1
- I had this haunting dream.
I thought I was alone and
that I always would be.
And then, I saw her.
- You're the one,
the one I've been looking for.
So, what's your name?
- Anything you want it to be.
What's yours?
- I'm David.
- Oh, fuck me, really?
Ya know what, I am so
in the wrong dream.
Yeah, I'm actually
supposed to be meeting a.
Hey.
Are you Jeff?
- High school,
what comes to mind?
First love, the prom.
For me, it was Netflix.
Ya know, Saturday nights,
just me and my laptop.
Annie Hall, Harold and Maude.
Ya know, any of those
unconventional love stories.
Ya know, those were
always my favorite.
Oh, oh, Eternal Sunshine
of the Spotless Mind, god.
It's movies like that, ya know,
films that inspired
me to move to LA
and write movies of my own.
So, here I am, years later,
I still haven't written
any actual movies.
But, I've written treatments,
which are mini scripts
and I have a lot of
ideas, a lot of notes.
This one's about Kat.
Trust me, she'd approve.
Where to start?
But I'm not telling
this story right,
and good story
structure is essential.
My life pre-Kat was quieter.
I storyboard for a living,
drawing pictures for other
people's films instead of my own.
- Don't tell us about you,
that's the worst thing
you can do as a writer.
Save that shit for Facebook.
Ya gotta be original.
Not another time
travel story, ugh.
I mean, do time travel
but, like the inventor is
this real feminist, right.
- Good, yeah, yeah,
wait, and wait,
the only way she can
get back to her own time
is to team up with a sexist guy.
- Right, right,
romantic, edgy, alright.
The sexist, he rapes her,
And then he's like a,
she kinda likes it.
So, is it really rape?
We don't know.
- Oh my god.
This is exactly what
Robert McKee talks about.
I finally get it.
I'm sorry guys, I just,
I feel like Helen Keller,
and you just taught
me what water is.
- Okay, who's next?
David.
You had a treatment
you wanted to show us.
- Um, it's not quite finished.
- Dude, dude, show us something.
- David.
- David, do it.
They'll make you cry like a
little girl but, it's worth it.
- Next time for sure,
like, definitely.
- Okay, okay.
- Alright, Sara.
Alright, you had a reality TV zombie pitch.
- Zombie pitch.
Yes, alright.
Okay, check this
out, scared alive,
got scared straight, right?
This town we put the juvenile
delinquents in the jail,
with real cannibals.
- Get out.
- Nicole, my best friend
and the biggest
crush of my life.
I even based the female lead
of my new script on her.
So outta my league but, I
made myself useful to Nicole,
listened to her, helped
her with her dialog.
I thought, if you
helped someone enough,
eventually they kinda
have to love you.
The signs were there.
I finally invited Nicole
over to my apartment.
It was time.
- What?
- Okay, um.
Ya know, we're great
friends, right, the best
and I don't want anything
to ever come between us
but, I've been thinking about this
for like, a long, long time. David.
- It's okay I know.
You're gay, and it's
so okay with me.
- No, god no, no.
Why would you even say that?
- Oh my god.
I just thought you
were building up to it,
it just kind of made sense.
- This sucks, this sucks.
- Okay, so embarrassed.
Alright, let it go,
just forget it, gone.
What were you gonna tell me?
- Oh no, it's
really awkward now.
- No, no, just tell me, I
won't say anything, I promise.
No.
- Woah, wait.
- Hm, that went well.
- I didn't.
- Break ups were so painful.
Especially the relationships
that haven't even started.
- Hey, Nicole.
I'm so sorry, I don't know
what happened last night
but, can we talk?
I'm around all day so.
I'm so sorry.
- I started hitting
the bottle pretty heavily.
- Voicemail, big surprise.
Wow, I really thought you
were different than this.
Ya know what, call me, don't.
Okay, Nicole, ya know what,
our friendship ending
is the best thing
that has ever happened
'cause I need to focus
on my work, okay?
- I admit it.
I have some issues
when I feel ignored.
I couldn't believe
finding someone
had always been this hard.
What about all those
primitive, tribal cultures?
I have blessed peace
With my Lord so near
Leaning on the
everlasting arms
- A lot of them
had arranged marriages.
I could perfectly see
the wisdom in that.
Commit first,
then, find the way
to make it work.
There had to be
some way to do that.
Skip dating, go
straight to mating.
And then I had an inspiration.
- Let's get married.
Let's seriously just do it.
- A Craigslist
ad like none before it.
- David.
David.
David, I read your marriage ad.
50 years old, Croatian woman.
I have a huge
immigration problem.
- I wouldn't mind
getting married.
Soon, if possible.
- Yeah, I'll marry you.
Then, you'll detail my
car, you little bitch.
- I am fuckin' pathetic.
- You have no idea
when you're life
is about to change, ya know.
There's no music queue,
there's no VOICEOVER like
"In a world where David's life
is about to totally change."
It just happens, for
better or for worse.
- Douchebag.
Fuckin' cum sucking bitch.
- Ride my dick like a Harley.
- Fuckin' ugly.
- You bein' funny again, is
that your way of being funny?
'Cause you know I like when
you make me laugh, yeah, yeah.
- Let go of me.
- Where are you goin'?
Jesus, oh fuck, where you goin'?
Oh shit, no.
- Woah, what are you doing?
- Go.
Seriously, go.
- No, I'm not getting
involved with this.
- You're already involved, go.
- You little fucker,
you little asshole.
You wanna see me Hulk up on
you, I will Hulk up on you.
- Seriously, he'll kill us.
- Goddammit.
- Bitch, I paid for your boots.
- Jesus Christ, I
almost pissed myself.
Is he still following us?
- No, he's gone, chill.
- Who was that guy?
- Just another asshole.
My feet hurt so bad.
Jesus Christ, they
smell bad, too.
Shoulda took a shower at
asshole's when I had the chance.
- I guess I'll take you home.
- I don't really have
a home right now.
- That's hard, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, sucks.
- What about your family,
can they help you out?
- My dad sits in his
chair and drinks his life away
and my step mom is
a born again witch.
Fuck, such a bitch.
Fuck 'em, seriously fuck 'em.
TMI?
- Yeah, maybe a little.
Yeah, just a bit.
- I'm Kat.
- Hey, David.
Nice to meet you.
Oh shit.
My car is overheating.
Jesus Christ.
Gonna have to pull over.
You piece of shit.
- The old pull
over the car trick.
- No, no, I'm serious,
sometimes I even have to like
pull over a couple
times just to get home.
This can take awhile.
Like, if you don't
want to wait, you can.
- Nope, I'm good.
Got anything to eat?
You want a hand job?
20 bucks, so worth it.
- No, I'm good, thanks.
- Ya know, I don't
offer everyone.
But, you seem nice and clean.
- Yeah, I showered
today, ya know,
shampooed, conditioned,
really went for it.
Ya know, I don't
think I'm actually
gonna make that movie tonight
so, maybe a few
bucks would help.
- I suppose you
have a girlfriend?
- Yeah, yeah, Nicole.
We live together.
- You're not from LA, are you?
- No, from a little white
trash town in Wisconsin.
- Little white
trash town in Idaho.
- I'm sorry, I
lied about Nicole.
We're just friends.
- So, you don't
have a girlfriend?
You want one?
- Wait, what, what?
- Someone to come home to.
You take care of me,
I'll take care of you.
- Yeah, I mean, you'd say
that to any guy right now.
- I don't trust guys.
I do you, you gave me
half your Skittles.
- You know, I can't just
take you home, ya know?
How do I know I can trust you?
- You can, you know you can.
- You don't just meet
someone and then,
bring them home to live with
you, I mean, who does that?
- You like me, you want to help.
You wanna say yes,
but you're afraid.
If you say yes, I swear I
won't do anything to hurt you.
- I have a really
small apartment.
- Just do it.
Let's go home.
- Okay, yeah, ya know what,
let's go home.
Oh god, I'm sorry.
Told ya it was small.
- It smells in here.
- Oh, the garbage shoot's
right next to the kitchen
but, they take the trash out
on Monday and that helps, so.
Here, let me give you the tour.
TV is here, there's DVDs there.
If you watch one though,
try and put it back,
they're kind of organized.
There's not very
many seating options.
You could be at
whatever seat I'm not.
- You draw?
- Oh, yeah, storyboards.
So, a director will
have ideas of how they
want to shoot their movies
and I'll draw the pictures
of how it'll look.
- That's cool.
- It's okay.
Actually, over here,
this is my real passion.
This will be my first
screenplay, feature film.
It's a big deal.
- That's my note system.
We don't want to touch that.
I do recycling in the kitchen.
We shoulda stopped
at got groceries.
- It's okay, I'm tired.
I just wanna use the
bathroom and go to bed.
- I'm kind of an Eco guy,
ya know, reduce, reuse.
I think it's really wasteful
to flush all the time.
Have you ever heard, ya know,
If it's yellow let it mellow
And if it's brown
flush it down
- Don't flush.
- I didn't flush.
So worn out, I'll just
shower in the morning.
- So glad you came, Kat.
It was the right
decision, ya know,
bringing you home.
- I'm glad too, I'm just
really tired, ya know,
from being homeless.
- Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
- Oh god.
I wanna text a picture of
her to Nicole, right now.
- This is awesome.
Now I know where to find
all the good chink food.
- We'll work
on the ethnic sensitivity.
It's all good.
- So, you were telling me before
about the guy that left you?
- Shawn.
We came here
together from Idaho,
and talked about a
whole band thing.
I sing a little.
- Wow, that's cool.
- Yeah.
'Til I woke up one
morning and it's like,
where's Shawn?
Just gone.
- And he didn't leave
you with anything?
- 50 bucks, a motel cost more.
- You must really hate him.
- I didn't say that, I mean,
you don't even know Shawn.
- Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.
- Maybe he was scared, you know?
He's not good at
being close to people.
- So, what did you do then?
- Moved in with a friend,
only person I knew in LA.
Like an idiot I
fucked her boyfriend.
- Heh, oops.
- It's not my fault
she couldn't keep
him satisfied, ya know.
Alright, your turn.
- What?
- I told you my shit.
Tell me something
embarrassing about you.
- I don't know, I can't
think of anything.
- Come on, there's no special
guy you ever went down on?
- What, where does
this come from?
- I don't buy it.
- How can you say that?
- Well, I mean,
it's fucking stupid.
Last year in Idaho it
was fucking freezing.
- No, temperatures
are rising, okay?
That's science,
it's not debatable.
- Oh, sweet, so easy.
Score, there's like five or
six bucks in here, for sure.
- Give it back to him.
- No way, he's just gonna
drink it all away anyways.
- Well give it to me.
Give it to me or I'm not
taking you back home.
- You know homeless
guys used to steal
from me all the time.
- Give it back to him.
- Everything is such a big
deal with you all the time.
- You're stealing from
a homeless person.
- I am homeless.
- By now, my contractions
were three minutes apart.
Yeah, I thought
about saying goodbye,
just gettin' the hell out.
But, then I thought about going
back to that tiny apartment,
that tiny life, and
I couldn't do it.
Somehow I had to make it work.
But then Kat started
sharing again,
her messed up childhood,
getting molested by someone
named Dick Outhouse,
like the most obscene,
fucked up country song ever.
Oh god and her stories
from the street.
- I did some shit, ya know,
but, I never like ate out
of the garbage or anything.
I met people like
this old couple let me
sleep in their garage,
and I woke up one night,
and sweet old grandpa
is trying to finger me.
I was like, "Really, wow."
Viagra fuckin' works,
let me tell you.
- Yeah, ya know, I think we
should probably head home.
I'm not feeling great.
- Dude, he's talking
shit about me,
you brought a homeless
person back to live with you.
How fucked up is that?
- I know you've had
it rough, alright
but, if you let me I
think I can help you.
- No, no, no way, no way.
I cannot stand
cigarettes, no cigarettes.
- I smoke, what do
you want me to do?
- Oh, hey Marcus.
- Hey, what's up dude?
- Not much, this is
my girlfriend, Kat.
- You have a girlfriend?
- Yeah, why wouldn't I?
- No reason, man.
How ya doin' Kat?
- I'm great.
You're hair is amazing.
I love black guys'
hair, so thick.
Shawn's hair was super thick.
Woah.
I could just drop ecstasy
and do this all night.
- Okay, cool.
I got a party to throw though.
You two should
both come by later.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, maybe.
Ya know, we got a
lot a stuff to do.
- No worries, alright.
Nice to meet you Kat.
Later bro.
- Why can't we go?
- 'Cause we're still
getting to know each other.
We should be
hanging, alright, us.
- You're staring at my boobs.
- God, no.
- Yes you are, all the time.
You want them?
- You alright?
You seem really, really quiet.
- It's okay, just do
whatever you want.
- I think we should do
this another time, ya know.
When you're a
little more into it.
- Whatever.
- You've gotta be shitting me.
- Dude, I gotta drop her
before she pukes again.
She came to my party,
she said you were tired.
She's your girl
so, I let her in.
- Aw, goddammit, you fucked her.
- What?
- Aw man, she was
totally into your hair.
- Dude, are you crazy, I didn't
touch her, I swear to god.
But bro, she's wild.
Okay, a lot of the
fellas up there,
they were hanging and
they were drinking.
Just sayin', you need
to put a leash on her.
- I thought we went over this.
Found this plastic
bottle in the trash
when it's clearly recyclable.
Don't you get it, we are
destroying the earth, okay?
You know, in 50 years there
won't be any polar bears
because there won't be any ice
for the polar bears to float on
and have their little
polar bear parties,
alright, do you understand this?
Is that okay with you?
- So, I killed the polar
bears with the plastic?
- Just make more of
an effort, alright?
I do a lot for you.
- You get something
out of it, too.
I need an aspirin and a Redbull.
- You even know
how you got home?
Marcus carried you,
after you snuck out.
- You were sleeping, I just
wanted to have some fun.
Nothing happened.
- You don't even
know what happened.
You might have even
been gang raped,
do that even bother you?
- God, just get some aspirin.
- Get it yourself.
She wants to play,
yeah, let's play, Kat.
Yeah, hell yeah,
let's have some fun.
I have some new rules.
From now on, you are
not allowed leaving here
unless I go with you.
And if I go out, you go with me.
- That would make
me like a prisoner.
- Well, that's a bad attitude.
- Grounding me, I'm so
gonna fuck with him.
- She's not gonna fuck with me,
at least not the way she thinks.
- I said we could have sex,
what more does he want?
- Intimacy, affection, ya know,
some flowers would be nice.
- Unless he hits
me, I'm not leaving.
- Unless she hits me,
we're sticking this out.
- I'm gonna make his life hell.
I'm gonna watch him squirm
like a bug and then squash him.
- I don't see how anything
could go wrong with this.
Is there any way you
could stop pacing?
Okay, it's challenging, right
but, we can make this work.
- I can't watch TV
because you can't focus.
What am I supposed
to do all day?
- Read, alright, go online.
You're lucky to spend
your time like that.
- I feel lucky.
- Just like my mom, the
glass is always half empty.
- Is this her?
- Yeah.
- Just the two of you?
- Yeah, my mom
and dad never got married.
- Bastard, huh?
- And if you can refer
to me as that, awesome.
- I'm an only child, too.
My mom died when I was little.
Dad's told me stuff but, I
don't really remember her.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm gonna be a mom someday.
- Really?
- What, I'm not the type?
- I didn't say that.
- Girls who give hand jobs
might make the best moms, god.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- I thought Shawn would be
the guy I'd have kids with.
Guess he had other plans.
- You're pacing.
- I wanna take you
home right now and.
- God.
- Make love to you.
I want to.
- What?
- I can't say it.
- Oh well.
- I wanna get you pregnant.
I wanna get you pregnant
so, that we have to settle
down and get married.
- Hey, that's my short film.
- Is that what this is?
- Yeah, I wrote it and I took it
to festivals all
around the country.
What do you think?
- Pretty trippy.
- Yeah, it's surreal,
but it's like funny.
You know, actually,
the script I'm writing
is the feature
version of the short.
- Oh, so, you'd
make a whole movie
about people on
their first date?
- Yeah, ya know, it's the
high hopes, the anxieties.
- Yeah but, who
wants to watch people
eat dinner for two hours?
Kinda retarded.
- Wow, you just
revealed your total
ignorance of independent film.
Ya know, smart people
like to watch things
more than blowing up.
- Whatever, I'm just
trying to find something
to do while I'm
all locked inside.
- Ya know, I have so many
great ideas for this film.
And that's what I'm working
on when I'm writing.
- I never see you writing.
You're just moving
little notes around.
- No, I'm preparing to write.
Ya know what, forget it.
Ya know what, this script,
this is like my shot, okay?
You don't know how
hard it's been for me
but, I wrote a 217 page
treatment speculating
on a new Star Wars
trilogy and you know what?
An agent threw it at me.
And it hit me in the groin.
I don't know what I was
thinking bringing you home.
We have nothing in common, zero.
You think you could help
with the dishes for once?
- You're the one that
got most of them dirty.
- You're pacing.
What?
You're pacing.
This is the storyboard
I was working on then.
It was a slasher film,
which is perfect because
when I was drawing it,
I was like, "She's gonna
kill me, in my sleep."
- So hot.
- Yeah, in December,
you wanna tell me again
how you don't believe
in climate change?
- I need to go out, need
to go out, need to go out.
- If you're quieter maybe later
I'll get you some ice cream.
- I'm so sick of this.
You are going to fuck me.
It's the only reason
you keep me around.
I told you, fine, just do
me with your tiny dick,
'cause I saw it coming
out of the shower.
Oh my god, I've
seen lots of them
but, yours is like, oh
my god, the smallest.
So, what, where?
On the bed, on
your fucking notes?
Just get it over with.
Okay.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?
I don't know what
to do with you.
Sometimes, I really
want you here
but, sometimes I
can't handle you.
- Let's just forget
about this, okay?
- Yeah, that'll be easy.
- We should get out.
That's how you get
cabin fever in here.
We could go to the
beach, cool off.
- In my car?
We'd never make it to the 405.
- Is there a pool around here?
Such a pretty little thing
Heart melts on the spot
Every time I look at you babe
I know I hate that I
Tell me all your stories
All the good and bad dreams
- No, I'm still adjusting
to the water, okay?
- Take it, bitch.
- Don't.
- Oh, okay, alright, alright.
You sure you wanna do this?
Truce, truce?
Come on, I will drown you.
I will drown you
right here, right now.
- Who are they?
- Marco?
Marco?
- Polo.
Tangled up in you
Crazy thing called love
Ever since this
has started honey
Can't get enough
Such a pretty little thing
Heart melts on the spot
And I know you'll keep
Keep holding on to me
Keep holding on to me
Keep holding on to me
Keep holding on to me
- No, no, no, don't.
I'll pee again.
- Oh, you're such
a delicate flower.
Oh, who needs a breath mint.
- Hold on, wait.
- You can kiss back, it's okay.
- You're trembling.
- Hey, Kat, wake up.
You were on the
streets for months.
It was more than just hand
jobs for ya, right, it was?
- We used a condom
and I got STD checks
at the free clinic all the time.
- No, that's not it.
Hey, I mean, you did
what you had to do.
I just really need to know.
If you don't tell me, I'm
just gonna awfulize?? this
and I'm gonna think the worst.
- It was mostly hand jobs,
quick, didn't have to get naked.
- And you um, blew guys,
that must've happened?
- I could totally lie, you
would have no way of knowing.
- And what else?
You must've slept
with guys, huh?
- Hell yeah, for a while
I wanted to be a hooker,
beat the hell outta
bein' homeless.
That was before the rape.
This one asshole got me alone
and hit me really hard.
He said he'd beat
the shit out of me
unless I fucked him so, I did.
That's rape, right?
Except like, I was
on top doing him
but, it's not like I wanted to.
After, I told him
I had AIDS and ran.
Cocksucker.
There was the one
dude who masturbated
while I made out
with his girlfriend.
- Okay, Jesus, I get it, okay.
- I'm a dirty whore, just say
whatever shit you're thinking.
Do you want me to leave?
- When I was 18 I got this
job at a trendy restaurant.
And one night this older
guy was hitting on me.
He was telling me
that he was meeting
this big TV producer
for breakfast
and that if I went with
him, he would introduce me
and maybe get me an internship.
I would do anything to
get into the industry.
We go back to his house,
and he keeps pouring
me drink after drink.
He starts playing
these mind games like,
because I didn't know my dad,
am I afraid of male affection?
And what's the difference
between a female blowjob
and a male blowjob?
But, I wouldn't
let him touch me.
And he said "Don't you
think you owe me something?"
And then he took my hand
and he put it on his thing.
And I didn't jerk him
but, he moved my hand.
And you get it.
Here's the thing,
when all that happened,
I had a place to sleep,
I had plenty to eat, I wasn't
on the street all alone.
We should get some sleep.
- It's not a big
deal, what you did.
- You're right,
it's no big deal.
Decembers here
All my loved ones near
Singing songs all
through the night
And we're sitting
by the fireside
This time of year
With my family near
It all turns white today
And I know its gonna be okay
Woh oh
It's Christmas
Woh oh
It's Christmas
- We could watch It's A
Wonderful Life tonight.
Or ya know, I have
the 1951 version
of A Christmas Carol
with Alastair Sim.
- Oh my god, I love that one.
Can we get a tree
when we're out?
- No way.
Christmas trees are
completely wrong alright,
they cut millions of
them down for nothing.
- Okay, a plastic tree.
I can't believe you
have a job thing
on Christmas Eve day.
- I know but, I gotta
meet this director.
They got rid of their
storyboard artist,
and I could really use the gig.
Ready for the road trip?
- All packed, Christmas tequila.
- Can't you go anywhere
without drinking?
- Uh, yeah, when I'm stoned.
Can't I just wait
for you one time?
- Maybe in the new year.
I just really want you with me.
Now, ya understand this is
a business meeting, right?
You can't come in there with me.
- I'll just wait in
the car like your dog.
Oh, crack the window for me.
- Hey Sara, if
Craig's not here in five,
I'll personally
piss on his face.
- Jamie.
Hey, how are you?
- I'm great, it's
good to see you David.
Thanks for meeting me here.
I'm getting ready for some
test shoots after the holiday.
- Am I interviewing with you?
- I am the director.
I saw your name up for
the storyboarding job
and I wanted to surprise you.
- Well, I am surprised.
- Let's just put it out there.
I was an asshole to
you after our thing.
- You were slow in
getting back to me
in that you never did.
- Truth is, I was
so drunk that night,
I dimly remember
a tiny apartment
you had then with the smell
from the garbage shoot.
- It would make me
feel so much better
if I could do something for you.
I saw your car
when you pulled up
so, I'm guessing you
could use the work.
- Yeah, wow, huh.
So, you're directing
a feature film now?
UTA went batshit for my script
so, I attached
myself as director.
They keep saying I'm
the next Lena Dunham.
Let me see your drawings.
Everyone uses software
now to storyboard
but, you still draw by
hand, that is so cute.
Your drawings are good.
You ever thought of
making this your career?
- No, no, I mean, I like drawing
but, I live for writing.
- David, have you even
written a screenplay yet?
It's just in our writers group
you never had anything to show.
- I'm outlining a
feature right now, okay,
and I am that much closer
to writing it everyday.
- Alright, whatever you say.
But, as a friend, if you're
that afraid to write,
move on now.
Don't waste the next
20 years of your life.
- I've gotta go, I've gotta
a lot of Christmas stuff.
- I'm only trying to help.
Hey, you can still
do my storyboards.
- I hated your writing, alright,
if you won an award,
it'd be the crappy.
Seriously, if he
read her script,
Billy Wilder would just puke.
- God, pick up the
shattered pieces
of your life and move on.
- Why are you so pissed?
Ya know, you have been in
a bad mood since we left.
And now my car is
overheating again.
Why does Christmas always suck?
Our Christmas tree.
- You're wasted.
- I got it, just, got it?
Hold this for a second.
What do you think?
Should we put the lights on it,
or do you think that
would cause like a fire?
- Okay, now I helped you
even though it totally
scratched up my arms.
You wanna give me like the
best Christmas gift ever?
- What?
- Let me go out alone tonight.
- Seriously?
- I have a friend, I just
want to hang out with him.
- With him?
- He's a dealer, okay,
I just want to chill
and smoke some weed, that's it.
- It's Christmas Eve.
- I need to get out
by myself, for once,
okay, I'm upset.
- What, you wanna leave
me alone on Christmas Eve?
- Please let me out,
please let me out.
- Why are you so upset?
- When I've been on Facebook,
I've been trying to reach Shawn.
In my head I'm always like,
"He doesn't know where I am,
"If he knew he would
come looking for me."
And I messaged him a bunch of
times and today he wrote back,
and he said, "Don't try
to find me again, ever."
Like I'm a crazy stalker,
I mean, he's the crazy one.
- Shawn is the
one that left you.
He is the reason you
were on the street.
- I knew you wouldn't
be supportive.
- Supportive?
I've been feeding you,
I've given you clothes.
- Oh, keeping me
inside like your pet.
- What did you expect, huh?
You wanted Shawn to
just come in here
and sweep you away?
Tell me.
- I love Shawn, okay, I'm
always gonna love him.
Shit.
- Do you even like me?
Or is this all pretend
so you can stay here?
Can I give you a ride somewhere?
California Christmas
California Christmas
It's got me down today
It's a California Christmas
And there's no snow
And there's no
one left to play
California dreamin'
California livin'
California price to pay
- Hey baby, come on, come on.
- That's David.
This is Armstrong.
- Yo, hey, man, you want some
I mean, it's old but, I
think it's still good.
No?
Kat likes the spliff
but, I got other shit, man.
You can take that in
the back room, man.
She gonna be stayin' a while.
Hey my baby, my friend's
gonna be so glad to see you.
We're gonna make
us a little extra
this holiday, know
what I'm sayin'?
Ho ho ho.
- Hey Kat, can I talk
to you for a second?
What did he mean?
Is he gonna be your pimp, Kat?
- Don't pretend
like you care now.
- I can't believe
you're gonna do this.
- Yeah, make money,
get my own place.
- Oh, you think he'll
let that happen?
- I'll get a place, I'm
not taking any more shit
from every asshole with a dick.
- Oh yeah, 'cause
prostitution is so feminist.
- Ugh, such a prick.
- Ya know what,
just for the record,
this isn't my fault,
okay, you had options.
You coulda gone and
lived with your family,
you coulda gone to the YWCA.
I am not responsible
for you anymore, okay.
- I don't want you to be.
- That's right,
it'll be okay, honey.
- Ever see the movie Crash?
Not the everyone's
a racist movie
but, the David
Cronenberg's Crash.
It's where people,
they drive around
and they get into car accidents
just for the sexual
pleasure of it.
My attraction to Kat, it
was sometimes like that,
ya know, anticipating the jolt
or waiting for the
pain, the adrenaline.
It was very exciting,
if it doesn't kill you.
- A little stinky, huh?
Maybe we should get in the tub.
I gotta take me a leak.
- Hey.
I came back for you, okay.
You don't have to do
this, alright, come on.
You wanna go, yes or no?
Let's go.
Oh hey, she's changed
her mind, alright.
She's gonna go.
- Kat, you gonna leave me alone
with all this fine
ass weed, is that it?
- Thanks for getting me
ripped, I've changed my mind.
- Boy.
- Hey, no, Jesus, please, no.
- Tryin' to just fuck me, is that what you're trying to do, bitch
- I'm so sorry, I'm
so sorry, okay, no.
- Fuckin' outta here.
- No, no, alright, I can't
leave without her, okay?
I can't and I won't.
Please.
Please.
- Okay, make me an offer.
Come on, motherfucker, how
much you wanna pay for her?
How much?
- My mom, she gave me
all this money right,
for new tires cause
my breaks, they
and then I come off the,
I've got about $341
but, this is all I have.
- My man, sold.
Yo, I hope she worth it.
- Here.
I took down the Christmas stuff,
'cause I'm done with Christmas.
I had a spare key made.
I don't know what you're
gonna do out there
but, whatever it is, I want
you to come back here after.
This is your home now, too.
I put my script away, it's done.
I'll draw when I have to
but, mostly,
I just want to take care of you.
- No, it's green,
you're into that.
- I'm so good at this.
It just feels like, oh god,
like I'm in a giant straw,
ya know, one of the ones
with like the loops,
and I'm getting
sucked through it.
Actually it's freaking me out.
- Here.
How's that?
- That's good, that's good.
- I watched your
short film again.
- Really?
- Mmhmm.
Why'd you put that
stuff in there
about her getting pregnant
and getting married?
- It was kinda funny, ya know.
- That's it?
- Well, there's me
not knowing my dad.
I would never do that.
I would never get someone
pregnant and just walk away.
It's like this feeling.
If I ever got someone
pregnant we'd be like jointed,
right, and we'd be
together forever.
And we couldn't even
get away from each other
even if we tried.
Oh, that's weird.
- No, it's not.
- It's just a fantasy.
- Okay, I have a baby thing.
I totally do.
When I'm around them,
I'm just kind of happy.
When people don't let me
hold theirs, I get so pissed.
I know zero about them,
they're just kind of cuddly.
Oh, and I love baby booties.
No, seriously, it's like
a fetish or something.
- Have I ever told you
about Tristan and Isolde?
It's a really old story.
They go into this
cave of lovers.
And it's just them, they
don't have anything else.
And they're away from everyone.
They just live there.
That could be us.
- It's kinda like
a cave in here.
I've been on the
water and roads
Every mountain, every
valley, every coast
But nothin' ever
got a grip on my heart
There's never
that comforting glow
Like arms wrapped
around your soul
Me and my home
shall never part
Home
Whoa oh oh home
Whoa oh oh home
I'd rather be home
Home
Whoa oh oh home
Whoa oh oh home
It keeps calling me
So I'm coming back
I'm coming back home
Whoa oh oh home
Whoa oh oh home
I'd rather be home
Home
Whoa oh oh home
Whoa oh oh home
It keeps calling me
So I'm coming back
I'm coming back
I'm coming back
I'm coming back home
Whoa oh oh home
Whoa oh oh home
Oh oh oh oh
I'm coming back home
Whoa oh oh home
Whoa oh oh home
Whoa oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
- This is like my
first real Valentines,
no boyfriend even got me a card.
- Really?
I always got one
card on Valentines,
from my mother.
Which, for the record, is
way worst than getting none.
This actually seems like
an appropriate time.
- Oh my god, are you serious?
- There were so many
I liked for you.
I know it seems a little
environmentally extravagant
but, you're worth it.
- Okay, you know how
you were really pissed
at me on Christmas
Eve and you were all,
"Do you even like me?"
- That's not how I sound.
I like your laugh,
like a little boy's.
I like how safe
you make me feel.
I like that you trembled
the first time we had sex.
- Don't stop, those
aren't even the best ones.
- I'm just trying to
describe how I feel.
My grandma had Alzheimer's.
She would jump around
a lot in her mind.
Like, sometimes
she'd be really young
and have her two
little daughters.
It was really sad.
But, it was also kinda poetic.
'Cause right before she died,
she was going back to
her happiest moments.
When I'm old and tired,
I wanna come back to this place.
- Wait.
Our fantasy, should
we just do it?
What time is it?
- It's after noon.
I was already gonna
be working by now.
- Ya know what I'd do at my
old job when I overslept?
Blow it off.
- The cocktail
hours started moving up.
4:00 PM, 2:30.
I remember the first day we
had margaritas for breakfast.
We drank and watching
Leaving Las Vegas.
I'm not even sure
we got the irony.
The challenge was coming
up with things to do.
Ya know in plays
like Uncle Vanya,
Chekhov was always stressing
the importance of keeping busy.
I wonder if he had a binge
and purge phase, too.
So gross.
God, look at us.
And this was a good day, shit.
So much we should've
seen coming.
- Shit, it's April 1st, rent.
You think our landlord will
accept payment in tequila?
- Um, I'm pregnant.
- Aw, April Fools, dude,
you totally nailed me.
- It's not shocking, we haven't
used a condom in a while.
Now, we really can't get
away from each other, huh?
So, do we get married now?
- What do you think?
- Shit.
We need more money.
- What?
- For the baby, we'll
need more money.
Don't stop.
- Okay, I thought
about blogging.
- Oh, lots of money there.
Are you slowing down?
- Ya know, we should talk
about you maybe getting a job.
- I can't work,
hello, having a baby.
- Yeah, well you know
in the olden days
women used to just
like plow the fields
until the baby
would just drop out.
- Well that was retarded.
- You know you can't be drinking
while you're pregnant, right?
- Once in a while isn't bad.
- Uh, says who?
- Like that show
you had me watch.
- Mad Men?
- Yeah, pregnant moms
drinking, smoking.
Babies still got born.
Cashier, telemarketing, we'll
find something for you, honey.
- I don't feel up to this.
- Walmart greeter.
Hey, how much you think
an exterminator makes?
Security guard.
Sweet, you'd get a Taser.
- Hey, guess what,
script's back on.
I think I was just tired before
but, a lot of these notes
are really, really great.
Oh, and guess what.
So, there's this guy from
my old writers group,
he sold his script to Paramount.
Dreams do come true.
And Jamie is a
soul-crushing bitch.
- Great, as long as
that's not your total plan
for how we'll survive.
- Hey, I can do this.
- Okay, god, should
I get out my pom poms
and do a cheer?
- No.
- It's my first
all day, I swear.
Goddammit, you have a
drink, chill a little.
- What did we talk about?
- But, I'm drinking for two now.
- That's not funny.
- You make me anxious,
be sweet again.
- I'm sorry, okay, I will be.
Just let me get some
work done, okay?
Kat.
Kat, come on.
- Come here, come on.
- My notes.
- Ya know what?
Fuck you and fuck your notes.
Yay.
Daddy's home.
Oh my god.
Come here, I've
been looking online.
Baby monitor, guess we
won't need one of those.
Bonnets.
Oh, baby booties.
See?
I'm working stuff out.
So, you don't worry,
no, you don't.
It's all good.
- I can't believe you did this.
- Now, don't you do
or say bad things.
I'm celebrating.
We never even celebrated this.
Uh oh, daddy's mad.
- Just sit down, okay.
We need to just
stop for a minute
and think about this.
Oh god, my hands are shaking.
God.
Is this how guys become
absent dads or abusive?
I'm scared, okay?
What kind of life is
this for the kid, huh?
How are we gonna
raise it, seriously?
- I can have a baby
alone, I don't need you.
- How are you even
gonna support it?
How are you even gonna live?
- Oh, right, you
know what, fuck you.
Just like your dad, he
walked out on your mom
and you're walking out on me.
- Stop Kat, please.
We can't go through
with it, we can't.
Kat, please.
Kat.
Just stop, okay, stop, stop.
- No, stop.
- Don't say that.
- No you lied to me.
- I didn't mean to, okay, I
didn't mean to, I'm sorry.
- No, leave me alone.
- I'm so sorry
- Stop touching me.
- I'm so sorry.
- Stop touching me, please, stop.
- I'm sorry, please no.
Kat, I'm sorry, okay.
- I'll stop drinking,
okay, all by myself.
- We can't, okay?
- Please.
I'm never doing that again.
- Come on, you should
take your pills.
- Take them later.
- You know it doesn't mean we
couldn't try again someday.
You know, when our
lives are more together.
Honey, can't we just talk about.
- It's too early for that.
- I wanna go home to Idaho,
I need money for the bus.
I never wanna see you again.
- Alright, take it.
Alright, just fuckin' take it.
You know what, just
take everything
like you always
fuckin' do, alright.
- Take your fucking key.
Fucking asshole.
What if Joan of Arc
Was looking for a spark
For the kindling in her heart
For the flame
And if superman
Was her biggest fan
Would he hold her hand
Through the flame
Even on that fiery day
Joan of Arc
- Hi mom, happy Mother's Day.
Was heard to say
- No, I'm doing great, why?
I'm alive
I'm alive
- What can I say?
Matter decays,
the universe ends.
That's reality.
Guess I should clean
this place up a little.
I went to a 12 step
meeting after Kat left,
just to check it out.
They said if you
can't help somebody
without expecting
something in return,
you shouldn't do it.
That's my relationship
with women.
It's helping them, expecting
something in return.
Hi Kat.
Been looking for you
here on Facebook.
I wish you would say hi
and tell me how you are.
Hey, you know the couple
we used to watch
with our binoculars?
I see that the girlfriend
has moved back in
and they're having more
of that nasty makeup sex.
Bet you wish you could see that.
L-M-F-A-O
I have something to share.
- Oh my god, David
wrote a real script.
Look, look, pages.
- Yeah, well, don't get
too excited, alright,
you guys are gonna hate it.
It's okay, seriously.
'Cause I like it.
- So great, we
finally got a David script.
- And we have Dan's.
- Romeo and Juliet.
- Those aren't comedies.
I'm not talking career suicide,
I'm talking like
suicide suicide.
- He's not foolin' anyone,
he's not gay, man, we are so.
- Dan, you're up.
Suicide pact buddy comedy.
- I don't believe suicide
comedy's been done yet.
- Are you kidding me?
- What about Harold and Maude?
- Yeah.
- No, no, no.
Well, okay, I'm talking
like double suicide.
- Well, that's it.
Now, I honestly loved Kat
so, I don't want
this to sound mean
but, my life is
better without her
and it's not just
because she was insane.
It takes two to make
a relationship crazy.
Oh, something I
wanted to show you.
There's this theory,
that the universe
doesn't just break
up in the end.
But, there's actually
a new universe
growing inside of this one,
and eventually it'll just push
the old one outta the way.
Creation, constantly
rewriting itself.
I like that.
There's a little
light shining down
Just enough to make me see
A little light is all I need
There's a little light
shining down
My life is better without her.
Hello.
What happened?
Oh my god, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I know
where that is.
No, no, I'm gonna
come to get you,
alright, just stay there.
Yes, in my car.
- No, no, god no.
I made it.
Are you alright?
- I got a cell phone
now so, that's cool.
- What's up though?
You said there was an
emergency, you were in trouble?
- I got left here.
- Yeah, and?
- I need a ride.
- I didn't even
know you were back.
You know my car broke
down on the way here.
I had to get a ride
with some weird guy,
he was like some sort
of like faith healer,
and he put the car
on cruise control,
and he tried to expel
demons from my forehead.
Enough with this bullshit, okay?
Seriously, why'd you call me?
- I'm back.
Take me home.
- So, who left you, huh?
Was it your new boyfriend?
Oh, David will take me
back, he's a big pussy.
Right, cause I'm a
big comfy vagina?
I can't do this, not again.
But, you'll survive,
you always do.
Stay, alright, stay right here
and don't even think
about following me.
Go.
Okay, you need some help?
Go.
You know how much I gave to you?
Do you?
No, no, no more.
No more.
Brush me off but I'll be back
Your runaway talk well it is just that
- We can't let the apartment get so messy.
Alright, I can't
write when it's messy.
You try to outrun your ghosts
You say I couldn't
possibly know
But I know
You need someone - I'm just
saying, people can change.
You believe that, don't you?
And I bet you know
You need someone
Well I'm standing right here
Got my heart wide open
I'd like it to be me
If you need someone
I'd like it to be me
Don't go it alone
It's a long enough road
And I'd like it to be me
If you need someone
I'd like it to be me
Well there's not a soul
That hasn't felt lost
But a little hope
Can fend the pain off
Well everybody's
got their own pain
I ain't that naive
But I know
We all need someone
Well I'm standing right here
Got my heart wide open
And I'd like it to be me
If you need someone
I'd like it to be me
Don't go it alone
It's a long enough road
And I'd like it to be me
If you need someone
I'd like it to be me
Well I'm standing right here
With my heart wide open
And if you need someone
I'd like it to be me