To salt lake, and now please
Welcome doug stanhope.
(audience cheers and applauds)
thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
(man shouts in audience)
Yeah, thanks.
I just realized I didn't turn
Off my cell phone, so I'm gonna
Just...Fuck it.
Fuck it.
Don't call me.
Alright.
I should have started stronger
Than this.
Ever look in the mirror in the
Morning and think, "that can't
Be accurate."
Oh it's--that's off by years,
And pounds, and wrinkles, and is
That metric?
Send that to the front desk and
Get that recalibrated 'cause
That is not--that doesn't even
Look like a head anymore.
The fuck have I done to myself?
(laughter)
I'm good at night, don't worry,
It's just the mornings are
Fucking rougher.
I don't do nearly as many drugs
As I should, then I have the
Reputation for it, but mitch
Hedberg, you know mitch hedberg,
Right?
(cheers and applause)
He was a--he was a drug
Enthusiast.
He was a drug connoisseur, and
He died.
Drugs killed him, but they
Didn't ruin his life by any
Stretch.
He really enjoyed--he was good
At--he wasn't someone who
Faltered at it.
He didn't wake up, "and oh,
Shit.
I should really work on myself,
And I--I need to rethink
This."
That guy fucking loved doing
Drugs the entire time he was
Alive, maybe up until that last
Minute where he went--
(gasps)
That might have not been as much
Fun, but still.
And now his family, his
Beautiful, beautiful family, and
Mary and arne, and if you ever
See this, don't take it
Personal, but his family set up
A mitch hedberg charity.
It's a mitch hedberg golf
Tournament to go to support a
Rehabilitation facility.
They took everything that he was
About, turned it on its ass.
He hated sports.
He loved drugs.
And you have a fucking charity,
Sponsoring.
It's like if the guy who died
On the luge in the olympics had
His family come out and have
A charity pie-eating contest to
Keep kids out of sports.
Stay on the couch, you get fat,
Kids.
It was just everything he was
Against for everything he
Loved, and they did that because
I guess it would have been too
Tasteless to have a charity
Event where you get--actually
For a buck a shovel literally
Dig up his grave and turn him
Upside down...
And then bury it back.
(audience applauds and shouts)
His parents are so sweet, and I
Was very tentative about
Putting that on a dvd, but it's
Such a funny--it's just--rehab
Is just such fraud.
It's just this cottage industry
Of nonsense junk science,
Fucking dr. Drew pinsky should
Be just--he's like--I've never
Done a bit about someone for--
You do bits, and you fake anger,
And you write a bit, you know,
You have passion for it, and
Then you do it too many times,
And then you have to work up the
Anger, and I've never had to do
That when talking about dr.
Drew pinsky for fucking years.
Just hearing his name, this bile
Comes out of me 'cause it's--
(audience applauds and shouts)
It started--if there is a war
On drugs, he is the joseph
Goebbels' propaganda minister of
Lies, and it started out with
Just the celebrity rehab, and
That was a--it's a dumb show.
But what made it important--dr.
Drew is a real doctor.
That's what you have to keep in
Mind.
He's an actual--he's not a fake
Dr. Phil.
He's an actual, went to medical
School, has a diploma over his
Desk, real doctor spreading this
Nonsense, and it started with
"celebrity rehab," which was a
Guilty pleasure.
It was fun to watch.
They, you know, call in all
These d-level celebrities.
Let them shake off the dts for a
Couple of days with cameras in
Their faces 24/7, and then
They'd send them boating with
Gary busey 'cause that's what a
Medical professional would tell
You to do in that situation,
And instead of being stripped of
His credentials for this,
Instead of being drug out in
The street and beaten and tied
Shirtless to a telephone pole
Out front of this place so
Garage bands could staple flyers
To his chest to promote their
Upcoming gig, and then the other
Band would draw a dick picture
On the thing, and they'd tear
That off and put up a new
Poster, and eventually drew
Pinsky would die the slow
Bleeding death of a thousand
Weeping pinhole bleeds.
Instead of that happening, what
Happened is it gave him
Credibility.
People took him seriously.
And that's what makes you crazy,
Is not that these buffoons exist
In life, but the fact that it
Was--like the sarah palins or
The glenn becks or whoever
Where you ah--if everyone was
Laughing at them, you'd go,
"ah, what a--" but when they're
Taking--drew pinsky now is the
Go-to guy for any kind of
Celebrity, you know, any--any
Heath ledger issue, any fucking
Michael jackson, he's the guy
That the mainstream media goes
To.
"joining us tonight to talk
About one of the coreys that
Died.
We don't know which corey.
No one really cares.
But to discuss the tragedy,
Joining us tonight, celebrity
Rehabilitation expert, dr.
Drew pinsky, welcome to the
Show."
You know, first of all, how are
You a celebrity rehabilitation
Expert?
How do you get that designation?
At what point in medical school
Did your professor pull you to
The side?
"drew, come here a second, I
Wanna talk to you.
Listen, I have been watching
Your work.
I have been watching you poke
Around the cadavers and do what
You do with the smug look on
Your face.
Did anyone ever tell you that
You have a keen eye for the rich
And famous?
You should really go in that
Direction.
I think you have a natural gift
To be an ambulance chaser to the
Stars.
You fucking would step over a
Dozen dying winos in the street
Just to get to lindsay lohan's
Bedside to offer unsolicited
Advice to charlie sheen via
Twitter as a medical
Professional is wont to do."
Yeah, yeah, dr. Drew pinsky,
Celebrity rehabilitation expert.
It's like if I were a
Gynecologist, but I've found
That I--I specialize in really
Young, hot...
Shaved...
Stinkless pussy.
That's where I found--I just
Had a knack.
It was like a gift from god,
Just teenage norwegian pussy is
All I really work with anymore
Because I wanna give back.
I wanna give of myself, you
Puddle of shit.
And what they don't show you,
When they've--they're treating
This.
Remember this is a deadly
Disease.
Addiction is--here it comes
Again, watch.
Ah, ah.
This might look like a choice,
But it's not.
This is a deadly affliction.
Mmm, mmm.
There's no such thing as
Addiction.
I mean on the most minor levels,
There are--if you're a hardcore
Substance abuser, there is a
Physical addiction where you
Might need a medical detox for a
Few days to--so you don't
Seizure up and swallow your
Tongue.
After that, it's done.
Then it's a choice.
It's right back to a fucking
Choice.
(shudders)
whoo!
and there's no such thing as
Addiction.
There's only things that you
Enjoy doing more than life,
(audience cheers and applauds)
And that's-- it's not just drugs
And alcohol, fucking sex
Addiction,
Eat too much pie, but, yeah--
It's what you wanna do.
And what they don't show you in
Any of these shows is--what are
You-- what do you do with
These-- you have all these shows
Exploiting shitheads.
You know, "intervention."
"intervention's" an hour-long
Show and 52 minutes of it is
Some fucking stumblebum being
Followed around by a camera,
Shitting his pants, puking in
Trashcans and losing his job
Because that's fun to watch.
It really is.
It's easily exploitable.
That's why cigarettes--they're
Far more dangerous than anything
That they show, like an
Intervention, but you don't see
That episode.
There's not the--the cigarette,
Because no one wants to watch
52 minutes of a guy going...
(laughter)
"it's killing me."
So they have to get the
Stumblebum just, you know,
Shitting his pants and knocking
Over the turkey at his aunt
Nancy's house on thanksgiving
Morning because you're trying to
Drink her mouthwash because it's
Fun to watch.
But what they don't ever show
You is the cure.
If these shows are supposed to
Be informational and
Educational, what the fuck do
You do?
What's the cure?
You show me 52 minutes of the
Guy fucking up and being
Hilarious, and then you fast
Forward through the intervention
Part 'cause no one wants to
Watch that.
That's just boring idiot family
Members reading hallmark cards
They wrote themselves.
"you didn't show up to sherry's
Graduation and-- "
So what do you--what happened?
And the only cure they show--
They show--oh yeah, and we flew
Him to palos altos, california
For a rehab, and he hasn't drank
Since 2007.
Well, what did you do there?!
That might be a good focal point
Of the show, is the cure for
This deadly disease!
What is the cure, dr. Drew?
Tell me what you're gonna do
With charlie sheen if you get
Him.
How do you fucking cure these
People?
All you do is show me, you know,
Boating with gary busey.
What's the cure?
"well, we get them involved in
A--we put him in a rehab."
Well, what do you do in the
Rehab?
"well, it's a--it's a
Treatment."
Well, what is the fucking
Treatment?
"well, we get them involved in a
Program."
Stop with the buzz words and
Tell me what exactly is the
Cure!
"oh, the cure specifically is--
(coughs)
Uh, god."
What?
What?
"yes...
(coughs)
God."
That's what you do?
That's all I do.
All these rehabs, all they do is
Funnel you into a 12-step
Program, aa and the like, and
Any 12-step program is a
God-based program.
It's like seven of the 12 steps
Are about god and giving your
Life to god.
You're a fucking medical doctor
With a diploma over your desk.
You treat one thing and one
Thing only, and the only cure
You have for it is god?
Even your religious friends do
Not wanna hear about god during
A medical diagnosis.
It's the last word you ever
Wanna hear from a doctor.
"you know, doc, my fucking lymph
Nodes are swollen out of my
Neck.
I look like a bullfrog.
I'm shitting blood with
Clumps in it.
I can't keep food down."
"ooh, sounds like someone needs
A higher power."
(audience cheers and applauds)
"can't we do some blood work
First, series of antibiotics,
Get a cat scan?"
"no, get on your knees and pray,
Faggot."
You're a doctor?
"yeah, I'm on tv, too."
(laughter)
Aa makes scientology look
Credible.
It's--it's at least--
Scientology or any fucking
Mormons or christians or
Muslims, at least the major cult
Religions have a consistent
Dogma where aa is so splatter
Shot and made up on the fly.
Aa tells you to make up your own
God if you don't already have a
God.
The big book of aa--I grew up
In aa, and I believed all this
Shit was true.
My mother was in aa, so as a kid
Doing homework in the back of
Meetings listening to this shit.
There's a chapter to the
Agnostic in the big book, their
Bible, and you'd go oh, oh
Chapter to the agnostic, this
Will teach you how to use this
Program as a reasonable grown-up
Adult human being.
No, they don't do that.
No, the chapter to the agnostic
Tells you how to stop being
Agnostic and start believing in
A little bit of god, you
Stubborn little fella.
You gotta believe in him.
And it tells you if you don't
Already have a god, make up your
Own, and you go, "I'm a drunk.
I can't even make up a good
Excuse for why I pissed in the
Sock drawer last night."
This is probably--
(audience cheers and applauds)
Probably--probably not a good
Time for me to be creating
Omnipotent deities that I will
Lay my life down before for the
Rest.
you're our god, doug.
me a god, yes, yes, and you
Are my fucking satan.
First step of aa, you have to
Admit that you're powerless over
Alcohol and that your life has
Become unmanageable, and then
They go onto the next step
Which you have to turn your life
And your will over to a power
Higher than yourself.
And you go, "I was a
Freethinking atheist coming
Into this bullshit, but since I
Went along with you on that
First step on a goof where I'm
Powerless over alcohol, I guess
Then by default, alcohol would
Have to be my only higher power,
So...
(audience cheers and applauds)
I'll go with the--I'll go with
Vodka, I guess.
If I am to be a monotheist and
Pick just one, I will go with
Vodka.
It's a good all occasions.
It mixes well in the morning
With a nice citrus beverage.
Makes a good christmas drink
With neighbor dave and evil e.
The people say, well, what's--
You know, what's the big deal?"
And by people, I mean all you
Shitheads on my facebook page
That every time I say something
Anti-aa or pro-charlie sheen
Or anti dr. Drew--
"stanhope, I'm normally with you
On, you know, most of everything
You say, but you really--you're
Off the--off the mark on this.
Drug abuse is a really serious
Problem.
It's a serious issue.
So what's the problem if someone
Has to believe in a higher power
To get them through?"
That's not the problem!
The problem is when a medical
Professional who is on every
Goddamn night on the fucking
News is telling you, you have a
Disease that's not a disease,
And he's telling you the cure is
A god that doesn't exist.
It's a big fucking problem.
What's your problem?
What's your problem?
So what?
It's a problem.
It's a problem of the earth.
I got bladder cancer and you're
Applying leeches instead of
Doing research.
(laughter)
It's a huge problem.
I have comics that will call me
Up because of the economy, like,
"dude, how you doing on the
Road out there?
You getting beat up?
Like, how--"
You go like, I drink as much
As I ever drank, yeah.
I feel like shit physically, but
I'm not like--I'm not in agony
But I feel lethargic for years,
Or decade maybe.
It's just my piss stinks.
That's not normal.
I was in fucking anchorage for a
Summer solstice at becker's
House, outside I'm pissing on a
Pine tree, and they're having a
Barbecue.
I'm like 20 yards away pissing
On a pine tree, and my buddy
Billy, bad fireman says, "dude,
Is that your piss?"
You could smell my piss?
He's like, "god damn it, what's
Wrong with you?"
I don't--I don't know.
I don't know.
My kidneys are fucking
Defective?
I don't know.
Taking a leak on a tree in the
Great wilderness of alaska
Should not be a "who farted?"
Situation.
So maybe--yeah, maybe I'm
Getting beat up, like, my
Internal organs.
I shit.
I shit a lot during the day, but
I always--I mean like ten times,
But not a lot of product.
They're just like clumps, and
It comes out in a consistency.
If it's not just sheer liquid,
It's like thick mud.
Do you ever see history channel,
And you're watching like g.I.'s
In world war ii trying to push a
Jeep out of deep mud and it's
Just that like packed--it's like
Soft-serve ice cream.
It comes out like that, but not
A lot at a time.
It's just--it's almost like a--
And I don't know if my organs
Are just--I'm way too fat in the
Middle to--for as little as I
Eat.
I just--it's just in the middle
Part is always bloated, so I
Don't know if my organs from all
The drinking, or the liver and
Kidneys are swelling up and
Pushing against the
Gastrointestinal tract and
Making it hard for the shit to
Get--like shit has to push its
Way through like a--like an
Offensive line, a fourth and
One, it's just--so you gotta--
You don't have to get the whole
Football over the line, just get
A piece over the line and we--
Touchdown.
And then my friend the comic on
The other line will say, "no, I
Meant beat up like ticket sales.
How does--how is--like the
Economy is all in the rubbish
And--"
Oh, sorry about that whole
Soliloquy about my chewing-
Tobacco loads of dumps that I
Take.
Yeah, tickets are fine.
If you wanna feel bad for
Someone in a down-turned
Economy, I'll give you someone.
Prostitutes, because a
Prostitute doesn't have that
Same worst-case scenario b-plan
That we all enjoy.
No matter how shitty things are
Going for you on the job.
"danny, if they lay off any more
People, I'm gonna be out on the
Street sucking dicks for a
Living.
I got nothing else.
I'm serious."
Hooker doesn't have that same
Safety net.
Hookers are already out there
Sucking dicks.
Here is a hooker jugging a cock,
A fucking sour-milk-smelling
Cock behind a dumpster right now
And she's staring up at your
Office building thinking, "they
Lay off any more people, more
People gonna be out here sucking
Dicks, it's gonna be a buyer's
Market.
More people out here sucking
Dicks.
I'm gonna have to start doing
Anal just to compete in the
Marketplace.
Woman my age shouldn't have to
Do anal.
I ain't built right for it no
More.
I gotta do exercises in the
Morning.
I do squat thrusts, trying to
Strengthen up my shit pussy in
Case this whole thing goes
Bust.
I'm doing ass kegels every
Morning.
You can't afford to get all
Loosey-goosey down in your ass
Pussy, not in this economy.
If you get baggy in your shit
Pussy, you'd be tonguing ass for
A living.
That ain't proper work for no
Human being.
If you tongue ass, you gotta get
Up early, sugar.
Set your alarm clock and get
Down to construction site before
The boys in the orange vests
Show up and wait for them.
Take all the toilet paper out,
Wait for them to take that
Gravely good morning and
Starbucks shit.
You hear them scratching around
On the fiberglass.
You go, 'there ain't no toilet
Paper in there, sugarplum, but
I'll clean you out real good for
25 dollars.'
That ain't no way for a
Human being to make a living.
You call that getting the blood
Diamond.
Get in here and get the blood
Diamond.
Where amnesty international
Now?
If you do anal, you gotta watch
Your diet.
Can't--can't eat no more gummy
Bears, no more licorice whips.
Can't swallow your gum.
No more canned cheese.
Gotta eat triscuit wafers, get
Fiber in your diet.
You gotta keep regular,
Princess.
If you're gonna have regular
Clientele, you gotta be
Regular in your ass pussy.
You can't get baggy in your shit
Pussy in a bad economy.
This whole motherfucking economy
Built on a house of cards.
First of all, you gotta get this
Shit, get that federal reserve
Back on a gold standard.
What the fuck is that?
We got government printing off
Fiat currency.
You're building a whole
Motherfucking house of cards.
It's a charade fiat currency.
The consumer gotta understand
That the currency only have as
Much value as the consumer
Have faith in the currency, you
Gotta back that shit up with
Precious metal, buttface.
Fuck keynesian economic
Philosophy.
That's what I'm saying to you,
Angela.
Fuck keynes and his philosophy.
Dig up that dead jew milton
Friedman.
He's a nobel peace prize winner,
Motherfucking economic major.
You dig up that dead jew.
Ask milton friedman, dead jew
Corpse, what he thinks about the
Current economic crisis, and he
Would tell you, 'you better
Strengthen up your shit pussy,
Baby, 'cause this whole economy
Is going down.'
Sometimes I carry a little baby
Carrot in my asshole when I walk
The street, and I just suckle on
That motherfucker."
(laughter)
Don't you like how I made that
Urban hooker real smart at the
End?
She was a fucking--she was
Saying shit I don't even
Understand.
I need a fucking black cock.
I need a--is there a--is there
Any black cock in here?
Hey, can we do that when we edit
This out?
When we edit this, just like
Don't even use this audience,
Just smash cut to the, like a
Martin lawrence show audience,
It's just all-black people just
Laughing hysterically at me?
'cause that looks so much
Cooler, and people would be, "I
Don't know he was like--
I guess he's a big, like, urban
Act, this doug stanhope."
But I need a picture of a black
Cock, if you have a--if there's
Black cock in here and you want
A model after this show.
I mean--this is--wasn't even a
Bit when I first started asking.
It was a serious--
I need a picture of me with a
Fat black cock just slapped
Across my open mouth, sideways,
Like, ahhh.
Like a fucking bratwurst,
A at packer tailgating--
Ahhh!
It doesn't have to be giant.
It's just sizeable.
It has to be photogenic
Veiny black cock.
Your face doesn't have to be in
It.
Just--we can crop that out.
Just me, ahhh.
I have a picture I keep in my
Wallet of my father's corpse.
My father died in 2001.
He was just a fat nice guy.
He died at 73.
He had colon cancer.
It had just fucking tore him
Apart.
He was a fat nice guy.
He was always nice, and he made
Blueberry pancakes, and he
Didn't have opinions, he just
Smiled, and he's fat, and then,
He was down to like 78 pounds,
And I have a picture of me
Kissing him on the forehead,
Moments after he died.
I'm all full of fucking tears.
And I keep that picture in my
Wallet to show people who show
Me baby pictures.
(laughter and applause)
"oh, you see.
Did you know I had a baby?
Look at this."
You go, "oh, you had a baby.
Well, this is--this is how that
Ends.
This is what--this is what you
Made.
That's what you made.
Did you consider that before you
Had that hubris to fucking just
Create people without their
Consent?
Because that's gonna be your
Corpse one day, and that'll be
Your crying child not
Understanding why someone who's
Done nothing but be really nice
To people has to be fucking
Raped to death with shit cancer
By nature like that, and then it
Will be your baby's corpse with
A gray death mask, and when you
Touch their cheeks, all the cold
Drool that's built up in their
Open mouth spills onto your
Hand.
Do you want a copy?"
And that's why--that's why I
Want the black cock photo to go
As a companion piece.
Ahhh.
Because I use the word "faggot"
Very liberally and I never
Attach sexuality to it.
It's just a fun word of
Weakness, and it's happy.
I love homosexuality.
I promote it.
You fuck and you don't leave
Fucking garbage on the earth
Because of it.
You know, fucking nothing.
I don't have to look at pictures
Of the results.
Yeah, fucking homosexuality.
I fucking--I support
Wholeheartedly, and I use the
Word "nigger" when nigger's the
Appropriate word, like, or if
I'm just quoting mel gibson.
I'm not gonna say, "oh, and then
He said I hope you get raped by
A pack of n-words."
No, it's fucking nigger.
It's a sound you can make with
Your mouth and fucking get over
It.
If you're offended by any word
In any language, it's probably
Because your parents were unfit
To raise a child.
They were too stupid.
They should have been neutered
Because all it is a sound you
Can make with your mouth that
You shouldn't be--it's not a
Weakness that you have
Naturally.
When you come out of that pink
Ugly hole onto this planet,
You're nothing but a gooey
Shrieking wrinkled ball of
Weakness.
That's all you are.
You're just weak.
You're nothing but weak, and
Your parents look at that, and
They think not weak enough.
We can make this thing even
Weaker by training it pavlovian
To react poorly to different
Sounds that you can make with
Your mouth.
We'll list them up.
This is the worst thing.
If anyone ever says this sound,
Blah la, la la la,
That's the worst thing they can
Call you, so make sure to recoil
And cry and be hurt and
Devastated and eat ice cream on
A couch for days and then write
A song about it.
You wouldn't do that otherwise.
You'd just be happier if your
Parents didn't fuck it up with
Their stupid--you'd just be a
Happier person.
I could just walk right up to
You and go, "hey, cunt," and
You'd go, "no, I'm rebecca,
But I guess I have a face that
Looks like a lot of different
People.
What's your name?
Welcome to salt lake."
But your parents ruined that,
And that's a--I just need a
Fucking picture of the fucking
Giant black cock and me just
Feasting on it with fucking
Magic in my eyes.
Ahhh.
That way people get upset.
You know, if you say faggot, and
You say it's just a sound, but
You know what?
If you grew up with an
Alternative lifestyle like I
Did, and you were taunted on a
Schoolyard, and you go, "hang
On, sugarplum, look right here,
Just look at that picture.
You relaxed now?"
Ah...
See?
Can I just--
Because I don't care.
"nigger" is just, yo, you think
That's--you're edgy to throw
That around, and you know, but
You don't--the history of
Hatred with that word, you go,
"hang on, look right here.
Look, do you know what black
Cock tastes like?
Then why don't you study your
Roots a little bit more like I
Did?
And in the meantime, back off."
Who is the faggot nigger now,
Huh?
Who is the faggot nigger now?
(crowd whistles and applauds)
Have you ever considered
Registering as a sex offender
Just so you have a legitimate
Excuse for why your friends
Can't bring their stupid
Children over to your house?
That's all it would take.
That's all it would take.
I never thought--oh wait, that's
So easy.
I'd just put myself on a web
Site somewhere.
And then your friend calls up,
"yeah, you're having a Monday
Night football party, shit,
Yeah, I wanna come.
I got custody this week though.
You don't mind if I bring jimmy
Junior and the baby, do you?"
You go, "oh, yeah, jim, I'd love
To see the kids.
You know they're a treasure at
Every party, but, uh, I had an
Incident years back, and now I'm
On a watchdog site, so why don't
You just leave those kids locked
In a hot car and you bring beer
Like anyone else would do at a
Party?"
Who thinks that's okay?
"plus I'm a huge saints fan, and
I might fuck the shit out of
Your kids if they're ahead at
Half-time because I'm real
Superstitious, so, yeah, you
Bring cold beer like anyone else
Would do."
Because we moved to a small town
In arizona.
We live in a town--bisbee,
Arizona.
It's a beautiful little town,
6,000 people on the mexican
Border.
It's far away from anything
And anyone, but you have to,
Like, be polite to people.
It's not like here, "fuck you
Faggots," and I run out the
Backdoor, and I don't come back
For two years and--
And people do, they'll just
Bring their children to a party.
They don't even ask.
Like who would think that's okay
To bring kids?
It's like you've invited me to
Your wedding, and I go, "just
Brought chickens with me.
I got a pen full of chickens.
I won't even ask.
I'll just bring them and assume
That's okay.
"I brought my chickens.
Yeah, congratulations.
Yeah, they squawk and peck and--
But they won't hurt anyone
They'll just fucking bring this
Whole shindig down."
So you try to be polite,
Passive-aggressive, "oh yeah,
You you might not wanna bring
Your kids to this party.
There' a lot of my comic friends
Are gonna be here.
It gets out of control.
And then they'd think you're
Worried about their kids.
No, I'm worried about my party,
Asshole.
"oh, come on, don't worry about
The kids.
They've heard every word in the
Book."
Yeah, except for fuck off, they
Haven't heard those words often
Enough 'cause it's a party, man.
"put them in a corner, they'll
Entertain themselves."
Yeah, while they irritate
Everybody else.
It's partying.
My friends are doing fucking
Rails of prescription drugs
They've chopped up, crush a
Giant line of adderall, and they
Snort it off a coffee table and
Get to the end, and then your
Fucking pie-faced kids playing
With a goddamn choo-choo train.
"ah!
Oh! Ah!
I wanna go home."
It's a buzz kill.
It's horrific.
That's the only drugs to do in
Bisbee.
It's kind of a dry town.
Drugs come through bisbee,
That's what's fucked up.
We're on the mexican border
Where they have border patrol,
National guard, minutemen,
Militias, trying to stop the
Flow of aliens and drugs coming
Through, but all those drugs are
Coming through, they don't stop.
I'd lived there six years.
It's the driest place I've ever
Seen.
So I can--there's no weed if
You--I don't smoke it,
Occasionally, but there's blow
That's torn apart and stepped
On.
It's like a 3-2-blow.
Hey, little local, gotcha, huh?
A little local gotcha.
Hey, I'm so clever.
Here's a big night in bisbee.
Sometimes I'll take two xanax
And two laxatives at bedtime,
And I'll play chicken in my
Sleep.
That's a thrill ride.
That's a hometown thrill ride
Because it's kind of like three
Highs at once, because it starts
Out as a downer, turns into
Gambling...
Wakes up as a huge amphetamine,
Like, "oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."
You do that on the road, it's
Not really a risk 'cause that's
Not really your bed.
But you do that at the house in
Your own tempur-pedic, you wake
Up with a jolt.
"ah, oh, oh, oh, oh."
Won again, I won again.
Double or nothing?
Sometimes in bisbee, I'll take
Two xanax and two laxatives, and
I'll play chicken in my sleep.
I'll play chicken in my sleep.
I'll play chicken in my sleep.
I'll take two ex-lax, two xanax,
Play chicken in my sleep.
I'll play chicken in my sleep.
I'll play chicken in my sleep.
I'm just trying to point out to
You how lazy songwriters are.
You overrated, do-nothing,
Over-celebrated, lazy
Motherfucker.
You have three minutes to fill a
Song, and you sing the same shit
Over and over and over.
I have to do an hour and 10
Minutes up here, every word has
To be different.
They all have to go in one
Direction.
They can't be open to
Interpretation because they
Don't make sense, and they're
Kooky.
Yes, and I get dick, you get
Fucking grammy awards, and
Accolades, and pussy, and I
Get--I get a hot shot of
Jagermeister for my trouble.
You got three minutes.
Yes, sally has to slow the
Mustang down, I understand that.
What's the rest of the story?
You already said it once.
It's a chorus.
No, it's sloth.
Write a fucking song.
I've--I've grown such a palpable
Distaste or distrust of artists.
Artists--and keep in mind, when
I say I don't like artists,
Remember I--anything that I
Don't understand or can't do is
Stupid...
(audience cheers)
Whatever it is.
Roller skating, faggy, it's
Because I can't barely stand up
On shoes, much less skates.
Yeah, everything--so art is
Stupid to me anyway 'cause I
Don't--but artists, we--we
Live in an artist community.
I've found that artists can
Generally be as self-righteous
And humorless and intolerant as
Even the fucking religious
Right.
They can be a huge bucket of
Cunts.
They're fucking awful--
"no, that's not-- "
And that's why we moved to
Bisbee, it's an artist
Community.
I had to get the fuck out of
L.A.
I have been to this town a bunch
Of times.
It's a cool beautiful little
Town, and I'd go, "oh, and it's
An artist community."
I'm an impulse buy kind of guy,
"so alright, let's just go," and
We moved there, like yeah,
Bought a house, no turning back.
It turns out my art doesn't
Really fit in the whole cog and
Gears of an artist community.
I don't--I'm an artist, too, and
It'll be fun, and we'll live
With other kind of artsy--
"no, not you."
If you can imagine an arts
Fair, and then imagine my booth.
So--so it doesn't--doesn't
Really kind of mesh, and you try
To like "oh, you're an artist
Too?
I just moved into town.
What--what kind of art?
Oh, you make turquoise belt
Buckles.
Oh, I'm an artist as well.
Maybe we can hang out.
Right now I'm working on a piece
About how a lot of the corpses
From that japanese tsunami that
Got swept out to sea when they
Washed up days and weeks later,
They kind of looked korean,
Which is weird because that's
Basically the major difference
Between, and I think that asian
Women are the most beautiful
Women on the planet.
Pound for pound, per capita,
Asian women are the most
Beautiful, except for the ugly
Ones, they're just--
Oh, but they are more pretty per
Person, and that--and that's the
Major difference between the
Japanese and the korean is that
The japanese have more of an
Angular feature where the korean
Has a more like a swollen boxy
Bucket head like it's soaked in
Saltwater for a long time, but
Still beautiful, beautiful
Nonetheless.
I think they're--and I'm not
Sexualizing them either.
When I say that asian women are
Beautiful, it's not a sexual
Thing.
I'm not being degrading.
I find them sexually repulsive
Because I--I don't like that
Whole subservient, ah-ha-ha-ha.
Have you ever seen japanese
Shit porn where they,
Ah-ha-ha-ha?
You know, the picture with the
Girl upside down in the tub
With the geyser of shit coming
Out.
I don't know.
I don't know how much time you
Spend on the internet.
Not trying to be an internet
Snob.
Don't like them.
I'll fucking occasionally find a
Picture like that and send it
Out on the fucking news feeds,
On the twitters, and all that,
And then people will go, "that's
Like 2005."
You go, it's the fucking
Internet, faggot.
It's like 8 billion channels.
Don't act like it's 1983, and I
Just found "mork & mindy."
Alright?
Yeah, it's fucking the internet.
But yeah, the asian women, not
Sexualizing them, they're gross.
I like more of a german
Dominatrix-y, like mean--you
Fucking tongue out my fucking
Unwashed ass, you fucking fat
Faggot, not ha-ha-ha.
I'm not degrading japanese women
By it.
I'm not sexualizing them.
I'm saying they have gungy
Cunts, too.
That's another thing.
If you look like--
High-definition ruined a lot of
Things that I used to hold
Sacrosanct in pornography, and a
Japanese vagina is one of them
Because, yeah, with that kind
Of clarity, it's a--it tends to
Be like jaundiced around the
Edges.
You know how overweight people's
Inner thighs get when they rub
Together, they become
Discolored.
A japanese vagina is a really
Gungy looking, and the hair--
It's not a--you know, not too
Much hair, but the hair that's
There is always matted.
When you have the perfect
Porcelain skin of a china doll,
That's no place for the random
Black wiry ass hair of a rodent.
It's just--it just sticks out
Like a bed spring.
So I'm not sexualizing them.
I'm saying they're beautiful as
People like art.
They're beautiful like art.
And I'm working on an art piece
About how maybe that's how the
Korean culture started is
Japanese people swimming away
From an evil emperor across the
Sea of japan and then drowning
Right close to the shores of
Korea and then becoming korea,
Which doesn't make sense because
Dead people can't procreate, but
That's why I'm talking to you as
An artist, maybe we can help
Each other.
I'll talk to you about your belt
Buckles, throw in--spitball
Some ideas, maybe put a third
Piece of turquoise on the belt
Buckle, make it a triangle.
It'll kind of look like the
State of texas.
You could probably sell more in
This area, and you might say to
Me, "hey, tone down on the gungy
Cunts of the jap--japaniards,"
And together we could become
Better artists, but instead of
That, they just stare at me
Blankly and never call back.
(laughter and applause)
So it's--it's--
It's a trying place, the artist
Community, but we have a big
Fence.
Again, I am gonna put that in
There for later for continuity
Reasons.
Artists who say that they're
Artists are usually people who
Need a job.
Like if you ask, what do you do?
And they say, "I'm an artist,"
Rather than just say what the
Fuck they do, it's because they
Do an art no one really wants to
See, and it's kind of a--it's a
Shit bag trick because it forces
You to act like you're
Interested.
If I say, what do you do?
It's because I'm in a pinch, I
Have nothing else to say.
What do you do?
Now you say I'm an artist which
Forces me, puts the onus on me
To act like I'm interested in
Art by saying, "oh really?
What type of art?"
Which is invariably something no
One wants to see.
Oh I'm a playwright.
Oh yeah, that needs to be done
Over and over again.
You know we have movies now.
They took the place of plays.
They're not two separate things.
We've made movies 'cause plays
Suck and we could make movies
All of a sudden, 'cause a play
Is an awkward thing to watch.
Have you ever seen a play?
Is there anything more
Embarrassing and fucking filthy
To sit through?
I don't like any form of live
Entertainment where there is a
Fourth wall, where you pay $150
For a front row broadway
Tickets, and I have some asshole
Who pretends you're not here,
While I pretend to drive a
Motorboat or I fence with a guy.
That's rude.
whoo!
I'm-- "we're belly dancers."
Oh, good.
Yeah, well, how does that work
Again, the belly dancing?
Oh, when we took titty dancing,
Removed all the fun and
Sexuality, and replaced it with
Jangly clangy things that scare
The shit out of your dogs.
We're belly dancers."
No, you're fat girls.
Put on a robe, alright?
Come on.
I don't have anything near a
6-pack myself, but I'm not gonna
Throw wind chimes on a beer gut
And call it free expression.
Artist communities love to
Bullshit each other and
Glad-hand one another, and
There's no room for the fucking
Crippling honesty of comedy.
"I'm a painter."
Well, you don't probably need to
Do that.
At some point, yeah, you had to
Paint to--yeah, cavemen did
That because they didn't have a
Word for a fucking "arrow" and
"deer."
If you're painting something
That doesn't exist, I understand
That.
I can appreciate, like, salvador
Dali shit, like melting
Clocks.
I'm a tripper.
I don't see melting clocks a
Lot.
That's something I can stare at.
But if you're painting--oh it's
A barnyard seen in autumn.
Well, then just take a picture
Of a barn in autumn.
It's way better than a
Painting.
"well, you just don't appreciate
It because you're shallow."
You have to look at all the
Detail that the artist put into
Every tiny brushstroke.
Well, look at the detail in 9
Billion megapixels on a fucking
Camera.
Someone worked their ass off to
Make that fucking computer chip,
Some woman in hong kong with a
Diamond glass trying to put a
Chip together with all those
Megapixels, she's as much of an
Artist as you.
She doesn't get a gallery
Showing every Friday and get to
Grow out her armpit hair without
Explanation.
What about her?
What about her?
(audience cheers and applauds)
I really don't like art with a
Message unless the message is
Crystal clear.
It doesn't--if you have a
Message that really needs to be
Said, just fucking say it.
Don't hide it in indecipherable
Lyrics, fucking sculpture.
It's a play, and there's
Subtext.
Fucking say it 'cause the people
Who need to hear messages are
Dumb as shit.
The masses of humanity are dumb
As shit, and you're really just
Pandering to your friends.
Say what the fuck you mean.
Just say it, title the song,
Eat more leafy greens.
Yeah, give a hoot, don't
Pollute.
It's as much message in art
Combined 'cause I get that.
It's a poem, but I'm pretty sure
You're saying don't pollute.
But if you have something--
"ooh I have the cure for cancer,
And I have hidden it in this
Rubik's cube."
Just fucking say it.
Art with a message.
'cause I don't care anymore.
Like I used to have some type of
Social relevance in my act, and
There was a point where I--I
Really gave a shit about stuff
To a--to a point where it was
Ruining my life.
And I guess like 10 years ago I
Thought well, yeah, you know,
I'm gonna - I'm gonna change the
World.
I'm gonna talk about stuff.
In 20 years of comedy, I've
Probably had a dozen good points
That I reflect on and go,
That was actually a really
Fucking good piece, and it
Really--it had a point that
Made sense, but the whole
Changing the world thing never
Really kicked in.
The revolution I was starting
Where I thought I could yell at
200 people in a bar every night
And change the world, yeah, it
Didn't--didn't quite happen,
Like egypt and syria.
Yeah.
And it's--it's frustrating,
Because you do a bit, and then
You'd go, "oh, that's fucking
Really good, and then it just--
The problem is still there.
And someone will say, "oh,
Abortion's back in the news."
And you go, "why?
I already solved that on a 2004
Release.
How can it possibly still exist?
I've yelled at thousands of
Drunk people about that.
Maybe I'll rewrite it and
Repackage it."
It gets frustrating as shit
Where you're like I don't care.
Fuck it.
Fuck everyone.
It's just frustrating as if you
Live in a world full of starving
People where occasionally you
Could point out food that no one
Else seemed to notice, for a
Living, where you go on stage
And you'd go, "did you ever
Notice there's a plate of
Nachos right over there?"
And people would go, "oh, he's
So right, there is a plate of
Nachos.
I never noticed that."
But instead of eating them,
They shove them up their noses
And assholes for entertainment
Value and get no nutrition out
Of it even though they're
Fucking starving to death.
And it's not just the audience
Or the world, even my own social
Circle, people who fucking--
"doug, you know, what you said
About gay marriage, that was
Right on the money.
Marriage itself is an antiquated
Institution.
It has no place in a progressive
Society.
It has nothing that anyone needs
To do.
I'm still getting married on
Saturday though 'cause janice
Doesn't really--yeah, she
Doesn't get your act.
She doesn't think you're funny,
So we're getting married, but
It's a really good point though.
And what you said--that one
Thing you said, overpopulation.
You're right, doug.
You're not really funny anymore,
But you're right.
What you said about
Overpopulation, most of the
World's problems are based on
Overpopulation.
There's just too many god damn
People.
We're still gonna have the baby
'cause janice's biological clock
Is ticking, and plus we live in
A gated community.
It's not really overpopulation
If you're gonna afford to send
It to a montessori school is
My take, but it's right--
What you're doing is a good
Thing, and you should keep doing
It, and don't die on us.
What you said about drugs,
You're right on the money, doug.
Drugs, I never thought of it
Like that.
It's a private property issue.
All drugs should be legal 'cause
Your body is your own private
Property.
You own your own meat.
If you own nothing else in the
World, you own the fucking meat
That's packing your bones.
Yeah, so all the drugs - yeah,
It doesn't matter what it is.
Drugs, to fucking, just put a
Needle in your arm, tattoo
Yourself, pierce yourself,
Fucking eat cheese sandwiches,
Throw cheese sandwiches down
Your top hatch till you're so
Fat you have to pay for two
Seats on southwest airlines.
That's your prerogative 'cause
You own your own meat.
Do whatever you want to it.
Drink yourself silly.
You find something living
Rent free in your uterus, evict
That motherfucker.
This is private property.
There's no squatter's rights.
Pay rent or quit.
That's a good point, doug.
Drugs should be your own
Prerogative, whatever it is,
Huffing a gassy rag, that's
What you wanna do, except for
Heroin 'cause that's what killed
Hedberg.
That's what we really need the
Federal government to come in
And stop this, and I can't
Understand why I'm so fucking
Thirsty all the time.
I'm--you're so right.
You're so right.
I just don't listen.
I just don't listen."
(audience cheers and applauds)
So I just don't give a shit
Anymore.
That's what I do for a living.
I try to write more fist-fuck
Jokes and enjoy myself more.
It doesn't matter.
We ain't winning shit.
I got on--I get to a point
Where, like, my act was making
My entire life miserable where
It's just--and it's still not
Good, but it's--I just hate
Everything and fuck it, it's so
Dumb.
Doesn't anyone see how dumb this
Is?
Like some people go, "isn't
The world a crazy place?"
And they're fine with that.
And I'm like, "this is fucked
Up.
This is really fucked up.
We're like dark ages people, and
I'm not even smart.
And that's the most terrifying
Part when you realize I'm not
Even a bright person, but I'm
Still probably in the top 3%
Of the smartest people on this
Planet, and I'm pretty
Fucking dumb.
And you go, "how alone are we?"
And then you go, "I don't give
A shit."
At one point, you go, "44."
I'm way closer to dead than I
Am life of the party, and I
Don't have children, so why am I
Getting so enraged about all
This nonsense?
I don't care.
I don't care getting all upset
About the fucking planet.
I'm gone pretty soon.
I left no litter behind.
That's your problem.
I'm treating this planet like
The fucking rental car that it
Is, and I'm turning it in
Trashed with a bumper hanging
Off, fuck your insurance, fuck
The environment, I didn't ask to
Be here.
(audience cheers and applauds)
Someone created me.
Yes, I know that's a selfish
Thing.
It's a selfish thing.
But you know what?
I've cared about other stuff,
And, yeah, me not caring about
Stuff, well, affect it as much
As me caring about stuff, which
Is none.
I just wanna close strong.
I wanna--I wanna have a great
Closer.
As a comic, I want to have a
Great closing bit.
I want to have a great closing
Bit for my career.
Once I find that bit, I can stop
Yelling about stuff and slink
Off.
I don't care if I have to
Fucking whatever for a living.
we love you anyway.
who do we got to kill?
who do you have to kill?
No.
The closer, the closing bit--
Last year at sea world, a killer
Whale leapt out of the tank
And grabbed its trainer by the
Head and pulled her underwater,
And ate her at the end of a live
Performance.
I don't know that it was the
Scheduled end of the show,
But on that night they decided
To close on it.
It leapt up, grabbed her
Ponytail, pulled her underwater,
And chewed on her for quite some
Time.
'cause it's a fucking killer
Whale.
You can't give it the hook like
It's vaudeville, like,
na na na na-na wa
No.
They had to let it go.
And I read that story with such
Palpable envy 'cause that's
Everything I want to bring to
Stage.
That story--like, if I could
Find some parallel closing bit,
I would never do comedy again
'cause that's everything I wanna
Present to an audience is it's
Inherently hilarious, but it's
Got a sense of horror, and it's
Just a horrifying--but it -
There's an unmistakable message
And justice within because
First of all, you're not a
Killer whale trainer.
You didn't call yourself and
Dress up in the spandex like a
Killer whale.
You're not a killer whale
Trainer because from my limited
Knowledge of marine biology,
Killer whales come out
Previously trained.
They're already perfect killer
Whales unless you're trying to
Train them to do backflips for
Fucking sardines and to dance on
Their tails which they don't do
Naturally.
You're training them to be
Fucking circus monkeys and--by
Withholding a food source.
You're not a trainer.
You're a fuck-with-er.
You fuck with killer whales.
That's what you do.
You take away their food until
They do unnatural acts and then
You call yourself a--
You can say, "oh, no, she did a
Lot of hard work, and the
Research they did because of the
Sea world.
She could follow their mating
Habits and help them proliferate
In the wild when they're a
Dwindling species," and you go,
"yeah, you could do that
Regardless without making them
Dance on their tails 'cause
They're starving for a fucking
Fish.
You could've done it without
Fucking with them.
So don't tell me they did a lot
Of good work 'cause you could
Have done that without the--fuck
With them.
That's like if I went to somalia
Right now, worst drought in 60
Years, I picked up a dozen kids
That were starving to death and
Brought them over here to help
Them.
But first, I paraded them out on
Stage for a matinee show and
Drug a wiener on a string till
They jumped through a series of
Burning hoops, and then at the
End I made them present and
Stand and jump on their tippy
Toes to get the hotdog, and
They go-- ta-da
You wouldn't call me a trainer.
You'd call me an asshole, and
You would clap and applaud
Wildly when they turned on me
And ate my head in front of the
Fucking sold-out show.
(audience cheers and applauds)
And that's everything I'm
Jealous of.
When I find that in the closing
Bit 'cause that's a serious
Closer.
That's a closer because anyone
Who was at that live performance
Will never be able to enjoy live
Entertainment again.
Nothing will ever top what they
Saw, and no one can ever top
Their story.
I was at monterey when fucking
Hendrix lit his guitar on fire,
And he was on acid, and I was on
Acid, and everyone was on acid,
And ahh!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I was at--
(chuckles)
I was at sea world.
I was at sea world last February
Where I watched a killer whale
Chew on its trainer's head in
Front of a glass, in front of
Screaming children with their
Parents trying to cover their
Eyes, recoiling in horror,
Heading for the exits, but still
Having to stop and watch for
Over 35 minutes.
So yeah, no, I don't wanna go
See your friend danny play
Flamenco guitar at the vip
Lounge.
I gotta go.
I'll be--I'll be back.
(audience cheers and applauds)
I shall return.
Thanks, have a good night.
What, the bottle?
Yeah, no, I'll do that.
I'm gonna drink--the lady
Bought me the beer, and then the
Other lady said, "I'm gonna
Drink it.
I'm gonna drink some and then
I'll get a bottle, how's
That?
(in high-pitched voice)
Don't wait to get drinks.
She'll just get chattier if I
Don't...Here, have this drink.
(laughter)
It's easier than fucking you.
I'm just saying.
I ought to be offended by
That.
you should be offended by
That?
yes.
no, I said you weren't easy
To fuck, which you should be
Offended by 'cause fucking
Should be something that comes
Easy.
Fucking is not something you
Should build your life around.
Easier than giving you the
Disease by fucking you--
what makes you think--
my girlfriend is retarded,
But she could explain this joke
To you.