1
(FAINT WHISPERING)
(CAR PASSING BY)
(HARRY LAUGHING)
Woo ha-ha, party time!
Woah, woah, woah, woah
slow down!
(LAUGHING)
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Whoo!
This is insane!
Watch out! Slow down
slow down! You're gonna crash!
(YOUNG MEN WHOOPING)
HARRY:
How can you afford this?
JACK: This is some
Jane Eyre shit this.
You've got pillars! I thought
only the Roman's had pillars!
(GRUNTING)
Right. Get down.
You show me up to your
room, uh, sweetheart.
- Okay.
- (GIGGLE)
Goodnight, lovebirds.
And then there where two.
(JACK GIGGLING)
You are in so much trouble.
(GROAN) I like you so much.
(GROANING)
That's, totally cool.
(GROAN)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING UPSTAIRS)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
What the fuck?
(GRUNTING IN PAIN)
(GASPING)
(GURGLES)
Jesus Kit, you promised
and quick and painless!
I'm going as fast as I can!
- (GROANING)
- Come here.
Come here, come here,
come here. You silly sausage.
Remember your breathing,
in through your nose.
(COUGHING)
And out through your mouth.
And again and again.
(BREATHING)
That's good, yeah, yeah.
Butterfly kiss
butterfly kiss.
Good.
Have you done yours?
No.
(MUMBLES INDISCERNIBLY)
(GIGGLES)
KITTY: Your friend passed out.
Looks like
it's your lucky night.
(SCREAMS)
Ginger bollocks!
Sorry mate can I just go
stand next to my friend.
He's my pal.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm on a work do, oh my fucking good night.
Where's Michelle?
Oh, she's late,
you know what she's like.
A bitch.
What?
Look right, I didn't really want
to tell you this mate but...
But Shitface said he saw her snogging
someone outside The Dolphin the other week.
(SCOFFS)
Why would I believe someone
called Shitface okay, that's...
Anyway me and Michelle,
you wouldn't understand we've got
something amazing, something special.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Yeah.
She just dumped me.
Oh, but she put a kiss at the
end, that's nice of her, innit?
Who gives a fuck man?
At least you got your end away,
got that monkey off your back, eh?
Yep.
You didn't do anything
with her, did ya?
Three months
you were with her boss.
We did stuff. Okay.
Sexy stuff, all right
but just not,
that.
What are you waiting for,
the honeymoon?
Look.
I've got this problem, okay?
This thing it just happens
when I get close to...
Look mate I go through exactly
the same thing, brother.
Nothing to be
embarrassed about.
I take this thing
called Viagras,
I swear to ya,
it's like a wrench man.
No, idiot, it's not that.
That's fine.
It's more of a sort of,
mental panic, thing.
Right I said that to you
cause you're my pal
and I wanted to make
you feel good man.
I'm always hard.
Good talk, thanks Alex.
I'm off.
Hang on there
one minute mate, please.
You turn 30
on Sunday don't ya?
Yeah, thanks for reminding me.
Right well,
I promise you now,
you're gonna lose your virginity
before you're 30. I promise.
And do I ever break promises?
No, I never do, do I?
This is my present
to you, my brother.
- Thanks.
- Thing is we've only got a couple of days to work
with so we gotta work fast.
- Alex, mate. Alex, Alex.
- How about...
- That'n right there.
- Alex no, Alex,
Alex, where are you going?
Trust me, mate.
I hate to brag,
I really do
but do you know what the lads
have started calling me at work?
The dick.
No Alex, I don't think that's
why they call you that... Shit.
Right, we've got a crier.
What did you say to her?
It's not my fault, mate. She lost her
husband or something, I don't know.
Really? That's terrible.
That's why she's on her own.
Fucking brilliant, innit?
What you on about?
Come on, love.
You still
invited her over?
I insisted, she come over,
she's lost her husband,
- have a heart man, seriously.
- Oh, Jesus.
JIM: Alex, you're a...
Hiya, love.
JIM: Oh, god.
This way,
oh, watch yourself.
Right, I'm gonna leave
you love birds to it.
Hi.
(CRYING)
Uh...
Sorry, I miss him
so much. (SOBBING)
Jesus.
(CRYING)
Am I sexy?
Of course, you are.
Yes I am. (SOBBING)
Yeah.
Do you wanna
have sex with me?
Do I, what?
Whoa, hey. You okay?
- (MUMBLES)
- Um...
I am sexy.
Oh, okay, okay.
Jennifer, Jennifer.
Why don't we...
Shall we get you,
get you into a cab, get you home?
- For sex?
- No, no, no, just get you home, yeah?
Yeah?
I feel a bit sick.
JIM: Okay. Here we go,
here's the nice cab driver.
- (MOANING)
- Hello, mate.
She all right?
(RETCHING)
She's a bit tipsy.
If that girl is sick in this
car, you're cleaning it up, pal.
With your bare hands.
- I've been sick.
- Yeah, it's all right. Cheers.
Weasley Street.
Wait, wait, oh, wait. Jesus.
- Here we go.
- (MUTTERING)
A little sit down.
Yeah, there we go.
(GROANING)
One step, two steps.
(CLAPS) Jennifer!
I gotcha.
- There we go, one last, one last thing, oh God.
- (MUMBLES) No...
(SIGHS AND GROANS)
Here it is, there it is.
Come on, that's it!
Sierra two nine.
Suspect in sight.
- (GROANING)
- (HEAVY BREATHING) Hi.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(WATER RUNNING)
Mama.
(KEYS JINGLING)
(DOOR OPENS)
Story checks out,
you're free to go.
Just maybe stick to conscious
girls in the future, yeah?
I will, thank you, Officer.
ALEX: Right, so
what happened last night?
At least tell me you
at least got a blowy off her.
No.
Why?
She was crying.
About the recent death
of her husband.
She was going like this.
(MIMICS CRYING) Please,
please have sex with me.
Is that a turn on for you?
Little bit, yeah.
(SIGHS)
Please, help me.
That's what I'm gonna do.
That's why we're here
doing this chat thing.
All right, gays.
Mind if I join?
Actually, Laura,
we're kinda of...
So my boyfriend's band is playing this
gig tonight, you guys should come.
ALEX: Your boyfriend's in
a band called Crabs, eh?
LAURA: It's KRABS.
Okay, well make sure he bags up
then by the sounds of things.
Oh, well, actually,
we're not having sex.
Oh for fucks sake.
Is everyone going mad?
Uh, no, it's John's idea.
Yeah, we're gonna wait until,
we really know each other.
John is a modern, y'know sensitive,
intelligent, beautiful, artist.
You know,
I think it's beautiful.
- LAURA: Ah, all right, Frankie.
- All right, Laura.
Oh, hang on.
FRANKIE: Cheers.
Jees!
- Thanks nice one, mate.
- LAURA: No worries, see you later.
Laura?
Oh, oh, do you want some?
I've just spent
the night in jail.
I wasn't really planning
on going back any time soon.
Sexually assaulting a drunken widow,
terrible business, it really is.
- That's not funny man.
- LAURA: (LAUGHING) What?
It's not his fault though, eh,
that's what happens
when you go 29 years
without so much as a woman
even sneezing on your dick.
Alex! Will you shut...
Oh, my God.
You're still a virgin!
Okay. Thanks for a really lovely day.
I'm gonna go and kill myself.
Oh, no, Jim. Jim, look,
look, listen.
My God, did you see that?
They stared right at me.
They keep staring
at you, mate.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh God, oh God.
Fuck it, this is your time,
this is your day.
I'm gonna go through
the ABCs with you right now.
You Act, you Blag
and you Check out.
No matter how scared you are,
you force yourself up there.
And you blag it,
you don't think you blag.
You pretend
you're somebody else.
Someone you've always wanted
to be like a spy or a fireman.
You can be James fucking Bond I don't
give a shit. But you gotta blag it.
Once you've got them on the
hook, that's when you check out.
Don't stay there too long.
It'll leave them
gagging for it.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Sick with lust obviously.
(STAMMERS)
All right fuck it, I tell you what, you
get up there and you buy yourself a drink
but make sure it's got ice in it. Get
one of the icicles out and you smash it.
Once you've smashed it turn to the
girls and you go 'all right, girls, '
and you go, "Hola, girls.
"now that I've broken the
ice, can I buy you a drink?"
Piece of piss off you pop.
Literally no one has ever
fallen for that shit.
Don't listen
to this fucking idiot.
Works every time dude.
They think they'll hate it but deep
inside themselves they love it trust me.
Just wait this is a lot of information
to take in at once okay. So...
Don't think, act.
Hey, stop bullying him,
can't you see the boy is scared?
I'm not a boy, Laura.
I'm, I'm a man.
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God.
Barman, can I have
a lemonade please?
With ice! Sorry.
Hi.
Nice one, thanks.
(WHISPERS) Jesus.
(WHISPERS)
Jesus Christ.
(WHISPERS)
Slippery.
Shit! I'm so sorry!
- Did that...
- That's...
- ...hit you in the eye.
- That's fine...
No. No, I'm fine.
Okay well, uh,
now that I've smashed the ice... cube.
Can I, can I buy you a drink?
Um, we've already got drinks.
Yes, you do.
What are you rocking there?
Are you bleeding?
Little bit. It's fine.
I'll just...
Probably should have stamped
on it with my foot.
ALEX: (SHOUTING) Blag it!
I spy on people.
- Okay.
- Not. No, not like in a creepy way.
More like, uh,
James Bond 007, thing.
Ooh that's,
that's pretty cool.
He's dying up there,
do something.
Yeah, he is, isn't he?
So, I'm gonna go,
I'm really busy.
- Spying and stuff...
- (PHONE RINGS)
...talk to you later.
My dog is heavy.
You look like anglers.
Oh, shit.
(PHONE RINGS)
(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
My God in Heaven you look like angels.
(CHUCKLES SOFTY) Well...
(PHONE RINGS)
Would you like to go out
for a fuck time in lotion?
I'm bad at this.
Fun! Sorry.
Fun time in London.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, we'd love to.
Wouldn't we?
Yeah.
You, love, what?
Yeah, just, you know,
tell us when and where.
Oh, good, brilliant.
(PHONE RINGS)
I'll just go and tell
my sexy friend over there.
Hey.
Walk away.
Oh, that's for me.
I'm gonna...
catch you in a bit.
Okay.
Bye.
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Breathe, breathe, breathe
ready for tonight then.
I can't do it, mate.
What?
(HEAVY BREATHING) I'm
having a panic attack, mate.
It doesn't make
any sense, does it?
Why would these
two beautiful women
just turn up out of the blue
and be interested in us?
You've got to stop questioning
stuff all the time man, seriously.
Sometimes a bit of luck
comes your way
you've got to grab it with both
hands like it won't come round again.
I'm going.
- What are you running from?
- Jesus.
These girls wanna
break our dicks off
and you want to stay in here
with your finger up your bum bum.
Come on, man.
I'll do it.
Kitty?
(KITTY WHISPERING CHANTS)
LULU: Kit?
Kitty?
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
Kit, where are you?
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(WHISPERING CHANTS
IN MALE VOICE)
LULU: Kit?
(CHANTING LOUDER)
Kit?
(CHANTING LOUDER)
(KITTY AND MALE VOICE
CHANTING TOGETHER)
How did you do that?
(KITTY WHISPERS CHANTS)
(GASPS)
You all right, Lu?
What was that all about?
(DEEP BREATHS)
Nothing.
ALEX: Up here, Neil?
Nice one matey,
see you soon.
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- (DOOR OPENS)
Are you ready for the
night of your fucking...
What you doing?
T-Rex.
Almost finished.
ALEX: Fuck that off.
Come on.
(SIGHS) I'm not going.
You what?
They were clearly
taking the piss.
What's going on now,
what's happened to you?
Why've you had a change of heart?
Girls like that don't...
Maybe it's just not
meant to happen, okay.
I've tried everything, mate.
I even went on this...
(SIGHS) I even went
on this dating website
specifically for virgins
and I got one response.
From a 12-year-old
Chinese boy.
Yeah.
Look, boss,
I know you're scared.
Do you want
to know a secret?
We're all fucking scared, man
and being a bloke is just
pretending that we're not.
The only reason
why you're so afraid is
because it's taken
you so long
and you've made this fucking
mad weird mountain in your head.
I'll climb it with you boss,
I'll come with ya. I'll be your Sherpa.
What's that?
Put it down man.
Put that fucking shit down, man.
Get here...
JIM: What?
Just look at yourself man.
Just look at yourself.
Got a blemish-less pale face
like a Tudor lady.
You've got a broad back.
- You've got wonderful titties...
- (CHUCKLES)
And you've got beautiful,
big ginger bollocks.
- (LAUGHING) Fuck off!
- There's the smile I'm after!
They're just girls, man.
What's there to be afraid of?
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
(CHEERING)
Wooo!
See that?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
You do want to see
him again don't ya?
Yeah,
of course I do.
Well, you know
what we've got to do.
Look, I know
you're scared, baby Lu.
But we're so close now.
Well, I know
that it's, it's just...
Sometimes
you just get so...
What?
Nothing.
You're a big girl now.
He's not going to believe
how much you've grown up.
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(CRYING)
Big night.
Just think,
in a few hours.
Everything's going to be back
to the way it was before, yeah?
Just the three of us,
all together again.
Doesn't that sound good?
You know, this will work.
We've done
everything he taught us.
You do trust me, don't you?
Yeah.
No, no,
of course I do.
Come on then, Cinderella.
Let's get you to the ball!
ALEX: This is all
we've got to work with?
All right, well,
so, corduroy.
- Absolutely not.
- Okay.
- That's nice.
- Sort of says to me, alcoholic,
mid-fifties,
not having a great time.
1980's skinhead.
- JIM: Right.
- Slightly racist.
Oh, hello,
oh, you know what?
You look like a...
I don't know, you look like a beacon!
- Yeah. No, that's, that's awful.
- It's really itchy,
- Yeah, rid it, rid it.
- it's really, really itchy.
ALEX: Best of a bad bunch
here brother, so...
- Burgundy really?
- Trust me.
- Ahh! Magnifique, Monsieur!
- Yeah, man?
- Yeah, man!
- Really?
These are my work trousers.
Don't matter
that's all we've got.
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
They feel a bit snug
around my bollocks.
- Ooh. Shit!
- Ooh, yeah, baby!
KITTY: Syringe.
Check.
- Breath.
- (EXHALES)
That's fine.
Chloroform.
Check.
- Let's see if you've shaved your balls.
- Yes, I have.
Knife.
Check.
Packed condoms.
Already wearing mine.
Okay,
let's do this.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
Which one am I going for?
Whichever one
you want, boss,
it's your night.
I'm just a wingman.
Remember
you're a sexy bastard.
Right, here they come.
Remember, crank up the sexiness
straight from the start.
Yeah, we don't have
time to fuck about.
You're a sexy bitch.
What are you?
Sexy bitch?
Good.
Ladies.
Hey, boys.
Ready to paint the town red?
Yes, we flipping well
are, aren't we, Jim?
Yeah, big style.
Do you want a drink?
KITTY: Yeah,
I'll come with ya.
Take a seat.
Take a seat.
(CUTLERIES CLATTER)
So, you're sisters then?
Yeah, sorry,
yeah, yeah.
Cool,
that's cool.
(COUGHS)
I like your necklace thing,
it looks like the moon.
Oh, thank you.
It was my mum's.
Hmm. She doesn't want
it back then?
She's dead.
Right.
Sorry.
ALEX: Service please,
Miss Danielle.
Oh, here's trouble.
How are you doing,
beautiful? You good?
All right, you need
to behave yourself tonight.
Two pints of lager please
and white wine spritzers.
Um, cranberry juice.
With vodka, please.
No, we don't drink.
What?
We have run into
a serious issue here.
- What have you done now?
- The girls don't drink.
And?
Right how do
I put this nicely?
No one's going
to fuck you sober.
That's you putting it
nicely, is it?
I've got an idea.
What about the friend?
How are we
gonna get rid of him?
I'm working on it.
You just focus on Jim and don't
let him out of your sight.
Ladies,
ever heard of KRABS?
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(LAURA APPLAUDING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
This is the guy I was telling you
about, this is John.
- How you doing, John, pleased to meet you, mate.
- Yeah nice to meet you, bruv.
That's incredible
it really was.
(INAUDIBLE AGREEMENT)
(TEARFUL)
Best we've ever done it.
Yeah it was all right, (LAUGHING)
just lost the tempo at the end there
but we will get it right,
at some point.
(DRUM STICKS CLATTER)
(SHOUTING) Fuck you, John.
I quit! The KRABS are over!
No. The KRABS
are never over, bruv.
- I hope that they're not.
- (INAUDIBLE MUTTER)
Have you got them beans?
Yep. Um, just be careful with
them 'cause they're quite strong.
- Okay.
- Ah, forget that shit I've got something for you right here.
New album Mopy Symphlex.
Do you a deal, fiver.
- No, I'm all right. Thank you, mate.
- Please,
take one.
Okay, no problem.
Have you ever heard
an owl cry?
No, I haven't, mate. No.
(RUSTLING)
Thanks, boss, thank you
very much, cheers.
- Oh, my god you look so...
- Yeah, I'm at work, girl.
- I'm at work yeah, cool.
- Yeah, no totally, yeah that's yeah.
So, you like, uh,
cranberry juice.
Yeah.
Isn't that, isn't it good
for period pains?
(STUTTERS) What?
My sister told me
it was good
for period pains
cranberry juice, no?
JIM: Someone told me that.
LULU: I don't know.
JIM: No, that's it potassium,
potassium.
ALEX: It's like a bloody
funeral in here innit?
Let's smash these and go somewhere
else, I know just the place.
There you take
that one ducky.
- LULU: Thank you.
- For you.
Uh... sorry.
JIM: Oh, shit.
I thought,
there was a moth in that.
I, there was definitely
a moth in that one.
We're gonna go,
I'll get you another one.
- Okay.
- ALEX: That cost frigging money that.
(INDISTINCT CHATTING)
ALEX: Where am I gonna get
some more from now?
JIM: We're not doing
that, are we?
- ALEX: Why on earth not?
- JIM: Because it's, illegal, for one.
ALEX: Under whose eyes?
Eyes of the Lord?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
ALEX: Just a cranberry juice
then please, mate.
Thank you for cranberry
juice, cranberry juice.
KITTY: Cheers!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Do you wanna dance?
(LAUGHS)
No, no way.
Why not?
I just I, I don't. Last time I
danced I was 10 years old at the...
school disco and I accidentally
elbowed Natalie Cork in the face.
You can't be that bad.
I am.
I look like I am being
beaten up by ghosts.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(PHONE RINGS)
Sorry.
Oh, shit.
LULU: What is it?
It's my mum,
I'm supposed to go round
to theirs for this birthday dinner
thing, tonight. I completely forgot.
Well, can't you call her
and tell her
something came up?
I can't.
I'm sorry, Lulu.
No, wait.
I'll come with you.
What?
Well, you've been drinking
so I can drive us there and bring
us back before it's too late.
Gets, gets too late.
Besides,
you wouldn't make me
sit here on my own all
night, would you?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Whoa.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Cool car.
Thanks. It's our uncle's.
Oh. Shit.
Cool uncle.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Shit.
(GASPING)
Oh, oh, you bought a friend.
Wonderful.
Come, in come in.
(GIGGLES)
Sorry, we are late.
Here we are.
We were starting
to worry about you.
Oh, yeah,
sorry about...
No, no, don't you worry, son.
We've only been waiting a couple of hours.
You're here now
and that's what matters.
Amen. (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
What's the T-shirts?
(JIM'S FAMILY LAUGHING)
Hilarious, aren't they?
It was your sister's idea,
she thought they were funny.
(LAUGHING)
Father George helped out.
Did you know that Priests
get discounts in, um...
Piccy Pics?
Is that right?
I didn't know that.
We've got one for you, son.
Beth go get it.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine.
Oh, come on,
it's the party rule.
We don't have one
for you, Lulu, I'm afraid.
No, no, we do, we do, we do, no that...
(STUTTERING)
...one of the first ones... (STUTTERING)
...didn't go quite right you know.
- Yes.
- Beth go and get that one too yeah.
PETER: Oh, how fun.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Happy birthday, son.
(COUGHS)
Thanks.
(EXHALES)
(HEART BEATING)
(EXHALES)
Oh, it's...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's ya Nan's pen knife.
Yeah, um,
she wanted you to have it.
(EXHALES)
She loved you very much, Jim.
We all do.
(SNIFFLES)
(WHISPERING) Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, it's okay to cry, you know, yeah.
It's not a weakness.
(SNIFFS)
Just be careful walking
around with that thing.
Yeah, we don't want
the police mistaking you
for some crazy knife wielding
maniac, do we, Lulu?
(LAUGHTER)
So where did you
go to school, Lulu?
Um, I was taught at home.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, Daddy didn't,
um, trust schools so...
Oh, our Jim would have
loved that, he hated school.
Even at a good
Christian school like his.
He was forever
being picked on.
And called horrible names
like fatty and ginger and...
Ginger fatty.
I think she gets it.
(PANTING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oooh. (LAUGHS) Oooh.
Shall we do the song?
- Yes.
- No, no, not the song.
Oh come on don't be silly,
it's tradition!
Someone's a little
bit embarrassed.
Lulu, do you want to hear it?
Yes, please.
Actually I feel a bit
I'm not feeling too great.
- No, come on, up you get.
- PETER: Come on birthday boy.
(LAUGHING)
Mum
Dad
Dad
Jim
It's another Turner's
birthday jump up and down
Let's cowabunga down
let's shake it around
Musical bumps
that's where the party is
Open the fountain
that's the Turner kind of fizz
Daddy's playing air guitar
(MIMICKING GUITAR)
Beth and Jim go
clap clap clap
(CLAPPING)
(LAUGHING)
Mummy's on kitchen duties and
over to Nan for the Turner rap
(EXHALES)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
Tur-ner, Tur-ner, Tur-ner
Turn to the left
then turn to the right
There's a Turner there
and a Turner cares
Turn to the left
then turn to the right
There's a Turner there
and a Turner cares
Turn to the left
then turn to the right
There's a Turner there
and a Turner cares
Turners will turn
to each other
Till time stops turning
No, no, no, keep going,
keep going. It's good.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
Faster, Mum.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
Dad, come on louder.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
T. U. R. N. E. R.
and T. U. R. N.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
What ya doing?
I'm not interested, okay?
Why not?
Because you're ugly, and dumb.
Now why don't you fuck off
and find someone else?
Your big ginger friend
can take care of himself.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
There's someone in here.
BOUNCER: No drugs allowed
I'm afraid, now open the door.
I'm not doing drugs.
Open the fucking door.
(SIGHS)
Hey, honestly,
I wasn't doing anything.
Do I look fucking stupid?
No.
Hand me the purse.
Hand me your
fucking purse, now.
Are you sure there's not some
other way of sorting this out?
(PANTING)
Daddy, what's he doing?
He's been touched
by the Holy Spirit.
He's feeling
the pure love of Jesus.
Flowing through his veins.
Praise the Lord.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Well, we should probably
be going, it's getting late.
Oh, are you sure darling?
Jim seems to be
having a good time.
Yeah, it's just, we've got
a lot to do tomorrow, so.
Jim.
Jim.
(SLAPS)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Maybe we should head back.
To the club. Yes!
Good idea, okay, thank you so much
for the most amazing birthday.
Sis. (KISSES)
Love you, Mama.
(KISSES)
Okay.
(EXHALES)
It was a pleasure
to meet you all, bye.
Ah, I think he's found
a good girl there.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(MAKING DRUM NOISES)
God, I wanted to be a drummer
when I was a kid.
I always thought that was the
coolest thing to be, you know,
everyone wants to be the front man
or the guitarist but I was always...
(MAKING DRUM NOISES)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
I thought that was going
to be really weird didn't you?
You meeting my parents like that
and I've just met you but...
I thought it was fun.
I thought that was really fun and I think
they liked you, you know, I really do.
I mean why wouldn't they?
Look at you, you're perfect.
No, I'm not.
Kitty says my nose is too big.
- What? No. No.
- Yeah. No, she does.
She... She says I need
to get some work done.
Okay, if you change that face,
that is an insult to God.
(QUIETLY) Stick to the plan.
- What's that?
- (CAR HONKING)
(SHOUTING) Motherfucker!
Wooo, you're
an amazing driver, Lulu.
- Thanks.
- What, how long, how fast are we going?
Uh, 110.
JIM: Whoo!
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, man!
Alex.
Alex.
- Hiya love!
- Hiya.
You coming down?
- Come up.
- Alex, come down.
- Come up.
- Why don't we go?
Come up.
You and me let's go.
I've got something to tell
you, just come down.
Kitty, what you doing?
No.
Hey let's,
let's go back to ours.
- Okay, let's go, yeah.
- Yeah, I've just got to get Alex.
No, no, no,
don't get him.
No, he's my bro
from another ho I've gotta...
No, No, No.
He's having a really good time.
Jim!
Jim!
Whoo...
- I fucking love you man!
- Where we off, where we off, where we off, where we off?
Our place,
let's go, let's go.
ALEX: Told ya,
what did I say?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
What the fuck you doing, bruv?
Man, fucking ride
your buzz, bruv.
What are you sucking off
your own face for?
Fix up, bruv.
Cause if you barge me again I'll
bang off your fucking jaw side
like fluoride
you fucking dickhead.
Just fuck off, man.
He was a bit nasty, wasn't he?
- Gonna need some cognitive therapy.
- (LAUGHING)
(CAR ENGINE REVS)
- ALEX: Come on, Jim. Tune!
- Tune! Turn this up!
Thank you so much girls for
allowing us to come with ya
I honestly thank ya,
it's very kind of ya
Yeah, really, this is such
a... Such a brilliant night.
We feel like we've really bonded
quite quickly with you guys.
Definitely we do.
JIM: And you're just nice,
really nice girls.
(EXHALES)
I can't feel my face.
ALEX: Can I just say, Kitty.
I'm extremely sorry about when I threw
the glass of water over your mid-region.
Why d'you do that?
It's fine, Alex, honestly.
Cause I'm awfully sorry and I respect you
as a person, as a female, as a feminist.
Look, Alex,
don't worry about it.
Deep down I think
I'm quite into you.
I could talk to you
d'ya know what I mean,
you're sort of somebody that's
a very approachable person.
Ya know you're very warm.
Alex, Alex, Alex.
I love you.
I don't, love you, not yet, I don't.
ALEX: I know
I'm gonna back off now.
- I'm gonna stop talking bullshit.
- It's all right.
He's a nice, he's nice,
he can just be a bit of a dick sometimes,
but his hearts
is in the right place.
Do your beatbox for us.
(BEATBOXING)
(GROWLS)
- JIM: The countryside!
- ALEX: Whoo!
- ALEX: Countryside!
- JIM: Whoo!
ALEX: It's like
going on holiday!
Fucking hell I never want
to stop holding your hand.
Don't, you don't have to.
- Is that all right?
- Yeah, of course, man.
(CHEWING)
I feel like I'm,
my jaws going a bit.
No, you're sound mate. Are mine?
Are mine, all my lot?
Good.
They're great, man.
Fucking hell, there's a joint
underneath your frigging seat.
- LULU: What?
- Whose got a light?
JIM: Spark it up, son.
Lulu?
LULU: No, thank you.
- It's just...
- Go on just have it.
- LULU: No, no.
- ALEX: Shit, shit. Fucking hell!
- (ALL SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
ALEX: Fucking back!
(MUFFLED GROAN)
ALEX: I've fucked up myself,
me ribs and me spine are torched man!
JIM: Lulu!
(GROANS)
JIM: Take this.
Take this.
(GRUNTS)
Is everyone all right?
Yeah, mate, hunky dory no
thanks to this fucking idjit!
JIM: (SHOUTING)
Whoa, whoa.
Fucking nearly
killed me, mate!
LULU: (MUFFLED SCREAMING)
ALEX: Come on then, Jim.
Come on then mate.
Do you really want this?
Do you really want this then, mate?
JIM: Yeah, all right.
ALEX: Are we done?
JIM: All right get off!
- Are we done?
- Yes.
- Say done then.
- Done!
ALEX: (COUGHS)
Right what rescue service
are you with?
Why?
So they can rescue us!
It's stolen.
What? You said
it was your uncle's.
(MUFFLED) It is.
We stole it from our uncle's.
You stole your uncle's car?
He doesn't mind.
He, he's in jail.
He's a massive pervert.
Well, that explains all the
shit in the glove compartment.
(EXHALES)
So what we gonna do now?
ALEX: Right then,
righty righty oh.
It's very hot,
is it supposed to be hot?
- Yeah, I think it is, yeah.
- Engines are normally hot, okay.
- Do you, do you know about cars?
- A bit.
ALEX: Yes, must be
'cause it's too hot.
(GROANS)
LULU: Sorry.
JIM: Don't worry about it,
it's just a stupid t-shirt.
You don't have
to wear yours either.
I like it.
(PHONE CHIMES)
(EXHALES)
- What a night, eh?
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God.
What?
- Was I dancing in front of my parents?
- (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Oh, god!
Kill me now, Lulu, please.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, I'm sorry.
(JIM SIGHS)
Don't you need that?
I'm due an upgrade anyway.
Ooooh...
Sorry. Sorry that was stupid
I don't know why I did that.
I don't normally do stuff like that
especially after, major car accidents.
No, it wasn't that,
I didn't...
It's just I, I just I like
you and I thought, maybe.
(GROANS)
Idiot.
I like you too.
ALEX: Right then, kids.
I reckon I figured it out.
It's fucked.
Oh, great cheers, Alex.
Well fear not
I have a plan.
I just checked
the sat nav on my phone
and it appears we are about a
mile away from my dad's place.
So I suggest
we have a walk there,
borrow his car and drive
to these girls house.
The rest is TBC
to be honest with ya
but I'm predicting a fucking riot.
Who's with me?
This is ridiculous man.
ALEX: This is the one.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
You're gonna love him.
He's hilarious you watch.
All right just wait there, wait there,
shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Eh up, Dad!
Hey Alex, hello sunshine.
Come on you filthy
bastard I've gotta go.
Yeah.
Cheers.
- WOMAN: Ta.
- Thank you.
- See ya.
- See ya. Bye.
Cleaner. She's my cleaner.
She's just been, cleaning up!
Hey, come on what the fuck are you doing
standing outside you come inside come on.
I mean, I call her a cleaner,
y'know. She is a cleaner,
she's actually not very good.
I should probably fire her actually.
So it's a little bit
messy, a little untidy.
But, um...
Oh. That's a bit embarrassing.
Well, you know what they say,
you can't live with them.
Can't wank without a naked
photo of one of them.
KEN: It was a joke.
(INAUDIBLE MUTTERING). Friends?
- You know Jim, don't ya?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, ginger fatty Jaffa cake thief.
(LAUGHING)
He used to come round
when he was a kid
and he ate all the Jaffa cakes and
then he was very big but now he's not.
I had one, it was once.
KEN: No, it was a packet. It was
like a triple packet of Jaffa cakes.
- I was really hungry.
- KEN: He was very sick.
These two boys?
Lulu, Kitty.
Kulu and Litty.
- Hi.
- Lovely names, lovely names.
(GIGGLES)
Sort of strippers
names, isn't it?
I mean, you're not
strippers, are you?
No.
That's a shame.
You could be.
Thanks.
Sit down,
will you come on sit down. Hey.
KEN: Hey, how's your mum?
ALEX: Yeah, she's dead good
ta, Dad, yeah.
- KEN: Yeah, dead good.
- Hanging in.
- Is she? Yeah. Good.
- Fine.
Good. Fuck her.
KEN: You give her my love, won't you?
You give her my love.
ALEX: I will. I will send
my love yeah.
KEN: Actually
that's not right.
She...
She should give me her love.
You know,
she should give me her love.
KITTY: Excuse me.
Can we use your toilet.
Absolutely, number ones
or number twos?
- You.
- (KEN GIGGLES)
Of course, you go and take a shit
take a wee, whatever you wanna do.
- Thank you.
- KEN: Might need a flush.
KEN: Follow your nose.
KEN: So, come on you Jimmy,
Jimmy, Jimmy Jimson.
Jimmy yourself down
here you little, Jimmy.
(INDISTINCT TALK)
What you doing?
What?
What? I am doing exactly
what you said, I'm pretending.
Look come on, I'm your sister
you can tell me. What's wrong?
(SIGHS) Well, just,
I was thinking maybe
we could let them go.
Jim just seems nice, you know,
he's different from the others
and we've still got time
to find another one.
Okay.
Is that it?
Is that all?
You're a silly sausage,
aren't you?
You are doing it, tonight.
Do you understand?
KEN: Good to see ya.
What's happening,
what you up to?
Trying to go back
to their house,
just having a bit
of a shindig.
Okay. (STUTTERS)
I need to change my shirt
and maybe wash under my arms.
No, we just need to borrow your car, Dad.
If that's all right?
Just borrow your car.
Yep, that's fine, yep.
Gents, chaps you are having
a lovely night out.
- I'm fucking sober, are you?
- Yeah, a little bit, we should probably...
I'm really sober. Is there somewhere
local we can get a drink, Dad,
- do you know?
- Yep you walk down the road here
and there's gonna be
a late night garage or...
- Great.
- Wicked. All right then, mate.
- Do you want ought? No?
- KIM: And you can get, you can get booze and porno.
- All right then, mate. See you later, Dad.
- JIM: Thanks Ken, cheers.
- ALEX: Do you need anything?
- Hey, I'm good.
- ALEX: See you in a bit then.
- JIM: Cheers Ken.
Get a me a packet
of Jaffa cakes maybe, Jim.
Jaffa Jim. (LAUGHS)
JIM: Just popping to the shops
girls, we'll be back in a minute.
- Oh, fuck.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
NEWS REPORTER: There's been a break through
in the mystery surrounding the disappearance
of 33 year old Steven Barker.
The following CCTV footage
has just been released.
Police now have eye witnesses
that claim to have seen Steven
leaving a bar with two women.
We've enhanced the image here
so you can get
a better picture of a suspect
the newspapers have dubbed
'The Man Eaters'.
If you know, or have seen these two
before please don't hesitate to call.
But do not approach them. They're
considered armed and extremely dangerous.
Man eaters.
I like it.
(GRUNTING)
Lulu!
- (OBJECTS CLATTERING)
- (GRUNTING CONTINUES)
Lulu, help me!
KEN: Get off me!
KITTY: Come on.
KITTY: Go on, do it!
Lulu!
Oh, God,
what are we going to do?
We are all over the news,
we've got to hand ourselves in!
We're not fucking handing ourselves
in we've nearly done this!
Okay,
will you trust me!
You do want to see him
again, don't you?
But he's not coming back Kitty,
this is crazy, it's not gonna work!
It will work.
Will you fucking trust me!
(SOBS)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
okay, I'm sorry.
It's only cause I love you so much,
I don't want you to leave me again.
Butterfly kiss.
- No.
- Please.
Don't fucking move, you cunts.
I'm not letting you
anywhere near my boy!
Right, don't fucking move cause
I'm gonna call the police!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
KEN: Just got to find
my phone.
- (OBJECTS CLATTERING)
- (KEN GROANING)
What the fuck's all that?
Snacks and stuff.
We're going to a fuck
party not a picnic, Jim.
Well, I panicked! Okay?
Get the knife.
No, we can't kill him they're
gonna be back any minute!
Get the chloroform then!
(GROANS)
- (GROANING)
- Fucker.
KITTY: Come on!
I'm trying!
Argh, it's here!
Put it on a shirt!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
LULU: There.
(GROANING)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
He's out.
Get him up. Get him up, get him up,
come on, get him up, get him up.
(JIM GROANS)
Bombay mix?
(BOTH GROANING)
Shhh.
Yeah, he just
sort of passed out.
ALEX: Oh, yeah,
sorry, he does that.
Maybe we should wait till
he wakes up or something?
No, you lot just go ahead
and I'll see you in a sec.
Maybe you should stay here with
him, I mean, he is your dad.
No, no, he'll be fine he just, he just needs
to sleep it off, that's all, honestly.
Okay.
(KEN SNORING)
(SNORING)
I love you, Dad.
You all right?
Yeah.
Shit.
What?
It's past midnight,
you're 30.
Wait. What time
were you born?
About 4:00 a.m.
I think.
Well, so we've still got
fucking time then, mate.
I told you I don't break
me promises.
(CAR STARTING)
NEWS READER ON CAR RADIO: A club bouncer
has been found murdered in a ladies toilet
in East London.
Police have released
a statement saying
they do believe this latest incident is
connected to the so called "Man Eaters."
Those two women already hunted by police were
seen hurriedly leaving the club with two men.
Both men may had been under the influence
of a significant amount of drugs.
Police have assured the public they are
extremely close to catching these wo...
KITTY: Take the next left.
Do you, do you wanna
go up to my room?
Yep.
(INAUDIBLE)
Jim, I've got
something to tell you.
Whoa. Okay.
No, it's about me.
I don't think you're gonna like it.
(CHANDELIER JINGLING)
(POP SONG PLAYING)
Turn around.
Take your clothes off.
Yup.
Um...
Kitty, I really like ya.
And I just, I know I talk a lot a...
I talk a lot a bullshit.
But, because I've never,
I never met anyone like you before.
And I just, I just think you're really...
Sorry.
Just tell me,
I promise I won't laugh.
LULU: No I'm pretty sure
you won't.
Oh, my God,
you're a man, aren't you?
No!
I knew there was something...
- LULU: No, Jim I'm not.
- It's the hands you've got the big hands.
- I knew this was too good to be true.
- Will you just listen to me/
Me and Kitty
killed four men.
(LAUGHS)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
I'm so sorry, Jim.
Wait, you were gonna...
The Virgin is supposed
to be the final sacrifice.
- How do you know I'm...
- It's amazing what you can find online.
No, wait, hold on.
(STUTTERS)
The first girl I really like
is a serial killer?
It's not that bad, Kitty did most
of the killings. I just helped her.
Oh, let's get married then!
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(WHISPERING) What the fuck...
(FOOTSTEPS)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(ALEX SCREAMS)
(KITTY SCREAMS)
Well, I'm sorry about that.
I didn't want to hit you
with a piece of wood, did I?
(GRUNTS)
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey?
What the fuck are you doing?
What you getting?
What's all that about?
Are you fucking?
Why is my Jim on the fucking wall
for starters? Right bollocks.
I swear to God if you come any
closer I'm gonna do you in.
I will, come any closer, I fucking will,
promise you, love. Fuck off, fuck off.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
ALEX: Jesus. Fucking love, give us
a rest a minute, please, I promise.
(GRUNTS)
Fuck off!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Fucking hell!
(BOTH STRUGGLING)
Fucking bitch!
ALEX: Fucking hell, love!
(GASPING)
Jesus!
Fucking!
(COUGHING)
I'm pissing blood here!
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Are you fucking serious?
Could we not just
have a truce man?
Don't. Are you real?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
I don't wanna fucking do...
Well, come the fuck on then, man,
I've had it, I ain't playing no more.
Come on, then.
Come on 'en,
come on, then.
Come on.
Come on, then!
Come through it come on.
- Come through then, come through...
- (SCREAMS)
Fuck.
(GRUNTING AND GROANING)
(STRUGGLING)
So wait, your uncle's car,
was that, was that real?
Jesus.
Was anything true?
One thing.
Look she's gone
completely insane.
I don't even know
who she is anymore.
She thinks all of this is
going to bring him back.
Who?
(BOTH STRUGGLING)
ALEX: Fucking hell.
Love, enough's
e-fucking-nough, innit now?
(GROWLS)
Fuck off, love,
I promise ya!
(SCREAMS)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
I'd fucking stay
where you are love.
Please don't fucking
get up now.
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Stay where the fuck you are!
Fucking idiot, man,
you're a fucking divvy!
(SHOUTING) I fucking told ya!
I'm a fucking bloke!
I'm a fucking man!
(SCREAMING)
Stay the fuck down!
Get up then. Bet I fucking dare ya.
Get the fuck up I dare ya!
(SHOUTING) Come on then!
Go on then,
come the fuck on then!
(SHOUTING) Come on!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Oh, fucking hell, love.
Fucking hell.
Fucking just let me
have a fucking minute
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Fucking hell, love,
please please please.
Please.
(STRUGGLING)
ALEX: Fucking hell.
Easy there love.
Fucker.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Please leave me
the fuck alone! I'm sorry!
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SCREAMS)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Fucking Jesus.
(PANTING)
Well I wasn't expecting that.
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(PANTING)
LULU: There's no time to explain to
you, you have to get out of here please.
(STUTTERING)
What about Alex?
No, it's too late.
Please, Jim,
you've got to run!
Go run!
(HEAVY BREATHING)
I can't keep running away,
you know.
I've been running away
from things my whole life.
It's time...
Daddy's waiting.
Come on.
(MOANS)
(WATER RUNNING)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(MOANS)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(CRYING)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
Shush, little boy.
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(BOTH CHANTING)
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING)
Daddy!
Daddy.
I knew it would work.
I did everything
you taught me.
Now what we have to do
is bleed the virgin.
And we can be a family
again, right? Can't we?
Right?
(ROARS)
No!
- (SHOUTING) Shut up!
- LULU: No, please.
Shut the fuck up!
Get him, Daddy!
(MUFFLED SCREAMS)
LULU: Please, Kitty,
don't do this!
Shut up! Shut up!
(ROARS)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(CRYING) Stop it, please.
I am so sick of you!
(MUFFLED) Motherfucker!
Jim, I'm here for you, mate!
(GROWLS)
What is, oh, God... (THUD)
JIM: Fucking idiot!
(MUFFLED ROAR)
Come on, Jim!
Shut up,
you fucking ugly bitch!
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
Get him Daddy!
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
Fuck you, Daddy!
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Daddy!
Daddy. Daddy. Daddy!
No, Daddy.
Daddy. Daddy, no.
(CRYING)
(WHISPERING) Daddy. Daddy.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Get in! Come on!
(SCREAMING)
You ginger fucker!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(GURGLES)
(GURGLES)
(CRIES)
(INHALES)
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
Jim, am I missing
a tooth here, mate?
- No, you look fine.
- Okay.
You should probably run.
(SIREN WAILING)
I'm so sorry,
we tried to kill you, Jim.
I'm sorry, I kicked
your Dad's head off.
(SIREN APPROACHING)
I'll never forget you.
I don't think
I'll forget you either.
Not without a few years
of therapy anyway.
(SIREN APPROACHING)
Bye, Jim.
Bye, Lulu.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(SIREN WAILING)
Armed police,
show me your hands.
Armed police
put your hands in the air.
Put your hands
where I can see them.
Keep your hands in the air.
Walk towards us.
Keep coming towards me.
Stay still.
Put your hands on your head. Interlock
your fingers on top of your head do it now.
Kneel down.
So what's it like kissing
a psychopath?
She's not a psychopath.
ALEX: Did you get her number?
She's going to prison, Alex.
Probably for life.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, well,
yeah she is.
Happy birthday, brother.
Cheers.
I guess I didn't
keep my promise.
There's no rush.
(SIREN WAILING)