DiGiovanni.
(applause, cheering, whistling)
DEBRA: Hi, everybody.
Well, good evening, everyone.
Oh. Hi, everybody.
Oh, you look fantastic,
everyone.
Of course I'm already drunk, but
still, you look good, everybody.
So, it's lovely to be here.
Thank you for giving me plans.
Seriously, this is exciting to
be out in the evening.
Oh, you gave me a reason to get
out of my pajamas.
Good work, everybody.
Thank you.
Actually, these are my pajamas.
Who am I kidding?
I'll sleep in this.
I really will.
Um, it's but it's nice.
I just flew in a couple days
ago.
I'm a good flyer.
Doesn't bother me.
I'm not scared to fly, nothing.
But this happens every once in a
while.
You know, when you're on a
flight?
They shut the door, no one else
is getting on, and you realize
there's an empty seat in your
row.
(shuddering gasp)
That's the best moment in the
world.
Are you kidding me?
Empty seat... that's like first
class for white trash.
Do you know what I'm saying,
gang?
Oh, my God, empty seat.
So exciting, all right?
This is what happened to me on
the way down.
I'm sitting at the window.
There was a gentleman beside me,
and here's the thing.
The empty seat is the aisle
seat, okay?
So I give him the celebration
elbow.
I give him one these.
I'm, like, "Right on, yeah."
I'm excited.
I expect him to celebrate with
me, but he looks at me in the
face, and he's, like, "Actually,
I prefer the middle seat."
And I was, like, "What? What did
you just say? I'm sorry..."
Did you just tell me you're an
asshole?
Is that what you said?
Because your accent is very
strong.
What?! Are you kid...?
You prefer the middle seat?
Let me tell you, I ruined his
flight; I ruined his flight.
Are you kidding?
He was trying to sleep.
I kept touching his face.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm all...
(laughter)
He woke up with a different part
in his hair.
That'll teach him.
That'll teach him!
It's your job, everyone, to
teach people manners.
Um, also, I have to fly quite a
bit, and this happens.
This happens.
Have you ever had to be on one
of those little, tiny, small
planes?
One of those little passenger
planes when there's only, like,
seven people on the plane?
I had to take one a little while
ago, and the airline that I was
flying on was called Bearskin
Airlines, which, at first, I was
like, "Oh, sexy."
Uh, but it's not.
It's not sexy.
I thought it was gonna be big,
shirtless, hairy guys bringing
me drinks.
No. Just terrifying. That's it.
And there's something you need
to remember in your travels,
everybody.
If you ever get onto the stairs
of your aircraft, and the whole
fuckin' plane moves... no, not a
good idea.
Yeah. I'm serious.
I got on the stairs, and the
plane... it tipped on me.
I'm, like... (humming)
(screaming)
The whole plane.
Seriously. I had to get someone
to put their foot down so I
could get on it.
"Hold it.
Hold the plane."
And then I got on.
Scary stuff, everyone.
And the worst part about this,
all right, is that six people on
the plane, but there's another
woman about my size about to
board the plane, all right?
I panicked. I panicked.
You've had that moment, waiting
for an elevator, haven't you?
Yeah, two women my size show up
for the same elevator, and you
start to do math in your head.
I know you do it.
I know you do it.
I know you do it!
You're, like, "2,500. Oh, my!"
(laughter)
"Carry the two! Carry the two!"
It's scary.
It's a scary moment.
And that happens to me.
That's like an elevator
shootout.
Do you know what I mean?
It was, like, "All right,
sister, only one of us is going
up... who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?"
And then I punch her in the
neck, and then I run.
That's what I do, everybody.
I'm lying. I don't run.
Anyway, um, what I do...
I do...
I'm from the East Coast, so I
love it when you have a big time
zone change.
You know what I mean?
Got the big space.
Oh, it makes me feel so
exciting.
You know, you feel like when you
have a big time zone, no one
knows who you are.
Sometimes I'm a different
person.
I pretend that I'm a different
person.
So the last time I came out to
the West Coast, I was, like,
"Nobody knows me here.
I'm gonna be a totally different
Debra."
So I decided that I would flirt
with guys.
'Cause you know what?
I think I should give it a
chance.
I'm in my late 30's.
This is the chance.
Go for it, Debra.
Try talking to men.
You can do it, all right?
Wrong. I can't do it.
So what happens is this.
I start to flirt with the first,
like, stationary man that I saw.
I was, like, "Oh, you're not
moving.
You're my type. Hello."
Seriously. No, seriously.
Or I think I flirted.
I'm not totally sure what I did,
to be honest.
You know, I tried.
I smiled, I tossed my hair a
couple times, and then, I think
I punched him.
I don't remember what happened.
I panicked...
You know, I blacked out for a
while.
Uh, but then I came to in my
hotel room, so I thought, "Wow,
that must have went well."
That must have gone well,
everybody. I'm here.
But here's the thing.
On a long flight... like, five
hour, six hour flight... and
it's...
I'm a human being, all right?
So, I have to use the bathroom.
Human, all right?
Uh, now the next part of the
story... not my fault.
All right, the toilet
overflowed, all right.
Now this is not...
This is not my fault, because I
am a delicate rose, all right?
That is clearly a faulty
toilet, all right?
So, I've been in the room for 90
seconds maybe, and then I have
to phone down to the front desk.
I'm, like, "Hi. I overflowed the
toilet."
Even the girl on the phone was,
like, "What the fuck?!
You've been there for five
seconds."
I was, like, "All right, I know.
Just send someone, all right?"
So in my mind, they're gonna
send, like, maintenance, or,
like, housekeeping or something.
But, no, at this hotel, they
send the cute guy from the front
desk that I was trying to flirt
with.
That is who they sent.
(laughter)
That's who they sent to plunge
my business.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Yeah. And not in the sexy way
that I had planned, either.
I'm gonna tell you...
Changed the weekend, I'll tell
you that.
Not good, everybody.
But then, I'm out here, and so I
have some... couple friends, and
they're, like, "Don't worry.
We'll make this better, Debra.
Don't worry.
So, um, uh, they said, "We'll
take you out after."
I'm, "Great."
I got out, we have a nice
evening, and then, one of my
friends... because, you know,
West Coast... they have medicinal
marijuana, all right, so...
'Cause you know, he's very sick,
my friend, so he...
(laughter)
He's very sick.
So, we go out together, and you
know, he rolls his joint.
All right, he rolls this little
tiny, like a little pinner, like
a skinny one.
And I had that moment where I
was, like, "Really?
This is what you brought?
I'm a guest. A little rude."
Anyway, I'm just saying.
This is it. Whatever.
But he doesn't tell me that it's
medicinal marijuana, okay?
So we smoke this joint.
I'm telling you, I had, like,
one drag off of it, and I was so
high that I had to spend the
rest of my night in my hotel
room, convincing myself I wasn't
gonna die.
Do you know what I mean?
"Your heart's not gonna explode.
You're not melting.
You're not melting!"
This is what...
And the problem is, I overflowed
the toilet again.
Damn it! Again, I know.
(laughter)
Which is what, really, I
consider the second date.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I was, like, "You're back!
Hi, there!"
Yeah, I can't go back to that
hotel.
Anyway... I can't.
Um, here's something.
This is... It's a terrifying
moment.
I'm getting a little older.
It happens to all of us,
everyone.
But the things that they don't
tell you is that you start
turning into your parents, and
it's a scary, scary moment.
Like, this is something, all
right?
Now as... I'm old, all right?
Now, when it rains, I don't
carry an umbrella anymore.
Now I use one of those little
plastic rain bonnets that your
mom used to wear.
Do you remember those?
'Cause my mom...
My mom would wear that.
You think it would look... no,
she didn't want to get her perm
wet.
That was my mom's problem.
I'm, like, "Yeah, 'cause that
would look stupid, a wet perm.
That would look foolish, Mom.
But a plastic bag on your head...
fuckin' fantastic.
Good work, old woman.
I like your style, old woman."
Are you kidding?
And this is another thing.
I didn't know this was gonna
happen.
Suddenly, I'm a techno phobe.
Oh, God. I...
Too much technology now.
I got your basics in technology.
But the iPhone and all the
applications.
You know what I mean?
The kids with their apps.
'Cause they don't say
application, 'cause that's a big
word with syllables and stuff.
Too much for the kids.
So they say, "app," you know?
But I'm of the age that "app"
used to be short for appetizer.
Do you remember that?
(laughter)
Those were better days.
Those were better days,
everybody.
Are you kidding me?
Someone's like, "Have you tried
the new app?"
I'm, like, "Oh, fuck, I hope it
has bacon.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God."
(laughter)
Please... Are you kidding?
And I do...
One of my favorite things is, I
love... I love the texting, you
know, the auto correct and
stuff.
I think that's a lot of fun.
You know when your texting
something and you think you're
sending a message, and then when
actually send it, it was totally
messed up?
I had this...
This happened to me.
A couple weeks ago...
I live in a little apartment
building, and one of my sinks
got clogged, all right?
And there's a dude down my
hall... one of my neighbors... is
the best neighbor in the world.
He's an electrician, he's a
carpenter, he's a plumber, he's
a drug dealer... he's perfect.
Do you understand what I'm
saying?
Best guy ever, all right?
So I go and I text him.
And what I thought I sent was,
"Hey. Hey, Jack.
My sink is clogged."
What I actually sent was, "Hey,
Jack, my dink is clogged."
That's what I sent him.
(laughter)
He did not respond.
He did not respond.
And I think he moved out.
But anyway, that's it.
I don't need him.
And another.
This is something else that I...
You know, you don't know this
about me.
How would you?
You don't know me.
I have a twin sister, but she's
not under my shirt right now.
Fuck you, people.
Seriously, grow up. Grow up.
We separated a while ago.
But... I...
And you know, my...
We're friends. We're friends.
We're very different, though,
my sister and I.
We're not identical.
We're fraternal.
And she's...
We're really different.
Like, she's winning.
My mom and dad like her way
better than me, and it's
because...
There's a lot of reasons.
She's good.
You know, she's thin.
Uh, she's married.
She loves Jesus.
And I love Jesus, too.
I love Jesus, too.
Except, you know, sexually.
Um, I do. Oh, God.
So, don't kid yourself.
Jesus is hot.
Are you joking me?
Long hair and a beard?
Oh, my God.
Barefoot? Oh, fuck.
Are you kidding?
Give him a skateboard... he's
fucking perfect.
Do you understand what I'm
saying?
Jesus.
And you can laugh at that,
'cause he's not here.
You can laugh, everyone.
It's okay. It's okay.
Is it too soon for Jesus jokes?
Is it too soon? All right.
2,000 years not enough?
Okay, I'll give it another
month.
Anyway, whatever.
Whatever, you know?
Well, this is the thing.
My sister... okay, she keeps
having babies.
All right, she's got a bunch of
babies.
I've lost count. I don't know.
And she just had a new, fresh
baby, all right?
A little girl.
And she had her, like, November.
Had a little, tiny baby girl.
Has the baby, gives birth, looks
down at this baby and decides to
name her Beatrice Gwendolyn.
That's a big name for a baby,
isn't it?
Beatrice Gwendolyn?
I'm, like, really?
She was born at eight pounds,
nine ounces, and 97 years old.
97 years...
I... Poor...
I'm, like, "Are the other Golden
Girls coming?"
What's happening here?
Are you joking? Please.
Now even though I mock her quite
a bit, we're still friends.
And I usually try to, um...
For our birthday, we get
together, and we have, like, a
little celebration.
And I always try to make like,
uh, like some sort of goal for
myself during the year.
Like, some things that I need to
do.
This year I've decided I need a
hobby.
Do you have hobbies?
Does anyone have a hobby?
Except for sitting and staring,
do you have a fuckin' hobby?
Seriously.
(laughter)
Hours. Hours of that.
Are you joking?
And I... What I do, though...
I do, um... I enjoy...
I enjoy panicking.
Uh, I enjoy worrying.
Quite a bit.
I'm one of those people that
when I get something in my head,
I can't let it go.
I can't let it go.
Like, a couple months ago, one
of my eyes was twitching, and it
twitched, like, all day long.
24/7, just twitched, twitched,
twitched.
Panicked. I started...
I Googled it clearly.
I was, like, "Oh, it's eye
cancer.
Oh, my God."
I'm panicking.
Do you know what I mean?
I made an eye patch that I wore
at my house, you know, out of,
you know, paper towel and
masking tape.
I wore it around my house, you
know.
My friends were, like, "Just go
to the doctor, Debra, just
please."
So I go to the ophthalmologist.
All right, that's what it is.
I looked it up.
So I go to this doctor, all
right, and I go in.
I pay, like, $85, and all she
says to me is, "You're tired and
kind of weird.
Could you leave my office?"
That's about...
Now here's the thing.
I should tell you this, though.
Don't go to the eye doctor high.
Don't go stoned to the eye
doctor.
Bad idea.
I was scared, so I had that
moment.
I was, like, "Should I smoke
this fatty before I go?
Yes, I should!"
And then here's the thing,
everyone.
I don't know if you know this,
but the eye doctor... they spend
the entire appointment looking
into your eyes.
Are you aware of that?
The whole time.
She was asking me questions I
couldn't answer.
Do you know?
She's, like, "Are you aware that
only have pupil?
There's no iris at all."
I'm, like, "Is that a problem,
Officer?
I...
What? I..."
She was... She wanted me to read
the eye chart.
She's, like, "Can you see the
E?"
And I'm, like, "Look it.
I'm not on E. What the fuck!"
And then I left. I...
I danced out of that office, but
you know, I had to go 'cause
there were spiders on me.
You know how it is.
Um, so that's one thing...
I need a hobby.
I couple other things, too.
This is a big one, you know.
I've decided...
You know, as I get older, I've
decided that I need to start
sexually fantasizing within my
own age group.
Do you know what I mean?
I got to take it up a couple
years.
Just a couple years.
Seriously, no more Hanson and
Harry Potter.
I have to let it go.
(laughter, light applause)
Is that just me?
Seriously, Harry Potter?
No one else? Come on!
Are you kidding? Harry Potter?
Whoa. He could potter my Harry.
Uh... Oh!
I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that means.
I just...
It sounds like fun.
Oh.
(laughter)
But it's trouble.
I'm gonna tell you this.
Like, I... There's this term.
Have you heard of this?
Cougar? Do you know what a
cougar is?
(audience whooping)
Yeah! All right!
And I'll see you after the show.
Um...
(laughter)
I can't, I want to be a cougar.
Like, I can't wait to be a
cougar.
I'm, like, how old do you have
to be to be a cougar?
Is there a test that I have to
take to become a cougar?
'Cause if there is a cougar
test, I hope there's no running.
Jesus Christ, I fucking...
(laughter)
If I show up for my cougar test,
and there's, like, an obstacle
course, I'm done.
That's it. I'm out.
Tell the world my story.
Go on without me.
Thank you very much.
It's too much.
And I said that once on a show.
I was, like, "I want to be a
cougar."
And then there was a cougar in
the crowd, all right?
A woman, not an animal.
Um, but she was wearing
leopard print.
Not the point of the story.
The thing is, she screams out
to me.
She's like, "Hey, Debra, you're
doing it wrong, Debra.
You don't chase the young men,
you trap them," that's what
she said.
And I'm like, "That's a weird
thing to say."
Isn't that the strangest thing?
But then I thought about it.
I went back to my hotel room and
I was like, what would a cougar
trap look like, you know what
I mean? What would that...?
So I got a little piece of paper
and a pen and stuff; started
making some sketches, you know
what I mean?
And I got a protractor out of my
purse.
I don't know why I had it in
my purse, I really don't.
Normally I use it for stabbing.
Today, circles, boom, this is
it, yeah.
And I started thinking, I think
what if I like, what if I dug a
hole... like a deep, big, wide
hole, you know what I mean, and
then I covered it up with leaves
and branches and stuff.
Some foliage, you know what I
mean, to disguise it.
Used a skateboard as a lure.
Put a little Pizza Pop on the
end or something... (screams)
See what I get... yeah!
A little baseball cap goes up...
I'm like, "I got one!"
Ah! Yeah!
But that's not going to happen,
'cause I don't fuckin' shovel.
I don't shovel, are you kidding?
Effort... no thank you.
But here's something.
Now this is, I got to tell you,
this is my favorite cougar
story.
I'm not proud, but I'm going to
tell it to you, all right?
I work on a show in Canada,
where I'm from, a music show,
all right?
And every year they have, like,
this big video awards party,
okay?
And I go this past summer, and I
am, you know, standing in the
hall, at the party, just up
against the wall shivering, you
know, waiting for shrimp...
that's what I do.
A lot of fun.
And Justin Bieber is there, he's
at the party.
And so all of his people come
out and they're like, "Clear
the hall."
You know, Bieber's coming,
"Clear the hall."
I don't move, 'cause I'm like,
"You know what, Bieber, go
around, man, go around," all
right?
Whatever, all right?
So he comes out, he comes out,
walks past me.
We make eye contact and I give
him one of these, I'm like this.
Hmm, whatever.
But then he stops, okay?
Turns around, comes back, leans
in and says, "Hey, Debra..."
That's my name by the way...
Debra.
Justin... Justin Bieber knows my
name.
Leans in and says, "Hey, Debra,
I love you on that show," okay?
He's 16, I'm 39.
This is my answer.
(hysterical laughter)
Yeah, yeah, they dragged me out
of the party.
They dragged me out of the
party.
That's okay, 'cause my purse was
full of shrimp, so I was ready
to go.
I was ready to go.
Okay, so another one of the
decisions I've decided to make
in my life... one of the changes
I've decided to make, is that
this is the year I'm getting
into shape.
Seriously.
Or soon. Not yet, but soon.
I'm working, I'm working
towards...
And you know, honestly, there's
a lot of reasons for getting
into shape.
Like, seriously, I don't think
you should just stand and sweat.
I'm pretty sure... I think this
might be wrong.
Is there a doctor in the house?
That can't be right, everybody.
But a lot of reasons.
You see, 'cause honestly I can't
compete with the girls.
In, like, summertime, I stay
home in the summer, that is it.
Thin girls, you get the summer,
that's yours.
Live it up for four months, have
fun, all right?
'Cause I see you out there in
your little tops, your little
half shirts, I get it.
Go out there, get out there,
metabolize or whatever it is
you do.
I'm not a scientist.
But go, I love it, I see you.
See, I wait until, like, the
winter.
You know, the minute it gets
cold, I make my move, that's
what I do.
Put a little cardigan on, boom,
I'm out the door, do you
understand what I'm saying?
And this is it, I get it.
Because at that point, when it
gets cold, the thin girls, you
know, you got to put your shirts
back on.
And then what are you going
to do?
Talk?
Um, anyway...
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
Okay, I should have told you,
I'm a bit biased.
I should have mentioned off the
top...
I do have a disclaimer for my
show that I should have
mentioned.
The fact that I'm a big woman,
has not affected my ability to
judge other people.
It hasn't at all, at all!
Let's judge, let's judge,
shall we?
But, no, actually, to be honest
with you, I did lose a little
bit of weight recently.
But then I found it again.
What the fuck, seriously?
It was in the fridge.
Who puts it there?
Every time I...
Son of a bitch!
There it is... Oh!
I live alone, I don't know how
that happens.
But the one thing... you know,
you always have one of those
moments, like a moment of
clarity where you realize
no, this is it, this is it.
Time to get into shape.
I did a show, a corporate show,
all right, a couple months ago.
And I didn't know who the
company was.
I just show up, you know, to do
my business.
And I realize that everyone is
really casual.
They're all, like, in workout
wear... sweatpants and stuff.
I'm like, uh-oh, what's
going on?
So I find out that me, this
woman you see standing before
you, I'm performing for the
people of a fitness club.
Yeah, me.
I had a moment where I was like,
is this an intervention?
Seriously, is this...?
(laughter)
Are my parents here?
Oh, my God, seriously?!
Lovely people, very good people.
They wouldn't give me my check
until I did two laps, but
whatever, that's why...
And they're nice.
They gave me a free membership
to their club, you know what
I mean?
I'm like, that's very nice.
So I go to join up at this
little fitness place.
So I go in and I, I just want to
say hi and look around, you
know, get my little card
and stuff.
But the first thing they do at
this gym is I walk in and they
give me a body fat test, the
first thing they do.
Which is not the greatest way to
greet people, do you know what
I'm saying?
That's not really...
And it's not fair either,
because I didn't get a chance to
study or prepare for my body
fat test... not fair.
But don't worry, everyone, I
still passed.
But this is something you should
know.
50% on a body fat test is not...
not a good score.
That's not a good score.
You know, I was like, oh, I
don't have to rate the exam.
No, everybody.
At 50% body fat, seriously, I
think that makes me cream.
I think that technically makes
me cream, doesn't it?
I'm dying alone, but I'm
delicious with coffee.
Shut your face.
Seriously? Seriously?
Yeah, just looking for my
Coffee-mate.
(laughter)
I'm so lonely.
Anyway...
back to happy.
No, God bless.
No, this one, they also, they
gave me a personal trainer.
I had to carry her around, it
was so strange.
Fabulous little human person.
And she's very small... like this
little, tiny thing there.
And she's screaming at me all
the time.
I'm, like, really?
I could kill you with one hand,
little girl.
Keep talking... So small.
Like, there are those moments
sometimes, and I look at her and
I think, "How are we the same
species," do you know what I
mean?
We're both girls.
I have no idea how her body
works, I have no idea.
Her hips are that wide.
Do you see this over there?
And I know this for sure,
because I measured her.
You know, she was too weak to
get away.
So hungry, poor thing.
She kept trying.
I kept pulling her back.
It was fun.
But this is my question for the
world and Earth and science.
If your hips are this narrow,
how do you have internal organs?
Seriously, what is going on
inside your body?
Are they stacked up like
pancakes?
What is happening in there?
Oh, pancakes.
(laughter)
Um, okay, no.
Now is the time for focus.
Pancakes later.
But anyway... now this-this
little girl, she sends me to my
doctor because, I don't know if
you guys have heard of this
before, but there's this new way
to lose weight.
It's called eating less and
exercising.
Have you heard about that?
Huh? Sounds like bullshit
to me, it really does.
I need more proof, you know.
So I go in to this doctor, and
God bless, I've known my doctor
forever, all right?
Like, I've been her patient for
15 years.
So we're pretty comfortable now.
I can ask her anything,
you know?
And every year she wants to talk
about the weight loss, and she's
trying to keep me motivated, God
bless.
She says to me, "Debra, you know
what you need?
You need, like, a mantra that
you tell yourself."
So she says to me, "Live like
you're dying tomorrow."
Now that's a beautiful
sentiment... live like there's
one day left on Earth... it's
beautiful.
But you can't say that to a big
woman on a diet.
Do you understand what I'm
saying?
(laughter)
Because if I am dying tomorrow,
who give a fuck about tonight?
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?
Really?
(applause)
If I am dying tomorrow, tonight
it's going to be KFC skin
with icing.
Shut up, shut up.
Everything with icing,
everything.
Have you tried it... Kentucky
frosted chicken?
It is delicious.
Have you tried it?
That is also my idea.
Call me if you see that on the
menu.
But anyway, still, all right?
Another thing... my doctor's
trying to give me, um, good ways
to lose weight.
She tells me I should eat
organically, all right?
So I go home... I don't know
what that means.
So I go home and I look it up, I
Google that.
And then when I was on line, I
found a way better way to lose
weight, okay?
I did.
So now I'm just crossing my
fingers and, like, hoping that I
could get, like, a parasite.
Are you kidding?
Like, a tapeworm? Shut up!
Oh, my God, it's like a
metabolism buddy.
Are you kidding me?
Seriously, you just sit there,
they do all the work.
I'm not joking.
My friend, I have a friend who's
a nurse, and she went to Africa
to do some nursing.
When she was in Africa, she
got a parasite.
And now she can eat whatever
she wants.
Like, whatever she wants, okay?
Okay, she's gone now, but fuck,
she looked good.
Uh, no, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I don't hang out with fit girls.
Anyway... What?
Now another one, too.
I've also done all the
stupid diets.
I'm that jerk.
You know, you hear the things on
the radio, that they're like,
"Lose 30 pounds in 20 minutes."
So, I'm, like, "That
sounds safe."
What's that?" I'm a jerk.
I'm a jerk, all right?
The last diet I did was
the cabbage soup diet.
Has anyone done that before?
Oh! Okay, this is the diet they
give you before you're gonna
have surgery, all right?
So the hospital, all you eat is
cabbage soup.
Now I don't know if you know
what just eating cabbage does
to your intestinal system.
(chuckles) Here's the thing,
all right?
I'm serious. You lose a lot
of weight, but you also lose
all your fucking friends.
Do you understand what
I'm saying?
Seriously, they're, like, "You
look good, Debra, from
far... farther!"
I'm serious.
It is, it is trouble.
Like, I'm not joking.
My stomach would make noises
in the middle of the night
that I didn't know was
humanly possible.
I had no idea.
I'm, like, "Is that my stomach
or is a raccoon killing my cat
in the hall?"
What? You know?
I'm not getting up,
I'm not getting up.
Seriously, fight for mama.
Fuck cats, seriously.
He's had it good.
"Earn your rent" is what
I'm saying to the cat.
God bless.
So, you know, fine.
So my doctor, again,
trying to be helpful.
And now she's doing my, uh,
the physical, right?
So I had the physical
appointment, fantastic.
She's writing stuff on my chart.
And I want to know what she's
writing down.
I'm very inquisitive.
So, I'm, like, "What do you
got there?"
She says to me, "Well, Debra,
there's something you should
know at your age.
Your uterus, Debra, has a very
long neck."
That's what she said to me.
And I was, like, "Well,
(chuckles) thank you
for noticing.
My uterus has a long neck? What?
And then she wrote me a
prescription, you know,
for black guys.
So I was, like, "Okay..."
Now look... Hey!
That is doctor's orders.
That is doctor's orders,
everybody!
I'm just trying to be healthy.
Are you kidding me?
So I'm gonna need to see
a Jamal after the show or, like,
a Dexter... yep, serious.
I haven't had my dose for the
day, so we're gonna have to...
I'm supposed to take it
with food, so let's get pizza.
That's the message.
That's the message.
Oh, yeah, you're drunk.
You're drunk.
And that's how I like it.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm swearin' to God.
I swear to God.
Just enough so they can't get
away, do you know what I mean?
Just enough is what I'm saying.
God bless. God bless.
I will tell you this.
It's very hard, it's really hard
to shop, you know what I mean?
Like, this is one of the
problems about being my size.
It's hard to shop, you know
what I mean?
I'm looking around.
You're a good-looking crowd.
Don't know if you know this,
but all clothing for big women...
I don't know if you know this...
for some reason is decorated
with balloons and puppies.
Do you see what I'm saying?
That's your punishment for
eating ice cream, do you
see that?
They're, like, "Yeah, have fun.
You can live in 1987
every day.
Have fun!" It's a little mean.
And there's a lot of bedazzling
going on.
There's a lot of sequins in
my stores.
I'm, like, "Really?
Do you think I need sequins?
You can't see me coming?
Seriously?" Fuck, come on!
Come on, everybody!
I'm overweight, I'm not a
country singer.
Calm down. What the fuck?
Seriously, it's creepy.
And I got to tell you, too,
this is another one.
Um, the lingerie, oh, God.
And you always hear that
women always want to have
bigger boobs.
Okay, seriously, girls?
Stick with the little tiny bras
that you get to wear, honestly.
Right? It's, like, what are
they made of, Kleenex?
You wear 'em once,
throw 'em away?
Do you know what I mean?
Honestly, I'm telling you at my
size, my bras, at this point,
are pretty much vests of beige
metal at this point.
Do you understand?
Serious, it's a contraption.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It takes two people to get it
on, which is awkward 'cause I
live alone, so that's weird.
That's weird.
Although it's a nice way to meet
the neighbors, I'll tell you
that much.
"Debra from upstairs."
I have to move.
Um, but it's upsetting.
And then you go into, and you
have to have a bra fitting done,
according to Oprah.
And she doesn't lie.
So I... Have you ever had
a bra fitting?
This is what it is if you
haven't done it before, ladies.
You go into a bra shop, right?
And there's usually a little
European woman waiting for you.
God bless.
And she takes you behind a
curtain, takes your shirt off,
and then she gropes you.
And that's the whole
appointment.
There it is right there.
That's it.
So now I go in every Thursday
around 2:30.
Every Thursday around 2:30.
Unless I have lunch plans.
So I go in, I have this bra
fitting done, right, and the
women tells me that my real bra
size is G42.
Is that a bra or is that
fuckin' bingo?
Which is it? Seriously.
What do I get for four quarters?
It's weird, all right?
G42... I'm, like, "I think I just
sunk your battleship.
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go."
That is strange stuff.
And I also, too, seriously,
at this size, I get weird guys
hitting on me.
I really do. I get weirdos.
I think that weirdos think
they have a chance with me.
And here's my message to the
weirdos: you don't, okay?
You really don't.
I might hate myself, but I
fuckin' hate you more.
Yes, I do, weirdos!
Seriously, sometimes the dudes...
Oh, my God, I had a man come up
to me after a show.
You can't even make this up,
all right?
I'm just standing around
in my business, staring,
you know?
He comes up to me.
He sidled up to me.
I'm pretty sure it was a sidle.
So he comes up to me.
And I see it.
He's been working on a line.
You know, his moment that
he's gonna come up?
Leans into me and says, "So,
I don't have a problem with
big women."
That was his line of seduction.
"I don't have a problem
with big women"?
I'm, like, "Really?
'Cause you're gonna. Yeah, yeah.
I would run if I were you,
little man!"
Are you kidding? Strange stuff.
And I also, too, I get
older men.
But when I say "older," like, I
mean above the age of 85, you
know what I mean?
Those are my men.
Any man that's been in a world
war likes me.
Do you understand?
'Cause those are the old dudes
that look at me and think, "She
would survive a depression."
You know, they come at me.
I'm good stock, I'm good stock.
I'm hardy is what I'm saying.
But I'm gonna make it through
the winter, and you should see
what I can do with a potato.
Uh, I don't know
what that means.
I'll figure that out later.
I don't know what that means.
You made that dirtier than
it needed to be.
All right! But I also get the
European guys.
I get Italian men, too.
Because I'm Italian, and God
bless the Italian men.
They can spot an Italian woman
from a hundred paces.
Am I right? God bless.
And you know, sometimes I'm just
walking down the street minding
my business, and a little
Italian man will come out of his
house, you know, just wearing an
undershirt and pants pulled up
to here.
Back off, ladies, he's mine.
Jealous? But this is my favorite
thing about the old Italian
dudes is they have the most
original way of trying to get
a woman's attention.
You're just walking down the
street, and they give you
one of these... (kissing sound)
Excuse me?
"I'm trying to call you over."
I'm, like, "What?"
The problem is I always go
'cause I think they
have treats.
Damn it! Every time they get me!
Oh! I'm telling you.
But there's also another
group of women, excuse me,
another group of gentlemen that
like big women, right?
It's like a fetish.
Have you ever heard of this?
It's called "chubby chasers."
Have you ever heard about that?
Chubby chasers, seriously?
That is totally wrong.
Please, are you kidding?
'Cause I mean, please,
we don't run.
Anyway, we don't run. Serious.
You bend your knees, I'm yours!
That's it. That's how that works
right there.
I also get the weird ones, too,
that want to take you home and
make you wear a little tiny
cowboy hat and ride a trike.
Do you know what I mean?
I've seen the Web sites,
weirdos.
That's your... Don't look it up.
You'll never sleep again.
Uh, but, I do, I get
the weirdos.
It's not just me, I think.
This is, like, the exact
opposite of what I like is
what likes me, you know?
That's the world, right?
That's just the way it goes.
Like, I have this thing for
thin men.
Oh, my God, thin dudes?
I think there's something about
a guy that looks like he needs
a good meal.
Oh, whoo-hoo-hoo!
Send him over.
I accept the challenge! Yah!
I love it. I love it.
And my friends are always, like,
"What is it with you and
thin guys?"
I realized it. I figured it out.
A thin man, let's be honest,
they are so easy to overcome.
Are you kidding me?
"Kiss me! Ooh!"
They only struggle for
a couple seconds.
Are you kidding me?
And it's cardio if you get
your knees up.
Remember that. It's very nice.
But basically, so I told you I
like guys that look like Jesus
and I like thin guys.
So, basically, a little scruffy,
a little thin.
I'm attracted to homeless men.
I really am. I am.
It's a problem, I'm not
gonna lie to you.
There's always that moment where
I'm, like, "Who is that?
(chuckles) Oh, shit, no shoes.
Keep moving!" (screams)
Although I do love a project,
though.
Are you kidding me?
I love a fixer-upper.
Super fun. Just take him home,
brush his hair.
Ooh! "Later, we're gonna
have a bath!" (squeals)
A hose in the backyard.
A hose in the backyard.
It's fun. Do you see?
And now, I mean, I don't really
need to tell you this:
I'm single.
Really? I'm covered with
cat hair.
You do the math.
Really? Single? But...
It doesn't bother me that
I'm single. I'm very busy.
I have a very full life.
Am I crying? Okay, I'm not.
Anyway, no, I'm good.
But it doesn't bother me.
I'm good.
The only thing that bothers
is my mom, do you know
what I mean?
My mom, my old aunts.
'Cause they just want you
to be safe.
They want you to be happy,
you know?
So I feel like at my age,
you just have to have an
answer, right?
Your stock answer that you
give people.
So you go home, you see
your family.
My aunts are, "Debra, don't you
want to meet somebody?"
So I just look them in the face
and I say, "Hey, have you
tried Nutella?
Have you tried Nutella?
That chocolate hazelnut spread?"
Are you kidding me?
Who needs a boyfriend
when there's Nutella?
Are you joking? Oh, my God!
A jar of Nutella, a loaf of
white bread, box of wine?
Fuck, that's a weekend.
Are you kidding me?
That's a good time.
And I don't want to get you
crazy, but if you put the
Nutella into the microwave
and heat it up, you can
drink it with a straw.
With a straw! No dishes!
That's a, that's a good idea.
You can write that down.
I'm serious. That's nice.
It's nice.
But it's weird, too, because
you know, I used to be
a lot of fun.
As I get older, I've changed
quite a bit, you know?
Like, I'm telling you, I was
wild when I was young.
Like, I had a threesome when I
was in high school.
Okay, actually, it was a couple
making out, and I was guarding
the door.
"Keep going!"
It looked like fun.
It looked like fun.
But the thing is things
really change, you know?
And now I've gotten to the point
now where every one of my
family is, everyone is hooked
up, everyone's married.
My little brother just got
married.
He's the second-last person
in our entire family.
I'll give you a moment to think
who the last person is.
But anyway, but my brother,
I love my brother.
I love his wife. She's awesome.
He married an Asian girl.
And the reason I'm telling you
that is because my mother and
family are small-town
people, okay?
They are not racist... they are
small-town people.
Big difference, all right?
Big diff...
My mother... I don't think she's
ever seen as Asian person
up close, do you understand?
So she panicked a little bit.
She didn't know what to do.
She finds out, she's like,
"She's Asian.
What do we do?"
I'm like, "What do you mean,
Mom?"
She's like, "Do I have to bow?"
I'm like, "No, calm down, Mom.
You're fine, do you know what I
mean?"
She's like, "Should I learn how
to do that or-i-gami?"
I'm like, "Again, a nice idea.
Not necessary," you know.
She's like, "Okay, one more
question.
If they have a baby and it's a
girl, do we have to kill it?"
I'm like, "No. I don't know,
Mom, I don't know."
Look, that's not me.
Call Korea.
I didn't make that up, everyone.
I just pass on the information.
God bless.
But now, I bought it because a
lot of my friends are hooked up.
They come to me a lot of the
times for, you know, like,
advice on the relationship.
And it's very strange, 'cause,
you know, I've been a while,
you know, single.
So, I'm like, all right, you
ask me, I'm gonna tell you,
that's how that works.
So one of my pals, God bless,
she comes to me and she's in a
relationship that is clearly
over, but she's hanging on, you
know what I mean?
Did you ever have one of those
friends?
It's like, it's been three
months.
It's just over, but she won't
let it go, okay?
So she's trying to do all these
things to keep it, you know,
exciting.
She's just hanging on.
So she's telling me, she's like,
"I'm thinking that I'm going to
do, like, a sexy striptease."
I'm like, "Okay, yeah."
Okay, if you're already doing a
striptease at three months,
seriously, that's pretty much
the please-don't-dump-me dance,
isn't it?
Have you done that, ladies?
You're like... (sobbing)
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
Right?
I don't want to be alone.
I'm serious, the things we do to
keep a man.
Oh, my therapist says one day
I'll be ready to talk about it.
This is something about me that
I realized as you get older,
there's, you know, things that
you know.
I'm not... I'm not a great
girlfriend.
I'm an even worse ex-girlfriend.
You know, I am one of those
girls, seriously, there are men
in the town that I'm from, when
they see me, they're like, "Oh,
fuck, there she is."
And they run, they run.
But that's the way I like it, I
gotta tell you.
So if you don't want to be my
boyfriend anymore, you can, uh,
die now, I guess.
Thank you.
We don't need you.
Good-bye.
Right?
And this is another thing, too,
that I know.
I hate to be hung up on.
Do not hang up the phone on me.
Oh, my God.
You hang up the phone, I'm
coming to your house.
That's what happens right there.
You hang up the phone, and now
I'm at your house.
Yeah, with a knife in the middle
of the night, do you understand
what I'm saying?
"I had some things to say.
Do you understand?"
It's not good.
Another thing... I realized this.
This is another one.
This is a note for the men... you
should take this down.
If you want to make a woman
angry, here's something to do.
Tell her to relax.
(laughter)
Are you kidding me?
You tell a woman to take it
easy... holy fuck, are you
joking?
I'm gonna flip a fucking table.
I'm going to lose... (yelling)
I go crazy, right?
Worst thing in the
world to say.
I'd say... you realize this...
and I find this, too... another
thing that I hate... oh!
I hate people that don't hate
people. Don't you...?
(laughter)
Don't you hate those people?
They're like, "I love everyone."
What's wrong? You slow?
What's wrong with you?
Seriously?
Grow up and hate somebody.
Grow up and hate somebody,
Gandhi.
Anyway, seriously?
Another thing... this is a
helpful hint.
Do you hate somebody at the
office?
You have to go to work tomorrow.
Do you hate someone at the
office?
(audience cheering)
Right?
Girls always do.
Girls always do.
If you don't have someone, find
someone to hate at the office.
I'm serious.
It passes time like nothing
else.
Are you kidding me?
You're sitting there at your
desk scratching your back
with a pen.
I don't know what you do.
You're very busy.
But she... that one girl walks by
and you're like, "Look at that
stupid bitch.
Fuck, is it 4:00? Is it 4:00?!
Oh, my God!"
The day is done, do you see what
I'm saying?
Another cup of coffee, photocopy
your ass, you're done.
That's it, everyone.
These are good tips.
These are good tips from me to
you.
Another thing... 'cause I don't
have a day job... you know,
comedy... it's mostly at night.
You know, I'm at home all day
long.
And you always think to
yourself, you know, without a
day job, you're like, I'm going
to get so much done.
I'm going to read the newspaper,
I'm going to keep my house
clean.
But all you really do is get
high and watch television.
That... It's not a rule, but
it is a strongly enforced
guideline.
All right, everybody? All right?
Who am I to argue.
But I do, I watch TV.
Although I do find that I watch
weird stuff now.
Like, I watch a lot of shows
about crime.
Anybody else watch a lot of...?
(cheering)
There's a lot of shows about
murder, right?
It's like there's a lot of shows
about, you know, people killing
each other and doing terrible
stuff.
And then I watch this.
Like, I'll do one of those
marathons of just crime shows.
And then I'm scared to death in
my little apartment by myself,
you know what I mean?
The other day I watched, like,
ten of these episodes.
And then I was so scared, that I
had to sleep with a knife under
my bed, okay?
Actually, it was a fork and
knife... I forgot to put it away.
But the thing is...
(laughter)
...I'm ready, I'm ready if
something happens, you know what
I mean?
I'm ready to go.
I also, too...
I love... sometimes I like
commercials.
There's some commercials that
are pretty good.
Do you know that Axe Cologne?
Do you know that one?
Has anyone smelled that cologne
before?
I assume it's made of, like,
chloroform and Rohypnol.
I'm assuming.
I don't know.
Some of the ads are pretty good,
you know.
There's a new one, a new cologne
brand, all right?
And apparently while you're
wearing it, it changes its
scent... whatever.
And the commercial for this is,
a boy and a girl are on a date,
and the guy during the date,
changes his outfit three times,
okay?
And the copy for the commercial
is this:
"Axe Cologne changes scent
because women bore easily."
That... Does that enrage anybody
else?
Are you kidding me?
Women bore easily?
What the...
That makes me so angr...
Oh, who cares.
(laughter)
I just got bored, you see...?
They're scientists at Axe.
They know me better than I know
myself, do you know what I mean?
I also watch game shows quite
a bit.
I enjoy game shows.
I love watching people win... it
makes me very excited.
But I hate it when they have to
win, like when you win a ski
trip.
I don't want to win a ski trip.
Are you kidding?
That's like winning cold
exercise.
What the fuck is that about?
(laughter)
Seriously?
Or you can do, like, push-ups in
the freezer.
What the fuck?!
I don't want to win that.
No good, all right.
But I do, I also watch a lot of
shows about ghosts.
Do you ever watch any of those
shows?
It's so stupid.
They don't prove anything on
those shows, right?
They're like, "Oh, there's a
ghost in the house."
But all they do is wear those
night-vision goggles, right?
So everything's green.
That's it.
And then, like, one of the guys
goes, "I'm cold."
That's the whole thing.
That's the whole thing.
That proves there's a ghost?
I need more proof than that.
Are you kidding?
That's like when a cop walks in
and says, "I smell pot."
Prove it in court, asshole.
Prove it in court.
You can't prove a smell.
Right? You can't prove a smell,
right, guys?
(laughter)
Okay, just checking, just
checking. Whatever.
I do... sometimes I watch
educational things.
Not much, but sometimes I do,
all right?
And I watch this, you know,
again, one of these shows
about ghosts.
And I saw this one woman was
being interviewed by these ghost
people, and she was saying that,
she claimed, very seriously,
that one night she was alone in
her house, trying to go to bed,
and that a ghost came to her in
her sleep, and she said that
they had sexual relations.
This woman said this.
She said... yeah, she said she
had sex with a ghost.
She said it wasn't upsetting.
She said it was quite nice.
And I was watching this,
thinking to myself, if that is
true, I'm going to go to bed
earlier.
Are you kidding me? I am.
I'm serious.
(applause)
I'm gonna clean it up.
I'm gonna shave my legs, take
out the mouth guard, let's do
this, Casper.
Time to get friendly.
Are you kidding? Please.
Very busy, very busy.
And then sometimes I watch this,
um, I watched this public
service announcement the other
day, with that little Jonas
Brother... that little Nick
Jonas.
Oh, he's totally adorable.
And I was watching...
He has diabetes, I don't know if
you know this.
I know, he's such a survivor.
He's so strong that one.
Ah, God.
So I'm watching... I'm watching
this little public service.
And you know, Nick Jonas is all
like, "Hey, I'm totally cute.
Don't get diabetes."
And that's the whole thing,
right?
And I was watching at home
going, oh, my God, he is cute.
He was so cute that I had a
moment where I was like, I wish
I had diabetes.
And then I thought about it... I
probably do have diabetes, are
you kidding me?
I can't feel my left foot.
I can't feel it.
That can't be right.
But anyway... love this.
Now this is usually at the point
of the show where you all start
looking at me thinking, "This
woman has a cat.
This woman has a cat."
And you'd be right, I do have
a cat.
I don't want to start anything,
but my cat's better than
your cat.
I don't want to start a fight, I
don't want to start a fight, but
it's true.
And, you know, my cat... we've
been together for 16 years.
Shut up.
Best relationship I've ever had.
Are you kidding?
The romance is still very
strong.
Shut up.
But here's the thing about my
cat... you know, this happens
every once in a while.
He loves me so much that he
sometimes he stares at me with
that look of love that's like
almost creepy.
Do you ever...?
Like, if he was a man, I would
be terrified of him, do you know
what I mean?
Like, seriously, you know,
you ever been with a guy that's
like, "I love you so much."
Have you ever been on a date
with a guy and he likes you too
much, so you get your phone
out... you just hit 9-1... and
then just leave it?
Do you ever do that?
(laughter)
You got to be ready.
You got to be ready at all
times, guys.
You know what I mean?
But sometimes, oh, my God, like,
if I'm not, if I don't have a
show on a Saturday night, me and
my cat will have our backup
Saturday night plans, you know?
So I'll make a meal and then
I'll rent a movie for the two of
us.
And then sometimes... sometime
after dinner and the movie,
he'll always like, "Mama, do
you want to get high?"
And I'm like, "Fuck yeah, let's
get high, baby.
All right, whatever."
And sometimes, you know, we'll
smoke a little joint and then
after that he's always like,
"Mama, do you want to have a
snack?"
I'm like, "Fuck, yeah, let's
have a snack. Why not?
Look at us, livin' the dream."
So here's the thing, I don't
know if you know this, but cats
and dogs...
One of my best friends is a
vet, and cats and dogs love
peanut butter, they love peanut
butter.
You give them like like a little
chew toy, put some peanut butter
in it, like a carrot or a
celery, they go crazy.
They're happy for hours, are you
kidding?
But this is my favorite part.
Is that if you give them peanut
butter, then it makes them do
that licking thing that makes
them look like they're talking.
Look at that.
And it's almost like I have a
boyfriend.
Did you see that?
He is a good kisser.
He is a good kisser.
No, he's not.
I can't catch him.
He is too fast, he is too fast.
I try though, I do.
For cardio.
Anyway, uh, but this is another
thing.
My cat sleeps on my bed every
night of my life.
I can't even stop it.
I don't even try, do you know
what I mean?
I just let him in.
But it's changed over the years.
Like at the beginning of our
life together, he used to sleep
at the foot of the bed.
Because, you know, we're just
getting to know each other.
You know, still kind of shy,
right?
Ten years together, he moves up
to, like, hip level.
'Cause now we're good, we're
comfortable.
Now 16 years together, I rolled
over in the middle of the night,
and he was on the pillow, okay?
But not just on the pillow.
His head was on the pillow, and
his body was in the bed.
Ooh, like a man, like a man
beside me, are you kidding?
Spooning me? Are you joking?
Oh-ho-ho. Now I'm just waiting
for him to give me a
reach-around, do you know
what I mean?
I'm, like, "Oh, yeah.
Leg over? Yeah."
So I stopped wearing pajamas.
And, uh... no...
He's soft under his neck.
You don't know.
Um... (chuckles)
You know, I think we all go
through a phase in our life of
having a roommate, right?
I had a roommate for years
and years.
But it's wonderful.
You know, it's nice to live
by yourself.
Everything's yours, and privacy
and stuff.
But the one thing about the
roommate that I miss is when you
have someone coming home,
you can't go totally crazy.
Do you know what I mean?
Someone's coming home, you
gotta be normal, you know?
You hear the keys in the door,
and you're, like, "Oh, shit,
she's home.
Okay, quickly, quickly
be normal.
Hide the puppets!
Oh, God! (Shrieks)
Take the dress off the cat!
Oh, God! You know what I mean?
Hide the fake life-size
papier-mch boyfriend under
the bed quick, quick!
Because we were fighting and
he has got to fuckin' learn.
So that's...
It's okay. He'll be fine.
He'll be fine.
But there's a couple things that
I do now by myself that I do to
try to keep it exciting
at the house.
You gotta do that, you know,
to keep it fun.
So what I do is I serve all
drinks at my home, all beverages
at my home out of a
martini glass.
Try it. It makes you feel like
you're at a party at all times.
Are you kidding me?
Everything is fun out of a
martini glass: milk, uh, V-8,
uh, Metamucil.
It doesn't matter.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah! You know?
People come over to my house,
and they're, like, "Are we
having strawberry daiquiris?"
I'm, like, no, it's
Pepto-Bismol.
Let's do this! Yes!
Why are you leaving?
Anyway, but still...
Now, my friends...
Okay, and again, because I'm at
home, I'm sitting there all
day... the computer is sitting,
staring at me.
And I don't know if this is
just me, but I've finished
the Internet.
I'm done.
I finished the Internet.
Anybody else?
I have nothing else to look up.
I'm serious.
I am done, Internet.
Now it's just, like, cat
Web sites, you know what I mean?
A musical montage of, like,
Justin Bieber, you know.
And then I usually masturbate,
cry, call it a day.
Are you with me?
Good work today, Debra.
I like your style.
Punch the card. Nice work.
But it's just computer's
sitting there.
So my friends think I should
date on line, right?
And that, it's normal now.
It's not just for weirdos in the
basement breathing through
their mouth.
Do you know what I mean?
It's normal people now.
Apparently, the new statistic is
one of out five relationships
will get together on line.
Fantastic. So I go to a couple
of those Web sites, you know
what I mean?
Like match.com or whatever.
And you got to fill out that bio
of who you are,
30 words or less.
You know what I mean?
But it's all lies 'cause you
want to sound exciting
and good, right?
So the first thing they do is
they ask you to list
your hobbies.
And as I mentioned, I have
no hobbies.
So I lied and I said that my
hobbies were running and
playing squash.
It's more like running
to get more squash.
What the fuck? Seriously?
For carbs, I'll knock you down.
Get out of my way.
It's all lies, all right?
And even the one question that
you think you know the answer
to, the sexual orientation
question?
Do you remember when
it was easy?
Do you remember when there was
just two options for sexual
orientation?
Now, in the year 2011, there's
like, 17 different options now.
Seriously.
There's one where you
can just be gay on Tuesdays
if you want... I'm serious.
Super fun. Super fun.
But there's also...
It's not so new.
The "metrosexual," have you
heard of that?
It's kind of a older term now.
But it's something they coined
years ago for guys that live
in the city, you know,
an urban center.
So they say that men that live
in a urban center, they get
a little feminized by the
culture and the fashion.
So they call that "metrosexual."
I think that's cute.
I'd like to have a new topic,
you know?
Excuse me, a new category for me
and all the girls above 35,
still single.
So with your help, I would like
to be known as a "retrosexual."
Which basically means that I
haven't had sex in 20 years and
I like to do it to '80s music.
Huh? Right?
Yes.
(applause, whooping)
Who's hungry like the wolf? Me!
Oh, fuck, seriously?
I'll do the reflex.
Don't make me. I'll do it.
I'll do it right now.
Love is a battlefield.
God bless.
Okay, so dating on line,
here we go.
Um, okay, so a lot of these
little, the little bios, you
know what I mean?
You have to fill out all this
information, and one of the
first things they want you to
put is your age, right?
So the first thing, you think,
"Great, I know this one."
Age is easy. I can answer that.
But according to my mother,
I'm too old.
She, like, "You cannot put your
honest age on there.
Men don't want to date
old women, all right?"
Now this is my message for the
men, okay?
Seriously, guys, start dating
older girls, okay?
Seriously, honestly.
(scattered whooping)
Yeah, right?
I don't know if you know this,
but once we turn around 35, what
we're looking for in a man
starts to relax a little bit.
Do you know that?
Do you remember being 20?
Do you remember being 20 and
you thought you were gonna meet
your soul mate?
Do you remember?
Oh, yeah, keep waiting.
He's coming. Really, seriously?
Soul mate? So I remember when I
was 20, I used to think to
myself, "When I meet my
soul mate, oh, my God, and when
we kiss, it is gonna be
like fireworks.
We're gonna be together
forever.
That was 20, do you see?
Now at my age, I gotta tell you,
romance is over at my age.
Seriously? At this point I just
want to be pushed over and
fuckin' pounded.
That is it. I'm serious.
You don't even have to kiss me.
(audience cheering)
You don't even have to kiss me.
You do not have to kiss me.
I'm serious. I'm not joking.
I don't need your last name.
What am I gonna do, write
you a letter?
People, come on.
Do you understand?
Please, I'm not looking
for a pen pal, do you see
what I'm saying?
I have enough Facebook friends.
Thanks very much, everybody.
Come on.
And you know, a lot of times you
have to put a picture on the
Web site, right?
If you don't put a picture, no
one talks to you.
You have to, right?
And then even when you put a
picture, they want you to put
your body type to describe
your body type in words, okay?
But you can't, like, type
it in yourself.
The Web sites always give you
options, okay?
So once they start describing a
woman with my proportions, the
Web sites start to get a little
stupid, do you know what I mean?
They're trying to make it sound
fun and funny.
So some of my favorites, all
right, they like to call me...
and I'm quoting... they like to
call me "pleasantly plump."
(chuckles) Here's something:
Call me plump, and it will
not be fucking pleasant, I'll
tell you that much right now.
Another one is "husky," is
another one.
Husky? Are you kidding?
I'm not even totally sure
what husky means, you know
what I mean?
But I am not gonna pull your
sled, no, I'm not.
I'm not, all right?
Yes, I have a harness.
I use it for cardio.
Shut up. I do.
I attach it to the door,
and then I run.
It's very nice.
Very busy. Are you kidding?
And then, of course, you know, I
find this so interesting, too,
because you know, men,
I see girls that you're
going out with.
I see, you know, you're with a
little tiny thin girls.
God bless. Good for you.
But here's something.
If you were dating a thin girl
right now, men, you are not
allowed to complain that women
don't like to give blow jobs.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Seriously, this is secret
information.
It's just thin girls that don't
like to give blow jobs, okay?
I'm sorry. Come on.
Let's be honest.
Thin girls don't like to have
anything in their mouth on
a good day.
Do you know what I'm saying?
They're always full, you know
what I mean?
They're saying, "I just had
a handful of grapes.
I can't. Ew!"
So, basically, what I'm telling
you... if you choose a woman like
me, chances are it's snack time.
Chances are.
Do you understand what
I'm saying?
(applause, whooping, cheering)
Starting to look pretty good,
huh?
Starting to look pretty good.
Hello!
I'm on the Weight Watchers, but
I've finished my points for the
day, do you know what I mean?
I still feel like something.
You know what I'm talkin' about?
To be honest, I never know, I
never understand the draw of a
really thin woman.
Do you know what I mean?
Like the really skinny women?
You know what I mean?
I don't get... how is that fun
to sleep with?
A really thin woman, all sharp
and angry.
(whines) You know what I mean?
It's like, you know, I always
picture, like a really thin
woman as all, like, in bed.
She's all, like, "Oh, you're on
my hair, (whines) my ribcage.
I can't breathe."
I mean is that, is that fun?
I don't understand.
I mean, I think sleeping, I
think sleeping with a really
thin woman is like sleeping
without any pillows, do you know
what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?
You eventually fall asleep, but
you wake up all fuckin' sore.
Do you know what I mean?
You're, like, "My back!
What'd I do last night?"
A thin woman, that's what
you did!
Come on!
Don't get me wrong.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Sleeping with me is like
sleeping with too many pillows,
I'm not gonna lie to ya.
You know what I mean?
In the middle of the night, you
start get hot, throw 'em
off the bed.
Ooh! You know?
I just want the perfect
amount of pillows.
Just the perfect amount of
pillows.
That's what I'm looking for.
God bless.
Oh, here's something else.
When I was watching television,
something that I saw, which I
find very upsetting, in the
Earth, I think it's kinda sad.
Um, you know, there seems to be
a problem with the date rape
drug Rohypnol, right?
Roofies, you know?
Apparently it's pretty
rampant in the college scene
and stuff.
And I think that's very sad.
I was doing a show at a
college a couple months ago, and
I went to the ladies' room.
I usually go to the men's to try
to meet people, but tonight...
boom... ladies' room,
do you know?
And the posters all over
the wall about, you know,
"Guard your drinks."
So I go to the girl, and she
says, "It's really a problem."
Obviously, it's disgusting.
It's immoral, it's illegal,
it's disgusting.
But I think it's sad because
have guys, have you
just given up?
Now you don't even try to charm
women anymore?
Do you remember in the olden
days where you, like, asked
a girl to dance or something?
"Hey, you have pretty hair."
But now it's just right
to the drugs?
Is that what it is right now?
Right to the roofies?
I'm gonna tell you this, guys.
I'm gonna say this.
I just think you need to lower
your standards a little bit.
That's what you need.
Are you kidding?
'Cause I'm gonna tell you this,
nine out of ten times I am more
fun than an unconscious woman.
I gotta tell ya.
I gotta tell ya.
Nine out of ten.
Nine out of ten.
And I know what you're thinking
right now: "Debra, I
don't think you're gonna
be roofied."
And let's be honest.
'Cause come on.
Who's gonna roofie me?
'Cause I'm not gonna lie to ya.
I am not easy to drag.
I gotta tell ya.
I am not... I am not easy to
drag.
You better have your plans
set up or you're gonna have to
rape me where I land.
'Cause I gotta tell ya, we're
not making it to location
number two.
We're really not.
We're really not, you know?
Now I'll say this, you may not
know it to look at me, but I'm
gonna tell you this, I'm a
wildcat in the sack.
A wildcat! Yeah!
As long as the lights are off
and you don't fuckin' touch me.
Um, that's it for me, everyone.
Thank you so much.
You've been a wonderful crowd.
Good work, everybody.
(applause, cheering)
(applause, cheering continue)
LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
Captioned by
access.wgbh.org.