[rock music]

[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU...
SAN FRANCISCO.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW.
[cheers and applause continue]
THANK YOU...
FOR CLAPPING
FOR WHAT MY PARENTS
ARE ASHAMED OF.
OH, SAN FRANCISCO.
YES.
[cheers and applause]
OH...
MY THIRD FAVORITE CITY
TO DO COMEDY IN.
HUH?
THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?
TOP TEN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
AW, MORE BUTT[bleep]
PER SQUARE FOO THAN IN ANY PLACE
IN THE WORLD.
THAT'S YOU GUYS.
THAT'S YOU.
[cheers and applause]
PUT THAT ON YOUR POSTCARDS.
"SAN FRANCISCO:
"MORE BUTT[bleep]
PER SQUARE FOOT.
MISS YOU."
ALL RIGHT.
IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT,
I APOLOGIZE.
THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.
I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR
PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.
I CROSS MY OWN
FROM TIME TO TIME.
IT'S HOW I KNOW
I STILL HAVE ONE.
ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE NO PROBLEM
WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
IN THIS COUNTRY
EXCEPT FOR THE FAC THAT THEY DON'T SERVE
ON JURY DUTY.
THAT'S HORSE [bleep].
IT SHOULD BE
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY
ON JURY DUTY.
YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE
A JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.
[crowd groaning]
[laughter and applause]
IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE
IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.
YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.
THAT JOKE IS CALLED
"LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."
THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
SOMETIMES BEFORE
I WALK ON STAGE,
MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY,
"HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG."
THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID
TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO
RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED
ON STAGE.
SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRY
ABOUT GETTING SHO WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"
I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH,
"YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."
UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK
TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.
[laughter and cheers]
I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?
AS IF A SNIPER
WOULD GET FRUSTRATED.
LIKE...
"I CAN'T KEEP UP.
HE LIVES."
A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN
THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY
TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.
I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.
AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.
SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG
IT TAKES HER TO GET READY.
THAT'S JUST LESS TIME
I HAVE TO SPEND
WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS
PRETENDING
THAT I DON'T WAN TO KILL MYSELF.
YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF
TO GET READY,
COME DOWN AND BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.
YOU ARE SO PATIENT."
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT?
YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."
RIGHT? YEAH.
NOW SHE'S CRYING.
WHATEVER.
I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA
TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IT'S NOT LIKE
SHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.
SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.
SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAY
FROM BEING REPLACED.
I CAN SAY THAT.
I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.
YEAH.
THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD
HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.
NOW, IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME
ON TWITTER,
YOU KNOW
I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY.
AM I USING THAT WEBSITE
PROPERLY?
SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SI ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.
"WE'RE LISTENING."
IT'S NICE, RIGHT?
YOU CAN TURN AROUND.
YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.
I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.
YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE
CLAPPING RIGHT NOW,
THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE,
"OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,
"HE IS A GENIUS.
"NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.
"I'VE BEEN SITTING
ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE.
"YOU'RE TELLING ME
I COULD TURN AROUND,
"HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL,
YEAH?
"SET THE ALARM
TEN MINUTES LATER.
MULTITASK."
ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EA WHILE ON THE TOILET.
"BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,
AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS
WITH WHOLE MILK."
THAT'S MORE
OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL,
BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM.
SOMEBODY EMAILED ME,
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"HEY, DIP[bleep]--"
WHICH, FOR THE RECORD,
IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE
IF YOU EVER WANT ME
TO READ YOUR EMAILS.
OH, LET'S SEE WHA THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY.
YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."
THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVE
TO TAKE YOUR PANTS
COMPLETELY OFF TO SI ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?"
[laughter]
TOUCHE.
ALL RIGHT,
SO I DON'T RESEARCH.
IT'S A PRE-SHOWER [bleep],
AGREED?
CAN WE MOVE ON,
STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL?
YOU EVER HAVE
A POST-SHOWER [bleep]?
OH, MIGHT AS WELL
GO BACK TO BED
AND STAR YOUR WHOLE DAY OVER.
THINGS ARE WRONG.
THAT'S NO THE ORDER OF EVENTS.
THERE'S A GLITCH
IN THE MATRIX.
THIS WORLD'S NOT REAL.
MOM!
WIPE ME!
[laughter and cheers]
I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING
MY BALL HAIR.
COME ON, LADIES.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR,
YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR.
SO NOW WHEN PEOPLE
SEE MY BALLS,
IT'S LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.
"THAT LOOKS REALLY,
REALLY GOOD.
ISN'T THAT DAMAGING
TO THE HAIR?"
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH,
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"
I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAM
WOULD KNOCK IT OFF
WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS.
I CAN'T KEEP UP.
MY BALLS STILL
HAVE THE '06 POSH.
REMEMBER THAT LITTLE
TRENDY LITTLE CUT?
POSH SPICE?
LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES.
OKAY?
AM I THE ONLY PERSON
THAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM
HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT?
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD,
BUT MAKE IT HAPPEN
BEFORE ONE OF THEM'S
OUT OF THEIR PRIME.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MEN
TOGETHER MAKING LOVE?
OH.
IF THERE'S A MAN
IN HERE THAT'S JUNK
DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BI AT THE THOUGH OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER--
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOUR HOMOPHOBIC
SEXUAL PREFERENCE.
AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART,
YOU MONKEY, OKAY?
YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THA YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM
WITH THOSE GREEK GODS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE
IF THEY HAD A CHILD?
AHH
WAS THAT SIMBA?
WHAT THE [bleep]?
WAS THAT SIMBA?
THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?
THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD
THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.
PICTURE BABY JESUS
WITH BETTER ABS.
THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.
IF THEY HAD
A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,
THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORK
THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?
JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS,
PROPPED UP.
HE CAN'T STAND YET.
JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.
BIG POSTER,
BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF
JUST STANDING
IN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS.
AND YOU'D WALK IN,
AND YOU'D BE LIKE,
"I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS,
BUT I WANT TO [bleep]
THAT BABY."
OH, MAN!
DO I WANT TO [bleep] THAT BABY!
IF I HAD THREE WISHES,
TWO OF 'EM WOULD BE
TO [bleep] THAT BABY
AND ONE WOULD BE
FOR MORE WISHES.
"WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
THEN I WANT TO [bleep] THE BABY
A THIRD TIME.
I WOULD LIKE TO USE
ALL THREE WISHES
BANGING THAT BABY.
GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE,
BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE
THAT DOESN'T HAVE
A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.
OH, I'D LOVE TO READ
YOUR EMAIL.
"I FELT YOU WEN OVER THE LINE A BI "WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY
WANTED TO FORNICATE
WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD."
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
- HEADS UP, MORMONS,
THIS JOKE'S GONNA STING.
[laughter]
NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS
FROM THE HEAVENS,
GO AHEAD AND PUT I IN YOUR SPAM FILE.
LET'S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE
ON A RELIGION
THAT'S OLD ENOUGH
FOR MY DAD TO BE LIKE,
"OH, YEAH.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
"UH, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
"I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY'RE WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS
"UNDER THEIR CLOTHES.
I ASSUME THEIR GOD WANTS THEM
TO BE COMFY."
THE MORMON CHURCH SPEN $20 MILLION
LAST YEAR IN THE STATE
OF CALIFORNIA
MAKING SURE QUEERS
DIDN'T LEGALLY GET MARRIED--
SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD.
SO I GUESS WE'RE NOT AS LIBERAL
AS WE ALL THOUGHT.
AND THIS IS WHAT I SAY
TO THE MOST CONSERVATIVE PERSON
THAT'S SO TERRIFIED
OF GAY MARRIAGE BECOMING LEGAL.
JUST BECAUSE THE STATE
SAYS IT'S LEGAL,
IT'S NOT LIKE GOD'S GONNA
LET 'EM INTO HEAVEN.
OKAY?
SO YOU CAN STILL SLEEP SOUND
EVERY NIGH KNOWING THA GOAL LINE DEFENSE
IS UP AT THE PEARLY GATES
JUST GOING,
"YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
YOU'RE NOT GETTING
IN HERE, [bleep]!"
[grunts]
[laughter and applause]
DO YOU REMEMBER
THE COMMERCIALS THEY RAN?
IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT CAME
RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL,
UH, AND, UH,
SHE'D BE LIKE, "MOMMY,
"MOMMY, MOMMY, THE TEACHER SAID
WHEN I GET OLDER
I CAN MARRY A PRINCESS
IF I WANT TO."
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
WHEN YOUR KID SAYS THAT?"
[laughter]
AND EVERY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA
IS LIKE,
"WHOA, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
TALK TO OUR KIDS?
SORRY, QUEERS.
NOPE."
YEAH.
THAT'S ESPERANZA'S JOB.
[cheers and applause]
SO I WANNA HIRE
THE SAME LITTLE GIRL
TO DO COMMERCIALS FOR ME
IN THE STATE OF UTAH,
AND I WANT HER TO COME
RUNNING HOME AND BE LIKE,
"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,
HOW COME YOU'RE
NINE YEARS OLDER THAN ME?"
YEAH.
BECAUSE WE LEARNED MATH,
AND THIS DOESN'T ADD UP.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,
MOMMY--"
SHE'S CALLING OU TO ALL OF HER MOTHERS.
AND THEY START COMING
OUT OF THE CABINETS
IN THEIR LITTLE HOUSE ON
THE PRAIRIE OUTFITS
TRYING TO EXPLAIN
HOW OPEN-MINDED THEY REALLY ARE.
COMPARED TO WHO,
THE AMISH?
AM I THE ONLY PERSON
THAT BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING
ENTIRELY ON THE AMISH?
[laughter]
ARE THEY NO A CONSTANT REMINDER
OF HOW AWFUL LIFE WOULD BE
WITHOUT ALL THIS
GREAT TECHNOLOGY?
EVERY TIME I WANNA CUT BACK
AND CONSERVE
ON NATURAL RESOURCES,
I JUST LOOK AT THE AMISH
AND I'M LIKE,
"HO, HO, [bleep] THAT.
FILL IT UP. FILL IT UP."
NO, NO.
I'M NOT GONNA RIDE AROUND
IN A BUGGY.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE
A FOUR-CYLINDER.
BUT I WOULD LIKE
A FIRELESS FIREPLACE.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU DID IT, AMISH.
APPARENTLY, YOU PARTNERED UP
WITH THE WICCANS
BECAUSE THAT IS MAGICAL.
[laughter]
YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY'S
IN THE TOILE WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORD
FULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER.
APPARENTLY,
BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF.
DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHA I'M EVEN TALKING ABOU AT THIS POINT?
THE AMISH,
THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE
THAT DOESN'T PLUG IN.
THERE'S NO FIRE,
BUT IT'S PUMPING OUT HEAT.
I ASSUME THERE'S
A HAMSTER IN THERE
LOSING HIS MIND.
IT'S NO SNUGGIE,
BUT IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT.
YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME
A SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT.
HA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU.
I ENJOY IT.
[laughter]
YEAH. HUH.
I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT.
FINALLY, A BLANKE THAT'S LIKE, "NUH-UH,
I'M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM."
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE HAVING
A SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO
KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON.
THE PERFECT PRESSURE.
WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIF IS THAT'S ALL I RECEIVED,
WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE,
WHEN, IN FACT, I KNOW I COMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES
AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS.
THOSE ARE $20 VALUES.
WHERE THE HELL IS
THE REST OF MY GIFT?
YEAH.
YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS,
OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE
AND RIPPING 3/4 OF
YOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL.
NOT BIG BEN.
YEAH.
BEN SHOULDN'T BE
IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.
[laughter and applause]
SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS,
UH, BRETT FAVRE--
I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIM
SO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.
BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEAR
TO PLAY A GAME.
"YEAH,
I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING."
"HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLD
THINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE."
"YOU SAID $12 MILLION,
RIGHT?
YEAH, THEY CAN GO
[bleep] THEMSELVES."
[laughter and applause]
I WOULD NEVER QUIT,
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS?
HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
TO BE A STARTER,
BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUP
IN THE NFL.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?
ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION.
"UH, YEP,
I'M GONNA DO THAT."
HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP.
BUT HE COULD BE
ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?
ABOUT $850,000.
"UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THA AS WELL.
I'LL PLAY FOREVER."
IT'D MAKE THE GAME
MORE ENJOYABLE
IF PEOPLE WEREN'T ALLOWED
TO RETIRE.
ATHLETES
DON'T WANNA QUIT EITHER.
SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLD
RETURN A PUNT,
LIKE, "OH..."
HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES,
HE DIES ON THE FIELD
WITH SOME HONOR.
YEAH.
AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS.
IT DOES.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY.
BASEBALL'S A STRIKE AWAY
FROM BEING SOCCER.
YEAH.
AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER,
WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA.
SEE, OUR COUNTRY
ALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT,
SO WATCHING PEOPLE
CHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS
TO END ZERO-ZERO
IS NOT ENJOYABLE
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE
AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.
[cheers and applause]
BASEBALL.
NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH
A PITCHING BATTLE EITHER.
LET'S HIT THE BALL DEEP.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER.
FOR EVERY SUPERSTAR
THAT HAS DONE STEROIDS,
A BILLION DOUBLE "A" BOYS
HAVE JUICED UP,
SO THE PLAYING FIELD
IS PLENTY EVEN.
WE'LL PUT AN ASTERISK
NEXT TO BARRY BONDS' NAME,
SURE,
AS SOON AS WE PUT ONE
NEXT TO BABE RUTH'S NAME.
GETTING TO BREAK RECORDS
BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE
WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY?
EXCUSE ME?
WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK?
WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK
ABOUT THAT?
[cheers and applause]
OH.
I'D LOVE TO KNOW
HOW MANY HOMERS
THE BABE WOULD HAVE HI HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM
92-MILE-AN-HOUR SLIDERS.
YEAH.
MAYBE THE FAT BOY
WOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN
AND QUIT POINTING
HAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM
90 MILES TO THROW HIM
A JUNK BALL.
DON'T WORRY
IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW.
90 MILES IS THE DISTANCE
FROM KEY WEST TO CUBA,
JOSE'S A STEREOTYPICAL NAME
FOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER,
AND A JUNK BALL'S
AN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH
TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEP FOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM,
WHICH IS A JOKE.
THE POINT...
IS THE RECORD BOOKS
MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFEREN HAD OUR COUNTRY
NOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS.
THAT'S ALL.
AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010,
YOU'RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO
[bleep] ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS.
WHY NOT?
SCREW THEM.
THEY WERE A BUNCH
OF RACIST [bleep] PIGS
WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS.
I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE
SIGNING
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,
THEY SHOT EACH OTHER
A GLANCE.
"ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.
"YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.
[laughs sarcastically]
NOW GET ME
SOME HOT COFFEE, BOY."
[laughter]
OH...
AT LEAST WE'RE NOT WOMEN,
RIGHT, FELLAS?
OH, JEEZ.
WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
IS IT HORRIBLE?
IS IT AWFUL...
TO KNOW YOU'RE NUMBER TWO?
BY THE WAY,
THESE AREN'T MY BELIEFS.
IT'S MY OBSERVATIONS
ON THE WORLD I LIVE IN.
IF IT CHANGES,
I'LL ADJUS THE MATERIAL ACCORDINGLY.
COOL.
I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TRY
TO RATIONALIZE IT.
"NO, IT'S GREAT BEING A WOMAN.
FREE DRINKS IS WORTH
NOT HAVING EQUALITY."
[laughter]
LISTEN,
YOU'RE IN A GREAT COUNTRY
TO BE NUMBER TWO,
BECAUSE AT LEAST IN AMERICA,
IT'S CLOSE, RIGHT?
MEN ARE HERE.
WOMEN ARE HERE.
SOME COUNTRIES,
IT'S LIKE THIS
AND HOUSE CAT IS RIGHT THERE.
HO-HO.
THAT IS A BAD COUNTRY
TO BE A WOMAN IN.
DON'T GET LOS IN A HIKE THERE.
YOU'LL END UP ON YOUTUBE
WITHOUT A HEAD,
AND THERE'S NO
WEB REDEMPTION FOR THAT.
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
- GAVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH
RECENTLY AT A HIGH SCHOOL,
AND THAT DIDN'T GO WELL
AT ALL.
A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOL KIDS,
PARENTS
THAT ARE PROUD OF THEM,
AND I'M BELITTLING
THE ENTIRE THING.
AND THE ADMINISTRATION
GOT REALLY UPSET WITH ME.
THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, UH,
WE DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WEREN'T GONNA
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY."
TO WHICH I REPLIED,
"REALLY?
"YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS WHERE
I WAS GONNA GET SERIOUS?
HIGH SCHOOL,
HOW DID YOU DO IT?"
[laughter]
NO.
I REFUSE TO GIVE
THAT GENERIC SPEECH.
"AS I LOOK OUT HERE,
I SEE FUTURE LAWYERS
AND DOCTORS."
I GAVE THE REAL SPEECH.
"THERE'S FELONS HERE.
[laughter]
SOME OF YOU WILL DIE
IN A D.U.I. ACCIDENT TONIGHT."
OH, I'M SORRY.
EXPLAIN TO ME
WHY A DOSE OF REALITY
BEFORE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
IS A BAD THING,
BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED
TO PANDER TO THE 1%.
THEY DON'T NEED
MY LITTLE PEP RALLY.
THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.
NOBODY'S BEEN A PILE OF [bleep]
THEIR ENTIRE LIFE
AND THEN TURNED IT AROUND
BECAUSE OF
THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.
EXCUSE ME?
NO, NO, IT JUST CLICKED.
"SO YOU'RE SAYING
I CAN BE ANYTHING?
"OH, YEAH,
THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN
"WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.
I LIKE THIS GUY."
DON'T YOU LOVE I WHEN PEOPLE IN SCHOOL ARE LIKE,
"I'M A BAD TEST TAKER."
YOU MEAN, YOU'RE STUPID.
[laughter]
OH, YOU STRUGGLE
WITH THAT PAR WHERE WE FIND OU WHAT YOU KNOW?
OH.
NO, NO,
I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.
SEE, BECAUSE
I'M A BRILLIANT PAINTER
MINUS MY GOD-AWFUL
BRUSHSTROKES.
OH, HOW THE MASTERPIECE
IS CRYSTAL UP HERE,
BUT ONCE PAINT HITS CANVAS,
I DEVELOP PARKINSON'S.
[laughter]
I APOLOGIZE IF THERE'S
A PARKINSON'S PAINTER HERE
THIS EVENING.
I ASSUME YOUR BEST WORK
IS IN THE A.M.
PROBABLY GETS A BIT ABSTRAC BY NOON.
[laughter]
HANG IN THERE,
IT GETS WORSE.
[laughter and applause]
YOU EVER HEAR
THIS EXPRESSION?
"THE WORST DAY OF FISHING
IS BETTER THAN
THE BEST DAY AT WORK."
UH, I'LL CALL B.S.
[laughter]
I'VE WATCHED THE DEADLIEST CATCH
ON DISCOVERY.
I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN
AT WORK,
CAPSIZED
INTO 40-DEGREE WATER,
WATCHED
ALL MY COWORKERS DIE
AND BE LIKE, "HEY,
AT LEAS WE'RE [bleep] FISHIN'."
HUH?
AM I RIGHT, CRIMINALS?
I MEAN, CREW?
[applause]
"THERE'S NO EXCUSE
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE."
IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.
[laughs]
I MEAN, DOES EVERYTHING
HAVE TO BE SO BLACK AND WHITE
IN THIS KINDERGARTEN COUNTRY
OF OURS?
"THERE'S NO EXCUSE."
WHAT IF YOU COME HOME
FROM A LONG DAY AT WORK
AND YOUR WIFE HAS DROWNED
TWO OF YOUR KIDS?
SHE'S ABOUT TO DUNK
THE THIRD ONE.
CAN YOU RUN OVER
AND POP HER THEN?
"UNFORTUNATELY, NO.
THERE'S NO EXCUSE.
GONNA HAVE TO LET HER
DROWN THAT THIRD ONE."
WHAT IF YOU ASK HER
TO DVR THE GAME,
BUT SHE FORGETS TO RECORD
THE HALF-HOUR SHOW AFTERWARDS
JUST IN CASE
IT GOES INTO OVERTIME?
THE POINT IS
THERE'S A GRAY AREA.
YEAH.
AND I'M PRETTY SURE
MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MINE
ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO.
I ASKED HER TO RECORD
THE GAME ON ESPN,
WHICH SHE DID,
BUT NOT ESPN HD.
AND THEN SHE SAYS,
"WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILL
GET TO WATCH IT."
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
NO, I PAY EXTRA MONEY
SO I CAN WATCH TV
LIKE POOR PEOPLE.
I DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD
FOR CHEATING ON YOU
THIS WEEKEND.
[audience ohs]
WE HAVE A RULE IN MY HOUSE.
IF I'M ASHAMED,
IT DOESN'T COUNT.
YOU GOTTA PLOW A FOUR
TO APPRECIATE AN EIGHT.
[laughter]
THAT'S MY MANTRA.
YEAH.
I'LL COME HOME FROM
A ROAD TRIP AND BE LIKE,
"YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL."
SHE'S LIKE,
"OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
WITH A PIG THIS WEEKEND."
I DON'T CHEAT ON HER.
IT'S A JOKE.
DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND.
I...
HATE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP,
BUT I'M FAITHFUL.
THAT'S THE RULE.
YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
TO WORK,
YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL.
UH, TIGER WOODS,
JESSE JAMES,
THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ABOVE
THAT SIMPLE RULE.
THEY'RE NOT.
NOBODY IS.
AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN I TO WOMEN EITHER, LIKE--
MY GIRLFRIEND'LL BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS,
LIKE, YOU REALLY WANNA
HOOK UP WITH SOME SKANK?"
OH, OH, WHOA.
IT'S NO YOU VERSUS SKANK, HONEY.
IT'S YOU VERSUS EVERY SKANK.
DO YOU SEE HOW
THE SCALE SHIFTS
IN THE OTHER DIRECTION
AT THAT POINT?
IT'S LIKE, SHE'S
A MIGHTY SPARTAN WARRIOR.
BUT THERE'S
ALL THESE PERSIAN WHORES...
THAT WILL EVENTUALLY
KILL HER.
[laughter]
SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.
[laughter]
I HATE TATTOOS.
THAT BEING SAID,
I HAVE A FEW.
EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY,
I GET A SMALL DASH
ON MY INNER THIGH
WHERE MY BALLS
CURRENTLY HANG.
[laughter]
YOU CAN'T TELL ME
THAT'S NOT GONNA BE
A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF AR WHEN IT'S FINISHED.
MY GRANDKIDS
ARE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS,
THEY CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
ARE THESE THINGS?"
I'M LIKE,
"IT'S YOUR FUTURE.
READ THE CHART."
THEY DON'T STOP GROWING.
THEY'RE LIKE EARLOBES.
[laughter]
THAT JOKE WAS INSPIRED
BY A DOOR THAT WASN'T LOCKED
WHEN I WAS 11.
[laughter]
HOW ABOU THOSE WINTER OLYMPICS?
THEY WERE EXCITING,
WEREN'T THEY?
FINALLY,
WE GOT TO FIGURE OU WHICH COUNTRY CAN SLIDE DOWN
A HILL FASTER.
NOT GEORGIA.
[audience ohs]
OOH.
OH, I'M SORRY.
BIG LUGE FANS, ARE YOU,
HERE IN SAN FRAN?
TAKE THAT LUGE SERIOUSLY,
DON'T YOU?
THE WINTER OLYMPICS
ARE POINTLESS.
I'LL SAY IT.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I ASSUME THE ONLY REASON
WE HAVE THEM
IS SO WHITE PEOPLE
FEEL RELEVANT IN SPORTS,
BECAUSE OTHER THAN THAT,
THE ONLY THING
THE WINTER OLYMPICS
SHOW ME IS
WHICH COUNTRY
HAS MORE RICH WHITE KIDS?
WHAT'S IT COST TO GO SKIING?
$900 A DAY?
"OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT'S NOT MORE POPULAR
IN THE INNER CITIES."
HMM.
"HEY, LATRELL, YOU WANNA PLAY
BASKETBALL TODAY?"
"NO, MAN, I'M GOING
TO BRECKENRIDGE."
"OH.
"LAH-DEE UNCLE TOM DAH.
LATRELL'S GOING
TO BRECKENRIDGE."
[laughter]
I HATE THE SUMMER GAMES,
FOR THAT MATTER.
I JUST DON'T WANT PARENTS
TO BE REWARDED
FOR ENCOURAGING THEIR KIDS
TO FORFEI THEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD
PERFECTING A SPOR NO ONE CARES ABOU FOR 3 YEARS AND 11 MONTHS
AT A TIME,
THEN FOR ONE MONTH,
I GOT TO AC AS IF THE VAULT AFFECTS
MY PATRIOTISM.
IT DOESN'T.
I HOPE YOU MISS THE JUMP
AND RIB CAGE IT.
YEAH.
DO THAT FOR OLD GLORY.
ENJOY YOUR EATING DISORDER,
ASK YOUR MOM WHY
YOU STOPPED GROWING AT 4'3",
AND REMEMBER, EVERY GUY SAYS
HAMMERTOE'S A DEAL BREAKER.
I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FEET,
MARY LOU.
THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
[cheers and applause]
AND HOW BAD IS THA MEDAL CEREMONY?
UGH. IT'S HORRIBLE.
I HATE OUR [bleep] ANTHEM.
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BLOWS.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DO ANY OF YOU HAVE I ON YOUR iPOD?
"WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"
"OH, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
"I LOVE IT.
IT JUST REALLY GETS ME
JAZZED UP."
I WANT MY OWN COUNTRY.
IF ONE OF MY ATHLETES MEDALS,
OH-HO-HO,
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,
BECAUSE MY NATIONAL ANTHEM'S
GONNA BE 32 MINUTES LONG
JUST SO
BRONZE AND SILVER GO,
"WHAT THE [bleep]?
HOW LONG IS THIS?"
IT'S LIKE,
"KNOCK IT OFF, LOSERS.
"YOU'RE BEING
VERY DISRESPECTFUL.
THERE'S A NINE-MINUTE
GUITAR SOLO COMING."
"WAS THAT NOVEMBER RAIN?"
[laughter]
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S MORE EMBARRASSING
IN THIS COUNTRY--
THAT MICHAEL PHELPS
FELL FROM THE GRACES
FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA
OR THAT YOU LOOKED UP TO
A SWIMMER IN THE FIRST PLACE?
[laughs]
[cheers and applause]
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
SWIMMING?
YOU MEAN THAT THING
YOU INSTINCTIVELY DO
BEFORE YOU DIE?
"YEAH, BUT HE'S REALLY FAST.
IT'S...
IT'S PRETTY HEROIC."
THE FIRST THING
MICHAEL PHELPS SHOULD HAVE DONE
WHEN THAT PHOTO CAME OU WAS CALL
KOBE BRYANT'S PUBLICIST,
BECAUSE KOBE WAS ACCUSED
OF RAPE.
AND ALL HE HAD TO DO
WAS SETTLE IN CIVIL COUR FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,
CHANGE HIS JERSEY NUMBER,
WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP,
AND THAT SOULLESS TOWN IN L.A.
COULDN'T BE PROUDER.
YEAH, I JUST HOPE
WHEN PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS
RUN AROUND
IN NUMBER 24 JERSEYS,
THEY HAVE THE DECENCY
TO BE LIKE,
"OH, COME ON.
NUMBER EIGHT WAS THE RAPIST.
[laughter]
"24 JUST HAS
A GREAT WORK ETHIC.
AND AN UNBLOCKABLE
TURNAROUND."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- KANGAROOS
CAN'T HOP BACKWARDS.
IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY,
BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.
I DON'T CARE
HOW DRUNK YOU GET TONIGHT,
YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT.
YOU'LL BE IN AUSTRALIA
NINE YEARS FROM NOW.
YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ATTACKED
BY A KANGAROO,
AND YOU'LL INSTINCTIVELY YELL,
"GET BEHIND HIM.
"WAIT, HOW DID I KNOW
TO SAY THAT?
"HOW DID I KNOW
TO SAY THAT?
"AM I A WIZARD?
"HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN
A WIZARD?
WELL, THEN WHY DON' I HAVE A DEMON?"
[scattered laughter]
I LOVE SNAPPLE FACTS.
I WISH THEY WOULD HIRE ME.
I'D GIVE 'EM FACTS.
THEY'D BE SILLY.
LIKE, BABIES AREN' DISHWASHER-SAFE.
PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.
"WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS?
"WELL, I GUESS IF THEY KEEP
ONE BABY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER,
"THEY'RE DOING A GOOD THING
OVER THERE.
THANKS, SUMMER PEACH."
I PREFER THE TEAS.
THIS IS MY IMPRESSION
OF JOHNNY DEPP
BEFORE HE LEAVES HIS HOUSE
AT NIGHT.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
JOHNNY DEPP'S 48 YEARS OLD.
I ASSUME IT GOES LIKE THIS.
"HOLD ON, GUYS,
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
"I HAVE TO PUT ON
ANOTHER BRACELET.
"I ONLY HAVE SIX ON.
I WANT TO WEAR SEVEN TONIGHT.
"I KNOW
YOU'RE IN A HURRY,
"BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SURE
MY BELT IS ASKEW
"AND MY HANDKERCHIEF
IS JUST SO,
BECAUSE I'M ALMOST 50,
AND I LOVE ACCESSORIES."
COOL SHOULD HAVE A CUTOFF.
AND MY VOTE IS 48.
I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES ON DVD.
I DON'T NEED ALL THE EXTRAS.
I DON'T NEED TO SEE
ALTERNATE ENDINGS.
THEY'RE NEVER THAT DIFFERENT.
THEY'RE JUST LONGER,
A FEW MORE SWEAR WORDS,
AND A BOOB THAT THE GENERAL
PUBLIC COULDN'T HANDLE.
IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME
ALTERNATE ENDINGS,
YOU BETTER BLOW ME AWAY.
LET ME WATCH THE MIGHTY DUCKS
WITH MY NEPHEW.
YEAH, WE WATCHED
THE ALTERNATE ENDING
WHERE THEY LOSE
THE HOCKEY GAME.
THEN THEY GO BACK
TO THE LOCKER ROOM.
THEY START DOING BLOW
AND JERKING OFF ON EACH OTHER.
EMILIO'S DEAD IN THE SHOWER.
YOU'RE LIKE,
"HOLY COW. WHOA.
"DID YOU SEE
THE ALTERNATE ENDING?
"NO, NO, NO, THEY WEN "IN A COMPLETELY DIFFEREN DIRECTION.
"I THINK DISNEY WAS SMAR WITH THE ORIGINAL.
THAT ALTERNATE ENDING WAS A
LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE KIDS."
THAT'S DISNEY,
ALWAYS SNEAKING IN
SUBLIMINAL STUFF IN OUR MOVIES.
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A PENIS
ON THE LITTLE MERMAID BOX?
YOU TRY TO DRAW ARIEL
FOR SIX MONTHS
AND NOT PU A [bleep] SOMEWHERE.
GOD, I LOVE THAT FISH HALF.
LIBERAL.
A LITTLE GIRL WAS KILLED
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RECENTLY,
WHICH IS SAD,
BUT IT HAPPENS,
NOT USUALLY IN WHITE
NEIGHBORHOODS, BUT IT HAPPENS.
I THINK THERE'S A PIE CHAR THAT PROVES THAT SOMEWHERE.
SMALL SLIVER, SAFER.
SHE WAS KILLED ON A STREE WHERE PEOPLE HAD BEEN
COMPLAINING FOR YEARS
THAT CARS DRIVE TOO FAST.
SO REACTIVE IN NATURE
AS EVERYONE IS,
AFTER THE HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,
THEY HAD A BUNCH
OF SPEED BUMPS PUT IN.
AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, WHA A HORRIBLE WAY FOR THEIR FAMILY
TO REMEMBER EVERY TIME
THEY DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD."
BA-BOOM.
[whimpers]
"NATALIE!
"YOUR MOTHER AND I MISS YOU
SO MUCH.
"BUT YOU ARE REALLY DOING
A NUMBER ON OUR SUSPENSION.
"NO, HONEY, I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULD HAVE LEASED THIS CAR.
"EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE,
SHE MAKES US FIGHT.
GOOD RIDDANCE."
YEAH, YOU SEE
WHAT HAPPENED THERE?
IN THE BEGINNING
OF THIS MADE-UP STORY,
YOU FELT BAD FOR THE FAMILY.
NOW, AT THE END,
YOU REALIZE
THEY WEREN'T FIT PARENTS
TO BEGIN WITH.
WE'VE ALL GROWN.
LET'S MOVE ON
TO SOME NONFICTION.
DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN THAT KID WAS KILLED
AT SIX FLAGS,
HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFF
BY THE ROLLER COASTER?
OH, MAN, THE FIRST THING
THAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND
WAS, "WOW, HOW AM I GONNA
MAKE THIS FUNNY FOR EVERYBODY?"
HERE GOES.
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THE STORY,
HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP.
HE WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.
HIS HAT BLEW OFF.
AFTER THE RIDE WAS OVER,
HE'S LIKE,
"I'M GONNA GO GET MY HAT."
AND THERE WAS A BIG FENCE
WITH SIGNS ON I THAT PROBABLY SAID,
"HEY, CUT YOUR LOSSES."
AND HE'S LIKE,
"WHAT?
"HAVE YOU SEEN ME
IN THAT HAT?
NOT TODAY, FENCE."
AND HE WENT OVER IT.
AND THERE WAS A SECOND FENCE
WITH MORE SIGNS.
LIKE,
"COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF."
HE'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TELL ME
HOW TO LIVE, SIGNS."
AND HE WENT OVER THAT FENCE.
AND ON THE OTHER SIDE,
THE STORY ENDS.
DID HE GET THE HAT?
I'D LIKE TO THINK HE DID.
RIGHT?
A SMALL SILVER LINING.
LIKE, "I TOLD YOU
I'D GET IT."
AND THEN WHACK,
RIGHT THEN.
AND I KNOW
HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP,
AND THEY DON'T BELIEVE
IN EVOLUTION,
BUT THAT KID WAS GETTING
PICKED OFF SOONER OR LATER.
YEAH.
[laughter and applause]
AND IF I WERE
A FAMILY MEMBER,
I'D SAY 15 YEARS
WAS A PRETTY GOOD RUN.
BUT THEN AGAIN,
I'M HALF FULL.
THE REAL STORY, WHICH NOBODY
TALKS ABOUT UNTIL NOW,
IS HOW HE WAS DECAPITATED.
IT WAS
A SUSPENSION ROLLER COASTER.
A YOUNG LADY,
25 YEARS OLD,
HER LEG
IS WHAT DECAPITATED HIM.
SHATTERED HER LEG
IN OVER EIGHT PLACES.
SHE HAD TO HAVE THREE SURGERIES
AND WEAR A CAST FOR OVER A YEAR.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER WORN
A CAST OR NOT,
BUT EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER
WILL COME UP TO YOU
AND BE LIKE,
"HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR LEG?"
[laughter]
SHE GETS TO BE LIKE,
"I [bleep] PUNTED A GUY'S HEAD
"90 YARDS.
YEAH.
TOP THAT, JANIKOWSKI."
OH, FINALLY A RAIDER REFERENCE
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SUCKING.
[cheers and applause]
PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME
I HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
I ASSUME IT'S RELATIVE.
WHO ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO?
CARROT TOP?
THEN, YEAH,
I'M A LITTLE BLUE.
TO MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS,
I'M TAME.
MY SISTER'S OFF THE CHARTS.
I PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES
ON HER CONSTANTLY, THOUGH.
I GOT HER SO GOOD
A FEW WEEKS AGO.
I REPLACED HER PEPPER SPRAY
WITH SILLY STRING.
ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT,
SHE GOT RAPED,
AND SHE CALLED ME
THE NEXT DAY,
GOING, "YOU SON OF A BITCH.
"YOU GOT ME SO GOOD.
"NO, NO, NO, NO,
AS SOON
"AS I STARTED SPRAYING HIM
IN THE FACE.
"I'M LIKE, 'DANIEL.
THIS IS GONNA REALLY HURT.'"
[singsong]
HOT POCKET.
THAT'S HOW THAT JOKE ENDS.
I HAD ANOTHER COMIC FRIEND
OF MINE FINISH IT.
I HATE RAIN.
I UNDERSTAND
THE NECESSITY FOR IT.
BUT WHEN I WALK OUTSIDE,
I PREFER IT TO BE SUNNY.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE CALIFORNIA
SO MUCH.
OH, AND I THINK
IT'S BECAUSE I WEAR A 35 INSEAM
WHEN I'M CLEARLY A 34.
BUT I'VE ALWAYS LIKED
MY PANTS LONG IN THE BACK.
I LIKE 'EM TO HIT THE GROUND,
NATURALLY FRAY OVER TIME,
BUT WHEN IT RAINS, OH.
AM I RIGHT?
THE FRAY GETS WET,
THEN THE PANT LEG
GOES UP MUCH HIGHER
THAN ANYTHING
I EVER STEPPED IN.
I JUST LOOK DOWN.
I'M LIKE, AAGH!
IS THIS WHAT THE PEOPLE
IN NEW ORLEANS WENT THROUGH?
BECAUSE THIS IS AWFUL.
HAD I KNOWN IT WAS THAT BAD,
MAYBE I WOULD HAVE HELPED.
NEXT TIME,
'TRINA 2, I'M YOUR SAVIOR.
DO THEY NAME STORMS
LIKE SEQUELS IN MOVIES?
BECAUSE THEY SHOULD.
'TRINA 2:
GOD'S STILL CRYING.
YOU WANT HELP, DON'T INVES IN PROPERTY VALUE
THAT'S BELOW SEA LEVEL.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
- PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME
I'M A BLEEDING-HEART LIBERAL.
WHAT?
I'M CONSERVATIVE
ON ALMOST ALL THE KEY ISSUES.
I HATE THE POOR.
I'VE SAID THAT FOREVER.
"WE NEED HELP."
YEAH, WE'VE HEARD.
AND SOME OF YOU KNOW
I HAVE A CHARITY,
BUT I DID THA FOR TAX PURPOSES.
IF YOU'RE NO FAMILIAR WITH IT,
IT'S CALLED
FEBREZING THE HOMELESS.
[laughter]
NO, IT'S NO WHAT SOME OF YOU THINK.
WHAT I DO, I GO AROUND,
AND I FEBREZE HOMELESS PEOPLE.
IS THAT WHA YOU THOUGHT IT WAS?
WELL, THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW.
IT'S NICE.
WHO WOULD YOU GIVE A DOLLAR TO?
THE GUY THAT SMELLS
LIKE LIQUID GARBAGE
OR OCEAN BREEZE?
IT'S A NO-BRAINER.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT RAIN
ON NUMBER TWO.
MAKE IT RAIN.
"THANK YOU, RAP COMMUNITY,
FOR CONTINUING
TO KEEP WOMEN
IN THEIR PLACE,"
HE SAID WITH HEAVY SARCASM.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S WHEN
YOU THROW CASH ON THE HOS.
I CAME UP
WITH MY OWN EXPRESSION.
I LIKE TO MAKE IT HAIL.
YEAH, THAT'S WHEN YOU
THROW CHANGE ON SLUTS.
[imitates whooshing]
"OW!
ARE THOSE NICKELS?"
"YEAH.
IT'S A DOWN ECONOMY.
I'M A BALLER
ON A BUDGET, BITCH."
YOU SEE THAT?
YOU SEE THAT?
KEEP AN OPEN HAND.
THAT'LL KEEP YOU OUT OF PRISON.
I DON'T KNOW
IF THAT'S TRUE...
JUST IN CASE
ANYBODY GOES HOME TONIGH AND DECIDES TO BEA THE [bleep] OUT OF THEIR--
"I KEPT AN OPEN HAND.
YOUR HONOR,
THE COMEDIAN CLEARLY STATED..."
SOME ISSUES
I GO A LITTLE LEFT ON.
I HEART ABORTION.
FINE.
WHERE'S THAT T-SHIRT,
URBAN OUTFITTERS?
I'LL BUY ONE.
LARGE, PRESHRUNK,
COTTON-POLY BLEND,
OVERPRICED,
BUT VERY SOFT.
JUST SAYS "I HEART ABORTION."
NOT A REGULAR HEART,
AN UNBORN FETUS HEAR THAT HAS BEEN VACUUMED OUT.
LOOK AT IT.
WHAT, IT'S OKAY FOR THEM
TO STICK IT ON A POSTER BOARD,
SHOVE IT INTO SOME KID'S FACE
THAT'S MAKING
THE TOUGHEST DECISION
OF HER LIFE,
BUT I EMBRACE I AND I'M THE A-HOLE?
GOT IT.
WHAT'S THE BACK
OF THE SHIRT SAY?
"PROBLEM SOLVED."
IT SAYS, "GO BACK
TO BEING SELFISH.
"YOUR LIFE'S NOT OVER
JUST YET.
"DON'T HAVE TO TAKE
ALL THOSE FAILED DREAMS
AND CRAM 'EM DOWN
SOMEBODY ELSE'S THROAT."
BACK OF THE SHIRT'S LONG.
PEOPLE MAY BUMP INTO YOU,
LIKE, "SORRY, I WAS READING
THAT HORRIBLE SHIRT.
WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?"
"SARAH PALIN'S HOUSE."
[laughter]
SPEAKING OF AWFUL PARENTS,
JOE JACKSON DESERVES
A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD.
HOLY COW.
I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ACTED SHOCKED
THAT MICHAEL DIED.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
MICHAEL WAS ON BORROWED TIME
AS SOON
AS HE SWITCHED RACES.
DON'T ACT SO SAD
OVER HIS DEATH.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
THERE'S A REASON--
THERE'S A REASON
HIS REUNION TOUR WAS IN LONDON.
NOBODY IN AMERICA WANTS
TO WATCH A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN
SCOOT BACKWARDS.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- I WAS MAKING LOVE
TO THIS GIRL RECENTLY.
LET'S SAY SHE'S 19.
THERE'S NO BOUNCER
IN MY BEDROOM.
YOU'RE IN.
SHE SAYS TO ME
DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,
"HEY, DANIEL, WHAT'S IT LIKE
HAVING SEX WITH A CONDOM ON?"
I'M LIKE,
"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
WE NEED TIME MACHINES.
WHAT I SAID
WAS WAY LESS ROMANTIC.
I SAID, "OH.
IT'S A LOT LIKE PICKING UP
DOG [bleep] WITH A BAG,"
WHICH I THOUGHT THEN AND THINK
NOW IS A SPOT-ON ANALOGY.
LIKE, YOU KNOW
THERE'S DOG POO IN YOUR HAND,
BUT YOU DON'T FREAK OUT.
[laughter]
[applause]
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT AT NIGH AND I SEE A GROUP OF WOMEN,
I LIKE TO WALK UP TO 'EM
AND PRETEND THAT I'M A JUDGE
AT A DOG SHOW.
AND I JUST GO,
"MM.
"THIRD, SECOND, FIRST...
IN THAT ORDER!"
[applause]
THEY LOVE IT.
THEY WANT TO BE JUDGED.
THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME
GETTING READY.
THERE'S NOT A GIRL IN HERE THA WOULDN'T LIKE TO GO HOME TONIGH WITH A BLUE RIBBON ON.
HER FRIEND'S LIKE, "WHERE DID
YOU GET THAT UGLY RIBBON?"
"OH, SOME GUY AT THE BAR
THOUGHT I WON."
"KATIE DIDN'T EVEN PLACE.
I KNOW.
IT'S CRAZY."
IF I SEE
A REALLY HOT CHICK,
I'LL GRAB HER BY THE CROTCH
AND THE THROA AND BE LIKE,
"BEST IN SHOW."
LITTLE HEAVY.
SHOULD HAVE PICKED ONE
FROM THE TOY GROUP.
BIG CAN BE BEAUTIFUL, OKAY?
JUST NOT TO ME.
I FIND YOU DISGUSTING.
FRESHMAN 15'S
NOT A LIFE SENTENCE.
OKAY?
WE'RE TOO FAT.
WE'RE JUST TOO FAT.
I WAS ON A PLANE RECENTLY
THAT WAS DELAYED
OVER THREE HOURS AT THE GATE
BECAUSE THEY RAN OU OF SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS ARE?
SEAT BELTS ONLY GO THIS BIG.
[laughter]
SOME PEOPLE NEED
AN EXTRA 6 1/2 FEET OF NYLON
TO STRAP IN,
AS IF ANY COLLISION
WOULD UNWEDGE THEM.
I LOVE THAT THE MODELING
INDUSTRY GETS ATTACKED
FOR BEING TOO SKINNY.
REALLY, AMERICA?
YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG?
MM-MM.
IS SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH?
MM-MM.
DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY SAY THAT--
THAT MODELS ARE TOO SKINNY?
IT'S BECAUSE
PARENTS ARE HORRIBLE.
THEY CAN'T TELL
THEIR 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
THAT SHE'S NOT REALLY
A PRINCESS.
WELL, GUESS WHAT.
I CAN.
IF YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD
AND YOU THINK
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU
AND GISELE IS YOUR WAISTLINE
AND NOT YOUR BUSTED FACE...
HERE'S SOME ADVICE--
FILL UP THE PAXIL,
BECAUSE LIFE IS GONNA BE
REALLY SAD.
IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND
LIKE, "WELL, WHY AM I
NOT A SUPERMODEL YET?"
WHO ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT,
SEABISCUIT?
"OH, I WANT TO BE A MODEL."
DO YOU WANT ME
TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?
LET'S START WITH YOUR JAWLINE.
THAT'S NOT GONNA SELL A LO OF MAKEUP IN THE MAGAZINES.
"BUT I'M SKINNY."
YOU ARE A TROLL.
MY ADVICE,
HAVE A TWINKIE,
GET REAL GOOD AT MATH,
BECAUSE LIFE
IS NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR YOU.
I'M SORRY
IF THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL,
BUT BEING AN UGLY WOMAN
IS LIKE BEING A MAN.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK.
YEP.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
[cheers and applause]