(MUSIC PLAYS)
(HORNS HONK)
MAN ON TV: AFTER SEVEN YEARS
OF ADVERTIZING MY ELECTRIC
FOOD DEHYDRATOR
AND BEEF JERKY MACHINE,
I'VE DECIDED...
POP, PLEASE.
NOT WHILE WE'RE EATING.
(TV TURNS OFF)
THANK YOU.
SO THE LAKERS ARE
LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR, HUH?
I THINK KOBE'S GONNA
TAKE IT ALL THE WAY.
I HAVE NO APPETITE.
MOM WOULD WANT YOU TO EAT.
HAPPY NOW?
I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE.
THINK YOU MIGHT GO OUT TODAY?
MAYBE CHANGE IN TO SOMETHING
THAT DOESN'T SCREAM JOHNNY CASH.
YOUR MOTHER LOVED
JOHNNY CASH.
SHE LOVED ALL MUSIC,
ESPECIALLY AMERICAN IDOL.
NOBODY VOTED MORE
THAN YOUR MOTHER.
NOBODY.
SHE WAS CRUSHED
WHEN THE JESUS FREAK
BEAT OUT THE FAGELA.
(GRUNTS) DAD...
WHAT DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT USING THAT WORD?
HERE WE GO.
I CAN'T TALK IN MY OWN HOME?
IT'S MY HOME TOO.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY "GAY?"
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ALL GAY.
YOUR COUSIN MARVIN'S A FAGELA
AND I'VE NEVER ONCE
SEEN HIM SMILE.
OK. ENOUGH WITH THE HOMOPHOBIA.
YOU'RE SO MISERABLE HERE. GO.
I WISH. BUT I PROMISED MOM
I WOULD STAY HERE
AND TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I SHOULD GO LIVE
WITH YOUR BROTHER.
HE TREATS ME LIKE A KING.
WELL, THE SOONER THE BETTER,
YOUR MAJESTY.
I'M SORRY, POP.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
I COULD DO FOR YOU TODAY?
YEAH. YOU COULD KILL ME.
BUT THEN
WHO WOULD TORTURE ME?
MAN ON TV: ...MOUTH WATERING
PORK LOIN ROAST.
NINE JUICY
1/4 POUND HAMBURGERS.
FOUR BIG,
HEALTHY SALMON STEAKS.
("HELLO DARLING"
BY PIERRE DE REEDER PLAYS)
(SIGHS)
WOMAN THROUGH SPEAKERS:
DESIRE RAGED IN EVERY PORE
OF HIS BODY.
A FLASH OF HEA POUNDED HIS LOINS.
FOR SHE WAS A SIREN.
HE MARVELED AT THE SUPPLE ARCH
OF HER BEAUTIFUL BACK,
HER TINY WASTE TAPERING
TO A HEART-SHAPED DERNIER.
HE CROUCHED IN FRONT OF HER
SEATED FORM. CHAPTER THREE.
"LET ME LOVE YOU,"
HE WHISPERED.
SHE WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH
TO RESIST THIS.
"NOTHING ON EARTH CAN QUELL
THE FLAMES OF MY HEART."
DESIRE AND SHINE...
OH, MY GOD!
IT IS MY DREAM WEDDING DRESS.
WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT HAS NO BEADING.
AND I LOVE BEADING.
FORGET IT. THIS SUCKS.
ALLEN, CHILL.
WE'RE PREPARED FOR THIS.
YOU GOT A PRENUP.
MOLLY, IS DEB IN?
YES, MR. DORFMAN.
(TYPING)
HEY, DEB, I'M OUT OF HERE
AFTER LUNCH TODAY.
GOT TO GO SCHMOOZE WILLIAMS.
YOU FINISH HIS NUMBERS?
-YEAH.
-I NEED YOU TO PULL UP
ALLEN KLEIN'S PRENUP.
AND I NEED THE TAX ANALYSIS
FOR THE LINEAR CITY AUDI BY WEDNESDAY.
UH...DONE AND DONE.
AND ABOUT MY RAISE,
YOU SAID THAT YOU
WOULD SLEEP ON I A MONTH AGO.
I'M GIVING YOU
SOMETHING BETTER--
A NEW 17.3-INCH LAPTOP.
I'LL SEE YOU SUNDAY, DEB.
YOU'RE MY ROCK!
-YOU'RE MY ROLL.
-ROCK AND ROLL!
SO I SAID TO MYSELF, "LEEANN,
LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE COACH
AND ANSWER THE QUESTION.
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?"
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT I ANSWERED?
A RALPH LAUREN MENORAH?
DON'T MAKE FUN
OF MY MENORAH COLLECTION.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GO TO CONVERSION CLASS
AND HONOR THE TRADITIONS
OF OUR HEBREW PEOPLE.
SORRY. OK. SO WHAT IS I THAT YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?
I NEED A BABY.
BUT YOU HAVE A BABY,
NAMED DANIEL. HEH. BOOM.
UHH...
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, DEB.
YOU JUST CRACK JOKES
TO HIDE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS.
WELL, 'CAUSE NOBODY WANTS
TO LISTEN.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE'RE HERE FOR YOU.
WELL...
OK. YOU KNOW, LEEANN,
THE TRUTH IS I'VE REALLY
BEEN MISSING MY MOM LATELY.
DEB, THE PAST IS THE PAST.
LET'S FOCUS ON THE FUTURE.
OUR CLOCKS ARE TICKING.
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
OUR BOOBS ARE GOING
TO BE SAGGING
AND OUR FACES WILL LOOK
LIKE OLD PRUNES.
WOW. NOT JUST PRUNES.
OLD PRUNES.
YEAH. DON'T SURRENDER, DEB.
GET IN THE GAME AND FIGHT.
ASK THE QUESTION.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
OK. SO WHAT DO I NEED
TO BE HAPPY?
WELL...
I NEED TO KNOW
WHY THIS TABLE IS SET FOR FIVE.
OH, NO. LEEANN, NO. NO, NO.
NOT AGAIN.
DEB, YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE.
AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE HUGH.
NOW HOPEFULLY, SOMETHING
IN MY CLOSET WILL FIT YOU.
COME.
WELL, IT WAS ALMOST A DISASTER.
BUT I FINALLY CLOSED OU MY PIED-A-TERRE ON PARK AVENUE.
GREAT. DO YOU STILL HAVE
A CONDO ON CABO?
AH, GOD NO. I FLIPPED THA FOR A RANCH IN TELLURIDE.
COOL. DO YOU STILL HAVE
A CITATION?
NOPE. TRADED THAT IN.
HAD TO HAVE A GULF STREAM.
WOW. DO YOU STILL HAVE
A REALLY SMALL DICK?
(SNORTS)
YOU HAVE TO EXCUSE MY DAUGHTER.
SHE'S EITHER
AN IDIOT OR A LESBIAN.
SORRY.
ALLEN, I DID CHECK.
AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S NEW
BREASTS CAN'T BE WRITTEN OFF.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
-COME ON, DEB.
DORFMAN, BUSY?
NO, TELEMARKETER. HATE THEM.
JAY, COME IN.
(SIGHS) IT'S BEEN A DAY.
AND I NEEDED TO SEE
YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE.
OH.
HEH. NO. (SNORTS)
IT'S ONLY BEEN A MONTH
AND FOUR DAYS.
-SO WHAT'S WRONG?
-OH, THE USUAL.
JUST WAITING
FOR MY NEXT ASSIGNMENT.
OH, WHERE'S YOUR DOOFUS BROTHER?
PROBABLY
ON THE SIXTH HOLE ABOUT NOW.
HE TOLD ME
YOU BOUGHT A LOFT DOWNTOWN.
JUST MOVED IN.
THE PLACE IS A TOTAL MESS,
LIKE MY LIFE.
OH, YOU'RE GREAT.
YOUR LIFE IS...GREAT.
YOU JUST FEEL A LITTLE LOS WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON A STORY.
NOBODY KNOWS ME LIKE YOU DO.
GREAT VLOG LAST WEEK ON SOMALIA.
THOSE KIDS
JUST BREAK YOUR HEART.
IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ALREADY
DEAD INSIDE.
I LIVE WITH A KID LIKE THAT,
MY DAD.
DEB, OK, YOU GOTTA BREAK FREE,
GOT TO HAVE SOME FUN.
DON'T I OWE YOU DINNER
FOR THAT PEP TALK
WHEN I WAS IN CAMBODIA?
IT'S TWO DINNERS ACTUALLY.
IT WAS, UM,
SOMALIA AND CAMBODIA. SO...
IT'S FINE.
OK. ROYAL CLAYTON'S TONIGHT,
DOWNTOWN, 7:00 PM.
TAKE THE METRO.
BECAUSE TRAFFIC IS GONNA
BE CRAZY.
WHERE IS ROYAL CLAYTON'S?
GOOGLE. OK.
THIS IS LIKE A FELONY TO ME.
SO TRY TALKING TO IT.
OH. OK.
CIAO.
BYE.
IT TAKES A VILLAGE
TO RAISE A CHILD.
IN MOGADISHU, SOMALIA,
THE REBEL GROUP AL-SHABAAB
IS RAISING CHILD SOLDIERS.
MOST ARE ORPHANS
FROM THE CIVIL WAR,
HUNGRY AND HOPELESS
WITH NO SCHOOLS,
NO EMPLOYMENT,
AND NO SOCIAL SKILLS...
I LOVE HIM.
("HOW ARE YOU DOING?"
BY THE LIVING SISTERS PLAYS)
(APPLAUSE ON TV)
ALL RIGHT, POP,
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN TONIGHT.
-'CAUSE I GOT A MIXER
AT THE TEMPLE.
-LIAR.
THERE'S CHICKEN SOUP
ON THE STOVE.
YOU JUST NEED TO REHEAT IT.
I HAVE NO APPETITE.
OK. YOU'RE GOING
TO WANT TO TRY IT.
I ADDED A NEW INGREDIEN TO MOM'S RECIPE.
RAT POISON?
("GO AWAY" BY THE NUCC PLAYS)
OH. CLOSE.
-ALL RIGHT, WHO'S UP NEXT?
-HEY.
-YOU MADE IT!
-YEAH. HI!
THESE ARE MY NEW NEIGHBORS.
CHELSEA AND VRONKA.
THIS IS DEB.
HI.
I LOVE YOUR DRESSES.
SO DID YOU GET YOUR ASSIGNMENT?
STILL WAITING TO HEAR.
WAITING. WAITING.
OH, PLEASE. TOSS ME CRUMB.
LIKE FILTHY PIG DOG.
THAT CRAZY BITCH IS BIPOLAR.
OK. YOU GIRLS PLAY NICE
OR GO HOME.
THIS CITY IS NOT MY HOME.
KRAKOW IS HOME.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
OH, A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.
I'M FROM THE VALLEY.
EW.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
-VIBRATING. THIS COULD BE KABUL.
-OH.
-IT'S MY PRODUCER.
ANDREW, YES, HEY.
UH, WAIT 'TIL I GET OUTSIDE.
GOD, HE'S SO BRAVE.
SO ARE YOU IN TO JAY?
THAT BOY IS SO HOT.
NO, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
HE'S BEST FRIENDS
WITH MY OLDER BROTHER.
AND SO HE REALLY THINKS OF ME
AS A LITTLE SISTER.
YOU KNOW, SO HE JUST CALLS ME
WHENEVER HE NEEDS A PEP TALK.
BUT WHEN HE DOES CALL,
IT'S SORT OF LIKE
TIME STANDS STILL.
NOT THAT--NOT THAT I BELIEVE
IN THAT CRAP. (SNORTS)
WHAT DO YOU DO, VALLEY GIRL?
I'M AN ACCOUNTANT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU'RE SOME SORT OF
PROFESSIONALS, I'M GUESSING.
WE'RE MODELS.
OH. THAT'S EXCITING.
YOU KNOW,
WE NEED A NEW ACCOUNTANT.
OUR GUY IS ALWAYS IN REHAB.
OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD CALL ME.
HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
I'M NEVER IN REHAB.
"DEBORAH DORFMAN."
OH. YOU'RE JEWISH ACCOUNTANT,
HUH?
-IS THAT A PROBLEM?
-NO. IT'S MORE LIKE, YOU KNOW.
CLICHE.
WHAT, LIKE YOU BEING
A POLISH ANTI-SEMITE?
-I'M SORRY.
-SUCH EXCELLENT RETORT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LOVE THIS BITCH.
-OH.
-DORFMAN.
YES? WELL, KABUL?
-I LEAVE SUNDAY.
-YES!
-GO GET 'EM, JAY.
-OH, I WILL.
OH, MY CAT.
WELL, I CAN'T BOARD ELMER.
HE'LL FREAK.
OH, ELMER.
HEY, YOU GUYS,
COULD YOU WATCH HIM FOR ME
WHILE I'M GONE?
-I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.
-I DON'T DO LITTER.
I DO CATS AND I DO LITTER.
SO I DON'T DO CATS. UM.
CLEAN--I CAN--
I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH YOUR CAT.
YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
YES. I WOULD DO
ANYTHING FOR YOU.
-HIGH FIVE.
-KABUL.
-KA-BUL! YEA.
WOW. KABUL.
YEA!
SUNDAY DINNER IS A SACRED
TRADITION IN THIS FAMILY.
LIKE YOM KIPPUR OR HANUKAH.
OR THE SUPER BOWL.
NOBODY LOVES THE SUPER BOWL
MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.
WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO DEB?
SHE'S SO INTO HERSELF.
("SAFE IN L.A."
BY GOLD MOTEL PLAYS)
HI.
OK. OK. NO TIME FOR A TOUR.
-HERE IS THE KEYS.
-OK.
AND I WILL SKYPE.
THE COMPUTER'S ON THE DESK.
THE TV DOWNSTAIRS IS BROKEN.
SORRY.
IT'S OK.
THERE'S A GREAT SHABU-SHABU
PLACE AROUND THE CORNER.
YOU GOT TO CHECK THAT OUT.
WHAT ELSE?
I LEFT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING
UPSTAIRS. THANK YOU.
AND, UH,
IT IS SUCH A MESS IN THERE.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
I'LL GET ALL YOUR STUFF
UNPACKED FOR YOU.
AND IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
YOU NEED?
(SIGHS) EVERYTHING.
ART ON THE WALLS, PLANTS,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO--
HEY, IT'S ME. DORFMAN.
YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF ME.
(ENGINE STARTS)
ELMER.
IT'S YOUR AUNTY DEB.
OH...POOP.
SIX DAYS.
(SNORTS)
NO WAY.
OH.
MY PRESENT.
THINGS TO SEE.
AND POSSIBLY SHARE.
-IT WILL BE DONE, ELMER.
(MEOW)
BECAUSE NOTHING ON EARTH CAN
QUELL THE FLAMES OF MY HEART.
(MEOW)
-OH!
(YOWLS)
BERT, YOU BARELY ATE
TWO BITES OF DINNER.
AT LEAST HAVE SOME FLAN.
YOUR MOTHER COULDN'T EAT FLAN.
IT GAVE HER PHLEGM.
IT'S BEEN
OVER A YEAR ALREADY, POP.
YOU GOT TO SNAP OUT OF THIS.
I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A BUMMER
FOR YOU, DANIEL.
I'LL JUST SIT OUTSIDE
AND HOPE THE COYOTES GET ME.
("FAST AS I CAN"
BY NADIA FAY PLAYS)
(MEOW)
ELMER, STOP, YOU LITTLE BRAT.
(MEOW)
-BETTER GET USED TO ME.
I PLAN ON SPENDING
A LOT OF TIME HERE.
WOMAN ON IPOD:
HE WAS DETERMINED TO BRING HER
TO THE PINNACLE OF ECSTASY
AS THE HEAT OF THEIR PASSION
WHIRLED AROUND THEM,
COCOONING THEM IN SILKEN
STRANDS OF PLEASURE.
DESIRE TOOK ON A FINE,
SHARP EDGE.
(PHONE RINGS)
THIS IS DEB.
I THOUGHT POP
WAS GETTING BETTER.
DEB: HE IS. SIX MONTHS AGO,
HE WOULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.
AND NOW HE WON'T STOP
WATCHING QVC.
YOU KNOW HOW MOM LOVED
THAT STUFF. GOD, HE ADORED HER.
TRUE THAT.
I MISS MOM. I EVEN MISS IT--
YEAH, DEB, I AM CLUELESS
ABOUT HOW TO HELP POP.
YOU GOT TO GET SOMEBODY ELSE
TO WATCH JAY'S DOG.
CAT, NO. NO WAY. JAY NEEDS ME.
YOU CAN HANDLE POP UNTIL
SATURDAY. I'LL BE HOME THEN.
COME ON. YOU'RE MY ROCK, DAN.
ROCK AND ROLL.
OK.
(DOGS BARKING)
HEY. I'M LIL G. AND YOU ARE?
OH, I'M DEB. I'M JUST STAYING
IN 719 FOR THE WEEK.
I'M CAT SITTING.
OH. AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY,
D-TOWN DEB?
OH, I DON'T REMEMBER.
I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC
THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF
FROM ENCINO.
WELL, TOMORROW, YOU MIGH WANT TO TRY TAKING THE METRO
TO THE VALLEY.
NO STRESS, NO MESS.
OK.
GOD, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING HERE.
YOU PROBABLY STOPPED
TO GET THE MAIL.
I CAN DO THAT.
-HI.
-HI.
FRIEND OF JAY'S?
UM, YES, I AM CAT SITTING
FOR A CAT THAT HATES ME.
AND CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME
WHY WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY
TO PUT A MAN IN OUTER SPACE
BUT WE CAN'T MAKE A MAILBOX KEY
THAT ACTUALLY OPENS AND--
YEAH. AND A THOUSAND
PIECES OF JUNK MAIL.
THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT THE PLANET NEEDS.
WE SHOULD KILL MORE TREES
AND SMALL CREATURES--
YEAH, I HATE JUNK MAIL.
THIS IS AN INVITE
TO MY ART OPENING FRIDAY.
OH.
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN
LIKE JUNKY JUNK MAIL
LIKE STUFF YOU DON'T WANT.
JUST EXTRA PAPER...NEVER MIND.
THANK YOU. SORRY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I'D LIKE TO PAINT YOU.
PUT PAINT ON ME
OR PUT PAINT ON A CANVAS?
I'M MARRIED.
-I'M GAY.
-OH, GOOD.
-WET PAINT.
-OH.
-NICE TO MEET YOU, DEBORAH.
-DEB.
NO, NO, NO, DEB.
DEB IS CUTE, SWEET,
PEOPLE PLEASER.
YOU'RE A DEBORAH.
OK. AND YOU ARE?
ROOM 518 IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
WELCOME TO D-TOWN.
THANK YOU.
COOKIE.
(MAN GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
HUH, POP?
NOW YOU GIVE IT A TRY.
OR THERE'S VIRTUAL BOXING
OR VIRTUAL GOLF.
(PHONE RINGS)
LEEANN TEXTED ME FROM UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S IN THE BABYMAKING WINDOW.
SO I GOT TO GO PERFORM.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT VIRTUALLY?
(LAUGHS)
YOU MADE A JOKE, POP.
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW, YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE
LOVED BEING A GRANDMA.
SHE WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT.
POP, DO YOU THINK
I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD FATHER?
ARE YOU KIDDING? THE GREATEST.
GO. GO. GO. MAKE A BABY.
THANKS.
THE ONLY TEARS
THAT YOU SHED WITH THIS MACHINE
WILL BE TEARS OF JOY.
(APPLAUSE ON TV)
HMM.
OK.
WHERE AM I GOING
TO PUT EVERYTHING?
WHAT?
HI. SORRY.
UM, WELL, YOU SAID
IF I NEEDED ANYTHING.
SO HERE I AM
WITH A PRE-THANK YOU GIFT.
UM, YOU DON'T HAVE A TOOLKI THAT I COULD MAYBE BORROW
AND THEN MAYBE YOU COULD COME BY
AND HELP ME MOVE A FEW THINGS?
WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND?
MY--
RIGHT. HE, UM...
HE'S A TOTAL LIE.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
OK. NOW WHAT?
WOMAN ON IPOD:
HER LIGHT BREATH FEATHERED
THE HOLLOW OF HIS CHEEK.
WHEN HER TONGUE
TENTATIVELY TOUCHED HIS,
HE WAS SWEPT INTO A SWIRLING
MAELSTROM OF LONGING.
HER EYES WERE DILATED
WITH PASSION.
AND SO HE DRIFTED EVER LOWER,
FINALLY HALTING TO TEASE
THE BUD OF HER BREAS DRAWING IT AS INTENSELY
AS HE DARED INTO THE DEPTHS
OF HIS MOUTH.
HER LEGS OPENED FULLY WIDE,
LIKE A BUTTERFLY'S WINGS
ON A SPRING MORNING--
(SKYPE RINGS)
-OH, DON'T HANG UP!
WOO. UH. I'M COMING!
DON'T HANG UP.
I NEEDED TO GRAB A TOWEL.
OK. UM...
WHAT DO I PRESS?
HI? HI! HI.
HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
IS EVERYTHING OK?
SO FAR.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
YOUR LOFT IS SUPER COOL.
YOU'RE COOL.
HA. (SNORTS) NO.
YOU ARE.
(MEOW)
-OH, I THINK SOMEONE
WANTS TO SAY HI TO YOU.
HEY, BUDDY.
HI. SAY, "HI, DADDY."
HI, DADDY. HE MISSES YOU.
WOW. HE LET YOU HOLD HIM?
KIND OF. HE'S REPENTING
FOR DIVE BOMBING ME
THE FIRST DAY HERE.
HEY, BUDDY. WE'RE GOING
TO BE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.
HI.
MAN: HEY, JAY,
THE HUMVEE'S HERE!
OH. I GOT TO GO.
LOOK, YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.
I LOVE YOU GUYS. SEE YOU SOON.
LOVE YOU TOO.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
COMING!
HEY!
OH.
IF IT ISN' MY GAY FRIEND COOKIE.
WHAT KIND OF NAME
IS COOKIE ANYWAY?
IT RANKS RIGHT UP THERE
WITH APPLE.
-MORNING PERSON, HUH?
-HMM.
WHOA. PERSONAL SPACE.
OH, PACKING PEANUT.
-OH.
-RELAX.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME?
WELL, YOU DID GIVE ME
A REALLY FINE BOTTLE OF WINE.
YEAH. I DID.
DID YOU AND YOUR CALIENTE
GIRLFRIEND ENJOY MY WINE?
NOPE. SAVING I FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
OH.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
SO...
WHAT'S...
THAT'S ME TELLING YOU
TO DO YOUR CREATIVE THING
AND BE ARTSY AND TELL ME
WHERE TO...
OK.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
NO, NO. YOU'RE THE CREATIVE ONE.
SO ARE YOU.
JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT.
YEAH. I'M SO NOT FUN. SORRY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
WHITE WALL. PEANUTS.
YOU NOT HELPING.
SUCK IT UP, DEBORAH.
YOU NEED FURNITURE MOVED,
ANYTHING AT ALL, I'M YOUR MAN.
WAIT, WAIT. OK.
SO I KNOW THAT JAY LOVES PLANTS.
SO I'LL START THERE.
WHERE DO I GET PLANTS?
THE PLACE IS AMAZING.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY JUST DELIVER.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
OK. WHATEVER HE JUST SAID
ABOUT ME, DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HE SAYS YOU GOT BIG HEART.
HOW DO YOU SAY THANK YOU
IN FARSI?
NO CLUE. I AM EGYPTIAN.
OH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I JUST...
-PERSIAN?
-NO, WE'RE NOT ALL PERSIAN HERE.
MOST BUT NOT ALL.
(SPEAKING ARABIC)
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.
SO YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO WALK ME TO THE METRO?
SUCK IT UP, DEBORAH.
YOU JUST NEED TO BE
YOUR BADASS SELF DOWN HERE.
WATCH.
NOW YOU.
-YOU BAD?
-(SCOFFS) YO MAMA.
YEAH!
NICE.
(SPEAKING ARABIC)
GIVING THOSE TO YOUR
HOT CHA-CHA GIRLFRIEND?
SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
THESE ARE FOR ME.
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF, DEBORAH.
BYE.
I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS
TO WALK ME TO THE METRO.
HE GAVE ME 20 NOT TO.
GREAT.
HOW MUCH ARE THOSE?
HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU?
OH, MY GOD.
THEY HAVE RED VELVE WEDDING CAKE. WHAT?
HEY, MOLLY. I NEED A MAKE UP
GIFT FOR LEEANN.
AGAIN?
SHE'S DYING FOR
THE DURA ROSE GOLD PARISIAN.
GET A GRIP. THAT'S WAY OVERKILL.
-MORNING.
-CAN I HAVE THOSE?
DRIVE THESE OVER TO MY HOUSE
ON YOUR LUNCH BREAK
WITH A CARD SAYING,
"I LOVE YOU, BABE."
-UNH.
-OH, I KNOW.
I GOT SLURPEED BY THE CUTES TWO-YEAR-OLD SOCIOPATH.
OH, LEEANN PREGNANT YET?
-WELL, SHE'S--
(PHONE RINGS)
OH, I GOT A CALL.
HEY, IT'S ALLEN.
HEY, ALLEN.
OH, I HEAR YOU, BUDDY.
WE'LL DO THE FRONT NINE
THIS TIME.
OH, HEY, REALLY BIG FAVOR.
MY BRIDAL SHOWER IS THIS FRIDAY.
AND I STILL DON'T HAVE
A MAID OF HONOR.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MARRIED
AND HAPPY AND LA LA.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY
SINGLE GIRL I KNOW. SO...
IT'S AN INSULT AND AN HONOR.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
YOU--I WOULD TOTALLY HUG YOU,
BUT YOU ARE REALLY GROSS
RIGHT NOW. SO, UNH.
OK. I HAVE A CLEAN SHIR IN MY GYM BAG IF...
-OK.
-IT'S REALLY CUTE TOO.
THANKS.
HARD AT WORK?
UH, YEAH.
WHAT'S UP?
WELL, I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO OUR TWO NEW CLIENTS.
THIS IS CHELSEA AND VRONKA.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DANIEL.
YOU DIDN'T TELL US
YOU HAD A HOT BROTHER.
WHO HAS HOT SHOT OFFICE
IN BORING SUBURB?
WELCOME TO THE AGENCY.
HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU TWO
TO LUNCH AND EXPLAIN WHA I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU?
NO NEED, DANNY. WE WANT DEB
TO BE OUR ACCOUNTANT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE DEB OU FOR BIG, GLORIOUS CELEBRATION
FOR SAVING US BIG BUCKS.
APPLEBEE'S?
DO THEY NOT HAVE SPEED LIMITS
IN POLAND?
WE PARTY DOWN THERE.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I TAKE ONE TOKE OF THAT,
AND I GAIN BACK
ALL THE WEIGHT I'VE LOST.
AND FRANKLY MY SELF ESTEEM
IS QUESTIONABLE AS IS.
NO SELF ESTEEM?
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS, VRONKA?
I DO.
DEB: OK. SO WHERE ARE YOU GUYS
TAKING ME?
IT'S CLICHE. UGLY DUCKLING
INTO BEAUTIFUL SWAN MAKEOVER.
OH, I'M OK THE WAY I AM.
OH, IS THAT REALLY WORKING
FOR YOU?
JUST BEING JAY'S CAT SITTER?
YOU'RE SO INTO THE BOY.
COME ON, DEB. CONFESS.
YES, I'M INTO HIM.
AND HE FINALLY KISSED ME.
WELL, HE KISSED ME ONCE BEFORE.
BUT IT WAS AT MY BROTHER'S
WEDDING.
AND IT DOESN'T COUN BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK,
AND HE PUKED RIGHT AFTERWARDS.
BUT ANYWAY, THE POINT IS
I'VE GOT FOUR DAYS
TO FIX UP HIS LOFT. AND THEN--
THEN WHAT?
YOU LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?
GET REAL, CINDERELLA.
YOU MIGHT BE A BOMB ACCOUNTANT,
BUT WE KNOW MEN.
GIVE THE LOF AND YOU A MAKEOVER.
AND IN THE CONQUES FOR JAY WILL BE ASSURED.
BUT I--I DON'T WAN TO LOOK LIKE A HOOKER.
I HEARD THAT, DEB.
I KNOW.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
DEB?
HI.
WHAT? ARE YOU TRYING
TO PICK UP SAILORS?
NO, POP!
HELLO. I GOT A MAKEOVER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PRETTY HOT, RIGHT?
TEPID?
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW.
IT'S A BIT MUCH.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT REALLY ME.
BUT YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY
KNOW WHO ME IS YET.
I'M STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS.
YOU GOT SUITCASES--
WALKING IN--WHY--WHY--
WHY DOES HE HAVE A SUITCASE?
BECAUSE POP MISSED YOU.
HEY, NOW I GOT TO GO.
LEEANN IS IN
A BABYMAKING WINDOW.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU ARE NOT JUST DROPPING
POP HERE.
WHAT THE HELL
KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?
PIPES EVERYWHERE?
NO WALLS. NO CARPETING.
IT'S MODERN, POP.
WELL, IS THERE A BATHROOM?
OR AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE
A MODERN PISS RIGHT HERE
ON CEMENT FLOOR?
YES, THERE'S A TOILET.
GO TO THE RIGHT. UNH. GOD.
YOU COULDN'T JUST WAI 'TIL SATURDAY?
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, OK?
HOW ABOUT A BRAND NEW
WIRELESS OFFICEJET PRINTER?
NO.
WITH A NEW 20-INCH LCD MONITOR?
-NO.
-WITH A NEW--
-WHAT DO YOU WANT?
-I WANT MY RAISE.
I DESERVE THAT RAISE, DANIEL.
SO $200 MORE A WEEK
OR POP GOES HOME WITH YOU.
THEY GIVE YOU A PAIR OF CAJONES
WITH THIS MAKEOVER?
NO. BUT I DID GIVE THE AGENCY
A PAIR OF MODELS.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
-SO DEAL?
OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST TAKE POP?
POP: YOUR MODERN TOILE JUST BLOW DRIED MY TOOKUS.
DEAL.
JUST GAVE DEB A RAISE, POP.
POP: IS YOUR BROTHER
THE GREATEST OR WHAT?
THE GREATEST.
NOW I GOT TO GO.
STILL MY ROCK?
ROCK WITH A RAISE.
ROLL. I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
POP. OK?
POP: THE TV IS BROKEN.
GOD THERE ISN'T EVEN A TV.
THERE IS A TV. IT'S UPSTAIRS
WHERE YOU'LL BE SLEEPING
COMFORTABLY.
INSTEAD OF ME.
WHAT'S WITH
THE VERKAKTE STAIRCASE.
HEY, BABY, I'M ON MY WAY.
HURRY! THIS IS THE LAST NIGH I'M OVULATING.
THE WINDOW IS CLOSING.
I REPEAT, THE WINDOW IS CLOSING.
YEAH, I'M--I'M...COMING.
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
JEWISH BROTHER DANIEL.
YOU PARTY WITH US NOW.
I CAN'T. I'M MARRIED.
WHO PAYS TO COOK THEIR OWN FOOD
AND EAT WITH STRANGERS?
TRY THE SAKI.
HOT WINE? I TELL YOU,
THE JAPANESE COULD SELL
ANYTHING.
GOD,
COULD YOU BE MORE OFFENSIVE?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU EAT JAPANESE?
SINCE I'M TRYING NEW THINGS. OK?
I LIKE IT HERE.
IT'S CUTE, POP.
COME ON, LOOK AT THE LAMPS.
THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE SCULPTURES.
THEY'RE MADE OUT OF PAPER.
THEY COST NOTHING.
I'LL BET THEY INVENTED
BOTTLED WATER TOO.
GOD...PLEASE TRY
TO BE MORE OPEN.
PLEASE TRY THE SAKI.
NOBODY LOVED WINE
MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.
NOTHING FANCY OR HEATED.
SHE'D BE HAPPY YOUR BROTHER
GAVE YOU A RAISE.
HEY, MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL WORK MY
WAY UP TO BEING DAN'S PARTNER.
I'D RATHER SEE YOU
WITH A HUSBAND AND KIDS.
YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYBODY
WANTS TO GET MARRIED, POP.
NOT EVERYBODY WANTS TO STOP
EVERYTHING AND HAVE KIDS.
HERE WE GO. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.
I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND DRINK
OVERPRICE, HEATED WINE.
SORRY.
WHAT THEY HELL
ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
(WHISPERS)
TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND.
JUST STOP. GOD, WHY DOES
EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO HARD?
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE
TO YELL AT YOU TO EAT?
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
TRY THIS. IT'S DELICIOUS.
HAPPY NOW?
DANCING ON THE CEILING.
-TASTES GOOD.
-GOOD.
BUT I WOULDN'T MIND A SANDWICH.
YOU SURE IT'S SAFE?
YEAH, IT'S JUST THE CITY, POP.
WHO'S THAT? THE MAYOR?
LOOK. OK. YOU CAN'T SHOW
ANY FEAR DOWN HERE. RIGHT?
YOU JUST HAVE
TO ASSUME BADASS ATTITUDE.
LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T SEE
THE URINE RUNNING DOWN MY LEG.
ALL RIGHT. WE'RE ALMOST HOME.
HOME HAS A KITCHEN
THAT'S NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU CAN SURVIVE FOUR MORE DAYS.
I CAN'T SURVIVE
FOR FOUR MORE SECONDS.
MOVE! YOU'RE NO THE ONLY ONE WALKING DOWN HERE,
DO YOU HEAR ME?
YES, ADMITTEDLY,
IT IS A LITTLE BIT SCARY.
BUT, HEY, MAYBE A LITTLE SCARY
IS GOOD FOR US, RIGHT?
("VOCAL CHORDS"
BY DALE EARNHARDT JR. PLAYS)
DEBORAH.
OH, GOD.
YOU KNOW, NOBODY CALLS ME THAT.
YOU CALLING ME NOBODY?
BETTER THAN COOKIE.
SORRY. SOMETIMES I JUST...
HAVE NO FILTER.
YOU'RE JUST BEING HONEST.
WHAT ARE YOU EMBARRASSED
TO BE READING?
NOTHING.
PROVE IT.
ALL RIGHT. YES, IT'S TRUE.
I'M A CLOSET ROMANTIC.
AND IF YOU TELL ANYONE,
I'M--YEAH, NOPE, YEAH--
GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU
IN YOUR SLEEP.
SO, NEW LOOK.
YEAH. I'M JUST, YOU KNOW,
TRYING IT OUT.
SEEING HOW IT FEELS.
(SIGHS)
-LATE TO WORK?
-YEAH.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.
THEN DON'T.
("I DON'T WANT TO WAIT"
BY ROSI GOLAN PLAYS)
WHAT'S AMAZING IS
THIS ONLY HAS 150 CALORIES.
HMM. SATISFY JAY'S SWEET TOOTH.
SHE SEEMS FRIENDLY.
I KNOW HER.
SHOCKING.
IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE,
I PRESUME.
WHAT IS WITH YOU AND THIS, LIKE,
REVOLVING DOOR OF HOTTIES?
YOU EVER HAD SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND?
ONCE. IT'S NOT FOR ME.
HEARTBREAK?
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
COME ON.
I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU,
VERY, VERY GOOD.
OK.
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY GOOD
FOR YOU TODAY ONLY. HUH?
FOR YOUR HUSBAND.
-BIG CUCHARA.
-OH.
IF I HAD A HUSBAND,
HE WOULD DEFINITELY
WANT A BIG CUCHARA.
BUT I DON'T. SO...
-AHH.
-NO HUSBAND.
-SORRY.
-THAT'S OK.
I COULD BUY SOMETHING
FOR MY DAD.
VERY GOOD. TODAY ONLY.
A DOZEN OF RED SOCKS FOR 1.99.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.
BUT HE DOESN'T WEAR RED.
HE ONLY WEARS BLACK.
HE'S A WIDOWER.
AH, LIFE IS HARD
AND SHORT LIKE ME.
BUT TODAY ONLY, SENORITA, 5.99.
-BEAUTIFUL, HUH?
-OH, YEAH.
BUY TWO GET ONE FREE.
AND I THROW IN THE SOCKS.
OK. DEAL. SOLD.
ALL RIGHT! WHOO! VERY GOOD.
OK. HEY, COOKIE.
DON'T SAY
I NEVER GOT YOU ANYTHING.
DON'T MAKE FUN OF THE COLOR.
IT'S MY NEW FAVORITE.
OK. AHEM.
HERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.
WE SHOULD GO.
I GOT TO GET TO WORK.
-GRACIAS. ADIOS.
-ADIOS, HANDSOME.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
BIG CUCHARA ONLY 5.99!
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
SO YOU'RE INTO OLDER MEN?
WHAT?
SHABU-SHABU LAST NIGHT.
(SNORTS) IT WAS MY DAD.
YOU'RE CLOSE TO YOUR FOLKS?
NOT REALLY. I MEAN,
IT'S JUST MY DAD NOW ANYWAY.
'CAUSE MY MOM DAD LAST YEAR.
OH, GOD. I'M SO SORRY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ARE YOU CLOSE TO YOUR FOLKS?
YEAH. VERY COOL PEOPLE.
THEY REALLY GET ME.
WOW. BOTH OF THEM, HUH?
-YEAH.
-LUCKY.
IT'S WONDERFUL. MY MOM WAS
THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER GOT ME.
I MEAN, NOT THAT SHE THOUGH I WAS PERFECT.
SHE WAS ALWAYS ON ME ABOU EVERYTHING--MY HAIR, MY WEIGHT.
SHE'D BE LIKE,
"YOU'LL NEVER GET A MAN,
DEBORAH.
GET MARRIED,
THEN YOU CAN GET FAT."
I USED TO HATE I WHEN SHE WOULD NUDGE ME.
BUT NOW IT'S LIKE...
I EVEN MISS THAT.
I MISS EVERYTHING.
OH.
SORRY. SORRY.
DEBORAH,
STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING YOU.
I DO THAT.
YOU SAY "I'M SORRY"
LIKE EVERY FIVE MINUTES.
OH...SORRY.
HEH. SEE.
YEAH.
-GOT IT.
(PHONE RINGS)
OH.
HI, DANIEL. I'M SORRY.
OH, SORRY.
I'M GOING CRAZY.
I NEED TO SEE YOU NOW.
ARE YOU OK?
DO YOU WANT TO COME TO THE LOFT?
NO, NO, NO. POP CAN'T KNOW.
OK. MEET ME AT PERSHING SQUARE
BY THE FOUNTAIN.
THANKS, DEB.
(PHONE RINGS)
DANIEL, WHERE ARE YOU?
JAY: I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN DO THIS.
-JAY.
-THEY SAID "KABUL" SO I JUMPED.
I MEAN, EVEN KATIE COURIC WAS
EMBEDDED WITH THE TROOPS HERE.
BUT NOT ME.
-OK. YOU JUST NEED TO--
-LISTEN--
I AM COVERING A WIDOWS-ONLY
WEAVING BUSINESS
THAT ROSE FROM THE RUBBLE.
THEY'RE TEACHING ME
HOW TO MAKE SCARVES.
I THINK THAT SOUNDS COOL.
I HANG OUT IN JUNGLES.
I INTERVIEW DRUG CZARS.
I WATERBOARD MYSELF.
I DON'T WEAVE.
JAY, OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE THE BES REPORTER THAT THEY HAVE.
SO YOU GET IN THERE.
AND YOU WEAVE WITH THOSE WIDOWS
AND SHOW US HOW
THEY'RE NOT ONLY SURVIVING
BUT THEY'RE THRIVING
IN THAT WORLD.
DEB,
WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?
YOU'RE RIGHT. THANK YOU.
I OWE YOU ANOTHER DINNER.
SATURDAY NIGHT. YOU AND ME.
AND, OH, ARE WE GONNA PARTY.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
I DON'T HAVE ONE. WHY?
NO REASON.
I MEAN, IT'S A SURPRISE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY.
BYE.
(CLOSES PHONE)
-CHANGE!
-OH!
-GOD!
-CHANGE!
ASK NICELY.
YOU'RE SCARING PEOPLE.
CHANGE?
-HEY.
-HEY.
-WHAT'S GOING ON?
-I PARTIED LAST NIGHT.
WELL, GOOD. YOU KNOW,
YOU AND LEEANN COULD USE
A LITTLE FUN.
ME AND VRONKA AND CHELSEA.
OH...GOD, DANIEL!
HOW COULD YOU?
DOES LEEANN KNOW?
NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I TOLD HER THAT YOU HAVE
A BIG PROBLEM.
SO I TOOK YOU OUT DRINKING
ALL NIGHT.
THAT'S AWESOME.
WHAT'S MY BIG PROBLEM?
YOU'RE A SEX ADDICT?
I'M A SEX ADDICT?!
DON'T WORRY.
BECAUSE I TOLD LEEANN
THAT I CONVINCED YOU
TO GO TO THE 12-STEP MEETINGS.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL OF YOU!
NOW, LEEANN'S GOING TO CALL YOU.
OK? SO I NEED YOU BACK ME.
-NO WAY. NO WAY.
-DEB.
YOU CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME,
DANIEL. I MEAN IT.
DEB, PLEASE, I SWEAR
I'VE NEVER CHEATED BEFORE.
AND I WILL NEVER,
EVER CHEAT AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THIS.
OK. OK. OK. OK.
LAKERS ARE AT STAPLES.
KOBE. YOUR KOBE. TAKE POP.
-STOP BRIBING ME.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?
(PHONE RINGS)
IT'S LEEANN.
I CAN'T BREATHE.
HEY, LEEANN.
YEAH. NO, NO, NO. HE--WE--
YES, HE WAS WITH ME LAST NIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HE TOLD YOU I HAVE A SECRET LIFE
AS A FLUFFER IN CHATSWORTH?
WHAT DID YOU GET?
WHAT DID YOU BUY?
POP: KOBE BRYAN SHOOTS AND SCORES.
AND THE LAKERS WIN IN OVERTIME.
BOY, DID YOU MISS A GREAT GAME.
AND FOR WHAT? TO PAINT A WALL?
WE'RE NOT PEOPLE
WHO PAINT WALLS.
WE HIRE PAINTERS TO PAINT WALLS.
IT'S FUN, POP. YOU WAN TO GRAB A BRUSH, JUMP IN?
WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER,
WHICH IS POSSIBLE NOW
WITH GLOBAL WARMING.
YOU KNOW,
JAY DID A GREAT VLOG ON THAT.
WHICH ONE OF THESE
DO YOU THINK MATCHES HIS EYES?
I CALLED DANIEL TO THANK HIM
FOR THE LAKER TICKET.
BUT HE HASN'T CALLED ME BACK?
HE'S SWAMPED RIGHT NOW.
HE WORKS TOO HARD.
OH!
LOOK, POP.
I GOT YOU A PRESENT TODAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO I LOOK LIKE TOMMY BAHAMA?
GET ME A PAIR OF MARACAS.
I'LL JOIN THE BEACH BOYS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
IT'S THE KEY TO MY HEART, BABE.
-IT'S FOR PUTTING UP WITH POP.
-IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BABE.
THE DURA ROSE GOLD PARISIAN
IS OUT OF REACH NOW.
BUT WE'LL GET THERE.
(SIGHS) LET'S SEE.
I THINK IF WE HAVE A BOY
WE SHOULD NAME HIM DAVID.
DAVID DORFMAN. OR BONO.
BONO DORFMAN.
DAVID BONO DORFMAN.
-LET'S--
-LET'S GO TO VEGAS.
-VEGAS?
-THERE'S NO WORK ON FRIDAY.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO VEGAS.
WE'RE BOOKED ALL WEEKEND.
-WE'VE GOT PLANS.
-I'M SICK OF PLANS.
WHY CAN'T WE HAVE SOME FUN
FOR A CHANGE?
FUN?
YOU SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE HAVING
FUN FIVE MINUTES AGO.
BUT THEN YOU HAD TO SPOIL I WITH ALL THE BABY TALK.
IT'S BONO BY THE WAY.
AND THERE ARE NO JEWISH BONOS,
LEEANN.
WELL, THERE'S NO JEWISH
PIRATES EITHER, CAPTAIN JACK.
JUST ADMIT IT.
YOU DON'T WANT THIS BABY.
MAYBE I DON'T.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
IT'S OPEN.
OH, MY HERO.
(DRILL RUNS)
-I'M READY TO HANG ART.
-I SEE THAT.
YOU HAVE A GOOD EYE.
YOU THINK I HAVE A GOOD EYE?
WELL, THE OTHER ONE SUCKS.
BUT...
HEH HEH.
COOL. YOU'RE PAINTING A WALL.
I'VE CREATED A MONSTER.
WELL, I THOUGHT I WOULD PAINT I JAY'S FAVORITE COLOR.
BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE.
SO I AM PAINTING I TO MATCH HIS EYES.
THOUGHTFUL.
THAT'S THE KIND OF GIRL I AM.
SO ARE YOU FREE TO HELP ME
MOVE SOME FURNITURE,
OR DO YOU HAVE A DATE?
YOU PROBABLY HAVE A DATE.
BUT WHO WOULD YOU DATE?
BECAUSE YOU'VE DATED EVERYBODY.
SHUT UP AND POINT.
(DRILL RUNS)
LET'S GO.
DON'T DRILL THE FURNITURE.
LET'S JUST MOVE IT.
OH, I'LL SEE.
("LET'S SPEND SOME TIME" PLAYS)
CAN I HELP YOU? NO, I'M FINE.
I PROMISED MY DAUGHTER
I'D CHECK OUT THE GARDEN.
WHAT ARE YOU GROWING?
AIR CONDITIONING UNITS?
NOT A FAN OF URBAN WHIMSY, HUH?
NOT A FAN OF URBAN ANYTHING.
MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME.
THERE ARE A FEW THINGS
THAT I HAVE TO GET.
MY DAUGHTER
AND HER VERKAKTE LISTS.
SUDDENLY SHE'S
A REGULAR MARTHA STEWAR WITHOUT A PRISON RECORD.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO PICK UP
SOME ART SUPPLIES.
GIVE ME A MINUTE.
WE'LL TAKE MY TRUCK.
EITHER YOU'RE A FAGELA
WHO WANTS MY BODY OR A MENSCH.
TRANSLATION?
GAY OR A GOOD PERSON.
COULDN'T I BE BOTH?
-MORNING.
-HEY.
WHOA.
EITHER I'M HALLUCINATING
OR YOU NEED AN INTERVENTION.
OH, MY GOD. YOU HAD A MAKEOVER
AND ARE NOW GOING TO BE PRETTIER
THAN ME AT MY WEDDING.
NO. OK.
QUICK QUESTION.
THIS IS MY FRIEND TAWNY'S DRESS.
AND IF I WEAR IT,
I COULD SAVE BIG BUCKS.
BUT TAWNY DUMPED HER HUSBAND
FOR HER KICKBOXING INSTRUCTOR.
SO IS IT BAD LUCK
IF I WEAR THE DIVORCED
DUMPER'S WEDDING DRESS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DO I DO?
ELOPE. DAN IN?
YEAH. HE WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU.
LEEANN'S BEEN CALLING,
LIKE, 10 TIMES AND
HE WON'T SPEAK TO HER.
(DOOR OPENS)
TELL ME YOU'RE GOING ON
A WORK TRIP.
BROKE UP WITH LEEANN
THIS MORNING.
BUT I'M DOING GREAT.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
OK. THIS ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK UP
WITH YOUR WIFE.
LOOK, I WANT TO DO
THE RIGHT THING.
SHE CAN HAVE WHATEVER SHE WANTS.
OH, GOD. DAN, YOU ARE SO
GOING TO REGRET THIS.
I'M FINE. SEE?
(PHONE RINGS)
YEAH, IT'S LEEANN.
DON'T TELL HER WHERE I AM. OK?
OR WHERE I'M GOING.
AH.
IT'S HAPPENING. THE PANICS.
OH, GOD.
HELLO?
HEY, LEEANN.
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.
YEAH, I WILL. OK.
BYE.
THANK YOU.
WHERE WERE YOU EVEN
PLANNING ON GOING?
OH, NO.
OH...
THANK YOU FOR THIS.
IF I DON'T WORK EVERY DAY,
I GO A LITTLE CRAZY.
YOU LIKE YOUR WORK. THAT'S NICE.
YOU LIKE YOUR WORK?
WORK'S WORK.
I WAS AN INSURANCE AGENT.
I HAVE A NATURAL GIF FOR PREDICTING DOOM.
COULD YOU SHIFT THE BOTTOM HALF
OF YOUR BODY TO THE LEFT?
OY!
I KNOW THIS ISN' COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.
I HAVE A BUM BACK.
WELL, THEN FORGET POSING.
YOU WANT TO TRY PAINTING?
-ME, OH, NO. NO.
-WHY NOT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
STILL LIFE? SELF PORTRAIT?
I'LL GET YOU--
NO, NO, NO, NO. MY WIFE.
SHE WAS THE CREATIVE ONE.
THAT WOMAN COULD DO ANYTHING
WITH A GLUE GUN.
THEN DO IT FOR HER.
(DOOR BUZZES)
I'LL GET THE DOOR FOR YOU,
YOUR MAJESTY.
OH, COME ON.
AH, GOOD EVENING, D-TOWN DEB.
HI, LIL G.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DANIEL.
UNFORTUNATELY,
HE'S GOING TO BE STAYING HERE.
AH, SWEET! NICE TO MEET YOU,
BROTHER DAN WITH A TAN.
NO, NO. NO NICKNAME FOR HIM.
-HE DOES NOT DESERVE ONE.
-HMM.
(PHONE BEEPS)
-OH, GREAT.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHO THAT WOULD
BE TEXTING ME FOR THE 65TH TIME.
LEEANN.
IT'S DAD.
HE KNOWS HOW TO TEXT?
NO. AND HE'S NOT UPSTAIRS.
OK, WE SHOULD GO.
WAIT A MINUTE. I CAN'T TELL
POP THAT I LEFT LEEANN.
UH, NO. YOU ARE TELLING HIM.
YOU'RE TELLING HIM YOU CHEATED.
NO MORE LIES, DAN.
THAT'S THE DEAL.
OR YOU DON'T GET TO STAY HERE.
-BYE, LIL G.
-WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I PROMISE THAT I WILL TELL HIM
IN TIME. BUT NOT NOW.
COME ON.
-WHOA.
-WHOA.
I JUST WANT TO FIND POP.
DAN: BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
-OK. CONTROL YOURSELF.
-WHAT IS HE DOING?
I THINK I SEE HIM.
YEAH, THERE HE IS. THERE'S POP.
I CAN'T EVEN GET HIM
TO STARBUCKS.
BUT HE'LL COME TO THIS PLACE.
SON, OH,
I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
DANIEL, DEB,
MEET MY FRIEND COOKIE.
-HI.
-HEY, HOW ARE YOU, MAN?
YEAH, WE'VE MET.
BUT WHERE DID YOU TWO MEET?
IN THE WONDERFUL WHIMSICAL
GARDEN AT THE LOFT.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS BUILDING
WAS L.A.'S FIRST PRIVATELY OWNED
POWER PLANT?
RESTORE. REFIT. REUSE.
RIGHT, COOKIE?
RIGHT.
MY PLEASURE.
WHERE'S LEEANN?
UM, SAN DIEGO.
HER MOM JUST HAD TOP SECRE BUTT REDUCTION SURGERY.
SO NOT A WORD TO LEEANN.
I THOUGH I'D STAY WITH YOU GUYS.
GREAT. TRY THIS.
IT'S A POMEGRANATE MARTINI.
GOOD FOR THE PROSTATE.
REALLY?
IS THAT REALLY ALL YOU WANT?
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT EVERYTHING.
I WANT LOVE.
AND I'M FINALLY FIGHTING FOR IT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN CRAZY ABOU JAY FOR, LIKE, 10 YEARS.
AND IT'S JUST NOW THA I'M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
'CAUSE I'VE LEARNED YOU HAVE
TO FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU FIGHT, I'LL PAINT.
I'M JUST SAYING THA I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD
GIVE UP SO EASILY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, IT'S BETTER TO HAVE
LOVED AND LOST...
SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF YOUR ROMANCE
NOVELS TO ME.
MAYBE. BUT...
I THINK YOU'RE JUST AFRAID
OF BEING HURT AGAIN.
GOT TO SUCK IT UP, COOKIE.
OH, YEAH? HEH.
YEAH.
I HAVE TO GO
TO THE LADIES' ROOM.
YEAH, I GOT TO GO,
UM, SOMEWHERE.
I GOT TO PEE TOO.
NO, NO, NO.
POP, I WANT TO PEE BY MYSELF.
WELL, FINE.
WE'LL TAKE SEPARATE PEES.
(SIGHS)
WHAT?
SO YOU AND COOKIE?
-POP, PLEASE.
-NO, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.
YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS WANTED
A JEWISH DOCTOR OR A LAWYER
FOR YOU.
I'M JUST RELIEVED
IT'S SOMEONE WITH A PENIS.
LOOK, I DON'T LIKE COOKIE.
OK? I LIKE SOMEONE ELSE.
WHO?
WHO HAVE I HAD A CRUSH ON, LIKE,
MY ENTIRE LIFE?
KOBE BRYANT.
HE'S ALREADY MARRIED.
HE'S TOO TALL FOR YOU.
LISTEN TO ME. I'M YOUR FATHER.
YOU NEED TO GROW UP
AND FACE REALITY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO MARRY KOBE BRYANT.
STOP WITH THE KOBE BRYANT.
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH KOBE BRYANT, OK?
-I'M, LIKE, IN LOVE WITH JAY.
-JAY?
YEAH, WHY DO YOU THINK
I'M SPENDING SO MUCH TIME
FIXING UP HIS LOFT?
I THOUGHT MAYBE
IT WAS YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH.
YOUR MOTHER USED TO REAPPLIQUE
EVERY 30 DAYS.
OK. I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
ALL RIGHT? LET'S JUST TRY
TO HAVE A FUN NIGHT.
-OK. YOU HAVE FUN. I'LL GO PEE.
-OK.
(SNORING)
OK.
UNH.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS BLUE WORKS.
WAKE UP, SON.
YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING AROUND
ALL WEEK LIKE A MASHUGANA.
-EAT.
-OH, BUT I HAVE NO APPETITE.
HAPPY NOW?
SINGING IN THE RAIN.
-AH, WHAT'S UP?
-GOT MOLLY'S SHOWER TODAY.
OH, YEAH.
DAMN, LEEANN WILL BE THERE.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
IN SAN DIEGO HELPING HER MOTHER
WITH HER NEW TOOKUS?
-UH...
(PHONE RINGS)
WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU?
-UH...
-SOLICITOR.
-FOR WHAT?
-FOR, UH...
JEWS FOR JESUS.
DON'T PICK UP.
OH, MY GOD! MY MAID OF HONOR!
-IS LEEANN HERE?
-YES, SOMEWHERE. FOCUS ON ME.
OK. SO YOU HAVE
TO MEET MY BRIDES MAIDS,
WHO ARE, LIKE, MY BEST FRIENDS.
EXCEPT FOR NATALIE
WHO IS LIKE A TOTAL BITCH.
OH, UM, HEY, CARLIE, NATALIE.
THIS IS DEB.
-HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
-HI.
OH, GOD.
THERE'S MY FUTURE MONSTER
IN LAW. SHE'S SUCH A PIG.
MOM, HI.
DEB.
HEY.
SO, ANY UPDATE
ON MY SOON-TO-BE EX-HUSBAND?
NO, I'M SORRY, LEEANN.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM.
-LET'S GO DO SOMETHING.
-RELAX.
RELAX.
I WANT TO GO FOR A WALK.
LATER. SIT.
ENJOY THE VIEW.
I CAN'T.
I'M MARRIED.
LOOK UP.
HEY, POP, YOU NEVER--
LOOKED AT THE PRETTY GIRLS?
ALL THE TIME BEFORE YOUR MOTHER.
HOW COULD YOU NOT LOOK
OR IMAGINE?
-WE'RE MEN, RIGHT?
-RIGHT.
BUT WE'RE ALSO GOOD MEN.
WE MAY LOOK,
BUT WE MUST NOT TOUCH.
-POP, I, UH...
-YEAH?
AH, I'M GONNA GO FOR A WALK.
CAREFUL OUT THERE.
OH, MY GOD! YOU GOT ME
THE PICKLE FORKS.
AND NOT MONOGRAMMED.
WELL DONE.
SO IS DRESSING WEIRD
PART OF SEX ADDICT THERAPY?
NO, I'M JUST INTO WEIRD NOW.
SO, LIKE,
HOW MANY GUYS QUALIFIES YOU
TO BE A SEX ADDICT?
COULD WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS,
LIKE, EVER AGAIN, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.
THIS PLACE IS PRETTY AWESOME,
HUH?
MAYBE I'LL MOVE TO THIS SIDE OF
THE HILL AFTER THE DIVORCE.
LEEANN, PLEASE DON'T GO THERE.
WHY NOT? HE'S THERE.
WHERE IS HE, DEB?
WHERE IS HE? I MEAN,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE IS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S OK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WHAT DO I DO?
IT'S OK.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
GO SAY GOODBYE TO MOLLY.
WE'RE GOING TO FIND HIM. OK?
-OK.
-I PROMISE.
THANK YOU.
(SIGHS)
(RINGING)
OH, DANIEL, COME ON.
WHERE ARE YOU?
(PHONE RINGING)
DAN: MAY I ANSWER MY PHONE,
MASTER?
(WHIP CRACKS)
VRONKA: NO SPEAK.
DOGS ONLY BARK.
(DANIEL BARKS)
(DOOR OPENS)
DEB: POP, I'M BACK.
WE HAVE COMPANY.
LEEANN, HOW WAS SAN DIEGO?
UH-OH. I BLEW THE SECRET.
WELL, PERSONALLY, I ALWAYS
THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER HAD
A PERFECTLY FIND TUSH.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SO, UM, WHERE IS DANIEL?
LONG WALK. WHAT TIME'S
COOKIE'S OPENING TONIGHT?
WE SHOULD GO MAYBE AROUND 8:00.
I'VE GOT A FEW MORE THINGS
TO FINISH UP HERE.
SO YOU HANG WITH ELMER AND POP,
AND I'LL FIND DAN. OK?
(DOOR CLOSES)
YOU HAVE A FRIEND.
WE SURE DIDN' START OUT THAT WAY.
RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE.
-SWEETHEART, WHAT'S WRONG?
-NOTHING. NOTHING.
-WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?
-IT'S JUST BACK THERE.
(DAN BARKS)
OH, GOOD LORD.
UH...
IS DANIEL HERE?
HE CAN'T COME TO THE DOOR.
HE BAD DOG.
OH, GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DANIEL, GET YOUR BUT BACK TO THE LOFT.
I'M NOT...EW.
EW! GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOD, LEEANN IS IN JAY'S LOF RIGHT NOW.
-WHAT?
-YEAH.
JESUS, HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?
HOW COULD I DO THIS TO YOU?
STOP IT! STOP IT! OK!
I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!
I SUCK! OK. BUT YOU CANNOT TELL
LEEANN ABOUT THIS.
GOD, DAN. I AM DONE.
I AM DONE. I AM SO DONE
DEALING WITH YOUR CRAP.
PLEASE, I BEG YOU!
OK. YOU KNOW I LOVE LEEANN.
IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE, DAN.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU CAN BE MARRIED
OR YOU CAN BE SINGLE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.
OK. OK. OK.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE
FOR YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?
HUH? ANOTHER RAISE?
NO!
PARTNERSHIP?
RIGHT? EQUAL PARTNERS
AT THE AGENCY.
DORFMAN AND DORFMAN.
SO I DON'T TELL LEEANN
THAT YOU CHEATED ON HER
AND YOU'LL MAKE ME
YOUR EQUAL PARTNER?
WITH AN EQUAL SIZE OFFICE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? HUH? PARTNERS?
I SAY I QUIT.
YOU QUIT?
OH, YEAH. I QUIT. I QUIT.
DAN, I DON'T WAN TO BE YOUR PARTNER.
GOD, IT'S BAD ENOUGH
I HAVE TO BE YOUR SISTER.
BUT I NEED YOU.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
-DEB, YOU'RE MY ROCK!
-YOU'RE MY CHAIN, DAN!
TAKE A SHOWER.
TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
UNH!
(TEA KETTLE WHISTLES)
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WAN TO TALK ABOUT THIS?
MY AUNTIE USED TO MAKE HERSELF
A CUP OF TEA WHEN SHE WAS UPSET.
NOW YOU CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN
LIFE'S BLISSFUL BLEND,
ENERGY CHARCO CHAI.
WHAT THE HELL IS YERBA MATE?
IN MY DAY WE HAD ONE TEA--
LIPTON'S.
BUT NOW YOU GOT TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN OOLONG OOSHORT OOSHIT.
NO WONDER YOU PEOPLE
ALL NEED THERAPY.
DAN WON'T GO TO THERAPY WITH ME.
-HUH?
(DOOR OPENS)
DAN?
HEY. SO HE'S ON THE ROOF.
WHAT? IS HE GOING TO JUMP?
NO. NO. OH, GOD, NO.
HE'S GOING TO TALK.
JUST TAKE THE STAIRS
BY THE ELEVATOR.
OK.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TALK TO YOUR SON ABOUT THAT.
DAN.
HEY.
FORGIVE ME. I--I FREAKED
AND I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
DANIEL DOESN'T NEED THERAPY.
WHY SHOULD HE GO TO THERAPY?
'CAUSE HE'S PERFECT.
THAT'S WHY HE'S--
(SIGHS) NEVER MIND.
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
AND YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.
THEY'RE MARRIED!
HOW BAD IS IT?
IT'S REALLY BAD. IT'S NO MY PLACE TO TELL YOU THOUGH.
WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME?
-I QUIT THE AGENCY.
-WHAT?
YOU CAN'T QUIT! DANIEL WILL
ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I DON'T NEED ANYONE TAKING
CARE OF ME.
I SWEAR, BABE.
NOTHING HAPPENED.
I'VE JUST BEEN HERE
HATING MYSELF FOR CAUSING
YOU SUCH WORRY.
ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?
WHY WOULD I HAVE AN AFFAIR?
(SIGHS)
I WANT A BABY.
I'M GOING UP TO THE ROOF.
NO, POP. DON'T RESCUE DANIEL.
HE NEEDS TO FACE LEEANN
AND YOU.
WHAT DID HE DO?
WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE?
HE'S A GOOD MAN, A GREAT SON,
A HUSBAND, AND BROTHER.
AND YOU'RE NOT QUITTING
THAT JOB. YOU NEED HIM.
NO. HE NEEDS ME, POP.
AND YOU NEED ME.
AND IT'S FREAKING KILLING ME.
ARE YOU CRAZY? WE LOVE YOU.
I KNOW.
I KNOW. AND I'M SORRY.
I KNOW YOU WORRY ABOU MY SAFETY AND MY FUTURE.
YOU FEAR FOR ME,
BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS TO YOU, I'M STILL
THAT FAT, UNPOPULAR LITTLE GIRL.
AND DANIEL WILL FOREVER BE
YOUR BRIGHT, SHINING STAR.
(DOOR OPENS)
EVERYTHING'S OK.
-LET ME GO FRESHEN UP.
-OK.
DANIEL, WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU TOLD POP
I CHEATED ON LEEANN?
-YOU CHEATED ON LEEANN?
-OK.
OK, POP. I PROMISE I'M GOING
TO MAKE IT UP TO LEEANN.
OK BELIEVE ME.
I AM GOING TO PAY.
I'M GOING
TO PAY FOR HURTING HER.
-YOU LIED?
-I'M ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
LOOK. I'LL MAKE IT UP
TO BOTH OF YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING NEW
FOR YOUR CONDO?
(SIGHS) OH, GOD. STOP, DANIEL.
SO I'LL MEE YOU BACK IN BEVERLY HILLS?
-YEAH.
-BYE.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, GUYS.
SUNDAY DINNER AT OUR HOUSE?
OH. AND, DEB.
BRING MY STUFF WITH YOU. THANKS.
(DOOR OPENS CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
ELMER...
I DON'T LIKE THAT WALL.
-WANT A DRINK?
-NO.
FINE. I'LL DRINK FOR BOTH OF US.
-THAT'S FINE.
-IT'S FINE.
TOTALLY DERIVATIVE. (SCOFFS)
TOTALLY.
YOU'RE SO TOTALLY ORIGINAL.
THIS WORK IS BRILLIANT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ME--I...
WELL, I THINK THA THIS IS THE MOST TOTALLY
NOT DERIVATIVE WORK
I HAVE EVER SEEN
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
-REALLY?
-YEAH.
(SCOFFS) YEAH. I OWN SEVERAL
OF HIS EARLIER PIECES.
YOU SHOULD REALLY INVEST IN HIM.
-SERIOUSLY.
-DEBORAH, YOU MADE IT.
OH, AND THIS IS
THE BRILLIANT ARTIST NOW.
HI. I'M WINSTON COOK.
WINSTON?
AND THIS IS THE BRILLIAN DEBORAH DORFMAN.
NICE MEETING YOU BOTH.
I'M WINSTON COOK, SR.
HEH. AND THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL
BRILLIANT WIFE NAROO.
OH, HA. GREAT. NOW YOUR DAD
THINKS I'M A TOTAL LIAR.
NO, DEBORAH. A LOYAL FRIEND.
(SPEAKING ARABIC)
IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.
COOKIE, IS THIS THE ONE
YOU TOLD US SO MUCH ABOUT?
WE HOPE YOU'LL JOIN US
FOR DINNER NEXT DOOR.
OH, UM...
YEAH, THERE'S A BUNCH
OF PEOPLE COMING.
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU
IN A BIT, GUYS.
IT WAS A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU,
DEBORAH.
OH, AND YOU.
HEY.
SO WHAT'S NEW SINCE THE EDISON?
OH, GOD.
EVERYTHING. UM, I QUIT MY JOB.
WOW.
I MEAN, DO YOU LOVE ACCOUNTING?
NO ONE LOVES ACCOUNTING.
WHAT HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED
TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
THEN THIS WILL REALLY BE FUN.
OK. UM...
-SO...
-WHAT?
I'M JUST GOING TO SUCK IT UP
AND GO FOR IT. AHEM.
I THINK I...
I...
COME TO DINNER IF YOU CAN,
DEBORAH.
DORFMAN?
DORFMAN?
(GASP)
-HEY!
-JAY!
-SURPRISE!
-YEAH!
-HI!
-HEY.
-CAUGHT AN EARLIER FLIGHT.
-GREAT.
WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING.
OH, IT'S THE SAME OLD ME.
GOD, I MISSED YOU.
-YOU DID?
-YEAH.
WOW. AND SERIOUSLY,
YOU LOOK SO SEXY.
HEH.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU
TO SEE YOUR LOFT.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
GREAT.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
UH...
OH...I...
UH...
LET ME GET BACK TO YOU.
I'M GONNA BE--
I'M GONNA BE RIGHT BACK.
VODKA. MAKE IT A DOUBLE.
OH, CHARDONNAY,
PINOT NOIR, CABERNET.
ALWAYS WITH THE CHOICES.
JUST POUR ME WHATEVER HAS
THE HIGHEST ALCOHOLIC CONTENT.
SOMETHING FOR YOUR WIFE?
NO. I'M A WIDOWER.
YOU HAVE KIDS?
YEP. SEE HOW YOU LIKE THAT.
AH. HIT ME AGAIN.
KID TROUBLE, HUH?
THEY SHOULD COME WITH
INSTRUCTION MANUALS.
-I'M ROSE, BY THE WAY.
-ROSE.
I LIKE OLD FASHIONED NAMES.
YEAH? I LIKE OLD FASHIONED MEN.
UH...
OH...UM...
I HAVE TO GET SOME AIR.
OK.
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING.
FORGET YOU'RE MAD AT ME. TALK.
ALL RIGHT.
JAY CAME HOME EARLY,
AND HE WANTS TO HANG OU WITH ME.
GREAT. I COULD DRIVE
TO THE LOFT, PACK UP, GO HOME,
AND YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH JAY.
COOKIE INVITED ME TO GO TO
DINNER WITH HIM AND HIS PARENTS.
WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I MEAN, I HAVE BEEN CRAZY
ABOUT JAY FOR AS LONG AS
I CAN REMEMBER, YOU KNOW.
BUT I DON'T KNOW
HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME
AND THEN I'VE BEEN SPENDING
ALL THIS TIME WITH COOKIE.
AND I HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS
THAT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY MEAN.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T CHOOSE.
-DO YOU WANT TO JUST GO--
-YES, YOU CAN.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, DEBORAH.
PICK THE ONE
WHO SEES WHAT I COULDN'T.
I SOLD YOU SHORT.
I SPOILED YOUR BROTHER,
WHICH IS PROBABLY
WHY HE IS THE WAY HE IS.
BUT YOU,
MY DARLING DAUGHTER,
ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL PERSON
I KNOW.
BUT DIDN'T KNOW.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
OF COURSE I CAN.
AND YOU'LL START LIVING
FOR YOU KNOW.
YEAH.
GOOD.
NOW GET IN THERE AND CHOOSE.
OK.
AND YOU'LL STAR LIVING NOW TOO?
WITH THIS SHIRT,
I HAVE A CHOICE?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU REALLY THINK?
I KNOW.
I LOVE YOU.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
COULD WE GET THE MENUS?
AND THERE'S ONLY THREE
OF US THIS EVENING. THANKS.
OK. I'LL USE
THE CHOPSTICKS TODAY.
OK.
OK.
YOU CAN LOOK NOW.
WHOA.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S AMAZING.
YEA.
THE WIDOWS OF KABUL
AND I THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I MADE THAT MYSELF.
NOT ALL OF IT.
BUT I DID LEARN HOW TO WEAVE
THIS WEEK THANKS TO YOU.
HMM. AND I LEARNED
SO MUCH THIS WEEK THANKS TO YOU
AND THE D-TOWN HITLIS THAT YOU LEFT FOR ME.
THE WHAT?
THE COOL MAP OF DOWNTOWN
THAT YOU LEFT FOR ME.
OH, YEAH.
SOME NEIGHBOR NAMED COOKIE
MADE THAT AND GAVE IT TO ME
AS A HOUSEWARMING GIFT.
THERE ARE SO MANY GAYS DOWNTOWN.
OH, NO. HE'S NOT--
I WOULD NOT GIVE YOU
SOME CHEESY MAP.
MY GIFT TO YOU WAS THE PRECIOUS
MARTENBOROUGH VINYARD PINOT NOIR
FROM MY SEXY MARRIAGE SUI IN NEW ZEALAND.
OH.
SORRY. AND THANK YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, THE REAL GIF YOU GAVE ME WAS BEING ABLE
TO STAY HERE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M THIS TOTALLY
DIFFERENT PERSON NOW.
I EVEN QUIT MY JOB.
FINALLY GOT SMART, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I GIVE YOU A WEEK
BEFORE DANIEL IS GOING
TO MAKE YOU PARTNER.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I GOT TO MAKE A CAREER CHANGE
TOO. LET ME TELL YOU.
I HAVE PUT IN SO MUCH FACE TIME.
I SHOULD BE AN ANCHOR RIGHT NOW
AT LEAST AT FOX.
RADIO SHOW TIE-INS AND
SIX-FIGURE SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS.
HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?
(SIGHS) I GOT TO FIRE
MY AGENTS AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN NICHING WITH THIS
GUERILLA STUFF FOR WAY TOO LONG.
IT'S KILLING ME.
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN NICHING?
I MEAN, I THOUGHT THAT--
I THOUGH THAT YOU WERE REPORTING.
YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.
NOW TELL ME MORE
ABOUT YOUR WEEKEND.
HELLO?
SORRY. UM...
WELL, ACTUALLY WHEN I FIRS GOT HERE, I GOT TO TELL YOU,
I WAS SORT OF--
OFF. GOOD.
GOOD. I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE.
UH, DO YOU LIKE THE LOFT?
I ASKED YOU THAT EARLIER.
DO--WHAT--HOW DO YOU LIKE
THE LOFT?
IT'S GREAT.
I LOVE THE MASKS.
WHEN I GOT THEM,
I KNEW THEY WOULD BE PERFECT.
I'M NOT SO SURE
ABOUT THE COLOR THOUGH.
RED? I MEAN, REALLY?
WELL, I'M SORRY, I--
WELL...
IT WAS ANOTHER COLOR,
BUT UM...
WELL, I'D LIKE--YOU KNOW WHAT?
I COULD REPAINT IT FOR YOU.
SORRY.
SHH.
YOU'RE FORGIVEN.
AND FORGIVEN.
MMM.
NO.
NO. NO!
YOU'RE FORGIVEN. I'M NOT--
YOU SHOULD BE
THE ONE WHO'S SORRY.
I MEAN, HAVE YOU ALWAYS
BEEN LIKE THIS?
I MEAN, WAS I JUST SO
IN MY HEAD, IN MY FANTASYLAND
THAT I DIDN'T SEE
WHAT WAS REALLY IN FRONT?
AND THEN YOU GRAB MY--
WHAT THE--I GOT TO GO.
-BYE, ELMER.
(MEOW)
I'LL MISS YOU.
(DOOR BUZZES)
CHANGE!
CHANGE!
I'M TRYING. I'M--
I'M TRYING.
("WRITTEN ON YOUR HEART" PLAYS)
IT'S BEAUTIFUL, DAN.
I LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU, BABE.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
BUT IT'S THE ONLY THING
I'M SORRY FOR.
BECAUSE IT'S ALL LED ME
HERE TO YOU.
("GLOW"
BY DONOVAN FRANKENREITER PLAYS)