( MUSIC PLAYING )
NARRATOR: For the last 12 years,
Biblical archaeologist Don Verdean
has received worldwide acclaim
for his incredible
discoveries in the Holy Land.
- ( CHEERING )
- Don's discoveries have touched the lives
of countless millions,
confirming their faith and
the miraculous narratives
found in the Bible.
On his latest trip
to the Middle East,
Don contacted Adabi
Hassan from Saudi Arabia,
who agreed to accompany
Don to a location
rumored to be the burial site
of Samson from the Bible.
But, sadly, upon their arrival,
all that remained of the
site was a large, empty hole
caused by looting
the previous month.
Don was devastated.
Adabi then informed him
of a lesser known location
in the valley of Sorek.
After months of intense excavation,
Don made the discovery
of a lifetime...
iron shears dating
back over 3,000 years.
Could these be the very blades
used to strip Samson
of his strength?
Don decided to share his findings
with Dr. Stelios Patrokolis,
world-renowned for his excavations
of the Byzantine Empire.
After reviewing the forensic data,
Dr. Patrokolis made the
following statement:
I'll bet.
NARRATOR: After this brief
interview with Dr. Patrokolis,
Don's discovery was made public.
He now travels the world
sharing his message of faith
to a whole new
generation of believers.
The tireless efforts of Don Verdean
will continue to bless
millions everywhere.
( PEOPLE COUGHING )
Next question.
Yeah?
Mr. Verdean, there's a... a, uh, letter.
Well, it's an online document
that's received wide distribution
throughout the ministry, as
I'm... I'm sure you've seen it.
It's, for the record, from the, uh,
Israeli Antiquities Authority.
I'd like to share that,
if that's all right.
DON: Yes, go right ahead.
"Thank you for your inquiry dated July 13th"
asking about Don Verdean.
We cannot confirm his finds
and have no information
about them whatsoever.
If he says he has
excavated in Israel,
he has committed an illegal act.
We have never heard of this man,
nor have we had any
dealings with him.
Legitimate archaeology finds
are published in professional journals
or by universities and
other scientific institutes.
Sincerely yours, Nahum Ishalom,
"spokesman for Israeli Antiquities."
DON: Thank you. Thank
you for reading that.
( CHURCH BELL TOLLING )
Now, uh,
Satan takes advantage
of situations like this.
There's two things happening here.
One, the Israelis don't
want this discovery confirmed
until, you know,
it can be done in a manner
that won't cause a bloodbath.
Two, all of my excavating was done
in a very public place,
and had I done it without a permit,
I can assure you I would've
been thrown in prison.
Unfortunately, this is how
the Israelis handle things.
If you ask any of them
if they know Don Verdean,
they'll say they don't.
Carol, did you, uh...
bring that book with you?
The one with my ugly face on the front?
Could you hand it to me?
Thank you.
Now...
if you'll all be so kind
as to look right here.
In this picture, you will
see myself and another man.
This gentleman standing next to me
is none other than Nahum Ishalom,
spokesman for the Israeli Antiquities
and author of the letter
that was just read to you.
When asked if he knew
Don Verdean, he said "no."
But if you look at this picture,
you'll see that the
truth is something else.
- ( APPLAUSE )
- ( MUSIC PLAYING )
Thank you so much.
- You may ask me how I know
- DON: You bet. Let's take a picture.
- My Lord is real...
- ( CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS )
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
My Lord is real...
DON: Let me make one thing clear.
These things are God's
things, not my things.
He is allowed me to find these treasures
because I am simple man.
It's very obvious that
I have never found
anything based on my own intellect.
Nobody on Earth is...
is clever enough to...
( SIGHS ) ...find these
things of their own volition.
- MAN: That's right.
- You know.
I work with Tony Lazarus,
and we'd love to set up a meeting
with Mr. Verdean, if we could.
I can feel His hand in mine
And that's enough for me.
( SIGHS ) How'd we do tonight?
Oh, everyone just loved
your presentation, Don,
but we only sold about 10 copies.
Well, long as kept a few
sheep from goin' astray,
can't ask for much more than that.
What's the rest of our week lookin' like?
Well, the Friday lecture group
for the Bible study class just cancelled.
( GROANS ) Well, that's unfortunate.
But I did get a request from a place called.
The Lazarus Fellowship Center.
Apparently, their pastor's just
dyin' to meet with you tomorrow.
Wait... wait a second, are
you talkin' about Tony Lazarus?
Yes. Should I know who that is?
Well, Tony died in a
car accident 10 years ago
while drivin' to Wendover with a hooker.
The spirit left his
body and everything,
but the good Lord decided
to give him a second chance
and send him back to Earth
as a modern day Lazarus.
( WHISPERS ) Incredible.
Tony married the hooker and they started
their own ministry together.
( WHISPERS ) Wow.
Tony Lazarus.
What time's he want to see me tomorrow?
First thing in the morning.
( APPLAUSE )
MAN: Praised be the
Lord, there he is.
Whoo!
Oh, well...
( CHUCKLES )
It is such a pleasure to see you.
And an absolute honor to finally meet ya.
I've been followin' your work for
years. I feel like I already know ya.
Well, it's a real pleasure to be here.
I-I-I tell
you what, I...
Well, this is my beautiful wife, Joylinda.
- Oh.
- I've seen the pictures.
Lovely to meet you.
I bet these hands have touched all kinds
- of sacred relics.
- Yes, ma'am.
Just a few.
And who's your wonderful companion?
Who? Oh, yes! I'm sorry.
This is my car... uh,
secretary. Carol Jensen.
- Carol? Oh, that's a lovely name.
- DON: Yes.
- Thank you.
- We're just so happy you two could be here.
Please, please, y'all, come have a seat.
We're so grateful you're
here. We have much to discuss.
- Come take a seat.
- Whoo!
- ( SIGHS )
- I feel it!
Well, Don, it should be no surprise to you
that we are all big fans.
I mean, perhaps your biggest fans.
We've seen all the DVDs,
read all your books.
There is no one in the
world that does what you do.
Well, thank you, Tony.
I've been very fortunate.
TONY: Well, God knows
what He's doin'.
Don, if you would bear with
me, I'm just gonna go ahead
and cut to the chase and tell
you why I brought you here.
As I'm sure you're aware,
church attendance in America
has been on a massive
decline in recent years.
And I've felt the effects of that
right here in my very own congregation.
Slowly but surely, this
nation is becommin' godless,
and it's frightening.
I mean, not to mention the
fact that there is a...
a new church that has sprung
up mere blocks from here.
The pastor there has been
siphonin' my flock for months now.
You know, he's a former
Satanist turned Christian.
Oh, people are really
taken by his story.
Oh, yes, but I fear he's
leadin' them down the wrong path.
You see,
he holds them with...
with a fear of the occult.
That's how he keeps his numbers up,
and that is not a good foundation.
And right now, Don, people need
a good foundation more than ever.
You got that right.
False prophets aside,
there are some evil factions
"withinside" the scientific community
that are dead-set upon
destroyin' the truth.
You know, the other day I
was walkin' down the street
and this man told me... he said,
"Did you know that we have
evolved from protozoas?"
Do you know what a protozoa is?
No, I do not.
It's a God dong sea monkey.
- Say what?
- Can you imagine that?
Lookin' around at the loved ones...
at your mother, at your
father, at your beautiful wife,
and sayin', "You're a sea monkey."
You belong on the bookshelf of a child
that's going to neglect you
and watch you swim around for a few days
and then end up falling to the bottom
"of the sea monkey aquarium
and turning into dust."
Holy Ghost power. That's awful.
Did you evolve from that, Don?
Now, you see, these
younger generations, Don,
they need proof. Okay?
They need hard evidence
in these dark, dark, times.
And I believe that the
Lord has been preparing you.
The Lord wants you to be His...
His instrument in this great work.
Now, what I'm proposing, Don,
is that you allow us
to participate with you in this great work
by letting us bankroll
all your future digs and projects.
( CHURCH BELL TOLLING )
I honestly don't know what to say.
Any artifact you would find, you would...
you would bring it here and we'd
present it to our congregation.
And we'd put it on display for
the whole world to see His truth.
It'd be like a little museum of
sorts here at the Lazarus Fellowship.
JOYLINDA: It would
be like a Holy Land
set in the good ol', U.S. of A.
Right here, where it
should be. Not over there.
Well, Tony, I think it's very clear to me
that the hand of... Providence
has... brought us to this juncture.
I-I think it's fair to say this
might be a match made in heaven.
TONY: Oh, I was hopin'
you were gonna say that.
Don, we have been prayin'
so long and hard for this,
and we would love nothin' more than
to begin this adventure immediately.
Well, today's your lucky day.
I believe I have a solid lead
on the location of Lot's wife.
- ( MURMURING )
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
( BRIEFCASE CLICKS OPEN )
DON: Two weeks ago my sources
inside Israel sent me this.
Approximately three furlongs to the south
of where I discovered the sulfuric
remains of Sodom and Gomorrah.
( TONY SIGHS )
This is incredible.
Have the Israelis tested
this for salt content?
The sample taken to the lab
indicated that this structure
was made up of 97% sodium chloride.
I was told that's the purest
salt they've ever tested.
( SIGHS )
I don't know what to say.
I mean, Don, you've
actually found Lot's wife.
( JOYLINDA CRYING )
- ( JOYLINDA HYPERVENTILATING )
- It's all right, sweetheart.
( JOYLINDA CRYING )
When can we bring her here?
- ( THUNDER RUMBLES )
- ( PHONE LINE RINGING )
( MAN ON PHONE SPEAKING HEBREW )
Hi, shalom, Boaz?
- It's Don Verdean.
- ( ANIMAL BELLOWING )
I can... I can barely hear you.
- ( ANIMAL BELLOWS )
- Boaz, it's Don Verdean
from America. How are ya?
Shem, sheket. Sheket!
DON ON PHONE: Shalom
from... can you hear me?
No, tell the camel, "Shut up."
The camel keep talking.
Boaz, it's Don Verdean from America.
- How are ya?
- Hello, Don.
- Ah, yes, it's me, Boaz.
- ( CAMEL BELLOWING )
Uh, what's up, man?
Well, uh, good news. You
remember that pillar of salt
you and your brother found out
in the desert two weeks ago?
- ( CAMEL BELLOWS )
- Well, I need you to ship it to me.
- ( CAMEL BELLOWS )
- I can wire you the money tonight.
- BOAZ: Oh, yeah, yeah, that thing.
- DON: Yeah, about that.
That's not there anymore.
DON: Uh, I'm sorry, say that again?
I said, "That is not there anymore."
What do you mean, "It's not there anymore"?
- Where'd it go?
- Me and Shem were out there today,
and we're looking and we're looking,
- but, uh, we don't see her.
- ( CAMEL BELLOWS )
Well, are you sure you're
looking in the right place?
No?
- Uh, say what?
- Uh, maybe.
Now come on, Boaz!
I mean, this could be
the find of the century.
I mean, we're talkin'
about Lot's wife here.
There are a lot of
rocks out there, Don.
They all look the same. How
do I know which one is the one?
Well, it can't be that hard.
We need the one with breasts.
Oh, the breasts. Okay, that one. ( LAUGHS )
- Oh, yeah.
- There's one big white rock,
and it has breasts on it.
- ( CAMEL BELLOWS )
- All right. Chill out, sababa.
- It's cool.
- No, it's not cool!
Okay? Get the Marines, get the Taliban,
get the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir, if you have to,
but find the pillar of salt!
Now, don't you be facetious, Don.
Don't screw this up, Boaz.
You get her on a plane tomorrow.
There are countless souls whose
very salvation is at stake here.
You do not want their blood on your hands.
- Do you want to go to hell?
- No.
- Do you believe in hell?
- I'm not sure,
but I don't take chances.
All right, well, I'll wire
you the money tonight.
- Hey, Don?
- What?
- Catch you later, man.
- ( CAMEL BELLOWS )
All right, well, I'll catch you later, too.
All right. Goodbye, now.
Good Lord, have mercy.
( THUNDER RUMBLING )
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
I brought you some supper.
You didn't have to do that.
It's just some pot stickers
and a raisin cookie.
Well, I don't care much for raisins,
but thank you.
Carol, how long you
been workin' for me now?
- Almost eight months.
- Wow.
Time's really flown by.
Well, after what's transpired today,
I need you to cancel
the rest of the tour.
But, more importantly, it doesn't look like
I'm gonna need anyone to
manage my schedule anymore.
( THUNDER RUMBLING )
Oh, uh, uh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Well, um,
I'm happy to stick around a few more days
to help you transition.
What? No. No, no, Carol,
you're not getting fired.
I-I-I want to promote you
to research assistant
and field documentarian.
Oh, Don, I would be honored!
( LAUGHS )
Carol, I want to make one thing very clear.
Finding treasure in
the Earth is meaningless
unless it will help someone get to heaven
that wouldn't get there otherwise.
That's what I admire about you, Don.
You're in this for all the right reasons.
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Well...
- good night.
- Night.
- ( DOOR CLOSES )
- ( QUIETLY ) Ah!
( TRUCK BEEPING )
( DOG BARKING )
( MAN COUGHS )
Well, there she is. Lot's wife.
Don, don't get me wrong, I
mean, she obviously is beautiful,
but, uh, is it just me, or does she look
a little different than
she does in the, uh,
photograph the Israelis sent you?
DON: Well, Tony, I'm always
amazed at how certain artifacts
have the ability to
completely re-write history.
Based on the evidence
standing right here before us,
I think it's very plausible that.
Lot's wife was a hermaphrodite.
I'm sure it was quite
common in those days.
Limited gene pool,
incest, and what have you.
That would probably explain why Lot's wife
was so dead-set upon returning
to the Forbidden City.
DON: Bingo.
My only fear is the, uh,
milk drinkers of my congregation.
Is this meat going to be
too much for them to swallow?
- ( HEBREW ON CAR RADIO )
- ( CELL PHONE RINGING )
- BOAZ: Hello?
- Boaz, what in the hell did you send me?!
What do you mean
what did we send you?
We sent you Lot's wife. The
one with the two breasts.
Well, she also came
with a veritable fruit salad in her pants!
Now, come on, Boaz!
I just can't tolerate this
type of sloppy archaeology.
Let me ask you this,
which one of you screwed
up my pillar of salt?!
Don, Don, this is the real
Lot's wife. I promise you.
She was smuggled straight
out of the Holy Land.
I know it's different from
the picture we sent you,
but this one matches the
description in the "Bibla."
- What did you say?
- You have to believe me
that this is really her, Don.
This is Lot's wife.
I'm telling you, Don.
I'd bet my life on it.
Now stop calling me about this.
( ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING )
Don't turn back
When your husband tells you not to
It's not a woman's lot in life
To give a single thought to
What her husband commands
Is what she ought to do
And don't turn
To a pillar of salt
Pillar of salt
It's all her fault
She should have listened
When her husband shouted "halt"
Instead of Sodom and Gomorrah
She should have just stayed home
And read the Torah
Now she's a pillar
Of salt.
( APPLAUSE )
( SMOOCHES ) Wonderful.
( MAN COUGHING )
Wasn't that beautiful?
Beautiful voice, beautiful message.
Brothers and sisters, I am humbled
by what I am going to share with you.
Just a few weeks ago,
an incredible discovery
was found in Israel.
World renowned
archaeologist Don Verdean
and his team of experts
have uncovered what many scholars believe
to be the remains of Lot's wife,
as found in Genesis 19, verse 26.
"His wife looked
back from behind him
and she became a pillar of salt."
Just when the world thought that
the windows of heaven were closed,
the Lord has granted us a miracle.
And an answer
to life's greatest mystery.
Who was this woman, and
why was she so dead-set
about returning to that hellhole?
Without further ado,
I present to you the
first of what I hope to be
many archaeological discoveries
to prove that the Bible
is true.
( MAN COUGHING )
( MURMURING )
( ORGAN PLAYING HANDEL'S "MESSIAH" )
MAN: Hallelujah.
MAN #2: Praise the Lord.
Whoo!
Blessed be.
( CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUES )
( EXHALES SHARPLY, CLEARS THROAT )
Whoo.
( MURMURING )
DON: Thank you. Praise God.
Congratulations, Tony.
Impressive turnout today.
Looks like your ministry
is almost relevant again.
( SCOFFS ) Don, this is Dennis Fontaine.
He's from the Friendship Harvest Temple.
- Ah, good to meet ya.
- TONY: You know, a funny little piece of trivia
- about Mr. Fontaine, he used to be a Satanist.
- Is that right?
Oh, yeah. He was a high priest.
Participated in the orgies, the whole deal.
Then one day he woke up and decided
he was playin' for the wrong team.
Decided to become a Christian.
Quite a discovery you've made here.
Where exactly was it located?
In the Valley of Sittim,
Southern tip of the Dead Sea.
Ah, I'm sure it was.
My colleague Dr. Stanley here
teaches life sciences
at Sioux Valley Vo-Tech.
He was wondering if he could
take a sample back to his lab
for carbon dating purposes?
What makes you think you can carbon
date the wrath of the Almighty?
Besides, anyone with a brain
knows that carbon dating
is completely ineffective when
dealing with mineralized fossil.
The isotopes are rendered useless.
Why don't you leave the science
to the scientists, Mr. Verdean?
Why don't you leave the things
of God in the hands of his people?
Just thought you boys might like some
forensic data to back up your claims.
But I totally understand if
you're skittish about the results.
I think you might be better off
gettin' some of your own lab work done,
make sure your blood ain't loaded
with V.D. from your Satanic orgy days.
Hey, you better watch yourself.
You better watch yourself.
Fontaine, get ahold of.
"Planet of the Apes" here.
You put this jackrabbit in a
corner, he's gonna find a way out.
Look, you can avoid the facts all you want,
but sooner or later
people will want the truth.
Get ready for it.
Fontaine!
I know you'd like to take a
sample back to your machine,
but you can find out what it's made of
right now with a good,
old-fashioned lick test.
( HISSES )
( CROWD MURMURING )
What in the world was that?
I believe that was some
sort of demonic hiss.
Yo, Don, I'm not so sure that
was a wise move to challenge him.
CAROL: I don't think
you could have asked
for a better reaction today.
The look on everyone's
faces should be bottled up
and sold as an anti-depressant.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, that Joylinda's a real surprise.
She and Tony are perfect for each other.
It's a shame they can't have any kids.
You know, doctor's
say a woman her age...
she should have plenty of fresh eggs.
What in the world are you jabberin' about?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Seems like that pastor may
have shaken you up a bit.
I've had to deal with vipers
like him my whole life.
Nothin' but bottom-dwellers
tryin' to destroy the work.
Oh, I know, but you just gotta
let it just roll right off you.
Well, now, Carol, you need to learn
your place in this partnership.
And right now I need
you to stay quiet
when I think things through.
- ( DON SIGHS )
- ( EXHALES SHARPLY )
You know, in the eight
months that you've known me,
you've never asked me one
thing about my personal life.
I-I-I assumed it was a
professional courtesy,
but now I realize you think of
me as a mindless subordinate.
Now, Carol, that's not true.
I just never thought
you had a personal life.
Well, if you cared to ask...
you'd learn that I have a son in prison.
Carol, I-I-I had no
idea you had a son.
( UNZIPS BAG )
He was my youthful indiscretion.
Sometimes I feel like that French
whore from "Les Misrables."
( SNIFFLES )
I'm sorry to hear that.
How'd your son end up in prison?
( VOICE BREAKING ) Well, he
said he was starting to become
a Forest Ranger, but he was
actually growing cannabis
in Zion National Park.
( WHISPERS ) Three tons of it.
Good Lord be, that's some serious weed.
Yeah.
Now he's servin' a 12-year sentence.
It's a heavy burden
for a single mother.
All I've ever wished for that
boy is to have a father figure.
( CRYING ) He just needed a dad.
I can't believe you've
shouldered this all by yourself.
My life's just been a train wreck.
( SOBBING )
But ever since I started workin' for you,
I feel like it's slowly
gettin' back on the right track.
Carol, I want you to know
that I'm here for you.
I'm glad you shared that with me.
I-I know it can't be easy bein' the mother
of a dope slinger, but know that God
can heal even the worst of sinners.
He doesn't want anything
to do with that right now.
Well, he'll come 'round.
We'll get that boy saved
if it's the last thing we do.
Now have a bite of your bacon.
( LAUGHING )
Gotta have your protein.
Praise God.
( LAUGHS )
( BELL TOLLING )
Donald, I'm gonna go ahead
and swing for the fences
with this one, all right?
We're battin' 1,000, so why not?
Lot's wife has gone over like gangbusters,
and we cannot succumb to a sophomore slump.
We need to come correct.
I think the very next
artifact we go after,
Ark of the Covenant.
Well, that's a great idea, Tony, but, uh,
we already know where she is.
We do?
- Where?
- DON: Ethiopia.
It's rested there for hundreds of years
at the church of Our
Lady Mary of Zion in Axum.
It's watched over by a
single guardian monk 24/7.
Does this monk know martial arts?
Tell me this, is there anything into
tryin' to strike up some sort of
friendship with this monk fella?
Convince him to bring
the Ark over here?
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Years ago, I tried to make
small talk with the fellow
when he came up for air... not a good idea.
Besides, if anyone actually sees the Ark,
they will implode.
Whoo. Well, that sounds
like that would suck.
Frankincense.
Penicillin.
Sweetheart, those are wonderful
ideas, they really are,
but, uh, we don't need
to waste Don's time
findin' penicillin, baby,
'cause we are... the
world has that already.
What about a scuba expedition
to the bottom of the Red Sea?
Search for the remains of Pharaoh's army?
Gold chariots, breastplates, and the like?
Well, the Red Sea's roughly
170,000 square miles of open water.
I'm not sure I'd know where to begin.
Well, I'll tell you where to begin, Don.
- Faith.
- You got me there.
But dredging the ocean floor's an operation
that's way out of our budget range.
I'd say our current resources are
best suited for land excavation.
Don, this is hard.
Oh, this is tough. I
got a jumble of thoughts
just going on like there's a fog.
Like Lucifer has farted inside my brain.
Well, what sort of, uh,
artifacts do you think
will be more reasonable?
Well, there's one object
that's eluded me for years.
I'm goin' after...
the Goliath skull.
TONY: That is brilliant.
Goliath's skull.
Don, I'm gonna get you some SkyMiles
and we're gonna get you to Israel.
You know about the road to Jericho?
- No, I don't.
- Well, it's a long story.
I don't want to get into it right
now, but the Valley of Kidron
and the Valley of Josaphat...
I'm stuck between left and right.
BOAZ: So, Carol, is this your first time
in the Valley of Elah?
Okay, right now we're
standing in the very creek bed
where David collected his five stones.
That means the Philistine army
would have camped over here
and the Israelites would have camped...
over there.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
( SIGHS )
Military protocol of the day
would put David and Goliath somewhere
right here in the middle.
To pinpoint a more exact location,
you go stand over there, Boaz.
Let's see how this thing
would've played out.
( BOAZ GRUMBLING )
You better not sling that rock at me, Don.
This will give us a general area
of where they might have buried the skull.
Hold that shovel above your
head so I have about six cubits.
Now, if I'm David, I'm
thinkin', "I've got to swing"
this contraption as hard as I can.
"I'm probably only gonna
get one chance at this."
And then David begins to pray
for a kill shot right between
- the Philistine's eyes.
- ( GROANING )
BOAZ: Carol!
- Carol!
- ( GROANING CONTINUES )
Are you all right?
- You hit her in the uterus, Don.
- I am so sorry, Carol.
The sling just fell apart on me
it's... it's... it's clearly
not a reliable weapon.
- Can you breathe?
- ( GROANS ) Yeah.
Well, let's all gather
'round for a word of prayer.
Okay.
Dear Lord, we are indeed grateful
that Carol's flesh was not harmed.
Bless her with renewed vigor.
We pray, Lord, that when I throw
this river stone in the air,
that it may land in the general area
of where we should begin to dig,
that we might be able to locate the remains
of that heartless Philistine.
Yay, even Goliath. Amen.
All right, there she is.
Let's start diggin'.
( BIRD CRIES )
"Remember, my child, I
never said it would be easy,
I only said it would be worth it."
Our Lord and Savior said that.
I know you people don't
respect him as a deity,
so I figured you may have missed
one of his best one-liners.
( SIREN CHIRPS )
Hey! Hey!
( SPEAKING HEBREW )
Stay cool, I'll handle this.
( CONTINUES SPEAKING HEBREW )
- Shabbat shalom.
- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )
- Mazel tov. Mazel tov.
- He says it's illegal to dig here.
- Why are you digging here?
- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )
He said, "Shut your face, you."
- Hey!
- ( POLICE RADIO CHATTER )
( SPEAKS HEBREW )
Well, I was told to pack a shovel
when touring these parts
in case of inclement bowels.
No toilets anywhere.
( SPEAKS HEBREW )
He says you can't come here
to our country and bury your caca.
( OFFICER SPEAKING HEBREW )
You need a government permit to dig here.
( SPEAKING HEBREW )
If we don't put it back, everybody to jail.
- ( RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES )
- Move!
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- ( BOAZ SPEAKING HEBREW )
- There's no need for that.
- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
We will return everything
to exactly the way it was
and be on our way.
( SPEAKING HEBREW )
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )
- ( SIGHS )
- ( CAR DOORS CLOSE, ENGINE STARTS )
( GROWLS )
( SIREN WAILING )
( TELEPHONE RINGING )
- This is Don.
- Don, it's Tony. How are ya?
I'm good, Tony, I'm really... I'm good.
How's everything goin' there? I just
really wanted to check up on your progress.
You know, people are
chompin' at the bit here
to see the head of that Philistine.
Well, Tony, I...
- we're gettin' close.
- Yeah, you think you'll be able
to wrap it up there in the next day or two?
I know your return trip is on Friday.
Praise God, I think there's an 80% chance.
Those odds have me a little worried, Don.
Well, we've already
located the burial site.
At this point, it's
just a matter of digging.
Hmm. Okay.
Well, I gotta be honest with you, Don,
we need that skull.
The fate of thousands
of people's very souls
- are in the balance here.
- I understand that.
I mean, their fate is... is
barely hangin' on by a thread.
If they do not have this second witness,
we could lose these people forever.
Can you imagine that?
I promise you, I will not return
until I have Goliath's head in my carryon.
All right. Well, I never doubted you, Don.
Why don't you go ahead
and get some shut eye?
I'm sure it's pretty late
over there in the Holy Land.
Will do, Tony. Thank you.
God speed. Good night to you.
( PHONE LINE CLICKS )
( SIGHS )
( SIGHS )
( DOG BARKING )
( COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING )
Come on, now.
Please don't be cremated.
( BLOWS )
( DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE )
( SIGHS )
Dear Lord, please forgive
me for what I'm about to do.
And I know that someday
this man will be resurrected
and his members will be made whole again.
Until that day comes,
I pray that his remains
will be put to good use
and bring You many new souls unto Thee.
Amen.
( GRUNTING )
( SCRAPING )
( CROWBAR CLATTERS )
( GROANING )
( CRACKS )
( CAR DOOR CLOSES )
( GRUNTS )
( TELEPHONE RINGING )
- Hello?
- DON: Carol, I need you to wake up.
I'm up.
DON: I was wrong about
our location yesterday.
They never would've
buried Goliath there.
It's just too obvious.
That police officer yesterday was God's way
of telling us that we
were on the wrong path.
Well, where could it be, then?
Praise God, we'll find out.
CAROL: What is this place?
This is the ancient village of Gath.
Goliath's birthplace.
We all need to keep our eyes
peeled for any natural landmarks...
a... a monument of sorts.
What about that monolith right there?
- What monolith?
- Right there.
That's not a bad idea.
All right, boys, let's head over there.
DON: Good thinkin' there, Carol.
BOAZ: You have really great ideas, Carol.
All right, Carol, this is your call.
You take the lead on this one.
Well, to me,
this monolith represents
the physical strength of Goliath.
So, it only makes sense
that they would've used
something like this as a grave marker.
Dang, you're a natural.
Where should we start digging?
Right here.
All right, boys, you heard the lady.
Let's get to it.
Everyone be careful. Most Philistine graves
in this region are quite shallow.
That being said, let's dig fast.
Don't want any looky-loos showin' up.
( CLANGS )
Don.
I hit something.
Okay. Ho, ho, ho... everyone stop.
- Where is it?
- Right there.
( EXHALES SHARPLY )
Carol, can you hand me
that brush from my kit?
- I can see a chunk of bone.
- Let's not get carried away.
Ooh! Is that the dome of a skull?!
Phew. Certainly appears that way.
Wow.
DON: Carol, would you do the honors?
No, I'm afraid I'll break it. You do it.
All right, next time.
Get that bag ready.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it. That's...
the skull of Goliath.
Hey! Hey! T-these guys just
found the skull of Goliath!
All right. Let's get out of here.
( INDISTINCT CHATTER )
- ( KNOCKS )
- BOAZ: Can I come in, Don?
DON: Sure. What can I do you for?
I was just thinking about the
incredible discovery we made today.
Another big win for Christianity, huh?
Your people, too.
You should be proud of
yourself. Shalom.
Your shovel made first contact.
I guess you're right.
I just found it a
little strange that...
we found the skull
in the very first place we started digging.
My brother and I both agree
that that ground felt very soft.
Almost like somebody had already dug it up.
I'm sure you can guess where
I'm going with this, Don.
No, Boaz. Actually, I don't.
Oh, don't you? It just seemed a
bit convenient, don't you think?
What we experienced today is
nothing short of a miracle.
Don't ever forget that.
God has always said,
"My ways are not your ways."
( COMPUTER CHIMES )
- Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
- What the hell?
- Hey, hey, hey. Mind your business.
- What is wrong with you?!
You sick, sick man, Don.
Easy, now, Boaz. Let's... let's
talk about this, all right?
No, there's nothing to talk about.
You're a grave robbing creep!
Dismembering the head
of Johnny Jerusalem?!
Johnny Jerusalem is a hero here!
Listen to me now, Boaz!
I was always gonna put him back.
Give him the proper hero's burial,
but you need to understand
why I had to do this.
I-I-I'm doin' it for
the good of everyone.
I should report you to
the authorities right now.
Let's not be rash here.
( CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY )
I'm sure there's somethin'
we can work out between us.
You trying to bribe me, Don?
I don't want your filthy luka.
Well, wh... what do you want?
I want to come to the States.
I want to live the
American Dream for a while.
And get a Pontiac.
And I want the Levi's jeans,
acid wash, super taper.
- Like John Stamos.
- ( SIGHS )
I want a wife, Don. I'm lonely here.
She has to be gentle
and sweet and hot like stripper.
Well, that can be arranged.
But on one condition, now.
I need you to bear
witness to the skull.
You're gonna have to be
a part of this for a bit.
Maybe even share how the experience
has caused you to consider Christianity,
but you're still on the
fence about the whole ordeal.
Christians love hearin' that
thing from a real-live Jew.
What do you say? Do we have a deal?
You better start lining up
some hot chicks for me, Don.
DON: Amen.
( SIGHS )
( PLANE ENGINE ROARING )
( ANNOUNCEMENTS IN HEBREW )
MAN ON RECORDING: Hey, t-these guys
just found the skull of Goliath!
Let's get out of here.
CAROL: One of those tourists
uploaded it this morning.
It already has over 1,000 views.
Let's hope the authorities don't
see it before we're airborne.
Put that away.
They got a lot of undercovers
on these Jew planes.
( ANNOUNCEMENTS IN HEBREW )
Stick it below the seat in front of ya.
Sorry, Carol.
Keep a close eye on it. Be gentle, now.
( CRACKS )
I think it's broken.
If Satan can get in there and get
you to start your day off wrong,
he's gonna do it. Trust me.
And he's gonna do it
through breakfast cereal.
Kay?
Listen to some of the deviant
names of these cereals.
Grape-Nuts.
Grape-Nuts!
Nice try, Satan.
Nuts, testicles.
Come on. Don't get that image
in my head in the morning.
Banana Nut Crunch.
Yeah, we know what the nuts
are, we've established that.
Bananas? ( SCOFFS )
We know what that is.
It's a penis.
Well, I'm here to tell you
that each and every time
you spoon into a bowl of Lucky Charms,
you might as well be partaking
of Lucifer's sacrament.
I mean, come on!
Turn it around! Let's get God cereal in ya!
Start the day off with a
little God in your life.
You know what I eat?
I eat Life.
I eat Raisin Bran.
I eat Special K.
Right? Special K.
( WHISPERS ) Come... come
right now. It's on TV.
Oh. Brothers and sisters,
let's all take a 15-minute recess.
Fontaine, I'm tellin' you, you
could really be screwed here, man.
TONY ON TV: Ladies and
gentlemen, members of the press,
at this time, I would
like to introduce to you
the people sitting here to my left.
First we have Boaz Yohalem,
field supervisor and Israeli national.
Next to him Carol Jensen,
chief research assistant.
And, finally,
world-famous archaeologist,
Donald Verdean.
Mr. Verdean is also
the president and CEO
of BibleQuest Enterprises,
headquartered in Duchesne, Utah.
Now, at this time, I'd
like to hand the floor over
to Mr. Verdean so he can share with you
the evidence of his latest find.
- ( APPLAUSE ON TV )
- I'm gonna book you a massage right now.
( HISSES )
DON ON TV: Earlier this month
on a routine dig in Israel,
Miss Jensen, Mr. Yohalem
and myself unearthed the remains
of a very large human skull
containing a river stone
embedded in the frontonasal suture.
This discovery was made in Gath,
the ancient birthplace of Goliath.
And I'm gonna quit talkin' about it
and let you be the judge.
- ( CROWD GASPING )
- ( OVERLAPPING QUESTIONS )
- MAN: Mr. Verdean, how tall was he?
- WOMAN: Question. Question.
- MAN #2: Over here.
- WOMAN: Question right here, Mr. Verdean.
I want you to find the home addresses
of everyone involved in this broadcast.
And I want you to go to their homes
and put a dead dog in
each one of their cars.
DON ON TV: First
question, right over here.
How do you respond to critics
who claim this is all a big hoax?
Well, I invite critics everywhere
to take a good, hard look at the evidence
and, uh, make a decision.
Bone shavings from the skull
will soon be taken to the lab
for radio carbon analysis.
So you see, it's all scientific.
Tell them the truth, Don.
( MIC FEEDBACK SQUEALS )
What?
I think you should really tell the truth.
( LAUGHS )
Tell them how we were chased
by three al-Qaeda
guys on "motorcyc-les."
( CROWD MURMURING )
Oh, yeah, well, I-I tried
to forget about that.
- It was, uh...
- Will you please tell us about this run-in with al-Qaeda?
Uh...
well, yes, as you already know
word of our discovery spread
quickly and not 10 minutes after
we were on the road with the skull,
we were followed by three
masked men on motorcycles...
- BOAZ: With AK-47s.
- ( CROWD GASPS )
DON: With AK-47s. Uh...
I immediately took evasive action
and I knocked all three
of them off the road.
What al-Qaeda would want with the skull
of a Philistine, I have no idea.
They're possibly cloning
an army of giant al-Qaeda guys.
- ( CROWD MURMURING )
- Uh...
What makes you think
they were from al-Qaeda?
Well, I've received numerous death threats
since the incident that, uh...
confirm they were indeed
- al-Qaeda operatives.
- ( CROWD MURMURING, GASPING )
Indeed they had... were
wearing those crazy hats.
- Thank you, Dan.
- TONY: Now, I tell ya, if I had my druthers,
the very next thing
we'd be goin' after...
the wreckage of Noah's vessel.
I'm not talkin' about the Ark, there
was this... an earlier prototype.
It's more of a recreational vehicle.
I believe his boys wrecked
it across a rocky shore
when they were gallivanting one evening.
If I can put that piece
of the puzzle together,
I can finally close the door
on all this dinosaur nonsense,
prove that that stuff never existed.
Just a hodgepodge of
different reptilian bones.
I'm sure if you're
familiar with the old, uh,
'80s cartoon "Vultron."
Familiar with that? I believe they were
crime-fighters of some nature.
They all had their own machines,
but together the machines
would form a giant machine.
And I do believe that that
is what we can discover.
That these bones, these relics,
they're just like a little
Vultron of reptilians.
It was all tiny ones kinda
fell together to form something
that looks like a creature.
- Have I lost ya?
- Appreciate you bein' here.
Right.
Well...
Hey, Carol. How you holdin' up?
Boy, I'm sure you're not used to
this much limelight, though.
You really glowed up there today.
Stop it, Don.
Did you plan that
publicity stunt with Boaz?
What? No, no, no.
Because I would like to
be forewarned the next time
you decide to lie to the
entire Christian nation.
( STOMPS FOOT, GROANS )
Carol, I-I'm... I'm sorry,
but Boaz caught me totally off-guard.
I-I-I didn't
know what to say,
so I just rolled with it.
But I sure as heck didn't
ask him to lie for me.
( SIGHS )
Well, you know, in life I had to learn
that sometimes the small untruths
are necessary for the greater good.
My sentiments exactly.
But you know the second those
lies hurt the ones you love,
the sin is on you.
He also was in the Masad training
program for about three months.
Weapons training,
counter-intelligence,
making booby-traps,
- kicking...
- Would you excuse us for just a moment?
I just want to talk
to Dr. Yohalum for a second.
- I'm just talking to the lady about the...
- Yes. Yes.
What in the Sam Hill were
you thinkin' in there?!
Al-Qaeda, Boaz?! Cloning?!
You don't know a damn heck thing
about the media, do you, Don?
I was saving you up
there! You were suffering.
Those people were bored, they were yawning.
They couldn't give a rat's butthole
about your Goliath skull
until I mentioned al-Qaeda.
We're front page news now.
Everybody wants a piece of us.
Piece of you. Piece of
me. Piece of all of us.
This is my operation, Boaz.
Anything you say or do
need to run by me first!
- You understand?
- Do you understand that we're partners now?
I've started drumming up some
business from some new clients.
- What?!
- We should cut bait with this... this Tony guy.
We could be making serious
luka from big-time collectors.
No, no, no, no. Hold on.
That's not why I do this.
A Chinese billionaire
emailed me two minutes ago.
He wants to finance us.
I told him we're onto something big, Don.
Something really big.
The Holy Grail of Biblical artifacts.
And what might that be?
The Holy Grail.
You're an idiot. Are you jokin' me?
I'm not a joking you, Don.
And apparently he just
leaked that to the press.
Well, you've just turned
this into a royal crap storm.
How in the heck are we gonna find that?!
The same way we found the
Goliath skull, I guess.
We fabricate it.
Don't walk away from this, Don.
( SIGHS DEEPLY )
I'm the one who knows
your dirty little secret.
Don! Hold on. Let me
holler at you for a moment.
Hey, Tony, hey. How are ya?
What's going on? I-I just
talked to a reporter in there.
He said you were thinkin'
about jumpin' ship?
Go work for some Chinese
billionaire. That's not true, is it?
( GROANS ) Tony, I don't know what to say.
- A lot of big things have happened today.
- All right, well,
what's he offering you? You gotta give me
the opportunity to match his offer.
Well, Tony, I...
I'm sorry, Tony, I never
planned it to happen like this,
but... ( GROANS )
This is just too big an
opportunity to pass up.
( SNIFFS ) You know, I don't believe this.
I thought you and I were friends.
Real soldiers in the Lord's army.
But you've turned out
to be a Judas Iscariot.
- Wait, Tony, I...
- Good day to you, sir.
Tony, my hands are tied here! I...
( SIGHS )
There are a few items of business
I want to discuss with you.
- Keep your voice down.
- All right.
First item,
if you're worried about the analysis
of the Goliath skull, don't be.
Boaz has taken care of it.
- Excuse me?
- I offered the lab tech guy
10 grand to fake the results.
- You just what?
- Don't worry about the money, Don.
I'll take care of that, too.
I'm gonna negotiate an advance
when we have our Skype
call with Poon-Yen tomorrow.
Who's Poon-Yen?
- Poon-Yen.
- That's what I said. Poon-Yen.
No, you said Poon-Yen,
it's Poon-Yen.
He's the Chinese
guy that's paying us
to find the Holy Grail.
Second item of business,
I want one night with Carol.
Absolutely not.
You offered to find me a wife, Don,
that was part of the deal.
Just one night with Carol.
Not lovemaking, just dancing, talking,
flirting, having fun.
Smelling each other's hair.
Absolutely not. Carol's her own woman.
I can't make her do anything.
You and I both know that she'll do
just about anything for the cause.
I need you to make this happen, Don.
Don't forget about what's at stake here.
I'll see you 9:00 AM tomorrow
for the Skype call with Poon-Yen.
Make up a good story about
where we find this Grail.
Boaz.
Boaz.
( DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES )
( CELL PHONE BUZZING )
- Hello?
- Carol, it's Don.
- Hi.
- Carol, I'm sure you've heard already,
but I-I just wanna tell you myself.
We're now being financed
by a wealthy Christian
fellow from China.
Oh, I know, it's all
over the Internet.
What did Tony say?
Well, he didn't take very kindly to it,
but, uh, we're still on the Lord's
errand and that's what matters.
Uh... uh, Carol, I had a great
conversation with Boaz today.
He was askin' me all
kinds of deep questions
about Christianity and
the search for truth.
I think he might be
interested in gettin' saved.
Really? Oh, that's wonderful.
( EXHALES SHARPLY )
I was wonderin' if you might be able
to spend some time with
him tomorrow night,
bear witness of your conversion story.
I think that might help him get to
the finish line a little quicker.
Oh, absolutely! It
would be my pleasure!
Thank you, Carol. Hallelujah.
I'll go ahead and let him know. I'm sure
he'll look forward to hearin' your story.
- Good night.
- Oh, good night.
( SKYPE TONE PLAYS )
( PHONE LINE RINGING )
( SKYPE WHIRRS )
Poon-Yen, hi.
We realize your time is precious,
so we're gonna get
straight to the business.
My business partner's
right here. Don Verdean.
Pleasure to meet ya, Poon-Yen.
Hello, Don. I'm a big fan of your work.
- I have all your DVD.
- Thank you.
Uh, Don is going to
brief you on what he knows
about the location of the Holy Grail.
Uh, many people believe the Grail is buried
on a booby-trapped
island off of Nova Scotia.
Even Franklin D. Roosevelt
blew a significant load of cash
tryin' to find it there, but the
Knights Templar were tricky fellows.
Oh, yes, those... those damn bastards.
But based on my study of
the Kensington Runestone,
I believe I have a mountain of evidence
that places the Grail on an Indian
reservation in the American Southwest.
Oh, that's very interesting!
Which Indian reservation is it?
Of course, that information is confidential
until we've formally
entered into an agreement.
That's right. Don's right.
We're going to need a
substantial retainer fee
um, before we can begin. For our services.
Oh, uh, how much of my money do you want?
Um, a million dollars sound okay?
- A million dollars sounds okay.
- Sure... certainly be a start.
So, when can we go look for the Grail?
Well, give us a few days
to organize our game plan
- and we'll call you.
- Sound great!
Uh, so how will you be paying us?
We've got a few urgent matters
we need to take care of.
Oh, when I fly out for the
dig, I will bring you cash.
Is there any way that you could
wire us the money right now?
Uh, maybe, I don't know, 10 grand to...
to hold us over till then?
I'm sorry. Can you say again?
I can't understand you say. What you say?
Oh, is there any way that you can wire us
the money straight away? Like,
say, maybe 10 grand maybe?
Your accent are very
strong. Can you say again?
Is there any way you can wire us the money
straight away, maybe? Just to tide us over.
Perhaps, about 10 grand?
Hey, no problem. I'll just, uh...
send me your bank account number.
Okay, thank you. We'll
do that straight away.
Okay, fantastic. Uh, goodbye, gentlemen.
( SIGHS )
( SKYPE CLOSES )
And that is what I'm talking about.
( GRUNTS ) Ooh, shalom!
( BOAZ SINGING )
( HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING )
( KNOCKS ON DOOR )
Ah, good evening, Carol.
You're lookin' very nice.
Oh, Boaz.
I didn't know this was a formal event.
Just a little bit of light dancing
and maybe some cocktails for two.
I brought you an outfit.
Where we're going has a strict dress code.
Okay, I just need a minute.
Can I...
( SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE )
( DOOR OPENS )
BOAZ: Wow.
You look great!
Come on, baby,
down to paradise
Tell some stories
over cheese and wine
I can see the sun goin'
down in your eyes...
So, Carol, I've been meaning
to ask you since I met you
what qualities are you
looking for in a mate?
Oh, um... ( CHUCKLES )
I'm sorry, Boaz,
I was under the impression you had
some questions about Jesus of Nazareth.
Oh, yeah.
What is it that you like about that guy?
( CHUCKLES ) Well, um...
he was kind, handsome,
merciful,
forgiving.
He's the perfect man.
So, I guess, that's what
I'm looking for in somebody.
Looks like your Lord and me
have a lot in common.
We grew up in the same neighborhood
and we walked the same streets
under the same sunshine.
E-excuse me?
We're both Jewish guys.
Shall we dance?
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( MAN SINGING IN HEBREW )
So, Carol, tell me
do you want children?
Your hips say that
you can handle many.
Oh, well, your hips do spread
a little after childbirth.
- What?
- Oh, didn't Don tell you I have a son?
He's at the Wayne County
Correctional Facility.
Oh, he's in jail.
So I won't have to provide for him.
I don't want to provide for another's son.
Carol, wait!
Don promised me a night with you!
Don't go! He promised me!
Please!
I'm here with you
I'm here with you...
( MOTORHOME CLICKING, BACKFIRES )
DON: Carol, what on
Earth happened to you?
Are you all right?
Oh, well, I see my pimp has
finally decided to check up on me.
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talkin' about!
One night with Boaz?! ( STOMPS FOOT )
I'm no Potiphar's wife! ( CRYING )
I am so sorry, Carol. I-I...
he just said he wanted
to get to know you better.
- Did he hurt you?
- You know, Don, I think it's time you find yourself
a new research assistant.
( TIRES SCREECH )
( MUSIC PLAYING, MAN
SINGING IN HEBREW )
BOAZ: You are a really great dancer.
Aah!
( BOAZ GROANING )
Ow!
Ow!
Don!
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
Ooh!
We've got a major problem.
BOAZ: I hate this guy, man. This
lab tech guy, I hate this guy.
- He's a "dootchbag".
- DON: What'd he say?
He says that the press
have been hounding him
and hounding him and unless
he sees some money today...
- he wants it in cash.
- Wait a minute.
- You haven't paid him yet?!
- I haven't paid him because...
- Oh!
- Poon-Yen hasn't paid me yet. Okay?
So don't blame me, Don. Don't put it on me.
How am I supposed to bring the money?
Produce it from my anus?
( COUGHS )
DON: I understand we
owe you some money.
Hell, yeah, you do.
Well, we apologize for the delay,
our money's been tied up
in an offshore account,
but if you give us another day
or two we'll double your offer
maybe even throw in a bucket
of chicken or somethin'.
I need cash now.
That was the deal.
If you can't make that happen,
I'll send everyone the real results.
- It's that simple.
- DON: We... we understand.
Okay, drop the phone.
- DON: Oh, whoa. Boaz! What are you doing?
- BOAZ: Put the phone down.
Do you think I'm
fooling around, creep?
I said drop the phone!
DON: Boaz, put the gun down.
Please.
Oh, my Lord.
( GRUNTS )
- ( DON SIGHS )
- Get into the car.
Come on, get in the
trunk of the car.
- ( DON GROANS )
- Get in the Fiero!
Just... see if you can fit in there.
- Don, help get these...
- No! I'm not helpin' you do nothin'!
Tuck your knees together, maybe.
DON: You're gonna crush his skull.
He's not gonna fit in there.
Put that gun away!
Listen to me now, Boaz,
this just got real serious.
You better tell me right now
what you plan to do with this guy.
Make yourself comfortable.
If you promise to stay
put for the next few days,
you'll get 50 grand
and we can all pretend
like this never happened.
- Understand?
- Yeah, sure.
CAROL: As I surveyed the landscape
with our expedition
team, a large monolith
caught my attention,
and somethin' inside me
just knew that's where
we had to start digging.
So, following my lead, that
is precisely what we did.
And within minutes, we unearthed the skull.
It must have been the hand of
the Lord that guided us that day.
I don't know how else to explain it.
PASTOR FONTAINE: I understand
you've parted ways with Don Verdean.
Would you mind explaining
what happened, exactly?
CAROL: Well, after
a while, some people
start to chase money, I suppose.
But I am here to promote the faith.
Are you suggesting Don Verdean
made a pact with Lucifer, then?
Uh, no, no. No, Don is
an honest, gentle man.
He would never side
with The Dark One.
Not even if it were to
help him find the Grail?
( MUSIC PLAYING )
Put your hand in the hand
Of the man who
stilled the water
Put your hand in the hand
Of the man who
calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you can look at
others differently
By puttin' your
hand in the hand
Of the man from Galilee
My mama taught
me how to pray
Before I reached
the age of seven
- She said
- They'll come a time
When there'll probably
be room in heaven
But I'm feelin' kinda guilty
'bout the number of times
To do what we must do
But we forget what He said
Then we figure they'll
still make room
Put your hand in the hand
Of the man who
stilled the waters
Put your hand in the hand
Of the man who
calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you can look at
others differently
By puttin' your
hand in the hand
Of the man from Galilee
Everybody come a long
Put your hand in the hand
Of the man who
stilled the waters
Put your hand in the hand
Of the man who
calmed the sea...
How stupid is this Poon-Yen guy?
WOMAN ON INTERCOM: We are now inviting
those passengers with small children
and any passengers
requiring special assistance
to begin boarding at this time.
Please have your boarding
pass and identification ready.
Regular boarding will begin in
approximately 10 minutes. Thank you.
Ni hao ma.
How was your flight from the Orient, sir?
It was fine. When do
we leave for the Grail?
In 25 minutes.
We chartered a helicopter to take us
deep inside the Indian reservation.
They'll set us down about one
click south of the Templar cave.
Now, after that, we'll
have under three hours
to penetrate the cave, locate the Grail,
and rendezvous back at
our extraction point.
You're gonna need to wear this.
The cave is guarded 24/7
by Native American warriors,
we don't wanna take any chances.
All right, let's roll in!
POON-YEN: I got five helicopters
just like this at home.
I replaced all the engine
with Rolls Royce engine.
DON: That... that's
great, Poon-Yen.
( WHISPERING ) Okay, so our latest intel
says that the guards
work in 12-hour shifts.
It takes them 15 minutes to
ride the horse out of the canyon
and another 15 for the
replacement guard to ride back.
By my calculations we
got a 30 minute window
in which to fetch the Grail.
( WHICKERS )
Okay, now's our chance. Let's move.
POON-YEN: I can't believe
we're so close to the Grail.
I can feel its power inside me!
DON: Well, hopefully,
we can all get a cell.
All right.
Better get them lanterns
on. We haven't much time.
All right. Let's sally forth.
( SCREAMS )
- Maybe we should pray.
- You bet.
That's a great idea. Um...
Why don't you take the lead on this one?
Okay.
Dear Lord,
please guide us safely to
Your Holy Grail of wonders.
We promise to take good care of it.
Amen.
- Amen. That was good.
- Amen.
How you feelin'? We should get
that... you wanna power through?
I feel that God is on our side.
Well, let's sally forth, then.
Poon-Yen, this is all you, buddy.
( BOAZ HUMMING )
( GRUNTS )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
It's more beautiful than I ever imagined.
And to think that the lips of your Lord
graced this very cup.
Plenty of time to examine
it later. Put it in here.
Let's roll.
Come on. Let's go!
Head for the safety of the trees!
( GUN COCKS )
BOAZ: They're shooting!
- Hurry! Hurry!
- ( GUNSHOTS )
Get down! Get down!
BOAZ: The Indian guys.
They're shooting at us!
Do they know we have the Grail?
- ( GUNSHOT )
- I think we're trapped.
What should we do?
- They won't stop shooting!
- ( GUNSHOT )
- ( POON-YEN SCREAMS )
- ( BOAZ GROANS )
- I've been hit.
- Oh, no! Oh, no!
( SCREAMS ) Ow!
- Oh, my God!
- It's bad.
They must have hit an artery.
- It's okay.
- I need a tourniquet or a bandage or...
- tissue paper, anything!
- I'm sorry, Boaz,
I-I-I think this will take
nothing short of a miracle.
Oh! What about the Holy Grail?!
Poon-Yen, fill the Grail with water.
It contains the secret of eternal life.
- I'll go fill 'er up.
- Stay calm.
Just breathe.
He's bleeding really bad.
It hurts!
Just focus on God.
( GROANING )
Hold still. This could hurt.
- ( SIZZLING )
- ( BOAZ GROANING )
POON-YEN: It's working!
Praise the Lord!
I don't believe it because that...
I was in pain and now it's all healed.
It really is the Holy Grail!
- DON: Hallelujah.
- All right, let's go.
Yeah, I think we still may have
time to make the rendezvous.
( GUNSHOT )
( GASPING )
- Poon-Yen!
- ( GUNSHOT )
DON: Hey! Cease fire! Cease fire!
I thought you told them to use blanks!
They didn't have any blanks, I
told them to fire above our heads.
- ( GUNSHOT )
- Poon-Yen!
- ( MONITOR BEEPING )
- WOMAN ON INTERCOM: Dr. Odain, you're needed in Oncology.
Dr. Odain in Oncology.
What did you tell them?
I told them it was a hunting accident.
I wish that guy would
just hand over our money.
We gave them the Grail,
what more do they want?
- Shut up, Boaz.
- He can't understand me.
Can't speak English.
I should just stick him up
right now and done with it.
Listen here, Boaz.
You easily the stupidest man I've ever met.
Bringing you out here was the biggest
damn mistake of my entire life.
As soon as we pay off that
lab tech, you and I are done.
I don't ever wanna see or hear from you
ever again. You understand me?
Let's just call it quits
right now, then. Shall we?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't do this.
Hold on, now.
Don't do this, Boaz.
BOAZ: Come on!
Good riddance, Don,
you washed up, old hack.
Stay here.
WOMAN ON INTERCOM: Security
wanted in the parking lot three.
( ELEVATOR DINGS )
( PHONES RINGING )
( DON AND BOAZ SCREAM )
- Give me the case.
- No!
- Give me the case!
- No, Don, no!
- ( CHOKING )
- ( CELL PHONE BUZZING )
Open it up.
( PHONE CHIMES )
- ( PHONE CLICKS )
- Chang, it's me, Fontaine.
You're not gonna believe this,
but the Sherriff's department
just found the lab guy
locked up in a storage unit.
The GPS I stuck on their
car led 'em right to him.
So, I-I'm with the police.
We're waiting for some backup
and then we'll be right over.
Thank you so much for
your help with this.
We got 'em. ( LAUGHS )
- ( SIGHS )
- We were set up.
We were set up!
Poon-Yen was working for
Fontaine this whole time,
and his name is Chang!
He doesn't have a billion dollars.
( BEEPING )
They've been tracking us!
( SHATTERS )
( CLATTERS )
You better hit the road, buddy.
What about you? Where are you gonna go?
It's better if we split up.
( CAR ENGINE STARTS )
Stupid bastard. Stupid, greedy bastard!
- FONTAINE: Ah, that's him! Go, go, go, go!
- ( POLICE SIREN WAILS )
Oh, man.
Oh, no!
How do you do this? Is there a button or...
Hello? Somebody?
I'm in a-a police car
and we need a spike strip.
Get me snipers, get me SWAT.
I want to set up a roadblock
from Kern to Hawthorne.
Can't you ram them or something?
Let's see if you pigs can beat a Pontiac.
( ENGINE REVVS )
FONTAINE: Main Street!
They're on Main Street!
We're only going 35?!
Come on, step on it!
Do a pit maneuver or something!
BOAZ: Oh, man. Oh, no.
( SCREAMS )
- Don't shoot!
- FONTAINE: Get your hands up!
- Get your hands above your head!
- Don't shoot.
- FONTAINE: Get over here!
- MAN: We got him!
( GRUNTS )
You have the right to remain silent.
- Anything you say...
- That's enough, buddy.
Can be held against you. Okay.
You are done, man. You
and Verdean are done!
Tony Lazarus's church is crap!
- Huh? How does it feel?
- It feels great, man.
Yeah, I'm sure it does.
You had a hand in taking it down.
A huge hand, and I give
you a hand for that.
Get him out of here. Get him to jail.
( POLICE SIREN CHIRPS )
( SCREAMS ) Yeah!
Whoo!
( KNOCKS )
Carol. Carol!
I started a joke
Which started the
whole world crying...
I don't know how to tell you this, but...
( PANTING ) I'm a...
I'm a charlatan.
- I don't understand.
- I stole the Goliath skull
from a grave in Jerusalem...
and I buried it in Gath.
I never meant to hurt anybody,
I just wanted to give people
a reason to believe.
How long have you been doin' this?
It was just the skull.
- Carol, I swear.
- ( POLICE SIRENS IN DISTANCE )
If I have to spend the rest of my life
tryin' to earn your forgiveness, I will.
- I love you, Carol.
- OFFICER: Hey, get down on your knees.
Put 'em up! Right now!
I
Looked at the sky
Running my hands
- Over my eyes...
- Bye.
And I fell out of bed
Hurting my head
- ( CRYING )
- From things that I said
Till I finally died
Which started the whole...
We are standing just outside
the recently foreclosed on
Friendship Harvest Temple
where Pastor Fontaine is
accused of... there he is now!
- Not today. Get that thing out of my face.
- Pastor Fontaine,
what do you have to say about the misuse...
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Of church funds
- to hire local restaurateur Chang...
- Don Verdean is the fraud.
- Not me and that's all I have to say.
- Your actions were in fact
- fraudulent...
- This interview is done!
- Even un-Christian!
- Done!
Reverend Lazarus, what
has this been like for you
and for your flock since
Mr. Verdean was convicted
of fraud, larceny,
aggravated assault, and
accessory to kidnapping?
Well, as you can imagine,
it has been very, very difficult.
It's been tough times.
Tough for my marriage,
tough for my members,
tough for my very faith.
But I do believe that Don Verdean
has a good heart,
and I believe his heart
was in the right place.
So, Don,
I forgive you.
And if you are watchin' this,
I think the Lord forgives you, too.
Amen.
( BUZZER SOUNDS )
Let's go.
Whoo.
So, have you joined a gang yet?
Gotta join a gang, Don, I'm telling you.
I'm in the Jewish Brotherhood
with Todd Katzenberg.
Todd's a tough guy, man.
A good accountant, too.
We're called the "He-bros."
I can get you in...
but we might have to jump you first.
No, thank you, Boaz, I'm doin' all right.
Okay.
I made you something.
Check it out.
It's a toothbrush/shiv.
This part can brush your teeth,
this part is a knife.
Brush, stab. Brush, stab.
Take it, Don, I made this one for you.
It's okay, I've got another
one in my butt crack.
No, thank you.
Anytime,
anywhere,
any place.
I'll be here to protect you.
Shalom.
Shalom.
( INDISTINCT CHATTER )
Mind if I sit down?
My name's Don.
Hey.
Your mother named Carol?
- Yeah.
- I know your mother, son.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
- Sing it now
- Give me that old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
Make me love everybody
Makes me love everybody
Makes me love everybody
It's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
It was good for
all the children
It was good for
all the children
It was good for
all the children
It's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
It was tried in
the fiery furnace
It was tried in
the fiery furnace
It was tried in
the fiery furnace
And it's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
Oh, give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
It will do when I'm dyin'
It will do when I'm dyin'
It will do when I'm dyin'
It's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
It can take us all to heaven
It can take us all to heaven
It can take us all to heaven
It's good enough for me
Well, give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good enough for me
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
Give me that
old-time religion
It's good
Enough
For me.