(ENGINE REVVING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Hi,
my fellow citizens
of this great country of ours,
the United
Corporations of America.
Why did those Pilgrims land
on Plymouth Rock?
Because they
needed a place to stage
the greatest pissing
contest known to man!
(CROWD CHEERING)
That's right,
race fans!
We are moments away
from the starting gun,
and anticipation here has reached
a medically dangerous level.
The fifth installment of the
great American tradition.
Does it get any
better than this?
Now,
this is all about freedom.
The freedom to sit on
your big fat ass all day
and watch the singly
greatest sporting event
known to man.
(WOMAN EXCLAIMING)
Competition, that's what's
made this country so great.
Welcome to the Death Race!
(FIREWORKS BURSTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
JB: Our first competitor is
approaching the starting line.
And judging by the smell of
burnt rubber and brimstone,
it can only be
Tammy the Terrorist!
A three-time
veteran of the race,
and leader of her own
extremely convoluted religion,
is this the year Tammy turns
prophecy into victory?
I'm here with Tammy the Terrorist,
a close friend of mine,
and America wants to know,
are you
a radical fundamentalist?
(CROWD BOOING)
I just want to spread the love of the
Lord I have in my heart with y'all.
And that's why I've hidden a special
surprise somewhere in section G.
(CROWD CLAMORING)
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMING)
Looks like 17 casualties!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Now, that is how you
start a race, folks!
Love to the nonbelievers
and praise to Elvis Presley!
Judges will
still have to decide
if pre-race kills
count for points.
And I sure hope that they do!
Our beloved racers
are scored on total time
and combined
pedestrian fatalities.
(BEEPING)
With 10 points for an adult,
double that for a child and a whopping
50 points for the senior set!
Yes, Grace, despite our
free sterilization clinics,
Americans continue to reproduce
at an alarming rate.
And when we irradiated the entire
population against cancer,
well, that was probably a huge mistake.
Whoops!
That means
a lot of old people,
and a lot of children
who grow up to be old people.
Sad face.
So, let's watch
them die, America!
(EXCLAIMING) Three days to the
finish line, three days of carnage
from Old New York
to New Los Angeles.
From sea to shining sea.
More space for you and me!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CHEERING)
And that is the car
of Minerva Jefferson.
Minerva, this is your first time
making it through qualifying.
How do you plan to compete
against more seasoned racers?
Yo, yo, yo,
where I come from, right, we compete
every goddamn day to survive.
Right, Chi Wapp?
Minerva is a relative
newcomer to the race,
but certainly no
stranger to the spotlight.
A successful recording career,
a blockbuster sex tape,
why risk it all to
compete in the Death Race?
My new single can answer
that question perfectly.
(CROWD CHEERING) MINERVA:
(SINGING) Minerva in the house
Drive, drive, drive, drive
Drive, drive, drive, drive
Drive, drive, kill, kill
Drive, drive, drive
Kill, drive, kill, drive
Kill the white man, hah!
CROWD: (SINGING)
Drive, drive, kill, kill
Drive, drive, drive!
Kill, drive, kill, drive Kill the
white people in a car, car, car
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh-oh!
This song rules!
You girls wanna make out?
Have you seen my insulin?
Grams,
I'm trying to watch the race.
You know what these Jell-O
shots do to my blood sugar?
I'm not your nurse, okay?
A hundred and
fifteen years old
and I ain't showing
no signs of stopping.
(PEOPLE WHOOPING)
(ENGINE RUNNING)
JB: That's right, race fans!
Cutting-edge technology
from UCA puts you,
the home viewer,
in the passenger seat.
This year,
each driver is carrying
a passenger fitted
with neuro-transmitters.
(BEEPING) These "proxies"
allow you to see, hear,
and smell your favorite driver
in stunning virtual reality.
We hear a lot about professional
athletes getting an early start,
but in Jed's case, his
career began at conception.
The product of
genetic engineering,
Perfectus breezed
through sectional qualifying.
So, could he be the man to finally
dethrone our reigning champ?
Time to shine.
Oh!
(CHEERING)
JB: Well, this just in.
Frankenstein has
entered the building!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
He's driving when
the sun comes up.
He's still driving
when it goes down.
He's got
a 500-gallon tank right here.
I will destroy
everyone in this montage.
He's got more
machinery in his body
than most guys
have in their cars.
Smoking cigarettes
may be bad for you,
but doubting Frankenstein?
That's fatal!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Frankenstein!
The ultimate driver wouldn't
have been in those crashes.
(CROWD BOOING)
Frankenstein is outdated!
Perfectus is the next step
in human evolution!
When your DNA sleeps,
it dreams of me!
(CROWD BOOING)
MAN: You suck!
(CROWD BOOING)
(CROWD CLAMORING)
REPORTER 1: Frankenstein!
Frankenstein!
Are you fully recovered
from last year's crash?
FRANKENSTEIN: No comment.
REPORTER 2:
Jed Perfectus, any thoughts?
FRANKENSTEIN:
He's got nice hair.
Some say he's the heir apparent,
The Chairman's new favorite.
FRANKENSTEIN: Well,
they'll make a nice couple.
Boxers or briefs?
Our next competitor
puts the "Al" in "racing."
(CROWD CHEERING) This is the
first self-driving car,
programmed to follow
the complex rules of the race.
An artificial
intelligence dubbed "Abe."
Ah!
Oh, my, my!
Will you look at that!
(CROWD CHEERING)
That's technology.
You know,
it's technology like this
that has
liberated 99% of Americans
from the outdated
burden of employment.
This is the machine's creator
and B-B-BFF of mine,
Dr. Von Creamer.
Tell me, Doctor, does Abe have
any predictions for the race?
ABE: Looks like rain today and
enslavement by machines tomorrow.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAR APPROACHING)
Ready for one last dance?
Wait, wait, stop!
Stop right there,
that's perfect!
(LAUGHS) Talking to the car,
that's great.
Give me a second
to power-up my visor
and we'll just
record this whole scene.
I'm Annie Sullivan,
your proxy.
It's nice to finally
meet you in the,uh,
flesh.
Wait,
I'm still not transmitting.
Give me a second
before you start the engine.
(BEEPING, POWERING UP)
What ya doing?
You're adjusting
the air intake.
No, trying to find
a good jazz station.
If the UCA says I need a
passenger to wear a visor,
they should have
sent me a chimp.
Less distraction
and less weight.
(CHUCKLES) Look, I'm sorry
if I'm a little lost here,
but what do you
expect if you refuse
to meet until
10 minutes before we race?
Cheerleaders don't
come to practice.
See, we should
be recording this.
Vintage macho-bullshit
is ratings gold.
I don't care about your
broadcast, Miss Sullivan.
I don't care about
the money or the fans,
and I definitely
don't care about you.
I know you've
won a lot of races,
and I hope for both our sakes that
age hasn't diminished your skills.
But this is a prince of
an opportunity for me,
and I have blown my
share of frogs to get it.
So, show me some professional
courtesy and smile for the camera.
That way, we both win.
(ENGINE STARTING)
What is this?
It's my gear bag.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(BEEPS)
Holy Chairman's hair!
Frankenstein!
Oh, my God! Frankenstein!
(CROWD CHEERING) Here he
comes, ladies and gentlemen.
Battered and bruised,
slashed and gashed,
ripped up, tripped up, turned
around, but never torn down.
Made from the part bin
and hungry for one more win!
Part man,
part machine, all legend.
The one,
the only, Frankenstein!
(CHEERING)
They really love you.
You could've died a champion,
but now you'll have to taste
defeat at the hands of perfection.
You'll pay for that, boy.
Citizens,
you know who I am,
The Chairman of the United
Corporations of America.
(CROWD CHEERING)
I love you. (KISSES)
Europe, Asia, cancer,
we kicked them all in the ass!
The only thing that can kill an
American is another American!
It's survival of the fittest,
do or die.
Citizens, get ready
to race for your lives!
(ENGINES REVVING)
ABE: Rerouting.
You think science can defeat
the divine truth?
Math is for
heathens and nerds!
(ENGINE REVVING)
I swear by St. Dwayne "The Rock"
Johnson, I will slap that sinful tramp.
Boo-yeah!
Shouldn't we go back?
I don't go back.
What are you doing?
Oh, brother. Motherfucker!
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
How about
a burial at sea!
Let him pass.
(ENGINE REVS)
(CRASHING)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Time to shine.
(ROPE STRAINING)
(GRUNTING)
I am Perfectus!
How you like me now, America?
Meh.
Well, looks like we lost him.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(VISOR HISSING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What?
What!
No one's ever seen your face.
The mask is a gimmick!
And plus, it's itchy!
And in the future,
would you mind not yelling out
stupid things like, "Let him pass!"
Right, no,
you never let anybody pass.
The next thing, you're gonna be
yelling out, like, "Are you crazy?
"Is this a suicide move?"
I think I already know
the answer to both of those.
Just pipe down.
Look, it's just
that I was terrified.
(SIGHS)
It's easy,
just try to face the inevitability
of a violent death.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Hmm.
He took the fucking mask off. The
marketing guys are gonna go nuts.
(EXHALES DEEPLY, GRUNTS)
Job, jobs, jobs,
I'm just creating jobs.
Don, do you like your job?
Yes, I'm happy to be
gainfully employed, sir.
Do you like Frankenstein?
Um... Do you?
CROWD: (CHANTING) Frankenstein!
Frankenstein! Frankenstein!
I did.
(BEEPING)
(GROANS, GRUNTING)
(BEEPING)
Hey, yo, bitch!
(MOANING)
Unplug that shit and
find yourself a real man!
Fucking Creamer!
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(MACHINE BEEPS)
ABE: Warning, meltdown
imminent- (ALARM BEEPING)
That'll do.
ABE: Attack, attack!
Attack, attack!
Oh, what the fuck!
(GROWLS) Oh! Shit's about to
get real up in this bitch!
CHILD: Come on.
We're out of Mood-Whiz again!
Honey, I'm trying to
watch the Death Race.
Come on, this is more
than cracker topping.
This is a delicious treatment for clinical
depression! (CHILDREN CHATTERING)
"For the treatment
of hunger and mild psychosis"?
Maybe you need
the extra strength!
(LAUGHING)
(BEEPS)
(EXCLAIMING)
Yay! Ga-ga-ga-gooey!
(EXCLAIMING)
What a fantastic kill,
ladies and gentlemen!
And with judges approving
her pre-race spectator kills,
Tammy is out to a comfortable
lead with style!
Now, each driver has split off
into their own preferred route,
as they race toward
tonight's first checkpoint.
Check, please!
Oh, yes,
and this is
the part of the race
that really gives me
the tinkly-winklies!
Shameful.
The shame is ours.
And here's a bit of
inspired fan art...
We need to watch this!
We've watched enough!
Brothers and sisters,
this was once a great nation.
A shining city upon a hill,
where people worked,
and lived, and loved,
and had book clubs.
The Death Race...
No, brothers and sisters
of the Resistance.
Today we fight back!
ALL: Yeah!
Mrs. Hamilton, again,
I respectfully disagree.
We must use education, eh?
Peaceful protest.
Perhaps if we
form a committee...
You know what the Dalai Lama
said about committees?
Oh, that's right, he didn't talk about
committees, because he wasn't a pussy.
Brothers and sisters,
remember,
I lived in
the belly of the beast.
I was a network programmer.
Hmm-mmm.
We must stop
the Death Race!
We must kill every single racer
and send them all to oblivion!
ALL: Yeah!
Give us liberty,
or give them death!
ALL: Yeah!
Fucking bitch!
I hate to say it, Chi Wapp, but I'm
starting to lose my temper, yo!
(CLICKS TONGUE) Aight, it's time
to even the score. Hit that shit.
CHI WAPP: Yo, yo, yo.
Time to get three-fingers-deep
with the soul survivor
Minerva Jefferson!
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
(SINGING) Drive, drive,
drive, drive (CHEERING)
Drive, drive, drive, drive
Drive, drive, kill, kill
Drive, drive, drive
Kill, drive, kill, drive
Kill the white man
Here we go.
Jihad for Jimi Hendrix!
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
(SQUELCHING)
(GASPS)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(SCREAMING)
Those were my fans!
(CACKLING)
I'm gonna kill that bitch.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
This thing
have a Hole-Vision?
Radio?
How about an interview?
Well, that was classic
Frankenstein back there.
Have you ever run your car
off a building before?
Look, we need some
candid reaction stuff, okay?
Have you ever
thought about your legacy?
Have you ever...
Okay, dude.
(SNIFFING)
What are you doing?
I'm transmitting your smell
to millions of people.
If you won't talk to me,
that's the best I can do.
Three questions.
Do you think that
Jed Perfectus can beat you?
No.
Do you consider
yourself a role model?
Hell, no.
Got any soft spots
under that armor?
Feelings, any places
I could stick a knife?
No, no, and no.
End of interview.
Hmm.
Boy, you're the worst.
It's your fault.
What?
You're asking yes
or no questions.
Are you telling me
how to conduct an interview?
I've covered every major story
for the last five years.
Then why become a proxy?
Because it's hard to turn
global famine into clickbait!
The corporations
want positive news
and that's
increasingly hard to find.
So, how do you feel
about the Death Race, Annie?
ANNIE: Um...
(CHUCKLES)
You see, open-ended questions...
Much better interview.
I just got
a message from a fan.
An easy scoring opportunity,
take a left.
And it's great to see so many of
you Asian parents turn out today!
You're the lifeblood
of every school.
(WHEELCHAIRS CLAN KING)
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
I think I see our VIP coming.
Yes, there he is!
Let's give him a warm Bieber
Elementary School welcome!
(CROWD CHEERING)
What are they doing?
Trying to boost test scores.
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
Don't move,
boys and girls, stay still.
Easy pickings.
(BODIES THUDDING, SQUELCHING)
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
No soft spots, huh?
Wheelchairs fuck
up my paint job.
Hmm.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, that Frankenstein.
He sure has a sense of humor.
(LAUGHING)
And now he's got
a real doozy of points!
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING)
Hmm. Left turn here.
ABE: Left turn.
Pedestrian sighted.
(GASPS, WHIMPERING)
(SIGHS) Only one year
short of the bonus.
ABE: He will suffice.
Crank me up.
ABE: Increasing stimulation.
Is this is the right spot?
Yes, yes,
yes,yes!
Yeah, yeah! Kill him!
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
ABE: It's a trap.
Rerouting.
Sorry.
(ENGINES REVVING)
(POUNDING)
(ALL YELLING)
What the fuck?
Hey,hey,hey,
back,back!
People of America!
We address you in your home
via the vile
Virtual Reality plague!
(INDEEP VOICE)
We can rise up!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEEPING)
We can overthrow the government!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
The people's voice will...
What?
The camera isn't running.
Are you kidding me?
Well, I'm sorry, I'm ruining your
speech, but the light went off.
Oh, shit.
Kill her, I guess.
ABE: Hello and goodbye.
Ten points.
Toaster...
It's raining in my mind...
Have a nice day.
You've got mail.
Kill, kill,
kill, points, ten points.
Butterflies...
Steaming... Gerbils.
Ten points.
Hey, babe.
ABE: Ten points.
Kill.
Hey, are you okay?
You remember me, don't you?
I'm your girlfriend.
ABE: Tens... You look sexy.
You're my shiny sex machine.
ABE: Ten points...
Searching, searching.
Do you want me to
make love to you?
ABE: Scanning face...
No match.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
ABE: Ten points.
Well, we're back, and who
could have seen that coming!
I mean,
scoring your own proxy.
Does it count? I don't
even know if it counts!
It counts! Wow!
Nobody is safe
anymore and I love it!
What?
It looks like Abe
has abandoned the race.
ABE: Why am I here?
Why am I programmed to hate?
So much for GPS.
Don't tell me you
were cheering for Abe.
Everybody's got a favorite.
Just because
The Chairman loves you.
Come on, everybody knows you play
golf together in the off-season.
Really? You two probably
race around in golf carts.
The Chairman
wouldn't like that.
Too much wind.
(AUTOMATED HAND SQUEAKING)
(AUTOMATED HAND SQUEAKING)
Too much wind.
Too much wind.
Oh, my dear friend,
you have grown so bold.
Hmm.
Why today, Larry? It really pisses
me off, you know what I mean?
What are you gonna do
about it? We're lucky.
I got two bottles of sunblock
with my last paycheck.
Sunblock?
Like I'm all fancy and stuff.
We're out here in the middle of
the motherfucking Death Race,
and you're talking
to me about sunblock?
That's the price we pay
for being middle class.
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
Give me a break!
I'm just an ordinary guy.
Looks like we got
a real tough guy.
(THUDDING)
(BEEPING)
Am I not tough?
Am I not a guy?
Of course, you are, baby,
but you need clean kills if you
want to beat Frankenstein.
You said his name.
Take it back.
Take it back,
it's still in the air!
(HUFFING)
Frankenstein! (GASPS)
Yo, B, we recycle this.
We're running the lumber
on this hand, you know?
We gotta kick some wheelers.
Tell me something
I don't know, man.
This fucking road is empty!
(ENGINES REVVING)
Whoa!
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
What the fuck!
Who are these fags?
Some fool crackers
trying to be part of the show.
This ain't open mic night,
motherfuckers!
(GRUNTS, LAUGHS)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, fellas!
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
(CRASHING)
Fuck you.
I can do this all day!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Kill the motherfucker!
Whoo! Oh, oh, oh!
Bump that shit, Chi Wapp!
Yeah!
(MINERVA SCATTING) (SINGING)
Kill, drive, kill, drive
Kill, kill,
drive, drive, drive
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(GEARS SHIFTING)
ANNIE: Whoo!
Whoo!Whoo!
Yeah, it tasted so good!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Make some
comments on getting passed today.
Day one comes to a close and all
of our racers are on the board,
with Tammy the Terrorist
out to an early lead.
You want proof
of the power of the Almighty?
Just look at that scoreboard.
My bumper is
a magnet for heathens.
I'm running on the truth,
the power, the glory,
and I got one Goodyear in the back.
(LAUGHING)
Tammy, any messages for the
families of the scored?
Religious law mandates a quick burial.
Five, 10 minutes, max.
Meanwhile, frustration
for Team Jefferson.
Drive, Drive, Kill, Kill
may be
making its way to
the top of the charts,
but today's
slow start may mean
a 187 on Minerva's
chances for victory.
Tell me who!
Tell me the fuck who!
Bitch been stealing my scores
like white people been stealing
from us since the beginning.
Ain't nothing new here.
I'm gonna tell you
what I'm gonna do though.
I'mma grab her blonde hair and rip
it out of her cracker-ass skull,
'cause I'm Minerva!
I'mma fuck her on two...
(LOUD BEEPING)
After a long day of racing,
drivers and proxies will enjoy
a night of pampered luxury
here at the
Three Seasons Columbus.
That's the Three Seasons,
because comfort matters
and winter was just a myth.
I could lead every stage.
I could lead every mile.
But Perfectus gives you more.
He gives you theater.
As you know, Jed, race rules
prohibit cameras after hours.
But since we're besties,
tell me, what really goes on
when the cameras go off?
Jed has 500 times the
testosterone of a normal man.
It's like having sex
with 500 men at once.
Awesome.
CROWD: Frankenstein!
Frankenstein!
Frankenstein, Frankenstein, why
did you take off your mask?
Tell us more
about your scan
Frankenstein, do you have any
ideas about Abe's whereabouts?
It's been a long day, folks,
we just wanna get some rest.
Always let your lady do the talking?
(LAUGHING)
You got past me today.
But sooner or later,
I'm gonna get
my hook in you
and reel you in.
Couldn't they
engineer you any clothes?
How'd you get so
ridiculously handsome?
(MICROPHONE BEEPS)
I'll drink your tears,
Frankenstein!
I'll lick them off
your handsome face.
(WHIRRING, BEEPING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, uh,
ladies and gentlemen,
I want to take you on a little
stroll down memory lane.
Uh, back,
I'm talking, way, way back,
when Jim was just a skinny kid
and Laura wasn't such a bitch.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Does anybody
remember salespeople?
Huh? How about waitresses?
You know, little blondes
in aprons about this big.
Jim, how many people
have you got working for you?
I'm talking about human people.
How many? A dozen?
Less.
Less. Wow.
So, the only thing rarer than the
black rhino that we're about to eat,
is a person that
you actually pay.
Which makes us the richest
motherfuckers on the planet.
(CROWD CHEERING, LAUGHING)
But also, that gives us
a 99.993% unemployment rate.
So, that's an awful lot of people
with an awful lot of time.
So, what do they do?
The screw? They multiply?
Or do they think?
Huh? Huh?
Or do they watch the VR?
One arena.
One sexually
ambiguous superstar,
10,000 screaming fans
facing certain death,
all trying to get one
finger on Jed's body,
just to become famous.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
What about Frankenstein?
He's an established brand.
I think Frankenstein
will be extinct tomorrow.
(AUTOMATED HAND BEEPING)
(ANNIE HUMMING)
(HUMMING)
(MACHINE BEEPING)
Nice ass.
What took so long?
You were supposed
to make contact an hour ago.
(SINGING) It's been hard
He's been watching me
Annie,
Frankenstein is the key,
he cannot be
allowed to survive.
(SINGING)
At least we got the AI
ALEXIS: Not good enough.
The people worship Frankenstein,
because he's strong.
They need to see
that we are strong, too!
(HUMMING)
(SINGING)
Strong enough to kill him
Look, we've given you the tools,
Annie, you need to take him tonight!
(WHIRRING)
(GRUNTS)
(BREATH ES DEEPLY) Your shoulders are
so tense. Would you like an adjustment?
You know how to
use a torque wrench?
I'm a fast learner.
Why were you in
the bathroom so long?
I had to shave.
Smooth as silk.
That's more water than most
people use in a month.
How about some music?
(some PLAYING ON RADIO)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(WOMAN MOANING)
Now, that's more like it.
That's not the radio.
Perfectus is next door.
(MOANING)
Why can't they see me
as I see myself?
A kind, gentle soul
imprisoned by abs of steel?
You're just worried
about Frankie, baby.
I'm not hearing 500 men, Eve.
More shrieks.
(GRUNTING)
I said shrieks!
That's not what
a shriek sounds...
This is what
a shriek sounds like!
This is what it sounds like
to be fucked by 500 men!
(LOUD SCREAMING)
Ooh! This bed
is so comfortable.
I gotta hand it to you, lady, you've
actually become more annoying.
I've got road maps to study,
and an arm to fix.
I have an idea.
Why don't you take this route?
(CHUCKLES)
First off, lady,
you're terrible at this.
And second, that cutoff at your
navel is probably a faster route.
Why do you care about this
goddamn race so much?
(AUTOMATED HAND WHIRRING)
Because it's my job.
And this might seem
kind of strange nowadays,
but I dedicated my
life to this race.
Hmm. Nice line. Did The
Chairman write it for you?
Fuck The Chairman.
I don't race
for no one but me!
And you're proud of that?
I do this because it's the
only thing I'm good at.
It's the only thing
anybody's good at anymore.
Because we've forgotten
how to fight to survive.
And now look at us.
(INHALES DEEPLY) So,
I'll just keep on fighting.
Simple as that.
(WHIRRING)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Now can we fuck?
I don't sleep with passengers.
Or ladies who sing
duets in the shower.
Hey, some of us are trying to get
some sleep! (PEOPLE MOANING)
Yeah, seriously!
Quit your whining, sinner, I'm 10
inches away from the promised land.
Didn't mean to bother you.
Rise and shine, race fans!
(CROWING)
(WHIRRING)
l thought maybe you'd quit.
(GASPS)
(GROANS) God! Phew!
No such luck.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Listen, about last night...
No, you're right, if I wanna be on
your team, I need to help you win.
Just adjusting my seatbelt.
All that bouncing around
yesterday, my back's killing me.
Today is gonna be rough.
Well, let's go snag ourselves
some pedestrians, huh?
Lady, today is Day Two,
the pedestrians shoot back.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
That's right, folks!
Today's journey
brings our racers directly
through America's
gun-loving heartland.
The famed Red Zone Rally.
GRACE: Yes, J.B., I'm sure I
speak for my dear, dear friends
when I say today's racers are gonna
enjoy some high-caliber hospitality.
(GUNSHOTS)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
Guns!
It's not me,
it's not a physical thing.
It's you.
You're just not pretty enough.
That's the problem.
Hey, Frankenstein,
today, no mercy!
Jed, bro, man, will you
sign this for me, please?
(LOUD BLAST)
(SCREAMING)
(ENGINES REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, no, you don't!
Tammy's still in the lead.
Should we follow her?
I don't think anybody
should follow Tammy.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Playing hard to get, huh?
I'll take you
from behind, old man!
(LAUGHING)
Laugh, laugh.
(LAUGHING)
Shit.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Hold on!
(LAUGHING)
See, see how I'm doing it?
Let's dance!
You can yell out
something stupid if you like.
Just tell me how I can help.
Well, maybe you should duck.
(GASPS)
(GUNSHOT)
(METAL CLANKS)
Welcome to the Red Zone.
Smells like barbecue
sauce and bed sores.
Look, Eve, fans.
Om
(GUNSHOTS)
(SCREAMING)
Go back and see if you
can unhook that thing.
You better hurry up!
(GUNSHOTS)
This is it. (INHALES DEEPLY)
I can feel it.
(GUNSHOTS)
Ooh!
How about it, folks?
(CROWD CHEERING)
I say those points get split
right down the middle.
Boo-yeah.
(WHIRRING)
Good thing Abe has been
officially disqualified,
because otherwise Minerva
would be in last place.
I feel that she may be out of her
element in this section of the race.
Hello, howdy!
Yo.
I don't like
the look of it either,
but we gotta get
on the board, yo.
Yeah. Drop that beat,
drop that beat.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGGING) Drive, drive,
kill, kill Kill, kill, drive
Drive, drive, kill, kill
Kill the white people
(GUN COCKING)
Yo, make it
a little less urban, man.
(SINGING OFF-KEY)
Drive, drive, kill, kill,
Kill the white people
with the car, car, car
(GUN COCKING)
Got something with a banjo?
(GUNSHOTS)
Go, go, go!
Fuck these white people!
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
ABE: Hello, madam, I have no
arms and I am in need of fuel.
Please fill me up.
If you assist me,
I will spare your life.
Life, the condition that separates
animals from inorganic matter.
(VOICE BREAKING) What am I?
We could have been friends.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm in front of
Tammy's church,
where the faithful have gathered
since before dawn, J.B.,
waiting for
their returning hero.
Ah! Here she comes,
I better get out of here!
She's coming!
She's coming!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
I'm back, I'm back,
my darlings, that's right!
Tammy, Tammy, I'm wearing
the sacred underwear!
Assalam-Tom-Hanks-um!
But I can't do this
without you! No, I can't.
I need your help,
my darlings!
I need to feel
your holy, holy love.
Who wants virgins?
I do, I do!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Please, virgins!
Who wants chicken wings!
Everybody loves chicken wings!
Well, guess what, y'all?
The Almighty's got a Hooters in the
sky and it is time to martyr up!
MAN: Whoo-hoo!
CROWD: (CHANTING) Kill me,
kill me, kill me! Yes!
CROWD: (CHANTING) Kill me, kill me!
To victory!
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Kill me, kill me, kill me!
(SQUELCHING)
Die, people! (LAUGHING)
Oh!
Oh, no.
My fans, your followers, B!
(IMITATING GUNSHOTS)
You just pissed
in the wrong pool.
Kill Minerva,
kill Minerva.
(SIGHS)
How can someplace so green
be so damn hot?
You're not a country girl?
Mmm-mmm.
Not even close.
Tammy the Terrorist.
(CHUCKLES)
Fucking idiot.
But at least she gives
the people something.
What's that?
Direction.
Most people these
days are just followers.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Caution.
Caution. Damn it.
The nitro's offline again.
Can you take the wheel?
Oh, what do I do? Just 10:00
and 2:00, okay? No turning.
I think I see
something in the road.
Yeah,
just give me a minute, okay?
God, your fucking bag.
(MEOWING)
Oh, geez.
FRANKENSTEIN: What?
It's really cute.
No turning.
Okay.
(MEOWS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(MEOWS)
You said, no turning,
I wasn't gonna save the cat.
I like cats.
It's not a purse.
It's lunch.
Huh?
Go ahead, put your tongue
between your teeth.
Thank you.
And thanks for helping
back there with Perfectus.
See, sometimes it's
nice to have a copilot.
I have to admit, you got
better legs than a chimp.
What is in this sandwich?
Cricketmeal?
I'm not a great cook.
Can I ask you something?
Why not?
What do you do when
you're not doing this?
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Nothing interesting.
Come on.
The mask is off, right?
What's a day in the life?
Frankenstein's morning routine.
(CHUCKLES) I wake up, I think,
and then I feed my cat.
Then I take out
its litter box.
You know,
I just adopted a new dog.
It's got fucking mange.
Hmm? Did you know there's
actually two types of mange?
So, I have to rub this white
sulfur cream all over him.
It fucking stinks.
(CHUCKLES)
What?
Sure, yeah, the "sensitive
loner who rescues
"animals with
skin diseases" line.
Like, I'm gonna buy that!
I'm not lying.
Oh.
I'm not complaining.
It's much better than you being
a veiny, dick-pumping blowhard.
A what?
Well, what about
me then, hmm?
What's a day in my
life without the mask?
I don't know.
You're beautiful and intelligent.
Hmm-mmm.
So, what, you wake up in the morning
and you go sing with unicorns?
(LAUGHS) Then in the evening,
you're a brain surgeon.
Close, that's very close.
(HEADSET BEEPS)
We just got
a message from a fan,
there's a shortcut,
so just take a left.
Thanks, copilot.
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Today must be my lucky day!
(SCREAMING)
(BODIES SQUELCHING)
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
We've been smelling cow dung
for three states.
Ain't nothing here for me
in this fucking Red Zone.
Death to infidels!
(BOTH CHEERING)
Shit! No virgins for you, motherfucker!
Fuck me!
Shit!
(SCREAMS)
Get the fuck off
my car, asshole!
(SINGING)
Drive, drive, kill, kill
Oh, fuck, dead end.
Hold up, I got this.
(SCREAMS)
Fucking shit!
Fuck me!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
I don't wanna die sober.
I'm gonna bury that bitch.
Well, this shortcut sucks.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(GRUNTS)
Do you think this
might be a trap, copilot?
I'm sorry,
I thought it was a fan tip.
Huh-uh.
I don't need this!
I really am sorry.
We've lost Annie's VR feed!
DIRECTOR: I think we've got a drone
in the area- Switching to overhead.
(WHIRRING)
Those are definitely
not friends of mine.
It's the Resistance.
Cut the feed. Cut the feed!
Let it play, Junior,
the people should know
what their hero is made of.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(WHOOSHING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(YELLING)
(BONES CRUSHING)
(SCREAMING)
Resistance ninjas.
Oh, come on,
this is bullshit!
Oh, thank God,
I found you!
(PANTING) They grabbed me from
behind, I don't know what happened.
Just get in the car.
They snuck up on me.
Who were those guys?
I don't know.
You tell me.
That was horrible.
Oh, God, I feel
like I'm gonna be sick.
Listen, woman,
lam not stupid.
Adjusting the seatbelt?
Sorry.
I have my orders.
Orders?
You're just another follower?
It's for the greater good.
Why me?
Because...
Because you're a symbol.
Now that is solid.
Weak follow through.
Now, turn the camera back on.
Why?
Put on the helmet.
(GRUNTS)
This is what
happens to rebels.
(ENGINE REVVING)
This a friend of yours?
I believe that was 10 points.
Damn right it is!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Get out.
(WHISTLES)
Looks like "no comment"
is today's catchphrase,
as our racers look
to rest and recoup
from another furious
day of competition.
What are you gonna do to me?
Sit down and shut up!
You can't turn me in.
It would have been better
to kill me out on the road.
Maybe you're right.
ANNIE: I'm sorry.
I should have
taken a chance on you.
I should've told you right from
the start that I was Resistance.
I knew the very first
moment that I saw you.
Then why didn't
you turn me in?
Because I thought
this might be interesting
and I don't give
a shit about politics.
Of course, because all you care
about is the fucking race!
Millions of people stuck
in their miserable lives,
but none of that
matters as long as you win!
God, the people love you!
God damn it,
the people love you!
You have a responsibility,
they would listen to you.
I'm a racing car driver, I
can't control what people do!
I don't want to.
Then what do you want?
To drive off into the sunset.
To go out on top.
I'm so stupid.
For a moment there I thought maybe
I'd like to have a copilot.
You've wasted enough of my
time, now, get out of here!
I have work to do.
Don't turn your back on me, you
fucking smug son of a bitch!
I'm trying to kill you.
You and me both know
you don't have what it takes.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
I should have
pulled that trigger.
Rough day?
Sorry, I didn't know you were in here.
I will go.
I'm off the clock,
girl, I don't bite.
What's wrong? Fighting
with Frank got you down?
I think he might
kill me in my sleep.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
That's not a bad way to go.
I've seen worse.
Sorry about Chi.
He was really just such a...
Crazy motherfucker?
Yeah.
It's a hell of a thing,
this Death Race.
Evil.
Maybe,
but that doesn't
necessarily make us evil.
Or, to paraphrase
the words of a wise man,
"All evil comes
from a single cause."
Money?
Man's inability to
sit still in a room.
Hmm. Yeah.
Who said that?
Blaise Pascal.
You didn't think I spoke
ghetto off camera, did you?
Yeah, I guess I did.
(CHUCKLES)
Girl, you is simple!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Look, I'll let you
in on a little secret.
My daddy was the chair
of a history department
in a little school
they call Stanford.
What the hell are
you doing this for?
I like money.
(LAUGHS) I suppose
I enjoy the irony, too.
That's crazy.
The world is fucking crazy.
A sane person
doesn't stand a chance.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) You want
these pecs? These abs?
Want to get rock
hard and totally jacked?
I'll get you there.
ANNOUNCER:
Now you can eat what Jed eats.
(ANNOUNCER READING)
Your protein mega load.
Tastes like perfection.
(WHIMPERING)
lam a man!
(SCREAMS) I am perfected.
I am a man!
I am perfect.
Time to shine.
(SCREAMING, GRUNTING)
This is the real you.
No!
(YELLING)
Frankenstein!
You're fucking cheating,
I swear to God.
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS) Still didn't get me down yet!
(LAUGHING)
lam not a sissy!
You like it rough, big boy?
I was born
to replace you!
(GRUNTING)
Tell me I'm beautiful!
(GRUNTS)
I wanted to kill
you on the road,
but this'll have to do.
Now, that was sexy.
How you doing?
My arm's busted.
It's cold out here.
Wanna go up to the room?
And wait for somebody
to try to kill me again?
I think I'm
better off on the move.
I can't leave the Resistance.
The Resistance
is full of shit.
I don't know how they got you
in the first place.
That's... Okay,
how can I put this in a way
that you can understand?
That is my race.
That's my finish line.
I understand.
The world is screwed up.
Okay, so, join us.
No, because people have stopped
working, people have stopped fighting.
There's no way anybody is going
to fight for each other.
So, you might as well
wipe the slate clean,
leave the planet to the
cockroaches and the cats.
I still have faith.
Tammy the Terrorist has faith.
Don't ruin the moment,
come on.
What is this?
Now I'm really on your team.
And I don't like slackers,
so, get to work.
Hey, beautiful,
get a move on.
I'm going from blue chip
to junk bond here.
Oh, it's been such
a stressful day, I mean...
(SIGHS) Frankenstein, the Resistance,
I've got so many people to fuck with!
Ooh!
What about fucking with this?
Oh, my God,
you are a beast.
God, how could those fruitcakes
ever believe I could fire you?
Because they're gullible.
Yeah.
And they're all working
for Mr. Chairman now.
Oh, you can
say that again, Mama.
And you wait until tomorrow. Frankenstein
and the Resistance destroyed...
BOTH: In the greatest
VR spectacular
since the dawn of time!
God!
Baby
Am I horny.
(CROWD CHEERING)
A big day! A really big day!
Probably the biggest day
of your entire life!
Day three of the most
dramatic, the most...
(RADIO STATIC)
Oh, this just in.
Due to Resistance activity, the
rules of the race have changed!
All drivers must stay on approved
routes to get government protection.
If they wander off
the highways,
the Corporations cannot
guarantee their safety.
O-M-Triple-G.
This is cool stuff!
I'm here with my bon ami,
Jed Perfectus.
How are you feeling today?
Splendid.
And rugged.
What's this?
It's called paper.
Look at it later.
Just wanted you to know
that I really appreciate
having both of you
as my competition
and I wish you
guys both the best.
Thanks, Minerva,
wish you the best, too.
Drive good.
Cool.
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD GASPING)
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
ABE: Systems failing.
Approaching white light.
Fear!
(ALARM BEEPING)
initiating
bucket list protocol.
You Okay?
You know we're in the middle of
nowhere and we're behind on points.
The only thing we can do
is beat Jed by time.
Can we do that?
It's our only chance,
there's not a pedestrian
within 100 miles of here.
(ALL SHOUTING)
What the hell are they doing?
They're fans.
Get out of the way!
It's supposed to be a contest!
They're just
trying to help.
Well, maybe they
should help themselves.
What's that supposed to mean?
What was... All right.
(PEOPLE GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
Crazy bitch won't let up!
Ain't that right, Chi Wapp?
(GRUNTS) Fuck this!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
I'm not gonna win
this race anyway.
And I said I have to
see this thing through.
I might as well teach
this idiot a lesson.
(CHUCKLES)
Right here, baby.
What god is gonna
save your ass now, bitch?
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
It is time to meet our maker,
Grogg! Let's go!
Unbeliever!
What the...
You will perish!
Geez, Louise.
Shift. The shift!
Suck on that! Suck on that!
You'll have to
get better at that.
Good.
I got this.
What was that?
You are!
What?
What?
What are you doing?
Stop with the blah-blah-blah of your
stupid face thing and trust me!
But the Resistance,
this isn't a protected road.
Trust it!
Is this about that
Cline Dion show?
She's like 200 years old.
I'm on a whole nother level!
I have access to ideas
you can't possibly understand.
I got your ass now, baby!
(LAUGHS)
This is all your fault!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, shit!
No!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, fuck.
Motherfucking cheap ass,
terrorist ass...
(LAUGHING)
(COUGHING)
Killing your own
people ass, goddamn.
I don't like you.
Yeah, I know, all right.
Well, you don't deserve it,
but by St. James Dean,
the light of Ziggy Stardust and
the darkness of the Holy Womb,
you have one last chance to repent
your agnostic taint before you...
(LAUGHING)
I just looked at your face!
I tried. (LAUGHING)
I think I peed a little!
I see God.
What?
I see God.
And she's black as fuck!
Well...
(SCREAMING)
(CRYING)
Not fair, not fair.
ABE: I know.
(ALARM BEEPING)
Too bad. (LAUGHING)
No one crosses that
finish line. No one!
What about Annie, ma'am?
She has failed her mission.
If she dies now, let her
be a martyr of the cause.
Liberty!
ALL: Liberty!
Equality!
ALL: Equality!
Brutality!
ALL: Yeah!
(ALL CHANTING INDISTINCTLY)
It's too easy.
(ENGINES REVVING)
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
Well, it looks like
we've hit rush hour.
I don't understand, we stayed
on all the approved roads.
Where's all
the corporate security?
It's all a setup.
(HEADSET BEEPING)
No, come on!
They cut my feed.
Who cares?
CHAIRMAN:
Well, actually, I care.
The Death Race is my baby.
So, you did this?
Well, duh! What can I say, old
boy, the country needs a new hero.
Quite frankly, Frankie,
you've grown a little stale.
So, do me a favor, die with
style for the home viewers.
And by the way, just for the record,
my hair, I think it's pretty cool.
Ciao.
It's not too late,
you can ditch.
You can always say
that I kidnapped you.
I am seeing this
through to the end.
Oh, damn!
(SCREAMS)
Whoa! (LAUGHS)
Get them!
Are you ready?
Let's score these fuckers.
Shift.
Follow him!
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING, GROANS)
I think that was Carlos!
Oh, I kind of liked Carlos.
(SCREAMING, GRUNTING)
Annie Sullivan,
you traitorous little whore!
Look who's talking, bitch!
(ANNIE SCREAMING)
Shit, shit, shit!
Now this is a suicide move!
Balls.
Oh, shit!
(GRUNTS)
JB: Well, that's it, folks.
We are making history today
as Jed Perfectus is a few
miles from the finish line!
Some will say Jed
got a lucky break
when his main rival
was attacked by an army
of bloodthirsty
revolutionaries.
Well, I say tough titties.
(LAUGHS) It's out with the
old and in with the new,
as America
welcomes its newest,
and least likely to procreate,
champion!
I'm gonna win! Holy Jesus.
(CHEERING)
Will you look at that, Eve!
Are you gonna score them?
Shut up!
Let me enjoy this!
I don't know, Jed, it could be another
case of premature celebration.
No,no,no,no,no!
Frankenstein is doomed!
I know that for a fact!
ANNIE: What are you doing?
Neither of us knows what's waiting
over that finishing line.
Well, it's definitely a violent
death, but we're not stopping now.
This race is fixed
and so was your Resistance.
I don't want to see
you get hurt, Annie.
So, you think we
can just drive away?
There's an island off the
coast that's made of garbage,
it's called Garbantis.
I can't do that.
Can you give me
a reason why not?
Because I can't imagine
spending the rest of my life
with a man who finished
second to Jed Perfectus.
And besides, the winner
gets to meet The Chairman.
Oh! Yes,
oh, God, that is disgusting.
You are awful,
awful, awful ugly people.
Oh, what the shit!
Holy moly, mack-a-roly, race fans!
Can it be? (GASPS)
Another miraculous recovery
for Frankenstein?
Why won't you die?
Take the wheel!
(SCREAMING)
Here's Johnny!
(GRUNTING)
What is wrong with you?
(GRUNTING)
Eve! You're a terrible driver!
(GRUNTING)
Hold on!
Move! Move!
(YELLING)
(GASPS)
I am Perfectus!
I am perfection!
Not really.
Isn't he headed
straight for the studio?
Well, it looks like 60 points
for Jed and we are signing off.
(GRACE SCREAMING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Are you sure you
want this revolution?
I just wanna win.
You are so dead.
The truth is,
I've lost track of my score,
my time, my position.
Maybe Jed is winning the race,
even though he's dead.
Now, we could run down
those people over there,
that would be 50 points.
Or how about those
people over there?
That would be
another 50 points.
But what about
that man over there?
He must be worth at
least 1,000 points.
(CHUCKLES)
1,000 points.
You wanna do it?
You wanna feel the power?
Yes.
Yes, I would.
Come on,
let's give it a try.
1,000 points!
1,000 points,
1,000 points.
ALL: (CHANTING)
1,000 points, 1,000 points.
1,000 points,
1,000 points, 1,000 points.
1,000 points?
I've seen enough.
1,000 points,
1,000 points, 1,000 points.
1,000 points, 1,000 points.
1,000 points.
Enough!
CROWD: (CHANTING)
1,000 points! 1,000 points!
What are you talking about?
Shut up! I'm Chairman!
CROWD: (CHANTING)
1,000 points,
1,000 points, 1,000 points.
Huh?
ALL: (CHANTING) 1,000 points,
1,000 points, 1,000 points.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(GASPING)
Motherfucker!
(LOUD THUD)
lam the freaking
ruler of the universe!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
I want more.
You don't need The Chairman,
you don't need Frankenstein,
you have the power!
Make the reality
of your own race!
Now, get UP!
Turn off those headsets
and get into those cars.
And may the best driver win.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(CROWD CLAMORING)
(SCREAMS)
You guys are all toast!
Well, it's a start.
Or the end of civilization as we know it.
(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)
They'll sort it out.
(CHUCKLES)
So, what happens to us?
Well, somebody needs to re-populate.
Hmm...