aHruaia
You know in life when...
...when something
disastrous happens,
you go back
and replay everything
and you see where
it went wrong?
You're tryin' to figure it out.
You're sifting through
all the little things,
all of the details.
One of the details
was this house plant
which I picked up
at Trader Joe's.
Another was purchasing
this bottle of poison.
And then there was...
...this kidney,
some sleeping pills,
this transaction
at the bank and...
...clicking onto this
adult internet site
which I had spent many,
many hours enjoying.
But after all
was said and done,
you could say
my downfall really began
on a fairytale kind of day...
...when my wife and I
started talking about
having a second child.
The thing was our house.
It had two bedrooms and
we wanted to expand it
to make room for a new nursery.
So off I went to
the Department
of Building and Safety,
where I'd be told that our
plans were not to code
and be given this variance
hearing request form.
And although
I'm the only one to blame
for the whole big mess
you're about to see...
...still I wish
I'd known upfront
about this plate of
cheese and salami.
"Memories Are Made of This"]
# Sweet, sweet
Memories you gave-a me #
# You can't beat
The memories you gave-a me #
# Take one fresh
and tender kiss #
# Add one stolen night
of bliss #
# One girl, one boy #
# Some grief, some joy #
# Memories are made of this #
Hey, lookin' good.
- # Don't forget a small moonbeam #
- Lookin' good, guys.
Muy bien, amigos.
# Fold in lightly
with a dream #
# Your lips and mine #
Can I have everybody's
attention, please?
Quiet, quiet, please.
My gorgeous wife
would like to pontificate
about the happy couple.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Sweetheart.
Uh, you guys
have now been married
for ten years,
which is a very, very,
very long time.
Very, very, very long time.
- In a good way.
- In a great way.
Uh-huh.
And, um...
we just really wanna
say congratulations.
Jeff, you are...
one of my oldest
and dearest friends,
and I'm so happy that
you're this lucky in love.
- To Jeff and Nealy!
- To Jeff and Nealy!
Ten more years!
# Sweet, sweet
Memories you gave-a me #
# You can't beat
The memories you gave-a me #
# With his blessings
from above... #
Nealy.
Remember when we were
twenty-two?
We used to F-U-C-K
like three times a day.
What do you say,
when you get little
buddy guy into his bed,
we go relive our youth in ours?
You know, I...
I had so many of those, um,
Copper River
salmon finger foods.
I just...
I really think I'd puke.
Hey, babe.
Thanks for clicking me.
My name is Jasmine Jane.
I think of myself
as a tasty fruit
and I would love
to make your banana cry.
Nealy.
Come here.
Whoa.
What did this?
No idea.
Hey, Jeff!
You think maybe it's gophers?
Nealy.
It's raccoons.
Buenas dias, Senor Lang.
Hey, how's it going, Alma?
You all right?
- I'm going inside, too.
- You're gonna go inside? OK.
Will you say bye to me first?
I gotta go, I gotta go to work.
Ahhh.
All right, have fun today, OK?
- OK.
- OK, I love you.
Whoa! Whoa!
Sorry.
Hi, Traci.
- Hey, Dr. Lang.
- How you doin'?
- Good.
- Good to see you.
Thank you.
Good shot, Doc.
Keep takin' that!
Hey, good playin' tonight,
Doc. You were on fire.
Thanks, man.
What happened to you?
You were lookin'
sluggish out there.
Well, that'll happen
when you're 50
and workin' double shifts
to make ends meet.
But if you wanna hit
the weight room right now,
we can see which one of us
is stronger.
Oh... no, no, no, no.
I don't wanna embarrass you.
All right, Doc.
So we got a notice
from the Department
of Building
and Safety this morning.
It turns out the city
wouldn't even consider
our variance request.
- Oh.
- Yeah. But...
I say screw it.
We go ahead without the permit.
Yeah, but what if
we get caught?
I mean, wouldn't we have to
tear it all out and redo it?
It would
cost like twice as much.
I'm sure we could avoid
getting caught.
What if the whackadoodle
neighbor complains?
The whackadoodle neighbor.
Well...
I think we can
persuade her not to.
Hello.
Hello, Dr. Lang.
- I was just stopping by...
- Quiet, Steven!
Sorry.
No problem.
So, the reason
I was stopping by is
we're planning on doing a little
home improvement next door
and I wanted to apologize
for any inconvenience in advance
and give you this as a token
of my appreciation.
It's a beautiful plant.
A lovely flower.
Well, I really tried to pick out
just the perfect one.
Well...
...I should probably
skedaddle.
Bye.
Look!
There's Daddy!
Watch your step.
Now when these little suckers
run down this tree...
...I can hear them coming
and I can run outside
and scare the living
S-H-I-T out of them.
Great.
Are the raccoons up there?
Daddy thinks they're up there.
That's why Daddy is spreading
stinky coyote urine
all over to scare them off,
even though we've got tons of
real coyotes all over the place.
Actually, it's
mountain lion urine.
Higher up on the food chain,
and I think it smells delicious.
Hey, you know, maybe we should
think about putting in
a series of pathways
and pocket gardens,
like out front, and not give the
raccoons anything to turn over.
Go.
Hey! Drop that!
Stop!
Come on!
Fucker!
Hey, Doc.
Hey, Lincoln, what's up?
Where is everybody?
Don't know, Doc.
No one showed up yet.
How's the baby business?
- It's good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Gotta warm up.
How's everything for you?
You, uh, you still workin'
at that nightclub?
Oh, no.
Quit that a while back,
too much strife.
Working for the, uh,
Manufacturers Mineral Company...
hauling, uh, rocks and gravel.
It's been cool.
I was gonna ask you
about that shirt,
- but it says "Leonard" on it.
- That's my name, Doc.
Lincoln's just a nickname my
teammates gave me in college.
- Basketball teammates?
- Yep.
They used to call me "Link"
because, uh,
when I joined the squad,
fellas said they no longer had
a weak link in the lineup.
Then that became "Lincoln,"
because I led 'em out of the
slavery of a third place team.
I guess it doesn't surprise me
you were such a stud in college.
- Yeah?
- When we first started playing together,
- before you got old and slow.
- Oh, damn, man.
I, uh, I thought you played well
enough to have been pro.
I almost did, Doc,
but it wasn't in the cards.
Huh. Why not?
Well, I'll tell you the story
if you want to hear it.
- Yeah, sure.
- All right.
Whoo. Good shot.
It was my sophomore year...
...and we had a real good team.
I mean, real good.
We had, uh,
just won the big game.
- Clinched our conference.
- Wow.
And, uh... damn.
It was like a dream, Doc.
Like a real dream.
They get in this huge
car accident and that's it.
That's it.
His career's over.
It's like over
and like right, right
when he would turn pro, too.
It's, it's,
it's like a crusher.
He's always got these pieces
of gauze taped to his arm.
Turns out the poor guy's
got kidney failure.
Jesus.
It's amazing how you can know
someone for so long,
but you never really know 'em.
Wow.
He's got these terrible,
cracked teeth.
I was thinking about paying
for him to go to the dentist,
but I don't know.
Well, you know, if his passion's
really basketball...
- Mmm.
- ...you should talk to Ron's sister
about that school she runs.
Maybe they have
a coaching job open.
That's not a bad idea.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you,
Dr. Lang,
but when your guys broke
through your wall the other day
a bunch of dust
got into my house.
Oh. I'm really sorry
about that.
I also, I, I noticed that you're
expanding your front
room towards our house.
- Right.
- I looked it up for me on the internet.
The code is to leave
a five foot passage.
What can I do?
You can't see it anymore
because I spent hours
cleaning everything with
white vinegar and a toothbrush.
But you can
see it on the TV here.
Oh.
Wow, well, I can have the guys
working on my project
come by and clean up for you.
I hardly think that a,
a laborer
who hammers and saws
all day would know
how to clean my house.
Yeah, you might be right
about that.
And this has been very,
very hard on me.
I mean, with all this dust just,
it's just floating around.
Just look!
It's everywhere! See?
It's everywhere!
Here, you see it?
I mean, you're a doctor.
You've heard of
environmental illnesses.
- Sure, I've heard of 'em.
- That's, that's why I keep this
basil leaf pinned to my lapel.
It purifies the air.
My naprapath suggested it.
It's been a lifesaver.
Well, I'm very happy to pay for
a professional cleaning service
if you need it.
Whatever the cost.
You give me the bill,
I'll write the check.
I just want you to be happy.
That's very nice of you.
Not at all.
All right,
I should get goin', so...
- Dr. Lang?
- Yeah?
I heard you last night...
...try to scare away
your raccoons.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
That's OK.
I don't sleep much anyway.
- You don't sleep?
- No.
I get a little
every few weeks, but...
...basically
I'm a night creature.
Huh.
Well, I could get you some
samples of Ambien
from the office.
It might help with that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You know what?
I'll drop 'em in your mailbox
when I get home from work.
Nealy!
Wow, this stuff is burning
the skin of my hand
just touching it!
I doubt a raccoon
is gonna come back here
after he snorts up
a nose full of this.
So... I read online today
about this guy...
...he sticks a barrel
into his grass
and he throws steaks in,
and during the night,
the raccoons, they jump in,
but they can't climb out.
He runs a hose from his garage out
of the tailpipe from his car,
he sticks a lid on
and asphyxiates them.
You know, I really don't feel
like talking about this
five nights a week.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to bore you.
We should re-landscape
without sod,
like I keep telling you.
You know, fifteen hundred
square feet of grass
and a new irrigation system
was expensive.
You just don't throw it away.
Please don't use
that tone with me.
I didn't use any tone with you.
OK, don't deny using a tone
when you use a tone.
I'm not crazy, I know
what I just heard.
I didn't call you crazy.
But you implied it,
though, didn't you?
As if I'm not sane enough
to judge your tone of voice.
- Maybe you are crazy.
- Oh, oh, right.
Oh, oh, now the truth
comes out.
- Well, you want to know the truth?
- Yeah, sure, I love the truth.
OK. The truth is,
you are the crazy one, OK?
- Right, yes, of course I am. Yeah.
- With these goddamn raccoons,
you are acting like a complete
fucking deranged moron.
Now I'm acting like
a fucking deranged moron?
- Keep your fucking voice down.
- You keep your fuckin' voice down.
Don't you dare wake up Miles.
This is it! This is perfect!
This is just what you want,
isn't it?
- What is what I want?
- You want me to get crazy
- so you can remind me of how crazy I get...
- Oh, mission accomplished!
...when you make me
apologize to you!
You're crazy with your
fucking Indian pepper bullshit!
Hey! I'm working on our
fucking lawn for our son!
- What?
- But of course I'm the crazy one!
And of course you have no
fucking responsibility
- at all in this fight!
- You know what,
just go fuck one
of your raccoons!
More likely than fucking you!
Hi, Jeffrey.
Fancy meeting you here.
Uh, here's for
your cleaning service.
Thank you.
Oh, your timing's impeccable.
I have a surprise for you,
come on in.
I'd love to come in,
but I've gotta get to work.
Come on in.
I won't bite.
Now just wait here, just a sec.
OK.
I found these really
great blueberries
at the farmer's
market the other day
and it inspired
me to do some baking.
So...
I hope you like pies.
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Well, the blueberries
were so beautiful,
I had to do something
with them.
Did you know they're
a superfood?
And, and the crust
is gluten-free
which means I didn't use flour.
I used spelt.
By the way...
...I'm sleeping
so much better,
thanks to your
magic little pills.
Oh, that's good to hear.
And Jeff, you haven't
seen my Matthew
wandering around the
neighborhood, have you?
- Uh...
- My cat.
- Your cat?
- He didn't come home last night,
but you know how cats are,
nine lives and all.
Actually, I was thinking about
buying a miniature camera
and attaching it to his collar
to see where
he skulks around to.
- Oh, that's, uh, an idea.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, babe.
Thanks for writing.
I really would love to get
together with you
one of these days
for a, uh, a rubdown.
Hope to see you soon.
And if we do get together,
don't forget
to bring your friend...
...Mary Jane.
You're sweating.
Well, I walked here.
I tried to get
here as fast as I could.
Is everything all right?
What's goin' on?
Yeah, just needed to talk
to a friend and have a drink.
- You want one?
- Of course.
Have I ever said no to that
question after twelve?
So what are we
talkin' about here?
We are talking about...
...infidelity.
I believe you have some
experience with that.
Uh, yes, I do.
Uh, is Mister Virgin Mary
being unfaithful?
No.
Not unfaithful.
- Not technically.
- Oh.
But I have been emailing with
girls on the internet.
Girls on the internet.
OK, what, what kind of girls
on the internet?
Sensual massage therapists.
Oh, you mean whores?
I guess.
OK, well, I think
that sleeping with a prostitute
"technically" counts
as being unfaithful.
No, no, I am not sleeping
with them, that's the point.
I just get off on flirting
with them online.
I don't go through with it.
Though truthfully,
I do think about it.
When was the last time
you and Nealy had sex?
Oh, uh...
- ...it was make-up sex.
- Really?
Yeah.
Do you wanna hear about it?
- Yes, of course.
- OK.
Uh, well,
I was fuckin' around online,
you know, looking up porn,
checking out my internet chicks,
my net whores.
- Oh, God, I never learn.
- No, you don't.
All right, all right.
Anyway, a few hours later,
I get a call from Nealy.
- She's read all my emails.
- No!
Yeah. Suffice to say,
she is not too pleased.
Of course, I can't leave to
go talk to her in person.
My patient's labor's going on
all night, so the next morning,
I have some flowers
delivered to her store
with a very cheesy love poem.
But when I finally get home,
she's still at her shop,
so I go for a run
to clear my head
and I decide to make a whole
romantic dinner for her.
It was going great.
It seems like
we were really communicating
until she just gets weird.
She gets really emotional,
really serious,
and then she says
something like,
"I think about going out
and fucking other people,
too."
I don't know, it was so weird.
It just gets weird.
She turns and she runs off
and we end up doing it.
You know, having sex,
and that was like,
uh... six months ago.
Huh.
Well, don't laugh.
Why not? It's funny, right?
- Maybe to you.
- It's hilarious.
But who am I to laugh?
I think it's been like a year
since Pete and I fucked.
Wow.
This place is depressing.
What do you, what do you say
we order a couple more
and take 'em to go?
Go, go, go, go!
Do you think
the bartender's on to us?
We have to make
a quick getaway.
No, no, no,
not with open alcohol.
Come on, let's
walk around a bit.
- It's a nice day.
- OK, OK.
All right.
So what happened
with your raccoons?
They still driving you crazy?
Yes. In fact,
I was thinking about
buying a gun and camping out
- on my roof to shoot them.
- Oh, Pete has a gun.
- You could just borrow it.
- Are you serious, he has a gun?
I swear to God, you could blow
your varmints to smithereens!
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
Mind if I get inside?
No, just don't tell him.
It's his precious.
Yeah, of course it is.
- Is it loaded?
- Yeah.
No.
I double checked.
You know, I have never
held a gun before.
Really?
Do you feel macho?
Oh, yeah. Like Magnum, P.I.
What do you say,
for old times sake?
The life of a psychotherapist.
- So lucky.
- Am I lucky?
Uh, if you get called into your
office for an emergency,
all you have to do is
talk to one of your patients.
I think we went through all
of medical school high.
Maybe we did.
I just can't seem to remember.
When the net chicks say
they're 420-friendly,
that's when they really get me.
Really?
Yeah.
I used to love screwing
while stoned.
I found it to be very freeing.
Unfortunately for me,
since Nealy got pregnant,
just the idea of marijuana
makes her paranoid.
"Cool it Now" playing]
# Ronnie, Bobby,
Ricky and Mike #
# If I like the girl
who cares who you like #
# Cool it now... #
Come on, come on with me,
right here.
- Right here, come on.
- No.
I have... No.
- I, I, I, I have an idea.
- What, what, what?
I have an idea.
What? What?
I think that you
should take this home...
...and smoke it.
Listen to me.
I think you should
climb in bed...
OK, take this,
and lay some pipe.
Sounds like a great idea,
but that will not happen.
- Why not?
- Oh.
Just the smell of it,
just, just the smell...
...it just
makes her uptight.
So smoke it outside.
She won't even know.
# Here I go, here I go,
here I go again #
- # Girls, what's my weakness? #
- # Men! #
# OK then, chillin', chillin',
mindin' my business #
# Yo, Salt, I looked around,
and I couldn't believe this #
# I swear, I stared,
my niece my witness #
# The brother had it goin'
on with somethin' kinda...uh #
# Wicked, wicked
Had to kick it #
# I'm not shy
so I asked for the digits #
# A ho?
No, that don't make me #
# See what I want slip slide
to it swiftly #
# Felt it in my hips
so I dipped back #
# To my bag of tricks
Then I flipped for a tip #
# Make me wanna do tricks
for him #
# Lick him like a lollipop
should be licked #
# Came to my senses
and I chilled for a bit #
# Don't know how you do
the voodoo that you do #
# So well it's a spell
Hell, makes me wanna #
# Shoop shoop shoop #
# Shoop ba-doop #
# Shoop ba-doop
ba-doop ba-doop #
# Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop #
# Shoop ba-doop
ba-doop ba-doop #
# You're packed and you're
stacked 'specially in the back #
# Brother, wanna thank your
mother for a butt like that #
# Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake booby? #
# If looks could kill
you would be an Uzi... #
Searching for Hell.
Still searching.
Hello.
Hello, my name is Lilith...
My name is Lilith Wasserman
and I'm calling
about my cat, Matthew...
...who is missing.
OK, little man.
Give Mommy a big hug
and kiss and say, "I love you.
Brought you breakfast.
Surprise!" OK?
Now, now, now!
Hello.
Hello, good morning.
Breakfast in bed?
Wow. Thank you.
Thank you.
- Mmm!
- I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
You can eat the breakfast
if you want.
I can? Do you wanna
have some, too?
Yeah.
Yeah? You want
a blueberry?
I already had one.
Hey, can I smell this flower?
Absolutely.
Hey, Link!
Hey, Doc.
What the heck you doing here?
- Lookin' for you.
- Seriously?
I want to talk to you
about something.
You came all the way out
to the mineral plant
to talk to me?
I had the day off.
It's a short drive.
Well, it's good to see you.
Well, I hope you won't
be offended
by what I'm about to say.
I don't know.
What are you about to say?
Well, look, I took
the liberty of contacting
a friend of a friend
who runs a middle school.
It's a good school
with a serious athletic program.
Turns out a coach
over there is leaving
and they'd love to interview you
if you're interested.
I hope that's not insulting.
Oh, no, Doc.
I'm... touched.
Mind if I ask you why
you're doing this for me?
I just...
I guess I just felt like it.
Here, um...
Here's the coach's
name and number.
He's expecting your call.
My number's on there too,
just in case.
Thanks, Doc.
Dr. Lang!
Dr. Lang!
Dr. Lang! Dr. Lang!
Dr. Lang!
Doc...
Doc...
Dr. Lang!
Dr. Lang!
Dr. Lang!
I think you left this
in my car.
Pete, you wanna go in...
Eh! There's nothin'
to talk about.
Becca's already
spilled the beans.
I taught you how to make pesto,
for God's sakes.
You sleep with my wife?!
I can't talk about this here...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Rebecca, it's Jeff. It's urgent.
Please call me back.
Hey, there.
I'm sorry you had to see that
back in my office.
I'm not sure what you
actually overheard.
May I ask what you
were doin' there?
I need to show you something.
What is it?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no.
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Sing with me?
- Sing?
- Sing with me?
# Day is done #
# Gone the sun #
# Sun #
Aww.
# From the lakes #
# From the hills #
# From the sky #
Oh, God, no.
Oh, God, no!
No! No!
Oh, my God.
Why?
Why?
Ohh... no.
He was so wonderful.
All he wanted to do was play.
I could really use a hug.
It's OK. It's OK.
There you go.
Jeffrey?
Do you know Sonya Fitzpatrick?
- No.
- She's a pet medium on TV,
but she has a private practice.
And when my first
Yorkie, Max, died,
she gave me a lot of comfort.
So...
so when...
...when I finally
found Matthew's body...
...wedged like,
like a piece of debris...
between the recycle bin
and the garbage,
I called her,
and do you know what she said?
What?
As he was dying...
...in excruciating pain...
...he was
wondering where I was.
Well, he's, he's at peace now.
Maybe.
Maybe he's lost in the dark
swirling abyss of nothingness.
I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry, Lila.
Of course you are.
Of course you're sorry.
Because you poisoned him
trying to kill your raccoons.
It's OK.
I know you weren't
trying to hurt him.
You were trying to make it...
...nice and pretty
for your family in the backyard.
I bet Mrs. Nealy Lang was...
I bet she was really upset
that her sod was all messed up.
I bet...
I bet she put a lot
of pressure on you...
...to fix it.
Can I tell you a secret?
- Open.
- No.
Please.
I am sorry for your loss,
but I am your neighbor
and I'm a married man, Lila.
You forgot to mention
that I disgust you.
No.
No...
Oh, don't lie to me,
just say it.
- That's not it.
- Oh, "married man"?
"Married man"? Please.
You're a dirty philanderer.
You're stupid, too.
What, you're just leaving clues
around for somebody to find.
Careless!
Do you want to be caught?
Maybe you should.
Maybe you should get caught.
Maybe I should go
out on the street
and I should scream it
for the world to hear
that Dr. Jeffrey Lang is a
cheating, cat-killing liar!
You know, it's against the law
to kill wildlife in this state!
Statute ten-dash-thirteen
twenty-six.
You could do
six months in jail.
And I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know what to do here.
I'm feeling very...
...swimmy...
...swimmy with death
and saw dust and...
...power hammers
in the middle of the night.
We didn't do any construction
in the middle of the night.
Well, how would I know
when you gave me those bizarre
pills that doped me?
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to shout at you.
I just...
I'm very upset about Matthew.
Of course you are.
The main thing is...
I wanna somehow find a way
to try to make it up to you.
So in a few days,
when you've
had a chance to mourn,
we can get coffee
and discuss it.
- I'd like that.
- Good.
- I'd really like that.
- Good.
OK, great. Now...
- Dr. Lang?
- Yeah?
I had a really funny dream
a few nights ago.
You and I, we lived
in the countryside.
In England.
And we rode horses everywhere.
And mine was a...
Oh, he was a big white stallion
with a silvery mane. And yours
was a beautiful Arabian.
And we were in the forest...
...and the light was dim,
and we were galloping
past each other,
we were passing each other by
when we both...
...we made our animals stop.
I mean, I know you could say
it was just a dream
but it...
What happened next felt...
It felt very real to me.
And... if you would
like me to show you
what I did...
You, you don't,
you don't even have to agree,
just... just don't disagree.
And then it will be like...
...you're not doing
anything at all.
I wouldn't want
you to get in trouble.
aHruaia
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that...
- Wait.
- Hmm?
Don't stop.
I feel you...
getting bigger.
Wait...
No, no, I want you in me.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Please! Lila!
Inside of me!
Oh, fuck.
Ready?
- Look! Who's that?
- Hey.
- Daddy's home.
- Hey, buddy.
Yeah!
Very cute.
Peter Mazzoni stopped by
the house today.
Peter Mazzoni stopped by
the house?
Yeah. He said you guys were
working on some deal together?
Right, yeah. Uh...
...he wants me to invest
in a new restaurant of his.
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Wow, well, everything that guy
touches turns to gold.
Maybe we should consider it.
Yeah, maybe.
Friend here to see you.
All right, thanks, Jen.
I'll be with you in a minute,
Jeff. Have a seat.
So...
Afternoon.
I heard you stopped by
my house.
Yeah. There's no restraining
order on me yet, is there?
- What do you want?
- What do I want?
I wanna fuck your wife
up the ass
while your two year old watches
me hack you into bits.
That's what I want.
I've decided not to do it.
OK.
Instead, I'm gonna
offer you a choice.
You pick up this phone,
right now,
you call your wife and you tell
her what you did or...
...or you give me
a hundred thousand dollars
in cash for my silence.
Hey.
- Thanks for meeting me.
- Of course.
So am I fucked?
What do you think?
I think he's a...
...an Italian guy
from New Jersey
who likes to back
up his threats.
So...
Did you end up meeting
with Pete today or what?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? And?
What's the matter?
I hope I didn't keep you
waitin' too long.
I got a little lost on the way.
No problem.
So... I'm sorry,
I couldn't get it all.
We haven't saved much
since we bought our house
but I was able to get
seventy-five thousand
out of our home equity line.
Why in the world
did you just do that?
You ever hear the old saying,
"You pays your money
and you takes your choice"?
No.
Well, now you have.
By the way,
Becca and I are done,
so feel free
to go take advantage
and poke around
that cumhole all you want
'cause I don't care anymore.
I gave you a choice.
I gave you a choice, Jeffrey.
You could've told your wife
the truth
instead of meetin' me here.
You could've been a good guy,
but no, you're a rat,
just like my wife.
You're a little punk rat,
a boy man rat. Look at you.
Just look at you.
And you deserve a lot worse
than losing some petty
cash to the Skagit River.
You know, when I
discovered what you did,
I was gonna kill you.
But then I remembered
I'm not that kind of man.
I'm the kind of man
who makes a mistake
and then makes amends.
I'm the kind of man who got into
a drunk driving accident
and nearly killed a kid,
but did I get some fancy-pants
lawyer to get me off scot-free 'cause I
was just below the legal limit? Uh-uh!
I prayed for forgiveness,
and I pled guilty.
And when the judge ordered me
to pay a million dollars
to the kid's family
and he sent me to jail
for a month, did I stop there?
No. I started helping people.
Volunteering.
Philanthropy.
'Cause that's
the kind of guy I am.
You may wish you're that
kinda man,
but you're not.
You're a scumbag home-wrecker.
You wrecked my home, Jeffrey.
You wrecked my home.
And I could just as easily
wreck yours with one phone call.
But I don't need to do that.
Because you're the kinda guy
who's gonna
fuck it all up himself.
Hey, Lincoln, how are you?
Very good, very good.
So guess what?
I got the job, Doc.
No kidding, that's great news.
Actually, I start tomorrow.
And to celebrate,
this weekend my wife and I
were thinking we could
have you and your family
over to dinner.
What's that noise, Lincoln?
Oh, I'm all tied up to my
dialysis machine right now.
Damn thing starts makin' noises
for no good reason sometimes.
Hello?
Hello?
Thanks for visiting me, Doc.
Nobody ever visits me here.
Of course.
So I hope you don't mind
me askin',
I was just wondering what your
doctor says in terms of, uh,
how long it is before
your kidneys fail?
A couple years, if I'm lucky.
So they say.
But I'm feeling strong,
and the way I see it,
if God can create
the earth in seven days,
why can't I get lucky
and find myself a kidney
in the next year or two?
Hey, Doc.
I hope I didn't depress
you with that.
Today's a really good day.
I know, yeah, yeah, of course.
- To Doc.
- To Doc.
A saint.
Oh, not a saint.
Well, in my book you are.
And one heck of a
basketball player.
Oh, now
are you just saying that
- to make him feel good?
- Well, let me tell you,
if your husband understood
how to play defense,
had a better jump shot,
and was about six foot nine,
he'd be killin' 'em
in the NBA right now.
Hey, hey, you mind if I
say a prayer before we eat?
Of course not.
Dear Heavenly Father,
we thank you for the food
that's been prepared before us,
for the nourishment
and strengthening of our bodies.
In the name of Christ Jesus,
amen.
Amen.
- All right, you guys can eat.
- Whoo.
May I have the salt and pepper?
So you haven't told me
how the team is yet.
Doc, these girls hustle
like you wouldn't believe.
And there's some talent
on the team, too.
Oh, that's great.
Really great.
But I've gotta tell you,
what I like
the best about it is
my kids are finally excited about
something their daddy does.
Thank you, Doc.
You made this possible, bro.
You changed my life, Doc.
So why can't Angela donate?
Oh, she has some kind of
congenital heart defect,
which means an operation
would be risky.
He seems so alive,
you know, and healthy.
He's so far down on the list to
get a transplant it's not funny.
I know it's kind of
an absurd thought, but...
...why shouldn't it be me?
Here, I've been
doing a little research.
"Living organ donation."
Wow.
OK, you're serious.
You've been thinking
about this for a while.
Well, a bit.
This is...
This is amazing.
I'm just, I'm, I'm worried,
uh, what if Miles
needs your kidney one day?
Well, I thought that we could do
a test to make sure both
you and Miles
have healthy kidneys,
and if so,
the risk is incredibly small.
I'm not opposed
to doing some tests.
I actually think it's a
really wonderful thought
to do something truly selfless.
You weren't expecting this.
All right,
there you go, there you go.
OK, pick up the rhythm, guys.
All right, good, good.
Right back to the other side.
Lincoln.
Hey, Doc.
What are you doin' here?
How's it goin'?
It's goin' great.
The girls are great.
Yeah. Uh, I come
bearing some good news.
You know I like good news.
After dinner at your house,
my wife and I were talking
about your,
your health situation.
And um, long story short,
the last few weeks have been
all about kidney donation
and we have researched it,
talked about it,
done a bunch of tests,
and we came to agree
that it was
the right thing to do.
So I called your doctor and...
Whoa, wait a minute.
Are you saying what
I think you're sayin'?
We are a perfect match,
Lincoln.
The same blood type,
everything.
Doc, yes!
- Ahhh!
- Ahhh!
Man, what am I lookin' at?
Am I looking at a man
or an angel?
Ladies, ladies, hold up, hold up.
This is my friend,
Dr. Lang.
And he's gonna give me
one of his kidneys!
I'm gonna live!
Uh, um, take a break guys.
Oh, man.
Wow, man.
Wow, man.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
Clamp.
Clamp.
Ligature.
Scissors.
There's your daddy.
Shh, shh, shh.
I don't know
if he's awake. I'm sorry.
Hey. Hey, little guy.
What's up?
- Hey, hey, Doc.
- Hey.
I'm good, thanks.
All right, sir.
Oh.
My heart is warm.
I got so much love
for you right now, Doc.
Gimme your hands.
I'm so glad
this worked out, Lincoln.
So am I, Doc.
So am I.
Oh. My minister came by to
visit me this morning.
And we were talking about what
a miracle it is, what you did,
and he had the idea to do
a special service in your honor.
I don't need to be honored.
Wouldn't be
for your vanity, Doc.
It'd be for our congregation,
to inspire them to do
their own charity work.
I think it would be,
you know, painless.
But if you'd prefer not to...
No. I'll do it.
Sounds like a good idea.
It is.
Aloha.
I brought you this basil plant.
These hospitals are so toxic.
So many germs.
Thank you. So...
...how'd you know
to find me here?
You're in the paper.
What, didn't you know?
What a wonderful thing
you did for him,
saving his life, getting him
the job, everything.
No doubt... you will reap
the positive karma
of this for a long time.
Um... speaking of karma,
there's something
I need to tell you,
which may slam the karmic
wheel of fate down on me hard.
Um...
I know I shouldn't
have done it...
but after Matthew was poisoned
and before our...
...you know...
...I was seeing red
and I called
the Department
of Building and Safety
and told them
about your construction.
Anyway, they
finally came by yesterday
and they...
they put this on your door.
I am really sorry, Jeffrey.
I, I...
...probably would've done
the same thing
if you'd killed my pet.
There's something else.
I'm pregnant.
With your baby.
I know what you're thinking.
But you don't need
to be worried.
It's all gonna be all right.
It will all work out.
Things always do.
No. Things don't
always work out.
You want me to kill it,
don't you?
I wanna go in the house.
We're goin'.
OK.
I thought about
fixing it myself,
but it just didn't
seem worth it.
Don't worry, it's decaf.
I, I would never poison
our baby with a
double shot of real espresso.
They say it can cause autism.
Then again,
you're the baby doctor.
Hey, can I ask, um...
Are you one hundred percent
certain that you're pregnant?
Yes.
I took the test
twice, I peed twice,
- just to make sure.
- Lila...
Do you really think,
in your heart,
that this is the right
thing to do,
for you and I to be
having a baby together?
Oh... absolutely.
It's a miracle.
- No.
- Yes, Jeff.
I feel the life
growing inside of me.
- No, Lila,
- I can feel it
- blooming
- Lila, please.
- and blossoming and growing.
- Lila, please. Lila. Look...
Lila! What fuckin'
planet do you live on?!
There is no way, no chance under
any circumstance,
that I'll be fathering
a child with you.
Jeffrey, I want you
to understand
that once our little one
is born
I'm not expecting child support
or anything like that.
I just want our little one
to grow up knowing his father.
And if you think about it,
it's perfect.
The little one
will be right next door.
You can come by and visit
any time you like.
You can be like
the charming uncle
and that... that wife of
yours never has to find out.
She won't know.
Bye.
See you later.
I... I don't have
any medical insurance
so I thought maybe
you could help me out.
You wouldn't put anything
up there
that would hurt
the baby, would you?
No. I wouldn't do that.
Does that mean...?
It's alive.
Dang, Doc.
That's a pretty tight spot
this woman's got you in.
You know,
Doc, my mother used to say,
"It's impossible to reason
with an unreasonable person."
I think that's what
you're dealing with,
with this woman here.
I can barely see straight.
And the things I'm thinking,
you, you couldn't imagine.
Like what?
Like all day...
...I'm fantasizing
about her dying.
I must've imagined it
a hundred different ways.
Actually, last night,
I had a dream about it.
A wish fulfillment dream,
huh, Doc?
I guess so.
What was it?
It was ridiculous.
There were these two
football players
runnin' through the woods
in the park by my house
where I sometimes go jogging
and I see her walking her
little dog every night at dusk.
They're just galloping
through the woods
in full game day uniforms.
One of 'em hurls
a ball through the air.
As it sails,
I realize it's an arrow.
It splits her head wide open.
I woke up totally relieved.
Until I realized
it was just a dream.
Sick, huh?
It's gonna be all right, Doc.
It's gonna be all right.
Meredith just called and said
that Peter and Rebecca
are getting divorced.
"Once upon a time,
but not long ago,
a mom and her girl
were folding washed clothes.
When suddenly,
Mom noticed something amiss.
Something weird, something
crazy, a real mystery this!
'Where are the socks?'
asked Mom with a frown.
'I can't find them up.
- I can't find them down.'"
- Hey.
Hey. Have you seen
my keys anywhere?
No, I have no idea.
Uh, have you looked
in your purse?
Yes, of course I looked
in my purse.
You didn't take them with you
when you left the house
this morning, did you?
No. What about
Miles' toy box?
Remember when he hid
the remote in there?
Oh!
Oh, please, please.
I, I have a...
Please don't do it.
Please. Please.
Hello?
- Jeff.
- Hey, honey.
So I come home for lunch
today to find out
that our whackadoodle neighbor
got herself shot dead
with a bow and arrow.
It happened in the park.
Less than a mile away.
The police are now going
door to door.
Sort of puts a damper
on tonight's celebration,
doesn't it?
Thank you, Jesus!
Thank you.
That's a plane,
you know what that is.
No, that.
Oh, that?
I don't know what that is.
That was pretty moving, huh?
Where, where are we going?
Hey.
I cheated my way
through med school.
What?
Cheat sheets.
Very elaborate,
written on little pieces
of paper in every pocket.
When I was a kid,
I had this doctor
who misdiagnosed
my chicken pox as dermatitis.
I almost died.
Did I ever tell you that?
No.
While I was in the hospital,
my mother and grandmother
were sitting around,
I overheard my grandmother say,
"Well, I guess not all
doctors made A's."
Turns out, I became
one of those doctors.
I am a "study
at the last minute,
slide-by, path of least
resistance...
...fuckhead, C-plus" doctor.
You're a great doctor.
Look.
No... Jeff!
What are you doing?!
Jeff, stop! Don't!
Don't!
Stop the car!
Oh, my God!
Stop it! Stop! No!
You are freaking me out.
What is going on?
I fucked Rebecca.
What?
I don't mean to hurt you
telling you this.
I'm just trying to
tell you the
truth for a change.
Rebecca Mazzoni.
- I only fucked her once.
- Oh, great. Good.
But Peter found out.
In the meantime...
...I accidentally...
...poisoned Lila's cat
trying to get the raccoons.
All in the same day.
She followed me to work to
confront me about Matthew...
...that's her cat...
...and Peter shows up
to confront me about Rebecca.
And Lila takes off
without saying a word,
so when I go to see
what she wanted...
...she comes on to me.
- And she goes absolutely fucking ballistic.
- Oh, my God.
- Threatens to tell you everything and...
- Oh, my God.
...I guess a part of me wanted
to have sex with her
because I did.
Wow.
Wow.
Nealy...
...uh...
...so far this has been
the good news.
She, uh...
...she got pregnant.
Who got pregnant?
Lila.
Oh, God.
What?
The chances of it happening
that one time
at her age are...
I...
What?
But here comes the kicker.
I didn't know who to confide in.
So I visited...
...Lincoln.
We're sitting there...
...and I mention to him
a dream I had...
...where Lila's
killed with an arrow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Nealy, I was just
venting to him.
Oh, my God, Jeff.
- I didn't ask him to do it.
- Oh, my God.
But he did it.
This is real?
This really fucking happened?
Oh, my God, Jeff!
Jesus! Jesus!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
I don't know.
Don't fucking come near me.
I fucked somebody, too.
Before that, that big fight
we had about the raccoons.
Those stupid raccoons.
I was fucking somebody.
I was having
an affair for months.
Six months.
He was a customer.
I helped him pick out fabric.
It was blue corduroy.
He worked at the wine shop
down the street.
He'd bring me plates
of cheese and salami.
It's over now.
OK.
OK. Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
I deserve whatever I get.
What do you think you deserve?
Probably for a piano to fall
from the sky and crush me.
Prison.
You leave me.
Maybe lose my son.
I don't know.
I fucking killed somebody.
I'm responsible.
I'm responsible.
Look what I did
to this fuckin' thing.
Do you still love me?
Yes.
I mean...
...I don't understand.
After everything I've done...
I was such an idiot.
I've lied and cheated.
Yes.
Yes, I love you.
I don't know what to do.
I, uh...
Tell me what to do.
Let's go.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Did you have a nice time?
How's, uh, how's Miles?
Miles is very asleep.
- Good news.
- Thank you.
Good night.
What now?
Turn myself in?
Turn Lincoln in?
Uh, I don't want to ruin
the life we've
built together, Jeff.
I don't wanna...
...hurt everyone,
destroy everything.
What does that mean?
If we turn him in...
...his kids grow
up without a father
and Angela's a single mom.
And Miles grows up with this...
...cloud of murder
and weirdness over his head,
and that's the best case
scenario.
The worst case scenario is...
...a jury doesn't believe
your side of the story
and you go to prison, too.
You think
we're gonna be laying in bed
with insomnia
talking about this
when we're eighty years old?
I think we're gonna be
talking about this
for a long time.
We'll talk about it
and talk about it...
...until one day...
...we'll decide not to.
And then we'll worry
silently for years.
Maybe we won't make it.
Maybe we'll implode with guilt.
Maybe that's
what should happen.
Or maybe we'll make it through.
And eventually...
...this will fade away...
...and it'll seem like
a dream we had.
It was true.
Everything that had happened
would eventually
become a distant memory.
However, before that occurred,
I'd find myself going to this
police station...
...thinking I should
probably walk in
and come clean.
Thinking if I didn't, then...
...then I probably deserved
whatever the worst was
that the universe
could deal me.
But... in the end...
...in reality...
...I'd just get up off
that bench and go home.
And at night,
with our grass gone,
the raccoons
kept their distance.
No one got caught
and no one was the wiser.
And life just...
...went on.
aHruaia
# Take one fresh
and tender kiss #
# Add one stolen night
of bliss #
# One girl, One boy #
# Some grief, Some joy #
# Memories are made of this #
# Don't forget
a small moonbeam #
# Fold in lightly
with a dream #
# Your lips and mine #
# Two sips of wine #
# Memories are made of this #
# Then add the wedding bells #
# One house
where lovers dwell #
# Three little kids #
# For the flavor #
# Stir carefully
through the days #
# See how the flavor stays #
# These are the dreams
you will savor #
# With his blessings
from above #
# Serve it generously
with love #
# One man, one wife #
# One love through life #
# Memories are made of this #
# Memories are made of this #