I was dreaming
When I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this morning
Could've sworn it was Judgment Day
Sky was all purple
There were people running everywhere
And this is the bar of the whole song.
Prince say...
Trying to run from my destruction
You know I didn't even care
Good people of Atlanta,
we must never forget...
that Anthony Bourdain...
Yeah!
...killed himself.
Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job
that show business ever produced.
This nigga flew around the world...
...and ate delicious meals
with outstanding people.
That man with that job
hung himself in a luxury suite in France.
They say 2000-zero-zero
Party over, oops, out of time
So, tonight I'm gonna party
Like it's 1999
I knew a nigga in high school
that was an urban genius.
This motherfucker's grades was so good,
he got all the way from the hood
to an Ivy League school
with a full scholarship.
From there, the motherfucker got himself
into one of the best law schools
in the country.
And when he was in law school,
he met a woman and they fell in love.
And they were gonna get married.
I remember him telling me about it.
He was home for Christmas,
and I told him, I said, "My man, my man...
save that bitch for late in your life."
But he's in love.
He didn't listen to me.
He married her while he was in law school,
and sadly, they got divorced,
while he was in law school.
He was a street nigga from the hood.
This man had nothing...
and that bitch took half of that.
And then, I just never saw him again
for years,
and then, two years ago,
I was home in DC doing some shoppin',
tryin' to buy my sons some socks
at Foot Locker.
I go to Foot Locker.
Guess who's the manager?
That nigga.
Dressed like a referee, the whole shit.
This motherfucker is 45 years old!
We went out drinking that night
just tryin' to catch up, and...
and he told me.
He said he's been living
with his mother for, like, ten years,
just trying to get back on his feet.
But that's not the point of the story.
The point of the story is...
never occurred to this nigga
to kill himself.
He's alive and well in D.C.
I even suggested to him
that he should try it out.
Like, "I don't know, maybe..."
Nobody's life is perfect.
No matter what it looks like
from the outside,
you don't know what the fuck's
going on inside.
I have a great life,
but it's not a perfect life,
but it's good. It's...
My shit's like an above ground pool.
You ever seen one of them?
It's a pool.
So, in that spirit, tonight I thought
I'd start my show a little differently.
Tonight I'm gonna do something
that I'm not particularly good at
but that I like to do.
Tonight I'm gonna try
some impressions out.
I only got two.
Aight, the first impression's
kind of dumb, but I like it.
This... This is my impression, you ready?
This is my impression...
of the Founding Fathers of America...
when the Constitution was being written.
You ready?
Here it goes.
Hurry up and finish
that Constitution, nigger.
I'm trying to get some sleep.
It's not bad, right?
All right, the next one...
The next one's a little harder.
I want to see if you can guess who it is
I'm doing an impression of.
All right? Let me get into character.
You gotta guess who it is, though.
Okay, here it goes.
Uh, duh.
Hey! Durr!
If you do anything wrong in your life,
duh, and I find out about it,
I'm gonna try to take everything
away from you,
and I don't care when I find out.
Could be today, tomorrow,
15, 20 years from now.
If I find out,
you're fucking-duh-finished.
- Trump.
- Who... Who's that?
- Trump
- Trump.
That's you!
That's what the audience
sounds like to me.
That's why I don't be coming out
doing comedy all the time,
'cause y'all niggas
is the worst motherfuckers
I've ever tried to entertain
in my fucking life.
Ugh.
I'm goddamn sick of it.
This is the worst time ever
to be a celebrity.
You're gonna be finished.
Everyone's doomed.
Michael Jackson has been dead
for ten years
and this nigga has two new cases.
And if you haven't watched
that documentary...
uh, then I'm begging you,
don't watch it.
It's fucking gross.
I felt like HBO was sticking
baby dicks in my ears
for four hours straight.
Really nasty shit.
I don't want to know all these things.
Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly
likes a long gander at the anus.
They said he stares at people's buttholes.
That's what they said.
That's how gross the documentary was.
I'm gonna say something
that I'm not allowed to say.
But I gotta be real. Uh...
I don't believe these motherfuckers.
I do not believe them.
But...
let me qualify the statement.
I... I am what's known on the streets
as a victim blamer.
You know what I mean? If somebody
come up to me like, "Dave, Dave,
Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna."
I'll be like, "Well, what did she do?"
"Dave, Michael Jackson
was molesting children."
"Well, what were those kids
wearing at the time?"
I don't think he did it.
But you know what? Even if he did do it...
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
Eh...
I mean, it's Michael Jackson.
I know more than half the people
in this room
have been molested in their lives.
But it wasn't no goddamn Michael Jackson,
was it?
This kid got his dick sucked
by the King of Pop.
All we get is awkward Thanksgivings
for the rest of our lives.
You know how good it must've felt to go
to school the next day after that shit?
"Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?"
"How was my weekend?
Michael Jackson sucked my dick!
And that was my first sexual experience.
If I'm starting here,
then sky's the limit!"
I know it seems harsh, but, man,
somebody's gotta teach these kids.
There's no such thing
as a free trip to Hawaii.
He's gonna want to look
at your butthole or something.
You know why I don't believe it?
You know why I don't believe it?
Because if Michael Jackson's out here
doing all this molesting,
then... then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm?
Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview
that Michael Jackson
never did anything inappropriate with him
or even around him.
Think about that shit.
You know...
I'm not a pedophile.
But if I was...
Macaulay Culkin's the first kid
I'm fucking, I'll tell you that right now.
I'd be a goddamn hero.
"Hey, that guy over there
fucked the kid from Home Alone.
And you know how hard he is to catch."
My mind's telling me, "No"
Oh!
R. Kelly!
Well, okay. R. Kelly is different.
I mean, you know, if I'm a bettin' man,
I'm gonna put my money on
"He probably did that shit."
I'm pretty sure he did that shit.
You know, it was bad,
okay, so a couple years ago,
I was doing a show in Detroit.
And I'm sitting backstage
in my dressing room
and a friend of mine comes by,
this chick, Dream Hampton.
Dream, uh, tells me,
right before I'm going on stage,
she goes, "Dave, I'm working
on a documentary about R. Kelly.
"Would you like to be in it?"
And I was like, "Nah, bitch, I'm cool."
I went onstage,
I just forgot about the shit,
and then two years later,
the documentary comes out,
Surviving R. Kelly.
And when it comes out,
Dream's promotin' shit
and she keeps bringing me up.
She said, "I asked Dave Chappelle
to be in my documentary,
and he said it was too hot for TV."
Bitch, I did not say that.
That does not even sound like how I talk.
"Oh, that's too hot for TV."
I would never say that shit.
But I'm gonna tell you guys
why I wasn't in the documentary.
It's a very simple reason,
and, uh, I cannot stress
this point enough.
The only reason that I didn't do it
was because, and this is very important...
I don't know this nigga at all!
I don't know anything!
I don't know anything
that they don't tell me about.
I don't hang out with this nigga.
Nothing.
So what the fuck do I got to be
in the documentary for?
This guy, R. Kelly,
got another sex tape out now.
Can you believe that shit?
This guy makes more sex tapes
than he does music.
He's like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes.
"Another one."
Like, damn, nigga!
That's a lot of tapes.
The new one's so bad
that they didn't even show it.
I've never seen anything like this.
The prosecutor in Chicago
came out in a press conference
and read to the media
a transcript of a sex tape.
Have you ever heard of such a thing?
This nigga read the sex tape.
And it was so bad that R. Kelly
sounded guilty in the transcripts.
It's fucking amazing.
Sixteen times
the girl's age was mentioned.
Isn't that crazy?
This motherfucker is an idiot.
He was fuckin' her like,
"Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy
I've ever had in my life."
She was like,
"You like this 14-year-old pussy?"
Like, "Oh, yeah, I love this." I'm like,
"Man, you need to shut the fuck up."
You gotta give your lawyer
something to work with.
You supposed to be on the tape like,
"This is the best...
36-year-old pussy
I've ever had in my life."
Then your lawyer can be like,
"Your Honor, clearly my client
thought that this woman was 36,
as he mentioned some 16 times
in the tape."
They gonna know you lying, though,
you know what I mean. Everybody knows...
no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy.
Doesn't matter what I say.
And if you at home
watching this shit on Netflix,
remember, bitch, you clicked on my face.
Celebrity hunting season.
Doesn't matter what I say, they're going
to get everybody eventually.
Like, look, I don't think
I did anything wrong, but...
but we'll see.
They even got poor Kevin Hart.
Can you imagine such a thing?
Kevin Hart, let me tell you something.
It was... It was Kevin Hart's dream
to host the Oscars.
That's what he told me.
And I remember when he told me,
'cause I was thinking to myself,
"Well, that's an awfully strange dream
for an African American."
What kind of nigga dreams
of hosting the Oscars?
Kevin did, that's who.
And he did it.
Against all the odds, Kevin became
the most famous comedian
this world has ever seen,
and he got the job that only one black man
before him had had.
He was gonna host the 80th Oscars.
And I don't know what you know
about Kevin,
but I know
Kevin Hart is damn near perfect.
As close to perfect
as anybody I've ever seen.
In fact,
Kevin is precisely four tweets shy
of being perfect.
Ten years ago,
Kevin had made
some very homophobic comments.
And I'm not gonna repeat what he said...
because this is Atlanta.
You know what I mean.
I'm sure there's a lot of gay men
here tonight...
with their wives.
Far be it from me to offend anybody.
All right, I'll tell you what he said.
But just remember, these are not my words.
These were Kevin's words.
And it was a long time ago.
And I'm paraphrasing, 'cause I'm not good
at telling other people's jokes.
Okay, Kevin said...
that if his little son was demonstrating
or-or-or exhibiting,
uh, homosexual behavior around the house,
that he'd chastise him.
He'd say, "Hey, that's gay."
And then he said
he would smash a dollhouse
over that child's head.
Ooh, the gay community was furious.
And I don't blame 'em.
I got a lot of gay friends.
And all of them, 100% of them,
all have told me fuckin' horror stories
about the shit they had to go through
just to be themselves.
Crazy, crazy stories.
And in all those stories, I gotta say,
not one of them
has ever mentioned anything like...
their father smashing a fucking dollhouse
over their head.
'Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking.
Think about it. You would have to buy
this nigga a dollhouse
to break it over his head
in the first place.
Does that sound right?
Is anybody gonna do that?
The gay community was upset,
and then they put so much pressure
on the Academy
of Motion Pictures and Sciences
that they went to Kevin and said,
"If you don't apologize to that community,
then you cannot host these Oscars."
And then Kevin said, "Fuck it, I quit."
And then he went on every talk show
in America and apologized for six weeks.
Kevin fucked up.
I understand the mistake he made
because I've made the same mistake
early in my career.
This is many years ago, 15 years ago.
It was when I was doing Chappelle's Show.
There's a...
Thank you. Thank you.
On network television,
they have a department
that's called Standards and Practices.
This is the department that tells you
what you can and cannot say on television.
And if you're doing your job well,
you should never hear from 'em.
But if you're making Chappelle's Show,
you'll hear from these motherfuckers
all the time.
And remember, this was 15 years ago.
I made a mistake. I didn't even know
I'd done anything wrong.
I had written a sketch...
that had the word...
"faggot" in it.
So I had to go to Standards and Practices.
They call me up.
I don't know why they're calling me, but
I like the lady that runs the department.
She's usually really fair
and was one of my favorite people
I've ever worked with.
So she sits me down.
We have a nice conversation.
She tells me,
"Oh, the sketches are great."
I go, "Oh, fantastic.
Well, then... well, then, why am I here?"
She said, "Because, David,
there's no way...
that you can ever say the word...
"faggot" on our network.
I didn't know I did anything wrong.
I didn't try to defend myself.
I said, "All right. Fuck it,
I'll take it out. Have a good afternoon."
And as I was leaving, it occurred to me.
"Hey. Hey, Rene, quick question.
It's just a question.
Seriously, I wanna know.
Like, wh-why is it... why is it
that... that I can say the word "nigger"
with impunity...
...but I can't say the word "faggot"?"
And she said, "Because, David,
you are not gay."
I said, "Well, Rene...
I'm not a nigger either."
But, you see,
what I didn't realize at the time
and what Kevin had to learn the hard way
is we were breaking an unwritten
and unspoken rule of show business.
And if I say it, you'll know
that I'm telling you the truth.
The rule is that no matter what you do
in your artistic expression,
you are never, ever, allowed to upset...
the alphabet people.
You know who I mean.
Those people that took
20% of the alphabet for themselves.
I'd say the letters,
but I don't want to conjure their anger.
Ah, it's too late now.
I'm talking about them L's
and them B's and them G's
and the T's.
People would be surprised.
I have friends of all kinds of letters.
Everybody loves me and I love everybody.
I got friends who are L's.
I got friends who are B's.
And I got friends who are G's.
But the T's hate my fuckin' guts.
And I don't blame 'em.
It's not their fault. It's mine.
I can't stop telling jokes
about these niggas.
I don't want to write these jokes,
but I just can't stop!
You know, you hear all those letters
together all the time.
"LBGT, LBGT," and you think
it's just one big movement.
It's not.
All those letters are their own movement.
They just travel in the same car together.
And...
my guess is...
Oh!
What is this, high school? This nigga
probably got a babysitter or something.
Go and answer your phone, nigga.
Get that shit out of here.
I'm... I'm in the middle
of something important.
Wouldn't it be funny if we made fun
of him and he's like, "Ha, ha,"
and he went outside like, "Hello?"
"Mama's dead." "Oh, no!"
"Mama's dead."
That was a weird-timed phone call,
wasn't it?
It's like his phone is gay.
Like I was saying...
my guess is...
the G's are driving that car.
That makes sense to me.
'Cause there's white men in the G's.
And these people are trying to get around,
uh, discrimination and oppression,
and you know how white dudes are.
"We know these roads.
In fact, we built these roads.
"The rest of you, buckle up.
We'll get you to where you want to go."
So the G's are just driving the car.
Of course,
next to the G's in the passenger seat...
is the L's.
Everybody likes the L's,
except for the G's.
I don't know what that's about.
I just know the G's don't like them
that much.
The G's always say, like,
little subliminal digs on 'em.
It's unnecessary shit.
It's not mean, but you know what I mean?
They just be like...
"I wouldn't wear that."
And the only thing that breaks the tension
between the L's and the G's
are the B's in the backseat.
That's right. There you go.
Everybody scream out
when you hear your letter.
If there's one thing that the L's
and the G's agree on,
is it's that the B's are fuckin' gross.
They seem greedy to the L's and the G's.
You know what I mean?
'Cause they're just sittin'
in the back seat like, "Yeah, man,
I'll fuck anybody in this car.
What's going on, man?"
And sitting next to the B's,
all the way in the backseat by themselves
looking out the window...
that's the T's.
Everybody in the car respects the T's,
but everyone also...
resents the T's.
It's not the T's' fault,
but everyone in the car just feels like
the T's are making the trip take longer.
Anything the T's say
gets on everybody's nerves.
And then, the T's don't even
say anything bad.
They just be in the back
talking to themselves. "Hm...
"I'm hot."
"Shut up. Shut the fuck up, okay?
You should roll the window down, you...
Bitch, I don't know what you..."
"What?
I just said I was hot.
Can you pull over at the next exit?
I need to use the restroom."
"There is not a restroom for you
for four states, nigga!
Will you just shut the fuck up
so we can get where we're going?"
And just when that car
can't get any more tense,
the Q's are a hitchhiker
that they pick up on the road.
Some white dude in booty shorts
just walking in the freeway.
The G's see him.
"Hm, that guy might be one of us.
Hey, are you okay? You need some help?"
And he come over there with them
booty shorts, leaning on the window.
"Hey, what's going on, fellas?"
Lady.
Whatever pronoun
makes you feel comfortable in the back.
Yeah.
I don't really know where I'm going.
I don't know if I'm gay or I'm straight
or whatever.
All I know for sure is that, um...
I really want to get in this car."
And they make him get in
and sit between the B's and the T's.
I feel bad for T's.
But they're so confusing.
And it's not all my fault.
I-I feel like they need to take
some responsibility for my jokes.
'Cause I didn't come up with this idea
on my own,
this idea that a person can be born
in the wrong body.
But they have to admit
that's a fucking hilarious predicament.
It's really fucking funny.
If it happened to me, you'd laugh.
Wouldn't you?
That wouldn't be funny
if it happened to me?
I think it would be.
What if... What if it did?
What if... What if I was...
What if I was Chinese?
But... But born in this nigga body.
That's not funny?
And for the rest of my life,
I had to go around making that face.
"Hey, everybody, I'm Chinese!"
And everyone gets mad.
"Stop making that face. That's offensive."
"What?"
"This is how I feel inside."
It's hard not to write these jokes.
It's hard not to think about it.
Even when I watch sports, I'd be thinking
about it. Like, think about it.
Okay, say... say LeBron James,
uh, changed his gender.
You know what I mean? Okay.
Can he stay in the NBA,
or, because he's a woman,
does he have to go to the WNBA
where he will score 840 points a game?
What does it actually mean to be equal?
You know what I mean?
Like, if women are actually equal to men,
then there would be no WNBA, would there?
You would just be good enough
to play in the NBA with us.
Or, here's another idea
that's going to be very controversial,
you could...
shut the fuck up.
I'm sorry, ladies. I just...
I got a fucking Me Too headache.
Y'all is killing me right now.
It's really fuckin' tough
to watch what's going on.
You know, ladies,
I said it in my last special,
and I got in a lot of trouble for this.
I told you, you were right.
But the way you're going about it
is not going to work.
But I'm biased. I said it.
Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine
before he died
in that terrible masturbation accident.
And it was his room. You read the story.
He was masturbating in his own room.
That's where you supposed to masturbate.
Then he said, "Hey, everybody,
I'm gonna pull my dick out."
Nobody ran for the door
or nothing like that.
They all just kind of hung out, like,
"I wonder if this guy is serious."
And he came on his own stomach.
There it is.
What is the threat?
Have any women ever seen a guy
that just came on his own stomach?
This is the least threatening motherfucker
the Earth has ever seen.
All you see is shame in their face and...
cum dripping down like pancake butter.
He didn't do anything that you can
call the police for. I dare you to try.
Call the police on him.
"Hello? Police, yes.
I am... I am on the other line
with comedian Louis C.K.,
and I think that he is masturbating
while I'm on the phone."
You know what the police are gonna say
in Atlanta?
"Well, what are you guys talking about?
Mm-hm. Mm-hmm."
They ruined this nigga's life, and now
he's coming back playing comedy clubs,
and they acting like if he's able
to do that, that's gonna hurt women.
What the fuck is your agenda, ladies?
Is... Is sexism dead?
No, in fact, the opposite happened.
I said it was gonna get worse,
and they said I was tone deaf.
But eight states, including your state,
have passed the most stringent
anti-abortion laws
this nation has seen since Roe v. Wade.
I...
I told you. I told you.
I'll be real with you, and I know nobody
gives a fuck what I think anyway.
Uh...
I'm not for abortion.
Oh, shut up, nigga.
I'm not for it,
but I'm not against it either.
It all depends...
on who I get pregnant.
I don't care... I'll tell you right now.
I don't care what your religious beliefs
are or anything.
If you have a dick, you need
to shut the fuck up on this one.
Seriously.
This is theirs.
The right to choose
is their unequivocal right.
Not only do I believe
they have the right to choose,
I believe that they shouldn't
have to consult anybody,
except for a physician...
...about how they exercise that right.
Gentleman, that is fair.
And ladies, to be fair to us,
I also believe
if you decide to have the baby,
a man should not have to pay.
That's fair.
If you can kill this motherfucker,
I can at least abandon 'em.
It's my money, my choice.
And if I'm wrong,
then perhaps we're wrong.
So, figure that shit out for yourselves.
I mean, really, uh,
what the fuck are we doing?
I can't live in this new world
you're proposing.
And meanwhile, while we're worrying
about this other shit,
look at what's happening.
They just killed another 12 people
in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach.
This shit's happening every week.
It happens so much, I'm almost...
I don't care anymore.
I came home early from the road.
I had a $12,000 suit on,
'cause life's been going good.
And I got home early,
and dinner was cookin'.
You ever come home when dinner's cookin'?
Doesn't that smell good?
And my son saw me, and he was like,
"Dad's home."
And he got up from the table
and ran over to give me a hug,
but he had chicken grease
all over his face,
so I stiffed on him,
like, "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man.
Watch these threads, son.
This is an expensive suit.
I don't want you
to get that chicken grease all over me."
A-And he was like,
"What the f...
Chicken grease?
Dad, this is duck."
Hmm.
A tear came out of my eyes.
I never dreamt I'd do so well in life
that I'd raise a nigga
with duck grease all over his face.
And we sat down,
we just talked about everything.
I was telling my wife
about how my shows were going,
and I told her my trans jokes,
and she was like, "Oh, I hate that joke."
And you know why she hates the joke?
'Cause she's Asian.
But you know what I mean?
I don't make that face at the house,
u-unless we're really fightin'.
And me and her, we weren't arguing,
but you know what I mean?
She's like, "You need to stop doing that."
And then, I tried to change the subject.
"Oh, how is school going, boys?"
And my son's telling me, "Well,
we didn't have school today, technically."
I'm like, "What... What's going on?"
He said, "Well there was, like,
a school shooting drill."
I never heard of this.
You know what this is?
They have drills that they make kids do,
uh, where they practice what to do
if somebody comes
to shoot up their school.
I'd never heard of that before.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
I had to tell my sons the truth.
I didn't want to tell them this shit.
"Son...
Son, listen to me.
Fuck that drill.
If somebody comes to your school
and wants to shoot it up,
I'm just gonna be honest with you.
You probably gonna get shot, nigga.
I'm just being real.
You got a famous dad.
I talk a lot of shit.
They gonna be gunning for you,
little buddy.
Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern,
and don't try to save anybody, son.
Do you understand me?"
Why would you have kids rehearse
for some shit they have no control over?
All you're doing is training these kids
to worry.
It's the stupidest drill
I've ever heard of.
And while you're in there training 'em
during these drills,
well, aren't you
training the shooter, too?
This nigga's in here listening
and learning like the other kids.
Sittin' in the back...
"So, where are we supposed to meet?
Okay."
All right.
If you're a parent,
this shit is terrifying.
This shit is real scary.
All the parents
is looking at each other crazy,
because we know, as parents,
that one of us
is raising the shooter.
We just don't know which one of us it is.
All we know for sure...
is that if you're a white parent,
the chances that it's you...
...it's exponentially higher
than the rest of us.
Shooting up school is a white kids' game.
It's fuckin' crazy.
You know, I hated school, too.
It never occurred to me...
kill everybody in school?
It's fuckin' crazy.
Just do what I did, nigga.
Try some things.
"Have you skipped school, nigga?
Skip school!
Take a walk and meet some other kids.
Fuck school, nigga.
Try drugs. Have you tried drugs out?
Nigga, that might..."
Some scary shit.
I've given this a lot of thought.
I don't see any peaceful way
to disarm America's whites.
There's only one thing that's going
to save this country from itself.
Same thing that always saves
this country from itself,
and that is African Americans.
Right.
And I know the question
that a lot of y'all have in your minds is,
"Should we do it?"
Yeah. Fuck yeah, we should do it.
Listen, no matter what they say
or how they make you feel,
remember, this is your country, too.
It is incumbent upon us...
to save our country.
And you know what we have to do.
This is a fuckin' election year.
We gotta be serious.
Every able-bodied African American
must register
for a legal firearm.
That's the only way
they'll change the law.
I hate guns, personally.
I can't stand 'em.
Yeah, but I have several.
I don't want 'em,
but I feel like I need 'em.
Don't forget where I live. I live in Ohio.
And anyone that knows anything about Ohio
knows that even the word "Ohio"
is an old Native American word.
It means, literally,
uh, "land of poor white people."
And I don't know
what's going on down here,
but in my experience, uh,
poor white people love,
and, I mean, they fucking love...
heroin.
They can't seem to get enough of it.
I didn't know what I was looking at
at first. I was driving, like,
"Why are all these white people
so sleepy out here?"
It's really bad.
Matter of fact,
I was coming out of the nightclub
the other night in Dayton,
and I had parked my car in the alley,
and no one was out.
I didn't have no bodyguards or nothing.
I was home. I figured everything was fine.
And as soon as I open my car door,
all by myself,
suddenly,
uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites
just pops out of a trash can.
It scared the shit out of me. I screamed.
"Aah!"
And then, I realized it was a woman.
She was fucked up.
She was like...
"Hey, man.
Hey, man. Relax, okay?
I'm sick, all right?
I need some drugs, man.
Please? I'll suck your dick
for five dollars, man."
I was like, "Ick...
Two."
Obviously, I'm joking.
This opioid crisis is a crisis.
I see it everyday.
It's as bad as they say.
It's ruining lives, it's...
destroying families.
Sadly, you know what it reminds me of?
Seeing it?
Reminds me of us.
These white folks look exactly like us
during the crack epidemic.
You know, it's really crazy to see.
And all this shit
they talk about on the news
about how divided the nation is,
I don't believe it. I feel like, nowadays,
we're gettin' a real good look
at each other.
It's wild, because I even have insight
into how the white community
must've felt watching the black community
go through the scourge of crack...
because I don't care either.
"Hang in there, Whites.
Just say no. What's so hard about that?"
Remember when y'all said that to us?
But it's okay.
There's no grudges.
Now you finally got it right.
Once it started happening to your kids,
you realize it's a health crisis.
These people are sick.
They are not criminals.
They are sick.
Be that as it may,
I'm armed to the teeth.
First gun I bought was a 12-gauge shotgun.
I didn't want the gun.
Remember, though, I'd moved to a farm
and I was sittin' on the porch,
and I see a white dude
walking across my property,
entitled, like he's supposed to be there.
He had a rifle over his shoulder, too.
Ain't that a bitch?
I said, "What the fuck is this guy doing
on my property?"
I was mad as shit,
but I was unarmed.
So, I ended up just waving
to this motherfucker like a bitch.
I was just, like...
And as soon as he got far enough away,
I ran to my car and sped to Kmart.
This is in a rural white area.
And remember, I was nervous,
'cause the guy was on my property,
I'm black, and I was sweating.
You know what I mean?
And I ran to the gun counter.
Black and sweaty,
sweating and black,
and I looked up and I was like...
I looked like a slave or something.
I said, "I need a gun. Immediately."
Like that.
Just like that.
The guy didn't ask no questions,
he just...
grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun,
handed it to me.
I'd never even held a gun before.
I'm like...
"Well, I need...
I need some bullets, too."
And the guy reached under the counter,
put two boxes of shells on the counter.
He said, "All right, buddy.
Which box do you want?"
I didn't know.
One box had a picture of some ducks on it.
The other box had a picture of some deer.
I said, "Well, what's that box
with them ducks?"
He said, "Oh, that there's bird shot."
And then he goes just like this,
I'm not exaggerating, he goes,
"That won't kill a man."
He said,
"It'll just pepper him up nicely."
I said, "What the fuck? Pepper?"
You know what it means
to pepper a motherfucker up?
It means that when the shell explodes,
hot BBs will shoot out
of the barrel of the gun,
not killing a motherfucker,
but penetrating their skin
and shallow flesh.
Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Hot BBs?
"Aah! Aaaah!"
Remember when Dick Cheney
shot a motherfucker in the face
and he lived?
That was bird shot.
I said, "Well, what's that box
with the deer on it?"
He goes, "Oh, that there is buckshot.
That'll put a hole in a goddamn truck
if you wanted to.
So, which box do you want?"
And he picked the one with the deer up
and shook it.
I thought he was trying to trick me.
I was like, "Do you have a box, uh,
with a picture of a white dude trespassing
on it? 'Cause...
...that's exactly
the strength I'm looking for.
But I didn't know that if you're defending
your home with a shotgun,
the formula dictates that you're supposed
to buy both boxes.
This was not a formula
that I was familiar with.
It goes like this: there's six shots
in a 12-gauge shotgun.
So when you load the gun,
you load it like this.
First shot, bird shot.
Next shot, buckshot.
Bird shot, and then after that,
gun's Jamaican.
Buckshot, buckshot, buckshot.
But you gotta picture it. Okay, like,
say I'm in bed and I'm sleepin',
and suddenly, my wife wakes me up.
"David. David, wake up!"
And I'm like, "Uh, oh.
Look who's come around."
And I pull my dick over the top
of my pajamas.
And she's says, "No, I hear somethin'."
I go, "Oh, this bitch."
So I get up out of bed...
Uh, grab the gun.
I say, "Wait here, baby.
I'll go check it out.
Just lock the door behind me."
Oh, my God, she's right.
Right there in the kitchen
is a heroin-addicted white and...
he's digging through the change jar
by the door.
"I work really hard for that change.
I gotta do something."
So, first, I rack the shotgun.
"Hey, motherfucker!" Click-clack.
That's a test.
That click-clack sound will stop
a rational human being in their tracks.
But, sure enough,
this person is not rational.
They're sick on drugs.
They're digging in the change.
I gotta act fast.
This nigga's almost got $1.50.
"I warned you."
Bird shot!
And there it goes.
Hot BB's will permeate
his yellow heroin skin.
Remember, I'm not killing him,
I'm just "peppering him up nice."
He lets out a heroin scream.
No!
And that should be the end of it.
But... Uh-oh.
I miscalculated.
While he's on the ground screaming,
I notice that his teeth
are horribly miscolored.
That's not heroin at all, is it?
That's crystal meth.
He pops right back up, unscathed.
Time for the heavy stuff.
Clack-clack.
Buckshot!
And then, if he got a friend with him,
I got one more bird shot left.
And I repeat the cycle.
After that nigga,
it's slugs for everybody.
And I'll be in a kitchen
full of dying heroin addicts,
saying stupid heroin last words.
"You shot me, bro."
"Oh, it hurts, man.
It hurts. Ah."
Their last words are always
the dumbest words, like...
"Why is your dick out?"
I'm just afraid of being attacked.
It happens to the best of us.
Don't ever forget what happened
to that French actor.
You know who I'm talking about.
Jussie Smollett, he's a very French...
A very famous French actor.
Y'all never heard of Jussie Smollett?
Jussie Smollett is an actor from France.
A-And he became famous
on a show called Empire.
And one night,
he was in Chicago late at night,
and was the victim...
He was the victim of a racist
and homophobic attack.
You see, Jussie Smollett is...
gay, and he is black,
not just French.
Oh, it was a crazy story.
Apparently, when he's walking
down the street late at night,
two white men came out of the shadows,
uh...
with MAGA hats on and beat him up.
Tied a rope around his neck,
called him all kinds of niggas and...
and...
put some bleach on him
and ran off into the night.
This shit was, like, international news.
And everybody was furious,
especially in Hollywood.
It's all over everybody's Twitter feed
and Instagram page.
"Justice for Jussie" and all this shit.
The whole country was up in arms.
We was talking about it all the time
on the news,
and... and, for some reason,
uh, African Americans,
we were like oddly quiet.
We were so quiet about this shit
that the gay community started accusing
the African American community
of being homophobic
for not supporting him.
But what they didn't understand
is that we were supporting him
with our silence.
Because we understood
that this nigga was clearly lying.
None of these details added up at all.
He said he's walking down the street
in Chicago
and-and, uh, white dudes
come up to him and say,
"Hey, man, aren't you that faggot nigger
from Empire?"
What the fuck?
Does that sound like
how white people talk?
I know white people.
They don't talk like that.
"Are you that faggot nigger from Empire?"
They would never say that.
It sounds like something...
that I would say.
If you're racist and homophobic,
you don't even know who this nigga is.
You can't watch Empire.
Black people never feel sorry
for the police,
but this time,
we even felt sorry for the police.
Can you imagine
if you was a police veteran
taking this kid's police report?
"Okay, Mr. Smollett.
Please, tell me what happened."
"All right, you... 2:00 a.m.
You left the house at 2:00 a.m.
It was minus 16 degrees and...
All right.
You were walking? You were walking.
All right.
And... and where were you going?
Subway?
Sandwiches?
That's when the men approached you?
Did you see them? Do you have any...
Okay, what did they have on?
MAGA hats?
MAGA hats on in Chicago?
Excuse me, one second, Mr. Smollett.
Frank, come here for a second.
Find out where Kanye West was last night."
Such a fucking outrageous story.
He said they put a rope around his neck.
Has anyone here ever been to Chicago?
Yes!
All right. All right,
so you've been there.
Now, tell me, how much rope
do you remember seeing?
Who the fuck is carrying rope?
Like, when did you get mugged, nigga,
in 1850?
Who's got rope?
Who's got rope?
Man, that shit was awful.
So, okay.
I'm doing a show somewhere,
and I'm on stage,
and I was a little drunk, you know.
I figured, "Fuck, let me talk
about that nigga a little bit."
I figured it'd be safe, 'cause, you know,
everybody's phones are locked up...
And I went in on this kid.
I was talking all kinds of shit.
Now, I didn't know
that there was a journalist
in the audience.
And unfortunately for me,
that motherfucker...
took impeccable notes.
He told everybody everything I said.
He was even puttin' the jokes
in the headline.
The headline said, "Dave Chappelle Says
He Wants To Smash A Dollhouse
Over Jussie Smollett's Head."
I thought for sure
when I read that headline, I said,
"Well, that's it for me. I'm canceled."
But lucky for me,
that very same day,
the Chicago police caught
the motherfuckers that actually did it,
and, hilariously,
they were both, uh, Nigerian.
Not only were they not white,
they were very, very black.
They were Nigerian,
which is the funniest shit.
The whole story is funnier now.
"This is MAGA country,
you faggot nigger."
"You faggot nigger."
If... If you're in a group
that I made fun of,
then just know that I probably will only
make fun of you
if I see myself in you.
I make fun of poor white people
because I was once poor.
And I know that the only difference
between a poor black person
and a poor white person
is that a poor white person
feels like it's not supposed
to be happening to them.
Yeah!
Everything else is the same.
I know what it's like
to have a cold house.
I wasn't allowed to touch the thermostat
growing up without asking my father,
and it would be fuckin' freezing
in the house.
I'd be like, "Dad, please.
Can I please just turn the heat up
to, like, I don't know, 32, nigga?
It's really cold."
And my dad would say,
"Just put more clothes on, David."
"I got all three of my outfits on, nigga.
Will you look at me?
I'm freezing up here."
And he said, "Just don't think
about how cold you are, David."
And I said this. I didn't say it to him,
but I said it in front of him
so he could hear.
I said, "I fuckin' hate being poor."
And my dad got really upset.
He didn't scream or howl.
That wasn't his way.
He just threw his newspaper on the floor,
and he said, "David, David, David.
You are not poor."
He said, "Poor is a mentality."
He said, "It's a mentality
that very few people ever recover from.
Don't you forget it, son.
You are broke."
He said, "These are just
financial circumstances
that I hope to overcome
one day very soon."
And I said, "Well, Dad,
whatever you want to call this,
uh, it's wildly uncomfortable."
There was a big dance coming up
in the middle school.
I was 12 years old.
I said, "Dad, can I go to the dance?"
He said, "Of course you can go.
I want you to get out
and meet some more kids."
I said, "Great. Uh, it costs three dollars
to get in."
And my dad said, "Ooh...
Sorry, son, uh...
I don't have it."
I was like, "What the fuck?
You don't have three dollars?
Well, then, how are we alive, Dad?
Wish I found some way
out of this hell!
I'd do anything to not be poor.
I will show Michael Jackson my anus
if I get a chance.
I just gotta get out of this hell."
Dad said, "If you want to go to the dance
bad enough, I'll tell you what.
There's some money in the change jar,
get the money from there."
I was 12 years old. That's what I did.
I showed up to the dance early.
There's a long line of kids
waiting behind me
while I'm at the door, trying to count out
300 pennies to get inside.
I will never forget this shit
as long as I fuckin' live.
Oh, man, you know. If you've been poor,
you know what that feels like.
You ashamed all the time.
Feels like it's your fault.
And all them kids was laughing,
"Ha, ha, ha,
look how poor Dave Chappelle is."
Oh.
Like, when I think back at it,
that was really the only time in my life
that I ever thought to myself,
"I should kill everybody at school."
Thank you very much, everybody,
and good night.
Got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA
Got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA
I got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA
I got...
This is my heritage, all I'm inheritin'
Money and power
The makin' of marriages
Tell me somethin'
You motherfuckers
Can't tell me nothin'
I'd rather die than to listen to you
My DNA not for imitation
Your DNA an abomination
This how it is when you're in the Matrix
Dodgin' bullets, reapin' what you sow
Stackin' up the footage
Livin' on the go, sleepin' in a villa
Sippin' from a Grammy
Walkin' in the buildin'
Diamond in the ceilin'
Marble floors
Beach inside the window
Peekin' out the window
Baby in the pool, Godfather goals
Only Lord knows
I've been goin' hammer
Dodgin' paparazzi
Freakin' through the cameras
Eat at Four Daughters
Brock wearin' sandals
Yoga on a Monday
Stretchin' to Nirvana
Watchin' all the snakes
Curvin' all the fakes
Phone never on, I don't conversate
I don't compromise, I just penetrate
Sex, money, murder, these are the breaks
These are the times, level number nine
Look up in the sky, ten is on the way
Sentence on the way, killings on the way
Motherfucker, I got winners on the way
You ain't shit
Without a body on your belt
You ain't shit
Without a ticket on your plate
You ain't sick enough
To pull it on yourself
You ain't rich enough
To hit the lot and skate
Tell me when destruction
Gonna be my fate
Gonna be your fate
Gonna be our faith
Peace to the world, let it rotate
Sex, money, murder, our DNA
Mommy
Why does everybody have a bomb?
Mommy
Why does everybody have a bomb?
By the way...
Vanglorious!
This is protected
by the red, the black, and the green,
at the crossroad,
with a key,
sissy!