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Def-Con 4 (1985)
'So, since your sister
got her security clearance, 'we've both been making a bet about where we think you are. 'She says you're probably out on a submarine, and, er... 'I say you're probably up on a secret base 'somewhere around the north pole or something. 'I figure if you're on a submarine, 'you probably wouldn't be able to get these tapes. 'Plus, everybody knows that submarines only stay out for three months. 'But... 'Honey, er... 'Something weird has been happening lately. 'Er, I mean... 'What I'm saying is that 'it's like you died and I've gotten over it. 'I was having these dreams for a long time that you did die. 'And then I'd wake up and I'd realise that if you did, 'there would be no way I would have of knowing, 'and maybe you are already dead. 'They kept becoming more and more real until, er... 'I finally was feeling a little bit desperate. 'So I told them when they came to pick up the tape a few times ago, 'and, er... they sent out an army psychiatrist for me. 'He wasn't a whole lot of help. He said he didn't know where you were either, 'but he knew it wasn't dangerous, so I shouldn't worry. 'I should just... try to be patient. 'But um... I don't have them anymore. 'That's because I've decided that you are dead. 'I've put that in my mind so that I won't be too disappointed when you don't come back. 'I'll have already adjusted myself to it. 'But if you ever walk through that door again, 'It'll be like a miracle from God. 'You'll be a gift from heaven. 'And my life's gonna pick up where it left off the day you walked out. 'Hey! 'I got a surprise for you. 'Remember when I told you that your sister was going to get her security clearance? 'Susie, come here. 'Come over here and say hi to your brother.' 'Hi, how are ya? Getting any lately? 'I had a lot of things to tell you, but I can't remember them now.' Thanks. Um... You... It's not my, er, business, but... Howe, you're not going to give me a lecture now, are you? No. No. We've only got six months left. Six months, Howe! You know, I used to think that I was very tough. I mean, you have to be to get through training school with assholes like Walker. But I swear to God, I do not know if I am tough enough for six more months of this. You know what I keep thinking about? I keep thinking about putting on... too much makeup and, er... doing my nails real red, putting on something real slinky. Going down to some sleazy bar. Picking up a bike gang. It's a joke, Howe. - We don't have to do this now. - Walker, yes, I do. 'They're not that bad, are they?' Mmm. It's been a while. What? Since you've seen two people have sex on TV? No. Since I've seen a woman. I'm crushed, Walker. You got me right where I live. I need a urine sample, now. 'Both Washington and Moscow are gripped with alarm and confusion today 'with news that an American cruise missile 'landed in the Soviet industrial city of Veronich, '300 miles southeast of Moscow. 'Although the missile contained a one megaton thermonuclear warhead, 'it did not detonate 'and is now in the hands of Soviet defence officials. 'Sources close to the navy are now indicating 'that a US navy supply ship disguised as a tramp steamer, 'which was hijacked yesterday in the Mediterranean, 'may have been carrying eleven tomahawk cruise missiles 'capable of reaching cities such as Veronich. 'The navy has stated that the hijacking was carried out by what it called "pirates" 'or forces who may be loyal to or under the control of the Libyan government 'or the North African Defence Alliance. 'In a moment, we will go live to Washington 'to bring you a report on the reaction from Capitol Hill.' You're not gonna believe this. That US supply ship that Libya captured yesterday - it just said on the news, it had eleven tomahawks on it, and one of them just landed in Russia. 'No official confirmation of a possible nuclear incident involving Soviet cities, 'but we are now aware that a full stage alert has been called for. 'All NATO forces, both conventional and strategic, 'fighters have been scrambled. 'B-52's are now airborne, 'and cruise missiles have been dispersed to their covert launch sites in Europe. 'In a hastily organised speech to Congress, 'the President indicated that American forces are fully prepared 'to retaliate against any aggressive moves by the Soviets. 'He has advised the nation to go about its business as normal 'until the tension subsides. 'The President closed his address by stating that...' Oh, my God! Get Walker! Wa... Walker! Walker! I don't believe it. DEF-CON 2. You ready to do this? Maybe we should see if we can detect anything. So what have you got? I think I'm coming up with heat trails on infrared, lots of them. Super atmospheric? All right, Walker. Fire. No, look, it might be some sort of limited exchange, military targets maybe! Let's wait for War 1 before we fire! This is only a bad dream. All right, look, it's happening, right? - Yes, Jordan, it's happening. - All right, then launch, Walker! We'll launch when we get War 1. Maybe the order can't get through. Look... We're supposed to fire on our own discretion if we have evidence that an attack has started and we believe that War 1 can't get through. We'll launch when I say we launch, OK? - Try some Earth signals. - Will do! '...have explosions over seven Soviet cities.' The stations are all disappearing! They're all getting blown away! - What about the baby? - Shut up, Howe. Your family has a chance, they live in a remote area. Mine are in Seattle. I just saw Seattle go. I'll check Detroit. We have a solid object alert. Russian, right? It's Russian, isn't it? Walker, we've got to do it now. We don't have any more time. We've got to drop the payload! Walker, you bastard! Fight! I'm warning you, Jordan. - Twelve kilometres per second. - The range, Howe! - 642 kilometres. - That gives us 50 seconds. Which one of our warheads passes closest to it? The Leningrad is four degrees off. - What number is Murmansk? - Seven. Seconds... make it twelve! - Ready. - Do it! Of course all these results are conditional. On what? On what? I don't know on what. This does not account for the... unknown. I mean, all these estimates are based on atmospheric conditions, radiation levels, surface movement, weather, all things measurable from thousands of miles away. So what area came out best? Antarctica. OK, say we got no orders and decided to go back to Earth - where should we go to ensure our best chance of survival? Seychelles. Easter Island. Parts of Central America. I can't help but notice you've been listening to that thing at the same time every night. I suppose it doesn't make any difference. I'm listening for my wife. She's got a transmitter, sort of like a ham radio. 'Cecil? 'Cecil? 'I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I'm going to do this anyway. 'You're probably dead like most people. 'Cecil, you better be able to get this. 'This is gonna be a farewell from my spirit to your spirit. 'Honey, we didn't get hit, so everything was OK at first. 'Everything was OK, except... 'except that your sister and a lot of people in Redwood county, they got blinded. 'But then we got the disease. 'And some people, they think have got something, probably from the radiation. 'It's terrible. 'Everybody's dying. 'They say the germs have been affected by the radiation. 'Honey. 'The baby died. 'He got the disease. 'And they found out and they shot him and they burned him right away. 'And then they took all the food that we'd buried, 'and I have to stay quarantined in the house now. 'Honey, I don't feel well. 'My gums are bleeding. 'I think I've got it, too. 'I miss you so much. 'And I... I want to see you again. 'I don't want to die. 'We're going to try to get away.' Radiation down there is incredibly high. Yeah, it is. But we're going back to Earth... now! - Sorry? - I'm going to help them. I'm going to help Alice and my sister get out of there somehow. Howe, your wife is dead. You fuckface! Howe! Calm down! We're not going down into any radioactive disease-land. You just calm down now. Get your hands off me. Well, all right. What about you, Jordan? Howe, I haven't got anybody back there to go looking for. On the other hand, we're really not doing any good up here. I think that we should support him. All right, there you have it. Two for, one against. We're going back! Two for and one against. That one happens to be me! And I'm the captain! And this is not a democracy. So we're staying! This isn't my program. Walker! Walker, we've got to jettison the bombs! - I gave them 60 hours. - That'll have to do. Number 11 won't stay on. Do it! Howe, I don't know what you did, but I'm going to kill you when I get half a chance. I'm telling you this is going down by itself, this is not my program! I've got an O2 leak on four. That's not a very good landing. Jordan! I can't find a pulse. Man, I think she broke her neck! Her pupil moved. She's not dead. - She's got a pulse. - Oh, great. - Yeah. - I think it's just a concussion. Got a shovel? It wasn't me that made us come down here. This is useless. Useless! OK, I'll dig. Maybe I should see if number 11 was really malfunctioning when we jettisoned the bombs. I said... No, listen. Wait. Yeah, I know I heard them. I know I can hear it. Oh. Hey! Hey, guys! Can you hear me? Quick. You know, we got... We got months of food, Walker. Months of it! And, er... I don't know, we'll find us a boat and... and build us a raft or something. We'll head down to someplace safe like Central America. And, er... I'll drop you off or... I don't know, you could come with me, I'm going to head up to Oregon. And, er... I don't know, you think we could find a boat around here? I don't know. Hey, I see, I can feel them. I can feel a guy there, you guys! Come on! Hey! They've got a hold of my hand. Hey, Walker! Get it off! Got my hand, dude! Walker! They've got my hand! Walker! Walker! - Walker what are you doing? - Hold on! I've got... Hey! Walker! Oh! Come here, Walker. Come here! Walker! Come here! Walk... No! No! Walker! Hey, Jordan. Welcome to Earth. Don't do anything before you listen to this. 'I now accept the fact 'that Alice must surely be dead. 'And Jordan, Walker's dead, too. 'Six hours ago, we were trying to dig our way out of here, 'and somebody... 'or something out there 'grabbed him and killed him. 'I'm going to take advantage of the dark. 'I'm going to leave and try to find somebody. 'I'll try to be back at 08:00. 'I'll knock three times. 'Don't let anybody else in.' Huh! Er, hello. Look, my name is Howe. I'm a Lieutenant Commander with NORAD. You know what that is? That's the North American Air Defence. I've got nothing to do with those guys. I've been in space for the last 15 months, I came down here last night. They, they... those guys, they started chasing me. I... they, they killed my... What do you want? I got... I got four months' supply of food! Let's talk about the food. You finished? You're pretty wasteful. Thanks. Who is that? So you expect me to believe that you're from NORAD and that you came here from outer space for no reason? Look, I don't expect you to believe anything. All I know is I got four months' supply of food, and if you don't believe it, then you're just passing it up. I'll make you a deal on the food. You give me the food or I'll kill you. What do I get if I give it to you? You get to live. - If you're lucky. - If I'm lucky? Yes. You give me the food, and I'll let you go. You get to skedaddle on down the road. And then the kids will kill you. And I'll be happy and the kids will be happy, and you'll be dead. Well, I don't like that deal. What if I give you half of the food in exchange for one of those guns? You've got a sense of humour. What would you do if I gave you the gun, and half the food? Look, I just want to get out of here. Go to someplace safe, maybe Central America? Just get in your rocket ship and fly off to Central America? No. I figure I'll find a boat. What kind of boat? A sailboat. Do you think that if there was a sailboat around here, I would be sitting here, breathing in radiation? Those goddamn kids! Hello. Hi. Um... You don't mind me asking who you are? No. Who are you? None of your business. Would you untie me? Er... listen. You untie me, I'll get you some real strawberries. You want shrimp cocktail? I got shrimp cocktail. Want a turkey dinner, you got it! I've got crates of food. You know how to sail? - Yeah. - Hmm... You look kinda innocent, but, er... what choice have I got, right? OK. OK, I'll make a deal. We split your food, and I'll get us to a sailboat. But if you leave me, you lose the boat. Got it? Good. All right then. What kind of boat is it? What do you mean, "what kind of boat"? It's a sailboat. How big is it? Big enough. OK, Captain Walker. Let's go. Walker? Put the guns down. Get outside. - Why? - Cos I don't want to mess up my floor. - You don't want the food? - I don't give a shit about the food anymore. Get outside. Well, there's more than food, there's marijuana. Oh really? What kind? - Columbian. - Oh, wow! I don't smoke dope, and I don't like people who do. Well, listen, you think you're going to find this food and keep it all to yourself? I told you, I don't give a shit about the food! She's not letting anybody in. She won't let you in. You won't get in. Who's she? She's an astronaut. She's a doctor. What's she like? She's... got brown hair. What... what kind of areolas does she have? - Pink, brown or red? - Red. - Pointed or rounded? - Pointed. So, if, er... say I give you a knife and let you go, you give me two thirds of the food and this woman? I give you three quarters of the food. That's verywhite of you. So we have a deal? Yeah, as long as there's no surprises, we have a deal. Terminals! Get low! No, no, no... Is this the beach? I don't know. Yeah, maybe. It was dark. J.J. I want you to go over that hill. And see if you can see a, er... rocket ship. And watch out for the lunatics from Fort Liswell. J.J.! - I don't like it. - Vinny McKinnon. We meet again. It's really nice to see you again, Vinny. - Hold it right there, Vinny! - Squeal like a pig! It's a fake! Pull! Pull, you lazy bastards! Pull! Pull! Come on, pull! Pull! Pull you bastards! Get your backs into it, come on! You in the blue, pull your own weight for once! Put your backs into it! Put your backs into it, I said! I'm talking to you! You in the blue jacket! All right, let's this time do it for real! Pull! Put your backs into it! Hey, what's happening? Let's see. Hey, sweetie! See anything you like? Ow! Move it! Move it! Come on! Hey! Looking good! Sit down. I've got something real special to show you. Tell me, Commander Howe, you wouldn't happen to know in which direction the prevailing winds blow in Patagonia, would you? What? Well, since Patagonia is in the southern hemisphere, the prevailing winds should blow in from the east. But the mountains are in the way. Commander, do you think the fallout could get over the mountains? How did you know my name? My, my, my! Good things do come in threes. I've missed you, J.J. And you must be Vinny McKinnon. Lacey, would you remove them before they putrefy the room, please? Let them join Dr Jordan, see to it that they are as comfortable as she is. I estimate that everyone here will be contaminated within the next two months. The only solution is to escape to a clean zone. Provided you can find the location of one. I want you to know I'm really sorry about what happened to your friend Walker. Some terminals found the capsule before we did, so there was nothing we could do. You know, I was kind of surprised when I found out that you people were up there. I never suspected we had a secret line of space defence. You weren't supposed to suspect. - We found it. - You sure? Says Delta S-16 on it. Oh, good news. I guess that means I won't need Commander Howe after all, will I? Let him join his friends. Oh, sorry. Jesus! Delta S-16, excellent. - I'll have this sucker out of here in no time. - OK. Lacey, er... be real careful. We'll bring it straight to Boomer's hut right away, OK? You got it. When Jordan comes marching home again Hurrah! Hurrah! When Jordan comes marching home again Hurrah! Hurrah! We'll have such fun, the world will be A wonderful place for you and me And we'll all shout out When Jordan comes marching home Hey, innocent, is that you? Yeah... it's me. Howe! Jesus, Howe! Jordan! You all right? Yeah, Howe, I'm all right. Did you get my tape? Yeah. - Jordan, I... - Howe, I'm so glad you're all right. Um... This is Mrs Boyd. She stole a can of peaches. A can of peaches. Can you believe it? I'm getting a little confused here. Give me a few answers. Who's this guy Gideon Hayes? My boyfriend. - Your boyfriend. - Yeah. Ex-boyfriend now. I was trying to get away from him when Vinny caught me in the woods. So, what happened here? I mean, how did this kid Gideon get control of all these people? He has his ways. You, um... might be interested to know how he's had control of you. What are you talking about? Well... The day of the war, two months ago I guess it was, I was at school, just changing classes with Gideon, when this navy helicopter lands on the lawn and Gideon's father gets out. Well, next thing I know, I'm at 5,000 feet in a helicopter carrying all this satellite equipment. - Satellite equipment? - Yeah! With Gideon's mom and dad and a bunch of... navy brass. And I'm worried about missing my poly-sci test till I find out I'm in the middle of World War Ill. So what happened to all these navy people? Where are his parents now? They're dead. We crashed. I guess the helicopter was affected by a blast. Only four of us survived. Gideon and I, and Lacey who's a marine corporal. And, um... a navy technician, a fat guy called Boomer who operated the equipment. He was paralysed in the crash, though. His back was broken. OK, just... hold on a minute. You're saying this guy Boomer had something to do with me landing here, that's what you're saying? Er... well, yeah, but Gideon made him, because he wants to get to a survival station. See, Gideon made Boomer transmit a program that would force you to land here when you decided to re-enter. There's no way this guy Boomer could have had the facilities to do that. Well, then you explain how you got here. You guys wait out here. Boomer. You did a very good job. I think we found our missing piece, and all the credit goes to you. Boomer, how's your diet coming? Brought you a nice, big, juicy cut of venison. Now, I know that we haven't been the best of friends in the past. But we can make up. And after that, you'll have a nice meal. You can't do it without me. I've got nothing to live for. Let's not be like that. Let's be fair with one another. I want to know where the survival stations are, and you know how to find out. We can make a business proposition. You help me this one last time... and I'll let you go. Well... We'll just start hooking up our little box while the steak is cooking. Perfect. OK, Boomer. How do you want your steak cooked? Where were you supposed to be headed in this helicopter? Well, we were trying to get to a submarine that was waiting just off the coast of Newfoundland. A lot of government big-wigs were headed there, too, but we had all their satellite equipment. I'm sure they were rather unhappy that their equipment didn't show up. I bet they were unhappy. Come on sweetie, let's go. Boomer, your steak is almost done. I wouldn't want it to get burnt. That would be wasteful. Especially with so many people going hungry these days. You'll give it to me if I tell you? You have my word. What difference does it make? It's just a password. Type "E pluribus funk". "E pluribus funk"? Ah, Boomer, I knew you'd come through. Boomer. You've been a royal pain. But you did come through, so I guess I'll have to keep my word. Smells good, doesn't it? I'm sorry, here let me... Oh, look what I did! I'm really sorry, well... I guess it's too dirty for me to pick up now. I think you better go down for it. Boy, Boomer, do you smell! You ought to pay more attention to your personal hygiene. Well, you're on your own. Oh, and er... Thanks a lot. See this? 62.17.20 by north 19.02.40. Know what that is? The latitude and longitude of a survival station still intact, I bet. Very sharp. And that's where you and I and a couple of the others will be sailing starting tomorrow. Does that make you happy? No. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. You see, I'm forgiving you for walking out on me. Well, I don't forgive you. For what? For being a snake. Come on, J.J. You think I'm ruthless because I want to be. It's the only way to administer limited resources in an unstable situation. Can't you see that? You want to go or not? Come on, what do you say? I say... go fuck yourself! Take her back to her friends, please. J.J. Put up a notice that there will be a trial tomorrow morning. Everyone should enjoy that. Hey, Jordan, wondering what's going to happen to you? The rules have changed, Jordan. Looking good, Vinny! What's the matter? You miss your mommy? Say goodnight! J.J. Oh, you look so pretty, J.J. You make me sick! Howe! Real cool, Howe. All rise in the presence of Gideon Hayes. Sit down. We have before us today Commander Cecil Howe. Dr Ava... Eva Jordan. Jacqueline Jameson and Vincent McKinnon. Commander Howe and Dr Jordan, you've admitted your participation in the nuclear war machine that has brought such devastation in our lives. So you stand accused of crimes against humanity. So let's have it. All those who find Commander Howe and Dr Jordan guilty... say, "Aye!" Aye! All those who find Cecil Howe and Eva Jordan not guilty, say, "Nay!" Guilty. Hang the bitch! Jacqueline Jameson, also known as J.J., stands accused of the worst of crimes, treason. She was one of my closest friends, and my having to bring her here before you demonstrates the gravity of her crime. All those who find J.J. guilty. Aye! Not guilty? Guilty. And our friend Vincent McKinnon. Vinny's presence has been long awaited in this courtroom. He stands accused of so many crimes against the people of Fort Liswell that I shall not bother to list them. All those who find Vincent McKinnon guilty, say, "Aye!" Aye! No! Not guilty? Guilty. Does anyone have anything to add before I pass sentence? This court hereby sentences Commander Cecil Howe, Dr Eva Jordan, Jacqueline Jameson and Vincent McKinnon to hang by the neck until they are dead. Such sentence to be executed immediately. I have an idea. Er, take the tape off of J.J.'s mouth. I'm feeling in a generous mood. I'm going to pardon you, J.J. But that pardon is conditional. J.J., you have to pull the lever that hangs the others. So, do you accept? I'm still feeling in a generous mood. I'll make the same offer to the rest of you. I'll give one of you your freedom if you hang your friends. If you accept, be the first to step forward. Let them drop! Drop! Come on, yes or no? Good man, Howe. Cut him down, please. Coming through, coming through. Look out, back up. Get out of the way, get out of the way. Back up! Look out, coming through here. When the drums stop, pull the lever. If he doesn't pull it, shoot him, please. Where's Howe? - Find him! - You guys go that way! You three with me. Let's go! - Let's go, lady! - Yeah, yeah, OK, er... release them. Look, you're in no position... You got no time to argue, kid. Release them. - Put Vinny and J.J. back in the bunker. - OK, second condition, no hangings. OK, no hangings. All right, I'll get my stuff from the ship. You try anything at all, and you're all dead, OK? OK, kid. Don't put any strain on it for a week, etc. etc. etc. Very nice work, Dr Jordan. I should take you with me. - Too bad there's not enough food. - Yeah. You're a real prince, Gideon, but er... I think I'll just take my chances with the others, OK? No, that wasn't the deal. You're staying here for the meantime, and as for Vinny and J.J., well, I promised not to hang them, but they were lawfully sentenced, so I'll have them shot. Why don't you give me another shot of painkiller? Have 'em shot! No, look, I've only got morphine here. I think it's a little strong. Morphine's fine. Come on, woman. - Lacey, will you... - No, I... I've got it. No. That's all right. Why don't you let me do it, OK? Lacey. Hold her down, please. Argh! Argh! Goddamn! Argh! Try to play me for stupid? Goddamn, kid. Let's see what was in that bottle. Potassium. Not a very good painkiller. Hey, up there! Talk to me! I know you can hear me. Hey! Hey, you. Come here. I've got to see Gideon Hayes. I said, I've got to see Gideon Hayes. Hey, it's important. He'll want to see me. You're wasting your time. We're all going to die in here. Oh, no, I'm not. Hey, come back here! All right! When was the last time you had a shower, Vinny? What the fuck did you want? Get off the boat. That's right, just get off the boat, get in the water now. That's right just stand right up. Stand right up and get in the water. No! Don't touch those guns! Don't... don't... don't do it! Don't pick them up. Look, don't... don't pick them up. Don't do it. Look, just set them down now and get in the water. Look, I shoot guys like you all the time. There's no big deal for me. So, just set them down and get in the water. Don't hand him... Don't take the other gun. Don't! What are we doing? Where am I going? What are we doing? Where are we... We're relaxing? Come on! Ready! Don't! No, no, no. - Aim! - Wait! Aren't you going to give a guy his last words? To die with some dignity? Please don't kill me. Please. I don't want to die. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I'm with you. OK, I got guns here. Who wants them? Yeah, give me one of those! Here. Here. I'm behind you. Come on, we're out of here. Let's go. Where's Jordan? She's gone. Gone with Gideon Hayes. Where's J.J.? She's gone with him, too. Come on, let's go. I'd never make it. Come on, let's go! Come on, let's go. Come on, come on, come on! Come on, let's go! - Come on. Come on, come on. Come on. - Oh, God, give me strength. Get 'em. There you go. Come on, come on. I think we'd better go. Her body's cold. Let's get to the boat. All right, let's go, slimes! Ready! Aim! Fire! Can you swim? Lacey, would you collect all the guns, please? Come on. Come on. Thank you. Yours, too. Thank you. You've both done verywell. I'll always remember you for that. You're a good man, Lacey. Stow these below. We won't be needing them anymore. J.J. J.J. Hey, hey. It's cold up here. Why don't you stay below. I'll be there soon. In a minute. We've been through an awful lot together, haven't we? Yeah. Hey... - Lacey! - Yeah? Shit! I don't want to see you anymore, Howe. Time to swim. You go ahead! Kill her, and then I'm going to kill you. You're a bluffer, Commander. I knew you were bluffing when you stepped forward on the gallows. You'd never hang your friends. Swim for it, Gideon, you can make it to shore. Commander, you have three seconds. - One, two... - Ow! Shit! Next time I'll kill you! J.J. Please. J.J., please. Please. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Shouldn't all those be empty? |
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