In many ways,
they'll miss the good old days
Someday, someday
Yeah, it hurts to say
But I want you to stay
Sometimes, sometimes
Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth
I will do my best
You say you wanna stay by my side
Darlin', your head's not right
See, alone we stand
Together we fall apart
Yeah, I think I'll be all right
- Hey, David.
- Hey, Joey.
Your brother's looking for you.
- Hey.
- Hey, David.
Where the hell were you?
- Did you take the truck home again?
- Yeah.
Pop asked you not to use the meat truck
for personal purposes.
- Hi, Mom.
- But you did it anyway?
Uh-huh.
- Do you have the jerseys for tonight?
- Yes.
No, no, no, seriously.
Do you have the jerseys for tonight?
- Yes. Yes, sweetheart, yes.
- Aleksy, hang up.
Yeah, sweetheart.
I should never have gotten
this woman pregnant.
Do not procreate, David.
Reproduction is a very bad idea.
Do not reproduce, ever.
Hey, I'm sorry.
To pay back some money that I owe,
I've built a little hydroponic greenhouse
in my apartment.
You're... You're growing pot?
And you're the only person
I know with a green thumb.
- And you want me to grow pot?
- Yeah.
Right. Absolutely.
That is the one thing missing for me
right now to achieve total happiness.
Getting into a drug ring.
Because the pressure of my wife
calling me every three minutes
because she's about to give birth
to my first child isn't intense enough.
How much do you owe?
- Eighty.
- "Eighty"?
- Eighty thousand.
- Eighty thousand?
When you say it with that face,
it does make it seem like a lot.
How do you get yourself
into these situations, David?
$80,000?
What happened?
How do you owe someone $80,000?
I borrowed money to invest in Newteoh.
- That is a pyramid scheme.
- It is not a pyramid scheme.
- The guy was arrested!
- Those charges were unrelated!
- He was arrested!
- David.
You know, David, I love you like a son.
I am your son.
Which is why I love you like a son.
But if you don't have our new jerseys
for tonight's game...
I have the jerseys.
You gotta have the jerseys.
It's the team picture.
I have the jerseys.
He won't have the jerseys.
Come on, come on.
WOMAN". Your loan has been denied.
But if I don't get the $80,000,
there's people that are
gonna come and drown me.
Can you please put that down
on your little form,
that there's people
that are gonna come drown me?
You do not have
the necessary collateral.
That is why we're not
gonna give you any money.
Basically, then, you're just
a big goddamn pawn shop.
No, we're not a pawn shop.
You're a pawn shop with fancy furniture.
And for all these reasons,
I have to turn down your application.
I'm very sorry.
All right. I understand.
This is a hold-up.
Excuse me?
I said, "All right. I understand."
This is a hold-up, asshole.
- Excuse me, you just said something.
- No.
- Just then, you said something.
- No.
I'm here. I'm David Wozniak.
I'm here to pick up my jerseys.
- I've been waiting for you.
- I know! I know!
I'm so sorry,
but my team photo is tonight.
The whole team has to
have their jerseys,
it's for the whole year.
- All right already!
- Thank you so much.
I really do appreciate it.
Yes!
- A bag?
- No.
Rolling papers?
I grow tomatoes.
Hey! It's a delivery truck!
I'm making a delivery.
You're kidding me, right?
Yes. I swear I have the jerseys,
on our mother's...
Yes! On our mother's grave.
The jerseys are with me
in the truck as we speak.
Hey! Come on, stop! Hey! Hey!
You got my jerseys!
- I know it's late.
- Yes, it is.
But you brought me
such beautiful flowers.
I did.
And Mr. Bernstein takes
such great care of them.
Where have you been, David?
Emma, I'm sorry.
I was trying to pay back
some money that I owe.
I understand,
but why can't you call or text?
And why can't I come
to your apartment anymore?
I never said
you couldn't come to my place.
- Are you hiding something?
- Nothing.
You're sure you're not hiding
anything in your apartment.
Nope.
I'm pregnant.
That's great.
Yeah.
- Emma...
- No.
You know what? I can...
I can do this on my own.
What do you mean, "on your own"?
I want a child, okay?
But I don't want a father
who just disappears
because he gets too busy.
You're unreliable.
I mean, you've got...
You've got money problems.
You basically don't have a life.
This is not a life.
- I have a life.
- You don't have a life.
People who have a life do not ring
pregnant women's doorbells
at 3:00 in the morning.
I didn't know you were pregnant.
David, you would know.
If you just called me
every once in a while.
I guess...
I guess at first, for a second there,
I was in shock.
I mean, you know, it was a shock.
But then, you know, the...
That feeling of fear went away,
and I got this feeling
that this could be the most beautiful
thing that ever happened to me.
Stevie, no. Hey, Stevie, no!
Hey, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Go back to bed. Go back to bed.
Back to bed. Not in the sandbox.
Hey, where are you going?
No, don't go in the sandbox.
Not in the sandbox!
You gotta talk Emma
into getting an abortion.
- What?
- You have to.
How could you say such a thing?
How can you say stuff like that
in front of your children?
My children know that
they're too old to be aborted.
I'm realizing that I might want a kid.
You are a free man.
You do not want kids.
Kids are a black hole.
They will suck up all of your energy,
your money, your time, your hair.
Remember when I had great hair?
I can't get it up anymore.
How can you talk like this
in front of your children?
I can say anything I want
in front of my children
because they don't listen to me.
My children do not pick up on
the frequencies of my voice.
And I'm telling you,
I have a problem
achieving a full erection now.
It's not normal for a man of my age
to no longer have a nice, big erection.
Hey, what are you doing?
Listen to me, go back to bed.
Not in the sandbox.
Don't get in the sand.
Don't go in the sand!
- As your friend...
- Daddy?
No. No, no, no. Hey.
- Dad.
- Back to bed, honey.
Daddy.
I'm trying to have a conversation.
Please stop that.
- Daddy!
- Okay, stop that now.
I'm telling you, I think
I might want a kid.
As your friend and as your lawyer,
David, may I be brutally frank with you?
Sure.
You don't have the skills
to bring up a child.
I need order in my life.
And this is order?
I think this is beautiful.
Daddy!
David Wozniak.
Uh, the back door was
already broken into.
My name is Mark Williams.
I'm an attorney.
I've been trying to contact you
for several days now, Mr. Wozniak.
I do not have a great deal of time.
I shall be brief.
Between 1991 and 1994,
you donated sperm
under the pseudonym "Starbuck"
at the privately-owned
Graboski-Levitt Clinic,
which I represent.
No.
That was not a question,
it was a statement.
We have all the documents
necessary to prove it.
Over the course of 33 months,
you were a very, very frequent donor.
You donated 693 times
in exchange for which
you received the sum of $24,255.
Your sperm is of a very high quality.
Oh, thank you.
I'm sure your sperm is also high-end.
Uh...
Certain complications arose,
which meant that for a period,
Mr. Graboski-Levitt gave your sperm
to all the women in his clientele.
You have sired 533 children
and 142 of them
wish to know your identity.
What?
You are the biological father
of 533 children.
At the time of each of
your multiple donations,
you signed a confidentiality agreement.
Legally, the Graboski-Levitt Clinic
is obligated to protect your identity.
But a subset of your children
is contesting the legality
of those documents.
They wish to know who Starbuck is.
You say that for each
of the 693 sperm donations
you signed a confidentiality agreement
under the pseudonym of "Starbuck"?
Every time. Always.
I always signed the
confidentially agreement, always.
And you signed those documents
before or after executing
the manual labor?
Before.
And you always wrestled
the dragon alone?
Yes.
Frankly, I'm disappointed
you never told me about any of this.
Usually you call up your friends
after you get laid,
not after you wrestle the dragon alone.
But if you absolutely insist,
I promise you I will phone you
every single time I fly solo.
That's an interesting offer.
Unfortunately, way too time-consuming.
Listen, they claim that your right
to privacy should take a back seat
to their basic human right
to know who their biological father is.
It's very complex. Very, very complex.
It's...
It's really complex.
Do you know that this is
the dream of every lawyer
to argue a case this significant?
A case that will leave its mark?
That will stand as a precedent?
My mother always said that
I would never amount to anything.
- I'll show that old bitch.
- What do we do now?
As your lawyer, I suggest you
cease masturbating in fertility clinics.
- Do I have to get a real lawyer?
- You can't afford a real lawyer.
I'm gonna call the Bar Association today,
reactivate my license.
You don't have a license?
I lost it because of a small formality.
Something about a missing dated form
and a bribe. It's nothing.
Oh! Yes, in hopes of persuading
Starbuck to meet with them,
142 of the children in your lawsuit
want you to know who they are.
This envelope contains the profiles
of 142 of your children.
Do not open it!
Brett.
Hey, Starbuck.
Don't call me that.
Can Susan take the kids?
When she's not investing
all her energy in her new career,
she prefers to wisely use her time
sleeping with men I don't like.
Do you have a babysitter?
Why, you need someone
to watch over that envelope?
I know I shouldn't have,
but I've opened it.
Worst idea ever.
I picked out one of the profiles.
I just picked one.
One. Do you know
whose profile I picked?
Andrew Johansson.
We got to go.
What do you got?
- $225
- $200.
There he is.
Let's go, baby. Take it. Take it.
Come on, 13! Let's go, 13!
Come on, Johansson.
13 is wide open! Let's go!
Yeah!
COMMENTATOR". Andrew Johansson
with the three.
Play defense, play defense,
play defense!
Play defense, play defense! Yes!
Do you see him? Do you see him?
He stopped it, he blocked it.
He got right in the lane.
Did you see him get in the lane?
Did you see 13 get in the lane?
We got 13, guys.
Why don't they put him in?
Why don't they put him in?
The game's almost over.
Why are they not... They put him in!
COMMENTATOR". Andrew Johansson.
Thirteen seconds.
Okay, set up.
He's open, he's open, he's open.
Hit him, hit him, hit him!
Pass it to 13! Pass it to 13!
Why won't they give it to 13?
Give it to him!
He's open! Catch it. Got
it, got it, got it!
Andrew! Andrew! Andrew!
Andrew! Andrew!
Those were my genes.
My genes were on a professional
basketball court tonight!
In a way, you could say that
that was an extension of myself
that hit that game-winning shot!
I mean, do your kids play
professional basketball?
No, not to my knowledge.
But I will inquire.
They don't tell me everything.
So, I've been thinking
that we could plead insanity.
- What?
- I don't know.
Maybe you would
not be held responsible
for actions taken
while mentally unstable.
We could bank
on your mental problems.
I don't have mental problems.
I don't have mental problems!
When we're in court,
I want you to say it exactly that way.
One, two, three, Wozniak!
Let's go.
Come on! One, two. One, two. One two.
Big time, big time, big time!
Let's play some basketball.
Come in. Back up, back up!
Hurry up! Come up, up, up!
- Are you allowed to hit the arm?
- No.
Okay. Pick and roll!
Let's go! Back, back, back! D, D, D!
Great steal! Here we go, hit me!
I'm going in for the jam. Okay, not a jam.
What the hell position is he playing?
A little help? Thank you.
All right.
Why don't we meet up back here at two?
Emma!
Uh...
Give me a second?
I have officially decided to have a life.
I'm at work.
I'm going to convince you
that I deserve to be this kid's father.
I'm sorry, excuse me.
Four days in a row,
I have not had any sleep.
But I've never been so happy in my life.
I never thought that
I would love anyone that much.
The kid poops four times a day
and I think I'm losing my mind.
I think I'm going crazy, because I swear
his diapers make me so proud.
I'm totally convinced that my child
takes way better dumps
than any other kid.
Your brother wants parental leave
so he can spend more time
admiring his son's diapers.
It's the law, okay?
I'm entitled to parental leave.
I had three kids, and two hours
after each of them was born,
I was here, serving customers.
You absolutely have to have kids, David.
What?
My girlfriend's pregnant.
You got a girlfriend?
Yeah.
David, you're gonna love it.
You are gonna love it.
Your kid is never gonna poop
as good as my kid,
but you are gonna love it.
- Can you believe that?
- No.
I promise,
I will only be gone an hour.
No, I won't. Look, I've called everyone.
How many times have I covered for you?
Oh, my God, man.
I'm begging you, man.
I really, really need
you to do this for me.
I can't even talk to you.
Yeah?
Can I help you?
I'll have a espresso to go, please.
' Said "to 90."
Is there a lid?
Do you have a lid?
Usually, you get a lid
when you order a coffee to go.
$3.25.
You could be a bit more polite.
Polite?
I'm a customer.
You're a barista.
Would it be possible
to act in a polite manner?
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm talking about a little "please"
and "thank you."
- A little thank you.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that not considered cool
by your generation anymore?
Who the hell are you, man?
I'm just saying if you
smiled a little more,
maybe there would be
more people in here.
If you want to be a waiter...
Well, there's the thing.
I don't want to be a waiter.
I'm an actor.
I am an actor missing the opportunity
of a lifetime right now.
And you, because you give me
three bucks and a quarter,
you want me to smile?
You want me to smile when I am
totally pissing away my life?
It doesn't have to be a big smile.
Okay.
Have a nice day.
Good afternoon.
I'll take care of the coffee shop.
Yes or no?
Customers come in sometimes.
It isn't always empty.
I can't leave you with the shop.
But it's the role of a lifetime.
Yeah, and how do I know
you won't just walk off with the cash?
You can leave with my truck full of meat.
And why would you do this?
Satisfaction of knowing
that you helped someone
make something of themself.
Bring it back without a scratch.
Okay. People might come in.
I can figure out
how to make a cup of coffee.
All right. Okay.
Thanks.
It is total chaos
in the meat market today, David.
And you decide to disappear?
In the whole family business,
you know you've got
the easiest job, right?
And in spite of having the simplest job,
you manage to do the job badly!
It's like every day you find a new way
to push back the frontiers
of incompetence!
There are only two components
to your chosen occupation.
Get meat, deliver meat.
That's not what I ordered.
It's free.
Take it, it's free.
You're no longer a "deliverer."
You're more of a "keeper."
Why is our truck still full of meat? Why?
Why have you only taken
our meat out for a drive?
- Yeah?
- I'll have...
Tell me who you are
before I call the cops.
I'm the waiter.
I'm the owner.
I do the hiring here.
Josh got called in
for the audition of a lifetime.
Fine. He can look for another job, then.
Sir, it was the audition of a lifetime.
That's not the problem.
What's the problem?
He's not a good actor.
He has never been cast.
Never.
He's a good kid, but he's wasting his life.
He's fired.
Look, this whole thing was my idea.
So, I guess it's your fault
if he can't pay his rent.
I lost my job?
You lost your job.
I got the part.
You got the part?
Yeah, they loved me.
You got the part?
As of today, I'm an actor.
- Congratulations, man!
- Thanks.
Thanks, man. Thanks.
Wow!
I knew it!
I knew you were gonna bail on me.
How the hell am I
supposed to pay the rent?
Okay, wait. No, no, wait! Wait!
The cash is on the table.
I'm four dollars short.
Peter, you owe me money.
No, you owe me money!
Okay, so then,
what are you gonna do about it?
You told me June.
Tell me,
what am I supposed to do now, huh?
Tell me!
What am I supposed to do now?
Miss, don't worry about the money.
You, uh, won your pizza.
Yeah, you won the contest.
You won our, uh...
You won our "Eat and Win" contest.
I don't know what you want,
but this is not a good time.
I'm not doing too well right now,
so can you leave my apartment?
Yes.
Yes, absolutely.
I'm about to call the police!
No. No need for that at all.
It's only that I can see that
you're not doing very well,
and we have a policy
that's very, very, very strict
in the condition in which
we can leave our customers.
Here at...
At Rocco's Pizzeria,
we believe in a more humane pizza.
So, is everything okay?
Miss?
Shit!
Okay, okay, you're okay, you're okay.
You're okay, you're okay, you're okay.
Miss. Miss!
- Kristen?
- Miss!
Let go of me!
Kristen! Kristen!
Excuse me, and who are you?
Are you ashamed to say
you're my father?
No.
May I have a word with you?
Yes.
The good news is that for the moment,
we just happen to have a spot
open in our rehab program.
The bad news is that your daughter
seems totally uninterested
in the program.
Since she is still a minor,
it's your decision.
- I'm not...
- It's a very good program.
We've gotten great results.
I'll talk to her.
Hi.
How are you?
Please sign the release.
Look, I don't know who you are, but...
I'm begging you, sign the papers.
- They have a great program here.
- I can stop on my own.
I mean, I just had the scare of my life!
- Please sign the papers.
- I think the program is...
No, if I do the program
then I'm gonna be surrounded
24 hours a day by addicts.
And I guarantee, I will relapse.
People don't stop using
in these programs.
They stop when they wanna stop.
- They will help you.
- They'll lock me up.
And I'll lose my job. I just...
I just got this great job
and I have nothing in my life
besides this job.
- I'll talk to the...
- Thank you.
I'm going to sign the release.
Worst decision that you'll ever make.
She says she'll be happy.
Right now she doesn't need to be happy.
She needs to stop using.
And she will.
Do you love your daughter?
I do.
Tell her. Go tell her that you love her.
And tell her that you will
not sign that release.
Where do you work?
Bloomingdale's.
- You're okay for tonight?
- Yes.
- And you got my number.
- Yeah.
- Great. You start work tomorrow at...
- 8:00.
- Okay. And you'll be there at 8:00?
- 8:00.
Okay.
Well...
In my life, I have a tendency
to make very, very, very bad decisions.
Tell me that I haven't just
made another wrong decision.
You haven't.
Thanks.
Oh, man.
Yes.
Yes!
Thank you, thank you. Yes!
Whoo!
Wonderful
Glorious
The sum of all your experiences
A living breathing result of the fight
And every night
you spent shrouded in darkness
Has led you to this moment in the light
It's all right
Wonderful
Glorious
I've never even tried that.
When you do it,
it's different than regular Pilates?
That is why notable
notorious Americans,
such as Roger Morris,
George Washington,
Eliza Jumel and Aaron Burr...
I'm a writer, too. I like to write.
- Oh, that's awesome.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You hold me still.
- Taxi!
All right.
Yeah.
Grab my hand.
- Just watch me dance.
- Okay.
Here, just take it.
Wow! Okay, thanks!
How about hitting this guy up?
Yeah! Do you feel that?
...have all called the
Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."
- Nice!
- Thank you.
- Exciting.
- Thank you.
It's all right.
No, no. Okay.
Okay, okay!
My love is beautiful
It's here for the taking
It's strong and pure
and utterly earth-shaking
My love has brought me here
to show you it's true
A wretch like me
You'll make it through
Hey, come on, buddy,
what are you doing?
You never see a girl before?
Wow.
Honestly, really? Just keep walking.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, Shorty!
Hello, Ice Queen!
Hey, Ice Queen,
I need a hand over here.
Hey, I need a hand right here!
Oh!
Did you say "Ice Queen"?
- Did you actually say "Ice Queen"?
- Yeah.
Don't say that!
Don't say stuff like that!
All right.
...all called the Roger
Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."
Oh! Yeah! Yeah!
Was that unbelievable? Unbelievable!
Don't forget the money, guys.
And everything became clear.
I had kind of an epiphany.
I cannot be the father of 533 children.
It's not possible.
It is impossible to be
the father of 533 children.
It is impossible to be
the father of four children.
Right! Exactly. It's impossible.
But I can be their guardian angel.
Their guardian angel?
They need me.
They need a guardian angel.
They need someone to look out for them.
And I fathered them,
so it's my responsibility.
So, you're telling me that
your purpose on Earth is to look out for,
like a superhero, 533 children.
I didn't say "superhero."
Out of curiosity,
when you're looking out
for these children,
will you be wearing any kind of cape?
I didn't say "superhero."
I said "guardian angel."
So, no cape, but you will have wings
and play the harp.
I'm starting to feel more
and more comfortable
with this insanity plea.
I do not have mental problems.
Say it exactly like that to the judge.
Thanks.
Hey, there.
So, today is the first ultrasound.
David, look, I need... I need a friend.
- I'm a friend.
- I want that to be clear.
It's clear.
Okay, well, let's get going.
I drank a gallon of water
and I'm not allowed to pee
before the ultrasound.
- So, is that the leg there?
- That is.
Which one?
Which one's the leg?
The white spot that you see.
- And is that the head up high?
- That is the head up high.
- Okay.
- And we're gonna see the arm.
- That's amazing.
- Isn't it?
So, now all the organs are okay?
Yep. Perfect.
I just passed by the baby's head.
And there's the belly.
My God, do you see the belly?
And there's the whole baby.
That's incredible.
David, I'm not sure.
Not sure of what?
Look at them. They're monsters.
I mean, look at that one. Look at him.
Emma.
This is the most absolute beautiful thing
that can happen to anyone.
Who are you? The Dalai Lama?
What do you mean,
"the most beautiful thing"?
And look at that one.
He's eating his own booger.
It's a great source of protein.
Listen.
You are going to be a good mother.
So, here's what.
Since I absolutely
do not trust you at all...
What I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna declare you the father.
- Yes!
- No, David, wait.
I'm gonna declare you the father
on probation.
- "Father on probation"?
- Yeah. You get no slack.
For how long?
Forever.
Will our child have to call me
"Daddy On Probation"?
No.
Will I have to wear a uniform
that will separate me
from the regular daddies?
- No.
- Then, I accept.
We're having a kid. We're having a kid!
Yes.
Your name?
- Earl Monroe.
- And you are?
A friend.
He's over there.
Great.
Thank you.
You're not going to visit with him?
No. I...
I just wanted to stop by
and see him, and...
- Well, now I have, so...
- He would really enjoy it.
Yeah, but...
Don't worry, just say
whatever comes to mind.
Hey, Ryan.
One, two, three.
Earl Monroe.
You did good.
I said nothing the whole time.
I couldn't get a word out.
You were there. You did really good.
Okay.
Great.
In Athabasca, we set a fire
To the world we left far behind
All the faces, we put away
Lost lives float into space
I got a message, I got a sign
Through the wires swinging in time
It's so simple, it's like the sun
Shines down on everyone
Black bird, from the blue
I give my love to get used
Our hopes come true
Sabrina!
Hi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- You are late.
- I know, I'm sorry.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Look, if we really want
to find out who Starbuck is,
we need these guys to help us
put together the strategy
to make sure that this thing
doesn't turn into a circus.
- We don't have the money.
- We can do it on our own.
The objective wouldn't be
to always have them there.
I think if we just take the time
to check out what they've proposed...
I simply wanted
to express the fact
that I feel we were better off
without them.
Yes, gentleman in the blue.
Do you have a comment?
I just want to say that...
I don't know all of you here.
But...
But you're all focused, a lot,
on finding Starbuck.
But, whatever happens,
you're all brothers and sisters.
You've all found one another.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing here?
I'm... Yeah... You know, I'm...
I'm the father.
I'm the adoptive father.
I'm Ryan's adoptive father.
- Ryan?
- He's not here tonight.
He's at a home for the disabled.
He's disabled,
and he just couldn't make it.
- Hey!
- Hey.
Kristen. This is...
- Taylor.
- Yeah. Taylor saved my life.
He saved my life at the pool.
He's a lifeguard.
And I'm the adoptive father of Ryan,
and he couldn't be here,
because he's handicapped.
You're the father of one of the children?
- Adoptive.
- Oh, wow.
- How's it going?
- Hey, hey, hey, Josh!
Yeah.
- Josh, this is Taylor, and this is Kristen.
- How's it going?
Josh worked at a coffee shop,
and he is now an actor.
Josh, this is Taylor.
Taylor is a lifeguard.
He saved my life a few months ago.
And this is Kristen. Orders pizza.
She is also an ex-drug addict.
And I'm the adoptive father
of a young disabled man
who couldn't be here.
And his name is Ryan.
Hey, you're the guy from the park.
- Hey.
- How are you?
Great.
Josh, Kristen and Taylor.
- Hey.
- How are you?
What's up? Adam.
Kristen has got a great job,
and she's still...
Yep, I'm still working at Bloomingdale's.
So the job, which is great.
Everyone's doing great.
And I'm the adoptive father
of a disabled...
Young disabled man.
Ryan, who was obviously...
Unfortunately, was in conflict
with some of the disabled days
of doing the activities and
stuff that we're involved in.
So, I got the stuff for him.
I gotta run out of here.
But everyone looks good.
- Good to see you.
- Great. Great to see you.
Taxi!
As of tonight, you are officially part of
a mass action lawsuit against yourself.
What the hell are you doing here?
A bit of reconnaissance work.
What the hell are you doing here?
I was following one of my kids...
But why are you doing this?
Who does things like that?
I don't know, I was curious.
- Stop!
- Stop what?
Stop everything for the rest of your life.
Every time you have an idea,
I want you to come to me,
and as your friend,
I will shoot your idea down.
You're not a normal person, David.
I am a normal person.
David, we've known each other
for 20 years.
I can tell you for a fact,
you are not normal.
I'm very normal.
Really?
- What about Mariouka?
- I don't see the point...
Five years ago,
you married a Russian woman
that you had never met.
She needed to get into the country,
and she promised to clean
my apartment for a year.
And she disappeared after three days
with her real husband.
David, how much money
did you lose importing Cuban cigars?
That guy looked very honest.
He was in his bathing suit!
Since when does anybody do business
with a man in his bathing suit?
Listen, for the first time in my life,
I think I'm doing the right thing.
You're not doing the right thing.
Stop seeing your kids!
Where's our money?
I'll get it! I said I'll get it.
It's now $100, 000.
So, I really need you
to lend me some cash.
Tony. It's David. Yeah...
Hello?
Phil! Buddy, how are you?
Rob!
Nelson!
All right, don't worry, man. I understand.
No, no. I'll catch you soon.
Hello, David Wozniak.
All the profiles.
And I saw on your overdue bills
that your name is David Wozniak.
I was sitting behind you at the hotel.
My name is Viggo.
I'm your biological son.
Are you gonna expose me?
I don't know.
I don't even really know
why I ever wanted to meet you.
Who are you?
What do you do for a living?
I work at a meat store.
I'm a vegetarian.
So, you murder animals.
No. I deliver the meat.
I don't murder it.
I chauffeur it around.
Leo Tolstoy says that,
"if a man earnestly seeks
a righteous life,
"his first act of abstinence
is from animal food."
I did not know that.
Sir Thomas More said,
"The Utopians feel that
slaughtering our fellow creatures
"gradually destroys
the sense of compassion
"which is the finest sentiment
of which our human nature is capable."
That's interesting.
Can we keep this our secret?
Can I stay here a few days?
I need to get to know you.
It has only been two weeks,
and he has become unbearable.
Again this morning,
he called me three times.
That's three times this morning.
He's taking up all of my time.
Do whatever he wants.
We can't let him expose you.
Long conversations.
Long, like police interrogations.
He feels the need to bond.
Do whatever he wants,
or he will expose you.
He wants to point out books
that are so dense and so esoteric
that it's impossible
to make heads or tails of it.
And then he'll twist it
and ask if I agree with it,
and then, he'll use it to prove
that somehow I'm full of shit.
I'm not having conversations
with him, Brett.
I'm in a chess game that
I don't realize that I'm in.
And it's exhausting. It's draining.
No.
- Answer it.
- No!
You have to answer it.
Anything he wants.
Hey, I got you a kale salad.
You got me a what?
Kale salad.
I'm kidding.
I got you a triple monster burger.
Yes, please.
Hey, should you be painting like this?
Because I can do this.
I can do the painting. I'm happy to do it.
Thank you for being here.
I'm glad I'm here.
- But I'm excited to do the painting.
- Yeah?
From now on, let me do the painting.
- All right.
- Okay.
I got you some French fries.
- You got French fries, too?
- Yes.
And there might be
something else in there.
Really?
A little treat?
You got me two burgers!
So, I'm trying to cancel
tomorrow night with Emma
and I think I can get off a bit early,
so we can do whatever.
Whatever you want.
Tomorrow night will be Viggo's choice.
All right, I'm off.
Good game, David.
Everything okay?
Yeah.
You want to play?
Yeah!
All right.
Come on, get your stuff. Let's go.
We gotta hurry. Careful, careful, careful.
Do you have any sweatpants,
or anything?
No.
You don't want to wear that stuff.
It's not a nightclub, Viggo.
Do you have any shorts for me?
I don't think my shorts are gonna fit you.
Like this.
What?
Up there.
Dribble, dribble, dribble.
Oh, my...
You just gotta dribble. You gotta dribble.
So, you just... You just dribble.
Dribble, dribble! You gotta dribble!
You gotta...
Why doesn't he dribble?
David, you absolutely have
to be there next Saturday.
Everybody's gonna be there.
Actually, I have plans
next Saturday with Emma.
But you were the one who came up
with this whole concept
of brothers and sisters
finding one another.
Yeah, I understand, but I
already have plans with Emma.
Anyway, I spend a heck
of a lot of time with you.
You know, I also have a real family.
Family.
You said "real family."
- No.
- You... You...
Just because
you decided to turn the page
on that period of your life
doesn't mean we don't exist.
We exist. We exist for real.
We're also your real family.
Viggo.
Viggo!
All I'm saying is,
I hope that you're happy.
I hope you realize that I had
to lie to Emma to be here.
That I lied to the woman
carrying my child.
Your "real" child.
Viggo, we have talked
about the incident a lot.
I don't think we need to continue
to dwell on our little misunderstanding.
I am here. Do you see that I'm here?
Do you see that I am here?
- With your fake kids.
- Fake?
Fake? Viggo, what the hell
are you talking about?
I mean, if we're not real, what are we?
- Nietzsche said...
- Screw Nietzsch-ka!
Screw Kindergarten!
"Kierkegaard."
I think it's this way.
Screw Nietzsche! Screw Kierkegaard!
And screw... The...
You can't even come up with one more.
That's it, you're done at two.
Look, screw all of those dudes.
None of those guys had 533 real kids.
Did you bring me here to expose me?
No.
I want to keep you all to myself.
I know it's coming
I can feel it in my bones
All right!
This is information you already know
Even if it's only temporarily
Give the illusion tonight
You belong to me
Oh, the things
I will believe
Ignore the hundred lovers
You got hidden up your sleeve
The words come easily
And they sound so lovely
You all right?
I guess it's just as easy if you lie to me
- Put these next to the grill, here.
- Next to the grill.
Special recipe.
It's a secret family recipe,
but you'll like this.
Wow!
Do you see what happens
when the tofu hits the grill?
Nothing.
Exactly what happens when
the tofu hits our taste buds.
I am alone
I am in love with an idea
Sophisticated neurological appeals
I want to negotiate some kind of a deal
I want to tear it open
Show you that it's real
Oh, the things
I will believe
Ignore the hundred lovers
You got hidden up your sleeve
Okay. Get in nice and tight.
All right, we got one more. Get in close.
- All right.
- Can I get in?
All right.
Okay, everybody, just scooch in.
Get as close as you can.
Okay, on the left.
Can you move in just a little?
All right. Say, "Cheese."
Cheese!
And I'm real, real gone
Got me down to the very marrow
Don't you know I need your help
You're a friend of mine
And I'm real, real gone
Hey. This is Ryan.
- Hey, Ryan.
- What's up, Ryan?
- Hey, Ryan.
- Hi.
That was the best, right?
I had a great time.
So, uh... I guess this is it.
Have a great day.
Ryan?
Could I just have a... Just... Thanks.
I just wanted to...
I wanted to tell you...
I'm your father.
Okay.
So...
You'll keep seeing more of me.
That was a fun weekend. Okay.
You seem way too relaxed.
This is a great moment for me.
It's a new stage in our relationship.
No.
- No?
- No.
It's really important that you know
there is no truth in anything
they are going to say about me. None.
You must understand,
they love to humiliate me.
They're monsters. Really.
- They are monsters.
- Okay.
I want to propose a toast to Emma.
Because I think it's important
that you know that this...
- Rite of passage.
- Rite of passage.
Well, it's not just about
humiliating David.
Although, it is one of the objectives.
And if we have exposed David's past
to the harsh light of day...
Well, I think it's important,
because you gotta know
what you're getting into.
And now that you know all this...
I have some more pictures.
Not Sniper.
Sniper?
It was his rock band.
They wore a lot of makeup.
It was the '80s. Everybody wore makeup.
I didn't wear makeup in the '80s.
But look, now that all this is known...
I think it's also very important
for you to know
that the Wozniaks have had
some wonderful times
- and some hard times.
- No.
Dad?
When my wife and I were newlyweds,
we always dreamed of
having a honeymoon in Italy.
But we didn't have much money.
Then we had children.
We told ourselves, someday,
when we're old.
But time passed.
You have to make
the most of the present.
Do you all make the most of the present?
Yes.
Yes, Dad.
We make the most of the present.
When my wife fell ill,
David came over one day
with plane tickets to Venice.
He had seen to everything.
The hotel near Doge's Palace,
the gondolas.
Then later, our three sons
flew over and joined us.
We had a big family dinner
near St. Mark's Square.
David paid for everything.
David...
He does things like that.
If you are able to live
with his countless faults,
you will also live through
some marvelous times.
Let us pray.
- No.
- Come on. Dad, please.
- Let's drink.
- Yes.
Your father is adorable.
Yeah.
I can't believe you brought
your whole family to Venice.
How did you pay for that?
I had money.
When you were 20?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
What kind of job did you have
that would pay for a trip to Venice?
It was a manual-labor type job.
That was an awesome meal.
Almost.
All right, let's bring it.
Open the flood gates, here.
Have fun.
Okay, have a good day at school, guys.
Have a good time.
It's okay to like recess. How are you?
Look at these angels.
My man, how you feeling?
Have fun, buddy.
Coffee? Toast? Eggs?
- No.
- How was your weekend?
- Relaxing.
- Good.
Very relaxed.
Dinner with the family.
And I read.
Lord of the Rings.
That you lie to your girlfriend,
that's par for the course.
Untruthfulness is the basis of a good,
strong relationship.
But I'm not your girlfriend, David.
So, before you tell me
that you spent the weekend
with Frodo and Gandalf
and Bilbo Baggins,
why don't you go ahead
and take a look at this?
Well, as you can attest,
the reporter won't be winning any prizes
for his journalistic skills.
But apparently,
his story was picked up by CNN
and Fox, and even the BBC.
Which means,
when you go to bed tonight,
four or five billion people will be asking,
"Who the fuck is Starbuck?"
Now tell me, is this good news for us?
Does this augur well for our trial?
Is this the type of situation
over which we can regain control?
The answer is yes.
Now, we go on the offensive.
A countersuit.
We, too, are going to sue the clinic.
What for?
Substantial punitive damages.
It's the clinic's duty not to do anything
to jeopardize your anonymity.
By overusing your donations,
they have given rise to a substantial,
well-funded challenge to your anonymity
which has now generated
extensive media coverage.
I mean, you should hear the stuff
that people are saying about Starbuck.
What are they saying about Starbuck?
Terrible things. But it's good.
It's fine, because our countersuit...
David, your debt problems will go away.
We're going after big, big money.
It is all over Twitter,
it is all over the net.
No way is this guy
coming out of the closet.
No way!
At work,
every meeting you go into,
no matter what you say,
everyone will always be thinking,
"Hey, it's El Masturbator."
Five hundred
and thirty-three kids!
He's donated 693 times!
Boy, this guy was making money
hand over fist. I can't believe it.
Anyway, listen.
He went by the code name "Starbuck."
"Starbuck"?
I think "Chock full o'Nuts"
would have been more like it.
"Chock full o'Nuts"
would have been better.
You should read some of these tweets.
The last kid was an accident.
I guess he was watching
a rerun of Baywatch,
and it just happened.
I had no idea this could
actually be a job.
I mean, I knew it could be a hobby.
What do you think about
all this "Starbuck" business?
Oh, it's horrible.
What's horrible?
It's horrible.
You don't think it's absolutely horrible?
- I don't know.
- What was he thinking?
Well, he obviously wasn't thinking
that they would use his sperm so much.
And he obviously wasn't thinking
that they would choose
his profile so often.
May I help you?
Yeah, do you have a stroller
for 533 children?
- No.
- No. No.
He doesn't.
Because it's not normal
to have 533 children.
It's not normal.
Viggo, where the hell are you going?
- I don't know.
- It goes in the back.
- In the back.
- Okay.
Hey, David.
Your brothers are in the office.
They want to see you.
They wanted 100 grand! 100 grand?
I mean, Pop didn't have it.
So they tried to drown him!
What were you thinking?
Tell me, David, what were you thinking?
Get the cash, David. Get the cash!
Unbelievable!
- Dad, listen.
- Go away, David.
Go away.
Let's...
Let's do the countersuit.
Excellent. Excellent.
- Come on in.
- All right.
BRETT". What would happen
if we no longer
respected these types of agreements?
Nothing less than an unlimited quantity
of chaos.
Custody battles.
Possible intrusions upon happy families.
And this, on either party's side.
Mothers showing up
on donors' doorsteps.
And donors suddenly
wanting visitation rights,
wanting to partake
in important decisions
about religion, about schooling.
None of the parties were coerced
into signing this agreement.
And nowhere have I seen
an expiration date.
What'd you guys think?
Why don't I understand
when you are talking?
Well, you see...
This is a complex situation.
I would vote for the other guy.
Well... No. The other guy is wrong.
Grandma's right.
I think you're gonna lose again.
Did she say that?
Okay. Well, all right. Thanks, kids.
You can all go to bed.
Is that going to be
your argument in court?
That won't work in court.
You can't send the real judge to bed.
Yes, I can.
Daddy can send anyone to bed.
And right now, you're all going to bed.
Now, go.
These are children who are lost.
They are lost in the wilderness.
And they want to know
who their father is.
I mean, is that too much to ask?
And what would...
What would happen if we no longer
accepted these types of agreements?
Nothing more than
an unlimited quantity of chaos.
Um...
The mic...
Oh, that's better. Is that okay?
Here we are, outside of
the New York courtroom...
I feel like this is an easy case to win.
What I'm saying is,
which fundamental right should
take more importance here?
I've been a musician
pretty much my whole life.
And when I write music,
I write it because...
I think, when I say this,
I speak for everyone.
I know, how for me...
I wasn't actually able to
grow up with a dad.
I would like to meet the guy,
the man, who created me.
And there's a lot of transitions
in my life that I've come across.
It's central to who I am.
It's really all I've thought about.
I just want to feel
like I have a part of myself.
The last ultrasound
that is on Friday at 2:00,
do you think that you can make it there?
There is no contract, okay?
They've broken the contract!
They break with the contract!
The man signed an anonymity
agreement for 693 donations!
He has a right to punitive damages,
because you should hear
what people are saying about him now.
- You have got to be prepared!
- I am prepared!
Well, then why don't you do it?
You're my friend, I'm sorry.
- I'm just so pissed off.
- Yeah.
So we hope that it has been made clear
that the intentional blocking
of this vital information
has had, and will continue to have
a negative psychological impact
on each and every single one
of Starbuck's children.
In finishing,
while the donor may have bargained
for confidentiality with the clinic,
and the parents may have
accepted that confidentiality
as a condition to receiving
the sperm donation...
The children didn't agree to anything.
Yet, they are the ones,
they are the ones most directly affected.
This makes no sense.
Thank you.
These are some great kids.
Without the anonymity clause,
none of them would be here.
And not to have these beautiful kids,
that would be a great loss.
We need the anonymity clause.
The court will now take
the matter under advisement.
How long could it take?
I don't know, David. I do not know!
What don't you know?
I know absolutely nothing!
My mother was right.
I'm useless and I'm out of my league.
You should have got
a real lawyer, David.
All rise!
You may be seated.
In the adjudicated action,
the parties will receive
a detailed document,
in which you will read
that Starbuck is entirely,
and without reservation,
entitled to remain
anonymous.
He will also be entitled to $200,000
in punitive damages
from the Graboski-Levitt Clinic.
You are adjourned.
Starbuck, therefore, will be entitled
to remain completely anonymous.
He also will receive
$200,000 in damages.
Yes! Yes!
Brett,
what's your reaction to the verdict?
Obviously, I feel great compassion
for the children.
But I am very, very happy.
I am very proud to have vindicated
my client and his rights.
And I want to say thank you
to my own children and to my mother.
Mom, I won.
I won.
And I just want to say, David, we did it!
No!
We did it, David!
- No.
- Who's David?
He's my lover
who has always been there for me.
And, David, my darling...
I love you, David. I love you, David.
Obviously,
a very emotional trial for everyone here.
Did you expect this verdict?
We're disappointed.
Our case was dismissed,
and we've now exhausted
every possible legal recourse.
But we haven't lost everything.
While we were told today there's no law
requiring Starbuck to identify himself,
there's more to this
than just legal obligation.
There's us, and there's him.
And beyond any law,
there are human beings.
So, ultimately,
the final decision is Starbuck's.
He's under no legal obligation
to identify himself.
But now that he's seen all of us,
he may well decide to do so.
That decision is his.
There has been a lot of
unfavorable comments about Starbuck
in all of this media coverage.
We would really just like
our father to know
that in our eyes,
he's not a criminal or a freak.
To us, he's someone
who gave life and happiness
where it was badly needed.
Congratulations, darling.
I had it.
I had pitched the perfect game
and I had to screw the whole thing up.
My mother saw the whole thing on TV.
Well, she must have been surprised
to find out that you had a male lover.
No. She said she always suspected it.
She told me we make a lovely couple.
And your kids?
- They think it's cool.
- Mmm.
I'm just wondering...
And really just theoretically, but...
If I decided to identify myself,
would I lose all the money
from the countersuit?
Yeah, I think you would.
Emma always says that, uh...
That I don't have a life.
So, um, I officially set out
to try and do the right thing.
It's harder than I thought.
Pop.
Pop, I'm Starbuck.
You are El Masturbator?
Yeah.
Now, for once in my life,
I'd like to make the right decision.
Once.
For once in my life, I would
like to be a normal person.
How would a normal person
handle a situation like this?
A normal person would
not be in this situation.
Let's just say that a normal person
had a slight lapse of judgment
and donated sperm 693 times.
What would they do?
What would my brothers do?
Your brothers are not mentally equipped
to deal with a situation like this.
When you get right down to it,
you're probably one of the
few people on this earth
able to deal with such a situation.
Why not just tell them?
As you know,
I have some money problems.
Yeah, your debts.
You know I grew up
in terrible, terrible poverty.
Yes, I know, Pop.
I know.
When I left Warsaw to go to the States,
my father gave me $10.
That was everything he had.
I couldn't turn down his help,
so I promised him I'd pay him back
1,000 times over, once I got rich.
My father died
when your mother and I
still didn't have a cent.
I always wondered
what was harder for him.
Not being able
to give his children enough,
or not being with them
when they hit hard times.
My great good fortune in life
is to see you boys every day.
That, for me, is success.
So, like my father, I want to help you.
Here is $10.
It brought me good luck.
With $10, I built my empire.
So, take the $10.
And also take...
It's your share of the meat store.
It's your inheritance, in small bills,
to pay off your debts.
I'm scared I'll disappoint them.
Why would they be disappointed?
I'm a meat truck driver.
I'm an incompetent meat truck driver.
True, you are incompetent.
It takes you four times longer
to deliver meat than anyone else.
But wherever you go, people love you.
They're going to love you.
Everyone loves you.
Thanks, Pop.
We'll be right with you, sir.
Emma!
Emma!
Mr. Wozniak?
You gave us a little scare, there.
Yeah.
Hi.
Mr. Wozniak?
Yeah.
Your family is here to see you.
Is he healthy?
Yes.
Does that mean he can work tomorrow?
This is weird.
Hey!
I lied to you.
I am your biological father.
And you have a little brother.
He was in a bit of a hurry. But...
He's doing very, very, very well.
Can we see him?
I'll find out.
Hey!
He's so small.
Emma.
Will you marry me?
Wouldn't you want to wait and see
if I get my figure back?
If you stay flabby,
I promise I'll get flabby as well.
I wonder if that's
the first time the word "flabby"
has been used in a marriage proposal.
Emma...
I'm Starbuck.
Why are you always scamming?
God, how could you think
that a marriage proposal
would excuse the fact that
you're the father of 533 children?
David! God!
How...
This is no longer your child.
I want to be very clear on two points.
The first point.
I said I was gonna change
as quickly as possible,
and I am doing that.
I've had a chance to do a lot of thinking.
A lot!
And I've come to the conclusion
that it's not anyone but me
who can decide if I am the father or not.
Not a judge, not my family, not Dr. Phil,
and in the end, not you.
In other words, nobody but the father
can decide if he is the father or not.
And I, David Wozniak,
am the father of this child.
The other reality that can't be changed
is the fact that I am Starbuck.
Now, this, obviously,
can be somewhat frightening
since it's something totally new,
and no one on this planet
has ever experienced it before. It's...
It is like the first steps
on the moon.
But despite a few drawbacks,
I think that we can
actually take away from this
a tremendous amount of joy.
Not to mention,
vast amounts of free babysitting.
I don't know how this is gonna work out.
Right now, me coming out
and revealing who I am,
I'm risking everything.
I'm risking all for the well-being
of my 533 kids.
And I would think
that you seeing me risk all
should convince you
that whatever happens,
that no matter what turmoil this kid
right here gets into, I will be there.
Now, you asked me to have a life.
Well, here it is. This is my life.
It may be a bit strange.
And a bit oversized.
But it's my life.
The second point.
That was a very long first point.
The first point was long.
The second point...
The marriage proposal was not a scam.
The second point was much shorter.
I need you in my life.
Promise me,
one day you'll take me to Venice.
Okay.
The world is yours
Hold it close
With open arms
Little feet
We've miles ahead
Take it slow
See it all
Wow.
Take it in
I see me in you
You in me
I see me in you
You in me
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
Little heart
Dance it out
The ins and outs won't bring you down
Okay. Have fun.
Little dream
Grow up tall
With a little rain, a little sun
You'll feel loved
Many thanks,
from your entire real family.
I see it in your eyes
Little hands
Hold it close with open arms
Little hands
The light of love
Oh, light of love
Won't you shine on me
Won't you shine on me
Light of love
Oh, won't you burn
Won't you burn it for me
Won't you burn it for me
The light of love
The light of love
It won't shine
It won't shine for me
The light of love
Oh, light of love
Won't you let it shine
Won't you let it shine
The light of love
Oh, the fire of love
Won't you let it burn
Won't you let it burn
The light of love
The light of love
It won't shine
It won't shine for me
The light of love
Oh, the fire of love
Won't you let it burn
Won't you let it burn
The light of love
Oh, light of love
Won't you shine for me
Won't you shine for me
The light of love
The light of love
It won't shine
It won't shine for me, no
The light of love
The light of love
The light of love
The light of love