Well, students... I certainly appreciate your help in cleaning out the classroom
for the summer. It almost makes me forget that most of you didn't learn a thing
all year!
That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up.
Mr. D., as Q.B., I think I can speak for...
Careful with that map, Kevin!
Eep!
Now... without turning around. Did you want to dangle a morsel of hope before me
by announcing you're doing something constructive this summer, like partaking in
much-needed remedial classes or some sort of vocation?
I'm not going on vacation. Me and Britt are going to be lifeguards.
No turning, Kevin!
Urk!
Do not turn until... did you say lifeguards?
It'll be really easy 'cause I already know how to use... oops! Um, a bullhorn?
Augh... argh! Why couldn't I have been born during an influenza epidemic? Or at
the base of a volcano? Why did I survive, grow tall and strong, only to squander
all my potential by becoming a teacher?! Argh... !
When he would have made such a wonderful motivational speaker.
Now remember, the P-STATs are a good "dry run" for your college boards. If you
got 1,200 points or better, kudos! You'll have a wide and exciting choice of
colleges. And for those with less, uh, robust scores, there are still wonderful
opportunities in the food services sector.
Hmm... 940.
Yeah... comparable.
All right, have a rewarding and growth-filled summer, everyone. And by the way,
we still have openings for counselors at the Okay to Cry Corral, my day camp for
sensitive children and those who'd like to be. It's going to be wonderful.
I hope... some of... um... all right, then. I'll miss you all, too. Quinn, you'd
like to join the roundup at the Okay to Cry Corral and make a difference in a
child's life?
Why would I want to do that? I just, um, need to ask you something.
Problems at home? Is it your mother? She seems awfully stressed. Has she been
acting out on you?
It's about my test score.
Oh...
Um, let's say you got a certain score on a test, and it wasn't terrible, but
some other people got almost the same score, people you really thought you could
do better than, although for personal reasons you'd rather not name them or say why?
Um... what?
Okay, forget everything I just said. Let's try this. Can I get into Pepperhill
with a 955?
Pepperhill University. It is known more for its wide range of social activities
than for academics, but... ah! Uh-oh. I'm afraid to get into Pepperhill you'll
need a combined score of at least 1,000.
But that's not fair! I didn't have time to study with my Fashion Club duties.
Don't extracurricular activities count for anything?
Hmm. You think you might have done better if you'd studied? Who were those other
people you mentioned?
I told you to forget them.
Eep! Of course you did. Well, Quinn, if you think studying would help, I say go
for it! Take this summer to crack the books. Hire a tutor. Put your nose to the
proverbial grindstone.
What's wrong with my nose?
I think I'm finally finding out what it feels like to be a Lane.
That can't be, since it's only afternoon and you're already out of bed.
I mean the lack of tiresome parental involvement. Mine have been so busy they've
completely forgotten to force me into some dumb summer activity. I'm turning
into you.
Well, you've got so much else of mine, you might as well have my identity.
Hey... !
Take a joke, Daria. Anyway, que ironico. You don't have summer plans, I do.
Ironico's not a word.
This old commune-mate of my mother's runs an artists' colony. I've been accepted
into their summer program.
That's great...
That sounds sincere.
Why didn't you say anything?
I didn't want to jinx it. Two months of painting and sculpting my heart out in a
college town in the middle of nowhere. Starting this weekend.
Does this college town have a name, or do you just turn left at the kid with the tractor?
Cheer up, Daria. Without me around, you'll have that much more time for your
budding social life.
This college book said you need a score of 1,000 and a B-minus average to get
into Pepperhill.
God, we're only flesh and blood.
Stacy... eww.
Sorry.
So we'll go somewhere else. Somewhere that appreciates our specialness and individuality.
But I'm sure I can do better on those tests.
You can do better?
We. Did I say me? We.
Gee, Quinn, I'm glad you think you're so much smarter than the rest of us, but
you're worried about nothing. We have plenty of time to pull up our test scores
next year.
Yeah! No sweat.
Stacy... eww.
Sorry.
More waffles, Dad? I found an extra stick of butter.
No thanks... the old diet, you know. May second? Hey! It's June! These waffles
have expired!
Relax, Jake. That's a sell-by date. They've been frozen since then. They're fine.
Easy for you to say. You didn't just eat four poisoned waffles!
Mom's right. Besides, if you had food poisoning you'd be developing a very mild
stomachache by now.
A mild stomachache? I think I have one, damn it!
Jake, can't you ever tell when anyone's joking?
Of course I can. Um... you're not doing it now, are you?
It's June?! Oh, my gosh, Daria, what are you doing this summer?
I was wondering when you'd ask, but don't worry. I have a job.
Good for you, kiddo.
I see... and what exactly is this job?
I'm sorry, but the confidentiality agreement I signed with the government
prevents me from revealing that. I've already said too much.
Wow! I mean, wow, what a funny joke.
Daria, I'm serious. I'm not going to let you sit around the house all summer.
Fine. I'll lie around the house all summer.
Quinn, what are your plans for the summer?
All right, I admit it! My P-STAT scores were a little low.
What?
Sandi said we have plenty of time to catch up next year.
What about all the new things you'll have to learn then?
Yeah. The second half of the alphabet is even harder than the first.
Oh, great. So you think I should get a tutor, too. Aren't there, like, any TV
shows I can watch?
Good idea. You wouldn't want to flunk the essay section on Matlock.
Ha! Matlock.
Well, if you don't want a tutor, then...
Fine! A tutor it is.
Just make it out to me -- Brittany!
Gee... thanks for clearing that up.
You're welcome! What are you guys doing this summer?
Two internships, volunteer community service, a part-time job and, in my spare
time, golf lessons.
Wow! What about you, Mack Daddy?
Driving an ice-cream truck.
That's not very prestidigitatious.
Thanks for pointing that out.
You're welcome.
Mack owes his father some money and I think it's very conscientious of him to
take that job and pay him back.
Yeah. He gets the money, I get the humiliation.
Mack, it'll be fine.
Wait... isn't golf for old people who dress funny?
Yeah -- my parents. They're trying to get into Winged Tree Country Club and they
want me to learn how to play.
Hey, do you get to wear one of those little hats and ring that bell that goes
ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling? A-ling?
So I told my parents, all right, I'll go with you on your little trip to
Bermuda, but don't expect me to take part in any family luaus.
But isn't it Hawaii where they do luaus?
Gee, Quinn, that's exactly what my mother said. Maybe you should go with them.
What are you doing this summer, Quinn?
Oh, nothing special. See some movies, catch up on my dating... get a tutor.
A tutor?
Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry.
Really...
I know. It's terrible. But my mother's making me. Um, you guys will keep it to
yourselves, won't you?
Of course.
You can trust us.
You have our word...
You guys are the best!
I think we should talk.
Okay. We are now talking.
About the Tom thing.
That I don't want to talk about.
If you're still upset about it, we should deal with it now. Especially since we
won't be seeing each other all summer.
You don't get it, do you? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think
about it. I told you, I'm not mad at you about Tom. Now let it freaking go, okay?
Can I at least take you out for a good-luck pizza before you leave for your big
art adventure?
Daria, I said let it go.
Jake, put the paper down. That boy Daria's been dating is on his way over.
You mean Quinn's been dating.
No, Daria.
Oh! Good one, honey. Old Jake Morgendorffer sure appreciates a funny joke.
Jake, will you listen to me, please? Daria's been out with this Tom several
times and we're finally going to meet him, and I want to make sure we have our
game plan together.
Wait, I remember now. The guy without any vocal cords.
I want you to stay cool and relaxed and not embarrass her by getting all nervous
and crazy.
Daria said he communicates by blinking. Now was it one blink for yes or one
blink for no?
Jake, she was joking!
I know! Ha-ha-ha-ha... ! Now, what's the game plan?
The game plan is, you don't say a word.
So he won't feel self-conscious about the vocal cords, right?
Oh... !
Hello! You must be Tom.
I...
I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
Glad to...
Won't you come in?
I'd...
Great!
We've heard so much about you, Tom.
Really?
Um, well, actually...
Hey there, young man! Jake Morgendorffer.
Hi, I'm Tom Sloane.
Sloane? Not the same Sloane as in Grace, Sloane and Page?
Well, that's my dad, so I guess...
Grace, Sloane and Page?! Hey, sign me up for a little of that insider trading.
Little joke, of course. Class firm like your father's would never, uh,
mmm... Say, you know, my vocal cords hurt. I'd better go gargle.
Sorry about that. They've been acting a little strange ever since, oh, I can remember.
Pizza?
Okay.
What's this?
My new car. Well, my grandmother's old one.
Did you want this car?
Well, yeah, after my parents had my old one towed away in the middle of the night.
Note to self: leave Quinn out on curb tonight.
Oh, hi, Daria!
Um, hello.
Hey, Daria, I didn't know you had a brother.
What?
Jane's going out with your brother? Wow!
What?
You're Tom, right? Jane's boyfriend?
Well, I'm Tom, but...
How long have you and Daria been brothers? I mean, how long has Daria been your
brother? Wait a minute, uh...
Actually...
Um, listen, it's been great talking and all, but we've got to get back to the
Rent-a-Brother shop before they charge us for an extra day. Bye.
You know what, babe? I don't think he's her brother at all.
What's the matter?
I can't do this. I can't spend the evening in there explaining to people that
no, you're not my brother, and no, you're not Jane's boyfriend, you're actually
my, uh...
Yes?
Guy I'm dating.
Okay. I understand. I know, let's bag the pizza place and go to my parents' club.
You're not much for crafty strategizing, are you?
Nobody knows you there. Besides, they charge my folks for meals whether they eat
them or not, so we might as well get their money's worth.
Tom, as much as I'd like to help your family in their time of need...
Do they have cheddar fries?
Think you'll come visit me while I'm working in my father's office this month?
You can help me file earnings reports.
Oh, sure, that old line. Boy, you can really smell the mold on the old money in
here, can't you?
Better on the money than on the food. Uh-oh...
Someone pull out a new twenty?
Mom, Dad... Elsie.
Daria, this is my mother and father and my sister, Elsie.
Hi Daria.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
I just spoke with Aunt Mildred. She's made a lot of improvements on the house.
She had the screen door fixed.
We always spend August at the cove with my great Aunt Mildred. It's kind of a tradition.
In other words, we don't have a choice.
Elsie!
How about you, Daria? I'll bet you have something fun planned for the summer.
Um...
Actually, Daria's just going to relax. She's earned it -- she made high honor
roll all three trimesters.
Fielding doesn't have trimesters.
I go to Lawndale High.
Oh. Well, high honor roll is an achievement at any school.
Actually, at ours it just means you managed to stay out of prison all year.
Sorry about the family onslaught.
No big deal. Your parents had to find out you were dating me sometime.
Does that bother you? That I hadn't told them about you?
No.
Daria, I never tell them about anyone I'm dating.
Now I really feel special.
Well, you should. Because I like you.
Thanks. Um, I'd better be going.
Hold on. I want to ask you... do you, you know... feel the same way about me?
Uh, yeah. Sure. Bye.
Hi, I'm David Sorenson. Are you Quinn?
I don't know. Is this the ninth circle of Hell?
The Divine Comedy.
Wait a minute, you know that? All right. Who are you and what do you want with
my sister?
I'm here to tutor her.
Seriously.
Quinn, your tutor's here! David, hi. Helen Morgendorffer. Don't mind Daria.
Unemployment does strange things to one's mind.
Eric tells me you've worked wonders with his niece.
Jasmine's been doing very well. Of course, it makes my job easier to have the
support of involved parents.
Yes. Quinn!
I see here that you took European History last year. I guess there's no need
repeating that.
Oh, yeah. Napoleon, Waterworld, the A La Carta.
Hmm... "revisit European history." Moving on to literature. I want you to check
off all the books you've read. No point in assigning Ethan Frome or Silas Marner again.
What did they write?
Uh... okay. How's this for an idea? You tell me which are your best subjects.
Well, let's see... I have an unerring color sense.
I got a postcard from your mother. Boy, do I envy her in Death Valley.
Can you believe there are some people who wouldn't want to go there in July?
I know... here we are.
I'm not saying Fauvism didn't have its place, but now it just looks like so much
black-velvet junk at the swap-meet.
That's not fair. You can't evaluate the work outside the context of its time.
You can if it's good.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet your new housemate, Jane. Jane... Caroline, Jett,
Anais, and Paris.
Hey.
Enjoy. I'll see you later.
Thanks.
Nice haircut.
Thanks, I...
Anyway, color is not something you just fling around like a dog marking its territory.
Kevvy! You look so cute.
And you look hot.
And your muscles, they're so ripply.
Aw, babe.
Hey! You guys are supposed to be watching the pool!
What about this arm? Is it ripply, too?
Ooh... let me see how ripply. Oh...
Can't talk... top secret mission.
Well, complete your mission soon because I'm sending you on another one. Mr.
O'Neill called looking for day camp volunteers and I signed you up.
You didn't.
You start Monday. I'm sorry, but you're not staying locked up in your room all summer.
So instead, you're going to lock me up with a busload of whiny kids and the poor
man's Kathy Lee Gifford.
Daria, you need to be more tolerant. You know what they say. "Judge and be judged."
And I judge myself unfit for human contact.
That's exactly what you will be if you don't start engaging with the rest of us.
You keep hiding your real face behind that antisocial mask and one day the mask
will be your face. I'm not letting that happen. You're working at that camp.
What about my feelings? What about my rights? What about my bribe?
But Stacy, how can I possibly decide if you should wear your chocolate brown or
beige brown headband if you haven't picked out your eyeliner? Beige brown, bye.
Sorry.
Okay. As I was saying, people in the Middle Ages were in constant...
God, we're still in the Middle Ages? I mean, things were so depressing then, and
everyone was so short. Sandi, hi. I'm kind of bus... she wore under-the-knee
knee socks? No!
Hang on a second. Where are you going?
Far, far away.
Sandi, I'll call you right back. Okay. So we were talking about short people.
No, you were talking about sock length. See ya.
But you can't go! I haven't learned anything!
Gee, and how do you propose to do that when you're on the phone through the
whole session?
But they call, David, they call!
Look, you seem bright enough, but I just can't sit here and listen to any more
vacuous prattle with your brain-dead friends. Eyeliner, headband colors... God,
are you boring.
I'm not boring! I'm popular!
Hey, the only reason you're popular is your looks, and those won't last forever.
You have nothing interesting to say and no intellectual curiosity whatsoever. Do
the world a favor and don't go to college. Give up your spot to somebody who
wants to learn.
But... you just said I was bright!
So what? It doesn't matter, if you're hell-bent on achieving complete brain
atrophy before you're old enough to vote.
I'm not!
Do you even know what atrophy means?
David, my friends and I all got practically the same scores on our P-STATs.
So?
So they were bad. And I know I can do better. It's not like I care or anything,
it's just that I know I can.
It's not like you care? It's not like you want to do better? Then why the hell
am I here?
All right. I care. I want to do better.
Okay, then... the Middle Ages.
"With a knickknack, gentle pat, give the dog a bone, this young person helps out
at home."
Now just the counselors. "This young person, he played... " Oh, dear.
Greetings, and welcome to the Okay to Cry Corral. I'm Uncle Timothy, and
together, we're going to take a journey to the land of self-discovery. A land
where it's okay to laugh, and it's okay... to cry.
I feel like doing that now.
And now, I'd like my co-counselors, Daria and Uncle Anthony, to say a few words
about what they hope to accomplish here.
After you, Daria.
Thanks, Uncle Anthony. My goal is to get out of this unscathed.
I'm hoping to rediscover the joys and satisfactions of teaching, and the motives
that led me to pursue such a thankless... I mean, rewarding profession in the
first place. At least that's what my doctor says I need to do before I incur a
cerebral hemorrhage!
Uncle Anthony... I mean, what are your goals for the campers?
Oh. Um... "To help make this a pleasurable experience for all. Let's learn to
love ourselves together."
Okay. Let's divide into three groups, shall we? One, two, three. Daria, you take
group one.
Um... hello. Would, um, anyone like to say anything before we get started?
How come you're so pale?
Why do you bite your nails?
Do you ever smile?
Um, how about you? Would you like to say anything?
Is it fall yet?
When I unveiled "Paper Plate Genocide" in 1991, it was hailed as intriguing,
provocative, even brilliant. And not just by me.
No, we all know critics tend to get carried away. But what was I thinking when
I created a work that seems to have turned out both seminal and semiotic?
"I can't believe I'm getting away with this?"
Excuse me, Mr. Dotson?
Please... Paris, isn't it? Call me Daniel.
Daniel. I just want to say, I think you're the greatest living artist of our time.
"And not just because I have no taste."
I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?
"My alimony bills."
I don't sit around and wait for inspiration. I grab it -- in the glint of the
sun on a frozen peak... in the pain of an arthritic's hobble... in a lover's
whisper in the dark. So I'd have to say, my inspiration comes from life itself.
Wow.
Well, that's enough of the old windbag's ramblings for today. We'll pick up here tomorrow.
Hi. I'm Alison.
Jane.
Our Mr. Dotson's really something, isn't he?
Well, he certainly doesn't let substance get in the way of self-congratulatory yap.
At least we'll never have to worry about him intimidating us with his talent.
I want an Astro-Pop!
Hang on.
Ring the bell!
Give me a fudge bar!
Just a second.
The flavor went out of my sno-cone!
You suck!
Yeah, you suck!
Yeah?
Sounds like you're having as good a day as I am.
Well, things are looking up now. Want to do something later?
I can't. I'm gonna be stuffing envelopes all night. But I'll see you at my
family's Fourth of July party, right?
Right. Unless I... shove an ice cream scooper down someone's throat first!
Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your child's medicine cabinet?
"Rats on Ritalin," next on Sick, Sad World.
Hey. Maybe you should get some of that for the little campers.
Ritalin or the rats?
Hello, Daria. It's nice to see you again.
Um, you, too, Mrs. Sloane. Hi, Elsie.
Elsie, why don't you show Tom and Daria the dress Richard made you for the
Starry Night Ball?
Oh, I couldn't ruin the surprise.
Daria, is there any way I can change your mind about going? Then you and I could
gang up and convince Tom.
Um...
Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Mom's on the board of the Lawndale Art Museum.
They're holding a benefit to raise money for a new wet bar.
A new gallery. It should be a lot of fun.
Um, sounds like it.
If you like watching ice sculptures melt.
Actually, these things are excruciatingly dull and stuffy, and I told her
there's no way we're going.
Well, um, I guess that's right.
You wouldn't want to compromise your quasi-rebelliousness.
I hope Richard left enough room in that dress for your faux jadedness.
Children! You know, Daria, this event is not members-only. I'd love to send your
parents an invitation if you think they'd be interested.
Um... thanks.
Are you going to blow off fireworks at the club, too?
Sorry. I forgot. We can't. I already told... promised Daria I'd go with her to
her friend's Fourth of July party.
Daria, what can we do to get into your good graces?
Now, I want each of you to think of the blue lanyard as representing how you
feel on the inside, and the green as how you present yourself on the outside.
Picture...
It's a hundred degrees! Can't we go for a swim in the lake?
Yeah... lake!
Now, Kristin... do we really want to risk exposure to algae blooms? Maybe some
other time, when it's not quite as warm out.
The blue strand represents the gnawing feeling of failure growing with each
wasted year. The green represents the ulcer you're developing from the
unrelenting indignities you suffer. Take the blue and cross it under... I mean,
over the loop and then through the frustration... argh... ! Lanyards suck!
So continue threading the blue with the green until you've finished. Or can't
take the tedium anymore.
Hey, Link. Need some help?
Nope. All done.
Hey, Quinn, can I get you a soda?
How about a lemon for your soda?
How about a knife for your lemon?
Um, okay.
Gee, Quinn... I'm surprised you're not at the planetarium with the jet
propulsion club, what with all your tutoring.
Sandi, shh. I'm trying to keep that a little quiet, remember?
Say no more. As your friend and fellow Fashion Club officer, I give you my
solemn word that your secret is safe with me.
Thanks, Sandi.
I will never tell a soul that you, Quinn Morgendorffer, are seeing a tutor.
Quinn... you're seeing a tutor?
Quinn, I'm so sorry. I didn't see them sneaking up behind you.
Um, yeah... I'm being tutored because of my P-STAT scores.
That's cool.
Hey, yeah.
Awesome.
Really?
Hey, next year could you help me with my homework?
No, me! I'm stupider than he is.
I can barely spell my own name.
Gee, I didn't realize being tutored provides you with an opportunity to help
others. Maybe I should get a tutor.
Yeah... me, too.
Oh, God, I think I need one, too.
Jodie, what have you been up to this summer?
Soup kitchen, crisis center, Congressman Sack's office, fund raising, golf lessons.
Isn't she something?
Oh, yes. And Michael, is it? What are you doing this summer?
Driving an ice cream truck.
Oh.
Hey, there's Daria with that guy who claims to be her brother. I'm going to trap
him in his own web of lies.
Oh, Kevin, you're so... spidery!
It's been a lovely evening, but I think I'm ready to go home now. But first, a
word from the village idiots.
Hi, Daria! Hi, Tom!
Hey.
Hi.
Say there, um, Tom. If you're Daria's brother, how come we never saw you before
this year?
That should be obvious. They weren't able to match up our telltale birthmarks
until now.
Oh. Hey, man, I'm sorry.
I have something to tell you two. Tom's not my brother.
Aha!
He's the mad scientist who built me. He has to hang around in case my internal
organs fall out.
Eww... !
I'm her date.
Good one, man.
Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious. But how can you be dating Jane and Daria?
Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.
Oh. Oh! Daria!
Um, will you excuse us for a while? We'll be back right after man walks on the sun.
Wow... Daria's dating her best friend's boyfriend.
So then, whose brother is he?
Hey, Daria. Thanks for coming. Tom Sloane, right? Jane's boyfriend?
Actually, we're just friends now.
Oh, that's too bad. You guys were a cute couple. Any chance for a reconciliation?
Um, Jodie... Hell's frozen over and Tom's here with me.
What? I mean... it didn't occur to me that, um... you know... Dad! You remember
Daria Morgendorffer. And this is Tom Sloane.
Sloane? You're not Angier's boy, are you?
As a matter of fact, yeah.
Great guy. And how's your lovely mother, Katherine?
You know my mother?
I just had the pleasure. We're up for membership at Winged Tree and she's on the
board. Forget politics. That's power.
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.
You can't eat in your room forever. Why go to an artists' colony if you're not
going to mingle with your fellow artists?
That's like saying why go to a penal colony if you're not going to mingle with
your fellow... I think I'll stop there.
Come on, I know they'll warm up to you if you give them a chance.
Um, are we by any chance conversing across parallel dimensions?
I'll bet you dinner I'm right.
You're on, sucker.
Mind if we join you?
Not at all.
How's everyone liking the colony so far?
I love it. It's so... freeing.
And Daniel? That man is brilliant. He said my white-on-white painting was a
stroke of inspiration.
I'll bet you two have explored all sorts of strokes together.
Oh well, I suppose genius does have its prerogatives.
Well, I don't know if Daniel's a genius.
No offense, Jane, but aren't you still in high school? How much can you know
about art at this point?
Excuse me?
Paris, we all had to submit a portfolio to be accepted here. I'd say Jane knows
quite a bit about art.
I'm sure you're right. I apologize. Are you guys ready to go?
Gee, that was fun. But in the future, let's save time and just roll around on gravel.
Sorry about that. I guess I owe you one.
You owe me dinner.
"Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using good hygiene, up and down and up and down
and floss until they gleam." Everybody!
"Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using good hygiene, up and down and up and
down, floss until they gleam."
Remember, don't think about what you're doing, because I don't really want a
painting from you. I want a painting from the child within.
It's so pretty out. Can't we go for a hike? Please?
Now, campers. I wouldn't be a very caring counselor if I let you run
higgledy-piggledy through the poison ivy and ticks. One day there'll be time to
explore the woods, after we explore ourselves.
Well, well, Josh. What have we here? A football player? May I inquire why?
My child within wants to be a winner. Everyone knows football players are winners.
I see. Obviously, your definition of a winner is a degenerate slacker with
pigskin for brains, an unshakable desire to sleep through class, and a lifetime
goal of excelling at arm noise contests while never, ever doing any honest work
of any kind! Is that right?!
Oh, my gosh. Anthony, what happened?
I, uh... Timothy, I think I may have spoken too harshly to a camper.
Oh, no. Was he traumatized?
I'm no good at working with young people! Why, oh, why did I ever think I could?
Josh is the worst bully at camp.
I hate his child within.
Hooray for Uncle Anthony!
Oh... thank you, campers!
Okay, let's talk about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire. In 753 B.C.,
Romulus and Remus...
Um, excuse me, is this going to take long? I still have a few accessories left
to buy for my date tonight.
Well, look. Rome wasn't built in a day, if you know what I mean.
Good one. Might I suggest then that we finish this session at Cashman's?
Sandi, if you're not going to take this seriously...
Are you implying that I can't shop and give you my attention? Because I don't
think that's the sort of confidence-building a tutor is supposed to provide his student.
We're not going to the mall.
You academics aren't very understanding of the pressures facing normal people.
Nevertheless, if we leave now, I'll buy you a sno-cone.
Forget it. I quit.
Geek.
Steinbeck was perhaps best known for his poignant novel about the "Okies"...
Uh-huh...
A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass.
Uh-huh...
Uh, why'd you do that?
Because I'm not here to watch you put on makeup.
But... I don't mind.
Well, I do. Now, if you did your reading, you'll recall that Steinbeck was...
what are you doing?
This toaster's really shiny.
Later.
Huh?
During the Reconstruction, Southerners complained that the newly installed
government officials were nothing more than carpetbaggers.
They were making fun of their butts? Wait, that would be saddlebaggers...
Oh, no... that's the look my mother always gets when I say something stupid. I'm
such an idiot. I'll never get anywhere in life!
At least you're trying. Unlike Sandi and Tiffany, whom I had to drop. Now, the carpet...
Wait -- you dropped them?
Yup. The carpetbaggers...
Why didn't they tell me? I'm being shut out. I can't believe this is happening
to me. I knew this was going to happen to me. Oh, why did I wear that butterfly clip?
Congressman Sack's office. Hey! How's it going?
Terrible. You want to go to a movie Saturday?
I have to pull a double shift at the crisis center.
You know, I never see you anymore.
I know, but look at it this way. I'm wasting away the summer stuck inside all
day. At least you get to drive around in your nice white suit ringing your
little bells.
Hey, you think it's funny that I have to do this?!
Who said it was funny? I got to get this. I'll talk to you later.
We want ice cream!
Yeah... later.
Daria! It's that Tom!
Hello?
Hey, it's me. I was wondering what you're doing tonight.
Actually, I'm... not feeling that well.
Still? Then can I bring you a bowl of soup? I'll even throw in a couple of
goldfish crackers. Or real goldfish, if you prefer.
Thanks, but I'm kind of beat. I think I'll pass.
Daria... is everything all right?
Never better. I mean, except for this cold.
You know I'm leaving for the cove in a week, right? I won't see you for a month.
I know. Um, a month's not that long.
All right. Call me if you feel like getting out, okay?
Sure.
Link, I asked you to stop by because I've noticed you seem a little bit... subdued.
I was gonna say miserable, but okay.
Growing up is kind of like being a kite, isn't it? We want to fly, but we don't
really trust ourselves to cut the parental string and soar with the birds.
A kite doesn't fly if you cut its string. It blows around in the wind for a
while and then crashes.
Exactly. Just the way we...
You might know that if you ever took us outside.
Oh, well, I...
What do you know? 'Cause it seems to me you spout out a lot of crap about loving
ourselves, and that doesn't do any good to someone trying to figure out why his
mother threw his father out for being a jerk and then went and married a bigger one.
Oh, well, that certainly sounds like something we can talk about...
I don't want to talk about it. I want to go to a real camp where you run around
all day doing stuff until you're too tired to think. Can we do that, "Uncle Timothy"?
Well, you see, Link, much as I'd like to, we have to keep the other children's
safety in mind.
That's what I thought. You don't really care about making kids feel better.
Of course I do!
Okay, then I guess the problem is just that you suck at it.
It'll be okay. That was just Link's anger with himself talking.
Um, keep up the good work.
Hey, everything okay?
How can you stand this place?!
Um, 'cause I'm one of the guards instead of the prisoners?
Yeah. Right.
Look, you want to go for a walk?
Outside? That would be dangerous.
Tell you what. I won't say a word. It'll be just like going by yourself, except
for the by-yourself part.
God, I envy you, Jane. To have all that talent and focus at your age.
Oh, come on.
I wish I could be in high school again, knowing what I know now.
A little perspective and you could sidestep all the torture, huh?
No.
Hell, I'd trade places with you in a minute. You're doing exactly what I want
to. Making it on your own as an artist.
Trying to, anyway.
Hey, you'll do it.
So will you. Little more?
Why not?
You and your future. Me and my so-called career. I guess we've each got
something the other would love to have.
Daria? How are things at camp? Daria?
Well, let's see. Tomorrow we're going to push the campers to their physical
limits by having them make paper doll chains.
Ha! A joke... right?
That's what I keep telling myself.
Hello? Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer. Kay Sloane? Oh, yes, hello!
It's very nice to speak with you at last. I'm sorry we haven't met yet.
Oh, yes, I know.
In fact, that's sort of why I'm calling. We're having a little benefit for the
Lawndale Art Museum we're calling the Starry Night Ball. Do you think you might
like to attend? We could finally meet and do our bit for the arts.
The Starry Night Ball? What a wonderful idea. Without the arts, what
distinguishes us from animals, right?
Well, let's see. Animals don't feel the need to suck up to wealthier animals.
Wonderful. It's on September eighth, and tickets are a thousand dollars per
couple. Or you can buy a table for $5,000, but please don't feel obligated to do that.
Um, did you say the eighth? Oh, dear, that's the weekend of the office retreat.
Well, I'll check to be sure, but... yes, I'm sorry. It was nice speaking with
you, too. Good-bye. Whew...
Damn it, Helen, I want to go to the ball!
Yes, why should your wicked stepsisters have all the fun?
I mean to hobnob with all those rich people. Clients... money...
Hobnob?
Jake, the tickets are a thousand dollars.
A thousand bucks! Insensitive rich bastards! Don't they know some people have to
work for a living?!
Relax. I think she bought my excuse.
Thank God.
Oh, dear... I hope they won't think we're cheap now.
Who cares what they think?
What's the matter with you?
It's bad enough the rest of the town grovels at the Sloanes' feet. Now I have to
put up with it in my own home?
Was I groveling?
Was she joking?
These pastels are great.
Thanks. I wish the galleries felt the same way.
They're nuts.
I knew you'd get what I'm trying to do. Top that off?
No, I'd better call it a night. I get cranky if I don't get my usual 12 hours.
Come on, it's still early. I'm sure we can find something to do to amuse ourselves.
Well, that's where the whole sleeping thing factors in. I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm exhausted.
I can't let you walk home in your condition. I'm going to have to insist that
you lie down.
No, really, I'm fine.
I promise not to kick you out of bed in the morning. Well, unless you're snoring.
Thanks, but I... oh, God.
What's the matter? I'm not your type?
Um, Alison... I'm straight.
Yeah, right. I don't think so.
I'm not gay.
Where have I heard that before? Wait a minute. Is this your first time with a
girl? Well, no wonder you're nervous.
Alison... read my lips. I like guys.
And hanging out with bisexuals in their bedrooms after they buy you dinner.
Hey, I didn't know you were bi. And the dinner thing was settling a bet.
Sure... settling a bet. I'm sorry, baby, but I never hit on straight chicks.
Listen, you've been really nice to me and all, and I really appreciate it, but
I'm not interested in women.
You mean you're not ready to admit it.
I gotta go.
Eep!
Man, it's hard to see out of this thing.
Kevvy, this is terrible! That icky pool water is turning my hair green!
Wow, you really do have green hair. Green hair, green hair!
Kevvy, it's not funny!
Ho-ho-ho! It's the jolly green babe.
Ooh...
Ho-ho-ho! Green babe. Ow!
You big jerk!
You two mess up one more time and you're fired.
Now, everyone hold the hand of the person next to them while we all visualize
the same word: "trust."
But we've been sitting inside all day. Can't we go out and play? Please?
Now, Curtis, we're listening to our souls. It's much easier to hear them indoors.
Uncle Anthony, can't you talk to him?
You're such a great counselor.
Um, Uncle Timothy... perhaps little Curtis has a point. Maybe frolicking
outdoors would offer a refreshing counterpoint to sitting in a circle like a
quilting bee of shut-ins!
Anthony, please. You're supposed to be setting an example. Besides, quilting can
be very therapeutic. Now... oops. Time for my Echinacea. I'll be back in a
jiffy. Now everyone, hold hands and feel the warmth.
Peanut butter! Sitting in circles... stupid songs... arts and crafts...
cruel and unusual... hell! I can't take it anymore!
I'm going on a hike!
Come on. Even I'll admit that was mildly amusing.
Whatever.
Look, for what it's worth, when I was your age, I, um... had this friend who was
kind of like you. The only people she liked were the ones in books, and she
spent most of her time in her room convinced the world had been quietly taken
over by a race of idiot space aliens.
And then one day your "friend" grew out of it and went on to make many more
friends, and now her life is one big bowl of cherries.
Okay. Bad example. But maybe things would have been a little easier for my
friend if she hadn't kept everything bottled up inside. You know, if she'd had
someone to talk to.
Or maybe "she" did try talking, and the people just told her to shut up, or paid
someone else to deal with her because they were too busy "listening to their souls."
You think that's what's happening to you?
Hey, look around, Daria. Everybody's so busy being their own best friend, maybe
they should try buddying up to the people they brought into the damn world, who
never asked to be born.
Oh.
So, what books does your "friend" like to read, anyway?
Well, let's see. When she was 12, she was really into George Orwell...
Daria! Link! Having a little one-on-one session?
Yes, and so by definition, it can't include...
Daria, I knew you could do it. See? It's easier to "rap" with Daria than with
me, isn't it? A teen who's closer to your own age. But I'm just as concerned as
she is about your well-being.
I should have known.
Hey, wait...
Oh. Did I say something wrong? Oh, my. What happened to the window? Um...
where'd everybody go?
But when the workers stormed the Bastille, they only found seven prisoners, and
one of them was the Marquis de Sade.
Eww.
That's more or less the way they felt.
Did Marie Antoinette really have the champagne glasses molded after her... you know?
We really should be focusing more on the politics of the Revolution, but that's
what they say. If she'd been a different body type, we'd be drinking champagne
out of bowls.
David, I must say I'm quite impressed. I've never seen Quinn have so much fun studying.
That's because in school they only teach you the really boring stuff. Mom? Dad?
Did you know Marie Antoinette never said "let them eat cake?" That expression
comes from a story about a princess, written by Rousseau. Right?
Right.
Lousy tabloids.
We've got to run. Bye.
Wait... um, I was joking.
You were not.
I know.
Was Marie Antoinette pretty?
They said she was a great beauty. Of course, you won't find a lot of people
willing to call their absolute monarch butt-ugly.
David, do you think... I'm pretty?
Sure.
By the way, have you been to Chez Pierre? Because it's really nice if you ever
wanted to take me there. And it would be kind of educational, since we're
studying French history and stuff.
Thanks, but you don't want to be seen around town with an egghead. Your friends
would behead you. Well, that's about it for today. Now, be sure to read the
chapter on the Industrial Revolution, and don't forget your vocabulary words.
I'll be back for more pedagogy next week. Quinn? Pedagogy? That's one of the words.
Yeah. Pedagogy.
Excellent. The brushwork is very confident, and I love the strained, almost
antagonistic relationship with color. Really, you remind me of myself when I was young.
Oh, Daniel. You're not old.
Well, I'm certainly young... at heart.
Not to mention delusional of mind.
Hey.
Hey.
Haven't seen you around.
Oh, you know, the solitary artist. Look, I gotta be honest. That whole thing
that happened between -- I mean, didn't happen -- well, it kind of confused me.
Me, too. Maybe I was hoping a little too hard and saw something that wasn't there.
But you said you never make a mistake in that, um... area.
There's a first time for everything. Still want to be friends?
Sure.
Um, maybe we'll skip the hug.
Uh-oh... don't look now, but it's Toulouse le Dreck.
Ready?
Just a minute.
I'll wait for you in the car.
You're seeing him?
He's not so bad once you get to know him.
You said he went through more students than tubes of paint. You can't possibly
think he gives a damn about you.
Who's looking for romance? I just want to have a little fun.
And if it's with someone who can introduce you to a few gallery owners, that's
not so bad either, eh? I think I'm beginning to see how the art world works.
God, high school. It's all such a big deal with you guys. You take everything so seriously.
Like someone telling you you give off gay vibes just because they're trying to
get into your pants.
Well, campers, before you go, let's take a moment to reflect on the valuable
lessons we've learned about ours...
Let Uncle Anthony talk!
... um, about ourselves and the growth that only we can...
Uncle Anthony! He's cool!
... um, the personal growth that...
Growth my butt! Uncle Anthony!
Thank you, campers. Remember: if you feel yourself getting mad, go ahead!
If someone's doing something to irritate you, tell them about it in detail!
And hike... whenever you feel like it!
I... I guess maybe I've been doing more harm than good...
Thank you, Timothy. You've reawakened my hunger to enlighten. I want to teach again!
Ooh... um, that hurts a bit.
Hey, slow down.
Go to hell!
Just hear me out. Mr. O'Neill didn't ask me to speak to you, and I would never
tell him anything anyway, except my name, rank and homeroom number.
Yeah, right.
Look, I'm not good at this kind of thing -- probably because I've never done
this kind of thing -- but if you ever need someone to talk to, um... I'm around.
I don't need anyone to talk to. Especially you.
Tom! Come in. Daria! Tom's here. Jake and I are so sorry we won't be able to
make the museum benefit. Normally we love museums. In fact, we were thinking of
seeing the Van Gogh exhibit this week.
Um, that exhibit left a year ago.
Oh...
Well, at least you can be confident your mother's not addicted to sedatives.
Hey, she didn't ask to be invited to that stupid fund-raiser.
My mother was just trying to be nice. A lot of people like going to those things.
Sure. Helping the little people while avoiding contact with them at all cost.
Um, is something wrong?
No.
Come on. I had to beg you to come out tonight, and then the first thing you do
is jump down my throat. What's going on?
I don't know. It's the museum. And the country club. And your family. You know,
your whole elitist world.
It's not elitist. And it's not my world.
Don't tell me. Tell Aunt Mildred tomorrow when you get to your private island.
And be sure not to mention me to her, okay?
What?
It's obvious you don't want me mixing with your family, since you didn't ask me
to the fund-raiser or the fireworks display.
Daria, I didn't invite you to those things because I sure as hell didn't want to
go and I assumed you wouldn't either. Right?
Well, you still should have asked.
You're right.
Unless you just assumed your parents were gonna hate me.
What? What are you talking about? My parents think you're great. They know
you're really smart and headed for college and stuff. It's not like you're Jane.
What do you mean, "not like I'm Jane?" Jane's smart.
Yeah, I know she's smart. But she could get a Ph.D or spend the rest of her days
painting tiles, and her parents wouldn't care either way. If we did that, our
parents would have a fit.
So what you're saying is Jane isn't up to your family's standards. God, you're a snob.
Damn it, Daria! Quit trying to pick a fight with me!
Excuse me?
You attack my mother for inviting your parents to the fund-raiser, then attack
me for not inviting you. You say my family disapproves of you, I say they relate
to you better than Jane, and now I'm a snob.
Forgive me for being a loyal friend.
Why don't you say what you're really afraid of? The idea that you might actually
start caring about someone. 'Cause that would make you vulnerable.
Look, maybe we just jumped into this dating stuff too fast. Maybe we need to
take a break.
A break? From what? We haven't done anything! Come on, Daria!
I don't believe this.
Well, I'm not going to stand here and beg.
Fine. Nice knowing you.
Yeah, nice knowing you.
Gee, Quinn, it's sweet of you to take time out from your studies to be with the
friends you've neglected all summer.
Oh, Sandi, I just wish I were as smart as you so I wouldn't need a tutor. You
know, David's kind of funny.
If by funny you mean extraordinarily unpleasant, I agree completely. That's why
I was forced to terminate his services.
What a geek.
I know! And so... geeky!
But he said...
Yes?
Nothing. I guess David is a little geeky, although I wouldn't be surprised if
some people thought he was cute, you know, in that brainy kind of way.
Quinn? Are you trying to tell us something?
Me? Oh, no, of course not! Ooh, look! Intermediate markdowns!
Of course I did the right thing. He's from his world, I'm from mine. Never would
have worked. I mean, unless I tried or something.
Here's your book.
Um, that's not mine.
Oh, right. I borrowed it from David. Um, what do you think of him?
Seems like a nice guy. And he obviously has a high threshold for pain. Why?
No reason. Do you think he's... cute?
Well, I suppose in that not-a-brain-dead-surfer kind of way.
Yeah...
I know you may find this hard to believe, but looks aren't everything.
Really?
See, there's this thing called personality? There's also liking the same things,
having a similar sense of humor, being able to have five-minute conversations
without boring the living hell out of each other...
Like you and Tom.
Did I mention Tom?
Well, who else would you be talking about? You're obviously very compatible.
How would you know?
Daria, up until recently dating has been my major field of study!
Well, you've never met his family.
You can't judge someone by their family. I mean what if people judged me by... blech!
Got to go.
That's it. Must... contact... intelligent... life.
Hey. Call.
Hello?
Hope you don't mind that I called.
Daria!
How are things going?
Fine, fine, fine. Couldn't be better.
Sucks, huh?
Only in a mind-numbingly pretentious kind of way.
Do you think, um, a familiar face might cheer you up?
What do you mean? Like floating in space over the bed, saying my name over and
over again in a creepy voice?
Jane...
Look, I don't really feel like any visitors right now. It's nothing personal.
Wait...
I don't want to talk about it, okay? Nothing you could say can change that.
I'll pay you.
Trent was going to drop by on his way to a gig. Maybe you can hitch a ride. They
can always use an extra person to push.
Now, this is called mouth-to-mouth regurgitation. Ready, babe?
Ready!
Did you see how I pinched Britt's nose to, like keep the air from getting out? I
could just stick my fingers up there, but who knows what...
Oh, Kevvy!
Peep show's over! Everyone scram! Hey, Romeo and Juliet...
Ow!
You're fired!
Here you go.
It's about time!
I want a fudgy pop!
Hey, I was here first!
Shut up, you jerk!
This is dripping!
What are you doing here?
Oh, Mack, something terrible happened!
It's okay. The sun isn't really gone. It's just hiding behind the clouds.
No! We got fired!
Trent... does it ever bother you that the speedometer is stuck at ten miles per hour?
Hmm... ten. That reminds me. Time for dinner.
Just for the record, the police generally don't like it when you drive on the
wrong side of the road.
Tell me about it.
No, thanks. Um... how's Jane been doing?
Oh. Okay.
I haven't talked to her much this summer.
Well, you know. The Tom thing.
Look, we...
Hey, Janey knows you guys didn't mean to hurt her. She'll come around. Trust me.
Yeah. Thanks, Trent.
"Betrayal, yeah, a stab in the back. Betrayal, yeah, I'm stretched on the rack.
Betrayal, yeah, thrown out of the... thrown out of the... "
Pack?
"Thrown out of the pack. Betrayal... betrayal, yeah. Betrayal... betrayal...
betrayal, yeah... "
... and that's how Randolph Hearst's yellow journalism helped get the U.S. into
the American-Spanish War.
Close enou...
The Spanish-American War.
You know, I had my doubts at first... serious doubts. But you've come a long
way, Quinn. You should be very proud of yourself.
Thanks. Um, are you proud of me?
Of course. And I want you to drop me a line at school and let me know how you're
doing in class.
David?
Yes?
Um... I like you.
I like you, too.
No, I mean I "like" like you.
Oh. Look...
I mean, I never thought I could really "like" like someone who wasn't, you know,
really cute -- not that you're uncute -- but you know what I mean. You don't try
to be cute. Not that I would ever try to make you try to be cute.
Right.
Well? We can probably get in at least two dates before you go off to college.
Look, Quinn, it's very flattering, and you're a really nice kid, but you're not
my type.
But I already told you! I don't care what you look like.
Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who has -- how can I put
this? -- a certain amount of depth.
But I know stuff now!
Yes, but why did you want to know stuff? So you'd be able to get into a party
school. Talk about a lack of self-esteem.
I have tons of self-esteem! I esteem myself more than anybody!
When it comes to appearance, but not in any areas that count. Look at the losers
you hang out with. No chance of feeling stupid around them.
Losers? But the whole reason I even thought of getting tutored was I knew
I could do better on the P-STATs than them.
Than they. And I'm glad to hear that. It means you're starting to understand
your potential.
So... ?
Quinn, you and I are in two different places, way too far apart to go out. You'd
hate it, believe me. But it's a real big compliment. Keep studying and good luck.
Yeah... good luck.
"Betrayal, yeah, you ruined my life. Betrayal, yeah, you're twisting the
knife... "
Trent!
Huh?
That's not helping.
Oh. Sorry. Um, you know how it is. Inspiration.
We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake Jesse up just right or he gets all disoriented.
How can you tell?
You're funny, Daria.
Anyway, don't go crazy over this Tom stuff. Even Janey said you make a good couple.
You mean made. We're not going out anymore.
Really? Why?
A lot of stuff. Mainly I got weirded out by his family.
But you weren't dating them.
Someday the curators will look back on these and say they're from my "art
colonies suck" period.
Curators?
Criminologists?
You know, when it comes to art, you and Link have a lot in common. I'd introduce
you, if he didn't loathe every fiber of my being.
This Link situation really bothers you, huh?
Serves me right for breaking my cardinal rule and trying to reach out to a lost soul.
Any kid who looks to you for nurturing is more than just lost.
Gee, thanks.
Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.
This soup bites!
Then don't have a fourth bowl.
Mack! I'm going to take five.
These are for you.
Aw... that's sweet. I've missed you so much.
Wow. I got to buy you flowers more often. Anyway, I got them to celebrate.
I quit my job yesterday.
Oh, Mack... summer's not even over. And it was such a piece of cake.
Piece of cake? Working in a dirty, cramped truck all day for minimum wage? What
would you know about it with your glamour jobs and your golf lessons?
What's the matter with you? I'm on your side, remember?
I'm sorry. It's just... wearing that white suit, serving those little brats...
I felt like some kind of house slave in Gone With the Wind. It's just not the way
I thought the summer would go.
Hey, you're no house slave. You owed your father some money. You were doing the
stand-up thing and trying to pay him back. No big deal, you'll find another way.
I paid him back a week ago.
Oh! So how come you didn't quit then?
I wanted to make a little more money so I could take you out for dinner at Chez Pierre.
Oh, Mack, that place is so expensive.
I can afford it... for once.
I don't need Chez Pierre when I have a guy like you. Wait a minute. Who's
driving the truck?
That'll be... $1.60. Babe, how much change do I give back?
Um, let's see, $1.60 minus five is $4.40.
But I gave you a five.
Right. $5.40!
I'll have a sno-cone and a Popsicle.
Let's see, that's a ten, so I owe you...
$12.20.
Right!
The guys here are a lot better-looking in person than on their wanted posters.
Now I understand why people go to the bathroom in groups.
Don't worry... I promise not to meet a new boyfriend and leave you alone between
sets. I've learned my lesson.
Okay... speaking of Tom, I guess you heard we broke up.
I don't read the papers, remember?
I thought Trent might have said something.
Nope.
Questions, comments?
Please tell me you're not trying to get my sympathy after blowing me off for my
now ex-boyfriend.
You mean he blew you off for me. Although if you recall, that's not the way it happened.
No, I meant you blew me off for him. You wanted to go out with him regardless of
what it did to our friendship.
Hey! You stopped talking to me, remember? After you broke up with him and said
you didn't care if I dated him.
And you believed me?
I'm confused. What are we fighting about here?
We're fighting about you, Daria Morgendorffer, being dumb enough to think a
boyfriend is worth screwing up a really good friendship for.
A really important friendship.
I'm sorry if I did that. Um, I really missed you this summer.
Well, I really missed you, too. Only don't ask me to sleep over.
Huh?
Nothing. Oh, hey, Trent? I meant to tell you. You guys have a gig tonight.
You better start soon or you'll miss your next break.
Unless you take your next break now.
In which case you better take it on stage. They'll never think of looking for
you there.
And while you're up there, maybe you could play something. Oh, wait, that's what
they're paying you for. Never mind.
You guys are weird.
So what'd you miss most about me? It was my joie de vivre, wasn't it?
If you really want to know, it was your damn aura.
Wow, you did spend the summer with Mr. O'Neill.
I mean your aura of confidence. I drifted through summer in a perpetual identity
crisis, questioning everything I said and did.
That's funny, 'cause I...
And I kept thinking about you, up here doing your paintings, making your jokes,
being Jane Lane.
Being Jane Lane's what I do best.
Precisely. You know exactly who you are, and nobody's ever going to con you into
thinking you don't. I wish I'd had you around just as a role model.
You know, you're absolutely right about me.
Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation?
Please do.
Hey. We're Mystik Spiral. And this one's for Daria and Jane.
I hope it's not "You Are So Beautiful."
Oh, please make it "Close to You."
"When the aliens come, when the death rays hum, when the bummers bum, we'll
still be freakin' friends! When the whip comes down, when they nuke the town,
when dead clowns can't clown, we'll still be freakin' friends! Freakin' friends!
Freakin' friends! Till we come to bad ends, we're freakin' friends! Freakin'
friends! Freakin' friends! Till we come to bad ends, we're freakin' friends!
Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends... "
I just couldn't get past all that upper-crustiness. I felt like the poor cousin
in a Henry James novel. You know, someone to be tolerated until she gets run
over by a horse and buggy.
Yeah, the Sloanes definitely come from the land of the Muffys. But it's not like
they're jerks or anything. I just ignored the money and concentrated on the
incredibly well-stocked refrigerator.
Yeah. Look, why don't you just come back with us?
I don't know. Some kind of dumb-ass notion about seeing this through, I guess.
Anyway, it's just another two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait...
what's my point?
That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.
You really should write fortune cookies.
Call me when you get back.
All right, freakin' friend. Um, I don't believe I'm about to say this, but...
you should give Tom another shot. He's not a bad guy. And you could use the recreation.
Um, what about the whole you-stabbed-me-in-the-back-how-could-you thing?
I think I actually am over that. As opposed to when I said I was over it but was
really still under it.
Yeah, right.
Seriously. Give it some thought on the way back.
I don't think so.
Or converse with the band. The choice is yours.
No, those sandals don't make your toes look fat.
So David was right. I am superficial.
At least you know your strengths.
He really called you that?
He said he only dates girls with "depth."
How did it even come up?
Oh, boy. You asked him out?
Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged
to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in better with
the fashion drones, like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the
real you.
You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?
Hey, we're talking about you here. You really liked that guy, huh? Well, he
certainly wasn't what we intellectuals call a totally buff hottie, so if you saw
past his looks, you can't be completely shallow.
Thanks, Daria. Damn it, I even told him I liked him! I never do that!
Quinn... sometimes you reach out to someone and all you get back is a slap in
the face.
Then why even bother?
I guess because, um, you got to give people a chance. Otherwise, there's no
point to the whole being-human routine.
Why? David didn't give me a chance!
Sure he did. Wasn't he going to quit before you begged him not to?
Yeah. So?
So you learned a whole bunch of stuff and found out you don't have to be a dummy
if you don't want to... because he gave you a chance.
Quinn, I...
Okay, thanks for lending this to me. A Journal of the Plague Year. Sounds fun!
"Give people a chance." Sounds like good advice.
That crap?
Oh, Daria. Here, this came for you...
... and I guess I'll go see how Quinn is doing.
Agh! This heat is making my lip gloss all runny.
Tell me about it. It's so hot we can't even wear our new fall clothes.
They should really start school in November.
I know...
Welcome back, students, and remember, the school nurse is in and ready to take
your voluntary urine sample. Show your Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine!
Eww... !
All right, which of you promising young people would like to share your
definition of Manifest Destiny?
Ms. Morgendorffer? Did you want something?
"Manifest Destiny" was a phrase politicians used to say that God wanted the U.S.
to keep expanding west all the way to the Pacific ocean. Because why bother
owning the country if Hollywood wasn't included?
Ahh, Quinn, that's very good! Thank you for making my day rewarding.
Gee, Quinn... I hope that little foray of yours into Geekland just now is the
result of heat exhaustion, and not an unpleasant side effect of all that
tutoring. I mean, you're not turning into a brain, are you?
Sandi, just because someone can answer a simple question doesn't mean they're a pedagogue.
So, I guess I got through to Link after all, and all it cost me was a generous
period of self-doubt followed by a bracing stint of self-hatred.
See? Not every human is a manipulative, opportunistic letch, or at least that's
what I'm told.
You didn't make any friends at that art colony, did you?
Nope. Well, except this one girl, until she got fresh.
You're not kidding.
As much as I'd like to gain your sour perspective on the whole sordid incident,
it's gonna have to wait. I think someone's looking for you.
Whoa! Nice car. Where's Jeeves?
I killed him for his uniform. How are you doing?
I'm okay. She's pretty okay, too.
Yeah, I know that. Hey, Daria.
Hey.
Want to go for a ride?
Actually, we were just...
... saying good-bye. I'll call you later.
Thanks for the lift. Um, I guess I should be going.
Just hear me out. Okay?
Sure.
There's nothing I can do about the club, my family, the whole thing. And yes,
I can see where all of that could make you uncomfortable.
Thank you.
But would you also agree that maybe I was right when I said this dating stuff is
new to you, and you're afraid of getting hurt, and maybe you were looking for an
out before you got too pulled in?
Daria?
Maybe some of that's true.
Well, here's the deal. I want to start seeing you again. We can take it slow,
but you've got to at least try to trust me. I really like you, Daria, but
I don't want to waste any more time if you're not going to give it a chance.
Please?
Daria... ?
I want to try again, too.
Don't say any more. I hate it when you get all mushy.
Yeah, I don't like it, either. Okay, then, I'm glad. See ya.
Oh, Jakey, do you realize what a momentous summer our girls have had?
Quinn learned she's smarter than she thought, and Daria has her first boyfriend.
It's summer already?
Jake...
You made a joke, didn't you?
Yep! Old Jake was joking!
I like a man with a sense of humor.
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
Well, you're about to find out!
Written by Glenn Eichler and Peggy Nicoll