Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, gonna talk about
a lot of stuff.
My parents are gonna see it.
They're the ones
in the other car.
My mom hasn't.
Yeah.
I want her to see what I do,
you know?
Yeah...
but you know,
if you gotta do that...
You know, you can't live
in fear.
You see I'm trying
to make a turn, right?
It doesn't matter.
But you see I'm making a turn.
You gotta pull all the way up
and fucking bother me.
You could have
just stopped back there.
This asshole's awesome.
He sees I'm making a left,
so he's gonna pull up to make it
hard for me.
New York is the best.
( Cheers and applause )
Hey, guys.
So cool.
Thank you guys so much for
coming, this is awesome.
This is so great.
How many of you guys know me
from my show, "Community"?
( Cheers and applause )
Great.
Just want to let you guys know,
this is gonna be nothing
like that.
This is gonna be a lot grosser.
I feel bad...
I feel bad for a lot of people
who come to the show,
like, people bring their
kids and stuff like that.
Like, "Oh, he's gonna do Troy
and Abed!"
And I'm just like,
"Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks,
dicks, dicks!"
And they're "Let's go!"
I mean, 'cause I did...
I can be gross sometimes
and I know it's bad.
I mean, 'cause I did a half-hour
special for Comedy Central,
and the way I got
that half-hour special
was I did an hour in New York.
I did an hour on my own
and Comedy Central was there,
and they were like, "We really
liked your hour."
I was like, "Oh, thank you,
man, that was really great."
They were like, "We would love
to give you a half-hour."
I was like, "Great,
I would love to do a half-hour."
They're like, "Great, but don't
do any of the shit
"you did in that hour.
It was disgusting, don't do it."
Did you guys hear
about that Spider-Man thing
that happened with me?
( Cheers and applause )
Okay, for those of you
who have a life,
basically what
happened was there was...
They were talking about
on this geek blog,
about making
Spider-Man, you know,
they're redoing it.
So they said that maybe
this new Spider-Man,
since they're making
it so quickly
after making
these other Spider-Mans,
maybe they should
make it real different,
you know, make it kind of,
like, dark and edgy
like "The Dark Knight,"
and put it in modern-day times
and stuff, and maybe...
You know, Spider-Man maybe
doesn't have to be white,
maybe he can be black or
Hispanic or something like that,
and then somebody put a big
picture of me in the comments
and was like, "Donald Glover
can play Spider-Man,
he's nerdy!"
And I was like, okay.
And somebody sent that to me
so I was like,
"Oh yeah, I'll put that up."
So I put it up on my Twitter
and I was like,
Oh, Donald for
Spider-Man, let's do this.
You know, kind of a joke,
but also, like,
who doesn't want to be
Spider-Man... That'd be cool.
And that's when the world
went crazy.
And half the world was like,
"Donald for Spider-Man!
"We're only gonna
watch the next Spider-Man
if Donald Glover's playing
Peter Parker!"
And the other half was like,
"He's black, kill him!"
Like, it was so fast.
It was so fast.
It was insane, like, you
were either very hot or cold
on the subject, and I didn't...
I didn't say anything,
I didn't do anything
during that whole time,
I just laid low, but I did read
one comment that was like,
"Oh, we're gonna make
Spider-Man black now?
"We're just gonna
make Spider-Man black now?
"That's what we're gonna do,
"we're just gonna make
Spider-Man black?
"That's what we're gonna do,
"we're gonna make Spider-Man
black now?
"Gonna make Spider-Man black?
Well, why don't we just have
Michael Cera play Shaft?"
And I didn't respond to
any of the stuff I saw online,
except for that one.
I wrote back,
"Uh, dot, dot, dot, yes!"
That would be fucking amazing!
Fucking Michael Cera
playing Shaft.
I'd watch that movie every day...
I'd go broke.
I'd go broke, just like, yes,
one more for "Shaft," please.
Like, I'd be there every day.
I mean, like, wouldn't that
be awesome,
to be watching the movie,
just be like, "Hey, Shaft,
what's going on, baby?"
"Oh, nothing.
Let's find some hoes."
Like, that'd be so awesome!
I'd watch that all the time.
The thing that bothered me
the most about that,
the thing that really
got under my skin,
was that people kept
bringing up Shaft.
Like I care about Shaft.
Like I must care...
He's black, he must love Shaft.
Like I give a fuck about Shaft.
Like, I'm like, oh no,
don't take our Shaft!
Like, I don't care,
I don't care about Shaft.
Like, it's just like...
Like Shaft was the black
Spider-Man
or something like that.
It's just like,
oh yeah, white people,
you guys get this dude who
swings from building to building
and saves people,
and black people, you get this
dude who slaps women sometimes.
Enjoy!
Like, what?
No, that's not okay.
He's not even a superhero.
He's just a black guy.
He's just a black dude.
You couldn't...
He's not a superhero.
You couldn't have no Shaft ride
at Universal Studios.
You couldn't have, like...
Yeah, what we do is,
we put you in the car
and then we set up like,
five women mannequins,
and then you hold your hand out
and you just slap 'em all.
Just slap 'em all.
$5, please.
That's ridiculous.
That really bothered me.
Like, no one... Like, Shaft...
I don't give a fuck about Shaft.
I don't care about Shaft.
The fact that they
kept assuming that...
Like I woke up every morning,
like, in my Shaft pajamas,
jumped out of bed,
ran down the stairs,
drank a cup of Shaft juice,
turned on the Shaft television...
I just realized "Shaft juice"
sounds like semen.
Don't wanna drink that.
That'd be gross.
I just like...
I was just doing some stuff
with, like, music,
and I just put out
that EP, and I was like...
( Cheers and applause )
Thank you.
And I was listening to it
in my car, I picked up...
Like, it was in the
mixing, and I was like,
oh, I want to see how it sounds
in the car
and I picked up
a friend of mine, she got in.
And she was like, "Is this you?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And she goes,
"You listen to your own music?"
I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
I listen to my own music."
Like, being a...
being an entertainer...
Being an entertainer
is the only job
where you can
enjoy your own stuff.
Did you know that?
It's the only job where you can
enjoy your own shit.
Like, if I made
sandwiches for a living,
like, if I made sandwiches
for a living,
like if I worked
at Subway or something,
I make sandwiches for a living,
and then I go home and I make
myself a sandwich,
nobody in here is gonna be like,
getting a little conceited,
aren't we?
Like, no one cares,
no one cares.
It's also the only job
where you have to keep proving
you can do it.
Like, you can...
You have to keep like...
Like, if you work at Staples,
you don't have to be like,
"Oh yeah, I know how to
move paper from here to here."
Like, you don't have to do that
every time you go in.
As an actor, I have
to prove I know how to act
every time I have to audition
and prove I know how to act like
I'm just gonna forget
how to act one day.
Like, I just won't know.
Like, I'll come back from summer
break, go to "Community,"
and they're gonna
be like, "Okay, and action!"
And I'll just be like...
"What are you doing?"
"I don't know! Is this acting?
Help, help!"
It's ridiculous.
But like,
I was talking about music.
I like music a ton, but the
problem is, is like,
I like weird stuff.
I like weird, crazy music,
like, weird people making music,
and we really don't have that
anymore.
Like, you know, we got
Lady Gaga and stuff like that,
but that's... I don't think
that's really weird.
I feel like that's
planned, like, I don't...
We need weird stuff.
But as an adult,
we're not really allowed
to be weird anymore.
Like, the older you get, the
less you can take weird stuff.
That's the truth.
Like, you can't take
weird stuff anymore.
Like, as a kid,
the idea of Santa Claus is
really weird and fucked up.
It really is, but you're...
Like for some...
Just like, "Hey,
there's this fat guy
"that comes in your house,
eats all your food,
"and he leaves little gifts
for you and while your parents
are sleeping,
he runs up the chimney."
You're like, "He gives me
gifts... cool."
You're just fine with it.
You're fine with that guy being
in your house.
As an adult, somebody's like,
"Hey man, 'Glee' comes on at
9:00 instead of 8:00 tonight."
You're like, "Fuck you, really?
"Why'd they change it?
Why'd they change it?"
Can't take any change
whatsoever.
But that's basically what it is,
is like, you know, I'm 27,
like, I'm about to
become who I'm gonna be
for the rest of my life.
Like, basically, once you hit
around your 30s,
that's who you're gonna be
for the rest of your life
pretty much.
Like, if you're conservative
and you're around your 30s,
you're probably gonna be
conservative
for the rest of your life.
If you're like, liberal,
and you're like, in your 30s,
you're probably gonna be liberal
for the rest of your life.
You know, if you're a girl
and you don't give blowjobs,
curl up to your nine cats
and your "Twilight" DVDs,
'cause you're gonna die alone.
You're gonna die alone.
Sorry.
I love that joke because guys
are always like,
"Well put, Mr. Glover."
But it's true,
like you can't take any...
Like, as you get older, you
can't take any weird stuff,
that's just the truth.
Like I know...
That Lady Gaga! Kanye West tour.
I was super stoked about that.
That was gonna be so awesome and
weird, it's gonna be so crazy.
I was having dreams about it,
that's how much I was excited
about it.
I was having dreams about it.
I was like, there's gonna be,
like, two big pillars on stage,
like, one big pillar here, like,
Lady Gaga's there
and her hair's,
like, blowing in the wind
and she's playing the bass,
like this, going...
like a huge bass,
but the bass isn't a bass,
it's just a huge tampon,
she's playing a huge...
She's just plucking at
a huge tampon.
And at the end of it
is Tony Danza's face.
He's just like...
He's just going, like,
crazy on there.
And then, like,
there's another one,
there's like, another
huge pillar,
and then, like, Kanye West
is on it, he's playing a piano,
but the piano's not a piano,
it's just a bear,
it's a live bear.
For some reason, he's playing...
And the bear's not eating Kanye
'cause he has so much respect
for him,
he's just, like, looking at him.
He's just like, "Oh, I want
to eat you,
"but you made 'Graduation!
You motherfucker!"
He's like, mad.
And then, like, in the audience,
there's like,
a big, clear beach ball
that everybody's pushing
and kicking around,
and in the center of
the big clear beach ball's
just this one lone baby,
just like, one lone, naked baby,
and he's not crying or anything,
he's just confused and shit.
He's like, why did my parents
put me in here?
I'm... I thought they loved me!
And I was like,
yes, that's worth $50.
I wanna see that.
And they canceled it.
They got rid of it.
They were like, it's too weird,
it's gay,
I don't get it, get rid of it.
That hit home for someone.
"It's funny 'cause it's true!"
Well, they got rid of it.
They canceled it,
and that's ridiculous.
That's crazy.
Only adults would do that.
Like, as a kid, we watched the
weirdest stuff and nobody cared.
Nobody...
You guys remember
"Muppet Babies"?
( Cheers and applause )
Let me refresh your memory what
"Muppet Babies" is about.
"Muppet Babies" is a show
about a lady
with no face
who takes care of a frog, a pig,
a dog that plays the piano,
and an alien named Gonzo
that fucks chickens.
And adults were like, "Yeah,
watch it, I don't give a fuck.
I got things to do, I gotta go."
No one cared.
You guys remember "Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles"?
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"?
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
sounds like
a homeless person's fever dream.
If you... If you were walking
down the street
and you saw a homeless
person and they were like,
"They're all named after
Renaissance artists
and their father's a big rat,"
you'd be like, "Get the fuck
away from me, man!"
I'm kind of obsessed
with homeless people.
I really am.
Because, I don't know, we have
a long history together.
We do, we have
a long history together.
Like, when I first moved here,
when I first moved here
from Atlanta,
like, the only thing
I knew how to do to make money
was to babysit, 'cause my
parents, like,
they ran a day care,
we had a lot of foster kids,
so the only thing I really knew
how to do was take care of kids.
So I had this job, I was
supposed to pick up this kid
and I was running late
and I was leaving a message
on the phone,
and I was like,
you know, talking,
and I wasn't really paying
attention to where I was going.
And a homeless man...
punched me in the face.
And I think he was like,
schizophrenic or something,
'cause he was like,
"Stop following me!"
And I was just like...
Just ran away.
So anyway,
I go and pick up the kid,
I pick him up, bring him
home, make him dinner.
His mom comes home,
she's like, "Hey."
She goes in the back room,
she comes back out and she goes,
"Hey, are you okay?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fine,
I kind of forgot..."
She's like, "Are you sure?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, what's wrong?"
And she plays me the voice
message I left.
And I didn't keep it,
but I remember it very well,
and it went a little something...
It went like this.
Boop.
"Hey, it's Donald, I just
wanted to let you know that
"I'm running a little bit late
picking up Ben,
but I just
wanted to let you know..."
( screaming )
"What'd you do?
"What'd you do?
I gotta hide!"
( panting )
"I'll hide in this tree!
"Get away!
"Get away!
Leave me alone!"
( sobbing )
"I want to die, I want to die."
That's pretty much
how it sounded.
So-
( cheers and applause )
Thanks.
So I've had a lot of run-ins
with, you know,
like, homeless people
and stuff like that.
And you know, I lived in
Downtown LA,
and Downtown LA is kind of like
the '80s decided to stay there.
They're like, oh, yeah, you guys
go ahead and be the '90s,
go enjoy Ace of Base.
We'll be here,
practicing the Moonwalk
and selling crack.
Like, that's
everything in Downtown LA.
And I... You know, I'm hanging
out in Downtown LA
and I would always have...
You know, I would have,
like, parties or something
or watch movies
and stuff like that
and I'd have girls over
and I'd always had to walk them
back to their car.
Like, they ask me,
like, can you walk me back?
And I'm like, sure.
And around the seventh time,
I was like,
wow, every girl who comes over
asks me to walk them
back to their car,
like, no matter what time.
And like, I realized,
I was like,
Oh, they're afraid they're gonna
get attacked
or raped or something,
and I was like, oh, my God,
like, that's ridiculous.
Like, as a grown man,
I never think of that,
like, that's never in my head.
Like, oh, will I get...
Like, rape isn't right around
the corner for me
like it is for women,
which is so messed up.
Like if someone...
Like, I'm an adult male,
I'm a grown man.
Like, if someone
was gonna rape me, like,
someone's gonna attack
me and rape me,
like, they had to be, like...
Like, real tricky about it,
you know?
Like, real tricky.
Like, I'd be, like, going in
the movie theater,
I got my popcorn, you know.
About to go see, like,
a movie with a bunch of
explosions in it.
Just like,
"Hey, what's going on?
"Sorry, man, sorry.
"Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just
trying to get through.
"It's 'The Expendables.'
"Sorry, excuse me, trying...
"Sorry, all right.
Ah!"
And then I see, like...
Then I see, like, a man dressed
like a chair running away.
Goddammit!
"What up, man?"
"Nothing...
I got raped again, man."
"Can you believe this?
No, I don't want to watch
'Expendables' anymore."
I was hanging out
in my neighborhood
and this girl was jogging
and we started talking
about a rape that had happened
in the neighborhood,
and we were talking about...
"Oh, this is awful,
this is so messed up.
I can't believe this happened
so close to us."
And she goes, "Yeah, well,
"if anybody ever
tries to rape me,
I'm just gonna shit on 'em."
"Yes, I will.
I have no problem."
Uh...
Two things, lady.
Number one, he's a rapist.
So his tolerance for gross stuff
is probably pretty high.
It's probably pretty high.
Number two...
you can shit on command?
Like, you can just...
You can just poop
whenever you want to?
Just be like... Hyah!
He's like, "Oh God, no!"
Like... You can poop
whenever you want?
Like, you got...
You're a national treasure.
Like, you can...
You got more superpowers
than Shaft
if you can
poop whenever you want.
That's amazing, okay?
No, I can't poop
whenever I want.
Somebody can run down...
down the stage right now
and pull out a gun and be like,
"Shit yourself!
Poop yourself right now!"
I'd be like, "Blow my head off."
I can't do it,
I can't do it, I'm not...
Me and my butt are, like, always
on the third date, I feel like.
I feel like, me,
I'm always like, come on,
let's... hurry up, let's do this.
And my butt's always like,
stop rushing me,
when the time is right.
I'm not in love yet.
That was me in a domestic
dispute with my... with my butt.
But with all this, like,
crazy stuff going on,
with like, you know, rapes and,
like, earthquakes and all this...
I know, I put, like,
rapes and earthquakes
in the same category.
Like if my sister was like,
"I got raped yesterday,"
I'd be like, "Did you
hear about that earthquake?
"It was like a 4.5.
It wasn't huge,
but it was big enough."
They're not the same thing.
But with all this crazy stuff
going on,
people feel like it's
the end of the world.
Like, people just...
People talk about...
Like, people say this is
the worst time.
I was talking to my dad the
other day and he was like,
"Oh man, things are so bad, man.
"Things are so bad out here,
I'm sorry, I just like...
"It feels like this is
the worst time to be alive, man.
"This is the worst time
to be alive.
"I'm sorry, son.
It's the worst time
to be alive."
And that's bullshit.
That's crap, that is total crap.
This is the best time
to be alive ever.
This is the best time there has
ever been to be human and alive.
That's the truth.
( Cheers and applause )
It's the absolute truth.
Do you realize, like, just
a couple hundred years ago,
just a couple hundred years ago,
people could come into your
village, your community,
whatever you want to call it,
people could come in there,
just a bunch of them,
kill you, rape your wife,
sell your kids into slavery
and people would be like,
"Well, what'd you expect?"
"It's nighttime."
"My hands were tied,
the sun went down."
You couldn't get away with
that stuff now.
Somebody would Twitter that
shit, it would be everywhere.
Be like, "Someone killed my mom
"and sold me and my brother
to Greece.
W-T-F?"
It would be everywhere.
People say the same stuff
about rap music.
People are just like, "Oh, rap
music now, oh, it sucks so bad.
"Rap music now sucks.
"Now, back in the day,
that was the good rap music.
"That was where the good rap
music was at.
"I'm gonna walk around with my...
Yeah, that's the good
rap music."
No, it's not.
Have you ever listened to rap
back in the day?
It's always
some dude being like:
Well I went to
the hat store today
And I bought myself a hat
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
It's like, "Nigga...
Nigga, I don't want to hear
your hat stories."
So lame.
You know, I think people don't
like rap nowadays
'cause they say it has,
like a bad influence on kids,
they have, like, a bad influence
on kids.
And I grew up
with a bunch of kids,
like, my mom ran a day care
and we had foster kids
and we had adopted kids.
I know kids pretty well
and I've got to be honest,
kids are pretty fucked up
anyway.
They're awful people.
They're tiny, tiny little
Hitlers, all of them.
They're all awful.
No, seriously.
The thing that makes everybody
in here a good person
is empathy and sympathy.
When you learn, like, "Oh, I'm
not gonna punch that person,
'cause if he punched me, I
wouldn't like that, so yeah."
When you learn that, that's what
makes you a good person.
Kids don't have that yet,
so they're awful, awful people.
They're terrible people,
they don't have it yet,
that's the honest-to-God...
You ever see those kids
in the supermarket?
They're just walking around,
they're just like...
Just screaming
and their mom's like,
"Zachary, Zachary,
I mean it, Zachary.
"Zachary, Zach... Zachary,
remember?
"Remember, Zachary?
"Remember the... 'dolphin.'
"Remember, 'dolphin'?
"Remember we made
the secret word
"that means you need to behave?
"'Dolphin' is the word,
I just said it,
"so you need to
behave, you understand?
"You understand, huh?
Okay-r.
Like the kid's gonna be like,
"Oh, you're right,
we did agree upon that."
"I'm gonna stop pissing
in this Nutella jar
and really...
really start behaving."
He's three years old,
he doesn't know.
He... He can't even talk.
He can't even talk,
he doesn't speak English yet.
If... That's the thing,
when they're going, like...
And they're screaming
and they're spitting
and they're screaming
at their mom,
they're not saying anything.
That's because
they don't know words yet.
If they could talk, they'd be
cursing their mom out.
They would.
They'd be like, "Oh yeah, Mom,
I'm just gonna...
"Yeah, I'm just gonna
eat this cookie for dinner.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna eat this
cookie for dinner,
"it's not a big deal,
I'm just gonna eat this...
"What are you doing?
What are you doing?
"Oh, you fucking bitch!
"You knew I wanted that cookie
for dinner
"and you put it
somewhere I couldn't reach it.
"You're dead, you're
fucking dead.
"I'm gonna tell Dad
"and he's gonna beat the living
shit out of you.
"Dad, Dad?
"This cunt that you married
"put a cookie somewhere
I couldn't reach it.
"Fucking kill her.
I'll wait."
That's what's in a kid's head.
Kids are awful.
Kids are awful people...
You want to...
You want to know a testament
to how awful kids are,
how terrible kids are?
Um, I was walking
down the street in LA,
just walking down the street
from a restaurant,
from one of my
favorite restaurants,
and I had, like, a bag
full of food,
and it's right
across the street from a school.
And I saw two kids fighting
over a basketball.
They're like...
Fighting over it,
I'm just walking by.
And one of 'em just goes,
and just pulls it.
And the other one goes,
"That's why your mom's
in a fucking wheelchair!"
And I dropped my shit,
I was like,
Wha... Wha... What?
You can say that?
You can say those words in that
order and you don't explode?
Like, the people police don't
come down from the sky,
like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
this person's a demon.
"I didn't even know...
I don't know how...
I don't know how he got out."
That's the most awful thing
in the world.
Nobody in this room
could get away with that.
If you went to work tomorrow
and it was like,
"Hey man, Dave is
being a real jerk today."
"Yeah, I know, what's going on?"
"I don't know, but that's
why his mom's
"in a fucking wheelchair.
"All right, I'll see you later,
I'll see you later.
Basketball later?"
"No, no basketball later.
I'm not playing with a monster."
Tiny Hitlers.
All awful.
Seriously, that's why
I wear condoms.
I'm not having a baby.
I'm not ready to have a baby.
And I know a lot of people
are just like,
"I wear condoms 'cause
I don't want to get AIDS."
But I gotta be honest,
I'm sorry,
I'd much rather
have AIDS than a baby.
Sorry, AIDS beats baby
by this much.
Seriously.
People get all upset when
they hear that.
Think about it, they're
not that different, you guys.
They're not that different
at all.
They're both expensive, you have
them for the rest of your life,
they're constant reminders of
the mistakes you've made,
and once you have them,
you pretty much can only date
other people who have them.
What's the difference?
What's the difference?
The only difference is,
you can't go to jail
by accidentally dropping AIDS.
So AIDS wins by this much.
I'm serious,
I mean, like, people...
At least people, when you
have AIDS,
people are, like, aware of it
and people want to help you.
People feel sorry for you.
Like, people want to
help you out
and make other people aware of
that when you have AIDS.
People don't give
a shit when you have kids.
No one's just like, "Yeah, man,
I'm living with kids."
"Been kids-positive
for about five years now.
"I lost a lot of my friends in
the '80s to kids.
"We're doing a kids walk
tomorrow and just...
"I'm sorry, one of
my kids coughed in my face,
I have to leave," like, no...
No one cares.
And it's weird...
Like, I remember, here's...
I was babysitting this kid once,
this mean kid,
and I remember the first time
I saw him, I opened the door
and there were tears
streaming down his face,
tears streaming down his face,
but he wasn't crying.
He wasn't crying.
Just tears, he was giving me
this mean mug, he was like...
I was like, what the fuck is
wrong with this kid?
What's going on with this kid?
I found out later that his
parents were very organic
and they wouldn't let him
have any sugar,
they wouldn't
let him have any candy.
He would... The sweetest thing
he was allowed was mints.
He was just
allowed to have mints.
So he would steal mints
by the handful.
So his breath was so fresh...
the vapors from his own mouth
made his eyes water.
Like, he'd be like, "Hello!"
And then like...
Just, they would just bleed...
It was crazy.
I would take him to the park,
right?
Washington Square Park,
and all the babysitters
in New York
for some reason are Trinidadian.
They're all Trinidadian
babysitters.
And I would take him to the park
and I was the only boy there,
you know, I was hanging out.
You know, they were cool.
You know, we'd trade jerk-
chicken recipes and stuff.
And he... he was just
a mean-spirited kid,
like, he kind Of...
Like, he watched HBO
just a little too early
and was just kind of a mean kid
in general,
so he would just
come through and just...
He wanted to get to his slide,
so he just pushed over this
little girl, she fell over,
and her Trinidadian babysitter
comes over and goes,
"Hey!
You leave that little girl
alone."
And he goes, "Shut up."
And she goes, "Don't you talk
to me like that,
I am a grown-up,
you will respect me."
And he goes, "Suck my dick!"
And the lady goes...
I shit you not...
The lady goes,
"Someone betta get this little
niglet away from me."
And I fell out
because I have never heard
the word "niglet" before!
I never heard...
My brain started...
I was like, niglet,
I haven't heard that one!
It was, like, insane.
Like, the first thing that came
to my head was, like,
the name of a band or something,
like, everybody give it up for
Bobby Johnson and the Niglets!
And like, three little kids in
like, slim-fit suits come out.
They sing, like, exclusively
Hall & Oates songs.
I was like, "niglet!"
I was taking him home while it's
still in my head.
I was like, niglet, like,
is that like the black version
of Piglet, like, Niglet?
One of 'em's just like,
"Hey, I'm Niglet!"
And like, Pooh's at the door,
he's like,
"Oh, come on, man,
it's 3:00 in the morning,
you smell like malt liquor."
"Shut up, I'm Niglet!"
Like... And like, I couldn't...
I couldn't even get mad
at the slur
because there's just something
about racism that's funny...
when it's tiny, you know?
When it's tiny, it's just
hilarious for some reason.
Like, if a tiny Klansman ran
onstage right now and was like,
"Get off stage, you nigger!"
I'd be like,
"Look at the little guy!"
Pick him up, tickle him.
"I'm gonna burn a cross
on your lawn,"
like, "Shut up,
you little motherfucker.
Get out of here!"
"Aw, I mean it!"
That'd be hilarious.
It'd be like a messed-up
Webster.
We'd like,
share a split-level house.
He's going up the stairs with
his tiny cross.
And he's like, "Hey, Donald."
"Yeah?"
"I hate you."
"I hate you too, tiny Klansman.
I hate you too."
It's funny how, like,
the N-word still comes up in
weird places.
It does, like,
it's strange 'cause, like,
it doesn't really affect me
like I'm sure
it does like it used to.
Like, I don't really think about
it, it doesn't really come up
and like, I don't really
care about that shit,
but it still
comes up in weird places.
Like, I like...
Like, I write raps,
so sometimes I will write them
in my iPhone,
so I was like, writing, you
know, the N-word in my iPhone,
N-I-G-G-A, I was writing
the N-word.
And my iPhone goes,
"Did you mean 'niggardly'?"
And I was like, "No, iPhone.
"I meant 'nigga.'
Write it."
But then, like, two weeks later,
I was writing "jigga,"
which is the shortened
form of Jay-Z, J-I-G-G-A,
and my iPhone goes, "Did you
mean 'nigga'?"
And I went, "Whoa, iPhone!"
"You do not get to say that."
I like to... I like... You know.
I've said this
in my raps before.
I like to date the black girls
of every culture, you know.
Like Filipinos.
They're like the black girls
of Asians.
Armenians, who's like
the black girls of white girls.
And I was dating this
Armenian and...
Someone's racist.
Armenians!
Oh, God, but seriously,
who were you dating?
I was...
No, I was dating this
Armenian girl
and we were making sex.
I was having sex with her.
I know, I wish I could start
every sentence that way.
Just like, "I was having sex
with this girl,
and enjoy 'Black Swan.
"Oh, I liked that.
I liked the part where he said
he was having sex."
But I was having sex with
her and we were towards...
towards the end, and she goes,
"Fuck me harder
with that N-word dick."
And I stop,
look at her right in the eye...
and I came harder than
I've ever come...
before.
It was so awesome, you guys,
it was so great.
Like, I was like, wha?
Like, I couldn't believe it.
Like, it was almost worth being
black my entire life.
It was so great.
It was so great, I actually felt
bad for white dudes, I felt bad.
I was like, you guys'll
never have that!
You'll never have that...
what do you guys have?
"Cracker dick"? That's not...
That's not sexy at all.
That sounds like a virus
you pick up on a cruise ship.
Like, yeah, you've got
cracker dick.
Yeah, just hold it
together, I don't know.
People always want to know
who can say the N-word
and who can't say the N-word.
You know, like people always...
You know, I've got a lot of
white friends.
And they're all
just kind of like,
"Oh man, I wish I could
say that stuff.
"It sounds so cool
when you say it in rap songs.
Like, I want to say that,
it sounds cool."
And I'm just like, oh,
it doesn't really, like,
do anything...
it's not that great, you know?
Like, it still comes up in
weird places, like...
You know, like that niglet joke?
I told that joke in Alaska,
and Alaska, for some reason,
has a large deaf population.
So they hired a woman to do
sign language with me
for that joke,
and she comes up to me
and she goes,
"I'm sorry, but are there any
terms or phrases in your act
"that don't exist
in sign language
that I have to make up
on the spot?"
And I was like...
"Yeah.
Niglet?"
And she goes, "Oh."
There's already a term for
"niglet" in sign language!
They already have it!
Deaf people have been saying
"niglet" for years!
For years!
A nigga that is tiny,
that's what that means!
Was it... Why is this "nigga"?
Why is this... This is...
I feel like it should be...
Or... Way, way before this.
I've done this walking
down the street.
Like, when my nose itches,
I've done that
and I feel like deaf people
were looking at me like,
"That motherfucker's racist."
"That guy hates his own people."
But like I was saying,
people always want to know
who can say it and who can't
and it doesn't help me,
it doesn't help anyone.
Like, it doesn't...
Like, being black
and being able to say, like,
the N-word doesn't help at all,
like, no one's ever...
I'm not gonna get a job
off of it or anything like that.
It's like,
"This dude is extremely
qualified for this job...
"but this guy can say nigger
whenever he wants.
Which one do we choose?"
Like, no one cares.
But there is one person
in the entire world
I know for a fact
who can say the N-word,
who isn't a minority.
There's one person,
there's one dude.
There's one dude in the entire
world who can say the N-word
and he's not a minority,
he's not black.
And that one person
in the entire world
who can say the N-word is...
Charlie Sheen.
"Why does Charlie Sheen get to
say the N-word, Donald?"
I will tell you, audience.
The reason Charlie Sheen
gets to say the N-word
is because Charlie Sheen,
before all this crazy stuff
happened two years ago,
got in a fight on the phone with
his ex-wife, Denise Richards,
and just straight up
called her a nigger.
Just called her... Just called
her the N-word, like literally.
He was like, "Listen here,
you nigger!"
Like, really,
really gave it to her,
and I'm sorry, give that man
the NAACP Award.
That is...
Seriously, that is amazing,
think about it.
A white dude called
a white woman a nigger.
Straight up,
he didn't say, like,
"I hope you get raped by..."
Or something like that.
You know, he didn't
Mel Gibson it, like, he just...
totally just called her...
I'm sorry, and that's amazing,
that really is an amazing thing,
like, think about it.
Like, see, black people
use the N-word for everything.
We use it for everything, like,
mother, brother, sister,
like, love, hate,
we use it for everything.
I called a seat belt a nigger
earlier today.
I called a seat belt the N-word.
I was putting on the seat belt
and I was like...
"Nigga, if you don't..."
I called it...
it just needs a little flavor,
so I gave it the N-word.
You never...
Like, we use it for everything.
You never see any other
minority...
You never see white people just
using it, you never see that...
Just using it for everything.
Like, you'll never go in Ikea
and see, like,
two white undergraduates
from NYU just holding...
just holding up, some,
like rugs and being like,
"What do you think of this rug,
Denise?"
"I hate green."
"Oh, stop being a nigger,
what do you think?"
You'll never see that.
You'll never see that,
and that's the problem,
it has to become a bad word
for everybody.
I hate it when
black leaders are just like,
oh, we're getting rid of it,
everybody's got to stop
saying it.
No one... Like,
rappers will still say it
because you told them not to.
That's what makes them badasses.
Like, you got... Everybody's got
to start saying it.
Everyone, like white people.
Like, you guys have got to start
saying the N-word.
You guys gotta start saying it.
We will lose some of you
in the process.
Not all of you
will make it home.
But you'll be dying for a good
cause, it'll be great.
I saw a lot of
white people here just like,
"No, I would never... Uh-uh.
"Not me, I won't be doing that.
I will never...
I would never do that."
And let's be honest.
White people have been getting
pretty bold with the N-word
lately anyway.
Like, seriously,
I was at a Kanye West concert.
I was at a Kanye concert
the other day, right?
I was at a Kanye concert and he
was doing "All the Lights,"
and you know how
"All the Lights" starts.
He does like three...
three parts of a verse
and then he gets to the end,
and then he holds the mic out
for the N-word part
and everyone was like,
"Nigger-
Like, everyone, everyone.
And I was in...
I wasn't in Detroit,
I wasn't in South Africa,
I was in Texas, where they make
white people.
I was surrounded by
white people and I was like,
what the hell just happened?
And they all looked at me like,
what you gonna do?
It's a Kanye concert,
we outnumber you.
I was like, okay.
I'm, like...
I just got out of a relationship
that was, like, pretty, like...
Pretty hard.
Like, I mean...
'Cause I was, like...
Really, like, fell
for this girl.
And the thing is, like,
well, I learned a lot,
which is always good.
Like, you want to learn from
stuff like that
and like,
one thing I did learn...
I guess the biggest thing I
learned was, like, if...
If a conversation starts with,
"What did you mean by that?",
it is not gonna end with,
"Oh, now I know what you
mean by that."
"Let's go to Game-Stop."
Never happens.
The thing is, is like dudes
are pretty...
Like, we're pretty simple.
We're dumb, but we're simple.
Like we're very simple.
Like every dude pretty much is
like, oh, I woke up,
now I want to eat, did I eat?
Now I want to fuck, did I fuck?
Time to sleep again.
That's pretty much all...
That's all dudes.
Girls, they're,
like, individuals.
Like, all of them very
individual, very different,
and sometimes they will want
two opposing things
at the same time,
like two opposing things,
which is crazy to me,
like that's insane.
Here's a perfect example,
is Destiny's Child.
You guys remember
Destiny's Child?
Destiny's Child?
Yeah, Destiny's Child.
Women love Destiny's Child.
And remember what their first
big hit?
Their first big hit?
"Bills, Bills, Bills."
Remember that?
"Bills, Bills, Bills"?
Every girl in here is like,
"Yes, I do, I remember that.
Totally do,"
because it was just like...
Everybody was just like, can you
be... can you be responsible?
That was that whole song.
Can you be responsible?
Can you pay my bills?
Can you be a man
who provides for me?
Can you be... can you be there?
Are you responsible?
Can you be there?
And then we were like,
yeah, sure, yeah.
Dude, we can do that,
we can totally do that.
Not even a year later,
they come out with another song
called "Soldier,"
all about dudes who smoke weed
in the middle of the street
and shit, with two pit bulls
working out.
It was like, hey,
Destiny's Child,
make up your fucking mind, okay?
The dude working out
in the middle of the street
is not the dude
paying your bills.
I've never... I've never been...
I've never seen a 245-pound,
buff,
like ripped dude
wearing no shirt
wearing a bandana
and sunglasses,
holding a briefcase
at the bus stop, like,
"I'm gonna be late for
my data-input job at Google."
'Cause it doesn't exist.
You can't have a thug
and a working man.
They're not the same.
You can't have it,
like, that's...
I hate this "Sex & the City" guy
that every girl is looking for
where it's just like,
"Oh, he makes chairs,
but he also fixes babies."
That doesn't exist.
That dude doesn't exist, okay?
Being a girl and
wanting that type of dude
is kind of like being a dude
and being like,
"You know, I want a girl who
will willingly do butt stuff.
But I also want a girl who
wasn't molested."
Doesn't exist.
Doesn't exist.
No girl wants a penis
in the butt.
Sorry, guys-
No girl wants a penis
in the butt.
Penises are gross.
That's why we talk about them
all the time
and hold 'em and stuff,
'cause we know they're gross.
We're trying to talk 'em up like
a used-car salesman.
We're trying
to make 'em sound cool.
It's kind of like your friend
who bought a Zune
when everybody
else bought an iPod.
He keeps talking about
how awesome it is.
He's just like, oh, mine
has bigger battery power
and it picks up the radio.
It's like, "it's still a Zune,
nigga... nobody wants it.
Put it away."
"Obama has it!"
"Get out of here."
I'm sorry I'm being so crazy.
It's weird.
I mean, like, I grew up with,
a bunch of, like, kids,
and that's basically how
I learned all about,
like, insane stuff,
like all the crazy stuff
we used to do,
was like, that's
how we did it, and you know,
I want to make people happy.
And it's hard to find that
balance sometimes,
because like, I know I'm gross.
People laugh, but some people
think it's kind of gross, too.
But I always try to make
people happy.
Like, when I was a kid, like,
we had a bunch of kids come
and we had my cousins coming
over once,
all... like eight cousins.
They're all coming and I wanted
to do something,
like, special for them,
I wanted to do something
really cool,
so I used my allowance money,
which took me a long time
to get.
I had like... I get like a dollar
or two dollars, like, a week,
so I saved $20 and I went
to the store
and I bought all
the stuff to make s'mores.
And I was like, oh, I'm gonna
make s'mores with my cousins,
it's gonna be great.
I was like, this is my money, I
can do whatever I want with it.
I'm an independent woman.
So, like, I buy all that stuff
and then, I like,
take it home
and all my cousins are there
and I'm, like, handing out
the stuff.
But I bought two for me.
Like, I was like, it's my money,
you know, it's my money.
I'm gonna get two for me,
I'm the oldest, it's my money.
I'm gonna get two s'mores for
me, everybody else can get one.
It was just like, okay, cool.
I hand out the s'more stuff,
we're all getting crazy
and stuff, we're really excited,
and one of my cousins just looks
at it, looks at me,
and then he just goes...
(squishing sound )
It's not warmed up or anything,
he just took all the ingredients
and crushed them in his hand.
He was just like...
Just looking at it.
All my other cousins were like,
what the fuck is his problem?
What is going on with him?
He's a weirdo.
And he's just like... whatever,
so we make our s'mores,
they're really good,
we're making all our s'mores
on the stove
and we're just, like, oh,
this is so good, mm, mm, mm.
And he's just like...
"I broke it, my s'more,
I want a s'more."
And like, I was,
like, "You messed up,
"I'm sorry, dude, I don't know
what to do.
You... I saw you do it."
And my mom was like, "Donald,
give him the s'more."
And I was like, "What?"
She's like, "Just give him
the extra s'more.
He's crying,
give him the extra s'more."
And I was like, "No!
No, no, he can't have it,
this is mine."
Just like, "Donald, don't be
selfish, give him the s'more."
I'm like, "No!"
I was, like, crying.
I was like, "No, please!
This is my s'more, I did it
with my own money!"
She's like, "Donald,
you're being selfish,
this is your cousin, be nice to
him, give him the s'more."
And I'm like...
And I give him the s'more
and he's like...
So, you know, I've been getting
a little more famous lately.
You know, I'm on TV and stuff
like that,
so a lot of relatives
have been reaching out to me
and stuff like that.
So this cousin...
I find him on Face...
He contacts me on Facebook
and he's like,
"Hey, man, what's going on?"
I'm like, "Oh, hey,
how's it going?"
It's like, oh, we catch up,
we're going back and forth.
Like, "Oh, man, it's so great."
"Oh cool, how you doing?
I saw you on TV."
I'm like, "Oh, thanks,
man, that's really cool."
He's like, "Man, you're doing
big things,
that's awesome, man,
like, great."
"Thanks, man,"
he's like, "Yeah."
I'm like. How are you?
He's like, "Yeah, man, I...
"I got this girl pregnant, man.
I don't... I don't know
what to do."
And the first thing
that came to my head was...
good.
I'm glad.
I'm glad you're in a dilemma.
'Cause you ate my s'more.
I hope he comes out
and he's a giant s'more
and you crush him in your hand,
because that's what
you do to awesome stuff.
That's how fucked up I am.
This guy's having a serious
dilemma, like a serious thing.
This will... It's gonna change
his life forever either way
and I'm like, good!
That $2 s'more.
Yes, success, revenge!
So ridiculous.
I like... 'Cause, like...
You know...
'Cause that stuff is important
to you when you're a kid.
That stuff is really important.
Like, that was like the world
to me as a kid.
Like, we like...
'Cause kids love sugar.
Like, my brother, Steven,
loves sugar.
He loves sugar.
And I remember, like,
we weren't allowed to have
any sugary cereals as a kid,
we weren't.
We just weren't allowed
to have any sugary cereals.
And, like, my mom would,
like, get us...
Like the two cereals we were
allowed to have
was Cheerios and Kix,
and Cheerios is like
cardboard doo-doo,
and Kix is kind of
like the handjob of cereals.
It's like, a little sweet,
it's like...
It's the handjob of
cereals, 'cause it's like,
this is pretty good, but...
you know what I really want.
So, like, we would always go to
the store and my mom...
And my brother would be like,
"Mom, can we get Cocoa Puffs?
"I really want Cocoa Puffs!
Can we get Cocoa Puffs?
I want Cocoa Puffs!"
And my mom would be like,
"No, no, no, no, no,"
like, "No, we're not getting
Cocoa Puffs,
no sugar, no, no, no, no."
And then one day my brother
just snapped.
He just snapped.
He was just like, "Mom,
everyone's eating it!"
My mom goes...
grabs it and goes, "Fine."
Throws it in the cart
and just walks away
and me and my brother go, what?
It was that easy?
So we go home, we go home
and we're like skipping around,
we're like, yes, yes, yes!
We're gonna get Cocoa Puffs,
this is gonna be so awesome!
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
I can't wait.
Oh, this is gonna be so great,
we get to tell everybody at
school we had Cocoa Puffs!
And she...
My mom was a Tupperware woman.
And my mom goes over
to the cabinet
and does the most devious thing
I've ever seen anyone ever do.
She takes a big Tupperware
container meant for cereal,
like, one of those big things
that you pour and stuff,
opens it up, takes
a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs,
like, just the top, like 1/4th
of the Cocoa Puffs,
pours it in there, like...
Then takes a big 'ol box of Kix,
pours like the
whole thing on top of it,
shakes it up.
So like, the ratio is like,
13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff,
like, it was like one spot
of brown...
It looked like a Kanye concert.
That's what it looked like.
It looked like a Kanye concert.
She takes the box and slides it
across the table
and was like, "There you go."
And my brother's just like...
( crying )
And continues to pour himself
a bowl!
You bitch!
How could you ruin this?
Like, crying.
But he still ate it!
That's how much kids love sugar,
that's how much
my brother loves sugar.
He was an addict.
He could have been like,
fuck this,
I don't need this, whatever...
He was like,
"No, no, I still want it!
I still want it!"
It's just like, if you love
pizza and then a dude's like,
"Hey, you like pizza?"
"There you go!"
You're not gonna be like,
"Oh, you asshole!
You asshole!"
Don't eat the pizza!
Don't eat it!
There's not people lined up
around the block,
just like a Domino's,
like, "Oh, come on, baby.
I used to be a lawyer."
Don't eat it.
Like I said, like, I grew up
with a lot of foster parents...
foster kids and stuff like that.
Like, I mean, like, my parents
were my parents,
I never had foster parents,
but like, we had a lot of kids
going through there.
And that's how I learned about
all the stuff in the world,
like sex and all
that crazy stuff,
'cause they would talk
about this crazy stuff.
I'd be like, what?
Like, I was so, like, sheltered.
Like, my parents did a good job
about that.
Like, they did, like...
And it would be weird,
because I remember
we would have kids coming in.
And Dimarco's like
my little brother,
and he's adopted, but we had him
since he was little,
so he's like, my real brother,
for all intents and purposes,
like, he was there
since he was a baby.
So, like, I would mess with him
like he was my little brother,
like, I'd be on the top bunk
and he'd be on the bottom bunk,
I'd be on the top and be like,
"Hey, Dimarco."
He'd be like, "What?"
I'd be like,
"When you fall asleep,
I'm gonna piss in your mouth."
"stop!"
And my dad would be like,
"Quiet down in there!
I'm trying to
masturbate in the den!"
You can't do that stuff to kids
who have been in the system.
You can't do that stuff
to kids who have been in...
like, in house after house,
like, because they've been in
the system too long.
They're too rough.
Like, I tried to pull this stuff
on this kid named, like, Teddy.
I tried to pull it.
You know, I was, like,
on the top bunk and I was like,
"Hey, Teddy."
And he was like, "What?"
And I was like,
"When you fall asleep..."
"... I'm gonna pee
in your mouth."
And he was like,
"You piss in my mouth, I'm gonna
bite your dick off."
And I was like, "Good night!"
Like, terrified.
Like, every Saturday morning,
we would come down
and we would, like,
rule the whole house, 'cause
there was, like, a bunch of us,
not including my cousins that
would come over sometimes,
and some kids my mom
would babysit.
So there's like a bunch of us,
there's eight of us
just jumping around,
banging around the walls,
just like going crazy
and my mom would be like,
"Get these kids out of here,
they're driving me nuts."
And my...
Where do you want to go?
Where do you want to go
on a Saturday morning
more than anywhere else,
where do you want to go?
Where?
Where?
Park.
Park, I heard park.
Chuck E. Cheese makes me
really sad.
Someone had a stepdad.
"Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese,
whatever.
I'm gonna go call your new mom."
Oh, "new mom" hit a sore spot
for a lot of people.
No, but it was like...
Yeah, you go to
Toys R' Us, guys.
Toys R' Us.
That's where you want to go.
Toys R' Us was
the illest place on Earth.
It was so dope.
Like, Toys R' Us was so dope,
you didn't even need to go home
with anything.
That was how awesome it was.
Sometimes you just
want to hang out there,
just look at all the new stuff,
get on bikes,
like, ride 'em in the aisles.
And somebody'd be like,
"Hey, get off that,
you can't do that!"
And you'd be like,
"Oh, I'm sorry."
And as soon as they turn
the corner, you'd be like...
"Ahh, fuck you!"
Just run around, be awesome.
But like, we would always ask
to go to Toys R' Us.
We'd go, like, "Dad,
Dad, can we go to Toys R' Us?
We really want to go
to Toys R' Us."
My dad would be like, "You guys
want to go to Toys R' Us?"
We'd be like,
"Yeah, we really want to!
Let's go to Toys R' Us!"
He'd be like,
"Well, get in the van.
We're like, "Yes, we're going
to Toys R' Us!
We're going to Toys R' Us,
we're going to Toys R' Us."
Toys R' Us dance.
We get in the van, we're like
all happy and stuff,
like, yes, we're going to Toys
R' Us, we're going to Toys...
We're going to Toys R' Us!
Toys R' Us!
Toys R' Us!
And we never went to Toys R' Us.
We never went to Toys R' Us.
We always went to fucking
Auschwitz for kids,
fucking Home Depot.
Fucking worst...
Worst place on Earth.
Fucking hate Home Depot.
I hate it.
It's the worst place, 'cause
that's where your childhood
goes to die, it really is.
It's where your childhood
goes to die.
The second... The one day
you walk into a Home Depot
and you're like, "Oh, knobs,"
you're dead.
You're dead inside.
'Cause all of us have had that
moment when we're at Home Depot
and was like, "Oh, that's a cute
little mailbox."
Bury your dreams 'cause
you're not a kid anymore.
You're dead.
And we would always go in there
and it's the worst place
as a kid,
it's the worst place ever,
because you want to touch stuff,
you want to hang out, and then,
just a bunch of
quiet adults
looking around like,
"Oh, don't touch that,
that's sharp.
Hmm, I can make
my house a mansion."
No, you can't.
You can't make your house a
mansion with a bunch of 2 X 4s.
Like, it's not gonna do
anything.
So it was me,
my brother and this new kid
we had just gotten named Terry,
and he was new, brand new.
And we go in there, we're like,
"Hey, come on, let's go."
He's like, "What?"
And we go to the toilet section
and we pretend to take shits.
Like, that was a fun thing.
We'd go to the toilet section
and pretend to make poops.
Like, we'd go over to the toilet
and be like...
"I ate a lot of beans," like,
and that was, like, a fun thing.
"Ooh, I must have had
a lot of fruit."
Like, that was, like
the fun... the fun thing to do.
And Terry went over and took
a real shit.
And I remember it so vividly
because he pulled down
his pants.
And I remember thinking...
he doesn't have to do that.
And he sat down
and he just goes...
And he gets up.
And me and my brother
look at each other.
And no one in here knows fear
until you've seen a dry turd
in the middle of Home Depot...
at 11:00 a.m. in the morning.
People are eating waffles
and jogging.
People are like,
"Muah, I love you, honey,
I'm gonna go to work."
And someone pooped in the middle
of Home Depot.
And I think my brother
kind of lost it for a second.
He kind of went crazy
for one second,
'cause he was like...
"I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna try and flush it."
I was like, "What are you
talking about?
"There's no water!
"We're in the middle of
Home Depot!
We're right by
a washing machine!"
And like... We're freaking out.
"We're dead, we're dead,
we're gonna die.
"We're dead meat.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die,
we're dead meat."
And then, like, I look over at
Terry and Terry's freaking out,
he's like, "I don't wanna go
back to the house.
I don't want to
go back to the other place."
And I just grabbed him and I was
like, "Get it together, Terry!
"Get your shit together.
"We are no longer children.
"You took that
away from us, man.
"You took that away from us.
Get your shit together."
So, we're freaking out, like,
"what are we gonna do?"
And I'm like, "Okay,
I'm the oldest, I'm the oldest.
Okay, I'm the oldest."
So I run to the toilet-seat
section,
pick up a toilet-seat box,
and just put it on top.
Still in the box,
just a box with a picture of
a toilet seat on it,
on top of a turd.
And I look at my brothers
and I was like,
"Let's just fade away, guys.
"Blood oath, right?
Just fade away."
And then for, like...
like for five minutes.
Like, my little brothers, like,
they hid underneath some, like,
2 X 4s for, like five minutes,
and like for ten minutes,
I hid in, like, some rakes.
Just be...
super quiet.
And for the next five minutes,
we were the most well-behaved
kids in Home Depot history.
Like we were the most...
Like kids are just going,
"I don't wanna be here."
And we were like,
"What's wrong with that kid?
Need a back massage, Dad?"
And my Dad was like, "Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's... What's going on?"
And we, like,
look at him and he goes,
"You want to go to Toys R' Us."
"All right, well, you didn't
have to work that hard,
it's okay."
And he goes and me and my
brother look at each other and...
"What the fuck?
"We... we gotta shit in stuff
more often.
We have to poop
in stuff more often."
But we look over at Terry
and Terry's losing it,
he's never
lied like that before.
So he's just standing there...
He can't look at my dad,
he's like, freaking out,
shaking and stuff like that,
I'm like, "Terry,
we're almost home-free.
"Just hold on,
we're almost there.
Just hold on, we're
almost there."
And that's when we hear it.
That's when we hear the loudest
sound I've ever heard
in my entire life.
And it was...
"Oh, my God!"
And it was the...
oldest Asian woman
I've ever seen,
just on the ground, like...
"Poop!
Poop"
And she didn't know much
English, but she knew "poop,"
and she was screaming it.
And the manager runs over,
he's like,
"What's... what's wrong?
What's going on?
What what-J'
"Oh, my God!"
Like, he's screaming.
"Someone pooped in the toilet!"
And then, like,
adults run over there.
"What's going on?
Oh, my God, who did this?"
Everybody's screaming, crying
and stuff like that.
It was like the end of
the movie "Se7en" and shit.
Everybody's crying.
Morgan Freeman was there,
he's like,
"Oh, how can someone do this?"
Like, everyone's going nuts.
I've never seen this many adults
cry in my entire life.
Never.
And the thing that gave us away,
the thing that gave us away
was that everybody,
everyone is running,
everyone is screaming,
everyone's crying...
and me and my brothers
are like statue kids.
We're just staring at my dad
just like,
maybe if we don't move
and we don't breathe
like normal kids do,
he'll know that
everything's fine
because we haven't
moved for 20 minutes.
And he looks at us,
looks at the poop,
looks back at us
and goes...
"Let's go."
And we all ran out.
You guys have been so awesome.
Thank you guys so much,
I really appreciate it.
( Cheers and applause )
Night.