter. I think.
Morris?
We all said some stuff, you know?
No biggie. I'm over it.
Sorry I, like, freaked out and lost my shit.
You guys,
that was so gay.
That was like the third gayest thing
we've done this weekend.
- It's getting out of hand.
- All right, look. Does this mean we're cool?
Yeah, man. For sure.
Okay! So now that we're done arguing
like a bunch of chicks,
- what the hell are we doing out here?
- Go ahead and look for yourselves.
- Is that all our stuff?
- Yeah.
- They even threw in all our rubbers.
- Those taint-sucking ball junkies.
Yep.
- Can we go home now?
- No. Not yet.
- Dude, why the fuck would we stay?
- The weekend's over, Kevin.
It's pretty clear
we're not wanted here anymore.
Come on, you guys.
We've got to stand up for ourselves.
No, we don't. We need to go home.
Come on, man.
After all the shit we've been through?
We can't leave like this, Morris.
Besides, I can't stand up
to these fraternity assholes on my own.
All right, fuck it! If I'm not gonna get laid,
I might as well get revenge, right?
Come on, Morris.
We can't do this without you.
Come on, man. Just think about it.
Who wrote "hairy balls" on your face?
- Fraternity guys.
- Yeah.
Who made you wash their car,
drink out of some dude's belly button
and puke all over the Dean's car?
CARTER: Who stripped you naked
and made you feel
like a little bitch all weekend long?
- Fraternity guys!
- Yeah, that's right, the fraternity guys.
Look, man,
you want to stand up to your parents?
Why don't you start
by taking a stand here first?
Let's take those motherfuckers down.
Fuck!
One, two.
- Four, five...
- Dude, open the door!
Get over here!
(GROANING)
Five, four, three, two...
(SHOUTING)
- Dude, are you sure this is going to work?
- Trust me. It's physics.
Fuck.
- What the fuck?
- Nothing's happening.
Maybe the matches blew out.
(BEEPING)
(ALARM RINGING)
What the...
Shit! Fuck!
What the fuck?
Fucking pig!
Fucking shit!
(PIG SQUEALING)
Oh, shit!
- What the fuck is happening?
- There's pigs everywhere!
Fuck me! God damn it!
What the fuck?
It's beer!
It's fucking beer, man!
(SIRENS BLARING)
Hey, you guys, you got to come outside!
I think the Beta Chi House is on fire
or something.
Fuck you, pig!
Nice hair cut, buddy!
- Bearcat.
- Wait!
Wait! Can I flush first, guys? Come on!
You boys are in a world of shit now.
Disturbing the peace,
destruction of property,
stealing farm animals!
What the hell are you talking about?
It wasn't us!
- It was those fuckers right there!
- Officer, we don't even go here.
No. We're just a bunch
of high school kids.
You know, Officer, frankly, I'm appalled
at the behavior on this campus.
Motherfuckers!
Fuck you!
Careful there, buddy. You've got a little
cut from a straight razor on your nipple.
Wait, wait! Wait!
- Where's my car?
- MAN: Plastic pussy stole it!
Where's my fucking car?
This was donated by
a group of our alumni.
This has made a very welcome addition
to our campus.
And I'm sure that your child will embrace
their studies...
Why don't we go ahead, guys?
Just follow me. Come on, guys.
CARTER: So, wait. You're in high school?
AMY: Yeah. I just came here to visit
for the weekend, like you guys.
- But you even drink like a college girl.
- Really? Thanks.
- So I guess this is it, huh?
- Well, it doesn't have to be.
Carter!
Spank me, tiger! Yeah!
- I guess I better...
- Morris.
Think you're gonna go here next year?
After this weekend,
I kind of feel like I already do.
Plus, I already have
a girlfriend lined up, so...
Yeah? And who's that?
Someone I met.
She plays a mean game of quarters.
So I guess that means I'll be getting
my photography lessons after all.
- So that's everything.
- I guess we should get on the road.
Wait. You know what? Hang on.
All right, guys. Let's go home.
Here comes trouble.
- Hey, Kevin.
- Hey, Gina.
So I got your video message.
Looks like you guys
had a pretty crazy weekend.
Hell, yeah!
- Yeah!
- Breath mint.
(GIGGLING)
Anyway, well,
it kind of made me think a lot
about you and me and, you know, us.
Why don't we just forget
this whole break-up thing ever happened?
What do you say?
Well...
You know,
I don't think so.
- What?
- Yeah, you see, I've moved on.
Moved on? We've only been
broken up for, like, three days.
Yeah, well, a lot can happen in three days.
And, Gina, that guy you saw?
Yeah, that's not really me.
Well, see you around.
And get a boob job, Gina. Lift.
Kevin! Wait! Seriously!
So what do you guys
want to do next weekend?
Next weekend? Aren't you grounded for,
like, the next six months?
Fuck that! No problem.
I can just sneak out.
You know,
I've got a cousin that goes to U of I.
I'll pay you $5 a sniff,
either one of your farts.
I just want to cherish
your gaseous fumes.
It can be a birthday present.
My birthday's coming up!
Yeah! Lost my shoe.
(BOYS LAUGHING)
Dude, you gotta see the shots I got
from last night's game.
I got one where Stoloff is mid-air
right over the inset...
Insectercide? Whatever the hell...
What the...
(STAMMERING)
Dean Chandler has denied our petition,
and we're still on probation.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
WOMAN: Okay, cut!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Our camping trips? Our... The school...
Thing that was awesome
that we did together. Remember that?
It was you and me. What's the line?
Looks like my years of hard work
have finally paid off!
KEVIN: What's the matter, Morris?
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I've taken some whip-its, you know,
the cracker shit.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Whatever, man.
You guys are lightweights. I don't feel shit.
- Mom's a lightweight.
- Here... Fuck you, dude!
Well, it doesn't have to be.
(CREW LAUGHING)
Is that our stuff?
Yeah. They even threw all our rubbers in.
Those scrotum-eating baby rapers.
Those taint-sucking ball junkies.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Those jizz-guzzling monkey fuckers.
You sucked in Austin Powers.
Mike Myers carried you.
You didn't even say nothing, bitch.
Dude, you're doing it wrong, anyway.
You gotta flip it, bitch.
Fucking beat you...
(CREW CHEERING)
Dude, this is so much better
than the brochure.
I know, man.
I've got a good feeling about this.
- I'm sorry, K.B. just said he had a boner.
- He said he had a boner.
WOMAN: Can we cut? Cut.
I've got to ask you a favor.
You know that book about the mice
that Miss Dangle is asking
everybody to read?
- That's way too much cereal.
- MAN: Swallow.
Twin powers, activate!
Form of a screaming...
Screaming manimal!
(SCREAMING)
Bearcat's gay and he wants to do me
I'm gonna punch his face
And then he'll sue me
I'm going home with
pussy on my pee-pee
Gonna tell my friends
That college is the shitty, yeah
Eat that shit
WOMAN: And cut!
(CREW CHEERING)