1
[Doorbell rings]
[Knock on door]
[Doorbell rings]
Have you tried the back?
Oh, no, sir.
I haven't.
Oh, shit!
I'm in a spot of bother
with the law.
In a minute, I'll try and
tell you how all this happened.
But just for now
I need to keep my head down.
There doesn't appear
to be anyone here, sir.
- Come back this afternoon.
Right, sir.
Do I look like a murderer'?
[Sighs ] Well, yes,
I suppose I do in this picture.
[ Beeping ]
WOMAN: Hello.
Northwestern Bank.
Hello.
Um, I'd like to transfer
1,000,257.63
to a bank in Malagrena in --
Name, sir'?
Malagrena.
In South America.
No, sir, I was asking --
I'm sorry.
You want my name.
All this started when
I met Karen and Dennis Parsons,
Whose house this used to be.
They are both, I'm afraid,
no longer with us.
Isn't that lovely'?
Dennis chose that.
Yes.
The first time I visited
number 9 Ramillies Drive
I was a penniless teacher
at a low-rent language school.
A nobody.
That explains
the whole business, really.
Now, while I make myself scarce,
will you listen to the tale of
how a nice young man like me
came to be wanted for murder'?
Ah, here he is.
Here he is.
Great Scott.
Come 'round, come 'round.
The funny thing was,
Karen -- Dennis's wife --
was absolutely not my type.
So...
How did you meet
Karen and Dennis'?
At a Wine and cheese at the
language school where I teach.
Dennis does my boss's books.
I'm Dennis's partner,
Thomas Carter.
- Ah.
- I didn't catch your name.
Come on, now.
Get that down your neck, matey.
Yeah, it was his wine know-how
that impressed me,
not his dress sense.
Can't think how he does the
research on what Clive pays him.
Now, what do you think of that'?
Cabernet?
Uh, yes and no.
I know what you mean.
Cabernet franc not sauvignon.
It's from the Loire definitely.
You've got Denny worried now.
-[ Laughter]
- Chinon'?
Oh, Bourgueil, in fact.
- Oh!
- But not bad. Not bad at all.
Very few people
can tell them apart.
[ Sniffs ]
You see, our mortgage
is endowment,
Whereas Thomas's is repayment.
Now, I have taken
a fixed-term loan to improve.
But, then, as I said earlier,
"What the hell,
I'm an accountant."
You say to me,
"What's two and two?"
And I say,
"What would you like it to be?"
[ Laughter]
But the good things of life,
as I see it --
Well, a nice home, for example.
[ Laughs ]
A good education.
Well, these things
all cost money.
Money is the bottom line.
What kind of mortgage
do you have'?
Uh, the nonexistent kind.
I've been teaching English
abroad for 15 years.
- Whereabouts?
- All over.
I ended up in a place called
Malagrena in South America.
All I brought back from there
was a distaste
for working after lunch.
[ Laughter]
Would you excuse me'?
DENNIS: You know, some of
the South American chardonnays
are coming up very nicely.
I don't know Whether you've
ever had the chance to taste
a really good
Chilean pinot noir.
[Music box playing]
Why'?
Why do these horrible,
ignorant bloody people
earn more in a week
than I do in a month'?
Karen.
[ Door locks ]
Karen'?
DENNIS: Karen'?
-[ Knock on door]
Karen'?
What happened
to the Beaumes de Venise'?
- On.
-on.
You've, uh, seen Karen'?
Yeah.
She went upstairs.
Oh, do I need to point Percy
at the porcelain.
Oh, absolutely not.
Dennis, can I have, um,
a word in private?
I think you should know
someone's been playing footsie
with me under your dining table.
Well, I don't think
it would be Thomas Carter.
I think Lyn would have let us
know if he had, uh, tendencies.
[ Laughs ]
He's rather keener on Karen.
Fancying people-
What's that all about,
though, eh'?
You know, Karen isn't...
You know?
I mean,
when you're a married man...
It might have been different if
she'd been able to have kiddies.
And she's very involved
with her gymnastics classes,
and I'm 100% accountant.
That's just the way it is.
She's probably chucking up
in the upstairs bathroom.
[ Chuckles ]
Shall we, uh, rejoin the ladies?
[ Laughs ]
I've, uh, just been chatting to
our friend, the eternal student.
I don't think we should give him
any more wine, don't you know,
or the law might take
his precious bicycle away.
[ Laughter]
If it hadn't been for
the "eternal student" crack,
I don't think I'd have bothered
to try and seduce
Dennis's wife.
As it was,
I had no alternative.
[Whirring]
[Whirring]
[Telephone ringing]
[Whirring stops]
Parsons here.
Hi, Dennis.
Um, look, I-l left, my, uh --
my Wallet
'round at your place last night.
It's -- It's a brown leather job
with a --
with a green sticker on it.
Thanks very much for a really
enjoyable evening, by the way.
It was a real eye-opener for me.
Have you seen a wallet, Karen'?
Clive's teacher laddie
left his 'round here last night.
Oh, yeah.
I know Where it is.
Tell him to come 'round now.
Yes. We've got it.
Come 'round now.
[Click]
[Thunder rumbles]
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, it's you.
Dennis isn't here.
I know he isn't.
I've been Waiting for him to go
for an hour
in the freezing rain.
It's all right. Just give me
my Wallet and I'll go.
I haven't got your wallet.
I know you haven't.
Then why are you here'?
What is it with you?
Pointless Washing the car
on a day like this.
I've got an Australian merlot
you might like to try.
And there's a shiraz with lots
of fruity elegant body about it.
Things were looking up.
An Oxford education.
Tradition and the pursuit
of excellence.
The dreaming spires.
I'm sure I'd believed
in all that
in my time as a student here.
But as things were,
I'd ended up a slave
in the Clive Phillips School
of English for foreigners,
a bucket shop of the worst sort
run by a diminutive
barrow boy who...
Well, see for yourself.
I hear Dennis and Karen Parsons
asked you to dinner.
Small world, isn't it'?
Well, I'm not sure
I like members of my staff
consorting with my accountant.
And his lovely wife, Karen.
You're late.
Not a thing to be
when your contract's
nearly up for renewal.
You owe me 7 exactly.
Why's that, Clive?
'Cause I pay you 6 an hour,
and you are
an hour and 'lo minutes late.
How did you get on with Karen'?
Isn't she a lovely girl'?
You know your trouble,
my friend'?
You haven't
marketed yourself properly.
These days an Oxford education
isn't worth the paper
it's printed on.
Cash is the bottom line.
See, look at me.
Look at what I've got.
And I'm a total yob, really.
[indistinct talking]
Morning.
Sorry I'm late.
Right.
I have recorded
a simple conversation
between me and a lady.
How you say --
with the big jugs, no'?
No, Massimo.
Am I not early, yes'?
No.
Sit down, please.
EDWARD: Hello there.
Can I get you anything?
WOMAN: Yes.
I will give you some money
so that you can buy me carrots.
EDWARD:
Give me 20.
WOMAN:
20 is too much.
EDWARD: Why is it too much'?
Please tell me.
- Karen.
- I had to come.
You have to go.
If Clive sees you here,
I'm fired.
Denny does Clive's books.
I have privileges.
We can't talk here.
You can say what you like
in front of this lot.
I teach them. None of them speak
a word of English.
Really'?
- Yeah. Just talk quickly.
We can't have an affair.
I love Denny.
Well, who said
anything about love'?
We can't have an affair.
I can't...
This is fun.
Can I really say
anything I like?
Apparently, yes.
Denny and I
don't have sex anymore.
And I want it.
I think about it all the time.
But I love Denny.
So, what's your problem?
Sorry.
I really like you
and everything.
I just can't.
So, uh, Garcia.
What did you think
that conversation was about?
I think he wants to shag her.
But she says she don't want.
Although she do want.
Women always do want.
But she want dollar to shag him,
and he only offer her carrots.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
That's -- That's nearly there.
Let's -- Let's carry on,
shall we,
and see if -- if you were right.
But she got Dennis
to ask me 'round again.
I knew she would.
Karen and I understood perfectly
the complicated rules
of our relationship.
In the beginning, anyway.
Quiero hablar
con Carlos Ventura.
MAN; Si.
Hola. Carlos.
It's me.
CARLOS:
I recognize your voice!
Yes, I should hope you do
recognize my voice.
Listen, I'm on my way
back to Malagrena.
Right now.
[Siren wailing]
I'll tell you when I get there.
I've got to go.
[Sighs]
Dennis, for some unknown reason,
got rather fond of me.
Mm, there.
Now, what do you think of that'?
That's -- That's smooth,
isn't it?
Slips down your throat
like velvet.
Now, this one
is a sort of a cross
between a late-harvest riesling
and an Amarone.
As in Valpolicella.
Ah.
KAREN:
[Meaning softly]
Now, this one is, uh...
[ Sniffs ]
Big.
It's a big wine.
Mm.
It's enormous.
It explodes in the mouth.
Big, hot...
hard, and juicy.
With a tremendous attack
on the nose.
Generous,
well-proportioned body.
Soft.
But very firm.
Have you been reading
these tasting notes?
EDWARD:
And a long, lingering
final...
...grip.
[Gasping softly]
Are you snoring, Karen'?
She snores like a pig.
I'm going to bed.
EDWARD:
Good night.
Night.
I don't suppose
an eternal student like you
could ever afford
30-year-old Armagnac.
You know how much this cost me'?
Not one penny.
Friend of a friend.
Payment in kind.
Lot of it goes on.
Shame to dump it on the dregs.
I'll get some fresh glasses.
Now, according to this bloke,
it has a smooth complexity
that defies description.
-[ Laughs ]
-[ Zips 1
it must be
absolutely bloody amazing
if he can find no words for it.
Honestly, the old bore
goes on and on and on
about his blessed wine.
You'd think he had nothing else
in his life.
[ Laughs ]
No, no, not the floor cupboard,
you twerp.
The one above your head.
Well, come on.
Chop, chop.
We don't want to be sitting here
all night, boy!
Oh, I'm just...
I was just coming.
[ Gasps ]
Ah! Ah!
[ Gasping ]
You all right'?
Oh. Cramp.
You want to learn to relax, boy.
It's good to be with a lad...
The rules were that this woman
would go down on me
in her husband's presence
but wouldn't touch me,
wouldn't see me or speak to me,
unless he was there.
...and get you
right royally pissed
on a cab sauv from Argentina.
[ Laughs ]
Good night, Dennis.
But wherever it might lead,
whether we wanted to or not,
I knew that night that we were
bound to go all the way.
Dennis even offered me
a free holiday m the Dordogne.
I was hoping that my real
intimacy with Karen
might begin now,
as it so often does
with English women en vacances.
It's about the only occasion
when they have enough time
for sex.
MAN: Au revoir.
Merci beacoup, monsieur.
Bonne chance.
Ah, bonjour!
Bonjour!
Hi!
I'm so glad you decided to come.
We have a friend
who's a neighbor.
Alison Kraemer.
Just your sort of person.
Are you trying to pair me off
with someone, Thomas?
Hi.
How's your tan'?
- Hello, Dennis.
- Hi there.
You're looking good.
Thanks. Come in.
It's lovely.
-Is it?
-[ Laughs ]
A couple of clays later
we went for lunch
at the neighbor's house.
I couldn't help thinking
that this
was what
they should have rented.
I felt
immediately at home here.
Just my sort of place.
Alison Kraemer owned it.
And of course
it had been in her family
for several generations.
Hello!
How lovely!
Well done you for finding it.
Come in.
Hello.
This is our friend.
- How do you do'?
-Hello. I'm Alison.
[indistinct talking, laughter]
EDWARD:
Thank you.
So, what made you
read languages?
To learn
how to conceal my thoughts.
Actually, I wanted to experience
"Therese Raquin"
in the original.
The original what?
The original French.
And now we all have to say
why we hate the French.
Without using the word
"lorry driver."
[ Laughter]
[Laughs loudly]
THOMAS: Lyn and I
are just off out, Dennis!
See you!
[Vehicle door closes,
engine turns over]
[Vehicle departs]
[Shower running]
[ Gasps ]
- I'll scream.
- I hope so.
KAREN:
[Meaning]
She's a stuck-up bitch,
that Kraemer woman.
DENNIS:
Karen'? Karen'?
Where are you, Karen'?
What are we gonna do with him'?
What are we gonna do
without him'?
[ Chuckles ]
Hello, Dennis.
Ah.
Where is everybody'?
Where's, um, Karen'?
She's up to something
in the bathroom.
Physical jerks of some sort.
Do you mind if I ask you
a very personal question?
Of course you can.
Do you have a pension plan
of any kind?
I have no fewer than
three personal pension plans.
And I also have
a company scheme.
And I've tied one of them
into a really state-of-the-art
life-insurance plan.
That's great.
If I died tomorrow,
I would be worth three-quarters
of a million pounds.
[Exhales sharply]
I mean, I'd be dead, of course.
What I mean to say is,
Karen would be worth
three-quarters
of a million pounds.
That gives me
very real satisfaction.
That's...
That's Wonderful.
[Laughing]
After that, killing the man
would have been doing him
a favor, really, wouldn't it'?
But the funny thing is, in spite
of what happened subsequently,
I did not kill Dennis Parsons.
That is the absolute truth.
I'd like the best available
single ticket
to San Bartolomeo, please.
It's in
the Republic of Malagrena.
South America.
Slightly to the right
of Guatemala.
Politically speaking.
You'll have to change
at Newark, sir.
That's fine.
I repeat --
I did not murder Dennis Parsons.
You see, Dennis being alive
suited both of us
very Well indeed.
Our adultery was different
after France.
The rules of engagement
altered.
The great charm of Dennis
was his predictability.
You could set your watch
by him.
And to make things all the more
exciting, we did just that.
- Bye, darling!
- Bye!
- I've got my period.
- So'?
[Vehicle approaches]
[Vehicle door closes]
Karen'?
Karen'?
KAREN:
[Meaning ] No!
No what?
I wanted to know
Whether you had rung Roger
about that estimate for
the building work in the cellar.
Karen, did you ring Roger or Ken
about that estimate
for the building work
in the cellar?
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
[ Gasping ]
Well, what did you tell him'?
I told him...l told him...
Go on!
Don't stop!
Oh. Sorry.
[Meaning]
Karen, what did you say to Roger
about the cellar?
Carry on!
You're doing a great...
[Moans] great job down there!
[ Gasping ]
Karen, what are you doing
in there'?
Just...finishing my...
...exercises!
It's late! [ Moans]
You don't want to be late!
[Meaning]
It's all very Well for you.
I'm the one who's out there
running around all day,
making all the calls
while you lie around here
enjoying yourself.
Always the life of Riley,
isn't it, woman?
[Meaning]
[ Door closes]
Oh, that was the best ever.
It's like he's here
but -- but not here.
Do you know what I mean'?
I think I do, yeah.
Ahh!
And then two weeks after
our return from France,
term started.
I went back almost cheerfully
to the Clive Phillips
seat of learning.
Well, well, well.
It's our tame intellectual,
back from his holiday.
If you're asking me
if I enjoyed myself, Clive,
the answer's yes.
Well, I hope
it didn't cost you too much.
How unusually thoughtful of you
to worry about
my financial situation.
Although I suppose
the appalling bad Wages you pay
do make you
in a sense responsible.
Well, I'm about to take
an even greater share
of that responsibility
because as of, uh,
9:00 this morning,
you're officially
off the payroll, sonny Jim.
You are fired.
By no means
is your contract being renewed.
I take a very dim view
of my teachers leaving me short
while they swan around France
with my friends.
Well, thank you for this
new career opportunity, Clive.
I know Where you live.
Ah!
Fancy meeting you here!
What a coincidence!
Clive Phillips fired me.
From now on you'll meet me on
every street corner in Oxford.
Oh, well, join us, matey!
Come in on our picnic.
Today is my 40th birthday!
We're goin' up de river!
[ Laughs ]
He says it's the first day
of the rest of his life!
Oh, we got to have
a little fun somehow, boy!
We got to take our chances
while we may!
Who knows'? Two hours from now,
I could be dead!
[ Laughter]
-[ PODS ]
-Ho ho!
Whoa! Oh!
Ohh.
The view from here
is delightful.
It takes quite a bit
of expertise, you know,
this, uh, poking your stick
at the bottom.
[ Laughs ]
KAREN: We haven't got
any champagne left.
DENNIS: Whoop!
[ Laughs ]
I can't seem to find it.
Dennis, do you think
this is an awfully good idea?
[Laughs] It's fine!
It'll be fine.
Oh, I've done this before,
you know.
EDWARD: Dennis, that's --
that's actually the river.
-It's the Thames.
- Oh, what can go Wrong?
Don't you worry.
You're in --
You're in safe hands.
Well, the currents can be quite
strong around here, Dennis.
Oh, don't you worry about me.
I shall be fine.
Dennis, uh, do let me have a go.
Dennis, I don't think this is
a very good idea. It's a river.
I may not have been to Oxford,
old boy,
but I do know
a thing or two about --
-om
- KAREN: Aah!
Denny!
Aah!
- Aah! Denny!
- Ohh!
Aah! Denny!
Grab the paddle.
Can he swim'?
Latch onto this!
Help! Help! Help!
Denny!
[Thud]
Aah!
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Denny!
Aah! [Sobbing]
Denny!
We're going away from him!
Perhaps that's 'cause you're
paddling in the wrong direction!
Did you say he could swim
or not'?
Has he ever had lessons'?
Denny! Denny!
[ Sobbing ]
MAN: Dennis Parsons
was no ordinary accountant.
The boating accident
that claimed his life
deprived us of a man
who was a lot more
than a number cruncher
who knew a lot about wine.
He was a man Whose dedication
to his chosen profession
led him to an appreciation
of the finer things in life.
But gourmet cuisine
and interior design
were not the whole
of Dennis Parsons.
He cared.
I've gathered from all of you
that he really did care
about other people.
You know Alison's a widow too'?
EDWARD: Maybe that's why
they look so good together.
THOMAS: Yeah, Women do look good
in black.
Especially Karen, I think.
Poor Dennis.
I keep asking myself
if there was something more
I could have done.
Oh, you've done
more than enough.
How happy could I be
with either
F Were Tether
dear charmer away
But Whilst
they still tease me together
To neither a word will I say
F Ba-dum ba-dee da-da-dum F
[ Sobbing ]
I...
I can't see you.
I mustn't see you.
I just mustn't.
I did love him.
We killed him.
We killed Denny.
It was an accident, Karen.
You didn't mean to paddle
in the wrong direction.
I didn't mean to hit him
on the head with the pole.
[Sighs]
If I had, I'd have hit him
a damned sight harder.
Somehow or other --
Goo' knows how --
I managed to salvage
a weekend with her in Wales.
But I had to take my bike
on the train.
Karen had insisted
on separate travel.
And separate rooms.
Are you the plumber?
No, I'm a guest, actually.
Stable that, would you?
I always wanted children,
you see'?
Denny didn't.
I mean, he...
He -- He couldn't.
You mean, he was...
Well, he -- he wasn't...
I mean, he wasn't very...
But he wasn't completely.
It was his sperm.
It often is the sperm.
I've always loved children.
Really?
Oh, love them to bits.
Their little faces and so on.
Can't we at least be friends'?
Can't we try and salvage
something out of all this mess'?
No.
Another bottle
of Meursault, please.
It was Dennis's favorite.
The next morning, I suggested
a walk to a nearby reservoir.
It was there
that I made my big pitch.
I timed it
very, very carefully.
I really thought
I was in danger
of kissing goodbye
to nearly a million pounds,
which was what this
barely literate gym teacher
was now worth.
Karen, you know what
you were saying last night
about children?
Sometimes I wish
I'd just had your baby.
I could have pretended
it was Denny's.
Darling, that's what
I was gonna say!
Karen, babies are
sacred things to me.
I was always secretly hoping
you might get pregnant by me.
That's why I hardly ever
used protection.
I wanted your baby, Karen.
Do you mean that?
Of course I mean that.
Couldn't you tell'?
And it's not too late now.
I know we've been thoughtless
and irresponsible
and all of those things.
But now we've got the chance
to make up for it.
Let's have a baby.
For you and me.
And, you know, for Dennis.
I always thought I was just sex
as far as you were concerned.
"Just sex."
How can you say that'?
The sex was the best
I've ever had,
but you were always a lot more
than just sex.
What we had was love, Karen.
And children
are what makes love real.
They're what survive
after We're gone.
You're so right.
It's like Denny said
that day on the boat.
I could be dead
sooner than I think.
You could.
It's a strong possibility.
KAREN: I'm a very simple person,
really.
I love animals.
I love the outdoors.
I love my mum.
I love babies.
And I love teaching gymnastics.
I love it!
I'd like one day to devise
a course of simple stretches
and market it commercially.
And you?
You never talk about you.
Oh, well, as Denny used to say,
I'm an eternal student.
I was brought up to believe in
something called culture.
[ Chuckles ]
You don't want to hear
my boring views, do you?
You want to know about me,
about my family,
about my personal details.
You want to check out the father
of your child, don't you?
I told her rather more
about myself
than I usually do to women.
But I didn't mention
my vasectomy.
You have both now made
the declarations required by law
and made the solemn promises
to each other
in the presence
of your Witnesses.
We all hope that the feelings
of love and commitment
that you have expressed today
will deepen and grow
throughout the coming years.
It is therefore
my duty and pleasure
to pronounce you
husband and wife together.
Would you like to seal
the marriage with a kiss'?
[Whispering ] Now you can
make love to me properly.
I think we ought to wait
till we get home.
Love me lots'?
Lots and lots and lots and lots!
Oh!
This is
an absolutely hideous sofa.
Oh, darling,
it was Denny's favorite.
He chose it.
Then we must never change it.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Nothing.
I'll go upstairs and get ready.
We're married now, darling.
We don't have to be, you know,
furtive about it.
Oh. Actually, kind of
quite like being furtive.
[ Laughs ]
Silly baby.
Beddy-byes.
Karen wasn't
just after impregnation.
She wanted quality impregnation
and approached it
with the fewer
of someone taking Communion.
"Don't pull back --
Give my child a chance"
was her slogan.
It quite put me off my stroke.
- KAREN: [Giggling ] Oh!
-[ Door slams]
- Are you all right, darling?
- I'm fine, darling.
- Are you all right, darling?
- I'm fine, darling.
It's just you I'm Worried about.
I'm fine.
Are you all right, though?
Maybe it's because
you're unemployed.
It can affect your...
Virility.
Our social life wasn't
exactly scintillating either.
Our first outing as a couple
was to a drinks party
at the American
Thomas Carter's place.
Hello, my darling girl.
How's married life'?
You got a job yet, genius?
Or are you
just living off your wife?
As geniuses tend to do,
so I'm told.
I'm looking into a few projects.
A couple in your area, in fact.
And if you're interested, Clive,
we both have separate bank
accounts, don't we, darling'?
Yeah'? Wonder how much
is in yours, then'?
[ Horn honks ]
EDWARD:
How did Dennis stand him'?
Denny had real respect
for anyone with money.
He would have been
at home here, then.
[indistinct talking, laughter]
It's all Well here'?
Just recouping some of
your exorbitant fees, old man.
[ Laughter]
Okay.
Come on.
I have to be nice
to these people.
They pay the rent.
[ Chuckles ]
-[ Laughter]
- Yeah, sure.
How come you're so in
with Thomas Carter
and the management set'?
Thomas and I
make music together.
Pbht! Sorry'?
Byrd.
You know Byrd'?
Thomas plays the recorder.
Blimey.
I don't expect
he's heard of Byrd.
I imagine the old Brahms
and Liszt are more his style.
And who's
your favorite composer?
- Faur.
Really'?
I'm particularly fond
of the slow movement
of his second piano sonata.
Me too.
[Both chuckling]
Faur didn't write
any piano sonatas.
Oh, so sorry.
Am I intruding'?
Not at all.
I was just going.
OW home to your Age, are you?
ls Camilla Parker Bowles
dropping 'round'?
Come on, Rebecca.
Why is it people like you
seem to avoid us
now we're married, hmm'?
Aren't we good enough for you?
ls that it'?
Denny's business head
was good enough for her old man
when Denny was alive, wasn't it'?
I mean, what the fuck
do you think I am playing at'?
Is this my toy boy or what?
What the sodding hell
do people like you
think about people like me,
anyway, eh'?
EDWARD: Come on, darling.
Let's go home.
Have you come yet'?
Almost there, darling.
Are you all right'?
Oh, don't worry about me.
Oh, yes.
[Meaning]
Yes! Oh!
Not much has been written about
the simulated male orgasm.
But I faked about three a clay.
[Breathing heavily]
How was that for you?
It was Wonderful.
Oh, good.
What do you think about
when we make love'?
I think about the way you move.
I think about
the things you say.
I think about you, darling.
I sometimes worry you might be,
you know,
thinking about...
...you know...
About what?
About Alison Kraemer.
Darling, that's a horrible thing
to say.
It was also --
unusually for Karen --
bang on the money.
So, what are your plans
for today?
I'm trying to find a place
for the new language school
and sorting out the bank loan.
In fact, I was just wondering
if you could transfer a couple
of thou into my account
while I'm Waiting
for the business loan.
You'll get it back, honey.
Of course.
Sorry.
- See you later.
- Bye.
Mind how you go
on the parallel bars.
"What are your plans
for today, darling?"
"Living off
your immoral earnings, dear."
God in heaven.
[Tires screech ]
[Tires screech, thud]
- Oh, it's you.
- I'm afraid so.
The man who tried to bluff
on Faur's piano sonatas.
I am sorry.
I must have seemed
terribly rude.
Not at all.
Disapproval can be
terribly bracing.
Shall we inspect the damage'?
Let's forget about it.
But you have to promise
to meet for tea one afternoon.
Darling, will you speak
to Galen.
He's terribly upset
about Squishy and Trouncy
because they can't come skiing.
Okay'?
I'm not gonna murder her.
Honestly.
I just can't bear you
to think ill of me, that's all.
I want to explain what really
happened between Karen and I.
And I know you disapprove.
You all disapprove.
But your disapproval matters,
and I have to explain.
Tea at Greens?
Next Thursday?
You won't come to any harm.
Karen'?
All okay, darling?
Fine.
I saw Thomas Carter today.
Really?
You see a lot of him.
Well, he was Denny's partner.
He helps administer the estate.
Does he'?
Is that all he does'?
I don't know
what you're on about.
Said he saw you
with, uh, Alison Kraemer.
Yes.
S-She ran into me.
Darling, why should you imagine
I'm interested
in Alison Kraemer'?
She's the sort of Englishwoman
that has a sign that lights up
on her forehead
if you're foolish enough
to touch them.
It says,
"Now please wash your hands."
And what does my sign say'?
"Use twice daily and discard"?!
I can't go on with this!
You're so cold!
[ Footsteps ascending ]
She's not the sort of Woman
to have an affair
with a married man.
She's got a nephew called Galen,
for Christ's sake.
[ Door slams ]
[Sighs]
Although she might be prepared
to look seriously
at a very rich widower.
What do you think?
Thank you.
I know what everyone thinks
about me.
Even your daughter thinks it.
- Oh, take no notice.
- I know you don't like Karen.
Is she having an affair
with your musical friend'?
With whom?
With Thomas Carter'?
- Mm.
-[ Laughs]
She's a very ruthless
and calculating woman.
A few days after, um,
Dennis died,
she asked me over there
to help move some of his stuff.
How could I refuse'?
I felt responsible
for the damned accident.
When I got over there,
she answered the door to me
stark naked.
Well, the funny thing is,
that sort of Woman
is not at all my type.
I don't know.
I felt sorry for her.
I felt guilty.
I can quite see
how you could allow yourself
to be seduced by her.
But why marry the woman?
She told me she was pregnant
from that one encounter.
Oh, my God.
But the thing is,
it was a complete lie.
I only discovered after
she'd dragged me off
to the registry office
that she'd had a hysterectomy.
I was trapped.
Can't tell you what it feels
like to have someone to talk to.
To confide in.
I've been so alone.
- Guess what.
- What?
I'm pregnant!
Aah!
[ Laughs ]
That's terrific.
Who's the lucky father?
Sorry'?
Joke, darling.
[ Both laugh ]
In fact, the discovery
that Karen was pregnant
removed all interest I might
have otherwise had in her death.
All I needed
was the name of the father,
and I was looking at a very
decent divorce settlement.
Dennis's partner --
the American, Thomas Carter --
was the man I suspected.
To what do we owe this honor'?
I wanted to ask you about
that American, Thomas Carter.
Well, I'm a little busy.
Having to get rid of
Senor Garcia here.
What did he do,
ask for his money back?
Well, apparently, back in South
America he was a bit of a swine.
He used to be
a secret policeman.
- What did he do?
- Tortured innocent people.
I'm surprised you didn't offer
him a job on your staff, Clive.
Well, the local paper
got hold of it.
Bad for business.
Can't help you, I'm afraid.
Don't gossip about my friends.
It is absolutely true that the
next day I contacted Garcia.
And I do not dispute
that he is one of
the most disgusting individuals
with whom I have ever
had to do business.
But I did not -- repeat, not --
hire him to kill Karen.
Hypocrites.
All you British are hypocrites.
I'm sure.
You talk about freedom this
and freedom that.
But you have no idea what it is
to live in a country
where there are people
who want to take it from you.
- These people being?
Communist people.
Are there many of them
in your country?
Not now.
Or if they is,
they Walk a little funny.
Yes.
After you...
Torture them.
What your army do
in North Ireland?
Stand up Provo with bag on head.
What your army do
in bloody Serbia?
Bomb Christians.
Psht! Hypocrites.
Yes, let's not discuss politics.
I want to see you
on a personal matter.
Woman?
You is a dirty bastard.
"Are" a dirty bastard.
Look, you're broke.
They've stopped your grant.
Politics.
For my politics.
I imagine you just want to
get back to sunny Malagrena,
Where the men are men
and the Communists are...
Emasculated.
You have a surprisingly large
vocabulary, Garcia.
I think I can take
some credit for that.
All I want you to do
is help me find someone
who has insulted my honor.
And kill him'?
No.
This man is making love
to my wife,
and I want to find out
who he is.
How much'?
- Four.
For 375, I find him real quick.
How'?
Tap phones.
In Malagrena
we do it all the time.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
-Is that all right'?
- Okay.
- So...
-[ Tape rewinding ]
You think it's a friend
who cheats on you
with your wife, eh'?
Mm. I have a good idea.
He's an American.
American? Pfft!
"Don't be nasty to people,
or we drop bombs on you.
If you're from South America,
maybe we drop bombs
on you anyway.
For practice."
Pfft!
I'm sure.
Garcia, can you
get a move on, please?
My wife's gonna be back
any second.
Maybe we frighten her a little.
Maybe.
What do you use
to frighten people, Garcia?
Electricity is good.
Dentistry.
There are plenty ways.
Plenty of ways.
She's here.
Uh-Oh.
She's coming back.
Pretend you're an electrician.
A fuse blew.
Okay?
And don't say any more
than is absolutely necessary.
[Clears throat]
[Sighs]
Hello, darling.
Oh. Hi.
I thought you were looking over
that school.
I was.
It's great.
I got the loan.
It's all going ahead.
[Laughing ] Well,
that's marvelous.
It is.
And We're gonna start a family.
We are.
I'm so excited.
-[ Door opening]
-[ Gasps ]
Ah.
There was a fuse blew.
This gentleman's been marvelous.
Electricity is no problem
for me, lady.
Good.
My only problem -- women.
Everything okay here'?
Yes, it's -- it's fine.
Here we go, then.
Half now and the other half
when we know
it's all worked out okay.
- Sure thing.
- Thank you.
You have
a very beautiful wife, senor.
Thank you again.
Nice teeth.
Ugh!
What a creepy guy.
He seems to know his business.
You jumped like a rabbit
when you saw him.
What did you think he was'?
A hit man'?
[ Both laugh ]
Karen never did like
anything exotic.
What she did like,
as I was to discover,
was about as depressing
as the view from this window.
Karen'?
I'm home.
Are you there, sweetheart?
Darling?
Darling?
[Tape rewinding ]
KAREN: Hi, I wanted to book
a double room
for next Saturday night.
I've stayed at the hotel before.
It's Karen Parsons.
MAN: Ah, yes, I remember you,
Mrs. Parsons, yes.
You had a friend with you
in the room along the corridor.
Chap on a bicycle.
KAREN:
He won't be coming.
It'll just be myself
and my husband.
-[ Click, tape fast-forwarding ]
- I wonder who that'll be.
CLIVE:
Clive Phillips Language School.
KAREN:
I've booked it for Saturday.
I'll tell him
I'm going to my mother's.
CLIVE: Yeah, I think there's
a train to Banbury around 9:00.
I'll meet you up there
with the Merc.
I really want you.
You know that don't you?
I really need you.
[ Door opens ]
KAREN: Hello, darling.
I'm home.
Where are you?
Just coming, sweetheart.
So, what are our plans
for Saturday?
Oh, I have to go to my mum's.
Her arthritis
is playing her up again.
Darling, that's so sweet of you.
Well...
I'll give you a lift
to the station.
Oh, no.
You don't have to.
I insist.
This is one of
Dennis's rather good stock
of Amarone di Valpolicella.
Can I tempt you?
Yeah, lovely.
Thank you.
I may have to pop out later,
see a student.
Chap from South America.
Might be able to help
with the new language school.
I need your help, Garcia.
That's the fact of the matter.
You got the bastard?
Mm. The same bastard who let
you go from the language school.
- Mr. Phillips?
- Uh-huh.
I don't like that guy.
There's a strong possibility
he's a Communist as Well.
I wouldn't put it past him.
You want me to kill him'?
I'll kill him for you.
I just want you
to scare the bastard.
Electricity'?
- Whatever.
To here'?
Well, they have been working
rather hard lately.
A bit of convulsive therapy
might do them some good.
Convulsive therapy -- 400.
375 to find him.
Total -- 775.
I'll put her on the 9:15
from Oxford this Saturday.
She'll think
she's getting off at Banbury.
What she will not know
is that she's on a train
that doesn't stop at Banbury.
In fact, to use a phrase
you will remember
from our work on idioms,
I'm sending her to Coventry.
We don't speak to her, right'?
In this case it is
to be interpreted literally.
Clive then gets to meet me
at Banbury instead of my wife.
Then you pop up,
we take him somewhere,
and, um, bzzt!
Have you got all the equipment?
I get it Homebase.
No problem.
[Clock chiming]
[Sighs]
I'm gonna have a shower.
Nice idea.
Keep yourself fresh for Mum.
I don't know why you're so keen
on running me to the station
in the morning.
Darling, it's no trouble.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Door closes]
Alison.
Hi, it's me.
- ALISON: How are you?
- Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Look, I wondered if we could
possibly meet
for lunch tomorrow.
- Say 1:15 at Greens?
- That'd be lovely.
- You could?
- Yes.
Oh, that's so marvelous.
I've got something
rather important to tell you.
- Have you?
'Okay'? So, bye.
Who was that?
Oh, n-no one.
Just someone from work.
What work?
960 005.
Oh, I wonder who that can be.
Why don't you dial it and see'?
It's Alison Kraemer's number.
ALISON: Hello?
- Do you have much to say to her'?
- ALISON: Hello?
Obviously not.
You don't have a lot in common,
do you?
Shall we go out to dinner,
darling?
[ Door closes]
[Mid-tempo Indian music
playing ]
Why do you deny it'?
Deny what?
You're having
an affair with her.
I'm doing no such thing.
Your sort of person, isn't she'?
Top drawer, isn't she'?
Listen, my father
was a clerk in a bank.
I went to the local comp.
I'm one step away
from the gutter,
and don't you forget it.
You might drive around in that
car all day, but it was Denny's.
And now it's mine.
And you don't get your hands
on it unless I die.
Maybe that's what you want.
Maybe you want to see me dead.
You won't kill me.
Because people would
ask questions, wouldn't they?
After what happened
to poor Denny, wouldn't they?
And if we separate,
I'll make sure you get nothing.
You brought nothing
to this marriage
but the clothes you stood up in,
and that's what
you'll Walk away with.
Why are you so keen
to hang on to me'?
Is it something to do with
having a father for your child?
What's that supposed to mean'?
Let's go home.
What is that supposed to mean'?!
Never mind
about wanting to kill Karen --
It was important I didn't even
lay a finger on her.
I had to remain calm.
AH I wanted was to walk away
from our marriage
with a share of the proceeds.
A piece of the family home.
Like any other
self-respecting sex object.
She'll never accept you anyway.
Who Won't'?
Your friend Alison Kraemer.
God, I do wish you'd stop this.
You just can't bear
being caught out, can you?
You always have to look good,
don't you?
You always have to be
the coolest person in the room,
don't you?
Well, there isn't a lot of
competition for the role
in the circles in which we move.
There's not a whole lot of
competition for the role
in the circles
in which we move.
I don't know why you're being
so bloody self-righteous
after what
you've been getting up to
with that horrid little creep.
- What do you mean by that?
- You know exactly what I mean.
- I do not.
- Clive Phillips.
What?
Don't pretend you don't know
what I'm talking about.
Clive Phillips.
My ex-boss.
One of the horrible little
mercenary thugs
who seem to have taken over
this country while I was abroad.
How did you know'?
He told me.
He always enjoyed
making my life a misery.
He usually succeeds.
It was only once or twice.
Well, you've been so cold
and distant.
I felt you didn't love me.
- I just...
- You just what?
-It was just sex!
- Oh!
Oh, and you're the World's great
expert on that, aren't you?
Oh, please don't be cruel.
I only...
I had a thing with him before
when Denny --
If this is all as casual as
you're trying to make it sound,
why on earth were you going
to Wales with him'?
Well, I was gonna tell him
it was over.
I wanted to be careful about it.
Clive can't accept the fact
that I don't love him.
Well, I didn't know
what he was gonna do
when I told him
I was carrying your child.
You're not.
You horrible bastard!
Karen, the only bastard 'round
here is the one in your womb.
You Pig!
Aren't you gonna hit back?!
- No.
- Why?!
I don't want to rub up
the divorce court judge
the wrong way.
I imagine he'll be on my side
after the paternity test.
What?
Do you know
what a vasectomy is, Karen'?
A snip job.
I've had one.
That baby is Clive's.
Is he good with children?
[ Crying 1
I'll run you to your train
in the morning.
Some of these hotels
can hold you to your booking
if you've done it
with a credit card.
We don't want to waste money,
do we'?
Not with a kiddie on the way.
Karen'?
Oh, God.
What was it'?
Too much Beaujolais-Villages,
Or did that sofa
finally get the better of you?
Mm'?
Come on, Karen.
Stop messing around.
We have to be adult about this.
Karen.
Will you wake up'?
Oh, Christ.
Oh, you can't be dead.
Oh, don't be dead.
Oh.
Oh, this is very inconvenient.
[Tone beeping]
Oh, shit!
[ Beep ]
Hi.
Clive Phillips here.
I'm out making lots of money
and having lots of sex.
If any of you
less-fortunate people
want to leave a message,
do so after the tone --
if you think it'll do you
any good.
[ Beep ]
KAREN: [Crying ] Clive, why did
you tell him about us'?
You don't know
what he's like, Clive.
W-When he's angry,
he goes all cold.
I'm frightened of him, Clive.
I'm all alone here
in the house with him,
and I'm frightened
of what he might do.
- Aah!
"[ Thud ]
Aah!
And that, m'lud, concludes
the case for the prosecution.
Can I help you?
Chief Inspector Moss
from Oxford Police Station, sir.
You ever come to my country
my friend, and I find you,
I kill you.
Is everything all right'?
It's -- It's fine.
It's fine.
- Wow. You look fantastic.
- Thanks.
It was something about the
police making mistakes again.
So after you saw your wife off
on the train,
how did you spend
the rest of the day'?
You're obviously
frightfully good at lying.
You can tell by the way
your eyes always slide about.
You're priceless, Rebecca.
Priceless.
EDWARD: Two years ago,
a penniless
language-school teacher,
I was invited to dinner
by Dennis and Karen Parsons.
But as I said earlier,
"What the hell,
I'm an accountant."
You say to me,
"What's two and two?"
And I say,
"What would you like it to be?"
[ Laughs ]
Karen.
[ Door locks ]
Karen'?
CLIVE:
You're late.
Not a thing to be
when your contract's
nearly up for renewal.
So, uh, Garcia.
I think he wants to shag her.
But she want dollar to shag him.
If I died tomorrow,
Karen would be worth
three-quarters
of a million pounds.
- Om
- KAREN: Aah!
Denny!
"[ Thud ]
- Oh!
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
KAREN: Denny!
[ Sobbing ]
It is therefore
my duty and pleasure
to pronounce you
husband and wife together.
I want to explain what really
happened between Karen and I.
And I know you disapprove.
Darling, why should you imagine
I'm interested
in Alison Kraemer'?
I can't go on with this!
You're so cold!
I've been so alone.
- Guess what.
- What?
I'm pregnant!
But I didn't mention
my vasectomy.
- What?
- That baby is Clive's.
And I'm a total yob, really.
As I was saying, I'm in
a spot of bother with the law,
who seem to think I murdered
my wife and her first husband.
I think I'd got to the point
Where she brained herself
on our rather tasteless sofa.
Will you wake up'?
Oh, Christ.
Oh, you can't be dead.
[Tone beeping]
Oh, shit!
KAREN:
[Crying ] Clive...
I'm all alone here
in the house with him,
and I'm frightened of him,
Clive.
- Aah!
"[ Thud ]
Aah!
And then suddenly
I had the most fantastic idea.
It was only at this point
that I began to break the law.
F And on her head
she wore a bag
And she looked
a dandy fair lady
And 'round her middle
she wore another
[Humming tune]
Up with your little leggies.
There we go.
There's a good girl.
[Doorbell rings]
[ Door locks ]
Hi. Do you mind
if I pay you tomorrow?
I'm doing a spot of gardening.
ls that all right'?
Right.
- Thanks very much. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Humming tune]
My plan depended upon
the rather steamy nature
of relationship
between my ex-employer,
Clive Phillips,
and my late wife, Karen.
There is nothing, of course,
the British police enjoy more
than a good, juicy murder.
Karen and Clive
had been planning
a weekend away in Wales.
I stopped first
at Oxford railway station
to buy her a ticket to Banbury,
where they'd arranged
to meet up.
Then I drove
to the outskirts of town
to collect my accomplice.
- Hop in, Garcia.
- What do you think?
You like my gear?
Yes.
There's been a change of plan.
You told your wife?
She got 'round you?
She's, um, put herself
out of the picture.
Oh.
I put the gear in the boot.
The back seat'll be ne.
We won't need the generator now.
You do something worse
to him, maybe.
Wait and see.
I bring something from home.
I knitted it myself.
It Weigh a lot.
"Weighs."
Third person.
Where we go now'?
Get down, for Christ's sake.
Hey, get down, baby!
Get down!
Why are you so nervous?
What are you planning to do
to this guy'?
I'm paying you to knock him
on the head when I tell you,
then do what you're told.
Nothing more, nothing less.
There's Clive's
nasty little car.
And there's Clive
Waiting for my wife.
He's wondering Where she is.
GARCIA:
You go get him now'?
How hard
do you want me to hit him'?
I want him alive, Garcia.
That's very important, okay'?
Alive.
For the moment, anyway.
[ Beeps ]
Hello, Clive.
[Sighs]
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
- She's not coming.
-ls that right'?
Maybe she left you a message.
Did you check your messages?
No.
I think you and I had better
have a little talk, don't you?
So, you know
what's been going on.
Indeed.
You've been stuffing my wife.
I suppose that's how
you would see it.
How do you see it, Clive'?
I'm in love with her.
But you wouldn't
understand that, would you?
Oh, Clive, why do nasty people
have such nice minds?
I'm in love with her.
- This is real.
- Like Hitler and dogs'?
Well, Clive,
now you're gonna be a daddy.
You what?
She's going to have your baby.
She is?
That is so Wonderful.
I thought I was just a...
I think you Were.
Just a very little bit
on the side.
Look, let's, uh --
Let's try and be civilized
about this, shall we'?
We misunderstood each other.
- I was maybe a bit hard on you.
- Do you think so'?
This must be
very painful for you,
knowing that she cares for me.
You don't get it, do you?
Well, I...
I just feel so moved
to think she wants my baby.
Why do people like you think
you have a right to feelings?
You spend half your time
trying to screw people over
and the other half
getting sentimental about it.
Look, let me say this again.
I feel genuine concern
for your situation.
You really think you do,
don't you?
How did you find out'?
I overheard her
talking to you on the telephone.
Oh, my God.
How did that feel'?
That felt like...
-...this!
-[ Groans]
As good as gold.
I Wear these?
We don't want any of this mud
getting on this oar.
It might be traced.
Hey.
It's on his car.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
At least I hoped I did.
I needed incriminating mud
from the demolition site
on Clive's car but not on mine.
Next I had to distract Garcia
while I moved Karen's body.
Okay. Right.
Garcia, I want you
to take this wheel
and throw it the other side
of that small Wall there
Where the plants are.
- Why?
- Questions, questions.
Just do it.
Please.
In death, Karen had achieved
the kind of style
that had always eluded her
in life.
GARCIA:
What you doing'?
Nothing.
Go on.
Go on!
He's disappeared.
Hey.
[Coughing]
There's no one here
to help you, Clive.
There's no one here but me,
and I'm not gonna help you.
Do you know what
I'm gonna do, Clive?
I've got a great big pair
of garden shears here.
I'm gonna use them on you.
You've been getting
a bit rampant lately,
a bit rank and luxurious.
I'm gonna have to out you back!
[Thud]
Right.
You take this car
and follow me in the Mere.
Let me tell you one thing,
my friend.
You lie to me,
you stitch me up,
and wherever you try and hide,
I will find you.
- Okay?
- Okay.
[Sheep bleating]
Hey.
What we do here'?
Picnic?
I proposed to my wife here.
Have a HobNob.
What you going to do
with your wife?
I may have to let her go.
[Squeaking rattling]
CLIVE:
[Weakly] Someone help me.
Very noisy, these Japanese cars,
don't you find'?
[Grunts]
There's nobody here but me
and a few neurotic sheep, Clive.
So I really wouldn't bother.
- You wait here.
- Where you going'?
Gonna take
a sentimental journey.
Just admiring the view.
This is my wife.
She's a little bit dead,
but she was particularly fond
of this spot.
Weren't you, darling?
Come on.
[Grunts]
It must have been
the emotion of the moment,
but I nearly forgot
the crucial evidence
of her single ticket
to Banbury
for her rendezvous with Clive.
[ Scraping 1
The cops
are gonna love this one.
[Tires screeching]
Oh, shit!
I hadn't actually intended
to get the car stuck.
[Engine revs]
But it fitted in
with my plans perfectly.
What are you doing, my friend'?
Where have you been'?
Shall we get back
to Mr. Phillips?
You crash his car deliberately?
Good punishment for Clive,
really, isn't it'?
"You touoha my wife,
I smasha you oar."
Hey.
What we do with him'?
I'll show you. We're gonna
leave him by the reservoir.
- We don't push him in'?
- No need.
Oh, poo.
Clive, you should have gone
before we left.
CLIVE:
What are you doing'?
You're gonna need
a nice long Jacuzzi after this.
Do you have a Jacuzzi, Clive?
I bet you do.
I bet you're just the sort
of person to have a Jacuzzi.
You're not gonna
get away with this.
Actually, I rather think I am.
Karen and I --
I wouldn't think about Karen
if I were you, Clive.
I really would try
not to think about her at all.
So we don't use my gear.
Shame, huh'?
-lndeed.
Feel free to count it.
We bring him to Wales
and leave him by the reservoir.
What is the big deal?
There's, um, a scheme in England
called the
Duke of Edinburgh Award.
It's supposed to build up
moral fiber.
The body...
It is your wife, yes'?
What body'?
The body you take from your car
and put in Mr. Phillips' car.
It is your wife, yes'?
Well, my friend,
I'm going to have to ask you
to keep very quiet about this.
You see, her body's
now in that reservoir.
I keep quiet.
For money.
Oh, I wouldn't mention this
to anyone if I were you.
I mean,
what with your past and all.
They might construe
your activities today
as being an accessory to murder.
Capiche'?
And it's my word against yours,
isn't it'?
Whether you like it or not,
We're in this together.
If I were you, I'd take
the first plane back home.
Climate's lovely at this
time of year, as I recall.
You ever come to my country,
my friend, and I find you,
I kill you.
Okay.
Next, we headed back to Oxford,
where I dropped Senor Garcia
at his grubby bed-sit.
Then on to Clive Phillips'
bachelor pad
to retrieve the crucial tape
on which Karen had left
her incriminating
answerphone message.
It went without a hitch.
I was halfway through removing
all traces of possible evidence
when I suddenly remembered --
Yesterday, when I was dumping
Karen's body in the reservoir,
I was supposed to be at lunch
with Alison Kraemer.
My whereabouts
were a critical issue.
REBECCA: Kraemer residence.
Who's speaking please?
[American accent]
Oh, hi, Rebecca.
It's Thomas Carter here.
Um, I'm calling
about the madrigal group.
You sound funny, Tom.
Uh, yeah, I have a cold.
ls your mom there'?
She went to Dorset yesterday.
Grandfather was taken poorly.
Oh, it's not urgent.
Don't even mention I called.
Got to go.
Please, God,
let this be Alison Kraemer
telling me she couldn't make it
for lunch yesterday.
[ Beeps ]
Hi, it's me -- Alison.
I'm afraid I can't have lunch
with you today,
so I hope you get this message.
[ Laughs ]
F Da-da bum-bum F
Boo-doo-doo boo-boo
F Ba-da bum ba-da ba-da F
Bum bum F
[Clears throat]
WOMAN: Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Argyle.
It's me.
Is Karen there'?
- No, she's not here.
- Oh.
Well, I don't understand.
She told me she was coming
up to Liverpool to see you.
- She isn't, no.
- How odd.
How's the hip'?
Bugger off,
you two-faced little shit!
-[ Click]
- Bitch.
Now, have I forgotten anything?
Oh.
Dennis's wine magazines that
Karen had presumably slipped on
were still where they lay.
Also I noticed some unfortunate
traces of blood remaining
where her head had hit
the hideous sofa.
Oh!
Dirty girl.
[ Inhales sharply]
MAN:
College Road police station.
Oh, good morning, officer.
I'm sorry to bother you,
and I'm sure
there's a perfectly obvious
and innocent explanation
for all this,
but I was just starting
to get worried because, well,
the fact of the matter is,
[Voice breaking] my wife
seems to have disappeared.
I was telling you
about Clive Phillips.
My plan for revenging myself
on him
was classical in its simplicity.
[Doorbell rings]
Can I help you?
Chief Inspector Moss
from Oxford police station, sir.
Could we talk inside'?
Is it about my wife?
I'm afraid it is, sir.
What's happened'?
ls she all right'?
Perhaps we should go inside.
Where is she'?
She didn't come home last night.
Powys police have recovered
a body
which they believe to be
that of your wife, sir.
We would like you
to accompany us to Wales
with a view
to identifying the body.
Dead?
How'?
The body was recovered from
a reservoir, we understand, sir.
But that's ridiculous.
Karen's an excellent swimmer.
She teaches it, for God's sake.
She's got certificates, cups.
Plod number one
looked suitably embarrassed.
Plod number two was clearly
longing to make some crack
about it being hard to swim
with a concrete post
tied to your back.
I gave them a lot more shock,
disbelief, and horror.
I'll get some things together.
I just don't believe
what you're telling me.
It's funny, really.
I don't feel anything.
Just sort of numb.
That's actually
quite common, sir.
I'm sorry, sir, but we have to
go through these formalities.
Poor Karen.
For the past two clays,
she'd been out of one
plastic bag and into another
like a bit of leftover food
at the bottom of the fridge.
That's her.
That's my wife.
I'm afraid we need you to talk
to the local police, sir.
-It's their case, really.
- I see.
But we'll sit in
if that's okay with you, sir.
I just want to find out
how this happened.
Now, we need your side of
the story, just for the record.
Um, Karen had told me
she was going to see
her mother in Liverpool.
I stayed at home.
Her mother and I
don't get on too Well.
Join the club, sir.
It all seems so petty now.
L, uh, drove her to the station.
Put her on the train'?
No, I didn't actually.
I offered to,
but she wouldn't let me.
- Why do you ask'?
- No reason, really.
Just to show
he's not asleep, sir.
Like us rural Welsh coppers
don't know our ass
from a hole in the ground.
I telephoned her mother
the next day,
and she told me that Karen
hadn't even intended
going up there.
That was when
I started to get Worried,
and I called the Oxford police.
- Why did you ring her'?
-[ Laughs ]
Listen to him, sir.
Trying to catch you out.
I'd noticed an announcement
in the local newspaper
about a concert
that I wanted to go to.
I didn't want her to get back
before I got home.
She was always forgetting
her keys.
Right.
Right, you took her to the
station Saturday morning, 9:15,
then you rang her mother
later the next day.
And in between, sir'?
How do you mean'?
See anybody'?
Do anything'?
No.
Um, I was at home.
I went for a Walk
late in the afternoon.
- No one came to the house?
- No.
And you didn't speak to anyone
on the phone?
No. I'm sorry -- What does all
this have to do with my wife?
We have to ask, sir.
Because of
the alleged kidnapping.
You think Karen was kidnapped?
No.
No, not exactly, sir, no.
We have a gentleman here
I think you might know.
I think we better show him
the tape.
Are you sure about that?
Under the circumstances,
absolutely positive.
You bastard!
You bastard!
You killed her, didn't you?!
You bastard!
- Calm down!
-Get him down!
You murdered her in cold blood,
you bastard!
I'm coming for you!
I mean it!
I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!
Terribly sorry about that, sir.
You know that man'?
Oh, I know him, all right.
Out, lad.
Sit down, sir.
Let's have a look at this.
So Clive Phillips is, um...
Karen's first husband
was his accountant.
Indeed. He's no longer with us,
I believe.
He died in a boating accident.
I recall the incident.
I'm a great reader
of the local press.
That, The Times crossword,
and Donizetti
are what get me
through the night.
I'm a Faur man, myself.
Really?
So this Clive Phillips?
EDWARD: We haven't seen that
much of him since our marriage.
MOSS:
Why was that?
I didn't particularly care
for his manner with my wife.
He had a way of treating her
as if...
as if she were still single.
Karen's husband -- her second
husband, you understand,
but I'm pretty sure he had
something to do
with the death
of his wife's first husband --
kidnapped me and beat me
and abused me
and just kicked me out
in the middle of nowhere.
I had no idea where I was
when I came into town.
They hadn't mentioned
your wife's death
at this stage, of course.
IFOR: And did he say
why he'd done it?
He was convinced I was having
an affair with his wife.
IFOR:
And were you?
We were very fond
of each other.
She will confirm that.
I just need to speak to her!
And there was another man
involved in this.
I think he might have been
some kind of Spaniard.
Look, this man
almost certainly murdered
his wife's first husband,
and I'm pretty sure
he's 'crying to kill me too.
It goes on like this.
Mr. Phillips is more than
somewhat disturbed.
He seems to be clinically
insane, if you ask me.
I just feel so grubby
about what Clive s-said.
I suppose it would have been
different if we'd had kids.
Kiddies are lovely, sir.
Karen always said
she didn't want them.
Perhaps she was just being kind.
She knew about my vasectomy.
[ Crying 1
EDWARD:
The beauty of the dead
is that you can say
what the hell you like
without the slightest fear
of contradiction.
If only we could have
had children.
There -- There might have been
something of her left.
[ Sobbing ]
I'll get some tea and biscuits,
shall I, sir'?
Very kind.
Where exactly
was her body found'?
Up Rhayader way, sir.
Rhayader'?
That's odd.
Why'?
Oh, it's just a coincidence,
but we stayed there once.
The Rhayader Valley Court.
Last September.
Just before...
before we got engaged.
[ Sobbing ]
Even this Welsh idiot
could be trusted to find out
that Karen and Clive
had been booked into
the same hotel that weekend
and the deposit
was on her credit card.
I'm so sorry.
They'd find out she was
pregnant in the postmortem.
And I'd already given them
my vasectomy.
So foolish of Clive
to lie about his affair.
It wasn't gonna look good.
I think
that'll probably be enough.
[ Door opens ]
It's a pity
no one saw you on Saturday.
[ Door closes]
[ Sobbing ]
Back home in Oxford,
I finally decided it was time
for a 'caste offensive
on Dennis's furniture.
Now I was its sole owner,
I felt I needed
to put my own mark
on number 9 Ramillies Drive.
Can you sign here, please?
Cheers.
Is this a social call'?
Be easier to talk inside, sir.
If you wouldn't mind.
No, not at all.
Please. Come in.
Our friends up in Wales
asked us to drop by
to let you know the position.
Which is'?
Apparently, Clive Phillips
has confessed
to the murder of your wife.
- Good God.
- Yes, I was surprised.
Still, he ought to know
Whether he's committed a murder
or not, oughtn't he'?
Yes.
Yes, I suppose so.
Once we found earth
from the demolition site
in Mr. Phillips's car, sir,
it was all over for him.
What demolition site'?
And he was foolish enough
to crash his car into a Wall
near the reservoir.
And it seems that forensic tests
have shown that your wife
was pregnant by Phillips.
Do you mean to tell me,
Inspector...
...that she
and Clive Phillips Were...
I'm afraid so, sir.
[ Sobbing ]
I could not believe my luck.
For a moment
I found myself wondering
whether Clive
had actually murdered Karen.
Then why did he kill her'?
In God's name, why'?
Apparently,
they'd gone away together.
To Rhayader.
Maybe she told him
that she was pregnant.
Maybe they quarreled.
It's all in the confession.
I suppose I should hate him.
I just feel tremendous pity
for both of them.
Indeed.
It was a remarkably detailed
confession.
If I was in any other country
but England,
I'd say they beat it out of him.
Well, I suppose it wasn't
England really, sir, was it'?
It was Wales.
Can I offer you gentlemen
a cup of tea'?
Oh, yes, please.
Carlos, it's me.
I'm at Malagrena Victory Airport
still trying
to get through to you
and still getting your machine.
You're probably out shagging.
Anyway, this is just to say that
I'll make my way to your place.
So there I was, not just
a widower -- a wronged widower.
I couldn't believe my luck.
You been in our country before.
Indeed.
Some years ago.
I loved it.
- You will find changes here.
-I embrace change.
As I always have.
Seems like yesterday
I was proposing to her
by that reservoir.
And then suddenly...
...there she is
lying at the bottom of it
with a concrete post
tied to her.
Yeah, it's too horrible.
Don't let's dwell on it.
Look, I know this is probably
the last thing
you want to think about
right now,
but Dennis's life was insured
for three-quarters
of a million pounds
and Karen's for even more.
Now, when the wills
are through probate,
you get all of that.
That all seems so meaningless.
You'll be worth
nearly two million.
So what?
What does it mean'?
I'll have a bottle of champagne
and one glass, please.
- MAN: Right you are, sir.
- Celebrating something, are we'?
It's a reaction, I think,
Inspector.
Yes.
- To grief.
-lndeed.
Would you make that two glasses'?
You're very kind, sir.
I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you.
He hasn't done anything stupid,
I hope.
I'm sorry?
Uh, hang- hanged himself
in prison.
Or something.
Remorse.
Oh, I don't think he feels
any remorse, sir.
In fact, he's changed his plea.
He says he's not guilty
of the murder.
Some cock-and-bull story
about her dying in a car crash
and him trying to cover it up.
There will have to be a trial,
I'm afraid.
That'll be 25, please, sir.
-[ Cork pops ]
- Thank you.
The trial was an ordeal.
I never realized I'd become
a national celebrity.
Fame isn't
all it's cracked up to be.
The press latched onto me
as the grieving widower.
It required
all my acting skills.
This was really for one purpose
and one purpose only.
There was still one woman
in whom I was interested
and for whose benefit
I had to look good.
Her name?
Alison Kraemer, of course.
Cultured, pure,
beautiful Alison.
Clive was clearly not gonna
make it easy for me.
I was going to have to make
a good showing on the stand.
So after you saw your wife off
on the train,
how did you spend
the rest of the day'?
I didn't do much.
Watched television.
Went for a Walk.
And the day after'?
-[ Crying ]
- My lord, I really must object.
I fail to see how the bereaved
husband's whereabouts
have any effect on this case.
I was simply trying "
The defense
have already maintained
that this unfortunate man's wife
met her death in an accident
while the accused was driving.
The objection is a valid one,
and the Witness therefore
need not answer the question.
Thank you, my lord.
No further questions, my lord.
May I step down'?
I feel ill.
I'm so sorry.
This has been very...
My wife was...
[ Sobbing ]
Please, take time
to compose yourself.
Thank you.
MAN:
So, Mr. Phillips,
you are asking us
to believe that,
having had an accident
which mildly scraped the wing
of your expensive vehicle,
the victim suffered
the serious blow to the head
of which the pathologist's
evidence has spoken.
Uh...
[Clears throat]
I maintain --
And panicking
after this incident,
you very resourcefully obtained
a large concrete post
to which you tied her.
That done, you then hurled her
into a reservoir.
No, I-l never said that.
Perhaps I heard
my learned friend,
Mr. Fawler-Jackson, wrongly.
Perhaps I was paying
insufficient attention.
I never wanted this ridiculous
defense in the first place.
- My lord...
- We all know what happened.
He and some Spanish bastard
put a sponge bag on my head,
hit me in the balls,
locked me in the boot
'cause they found out
I was in love with his wife!
And then after
they kidnapped me,
they drove me to Wales,
where they pushed me down a hill
to try to murder me!
Didn't you?!
My lord, may I ask
for an adjournment
and, with your permission,
a chance to consult
with my client.
We have no objections, my lord.
The defendant is clearly in need
of therapy of some sort.
Bastard! You bastard!
You're all bastards!
Take that man down to the cell.
I'm coming for you, you bastard!
You cold-blooded,
murdering bastard!
I'm coming to get you!
I'm coming for you!
You bastard!
I think our man is doing
rather well, don't you?
Even if he isn't a big name.
The truth
is a lawyer's best ally.
Not always.
While we waited for the jury
to make up their minds,
I thought I'd seek some
consolation in North Oxford.
A drink maybe.
Or dinner.
Who knew where it might lead'?
Oh.
Hi, Rebecca.
How's music?
Faur's still Faur.
Which is nice for him, isn't it'?
He could have been Cesar Franck
or Saint-Saens.
Did Clive really murder
your wife?
ALISON: Rebecca.
I'm sorry.
This must be
such a bad time for you.
It's not been the greatest
two weeks of my life.
When's the verdict expected?
I'm trying not to think about
things like that.
I feel rather sorry for Clive.
I just think they should
put him somewhere
and inject him with stuff.
Forever.
[ Laughs ]
Did you want something
in particular?
Just to see someone I liked,
really.
In the midst of all this horror.
When it's allover,
you must come to dinner.
When Clive Phillips goes down,
I'm socially acceptable.
Oh, don't be so paranoid.
Well, I won't come in,
even though you didn't ask.
[ Both laugh ]
Let's just hope
Clive doesn't manage
to lie his way out of this.
Then I can hold up my head up
and ask you out.
Do you know
what I like about you?
There's something terribly...
correct about you.
I'm an old-fashioned thing.
Bye.
JUDGE:
Clive Piddinghoe Phillips,
the jury has found you guilty
of a particularly despicable
and cowardly murder.
You committed this crime
in cold blood
and then proceeded
to try and cover it up
with a totally spurious
and incredible story --
which you later retracted --
involving accusations
against the poor man
Whose wife you had seduced
and then brutally killed.
You are clearly
a highly dangerous individual
whose reformation will not be
easily or lightly accomplished.
The penalty
is life imprisonment.
And bearing in mind
the particularly heartless way
you set about --
It's a lie.
It's a lie!
He's lying to you, and you can't
see it, you stupid, stupid --
- Take him down.
-...old bastard!
You're lying!
You're lying, and you know it!
You killed her, didn't you?!
You killed her, you bastard!
You murdering bastard!
Back here in Malagrena,
I headed to my old friend
Carlos's place.
I'd taught him English
in the '90s,
and he'd taught me,
well, many things.
Carlos?
Carlos?
It's me.
I'm here.
[ Laughs ]
Carlos was always
a one for parties and sex
and, um, Karl Marx.
Remember him'?
[Telephone rings]
?Digame'?
(Mme?
(Mme?
He'll turn up.
This country is
appallingly badly organized
but delightfully corrupt.
You cannot buy yourself
into polite society in England.
Charm, intelligence,
and a certain ruthlessness
are required.
What are you gonna do
with the money'?
I'm afraid I've always
found money a frightful bore.
Oh, that's funny.
Some people had you down
as a fortune hunter.
But not you?
Well, there's a certain, uh,
tension between us, but no.
We met under
difficult circumstances.
- Can I tell you something?
- Please.
I always thought you were having
an affair with Karen.
[ Laughs ]
You --
[ Laughs ]
Karen'?
[ Laughs ]
And I thought that you never
really loved her at all.
[ Laughs ]
We got each other so wrong.
You know, I think the reason
everybody was
so suspicious of you
was nobody could quite work out
Where you were from.
And that didn't bother you?
No. I'm an American.
Everyone is from somewhere else.
[ Both laugh ]
Excuse me.
You see, now,
for the first time in my life,
I was
in Alison Kraemer's league.
Yuck.
Nice to see you too.
- Hello, Alison.
- Hello.
I didn't realize you liked Bach.
Is he on the menu today?
Did he write
any string quartets?
If he isn't on the menu,
you could order him.
You could order a selection
of his string quartets,
couldn't you?
Nothing's impossible for a man
who likes Faur's piano sonatas.
Darling, don't be
such a rude little snob.
I like music.
I'm ignorant about it,
but I do like it.
Do you?
Or are you just pretending
to do so,
so you can get in with Mummy'?
I bet you only came
to the concert
because you knew it was the sort
of place we were likely to be.
Rebecca, I'm not a particularly
talented individual.
But good taste -- taste in,
books, music, and paintings --
is one of the most important
things in the world to me.
I like your Mum because
I respect her intelligence.
But that's not all
you're interested in, is it'?
You can't take her anywhere.
- Shh, shh, shh!
-[ Music begins playing]
I didn't doubt
that if! had pushed harder,
Alison would have come across.
But that was just what
I didn't want to do.
I let those events
'cake their course
and set about enjoying
the fruits of my labors.
I see Mr. Phillips' name
is no longer over the door.
Yes.
I am on staff now.
We are workers' collective.
[ Laughs ]
L.e.,
a loss-making organization.
Sorry'?
Not to worry.
This is my adviser, Mr. Carter.
Hi. Hello.
Morning, Thomas.
Shall we go up'?
So how's it going'?
We now fully participate
in all aspects of the school
with the students
and involve ourselves
in many meetings
and discussions with them
on all aspects of policy.
Mm.
But how's it going'?
We are overdrawn by 23,000.
Ah.
My friend's about to come into
a very great deal of money
which I'm managing for him.
Now, I'm glad to advise him
to invest in your project.
But we obviously need to go over
your books fairly carefully --
not least because Clive Phillips
is now serving 15 years for --
It's -- It's okay.
For the murder of my wife.
I'm very impressed with all that
you've done here.
And I'm pleased to tell you
that I've decided to buy
a controlling interest
in the school.
Do you think she'll ever
get to learn to like me'?
Rebecca'?
- Mm.
I'm not trif, am I'?
Or lush'? Or Wicked?
She's jealous, that's all.
She'll come 'round.
How could she resist
the new you?
The suits, the shoes,
the credit card.
You've changed so much.
Since my wife was murdered
and I profited from her death
to the tune
of nearly 2 million'?
[ Sighs ]
I didn't mean to...
That awful man, Clive Phillips.
No, no.
It's true.
I didn't really love Karen.
What happened was terrible,
but I'd be lying
if I said I loved her.
And I wouldn't lie to you.
She wasn't your kind of person.
She didn't know
or care about books or music
or all the things
that matter to me.
She didn't even know the date
of the French Revolution.
I mean, I don't know why
that's so important, but it was.
It was 1483, wasn't it'?
[ Both laugh ]
Now, about this new house
of yours.
There's somewhere terribly nice
rather close to me.
Oh, it's that Thomas Carter.
Tell me, do you think
he was interested in Karen'?
Every time I see him, he --
Shh, he's coming over.
Hi.
- Hello.
- Alison.
I didn't know you two
were seeing each other.
Oh, We're not.
I mean, we are, but...
We are.
Aren't we'?
The two of you
must come around for dinner.
How about next Saturday?
Um...
[ Chuckles ]
Yes.
[Doorbell rings]
[ Footsteps ]
- She's getting dolled up.
-How nice.
You're going to dinner
with Thomas and Lyn Carter,
aren't you?
If you say so, Rebecca.
I hear you're thinking of moving
near us.
You're becoming
very Rawlinson Road, aren't you?
I wish you liked me more,
Rebecca.
I Wish I did.
But Mummy seems
worryingly interested in you.
She has terrible taste in men.
[Sighs]
I shall turn the television on
so you won't have to feel
you have to be charming.
Thank you.
I can't bear it
when you're charming.
The accusations are that
Detective Inspector {for Lewis
of the local police here
used unnecessary force
in a series
of interrogations
and witness after witness
has come forward
to testify to horrific beatings
used to extort
now obviously worthless
confessions from suspects.
This case will undoubtedly
reopen many others
in which convictions
were unlawfully secured.
In view of the inquiry's
verdict on me today,
I have decided
not to contest my dismissal.
Police work is, as I have said,
intensely stressful.
And, may I add, I deeply regret
any embarrassment
and inconvenience.
ls everything all right'?
It's fine.
It's fine.
- Wow. You look fantastic.
- Thanks.
It was something about the
police making mistakes again.
I have great faith
in British justice.
Because they didn't arrest you
for those murders?
Rebecca!
Precisely because of that.
I'm innocent.
And in this country,
one is still innocent
until proven guilty.
Shall we'?
Bye.
[Telephone ringing]
[ Beep ]
MOSS:
Hello there.
You may remember me.
It's Moss here.
Chief Inspector Moss.
I was Wondering,
if you had a moment,
would you mind popping in
to see us at the station?
Just to clarify a few things.
- Hi.
- Oh, you're there, sir.
Uh, yes.
No problem.
[Siren wailing]
[Siren wailing]
We had been having
our doubts about our friend
Detective Inspector lfor Lewis.
I must say I've always found the
Welsh to be very untrustworthy.
As a matter of fact,
I'm Welsh on my mother's side.
Not all of them, of course.
Tea, sir'?
No, thank you.
As a result of this case,
a number of convictions
have been set aside,
one of which being that
of Mr. Clive Phillips.
But he murdered my wife.
I wouldn't go around saying that
if I were you, sir.
You could find yourself
facing charges of slander.
British justice.
I've been given the job
of reviewing the evidence.
They didn't seem to trust
any of our Welsh boys.
Neither did we,
as a matter of fact.
There were certain anomalies
in the evidence at the time.
We did communicate these
to our colleagues,
but I'm afraid D.l. Lewis
is a little, um...
Twisted in his mind.
Yes.
There are one or two items here
which could be used
to corroborate Mr. Phillips'
version of events.
We have a man driving a
florist van in Banbury station
who describes a car like yours
and one like Mr. Phillips'.
Another witness, who was meeting
his sister off the Oxford train,
he not only confirms the
presence of a vehicle like yours
but says there were
two men in it.
He also identified
Clive Phillips,
From a photograph,
as one of the men in the car.
Now, we don't want to spend
a lot of time
reinvestigating this case.
No'?
Not when we've already
put someone away for it
for 15 years.
I can see that.
It doesn't make us look
too brilliant.
No.
So'?
We must remember
that just because
Phillips is being released
doesn't mean he's innocent.
It doesn't'?
All the Court of Appeal
have said
is that he wasn't given
a fair trial.
It's entirely a matter
of speculation
what the outcome would have been
if he had.
You mean a guilty man
could be set free
just because of
some technical detail'?
Happens all the time.
If this case
were to be reopened,
it -- it could be extremely
distressing for all of us.
Might make the police force
look stupid,
and we don't want that, do we'?
So do me a favor.
Find someone who can verify
you were Where you said you were
that Saturday in Oxford.
You get my meaning?
I think I do, Inspector.
I need to go and see
a friend of mine.
Lady friend'?
As it happens, yes.
A very close lady friend.
Though I don't think
that will affect
the validity of her evidence.
She is a Woman
of unimpeachable integrity.
That's good.
Now, perhaps you can help me
with one more thing.
"The Iceman buyeth
not his round."
Five letters,
beginning with
I was running out of ideas.
If Alison didn't come across,
then I was finished.
But I believed in her.
She was my kind of person,
and she was all I had left.
I even believed in you,
you unregenerate Marxist twat.
Wherever you are.
-[ Cellphone ringing]
-[ Moaning ]
[ Groans ]
Carlos, it's me again.
Look, I don't know what you've
been doing in your apart--
...because I am back
in your beautiful country,
and when you and me meet up,
we are going to have
rather a good time.
I just hope you're staying
out of politics,
'cause I gather things
have changed over here
and the bastards
are back in control.
And if there's one thing
I do not want,
it's any more trouble
from the bloody law.
"The Iceman buyeth
not his round."
Five letters,
beginning with
The reference to O'Neill
is probably a red herring.
Drat.
I'll have to think about it.
And don't forget
your French essay.
J'essaierai.
She's amazing.
You're getting on
so much better.
You said you had
some kind of a problem.
It's a bit of a bore,
I'm afraid.
It seems there was
some kind of irregularity
with the way the case against
Clive Phillips was mounted.
And they may have to reopen
the case.
Oh, dear.
And they want me
to come up with...
An alibi?
Ah. I suppose that's
the technical term for it.
So do you have one'?
Well, that's the bore of it.
You see, when you canceled
our lunch date,
I was a bit depressed.
So I just stayed at home.
Did nothing.
Saw no one.
I was wondering if perhaps
you might do it.
Do what?
Vouch for me.
But I didn't see you.
I was with my father.
I know.
But you might have done.
But I didn't.
I see your point, Alison.
But we don't want to get
too overliteral about this.
It won't be a cross-examination
under oath.
And you'll be helping someone
that I think you've started
to care for
as I have started
to care for you.
- And --
-[ Door opens]
"Crime."
What do you mean, dear'?
The solution to the crossword.
It's an anagram.
The Iceman is Mr. Ice.
And "buyeth not his round"
because crime doesn't pay.
No, darling.
No, it doesn't.
That's something
I've always tried to teach you.
Well done, you.
I don't know
what amazes me more --
that you should be prepared
to perjure yourself
or that you imagined I would.
Evidently we don't know
each other as well as I thought.
Evidently.
Look, I've just got to
give them a story. That's all.
Otherwise they're gonna believe
a complete fabrication
from Clive Phillips.
I know it's a lot to ask, but...
I thought you cared about me.
You're a hard man to dislike.
I don't want to you to do
anything you'd feel bad about.
But do you want me
to go to prison?
No.
Of course I don't.
You don't think
I did kill Karen, do you?
The thought had occurred to me.
I didn't.
I swear I didn't.
I don't like lies of any kind.
Do you know something?
You were the one
I always wanted.
I think you'd better go.
[Cello music plays]
Are you going to pretend
to like Bach now
to try and curry favor?
No.
I'm a Tamla Motown man myself.
Whence the sudden access
of honesty?
You're very strict
with other people, Rebecca.
Are you as tough on yourself?
You don't like me.
I know that.
But what I object to is the idea
that you're better than me.
You did kill those people,
didn't you?
Actually, Rebecca, I didn't.
But who gives a shit'?
I do, actually.
And so does Mummy.
Do you?
Or do you just care about
having an easy life'?
That's all
most people care about, really.
Are they going to charge you
with the murder'?
Probably not.
But they might do.
Innocent people get sent
to prison all the time.
Right and wrong exist,
I'm afraid.
So you never told a lie'?
You've never tried
to make things
look a little different
than they are'?
If you asked me to tell a lie
for you, I wouldn't care.
I'd do it.
I really would.
But it would be different
for you.
Why would it be different'?
'Cause you're obviously
frightfully good at lying.
You can tell by the way
your eyes always slide about.
You're priceless, Rebecca.
Priceless.
You see, she'd got to me.
You see, she'd got to me.
She had the nerve to think
that right and wrong
were the same
as right and left.
And I had to teach her
a lesson.
Oh, trif, Rebecca.
Mummy out
playing Buxtehude tonight?
Shall you and I
have a little get-together'?
Did you think I was
going to murder Rebecca?
I swear! had no such plan.
AH I was going to do
was lock her
in her prissy little bedroom
while I ran the cat
through the Magimix
and smeared it
all over the walls.
[ Cat screeches, meows Weakly ]
There's a bit of the yob
in all of us.
Unfortunately it didn't quite
work out as I had planned.
[Clattering]
Let's just get one thing clear.
I spent five years
in the Marines.
If I chose to, I could do you
some very serious damage.
You look nice.
ALISON:
Tommy'? Tommy'?
-It's okay, honey.
- What is it?
It's just a cat.
You go to bed.
EDWARD: Tommy'?
I thought you were poking Karen.
Little too low-rent for me.
So where -- well, where --
where do I fit into all this'?
If she's having
a thing with you,
then Why'd she make a play
for me'?
Couldn't keep her satisfied,
eh, Carter'?
You're a funny guy, huh,
aren't you?
One of those dry
upper-class types.
Maybe you're so funny
because you've
never seen brutality.
But I have.
Yeah?
Which Third World country were
you terrorizing at the time'?
You know, guys like you
are what brought me to Oxford,
in a strange kind of way --
The reason you're able to be
the way you are.
So how am I'?
Well, amused by everything.
It's because
you can afford to be.
You affect not to believe
in anything.
But you're from England,
a society with a keel,
a tradition of culture
and civilization
that is strong enough to support
lightweights like you.
I get it.
I was the stooge, wasn't I'?
I was the decoy.
That's why you came
into that restaurant that night
with you wife
and asked us to dinner.
To deflect her attention
from you and Alison.
It's been going on
as long as you've known us.
We both have children,
and we didn't want to hurt them.
What the hell
are you doing here, anyway?
What were you planning to do,
write "I hate you"
over the walls?
Steal a book?
You want to use the knife'?
Go ahead.
Go on.
Please, stick it
up your own ass.
It'll save me the trouble.
Better call the cops.
What, and get your name
in the papers?
How do you explain that
to the wife and kiddies?
Why don't we both just pretend
this never happened?
What and leave you to expose us
anytime you feel like it'?
Well, what are you gonna do,
kill me'?
That is a possibility.
- Yah!
[ Laughs ]
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
You cause any trouble,
I'll tell the cops I went to
your house on the Saturday
and you Weren't there
and your car
wasn't in the garage
and neither were you there when
I called later that evening.
- If you do that...
- Mm-hmm'?
...then I'm totally fucked.
[Laughing ] Yeah.
You are.
[Laughing]
[ Laughs ]
[ Groans ]
Now get the hell out of here
so I can get out
of this nightgown.
Oh, by the way,
did you really kill Dennis'?
Did you kill Karen'?
No and no.
Funny thing...
We all liked you.
We really did.
The next day,
Chief Inspector Moss here
came to call
at what I still thought of
as Dennis and Karen's house.
I liquidated my investments
and headed for the airport.
[ Doorbell buzzes ]
[Grunts]
Don't try and tell me
they've traced me here.
All the British police
are good for
is arresting
innocent black people.
The simplest feat of detection
is far too much
for the average British bobby.
- Good night, senor.
- Can I help you?
You are Mister, uh...
If you can't read the name,
make one up.
It's your country, mate --
You have to arrest him.
How the hell did you find me'?
Credit cards, my friend.
Only two flights to Malagrena
every 24 hours.
I was on the one behind you.
In the hold, by the look of you.
Book him.
I wonder what the state of play
is on extradition treaties
between Malagrena
and the United Kingdom.
I suppose I should have
looked into that
more closely, shouldn't I'?
Which is howl come to be here,
at a police station
in downtown San Bartolomeo,
Where I do not intend staying
a moment longer than I have to.
Inspector...
Tell me, do you know the state
of the extradition agreement
between Malagrena and the U.K.'?
Usual procedure.
We present our evidence to the
magistrate, they accept it,
you come back with us,
we try you.
On what evidence?
Evidence that you killed
your wife and her first husband.
I did no such thing.
I repeat --
I did not murder my wife,
And I did not murder
her first husband.
And you know I didn't.
I have admitted
unlawfully disposing
I have admitted
unlawfully disposing
of my late wife's body,
lying to the police
and the courts,
and conspiring to kidnap
and inflict grievous bodily harm
upon Clive Phillips,
a man who, let me remind you,
insulted me professionally
and betrayed me sexually.
Had the British Government
charged me
with any of these offenses,
I should have had no alternative
but to plead guilty
and let the law take its course.
But they did not --
for the simple reason
that none of these crimes
fall Within the terms
of the extradition treaty
between our two governments.
The British police therefore
have resorted
to fabricating charges
in a category which is covered
by the treaty,
namely murder.
And this crime, gentlemen,
I did not commit.
What we call justice is mainly,
as we all know,
a matter
of political expediency.
Societies punish outsiders.
And I am an outsider
in English society.
But I hope, and indeed pray,
that I may be accepted in this,
my country of choice, Malagrena.
I rest my case.
Who are those guys'?
Well, one is from our embassy
and the other, I think,
is someone rather high up
in the Malagrenan
Security Services.
[Speaking Spanish]
That's us.
JUDGE: While we are mindful
of the relationship
between our two countries,
it seems to me,
from what I have heard,
that the accused's version
of events
is more of less sustained
by the available evidence.
I am therefore
going to have to refuse
the request for extradition.
You, sir, are free to go.
Your Excellency, I thank you.
My faith in South American
justice has been vindicated.
So it went your way.
The beak is a great Anglophile,
I hear.
Unlike me.
Would you accept a little advice
from a cynical old plod'?
Your friend Senor Garcia is
a respectable secret policeman
this side of the water.
I wouldn't advertise your
presence here too energetically.
Inspector, this is a large city,
and I intend to live
very, very quietly.
[ Music stops playing]
Welcome to my country.
[Laughs nervously]
Look...