My husband.
Thank you for last night.
Thank you for last night.
Thank you for last night.
Hey, what do you think
you're doing?
Shit.
Today, these visually-impaired senior
citizens will fulfill a lifelong dream:
To swim with dolphins.
Hey, check this out.
- What is that?
- Careful.
That is four years of research.
A technological breakthrough
which might just save a life or two.
- What's it for?
- A device to prevent...
...the beaching of cetaceans.
- That's whales to you and me.
- Cetaceans, huh?
That's a pretty big word
for a man-whore.
I'm not a man-whore.
I'm a fish enthusiast.
I stopped man-whoring
when I met my wife.
My mom said your wife
got eaten on your honeymoon...
...because you tried
to feed the sharks.
You tell your mom I was
trying to feed the turtles.
Didn't realize there was
meat sauce on the lettuce.
Whatever. I bet that thing doesn't
even work, you stupid he-bitch.
- Come on, I got it.
- Hey, you little bastards.
Give that back! That's not a toy!
That's the one. That's your grandma.
Give me..! Come on! Give me..!
Something seems to be going wrong.
I'm not sure what's happening.
I gotcha! I got..!
Hey, everybody. I'm home.
Hi, Kate. I missed you today.
The prototype's almost working.
All it needs is a few
minor adjustments.
Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where
three blind swimmers are missing.
I hope that man rots in hell!
It was some weird guy.
He tried to touch my ball...
- Hello?
- Deucey, Deucey, Deucey.
It's your old buddy T.J. Here.
- T.J?
- I'm in Amsterdam.
Man, you'd love it here. It's like
Disneyland for college students.
You wouldn't believe this.
Why don't you come and let your
friend T.J. Show you a good time.
- Oh, that's crazy. I can't.
- Look.
It ain't like you got something
better to do over there.
Amsterdam is so far away.
Police have just released a sketch
of a man wanted for questioning.
Witnesses report he is goofy-looking
and probably a virgin.
On the other hand,
far away could be good.
Is my wife gonna be okay in there?
- She'll be fine, sir.
- All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 10
from Helsinki is now arriving...
Excuse me.
I think there's been a mix-up.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
That's okay. I always wondered
what it felt like to be a white woman.
- Can I borrow it?
- Give me that.
Hold on.
All rows now boarding
for Amsterdam.
Excuse me.
Okay.
Hey, how many people
get to do this on their honeymoon?
You're sure it's safe
to feed the turtles?
You have nothing to worry about.
I'm a fish expert, remember?
What is that over there?
Oh, that's just some kid with a fin
on his back, trying to scare us.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Do you think the hotel would let us
swim if there were sharks?
Come on. This is Mexico.
They know what they're doing.
This shirt's gonna be
a great icebreaker.
Fuck you, American,
you imperialist bastard!
I love America.
I love President Bush.
Thank you for bringing
democracy to Iraq.
- Shut up!
- Oh, shit!
Oh, hello. Sir.
- Is this okay?
- You did miss a spot.
Did I get it?
Put some elbow in it.
Sorry, honey.
What's with all these red lights?
I wonder if they know
their curtains are open.
Oh, man.
Ahoy there!
Big Deucey in Amsterdam.
Man, get on over here.
Deucey.
- Look at this boat.
- Check this out.
You like that?
I couldn't be happier for you.
Come, let me
show you my float-crib.
- Okay.
- Looking like money.
I'm telling you, you gonna have
a good time, man, huh?
Well, it ain't much, but it's home.
It's nice.
I like what you've done with it.
Now, if you gotta use the bathroom,
lift up the toilet seat.
This is where I live.
This is my home.
I don't want nobody
pissing on my toilet seat.
What do you think of the float-crib?
You feeling it?
T.J., I think you got a bad leak here.
No, no, no. It's just high tide.
Is that what I think it is?
Yeah. I brought Kate.
I really wanna show her
a good time, you know?
Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.
Deucey.
Keeping that leg is kind of creepy.
- You gotta move on with your life.
- T.J!
Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up?
I no more man-whore.
Too much danger.
Excuse us for a moment, Deucey.
Listen up, Lil' Kim.
When your little bony ass had SARS,
who got you out of quarantine?
- Go make me some money.
- No way!
I take my three inches elsewhere.
So I thought I'd come over here
and make a killing.
Got myself a houseboat, some ho's.
The only thing a woman love
more than a man-ho...
...is a floating man-ho.
- Makes sense.
Then all these man-whore
murders started.
My he-bitches got too scared
to go to work.
What kind of world do we live in...
...where the streets ain't safe
for male prostitutes?
Here's your hashish.
- Enjoy.
- Hashish?
- Yeah.
- No.
I thought this was a coffee shop.
Let me break it down for you.
You're in Amsterdam.
If you want coffee, you go to a caf.
If you want marijuana, ganji or some
freaky-deaky, you go to a coffee shop.
That's where you is now.
Put that away. Cops. Cops!
Hold it right there.
Now, that joint looks loose.
If you want, I'll roll the next one.
Have a good evening, huh?
Oh, don't worry about it, Deucey.
This is Amsterdam.
It's perfectly legal over here.
You want a hit?
No. I'm not smoking nothing.
Oh, come on, man.
- Deucey don't smoke.
- Suit yourself.
Well, well, well,
if it ain't Heinz Hummer...
...the gigolo with the most below.
What do you want, T.J? I'm busy.
I wanna introduce you to my friend,
Deuce Bigalow.
- He's a gigolo from America.
- Hi.
Sometimes you're really funny, T.J.
How much you getting
for a Filthy Ramirez these days?
I could get you more.
A Filthy Ramirez?
Where have you been?
Nobody pays for that shit anymore.
See you around, T.J.
The Man-whore Awards
are coming up.
You wanna win the Golden Boner?
I already won it twice.
Just ask your ex-fiance.
Man, why you gotta bring up
Delisha like that?
I can't believe prostitution's
legal here.
Oh, yeah, it's big business.
They got a union, dental plan.
Man, if I had a he-bitch
like Heinz Hummer...
...put me back in the game.
- Is he that good?
- "Is he that good?"
They don't call him "Lord
of the Wangs" for nothing.
Man, what I wouldn't give...
For Heinz's wang?
No, I don't want Heinz's wang!
I want him as a client.
Hey, man, keep your voice down.
Talking about me wanting
Heinz's big juicy wang.
People would think I'm gay.
Now, a pimp's only got
one thing in this world:
His reputation.
Here you are, gentlemen.
Fresh today.
- What is this?
- Spacecake.
- Why do they call it that?
- You know...
...it's what the astronauts eat.
Like Tang.
I'm starving.
- It's a little dry.
- Keep eating. It gets better.
- You sure you don't want any?
- No.
Never been high, never gonna be.
This is pretty good cake, though.
Fucking excellent.
You.
Come on in here.
You..? You want me to..?
Yes, you.
- Maybe you can help me.
- Really?
I don't want a man who's
chiseled and sculpted.
I like soft and weak.
- You do?
- I want a man who's unemployed.
And went to a community college.
I am, and I did.
- You know what really turns me on?
- What?
Is thinking about him
in his tighty whities...
...sitting at his computer...
...and visiting different porn sites...
...and taking the free tour
with no intention of ever joining.
I don't have a credit card!
- Kiss my chest.
- Okay.
Harder!
- Bite me!
- You sure?
Harder! Bite me harder!
Get off of my titty,
you doped-up cracker!
No more spacecakes for you.
Hey. I'm sorry about that, T.J.
I must have gotten a contact buzz.
What'd I tell you about
making me look gay?
Not ten minutes go by
and you got your mouth...
...all over my breasteses.
My nipple's ruined!
You're lucky I was born with a spare.
There go one of my ho's.
The old guy in the walker's
one of your ho's?
Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass
out there making me my money?
Kaiser! Get your old ass
back in the booth!
Deucey, meet me back
at the float-crib.
Bitches out here act like
they never seen a pimp before.
I raise my hand, they look at it like
it's a goddamn croissant. Then:
Feel my pimp hand.
Where's the boat?
Oh. You scared me.
Hey. Do you know who I am?
I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo
with the most below. Okay?
I can give you a Filthy Lopez
like you never had before.
I could give you
a Cambodian Creamsicle...
...that will make you
scream all night. Okay?
But not now because I'm busy.
So leave me alone, bitch.
Wait a second. Do I know you?
"New-jizz-fizz...
...ver-bur-ger-king... "?
Heinz.
Man, are you wasted.
I gotcha.
Coming up next, more weather.
What's this?
Hey, Heinz, wake up, check this out.
Holy shit.
Europe just got a little better.
Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.
- You gotta keep your bitches in line.
- Yeah.
- What's he doing here?
- I found him passed out in the alley.
I couldn't just leave him there.
I put in a good word for you.
Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated.
I knew you'd come around.
Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed out.
Heinz is dead.
No. He can't be.
I'm telling you, Heinz is dead.
See for yourself.
Watch this.
Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper.
I can't believe you brought
a dead man-whore in my home.
- What were you thinking?
- I didn't know you could die from pot.
This is no pot-related fatality.
This is no ganja accident.
This man was murdered.
The Man-whore Killer did this?
- We gotta call the police.
- No, no, no! Hey, hey!
Goddamn, white boy.
You think the police gonna believe
a black pimp...
...had nothing to do with a dead
prosti-dude in his crib?
Before I toss your dumb ass
in the canal, I just wanna say...
...for the record,
under T.J.'s management...
...this would have never happened.
I just gotta see
what all the fuss was about.
Goddamn!
No wonder Delisha never came back.
That shit's the real
Loch Ness monster.
What's over there?
- Look where his hand is.
- What the shit is this?
What you looking at?
Turn off them damn cameras!
I ain't gay! I was only
looking down his pants...
...because I heard his schlong
was so big and juicy.
Wait a minute.
That didn't sound right.
- Perv!
- Give me them damn cameras.
Where is he?
We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld
for this special report.
The suspected Man-whore Killer...
... has been spotted
on the Prinsengracht Canal...
... attempting to dispose
of his latest victim.
- I ain't gay!
- The suspected killer...
... has been identified as
Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.
- You idiot.
- He is still at large...
- ... and extremely...
- Hold it!
Hey. Hey, guys! How's it going?
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
- Where is he?
- I swear I don't know.
Your loyalty is impressive, sir.
You've once been arrested for
man-whoring, were you not?
Look, I wasn't really man-whoring...
Please, Mr. Bigalow.
I've heard this a thousand times.
You were cold, you were frightened.
He took you under his arm
and fed you.
He made you feel sexy.
He told you how to hide money
in every orifice.
But your friend is obviously a killer.
T.J.'s not a killer.
If he isn't a murderer...
...then what was he doing
checking out a dead man's penis?
I guess he was curious.
He heard it was big and juicy...
...and wanted to see for himself.
A lot of guys do that.
No, they don't.
Okay.
T.J.'s gay.
- Really?
- Not normal-gay, but, you know...
...crazy-gay, you know?
Musical-theater-gay.
Is that why he puts lipstick...
...on all his victims?
Wait a minute.
In the alley, I heard
someone whistling.
And I saw someone.
A woman...
...in a leopard coat.
People see a lot of crazy things
when they're high on spacecake.
There's drugs in spacecake?
Mr. Bigalow, I will find your pimp
whether you help me or not.
- T.J., thank God you're here.
- How'd you find me?
It's the only chicken
and waffle place in Holland.
So a black man's gotta be
at a chicken and waffles place?
That's racist.
- But you are here.
- Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.
- It's a nice place.
- Did you know Holland invented...
...chicken and waffles?
- Really?
Before that, you could only
get chicken or waffles.
But they were the first
to put them together.
Black people all over the world will be
forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
You do know the Dutch
started the slave trade.
Those motherfuckers!
Who let them print this?
Look, we're gonna prove
that you didn't kill anyone.
I don't give a damn about that.
It's the "extremely gay" part.
If I'm a murderer, they'll welcome
me home with open arms.
Get out of jail and
become a huge rapper.
But a gay pimp?
- Like, where I'm going? Vermont?
- Look, T. J...
...I think I saw the real killer.
It was a woman.
Some she-john went
on a he-bitch killing spree...
...because she wasn't satisfied
with a Filthy Lopez.
- What's a Filthy Lopez?
- Forty bucks. Same as downtown.
All we do is find the she-johns that
went out with the dead gigolos.
- One of them is our killer.
- Makes sense.
- You gotta get back on the horse.
- Horse? What horse?
The man-whore horse.
We gonna use your
white ass as bait.
Bait? Look, I'm not man-whoring.
We'll find the killer
using your twat-sicle.
Twat-sicle? Gross! No.
Give this to my mama.
Tell her I'm sorry I was
a disappointment to her.
Sorry I called her friends
in the middle of the night...
...when I was pleasuring myself.
And tell her she don't have to worry
anymore about her baby.
Even if I wanted to, how are we gonna
find a dead gigolo's customers?
We'll go to the man-whore union.
But be careful.
They'll be looking for me.
Meeting of the Royal Order
of European Man-whores...
...is now in session.
These are the highest paid
he-bitches in Europe.
That? That's Rodrigo.
He's from Spain.
He can tie shoelaces
with his tongue.
That? That's Enzo. He's Italian.
His nutsack is insured
for a million dollars.
- That's 500 grand each.
- Check it out.
That's Assapopulus from Greece.
He can actually kiss you
with his butthole.
I'd like to never see that.
I'd like to say a few words about
our fallen comrade, Heinz Hummer.
Who's the blond guy?
Chadsworth Buckingham.
Comes from a long line of ho's.
His great-great-great grandmother
gave Henry VIII crabs.
But I know Heinz would like to be
remembered for most...
...was being a male prostitute.
- Hear, hear.
He was also a supercilious cunt.
- Who's that guy?
- Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-bitch.
Heinz Hummer was
undercutting all of us.
- What?
- Yes.
He was charging the same price
for straight sex...
...as he was for a
Turkish Snow Cone.
- What?
- Oh, yes.
He was also charging the same price
for a Belgian Steamer...
...as he was for
a Portuguese Breakfast.
As we sow, so shall we reap.
Thank you, Gian-Carlo,
for those kind words.
Until this insane killer
is apprehended...
...the union is going to institute
a new security measure.
This ring locks snugly
over your va-guy-na...
...and then communicates directly
with a global satellite system.
There are rings of all sizes available,
smaller for our Asian members.
Y'all know me.
My name is McManus.
I joined this union some
To have intercourse
in exchange for cash...
...and two, to protect me rights
as a man-whore.
But...
...three years ago...
...when this union
told we man-whores...
...that we were to stop having
intercourse with underage girls...
...I strongly disagreed.
But I did not stand up.
I'm ashamed to say I stood down!
And then three months later...
...this union told we man-whores...
...that we were to begin washing our
private areas between customers.
Our private areas.
And once again, I'm ashamed
to report to you gentlemen...
...I stood down!
But now, sir, for what am I
to tell my 8-year-old boy...
...when he comes to me
and he says:
"Daddy. Daddy.
What's that thing hanging off
of your he-pussy?"
How am I to tell him, sir?
Deucey, you can do this.
Due to high demand...
...each member will be
only allowed two tickets...
...to this year's Man-whore Awards.
- How's it going?
I'm Deuce Bigalow.
I'm a gigolo from America.
My friend Tiberius Jefferson
is not the Man-whore Killer.
Homo!
Now, I'm convinced
that the real killer...
...is a she-john.
Which means any one
of you could be next.
Now, there are a couple hundred
gigolos in this room.
Now, if we all work together...
...we can find out
who the real killer is.
What do you say?
How come you didn't
tell them I wasn't gay?
Did you not just see me
get thrown through a window?
- What do we do now?
- T.J. Has an old friend...
...who just might be able to help us.
Come on. Watch your step.
Right this way, please.
Deuce.
Antoine?
- Sit down.
- It's good to see you.
It's been a long time.
This is the list from
the man-whore union.
It's got all the clients that went out
with the dead gigolos.
Awesome!
Please be quiet. I went through
a great deal of trouble to get this.
- Sorry.
- Now, if you want to compete...
...with the European man-whores...
...you need to learn how to really
please a woman.
- I should write some of this down.
- Go ahead.
You must be able
to pleasure a woman with...
With your...
Pleasure her with..?
Do you want me to try?
All right.
Women really like that?
Man-whore down.
Get the list. It's in his pants.
All right. I think I got it.
Can't a brother stick his hand
down another man's pants...
...without setting off
the faggot alarm?
Marlene Alsmere.
She went out with Diego and Heinz.
What am I gonna do
if she tries to kill me?
Distract her with your magic she-nis,
I'll look for evidence.
The lipstick and the leopard coat.
All right. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.
Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.
Hi, I'm Deuce... Biggest lady
I've ever seen.
That's a huge bitch.
Hi.
Cute kids. Are they yours?
Those pictures, they come with the
frames. I'm unable to have children.
I'm so sorry. That must be
very hard for you.
Evidence.
That big ho got food everywhere.
You're a nice man.
Now, take off your clothes.
Don't you wanna talk a little more?
You seem very interesting.
Take them off!
"Dutch Bride. "
Baby walk to Mommy.
Come, come.
No! Like baby!
Baby walk to Mommy.
Good baby.
Come to Mommy.
Baby hungry? Want booby?
Baby never eat again.
You like them big hairy balls,
don't you?
Bad pussy! Bad pussy!
Hold it!
Hold it right there.
Is this truck full of marijuana?
Is this truck full of marijuana?
Can't you read the sign?
No unloading pot in the red zone.
Write him up.
- But, sir, it's my daughter's birthday.
- Inspector.
She's turning 13.
We need all this pot for the party.
Inspector. I got these lipsticks
from Marlene Alsmere.
She was a customer of Heinz.
She's big and strong.
- She could easily be the killer.
- The lipstick the killer uses...
...is a very rare one.
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66.
Discontinued in 1984.
But... But...
Sir, I have a list of the women who
went out with the murdered gigolos.
- Will you stop doing that?
- Will you stop playing these games...
...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding?
- T.J.'s innocent.
Oh, don't make me laugh.
"T.J.'s innocent. "
Uncle! You forgot your lunch.
That's very nice. Thanks.
- Let me... Let me help you with that.
- Thank you.
Excuse me for asking...
...but why did you
slap yourself like that?
Promise you won't laugh?
I promise.
I have obsessive
compulsive disorder.
I have these little rituals
that I can't help doing.
I can't touch doorknobs,
I snap my fingers when I see a bus.
And when someone sneezes,
I slap myself three times.
I've heard of that. That's not so bad.
I'm sorry. Bells make me do that.
It got me kicked out of school.
It's okay. Everyone's got
a few weird habits.
Actually, I've got about 130.
So you're above average.
I mean...
I'm Deuce.
I'm Eva.
Is that a Sudanese Sweetlips?
- How did you know?
- It's, like, my top-five favorite fish.
They have one
here at the aquarium.
I heard this place is incredible.
The doorknob?
I'll get it. Okay.
Thanks. Thank you.
He's beautiful.
That's really good.
Thank you.
Excuse me, but in America they don't
allow smoking in aquariums.
Well, in Europe, we don't unilaterally
attack a country just to steal their oil.
What?
"What?" Did I offend you?
Are you going to shock and awe me?
Maybe you should check my pockets
for weapons of mass destruction!
What? I just asked you
to put your cigarette out.
And then what is next?
Take wine away from my children?
I put out this cigarette.
God bless America.
The nicotine in that cigarette
is poisonous.
- So they say.
- It could kill every fish in that tank.
Poor little fishy.
Hey. Why are you with that loser?
You have a nice ass.
I think this belongs to you.
You dick!
I would like to take you from behind.
My penis is uncircumcised.
No head.
It's like a torpedo.
- You pig.
- Oh, are you tired of swimming?
Did the little fishies
not want to play with you?
Fuck off, you Yank!
I'm staying with
my uncle for the summer.
Then I go back
to art school in Brussels.
Could I take you out
for coffee sometime?
You mean like a date?
Well, yeah.
Oh, the siren.
Right. Right. Siren.
Before I can go on a date I have to
collect five different colored tulips...
...eat two herring and drink a beer
from a wooden shoe.
Well, that sounds doable.
What is it?
The accordion player?
The Smelly Finger Dance.
One cheek at a time.
Hey, guys. I need a quick gigolo fix.
What do you say?
I'm judging a sandcastle-building
competition this afternoon...
...so I can't help you.
The dog ate my penis.
You don't have to walk me
any further. I just work over there.
- I don't mind.
- I'm kind of embarrassed of my job.
I'm kind of embarrassed of my job too.
What do you do?
Bye, Deuce.
Well, well, well. If it isn't
Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.
It's Bigalow.
What's your going rate, Douche?
Well, I was getting $10.
Okay, gigolo. Do you even know
when a woman is having an orgasm?
Sure I know. It's when she says:
"Please stop. It's okay. You tried.
Now, get off me. "
I bet he doesn't even know
how to give a Sneaky Castro.
Well, that depends. If she wants it
regular sneaky or extra sneaky.
There is no such thing
as an Extra Sneaky Castro.
Is there?
It's when you stick it in their...
It's pretty convenient, your friend
killing off all the competition.
I've got my eye on you, Small-Below.
Small-Below.
I'll be right down.
Okay.
This is the woman
that went out with Heinz...
...the night before
he was murdered.
Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho.
I ain't gonna let you out of my sight.
Hi, you must be Lily. I'm Deuce.
Nice to meet you.
Would you like some bread?
Oh, I can't have bread.
It's makes my
esophageal lining swell up...
...and could block my throat-hole.
- Excuse me for a second.
- Sure.
Pardon me. I had to clear.
Yeah.
- So, what do you do?
- I just got fired.
- I'm sorry.
- I was a phone-sex operator.
I only lasted a week.
They were jealous of me.
I heard that Heinz Hummer
had a bit of a jealous streak.
I bet you're glad he's dead.
Heinz was the most
gentle man I ever knew.
I miss him and his mangina.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm sorry. I can see that
you really liked Heinz.
- Here, let me get that for you.
- Thanks.
- Let's go.
- I think I'm gonna puke.
I started smoking again
when I lost my job.
If I don't find another one pretty soon,
I'm gonna lose my house.
Well, we'll just have to find
you a new one.
- Relax. Have some wine.
- Thanks.
I don't normally drink red wine so...
I have hiccups.
- Gone down the wrong hole, I think.
- Check, please.
Deuce, I can't thank you enough.
It's good for you, it's good for them.
I'm just glad it worked out.
- I better get to work.
- I'll be hearing from you.
Okay.
The white zone is for loading
and unloading of vehicles only.
There is no parking
in the white zone.
Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night.
The white zone...
I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.
I am here for my 12:30
ass-hair bleaching.
Okay. How blond do you wanna go?
Gwyneth.
Good choice.
Oh, hey.
I got a real Janeane Garofalo
situation back there, so go for it.
So, Enzo...
...got any she-johns
lined up for tonight?
Well, I did a Chili Rainbow
last night so I'm exhausted.
What about you, Assapopulus?
I've got the herpes so...
What are you gonna do?
Liar!
- Mahmoud!
- What's your excuse?
I just realized I'm gay.
Any of you guys want a blowjob?
I do.
Well...
Okay, then. I better go
put that penis in my mouth.
You're all afraid
of the Man-whore Killer.
- No. Come on.
- No, we're not.
- Get down!
- I don't wanna die!
You really should find
a better hiding place.
Oh, you haven't heard.
- Rodrigo's been killed.
- No.
Oh, my God, why? He was just
having his ass hair bleached.
He got much more than that,
I can assure you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm very happy that Scotland Yard...
... has now joined the search
for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.
Thank you very much.
So how about this next one?
Svetlana Revenko.
The Russian women are
a little freaky down below.
Hair start in the front,
don't end till it get to the back.
So if you gotta give
a little mouth-to-south...
...put a clothespin on your nose.
I'll keep that in mind.
Wish me luck.
Gasov. You mind changing that
to the weather channel?
It's gonna be cold tomorrow.
I have been waiting for you,
Mr. Bigalow.
Aren't you afraid to work with the
Man-whore Killer on the loose?
What do you know about it?
Apparently there's some maniac
who's killing them all.
Some people say they deserve it.
What do you think?
I think everything
happens for reason.
You're probably wondering
why I'm wearing this veil.
I wasn't, but if you
wanna talk about it, cool.
I grew up in Chernobyl.
Chernobyl.
- What a pretty name.
- My mother...
...she work in nuclear reactor
when she was pregnant with me.
Instead of a nose, I was born
with an appendage on my face.
A male appendage.
No shit?
I have always been a little
self-conscious about it.
Well, you shouldn't. I mean...
A lot of women would love
to have a guy's dick on their face.
Yours is just permanent.
You are sweet.
And very handsome
for an American.
I like you.
I would love to hear
some Latin music.
Well, I'll see if the penis knows any.
I mean the pianist.
The guy playing the piano.
The band has started.
Aren't we lucky?
Damn, no lipstick.
- You smell nice. What is it?
- It's Old Nice.
It's a knockoff of Old Spice.
I like it, but I think
it makes me sneeze.
What happens when you sneeze?
Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.
Oh, good Lord.
Now is a good time to turn.
Hi.
How long are you going
to be staying in Holland?
Only until I can prove
my friend T.J.'s innocent.
Is there someone waiting
for you back home?
It's kind of hard to explain.
Would you like to meet her?
She's here in Amsterdam?
It's my wife.
I got her right here in my duffle bag.
Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.
She passed away
a couple of years ago...
...and this is all I have left
of her and I...
Nice to meet you.
She was very lucky to have
someone so devoted to her.
Hey, can I see you
when you get off work?
Oh, you know, I'd really love to,
but I'm going to be so tired.
- Bye.
- Okay.
Eva. Eva.
Did you just kiss me nine times
because you're OCD?
No. It's because I like you.
Excuse us, coming through.
What are they doing
in there, anyway?
They're making a movie.
Cool. What kind of movie?
- I better get to work.
- Okay.
In there? You work in there?
- Yeah. Well...
- Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday.
- Thank you.
- Eva. Eva. Listen...
...we really need you on the set.
All the guys are waiting.
- All the guys?
- Yeah. I can't keep them waiting.
Bye, Deuce.
I'll put your name on the list.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Back of the line, buddy.
Trust me, she's worth the wait.
It's a closed set,
you can't come in.
Like hell I can't.
Get off her, you little freak!
Eva, you don't have to do this.
Hey, I agreed to one midget,
not two!
Deuce?
Eva, you don't have to do this.
Do what?
- This.
- What?
This.
You painted that?
I'm a scenic artist.
So that's what you do here.
Hey, little friend.
I guess I owe you a big...
Stoner Steve here! Who wants
to get high? Stoner Steve!
- T.J., is that you?
- Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude.
I've went out with every girl
on that list in Holland.
- Find the rest of those bitches.
- Those women live in other countries.
Goddamn, white boy! Pack up that
snatch-pole and go find the real killer!
Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Caf!
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, look at that.
Look at that, right there.
Are you sure?
T.J., there you are.
The girl with the giant ears
heard Heinz talking...
...about some photo in the man-whore
society. We gotta get in there.
- Why aren't you in disguise?
- I'm in disguise.
I'm in blackface.
- But you're black.
- Yeah, but I'm disguised...
...as a different black guy.
- You look the same.
- What you trying to say?
- We all look alike?
- No, that's not it.
You're such a racist. I got half a mind
to stop helping you save me.
Come on. Jeez, let's go.
Excuse me. This is a private club.
Man-whores only.
Hey, I'm a real good man-whore.
Just go ask your mama.
Still. I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
That's what your mama said
after I bang her.
Okay, that's it.
Go, go, go!
Hey, your mama is in here.
It's okay. I know
what I'm talking about.
If you're going to stick two in there,
you're gonna need a lot of lubricant.
I know what I'm talking about, huh?
Okay, I gotta go now, Ma.
Hey, this thing is locked.
Man! I only heard about this place.
This is where
man-whoring all started.
Check it out. You know who this is?
He was the first guy
to keep from shooting his load...
...by thinking about sports.
This guy, here?
Baron Von Doggy Style.
Led a pimping expedition
to the Arctic Circle.
Froze to death
sixty-nining a moose.
The only thing left of him
is this stick...
...which he used
to bitch-slap Eskimos.
Now, this brother here,
Kunta Kuntlicker.
He's the Jackie Robinson
of ass-eating.
Vladmir Suckmeov.
The first man-ho in space.
They were studying...
...the effects of zero gravity
on the reach-around.
- Will you cut it out?
- I'm sorry. This is my Graceland.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Hey, check this out.
That's the blond lady with the
leopard coat. This must be the killer.
So, what are you going to wear
to the Man-whore Awards?
I thought I'd go with a tux and satin
chaps with my ass-plug cuff link...
- You left the trophy case open again.
- Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.
Deucey.
- I gotta fart.
- You gotta what?
- I gotta fart.
- Well, hold it.
I hear something.
I think the building is squeaking.
Maybe it's a bird.
You idiot!
- Go.
- Bigalow!
Security! Stop them!
T.J.
- Move the curtain!
- What the hell?
Somebody smoked a he-bitch!
- Enzo? He kill Enzo.
- No, no, I didn't do it.
What is that?
That is not a dick in my hand.
Anybody got some antibacterial gel?
I got burnt dick on my hand.
Eva. Eva.
- I'm in the shower.
- T.J.'s been arrested.
I can't hear you!
I'll be out in a minute!
In his gayest murder yet, the
homosexual Man-whore Killer...
... murdered famed gigolo
Enzo Giarraputo.
Our meteorologist Truus is sick today.
Filling in is Henk van de Berg.
What's the matter?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Like what?
I'll get that. I was a
Boy Scout for almost a week.
So is your uncle home?
No. We're completely alone.
Would you like some cheese?
I'm lactose intolerant.
Why are you so jumpy?
Maybe I can help you relax.
You're shaking.
Maybe it's because I'm cold.
I can fix that.
Why don't you pour us a drink.
So I guess we're all alone, huh?
Yes.
Deuce. You're scaring me.
Eva.
Listen, everything I'm about to do
is because I really care for you.
Oh, Deuce.
Now, I don't know why...
I don't know why you've done this, but
I'm gonna give you everything I've got.
Deuce?
- Don't go in there. Stop!
- Gaspar. Gaspar.
I know who the killer is.
I know who the killer is.
I know who the killer is.
I knew sooner or later
someone would figure it out.
I'm sorry I have to be
the one to tell you.
It's Eva.
It's Eva?
You mean my niece Eva?
I know it sounds crazy...
...but I found the lipstick.
The same lipstick the killer used.
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66,
at your house.
And you found it in the pocket
of a trench coat hanging in the closet?
Exactly. Plus, I heard her whistling the
same song I heard the killer whistle.
Like:
Now, you tell me.
Why would anyone but the killer...
...be whistling that specific song?
The odds would be astronomical.
Maybe the song
got stuck in her head...
...because she overheard
the real killer whistling it.
And maybe the real killer
is someone...
...very near and dear to her,
though she doesn't realize.
Sure. Or maybe the Hamburglar did it
and escaped with the Great Pumpkin.
Look, I understand this must be
very difficult for you...
...to be out-thunk
by a civilian like myself.
But we have to put
our egos aside right now...
...and do what's best for Eva.
She's clearly ill
and she needs our help.
You're absolutely right.
You know, the only thing
I can't think of is motive.
I mean, what could she
have against man-whores?
Maybe because they represent
a decline of this once glorious city...
...which has become a new Sodom
and Gomorrah for rich college kids...
...to smoke hash, to fornicate
with Venezuelan hookers...
...or to defecate on our
historic cobblestone streets.
They don't defecate on the streets.
Well, how do you know he's a tourist?
I mean, he could be a local.
Where is Eva now?
She's at your house.
Good.
Do you really think you need
all those weapons?
She doesn't seem that dangerous.
- You're not gonna hurt her, are you?
- You can never be too careful.
- That poor guy.
- What a dipshit.
Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men
of Europe can breathe easy...
Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men
of Europe can breathe easy...
... safe in the knowledge that all
of the continent's finest gigolos...
... are right here under one roof,
all asking:
"Who is gonna walk away
with the Golden Boner?"
In this car, we have Assapopulus
and his date for the evening.
- Damn it.
- His mother.
She's the woman that made me
start into prostitution...
...made me go into prostitution.
I wanted to become a doctor, but...
Uncle, you home?
What a beautiful couple,
mother and man-whore.
"Man-Whore Awards"?
Please welcome your host for this
evening. Johnny Vaughan.
Thank you very much. Can I just say,
ladies, gentlemen, man-whores...
... a night where we celebrate guys
who can get wood no matter what.
Do you know,
they have gay-pride days.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
- I'm going to kill them all.
- But why?
Don't you see what's happening
to our country?
But it's murder.
During the final number, when these
man-whores are gathered on-stage...
...I push this little button and:
Bye-bye, gigolos.
Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime
on your good friend Deuce Bigalow.
I won't let you!
If you wanna stop me...
...it's as simple as touching
this doorknob.
- Where's Eva?
- Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.
- I'm going there too.
- I'm coming with you.
Yes. Yes, you should be there too.
Now let me give you all
the lowdown on T.J.
Now let me give you all
the lowdown on T.J.
In Thailand, I got a job in a carnival
sideshow, eating broken glass.
We did six shows a day.
That's a lot of broken glass.
And it's all collected in the lining
of my anus.
My ass is like one big,
nasty cheese grater.
Here to perform his signature move,
the Chili Rainbow...
...would you please welcome
Assapopulus Borealis.
Deuce!
Deuce! Right here!
- Hey, Eva's right behind us.
- Deuce, stop!
What are you doing?
She's right back there.
- He's the killer!
- What?
You're with the killer!
- I'm with the dealer?
- He's the Man-whore Killer!
Eighteen-wheeler?
My uncle is the killer!
Oh! I'm with the... You're the k...
She says that I am the killer,
you stupido.
But why? What did man-whores
ever do to you?
What did they do to me?
All my life I dreamed
of being one thing: A gigolo.
Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.
I'll never forget that day. Never.
It was my first semester
at Man-whore University.
Now, today, class...
...we shall learn how to give a lady
a proper Portuguese Breakfast.
You take an egg and you crack it.
You mix them up.
Now, this is a good chance
to sweet-talk the client.
- And?
- And we pour that in there.
- Beautiful. Very nice, now. And...
- And don't forget the Canadian bacon.
Canadian bacon.
I was getting to that.
- What are you doing?
- It's a penis enlarger.
Just a few pumps
and it gets your thing bigger.
You mind if I give myself
a few pumps?
Go nuts.
There we go. So there you have it.
Tell me. How was your
Portuguese Breakfast?
Delicious.
- Elsa?
- Gaspar?
They knew she was my fiance.
And tonight I will get my revenge.
Leave it!
I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Are you okay?
- Stop! Stop!
Police business.
Come on, we gotta stop him.
Stop! Stop! Man-whore business.
Before we present the award for
Man-whore of the Year...
...let's take a moment to honor those
gigolos who have recently passed.
Hey, Daddy. I was looking in your
underwear drawer and I found...
...this bracelet.
Holy mother of God.
That's not a bracelet, boy.
That is a device that your daddy
has to wear on his he...
His he...
His he...
Happy birthday, son,
you got a bracelet.
Great.
Let's go. Come on.
Now the award you've all
been waiting for:
The Man-whore of the Year.
Listen. Go get help. I'll get
all the gigolos off the stage.
Okay. Good luck.
Excuse me.
You have to get off the stage
now or you'll all be killed!
Get the hell out of here, Douche,
before I have you thrown out.
- There's a bomb on the stage!
- You idiot.
You're all gonna die!
I'm the Man-whore Killer.
This is a bomb!
Everybody out!
Everybody get out!
You gotta get out of here!
You'll die with the rest
of them, Bigalow.
Those gigolos robbed me
of my manhood.
I was never able to satisfy a woman.
I'll see to it that they won't either.
You don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar.
Because you can please a woman.
Those gigolos don't know
what they're talking about.
Is he talking about us?
Do you really think
all a woman wants...
...is some guy to give her
a Mud Pretzel...
...or Turkish Snow Cone
or an Irish Facial?
- Yes, they do, liar.
- No, they don't.
A woman wants a guy who'll ask her
about her day and really listen to her.
- Or at least pretend to.
- Yes.
What?
When she's hurting...
...ask her how she feels.
- Cry with her.
- Yeah!
These gigolos are just
ripping women off!
I've never had any complaint
from any of those freaks!
I faked it.
A woman doesn't care
if you wear a Rolex watch...
...or have a gigantic schlong
like Heinz Hummer.
This guy knows his shit.
What are you doing?
Anyone else?
If you let a woman know you care,
maybe she'll give you an Irish Facial.
We will die together, man-whore.
- You don't have to do this.
- They ruined my life.
- Give me the detonator.
- No.
My penis exploded.
Okay, that's a tough one.
I'll give you that.
But having a penis
is way overrated. Trust me.
No. No.
Gaspar!
Are you okay?
We did it.
That's the grossest thing
I've ever seen.
And I've seen some
pretty gross things.
- In the car.
- Put your head down.
- In the car.
- Put your head down.
I'll be seeing you again, man-whore.
Deuce, you saved
the Man-whore Society.
The Golden Boner belongs to you.
Thanks. I'm... That's very...
This belongs to you too.
Hang it to the left.
You gonna eat that?
- Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.
So I guess this means
you're a real gigolo now.
I don't want you
to treat me differently.
How much would you
charge me for a kiss?
Well, the first one's always free.
- Deuce!
- What?
Oh, no. No, it's...
It's just this.
Deucey!
Thank you, Jesus.
Did anybody hurt you in there?
Oh, you asking if I got ass-punked.
Is that what's happening right now?
- Not if you don't wanna talk about it.
- Well, turns out I'm not that attractive.
Well, you've been cleared
of murder...
...but people still think you're gay.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Don't tell nobody I'm not gay.
Look at it:
T.J., the gay man's pimp.
I mean, I'm gonna corner the market.
Check out my new bitches.
- Hello, darling.
- Hi, sweetie.
Love you.
Let's get chicken and waffles.
My treat.
So the first thing a brother wants
out of prison is chicken and waffles?
- Oh, come on.
- Get your she-cocks back to work.