Poor Jacobson.
He took his stapler?
How pitiful is that?
Still, you got to hand it to him...
he wen! for it.
That was his big mistake.
Always stay in
the middle of the pack.
It's the frontrunners
who fall off the cliff.
At least Jacobson made it
up on the seventh floor.
It smells like cabbage on this floor.
That's the smell of dead dreams.
I go to the clubs at night
and people are like,
"Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?"
Do you know how hard it is to get laid
when you smell like coleslaw?
NO! hard, but Still.
He had a pretty sweet office. I wonder whos gonna get it?
You wonder who's gonna get his office?
Jesus, Josh, why don't
you show a little class?
The guy just got fired.
- Im gonna get that office.
- Youd better, Tim.
You need that job. With that car youre driving and that apartment?
You're overextended.
These opportunities
don't come along all the time.
Right now, the window's open
and if you hesitate, bam!
You're gonna be my assistant.
Assistant to an assistant.
You can't go lower.
It's a shitty job, Tim.
Do you think Julie's
gonna marry you then?
Don't mess this up.
- Good pep talk.
- All right. Go, team!
The whole reason we bought
the plant was to shut the factory,
shed the workforce
and sell the equipment.
But now, it's all contaminated
with low-level radiation.
- Nobody wants to touch it.
- Americans are so uptight
- about radiation.
- They are.
But the Russians are a little less
particular about this sort of thing.
I like it. Get two bids.
Drive up the price.
- OK, that makes sense.
- On a different note, you'll notice
hat our colleague, Doug Jacobson, has been relieved of his duties. I
Mr. Jacobson led us right to the edge,
playing around in the currency markets.
As a consequence, tomorrow morning,
I want ten ideas to make up
for his mistakes.
- What are you doing?
- I have an idea.
An analyst...
- ...has an idea. OK, then.
- Nice knowing you, buddy.
Sixth floor, stepping up, Nice!
It's all right. it's dead.
It's manufactured by Mueller Armaments,
from Zurich, Switzerland.
It's a company that made
a fortune during World War I.
Now they're sitting on
a bunch of bombs
that even the worst armies
in the world don't want.
All right, so we
cannibalize the company...
,,,who's gonna buy the pieces?
Oh, no, we're not gonna
strip this one down.
Novelty lamps. Great idea.
We could literally make
hundreds of dollars. Hundreds.
- Who cares about lamps?
- Marlin Mueller does.
When Martin isnt busy running his familys business into the ground,
he's either yachting
or buying art for his castle.
The business is going under,
but his personal fortune is vast.
Nearly half a billion.
I heard he was in town, so I sent
a prototype over to his hotel.
He loved the lamps.
He wants to sit down.
The lamps are really just a way
to get our foot in the door.
We're gonna lose money on them.
But we'll make millions
managing his personal portfolio.
Mueller keeps his business.
We've got a brand-new client.
- Everybody wins.
- Everybody wins. That's a new one.
- Caldwell, you want to take the lead?
- Absolutely.
I'll ride shotgun.
Actually, I was hoping
I could take the lead.
Let me think... no.
You should've quit
while you were ahead, buddy.
You know what they say...
tallest tree gets chopped down first.
- Well, that went well.
- Mr. Conrad?
Have you got a second?
Come in!
You can just set
your bombs by the door.
You put on quite a show
in there. Sit down,
Oh, that looks good on him, right?
Yep. Better than it did on Jacobson.
You're gonna need a nicer watch.
Nicer watch, nicer suit.
Hey, to the ballsiest guy
on the sixth floor.
Not gonna be on
the sixth floor for long.
Does that mean
this is my new office?
Not yet. No, I want to
get to know you a little better.
I host a dinner once a month.
- Next one's on Saturday.
- Great, OK.
And it's top secret.
You can't tell anyone.
What are we talking about here? Orgy?
Is it a human sacrifice of some kind?
We're... collectors.
Ill let the guys fill you in.
Some people collect
vintage automobiles.
Some people collect fine wines.
Fender collects people.
- People?
- Yeah.
Each of us Ends a remarkable person
and invites them to dinner at Fender's.
We call it the Dinner for Winners.
Here's the guy that I invited last year.
There you go. Look at that.
The guy designed that suit.
Real-life Iron Man.
- He took first prize.
- He's an idiot.
You got it.
You invite idiots to dinner
and make fun of them?
That's,,. messed up.
- I know, right?
- It's completely messed up.
Al the end of the night, Fender picks
the best one, gives him a trophy
and we release him out
in the wild, none the wiser.
Yeah. No harm, no foul.
Hey, you're gonna do great.
Just have a little subtlety
when you pick your guy.
Fender's a connoisseur.
Yeah. Hey, and no mimes.
It's a clich.
Jacobson brought a mime.
Exactly. And you don't see
his shit here, anymore, do you?
- Hey.
- Hey!
Congratulations.
So how did it go?
What happened today?
Oh, I'll tell you later.
Look at this crowd!
I know, it's amazing.
We actually sold every painting.
That's incredible! Oh, my God!
Except that I did another on of my name-fiasco thingies
Oh, God, What happened?
The director of
San Francisco MoMA is here.
His name is Steve Doche.
And I thought that it
was pronounced "Douche."
God. It's like the Ron Fuchs
episode all over again.
Well, it actually kind of
loosened things up, and...
...and he's giving Kieran a solo show,
and he wants me to curate it.
Oh, my God!
You know, that is so like you!
You call a guy a douche
and get your first
museum show out of it.
You're amazing.
I love you so much.
Youre stunning and youre smart an youre just awful with pronunciation.
- Hey!
- I'm not Fuching around here.
Marry me.
I love you.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.
But remember when
you asked me before,
and I said this is a big step, and maybe
we should just wait a little bit?
Yeah?
- That was two days ago.
- I know. I know.
I just need a little bit of time.
All right. I'll ask you in two hours.
Let's go.
Wow, it's packed.
So, where's the artiste?
I always try and create
some tension in my work.
Once a reviewer said
of a certain piece of mine,
may said, "i mink mars disgusting."
I said, "Good! I want it
to disgust you."
Sometimes I'll be working on a piece
and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit."
So I will literally rub bull excrement
on the piece as a meta... metaphor.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
Julie.
Kieran, you remember Tim?
- The stockbroker.
- No. No.
I work for a private equity firm
that specializes in distressed assets.
- So kind of a stockbroker.
- Almost nothing like a stockbroker.
Do you mind if I just
call you stockbroker?
It's the way I remember people.
You're stockbroker Tim.
Hey, so what do you think?
Really... tremendous work.
They're so big.
And you're in all of them.
Come with me, Tim.
Enjoy.
I have a little ranch... I say little.
It's absolutely massive
if you actually measure,
outside of town, where I go to
disappear, get away from this bullshit.
One of my zebras was in labor.
It was a messy business.
The foal was in breech.
At about the 22nd hour,
I just said, "Stuff it."
And I just thrust my hand in,
turned the little guy around.
Do you have any idea what its like
to be up to your elbow...
in a zebra's vagina?
And feel life? New life, fresh life.
- No, I don't.
- You should try it, Tim. It's magical.
Yeah, I'm OK.
She let me keep the afterbirth
to create this piece.
Oh, wow, that's disgusting.
I don't think I get it, Kieran.
Poppycock. You've been
stockbroking too long, Tim.
What does it make you think of?
I guess it kind of makes me...
...think of your penis.
Then you get it.
Julie gets it.
Hi, I need you to talk to a buyer.
This way.
See you in a bit.
Do you know what its like to have
your entire head inside its anus?
Julie? Poppycock.
OK, so you're just completely
immune to his animal magnetism?
He looks good in a pair
of hooves. What can I say?
So, are you gonna tell me
what happened today?
I think I might've
gotten that promotion.
Really? Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- Well...
- When? When do you start?
All right, well, it's not
official yet. It's not official.
- There's this dinner.
- Good. When is it?
- it's Saturday.
- OK. We can do that.
No, it's not really
a girlfriend type thing.
It's really the guys from the office.
- And we have to bring a person.
- What do you mean, "a person?"
A person with a skill
or a talent of some kind.
Are you talking about strippers,
here? 'Cause I'm not...
No, no. Nothing like that. No.
We have to bring an idiot
to dinner to make fun of them.
- OK, that is messed up.
- I know,
- I know.
- So you told them you're not going.
Oh, yeah. No, absolutely.
Tell Fender I can't make the dinner.
Tell him my back thing is acting up,
and I have to stay
in bed for a few days.
Why don't I just tell him
you're having your period?
Um, I can't stay
on this floor anymore.
These people are pathetic!
Happy birthday, Carol.
Why can? you just suck it up,
make fun of some idiots and stop
thinking about yourself for once?
Susana, I know this
is painful for you,
but sometimes in life
you have to do the right thing.
Just lie. l!'s not that hard.
I'm texting a lie right now!
Jesus Christ!
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm OK.
- Is that a Porsche?
- Yeah.
I have been hit by a Datsun before.
- Never a Porsche.
- Oh, man...
- Barry Speck.
- Tim Conrad.
Are you sure you're OK?
I didn't see you. What were you doing?
Well, I saw this little guy in
the street, I was trying to save him.
- I think it's dead.
- Yes, that's why he couldn't run away.
A couple more seconds,
you would've squished him.
Nice pelt, though.
Ready?
I hope those aren't for your lawyer.
No. I would rather
not have lawyers get involved.
All right, I get it.
You said you were fine, but...
What would it take
to keep the lawyers out?
Five.
Five dollars.
I don't... What do you mean?
- Ten dollars.
- Seriously, what? Come on.
How much do you want?
- Hundred dollars.
- I don't want anything.
- Five hundred dollars.
- I don'!... It's OK.
- All right...
- As long as you're OK, then...
Ten thousand!
OK, I'll take ten thousand dollars.
I don't have ten thousand dollars.
You know what? Don't worry about it.
- Really?
- Yeah. As long as you're OK.
- You're a good person.
- No... It's all right.
- Get out of the road!
- You are. You're a good person.
- Thank you.
- No, you really are.
- You're a really nice person.
- All right, well, as long as you're OK,
- that's OK.
- Thanks. Thank you.
Yeah. You take care.
I won't forget this.
- You dropped your...
- Oh, yeah. That's my latest series.
I know. Mouseterpieces. Get it?
- That's the Mona Lisa.
- That's the Mouse-a-Lisa.
- Mouse-a-Lisa...
- There they are.
Found her on the 405. From here down,
she was a mess, but the head, perfect.
Oh, that's Cubism,
Not as easy as it looks.
Well, it doesn't look easy.
I like her. I love the tail.
- Check that out. You like them?
- I'm speechless.
So is he.
'Cause he's screaming.
I was just stopping by the store today
to get some pelt wax and spine wire.
Wanted to ill the guys in
on what I've been up to,
Hey, you know what? I have some
in the flesh. Want to see 'em?
Where did they...?
Come here! Come here!
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't look!
- OK... All right...
- Can I look?
Hold on, hold on, hold on...
Go ahead.
Incredible.
Does that guy look sort of familiar?
I'll give you a hint.
He wrote the Bible.
- ls it Jesus?
- Yes!
- You know your stuff!
- Amazing.
Yeah. Well, it's a hobby.
I like to think that...
...I'm sort of giving them
a second chance, you know?
In the words of John Lennon, "You
may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."
- "The only one."
- The only what?
No, that's the lyric. "You may say I'm
a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
OK, Tim.
You know, Barry, this was
a very strange way to meet,
but I think everything
happens for a reason.
Did you make that up?
Yeah.
"Everything happens
for a reason." I like that.
Thanks. Anyway, tomorrow night,
I'm having dinner with some friends.
Are you? That's incredible.
Congratulations.
I was wondering,
would you like to join us?
- You shitting me?
- No.
Say that your girlfriend
thinks meat is murder,
and she convinces
you to become a vegetarian.
Then one day, you're grilling up
a veggie burger, and all of a sudden,
a chicken comes up, plucks itself,
covers itself in barbecue sauce
and flings itself on the grill.
That's God sending a message, right?
Yeah, that chicken wants to die.
No. God wants us
to move to the seventh floor.
And He sent His only son to tell me.
Come with me, my children,
to the seventh floor,
Tim! I'd like you to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Mueller
Of course! What a pleasure
it is to meet you.
Mr. Conrad!
You sent the lamp to my hotel.
- That's... yeah!
- I wished to meet you in person.
Yes, Tim was really helpful when
we came up with the idea for the lamps.
And we'd been discussing
personal investment as well.
That's a conversation I'm very much
looking forward to getting back to.
- Well, I'm glad we could do this.
- Yeah.
Congratulations on your
new Matisse. It's beautiful.
My wife is a true collector.
It was quite a bidding war.
Well, to the victor go the spoils.
You know my family crest.
Our motto continues to inspire.
- Ad Victorem Spolias.
- Fantastic.
- Well, shall we?
- Yeah.
Join us.
So you follow the art world,
Mr. Conrad?
I try to. My girlfriend runs
The Cronin Gallery downtown.
I would love to meet her.
We must have brunch tomorrow.
They can speak about beauty.
We can speak about business.
Sounds perfect.
I'll have my assistant
make the arrangements.
OK, what the hell just happened?
This guys supposed to be my client.
- You're still just an analyst...
- No, no, this is better.
I didn't know it was
going to be a double date.
Tim's the only one here who
isn't divorced or dating a hooker.
This guy wants to invest $100 million.
Don't mess it up. We need this.
Well, the sixth floor steps up.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Hey, rooting for you, buddy, Good luck.
- My girlfriend's not a hooker.
- She tried to give me a BJ.
If she didn't ask for money,
then she's not a hooker, is she?
She asked me for money.
It wasn't that expensive, either.
I still had a ton of singles left over
from your sister's birthday party.
Hey, is Cinnamon a family name?
- Hey, honey.
- Hey!
Glad you're still here. Look,
don't make plans tomorrow morning.
Why?
How'd you like to have brunch
with a fascinating Swiss couple?
- OK.
- She's an art collector
and he's got a lot of money.
- I need you. This is huge.
- it's huge?
- Really huge.
- What's this?
What is this?
That's a...
It's a mouse dressed like Jesus.
This guy that I ran into today,
he makes them.
He's amazing.
He's some kind of artisan.
Really? Are you doing that dinner?
No.
- Hey, come on.
- No, not when you're lying to me.
- Julie, Fender invited me.
- So?
Fender, as in Fender Financial?
The you I know
would have just said no.
The me that you know did say no.
But the me that you don't know
had to say yes.
- The you I don't know?
- Yes.
Look, there's you
and the me that you know.
And we love each other
and we have a wonderful life.
But then there's the me
that you don't know.
And the me that you don't know
has to do things sometimes so that you
and the me that you know
can live in this nice apartment,
and eat at nice restaurants
and go to Cabo for Christmas.
- He takes care of us.
- You know what?
There should not be
any you I don't know.
But there is.
You might not like him.
I don't like him.
I hate him! But we need him.
- You know? It's like the CIA.
- The CIA?
The CIA does some pretty funky,
nasty stuff in the shadows,
but I, for one, am glad they're there.
The CIA doesn't invite people to dinner
- to make fun of them.
- No. The CIA kills people.
And I'm getting raked over the coals
because of a little dinner.
Can I just ask you something?
Is there any you I don't know
who isn't completely full of shit?
I'd love to talk to him right now.
Julie, come on. Julie!
Julie! Julie, where are you going?
I... I have to go meet Kieran
and talk about San Francisco.
Julie, please come out of the elevator.
All right? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll call him,
I'll tell him the dinner's off.
- I want to believe you.
- You can believe me.
I'll never see that guy in my life.
- Yeah.
- I promise.
Oh, my,,, Let's talk later.
- In a few hours.
- What?
I think we need to cool off.
- Gosh, I hate when that happens.
- We'll talk in a bit, OK?
- Just give ourselves a moment...
- I gotta go to work.
I feel like I'm in The Shining.
You are welcome.
Oh, God. My back, my back, my back.
Is it your back?
What the hell are you doing here?
Well, I went to the address you gave me.
Nobody was there.
Are we having this dinner or not?
OK, just... slow.
Au right.
- What are you doing?
- I'm applying heat.
Barry, please stop doing that.
- I'm gonna ix your back.
- Barry, stop!
I am a trained taxidermist.
- And I am alive.
- You are tight.
- Oh, God!
- OK...
Look at that face!
- Stop it!
- OK, all right.
- I hope this doesn't mess up dinner.
- We're not having dinner tonight.
- it's tomorrow,
- I don'! think so, Tim.
Barry, I made the plans.
I know when it is.
- I'm pretty sure it's tonight.
- it's not tonight.
OK. All right.
I guess one of us got confused.
Great. She left her phone here.
You know what they say,
everything happens for a reason.
YOU Said That.
You know what, Barry?
I am really, really looking forward
to our dinner tomorrow night.
But, right now,
I'd appreciate it if you just left.
And the reason is...'?
Because I got
in a right with my girlfriend,
and because I'd like to be here
alone when she comes back, OK?
- What if she doesn't come back?
- She's coming back.
Hey, we are gonna
get through this together.
I think I know someone
who might make you feel better.
Remember this guy
from the street? This is you.
Barry, that was a dead mouse
in the road
a couple of hours ago.
Please get it away from my face.
It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it?
You feel better?
- it's amazing.
- Are you cheered up?
Barry, I have a back brace
in my bedroom.
If you could just help me
get off this couch...
Sure.
I wan! to do this
very slowly and carefully.
On the count of...
Three!
- All you.
- All right.
Now, I... If I could just...
You can do it. You got it!
Oh, yeah! Yeah, Tim!
- You got this! I'll help!
- No, no, no! I have it.
- All right.
- I'm good.
Tim, you look good!
What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Computer,
Oh, my God!
You gave her my address?!
- She's very concerned about you.
- Barry, this woman is a nightmare.
She's been stalking me
for three years!
I slept with her one night,
biggest mistake of my life.
- It was before I even met Julie.
- Why did you do that?
Because it was New Years
and I was drunk
arid she was wearing these fishnet stockings
You want me to
tell her not to come?
Go. Go.
Come to dinner tomorrow
and that's it. Let's go. Move!
Come on! Go, go!
- Oh, my God, what have you done?
- I'm gonna make it up to you.
OK! OK!
Well, well, well.
If it isn't little miss panty bottom.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- I am a friend of Tim's.
- Yeah, I don't know you.
- Oh, you don't?
So you know everything about Tim?
You are the world's greatest
expert on all things Tim?
Did Tim invite you
to a dinner tomorrow night?
According to him,
it is tomorrow night, yes.
Right. You want my advice?
- Don't go.
- OK, may I give you some advice, too?
Do not wear fishnets on New Years Eve.
It's too cold. When the wind blows,
you gotta go with the hose.
- You know what? I really need to...
- Now, Darla, Darla, come on,,,
- Darla?
- Yes. He told me all about you.
Really? What did Tim tell you about me?
Told me about the sex.
The Sex?
The dirty, dirty sex. But he lives
with a woman named Julie,
and if she comes home
and Ends you, that, that...
You can imagine how she would feel.
Yeah, I imagine
she'd be pretty pissed off.
I gotta nip this in the bud.
- You gotta move along.
- You tell your friend, Tim, he can...
You tell him he can kiss my ass.
Don't have to. We have a picture.
Problem solved. l intercepted
your stalker in the hallway.
Darla showed up?
And you got her to leave?
Oh, I don't think you're
ever gonna see her again.
- Who is that?
- Kieran Vollard. He's an artist.
Very attractive man. He can it
a whole octopus in his mouth.
Sort of an animal magnetism
about him.
That's what Julie says.
"For Julie.
Thanks for everything. Kieran."
- Everything?
- Yeah, she curated his show.
Bet that's not all she curated.
I don't know what that means, Barry.
Well, I don't know
what curated means.
Where is she?
Working.
Probably with Kieran.
Where? In his bed?
I seriously doubt
theyre working in his bed.
Well, if they're not working,
why are they in his bed?
Tim, you need to call Kieran's house
and see if she's there.
I'm not doing that.
It's the only way you're
gonna know for sure.
- I'm not calling.
- I'm telling you...
No, I'm not gonna call Kieran
and say I don't know where Julie is.
- Do it. Do it.
- No. No.
All right, I will.
What reason could you possibly
have for calling him?
I want to make
a movie about his life.
I want to make a documentary.
I gain his confidence,
and then he starts feeling more
relaxed about talking to me.
He's really opening up to me.
We're talking about his
sex life and then...
...Julie's name pops up
and we've got it on tape!
- Yeah.
- He's been curated!
Well, that sounds like
a bullet-proof plan.
What's his number?
-One-1-1...1-1...
- Hold on.
OK. Go.
- One-1 -1
- Got that.
One-1
- One-1.
- OK.
He must've changed his number.
I'm just getting a weird sound.
Oh, well. We tried.
There he is. Kieran Vollard. I got him.
Don'!! Don't!
- I'm serious. Don't call him.
- it's ringing...
Hang up the phone.
Hang up the phone!
I'm gonna do an accent.
Don't do an accent.
Hang up the phone.
- Hello?
- Hello! How are you?
This is Nigel!
I'm a documentary filmmaker
-from London, England.
- Hang up!
May I speak to Kieran Vollard, please?
- This is Kieran.
- Kieran.
I want to make a documentary
about your life.
Start the water, Ill be right in. Yeah, I could do an interview.
Smashing! Champagne wishes
and caviar dreams!
I will have my man-servant
Contact you with the details.
That sounded like Julie's laugh.
She might've been there!
- I'm going over there.
- No, Tim!
You can't drive in this condition.
Clutch! Oh, God, use the clu...
You cant just shift.
You need to use the clutch, Barry.
Oh, God.
OK, hold on. I'll get it.
No, no, no, no...
- OK.
- I got it.
She's gotta be in there.
Just need to get her attention.
Those were my car keys, weren't they?
Oh, God.
Here we go. Let's do this thing.
Barry! Barry, just...
Just get the keys and come back!
Barry!
I am inside the apartment.
I know. I want you out of the apartment.
Get the keys and let's get out of here!
Oh, Tim, I wish you could
see this place! It's amazing!
I thought you had
a great apartment.. This...
This, my friend... Oh, my God!
He's friends with Morgan Freeman.
Please get the hell out of there.
He's coming!
- Cat got the Tim mouse!
- Forget about the mouse! Come on!
Get the keys and get out of there!
Forget the mouse!
Thank you. Hey! He's OK!
Hide! Hide!
Kieran, I'm ready.
Barry!
Barry!
Julie's here.
Oh, yes..
Sounds like they're having intercourse.
That's it. Oh, fantastic.
I'm having trouble describing
what I'm looking at.
Fly, fly...
Yes! Primordial...
Hello.
Who are you?
I'm...
Monique, Christina, this is Tim.
He's a stockbroker,
or something like that.
- Tim, can I help you?
- No, no, no. Sorry, I...
I'm Nigel Nigel!
- I'm here doing a documentary!
- You can stop that now, Barry.
My name's not Barry! So, what
have you done with Julie?
Tim... has Julie left you?
Oh, Tim. I was always very
attracted to Julie and I still am.
You must be broken.
She's a wonderful creature.
Stop...
I have to say, though, Tim,
I'm not surprised.
- Really?
- There's not a lot of monogamy
in the animal kingdom. Not many
animals mate for life. Penguins do.
I've spent a lot of time with penguins,
and they're really cool.
And maybe you're a penguin, Tim,
but Julie's not a penguin.
She's a lioness. Don't try
to mate a lioness with a penguin.
Ever. Have you ever seen
a mammal and a bird mate?
I've never even heard of that.
Is that right?
You gonna try and tame her?
- 'Cause I don't think you're her type.
- Maybe. But I have something.
Something that women respond to.
That's true. Julie and I
have been saying that.
- Tim doesn't get it.
- He's right. Listen to your friend.
Am I gonna make love with
Christina and Monique tonight?
Yeah! Hell, yes! Guilty.
You caught me out. Yeah.
But only because
it's part of my process.
Your "process"?
There are two things in this world:
Wonderful, visceral, sexy sex...
...and death.
Horrible, boring death.
Now, I'm gonna go off and have some
sex with these girls before I die.
Go ahead.
If you guys wanna join, that's cool.
But don't look at me in the eye.
It puts me off.
- What?
- OK, you're not into it. That's cool.
Good to see ya, Tim,
Thanks for visiting. Great to meet you.
I wanna grow a beard.
I know you're set on a
documentary, but hear me out...
Charlize Theron plays Julie.
Kieran plays himself.
I don't know.
It is something to think about.
Three, two, one...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
How did you do that?
A human back and a rodent back
are eerily similar.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Now, go.
- What about dinner?
- It's tomorrow, Barry. Tomorrow.
That's interesting.
You say you're over Darla and yet you
have a picture of her in your apartment.
How does Julie feel about that?
That is Julie.
Barry, is that the woman
you talked to in the hallway?
Well...
Well...
She has the same face.
I'll get the door.
Where's Tim?
- Oh, God.
- Well, well.
You blew it with Julie.
Just like you blew it with me.
Poor little Timmy.
You missed your chance.
And you'll never have me again.
- Let's go.
- You're hurting me.
- I'm not," Stop it.
- Please, stop hurting me.
- I'm not even touching you.
- Why do we keep doing this?
You know, some day,
I'm really gonna leave you.
All right, go, go!
Get out of my house, right now!
You're very cruel, Tim.
- Hello.
- Who's your friend?
Barry, his name's Barry.
Wanna watch while I screw
Barry's brains out?
- I can honestly say no to that one.
- Oh, really?
So, do you guys wanna get pizza?
Wanna lick cheese
off my naked body?
I'm sure Tim has plates.
Hello?
Hey, whos Dana?
I just met your friend earlier.
He told me some pretty
interesting things
- about this woman.
- What did he saw
- Oh, I don't know. He spoke about...
- Oh, wow, you're like a friendly dog.
- ...talked about sex...
What?
What exactly did he say?
Can you just tell me?
Are you cheating on me?
lt's not a difficult question to answer!
- Hello? Are you cheating on me?
- She put it in her pants.
Tim! I don't know why it's
so hard for you to answer..
Julie! You're crazy to think
that I'm cheating on you!
That's insane!
Where are you? Where are you?
- Julie!
- I think I hung up.
You have no right!
No right? Barry, we're gonna be a while.
- You're a crazy person.
- All right, I'll be here.
Hey, Tim? Tim?
- Tim?
- Oh, God...
Tim? Timmy Tim?
What do you say?
Should we drive him crazy?
OK!
I'm a naughty little schoolgirl!
You look a little old
to be a schoolgirl.
I need to be punished.
Hey, Naomi, how you doing? It's Tim.
I'm wondering if
you've heard from Julie.
Don't you wanna be my schoolteacher?
I'm really not qualified.
I work for the IRS.
- No, no, no...
- Not tonight.
- No, all the time. I work...
- OK, OK.
You work for the IRS,
and I have been very...
- ...very bad.
- Have you heard from Julie?
- I haven't paid my taxes...
- No?
...and I need to be spanked! Now!
Well, that's really
not the way it works.
You probably just have to pay
the difference, plus interest.
OK, I...
- I need you to spank me real hard.
- I'm looking for Julie.
Spank me hard, Barry!
- Barry!
- No, no. That's the TV.
Oh, yeah! Oh, Barry!
Yeah! Oh, Barry!
Oh, Barry!
If she gets in touch with you, please
tell her to call me. It's an emergency.
You're like some
crazy animal all over...
- I wanna be a penguin!
- I like to eat penguins.
Hope you don't catch me.
Penguins are very slow.
Except I'm Turbo Penguin!
Come here... I'm gonna catch you...
Did you hurt your knee?
Barry, that's funny,
You are a bad little penguin.
Don't get me!
Come here!
- You're gonna die.
- No, I'm not.
Oh, God.
God!
Barry?
Tim? Call me! OK?
This was so much fun! I love you!
Forever And ever...
Barry! Barry.
Works every time.
If you are attacked,
you should always play dead.
People don't want to punch
something that's dead.
- it's instinctual.
- She's gone?
Yes, she is.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we had a little bit of a ruckus.
Oh, my God!
- That your phone?
- Julie's.
Kieran.
Hey listen, when you get up there,
let the horse into the pasture.
She loves to run around in the grass.
Grab a bottle of wine,
make yourself a fire,
stay as long as you want.
This is gonna be good for you.
- She's going to his ranch.
- Oh, my God.
- That's code.
- What?
It's code, Tim.
You should watch Law & Order:
Horse is heroin. Grass is marijuana.
The horse likes to
run around on the grass.
The heroin likes to
run around on the marijuana.
Wine. Alcohol.
Like beer. Or wine.
Oh, man, they are planning
one hell of a party.
It's gonna be wild up there.
I think that you need to get out of
my house in the next... 30 seconds,
before I beat you to death
with the chair that you're sitting in.
- What?
- You have to go. I want you to go.
- Who's gonna help you with Julie?
- Who's gonna help me with Julie?
You didn't really
just say that, did you?
Because of you,
Julie thinks I'm having an affair
and she's on her way to Kieran's ranch!
Whatever you do,
don't help me with Julie!
We should go there and we should
explain the whole mix-up.
I don't know where it is. It's unlisted!
He goes there to disappear!
Please, please, I'm begging you!
Go, leave, go!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Tim.
Wait. Tim, Tim!
I work at the Canoga Processing Center.
It's only the second-largest [RS
processing center on the west coast.
And you're telling me
this now because...?
If Kieran has a ranch, we can
ind the address from his tax return.
And if he's up there sleeping
with Julie, that's not business-related.
He can't deduct that.
- You can get me his tax returns?
- No. But I know somebody who can.
- There it is, The mother ship.
- It looks deserted.
No, no, no. He's in there.
My boss never sleeps.
Be careful around this guy.
- He can tell what you're thinking.
- What are you talking about?
Don't look him in the eye.
Don't think any embarrassing thoughts.
Just keep your mind blank.
Therman? I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine, Tim Conrad.
Hi.
I could use some help and Barry says
you're just the man for the job.
Have 3 Seat.
I did an audit on a
Steven Conrad two years ago.
Any relation?
- Where does he live?
- Bayside State Prison.
He's doing seven years.
Are you hiding something, Mr, Conrad?
- What is it that you do for a living?
- Don't ask. He makes money.
Nobody knows
where it comes from, though.
Shall we take a look
at his return, Barry?
Guys, I think we're
getting a little off track here.
- Look, I'm in a little bit of a rush.
- That's him.
Guys, I don't have much time, so...
Mr. Conrad...
Men lie to me a thousand times a day.
And my job is to
End the truth. Right, Barry?
I've studied the human mind.
I've learned how to read it and,
ultimately, control it.
This is fascinating,
I can't wait to read it.
It's $14.99 on my website,
- OK.
- Plus shipping and handling.
Even if I buy it here?
It's shipped from somewhere else,
isn't it? And I've been handling it.
Could you just tell Therman
why we're here?
We are looking for an address
of a nondeductible vacation property.
You are looking for
someone or something.
That's exactly right.
Tim is looking for his girlfriend.
She ran off with an artist.
They are probably sleeping together.
- Oh, God...
- Your girlfriend has left you.
- Tim, he can see right through you.
- Well, you also just told him that.
Are you still skeptical, Mr, Conrad?
Watch this. Barry...
What is he doing?
He's making me do something.
What is he making me do?
You're not doing anything, Barry.
That's right, Barry.
You're not doing anything.
I'm not doing anything.
- I'm paralyzed, Oh, God.
- God can't hear you, Barry.
- Tim?
- Tim can't hear you, Barry.
- No, actually, I can hear him.
- My bodys a prison.
This is so painful,
I can't move, Tim.
Tim, help me. Help me, Tim.
All right, you know what, Barry?
Just move. You can do it. Just move.
I release you.
OK, I will never take movement
for granted, ever again.
Well, I was wrong. Apparently,
his brain really is your puppet.
I need an address.
- Can you help me, please?
- Perhaps. For a price.
How much?
I just need to hear Barry say,
"You can eat my pudding."
No.
Barry, I can make you say it.
But with your own free will, say,
"You can eat my pudding."
Im not gonna say it.
Barry, I'm gonna eat it, anyway!
But I want you to say,
"You can eat my pudding!"
Barry, I will give you a thousand
dollars if you say it, right now.
A thousand dollars?
Barry, your friend is a high roller.
- You are hiding something.
- Wait a minute. No, wait...
Can we just stick to the issue at hand?
You almost had me. But you cannot
declare offshore investment losses
against future capital gains.
Any child knows that.
I'll have to ask
my accountant about that.
Mr. Conrad...
,,,you, my friend... are being audited.
NO, HO, HO.
Call the 800 number.
I release you.
Hey, Tim?
I guess you just have to remember
what the wise man once said...
"Everything happens for a reason."
- You know who said that?
- Shut up, Barry.
- You did. You're the wise man.
- Don't talk.
Don't say a word.
Don't move your lips.
Oh, my God. It's Martha.
it's my ex-wife.
There's my magic man.
- Look at you. OK,
- Get in the car, Pudding.
I used to call her Pudding.
Look, why don't we just each
go home, we'll get some sleep,
and I'll see you tomorrow at the dinner.
OK.
I think I left my bus pass
at your apartment.
- I'll drive you home.
- OK.
I left my keys at your apartment, too.
That's OK. You know what?
I'll just sleep here. I have a cubicle.
- I can pull two chairs together.
- it's all right.
- Get in the car.
- I can fashion them into a bed.
They... Well, they son of
roll apart in the middle, so...
- Barry, Barry...
- ...you sag,
- You can stay with me.
- Don't worry about me.
- I insist.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I won't cramp your style?
- it's already cramped.
- OK.
- What are you doing?
- You're gonna propose to her?
I have, a few times.
- Why do you keep carrying this around?
- In case she changes her mind.
- Please don't go through my pockets.
- OK.
Hey, Tim?
The first night alone is always the hardest
I can sleep in there
with you if you want.
No, thank you.
Hey, just don't think about
the fact that you can't sleep.
Because then you're sunk. Then you
just start thinking, "Whats going on?"
Your mind starts reeling.
"Where's Julie?
Oh, she's with Kieran.
Is he a better lover than I am?
Yes, he is." Don't think about that.
Get those thoughts out of your head.
- Why are you putting on aftershave?
- Force of habit.
When I was married, I used to
stay up late working on my mice,
and Martha hated
the smell of formaldehyde.
You can smell them both, Barry.
Two layers of bad smell,
That's exactly what Martha used to say.
Good night.
Tim?
- Tim?
- What, Barry?
I can't sleep.
I'm too excited about dinner.
- Oh, God!
- What are you gonna wear?
Should I rent a tux?
Or is that too formal?
Here's the thing:
It's always better to be overdressed
than underdressed, right?
Thanks, Tim! That's great!
Oh, he ate it! He's eating paper!
NO...
I'll be back in a few hours.
Don't play with the stove.
Don't do anything with electricity.
Do you understand?
Sometimes I think
you think I'm an idiot.
Just stay in the chair. Promise me.
I will. I will stay in the chair.
Why is this brunch so important?
Because the future
of my career depends on it.
It's a very important potential client.
- I can help.
- You want to help me?
- Stay in the chair.
- OK.
I'll pick you up for dinner. All right?
- You gonna stay in that chair?
Yes.
That's it.
Hello?
You got everything
you need for brunch?
OK, you got me working Saturday,
so I'm billing you overtime for this.
You're going to
Madison Restaurant, 10am.
Don't be late, They're Swiss.
And make sure Julie's there.
- They're dying to meet her.
- OK, Julie'Il be there.
Tim?
Tim!
Tim?
Tim? Tim! Tim!
Hi, Tim? We switched phones.
I need to talk to you.
Julie has to go to that brunch! OK.
Hi, Tim, me again. I just
realized you can't get my messages.
My password is P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. OK.
Oh, God!
You can't get that message,
either! Why am I...'?!
- This way, sir.
- Thank you.
We feared that some
disaster had befallen you.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
- And where is...?
Julie sends her regrets.
She dropped a box on her foot
- and broke a distal phalange.
- Please wish her a swift recovery.
I had hoped for another woman
to lend some poetry.
I understood from my husband
I would not have to suffer
another business conversation.
What was it Baudelaire said?
"Misunderstanding makes
the world go 'round."
I see we will
have poetry after all.
It is rare to find an American
businessman with a sense of culture.
Tim! It's me again! Barry!
Disregard all previous messages!
I figured it out!
Help is on the way! Bye!
Obviously, many of the
strategies are complex.
- I imagine you have several questions.
- I am a simple man, Mr. Conrad.
My father left me with very little,
except for all of his money.
The world is full of people
who want to separate me from it.
Why should I trust you
with $100 million?
A very fair question.
Now, you're obviously
very civilized people.
But, unfortunately, the world
of finance is a brutal place.
The good hunters win.
The bad hunters lose.
I am a very good hunter.
You are refreshingly honest,
Mr. Conrad.
I try to be. I hope we can
do business together.
A call for you, sir.
I'm so sorry.
Excuse me. Hello?
I got your back, Wm.
Can you hear me?
- Hello?
- Hello!
- Hello? Hello?
- Hello?
Hello. Hello.
Hello. My name is Tim's brother,
Barry, and this is Julie.
Tim, look. I brought Julie.
Hi, my love.
Oh, I have missed you so.
YOU...
You know... Your phalange.
You shouldn't be here.
Nonsense,
She is the picture of health.
Please. Sit. Sit, sit.
Thank you.
- Birgit Mueller.
- Such a pleasure.
- Martin Mueller, delighted.
- Such a pleasure.
And I am Barry. Delightful.
I am so pleased you could join us.
I always say you do not know a man
until you meet his partner in love.
I couldn't agree more. I would love
to go over some of these main points.
- Where are you from?!
- We are from Switzerland.
You know what?
We're gonna focus on business.
Switzerland! I love Switzerland.
It is one of my favorite countries.
I love your army knives
with the toothpicks,
And your cheese. Does the cheese
come out of the cow with the holes?
Our countries are not enemies.
They are friends.
- We are friends,
- You have been to Switzerland?
No, bull have a friend
who drives a Volvo.
And I speak a little of your language.
That's my brother. Always joking.
It's a jokey joke, ja?
You know, we should continue
this conversation back in my office.
But I have not received my salmon.
Or my green salad.
So...
...do you and Julie have
wedding bells in your future?
That's kind of a sore topic. He keeps
asking her, but she keeps saying no.
- Ask me again.
- No, it's not the right time.
If a woman asks you to propose,
it is the right time.
Really, I can't.
- Why not?
- Do it. Do it!
- I don't have a ring.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do, it's in your pocket.
- Come on, You know you have it...
- Barry...
- Told ya.
- You are a hunter, Mr. Conrad.
There is nothing more
honorable than for a man
to join himself to his lady love.
Join yourself to her.
In the name of love.
Join yourself in the name of love.
You must kneel, Mr. Conrad.
She is a princess.
Thank you.
Something's happening!
- Julie,,,
- Call me Darla.
- Oh, I don't want to call you Darla.
- Julie's just a nickname.
- I want it to be real.
- Look into her eyes.
Look, look.
There is your home.
There is your future.
I love you, Tim.
Do it, do it, do it!
Do it!
- Julie.
- Darla.
Darla. Will you marry me?
Yes. Yes!
LOOK at that. We did it.
- Julie.
- I thought this was Julie.
- Nope. I'm Julie.
- They are both Julie.
Julie and Julie.
Susana thought you were
gonna lose your promotion
if I didn't show up today.
Look at you. You had
a replacement all lined up.
-Yeah.
- No, no, no.
- This is a huge misunderstanding.
- Let me explain.
This is Darla. She's a naughty
schoolgirl who cheats on her taxes.
I didn't know whether
you were gonna come today,
so I brought Darla to keep
things running smoothly.
Very important potential client.
That clears that up.
Yeah. Thank you.
Darling, you're embarrassing
yourself. it's over.
She's really quite a catch, Tim.
Congratulations.
- No! Julie...
- Nice to have met you.
- He's very crafty.
-Julie! Julie!
I'm so sorry, I hope we can
continue this at a later date,
- but, actually, I love her.
- Wait, Tim?
- Julie!
- Tim?
Julie! Julie, look...
Wait, wait, I know that looked awkward,
but you've gotta trust me.
- Trust you?
- Yes. I trust you.
I know you spent the night at Kieran's
ranch. I know nothing happened.
Right?
I didn't go to Kieran's ranch
last night.
- I'm going now.
- No! Don't go! Don't go!
Tim, I have to go. It's my job. We're
going to San Francisco this weekend
to set up for the show. He wants me
to be part of his artistic process.
His artistic process...
That means sex, Julie.
He told me last nigh!
when I broke into his house!
You broke into his house?
My God. I guess there really
is a you I don't know.
It's too bad. I was so
in love with the other one.
- Hop in.
- MOVE.
OK.
Tim, Tim...
May dead!
I don't think you're
a very nice person, Tim.
Just stay out of my life.
And I'm keeping the ring.
I think that was really good for her.
See? It works.
I can't help but think
this is partially my fault.
Really? Well, it is your fault.
it's 100 percent your fault!
I'm sorry.
Hello, Therman. You win.
You can eat my pudding.
Thirty-one Lighthill Drive.
OK, Therman.
I don't even know who he is anymore.
it's like I'm having a bad dream.
I mean, am I crazy?
Am I completely delusional, here?
I don't even know
what's going on anymore.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be
unloading this.
I want to photograph you right now.
I don't think it's the
best time right now, really.
It is exactly the best time.
I've never seen you like this.
You're so raw, so wonderfully
visible. So beautiful.
This is weird, Kieran.
I don't think we should...
Not doing this would be weird.
Keep talking. Tell me about Tim.
I don't know. I mean, I just...
I just always thought that
there was this decent...
...basic person underneath it all.
You'd think that you would know
someone after two years.
But, no. That's bad.
He's such a smooth talker.
So convincing.
I don't even know if anything
he's ever said to me is true.
- These pictures are gonna be amazing.
- Kieran, you've lost your mind!
- This is crazy! No!
- Don't light it, It's art.
I don't want to take pictures.
Can we just stop it?
What are you doing here?
Julie, there's something
I need to tell you.
- Kieran has gonorrhea.
- No, I don't.
- You might.
- I don't.
- Well, she does, She has gonorrhea.
- What?
- Don't sleep with her.
- She doesn't.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Because you can get it
from riding the bus.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, you can, Tim.
That's how my wife got it.
Barry, no one here has gonorrhea.
I do.
I have gonorrhea.
I got gonorrhea from my wife,
who got it from a bus seat.
And no one should sleep with me.
OK.
Could I speak with Julie alone, please?
Tim, you have to tell her
what's in your heart,
- you have to be honest with her.
- Yeah.
That's what I did with Martha,
and that did not work.
But I think this'Il work for you.
- OK.
- Thank you. All right.
Have you ever just spent five months
living with a herd of goats,
as one of them?
- No?
- No.
That surprises me.
The thing about a goat is, it never
denies itself what it's hungry for.
A goat will eat anything.
A goat could probably eat a bike.
A goal could eat itself,
if it was driven to it.
I'm just a goat...
,,,who's halfway through eating itself.
Just to be clear, what exactly
are we talking about?
Everything.
I had no idea. It happened one night
three years ago, before we ever met.
I haven't seen her since.
So she just popped back up
into your life, like that?
She tried to get in touch with me
and Barry intercepted the message.
- So it's all Barry's fault?
- Barry is... He's a sweet guy,
but he is a tornado of destruction.
The only friends he has are dead mice,
and that's 'cause they're the
only ones that can't get away from him.
You know what else mice can't do?
They can't lie.
Barry. Barry!
I'm gonna go to San Francisco tonight.
And... I'll come by
to pack around eight.
I think it's better if you're not there.
I never really knew
what Martha thought of me
until I heard her
talking behind my back.
You were lying to me the whole time.
You didn't like me.
"How do I get ahead in business?
How do I get ahead? Oh, I know...
I'll ind a great taxidermist
and I'll hit him with my car.
And then I'll invite him
to dinner. That'll do it."
Well, somebody forgot to tell you
there is no "me" in "mean."
Well, there is a bit of a happy ending.
'Cause the mean guy
finally got what he deserved.
World's smallest violin,
and it's playing just for you.
- Sorry.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, OK. Whatever.
- Hello?
- Tim!
I heard you had an
interesting brunch this morning.
Sir, I can explain.
You might want to explain it
to Mn Mueller
You should have told me
Barry was your fool.
We have the
same game in Switzerland.
Dinner for Unterschlagen.
I am very much looking forward
to seeing the two of you
this evening, Mn Conrad
Where are you?
Dinners about to start.
There's been a complication.
Tim, for Christ sake,
we're running on fumes.
If we don't make this deal tonight,
there is no Fender Financial.
So, hurry up,
We gotta land Mueller tonight.
My guys a lock. You know what
I'm saying? Mueller's gonna love him.
Now, he might be a little late.
- He's on his way, but...
- Tim!
Sir, I've run into
a little bit of a problem.
Never mind that. You know,
ever since I invited you to this thing,
Caldwell's been
telling me I made a mistake.
He says you're not cut out for it.
- Really?
- Caldwell is full of shit.
Mueller told me your guy was good.
I had no idea he was this good.
Well, I try to look at the bright side.
You could say I'm an
eternal optometrist,
When life gives you lemons,
you make lemonade.
Unless you don't have
any water or sugar.
And then, then you just eat the lemons.
And the rind will give you diarrhea.
So, mama mia, papa pia,
baby got the diarr... Hey, Tim!
Mr. Conrad! You have
been missing all the fun.
Barry... you're here.
Yes, and I have been telling Sir
Lancelot that you deserve a promotion.
And he's been making
a pretty persuasive case, Tim.
Tim, I'd like to
introduce my friend, Lewis,
- and his wife, Diane.
- Your wife?
For now.
- Honey, please.
- Honey, please. You're so pathetic!
My God, it's raining men.
I don't know who's more gorgeous.
Well, beauty's only skin deep.
Unless there's something wrong
with your bone structure. And then...
...you could have flawless skin
and still be very ugly.
Because your bones are just... gross.
Lewis, Diane, there's someone
I'd like you to meet.
I think you're drunk.
Not drunk enough to do you.
Tim, when you said this was
a dinner for extraordinary people,
I had no idea. Look at that.
Are you hungry?
He hasn't eaten a lot today.
Come on.
Yes?
OK... her. You know what she does?
She communicates with dead pets.
Lorenzo's mother wants to talk to him.
Right? Nice?
OK, that guy? Right there?
I'm telling you,
these people are amazing.
- I am so not in their league.
- Barry, what are you...
- Why are you here?
- Because that's what friends do.
I know, I know.
You chose some words carelessly.
I know you are in a dark place,
but I also know
that you need to show your boss
that you are friends with a winner.
In my book, you're a winner, too.
Ladies and gentlemen! Dinner is served.
The eyes are but two of the Eve senses.
Remove them and the others
become incredibly sensitive.
But some people still ask:
How can a blind man compete
at the Olympic Games as fencer?
I will show you how.
Absolutely tremendous!
- All right!
- Are you enjoying this?
Yes. Such a pleasure to laugh
at the misfortune of others.
Are they cute when they're small,
or are they pretty much
horrible the whole time?
- Are you looking down my dress?
- No.
- Why not?
- I don't know.
- Tim, were you?
- No.
- Please don't embarrass me.
- I'm not doing... Oh, God.
- Here you go, sir.
- Here you are, ma'am. Bon appetit.
I am receiving a message
from the other side!
I'm trapped.
Where are they taking me?
- She's talking to the lobster.
- The water, it...
...boils!
Thai might win. Thai might win.
Fuck it. I don't care.
So, Tim... I understand your guest
has an interesting hobby.
I guess I'm up. Wish me luck.
This is something that I call
the Tower of Dreamers.
A thousand years ago, the only
people on Earth were monkeys.
And they said,
"We'll never walk erectus.
We'll never use tools.
We'll never talk."
And then one monkey said: "Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm talking right now."
That monkey... was a dreamer.
- Mice dressed as monkeys.
- Yes-
- Good.
- Oh, my God.
Fast-forward 500 years.
The Wright Brothers decide
to make themselves a 'Hying machine.
"You fools! You idiots! What's
your problem?" everyone shouted.
"That will never work because
plywood weighs more than air!"
To which the Wright Brothers
responded:
"No, it doesn't."
The Wright Brothers were dreamers.
The Earl of Sandwich
and Sir Francis Bacon.
Had it not been for them, the BL would merely be lettuce and tomato.
They were dreamers.
And sandwich makers.
It's not over yet.
Vincent van Gogh.
Everyone told him,
"You only have one ear.
You cannot be a great artist."
And you know what he said?
"l can't hear you."
Vincent van Gogh was a dreamer.
- I love to paint.
- Really?
- I love to paint.
- Are you any good?
- I don't know.
- Of course not.
Louis Pasteur turned
cheese into medicine.
Benjamin Franklin.
People said,
"You can't fly a kite in a rainstorm."
And Ben Franklin said, "Yes, you can,
if you have an electric kite."
Little detail with the kite.
That's good, ja?
A man who broke more bones...
...than any man in history:
Eve! Knievel.
It's fantastic.
Well played, rookie. Well played.
And who might this
handsome young lad be?
Tim Conrad.
He believes that someday he
will marry the girl of his dreams,
even though every time
he asks, she says no.
And even though, as we speak,
she is probably having sex
with a handsome artist.
Tim Conrad... is a dreamer.
So dare to dream.
Dream your wildest dreams.
You can climb the highest mountain.
You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup
And if somebody tells you
that you can't do something,
you say, "Yes, I can.
'Cause I'm doing it right now!"
Bravo!
Bravo, Sir!
You must come to Switzerland.
You'll be the toast of Zurich!
I can't understand your accent!
- Caldwell. This guy's taking it.
- The night is young.
Gentlemen, ladies, I'd like to
introduce you to Mr. Therman Murch,
IRS auditor and master
of mind control.
Therman?
Sorry for my tardiness.
Mr. Murch came by
the office last night.
Shame to hear about that audit, Tim.
Anything I can do to help,
I'm here for you.
Barry, what are you doing here?
I dunno.
- You two know each other?
- Yes. We work together.
I'm gonna have to get
the address of that office.
So Therman was telling me about some
of his techniques for mind control,
and I gotta say,
I was pretty blown away.
Yes. The brain has pressure points,
just like any other muscle.
Apply those pressure points,
and the brain will
obey your every command.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Barry!
Barry.
Look into my eyes, Barry.
Barry!
Where is your wife, Barry?
Tell us. Where is she?
Come on, Barry, tell us.
- Your house?
- Yes.
Let me just get this straight, Barry.
Your wife left you for him?
She has extraordinary taste in men.
And, tell us, Barry...
why did your wife leave you?
- Spit it out of your mouth.
- No.
- Say it!
- No.
Say it, boy!
I lost her clitoris.
- That's right.
- You lost her clitoris?
She got mad because I couldn't End it.
- Well, you know.
- I said, "it's probably in your purse,"
because nine times out of ten
when she loses something,
that's where they end up.
Barry, do you even
know what that is?
I don't know what half
the stuff in her purse is.
Well, don't worry, Barry. I found it.
It was in her purse.
It was in her naughty purse.
Well, I mean, thank God
somebody found it, right?
I thought I found it under the couch.
Turns out it was just an
old piece of chewing gum.
I release you!
Ladies and gentlemen, mind control.
Bravo.
Bravo! Bravo!
That was sweet.
Barry, you're better than him.
Martha may not see it, but I do.
Thanks. Thank you, Tim.
You're a good friend.
- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.
I'm not. Barry, this... Man, this...
This dinner isn't what you think it is.
What?
We invited you all here
to make fun of you.
So you invite a bunch of
incredibly talented people to dinner
- and you make fun of them?
- No. it's a dinner for idiots.
Well, you'd better go ind some idiots.
We do.
I'm sorry. I...
Really, I'm so sorry.
If its any consolation,
Therman will probably win first prize.
He'll have that, too.
And he'll be able to lord it
over me for the rest of my life.
Barry, Erst prize
is the biggest idiot.
I know. That guy beats me
at everything. He just...
I don't know, what's the use?
He has mind control, I don't.
Barry, look at me.
Therman has mind control, but you...
- ...you have brain control.
- Brain control? What,,,?
- You didn't know you had brain control?
- No.
I knew it the second that I met you.
You crawled in my brain,
and you stayed there.
- I did?
- You did.
And I can't get rid of you,
no matter how hard I try.
You burrowed your way into my brain,
through my ear, like an earwig!
- I didn't mean to.
- it's like you set up camp,
- and I can't get you out of my head!
- I'm an earwig?
Ifs like teeth and spikes and...
...all your... spilling out millions
of earwig eggs all in my brain!
- I can't do anything about it!
- Oh, my God!
Brain control beats mind control
any day of the week!
Because the brain
tells the mind what to do!
You can beat this guy.
You can beat this guy, Barry.
Barry, you can beat Therman.
"You may say I'm a dreamer..."
"But I'm not the only one..."
I'm going to go lay eggs in his brain.
- Back for more, Barry?
- Yes! I am, Therman.
Only this time, I brought
my secret weapon... my brain.
- What are you talking about?
- He's talking about brain control.
Brain control? There ain't
no such thing as brain control.
There is mind control.
Brain control is ridiculous.
That's ridiculous.
Yes, it's ridiculous.
- That's ridiculous.
- Barry.
Barry.
- Barry.
- Barry.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God.
- It works.
- How are you doing that?
I am making you say
everything that I say.
Yeah, but Im saying it first.
- Are you?
- Yes!
Really?
I am very, very powerful.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, thank you,
- You're welcome.
Oh, no!
Best dinner ever.
You have no secrets from me.
Oh, contrary. You have
no secrets from me, Therman.
I know that, after sex, you like
to curl up in the fecal position.
You cry like a little baby.
- Martha told you.
- No, she did not.
I know that you take a magic marker
and you draw a face on your penis.
Is that against the law?
I don't think so.
And you put a little hat on it,
and you call it Sammy.
Nobody is supposed to know that.
- And you sing to it.
- You keep your mouth shut!
That's... That's not 100 percent true.
I know everything!
I have laid eggs inside of your brain.
Get them out of my head!
You are no longer in control
of me! I control you!
And you are under my power.
I know everything, Therman.
And I release you.
Barry! Barry!
Yeah!
I hope that you have
all kept your receipts,
because you will all be audited.
He slept with Martha at my house!
I was under the bed
the whole time. What an idiot!
Right? I know!
We have a little tradition,
here, at this dinner.
We give an award to the evening's
most extraordinary person.
Tonight's winner is the most
extraordinary person I have ever met.
Our winner:
Barry!
Yeah!
- We did it!
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
I look forward to working
with you, Mr. Conrad.
Tim, Tim, you did it.
Your guy is amazing.
Mueller loves him.
He is amazing.
- I thought you did such a great job.
- You're the winner?
- I am, yeah!
- Whatever.
And he deserves a hell
of a lot better than this.
- They all do.
- What do you mean, exactly?
Any one of you would throw me
under the bus for a bigger bonus.
And Barry would throw himself
in front of a car to save a mouse...
...even though it was already dead.
I have been trying
to play on your team.
Barry doesn't deserve that trophy. I do.
Hold on a second.
Tim, I won this trophy fair and square.
Barry, you don't want that trophy.
- I've never won a trophy before.
-Yeah, I know, but...
- You know what? Keep the trophy.
- OK.
I'm sorry, What's going on here?
Well, these people invited us here
to make fun of us.
This is a contest for the biggest idiot.
Which I nailed!
Wait, wait, wait...
-You told him?
-I did.
It seems this contest was fixed.
I thought you conducted
yourselves honorably.
No, we do. We do.
We do. Tim had a very
bright future here,
but for some reason, he's chosen
to throw his lot in with the losers.
Excuse me? I think I must
not have heard correctly.
- Did he call us losers?
- He did.
You insult my honor at great risk.
I will be leaving.
Count yourself lucky
I have spared your life.
Yeah!
- Marco!
- Oh, God.
So it is a fight you want, is it? Well, you shall have your fight.
But on my terms.
In a world of complete darkness,
the sighted are blind...
...but the blind can see.
Oh, God.
Welcome... to my world.
I am invisible. Where am I?
- He's good.
- I am a shadow...
...with a big knife!
- Simmer down!
- I can smell your fear!
I think he's gonna kill someone.
Over here!
Hey, no! Not the boys!
This has become a fiasco!
Wait a second... the Swedish guy
who thinks he's a German!
He's an idiot, too! Mueller!
This is what you've
been up to all along!
NO! NO!
- You brought me hereto make fun!
- No...
I can assure you.
I am no Unterschlagen!
No, no! Lorenzo, no!
- Somebody, grab the bird!
- I got it...
No, no, no!
It is my wife's favorite finger!
Please get it back now!
Williams, get the bird!
Somebody kill the bird!
- They're going to kill my bird!
- It's not his time!
- It's over there!
- Don't hurt him!
- Get the bird!
- Parry right, thrust left!
You want the bird?
You have to kill me first!
Fight like a blind man!
Kick him in the business center!
Right here.
- There's a Ere!
- Oh, come on!
Grab the vulture!
Somebody, just let the bird out!
Please! Just let him out!
- Wait, I have an idea.
- Let Lorenzo out!
You, stop! Don't move
or I'm gonna kill you.
Allow me.
There it is!
Nice!
Wanna?
Great dinner!
Let's go get Julie!
Mein finger!
Don't you die on me!
- Juiiel Julie?
- Julie?
Julie?
Tim.
There's a way to read that
that's actually positive.
How? How is that positive, Barry?
"Tim, have a ni..."
"Hey, Tim, ha..."
"Have a nice life."
- This is my fault, isn't it?
- It's not. it's my fault.
I'm the reason this happened. Not you.
I messed up.
Want to hear something pathetic?
God, yeah.
You know why I wanted that promotion?
So that Julie would think
that I was good enough for her.
So stupid. I couldn't
believe that someone so amazing
would want anything to do
with me. I tried to impress her...
...with stuff she doesn't
care about, I don't care about.
You know what I care about? Her.
And what else?
Waking up next to her every day,
seeing her every day.
And more things?
She's the greatest thing in my life,
and I blew it. God, I'm an idiot.
What are you doing?
Did you know I was listening?
- No.
- I did. I did.
I... I thought you'd gone.
I left my phone.
- Julie... I'm...
- Julie?
We should hurry if we're
gonna catch that plane.
- Kieran...
- Julie, I will handle this.
Kieran... since the dawn
of ancient times,
men and women have striven
to End the perfect mate.
And, once in a while,
a couple will meet
and spark a passion
that is so powerful,
a thousand armies
could not pull them apart.
That is what you have with Julie.
But Tim got there first.
And if Julie leaves, ii will kill him.
People can die of broken hearts.
I know. It almost happened to me.
And because of that...
you may see Julie no more.
You may talk to Julie no more.
You may look upon
Julie's face... no more.
OK, but we work together, so...
What part of "no more"
do you not understand?
We had a talk, Kieran and I,
and he understands
it's purely professional.
- There is professional no more.
- He's right, Julie.
If we start this tire...
we'll burn this world to ashes.
- What are you talking about?
- If you start this Ere...
- Burn it to ashes.
- ...burn this world to ashes.
- There goes my museum show.
- Welcome to my world.
- Yeah.
- Julie...
...I love you. I don't care
if we get married. I'll stop asking.
Don't stop asking.
- You are a wise man, my friend.
- As are you.
Au revoir Julie.
Au revoir Tim.
Au revoir Kieran.
Be kind to your birds and your goats!
We're gonna be so happy together!
I guess things
really do happen for a reason.
Tim lost his job, but the
two of us remain best friends.
And once a month, I invite him
to a gathering I hast.
Its called The Breakfast of Champions.
Kieran and I became friends.
He asked me to collaborate with him,
and we showed our work
ah' over the world...
...including South Africa.
And guess who came to see us?
Morgan Freeman.
Tim went on to help Martin Mueller
convert his munitions factory
into the Martin Mueller Museum of Modem Art...
. , . or. .
Kieran and I collaborated
on a sculpture for the opening.
I met up with Darla again.
Boy, does she like role playing.
She had me play detective,
and she left all of these clues.
And you know what?
I found it.
Therman wrote a new book.
And it is very popular in some circles.
I guess it's true what they say...
"A mind is a terrible thing. "
Oh, yeah, as for Tim and Julie...
Well, Julie finally said yes.
They went to Paris for the honeymoon.
I waited around to surprise them,
but it never felt like the right time.
Anyway, I can tell you this:
They both got curated..
...several times.
Oh, yeah... Fenders company
went out of business.
Forbes Magazine named him Wall Street's biggest loser!
Way to go, Fender!