My name is Antoni Clarke,
and I am a bride's best friend.
I'm not gay.
Now, I own "Confetti" magazine,
but Vivien is the editor,
and she's really
the backbone of the publication.
She does all the day-to-day work, if you like.
This will be the event of the year. We have
to really go for it as the event of the year.
It's immense, because our reputation
is hanging on a thread if we fail in this.
It's half an hour on a Saturday afternoon.
Three weddings. It's easy.
All you have to do is hold up a card
and say, "Ten out of ten," or, "Nil points."
We were going to do
another Bride of the Year competition,
but we thought that would just end up being
given to a woman in a white dress again.
So we thought we'd do
The Most Original Wedding as an idea.
We're giving away a house
to the couple with the most original wedding.
Not everyone
wants to get married in a crazy way.
Not everyone wants their special day
ruined by a gimmick. But some people do.
Pitch us your vision
of the most original wedding.
OK. Well, erm, we're really
into dinosaurs, raptors, actually.
- It's a dinosaur themed wedding?
- Absolutely. We want it in a cave, first of all.
- Thanks so much for coming.
- Already? So soon?
I don't want to waste your time.
Hi, hello. Thank you so much for coming.
All the guys are going to be dressed
as Elvis Presley.
And the girls will be dressed as teddy girls.
- Do you think it's been done before?
- No.
Right. Next.
Vivien, am I going to be
meeting more mental people today?
We're going to get married
following the Daffodil Route round Wales.
It's a train route, it starts at Cardiff...
I appreciate you want to win a house,
it's not gonna happen.
Good three changes
on the way here.
You fucking loved it, didn't you?
You love the train.
You know, she was tremendously pretty.
We could partner her up with somebody else.
Well, what we had in mind
was a kind of ancient Roman wedding.
Great!
It starts with the sacrifice of a pig
at the bride's house.
Fuck me.
But maybe with some hairstyle around it,
and prescription lens.
Oh... Next.
Get out.
If we were producing a sort of
updated version of The Joy of Sex,
you two would be perfect.
Naturists, or "The Joy of Sex"?
The Joy of Sex are better-looking,
but the naturists...
Well, it's more... It's more Confetti.
Well, I don't want them at all.
I'd rather have the Romans.
That's as may be. Naturists, tennis, musicals.
Our submission was accepted,
and our submission, by the way,
we should probably say, is musicals.
- A musical wedding.
- Hollywood musicals.
That's what we're going for.
The idea that we picked is,
it's in the style of the sort of Busby Berkeley,
so it's a big kind of production number.
We're having the sort of bridesmaids
as the chorus girls.
You know, they have the sweeping kind
of staircase of bridesmaids in those films,
and Jen, my sister, obviously,
she'll be bridesmaid of honor, won't she?
- Absolutely.
- She's away at the moment.
She's a dancer.
She's in Bahrain with a cruise.
She travels around a lot,
we don't always know where she is.
Erm, I work in a care home for the elderly.
Sam comes along sometimes and helps out.
She sings for them, lovely.
I'm slightly tone-deaf, but Matt's always said
if I wasn't tone-deaf,
I'd have a very good voice.
- Yeah, I think that's true.
- So, you know, I enjoy it.
It's all confidence, that's all it is.
A lot of it is confidence.
Well, the vision for our wedding
is quite simple. Tennis.
Tennis.
Yeah! Whoo! Come on, Josef.
I mean, we are gonna win.
If you're listening, losers,
the other people in the competition,
give it up.
- Stop.
- Stop now, cos we're gonna win.
It's not about how good our wedding is,
it's about can we do anything to make theirs...
That's what you do in tennis. You look at
someone's game, and you have to destroy it.
Yeah, we have a coach. Well, I say "coach"...
- We have a coach.
- He's, uh...
Jesus. He's amazing. He's so supportive.
My inner game has gone at the moment,
he's working on that with me.
So in the court, that's what we're working on.
- He's very interested in getting inside you.
- He's fantastic at it.
- Well, I'm Michael, this is Joanna.
- Joanna.
And, er, yeah,
I've been a naturist all my life.
Joanna's... Oh.
And Joanna's quite new to it, really. Um...
I'm a beginner.
Summerland. It's the oldest
naturist camp in the country.
Mum and Dad lived here,
and they were naturists.
Well, my dad was a policeman,
my mum worked as a legal secretary.
And they do think...
They do worry a bit that I'm in a cult.
It's not a cult.
It's not a cult.
- I mean, we are all naked, apart from clothes.
- All the time.
And when you take the clothes off,
it's more obvious.
I know I'm... For this film, I'm supposed
to sit like this so you can't see my penis,
but, you know, I'm looking at my penis now,
and it seems absolutely fine to me.
Now, the auditions we had, I was very
excited about it, but I'm not particularly now.
One is a potential idea,
perhaps, the musical couple.
No, no, no, we're going back
to singing out of tune again, dear.
The tennis couple maybe could work.
But the girl,
she has the most extraordinary nostrils.
I mean, I can't take my eyes off them.
If you put that on a front cover, the nation
won't be able to take their eyes off them.
The third choice...
Oh.
I mean, where do you want me to start?
They want to be on the front cover naked.
But I'm optimistic.
I have my wedding planners
coming in soon, and...
Heron and Hough,
and they seem absolutely dynamic.
Push a bit from the other side.
That's it. You all right?
Come in, come in.
- Hi!
- Hello.
This is my partner.
- Heron and Hough.
- Your dreams are enough.
I think this is going to be
the most extraordinary,
theatrical, wedding love celebration.
- Three-ring circus.
- A three-ring circus of love.
We're going to be right at its center.
Don't show them that.
Come away, don't show them that.
- This...
- No, stop it.
This is our award wall.
- You shouldn't show them that, Archie.
- I know, but...
Don't show them that one, or that one.
We're not clear on budget, are we?
But the great thing is,
it's a big magazine.
So I think we're safely assuming
there will be some money to spend.
Just a little bit.
So we've already started. We haven't
met the couples, but we have a load of ideas
- that we wanted to kind of spring on them.
- And I think one's first instinct is the best.
- Black and silver sparkle.
- Oh, lovely. Good choice.
Also we're up against time.
We would often plan a wedding
over 9, 12, 18 months,
and we have three months
to plan three weddings.
- Which we're up for.
- Mad as cheese, the pair of us. As cheese.
What we give people is a huge part
of ourselves. It's our wedding, on the day.
- We have not lost one yet.
- No.
There is nobody who has been married
at a wedding we have organized
who is not still together.
Oh, come on, don't serve so hard to her.
- What do you mean, don't serve so hard?
- You're a man...
Are you here? Are you in the room?
- Do it again.
- Do what again? Serve, so you can miss it?
Jesus is, uh...
exceptionally,
an exceptionally mediocre coach.
Oh, well, my name is Jesus
and I'm from Spain. Um...
Yup.
That's the difficulties of my name,
cos it's also called "Jesus".
I mean, if anyone goes around
calling himself "Jesus", frankly it's a bit sad.
There must be a deep well
of insecurity in there.
I will hurt if they getting married,
because I think
he is not the appropriate man for her.
Yeah, that's character.
I mean, she needs more love,
she needs more smiling,
and she needs a little bit more of sweetness.
- Back.
- It's really helping.
And front.
- Don't stop. I think this is good.
- What's good?
- Just wait. Keep going.
- You tired?
- No, I'm not... I'm not ti-red.
- You can sit down, yeah?
- Just for the...
- If anything, I'm "tired".
- Positive.
- Sorry.
Just for the opening, I was feeling something.
Take my hand.
- What were you feeling?
- That this could be used.
- For the wedding?
- Used in the wedding?
- That will be excellent.
- Who's getting married?
He goes on about how
warm they are in the Mediterranean,
they're very tactile, but he doesn't touch
anyone as much as he touches my fiance.
I don't think...
Oi!
I'm watching.
Rules of entry, number one: you
hereby confirm you're not already married.
Two: you agree to participate
in pre-marriage counseling.
Counseling.
- Counseling.
- Yes.
- I'm not doing counseling.
- Josef...
I'm not doing counseling. I've done
counseling, you know that. I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing it!
Let's just concentrate
on how we want these people to look.
I mean, the tennis players, Isabelle and Josef.
We want them to look so glamorous.
- Well, we want them to win, don't we?
- Yes. I quite like, erm, the musical couple.
- They'll look wonderful.
- Sweet.
She's a little dowdy.
No, she'll be fine
if we dress her in a beautiful dress.
You never know on the day, either. The
naturist couple on the day might be fantastic.
I don't think anyone wants to see her muff.
You chose them.
I was quite excited
by the people we met.
I think of the three couples,
I think I wouldn't want to favor any of them.
I think they're all exciting,
they're very much in love, I think.
I have slight problems with the tennis,
Isabelle and Josef.
A woman that only wears things that
she's knitted herself is going to be difficult.
Yes, and they did smell.
- It was...
- It was a really good day.
- Yeah, it was an amazing day.
- There was so many things to see, and...
And also from the time
that Sam had the makeover.
That would be enough, the fact that
she was chosen to have a makeover...
Oh, my God.
They just happened to pick her
to have a makeover
out of all those people in the audience.
So we had to have a word.
A civil word.
And they kindly agreed to, uh, to go again.
Oh, doesn't she look gorgeous!
Big round of applause for the lovely Isabella.
Look, she's got herself in the picture.
She's got herself in the...
Just... See, at the back?
Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
Come on in.
- Lovely to see you.
- You too. Perch yourself on the couch.
- Lovely to see you. In you come.
- Lovely to see you.
OK. Well, you know, first and foremost, thank
you so much for coming and doing this job.
- We are so excited.
- Good. I'm thrilled.
Now, to cut to the chase.
There are several things
that are on my mind at the moment.
Firstly, I need... And this has also
come from the powers-that-be above.
I need one venue for all three weddings.
For the wedding competition.
- For all the weddings?
- That's right, yes.
Cos we thought about
Queen's Club and Roland Garros.
Well, I love your ideas.
But they're not within the budget.
So, um, one venue.
Now, the second point is, and one
that does concern me over the naturists, erm,
I need... I need the naked girl dressed.
I need her in a dress.
- In a dress?
- In a dress.
- But they're nudists, aren't they?
- No, naturists.
Well, yes, but they take their clothes off.
- Well, I need them in a dress.
- Does she know that?
No. That's your job, to tell her.
Right.
- Do they actually play volleyball?
- We're going to find out.
I feel a bit sick, actually, Archie.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! It's a naked man on a bike! A naked...
Just keep your eye on the road.
- Did you see?
- I'm choosing to ignore it.
No clothes on,
riding around...
Just pull up here. Pull up here.
Will there be any...
Yes, it'll be obvious, won't it?
- It'll be obvious when we meet them.
- What are they...
Hi!
- How you doing? You all right?
- Hey, there.
- Nice to see you again. Hi, how you doing?
- Hi. Joanna.
- Archie.
- Hi, there.
- Glad you made it.
- I stood on your toe.
- Oh, I'm all right.
- Thanks for coming.
- Well, let's...
- We'll show you round.
- Hi, guys.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You know, you have a really good game
of badminton, then no need to wash your kit.
Well, that's a bonus.
- Do you play badminton?
- No.
You are aware that these weddings will all...
All three competitors will have their weddings
in the same venue, on the same day?
One after another, sort of concurrently.
- In a venue?
- It doesn't, it... No, I didn't know that.
No, it... it... it doesn't absolutely...
Well, it is clear,
but it isn't underlined, or anything.
It just says
you have to approve where we do it.
Well, the magazine approves, and they've
decided that to make it easier for the judges,
it all has to be inside and on one occasion.
- What's that?
- This is Primavera.
- Who's he?
- No, that's a painting by Botticelli.
- Oh, sorry.
- And it just... You said nature.
It explores some of the themes of nature.
You've got these apples, pears and things,
and the elements blowing on her,
and there's flowers and so on,
and the strength of this sword.
And she's just slightly veiled,
and you can see the nakedness underneath.
But that's just wacky costumes.
It's just costumes.
It's kind of theatre, isn't it?
It's not real. And we're about nature and real.
- Oh, hi. Thanks ever so much.
- Quite all right. Where do you want them?
I'll move those. Thanks.
- Quite all right.
- Thanks, Becky.
What do we do? They're going to want
to walk in and take their clothes off.
- Aren't they?
- Yes.
- You think we should allow that?
- If that's what they want.
Good. I think that too. If they want to do that,
they should be allowed to do that.
To ask them to get married, in...
you know, clothed,
is contrary to everything we believe in.
So, yes, they must be naked people as they
get married, because that's who they are.
Right. Lovely. So.
- Musical.
- Musicals. The King And I.
Oh, it's not The King And I.
Why does it have to be The King And i?
- King And I this, King And I that.
- It offers so much designwise.
It's East meets West, there's
a fantastic opportunity for food there,
you know I can...
I can get hold of elephants.
I'm thinking Singin' in the Rain,
I can just see it.
We can have the rain from the Wimbledon
falling all over the MGM and we'd just be...
Or On the Town. Oh, please, On the Town.
- I hate On the Town.
- How can you hate On the Town?
It's that woman in the cab.
She drives me mad.
Oh, she's wonderful.
So, folks. El maestro.
- This is Paul. Sam.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Matt.
- Nice to see you.
Oh, how are you?
Paul has been working with us
on some ideas for your wedding,
- which we'd like to show you.
- This is nice, isn't it?
So we've put some stools out.
We've kind of... It's like a little show.
- If you could take the stools, we're going to...
- What, now?
- Right now.
- Take a pew.
And we want to show you what we've come
up with as potential vows for your wedding.
Shall I take my coat off?
- That is really amazing.
- Exciting, isn't it?
- That is... That's amazing.
- Do you like that?
Yeah. I love it, and it's a bit like ours.
- Show us.
- Ours isn't as good...
I'm sure it is,
we just cobbled that together.
I'm sure we can get some sort
of middle ground between the two.
You're both singing in different keys.
- Yep.
- Yeah, that's...
- Is that how?
...harmony.
We know now we can't be here, but if
we get married there, it has to be clothed.
- I don't...
- For me, it has to be clothed.
- But for me, it does have to be.
- You want it to be?
Well, I'm happy as a naturist with you,
and with naturists.
But I'm not happy being undressed
in front of clothed people.
It's been your life forever,
and I'm new to it still.
You won't give them nightmares.
You look beautiful.
- It's not... They'll laugh. Someone will laugh.
- They won't laugh.
I'm not prepared to feel shame
and feel humiliation on our wedding day.
It's completely their problem though.
I think it's your mum that does this.
Think about your mum now.
Picture your mum.
Do you want to get dressed?
Yes. See? There we go. It's her.
She's so... clothed.
I'm like Eno on speed.
It's just like you take the whole thing...
- Speedo.
- Speedo.
This is what we're like, innit?
This is what we used to be like.
- Well, we still are, it's all right.
- Yeah.
We can do Wizard of Oz. Right?
Well, Wizard of Oz is a musical, OK, all right?
- Do you mean at the wedding?
- Yes. You've got the bass, the Cowardly Lion.
The Tin Man on drums.
You've got Dorothy on guitar.
- You've got the, um, second guitar can be...
- Toto.
Toto, yes.
I could be the monkey with the wings.
I just think you're taking the mickey.
I don't think you're taking it seriously.
- Flaming Lips do it.
- It's not a joke.
It's not a joke, Snoopy, it's our wedding.
Flaming Lips do it. Have you heard...
I can speak to her.
You don't really need to speak to her.
I'll have to calm this one down,
she thinks you're taking the piss.
No, mate, it's just the monkey tipped it over.
- Soon as I said the monkey with the wings...
- I don't know if it was the monkey.
I saw her face, it dropped.
If you don't want a monkey, don't have it.
It wasn't an integral part.
I could be a wicked witch.
- I am anxious.
- We both are. Today is a big day,
we've got the wedding planners coming in,
and those... lovely fellas
hopefully will have come up
with something exciting,
because we've not heard much.
No, not much.
And we gave them a lot of information.
- We're hoping they'll come back...
- With something concrete.
- Sorry we're so late.
- That's OK, let's start. Let's waste no time.
Look, shall we just show you?
We've got it in our heads.
- Opening of your ceremony.
- Brilliant.
- Where do you want us?
- If you just go over there.
- Imagine you're the congregation and we're...
- Right.
And we're sort of looking that way.
- What?
- Let's give them a chance. You never know.
The parade of the ball boys.
On they come!
Go!
Go!
Oof!
And then,
from the back come your gigantic balls.
- All the way down, on the tramlines, hm?
- Right.
And then you perform your vows.
Then you're married.
And that's the start. What do you think?
That's not... We need
to speak to someone professional.
I mean, you move beautifully, both of you,
but we need someone who knows
what they're doing. Properly.
- Well...
- With, um, ball boys and ball girls, don't we?
- Yeah.
- So a choreographer.
We think that the choreographer, really,
should be the remit
of the MGM wedding couple.
We can't have the choreographer
cos they've got one?
Well, because their dance
is sort of key, central to their...
- It's central to ours.
- I've worked a lot on it.
Right before you guys came in,
I was working on the moves.
- She does dancing.
- I saw that. I thought you'd injured yourself.
Yeah, whatever, whatever. We need a...
We asked for...
Ahem!
- The problem...
- Oh, for fuck's sake, it's Jesus.
Can you get rid of him? Get rid of him.
Um...
I have to explain something.
We must win this competition.
There's no question of if, but or maybe,
we have to win it.
We are in severe financial...
What are you doing?
- I invited him along.
- Can you go away?
- No, I invited him here.
- I want him to go.
- I want him to stay!
- I want him to go!
Listen, speak nice to her.
She's going to be your wife...
No, can you go?
- What's it like being short? Do you like it?
- Josef, stop being rude all the time!
What's the weather like down there?
What's the Spanish for "Go away, you fairy"?
- Josef, stop it.
- You have to say "I love you" to her. Not...
I'm sorry? What do you have to say to her?
- Don't touch me.
- I'm not touching you.
- Stop it!
- I'm not touching you.
- Stop it!
- Josef!
No, no!
No, no, no!
Now, listen! Listen, please, please.
- Please, please, please listen. Please.
- Get off me...
Please, now listen to me.
You do not have an education from a boy's
boarding school in the north of England
and be the only gay boy,
and not know how to handle yourself.
So if you move again, I'm going
to break your arm. Do you understand?
He doesn't deserve you.
He'll be fine.
He just... he just needs to run it off.
- Sorry.
- That's fine. It's fine. So, from the top.
I think we should just...
No!
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
You stop it, you stop it!
And you stop it, just stop it!
It's ridiculous! It's just stupid!
I come here for this?
I was appalled by that, and shocked.
It was... It was terrifying.
It was a terrifying experience.
It's in my top ten terrifying experiences.
It's just not what we're used to.
It's not the world we work in, really.
But, you know, we showed them a few things,
and we'll come back and show them more.
You showed them some things.
You stood up for me,
and you stood up for yourself.
It was amazing. It was wonderful, Archie.
It was really wonderful, you do know that?
I'm so proud of you.
Come on, let's go.
We'll see you later. Bye.
Bye.
- People don't like me, do they?
- Josef, people like you.
- Who?
- I like you.
- You don't count.
- Why not?
Well, you do count,
but you don't count in people who like me.
- Why not?
- Because you obviously like me.
Well, do you like me? I don't like me.
Maybe that's the real problem.
- Thank you, Dr. Freud.
- I'm just saying.
I have a lot more experience.
I mean, I went to counseling.
I'm not going to counseling.
Don't start.
I'm just saying if you'd stayed a bit longer,
we'd have answered some of these questions.
We're gonna get you in a positive space
right now. I don't feel that you are.
Know what we've got?
You want to hold that for a while?
Hold it.
Huh?
That's what we've got. We've got...
I won this ten years ago.
Hold this. Come on, hold it.
Look at me. Hnngh! Come on.
Come on, Josef, gimme that!
That's it!
- Hello, there!
- Gregory, how you doing? All right?
- Hello, Sam, how are you?
- Hi, hi.
- This is Jen, my sister.
- Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.
So if you two lovebirds
would like to flutter down with me.
- Do you want to come as well?
- Jen's coming as well.
Jen's really interested.
Jen's a professional choreographer...
- Professional dancer and choreographer.
- A choreographer?
She'd like to...
She's going to be choreographing the show.
- Oh.
- I've got loads of ideas, cos I've done loads.
You know, I've been dancing for 12 years,
so I've got loads of ideas worked out.
We're sorry about the other lady,
but Jen really wants to do it.
Well, we have the best dance choreographer
in the country. You do realize that?
I was just explaining...
Well, we were just explaining,
- I'm actually a professional choreographer.
- Oh, really?
- So we've kind of come up with a few ideas.
- Yeah.
And what we're kind of thinking is
we've kind of got it wrapped up, really.
I mean, I can show you a few...
I'm not quite sure what the ideas are
originally. I'm a bit new to this.
- Well, shall I...
- Can you explain what it is?
Cos I don't know that it is all wrapped up yet.
It's like, the theme that we've gone after,
right, is a kind of '30s and '40s musical.
- Right. Fred Astaire and all that.
- Exactly. Exactly.
- Who's the water woman?
- Oh, it's sort of like an Esther Williams style.
Oh, right, yes.
With hundreds of girls, and all of that.
Obviously a smaller version of that.
I mean, it's like... You know.
I just might as well hop up.
- Jen's worked some moves out.
- Right.
- Two rows of girls...
- Is she allowed on the stage?
...Busby Berkeley, all the tinfoil dresses.
And then it's like out,
the next girl out, the next girl out.
On the other side,
simultaneously, all at the same time,
out, next girl, out, next girl, out.
- Jen...
- And then, Matt and Sam can sink down,
and you know like
the dream ballet in Oklahoma!
Dream Laurey comes out,
me, same costume, wig.
- So I'm Sam.
- Jen...
You know, it just gives you an idea.
we do stuff like it on the ships all the time.
If she'd like to do it, then that's fine.
You don't need me.
- She is not...
- Do you like...
What do you think about the dream ballet?
Cos Sam, you know, physical dyslexia,
and that, she's going to be all nervous.
- What?
- Sorry?
- Well, Sam's got physical dyslexia.
- What's that?
Well, she's, like, clumsy.
- Clumsy? She can't dance?
- No, of course she can dance.
We did a lot of dancing as kids.
I mean, I did a lot of dancing.
I think it's great that we've got Jen here
cos she can play a really strong role in this,
but I really feel that we've got Jenny here,
who is an expert in choreography,
as opposed to a dancer,
and we should be using her like we said.
She's done cruise ships for years.
- Cruise ships, exactly.
- Who works out all the dances? She does.
- Right...
- Who's a professional dancer? She is.
- And this choreographer's not?
- All she wants to do
is help her sister on her wedding day.
Something wrong with that?
But this isnt just an ordinary wedding.
We've entered a competition.
- We've got to abide by the rules.
- It's her wedding day.
Yeah, and it's my wedding day as well.
It's my important day as well.
I'll be your sister.
Have you thought of that?
Jesus, every night.
I know you're stressed and tired
and you've been getting up really...
You know, I know you're working hard,
and I... and I'm totally amazed...
I'm about to get married in a competition.
Of course I'm stressed.
But you're being so lovely, and you're
really putting your heart and soul into it.
- Yeah, for you.
- And I know that. But they don't know that.
Yeah, but they should know it.
Why don't they know it?
Yeah, because they've not met...
They've not met me? I've lived with
your flippin' mum for nine months.
- They will see it, they will.
- Christ!
All I'm saying is that you need to go
and be a bit... Do a bit of diplomacy.
- Oh, yeah, I will.
- You know.
But I love you and I'm completely with you
and I'm totally, day by day,
I'm just amazed at how wonderful you are.
And, and...
I'm so pleased to be marrying you.
I come down the aisle,
you're waiting at the altar,
in your top hat and tails, with Snoopy,
you know, doing the sway, whatever.
I come down, you know, shuffling down
the aisle, whatever. In time, hopefully.
And then meet you at the altar.
The other question that I'm worried about
as well is who's going to take me down there?
What about your dad?
I don't... I...
You know, I'm not sure
if he's gonna be there, to be honest.
At the moment
it doesn't look like he'll be there.
- Why?
- Well, because he's obviously...
- I haven't invited him, Mum hasn't...
- Do you not want him...
I'd like him to be there,
but obviously I'm not in a position to...
To invite your dad to your wedding?
I'm not in a position to...
I'm not in a position to... to do that.
You do want him there, don't you?
All right, your dad being at your wedding
is more important than anything else.
Or that your family being at your wedding
is more important than getting the song right.
I think your mum's going to have
to lump it for four hours of her life.
Feel this bit. That's it. Out.
And run to each other, and round.
And turn out.
And back. Hold his face.
- Not quite like that.
- Should I hold...
Where's Snoopy's bit?
Where's... We haven't done any of the music.
It's not all, it can't be this, surely, you know?
Cos we've got a thing. La, la.
Not that, it's bigger.
Snoop...
I can do that bit. I can do the twiddly bit.
That's, er, not good. But...
That, I mean, I thought that could be the big...
That's... great.
"Steel III", it's called. "Steel III."
Still ill, "Steel III". There's lots...
- But what's it got to do with the wedding?
- Shining.
Is that what you think I am?
I'm a girl on the cover of a porno magazine?
With a steel tongue?
Is that what you're saying?
No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying, er...
You're saying it's nomothetic?
Yeah, yeah, good idea.
- It makes me sick.
- Our relationship makes you sick?
- No, no.
- Well, Snoopy,
if you sing that song at our wedding,
that's what it sounds like.
I'm not. I'm saying everyone else's
relationship's normal, nomothetic. This is...
- There is no nomothetic!
- What does pedantic mean? That's the...
Snoopy, that's an interesting question,
but it's not the time to work it out here.
- Snoopy can do the lyrics...
- We're going to have...
Snoopy has a vital part to play in this
wedding, there's no doubt about that.
He is Matt's best friend and he's
musically talented, and he's going to be there.
But this will be their dream wedding,
and I am prepared to kill or maim
for them to have that wedding.
Do you understand me?
- Out you come, my honey.
- Bless, look at that.
Oh, she's looking a bit ragged, actually.
She didn't quite make the journey.
Now, which way are we round? We're all
moving around now, it's like Dunsinane.
I like the idea.
Kind of Midsummer Night's Dream.
That kind of thing. Fairies,
Midsummer Night's Dream. They arrive...
- Where's the couple?
- There.
I think they're hiding. They're hiding.
- Well, they're not going to be naked.
- Well, this is the problem.
It's tricky convincing them.
I'm not interested in convincing them.
This is what we need for our front cover.
- We can't have nude people.
- Vivien.
They're not going to be on the front cover
cos they're not gonna win.
- I think we all know that.
- Well, they may do.
Well, they may not.
Don't write them off
cos they've got no clothes on.
What about having a little bush,
if you'll pardon the language,
a bush area that covers the...
- Well, we had thought...
- A bush? How elegant is that going to be?
Well, if it's... If the topiary is done properly,
I think it could be rather lovely.
- Well, they're wearing...
- I gave you an agenda. Agenda is: no nudes.
To begin with, the dance is very formal.
Then, more country.
Suddenly, bright lights.
What's that rumble?
The rumble of something. What?
What it is is the arrival of your camper van.
And inside, you...
are the queen of the fairies.
Me, Oberon-like, as the king of the fairies,
emerge from the camper van.
The green man guides them, comforts them.
And he is, of course,
our green man/registrar.
And you're married.
Well, I just think that completely sucks.
I mean, that whole thing is rubbish.
I mean, this is our wedding.
We can't be prancing around like berks.
We have a little problem here
that I think we ought to share with you.
That is that our brief, if you like,
is that your naturist wedding
must not be naked.
And that's come right from the top.
I really have to apologize.
I chose these people.
And it was after lunch, they were the best of
a bad lot, I'd had a couple of glasses of wine,
- and I think I've made an error of judgment.
- All right.
OK, we just need
to deal with it now, yeah? OK.
- We just need to get them in a dress.
- We do. We absolutely do.
- Lovely to see you.
- Come on in.
This gentleman is James Thursk.
He's our lawyer.
And he sorts things out. I believe
we've got some sorting out to do today.
Yeah. Well, er, we've been talking,
and the problem is that we were asked
for an idea for an original wedding,
and our idea was a naturist wedding,
and we found out recently that this is going
to be a naturist wedding featuring no nudity.
Mr. Thursk.
You can't really expect anyone to put naked
people on the cover of a magazine if they win.
- I'm talking about our wedding.
- Don't put us on the cover.
And as naturists, we know that you can't be
a bit naked. You're either naked or you're not.
You're not naked now,
you seem comfortable enough.
Is that some kind of challenge?
All right, fine.
- I don't think...
- Michael.
I hardly think it's appropriate...
- This isn't going to help.
- You're naked or you're not.
Stop it there, please.
We're trying to have a civilized discussion.
I'm having a civilized discussion.
I can still have a civilized
discussion whether I'm dressed or not.
He's becoming impossible to live with.
I'm going to stay here
until we write a new contract
that says that we can have the wedding
that you said that we can have.
I've got to tell you now,
that's just not going to happen.
We cannot put out a magazine with people
in it naked. I'm sorry, we simply cannot do it.
- OK. Well, uh...
- That is the end of it.
- Yeah, I guess that is the end of it.
- What we do after that, Mr. Collier...
Joanna, maybe if you just
wore a wedding dress...
I'm not even sure that I want to get married.
This is not what I dreamt of
since I was a little girl.
It is not becoming
what I wanted for a wedding.
He sleeps in the kitchen at the moment.
What if you dressed yourself up
to allure him?
Maybe you've just been naked too much.
Maybe you've become immune to each other.
Being so naked the whole time,
you've got used to your bodies.
There's no sort of magic. James?
Yes. There's something
very romantic about a wedding dress.
Well, if I can just start by simply explaining
why we're here and what it's all about.
We're here today to talk about
what it means to actually be getting married.
There's not really much to talk about.
I mean, you know, I felt that what we were
going to do was have a naturist wedding,
and that would involve people
acting like naturists, aka being naked.
- It's AKA, not aka.
- And...
Apparently not everybody feels the same way.
Including the person I was hoping to marry.
I have expressed a... Not just a
made-up problem, but a real issue with me,
is that being naked in front
of non-naturists is not as easy.
I keep saying,
nobody's going to laugh.
Your body is the most eloquent expression
of how beautiful you are.
Get it into your thick head
how much I respect you.
If we take "thick" out for the moment,
there were some very nice words there.
- Right.
- We can pop one out and put another one in.
- Let's take "thick" out then.
- Let's take "thick" out. Good. Good.
Could you, could you... Are you ready
to shuffle up a bit yet on the settee?
Well done. Lovely. OK.
The wedding planners
are not giving us the same service.
They get a choreographer.
We're not allowed a choreographer.
- Next.
- Next point.
Well, she had a makeover at the wedding fair
before we made a fuss and I got Isabelle one.
- You did make a fuss.
- They're getting resources that we are not.
- They're getting... Is it rigged?
- Oh, please! Is it rigged? I mean...
- Just tell us, because we...
- Absolutely not.
Well, it doesn't seem like that
from where we're sitting.
I'm the chair of the judging panel,
I've got the casting vote. It will not be fixed.
- You have the casting vote?
- Yes.
So what are you, uh, what do you w...
What are you looking for?
So, Isabelle. Let's have a look at your nose.
- Shall I?
- Yes, please. Can you look in the mirror?
- OK. So...
- I love that nose.
What I see in your nose
is that the dorsum here,
the bridge, is a little bit too wide,
and too flat. OK?
The nose a little bit too short,
and is pointing up too much.
And when I look at you,
I see inside your nostrils.
And I personally don't like that.
Yeah? OK.
Have to check what that country's called.
I don't think it's that.
- That's really all I've got at the moment.
- I just think that's beautiful.
Here we go. So, voil.
That's your basic set, as it were.
- Er, your wedding area.
- Dark, innit?
It'll be lit. Obviously, it's not just this dark.
Here, it's peopled with,
as you described to us before,
about maybe a little canopy of people.
- I don't know what you think...
- It just looks so dark, I don't like it.
- But it'll be lit.
- Is the floor going to be black?
- I'm saying, it'll be lit.
- You don't want black walls and a black floor.
These are star lights all around here.
- Do you?
- No.
- Star lights, like little stars.
- I don't care.
That's a black floor, and it's not right
for a wedding. That's my opinion.
It makes it easier for you
to stand out in whatever, in your white,
or what I thought was using a color.
I just don't like the sound of it.
Well, carry on.
- Thank you. Cheers. Carry on.
- I don't like it at all.
- Matt.
- What if...
Few flowers or something.
Looks like a morgue.
- Flowers don't exist in this theme.
- Yeah.
Busby Berkeley was not full of flowers.
- What are you doing?
- It's about angles. Geometrics. Art Deco.
Shapes, bodies of...
She's nodding. She knows.
What are the lights for?
The great thing about the spotlights
is we'll just see you,
- not people hanging around.
- What's the point in having people then?
Shut the fuck up! Seriously. Shut the fuck up.
- Matt, excuse me.
- Excuse nothing.
- I don't want language like that.
- No, we had this out yesterday.
- You shut up.
- I beg your pardon! Goodness me!
- Who the hell do you think you are?
- We're losing the wedding planners now.
- It's gone pear-shaped.
- It's not gone pear-shaped. You put it...
- Your fault. Not mine. Not Sam's. Not Jen's.
- You put it pear-shaped.
You shouting like as though
you're on a barrow in a market.
If you want to come and see us,
you two, getting married, do.
But we don't need your sister
and your mother, it is not their wedding,
- and we won't do it.
- Sort your sister out. You sort her out.
- Can you leave my house, please?
- It would be an absolute joy.
This green is giving me a headache.
Speaking of headaches...
Stop commenting on my house.
Oh, my godfathers, I tell you what.
I've had it with you.
I've had enough. I've had enough.
- Right. OK. Take care.
- Thank you.
- You need that house, so call us.
- I don't want to talk to her again.
That makes two of us. Thanks a lot.
Thanks for coming over. Safe journey.
Well, that was a waste of time.
That's all we need.
I'm only trying to help. I tell you what, you
might as well pack your fucking bags and go,
cos you've really upset me this time,
I tell you what.
You won't apologize and repair it this time.
Bugger off.
Matt's gone.
I don't know where he is.
He could be lying on a park bench
somewhere. He's gone because of you.
Cos of the way you behaved yesterday.
Don't say you're worrying about him.
Not after the way he behaved.
Shouting at your sister, shouting at me,
shouting in front of you.
Language like that? No.
He's shouting because
he can't stand it any more.
And I can't stand it any more.
Stand what any more, Sam?
Stand me and Mum trying to help?
Me coming back off a cruise, I'll do the
choreography, be in a dream ballet sequence.
I was so pleased when I heard
you were coming back from the cruise.
I was so excited to see you. And then
you come back and you just try and take over.
It's like you don't trust
that I can do it on my own.
I've had to sit there and watch you and
clap you, with half a flamingo on your head,
Going, "Oh, look at Jen, look at Jen."
And it's my turn now.
I want to have a chance. I want to have
a chance. I want it to be me and Matt.
Me and Matt getting married, loving each
other. Getting married in that spotlight.
Give me one day, just one chance,
to have my day, my wedding day,
and I want you to be there loving me,
and supporting me.
Not making me feel like some idiot.
Hello.
Morning, Matt. Are you well?
Cheers. Thanks a lot.
You're not the first person to turn up here
before a wedding, freaking out.
No. You've just got to accept
the fact that it's a stressful time,
take some time out and look after yourself
and look after her, and don't get so wound up.
You need a bit of me time.
That's what you need.
It's very difficult. There's so much pressure.
Particularly with this...
What is that?
Jesus Christ! What are you...
What are you doing?
Stop it. St...
Sorry, I'd better go and...
It's Julie. Julie Andrews.
Fly, my Romeo, fly.
He's coming down, he's coming down.
Oh!
- Archie, look!
- Aw...
My lovebirds.
That's beautiful.
Oh, Archie.
Just put something on, please.
I'm not gonna get dressed
just because your mother's coming.
- I'll have to go somewhere else.
- It's our room.
When I go to her house,
then I'll put some clothes on.
- Tubsy, darling.
- Mummy, hello.
- How are you, sweetheart?
- Good, thank you. How are you?
I'm fine. What have they done to you, then?
Where have they put you?
- Oh, it's quite nice.
- It is nice.
Sweetheart, you're looking thinner.
Well done, that's excellent.
Right. Well, I've had a long day,
so it's lovely to be here.
There you are, sweetie.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Mrs. Roberts. Well, I suppose now
I should call you Mum, really, shouldn't I?
- Erm...
- Pleasant trip?
Oh, my God.
Look at them.
- That is ridiculous.
- We're fucked.
That is absolutely ridiculous.
'Ere, move over.
I'm almost on these chairs here.
You ready, Mum?
See, I don't know where Matt's coming from.
Is that him? Is that us, Jenny? Is this us?
- Five, six, seven, eight, go.
- Go.
Lower the arm.
- God.
- What's he doing here?
Oh, no, I don't believe...
How come he knew about it? Who's been
talking to him, that's what I want to know.
- Well, Matt obviously knew about it.
- I could have been warned.
You all right? Don't get upset, Mum, don't
get upset, cos then it's like he's winning.
All right, Dave?
You never said.
I wasn't sure if he was gonna come,
but I'm glad. Shall we get on?
Well, it would have been nice if you could
have told me your dad was going to be here.
- Sorry.
- Is he going to be dancing?
- Yeah.
- No.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Up! Down! Up! Down!
- Up, two, three...
- Go!
One, two, three, four!
And run. Good, very good. Perfect.
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
- One, two...
- I'm sorry, but...
- Keep going!
- One, two...
- He's too close to me.
- Up, two, three, four. And up...
- For God's sake, Dave, do me a favor.
...and over, and over.
- I'm trying my best.
- How can anyone be so insensitive?
- You punch me in the back of the head.
- I'm not Fred Astaire.
- Pushing me.
- I'm not Ginger Rogers.
And if you're not pushing me,
I can feel you making me lose me balance.
Chris, there's only a little bit of room.
We've all got to...
All right. What I'm saying is, he's standing
right next to me, bish, bash, bosh.
- It's very hard.
- I'm doing my best.
- We've all got to try...
- If you were a bit more sensitive.
And...
- Hi.
- Hi, guys.
What's happened?
What's happened to your face?
The nose job. The nose job.
This is just protecting it.
- It's next week!
- How long's it on for?
- It's gonna be fine.
- Don't worry about the timing.
We're not worried about this any more.
I'm only worried because I had to pay for it.
Right. Cliff Richard?
- Very possibly.
- What do you mean, possibly?
He's out of the country,
but he said if he can get back, he will,
and if not he's got somebody he'll send
who is more like him than he is.
- So that's...
- Big ball? The big ball?
- We've got you a big ball.
- Where is it?
- It's arriving on the day.
- On the day?
- It's 1,000 a day.
- How many, erm, how many ball boys?
- Six.
- Or possibly even eight.
Choreographer?
We're still talking to her,
we're still talking to her.
It's just that we've got so many weddings...
If we can get a shape, right?
We haven't really got the budget
for a choreographer, but...
Listen to me. If we can get a shape to it,
on the day we can get her in, hopefully,
we're talking to her, we can get her in,
and she can tidy it up at the end.
She's busy with 42 dancers
in the other wedding.
She is the choreographer,
and the choreographer...
- Choreographs.
- Dance pieces.
And provides ideas.
- Yes, but...
- Provide ideas.
No, no, that's what couples do
who want to get married.
- We have given our ideas!
- Where have your ideas been?
- We gave you ideas.
- We wanted ball boys,
we wanted you to arrive at a net,
we wanted you in Edwardian clothes,
- and everything was thrown out.
- No, you didn't. When have... What...
We came to you at your club and said:
"Entrance of ball boys
to prepare your arena for you."
It's not our fault that you don't
have enough friends to bring along
who can do these things for you.
- Fuck you!
- Oh, no, please...
- No, we have friends!
- Well, where are they?
Fuck off about the friends.
This is not about friends.
- Of course it is. On the day, we need people...
- They can't make it.
Her family are from Canada.
Know how far away that is?
We can't afford it cos we've
had to spend all our money on her nose.
Thanks very much.
Oh, Arch, come on, don't be silly.
Come on, don't be silly.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, come on. It's not your fault.
I don't like him shouting...
Oh, come here. Come here.
You silly sausage. Silly sausage.
It's not your fault though.
Come on, my big bear.
Don't be silly. Come on.
Don't be silly.
Oh, they're coming back.
Come on, don't let them see you like this.
Why not?
They just think I'm a stupid puff anyway.
Don't be stupid.
I'm the puff, you're the straight man.
Don't be silly.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK now.
I just wonder how long
before she gets sick of me, really.
Before she, um...
You know. Especially if we don't win the
competition, I've got nothing to offer her.
I'm at the end of my tennis career, and...
- OK.
...I've got no money,
and I don't know whether,
you know, whether in a year's time
she'll still want to be married,
you know, if I haven't
provided anything good for her,
or, you know,
if I'm not winning any tennis matches.
They're under huge pressure,
these, you know, these people,
to sort of have the perfect wedding,
and they...
So it's natural that they should
take that out on us a bit, I suppose.
You know, if we don't like it,
then we wouldn't be doing it, would we?
- You're tired, aren't you?
- Sorry?
- You're just tired. He's just tired.
- No, I'm not tired. I'm fine.
Tell Mr. Rusedski to ring me,
I won't ring again.
The wedding's really soon.
He wanted to come. OK?
Josef Worrell, you have my number.
Thank you.
Do you like it?
Yeah.
- You don't.
- I do.
Why are you crying? Don't cry.
- It's good?
- No, I do, I like it. Don't cry.
It's OK. I like it. I love it.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- It's just a bit of a shock.
- Do you want to see it from the side?
- OK.
- OK.
Hey. You look gorgeous.
- All right?
- All right? I'm tremendous.
Terribly exciting, isn't it?
How can that nose go on a front cover?
I didn't say it specifically,
but I implied "change it for the better".
Well, it wasn't, was it?
- It's ever so subtle.
- I know.
- It's out here.
- I know.
It looks like it's been broken and then reset.
Is that the mother over there?
- She's not going to be naked, is she?
- No.
No one wants to see that.
- Who's that?
- That's her sister.
Sister of who?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Are you insisting that they wear clothes?
- I think it would be better.
I too. I couldn't agree with you more.
Now let's just stop the silly stuff, shall we?
Thanks.
"Looking at the view"?
I've heard that one before.
- Mum!
- I weren't born yesterday.
Do you think Jen would be that cheap
to go upstairs with a stranger and have sex?
- Mum, excuse me, we was talking.
- I mean, she's...
This is my little girl here.
I can assure you, sir,
that nothing happened... Vivien? Vivien?
- Er, so, here's to a wonderful day.
- Here's to Confetti.
Cheers!
Oh, look, look.
Somebody's set this right-handed.
No, but it's good. It's good.
It's lovely, it's lovely.
It's just detail, it's just detail.
- Start getting ready now.
- I am getting ready.
- All right.
- Look, what's this?
I know. They need to come out,
you need to be... Go see Marella now.
- Is everybody all right?
- Yeah.
- OK, I think a few people have disappeared.
- They've just gone to the loo.
Please just make it a loo run
and nothing else. All right?
- You look absolutely fabulous. Smashing.
- Thank you.
- So do you.
- Thank you very much.
Can't say I hope you win, cos I don't.
But anyway, good luck. Hope it goes well.
- Yeah, I hope yours goes well. Really do.
- Thanks.
Is everything all right? No panic?
- No. It's lovely.
- Is it?
- I'm worried...
- What are you talking about?
- I just don't know if I can do it, I mean...
- Hey, hey, no, no, no.
- Just cos of the singing...
- You'll be fine, darling.
Sam, listen to me. Listen to me. Breathe.
- Your singing is...
- I think I'm going to be sick.
- Sam, do you want me to come?
- I feel sick.
- Sam?
- Keep her hair away from her face.
- OK.
- Otherwise you get sick on the hair.
If it's something different,
something you like, and you think:
"Well, I haven't seen this before." That's not...
Regardless of whether you like it or not.
If you hate it, step back and say,
"Original, but I didn't like it."
Just popped by to say, on behalf of Confetti
magazine, the best of British. All right?
- Thanks.
- And I think you've got a very strong chance.
- Thank you. That's very nice.
- Smashing.
lf, erm... Yes, if you keep your clothes on.
See you later.
What I'm about to say now
is not meant as a criticism, I swear to you.
But you know you're sort of
painted brown, some of...
It's just, like, there's a line,
and I don't know if...
If you want to change it...
maybe you didn't notice it.
But I know you're a perfectionist,
I thought you might want to change it.
- Cos you're a perfectionist...
- What do you mean?
- I've fake tanned it, I've just, like, done it...
- I know, but...
Yeah, but you don't get brown palms when
you sunbathe. You don't sunbathe like that.
But not everyone
looks like Biffo the Bear.
Cos I mean, like, there's a sort of brown,
and there's a white...
We have to win. We have to win.
So we will win. We will win. Come on, Josef.
Come on. Do you want to go through it?
Wha...
- What if we lose?
- We're not gonna lose.
- Why? How do we know?
- Because we're winners!
We are winners. We're gonna win this.
They'll kill us out there.
I'm sure you'll all agree with me
when I say marriage is about commitment,
and we at Confetti magazine are committed
to pushing the envelope in weddings.
Today is about new and exciting weddings,
things that you haven't seen before.
I know the couples are backstage now,
I know you can hear me.
Do remember, the work is over now,
everything is prepared.
So just relax, take a breath,
and get ready to enjoy yourselves.
Let's move on to our first wedding,
I think it's taking place over here.
You can probably guess the theme.
Ladies and gentlemen, Confetti gives you:
Josef and Isabelle.
Welcome to Wimbledon
on this absolutely glorious summer's day.
There's a palpable sense of excitement
here amongst this full house.
A real buzz around center court.
This really does promise
to be the most wonderful occasion.
Oh, and here they are! Here they come!
I say!
Aw!
- Who's going to call?
- I will.
Heads.
- I'm sorry, it's tails.
- I'll serve.
Josef Cecil Worrell
has won the toss and elected to serve.
Quiet, please.
Play.
I, Josef Cecil Worrell, know of no legal reason
why I may not be married
to Isabelle Frances Fontaine.
I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,
know of no legal reason why
I cannot be married to Josef Cecil Worrell.
I, Josef Cecil Worrell,
take you, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.
I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, take you, Josef
Cecil Worrell, to be my lawful legal husband.
Isabelle...
I've never won a tournament,
but I don't care, because I've won you.
I know it's not been possible
to have any friends or family here today,
but that doesn't matter, cos you're here,
and that's all I'll need now and for ever.
Deuce.
Isabelle, I can't promise
I'll never be jealous again,
but I can promise that I'll look after you,
and love you, till the day I die.
Josef Cecil Worrell,
Isabelle Frances Fontaine,
it gives me great pleasure to pronounce...
Well, what a shame.
Covers are going on.
Looks like a passing shower,
so hopefully it'll not...
What's this? Someone's standing up.
It's Cliff Richard! Oh, my goodness.
He's going to sing!
What a privilege to be here.
Game, set, and match.
- You could try a bit harder.
- I am! But this isn't what we wanted to do.
I've had everybody telling us
what we have to do, sticking stuff on us.
I've got leaves in places I didn't know existed.
How do you think I feel?
They've done it to me.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
as if that wasn't a treat enough,
and I think it really was,
we've three weddings to get through,
and I can scarcely believe it,
we're onto our second.
This one's very interesting.
I love it, I love the concept.
I've not seen anything yet, but I love the idea.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Michael and Joanna.
Oh, Tubs.
I vow to never make you cover up
for shame or fear or duty.
You'll never need to shed your clothes
for me to see your beauty.
I won't ignore our differences,
but let them just connect.
One word for that is compromise,
a better one's respect.
They drove you mad, but do not fear,
for now you have a wife.
Your husband's here, screw them, my dear,
their wedding but our life.
You join the dots between the stars
like a pen of heaven's manna.
You make two houses into one.
You join me up, Joanna.
You're like an angel overhead,
but with me on a cycle.
Come live with me and be my love,
my Gabriel, my Michael.
Ladies and gentlemen,
now that Michael and Joanna
have exchanged head rings
and promised themselves to each other,
the solemn moment has come for
the couple to make their marriage contract.
If you'll please all stand.
I call upon these persons here present
to witness that I, Michael Gabriel Collier...
I call upon these persons here present
to witness that I, Michael Gabriel Collier,
do take thee, Joanna Martha Roberts,
to be my lawful wedded wife.
I call upon these persons here present
to witness that I, Joanna Martha Roberts,
do take thee, Michael Gabriel Collier,
to be my lawful wedded husband.
It gives me great pleasure to pronounce
you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Whoo-hoo!
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that was Michael and Joanna.
And I think we can all... Well, let's raise
our glasses to them, the happy couple.
Michael and Joanna.
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
Listen, everyone, we're not going
to worry about the steps, or the tune,
we're just going to have fun, all right? None
of us are singers, none of us are dancers.
- Well, I...
- I'm nervous of forgetting that bit.
But do you know what? It doesn't matter.
When we went through it I got it all wrong,
I thought, "I've let you down."
Girls, girls, this is stage fright.
I've seen it a thousand times.
- I don't want to let you down.
- Calm. Deep breaths.
This is going to be fabulous.
We're going to do a wonderful show.
For once in your life, Jen, I think you're right.
I want you to give the warm
reception you gave the others
to our final couple. It is Matt and Sam.
Right! Yeah!
- I love you.
- I love you, too. Right.
How are you two?
Matthew Norris, Samantha Whiston.
Marriage,
according to the law of this country,
is the union of one man and one woman,
voluntarily entered into for life,
to the exclusion of all others.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
Matthew and Samantha
are going to make their marriage vows
through the medium of song.
Once again, thank you so much
for sharing this day with us.
It's been so wonderful for us,
it's been really good of you
to open up your most precious day to
our magazine, Confetti. Thank you so much.
Smile, look like we're winners. They
won't give it to us if we look like losers.
Right. First off, let's go through
couple by couple, couple by couple.
The judge in the green suit seems to be a fan.
- He was lovely, wasn't he?
- He keeps saying, "Well done."
- Just wanted to say congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Good luck.
- Congratulations.
Yeah.
- We'll have a drink later.
- Yeah.
They are so two-faced.
Think about innovation.
It was really innovative.
- Well, let's all put down a score.
- Original. In that you wouldn't do it again.
- You look so beautiful. You absolutely do.
- So do you.
You've got a great body.
I had to tell him to stop looking at your bum.
- They know they've won, that's why...
- They don't. They have not won.
They have not necessarily won.
We could still win. For God's sake.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if I could have your attention, please.
The judging panel have reached a verdict.
And Vivien, the editor of the magazine,
has the golden envelope,
and it would be churlish not to let her do
the honors, she's done so much of the work.
So, Vivien, over to you.
OK. And the winner is...
Yes!
Matt and Sam!
Fix! It's a fix!
- No, I think not really the time...
- It's a fix!
Josef, it is not the time. Don't be a bad loser.
- It's a fix.
- It's not a tennis match.
- Donkey! Bring it on.
- It was a fair and square competition.
I object to that in the strongest possible
terms. Let Matt and Sam have their moment.
Round of applause for Matt and Sam.
Now, I've got the key, I've got the key
to a half a million pound house
for Matt and Sam, our winners,
winning fair and square.
Since that competition, I've trusted
my intuition. I've trusted in my dreams.
Because you have an idea like that,
and it's that big a success,
you think, "Well, just trust
in yourself and go for it."
So what I've done is take some of the profit
from that competition, the success of it,
and I've invested it in music.
Not just a couple of CDs.
I've bought a record label.
And, you know, doing some A&R.
Oh, please, God, you know,
the deeds are gonna come through soon.
They've told us, haven't they, not to worry.
It's all all right, it's OK.
But of course you never actually can believe
it until you're there, in your new home.
- So, we're keeping our fingers crossed.
- Yeah.
I would say to anyone
thinking of getting married, do it,
if you are doing it for the reason
that you just love the other person.
I went into a bit of a decline
after the weddings.
- Post-nuptial depression.
- In bed for four weeks.
Hit him pretty hard.
- But we're over that. I'm coaching.
- He's fantastic with children.
The forehand is this, there, there, there.
Got it? Right. Go away.
We're thinking
about one of our own.
Who knows what, er...
nose they'll... get.
Mainly, we've just sort of found out
that the only people we really need
to be naked in front of is each other.
We don't call ourselves naturists any more.
We call ourselves...
- Well, I call myself Michael.
- And I'm Joanna.
- And, er, yeah. That seems to work better.
- Better, I think.
- Erm...
- You're not doing this, are you?
- Are you... Are you really doing this?
- Shh, be quiet. This is my bit.
Er, Gregory Hough, erm... I...
Will you marry me?
Is that the right hand?
It's actually...
One love.
Peace.
Don't stand around on the edges of other
people's weddings crying at pretty brides
and thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be nice if?"
If you see what you want, go and get it.
So that's what we're doing.
And you should too.
Heron and Hough, your dreams are enough.
- You were great.
- Well, you were.