Gentlemen,
here's what we're up against.
Romano, Francis A.
Also known as "Pops. "
Alleged leader
of the Romano crime family...
with a network
of racketeering...
prostitution,
and underground casinos...
polluting the tri-state area.
This is Paulie Romano,
Pops' oldest son.
He's popular with the ladies
and good with a knife.
Though Paulie seems to have
those around him fooled...
sources indicate he is
functionally illiterate...
and has
an inferiority complex...
Leading to unexpected
outbursts of violence.
Peter Romano,
Pops' youngest son...
and the alleged muscle
of the family.
Spent time upstate
after a barroom incident.
Though he hides it well,
word is he's got...
deeply repressed
homosexual tendencies...
also leading to unexpected
outbursts of violence.
Leo Corrigan,
Pops' right hand man.
He's our informant still
inside the family circle.
With the information
we've received from Leo...
We've finally got Pops Romano
right where we want him.
Mr. Romano! Mr. Romano!
OK, OK, OK.
Hold it, hold it.
What's your response
to the charges against you?
What we have here
is a modern-day witch hunt.
The only thing
my client is guilty of...
is having a vowel
at the end of his name.
Pops, what do you think...
about spending the rest
of your life in prison?
Pops?
- Pops!
- Pops!
- Help!
- Get an ambulance!
- Pops, get up!
- Call an ambulance!
Stop that!
Stop it!
Get out of here. Stop it!
Hey, what's all this
lying around crap?
Get out of bed, you old faker.
Bet you got scotch
in this I.V., huh?
Ah, Leo, I'm gettin' old.
I can't even remember
doing half of this shit...
they're trying to pin on me.
- Eh...
- Pop, the trial's in a week.
I mean, they claim
they got an airtight case-
names, dates, numbers-info
on the whole organization.
Well, the only way
they could get that...
is if they had an informant.
No. They must've sent
some fed in undercover.
Undercover? God damn it.
Undercover.
All right.
They put somebody undercover.
We'll put somebody
undercover...
to destroy that evidence.
Wait, we can't do that.
Who the hell we going to send?
They got pictures and files
on us...
and everybody we deal with.
They can't possibly
know everybody.
I got someone.
- Can we trust him?
- He's family.
Whoa, whoa, Leo,
you're not talking about Corky.
Corky is dead for me.
Pops, you should've
smothered him in his crib.
Face the facts, guys.
There is no one else.
Right now, he's our best bet.
The kid's got to have at least
one family gene in him.
Today's
another day to find you
Shyin' away
I'll be comin'
for your love, OK?
Take on me...
Watch it, asshole!
Morning, Hank!
Take me on, take on me
I'll be gone
In a day or two
So, needless to say
I'm odds and ends
But I'll be stumblin' away
Poodles and Pussies.
- Corky.
- Hey, Dr. Kipper, how are you?
Corky, things are a little
slow around here today.
I'm wondering,
could you take over for me?
I have a very important
appointment with...
uh, it's a dentist.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Uh-oh.
Someone's got the trots.
Corky, are you a mind reader?
No. I just saw some business
in the parking lot...
and it looked fresh.
Judging by consistency
and pigmentation...
I could tell it came
from a cat, probably calico.
Hello, Mr. Langford,
how are you?
High five, Oscar.
High five, high five.
Oh, let me guess-arthritis?
How did you know?
I saw him shifting his weight
off his paw, but don't worry.
We'll have him up
and sniffing butts in no time.
My God, Connie,
your hair looks beautiful.
Ho ho! I accidentally
threw it in the wash...
that had a red shirt in it.
- Ha ha ha!
- I see you brought Pierre.
- Bonjour,Pierre.
- Bonjour.
Ohh.
He's our only reason
for living.
I understand.
He's one of the good ones.
I am here with my baby,
Jesus, for his checkup.
Oh, yeah.
Well, Mrs. Hernandez...
We'll have to put him
on a little macrobiotic diet...
of seaweed and barley.
Plus, you'll have
to administer vitamins...
six times a day-rectally.
Oh.
Kill my baby.
Oh, no, no, no.
You don't have to.
Please. He's lived long enough.
I just can't kill things,
though.
I just can't.
I could find him a home.
No. Kill him!
Oh, my little baby.
Oh, my baby, my baby.
You know, when I lose a pet...
I like to pour myself
a little sleepytime tea.
Do it!
OK.
Oh, eee.
Oh, I'm-
I'm sorry.
Let me just get-
just wipe off the...
Wipe off with paper towels.
Oh! Uh...
Sorry. Aah! Ow! That's hot!
I'm sorry. I'm-
All right.
That's a good bird.
OK.
OK, here we go.
There you go.
Here's your mom.
Here you go.
Florence, a little help!
OK. There you go.
Right up there.
There you go.
Pierre!
Baby Jesus! Pierre!
Pierre!
Oh.
What are you doing
under there?
Come on, get out of there.
Come on, come on.
Let go-Uhh!
Ahh.
Pierre.
Let go, baby Jesus.
Let go. Let go. Let go.
Come on. Let go!
Let go, baby Jesus. Let go.
Let go, baby Jesus. Let go.
- Poodles and Pussies.
- Let go, baby Jesus.
Corky, you have a phone call.
Come on.
I'm a little busy right now.
- It's your brother.
- Come on.
Hug? Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
How's dad doing?
Not good, and he's waiting
for you upstairs.
OK.
Hey, Paulie. How are ya?
You look fit.
What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
We're going to start over, OK?
It's nice to see you, buddy.
Well... that was nice.
- Corky.
- Papa.
Hi, papa.
I brought you something.
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell.
This is the very same copy...
that you and mom used
to read to me when I was sick.
What is it, papa?
You want to say something?
You're kneeling
on my air tube, asshole.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I got it. I-I'm so sorry.
I got it now. I got-
I got it.
This thing's slippery.
Heh heh!
Ahh. Ay yi yi.
Come on, Pops,
this is ridiculous.
Look at him. He should be
wearing a helmet.
Corky, come here.
I'm not going to lie
to you anymore.
I'm not a landscaper.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Get your head out of the sand,
shit for brains.
How many landscapers
you know...
get paid in briefcases
full of cash, huh?
Oh, you-you do do
some landscaping though, right?
I dabble in
money laundering, gambling...
and the occasional landscaping.
Now, look, son...
I know you're not comfortable
with the family business...
but we don't have much time.
I want you to go undercover
as an FBI agent...
and destroy the evidence
against me.
Oh.
But I have animals
that depend on me.
We'll send someone
to fill in for you.
Do you really think I'm
the most qualified? I mean...
The consensus is that
you're the least qualified...
but you're family.
Could I, uh...
could I-could I-
could I think about this?
What's to think about, Corky?
Can't you see Pops
swallowed his pride...
just asking you to do this?
When's the last time you lifted
a finger for this family?
It's just all-You know,
it's all happening so fast.
Wait, wait.
Let me talk to him.
Look, kid, think of this
as your chance to make amends.
You know
you broke your pop's heart...
when you turned your back
on the family business.
I didn't turn my back. They
kicked me out after mom died.
Irregardless, what matters now
is your family needs you.
What do you say, kid?
Paulie, you get another DUl
you need fixed?
No, I need you to send
something to the FBl.
Can you handle that?
Peter,
look who you're talking to.
I got a 120-gig hard drive...
and a digital connection
NASA would envy.
Whoa!
Is that one of those epsons...
you can print
greeting cards on?
Shut up, Corky.
OK, tell me exactly
what you need.
I need you
to plant Corky here...
with the FBI station
in Park Realm.
Set him up with a fake
background, name, and resume.
And it better be a good one...
because if they don't
accept his transfer...
I'm personally
going to download...
500 megabytes
of my fist up your ass.
Uh, technically,
you'd be uploading that.
But, you know, not
that I'm a computer whiz...
or anything, because I'm not.
Just do the right thing,
Dexter.
I don't want
to have to kill you.
Come on.
Let's settle down, huh?
All right.
What should his name be?
I really don't care
what you call him, Pissant.
Come on, guys.
For my resume,
I'm very good with animals.
Thanks.
If you're going to keep
hanging out with us...
could you at least
try and carry yourself...
a little bit more like us,
please?
Oh, you mean with unmitigated
rage and violence?
Look, stop trying to talk
like mom, all right?
You're too soft.
You complimented that guy
on his equipment...
and then you thanked him
for his time.
I mean, Christ, Corky,
you might as well give him...
a glass of wine
and a handshake.
Are you guys familiar
with the expression...
"you catch more bees
with honey than vinegar"?
You know that one.
Ow! Ow! Ouch!
What is your problem?
Paulie,
where the hell is this place?
- I don't know.
- What place?
The motel.
But I thought I was staying
in the house in my old room.
- You can't stay in the house.
- Why not?
Well, a couple of reasons.
Number one, the house
is under surveillance.
Number two, we turned
your old room into a gym...
and threw out all your shit.
I thought I was going to-
God, what is-
Why did-
why did you do that?
- Shut up.
- Listen to your brother.
All right,
pull down your pants.
No.
Corky, I'm not going
to give you a wedgie.
I'm going to put a wire on you.
It's Uncle Leo's idea...
in case you get
in over your head in there.
Let's go. Pull down your pants.
Let's go.
- Hey.
- Come on!
- Stop that.
- Knock it off!
OK. I'm sorry.
Move your hands.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
All right,
give me a sound check.
Go ahead.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder where you are
All right, we're good.
We're good. That's good.
- B-i-n-g-
- We're good.
OK. All right.
When you get in there,
keep a low profile.
Don't prance around like
the goddamn Little Mermaid.
In and out.
No bullshit. Got it?
All right, you better walk
the rest of the way.
You know what this
kind ofreminds me of?
When I was younger,
and mom dropped me off...
at Camp Young and Chubby
for overweight teens.
And I was crying,
because I didn't want to go...
but at the end of the summer...
I was crying because
I didn't want to leave.
Isn't it weird...
how thingsjust kind of
work out that way?
Fifty bucks says he doesn't
make it through the front door.
There's a man
who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets
he stays a stranger
With every move he makes...
Sir, spread your arms, please.
Odds are he won't live
to see tomorrow...
Could you empty your pockets,
please, sir?
Pull me out!
Empty your pockets,
please, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
realize you were an agent.
I didn't know
you were with the bureau.
Yes, I am with the bureau.
Ahem. I'm sorry. I just-
I had a little too much coffee.
I'm just a little wired.
Aah!
I mean "wired" as in "jumpy. "
I don't mean "wired"...
as in there's a concealed wire
in my crotch.
I mean, an FBI agent
wearing a concealed wire...
in his crotch-I mean,
that would be crazy, right?
Right?
You can go now, agent.
I will go now. Thank you.
Excuse me.
I had a small confrontation
at the checkpoint...
but don't worry.
I kept a cool head...
and I eradicated
any possible suspicions.
Agent Pissant?
Ah!
Yes. Hi. Uh...
Oh, actually, that's, uh...
that's Pissant.
Well, the transfer came
through at an opportune time.
We could use someone
with your experience...
on our special task force.
Ooh!
A special task force, huh?
That's right.
An elite team I've assembled-
the best of the best...
exclusively devoted
to catching the Night Vulture.
Night Vulture?
Number six
on the most wanted list.
The biggest heroin supplier
on the east coast...
not to mention
the most sadistic.
Grr!
The last four guys
that pissed him off...
ended up
with their genitals severed.
I asked the coroner
about the weapon.
He says there was none.
That son of a bitch
did it with his bare hands.
Oh.
I'm Agent Howard Shuster,
station director.
Hi.
This is Brick Davis,
senior agent...
and my right hand man.
Agent Pissant.
Uh, actually,
that's, uh...
it's Pissant.
It's-it's-
You know, it's French.
Davis
is the best man in his field.
Right now,
he's about to take down...
the city's most dangerous
crime boss.
We're all but guaranteed
a conviction.
That's just one down.
By the time I'm finished...
the whole family
will be injail.
I'vejust been
reviewing your resume.
Quite impressive,
but a degree from Harvard...
three commendations
for bravery...
and an olympic medal
for sharpshooting...
won't get you
out of the trenches.
We need all hands on deck
around here.
Good day.
Good day.
Sir? Thank you.
Nice tie.
Thank you.
It should give
some lucky sniper...
a nice target to aim for.
Probably, huh?
Just go. Go.
I want to go home.
- What happened?
- Have you seen my resume?
It says I know
five different languages.
I'm an expert sharpshooter.
I'm a black belt
in something called...
gyoing gyoing gyoing
something?
So the hacker
went a little crazy.
Ah, none of this shit matters.
Just go in there
and get the evidence.
Then you can go back
to giving hamsters enemas...
or whatever the hell you do.
- No!
- Get in there.
- No, I don't wanna!
- Get in there!
No, I don't wanna let go!
I don't wanna!
I don't wanna let go!
All right. OK, OK.
Put me down. Put me down.
Come here.
Come here, God-
All right, forget about it,
Paulie. This is pointless.
You know what?
We're going to have to have...
an ambulance standing by...
for when we break the news
to papa.
OK. I'll do it.
I'm sorry.
Which way to the evidence room?
Thank you.
Hi.
You must be Pissant.
Yeah. Actually, that's...
It's Pissant.
It's-it's French.
I'm Russo, part of
the Night Vulture task force.
Really?
Hi.
Heh heh.
What'd you say
your full name was?
Russo. Agent Russo.
What a beautiful,
beautiful name.
Russo, Pissant,
we need you. He struck again.
You're kidding. Who?
The Night Vulture.
A rival drug dealer
was butchered and mutilated...
on 39th street.
Let's go.
Pissant!
Oh.
Where the hell is he going?
Abrasions on left elbow.
Pooling of blood near torso.
Victim was shot, mutilated,
and dragged.
No consistency of clumps and
bile stain on magazine caddy.
Set time of death at 6:00 p. m.
Hi. Hi.
Hey, ma'am, how are you?
- Hey, mister.
- Hello, agent.
Do you guys smell that?
What's going on?
How are you?
- Agent.
- Hi.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
What is it? You got something?
What happened?
Shouldn't we call someone?
Aah! Oh, my God!
What is this?
What is that?
Is that his wiener?
Shouldn't we have somebody
put that back on?
Maggots-that is so gross.
Maggots? Where?
Right there,
in their larval stage.
Maggots take
at least eighteen hours-
Wait a minute. Maggots take
at least 18 hours to hatch.
You're right.
Change the time of death from
6:00 p. m. to before 12:00 p. m.
- Good work, agent.
- Oh. Grr!
Jackpot-a full kilo.
Someone want to run this
over to evidence?
Yes, I-I-
Oh.
Ohh! Oh! Aah! Where is that?
Here.
Uhh!
We're here.
Nice work, agent.
- Oh, thanks.
- Good-bye.
Oh.
Well, we can't chitchat
all day, can we?
So, uh...
maybe I'll see you sometime.
Hi. Hi, poochie. Hi. Hi.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Poochie can't reach the water?
No?
Poochie want some water?
Poochie thirsty?
There you go. You're
a tough action police dog.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
OK. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Put that down.
Put it down. Put it down.
Come on. Give me the coke.
Give me the cocaine.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Let go. Let go.
Come on. Poochie, come on.
Come on, come on. Poochie.
The evidence room-where?
Agent Pissant, there's
a group of second graders...
from thejunior crimefighters
league in the auditorium.
I want you to give them
a few words on law enforcement.
Now.
As a special treat, kids...
we have
a real live FBI man here...
to talk to us
about what it's like...
to be a federal agent.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
It's a little loud.
The clapping's
a little loud.
Yes? Question? Question?
You have a question?
You don't have a quest-
You don't? You don't?
You do? You don't?
It's kind ofhot in here.
They're making pants tighter.
I don't know,
because I don't wear jeans.
Yes! Question?
I should buy a boat!
Don't you think? No?
Question?
God, I got to just-
Yes! You have a question?
No?
You do? You don't?
You do? You don't?
Oh, no, that's cool.
You don't have to.
No. You know,
just do your own thing.
I'm up here. You're
down there. That's cool.
OK, so-Yes?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Who's this freak?
I don't know.
Get a shot ofhim.
What the hell are you doing?
They could be
watching the place.
Yeah, I know. That's why
I have the disguise on.
Ohh!
Who's that guy?
That's Shuster.
He's the, uh... director guy.
Who's next?
That's Brick Davis.
Is he the guy with the tan
and the muscular thighs?
What?
Who are
these two chuckleheads?
That's Cox and Darnell.
Hey, Paulie, write up
a card for Cox and Darnell.
Oh, come on, Leo.
I'm absorbing here, you know?
You'rejust lazy.
Make out a card.
Papa, I'm not lazy. I-I...
I don't even got
my reading glasses.
Aw, Jesus.
Is there anybody else?
Uh...
No.
I thought I saw a chick.
Yeah, here it is.
A lot of good that does us.
I was a little distracted.
Well, get undistracted,
dipshit. This is crunch time.
- Sorry.
- Hey, pop, relax.
OK, next time,
I'll take care of the pictures.
All right,
I want you to head...
straight
for the evidence room...
so we canjust end
this shit today.
You got it?
Got it.
Keep the engine running...
because I'm going right in
and coming right back out...
so you guys keep it running.
Hi.
Hi.
What you doing?
Oh, I brought you something.
Great.
This is just a little something
to get you through the day.
It's funny because it's true.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I have to go now.
- OK.
Yes, I know.
That's Mandarin for "hello. "
I spent some time
in China myself.
You do speak Mandarin,
don't you? It's on your resume.
Yeah. No, I actually-
Ijust spoke it this morning.
I was just thrown off
by your dialect.
I was actually taught
the language...
by an upper-class family,
Su Sussudio.
You think I'm stupid,
don't you?
- No.
- Listen, you little punk.
I'm on to you.
I don't know
how you got this far...
but you can't bullshit
your way through the FBl.
You better watch your back.
You got that?
- You got it?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Good.
Come on.
Shuster wants to see us.
It's about the Night Vulture.
This group
of neo-nazi skinheads...
is moving black tar heroin
for the Night Vulture.
They could be the vein that
leads us to the motherlode-
the Night Vulture himself.
The Night Vulture is number 6
on the most wanted list.
Pissant.
I want you to go in
and make a buy.
Great!
But don't you think
you might be, um-
ahem-wasting my talent
on something this simple?
I mean, why don't you get
Agent Cox and Darnell?
I mean, they seem like
really sweet guys.
We need a pro.
You will carry out
this assignment.
That is all.
Take down your pants.
We're going to tape this wire
to your crotch.
Oh, no, we can't do that,
but thank you.
- Why not?
- I have, uh...
very, very sensitive gonads.
All the men in my family do.
My grandpa
back in World War II...
is nicknamed
"Old cotton balls," so...
I don't want to hear any more
about your family's balls.
- OK.
- We'll tape it to your chest.
Cox, give me a razor.
We'll shave him.
Hmm?
Let's see
what you got today.
Come on. Man, you're
going to do five of them.
Come on, let's go,
you little wimp!
Hurry, let's go!
You ain't nothing.
You suck.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
Howdy!
What do you want, bitch?
I just thought
that I can get some heroin...
and then we can all go out
and commit some hate crimes.
Haah!
- We lost transmission.
- Are we going in?
No. Pissant's been
in this situation before.
I'm sure he can handle himself.
I've only been with
the FBI for, like, two days!
Take him
to the warehouse at pier seven.
You know, bad dogs aren't born,
they're made.
We're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it
- Ooh!
- Ow!
Anymore
Oh!
Hey!
Ohh!
He must've disengaged his own
wire and left with them.
As soon as it went to static,
we went in...
but they were already gone.
- Sir, you have a call.
- Not now.
Sir, it's Agent Pissant.
Yes.
Hey, guys.
My God, Pissant.
You did this all by yourself?
Eichmann...
Come here, Eichmann.
Eichmann, that tickles.
Hey, hey, it's Pissant.
- Hey!
- All right!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go tinkle.
Pissant.
Hi.
Oh. I was just going to go
find you and-and say hi.
Hi.
What you got?
It was recovered
at the apartment-
the only hard evidence we have
against the Night Vulture.
Fingerprints all over it...
but we haven't been able
to get a make.
Uhh!
That... Night Vulture guy...
Phew!
I'm going to do
some young mu kwon.
Would you like to join me?
You don't fit the profile
of a typical fed.
What do you mean?
It's nothing bad.
It's actually refreshing.
Oh.
I'm just doing
this FBI thing...
to pay some bills
before I get to my real career.
And what's that?
I'm going to be
a licensed veterinarian...
and own my own animal hospital.
- How sweet.
- Thanks.
Kyah, kyah, kyah!
Mmm!
I'm going to try
the tang soo do. Ready?
- Yeah.
- Nim-po!
Look, you don't have
to go easy on me.
What?
See, this is what
I'm talking about.
Every man here is afraid
to go full contact with me.
I'm not a barbie doll.
Now come on!
Hit me.
417 in progress. Let's go.
Oh. Gotcha.
I'm going to go get my thermos.
Didn't you hear him?
A 417. Come on.
Oh.
Back off!
Situation?
Night Vulture suspect,
heavily armed.
He's got seven hostages
in that building.
- Demands?
- None.
- I'll go get my rifle.
- Wait.
Pissant's our ace in the hole.
You know the drill.
Take him out.
I'll blow his head off!
Now back off!
Back off!
God!
Sorry. Sorry.
I was just lining up the shot.
Hey, Nash Bridges,
you got the safety on.
Oh, my dog!
Man down!
I'll cover you.
A dog.
What are you doing?
It's dead.
Here. Hold this.
What?
This looks like
a collapsed esophagus.
I've seen Dr. Kipper
fix one of these before.
Fix what? Who's Dr. Kipper?
Think, Corky, think.
Got it. I got it, I got it.
You've been in an accident, but
you're going to be all right.
Now run along.
Run along, run along, run along.
That was amazing.
What was amazing?
What-what you just did.
You just saved that dog's life.
Pissant.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. Sure.
Listen, how'd you do that?
That was really something.
Yeah?
Yeah. How did you-
Listen, you little shit.
You put my life on the line...
as well as every other agent
out there.
Now, first chance I get...
I am going to send you
straight to hell, you got that?
Hello, sir.
Pissant,
what the hell is going on here?
Sir. Ahem. It wasn't me.
It was the gun.
It was all funky.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Sir...
I think what Agent Pissant
is trying to say...
is that the perp's gun
was a fake.
And he's right. Look.
Pissant, you're a cowboy...
but you've got to keep
the team up to speed.
We're not used to an agent...
with that kind of passion
and attention to detail.
Oh...
I will do my best, sir.
Sir, hostages
are safe and accounted for.
This clown
is not the Night Vulture.
Should I take him in?
No, no, no, let Pissant do it.
It's his baby.
Uhh! Uhh!
Uhh!
- Poodles and pussies.
- Florence, hi.
How's Cousin Tony working out?
- What do you want?
- Can you help Jojo?
I think he's sick.
Yeah, sure, kid.
I'll fix him right up for you.
See, kid?
Jojo's all fixed up.
He just needed a new liver.
- How much?
- What do you got?
Keep up the good work, OK?
I'll be back lickety-split.
Bye, now.
Oh.
This will be love, because
I've had
The time ofmy life
And I've never felt
this way before
This, I swear
Is the truth
Sir, could you be a sport...
and open the door for me,
please, sir?
OK, I see.
Let me out ofhere!
And I'm going to-
Sir, could you please
not do that?
Sir?
Please don't do that.
Come on. Sir.
Come on. Don't do that.
Come on, sir.
Hello? Hey.
Look out for that truck.
Ow! Arm! Arm!
Excuse me. Sir.
Hi. How are you?
Sir! Please!
Yee-hoo! Yahoo!
Yaah!
Off of the car!
Hey, I got
a little problem here.
Hey,
ifl could get some help...
Uh, let me get a cup of
the rum raisin, then, please.
We don't have rum raisin, sir.
All our flavors
are listed on that sign.
All right, let me...
Give me a cup of the rocky road
there, then, please.
Hello? Please?
Hey, Paulie, come on already!
Shut up!
All right, just give me a cup
of the pistachio there.
The sign s-
What are you looking at,
pantywaist, huh?
You suck!
You suck, suck, suck!
The keys are right there.
If you could just...
turn off the car.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoa!
Cory, look out!
Get off of my car!
Don't put the-
Sir-
Aah!
What the hell is the matter
with you, dumbass?
You nearly got us killed.
What are you, retarded? Huh?
- What happened? You OK?
- Is everybody OK here?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- You OK?
I'm in control.
Just a little fender bender.
I'm totally in control.
What are you doing here?
All right, out of the car.
Come on, let's do it.
Assume the position.
Aw, come on!
Against the car.
What the hell
is all this stuff?
I'm helping my cousin move.
OK, boys,
tear this dago wagon apart.
Leave no seat unslashed.
Hold it!
What?
This guy just called me a dork.
- No, he didn't.
- No. Yeah, he did.
- I don't think he did.
- I saw-I read his lips.
This guy?
It's me. Corky. Hi.
On the ground, both of you!
All fours. All fours.
I got a little gift for you.
Sorry I didn't have time
to wrap it.
Pissant, take it easy.
People are watching.
Gahh!
Yeah!
Sniff that one, ass clowns!
Hey, Pissant, relax, man.
I mean, technically,
they didn't do anything wrong.
Get outta here!
Rarr!
What the hell are you doing?
Look, Davis, you're too soft.
Ahem. Sir.
- I'm sorry!
- Move it!
- Move it!
- Ow!
You're lucky there were
no chicks watching.
Now, did you at least
get the evidence?
No. I don't have it.
- Oh, for-
- You don't understand.
I am so close
that I can taste it.
- Where is it?
- I left it in the gym.
Christ, Corky,
what if somebody finds it?
No, it's OK!
It's in my briefcase!
It has my name... on it.
I ain't tellin' Pops.
The hospital says
he's getting worse.
They're sending a wet nurse
over here, Petey.
I think you mean
registered nurse.
Oh, really? Is that what
you think, Mr. Educated?
So now I'm the stupid one, huh?
Let me tell you something,
Corky.
When you was in vegetarian
school tugging llamas...
I was running numbers
for Pops, you understand me?
- Get outta here!
- Out!
And don't you come back-
Do not come back without
the evidence, you hear me?
All right, I'm going!
You know what?
Evidence! Evidence!
Hi, Corky.
Sorry. Sorry.
Looking for this?
I can explain.
- Explain it to Shuster.
- OK.
- How about now?
- Now's good.
Pissant, we need you ASAP.
- Not now. We're busy.
- This is priority.
A major heroin buy
is going down in Chinatown.
We think the Night Vulture's
supplying.
No.
That's a waste of time.
Get back to the planetarium
like I told you.
It's a virtual who's who
of Night Vulture suspects.
Sir, I don't know
who your source is...
but we've been
to the planetarium...
and it's on the level.
Nothing but field trips
and old women.
Exactly! The Night Vulture's
a chameleon!
It's just the kind of place
a sadistic son of a bitch...
like that would call home!
Sorry, sir.
This is direct from Shuster.
We're going to Chinatown, and
we're taking Pissant with us.
What's up, guys?
The seller's from Vietnam,
the buyer's from Thailand.
Sounds cool.
Where do I come in?
You translate.
Perfect.
What did he say?
He said that you have
very kind eyes.
Tell him I said thank you.
What?
What is going on?
Aah!
Someone get me outta here!
Peter! Paul!
Get me outta here!
You can ring my bell
Oh, yeah,
that's what I'm talkin' about.
Ring my, you can ring my bell
Ah, damn. They both got away.
No. Pissant got one.
You just reminded him of
this horse thief he once knew...
and I defended your honor...
and he grew angry.
You got a cool head, man.
Goin' down on your knees,
crying like a girl?
That was great!
That's something I learned
from our friend the possum.
It's a tactic he would use
to thwart off his enemies.
We'll back you up any time,
Pissant.
- Mm-hmm.
- Call me Corky.
- My name's Terrence.
- Hey.
- I'm Bob.
- Hey, Bob.
You guys want to get
an orange julius or something?
We can't. Brick is sending us
to collect evidence...
on some underground casino.
Do you guys know
where Kate is, by chance?
She'd probably get a kick
out of this whole thing.
- She's gone.
- What do you mean, gone?
We're not at liberty
to discuss that.
Yeah, I know.
She didn't leave a note...
or a joke or a little poem,
by chance, did she?
Nope. See ya.
Bye.
Pissant!
Give me one good reason...
I shouldn't can your ass
right now...
for breaking protocol
with that Romano file?
Sir, I just wanted to get
a closer look at the file...
and lend my expertise, sir.
You don't walk in
and take evidence!
You fill out an X-7-4!
And then you get it approved
by a superior! You got that?
Sir, the bottom line is,
because I got so excited...
I forgot
to follow procedures...
but I do take full
responsibility for my actions.
Pissant, you're an honest man.
That's a rare quality
in this day of buck-passing.
- I kind of admire that.
- Oh, what the hell?!
He just confessed
to breaking protocol!
At least he had the guts
to admit it.
We can all take a page
out of Pissant's book.
Good day.
Hi.
Hi.
You guys want some cookies?
I'm sorry, you guys.
What is it, Corky?
I couldn't get the-
Sweet Jesus!
Ay, Dios mo!
What is she doing here?
That's Esperanza,
dad's new nurse.
Don't worry about her. She
don't speak a word of English.
- How do you know my name?
- What?
- Corky.
- You said that name again.
Ha ha ha ha!
Why are you freakin' out?
I'm gonna go, uh, make some...
toaster strudel for everyone.
Anyone?
I assume everyone wants one.
What the hell
are you doing here?
What are you doing here? And
why are you dressed like that?
I just came from
a Girls of America meeting...
and I sponsor
one of the girls...
and it's traditional
that you wear...
these outfits at the meetings.
I don't have time to talk.
What are you doing here?
I realized no one's
gonna just hand me...
a good undercover case,
so I made Shuster...
send me in here
to collect more evidence.
- What about you?
- I'm undercover, too.
That is so typical!
Shuster gave me his word...
that he wouldn't
send a man to cover me.
No, I-I was just here first.
That's why I'm here now.
How come Shuster
didn't say anything?
He doesn't know.
You're undercover
without clearance or backup?
- That's insane!
- I know. It's crazy, isn't it?
Uh, look,
this area is totally covered.
You can back off now.
No. I worked hard for this.
You back off.
Look, I don't have time
to fight with you, OK?
I don't want you to get hurt.
I don't need you to protect me.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Romeo loved Juliet
Juliet, she felt the same
When he put his arms
around her
I gotta go.
Huh? Huh?
I can't believe this shit.
What happened?
Down at the casino,
they caught...
a couple of chumps
with hidden cameras.
Who are they?
A couple
ofyour little FBI buddies.
Cox and Darnell.
Black Beauty.
Black beauty.
You know,
I read this book to my son.
Now you try readin' it.
Go ahead. I'm gonna help you.
"The-the m-m-mor-morning... "
Very good. Sound it out.
Sound it out.
"The mor-morn... "
"... ing. "
"ing. "
Whoa. Where do you think
you're goin'?
Into the underground casino.
I heard you have
excellent craps...
and I'm in a crappy mood,
so... heh heh heh.
- You can't go in there.
- Says who?
The lady said beat it!
Understand?
Oh... yes, sir.
That's a good little bitch.
Now bounce this jive-ass fool.
Aah! Uhh.
It's gonna take
a heck of a lot more than that.
I took
a walk around the world
To ease my troubled mind
I left my body lying
Somewhere
in the sands of time
But I watched the world
Hey!
Fold to the dark side
of the moon
I feel
there's nothin' I can do
Yeah
Ow! Oh! God, my nose!
You pervert!
What?
Ifl go crazy, then will you
still call me Superman?
Ifl'm alive and well, will
you be there to hold my hand?
But I didn't do anything!
I'll keep you by my side
with my superhuman might
Aah! Aah!
Uhh! God!
Get out!
Uh! Ha ha ha! Uhh! Uhh!
Ahh. Ahh. Ahh.
- Uhh!
- You again.
Ooh! Aah!
Hmm?
Aah!
Hmm?
Waaaaah!
Let's introduce him to Shaky.
Get in there.
Hey, come on, you guys.
Someone's gonna get hurt.
Sorry, Mr. Romano.
I had no idea
you were with the family.
A- ah,
d- don't w-worry ab-bout it.
You g-guys
are just d-doing your j-job.
Is there anything
I can get you?
No, b-but
if it's OK with you...
m- maybe I can take
m- my friends with me?
That's another one
we owe you, Corky.
Yeah, what a waste.
We should have been helping you
catch the Night Vulture.
If you could, just don't tell
the guys in the department.
Mum's the w-word.
W- b-b-b-b-ah!
Psst!
Shh! Quiet!
Why are you still here?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
I'm a live-in.
That's what the informant
arranged.
Informant? What informant?
Ay!
- De corvato.
- Heh heh heh.
Soy una seorita.
- What?
- I don't know what that was.
You tomcattin' son of a bitch!
I had no idea
you were such a ladies' man.
Ha ha! Yeah.
Yeah, she's livin' here 2 days,
you're already poundin' her.
I was thinkin' about
makin' a move on her myself...
but, you know,
I can get another broad.
Say, Pete.
I haven't seen you
with a woman in a long time.
In fact, I don't think
I've ever seen you with a woman.
I just haven't found the right
filly yet, that's all.
Do you remember
when we were kids...
how we watched that Christmas
special about Rudolph...
and how Rudolph knew
he was secretly different...
from all the other reindeer?
And then, you know,
Rudolph tried to hide it...
but that just,
you know, ended up...
making Rudolph
angry and scared.
And then he met
Hermey the Elf, remember?
And he-he didn't-I didn't-
He didn't like to make toys.
And, uh, but that
actually made Rudolph...
feel like it was OK
to be different.
Do you remember that?
I don't have time
for this shit.
Come with me.
Agent Davisjust brought this
to my attention.
You wanna explain that?
Heh heh. Kinda looks like me,
doesn't it? A little...
It's because it is you, Judas.
Right in the belly
of the beast.
Looks like Mr. McFeely here...
has been
sleeping with the enemy.
Don't you see, sir?
He's been stealing evidence
for the family the whole time.
Well, it's not gonna happen.
I'm gonna make sure of that.
Pissant, is this true?
No, this is some-
This isn't me.
It's some postman.
- It's you.
- It's not.
- Yes, it is.
- Is not.
- It is you.
- Isn't!
- Yes, it is you.
- It's not me!
Knock it off, Davis!
Corky deserves a chance
to explain himself.
Knock it off?
You know, this buddy-buddy
shtick between you two...
is really starting
to wear thin.
What are you talking about?
You know damn well
what I'm talking about!
Pissant this and Pissant that.
"Hey, I got an idea.
Let's send Pissant. "
Well, I'm sick ofhearing
about Pissant.
When's the last time
you talked about me?
When's the last time
you congratulated me...
on a hostage negotiation
situation?
Or said, "Hey, Davis, bang-up
job on that wiretap"? Hmm?
It's like I don't even exist.
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is!
The other day,
I wore my badge...
on the outside
of my left lapel...
just to see if you'd notice.
Did you notice?
No. I got nothin'.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I was a little bit busy.
Yeah! Talkin' about
how great Pissant is!
Hey, Howard.
You wanted to see us?
Howard?!
What happened to "sir"?
It's "Mr. Shuster. "
And what is
with those ridiculous ties?
It's this jiggling
little fruitcake, isn't it?
- Christ! Relax, Brick.
- It's Agent Davis.
He's right. Relax, Brick.
You're right.
I'm sorry... Howard.
That's Agent Shuster!
Oh, what? I can't call you
by your first name...
'cause I'm not a member
of the groovy tie squad?
No, it's because
you're an asshole.
I am not.
Yeah, you are.
Everyone thinks you are,
including your wife.
Why do you think she left you?
Well, her job relocated her
to Paris.
Bullshit. Right now
she's up in Kennebunkport...
gettin' poked
by some lobster fisherman.
- Aah!
- Come on, easy!
- You're dead!
- At ease!
I'm gonna kill you!
- Jesus, Corky, you scared me.
- Why are you still here?
I'm not leaving until
I get the old man on tape...
talking about murder.
Murder? I thought
we were trying to get him...
for gambling or tax evasion,
things like that.
No, that's nothing.
We wanna put him away for life.
Look...
this assignment is over, OK?
- You've gotta get out of here.
- No, I'm not done.
It's straight from Shuster.
You're through.
Well, I did it.
I got your evidence.
- You did?
- Yeah, only you know what?
I'm thinking about
giving it back.
- What?
- Kidnapping?
And-and-and-and murder?
What did you-what did you-
what did you think...
that I just wasn't
gonna figure it out?
Corky, I've been involved
in my share ofscams...
but I never done
none of those things.
That's bullshit.
You gotta believe me.
Why?
Why would I believe you?
I swear on your mother's eyes
I never done those things.
Where did you get this?
It's right-
It's here... in...
I don't know
specifically where...
but it's here
in the sworn testimony.
Pops, check out
the caldones on this broad.
Testimony?
Testimony by who?
Testimony?
You got the evidence?
Hey, Petey,
he got the evidence!
Good job, kid.
Yeah, I knew you had
the grapes for it.
Tell you what,
I'll get rid of this.
Wait a minute.
Not until I get
some answers here...
'cause there are some serious
accusations in this file.
Please, Corky, since when
do you give a damn...
about anything having to do
with this family?
Corky, let the adults talk.
Come here.
Now, you done a good job.
You got the evidence...
but you don't belong here,
so go home.
Oh, yeah! We are
back in business, fellas.
- Pops is back.
- I'll drink to that!
Ha ha ha ha!
Let's talk about...
What are you still doin' here?
Don't you got some puppies
to breastfeed?
I'm not going anywhere
until I'm damn well ready...
'cause I am sick
of being your lapdog.
Ooh, the other sister's
standing up for herself.
Ooh! Hey! Ow! Oh!
I'm as much a part of this
family as either one of you.
I put my life on the line.
I kept Pops out of jail.
I paid my dues.
Now you start showing me
a little goddamn respect!
All right!
You're a part of this family.
Now get off of me.
You wanna try that with me,
you little pussy?
Don't you touch him!
Pops, you're gonna get excited.
Shut up.
I'm already excited.
Now leave your brother alone.
Oh, sure, Pops. Take his side.
You always do take his side.
What are you talkin' about?
You sent him to college.
You never sent me to college.
You showed that nurse more
respect than you showed me!
I saw you teachin' her
how to read!
You never taught me
how to read!
Which is why I still don't know
how to read!
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course
you know how to read.
I see you with magazines
all the time-
Penthouse, Swank, Hustler.
Oh, shit.
You remember
that-that time...
I got arrested
at Tony Roma's...
for exposing myself
in the ladies' room?
I thought
it was the men's room!
And what about
the time that Uncle Leo...
sent me to the store
for a carton of marlboros...
and I come back with a-
with a carton of tampons?
Feminine products!
You thought it was funny,
right?
I was upstairs in my room
crying.
Don't stare at me like
I'm some kind of a freak...
because I'll tell you
all something else.
He's a homo.
No, I'm not, Pops.
Huh... I'm not-
I love boobies.
Oh, bullshit! You got
a collection of mesh tank tops.
You got a poster of
Matthew Perry in your bedroom.
You got Divas Live on DVD,
for Christ's sakes.
You are one big faggot.
Well, at least I can read
the labels, you illiterate mook!
Take it back, you fruit loop.
You want me to learn you
how to spell "dead man"?
- How 'bout some of this, then?
- How 'bout this, eh?
Stop it! Just stop it.
"Ooh, help me, I'm gay. "
"Ooh, I can't read. "
I don't care how gay you are...
and I don't care
how stupid you are.
Get over it! OK?
Get over it.
Huh?
- I can't read.
- I'm a fag.
All right. Shh.
All right.
All right,
everybody out of the room.
I need to speak
to my father...
alone.
- Really, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
Corky! Look at you!
Takin' control of the family.
I never thought
I'd see the day.
I never thought I would,
either.
You know what
you looked like just now?
Your mother.
Your mother was the glue
that held this family together.
You got the same instincts.
I see a lot of her in you.
- Is that why you sent me away?
- You know what?
I sent you away
because I love you.
You're not cut out
for this business.
You're cut out
for something better.
And you proved that.
I just wanted to be
part of the family...
just on my own terms.
You are part of the family.
You're my son.
For what it's worth, I believe
you didn't do those things.
And I think I know why
they think you did.
Peter! Paulie! Come quick!
Dad's having a heart attack!
Leo, call the doctor!
He's gone, Leo.
His last words, Leo,
he was calling out for you.
Now's your chance
to make your peace.
Why would Pissant
steal the evidence?
He's been in bed
with 'em since day one.
I just hope
he hasn't killed Russo yet.
God, I haven't been
on a raid in ten years.
All right, ladies.
Are we ready to rock and roll?
Look, pop...
I may be a liar,
and I may be a coward...
but all I ever wanted was
a shot at running the business.
I'm sorry I gave you
a heart attack, you old jerk.
I just wanted you
out of the way.
Oh!
But I swear to God, pop,
if you were alive right now...
I'd tell the feds that none
of the shit I said was true.
I swear on my father's name.
That rat bastard.
Oldjerk, huh?
Sorry, Leo.
Just lookin' out
for the family.
Corky! You set this up?
And now you're going
to arrest me?
Ha! That's a laugh.
You're the biggest pussy
in the world.
Don't you ever
call my son a pussy.
You know, I can't believe
we trusted you, Leo.
So now you're giving out
lectures on ethics?
Ha! Yeah, I know that one.
So what are you?
A fed or one of them?
I'm one of them.
I was pretending to be a fed.
Because?
Because I didn't think
my father...
deserved to die injail.
So where did I fit
into your little plan?
I may be illiterate,
but I'm not stupid.
Freeze.
- Who the hell are you?
- Brick Davis.
Oh. Freeze, Brick.
Freeze!
Drop your weapons! Now!
Put 'em on the ground!
- Drop your weapons!
- Drop it!
You put the gun down!
Put your weapons down!
Russo, you wanna tell me...
what the hell's going on here?
- Sir, these-
- What's going on?
The guy that did it
just run out of the room...
and you're standing here
in your orange tie...
wondering what's going on.
Sir, Corky went after
the real criminal.
I knew it.
Corky's one of us!
OK.
Uhh!
Better face facts, little man.
Your luck just ran out.
Wanna tell me what time it is,
Mr. Night Vulture?
Good one. I'll take that.
You know, I never thought
I'd live to see the day...
that an FBI agent
would be peddling smack.
Don't act so surprised.
J. Edgar Hoover
used to wear a dress.
Just tell me why, Brick.
I don't know. I suppose
it made him feel sexy.
Not Hoover, you!
- Time for the meeting.
- What meeting?
The meeting
between your genitals...
and this knife.
- What's going on?
- He's the Night Vulture.
What? Corky, watch out.
Nim... ha!
- Move in!
- Let's go!
What the hell are you doing?
Brick is the Night Vulture.
It's true, sir.
Oh, God, Howard.
Take me away. Oh!
My God, Corky. That's two
you've given us today.
No, sir.
That's two we've given you.
Heh. Well.
Looks like we have more
to look forward to, huh?
I'm afraid not, Howard.
I got other plans.
Hmm. Heh heh heh.
Let's go.
Let's hit the gym.
Yay, Corky!
Bravo!
Russo!
Corky,
you made me so proud of you.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, daddy.
I got an announcement to make.
My son here, this big lug...
he's a fruit,
and I don't care who knows it.
Come here, you gay bastard.
I love you.
I love you, too.
The other one,
he can't read a stop sign.
And I wouldn't have it
any other way.
Come here,
you freakin' retard.
I love you.
Corky, get out of here before
I punch you in the mouth.
OK, dad.
Hey, Corky, good luck
with the vet business.
Oh!
I know you're gonna do
just fine.
Dr. Kipper,
I will never forget you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
"L" is
for the way you look at me
"O" is for the only one I see
"V" is very, very
extraordinary
"E" is even more than
anyone that you adore can
Love is all
that I can give to you
Love is more than
just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart
and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
"L" is for the way
you look at me
"O" is for the only one I see
"V" is very, very
extraordinary
"E" is even more than
anyone that you adore can
Love is all
that I can give to you
Love is more than
just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart
and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you