THE THINGS WE HAVE IN COMMON
I'm not that weird.
Some of my ideas might sound
a little weird, but...
She's obsessed!
Go ahead and nod,
but she is.
What happens to unworn clothes?
She goes crazy every season.
Her clothes won't fit!
Wool is made from elastic fibers,
it shrinks.
She didn't gain weight,
her clothes shrunk!
Chocolate is not fattening.
It helps you lose weight.
The energy makes you more active
and you burn fat.
She pigs out on chocolate
every night.
It's my fault she gains weight.
I put too much oil on her salad!
Pictures change.
At first you hate yourself.
Months later you realize
you've changed.
What are you like in pictures?
You are what you are!
A few months later,
you are what you were.
Big deal!
Pictures improve with time.
Okay, so we get older...
But I don't want to face that.
Life is too short to waste
on mistakes.
You have to plan everything to a "T".
Life is too short to waste
on planning everything.
You gotta be flexible!
The only way to keep control
is to be organized.
The only way to keep control
is to be unorganized.
The only way to keep control...
- is to be unorganized.
- You're right.
I lost my lighter.
Being jealous means you're afraid
to lose the other person.
Being jealous means you don't trust
the other person.
So when you're jealous,
it's love!
If there's no trust,
you're not in love!
THEY DON'T MAKE LOVE
LIKE THEY USED TO
- When did you find out?
- At the video store.
I pick a movie and Andrea says
we've seen it.
Maybe he saw it, but I didn't!
He starts making up crap,
saying someone lent him that movie.
Then I remembered
we never saw that movie
because it was playing at Mignon.
- Who takes your tickets at Mignon?
- Silvia, his ex!
Of course he denies everything.
He didn't go there to see the movie,
he went there to see...
- The sex bomb.
- So, I decided.
There is a lack of trust here!
So I go: "What else
has he hid from me?"
He goes: "I hate jealousy.
Change or it's over."
So I go: "I'm not changing,
it's over."
Since he's a wimp,
he gave in.
Love means leaving room
for mistakes.
No.
Love means never having to say:
"I told you so".
Well, I told him so.
Ex's are just that: Ex!
Andrea.
We said we either get married
or break up.
So we broke up.
But there's one thing I don't get.
Who broke up with who?
If I broke up with you,
it's my own fault.
But if you broke up with me...
Pick up the phone!
I'm not calling to argue.
There's someone in here!
It's gonna be a while!
I'm just here to say bon voyage.
Mother says no more girl scout trips
because it's time to mature.
I need to travel and have
my own experiences.
Guys, let's go!
Proceed, I don't want to delay you.
You didn't see me here!
Hello, Mother.
Ciao.
No, everything is fine.
I couldn't find them.
Quit going ballistic,
the train was late!
I know, but...
I have a wicked idea!
I can get an Inter Rail ticket.
I'll travel Europe and have
my own experiences.
I won't ruin your vacation!
I'm almost 15!
Good job, Martina.
You act older.
I know, I'm mature for my age.
But call me Meggy.
Martina sounds old!
Thanks.
Meggy isn't even short
for Martina.
Like I know!
It's way unfair.
Granny said that Mother said
I could stay at your house
since you got dumped
and weren't going anywhere.
What? I dumped him!
I made all the decisions, as usual.
Can't they mind their own business?
You don't have a book, do you?
I'm not that stereotypical!
- I have a book.
- Take another one.
Give me the one I have to read
for summer homework.
Sure!
That one about teen angst...
- Young Holden?
- No...
- Young Turles?
- No...
- Young Werther?
- Yes, that one.
They still make kids read those?
- 285!
- Come on!
The German version is in there too.
I lived with a guy for 8 years
who used his mother's bank account!
I had to thank his mother too
for gifts he got me.
He couldn't make a decision!
When you ask him a question
you have to answer it too.
How could I diet when he always
cooked me things?
- You said we'd split it!
- No, this is the last piece.
This is the Peace Pie.
Andrea made it whenever we argued.
Then we'd make up.
There's ice cream in the freezer.
This is good because
of its secret ingredient.
Actually there are two.
Ginger and cinnamon.
He couldn't even decide on that.
- There's only one secret ingredient.
- Got a picture of Andrea?
In the trash.
Under there, in the trash.
Are you nuts?
You trashed 8 years of pictures!
Only where you could see him.
The world passed right by us!
People got married and the cute guys
came out of the closet.
It's not my fault the train broke
and I was late!
Scout camp could have been
a major educational experience!
You can't dump someone after 8 years!
Especially at your age!
You wanna be free
but you're too young.
When you are free,
you're too old to enjoy it!
As if I would go with you
and those wrinkly old farts!
As it is, our hometown reeks!
You don't trust me.
Sibilla Balzarro went to the States
by herself when she was 13!
Yes, I would jump off a bridge
if she did!
All teenagers copy each other.
We lack major equilibrium,
I didn't choose to be your daughter!
You chose to be my mother!
Your daughter needs to go on vacation
with her friends.
If you won't take her
because you're selfish,
then I'll take my niece.
Why?
Why can't I go to scout camp?
You know what I'm like?
What are you like?
Martina is staying with me.
It's Meggy, not Martina.
Whatever.
Have a nice trip.
Your mother is terrible!
I have to live with her all year.
How can we be sisters?
I'll take you, if you want.
Where are these girl scouts?
I'm not waiting for Andrea's call.
My friends are in Greece.
Nice, especially since
you're taking classical studies.
Where exactly?
Los, in the Cyclades.
Beaches, hot sun...
Sorry, I can't.
I break out in a rash
if I get too much sun.
Stop looking at me like that.
Don't you dare cry!
Stefy!
Over here.
Everyone's feet stinks!
There's fresh air over here.
I love you, Auntie!
That's sweet of you.
Too bad we never hang out,
you're a nice person.
No, I'm not.
I'm like a total liar.
I try to tell the truth,
but something else comes out.
It's because of your mother!
I missed the train on purpose.
I'm mature enough
to be on my own.
Never mind.
Once you see your friends
it won't be a lie anymore.
Sweet dreams.
I sort of like told another lie...
But I can't tell you,
'cause you'd get mad.
I won't get angry.
My friends aren't in Greece,
they're in Spain.
I caused this royal mess
to go to los.
The island of love,
it's always been my dream!
And there I will lose my virginity.
If not there, where?
Who said you have to?
It's a big deal for me!
Guys get turned off because
they can tell I'm still a virgin!
Stop staring, go back to sleep!
You sleep,
I have to learn!
Now what?
Do you hate me now
that I told you the truth?
You grownups always want us
to lie behind your backs.
You're like Mother,
you can't handle the truth!
I'm in charge of you now,
this is too big of a responsibility.
I can handle the truth.
It's that you want to do it
with a complete stranger!
Listen to me!
It will be horrible
and you'll remember it forever.
No. I'm going to have
a triple orgasm.
I read all about it.
You have to be relaxed.
You have to practice first.
So when you fall in love
you don't give a bad impression!
What kind of logic is that?
That's my philosophy.
How old were you
the first time you did it?
You do it when you're ready.
Okay, I was 19.
Were you in love?
Of course.
How was it?
- It just was!
- See?
You were in love and it sucked.
- It was my first time!
- You should have done it before.
- Before what?
- Before the first time.
Do you only do weird things?
You eat dessert before your meal?
Who decides what's normal?
Weren't you on a diet?
Chocolate makes you lose weight.
I knew it!
It's exactly like Andrea's cake!
Some secret!
They make it here.
It's really good, though.
Not as good as his.
What are you doing?
My head has to be in the North
or I can't sleep.
Get up,
I need to move the bed.
- Is this your summer homework?
- Yes.
What if he does tantric sex?
I'll have to do it for 5 hours!
You have a serious problem.
I know, my hormones
are out of control.
Let's go to the beach!
No, the sun is too hot.
Let's take a nap.
I'm almost 15,
I'll sleep when I'm old.
There's your last chance.
- She must be 30!
- Exactly.
Wouldn't you put out
at her age?
If I was a woman
I'd put out non-stop.
Italian?
I'm Marco, this is Pippo.
Stefania, nice to meet you.
This is my niece Meggy.
Where is everyone on this island?
- What are we?
- I mean everyone...
They party at night and sleep all day.
And you losers go to bed early.
Don't you want a tan?
The sun is bad for you
at this time of day.
I get polymorphous light eruption.
Are you going
to the Scorpion tonight?
Yuck!
Only toddlers go there!
Since you insist on talking to us,
let's take a test.
"What are you like in bed?"
"A friend invites you to a partouze."
- What's that?
- An orgy.
"What do you do?"
A. You are shocked and decline.
B. You go check it out.
C. You plan the next one
at your house.
A. I am shocked and decline.
- Right?
- Well, it depends.
C. The next one would be
at my house.
- How would you know?
- That's why I choose C!
- I choose C too. Pippo?
- C.
We get five points.
Stefania... zero!
"How do you feel about someone
watching you have sex?"
"A. Major turn-on".
I pick A.
Read B and C!
You just want the most points!
Just chill!
Enough talking, I want some action.
Later I'll quiz you on oral sex.
Where are you going?
Are you sure you're related?
Unfortunately.
Is her best friend her mother?
How do I know?
Why?
Girls like that are teases.
Mothers are an important factor.
They don't put out to rebel,
they do it when they want to.
Friendship has ruined it for us.
- Mother is my best friend.
- All you do is fight!
Because of the fight on the phone?
No, I have to go ballistic on her.
Otherwise she thinks
she isn't a good mother.
- We talk about everything.
- You can talk to me too.
I don't want to be a normal old aunt.
I want to be your friend.
Do you?
Menopause is lingering
and I'm still a virgin!
What?
Andrea, it's me.
Was being free
a problem with us?
I don't think it was.
You went to Lucca in 1997
and I let you sleep there.
And something else...
if we had had children,
what would we have been like?
Being parents is a pain!
Anyway, this freedom thing
was a misconception.
When you claimed I was holding back
your freedom, I was actually...
Well it was for your own good!
Call me if you get this message.
I'm in los, Cyclades.
Greece!
Some crazy teenager island!
Write this number.
Panorama Hotel.
You can call collect!
Are you not answering because
you're screwing Silvia Magliocchetti?
Or are you on vacation with her?
In either case, you and Silvia
can both fuck off!
You idiot!
I could have popped a blood vessel!
You're coming with me.
- Why?
- Who is this?
- How would I know?
- And you're kissing him?
How else can I get to know him?
Will you get moving!
If I only have to make out, I'm set.
When I was little I made up
new forms of kissing.
The penguin, butterfly, chipmunk.
I was Epicurean and didn't know it!
We hadn't even studied philosophy yet.
I wasn't even into that guy.
Can I talk about Epicurus?
Epicurus was all:
"The liberation of your passions
is the path to happiness.
Through philosophy...
man frees himself
from all grievous sentiments."
- Have you guys seen Meggy?
- She went swimming.
- By herself?
- Yeah. She'll be fine.
Have a seat.
- Want a beer?
- At breakfast?
I'd probably puke.
See what I mean?
I can't stand seeing
everyone so relaxed!
Have they done
their summer homework?
Selfish.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS COINCIDENCE
What's your name?
Andrea.
Huh?
Aeneas?
Uh, yeah.
Fab! I got an A on The Aeneid!
My name's Meggy.
- What are you doing?
- Drawing.
Well, I'm learning how to draw.
Are you here by yourself?
Lucky you!
On the island of love...
Are you with your parents?
- I'm with...
- Your boyfriend?
Yeah... I mean...
No, he left.
It's not "boyfriend".
It's either "remorse" or "regret".
Remorse, if you boinked.
Regret, if you didn't.
Which one is he?
Remorse.
I'm like way mature for my age.
I'll be in the square tonight,
will you?
Hey!
This scale is broken, right?
I found him!
The guy who's going to deflower me.
He's gorgeous, funny
and a major sex monster.
Like the gay guy in Savage Garden.
His name's Aeneas!
Like in The Aeneid!
Which one should I get?
The colored ones are childish,
I don't trust "Super-Thin".
"Increased Duration"?
He'll be self-conscious.
"Ribbed"?
Not the first time!
- Which one?
- Get them all.
Oh my God, really?
Not all questions
have specific answers.
Ask a specific question
and you get a specific answer.
What do I do
when my orgasm starts?
Nothing!
If it happens,
thank God and enjoy it!
Does this embarrass you?
- You're avoiding the question!
- I am not!
Does the word "orgasm"
freak you out?
It's an actual scientific word!
This is the island of love,
no one would freak over it.
This club is called 69.
And they have a drink called Orgasm.
- Orgasm!
- I get the picture.
- Relax.
- No one is even looking!
If a dude asks you out,
you can't say yes right away.
You have to be all: "I don't know..."
Make him sweat.
- Did you say no to Aeneas?
- He's different.
He was too shy to ask me out.
So I had to be all strategical.
I was all:
"I'll be in the square tonight..."
I set it up without him
feeling embarrassed.
When are you meeting him?
Don't people set exact times
and places anymore?
Oh my God, I miss him already.
- Doesn't he have to sweat?
- Like, right.
You have to be way patient!
Tell me about it.
He's not coming.
It's 4:15.
- It's late!
- It's early!
I'm tired.
Let's go to bed.
Go ahead!
I'm like a total loser!
I'm only into one guy on this island.
And he stood me up!
He could have told me!
Men are never upfront with you.
In eight years Andrea couldn't say no.
Always vague about everything.
Let's change islands.
They're either too young
or too shitty around here.
You want me to pack my bags
because some jerk stood you up?
- Yes.
- Right.
What's up?
Hey, Potato Head.
Sorry I couldn't make it last night.
- Where?
- Out to the square.
- You said you'd come too.
- Ah, the square.
I was busy.
- Well, later.
- Later.
Did you call me?
No.
- I got a present for you.
- For me?
Meggy will never read it.
Isn't it all descriptions?
No, the title is sad.
A best-seller title would be
"The Loves of Young Werther".
We always have to read books
about teen angst.
- What's the deal?
- What do you think?
I know, we're young...
You know what it's going to say.
"Young people think life is so bad,
enjoy it while you can!"
In one ear and out the other!
Five more kilometers?
There's no way, the sun's too hot.
It's Homer's tomb!
Bart, Lisa and Marge
might be there!
What are you talking about?
Don't you know "Odyssey"?
- Don't you know "The Simpsons"?
- What about them?
We'll see the tomb another time.
It's not a tomb, it's a cenotaph.
All this way
and it's not even a tomb.
Cenotaph, an empty tomb!
Oh, it was a joke.
Keep reading, geek.
Maybe you'll learn something!
- Fuck you!
- You'd like that!
Pippo makes me sick!
Virgin is written all over his face.
You look like you're going
to a porn star convention!
I wish I was!
Maybe Aeneas would be nicer to me.
Wait! You're always running.
Not existing just sucks!
I don't exist for him.
I'm invisible!
He called me "Potato Head"!
So?
It's a term of endearment.
Know what he talked about?
Cartoons!
What will his next topic be?
Barbie?
I gave up cartoons a whole year ago!
What's wrong with cartoons?
Guys grow up slower.
I don't even know his cartoons!
Who's the Hair Bear Bunch?
The three bears on
an invisible motorcycle!
It was on when I was little.
That was years ago!
I used to watch it.
How can this kid know about it?
- How old is this Aeneas?
- Don't know and don't care.
Well, I do!
It won't work if he's too old.
Catherine Zeta-Jones is 30 years younger
than Michael Douglas.
The art world doesn't count.
Aeneas is an artist.
He's a killer drawer!
he's experienced.
When you were coming out
of your mother's uterus,
he was already trying
to get in someone else's!
- Like I care.
- Well, the law does!
Emotions obey no law!
- He's from a different generation.
- Like who cares?
He had to get up to change
the TV station!
- Why?
- There were no remote controls yet!
Shut up!
He's not here!
Hear that?
He said you're beautiful.
When he comes,
don't say you're my aunt.
Say you're my cousin.
No, say you're my friend.
No, stand over there
and scope him out.
Then tell me what you think later.
Get moving.
Andrea and I broke up
exactly ten days ago.
As if anyone cared!
Great!
Sun rash.
It's your fault!
I told you the sun is too hot
at this time of day.
- You know what this means?
- You can't lay out anymore.
You ruined my vacation!
It's Meggy!
Is there a porn star convention
on the island?
No, I'm going to Shooters.
That's a club.
You go there at night.
I am always ready ahead of time.
Aren't you going?
Maybe, I don't know.
- Where are you going now?
- Swimming.
- If you wanna come...
- I'm not wearing my suit!
Well, see you.
When will I see you again?
Maybe tonight at Shooters.
Late, though.
Or we'll run into each other,
it's a small island.
Later, Potato Head.
I have light eruption!
Now I have to go out at night
and sleep during the day.
- Wanna dance?
- I quit dancing.
It should be illegal at a certain age
and over a certain waist size!
This music isn't really...
- Is that ecstasy?
- Antihistamine.
Are all guys like this?
They're all: "I'll be there",
then they never show up?
Guys will promise anything.
They'll take you places,
take the trash out...
Once they get what they want...
see ya!
I'm a loser!
I didn't get to enjoy the first part.
Are we sure this Aeneas really exists?
Now I'll never see him!
Let's find out...
Aeneas?
- Meggy's here!
- Clam up!
Are you angry?
I thought you were "way mature".
You humiliated me in public!
I was just trying to help.
You're the one who needs help!
Your problem is that
you do everything backwards.
Dessert before salad.
Sex before love.
You're my problem,
and you're clueless about yourself!
- And how am I?
- You're anal!
I can imagine you and Andrea boinking.
"You're messing up my hair,
you're hurting my back!"
"My chiropractor said
I can't do that position!"
I bet you only do the missionary.
- Admit it!
- Men like to feel dominant!
Andrea dumped you
for that Magliocchetti chick,
who boinks 100 times better
than you!
I doubt he does
the same things with her.
Like what?
Foreplay?
Did he discover
your erogenous zones?
Your G-spot?
It was something only we did.
Clean up your mess!
- What was it?
- Not now. It's late.
You can sleep when you're old,
but I need sleep now.
Duh, you need to sleep!
You're way mature for your age!
Fuck off!
Breakfast!
Sorry about what I said last night.
You're right.
I do everything backwards.
But I still think you're anal.
- Do you know what I do before sex?
- What?
- I fold my clothes.
- Shut up!
- God, you're a nutcase.
- I know.
I try to lighten up but I just can't.
Change.
I don't know how.
You totally lie to yourself.
You pretend you're on this major diet,
but you eat whatever you want.
You're all:
"Chocolate makes you lose weight".
Half a piece is way less fattening!
You say you're a loser.
This is the best time of your life!
Being 15 sucks!
Wait till you're 30!
Peace?
- I love you, Auntie.
- Me too.
I thought about this creep you like.
Give up.
There are two kinds of women.
Ones who get serious
with the wrong guy... like me.
And those who never date because
they want unattainable guys, like you.
Why is Aeneas unattainable?
You have nothing to talk about.
People should have things
in common.
Like I care!
I just like his body!
Maybe he wants more.
You can leave...
You mean he's not attracted to me?
Maybe he needs
a connection with you.
A similar cultural background
is important.
Andrea and I grew up in the 80's
so we liked the same things.
He fell in love with me because
I cried watching "Facts of Life".
We used to watch the same TV shows.
"Little House on the Prairie".
"Three's Company", "Bewitched".
"Eight Is Enough".
"Fantasy Island"!
What do you say,
I could get my navel pierced!
It's hard to talk about the 80's.
That was the best decade ever
and it's over.
- Give me the cortisone.
- Do you itch?
No, just to keep you company.
You know what it reminds me of?
In school,
my friends and I
would practice what to say
to guys.
If you like a guy,
you had to use his words.
You had to say what
he wanted to hear.
For example?
Talking about old movies
was a winner.
- SAY IT IN MY WORDS
..."Love Story" was perfect.
Then what?
To talk about politics without being
political, you talked about punk music
being a counter-reaction
to Thatcher.
A real artist
has to have a nemesis.
I don't understand,
but it sounds great.
So I'm all:
"What if all he cares about
is physical attraction"?
Who?
You!
You are not paying attention!
You only use single syllable words!
Because I'm drawing!
Come over here and try.
It stimulates your artistic brain
and turns off your mouth.
Come on, here's a piece of paper.
Go ahead.
My brain must be in stereo.
I can draw and talk
at the same time!
I think it's way important to have
similar cultural backgrounds.
Let's talk about movies.
I think "Love Story" is great.
The book was good too.
Well, I saw the movie!
Maybe they wrote a book afterwards.
Comparing a book to a movie
is like totally absurd!
How about music?
Thatcher was like royally strict.
- She's not a school teacher.
- Okay, so I don't know who she is.
But punk music was a counter-reaction.
- A real artist has to...
- Have a nemesis.
Everyone says that.
What is this?
You want right-winged extremism
so you can
listen to revolutionary music
in your bedroom?
Pick another topic.
The 1980's!
- The 80's were horrible!
- You don't like anything!
What are we supposed to talk about?
You get one more chance.
TV shows.
The "Love Boat" rocked!
- And "Eight Is Enough".
- Girlie shows.
What about "Facts of Life"?
Could you get any more pathetic?
The best minds of my generation
were brainwashed by "Facts of Life".
- You feel all right?
- I'm fine.
You're getting sunstroke.
I can't go out like this.
Do I look fat here?
No, it makes you look younger!
- So I look like my grandma?
- Let's play a game.
I think of a question in my head
and find the answer in a book.
- What kind of game is that?
- You'll see.
First question.
Answer.
"A 20-minute orgasm".
Here we are!
- Massage and stimulation...
- Are you insinuating something?
- Of course!
- Is that all you men think about?
- This is the island of love!
- Sex is highly overrated!
Because you've had it.
For me it's just highly rated!
I just got out of a long relationship.
Let's...
Let's just be friends, okay?
Know who I am?
Every woman's best friend!
Does a guy become an enemy
after he has sex?
Where's the logic?
We can do it and still be friends.
Listen.
You'll make up for it at 50.
When you're friends are
old and gray!
You will still be handsome.
God, were you about to boink?
Yeah, maybe in 34 years!
Then you can wait,
this is way more important.
Okay, we're like a couple now.
We argued for an hour.
He hates "The Young Werther",
the book you both love!
Sorry for the interruption.
The storm has passed,
let love come shining through!
This kid hates "Werther"
but at least he read it!
I would tell Andrea the plot
then he'd act like he read it.
You may be from the 80's
but you don't understand shit!
You men always bail out of promises.
Like what?
You say you'll take the trash out
or whatever, then...
Are you all carbon copies?
You all say the same things!
Women are the ones
who don't keep promises.
You never diet the first two months.
Then you're allergic to this,
that's too fattening...
I'm not like that.
I'm totally straight-up!
Not you, women in general.
My teacher was like that
when I was still in school.
She'd be all: "Someone is talking".
Then she'd be all:
"It's Vittorio Passarelli"!
Who are you thinking about?
Come on, tell me!
There must be 800 calories in this.
I have a royal problem.
Guess who I remind him of?
- Who?
- His ex!
- His ex?
- Yes, he's still into her.
He got all sad as soon as
he mentioned her.
Then you have to find a way
to destroy her!
- Groovy, you're on my side!
- It's a matter of principle.
You have to ruin the image
of ex-girlfriends early on.
They forget about their faults
in time
and no other woman
can ever live up to them!
How can I ruin someone
I don't even know?
Did he say anything about her?
What was she like?
She was thin
but thought she was fat!
Those girls who try clothes on and say:
"I look fat"
just so someone says
they're not.
I detest them!
There's only one way
to define girls like that, a bitch!
Just like all ex's!
We'll totally destroy her.
I've already figured her out.
Find out what you can.
I'll handle it, I'll take care of her.
Where are you going?
- To sleep.
- It's 9:30, it's early!
Aeneas gets up at 7.
We like enjoying the day together.
Didn't you notice?
- Awesome! New clothes!
- No, they're yours!
It makes you look younger!
I wanna know everything
about your past and your ex.
It will help me know you better.
- What?
- It will help me know you better.
Differences.
I'd lose things
and she'd always find them.
I'd run out of money
and she has a hidden stash.
I sleep at night
and she stays awake.
I have a headache
and she shows up with aspirin.
She likes mountains,
I like the sea.
She's...
and I'm...
She goes...
and I go...
You couldn't really agree
on anything!
Not really.
At first we cherished our differences.
We thought they would enrich us.
Then she suddenly decided
we had to be the same.
I had to be just like her.
You don't know her,
being like her is...
I would never dream
of changing you!
I've got a lot of ideas and plans.
She'd cut them all down.
I'd tell her about an idea
and she'd say: "No".
No to everything!
I am the queen
of recognizing hip ideas!
All of my CD's are
at the top of the charts.
- Hit me.
- What?
- Tell me an idea!
- Just like that?
- Come on, man!
- I don't know, nothing comes to me.
- Come on!
- All right.
I write them in here.
You never know.
I might need them someday.
How about this one...
I could open a store...
No, not this one.
This one has already been done.
Really?
No way!
Listen to this one.
This sounds stupid.
I'm a guy who...
I think you're a total genius.
Oh my God, he sells ideas!
Who doesn't?
Andrea tried to, too.
He wasn't good at it because
he wasn't self-confident.
I kept telling him.
How cute, they're making love!
I think I like this Aeneas!
He sounds perfect for me.
- Friends don't steal boyfriends!
- I know!
But he sounds really cool.
And he went out with a bitch.
It figures!
Two nice people never go out.
It's always one good
and one bad person.
That's why I went out with Andrea.
What else did he say?
She wanted to change him into her.
No, the classic mistake!
You can't change people.
But he stayed himself.
- And the bitch dumped him.
- Good for him.
- There's a real man.
- No, I doubt he beats women.
He's just the cheating type.
How awful!
He cheated on her!
They've been at it for 20 minutes!
- Did he cheat on her?
- They can, why can't I?
Did he cheat on her or not?
I don't know, I didn't ask.
You're still here?
Go find out!
Knock it off!
I can't believe you sleep all day
and I sleep at night.
You should have come
with someone your own age!
Get moving!
- I found out.
- He cheated?
Affirmative.
I think cheating is morally wrong.
People shouldn't cheat...
but now that we've analyzed
the entire situation,
I'd say the bitch deserved it.
Poor girl!
- You wanna hear?
- Yes!
He did it with an ex-ex.
- Two girlfriends ago.
- Then she's a double bitch!
They couldn't see each other because
bitch number 1 wouldn't let them.
Of course!
It's easy to screw an ex because
you've already done it!
Can I continue?
He sees this ex-ex again
and old memories
resurface in him.
- And they had sex.
- No! Way worse!
What could be worse?
They spent the whole night
wrapped in each other's arms
crying and solving unresolved things.
The next morning they were healed.
Healed by love!
IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME
Disgusting!
IF WE GOT BACK TOGETHER,
I WOULD:
That's it! I'm getting rid of this.
Voice mail is the most useless thing
in the world!
Andrea is with that sex bomb
and hasn't left any messages!
No more wrinkle-free cream or medicines!
You can have all my hidden chocolate!
Here.
Diets are against nature.
From now on I'm eating and drinking!
It isn't food that makes you fat,
it's guilt!
I'm tired of hearing
"it makes you look younger"!
- You're going nuts.
- No, I'm normal now.
This cake made me realize it.
I like it better than Andrea's!
Now go tell Aeneas he wasted years
on the wrong person.
It's time to start over and live!
- I'm gonna do it.
- Go.
- I'm taking your chocolate.
- Okay.
- I'm going to eat it.
- Sure.
It makes you lose weight.
But half a piece
is even less fattening.
Your relationship totally sucked.
She was all anal
and tried to change you.
She was clueless about your creativity
and hated your friends.
She was jealous about your ex's.
I hope I'm not going overboard,
but you wasted years on someone
who wasn't all that.
You are such a honey!
Isn't all that chocolate...
Fattening?
No. Because I don't feel guilty.
Aeneas was all:
"What are we doing tonight?"
I'm no longer a potato head,
I'm a human girl!
- So?
- What's going to happen?
Whatever happens, happens.
Don't you get it, it's a royal mess!
I'll look like a total loser
with the guy I'm in love with!
Oh my God, I'm in love!
We should have done it before.
You're coming too!
Are you crazy?
It's your responsibility,
I'm a minor!
You want to rebel and expect me
to give you permission?
I've quit mothering people.
Look what happened with Andrea!
Now he's screwing the sex bomb!
If you're ready, do it.
This is your problem.
So like, my heart will guide me?
Something will guide you
but it won't be your heart.
- A different organ?
- Yes.
- A sex organ?
- Guess so.
What's our song?
You wanna come up?
You didn't bring anything to drink!
- What do you want?
- An orgasm. If they have it.
- What do you wanna do?
- Let's mosh.
I'm not uncomfortable
talking about sex with you.
What do you want to talk about?
- Duration.
- All right, duration.
I bet the guys you've had
all had that problem.
- Yes.
- See?
It's not their fault.
It was because
they were inexperienced.
Sex is being aware,
experimenting and exploring.
I finally found my own method.
What?
Breathe in your chakra?
- What?
- It's tantric sex.
- You like tantric sex?
- Of course!
I don't.
It's like studying extinct languages,
Latin or Greek.
I worked out my own method.
When the situation...
gets critical,
I focus on Richie Cunningham's mom.
Then the system shuts down.
When the situation
in my other half cools down,
I change channels in my head again.
To see what's there.
There's always a game show.
And then ready, set, go!
I don't feel well.
I'm going back to my tent.
Goodnight.
Goodnight?
What's this?
So Werther...
doesn't kill himself
because of love,
but because of lack of love.
It even says it in the preface!
Anyway, it has a bad ending!
At least he found love.
There are more important things
than books.
Help, I can't hold back!
Something is taking control of me!
I have to dance!
- All the photocopies...
- What photocopies?
Oh my God,
what's happening to me?
If I can kiss you,
then I'm capable of anything!
Thanks a lot!
Here.
Goodnight.
I'm in love with you.
Are we going to have sex now?
Oh my God, Aeneas is dead!
Slow down, you're hurting me!
Stop it!
He's in there.
You look, I'll freak out.
What is it?
- Tell me you didn't do it!
- You said you wouldn't care.
- Tell me you didn't do it!
- No, we just kissed!
- Get her out of here.
- No, let go of me!
Will you chill?
Oh, fuck off!
I get the point!
Is he okay, is he dead?
No, he's better off than both of us.
- He's cute, isn't he?
- He's all right.
Sometimes people aren't
what they seem.
Not today!
Is it possible that all your life
you think you're a certain way,
then suddenly you find out
people think you're something else?
What are you really like?
What you feel inside
or how other people see you?
How other people see you.
The majority always rules.
Wish me happy birthday.
I'm 15 today!
Do you want a cake?
Chocolate,
ginger and cinnamon okay?
What's wrong?
Being 15 trips me out.
I'm like halfway to being you!
Why aren't you talking?
Are you embarrassed
about passing out?
Yeah, right.
- Nothing would have happened.
- We kissed.
- We did?
- Yes.
- It doesn't mean anything.
- It does so!
Make a decision.
Yes or no!
You won't decide
or you decided no?
I decided no.
- Why not?
- Because I said so.
You're still thinking about your ex!
But we totally ruined her!
I'm totally wasting time with you.
You're probably anal too!
I bet you fold your clothes
before you have sex!
This was a present for you!
Ginger and cinnamon.
This freedom thing
was a misconception.
When you claimed I was holding back
your freedom I was actually...
I was doing it for your own good!
If you get this message, call me.
I'm in los, Cyclades.
Greece.
This crazy teenager island.
Write this number.
Hotel Panorama.
You can call collect.
Are you not answering
because you're screwing Silvia?
He changed his mind
from one day to the next!
I'm sure he has his reasons.
Hopefully you'll never find out why.
He's probably already left the island.
I won't ever know why,
he's a coward.
The bitch doesn't know he cheated.
- Stop calling her a bitch.
- Why?
Because I said so.
Oh my God, it's him!
- He's gonna see how old I am!
- Just eat your candles!
Happy Birthday!
Well?
You look cool in the shirt I got you!
I'm Pippo.
Stefania, this is Aeneas.
Nice fucking name you picked out!
So, how did you know
about my birthday party?
The cake.
- Do you want a piece?
- No.
It's good,
there's a secret ingredient.
There are two.
Ginger and cinnamon.
- Have you already tried it?
- I made it.
He made it.
- THE ISLAND OF HYSTERICAL FEMALES
- I'm gonna kill you!
I'm such a loser!
Couldn't you be someone else's ex?
Get over it!
We'll find someone else.
You're clueless!
I care who it is!
And you gave me too much freedom.
If you wanna be my aunt, act like it!
You know that nothing happened
between Meggy and me.
She put me on a pedestal,
poor thing.
She sees me as...
- This...
- This what?
Give it up!
She kissed me, I didn't kiss her.
You never do anything, do you?
You got dumped and you got kissed!
- By an adolescent!
- So?
I'm an adolescent.
Guys don't count.
We've got a big problem,
so what do we do?
What do you do?
You're the creative one.
You'll find a unique way out of this.
Any suggestions?
Take that shirt off,
you look ridiculous.
- Are you back together?
- Please!
It would be way wrong
if you got back together with him.
We all stick together now.
We're sleeping and going out together.
I want a strawberry smoothie!
I couldn't see any shooting stars
from over there.
It's cold, put this on.
Can we talk about our relationship?
What relationship?
Look at all the stars.
They're millions of light years away.
We sure are insignificant
in this universe.
Speak for yourself.
Excuse me!
They're cute, aren't they?
I'm happy for her.
She's seems to be doing good.
Quiet!
I've had enough of you!
She's fine one day
and a mess the next!
She's 15.
So what if she has a bad day?
Stop it, we're all getting along now.
Who?
What kind of tour group are we?
We've got a walking time bomb,
every girl's best friend,
and let's not even mention
you and me!
- I feel sick.
- What's wrong?
- I just heard myself speak.
- So?
I'm boring!
I even bore myself!
- She's weird.
- Yeah.
She's always been.
Why are you so melodramatic?
I analyzed my own self
and defined myself "the bitch"!
Wouldn't that upset you?
From the outside
our relationship is a mess!
You wanted to change me
and I wanted to change you.
You never know what to say
and I'm always judging everyone!
That's why people like you.
- Because you're so...
- What?
Say it!
A...
I wasn't going to say "bitch"!
No one likes me!
And now I don't even like myself.
I do everything wrong!
Always dieting, I never lose weight.
- Now I quit dieting and...
- You've gained weight.
- I've lost weight!
- That's good!
No, it isn't!
It means I've done everything wrong.
I hide and eat, I was Iying to myself.
I know you, you're angry at me
because of that night.
- What night?
- That night with you-know-who.
- Who?
- Silvia.
Can we talk about it?
Sure, let's talk about it.
Let's hold each other all night
and it will be fine tomorrow.
Go do that shit with your sex bomb!
At least give me credit for trying.
I'm trying to be honest.
You've told me a sack of lies
and now you want to be honest?
What do I care now?
But I do have one question.
- Promise you'll tell the truth.
- I promise.
Ask me.
Was Silvia better than me in bed?
She's just more sex-oriented.
- She's got natural abilities.
- So she was better than me?
- Yes, because she really likes it...
- Why did you tell me?
But I like it with you much better!
With her I'm always worried
about my performance because...
- Did I hurt you?
- A little.
Good.
- Can I do my thing?
- No, not that.
You're saying that because I'm sad.
No, I'm serious.
I want to.
Well, I don't.
Bitch.
So like I didn't get deflowered
but it's still cool.
When I get back to school
everyone will be all: "I did it".
Their stories will be way identical.
But my story is like totally unique.
It doesn't matter.
I have a question
and I want an honest answer.
What is this, honesty night?
If you hadn't fallen asleep that night,
would you have made love to me?
Just chill, I wouldn't have done it!
Your first time can't be
with someone you like.
I was totally sure you'd
get back together with him.
- Oh, please.
- But you didn't do it.
I'll give you credit for that.
You proved you're not a wimp.
It was obvious he was waiting
for you to go: "Okay".
- You held out!
- See?
You taught me that a woman
doesn't have to put her ideals aside
for the man of her life!
Exactly.
Ideals are way important.
There are exceptions, you know.
I want off!
I have to get off, it's important!
Captain!
- No, it doesn't count!
- Why doesn't it count?
Because I said so.
I'm doing it for me, not for you.
With me, you can...
...smoke your pipe when you want.
Because I like you much more...
...so romantic!
Blue smoke!
Oh, a cloud inside you.
And a man who smells like smoke...
...is a real man, oh yes!
I will love you,
as long as you want!
Because that is what you are!
- A man is a man.
- When he smells like smoke.
- A man is a man.
- When he smells like smoke...
A kiss is ten times better from you!
- Wait.
- What?
- I have to fold my clothes.
- Okay.
No!
You have to say no sometimes!
Whatever.
If two obsessive people are together,
at least they don't hurt anyone else.
No, that's the typical
S&M relationship.
As if you knew!
You're a virgin!
- So are you!
- That's normal for my age.
- So you and I are just friends?
- No, we will never be friends!