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Creep 2 (2017)
Oh, fuck.
Holy shit. Fuck no. Hello? Hey, man. Hey, you okay? You look troubled. Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just, um, you should come see this. Uh... What's going on, buddy? Remember I told you I was getting those calls, and I had that DVD sent to me? I know. It's happening again? Yeah. - Oh, my god. -I thought that was over, but... I just had a package outside, and... - Just now? - Yeah. That was in there. This person sent you a stuffed baby wolf? I mean, I guess. It doesn't make any sense. There was also this DVD that was in it. Dave, this is your... That's your home. Dave. Yeah, I know, I know. This is serious. Whoever shot this, they shot it last night. And that's me last night. We have to call the police. - You need to call the police. This is serious. -No, no. No, I already called the police the last time, and nothing happened, okay? They said they... Well, that's unconscionable. - That's unconscionable. -No, they even sent a patrol car. - That's unconscionable. - Nothing has actually happened. Where's your gun? Are you serious? - Well, you need... - I don't own a gun. - You're gonna need something. - That's not necessary. - It's not necessary. -Dave, I don't think you're taking this seriously enough. I'm sorry, I kinda just ambushed you, uh... No, it's okay man. - It's good. It's good. - No. No, uh... Do you want a beer? - I would love one. - Yeah? - Thank you. - Yeah. I think I need some alcohol. - Okay. - Okay, great. It's crazy, Dave. It's fine. It's fine. It's okay. It's okay. Hi, sweet boy. Hello. So, what is going on with you? Are you serious? What's going on with me? Yeah. God damn, you're awesome. I mean, here you are, dealing with this potential stalker situation, and you're concerned with me and my feelings? Mmm-hmm. Fuckin' love you, man. Aw. - Cheers. - Cheers. Mm. This is great, isn't it? - Yeah. - Two guys just hanging out, throwing back a couple of cold ones. Really wish I didn't have to say what I have to say to you tonight. Oh. What's that? I'm worried about us. Mm. - Oh, uh, you are? - Aren't you? Uh, us, we're good. We're friends. We... We hang out sometimes. We're... Come on, Dave. You and I both know there's a lot more at stake than that. - Okay... -Meeting at the same coffee shop, in the same Tuesday morning, reading the same exact edition of infinite jest? Hmm. And if that wasn't kismet, if we weren't meant to be best friends or soulmates, and started out so hot and heavy like that, and then... We turned into this... Well, it's disappointing. And I can't help but think if we... If we aren't headed for greatness, then maybe we just end it right here... Tonight. Okay, I don't think that's necessary. Dave, if I ask you a question, would you answer me honestly? Yeah, of course. Do you ever think about how... We met right around the same time you received your first DVD in the mail? You just thought about it, didn't you? I didn't. Dave, you just thought about it. I didn't, I swear. Dave, listen to me. It's okay, okay? Everything that's about to happen to you here tonight is okay, and it's not your fault. You understand me? - No, I don't understand... - Okay, now, listen. There's a camera inside this wolf, okay? Now I've been filming you in some way, shape, or form since the day we met. This is baby peach fuzz. Say hi. I was gonna record our entire relationship and commemorate it with a beautiful 80-minute film, and you deserve that. You deserve it because you're a beautiful person, and I want to give that to you so bad, but... I can't. 'Cause ever since I turned 40, I don't know what's happening to me, Dave. I just... I've lost my inspiration, I have no joy, and my work... I don't even know if I can do this anymore. - God damn it. What's happening to me? Hi, I'm Sara. Welcome to encounters. The show where I look behind the strange world of online personal ads to try to uncover the humanity underneath. - Hey, Wade. - Hey. I'm Sara. Hey, Sara, how you doin'? I hope you don't mind I brought my camera. If you don't mind, Marilyn Monroe already lives in the wall. Oh, yeah. There she is. So you were trying to make your pottery earlier. - Yeah. - You were telling me about it. Who are these people who write these ads? What is their story? This place has a cold energy to it. Mmm-hmm. Most of the spirit pots that I build are to deflect that cold energy. This is my little jaws 2. He's a little shark. - Yeah, it does look good. - It does. Little jaws. Maybe we're all a little bit weirder than we give ourselves credit for. - May I come in? - Yeah, come in. What did you... What were you looking for when you posted your ad? You know... You know, life is lonely. - Yeah. -It's nice to have someone to talk to. So subscribe and join me on this journey. - Hey. - Hi, welcome. You never know who you might meet on the next... - Is it okay? - Yeah. Encounters. No. Nine views. Awesome. Hey, this is Sara. Welcome to encounters, the web series that nobody gives a shit about, and I am starting to realize why nobody is watching. It's because it sucks. I think I might be deeply untalented. Aw, man. I thought I had a talent for bringing out something weird and special and taboo and secret in people, that there was a loneliness that I could detect, that I really empathized with. And I... I see glimpses of it sometimes, and it's so exciting. And I'm close. I can feel it, but I never follow through in the right way, and I'm tired of trying, and I'm tired of failing. It is humiliating. I never expected to make money doing this, but I thought at least I would be able to reach some other weirdos and make something special for them. So I'm Sara. Welcome to encounters. This is our finale, the closing episode of the entire season. Join me as we encounter... My failure. I hope you enjoy it. Hey. Sorry about last night. I got a little bit dramatic, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I've had my coffee, and... I found this. "Looking for videographer. $1000 for the day. Honesty and emotional bravery a must. Fans of interview with the vampire a plus. Let's go deep. Together." Interesting. Oh. Ah... Fuck it. What? Here we are... In the woods. I've been driving three hours now. This is a lot more off road than I had anticipated. Okay. Hey. Welcome to encounters. I'm Sara. This is episode 10 of 10. And normally, this is where I tell you that I'm gonna go see John, a mid-level manager at Walgreens, and that we're gonna work through his mommy issues through... I don't know, synchronized swimming or some shit, but I don't have that today. I know very little about this guy. He's been ghosting me since he sent me his address, and I have no idea what I'm stepping into. Normally, this is not a situation I would allow myself to get into, but maybe that's why this show has been sucking so much. So let's see what happens. Hello? Hello, I'm Sara. Oh. Sorry. Hi. Hi. Green smoothie? Okay. Very healthy. Kale, four frozen strawberries, one banana, one heaping tablespoon of non-fat plain Greek yogurt, two pinches spirulina and one pinch of cinnamon. Thank you. - Cheers. - Cheers. It's good. It's also poisoned. Obviously I'm kidding. I'm Aaron. Sara. Wow. That's your real name. Yeah. Yeah, I can tell. Thanks for that. You're welcome. Can we start with a hug? Okay. Mm. I like that you came in already filming. Yeah, I want you to get your money's worth. Yeah. You know, people don't really believe in that. You got to keep the camera on if you wanna keep the magic. I mean... you know. You and I kinda have a thing. I like that. That's a nice camera, by the way. Are you a filmmaker by trade? I shoot wedding videos to make money. I'm actually applying to grad school right now. I'm trying to save up. Mm. You don't do anything else? No. Cool. What about you? What's your story? My story, um... I am what is commonly known as a serial killer. Um, I don't love that nomenclature. I sort of consider myself a murderer, but, uh, my numbers are such that I'm now classified as a serial killer. - Serial killer? - Yes, I am a killer. I have killed 39 people. This is something that I love to do. It's the greatest job in the world. That's what I'm built to do. Um, but I'm also turning 40 this year, which is like, grays in the beards, a lot of stuff happening, and it's making me a little mid-lifey, and it's kind of set me into a little bit of a spiral. And I think I fucked myself in the head. I don't trust my instincts anymore, and I feel like I may have lost what made me great. There was a time in my life when I would meet a man at a bar and I would take him outside and lay him on the floor, and I would put a knife in his chest and cut him open. And... open his insides, and the universe would reveal itself to me, and it was beautiful. And I felt part of every time and every place that had ever existed. It... It was my religion. But now, it... It's like a job. And it makes me really fucking sad. And I don't wanna get emotional, but, um, I'm having a hard time. But then, I read an article about the great Francis Ford Coppola. He said something that blew my fucking mind. He said, "I've not made an original film since the conversation in 1974. I am not sure I'm capable of it, but I really wanna keep trying." And then it hit me like a sack of bricks. Here's a man who's in the middle of his artistic decline... Is he running from it? No, he's embracing it. So, I'm like... What am I doing, trying to make the films that I used to make? What if I embrace where I'm at right now? What if I make a documentary? And this is where you come in. A documentary about the world's most prolific serial killer that no one knows about. A documentary that you and I make here, tonight. I mean, like, I realize I'm throwing a lot at you. You haven't even had the chance to finish your green smoothie, so if you wanna bail, I completely understand. Take your money, no hard feelings. I understand. But if you don't... And I really hope you don't... I can offer you two things. Firstly, I won't kill you over the next 24 hours. That would be counter-productive. And secondly, I will give you the deepest personal access into my soul that you could possibly imagine. I will rip myself open and let you see every last inch of me. And together, I believe we will make magic. But you gotta be into it. I'm into it. Are you just saying you're into it because you want a job? No, I've heard you out, and I think this sounds great. Wanna do it? I don't hear any passion in your voice. Aaron, I wanna make this film with you. Hmm. What am I looking at here? You'll see. Who's this guy? He's my friend. Is that you? Sara... All good things to those who wait. Oh. Shit. So... What do you think? I think it's interesting. Mmm-hmm. Did it scare you? Did you want it to scare me? Hmm. I'll be right back. Fuck. What the fuck? So. I was thinking upstairs that... When men are in the locker room, they snap towels at each other's genitals without any inhibitions. Uh, when women try on clothes in changing rooms, there is no barrier to their intimacy. But with a man and a woman, there is always a wall between them. And that wall is... "I wonder what you look like naked." And if I'm being honest, that's something I've felt. And if we're gonna embark on this journey together, we need to tear that wall down. Do you agree? I agree. How do you feel? I'm good. You? I just think it's important that there is a wall and a gender divide. This is a spiritual journey, so we need to eradicate it. I agree. Okay. Then we're good. Is it my turn? I'm sorry? Um, can it be my turn now? Here. Uh... You can sit down. Yeah, okay. Yeah. You got your frame? Yeah. Yeah. Are we good? Yeah. Okay. I'll be right back. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Okay. Okay. Sara, every red flag you have has been raised. Um, he is highly unpredictable and potentially dangerous, and you were not there for ten minutes before his dick was in your face. Sara, you were not there for ten minutes before his dick was in your face. He is everything you ever wanted in a subject. You have to chase this. Sara, come on, we're losing light. I'm coming. I have to do this. I'm like 99.9% positive he is not a killer. But just in case, because I'm not a total fucking idiot... Knife. I'm coming. One minute. Hey, I'm Sara. Welcome to encounters. Here we fucking go. Are you ready to go? Wow. You're a tough nut to crack. Mm... What's with your beard here? What... what do you mean? Right there. Oh, this. That's just my beard pattern. Some men have little patches. This is one of my patches. Um, all right, we should get going. We are losing light. Okay. Aaron, come on. Really? All right. I'll get you at some point. We'll see about that. Where are you from? So where did you grow up? What do you think about my mask? As a passenger, I'm not super excited about it. Can you see in that thing? Oh, now you're scared? Do you believe in god? It could complicate what you do for a living. You still haven't answered my question about my mask. I think it's cute. Really? Sure. You're a cute little wolf. What would you say if I told you I'm a naughty wolf? I'd say that's very scary coming from someone like you. Okay. Well, what if I told you that at the end of this road, I was gonna cut off your head and snugglefuck it? Did you have any friends growing up? Uh-huh. Did you have a best friend? Sure. You think your best friend... You're asking a lot of questions. Um... I'm sorry. I have a perfect, idyllic spot picked out for this interview. Can we just... Let's just save it. Okay? Okay. Okay. Thanks, Sara. You're gonna love it. Oh, this is really nice. No. No, no! Where's the water? Where's the fucking water? That's the water. No, no, no. The raging river of water that was here when I scouted it. It was... You know, I had the whole shot planned. I was gonna be here, submerged in the water up to my neck for the whole Jesus metaphor and that's the... I mean, and the... the bridge! That was the final scene. I was gonna jump off the bridge, splash into the water, you cut to something really cool, I mean, that's the ending of the scene. We... We don't even have a scene. This is not... This is... This is... no. No, no! Aaron? Hold on. I'm gonna. I gotta think about this. - Aaron. - What! Coppola. Poppola? Coppola. Why are you saying Coppola? What... Aaron. Francis Ford Coppola. What would he do? Huh. That's really fuckin' smart. December 1978. It was the last days of disco. The cold war was heating up by the minute. But in a nondescript home, in a nondescript town... Sorry, what are you doing with your arms? This is, uh, well, if the visual effects of the water's up here, this would be me just sort of floating... - Ah. - ...With it. You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, I don't think... -this one feels a little more real. What do you think? Should we... I don't think you need it. - We don't need it? - No. Sorry, I got a little... I got some sunblock in my eye. Mm. Airplane. Wait. Let's wait for the sound... It's a really slow airplane. How's the pony? - Beautiful. - Yeah? - You sure? - Yep. Would you mind coming up real quick and just giving me a little fix? Um, yeah. Okay. Sorry, I don't want to get your shoes wet, but I just wanna make sure it's right. - Okay. - Yeah, come on up. Just tighten it. Oh, I didn't want you to redo... Oh, that's okay. No problem. We'll do it. We'll just do the whole thing. December 1978. It was the last days of disco. The cold war was just heating up, but in a small tow... Little bird right there. Hold on. - December 19... it's like a bad joke. Hey. One more. Try it one more time. One more time. I want you to do it. I want you to do it! Hey! No! No! No! This is my movie... It was December 1978. It was the last days of disco. The cold war was just... I'm getting a lot of shadow on your face. You wanna retake this? Aaron? I'm gonna take a break. Okay. If you'll excuse me. Aaron? Okay, so it turns out Aaron is a bit of a drama queen. I'm not sure if he's used to collaboration. Aaron? This day might be a wash. - I'm just not... Aaron? Aaron, is that you? Aaron? Don't leave. I won't. Hey. Aaron's not talking anymore. He's kind of shut down since his tantrum at the river. And I don't know if you can hear it, but he's been blasting the same shit '90s jam band song on loop for the past hour. He's so vulnerable right now, and I know the decent thing to do is just give him some space, but at the same time, it would be so easy to go down there and provoke him... And get the material I need. Go. Why should I go? 'Cause I want you to go. How come? Because I don't want you to make this documentary anymore. Take your money and go, please. What's going on? - What's the problem? - Sara, leave. Aaron, I'm not leaving. I'm sorry. You told me once we got started, there was no turning back. I'm not turning back. Turn that song back on. Why? Because I said so. Tell me why. Because it's my favorite song in the world, and I need it because I love it. What do you love about it? Um, maybe because it does more with one instrumental slow jam than any poet with any quill has ever done in the history of time, ever. I've never heard of it before. Well, you wouldn't have. Barely anyone has. It's from an unknown band from a long time ago. Tell me about it. Sara, I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work. Why won't you tell me about it, Aaron? Because... You think you want to know my story, but I promise you, you do not wanna know my story. But I do. Oh, you do? Really? Yes. Fine. I was 15 years old, but I could pass for 18 'cause I was big for my age. I could go to bars and see live music. An obscure band came to town. There weren't more than seven of us in the audience, but I was mesmerized, in particular by a song called "Sara loves her juicy fruit." It transported me. That night, I went out of town with the band and I partied with them where they were staying. I felt like I belonged for the first time. But of course, they had to move on to another city the next day. I walked back towards town, and a man pulled over to offer me a ride. He had a nice, kind face. And as he opened the door, he said something to me. I'll never forget it. He said... "Oh, my god. Oh, my god. This is gonna be a good day." He didn't take me back to town, he took me to a remote part of the woods where he beat me within an inch of my life. He gave me a shovel, he forced me to dig my own grave, he tied my hands behind my back and informed me that he would be burying me alive within the next couple of minutes. And I remember thinking to myself, "I should be feeling really badly about this man," but he was magnetic. I loved him. He was smart, he was commanding, he was wonderful in all ways. He only had one flaw. He was not very good at tying knots. And as I loosened my hands from behind my back, and I wrapped them around his neck, overpowering him with my size, I drained... His life with my hands. And I thought to myself, "well, this is my destiny. Sara loves her juicy fruit. And Aaron loves to kill." I stripped him of his clothes, I threw his body in the hole he made me dig for myself, and on instinct, I took off my own clothes, and I lay there communing next to him, all night, naked. And something very interesting happened. You see... I lied to you earlier. About what? About my beard holes. It's not my hair pattern. It's actually a rare disease called trichotillomania. You know, people pull hairs out of their beard or their scalp or even their eyebrows. You see, my first victim had this disease, and when I lay with him naked, my spirit consumed that from his spirit... And it became a ritual of mine. All of my victims, I lay with them naked, and I take a part of them with me. And here I am now, a strange but wonderful amalgamation of all the 39 men and women that I have killed, and it has been the most glorious part of my life. It has been my raison d'etre. And now... It's gone. And that is why I'm sad. And that is why I have nothing to live for anymore. And that is why I want you to go, because tonight is going to be a very... Bad... Bad night. Aaron. Sara. Stay right there. Close your eyes. I don't want to. Do it. - Shh... Shh... Shh... Do you feel better? A little bit. Good. I'm gonna go take a shower now. Hey, Sara, it's me. Um... Thank you... For... Um... Doing what you just did. I think you are really, really... Special. And you are inspiring feelings in me that... I thought I would never feel again, and... I don't know what to do. Oh, my god. Oh, god, you got me. Yeah? How do you feel? I feel like... Forty-seven... Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. Ready or not, here I come! Sara? Where'd you go? I'm coming for you. I got... Uh-oh. I think I found you. Sara? Are you being bad? Sara, where's you go? Damn it! You got me! You don't scare me. Are you rolling, Sara? Yeah. Aaron, if ask you a question, will you answer honestly? Of course. Always. When you're holding that ax, is there a part of you that wants to ram it into my face? You know, considering your past? Well, of course. But then... You know, we wouldn't be able to have all the fun we are having. That's interesting. I... I think I always thought I was gonna die before I could share my work with anyone, but now I have you. Which is kinda cool. Do you feel remorse for the people you kill? Um... Maybe a little bit, but I also... I feel like I'm pretty fair to my victims. I try to give them a warning as to what they're walking into. That's why I put stuff in the ad, like... "Are you a fan of interview with the vampire?" Like, I want them to know that I'm dangerous. You know... Actually, this is... One of my latest was this big ol' sweetie and... I called him "buddy." And I stuck an ax in a stump outside of the house I rented. He passed by, he saw it, he came in anyway and he stayed with me all night, you know. I mean, it's almost like... It's almost like... Like they wanna die. Did you kill him with that ax? Uh-huh. Does that mean you're gonna murder me with the blender? That's actually a brilliant idea. I've never thought of that as a weapon before. But alas, Sara... I promised I wouldn't kill you. And I never lie. Not in the cards for us. Well... But you said you wouldn't kill me within the next 24 hours. So... Now why would you bring that up? That only gets you into trouble. Hey. Hey. What you doin'? The dishes. What are you doing with my camera? Have you ever spent any time in the woods? Sure. You ever... Just watched a deer, just... Just being a deer? Put that away. That's my job. Okay. Psst. Mommy needs her juice. Where is mommy's juice? Mommy is thirsty. Oh, yes! This better be Coppola wine. Oh, thank you, sweetheart. Mmm. - That's nice. Thank you. - Mmm-hmm. What are you thinking about? Uh, I'm thinking about this really cool book that I once read, called the journalist and the murderer. - Have you heard of it? - No. Oh, it's really great. You gotta give it a read. What's it about? It's sort of about the moral quandary that journalists face, you know, uh, how they sometimes have to lie and ingratiate themselves with their subjects, you know, this little flattery and little flirtation to get the material they need. And... I thought about it while I was... Watching a little show called encounters. Didn't know I knew about that, did you? I know a lot of things, Sara. Like what? Oh, no, you don't make wedding videos. Um, and I know you have a knife in your boot. - What are you talking about? - It's okay. Don't worry about it, okay? Look. Let's see. I don't think you've been "lying" here, traditionally, you know. I think you've been, uh, you've been playing around with the facts a little bit, but look, everybody does that, okay? Look, it's one of my favorite things to do. It's what I do for a living. But... While I do play around with facts, I never lie. My eyes, my heart, my soul, I always tell the truth and that's the same kind of truth I've been feeling from you here today. So I want you to know everything's okay. I'm not mad. Okay? Okay. That said, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to answer me honestly. Do you believe that I'm a serial killer? - No. -Good. Thank you for your honesty. Why not? Well... First off, the stories you've been telling are ridiculous. Okay. And, like, what's up with this whole documentary? If you were a killer, why would you invite me into your home and have me film you confess all the details of your murders? Like, what would stop me from going to the police with this? It's a fair point. It is a moot point, however. You won't go to the police tomorrow, because tomorrow, I'll be dead... Because tonight, you are going to kill me. - Aaron... - Now before you protest, I've thought about this. I'm very excited about it, okay? Why would I make my 40th film another random kill film? I made 39 of those, okay? Also, why would we make some stodgy, pedantic documentary? Plenty of those. You know what we need? A murder film... Where the pupil fells the king. That's the movie I wanna make. What makes you think I'm gonna do this? Because I know you well enough to know that you will do anything to make a great piece of art. And this will be the most unbelievably exciting episode of encounters that you can possibly imagine. I know I just laid a lot on you, but I have a lot of experience with this and I'm the easy way to it. - I'm super excited. - Aaron, what is... First things first. Put that camera down, girl. What are you doing? I said put that camera down, girl. What's with the mask, Aaron? Now you remember, this is peach fuzz, the friendly wolf. Here, give me the camera. Okay. Okay. Come with me. Come with me. How are you with an ax? I've never used an ax before. Okay, it's like a bat. Are you a lefty or are you a righty? - Righty. -Okay, you know what, it doesn't matter. Just get into it. Okay, I'm wearing a mask so you don't have to look into my eyes while you kill me. It's a little difficult. Did I mention, it's like a cartoon, like a funny noise. Also, I sharpened the ax. It should go straight through my neck. There are very few bones. Let's do it! Okay, so, just to be clear, you want me to take this ax and chop your head off with it. Yes, 100%. Camera heard it first. Consider it assisted suicide. It's totally cool. All right. Any last words? Nope. I've talked enough for ten lifetimes. Wait. Wait. Okay. Go for it. Whenever you're ready. Just reach back and take a swing. What's wrong? - You all right, Sara? - Yeah. - Got your frame? - Yep. Okie dokie. Okay. So, this is a much better idea. I should have thought of this in the first place. This is essentially going to turn this into a passive endeavor. What I' going to do, I'm gonna jump off the ledge, and unless you come and save me, I'm gonna die, which make you complicit in the murder. Pretty cool, right? I mean, obviously, not as cool as putting an ax through my neck, but for a first-timer, it'll do. Ready, Sara? Actually, to be honest, I don't... Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Pull yourself up. Can you breathe? Aaron? Aaron! - Aaron! Sara. Sara? You in here? Hello... Where'd you go? Hey, there you are. Okay, so... Before sunrise, put the camera above us. I play you "Sara loves her juicy fruit"... What are you doing? Are you leaving? Jesus. - Sara, did I freak you out by hanging myself? -Fuck off. What? I said "fuck off." I'm so... Please don't go. Please. Do you have any idea how fucked up that was? I'm sorry. I was... I can't believe you put me in that position. Can you just stop for a second so I can explain? What is wrong with you? Okay, wait, just give me one... What's wrong with you? One second, please. Just promise me you won't leave. One second. Please. What the fuck is this? It's a harness. That's what I was wearing underneath my shirt when I hanged myself. I connected a black wire to the harness, so I was hanging by my chest, and I wouldn't... Actually hang myself. Look... I'm sorry it freaked you out. I thought... I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just... Look, I'm not really good at this, okay, but I'm just gonna lay it out there. I really, really like you. And I'm just trying to connect with you. I'm not really doing a very good job. And I know you don't really wanna connect with me, so... What I figured I would do is give you what I can give you, which is... The best episode of encounters. I can give you. I can... Be a fucked up guy and show you... Everything that hopefully gives you what you want as an artist. Look... Am I a murderer? No. Of course I'm not a murderer. Am I a... Sociopathic pathological liar, who is completely disconnected from the world and people? Yes. Am I majorly connecting with you and having a fucking great time today, because I get to just lie and be weird like I really like to do? Yes. I just... I really like you. And I think you're incredible. Thank you. You're welcome. I think it will make a really good scene. I know, right? I'm sorry I freaked you out. You freaked me out. I'm so sorry. What are we doing? We're gonna play a game. What kind of game are we playing? It's called "two lies and a truth." You play this game in your castle? - Yeah. - Okay, good. So in "two lies and a truth"... - Mmm-hmm. - ...You're gonna tell three stories, and one of them will be true. And none of that bullshit, like, from your heart... I got you. I got you. I want facts that are technically correct. Okay. All right. Two lies, one truth. And I get to guess which one is the truth. Okay. I was born three months premature. I have never slept with a woman. I can hold my breath for two and a half minutes. Okay. I think that it's... The... the breath one. It's number two. You want me to be honest, it's number two. You're fucking with me. I... I wish I was. Did it look like I was fucking with you when you came on to me in the hot tub? Did it look like I knew what I was doing? It was just a weird... Series of events. I didn't have a normal childhood, you know, I... I started to notice my chemistry was off, like in those pre-teen years when I had my first sort of... Like psychotic break when I was like 14. So I was in an institution until I was about 19, and they didn't really know how to properly medicate then, so by the time I got out, I had a split with my family, and um... And I got a job at security, which was mostly older people, so I didn't really consort with people my age, and then I just missed... I just missed the boat. I just missed it. Um... Have you ever had a girlfriend? Nope. I... Have you ever seen that movie, never been kissed? Yeah. I should have written and directed that movie. It's embarrassing. No, it's not embarrassing. It's really embarrassing. It's really weird, but it's not embarrassing. I don't know. Do you wanna have your first kiss? Shut up. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Really? Yeah. You would kiss me? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Who makes the move? That was cool. You know, I'm super excited about this idea. I have the climax to the episode. So where are you taking me? Like I'm gonna tell you. Watch your head. All good things to those who wait, my dear. Come this way. Okay. All right, now, before we get started, I do have a surprise for you, but you have to close your eyes. Why would I close my eyes? There's no fucking way. I'm in the middle of nowhere at night with you. That's a very good point. Point taken, but it will be worth it. Trust me. Okay. All right. Open it. What is this? It's a symbol of my affection for you and of our amazing day we spent together. Sorry, there's a picture of me and another guy in there. I didn't have a chance to make one specifically for you. You were a bit of a surprise. May I? Okay. Cool. All tight. It's time for part two. Ready? Okay. I don't get it. Oh, shit. When did you dig that? I dug it before you got here. I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be for me or for you. But I think I finally figured it out. Okay. Tada! Nope, nope, nope. It's yours. I snuck it out of your boot after I fell on you. Thought for sure you would have noticed that. Are you ready for the grand finale of the episode? Okay. Okay. It's all right. We both stab each other and we both crawl in the grave and we die together like Romeo and Juliet, and somebody would find the tapes. And when they see it, we'll be like, history together. Look, you're afraid. Don't be afraid. I'm not gonna stab you. Here. I love you too much. Take it. Take the knife. You do it. Come on. Do it. Come on. Sara... Wait! Sara! Sara! Sara! Sara! Sara! Sara! You're in the middle of nowhere. Come on, Sara. I have the keys. There's nowhere to go. Sara? Your best episode... So... I don't think I'm gonna die tonight. I kind of feel bad about it. It's... It was my whole idea in the first place. But, Sara... You did it. You made a great, great episode. You should be really proud of yourself. I'm bummed you're not gonna be here to see it. It's kind of ironic 'cause I never thought I was... I really don't wanna kill again. That was real, but then it was you, my muse. You inspired me. My Coppola. |
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