Who was the patron saint
of lost children?
The sick, abandoned,
neglected, abused?
Their flesh thin as gauze,
too penetrable.
Always balling when l try to sleep.
Fist hugging the hem of my nightgown.
Haunting my dreams. Forlorn ghosts
with questions dripping from their eyes.
l hope some angel's looking out for them.
- Think she's gonna found out?
- Nobody's going to find us here.
...to Zona. Yeah, Zona.
Give me ten points. Yeah, l know.
l know l owe you from last week.
l know, l know... This guy's
got nothing to do with Serelli...
l can remember a time when every
city street would lead me back to you.
When the road signs guided me home
and l was never lost.
l don't know how it got scrambled,
but now the roads lead nowhere.
The streets are dead ends and
l'm running in the wrong direction.
Sometimes, Janie, l think l'm
getting close, but l'm still so far away.
This is a story about
what it's like to be lost,
just minutes away from your own home.
l don't know if this story's over yet
but this is how it began.
Listen now, l want my money.
l don't wanna hurt you but l'm gonna
have to and if l hurt you, l'll hurt you bad.
You hear what l'm saying,
pretty boy?
Hey, Jon, it's me, man. What's going on?
l saw Leo. He seems pissed.
Wherever you are, stay there, all right?
Jon, l don't know where you are,
but you need to come home.
You need to come home.
She's really bad.
And l'm very worried
and l can't handle it myself.
l think you need to get home right away.
How long is it gonna take you
to get here? You're doing nothing.
Come over here. l haven't eaten yet.
l'll meet you in front of the building.
C'mon.
l wanna get out of here.
lsn't that the guy who owes Leo money?
What the hell is he doing here?
l've already said that's exactly my point.
C'mon, be careful.
- Stand over here.
- You know what? l can do this myself.
OK.
- No, l'm gonna do it myself...
- Janie!
Well, look who's decided
to grace us with his presence.
My goodness!
- Stop this.
- What? You run out of money?
- Or is it Leo?
- lt ain't Leo. l came home for you.
l came home for us. l'm here.
l came for you. C'mon.
Well, look what l've got for you.
We have a phone bill, some insurance.
- Stop it.
- l have the gas bill, the electric...
- Stop...
- We have the rent. All this just for us.
- Don't you touch me.
- Stop it.
Hey, stop it. Cut it out!
- Don't you touch me.
- Cut it out.
- Don't ever touch me.
- Go outside.
- You happy now?
- Go outside.
Go sleep it off.
Go outside.
- What?
- You are dead, dead, dead, dead.
And l'm dead.
Go wait outside.
l'm sick of this. Every time
l come home it's the same thing.
She's nuts.
Where you been?
l can't do this any more.
Every time l come back it's the same...
Every time you come back?
You sound like you're doing her a favor.
Hey. Look, babe,
l appreciate your helping her. l do.
l know she's not well but...
You don't understand.
l do understand. l understand
that you don't have a pot to piss in.
l understand you go off and live your
life and leave her here. lt's not fair.
l know you love her. l love her.
But she hasn't healed.
lt doesn't help that she works at that
hospital. She brings it home every day.
Jon, you're her husband.
Yes, you are.
Have you got it all figured out now?
You make me sick.
Why don't you have another drink?
Go on, get a couple of your happy pills.
Make the world go away.
l'm very happy.
Can't you tell how happy l am?
Can't you tell
how happy l am?
So happy.
- So, when did you get back?
- A couple of hours ago.
- How long you staying?
- l don't know what l'm gonna do.
- l don't know what to do.
- About Leo?
No, worse. lt's Janie.
Oh, Christ. Still?
Oh, man. l'm sorry, man.
Listen, if you need a place to crash,
l'm still at the Chelsea.
She's nuts, man. l...
l just can't be held responsible
for this any more.
You don't have to.
We've been through this before.
Lest l remind you. She gets a little
wacked out then the next day, she's fine.
lt's like nothing happened.
Forget about it.
The problem is l don't have
the energy for this any more.
Maybe if it was ten years ago,
it would be different.
She was stronger, l was stronger.
Do you still love her?
Yeah, l still love her.
Are you still having sex with her?
You, my friend, need a little adventure.
You need another drink.
Jamie. Another round, my friend.
l remember when l first met her. She had
these eyes that looked right through me.
She knew me like a book.
And the sex... The sex was good.
''ln sickness and in health...
For better, for worse...''
The thing is,
they don't tell you about the sickness.
Yeah. Listen man, l love you but talking
to me about this is not gonna help.
This is how women work
their problems out.
l'm serious. This has been the same
thing since ancient prehistoric times.
The cave man and the cave woman
would have a big blow up.
The woman gets all emotional because
she needs to get it out, to yell, scream.
She gets together with the other
women in the tribe and they dance.
She feels better.
But the man, Mr. Troglodyte,
and this is where you come in.
- You know where he goes?
- No, tell me.
- He goes into the cave.
- What are you saying?
lnto the darkness. lnto his own
little cave, by himself, alone.
And he works his shit out.
Go with God speed.
Would you like a private dance?
Get out of your houses, children of God.
Get out and come to Jesus.
Judge not, lest ye be judged.
And Jesus said a man ought to love
his wife as he loveth his own body.
And he that loveth his wife,
loveth himself.
And for that cause
a man shall leave his father,
and he shall leave his mother
and he shall be joined together
with his wife as one in flesh.
Those are the words of the Lord.
Come out of your houses,
children of God.
Come out of your houses
and come to Jesus.
And Jesus said to his disciples,
he said,
a man ought to love his wife
as he loves his own body.
A man who loveth his wife,
loveth himself.
And for this cause, a man shall leave his
father and he shall leave his mother...
Can l get you to roll down that window?
You are a little ripe.
- Tough night.
- l guess so.
What? A dog pee on you?
Stop drinking that wine, man.
lt'll rot your gut.
- lt dulls the pain sometimes.
- Oh. You in pain, man?
lt means you're human.
Only dead people have no pain.
You awfully quiet. ln the morning,
you come out from behind some dubry.
Why did l pick you up?
Oh well, you're cute. You're
too young for me so don't get nervous.
You like the movies?
- Yeah.
- Saw a great movie last night.
Had Muhammad Ali in it. You know him?
- Yeah.
- Well, you look young.
When you're my age,
you have to ask those questions.
lt was really great.
When l was a kid, he was the greatest.
You know why he was great?
Because he knew how to get down.
They'd hit him and hit him.
He'd get right back up.
No question about it.
No question of surviving with him.
That's what life is about. You get
knocked down, you gotta pop back up.
You just gotta flow back. Like a river,
you gotta keep going forward.
You can't back up, unless you're
a salmon, then you swim upstream, but...
l don't think it's a human thing.
You really quiet.
Are you nervous? l'm a good driver.
Move!
Sorry, l don't mean to get like that.
People just upset me out here, cos
they can't drive. They're from Jersey.
You're not from Jersey, are you?
You married?
- Yeah.
- ls she cute?
- Yeah.
- You love her?
Yeah.
- Were you out all night?
- Yeah.
You want me to stop
and get some flowers for her?
No.
You got to give her flowers.
You got to give her flowers.
You got to say, ''l'm sorry.
l made a mistake.''
Cos you know it was you,
or you'd be home.
lf it wasn't you, you wouldn't
have stayed out.
So, you've gotta be a bigger man.
You gotta keep getting up.
And even when she say's, ''Go away!''
cos white girls are dramatic,
you gotta come back
and stay with her.
- Gotta learn how to take a hit, huh?
- Gotta learn how to take a hit.
- l'll get the hang of it. lt's just up here.
- Cool.
Go see that movie with Muhammad.
lt'll teach you a lot about life.
He built a house around me.
Strong beams rooted in earth.
And smooth walls, rich with color.
And a canopy of sky.
Windows reveal a new view.
ln their reflection,
my mouth smiles back,
its curves relaxed.
And the bed, soft as a welcoming hand.
l, who all my life,
had made my home in rented rooms,
the carpets crusted with
the leavings of prior occupants,
now have an address.
This house he built.
This street paved with our love.
l'm sorry.
Me too.
What's happened to us?
l'm just feeling a little lost, these days.
l hate you sometimes.
l hate that you leave me.
l hate you when you come back.
And then sometimes...
...l don't even want you to come back.
lt's just me, babe.
You deserve better.
Yeah.
So do you.
And so do you.
Maybe l lost my touch.
What the hell happened to you?
lt's about time you got here. Get in back.
- Hey Jon, Leo came by looking for you.
- Oh, yeah?
Boy, l'd hate to see that
pretty face of yours get all messed up.
A shocking discovery
this morning in Manhattan.
A baby, barely a week old,
found in a dumpster.
Police heard the child while responding
to a call near the West Side Highway.
The baby is resting in the hospital.
Police have no idea who the mother is
or how her baby ended up
abandoned in the trash.
Change the channel, Harry.
Put on the games.
- What a weird broad she is.
- Sick son of a bitch.
- What kind of woman would do that?
- Somebody knows.
Somebody knows something.
They're gonna pay.
They think God closed his eyes
and the world got mean.
l never imagined
she would be so perfect.
That every day,
l would glimpse another miracle.
She makes me humble. The way her
eyes gleam like the moon in negative.
The way her body reaches out
to the world, eager to touch and smell
and taste every part of it.
She trusts completely as if the whole
world were as full of love as she is.
And l want so much
to make that true for her.
Topping our newscast an update on
the abandoned baby found in the trash.
Police made the discovery this morning.
A newborn left in a dumpster
near the West Side Highway.
Doctors say the baby had slight bruises,
but is resting comfortably in the hospital.
Police don't know how long the baby
had been there,
where the mother is, or how her child
wound up in the cold, alone.
- What's happening to us?
- What the hell do you mean?
- We're lost.
- You're the one who's lost.
Come back here.
l'm not finished with you yet.
l gotta go to work.
Sit and talk to me, Janie.
Well, l gotta catch the bus. lf l don't...
- There's other buses or the train.
- No, l really can't.
Maybe later or something but
they're expecting me, so l've gotta go.
When are you gonna quit that shit job?
Look what it's doing to you.
l've gotta go.
Just sit and talk to me, will you, please?
l gotta go.
Fucking talk to me, will you?
Take the coat off and talk to me.
This is not going to bring her back. OK?
Whatever you're doing to me
is not going to bring her back.
You gotta talk to me.
- Come on.
- You weren't...
You weren't supposed to break the rules.
You promised me.
- You're breaking the rules. You're not...
- Stop it. Stop it.
Listen to me. Stop it.
l can't do this. l really need to go.
OK? l really need to go.
You need to let me go now.
- Listen...
- Let me go, now!
Let me go, now! Let me go!
l want my coat. l want my coat.
l want my coat. Just gimme my coat.
- Go.
- My coat on.
Put my coat on.
Put my coat on and...
l'm gonna go. That's what l'm gonna do.
l'm gonna put my coat and l'm gonna go.
Are you gonna be here
when l get back?
l gotta go. l gotta go.
That's it, l gotta go.
Winter now.
lts icy fingers reach beneath
the frame of one solid door,
beneath the blankets that shroud our
bed, into the ventricles of my heart.
All color is frozen out.
My face, grey, the streets, grey.
The voices that creep through
the phone lines are grey.
No sap runs through me.
No current of life.
Like Demeter, my daughter
has been stolen from me.
Exiled to hell and l condemn
the world to perpetual winter.
At night l hear her in my dreams.
She calls:
''Mummy''.
Her voice echoes through the dark and
l rise to go to her as l always have.
My feet grey on
the ice-slick floors of the house.
l run from room to room
but every one of them is empty.
The walls draped in frost.
l hear her calling beyond the windows
but the door is stuck.
l can't get out. l'm trapped here,
without her on the other side.
And there he is,
like a frigid god without compassion.
- Daddy, Daddy.
- Come on, Caitlin.
Come here, pumpkin.
''Let go'', he tells me.
You've got to accept.
But it's not his womb
that's turned to glacier.
She never lived inside his body
as she did in mine.
As she still does.
The heart will never beat
unless l breathe.
Baby cries until her mother holds her.
The mother holds her
until the winter thaws.
Jane.
Hey, Jane.
The dark birds in my head
flapping their wings...
...and every shadow in my brain...
...their cries raise the tiny hairs
along my spine...
...like debris shattering inside my skull
and set my teeth on edge...
...they're dive-bombing,
locked together in mortal combat...
...these are the birds that spatter
the walls of my brain with blood...
lt kills me to see the pain in your eyes.
But it wasn't our fault, Janie.
We're not to blame.
What can l do?
What can l say?
Pretty boy, you know who this is?
How come you never
came to see me with the money?
You think l'm playing games?
l know where you are and l'm gonna use
your head for a baseball.
She just...
She just needed somebody
to take care of her.
Oh, God!
She's a baby.
l love you.
lt's OK, honey. lt's OK.
Yeah. lt's all gonna be OK now.
lt's all going to be OK. Yeah.
Don't cry. You don't have to cry.
l'm sorry.
Come.
Come inside. Come inside.
l realized l didn't care
about the consequences.
l only cared about her,
cos you can't run forever.
l can't tell where this road will lead.
lf it's the beginning or the end.
All l know is l'm on my way to you.