1
[Justin Bieber's
All Around the World]
All around the world
(male announcer)
This is The Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber.
All around the world
people want to be loved
With your roastmaster,
Kevin Hart,
and starring
Shaquille O'Neal,
Jeff Ross,
Natasha Leggero,
Chris D'Elia,
Pete Davidson,
Snoop Dogg,
Ludacris,
Martha Stewart,
and Hannibal Buress.
All around the world
people want to be loved
All around the world
they're no different than us
The Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber.
And now, please welcome
your roastmaster, Kevin Hart.
[cheers and applause]
All right, hey.
Y'all better clap.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Kevin Hart,
and welcome
to The Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber.
Here's the thing,
Justin Bieber has
tens of millions of fans.
I mean, most of them
are either in middle schools
or standing at least
500 feet away from one.
I mean...
It's the truth. I'm not saying
anything that's not the truth.
He's a worldwide superstar.
There's even
a wax figure of Justin
at Madame Tussauds
in London.
It's incredibly lifelike.
I've seen it.
He's face down
in a wax Usher's lap.
It's--it's weird.
That's a dick sucking joke.
We off to a start.
Yeah.
It's gonna get dirty tonight.
Tonight--Here's the thing.
Tonight we're gonna do
what his parents
and the legal system
should have done
a long time ago.
We're about to give this boy
a ass-whupping that he deserves.
We are.
We are!
Why invite me if you
don't want it to get ugly?
I don't understand that.
I mean, come on,
we got the right dais to do it.
We got Ludacris.
We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq.
This is crazy.
Usually, when I see this many
brothers sitting together,
Maury Povich is about to open
an envelope.
I've never seen
anything like it.
Shaq, take that dumbass look
off your face.
You look stupid.
Here's my question.
Shaq, how did you even
end up on a roast?
That's what I want to know.
They must've called up
the NBA pregame show
and said, "You know what?
Send us the third funniest guy.
"Wait, he's not available?
Send us Shaq.
Let us get Shaq then."
My man Snoop Dogg is here.
There he is.
Yeah.
Wait, wait,
let me clear something up
for all the young people
here tonight.
Snoop Dogg is a rapper.
Yeah, that's my aunt's
favorite rapper.
You know--
For all the black people
that are confused
about that old white woman
on the couch,
that's Martha Stewart.
Yeah, right there.
That's Martha Stewart
right there.
Martha, do me a favor and put
your ankle bracelet on vibrate
so we don't have no problems
during the show.
But, Martha,
understand something.
Tonight, it's about
another blond bitch.
It's about Justin Bieber.
That's who we're talking about
tonight.
That's who we're talking
about tonight.
So now, why don't we do this.
Why don't we go and take a look
at his huge success
that confuses everyone
over the age 14.
Roll security footage
right now.
Our next guest has
a mind-boggling 80 million views
on YouTube,
and he's only 15 years old.
And I was like,
baby, baby, baby, oh
Like, I thought
you'd always be mine
I'm gone
That's how you do it.
Find me somebody to love
(female news reporter)
Justin Bieber is one of
the biggest
pop stars on the planet.
(Drake)
Now I'd like you to welcome
my brother to the stage.
He goes by the name
of Justin Bieber.
- Justin Bieber.
- Justin Bieber.
(Justin)
I love you so much.
[police siren blaring]
(female news reporter)
Speeding down the 101 freeway,
pop star Justin Bieber
was stopped by police.
(male news reporter)
The Boyfriend singer
had just returned home
from an overseas concert tour
when he began racing his Ferrari
through the streets.
If I was your boyfriend
I'd never let you go
(girl) I think about him
99% of my life.
I saw him in the car.
That was the most amazing
moment of my life.
Best moment of my life!
Justin Bieber said
that he hoped Anne Frank
would have been
a Belieber.
That's right,
I didn't make that up.
I couldn't have made that up.
If I was your boyfriend
Ow.
(female news reporter)
Bieber could face
battery charges
after a physical altercation
with a photographer.
What the [bleep] you say?
(man)
You watch it, man.
- What'd you say?
(man) You are [indistinct].
I'll beat the [bleep]
out of you.
(male news reporter)
He was accused of throwing eggs
at this mansion,
causing $20,000 in damage.
Were they Faberg eggs?
What did you throw?
Whoo!
(female news reporter)
Bieber is facing
multiple charges
after a wild night
in Miami Beach.
DUI alcohol or drugs,
resisting without violence,
driving with an expired
driver's license.
You're too young
to be smoking pot
and driving up and down
the highway fast!
What are you doing?
- Ah!
- What are you doing?
Whoo!
I've done some things that might
not have been the greatest.
- Really? Nothing comes to mind.
- I know, right?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
(man)
Justin Bieber has become
the new face--
or should we say body--
of Calvin Klein.
Yo, my pee-pee's in there.
As long as you love
The fanfare of what he is
as a celebrity
is only partial to what he
ultimately will be as an artist.
(Justin)
This is not the end
of Justin Bieber.
As long as you love me
[cheers and applause]
Tonight--tonight, we're
going to talk about redemption.
[gospel organ playing]
We're going to talk about
second chances and third chances
and 15th chances.
Sometimes it can be
hard to believe,
but I'm not asking you all
to believe.
I'm asking you to "beliebe."
Yes, yes.
I'm asking you
to "beliebe" in a man
with the voice
of Stevie Wonder
and the driving skills
of Stevie Wonder.
My question to the church is,
"Are you ready to beliebe?"
[cheers and applause]
No.
No, no, no.
I'll ask again.
I said,
"Are you ready to beliebe?"
[crowd cheering]
Are you ready
to become Beliebers?
[crowd cheering]
Then, ladies and gentlemen,
Justin Bieber.
[gospel music]
(all) Got to Beliebe
(Kevin) Yeah.
Got to Beliebe
He's gonna make a Belieber
A Belieber out of me
- Yes!
When you Beliebe
When you Beliebe
You will be down, way down,
on your bendin' knee
I'm gonna be a Belieber
Till the day I die
(Kevin) Yeah.
Shout "I beliebe"
from the mountain high
(Kevin) Hey.
Got to Beliebe.
(Kevin) Hey.
Got to Beliebe
He's gonna make a Belieber
A Belieber out of me
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
We killed the white boy.
The white--
Watch out. Watch out!
Let me through.
Jesus, no.
(woman)
Oh!
(Kevin)
Not like this.
Wait, wait.
He's moving! He's moving!
[all cheering]
[gospel music]
(all)
He's still alive,
We thought he died
You can't kill Justin Bieber
no matter what you try
It's time to go
on with the show
But you got to--
Got to Belie-e-ebe
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, oh.
Justin Bieber, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
(Kevin)
Nice. How you doing?
(Kevin) You're good?
- Yep.
That's good.
I'm glad that you're good.
- All right.
- Here's the thing.
Before we get off
to any roasting and any digging,
I want everybody
to understand this,
Justin Bieber really does
have it all.
I'm serious.
He has a dick and a pussy.
Justin, stand up.
Pop that thing one time.
Show 'em. Give 'em
that hermaphrodite twerk
one time.
I've seen it.
No? No?
Let's be honest.
Justin, you made a few mistakes.
You're not perfect.
He's done some things.
Dude, you got caught peeing
on a video in a mop bucket.
Why are these idiots
who work for you
taping you pissing?
That's what I don't understand.
Like, when someone's
filming you taking a piss,
if you don't want them
to tape you,
you turn around, you say,
"Turn the Goddamn camera off,"
unless it's mandatory
like Snoop pissing
in front of his parole officer.
That's different, Snoop.
That guy's got to see
your dick.
I get it.
Don't worry about it.
That's a criminal joke to Snoop
'cause he's been to jail.
You were on the cover
of Men's Health.
He's getting
a lot of slack
for taking his shirt off
all the time.
I don't get it.
I don't understand that.
Justin, let me
tell you something, man.
Okay, if you can take
your shirt off, you do it.
You do it as much
as you Goddamn can.
Seriously.
Look at Shaq--Shaq--
Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off
since high school, okay?
That's a true story.
That's a true story right there.
Jeff Ross hasn't taken
his shirt off since preschool.
True story.
Martha Stewart had her shirt off
in my dressing room.
Stop, stop, stop.
Don't get the wrong idea.
She just wanted me
to titty fuck her!
Yeah!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Stop.
I'm just trying
to loosen y'all up.
I'm sorry.
Martha, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Is that gonna affect me getting
free sheets after this, Martha?
Please.
I messed up my chance
of getting free sheets,
Goddamn it, Kevin.
Me personally, I'm not mad.
I'm not mad at Justin.
I'm not.
I'm gonna tell you
who I'm mad at.
I'm mad at his manager.
You, Scooter.
That's right.
Scooter Braun right there.
Scooter is the man that actually
discovered Justin Bieber.
Scooter Braun was
25 years old.
He was a single man
living in Atlanta alone
when he found Justin Bieber
on the Internet
in the middle of the night.
The middle of the night!
He found a little white boy
with nice hair on the Internet.
Sounds to me like Scooter was
fresh off a dick-beating session
if you ask me.
Now, I don't know
where Chris Hansen is,
but he missed one.
That's a Goddamn predator
if I've ever seen one
right there.
Now, Justin, unfortunately,
Selena Gomez,
she couldn't be here tonight.
[audience "awws"]
No, she couldn't.
She couldn't...
Just because
she didn't want to come.
There's no reason.
She just didn't want to--
She didn't want to be here.
I wish I had something better
to tell you, but I don't.
No, Selena got word
that there was rumors
of Justin dealing
with Kendall Jenner,
and that shocked me.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
That's what I said.
"What the fuck?"
I was like, "If you're gonna
deal with a Jenner,
I thought it would be Bruce."
That's what I thought.
If it was--
Just one. I'm sorry.
That's the only one.
I swear to God, guys,
no more.
It's no secret that Justin
wants to be black.
Can we all agree on that?
Justin loves the black culture.
Everybody knows that.
My thing is this,
Justin, I just want you
to come to terms with the fact
that you're not gangster.
That's Justin's
main problem, man.
You're not a gangster!
Accept that.
I mean, come on.
Orlando Bloom took a swing
at you.
That's not gangster, Justin.
It's not!
He's got a perfume
called "Girlfriend."
That's not gangster, Justin.
You threw eggs at a house.
Gangsters don't throw
fucking eggs!
Snoop, when the last time
you threw eggs
at somebody's Goddamn house?
We don't do that!
It's not gangster!
Justin--Justin sang the N-word
on a video
in a song that was
about killing black people!
That's pretty Goddamn gangster,
Justin, I'ma give you that.
That's as gangster as you get
right there.
He actually got
in a lot of trouble
when he got caught
saying the N-word on video.
That right there, that should
make you feel stupid.
Reason why I say that,
because you know who didn't
get caught, Justin?
The billion other white people
that say the N-word
every Goddamn day.
I'm talking about you, Martha.
I know you say it.
You probably thinking it
right now.
"Look at--Look at that
little nigger up there
"in his little nigger tux.
"With his little nigger shoes.
Look at him,
up there dancing."
Thankfully,
Justin avoided the usual--
I guess you could say,
former childhood mistakes.
You know, he hasn't had
a sex tape.
That's good for you.
He hasn't killed anyone.
You haven't bought a monkey.
Oh, shit, you did.
You bought a monkey.
And you abandoned the monkey
in Germany.
What the fuck was that?
Like, you abandoned a monkey
in Germany.
That was a privileged
Beverly Hills monkey.
You showed him
your lifestyle,
and then you
dropped him off in Germany?
Now that monkey's turned out
in a Goddamn German zoo
sucking rhino dick
'cause of your bad decision.
It's not about the monkey
tonight.
It's about you, Justin.
What I want you to do,
I want you to sit back,
relax,
'cause it's gonna be
a great night, man--
Not for you,
for everybody else.
We're gonna have a blast.
It's on!
You hear me, people?
It is on!
(announcer) Coming up...
- Cameras are here, Jay, go!
(announcer) Natasha Leggero...
- I'm about to kill it.
(announcer) Pete Davidson,
Shaquille O'Neal...
- Full roast mode, baby.
(announcer) Jeff Ross...
- Getting in character.
- I'm ready.
(announcer) Chris D'Elia.
- Is Ludacris ready
- is what I want to know.
- I'm 100% prepared.
(announcer) Hannibal Buress,
Martha Stewart,
and Snoop Dogg.
- Naughty, naughty, naughty,
naughty.
(announcer) When The Roast of
Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
Are y'all ready to have
a good time tonight?
[cheers and applause]
That's what I want to hear.
Okay, our first roaster
is Pete Davidson.
Now, he's the newest member
of Saturday Night Live.
This introduction is way longer
than his Wikipedia page.
Guy from New York,
it's Pete Davidson.
[techno music]
Thank you.
It's an honor to be at a roast
hosted by Shaq's dick.
Wow. Wow, Ludacris
and Snoop Dogg are here.
If I was 38,
I'd be freaking out right now.
Kev, I loved you
as black Annie.
He was so good.
Ludacris!
I don't mean you.
I mean Jeff's career.
No, no, I mean,
I've been watching these roasts
since I was nine, and
what's happening to you, Jeff?
You look like someone put
Seth Rogen in the microwave.
Martha, it's nice to see you
interacting with black people
for the first time since prison.
That's really nice.
Martha's so old, her first
period was the Renaissance.
What's up, Ludacris?
What's up, man?
You might know Ludacris
from your mom's
That's What I Call Music CD.
Come on,
let's hear it for Shaq, right?
[cheers and applause]
Thanks for being here
and taking a break
from throwing barrels
at Super Mario.
[laughs]
I'm sorry.
[laughs]
Please don't eat me.
[laughs]
I'm so afraid, you're so big.
One of the many nicknames
that Shaq has is "Superman,"
right, and much like Superman,
he pretends to be a reporter
and has never met
his real father.
No, no, no, no.
Shaq is cool, though.
Shaq has shattered
eight backboards
and 79 cervixes.
Hannibal--Hannibal Buress
is here, everybody, Hannibal.
Hannibal, of course, is famous
for exposing Bill Cosby, right,
and only for exposing
Bill Cosby.
No, he deserved it though.
Bill Cosby hurt those women
without ever caring
about the consequences--
that Hannibal Buress would
become famous.
Snoop Dogg's here.
Snoop, I love Snoop,
you know?
Snoop's son just got accepted
to play division one
college football.
Yeah. So Snoop Dogg
found out he has a son.
And now speaking of someone
who probably doesn't know
he has a son,
Justin Bieber is here.
Justin--
Give it up for him.
It really is--it's really
so cool what he's doing.
You have no idea
how awesome this is.
My cast-mate on SNL,
Kate McKinnon,
does a perfect impression
of Justin.
Perfect,
right down to the clit.
Justin has a lot of tattoos.
You have "patience" tattooed
on your neck,
and "this doesn't count"
right above his asshole.
No, no, no, but Justin's fucked
more models than bulimia.
He's the only thing they swallow
and don't throw back up.
Justin, you know,
I lost my dad on 9/11,
and I always regretted
growing up without a dad,
until I met your dad,
Justin.
Now I'm glad mine's dead.
And now for the greatest
transition
in the history of comedy,
two people from the movie
Soul Plane are here, right?
[cheers and applause]
Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was
the worst experience of my life
involving a plane.
All right, well--
No, seriously, Justin,
I just want to say how cool
it is for you to be doing this.
Like, you're the dude
for our generation, like,
and it's just so cool
to see someone our age
do exactly what he wants to do,
and you just, like,
took over the world,
and like,
it really is an inspiration.
This kid's fucking insane,
so thank you, bro.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
(Pete) I've always wanted
to make fun of him
because everybody my age
likes him
more than they like me,
and that's not okay.
(announcer)
Coming up, Natasha Leggero.
and Ludacris.
Are you ready?
(announcer)
When The Roast
of Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
All right.
Our next roaster is
a semi-famous rapper.
I'm talking about Ludacris.
His first album was called
Incognegro,
and his new album, Ludaverse,
is hopefully his last.
You may not recognize him
from the Fast and Furious movies
because when he's on-screen,
even the white people
start talking.
Please welcome one of the most
successful rappers of 2001,
Ludacris!
[Ludacris' Money Maker]
Shake your money maker
Like somebody about to pay you
I see you on my radar
Don't you act
like you afraid of Shh...
You know I got it
If you want it, come get it
Stand next to this money
Like hey hey hey
Oh, man.
Whoo.
Make some noise for Kevin Hart,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I just recently got married.
That's something to celebrate.
And Kevin was at my wedding
because I needed
a miniature black man
on my cake,
so thank you for that.
My good friend Shaquille O'Neal
is here this evening.
[cheers and applause]
Look at those big-ass feet.
Man, you got toes in different
area codes right now.
You do realize that, right?
Shaq's fingers are so big,
every text he's ever sent
is just every letter
of the alphabet
at the same damn time.
I'm just playing, Shaq,
you know.
You are truly one
of the most original rappers.
And by that I mean,
most of your CDs
are still covered
in their original wrapper.
You do--
you do know that?
I believe the Doggfather's
in the house tonight.
[cheers and applause]
Snoop, your homey Dr. Dre just
became a billionaire last year,
and you should be proud.
There's not a lot
of black billionaires.
There's Dr. Dre
and the guy
that sells you weed.
Yeah.
I mean, you are a legend,
which is a nice way of saying,
"You old as fuck."
You only do it
doggie style now
because it's easier
on your lower back.
I see you over there laughing,
Martha Stewart.
What you laughing at, huh?
She's so old, if you look
closely at the $100 bill,
you can see Martha photo-bombing
Ben Franklin in the background.
So let's get to the kid
that I've known
longer than anybody else
up here, Mr. Justin Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
He may have just turned 21,
but Justin will always be
a baby to me
since babies piss everywhere
and never know
when to shut the fuck up.
I remember one day,
I got this call saying,
"We want you to collaborate
with this little dude
who will do anything
to get famous,"
and I was like,
"Great, I love Kevin Hart."
You know?
That's my guy.
But this dude turned out to be
Justin motherfucking Bieber,
and together we dropped
a track called Baby.
[crowd cheering]
It's got over a billion hits
on YouTube.
That's because I'm in it.
It also has
4 million dislikes.
That's because he's in it.
It's like you try to roll
like a gangster, man,
but you're not tough, Justin.
I'm here to let you know, man.
I know you been on Ellen
14 times.
You act so much like a pussy
on the show,
Ellen tried to eat you.
I mean, come on.
But you've become
a music icon
like a modern day
Michael Jackson.
The only difference is,
as Michael got older,
he acted whiter.
Justin Bieber wants
to be black so bad,
he actually has seen
Kevin Hart's movies in theaters,
ladies and gentlemen.
Justin, honestly, I feel bad
kicking you while you're down,
but since you want
to be black,
you might as well
get used to it, man.
No, honestly, man,
it takes a very brave soul
to get up here,
and I just want to say,
I love you, J.B.
I'm glad that you did this.
This is a beautiful thing.
Y'all make some noise
for my man, Justin Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
[techno music]
All right.
Hey, how about Ludacris?
Come on, one time.
One time.
[cheers and applause]
Everything I know
about being a whore
in the entertainment industry,
I learned
from this next roaster.
Of course I'm talking about you,
Natasha Leggero.
You guys may have seen her
on Reno 91 as a whore on drugs.
If you didn't see that,
you may have seen her
in Neighbors
as a whore on drugs.
Everybody, I want you
to pull out some Purell
for Natasha Leggero
right now.
[cheers and applause]
[techno music]
Kevin, you look like someone
put 50 Cent in the dryer.
There is a lot of star power
up here.
These men combined
have made millions
in child support payments.
Kevin,
you are everywhere.
You know, Kevin's actually
gonna be on the next season
of Game of Thrones.
He's playing
Peter Dinklage's shadow.
[cheers and applause]
Kevin does
all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair.
He climbs
out of his own bathtub.
He goes up on his wife.
Kevin has a Napoleon complex.
Kevin, Napoleon was
the leader of France.
Ludacris,
France is in Europe.
Justin,
Europe's a continent.
Shaq, a continent is not
a free breakfast.
[cheers and applause]
You know, a lot of people
don't know this.
"Shaquille" is an Arabic name
for "handsome,"
and "O'Neal" is the Irish word
for "just kidding."
Shaq's dick is so big,
he has to use Dropbox
to send a dick pic.
When I first met Hannibal,
I was like,
"You are going to be a star,"
and when I first met Kevin,
I was like,
"No, I don't want to buy
a candy bar
to support your local
after-school program."
Ludacris, not only
is your music great,
but I love all your movie.
Jeff Ross, it's great
to see you here
once a year at these roasts.
How's the Uber driving
going?
Chris D'Elia finally answers
the question,
"What if Dane Cook had half
the talent and a rich father?"
Sorry, let me just take a second
to explain to the black guys
on the dais what a father is.
All right.
I'm excited Snoop's here.
Snoop, you look
like Shaq's skeleton.
[cheers and applause]
All these rappers on stage,
and Martha Stewart has done
the most jail time.
[cheers and applause]
Now, that's not fair.
Justin Bieber, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
Seems like only yesterday
you were discovered on YouTube.
Time flies when you're
a piece of shit.
No, Justin's fans
are called "Beliebers,"
because these days,
it's considered
politically incorrect
to use the term "retards."
Justin,
you've been on Ellen
more than a pussy juice
moustache.
Mine was better,
Ludacris.
Justin was born
to a teenage single mom.
No wonder he's got moves.
He was in the womb
dodging a coat hanger.
[crowd groans]
Justin, Selena Gomez
had to fuck you.
She is literally
the least lucky Selena
in all of entertainment
history.
No, Justin,
you're so successful.
You're so rich.
You're like our beetles.
Not the band, the bugs
that live in shit.
So...
Justin, I just want to tell you,
I think that you are
well on your way to becoming
a handsome, young gentleman,
and I really think that
things are gonna get better
after this for you,
and thank you for--
Thank you for letting me
be here and do this.
Thank you, Justin Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
(announcer)
Still to come...
- Oh!
(announcer) Shaquille O'Neal.
These hands are like
a junkie's back.
(announcer)
Martha Stewart.
I think she's got a few tricks
up her sleeve, right?
(announcer)
Snoop Dogg.
Stop yelling at me.
(announcer)
Hannibal Buress,
and Jeff Ross...
God's pissed at you.
Bill Cosby was
his favorite comedian.
[laughter]
(announcer)
When the Roast of Justin Bieber
continues.
[cheers and applause]
First of all, I can't bring out
our next roaster
without giving the attention
to Natasha Leggero
that she deserves.
Make some noise
for that Goddamn woman.
You killed.
Killed!
All right, our next roaster
is Shaquille O'Neal.
[applause]
Yeah, yeah.
He's an NBA legend
with a Doctorate of Education,
but you wouldn't know it
by the way that he pronounces
"Doctorate of Education."
Everybody,
let's get ready to mumble!
It's Shaquille O'Neal.
Thank you, Webster.
Kevin is the only celebrity
with a star
on the yellow brick road.
In case you didn't know,
I am Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq Diesel...
[whooping]
Superman, Big Aristotle,
Big Cactus, Big Galactus,
and Martha Stewart's
baby daddy.
And trust me,
Martha know how to work
that motherfucker,
boy, let me tell you.
Once you go Shaq,
you never go back.
Ain't that right, Martha?
But I'm not the only
baller here tonight.
What's up, Snoop?
How you doing, baby?
Snoop made a reggae album.
If you're a rap fan,
you may not have it.
But if you're a reggae fan,
I know you don't
fucking have it.
Look at all these scrubs
on the stage.
Chris D'Elia,
Hannibal, Natasha,
Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross--
I haven't seen a more
disappointing lineup
since the last Lakers game.
Speaking of the game,
my main man Chris Paul
from the Clippers is down there.
Hey, Chris,
way you guys playing, you ain't
gonna be getting a ring.
I got four of 'em
if you need to borrow one.
(crowd)
Oh!
You guys suck.
Jeff, how am I the one
who played 19 seasons
and you're the one
who looks like
you took 20 years of elbows
to the face?
You ugly motherfucker.
Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body
like a cafeteria lady.
Now, as many of you know,
I'm a police detective
in the city of Miami.
So, Justin, as a police
officer of the law,
I'm gonna give it
to you straight,
which I know will be
a new experience for you.
I got a questions, Justin.
What kind of bitch
eggs his neighbor's house?
You caused $20,000 in damages.
Imagine the damage
you would have caused
if you threw like a boy.
What are you doing dropping
75 Gs in a Miami strip club?
I heard the DJ
play one of your songs,
and the dancers complained
their pussies were drying up.
Justin, as a father of six,
you gotta straighten up, son.
You know, last year
you were ranked
the fifth most hated person
of all time.
Kim Jong-Un didn't even
score that low.
And he uses your music
to fucking torture people.
But thanks to that music,
Justin is worth
over $200 million...
and in prison,
four packs of Cools.
Justin got a tattoo
of Jesus on his calf.
Why you gotta bring Jesus
in your mess?
That man has suffered enough.
Seriously, Justin,
I love ya,
you're a platinum
recording artist.
Give it up.
[cheers and applause]
You're a model.
Give it up.
[cheering]
You're a sex symbol.
Give it up.
[cheering]
I just wanna say,
Justin Timberlake,
I fucking love you.
Thank you.
[upbeat music]
Shaq's hilarious.
I'm gonna have
Shaq's baby
(announcer) Still to come
on the roast of Justin Bieber,
Martha Stewart...
Actually, this is sort of
like doing a roast turkey.
(announcer)
And Chris D'Elia.
Actually, I'm up next,
so if you're gonna
change the channel,
hurry up and do it.
(announcer)
When The Roast of Justin Bieber
continues.
[cheers and applause]
[techno music]
Our next roaster
is Chris D'Elia.
Holy shit, yeah.
I know everybody's
excited about this.
If you didn't know, he's a star
of the NBC show Undateable,
and Chris's standup
is actually unwatchable.
I've seen it.
It hurts.
He is Justin Bieber's
favorite comic,
which is why he has "duh"
in the middle of his name.
Please welcome future rapist
Chris "Duh" Elia.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
No, seriously, keep it going
for the ghost of Chris Tucker,
everybody.
No, Kevin's a good guy,
and of course he's here,
because he can't say no
to anything.
Last week he hosted an ISIS
beheading video on Reddit.
What?
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck?
Hey, Shaq.
Shaq's here.
People don't realize this,
but Shaq,
those "I can't breathe"
T-shirts,
they were about Shaq's
last season with the Celtics.
Jeff Ross, hey.
How about the fact
that if there weren't roasts,
Jeff Ross would work
at IKEA?
We all do other things, which is
why we're on the roasts.
You're on the roasts because
you're on the fucking roasts.
Fuck yeah!
Ludacris, what do you do now
anyway, okay?
You were a rapper.
You make headphones
that no one listens with.
You make Hennessy
that no one drinks.
You're like a human
going out of business sale.
Snoop Dogg, what's up?
It's cool you're here.
You look like dead Splinter from
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Pete, it's really good
to see you.
50 Shades of Grey was based
on your complexion.
Pete--
[laughs]
Pete is the same race as
whatever the fuck The Rock is
and any parking attendant ever.
Justin Bieber,
the man here, huh?
Let's hear it.
[cheers and applause]
Why are you here?
This is a terrible idea.
You're about to get fucked
harder than Orlando Bloom
fucked Selena Gomez.
(audience)
Oh!
For a guy worth
$200 million,
why do you dress
like Sharon Stone in the '90s?
You look like Sisqo
fucked Peter Pan
and then got cast
on Orange is the New Black.
Baby is the most hated video
online, like, statistically
if you check that shit out,
okay,
and there are also ISIS videos
online, okay?
That means that someone saw
a video with a guy screaming,
"Death to America" and sawing
someone's head off and thought,
"Nope, still not worse
than Bieber featuring Luda
in a bowling alley."
Thank you.
Thank you,
guy half my age.
[laughs]
Seriously, man,
I'm proud of you.
You have it all.
You literally are a guy
who has it all,
except for respect,
love, friends,
good parents,
and a Grammy.
Thank you.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
Chris D'Elia.
Goddamn it, Chris,
that was dark.
That was fucking dark.
There was a couple times
where I grabbed my shirt
like, "Jesus Christ, Chris."
But we're here.
It's good though.
Justin said you were fine.
That's all that counts, right?
How am I supposed to laugh
after ISIS?
What the fuck?
Our next roaster
is Martha Stewart.
Martha.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
At the age of 73,
she's the only white woman
with more street cred
than Luda and Snoop combined.
True story.
Please welcome
five-years-to-life-style guru,
Martha Stewart,
everybody.
[cheers and applause]
First of all,
thank you, Kevin Hart.
It's really great
to be here.
Oh, there you are.
Sitting and listening to you
yell your jokes
over the last hour is
the hardest time I've ever done.
As we all know, Kevin is
one of the biggest movie stars
in the business right now,
and he deserves it.
He struggled for years.
When he finally got
his first big paycheck,
he spent $150,000
on a watch.
I forget that term for that.
It's not
"African-American rich."
It'll come to me.
[cheers and applause]
Justin,
you know the word.
I know you're all wondering
why I'm here tonight.
It's because Martha Stewart
changes people's lives
for the better,
like Shaq for instance.
When Shaq bought his house--
Shaq, are you listening?
I was the first person
he called.
The house had 13 bedrooms,
and I helped convert 8 of them
into refrigerators.
I believe the bedroom
is the most important room
in the house, but I don't
have to tell you that, Ludacris.
You have three kids
with three different women.
May I suggest pulling out
sometime, and finishing
on some fine, highly absorbent
Martha Stewart bed linens?
[cheers and applause]
It's nice to see Snoop again.
One of the highest rated
episodes on my show,
Martha Stewart Living,
was when Snoop and I
made brownies together,
and I've used his recipe
ever since.
As a matter of fact,
I ate three of them
right before they called
and asked me to do this roast.
Snoop, I see that you've been
following my beauty regimen.
You would never know
that Snoop Dogg is 43 now,
which is three times as long
as actual dogs live
and twice as long
as most of his friends.
[laughs]
I taught Snoop
that the most important thing
in business
is diversification.
Besides his music career, Snoop
now has produced a porn movie,
and by the way, Natasha,
you were great in that,
so I guess that tonight's
the second time
you've worked
with five black guys.
You know...
I do a lot of gardening,
but you are without a doubt
the dirtiest, used up ho
I have ever seen.
Natasha, when a woman is
as sexually active as you are,
they have to take special care
of their body.
I've come up with a douche
that no one has ever heard of,
you know,
like Chris D'Elia.
And, Hannibal, all night,
I've been trying to remember
who you remind me of.
Then it hit me.
You look just like
that gingerbread man
I left in the oven too long.
Let's get to the reason
I'm here tonight,
which is to give Justin Bieber
some tips to use
when he inevitably
ends up in prison.
I've been in lockup,
and you wouldn't last a week,
so pay attention.
The first thing you'll need
is a shank.
I made mine
out of a pintail comb
and a pack of gum.
I'll show you how later.
It's so simple.
I found Bubblicious works best,
and it's so much fun to say.
You see,
when I did my stretch,
all the hood rats
on my cellblock
wanted to break off a piece
of Martha Stewart's ass,
so I decided some bitch
needed to get got.
I walked
into the chow hall,
picked out
the biggest bull dyke,
and I stuck her.
From then on,
prison was easier than making
blueberry scones.
[cheers and applause]
And--[laughs]
And Shaq--
Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't
still hold a grudge.
Justin, before I go,
here's my final piece of advice.
You need to settle down,
bring some balance
into your life,
find yourself the right gal,
but she'll have to be someone
on your level,
someone powerful and famous
and rich,
someone you can smoke a joint
with or indulge
in the occasional three-way.
I'm talking about a "playa"
in the boardroom
and a freak in the bedroom.
So, Justin, my final piece
of advice is call me, or--
[cheers and applause]
Or not.
I'm out, bitch.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
(announcer)
Still to come, Jeff Ross...
Killer.
The killer.
(announcer)
And Snoop Dogg.
I'm going bodyguard hard, man.
I ain't fixin'
to play no games, man.
(announcer)
When The Roast
of Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
All right.
Martha Stewart, Goddamn.
[cheers and applause]
Our next roaster
is Jeff Ross.
Now...
I actually gave Jeff a role
in my movie The Wedding Ringer,
and he doubled the budget
because he demanded
to be paid in cake.
Right now, I want everybody
to pull out a bucket of fish
for the roastmaster himself,
Jeff Ross, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
How cool is this?
Give it up for the Biebs,
doing great so far.
[cheers and applause]
Fantastic.
This is so fun.
I never roasted somebody
with a bedtime before.
I got to give you props,
asking us to roast you.
Ballsy move, dude,
especially since you haven't
put out an album
in three years.
Come on, Biebs, what are you
doing with your life?
If you listen closely,
you can hear the sound
of One Direction
fucking your fans.
A lot of Beliebers
are upset
that Justin's
never won a Grammy.
Well, there's Martha Stewart.
She can be your Grammy.
Martha Stewart's here
because Paula Deen
refused to sit
with this many black folk.
What is this, the Comedy Central
March on Ferguson?
Martha, I want to fuck you
so bad.
I bet your pubic hair
is 50 shades of gray.
Martha went to prison
for dumping worthless stock
for idiot consumers to buy,
which reminds me,
Ludacris' new album
drops tomorrow.
But enough about Ludacris,
let's talk about "food-acris,"
Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq.
[growls]
[growls]
Shaq.
[growls]
I like to talk to him
in his native tongue.
Shaq was the original
2 Chainz,
'cause that's how he was brought
into this country.
Shaq's dick is so big,
he uses it as a selfie stick.
Love you, Kev.
You're doing
a hell of a job
as the host tonight, man.
I really appreciate
how funny you are.
I really do.
[cheers and applause]
Kevin's a big star now,
but he doesn't need private jets
'cause he likes to be
shot out of a cannon.
Kev, we've been friends
a long time.
I want to congratulate you.
I hear your girlfriend recently
got down on one knee
so you could propose, and--
How do y'all make love,
puppy style?
Chris D'Elia's here.
Chris, how you doing, man?
Chris is here
because he's
Justin Bieber's
favorite comedian.
Wow, what an endorsement.
That's like being Shaq's
favorite poet.
[laughs]
Snoop, love you, buddy.
Love you, man, so much.
You look like a retired
WNBA player.
The only person that's inhaled
more smoke than Snoop
is Pete Davidson's dad
inside the World Trade Center.
Thanks, Pete.
I'm sorry, Shaq.
I know that was your favorite
building to climb.
Shaq, [growls]
Never forget.
[growls]
Oh, this is so much fun.
I gotta give a shout-out to
one of my favorite people ever,
Dave Chappelle over there.
What's up, dude?
Don't be scared.
Watching the roast.
Super big comedy fan,
my friend.
[loud cheering]
One of the greats.
Love you, buddy.
Thank you for flying in
from South Africa
to be with us tonight.
Justin, I feel like
I'm roasting you
for the entire world tonight.
The roast fans really
want blood this time,
even though
most of your fans
haven't even gotten
their periods yet.
But if you can take a joke,
then so can the Beliebers
watching tonight,
because face it, Biebs,
you've become
a cocky little shit.
You are the King Joffrey
of pop.
[cheers and applause]
What's your rap name,
Feminem?
Selena Gomez wanted to be here,
but she's dating men now.
Is it true you dumped her
because she grew a moustache
before you?
That's right, Selena Gomez
used to bang this guy,
proving once again
that Mexicans will do
the disgusting jobs
Americans just won't do.
U-S-A! U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S--
Now there are rumors
going around
you might have been dating
Kendall Jenner.
Hi, Kendall.
How you doing, doll?
You having fun?
That's good.
What dating site did you two
meet on, O-K Stupid?
Anyway, Biebs, you have
such a huge career behind you.
But lately, a lot of people
have been pointing
their fingers at you,
and those are just lesbians
showing the barber
how they want their hair cut.
Even when you went
to Anne Frank's house,
there were fans waiting
for you outside.
I wish they were
the same people
that were waiting
for Anne Frank.
Oh, come on!
You said Anne Frank
would've been a Bieblier.
If Anne Frank
heard your music,
she would've Ubered
to Auschwitz.
And, Biebs, we've all seen
your sexy underwear commercials,
and don't worry,
you're not the first youngster
to have Calvin Klein
wedged in your asshole.
But you know what?
The best part
about taking Justin from behind
is that you can shave
half his head
and pretend
it's Miley Cyrus.
You like that one?
Justin's ass
is like a movie ticket,
'cause it was ripped apart
by an "usher."
[audience groans]
And as you sat here
taking it like a man tonight,
you were probably thinking
that none of us know
what we're talking about,
'cause you're gonna fly
out of here on a private jet
full of cash and models,
and we'll all be trying
to finger-bang Martha Stewart
at the afterparty.
And you know what, Biebs,
you're right.
You're young, you're talented,
you're famous,
and that can be
a lot of pressure,
but you're a smart man
with a good heart,
and I know
you'll never end up
like Kurt Cobain
or Amy Winehouse...
respected.
Happy birthday, buddy.
[techno music]
Good show, buddy.
(announcer)
Coming up...Snoop Dogg...
- Hannibal Buress.
- I hate everybody.
(announcer)
And Justin Bieber
when the Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
Are we having a good time
tonight? Yes?
[cheers and applause]
Our next roaster is Snoop.
Yeah, he's here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, Snoop used to
call himself the "D-O-double-G."
That's right, The Dogg.
Right, Snoop?
Back in the day, the reason why
he called himself The Dogg.
is because he was a dog
with the ladies.
It's true.
Now he's called The Dogg
because he sleeps all day
in a sun spot
on the living room floor.
Isn't that true?
That's true, Snoop.
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise
for Snoop Dogg right now.
[Snoop Dogg's Peaches 'N Cream]
That's that look
all on her face
Shorty dancing like she knows
She's the baddest in the place
Kevin, you look good
tonight, dog.
Some real shit, nephew.
You look real good.
I didn't know
the Muppets made
motherfucking clothes
for a nigger though.
Yes, sir.
Now, look,
Kevin's from Philadelphia,
right, just like Bill Cosby.
And just like Bill Cosby,
women can't tell
when Kevin's inside of them.
[crowd groans]
Yeah.
I don't need no warm-up.
I've been smoking and drinking.
I feel real good about myself.
[cheers and applause]
Yes, sir.
Now, check this out, I done
a whole bunch of roasts, right,
but they never let a real player
on stage with me until tonight.
We got Ludacris
in the motherfucking house.
Luda.
Luda!
I love that song of yours
where you said,
If you a pimp and you know it
You don't love them hos
That shit was tight.
But you know who else said
that that was tight?
Me, 15 years
before you did it,
nigger,
stop biting my shit.
But here's one of Ludacris'
original rhymes.
"There's hos in the room.
There's hos in the car.
There's hos on the stage.
There's hos by the bar."
Nigger, are you a rapper
or Dr. Seuss?
Now, this little bitty
fine little...
Natasha Leggero.
Is that how you say it,
"Leg-gero"?
- No, but that's okay.
- Le-ghetto.
That's how we say it.
I seen how you was looking at me
though, right?
What I want to know is
have you ever sucked
a black dick before?
Hey, I'm going off script
right now.
I just really want to know.
Hey.
Hey, something
about this pimping, man.
You understand me?
When I'm pimping, man,
that shit just go
every direction.
But let me talk about my homeboy
right here, Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq Daddy.
I always say that Shaq is
the greatest Laker of all time,
unless I'm chilling
with Kobe Bryant.
Ohhh!
Y'all got to excuse my little
retarded cousin right there.
Somebody get
his little helmet
and get that little yellow bus
around the side.
Hannibal Buress.
You the only Bill Cosby accuser
making money off of it.
Now, Jeff Ross,
check this out, Jeff.
Now, see, Jeff is what you call
a throwback,
because his face looks
like something
that you could have
a hook in it.
That's right,
that's a fishing joke.
I fish, motherfucker.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, dog!
Now that I've done said
what I needed to say
about all the rest of these hos
and bitches up on the stage,
it's time to talk
about the bitch of the hour,
Justin "Leave it to" Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
Justin's life changed when Usher
heard one of his songs
and liked it,
which only goes to prove
that Usher ain't black.
Now, Justin, you released
so many horrible
and unwatchable videos,
you should change your name
to Vanilla ISIS.
[crowd groans]
No, no, no.
Real shit though.
- Oh, shit.
- Real shit.
This is my nigger
right here, nigger.
Hold on, nigger,
this my nigger.
Nigger, this my nigger.
Nigger,
you had your shot, nigger.
This is my nigger
right here, nigger.
Nigger.
Goddamn, nigger, nigger,
nigger, nigger, nigger.
Now, most niggers,
like myself,
we go a little crazy
when we get famous.
Buy some dope cars,
fuck some bad bitches,
but, nigger,
you bought a monkey.
I mean, that monkey
was more embarrassed
than the one that started
the AIDS epidemic.
Now, when J-Bird
got arrested,
he had a big smile
in his mug shot.
Not because he gangster, because
he knows what goes on in jail.
Now, Justin,
you so motherfucking pretty,
when the inmates
saw your mug shot,
they swiped right.
Let me say this
to you, J.B.
Justin Bieber, D-M-B,
"damn near black."
Now see, black people, we
normally hate when white people
try to steal our culture
and be like us,
minus the discrimination,
police brutality,
and the marching and shit.
That was until Justin Bieber
came along.
We don't mind him
smoking weed in public
while sagging in the club,
pissing in the mop bucket,
drunk driving,
living in a mansion
while playing loud music
and hating the neighbors
for not welcoming change.
Welcome to the family,
my nigger.
[cheers and applause]
She 'bout to go in
She likes that low end
Damn, her ass is so big
That was Snoop Dogg,
everybody.
I just want to--You know, I just
want to take a second right now
to speak on behalf
of all the black people.
I don't--I don't know
how many niggers
we were allowed to say
in this show,
but I think--I definitely
think Snoop used them all.
Like, we're done.
Like, we're done.
Like, dude, we had, like, ten.
They gave us ten.
You used them all,
and then you blamed us.
You was like, "Yo, they got us
drinking and smoking."
No, we don't.
That's you.
It's just you.
You.
You did that.
Don't do that to us.
I want Snoop removed.
Like, if this was the block,
I would snitch.
It was him.
He did it.
He said we all doing drugs.
We drinking and smoking
back there.
No, we're not.
It's just you!
Fuck you.
Fuck you, Snoop.
I didn't do nothing.
You tried to ruin me tonight,
you son of a bitch.
You tried to--You tried to make
it a group black thing.
That's what you tried to do.
"All us niggers
up here."
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
[techno music]
She's worried
about her lipstick.
- Let me--
- Shut up.
- Let me check it out for her.
- [laughing]
(announcer)
Still to come: Justin Bieber,
and Hannibal Buress.
You're getting it.
Brrr!
(announcer)
When the Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber continues.
This is something
that I really enjoy,
and I want to be
invited back.
I love the roasts.
- Yeah!
[techno music]
Hannibal Buress is up next,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'm a fan.
I love Hannibal.
I really do.
We know why he's here,
okay,
'cause he's not happy just
destroying my childhood hero.
That's not--that doesn't
make him feel good enough.
No, no, no.
He's here to destroy my
daughter's childhood hero
as well.
I want you guys to please
welcome the man who's so slow
and drowsy that you think that
Bill Cosby drugged him.
I'm talking about Hannibal
Buress, ladies and gentlemen.
Hannibal Buress.
[hip-hop music]
What's up?
Hello.
Kevin Hart, everybody.
Kevin Hart.
Congrats on all your success,
Kevin.
I'm sure it's gonna last
forever.
It's amazing to have Kevin Hart
and Shaq here.
Is this a roast or is this Tyler
Perry's Of Mice and Men?
Shaq's a very unique player
in NBA history.
He's the first player in NBA
history to have his shoe size,
IQ, and jersey all be
the same number.
Shaq is a police officer
in Florida.
If you want to escape from Shaq,
just jog slowly away from him
'cause that's--
And he'll fall eventually.
Snoop is here.
Snoop Dogg.
Snoop D-O-double-G.
Snoop is like a cool-ass
salamander.
Snoop's like a rejected
Mortal Kombat boss.
"Now you have to fight
fake Crip."
Snoop is good at social media,
but he's bad at music now.
Snoop, the only way you'll get
another hit is if you stand
behind Suge Knight's car
in a parking lot.
Chris--I don't know if
you know this about Chris.
He doesn't smoke weed.
He doesn't drink.
He's never done any drugs.
His only vice is performing
horrible standup comedy
all around the country.
Speaking of horrible comics,
Jeff Ross is here.
Jeff Ross.
Jeff, you look horrible.
Jeff looks like a combination of
every "before" picture ever.
Jeff only does roasts.
Congratulations on being the
only person on this stage
that's making 95%
of your yearly income today.
It's good to see Comedy Central
diversifying its talent
with whatever race
Pete Davidson is.
You just look real--
You're just real vague, man.
You have a weird, vague-ass
face, and I don't like it.
I don't like
your face at all, man.
You seem like a nice person,
but when I talk to you,
I don't have fun.
Pete.
Pete has got a lot going on.
Pete, I don't know how you can
juggle SNL, standup,
and Lorne Michaels' balls
in your mouth
all at the same time.
An amazing multi-tasker
Pete Davidson is.
Natasha Leggero is here
which means that right now
there's a bachelor party
discovering
that their cake is empty.
I'm not saying that
Natasha's a whore,
but I'm saying that Shaq can fit
both feet in her pussy.
And now the man of the hour.
Justin Bieber,
you dainty wigger, you.
Justin Bieber.
They say that you roast
the ones you love, but I don't
like you at all, man.
I'm just here 'cause this is
a real good opportunity for me.
Justin, oh, you gotta
give it up for Justin.
He started from the bottom,
and he's still a bottom.
I don't like your music, man.
I'm not a big fan of it.
I listened to some of it.
I'm not a fan.
I don't like your music.
I think it's bad.
I think it's bad, man.
I don't like it.
I hate your music, man.
I hate your music more than
Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
Yo, Justin, man.
Well, this has been cool,
and despite
all those foul things I said,
you seem like
a sharp businessman,
and, uh...
this is real cool
that you did this
and let all these strangers
shit on you
in front of all these
people,
and I actually like
that song Confident.
That's a good song.
I like that song.
So thanks for letting me do it,
and congratulations, man.
All right, later, y'all.
Hannibal just killed me.
(announcer)
Up next,...
Ahh!
Catch me, Kevin!
(announcer)
Justin Bieber gets revenge...
Let's do this.
- Everybody in here?
- I'm not in it.
[techno music]
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would give an introduction,
but I don't need to.
Ron Burgundy.
[cheers and applause]
Listen, people.
Listen, listen.
I don't have a lot of time,
all right?
I don't have a lot of time.
I'm currently over at
stage 24
hosting Spike TV's
"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch"
awards show.
Some real clever writing,
great energy over there.
Boy, have we got a great gang of
talented comics here tonight.
We've got Tom Dreesen,
Willie Tyler, and Lester.
I didn't realize Lester
was a live human being.
Gary Mule Deer,
Fannie Flagg,
top notch.
Star-studded evening.
Listen, I'm just gonna cut
to the chase.
Justin Biber--Justin Bieber,
you've been taking it
on the chin tonight.
You really have.
In fact, absolutely abused,
and I'm just here
to say one thing.
You people don't know what
the hell you're talking about.
As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doing it right.
Here's a couple things I know.
September 1st, 2014, Bieber
arrested for a collision with
a minivan in his hometown
of Stratford, Ontario, Canada,
and then beat up
the occupant of the minivan.
Nice work!
October 18th, 2010,
Bieber accused of assaulting
a 12-year-old
at a laser tag arena.
Kaboom!
I only wish the kid was
a nine-year-old.
March 28th, 2013,
Bieber flies into Munich
with his pet monkey, Mally,
doesn't have the proper
paperwork,
so he leaves it at a zoo
in Germany.
It's a monkey.
It's named Mally.
Don't think twice--
you leave it at a German zoo.
March 4th, 2013, two hours late
to a concert in Dubai
because he refused to stop
playing a video game.
Say what?
Hocked a loogie
at his neighbor
after the guy complained that
Bieber was driving 100 mph
in his gated community
neighborhood.
Eat that, bitch!
July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees
in a restaurant mop bucket.
As he runs off, he sprays
a photograph of Bill Clinton
with a bottle of blue liquid
and yells,
"Fuck Bill Clinton!"
There's not a person in
this room who hasn't done that,
you hypocritical assholes.
This kid has spunk,
moxie,
and probably
a few other STDs, okay?
I've always encouraged people
to stay classy,
and what's more classy
than hanging out
with Floyd Mayweather?
Would I love to see Biebs
spending time
with Oscar Pistorius?
Of course I would,
but that day will come.
People refer to
Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy,
but here's a newsflash, gang.
He's a man,
a full-grown man
who works and loves
and makes things
with his hands,
a man who sings songs
for nine-year-olds
and cuts his hair
like a gay figure skater.
This guy just continues
to impress.
Is there anything
he can't do?
In fact,
I pulled my pants down
and took a big, creamy shit
in the green room
because I thought to myself,
"That's how the Biebs
would do it.
Again and again
and again."
If anything,
Justin Bieber,
not only do you need
to continue to live your life
with the same
reckless abandon,
I suggest you
turn up the heat.
Oh, and one last thing,
if you're watching
from your monkey cage
in Germany...
Go to bed, Mally.
Good night.
[pop music]
(announcer)
Up next: Justin Bieber.
There he is!
Justin Bieber.
That's the guy
you want.
Wow.
You know what?
Right now it's finally time
to bring up
the boy of the hour.
You, Justin Bieber,
it's time, man.
Here's what I want to say.
At 21, he's already the most
famous living celebrity
in the world.
It's true.
He has over 60 million followers
on Twitter.
He's at 40 million on Grindr.
It's true.
It's true.
It's weird, but it's true.
They love you, Justin.
He's a platinum-selling
recording artist, okay?
Justin Bieber has
the voice of an angel,
and he has the haircut and
tattoos of a lesbian butcher.
This shit is bad.
It's bad.
I don't like it, but I love him,
so I can't tell him.
You guys do it.
Write a letter.
It's fucked up.
It's fucked up, man.
Him and Snoop are in
the same position.
Nobody wants to say anything.
Look at Snoop's look.
It's like a teenage boy
in high school, but he grew up,
but he didn't graduate,
but he's in college.
What the fuck
are you doing?
Why does Snoop have on Chucks?
It makes me so mad.
I hate it.
I hate it.
What the fuck
are you doing?
Let it go.
Your kids are in college.
What 70-year-old nigger
is doing this?
I hate it.
Justin, that's where
you're headed.
It's right in front
of your face.
Look at old success.
Shaq has on a tie
with glitter,
and what the fuck
are you doing?
Like, I don't even know
what it is.
- Diamonds.
- Shaq, it's not diamonds.
It's graffiti.
You're stupid.
I hate it.
I hate my people, man.
I really do.
You know, I would say something
about you, Jeff,
but this is all you got.
I don't want to fuck this
up for you.
Every year you're back here.
This is it.
You're you, okay?
That's what you say to people
that you know not gonna make it.
You're you.
Right now, you know what?
It's about the guy
that we came to roast tonight,
and I can be honored to say
I'm a fucking fan.
Not only am I a fan,
I'm a friend.
I'm glad to be here tonight,
Justin, and I think
everybody else up here tonight
can say the same thing.
With that being said,
please make some noise
and welcome Justin Bieber,
ladies and gentlemen.
- I need somebody to love
Do-do-do
Oh, I don't need too much
Just somebody to love
Somebody to love
I don't need nothing else
I promise, girl, I swear
I just need somebody to love
Damn, you guys were brutal.
Goodness gracious.
This was supposed to be
a birthday present.
When I tell people what I got
for my 21st birthday,
I get to tell them
that I got my dick kicked in.
I know I've been
driving recklessly,
getting arrested,
smoking weed,
abandoning monkeys,
and urinating publicly,
but my biggest regret
is plowing my Maserati
into Jeff Ross's Saturn
in the parking lot, man.
And, Jeff,
I feel really bad
because I don't know
where you're gonna sleep
tonight, man.
Look, I'm new to comedy,
but here's a joke, all right?
What do you get when you give
a teenager $200 million?
A bunch of has-beens calling you
a lesbian for two hours.
[laughter and applause]
All right, all right.
I'm playing.
You guys were all
really funny tonight.
When we were looking
for a roastmaster,
we called Jamie Foxx,
Chris Rock,
and they both
couldn't do it.
Then I had a great idea.
Let's call Kevin Hart
and see if he has
Dave Chappelle's number.
No, I have hu--
[inaudible]
- [indistinct]
- He didn't have it.
He didn't have it.
(Justin)
Kevin, you were awesome tonight.
I have huge respect
for Kevin Hart.
Kevin loves seeing himself
on the big screen.
And for him that's an iPad mini.
Sorry.
Kevin is so short,
he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne."
I love Kevin Hart's
career plan.
Do everything Martin Lawrence
did, only shittier.
And, Martha,
thanks for coming.
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.
Ah, Natasha Leggero,
this is my first time
seeing you perform.
You were really great
even though you didn't shoot out
a single ping pong ball
like Snoop promised.
And, Jeff Ross,
thanks for being here, man.
Jeff, you look like
the emoji you send
when you want to tell someone
you have food poisoning.
Oh.
Chris D'Elia is
my favorite comedian,
and I'm lucky to call him
a friend.
Chris actually
brought me on stage
at one of his shows,
and it was really cool.
It was the first time
I got to see what it was like
to perform for eight people
staring at their phones.
I'm a huge fan
of Chris D'Elia.
Chris gets a ton of girls.
You want to know why?
'Cause I'm a big fan
of Chris D'Elia.
That's right.
That's what I get.
Love you.
Luda, what's up, man?
I knew you would show up
for me tonight.
I feel like I've known you
my whole life,
but that's just because
you look like
the Mr. Potato Head
I had as a kid.
- Luda and I had--
- [laughing]
That's good.
That's good.
Luda and I had a lot of hours
making the song Baby together.
In fact, he told me
it was the only baby
he ever made on purpose.
Of course I had to have
one of my favorite people
in the world here tonight,
Shaquille O'Neal.
Thanks for coming, man.
I love you, dude,
but how in 19 seasons
have you only made
one three-pointer?
I've hit more pedestrians
with my car.
And Hannibal Buress, thank you
so much for being here.
I don't really know much
about you,
but from what
I've been hearing,
I hope you don't know much
about me either.
Snoop Doggie Dogg,
what's up, man?
He's way too shy to admit this,
but he was actually
the Billboard top male artist
the year I was born.
And look at you now, Snoop.
You're one of
the ten dudes at my roast
sitting right next to
Martha Stewart
and that Hannibal guy.
How cool is this?
So cool.
You made it.
I'm proud of you, man.
I'm proud of you.
Before I go, I want to thank
everyone for tonight.
This roast was
a dream of mine.
I especially want to thank
all my fans, the dais,
and everyone
watching at home.
I turned a lot of people off
over the past few years,
but I know I can still
turn out good music
and turn everything all around.
You have my word.
I will not end up broken,
pathetic, bitter,
or sitting on the dais
of somebody else's roast.
No, but seriously.
Really, let's get serious
for a second.
There was really no preparing me
for this life.
I was thrown into this
at 12 years old,
and I didn't really know what
I was getting myself into.
There's been moments
I'm really proud of,
and a lot of moments
I look back
and I'm pretty disappointed
in myself for,
but the things that I've done
really don't define who I am.
I'm a kindhearted person
who loves people,
and through it all I lost
some of my best qualities.
For that, I'm sorry.
But what I can say is I'm
looking forward to being someone
that you guys can all look at
and be proud of,
someone you can smile at
and see some of yourself in.
Someone close to me
once said,
"It's how you rise
from a fall
that truly defines you
as a man."
I'm excited
for that challenge,
and I want to say
thank you so much
for taking this journey
with me,
and I'm excited for you
to see what's next.
Thank you, God,
for your grace
and for never
giving up on me.
[cheers and applause]
But one more thing.
One more thing before I go.
There's someone in my life who
I owe a special apology to.
I'm talking about someone
who I really loved
and lost because
I screwed it all up,
but thankfully
that special someone,
the love of my life,
is here tonight.
I just want that second chance,
so if you could come on out.
This is your monkey.
I missed you, buddy.
Want to go to the zoo?
I'm just kidding.
Thank you so much
and good night.
You did good, man.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
Incredible fucking show.
[techno music]
It takes a lot of balls
to do that.
I wouldn't be able
to do that.
Happy to do it.
Great, dude.
It really was.
- It was really great.
- That's my guy, right?