1
- Hi.
- Hi, girls.
How are you?
- Eddie, have you seen Boogie?
- He's over there.
Boogie! Come here.
I was just downstairs in the basement.
Fenwick is breaking windows
with his bare hands.
He's punching out the windows
with his bare hands.
And he'll break every one in the place.
I'll go talk to him.
What's up, Fen?
Just breakin' windows, Boog.
What for?
It's a smile.
Come on, don't be a schmuck.
I know glass is made from sand.
How come you can see through it?
Leave the windows alone.
What's wrong with you?
- It's a smile, that's all.
- Yeah, I'm cracking up.
Fenwick, you break another window,
and I'm gonna give you a fat lip.
Now, where's your date?
Gave her away.
What?
I gave her away.
David Frazer said she was death.
So, I said, "If you like the way
she looks, take her."
What are you, the Salvation Army?
I charged him $5.
Come on upstairs.
Come on.
You really are nuts.
What about her? She didn't have to go.
I'm nuts. Get that.
That's what you get
for dating 11th-graders.
- Her brains aren't developed yet.
- Yeah, but her tits were.
Falsies.
- Were they?
- Firsthand info.
Shit. Then what am I pissed about?
- It looks like you're having a lot of fun.
- Perk up.
- How could you take Frazer over the Fen?
- 'Cause.
Diane, did you know that Frazer
paid $5 for you?
That's the kind of guy he is.
He did?
Do you want to leave with Frazer?
Not really. Fenwick scares me.
He's all right.
Why don't you take me home?
I go to law school now.
I have to go home and study.
The only reason I came by here is
'cause I appreciate the fine music.
- I thought you worked in a beauty parlor.
- Yeah, I do, during the day.
Would you do me a favor?
Would you go home with the Fen?
Okay?
Okay?
- Are you cold?
- No.
I could turn the heat on.
Elyse feels that Eddie is getting
very sensitive about the wedding.
Yeah, I know. We were talking about it.
You know what word
I'm not comfortable with?
"Nuance." It's not a real word.
Like "gesture." "Gesture" is a good word.
At least you know where you stand
with gesture.
But, "nuance," I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
- Aren't you chilly?
- No, I feel good. I feel good.
- Am I going too fast for you?
- No. No.
Good.
Look at that Fenwick go.
Elyse's mother is very upset with Eddie.
They picked out this yellow and white
motif for the wedding.
You know, like we did.
Napkins, tablecloths, bridesmaids...
...maid of honor, the whole bit.
Anyway, Eddie objected.
He wanted blue and white,
the Colt's colors.
He refused to give in.
So?
You know how stubborn Eddie is.
Could have been worse.
Could have been black and gold,
the Steeler's colors.
Billy's coming in on a train this morning.
I thought he was just coming in
for the wedding.
We didn't want to mention it.
It's a surprise for Eddie.
- What the hell's going on?
- I don't know.
Stay here.
Oh, Jesus.
You son of a bitch.
I really got you guys, didn't I?
I've been carrying this ketchup bottle
around for weeks.
You asshole.
Weeks!
I hid behind the car. I didn't want
to get any ketchup on my dress.
Weeks! Just waitin' for the right time.
Well, you got me. Christ, I really thought
you'd bought it.
Real hard, holdin' back the laughs.
Real hard.
You really outdid yourself, Fenwick.
That's very mature, Fenwick.
Fuck mature.
Sorry, Beth.
Did you overturn this yourself?
Yeah, give me a hand.
No way.
Come on, guys.
Boog? Modell, come on.
Hey, guys, come on.
Fenwick, you turned it over by yourself.
You've got to turn it back.
But it was easy gettin' it over,
'cause of the angle.
It'll be a bitch getting it...
Come on. Did you try it?
I'll bet you didn't even try it yet.
I'm buyin' at the diner.
Fenwick, you're a schmuck.
Another five seconds,
you would've had it for free.
I'll see you guys later at the diner, okay?
You're a sick person, you know that?
You're not a normal person.
You guys really are sick, you know that?
- That's 'cause you got no sense of humor.
- Yeah, right.
You can't compare Mathis to Sinatra.
There's no way, no way.
They're in totally different leagues.
Eddie, they're both great singers.
You know the thing about Sinatra,
he's good, but he's too thin.
I don't like that.
Yeah, but you can't compare them.
Sinatra is the Lord. All right?
He's big in movies. He's big in nightclubs.
Let me ask you another question:
Who do you make-out to?
Sinatra or Mathis?
- That's a stupid question.
- One question, answer that.
It's irrelevant. I won't answer it. Mathis.
There you go. How about you, Shrevie?
- I'm married. We don't make out.
- That's funny.
- George, do you have a Band-Aid?
- No.
- You have a Band-Aid.
- I don't have one.
- What's wrong?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- I cut myself shaving.
Sorry about that Diane thing.
I didn't know you had a thing for her.
Yeah, it's okay.
What about my $5?
- Give me a couple of days.
- A couple days?
Can I have French fries and gravy,
with a cherry Coke?
Sinatra doesn't like fatty foods, I think.
Look who's here.
How'd it go?
Pretty good. Said she never wanted
to see me again.
You're a charming person, you know that?
What happened?
I just parked the car on a nice, lonely road.
I looked at her and I said, "Fuck or fight?"
That's a good line.
I'll use that myself sometime.
You're a maniac.
You always know exactly what to say.
I love this.
- How old is she?
- She's jailbait.
- What is she, 12?
- She'll be 12.
Jailbait.
She's old enough to know better.
I'm kidding.
She said she wanted to see me again.
She liked me, sort of.
- Get out of here.
- Come on.
George, will you come here
and talk to him? He's driving me wild.
What's that? Roast beef?
Don't ask me this anymore, Modell. Yes.
You gonna finish that?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I paid for it.
I'm not gonna give it to you.
If you're not going to finish it, I'd eat it.
- What do you want? Say it.
- Go ahead. You eat it. That's all right.
Say, "I want the roast beef sandwich,"
and I'll give you some.
- Would you guys cut this out?
- He doesn't talk. He just...
- You know what he means, right?
- I know what he means.
If he'd say the words, I'd give him some.
If I wanted it, wouldn't I ask?
- Then ask. You know he wants it.
- Just let it go.
You're annoying as hell.
I'm annoying?
I'm trying to eat a meal by myself.
If you want to give him the sandwich,
give it to him. If you don't...
- I don't want to...
- Then eat the sandwich, and shut up.
- Look at his eyes.
- I asked a simple question.
Know what you're problem is?
You don't chew your food.
That's why you get so irritable.
You get lumps.
You have roast beef in your heart
that just stays there.
Modell, you're really getting me mad.
My blood is boiling.
- I'll take the sandwich.
- Don't...
- Fine. I'll take the sandwich.
- See what you do. Every time!
Why are you blaming me?
He took your sandwich.
- You want this?
- No!
- You want this?
- I don't want it.
I do.
I can't believe you're eating...
You two play against me.
That's the problem.
You're both on each other's side.
Come on, George. Lend me another $10.
What do you want from me?
You owe me $10 already. Get out of here.
- Boog, come here.
- Don't be like that.
Wait, Bagel.
Come here a second, Boog.
Get out. I don't want to talk to you.
- What, Bagel?
- Did you lay down a bet with Barnett?
- I don't remember.
- Yeah, right.
Nobody bets $2,000 and forgets, Boogie.
What's the point?
The point is, Boog, where are you going
to get the $2,000?
You haven't got a pot to piss in.
Look, the game is a lock.
Nothing's a lock, Boog. Nothing's a lock.
You want me to call it off?
Out of respect for your father,
may he rest in peace.
Look, leave my father out of it.
Listen, Bagel, you should get in.
I've gotta go.
See you around.
- Kids, man.
- Very crazy.
Nobody's interested in making
an honest buck anymore.
I heard he's going to law school.
That's what I'm talking about.
You call that an honest buck?
Bagel heard about my basketball bet.
I'm already down for $10.
- Big spender.
- Come on.
Listen, Eddie. If you guys want in on this,
I'm going to tell you now...
...they're shaving points in this game.
- You heard they're shaving points?
- How do you know?
- I know. This is no bullshit tip.
I heard about your tips before.
Cost me $50.
- How do you know?
- No way.
- What's your resource?
- Don't get in.
Will you listen to me?
They are shaving points on this game.
You want in or not?
They're definitely shaving points?
You feel secure?
- Forget it.
- Who's the guy?
Why do you ask so many questions?
'Cause I don't know who the guy is.
You trust him?
Let me make it $15. Because... make it $15.
Let me ask you a question.
If you're really sure, make it $20.
Don't do it, Modell.
I'm telling ya. I lost $50 last game.
All right. Will you guys hop off
of the subject?
- Can you quiet...?
- $15 would be good.
Modell. Who do you pick,
Sinatra or Mathis?
- Would you just let that die? Please.
- It's important to me.
- It's annoying me.
- It's important in my life.
You've been asking that question
to every man that walks in here.
Would you just forget it?
Maybe I have something to gain
from the answer.
- Did you ever think of that?
- What does it matter?
Let the man speak.
Let the man speak. Speak.
Presley.
Elvis Presley?
There's the definitive answer.
- Sinatra or Mathis? It's Presley. Fine.
- You're sick. You're sick.
You feel better? Did you learn something?
You've gone like two steps below
in my book.
Once again...
I guess you're full?
Did I tell you guys that I've got a date
with Carol Heathrow tomorrow night?
You're taking out Carol Heathrow?
No, you're taking her out.
She is death.
I only go for the best.
Heathrow's cold.
She's not a smart girl.
Did you ever talk to her?
You wanna bet she goes for my pecker
on our first date?
The only hand on your pecker
is gonna be your own.
Do you want to bet me?
Do you want to bet me $20?
You got it.
- I'm in.
- Me too.
Yeah, I'm in too,
but we need validation of this.
All right. I'll arrange it.
How? Are you gonna get fingerprints?
I'm tellin' ya, I'm not gonna do the dusting.
- Did you bring your car?
- No, I walked. Yeah, I brought my car.
You're going straight home?
No, I'm going by way of Atlantic City.
What kind of question is that?
'Cause if... I'll wait for the other guys.
You constantly do this. You walk out
behind me. You stand there...
- Maybe you got plans.
- I have no plans. It's 4:00 in the morning.
- You want a ride?
- I'll go with you if you want.
- You want me to go with you?
- Say the words, "I want a ride."
I don't have to go.
I enjoy your company. Do you want a ride?
I'll go with you.
You got gas money? Just kidding.
You're so serious lately, Modell.
You're too much. How'd you know
I was coming in this morning?
We know, man. We know everything.
You up for some diner?
Hold on a sec.
I'm gettin' some coffee here.
You're getting coffee before
we go to the diner to have coffee?
I want coffee. Coffee.
I can't believe that Eddie's gettin' married.
It's crazy. I mean, with Shrevie here,
it was nuts. But with Eddie, it's lunacy.
Marriage is all right. I'm not complaining.
Not complaining, huh?
That sounds wonderful.
Of course it's not a 100-percent
sure thing yet. Right?
- He's getting married New Year's Eve.
- No, no.
Not until she takes the test.
- What are you talking about?
- Tell him.
Eddie's giving Elyse a football quiz.
If she fails, the marriage is off.
Football quiz? Come on, you guys.
Are you puttin' me on?
Is this a joke or what?
No. You know Eddie and the Colts.
It's very serious stuff.
The test has got something like, what,
140 questions.
True and false, multiple choice,
short answer.
It's an oral test.
He doesn't want any cheating.
So, wait a second.
What happens if she fails?
- He's going to call it off?
- Yeah.
He swears to it. The test was supposed
to be two months ago.
But Elyse keeps putting it off.
She's got a lot of pressure on her.
I guess.
It's not the best way
to start off a marriage.
Eddie's crazy.
- Billy, you're missing all the action now.
- Yeah?
Yeah. Half the guys are
at U of B night school.
It's a lot of fucking laughs now.
- A master's in business. That's the lowest.
- Yeah.
What are you majoring in now, Fenwick?
Still...?
- So, who's at U of B?
- Eddie's going, of course.
- And then there's me.
- Yeah?
- You going to law school?
- Yeah.
I thought I would give it a pop.
I'm still working at the beauty salon
in the daytime.
- But you were so good at the beauty salon.
- Cut and fuck. $2.50.
All right, you guys laugh.
- You ever think of doing your own hair?
- You guys laugh.
- It looks good.
- I'll tell you something.
I get more action in a week
than you've had in your whole life.
No, I get it every night.
Billy. You're in town already.
Yeah, I thought I'd come
and spend the holiday here.
I heard there are a lot of good parties
and stuff.
- You know your parents are out of town?
- No.
They're in Florida.
They'll be back for Eddie's wedding.
Is he still sleeping?
What else? It's only 2:30. Wake him.
I can't wait till he's out of the house.
How you doin', Bill?
- What are you doin'?
- Don't fuck with me.
Still the early riser, huh?
Yeah. Nothin' changes.
- Except you're getting married.
- Yeah. Ain't that a kick?
I thought you weren't coming
until New Year's Eve?
Nothing happening around campus, so...
Did you bring that girl with ya?
No. We broke up.
That's a shame. You know...
...that picture you sent me?
It looked like she had
a great set of knockers.
- Didn't figure on you and Elyse so soon.
- Yeah, well...
Figured New Year's Eve would be good.
Get married. Party through the night,
you know.
I was pissed off.
I figured you'd at least call me...
...and let me know you were planning it.
Yeah, well, you know.
But you're my best man, right?
Right?
What do you think?
Of course I'm your best man.
So, Boogie and the guys picked me up
at the train station.
Yeah?
They didn't say anything to me.
Surprise, I guess.
I guess.
- How'd they know?
- Barbara Kohler told Fenwick.
Oh, yeah? You keep in touch, huh?
Yeah.
Still nailing her, aren't you, son of a bitch?
Never did.
You're kidding? What else would you be
doing with her all these years?
Talking.
- Talking? Am I losing my hair?
- You've still got a little up there.
If you want to talk, you always have
the guys at the diner.
You don't need a girl if you want to talk.
Eddie, you'll never change.
Yeah, I saw it. It was in the papers
this morning, Marion. Yes, this morning.
- You and I gonna shoot some pool?
- I haven't shot pool in ages.
It's about time,
otherwise you lose your edge.
- You still have the morning paper?
- Mom, what's for breakfast?
The kitchen is closed.
I'm hungry here.
You want something to eat? Make it.
I don't have all day to wait on you.
Come on, Ma. Don't give me that shit.
A fried baloney sandwich would be good.
Get out of the house.
Billy, take him out of here.
A fried baloney sandwich isn't
a lot to ask for!
Hold the wire, Marion, will you?
You're giving me a headache. Take a walk.
What are you going to do?
You going to stab me?
Come on.
You miserable creature.
- How did you get to be such a thing?
- Take your best shot.
- Who do you think you are?
- And then I'm gonna punch your lights out.
You don't even look like me.
Where'd you come from? Get married
and get out of this house. Quick!
Come on, go for the gut.
Then you, you're going down and out.
Come on, I've got fists of granite.
- How did you turn into such a thing?
- I won't look. Hit me right here.
And ruin my good knife on you?
It's not worth it.
Sit down. I'll fix you something to eat,
and that's it.
Eat a sandwich, then give me some peace.
- Billy, you want something?
- No, thanks.
- You sure? It's no trouble.
- No, really, I'm fine.
A lot's changed around here.
I'm never going to get married.
Never, never.
Aren't you, my Jo?
Is this show in color
or is something wrong with this set?
No, there's nothing wrong with the set.
This is a black-and-white set.
I don't think they're showing
the movie in color anyway.
I don't like color television.
Don't like color for nothing.
I saw Bonanza over at my in-laws,
and it was not for me.
The Ponderosa looked faked.
I hardly recognized Little Joe.
Maybe you had to tune it.
Not for me. Have you got an Emerson?
I hear they're real good.
Yeah. I've got an Emerson right here.
It's a good set.
- What's all that stuff?
- This? You've got a high-fidelity system.
I don't want any high-fidelity system
with my television.
All I want is a 21-inch Emerson,
cabinet style.
Kenny, have we got any Emersons,
21 inches, without the record player in it?
- I'll check in the warehouse.
- He's going to check that in the warehouse.
It'll take a few minutes.
Why don't you look around?
I'll look around
at some of the television sets.
You do that.
I talked to Boog.
He's taking Carol to the Strand tonight.
The Strand?
- He's going to try it in the Strand?
- Yeah.
What do you want to do?
I'll be there. A few seats away.
Yeah, I'll be there too.
I got $20 on this thing.
Don't want any judgement calls.
He has a couple of C's
riding on this already.
He's making bets left and right.
He has $200 on this already?
Yeah. A lot of people bet for Carol.
What have you been doin'?
You been drinking already?
Yeah. I guess so.
What for? It's too early.
I don't know. I'm getting antsy
or something. I can't figure out what.
I'll see you at the Strand tonight.
Hey, Fen.
Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah.
What do you say, Knocko?
Hey, Billy.
- How're you doing?
- Eat, sleep, you know.
I never see you and the guys anymore.
You know how it is.
Time to move on, I guess.
You got change for a quarter?
- Doin' okay, Billy?
- I'm going for my master's.
Hey, wonderful.
Take seven. It's got a new felt.
What are you doin' it for?
It's not like I'm doin' it
just to make her happy.
To hell with that.
No, you wouldn't want to make her happy.
Anyway, she's the only one
I really care about.
It's not like I go looking for girls to date,
or anything like that.
It seems like the right time and all.
At least she's not a ballbreaker.
Christ. If she was a ballbreaker,
there'd be no way.
Right?
How you doin'?
"It's one thing to wear your dog collar,
but when it turns into a noose...
"...l'd rather have my freedom.
A man in jail is always for freedom.
"Except, if you'll excuse me, J.J.,
I'm not in jail.
"You're blind, Mr. McGoo.
This is the crossroad for me.
"I won't get Kello. Not for a lifetime pass
to the polo grounds.
"Not if you serve me Cleopatra on a plate.
"And that is why you put your hands
on my sister.
"J.J., please. Susie tried to..."
It's Methan's favorite movie,
The Sweet Smell of Success.
- He memorized the whole movie?
- Yeah.
These younger guys, I tell ya,
they're crazier than we were.
Eddie, are you taking
any of Boogie's action?
Yeah. No way he pulls this off.
There's a boy up there watching me.
There he goes. Funny feeling,
being looked at without knowing it.
What?
Pants off.
The rose's thorn scratched you.
It's nothing.
Did you ever catch fireflies?
When I was young,
I used to put them in a bottle...
...and see if I could get enough to read by.
There used to be goldfish here.
- Did you ever catch any?
- No. I wasn't supposed to.
Last winter, we forgot to take them out
and they all froze solid.
That poor cupid.
He looks lost without them.
He looks like he's waiting to be kissed.
He is.
How can you tell?
Well, I can't really.
Ljust know how he feels.
Shrevie, what's going on?
I have no idea.
Would you hold on a second?
You're disgusting.
I know it was really terrible.
It was horrible, but it was an accident.
An accident?
No, Carol, seriously. It was an accident.
I swear to God.
An accident. Your thing just got
into a box of popcorn.
Well, damn near that.
Listen, can I be straight with you?
Wait, look. There's a real good reason...
...but it's a little embarrassing to me.
So maybe if you don't want to hear it,
I'll understand.
Go on. I want to hear this.
I don't know, it's just...
I don't like to tell this to girls,
but you really are a knockout.
No, you really are. And sitting down
next to you in there got me crazy.
I got a hard on.
I don't like to admit it, but I did.
I mean, you don't know me. I try
to come off like I'm being cool all the time.
I don't like to look like I'm hustling,
and there I was next to you with a boner.
Am I embarrassing you?
Go on.
I don't know, it's just that
the pain was killing me.
It was to stop the pain.
It was digging into the side of my leg.
So what I did was,
I opened my fly to loosen everything up.
Just to give it a little air.
And it worked.
Everything settled down and then I got
caught back up in the picture.
And then, when Sandra got her leg caught
on the bush...
...and she lifted up her dress.
It just popped right up.
And it went through the bottom
of the popcorn box.
And the force of it just opened up the flap.
It just pushed the flap open?
It's Ripley's.
It just pushed the flap right open.
And I couldn't move the box.
You would have seen it.
That's true.
Let's go back inside.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Come on.
All right.
We'll just get a seat in the back here.
Do you care if I kiss you right here
in front of God and everybody?
I can't wait either.
What's that guy's name? The actor?
Troy Donahue.
Troy. What kind of name is Troy?
He's gorgeous.
You ever hear of a guy
with the name of Troy?
Yeah. Troy Swartzman from Towanda.
This movie was written by the author
of The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit.
I wonder where that Barbara girl
and Billy are?
I'd really like to see this again.
You can take Elyse.
Hi.
Fellas, don't forget to bring
some tens tonight.
Ten whats?
I don't know.
Death. I'd give up your life
if I could have her.
We're even.
Take it easy.
Is he okay?
Damn. That's Willard Broxton.
Long time comin', huh, Bill?
I couldn't believe it. There he was.
I didn't want to hit him, but I had to.
Definitely. You had to.
I mean, Willard Broxton.
Who's Willard Broxton?
You should have said something.
- What am I gonna say?
- I got Willard!
- Shrevie, who is Willard Broxton?
- I always liked Willard Broxton.
- You liked him?
- I used to take his milk money.
That was outstanding.
I'll see you guys later.
- Are we going to go eat?
- I'm not in the mood.
Going to the diner?
Later. I'm going to the TV station
to see Barbara.
Shrevie, who is Willard Broxton?
It was the 11th grade.
No, it was the 10th grade. That's right.
Billy was playin' ball against
one of the high school fraternities.
I think they were ULP.
So Billy comes sliding into second base
to break up the double play...
...and the second baseman thought
that Billy was trying to hurt him.
So he jumped on Billy.
So Billy punched the guy.
And then, the whole ULP team
jumped on Billy.
They beat the crap out of him.
He's been waiting for them
after all these years?
- He swore he'd get them.
- That was forever ago, Shrevie.
So, Broxton makes it eight. Or seven.
Seven? No, no. It's eight. That's right.
There's one guy left.
What are you waitin' for? It's open.
What about the slides?
I didn't hear anything about the slides.
- There's not much time before the news.
- Yeah, I tried to call.
The switchboard closes down at 10:00.
I was just getting the feeling
that you were avoiding me.
That's not true, Billy.
Do you want to run down
the film chains for me?
The governor's press conference on 3.
There's a B roll of it.
And the slides? One.
Stand by for cold tease.
Ten seconds.
- Who's the visitor?
- Friend of mine. Five seconds.
And, one. Mike, cue!
President Eisenhower returns
from the World Peace Tour.
Steel dispute continues. Interviews
with John Unitas and coach Ewbank...
...in preparation for tomorrow's
championship game.
These and other stories next.
Roll three, three and track.
Willy, after this I still have
a lot of work to do.
Why don't you call in the morning?
- Where's the news opening?
- Six.
Okay. What's good?
Church services are at 10:00, 8:30, 9:00.
Punch I.D., and announce.
This is WBAL TV, Channel 11
in Baltimore, wishing all our viewers...
...a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year.
Let's see. It's two more days till the test.
And if she passes, it's two more days
till the thing. The marriage.
Where are you guys going, Puerto Rico?
No, Cuba.
Cuba, that's nice. My parent's friends,
the Copelands, they go there every year.
- They said it's nice?
- Really nice.
Yeah, I heard.
Shrev, are you happy
with your marriage or what?
I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
- You don't know?
- What?
How could you not... You don't know?
How could you not know?
I don't know.
Beth is terrific and everything,
but Jesus, I don't know.
A big part of the problem
when you get married...
When you're dating...
...everything is talkin' about sex, right?
Where can we do it? Why can't we do it?
Are your parents going to be out
so we can do it?
Trying to get a weekend
just so that we can do it.
So you can do it.
Everything is just always talkin'
about getting sex.
And then planning the wedding.
All the details.
Details, shit.
But then, when you get married...
It's crazy, I don't know.
You can get it whenever you want it.
You wake up in the morning,
and she's there.
And you come home from work,
and she's there.
And so all that sex-planning talk
is over with.
And so is the wedding-planning talk
'cause you're already married.
So, you know, I can come down here
and we can bullshit the whole night away.
But I cannot hold
a five-minute conversation with Beth.
It's not her fault. I'm not blaming her.
- She's great. It's...
- No, of course not.
It's just, we've got nothing to talk about.
But, it's good, it's good.
It's good?
- It's nice, right?
- Yes.
- It's nice.
- Right.
Well, you've always got the diner.
Yeah. We've always got the diner.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried.
Don't back out on me.
I'm not going to back out on you, either.
Unless, of course, she fails the test.
It's out of my hands.
Hey, Boog. Did you hear? They won by 14.
God! They weren't supposed to roll up
that high of a score!
You gonna listen to me next time?
Come here. Your mother
let you loose like this?
Look at those pants.
I got charcoal pants here.
You want to get inside the diner?
Come here. Look at these. Charcoal gray.
Special sale, $12.50.
- $12.50? You offered him $7.
- For you, $11.98. These are better.
You think I'll tell him?
Don't tell anyone where you got these.
- How much money have you got?
- $4.
$4? I've got a good shirt for you.
Forget the pants.
- It's incredible.
- Unbelievable.
Where's he now?
He's already up to the Pimlico. Right?
Then he's got the Junction.
And the Avalon and the Garrison.
That's the George's Deluxe in the corner.
Oh, yeah.
You know what that is?
One, two. The whole left side of the menu.
What a triumph if he pulls it off.
You're talking about 15, 16 more
if you include the...
...the Maryland fried-chicken dinner.
No. I think he's just talking
club sandwiches.
Excuse me, Earl. Does that include
the fried-chicken dinner?
- Yes.
- It does.
Twenty-two deluxe sandwiches
and the fried-chicken dinner!
It's not human. He's not a person.
He's like a building with feet.
You know what I mean? It's unbelievable.
I won't pay you.
It's not fair.
She was supposed to grab your pecker,
not reach into the popcorn and get it.
- Exactly.
- She grabbed my pecker.
Boog, the bet was to touch your pecker,
not pecker in popcorn.
That's right. It was pecker-touching
without intention.
I'm not going to pay you.
No, she was supposed to grab your pecker.
- Give me some money.
- I don't buy it.
Yeah. I want it on the up-and-up.
Me too. This one was default.
Let it ride. I'll tell you what.
I'll bet you that I can ball Carol Heathrow
on our next date.
Now, you're nuts.
- No.
- Come on, Boog.
You want to bet me $50 a guy?
$50?
It's like stealing money from you, Boog.
- Are you in?
- Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.
- Are you in?
- I'm in.
- Are you in?
- I'm in.
All right.
Are you in, Billy?
No, I'm not in.
I'll take all the action I can get.
We need validation.
All right, you want validation?
Okay, you can be there to validate.
Sure.
- Earl is the king.
- The whole left side.
The Portland. I didn't think he could eat
any more than that.
Do you want to look at some desserts?
He's locking up.
Get 'em now or forget it.
- Can he do it?
- Yes. He's getting in the car.
Good breakfast, Earl.
- Try to keep it down, Earl.
- Standing ovation for the Earl. Standing O.
The car moves.
Don't get in the way.
That was beautiful. Grind 'em.
Peel some rubber now, Earl.
Let's meet here at 12:00
and go to the game in my car.
Let's make it quarter to.
I don't want to miss any pre-game crap.
Why don't we just go now?
That way we won't miss anything.
Shrevie! Wait a minute, we're talkin'
about the championship game.
For Christ's sake, let's get serious.
A quarter to.
- All right. I'll see you later.
- So long.
You got a ride?
- You going straight home?
- Yeah. Get in.
- It's no problem?
- Modell! Don't give me that. Get in.
You want me to go? I'll go.
Whatever you want.
I have to meet that girl. She is death.
- Very nice.
- Man, I'm in love.
Miss! Whoa, miss!
- Hey, miss!
- Watch the road.
Hold on a second.
I was admiring your horse.
Were you?
Do you ride Western as well?
I do, but I prefer English.
There's a finer sense of control.
What's your name?
Jane Chisholm. As in the Chisholm Trail.
What fucking Chisholm Trail?
Do you ever get the feeling there's
something going on we don't know about?
Do you get the feeling
that she gave me a fake name?
- Do you want to keep driving?
- Might as well call it a night.
Is there anything wrong, Barb?
No.
Yes. I think I'm pregnant.
Me?
Yes.
Our one night in New York last month.
Six years of a platonic relationship,
and then that night.
And this happens.
- Maybe it's for the best.
- No.
I don't think so.
Do you want to marry me?
Yes.
Is that why you came back
a few days early? To ask?
Well, I thought after New York,
you know...
Seven weeks is a long time
when you miss someone.
New York was a mistake.
Maybe it wasn't as romantic as we'd like it
to be, but I think it will happen.
It isn't perfect yet, but...
I love you, Barb.
You're confusing a friendship
with a woman and love.
It's not the same.
That's the opening whistle
and our game begins.
You're still playing
for a 30-point bonus question.
Here's another toss up in English.
Are you ready?
A spaceship is stranded on the planet
Mercury outside of the libration areas.
It is night, and pitch black outside.
For 10 points, how long must the explorers
wait until sunrise?
Sun doesn't rise on Mercury.
Bryn Mawr. Stebbins.
They won't get a sunrise
because Mercury has one side...
...perpetually turned toward the Sun
and the other away from it.
That's right. They would have
to wait forever. That's the answer.
I have a 20-point bonus coming up.
Here's your toss-up. For 10 points:
What would a man probably have...
...if he had a visible contusion
near the upper part of his zygomatic arch?
A black eye.
A sharp lump on his head.
Black eye, you bozo.
Bryn Mawr. Stebbins.
I think, let's see, he would have
a bump here.
You look like you've got a bump
on your head.
A black eye.
All right. We were looking for a black eye.
But I must accept a bruised cheekbone.
Yeah, Ma. I know I owe $2,000.
Guess what? I heard it before you.
What am I gonna do?
I'm choice. I'm gonna have to find
a way to pay it off.
Me? I've got $56 to my name.
Yeah, I know I'm in trouble.
Then they'll kill me. What can I tell you?
Here's your toss-up. For 10 points:
What home-grown philosopher said:
- "The masks of men lead lives..."
- Thoreau!
- Cornell. Pearlman.
- Thoreau.
Right, for 10 points. "Lead lives of quiet..."
That's right, for 10 points.
The statement inscribed
in the US Post Office:
"Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat,
nor gloom of night..."
Herodotus!
For 10 points, what classical author
wrote it?
- Herodotus.
- Right, for 10 points.
Hey, Cornell! Take a walk, you bozo.
...final half, with the score:
Bryn Mawr College, 104...
...and Cornell University, 60.
I talked to Shrevie.
He's going to lend me $200.
- You going over now?
- Yeah.
I might drop in on my brother,
maybe get some bucks from the toast.
Howard?
Really?
I appreciate that, Fen.
I know how you guys feel
about each other.
Listen. With the Heathrow bet
I'm gonna be close. I'll see ya later.
Beth?
- What?
- Come here.
I'm doing a crossword puzzle.
Come here!
What?
Have you been playing my records?
Yeah. So?
So, didn't I tell you the procedure?
You told me all about it, Shrevie.
They have to be in alphabetical order.
And what else?
They have to be filed alphabetically
and according to year as well. Okay?
And what else?
- And what else?
- I don't know.
You don't know?
Let me give you a hint, okay?
I found my James Brown record filed
under the J's, instead of the B's.
I don't know who taught you
to alphabetize.
But to top it off, he's in
the rock-and-roll section...
...instead of the R & B section.
How can you do that?
It's too complicated, Shrevie.
See, every time I pull out a record...
...there's this whole procedure
I have to go through.
I just want to hear the music, that's all.
Is it too complicated to just keep
my records in the category?
Just put the rock-and-roll
in with the rock-and-roll.
Put the R & B in with the R & B.
You're not going to put Charlie Parker
in with the rock-and-roll, would you?
Would you?
I don't know. Who is Charlie Parker?
Jazz! Jazz!
He was the greatest jazz saxophone player
that ever lived!
What are you getting so crazy about?
It's just music. It's not that big a deal.
It is. Don't you understand?
This is important to me.
Shrevie, why do you yell at me?
I never hear you yell at any of your friends.
Look. Pick a record. Okay?
- What?
- Just pick any record.
Any record. Okay.
What's the hit side?
Good Golly Miss Molly.
Now, ask me what's on the flip side.
Why?
Just ask me what's on the flip side. Okay?
What is on the flip side?
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey. 1958.
Specialty Records.
See, you don't ask me things like that.
You never ask me what's on the flip side.
No. Because I don't give a shit.
Who cares about what's on the flip side
of a record?
I do.
Every one of my records means something.
The label. The producer.
The year it was made.
Who was copying whose styles.
Who was expanding on that.
Don't you understand?
When I listen to my records...
...they take me back to certain points
in my life. Okay?
Just don't touch my records. Ever.
The first time that I met you...
...Modell's sister's high-school
graduation party. Right? 1955.
And Ain't That A Shame was playing
when I walked in the door.
- Hi, Boogie.
- How're you doin'?
- Is Shrevie here?
- No.
He's not here? I called him
a little while ago, and he said he'd be in.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Did I come at a bad time?
- No, it's all right.
What's the matter? Maybe I should go.
I'll come back later.
Should I leave? Should I?
What's the matter?
Boogie, does he ever yell at you?
What? What happened, baby?
We had a fight.
- Why did you have a fight?
- I don't know.
Do you want me to talk to him?
- Tell me why you had a fight.
- I don't know...
Come on, don't cry. Come on.
- Come on, baby.
- I did something wrong.
He's in trouble. Don't you know
about friendship, Howard?
$500?
$400, $300. Whatever you can afford.
Maybe this is a lesson for you.
If you worked, you'd have
some money to lend him.
Yeah, I know. I'm irresponsible.
I dropped out of college.
I won't work in the family business.
I'm a disgrace.
That's a good reason to keep me
out of your house, God knows.
You're a bad example.
Far be it for me to disagree.
Give me some money, Howard.
Do you ever read a book?
Read.
- Do you ever read?
- Never.
You should read Dale Carnegie's
How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Give me some money, Howard.
Where'd you get this attitude?
I borrowed it. I have to have it back
by midnight. Howard!
I should talk to Daddy about stopping
your trust fund.
It's killing your initiative.
Some big trust fund.
$100 a month till I'm 23.
Yeah, Granddad was a real Rockefeller.
Howard.
It's important.
I wouldn't come otherwise.
I don't like to see you,
so you know it's got to be very important.
Get off.
I despise you, and yet I'm here.
Get off.
It's funny. You know, when I was
a little kid I always wanted a brother...
...and I told that to Mom once.
And she said, "You have a brother."
And I said, "Oh, that's who the asshole
in the other bed is."
If I had my way,
I'd just date Elyse all my life.
- Hey, watch it, pal.
- Just date her.
I personally like dating.
- What are you doing it for?
- I've been datin' Elyse for five years.
I have no choice. You know how girls are.
Security and all that.
They need that thing, that marriage thing.
What am I watching?
The movie just started
and I don't know what's going on.
It's symbolic.
Who's that guy?
That's Death walking on the beach.
I've been to Atlantic City 100 times
and I never saw Death walk on the beach.
Kids.
Kids did this.
It's a sacrilege for Christ's sake.
What is this?
- Come on.
- What's wrong?
It's an emergency.
- What's up?
- Fenwick's in the manger.
- What?
- He's in the manger and he won't leave.
I've never seen him like this.
"O little town of Bethlehem
"How still we... lie"
- This is crazy.
- I told you.
Three more wise men.
They've heard of the miracle.
Let's go, Fen.
You must have traveled far.
Come. Come rest your weary feet.
Come on.
Get out of there. Someone'll spot you.
The police will be here.
Come on, Fen. Put your pants on.
This is a big smile. Don't you think?
Yeah, come on.
Come on.
- Let's go.
- No! No!
- Here we go.
- Fen, no! Fen!
- Eddie, get him.
- Get his arms.
Billy, grab him.
- I got him.
- Keep him. Hold on.
- Back! Back!
- Fenwick, put that sheep down.
- Put the sheep down.
- Stop screwing around.
Put the sheep down. We'll pick up
the three wise men and get out of here.
Police.
Fortunately, my work is done.
Nice, Fen. Very nice.
What do we do now?
Choice.
Thanks, pal.
I have some killer questions for the test.
Tomorrow night's the showdown.
Is she studying hard?
Better be. Otherwise,
she's off to Cuba alone.
Wish I knew what to do about Barbara.
You get married. You take her back
to school with ya.
You get a part-time job.
And by the time you've got your master's,
kid's arrived, all's well.
What about her job?
Her job?
Her job...
I give you an answer and you confuse it
by bringing her into the problem.
Do you want to take a walk?
Look, Ed. She's in this thing.
There's two of us, you know.
She loves her work and...
...she doesn't want to marry me.
That's the bottom line.
You're dealing with an irrational girl.
That's your problem.
Do you want to find someplace else
to stand, buddy?
You going to do something about it?
You heard him! Schmuck, back off!
You going to do something about it?
Do you want to fight?
Is that what you want? Come on.
Come on, you son of a bitch.
I'll hit you so hard,
I'll kill your whole family.
What's going on?
What?
I've got him right here.
We called Timmy's father, but he said
he wouldn't post bail until the morning.
He wants to teach him a lesson.
We get back from Florida, open the door,
and the police call.
That's what I call good timing.
- How's Mom?
- She's fine.
- He was punching out wise men?
- Yeah, he was punching out the wise men.
He was so drunk I couldn't believe it.
I can't believe that his father leaves him
in jail overnight.
He's punching out the wise men
and knocks over the whole manger?
His family situation is not the best.
Between his father and his brother...
"But why furnish your enemies
with ammunition?
"You're a family man, Harvey.
And someday, God willing...
"...you may want to be president.
And there you are, out in the open...
"...where any hep person knows that
this guy is toting this guy around with you.
- "Are we kids, or what?"
- Get out of here!
"Thanks, J.J., for what I consider
sound advice."
Would you get out of here?
- Is he crazy, or am I mistaken?
- He's weird.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing
by getting married?
Eddie, I can't tell you that.
I keep thinking that I'm going to be
missing out on things.
That's what marriage is all about.
But I never did a lot before. You know.
What?
I never did a lot of...
...not a lot of screwing around.
Some, you know. Of course. A little.
A little?
A little.
You son of a bitch.
You're a virgin, aren't you?
Technically.
You've got a lot to learn.
Who am I gonna learn it from?
Elyse?
Elyse doesn't know anything.
We could be in trouble.
Barbara, this is stupid. I mean, it's crazy.
I don't understand you, Barbara.
It's mine as well.
I have something to say in this too.
Don't I?
I'm not talking about
doing anything drastic.
An abortion, or anything like that.
- I have the feeling that I'm not included.
- Keep your voice down.
Who do you think you're talking to?
I'm half responsible for this mess.
Please, don't talk so loud.
This isn't the time or place
to talk about this very private matter.
- When is the time to talk about it?
- You're yelling...
Why don't we take a 10-minute break?
Barbara, what are we going to do?
We've got to talk about this.
We've got to try...
I can't believe this happened to me.
I'm hardly the adventurous type.
Somehow it just doesn't seem fair,
and that makes it very difficult.
Of course it's difficult.
Whether it's fair or not
makes no difference.
It's happened,
we must work it out together.
I know.
I have a great feeling for you, Willy.
You're my closest friend.
Barbara, I want you to marry me.
I will not marry you.
Not out of convenience.
Not because it's the thing to do,
which is what everybody else does.
Do you think that I'm asking you
to marry me because...
...it's what everybody else does?
Someday I may change my hairstyle,
but not yet.
- Okay. Whenever you're ready.
- All right.
The style you have
looks really good on you.
Thank you.
Watch your head.
Hi, Boog.
How you doin', Beth?
- Here's the Post.
- Thank you.
Is Mr. Andre here?
No. Mr. Andre, he stepped out
to get some coffee and donuts.
He'll be back. What's up?
We're all supposed to have our hair done
for the wedding.
The bridesmaids, the whole group.
And I'm in charge to make sure
that Mr. Andre can handle it...
...without any problems. Maybe get some
extra operators or something.
Yeah, I don't know what he has...
Can you get this?
I don't know what he has planned.
You're not going to go to work
that day are you?
No, but I'm sure he's got
something arranged.
Why don't you sit down over there
and he'll be right in.
Okay.
I'm gonna go out for a second.
- It's cold out here. I should get my coat.
- Come on. It's not that cold.
Where are we gonna go?
Let's go down here to my office.
- This is your office?
- Yeah.
Get in.
- What's the matter?
- You had a payment to make.
I'm going to make it.
You were supposed to make it last night.
Nobody in the office got a call.
That was a mistake. I forgot.
I've placed some bets tonight.
I'm gonna have it.
- Don't bullshit me, Boogie.
- I'm not bullshitting.
Tank, cut it out. I'm gonna make it.
Tank, what are you doing?
Who do you think you're fuckin' with,
some kid?
What are you doing?
Fun and games, a little kids' play
or something?
- I'll have it.
- I'm not amused.
- I'm not amused. Hear me?
- Don't hit me.
- Tank, what are you doing?
- No ifs, ands, or buts. All right?
- I'm gonna have it.
- Tonight.
Tank, don't...
Carol.
I was just thinking about you.
What?
The flu?
Yeah, I know.
That doesn't sound too good.
Yeah.
102, huh?
Yeah, well listen. All right.
All right. Take care, and...
All right.
I'll call you back later and check up on you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
You feeling better?
Yeah, well, I'm not crying.
I think that's about the only improvement.
Boog, I want to thank you for last night.
I guess I just needed someone.
Don't thank me. It was... I don't know.
It just kind of felt like old times, you know?
Standing in the doorway,
I kind of felt like I was dating you again.
Boog, when we were datin',
did you care for me?
Sure I did.
No, I don't mean just because
you could do stuff to me, but...
...but because you really cared.
Of course, Beth. I mean there was plenty
of girls around for a quick pop.
If that's what I wanted.
But I got to tell you, you were good.
I was?
Believe me.
How would I rate?
You would rate way up there.
'Cause, I never told you this, but...
...I often think of the nights
that we spent together.
And that was a long time ago.
I don't have any sense of myself anymore.
I don't know what I am.
I don't know if I'm pretty or if I'm...
I just, I have no sense of me anymore.
Listen.
I don't know what Shrevie doesn't tell you.
But you don't have anything
to worry about.
You're a definite looker.
You're a very, listen to me...
...you're a very sexy lady. You are.
I think maybe we should...
...well, go out sometime.
I think we should get together.
Is Shrevie going to go over...
...for Elyse's football test?
Yeah.
Well?
I don't know.
Are you going?
No.
What do you think?
Maybe we can go out tonight, huh, Boog?
Yeah.
Yeah, we can get together.
Was George Shaw a first-round
draft choice?
First-round draft choice? True.
Wrong. He was a bonus pick.
Elyse, did you study?
Okay. That concludes the true-and-false
section of the test.
Let me get the short-answer stuff in order.
- Can I have a glass of water?
- No.
How's she doing?
Elyse has about a 72 so far.
But she's hitting a bad streak.
Before the Cleveland Browns joined
the NFL, they were in another league.
What was it called?
They were in another league?
- Yes, they were.
- I don't know.
This is hot. You have anything cold?
Elyse, don't get too close
to the answer sheet. Okay?
What's it now, Shrev?
Let me see.
What, passing is 65?
No. Passing is 65.
Buddy Young played for a team
that no longer exists.
What was the name of that team?
Anybody know that?
Not a chance.
The New York Yankees football team.
The New York Yankees football team?
They also were part of
the All-American Football Conference.
I contributed that question.
What was the longest run from scrimmage
by a rookie in his first game?
Alan Ameche.
Hey! We heard that in here.
I'm disqualifying this question.
I knew that. Seventy-nine yard run,
opening day 1955.
Good, Shrevie. You blew that.
I'm sorry. I got excited.
It's one of the few questions that I knew.
Sorry, Elyse.
- How many more?
- I don't know. I lost count.
Elyse's mother is on the phone.
How's she doing?
The guys think it could go either way.
Either way. Okay.
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- No. Okay. The Colts signed him.
A Heisman Trophy winner who decided
to play in Canada.
Now, however, he plays for the team.
What's his name?
Heisman Trophy winner.
- L.G. Dupre.
- No. Billy Vessels.
- I should've known that.
- Should-ofs don't count.
Vessels. Out of Oklahoma.
She could have racked up points
on that one.
I have no idea what the score is now.
You want to bet she goes down
for the count?
Last question. The Colts had a team here,
lost the franchise...
...then got one from Dallas.
What were the colors
of the original Colt team?
Ball buster.
- The original colors?
- My mother quizzed me on this.
Also my question.
- Green and gray.
- Right.
What a scrapper.
A tough question and she pulls it
out of the bag.
Very impressive.
Total's coming up.
True and false, 72.
Killer choices. Very confusing.
Short answer, 64.
- What do you think?
- I don't know. Pick 'em.
Cliffhanger.
The total is 63.
Sixty-three.
- I think you better check that again.
- Two points.
I checked the figures thoroughly.
- What will he do?
- He'll give 'em to her.
Good sportsmanship is worth two points.
Eddie, what about the Alan Ameche
question? I knew that one.
The marriage is off.
Hi.
- Where are we going?
- We'll go to Fenwick's apartment.
Hey, listen. Put this on.
What's that for?
In case somebody sees us.
They'll think you're Carol Heathrow
or somebody like that.
It's the craziest thing.
How does it look?
You look good.
Okay. Let's go.
I gave him the questions. What's thisjazz?
They were wonderful questions.
Go drive your truck.
Ask your son if they weren't
wonderful questions.
- I wasjust trying to have some fun.
- Don't raise your voice.
- I don't want you to raise your voice...
- How did I know it would end up like this?
- I'm going to the diner. Want to go?
- I got to validate the Heathrow bet.
Yeah, that's right.
Do you mind if I go with ya?
Come on. I'm not going to make any noise.
- It's a small closet. You've got to be still.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's take my car.
- No. Let's take mine. Get some fresh air.
Let's put the top up. It's freezing out here.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- Let's go. Let's fly.
- Okay, Shrev. All right.
Any forward gear will do here.
Beth would kill me if she knew
what I was doing.
My Prayer?
Flip side, Heaven on Earth, recorded by
The Platters for Mercury Records.
Color of the label, maroon. Another.
I'm Stickin' With You?
I'm Stickin' With You,
flip side is Ever Lovin' Fingers.
Recorded by Jimmy Bowen
for Roulette Records.
Color of the label is orange. All right.
- Donna?
- Donna.
- Flip side?
- I thought Donna was the flip side.
It's La Bamba.
- Come on, I'll crouch. You stand.
- Fine.
- All right?
- Yeah, that'll be good.
- Can you see?
- Yeah.
I'm okay.
- Let's leave it open. I'm claustrophobic.
- Come on, Shrev.
- I should have taken my coat off too.
- Take it off. It's a closet.
Oh, God.
She's beautiful.
That's good?
You're going to have to be real quiet
when we get inside. No talking.
I think you're being a little paranoid, Boog.
The wall's are very, very thin.
You promise?
Okay.
Did you leave the door open?
What door?
What's going on?
They should be here by now.
- Boog, what are you talking about?
- Bet or no bet, it's not right.
Boog? Boog, what are you talking about?
Where are they?
- They're taking their time.
- I wonder what's happening down there.
- Come on, Boog.
- I think we're missing the show.
So, I was supposed to be Carol Heathrow?
That's right.
It was a sick thing to do.
I'm sorry.
Thanks, Boog.
What for?
You had enough respect for me
to call it off. That says a lot.
Look. I think you and Shrevie
should try to work out your thing.
Yeah. I just wish I knew what to do.
Yeah, I don't know. It's like...
This kind of problem with a girl,
I'm not too good about talking about it.
But, you know me.
If I have a problem with a girl, I just split.
But I think you and Shrevie should
work your thing out.
I think it would be worth it.
Boog, when I came to the beauty parlor
this morning, and...
...you said all those things...
...were you lying?
You'll always rate right up there.
- Come on, let's go.
- Okay.
What are you going to do
about the money?
I don't know.
Come on, Boog. Don't let us down, buddy.
We're missing all the action.
I'll bet he's getting her in hallway.
Can we have a couple more beers
over here?
Do you remember coppin' a feel?
How could I forget?
Boogie was the first. Seventh grade.
When I took out Ruth Ray,
I figured I had to do it.
- Ruth Ray, eighth grade.
- Right.
Sat on the couch
in her club cellar for hours...
...trying to figure out
how to get my arm around her.
Finally, I learned the move.
Do you know the move?
I yawned and put my arm
around her shoulder.
Then... Man, was I young.
Then came the big task of getting my hand
down to her breast.
By the time I got the nerve
to move down...
...I realized that my arm was asleep.
- No?
- Yeah.
There wasn't time enough to take it away,
get the feeling again, and start over.
I had to be in by 11:00.
Time was runnin' out.
The breast was moved toward,
with my arm asleep.
My first copping a feel was like this.
That doesn't even count.
Then I see the guys. You were there.
They say, "Did you cop a feel?"
I said, "Yeah." The guys said,
"How was it?" I said, "Great."
Do you mean to tell me that
you never copped a feel from Ruth Ray?
No.
You lied to me?
- I ought to kill you.
- You believed me.
I was dumb.
And you believed me, you dick.
Yeah, the whole thing with girls is painful.
And it seems like it keeps getting
more painful instead of easier.
Hey, Boog's here.
Where were you tonight?
We missed you Boog?
Yeah. You chicken out?
Yep, I chickened out.
Listen, Boog.
I think you should get out of here.
Tank's inside.
Why don't you wait out here till he splits?
He's just going to catch up with me
sooner or later.
I mean the hand is dealt.
I might as well just play the cards.
What do you think we should do,
in case something happens?
I don't know.
How're you doin', Tank?
You're a lucky man, Boog.
Yeah. Is that so?
This donkey in here, Bagel,
he paid your whole tab.
Bagel paid the money that I owe you?
Yeah, Boog. You're straight, like an arrow.
Shame, shame.
- Hey, Tank.
- Yeah?
All right, Boogie!
I owed you that.
What a punch!
Nice punch, Boogie. He put him down.
Smile of the week.
Definitely the smile of the week!
- What do you say, George?
- Nothing.
Thanks a lot, Bagel. I really appreciate it.
Your mother called me.
- She did?
- Yeah. She was hysterical.
So, out of respect for your father.
Your mother told me you're just
wasting your time in law school.
It's not for you. What do you say?
She's probably right.
So, why don't you come work for me?
You can't imagine...
...how much money there is to be made
in the home-improvement business.
And I can't think of anybody
who'd do it better than you would.
I'll tell ya. I was only going to law school...
...as a come-on for the girls.
They like that.
- Do they like it a lot?
- Yeah. They like it.
I mean, what the hell? I could lie.
Florence, could I have some French fries
with gravy please?
We'll call the $2,000 an advance.
Okay, but I've got
to tell you something, Bagel.
I'll work with you for a little while
until we square it off.
But, you know I got plans.
Always a dreamer, hey, Boog?
If you don't have good dreams, Bagel,
you got nightmares.
I'll tell you one thing that happens
when you get married.
You have to give up your old friends.
Because the wife wants you
to get new friends.
And new friends?
Nope. Cause you and me, buddy...
...we got secrets she'll never know.
Never know. Those new friends
could never be as good.
Nope.
We've got a history.
A history.
It won't change, Ed. Only if you let it.
This is getting me crazy. Come on.
Pick it up, guys!
You want to pick up the beat?
- Be quiet or we'll get thrown out.
- You going to pick up the beat?
It's classical.
That's crazy, man.
I'll pay for it. No problem.
My buddy!
That's better.
Come on, honey. You can shake it.
Billy, you've got magic fingers.
A regular Fats Domino.
Hold on a second.
Come on. Firstjoke you remember.
Fifth grade, Junior Scholastic Magazine.
Okay. "Hickory dickory doc.
The mouse ran up the clock.
"The clock struck one, and the other two
escaped with minor injuries."
- That's terrible.
- Fifth-grade humor.
Since then, it's moved up
to the sixth grade. Is that it?
- You're all right.
- You guys have really made my night.
You should come down
and hang out more often.
I can't. I'm gettin' married.
She would have gotten the Alan Ameche
question that Shrev screwed up.
- Benefit of the doubt.
- Exactly.
I love weddings.
I just never found the time to settle,
or even wanted to.
And you?
No marriage.
Got a girl?
Not really. Just in love.
- Does the girl know?
- Yeah, I told her about it.
Told her.
Didn't you show her?
Nice morning.
Yes, it is.
Mornings, I've often felt,
are a nice time to ride.
- Do you live around here?
- Not around here. Here.
Which means, you're trespassing.
- I'm just waiting for an invite.
- So, let's ride.
What's your name?
Boogie.
- Boogie?
- Bobby Sheftell.
Isn't she beautiful?
- What is that music?
- It's the Colt's marching song.
It's very tasteful. Very tasteful.
In the presence of this company
as witness, you have spoken the words...
...and performed the rites
which unite your lives.
I therefore declare, you Edward,
and you Elyse...
...husband and wife.
And now I ask you,
and all your dear ones here...
...to bow your heads in reverence.
Silently, let us pray,
that God will bless your home...
...and help you to achieve
your highest hopes.
Amen.
- You look very pretty.
- Thank you.
Blue becomes you.
I made us some reservations...
...for the summer in the Poconos.
For how long?
I think we might go for 10 days.
Ten days is good, yeah.
I'm thinking of going to Europe.
Why don't you stay in the United States
and just travel around?
I don't know. It's been done. Europe.
Europe looks like a smile.
Yes, I'll have my master's in business.
And then, I guess I'll come back.
"Blue moon
"You saw me standing alone"
Every time we go to a wedding,
we have to listen to this guy.
"Without a dream in my heart..."
I'll visit you, of course.
I'm not moving to another country.
Please come back soon.
I'll make you sandwiches. All right?
"Blue moon
"You knewjust what I was there for
"You heard me say a prayer for..."
I'm getting some hors d'oeuvres.
Would you like any?
Yeah, Bobby. Can I have a few more
of whatever these are?
They're good. Thank you.
Hi, boys.
Hello, test.
I don't want to bother you.
Ljust wanted to say a few words.
I didn't prepare anything or anything.
The guys told me to come up
and say a few words.
I was thinking that now
that Eddie's getting married, and...
...he won't really be hanging out
with the guys anymore...
...ljust wanted to say that we were
never really that crazy about you.
I'll be quite honest.
I didn't want to tell you sooner
because you're a sensitive person.
Ljust want to thank everybody
who's responsible for your being here.
I don't know if everybody knows what
Elyse had to go through to get married.
She was two points away from spending
the rest of her life by herself.
It was very... It was a sad thing.
And now she knows more about football
than most girls in America.
It's important, it really is.
We all know most marriages depend
on a firm grasp of football trivia.
Eddie gets crazy sometimes with sports.
I don't know if you know him, but...
...it's one thing to dress the room
in blue and white, with banners...
...and the cake in the shape of a football.
It was a little too much.
I thought it was out of line
when Eddie asked the Rabbi...
...to wear black and white stripes
and a whistle. That was wrong.
Would you look at this?
Another article talking
about this theory of evolution.
Can I have the sport's page?
Do you believe this?
I don't buy the whole thing.
They're saying that millions of years ago
there was a swamp.
I don't want to hear it.
In the middle of this murky, disgusting,
boggy water swamp, there's an amoeba.
This amoeba meets another amoeba...
...and they have a kid who's a fish
who crawls onto land.
And from one lousy amoeba
millions of years ago...
...that today there's some guy with
a winter coat on a corner yelling "Taxi!"
Where's that connection?
How can that possibly be?
- An amoeba has no legs.
- Why do you care how we evolved?
They can float.
- We're all animals.
- You're going to argue this with him?
It's notjust people.
It's not even animals, chickens, come on.
- How could chickens live in a swamp?
- That's ridiculous.
They can't even make it
out of a pot of frying oil.
Think of chickens, dogs, birds, cows,
little Cocker Spaniel puppies...
...living in a muddy swamp.
It's enough to make you sick.
Girls don't come from the same swamp,
that's for sure.
I don't know who makes up this stuff.
It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
People do not come from swamps.
They come from Europe.
- Where do people in Europe come from?
- What am I? Rand-McNally? It's...
Let me ask you something personal.
Sure.
Is it true that you took out Arlene Stanton?
- You heard that?
- Yeah.
Get out of here. Of course not.
Come on, it was Arlene.
Would you look at her?
- Would you touch...
- Would you?
- You're embarrassed, don't want to say.
- Get out of here.
- Once. I took her once.
- Did you spend money on her?
I'm not marrying her.
I went out for a drive.
- Why did you deny it when I asked you?
- I didn't deny that.
Wouldn't you deny it?
Ljust want to ask you a question.
Did you touch her, at all?
Of course not.
- Did you touch anything she touched?
- Did she touch you?
You guys are sick, you know that.
I heard you kissed her goodnight.
I'm dropping her off. You got to be polite.
Remind me never to kiss you.
- I'll make a note about that one, Shrev.
- Disgusting, Shrevie.
- You want to hear one?
- Yeah, go.
This guy's going home from work.
He has a brand new car.
- What kind of car?
- Doesn't matter.
- Brand new car, it doesn't matter.
- Let's hear it.
So, he pulls into this bar.
He says "Give me,
give me a scotch and soda."
He's drunk, right.
Would you let me tell thejoke?
So, he says:
"Yeah, give me a scotch and soda."
And so the bartender says:
"Do you really think
you should be having one?"
Why?
- Why what?
- Why should he not be having one?
I'mjust telling you thejoke.
I don't know why he asks him.
So he looks at the guy and says:
"Sir, maybe it's none
of my business, but..."
- Oh, what?
- He forgot something.
This guy has no arms and no legs.
- How could he drive the car?
- It's a funnyjoke, but it doesn't work now.
Finish it.
No, I'm starting ajoke.
I spend 10 minutes building ajoke up.
- Let him finish.
- Now it's not going to be funny.
- Come on.
- It's not funny now.
- Tell thejoke.
- Just say it.
Do you remember that time
they brought a girl in here?
When was that?
- The only girl that ever set foot...
- They brought a girl here.
There's never been a woman.
- When we were in 10th grade...
- Everyone was younger.
- This place was great then.
- It was great.
Nice cars then, huh?
It used to be so cool to be older
and hang out here. But now...
But now we're older, and we're cooler,
and we're still hangin' out here.