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Diamantino (2018)
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When I was really young, my daddy... liked to take me to see churches, gardens, palaces... Things like that. He wasn't too religious, but he really liked churches. He enjoyed looking at the painted ceilings. He'd say: "Diamantino, these paintings are sublime! They're so very beautiful that... they give people faith!" His favorite ceiling was the Sistine Chapel. He told to me how, today, there are no more painters like Mr. Michelangelo. Not anymore. He told me the greatest art there is today is created here, in this new cathedral. My daddy always told me that today's Michelangelo is me. But me, paint? No way. I can't say I have a knack for anything of that sort. My daddy always told me: "What you do out there on the field is sublime! You do such wonderful, wonderful things, that you give people faith." And he's right. I think something wonderful happened when I played. Something transcendental. Everything fused together. The grass, the fans. And I was the only one. Me and the fluffy puppies. So, Son... Talk to me. Are you nervous? Tomorrow's the World Cup Final. You want to bring Portugal the trophy? What do you say? You may win, or lose, but I will always love you. I will always love you. My daddy always kept an eye on me. He and the whole world. Everyone did. My fans, the paparazzi... And even those guys with the secret police... The Portuguese Secret Service. God, Aisha... you scared me. I got it from the guy in the haunted house. It was so cool... I loved it! At that point, I had no idea that these two lovebirds were spying on me. Who's that sweet little thing? It's Diamantino, football player. What did he do? Money laundering. Check out that idiot. Tino! Get me a towel. Two! -Two towels! -We are two, we need two towels. Move, Diamantino! Bring us a towel. -Go on, quick! -Move! -Help us out! -Come help me... Diamantino, come help your sisters. God, oh God! What good are those muscles of yours? Come on! These are my sisters. They're the same. When they got angry, I couldn't tell them apart. And they were always angry. Let's go. You get her a drink and what about me? We are two, you fool! Go on, get me two drinks! Is it too much to ask? -What are those? -They're refugees. "Fugees"? What's that? What's that? People who flee and end up floating on water. I was not a very informed person. I knew nothing besides football. I had no idea that there were people adrift like that. No country to live in, no water to drink. Come with me! Gimme your hand. In that little rubber boat was a woman... who had lost her son at sea. My God! I had never seen such sadness in someone's eyes. Never. But when I found myself, I was playing the last minutes of the World Cup Final. These are the last five minutes of the 2018 World Cup, in Russia. Portugal is losing by one point. Will Sweden be the winner of this championship? Diamantino has the ball! He runs! Is this it? Will this be it? Diamantino can take the miracle shot! The heavenly goal! The golden one! Diamantino seems hurt. We'll stand by for any new information. Diamantino was going for it and fell. Did he fake it? -What's this idiot saying? -He hurt himself. It looks like there was contact. It's hard to say, but Diamantino was targeted by the Swedish hyenas... -It doesn't matter if he wins or loses. -What do you mean? -Of course it does! -No, it doesn't. -If he loses, we lose our money. -You're ungrateful. Shut up! Let me hear this! A tragedy only parallel to that of the Greeks. The paramedics are on the field. Will this be the end for Portugal? -You'll lose if you keep faking it! -It doesn't matter, he... Shut up! Your son's problem was choosing you as his agent! Do you know into what you turned your son? A fucking coward! You two aren't worth a thing. Aren't we? So we're two fucking cows? It's your fault he's like that. You turned him into a coward piece of shit! -You just want his money. -Oh really? That's just grand. Ah great... You know what? You're not his agent anymore. Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening? -Never mind... -Is he playing dead? -Just like his son. -Throw yourself on the ground! He must be very hurt. I don't think he's breathing. Wait. He's not breathing. I can't believe this. No! The phoenix rises again! Diamantino stands up. Diamantino is back in the game. The referee calls for a penalty kick for Portugal. What an incredible moment! My God... The moment is electrifying. You can feel everyone's presence in the stadium. What energy! What frenzy! What a beautiful feeling! And Diamantino, the genius, the Zeus on the field, sends a jolt of lightning to each one of the spectators. Who would have predicted this? Diamantino has a 95% rate of success with penalty kicks. One minute left in the World Cup. One minute to save Portugal! If Diamantino scores, the game goes into overtime. Yeah, my head was in the clouds. It was as if... I had fog all around me. And the fluffy puppies began to disappear. Everyone's anxious, waiting for the penalty kick. Diamantino has been standing still for more than a minute. He finally seems ready to take the shot. A very tense moment for both teams. Will he be able to tie the game? He's getting ready... A great defense! Fuck off! Up yours, Diamantino! -Son of a whore! -Go fuck yourself! This is a deeply tragic moment for Portugal. There's only one man responsible for it: Diamantino, the King! The angel who fell to Earth. Are you sure you don't want to come? -It's too sad! -It's too sad! I love you so much, Daddy. I'm going to miss you so much. I'd like to make you a proposition. We want to include your brother in an experimental program that will make you a lot of money. How much? Listen... Can we talk later? We have to hang up. Why don't the Madams come by the ministry so we can go over the details? -Send us an estimate. -Yes. An estimate, please. -I just had an epiphany. -A "phany"? What's that? Ideas. -I'm quitting football. -No! -You're going to do what? -Was that the "phany"? Is that what a "phany" is? This is what Daddy wanted. Daddy wanted... How can you be so selfish? Tino! So, what did you think of my proposition? -We loved it. -Yes. Diamantino will be our icon and then, he'll be cloned by the party. Do whatever the fuck you want. We don't give two shits. Where do we sign? A van will pick up Diamantino every other day. MATILDE LAMBORGHINI LAMBORGHINI GENETICS I don't have anyone in the world, Piruas. This was a tragic week for Portugal. Diamantino Matamouros, the world's biggest football player, went from god to naught in a few days. The internet is an avalanche of Diamantino memes calling him a crybaby, a baby in pooped diapers and one who drinks from a baby bottle. Diamantino's career is virtually over, but his fame as a meme phenomenon has just begun-- After another great tragedy this past week, there's been a great number of refugees arriving in Europe. They arrive by land from Turkey, or on shoddy boats, from the Mediterranean. 13% of the refugees are children, most of whom are alone or orphans who lost their families at sea. The Catholic Center of Saint Vincent has built a temporary shelter for refugee children. The Center accepts adoption requests from new foster parents. The adopted children... -So, Diamantino? -Get up, Diamantino Get up, let's go! You're late for your interview. -More information on the website... -Did you hear me? The Center expects more children in the next weeks. I'm not going to the interview. I'm sad. I'm thinking about Daddy. We know how you feel. -We're really sad too... -Yes, very. We found you a doctor. Dr. Lamborghini. Dr. Lamborghini? What for? Like your car. She can help you get back into the zone. -Into your flow. -Into my flow? -Your talent. -Your mojo. Your space, you know? Then I'll be able to see the puppies again? You'll be able to see whatever you want, my dear. We'll buy you all the puppies you want. You can have it all. -You deserve it all. -Your puppies... Good morning. From this moment, you're in the company of Gisele, live from Lisbon, Portugal. Today my guest is... Diamantino Matamouros. Diamantino, you wrote on Twitter: "I'll answer all the questions honestly." Have you decided to give up your professional career? Yes or no? Yes. Let's talk about your father. A single father. He was the one who raised you, he was also the one... who taught you how to play football. He was really important in your life, wasn't he? He saw you miss that crucial penalty kick for Portugal. In the World Cup. It was also at that moment that he didn't resist... a heart attack... and died. Let's watch those moments once more, Diamantino? You're doing great, Daddy! Great one, champ! My champion! These images are very hard to watch, Diamantino. Pardon me, Mrs. Gisele. I really miss my daddy. I miss my daddy so much. I remember the last time I was with him, on our yacht... And some people appeared, some "fugees"... "Fugees". And there are people who can't swim. They can't swim... And my father tried to save them. I just want to do good. I just want to help the "fugees". I want to adopt a little "fugee" just for me. Diamantino, what you're saying, on national television, to everyone out there, is that you want to adopt a refugee? Yes... I'm adopting a "fugee". And I'm going to give him all the love in the world. From where is this refugee? Could be anywhere. Could be from Canada. Isn't he that player? Yeah... It's Diamantino. So now he wants to adopt children? Guys like these make me nauseous, really. I want one for myself, to give him all the love and affection in the world! Well, I gotta go check on my drones. I've already found a place to stay in Bangkok, for our honeymoon. I'm so happy. Are you not? I'll give him crepes with Nutella, I'll give him Um Bongo, everything! I'll raise him like a miniature Diamantino. And we have to do good for these people, because they have nothing. Not a thing, nada. And we have everything. I feel like I've got everything. God gave me everything. Aisha thought I wanted to adopt a refugee just to charm people.. So everyone would like me more. So she had a crazy idea. And her boss eventually complied with her. Shortly thereafter came the day when my life turned upside down. Lucia pretended to be a nun at the Adoption Center, and Aisha disguised herself as Rahim, a refugee boy. Me? I played my usual role: The pack horse. I've been waiting all my life for this moment. To find you. My whole life! I'm getting sad, and so are you. We shouldn't feel sad. We should be happy. I'll treat you very well, give you everything. I'll never let you go. Come. Let me show you your new home. Thank you, Mrs. Lucia. Good luck. Goodbye, Rahim. Thank you, Diamantino. Lucia's heart throbbed like a lizard's. This was a scary operation... and her lover was getting herself into some dangerous stuff. No one had any idea of the nightmare that awaited us. If there's one thing I can say for sure is that Aisha was a really good actress. Indeed she was. But she was also taken by surprise. I was very nervous about being someone's daddy. Very nervous. Rahim also seemed to be nervous. But when I turned my back and he was alone in the room, Rahim turned into Aisha and began to work. Her investigation. Natasha! Sonia! -That way, go! -Over there! -Are you insane? -Fuck! Over there, look. -Come on, grab it! -No, wait! -Go on, move! -No, no! Pig, please! Sis! Rahim's here! Come meet Rahim. Did you adopt a brat? I mean... everyone's telling the refugees to go away and you bring one here? What were you thinking when you adopted a boy? We thought you were going to do it to win over your fans. Shit! Are you listening? You fucker! Piece of shit! Faggot! Come back here! Tino! My sisters abused me. They treated me badly, beat me up, yelled... Those kinds of things. But I loved them both. Loved... I want you to meet Rahim. -Hello, dear. -So, you're Rahim. Rahim, is it? Rahim. Is it? Give auntie a kiss, will ya? What sweet lips! Is he mute? Deaf? Leave Rahim alone. -Shut up! -Shut up! I was very sad because they weren't sweet with Rahim. So, I decided to give my son a gourmet welcome. I gave him a tall glass of Bongo... and waffles with Nutella and whipped cream. Those kinds of things. There you go. A Bongo! And a crepe with Nutella. Thank you. Tell me if you like it. This is your daddy's favorite. Is it good? Were you hungry? And the Bongo, you like it? Do you know the Bongo song? Don't you have Bongo in Mozambique? No. Is it good? You were hungry. Daddy's got a gift for you. Wanna see? Close your eyes. Know what this is? Samsung Galaxy 9! It's the 9, latest model. -Let's take a picture. -Yes, yes. You have to make a face like... Make a handsome face, a deep one. Make the face of a fish. I was having horrible dreams about the refugees. And while I was having nightmares, Aisha got back to work. She was an expert with computers. She even had tools to monitor my offshore accounts. CRACKING PASSWORD SEARCH: OFFSHORE BANKING APPLICATION But she didn't find anything because I had nothing offshore. I didn't know what an offshore account was. PRIVATE TINO DON'T LOOK!!!! I only had pictures of puppies and cute things. SEND FILES: UPLOADING Aisha thought it was funny. Then she sent the photos to Mrs. Lucia. And Mrs. Lucia thought it was very funny and laughed. But who doesn't like cute animals? VOTE YES FOR LEAVING THE EU PORTUGAL NEVER WAS SMALL After my daddy died, my sisters became my agents. I didn't know they were stealing from me. They sent all my money to a secret account in Panama. I was afraid when I met Dr. Lamborghini. Scared. She walked in the water. And had some little animals that she was researching... Small shells that talked, some cucumbers that walked... And these fishies with zebra stripes. It was all very strange. And it seems I was her new guinea pig. Take off your clothes. Apparently, the doctor wanted to discover the source of my talent on the field. Start mapping the brain. Locate brain activity. Initializing brain mapping. -How is your diet? -It's normal... Oreos and crepes with Nutella... And waffles too. Bongo. Do you like boys or girls? I like girls and I like boys. I like both. And I also like animals. I have a kitty cat, but I didn't bring him. His name's Piruas. Very well. When was the last time you had sex? The last time? I never did it! I don't do that. Might be nice. But it must be hard. Dr. Lamborghini? The genetic code inserted into Diamantino's body to reveal genes associated with his athletic performance presents a risk of creating unwanted physical deformities. I need more information. The genes of the clownfish are interspersed with genes responsible for hermaphroditism in this species. As a result, Diamantino may develop breasts. Do you wish to continue or skip? Show brain activity. Of course, Dr. Lamborghini. All brain activities are running at 10% of the normal level. This is peculiar. He has the cognitive abilities of a child and a strong sense of compassion. Diamantino, can you describe what you see on the field? I see the usual things. The goal, the grass... I also see the referee... and puppies... ...the fuzzy kind. -Fuzzy puppies? -Yes. Doggies. -Can you draw them? -I can. At the end of the appointment, the doctor asked me to draw the fuzzy puppies. I think I drew them quite well. Do you want me to draw Piruas too? Rahim! Were you on another continent? -Your daddy's cat shat here. -He made a mess. Since you love your daddy so much... clean it up. Rahim, what are you doing? You don't have to clean! They can clean it. You'll never pick up a mop in this house again, understand? Never! From that day on, I swore to myself never to lose sight of Rahim again. So I took him to the filming of a pretty weird commercial. I did a lot of publicity in this life. A lot! But at that point, I confess I didn't understand very well what that particular one meant. Diamantino, you must believe that you're King Don Sebastian, the Christian savior of the Portuguese. We've been through this. You must feel that every single cell of your body craves the blood of the Moors. You have to desire to wipe this pestilent race off the face of the Earth! Now's the magic hour. Let's roll! Sound... Camera... Rolling... Action! Keep going up... Now, take out your sword. One, two, three! You did it! This is a victory for Portugal! Watch out! It's the Moors! Fight! Diamantino, behind you! Now, move the sword! What are you doing? You're not supposed to die. You're not dead, Diamantino! Cut! The day's over! Those were very good times, I had a lot of fun. But I had no idea she was getting closer to me, winning over my heart, just so she could screw me over. To screw me over. Aisha, in the role of Rahim, was winning my confidence, my affection, my love. And I mistakenly thought it was reciprocal. Too mistakenly... He was a formidable person. He was my hero, my inspiration. I wish you could've met him. He was a very special person. Don't laugh! This is your daddy in his prime! -Did you have many girlfriends? -No. You think I did? Your daddy is a lonely person. -Never married? -No. And I don't want to either. And I won't. Don't want to. Daddy loves you very much. See you tomorrow. I also love you very much, Daddy. This love that I was feeling, which was growing between me and my little boy, reminded me of childhood. Like my love for my daddy. He offered me beautiful moments. Very beautiful. But it was not going to last forever. Mrs. Lucia was upset to see us so happy. Mrs. Lucia, how are you? How's everything? I need to ask Rahim a few questions. -It should take an hour or so. -Feel free. Don't worry. Thank you very much. Aisha... Are you okay, my love? -Did he hurt you? -He can't hurt a fly. Are you alright? Do we have enough evidence to arrest him? I don't want you to stay here any longer. He's innocent. How come? I think it's his sisters who have offshore accounts. I need to investigate both, but I need more time. We're very close. He won't come in. Mrs. Lucia was missing Aisha very much. And this meddling in my life was creating problems in their relationship. Aisha, no! No! Stop it. If you really liked me, you would've become a drone pilot. Lucia wanted Aisha to take on an office job, something less risky. But Aisha had fire in her belly. And a lot of it. MINISTRY OF MEDIA PROJECT DIAMANTINO Natasha & Sonia Matamouros GmbH. SEARCH PROJECT DIAMANTINO ACCESS DENIED EXECUTE CRACK ACCESS GRANTED Dear leaders of the Portuguese National Front. My name is Helena Guerra, the party's marketing director. Six months to go before the EU referendum that decides our exit. Project Diamantino is doing formidably well. Phase one, the advertising campaign, is already in production. Phase two, the cloning of Diamantino, is on its way at Lamborghini Genetics. The scientists have analyzed Diamantino's brain in order to understand his genius, his power. And by synthesizing his DNA, replicate it. Giving birth to a team of clones of Diamantino that will annihilate any team, bringing joy to our country through football, the opium of the people! For a happier Portugal! For a more xenophobic Portugal! So that at the right moment, our people vote "yes", for the EU exit! So here is our appeal: Leaders of the National Front, approve the budget of an additional 19 million Euros for phase two of Project Diamantino. For the cloning of Diamantino. Thank you! Daddy, where do you go every afternoon? I visit Dr. Lamborghini for some physical tests. My sisters told me to. But I find it very odd, I dunno. You know, Rahim... I'll tell you this. I think... you're the only one I can trust. The only one. Good night, Rahim. Lucia... Where's Aisha? She should have been here by now. I assure you she takes this proposition very seriously. Lucia, the Diamantino case is our top priority right now. Aisha hacked into the government server last night. I know. Aisha opened Mrs. Pandora's box. And the boss, of course, thought she had gone too far. Aisha? Aisha! Hashisha? What the fuck is that? Lucia, calm down. You want me to calm down? You're in bed with the suspect! And you illegally accessed the government servers. What are you doing? I found the address of a laboratory and I'm investigating. I hope you're having a great time with this case. -Lucia. -Aisha, go fuck yourself! Aisha? Did the nun just say "go fuck yourself, Aisha"? What a cunt! -It's a woman... -It's a woman... What a bitch! It was the last day of filming and... I was looking in the mirror and... I noticed some strange little limp, here in my chest. Holy Mother of God! Is Diamantino ready? So, this is the part where Diamantino says: "Together we will make Portugal great again." Then you walk over to the ball, kick it, score a goal and then celebrate like you did in the World Cup and the Euro Cup. Then you take off your shirt and say: "We all deserve a second chance. I deserve a second chance. Portugal needs a second chance!" Let's go! Mr. Guerra? Just a... I have a small issue with the... I have small lumps here on... my chest. And I'm very ashamed. I don't want to show my body. -Can I do it with...? -Let's shoot! Everyone in position. Sound... Camera... Action! Together, we can make Portugal great again. Take the goddamn shirt off, Diamantino! We all deserve a second chance. I deserve a second chance. Portugal also deserves a second chance. Cut! VOTE YES FOR THE WALL The Minister was shocked by my small lumps. But apparently, she was okay with it, because the ad was aired on the next day. My name is Diamantino, the best player of the World Cup. You may have already noticed that Portugal is going through difficult times... since the economic crisis of 2008. Since then, the Troika and the EU have forced Portugal to give them our money. 30 million Euros per week! In exchange for what? Open borders, lack of sovereignty... And Portugal is coming to a breaking point. But it wasn't always so. Portugal was great once. When our valiant leaders eliminated the infidels in the Crusades. It was all ours! It was fantastic! And it was all thanks to the solid walls of our great empire. But now our splendorous nation is faced with a new Crusade. We are being invaded and looted. Together, we can make our Portugal great again! Build a stronger wall. We all deserve a second chance. I deserve a second chance. Portugal also deserves a second chance. Vote YES to leave the European Union. Vote YES for the wall. Wow! What a killer ad! But Aisha and I had more important things to deal with. I had my lumps, Aisha had her investigation. Close your eyes. Dr. Lamborghini, the clownfish's genes are becoming increasingly problematic. They may cause more disturbances to Diamantino's body. Breast growth is at risk of accelerating, and the doses of hormones can be fatal. Relax... and free the mind, Diamantino. Let your subconscious guide you. Don't inhibit your thoughts. Let your visions appear as they do on the field, even though they might seem strange. Diamantino? Diamantino, what are you thinking about? What are you thinking about, Diamantino? My son... -We're online. -Wait! -She's a dyke. -A dyke. Fucking nun. What a whore! Ugh, this is disgusting... The investigation is over, Aisha. I'm pulling the plug. We can't stop now. The Minister is involved. This matter is outside our jurisdiction. Yes, but we won't let Diamantino die. The Secret Service is not responsible for the health of wealthy players. No! -Goodbye, Aisha. -Wait! Please, wait! Hello, my dear. Don't you want to play? Let's play catch! Catch! Don't you want to play with your aunts? Come on. Oh deary. You wanted cash, didn't you? Take it! Take it! Are you looking for this? So? Is it Rahim or Aisha? Oh, my love... You thought you were going to fool us? Is this what you like? Poor little refugee! Are you going to kiss daddy? -Fucking dyke. -Give daddy a kiss. Butch piece of shit. Natasha! Turn off the music. You can tell us everything. I noticed that you're not well. We are family. You have to trust us. Come on, let's go. -What is going on? -Come on. Something's up. -I dunno... -Tell me! I don't want to continue treatment with Dr. Lamborghini. No need to hit me! Natasha, calm down. She hurts the fishies! What!? Here's a fishie! She hurts the little fishies. I don't like it there. And there's some lumps growing up here. Do you think we are idiots? I'll show you lumps! So, there are lumps growing? It would be nice if something grew in your brain. That would be nice. So what do we do? We bleed the pig. When I saw my son bruised like that, I almost fell apart. Honestly. I wished I could disappear from this world. You never told me about your past. Never. I'm from Cape Verde. Cape Verde? You told me you were from Mozambique. Can I sing a Cape Verdean song? I think you'll like it. Do you sing? You can't sing. Don't be a liar. You don't know how to sing. I've never heard you sing. Never! So sing it, go on. I want to hear it. This one is very sad. I'll sing another one. It's beautiful. I like it, it's very pretty. Piruas likes it too. Piruas likes this song. Dance with the Piruas, not me! I can't dance to this stuff. My poor heart was in an emotional roller coaster. The happiest moment of my life... followed by the most disturbing. Never... I had never felt such love. True love. Romantic. Passionate love. But the moment I found love, I also found disgust. DON'T TRUST RAHIM. HER NAME IS AISHA. SHE AND THE NUN ARE STEALING FROM US. I felt an enormous disgust, violent even. Like a knife to my heart. Love, disgust... and finally, betrayal. Betrayal. Tides of new feelings. Where are we going? -I'm very confused. -Stay calm. I don't know what to do. Diamantino! Just a minute. Player 10: online. Player 11: online. Dr. Lamborghini, all players are connected to Diamantino. We can start transferring genes to the Golden Team. I must warn that Diamantino will not survive the transfer. His body is saturated with hormones. He won't make it. I don't care. Do your job and shut up. I've already told you, Minister Ferro, Diamantino's brain is completely empty. Dr. Lamborghini, if you don't replicate Diamantino's talent, Portugal will fall into oblivion again. So, do your job. Dr. Lamborghini, a Lamborghini just pulled up at the entrance. Aisha! Aisha! Oh, my dear. GENETIC TRANSFER FAILED At that moment, I was almost dying. Then I felt her touch. I felt that touch of love. And then I... I resurrected. I felt her warmth. A touch of truth. And like my daddy always said: "Love has reasons which reason cannot understand." And only at that moment did I understand the meaning of that phrase. And voil! I returned to this familiar world. Only this time, I wouldn't stay in it. I came back to say goodbye to the fuzzy little puppies. So how am I doing? I don't know, I'm... Now, at this moment... I don't know. We're happy. Period. Aisha and I. We're happy together. armyofmeisbliss |
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