1
Doug Stanhope. "Deadbeat hero", 2004.
Liberty
1a.The condition of being free from restriction or control
b.The right and power to act, believe,
or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing
The condition of being physically and legally
free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor.
Thanks.
Do you work hard all week?
Don't do that.
Don't drink on weekends, you don't.
People come up Friday, Saturday... Don't drink.
If you gotta feel like shit tomorrow,
drink Sunday trough Thursday.
If you gonna you'll feel like shit,
do it on the company done.
What do you gonna on Monday morning,
when you need to be wide awake and alert for?
"Well, I deliver Pepsi products".
Well do it with a hangover.
Fuck them, drink on the job.
Fucking waste your nice weekend?
You'd be doing some good for youself.
I'm only drinking tonight just to keep up
my Cal Ripken like perfect attendance straight. [??]
It's just token, you know?
Whatever, don't do shit you hate, people.
Work jobs they hate.
There's another way.
Whatever it is you do...
Fuckin' quit.
Go on Monday and steal a bunch of shit, and quit.
If you don't absolutely love it,
if you wouldn't do it for free...
And steal big shit too.
Don't grab some stationary and paperclips,
just to make a statement.
Grab some big cash registers
and computer monitors, and get out fuck out.
People talk to you, they try to convince you
that they like what they do,
just cause it sucks less than what
they've used to do that sucked along.
They'll try to convince like it's gonna
make them really enjoy it.
"I love my job". They regurgitate you that
guidance counsellor taught them in high school
that guided them into the shitty job they begin with.
And they regurgitate it all that red[??].
They say "I like my job at Banana Republic."
"Because I get to work with people..."
Work with people?
You stack pants, for fuck's sake!
People you meet say "I'm just looking"
and they try to get away from you.
Work with people...
Go to whore or something.
I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis.
Which is nothing out of the ordinary.
People will leave this.
I go on stage it's like I'm leading you into battle:
You not all are gonna be here at the end.
Just try not to take it too seriously.
Eventually I'm gonna hate the subject
and you're gonna be queer about.
Don't. Just wait for the next joke.
Go take a piss, whatever you have to do.
Don't get all upset.
I am probably wrong about half the shit I say.
You could find me to be an hypocrite about...
I will call you stupid for not knowing
shit that I just found out yesterday.
"You fucking people don't pick-up? You don't read
conspiracytheory.com, you fucking losers?
I read that yesterday, I'm smart."
I had two women walk out of the show in Minneapolis.
And again, it wasn't because...
It wasn't something I said.
Some people just show up places to complain.
That's their form of entertainment.
Is complaining.
They just can't wait to bitch.
And these women walked out and they caused a rock[??]
with the manager in the lobby because I'm drunk.
That's their reason. They're just:
"He's just drunk up there! We didn't pay to see this!"
"Look at him, he's obviously drunk.
He's just drunk, he's that."
I'm not driving a bus motherfucker, what do you care?
I'm a comic.
I'm saying stuff, words are coming out of my mouth.
It's not like I'm curled up, fiddled[??],
I shit my pants, I...
It's not like I'm a spectacle.
I'm a comic.
What do you give a fuck?
It's like the steroids in baseball.
What do you give a shit?
You just pay to watch balls fly
over your head, like a retard.
You care what makes it go out.
It's like going to a titty bar and
complaining cause your lap dancer is a communist.
So what?
The tits are out.
What did you pay to see?
What is your problem?
Who are you people?
Alcohol doesn't get credit where credit is do.
And it's not the best drug.
It's not even in the top five.
But it's the easyest one to get.
And we are a fat lazy country of convenients.
And alcohol is a very convenient drug.
If this was an ecstasy bar
I would come in and order a large...
I'd be drinking an Evian right now, right?
But it ain't that easy to get.
And at the same time, if drinking require that
I had to sit in a fucking Dennis park in 2.00
in the middle of the night,
waiting for my friend Alan to answer his voicemail,
and finally show up just to drop off a six-pack...
I'll never drink again!
A lazy fuck, that's what I am.
But has got benefits that doesn't get the credit.
You can you find every statistic and number
and pie chart, for where alcohol has ruined the party.
But the benefits...
For a while airline flight attendants were trying
a lobby to get alcohol taking off from airplanes.
Cause they say, "91% of all cases of all
air rage incidents are alcohol related."
Okay. Fine.
How much air rage is averted because of alcohol?
How many times was someone just about to choke out
that sky cunt that should have been replaced
by a Coke machine years ago?
That are worse now. Since of 9/11 they are
full of that hero syndrome in their head.
They think that they'e the last line to defense
to the cockpit. A waste of space and polyester.
Maybe someone gets on the plane, and
it's just being fingerfucked way too many times
trying to get from point A to point B,
and waiting in lines, and screened, and searches
it's everything but looking in your ass, that's the
only difference beetween that and a prison search...
And he goes through that,
he gets through the front gate and they go:
"We accidentally oversold this flight"
"We are looking for volunteers who will sit another night
in Memphis, cause we goofed and oversold the flight."
If I had a used car,
and I sold it to three different people,
and I took cash, they all show
in the same day to pick it up...
"I'm looking for two volunteers who'll wait till I...
I accidentaly oversold this piece of shit Dodge Omni, I'm..."
You fuckin' kick me in the balls,
I would be doing jail time for fraud.
Maybe someone goes through all that.
And he's about to tear up the learings[??] to the pigs that
tells him to sit up straight there and take-off,
cause he's had enough, but no.
He has a few some Vodka Collins first and
chills out just enough to let her live one more day.
How many times has alcohol been the hero?
How many highway fatalities have been
caused because of the .08DY law?
Well, everyone is so paranoid now.
That one fucking dick neck like you
has two light beers at a happy hour...
But you're so paranoid cause of the DY law...
You're driving home, you're not even looking at the road.
You just staring in the rearview mirror, looking for cops.
You don't even notice you hit
a kid on a bike in a crosswalk.
You can't find the numbers on shit like that, right?
I think a drug dealer sells me drugs and I go hay wire
and fucks up, now they blame the drug dealer.
I think you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk,
looking for cops, you should blame the cops.
It's only two types of people who are against drugs.
There's people who've never done drugs.
And people who really sucked at doing drugs.
And everyone else has to suffer.
That's why the whole medicinal marijuana thing.
I mean had done some benefits for them but...
First of all, I'm not a pot smoker.
I've tried it, gave a plenty of opportunities.
It didn't work for me.
If it'll works for you, have had it.
But just to argument where,
it's a pro-drug argument...
But the fact that they have to say:
"This is just about medicine."
No, if couldn't have a pro-drug argument,
start the argument where it starts:
"It's my fucking business. Fuck off."
I mean, you don't put that on the sign,
you gotta use tactic stuff that I don't have.
That's why I'm not in charge of any of those things.
But they have to do it.
The reason it boils down to old fuck's vote.
And that's the problem with this country:
old fucks vote and we don't.
We have shit to do.
Old fucks have nothing to do but judge you and vote.
They don't have to work at UPS on Super Tuesday.
They have nothing to do,
hang around the polls, judge you, and vote.
They're bitter: "Why's he smiling? There's must
be something wrong with him, vote NO.
Whatever is he's doing. He's smiling."
We don't vote. We got shit to do.
Right?
And that's why they have to put the argument
in the old people context.
Don't worry, old people are gonna...
Baby boomers are gonna start to die in droves.
And it's a good thing. I know a lot of them are parents,
but sorry, you gotta go. Sorry, goodbye.
Yeah. Your day's over and there's
new shit that you won't accept.
Because you... People do that...
Old people, they look back at the old days,
and it was good because they were young.
But they act like that was the Day.
No it was cause youth is good.
That's gone. You're fucked.
It's not the Day,
and then they reject anything that's new.
It's like we do with fucking hip-hop
if you're in your thirty.
"Fuck that, that ain't music.
We had music, back when 38 Special was around".
Fucking kill ourselvelves for the hypocrisy, right?
But that's why they use
the medicinal marijuana argument.
Cause that... If you put in a medical context then all
old people are all sympathy and heart straight, you know.
"Oh, we don't want to get high.
This is really just about Jimmy with glaucoma."
"Bring out milky-eye Jim, he gets the old people."
And all people see the milky-eyes and they go:
"My friend Fred from Normandy had milky-eyes
the last time I saw him and..."
...Vote YES!". Right?
It's a bullshit argument, but you waste too much time.
Start the argument where it starts.
"I have the right to do
whatever the hell I want to my own body."
"And if it kills me slowly, happy for me.
Fuck you, clack-clack, stop me."
Start the argument. Cause you're wasting my time.
You're gonna spend 25 years, so milky-eye Jim can get
government substed eyes, a bong head of some dirt weed...
I want to buy mushrooms at Wallmart tomorrow.
Let's fucking just fight this one out.
All illegal narcotics - Are medicinal.
Boredom - Is a disease worse than cancer.
Drugs cure it.
With a little unknown[??]
bad side effects if used as directed.
Life's temporary, for a reason.
It gets boring after a while. It does.
It's like a good sitcom. Lasts so many seasons,
and then you got nothing else to do, no more ideas,
so they head a fucking alien or an adopted kid, and it's
off the air, and you go: "Thank God it's over."
Cause life gets boring the shit.
I'm 37 and I'm already bored.
I've had a weird life.
I've done some crazy shit but
I did it too quick and I get no more ideas.
My imagination can't keep up with...
I'm fucking bored out of my tit.
Invent new drugs.
That's what you should be doing.
Don't fight the old ones.
Fight to get new weirder ones or
something weirder establishments to do all men in.
And more holes. That's what you ladies need. More holes.
That would help up. That would pork me up.
A new and an exciting hole.
Now all right there wing, they're all against the cloning,
cause they're afraid of the mutations.
"Well, science is an advance.
All the mutations we could have..."
Maybe the mutations is where we find the answer?
Maybe I accidentally spit out a littel girl
baby that's has got 44/90 holes all over her body.
These big, flappy, ugly, holes.
And you go "Ah, now a long-term
commitment is a viable option."
Where's the dowry?
I want that one for neverlasting.
"Why do you always try to fuck me
in the shoulder hole? Why do you do that?"
"Cause you won't let me fuck your shoulder hole!"
"Why can't you just make love to my chest cavity,
like when we first met?"
"You were all sweet all the time."
"Well, just let me put the head in it".
"It's worse, stop it! I think you're gay."
Mutations are exciting.
There's not nearly enough with them.
They try to fix them...
Did you see that two-headed baby they killed last month,
while they tried to cut it apart?
This is hilarious, you know what I'm talking about?
There was two-headed, this...
There've been four in the last year, all in Central America.
I don't know what they put in the water,
but I am going down there cause...
But there were like four in a year,
and they tried to separate them all, I think one survived.
One out of four they're good for,
which still keeps in the majors but...
But the other ones I understood why they cutted aprt,
cause the other ones with the regular side-by side
siamese twins. We've all seen that.
So yeah, sure. Lop one of them up.
It's detached disturb. Sure, cut them apart.
It's a heck oddity.
It's like having a bearded lady baby.
Ok, we've seen it. Shave it, go ahead.
But this one was... This one was special...
Anyone know what the fuck I'm talking about?
There had a second head growning up
at the top of the bottom head.
Like a totem pole.
A townhouse-head baby.
A condom.
And that's unprecedented.
Keep that one around, douchebag.
Do not try to scissor that one apart,
I want to see that one grow.
I'll get the Guinness Book World Records again
to see this one as a full grown little lady.
Come on!
They had to cut it off.
And this is why I understood cause...
They had to try to take to top...
Well, I mean, obviously.
You can't cut the bottom on half
and move the top one down...
But they said that they had to move...
They took off the top head
because it was a head on underdeveloped brain.
Had little formed eyes, lips, but had underdeveloped brain.
You can't do that to the low baby without its consent, right?
I mean I have friends who work with
developed mentally disabled people.
On their own free will. And it's some really ambitious thing.
You gotta have a lot of heart to do that.
But you can't just stick a kid with a retard
there close to you all life,
just trying to go trough your days...
Just trying to read your Nancy Drew misteries
and it's up there going "[moaning]".
"Mum, I'm trying to read! Throwing[??] Cheerios on me, mum!"
"Stop it!"
You can't do that.
But I'm telling you...
This club has some of the hottest waitresses
you'll see in any club around here.
And just let me tell you this...
Let me tell you this. If I was upstairs in the bar and all of
these waitress were sitting along the bar, bold ass naked...
And a full grown two-headed girl baby
walked into the bar for a cocktail,
I would turn away from the naked girls
and go straight to her like a bug light.
Because that would be interesting.
Fuck you. Yes, I'm sick fuck you wouldn't fuck.
If a two-headed girl baby came into the bar,
and you're all alone sitting out there,
couldn't tell me you wouldn't at least
get a [??] in the toilet, [??]
Just to tell your friends you've
finally had that menage trois.
They were twins, that's all I'm saying. They were twins.
Fucking sisters.
Not the retarded one, I'd mouthfucked the low-headed baby.
You guys...
And you'd have to do in that 69 position, with you on top.
So there were your balls in mo[??]
of the mouth of the rubber-head.
Cause you can't come when... [moaning]
You're trying to concentrate... [moaning]
"I want to swing, sad man!" Right?
So you'd have to have the balls laying over.
Least you jizzed in that.
And you certaninly couldn't get it
in the orthodox kneeling position, cause
then rubber-head looked it up at your wall and...
"Guh! Hello!"
"Do you like my sister?"
No.
Of course I like your sister, look down!
That's what I need.
I need a 44 holes two-headed baby girl.
That's the only way I can come.
Do you know what's tempting me a lot lately?
The transvestites.
That's right!
Fuck you. Judge not lest you be judged, my friend.
They're good now. Transvestites.
They build them from scratch now.
It's not like 25 years ago,
transvestites as some old dude
in a wig on a "Dunkin Donuts" commercial.
"Time to make the donuts!"
They're good!
You don't even have to pretend you got tricked anymore.
They got everything.
There got the breast implants, and they got the ass implants,
they got cheek implants, they got hair extensions,
they got all the electrolysis,
and collagen lips, and going up...
How much surgery do they need
before I'm not gay for doing it?
There's gonna be some line in the sand, that you draw.
I'm staring right at that here: topless in a G string,
and I'm going, "I know that you have a penis"
Even if she had a vagina, I'd still probably
tried to plun her in the ass anyway.
So what's the difference? What's the difference?
What do I lose?
I don't need any new friends, or respect from you.
That's why I... Hang on.
That's why I eat breakfast in a place in L.A.
It's called "Yukon Mining Company". It's a shit restaurant,
but it's got a smoking patio, it's outdoor
so I can actually smoke and eat
my breakfast at the same time.
Oh, what a free country we live in.
Hey, man! How's it going? I forget your name.
How you doing? Good to see you.
Anyway. Some guy I know. I can't remember.
So I eat breakfast there and...
Because...
Santa Monica boulevard -
That's where all the transvestites hang out in L.A..
You've seen transvestites, see plenty of...
I'm sure you drive passed to gay bar on
Saturday night and you see them all lined up,
dressed up like Judy Tenuta
or Diana Ross or something...
But you see the night time dolled up transvestites.
Ready to lip-synk Billy Ocean song
or some whatever they do or...
You don't see the breakfast transvestites.
A breakfast transvestite,
that's the one that will queer you away
from the night time transvenstite.
Cause when you see them shuffling in there,
8.30 in the morning,
and they don't have a wig on anymore,
the makeup is all smudgeded,
5.00 shadows [??] through...
They still got really nice tits.
But the dick is flopping around
in sweat pants with no underwear,
and you go "Man, thank God I didn't
have that last shot of Jgermaister."
"This could had been an awkward goodbye."
Did you see the Mississipi dildo bust yesterday?
Again, as one person... Was out CNN.
Three states of...
It's a part of the whole FCC indecency
crack down they're having.
And now three states are enforcing "antidildo laws",
I do not know what they call them.
But "antidildo"... pretty much guess the point.
It was on CNN. Footage of big, fat, pig cop
walking out with fucking garbage
bags and dildos. Smiling, cause
he has finally put his foot down.
And then head pig dildo is talking about how
"It's to protect the physical and mental safety of our citizens".
Yes, the physical...
"What if one of these double dongs had got
into the hand of a child, what happens then?"
"You don't want to see the child that
has tried use this implement of Satan into it."
"This could put your anus inside out like a elephant's trunk."
Do you want to see our children walking down the street,
holding their lunchboxes in one hand, and
the trunkhated rectum in the other, like a bleeding sea snake?"
Fucking sad.
I'm not picking out cops.
For the most part cops are just doing their job.
I had to do a benefit show,
and I make jokes about cops cause
they're an easy target for a joke.
But I had to do a benefit show
for families of fallen police officers.
I mean, it's something that makes you think.
Cause you do fuck with them but
it makes you realize they do risk their lives
every day against shit on all around.
If you're a cop, and you sitting in here,
I'll buy you next drink, seriously.
Are you a cop?
You're in training?
This is sweet.
Cause I'm lying.
No, I'm making all this sit up.
This is a sting operation.
Here's your training right here.
You know how the cops do you when you got
a warn if forgot to pay a traffic ticket?
So they send you a thing
"Hey you, want a free TV?"
And you go "OO-OO, I'm a winner", and you run down there
with a thumb in your ass, "Hey, I'm a winner!"
And then they arrest you and make funny on the news?
This is a reverse thing.
I just wanted to see where you egomaniacs are sitting.
In case I wanna score drugs after the show, I know whom to avoid.
"I did a benefit for fallen police officers".
Yes, it was called the "Pigs in blankets" foundation.
I masturbated through the all event
with a pinwheel hat on right in front raw.
They don't risk their lives for you.
He's gonna risk his life, but he's...
Since when did risking your life become
something that people see as out the ordinary?
People risk their lives all the time,
every day, and they do it for fun.
They drink and drive, and they bungee-jump,
and they do crazy shit all the time.
It's not because you
fuck the last call whores without a condom, "OO-OO!!"
That ain't risking their life for the whore.
Right?
They don't risk their lives for you.
They risk their lives for the low-level
of celebrity involved in being a cop.
You risk it's all about the ego.
People wrestle alligators too, but never once
there's someone dying out without an audience.
All right? You see what I'm saying?
If I were a cop, I would be a angry
motherfucker right now, and I'll tell you why.
Because the "hero pussy" that motivated you into the force...
After 9/11 there was such an amazing glut of "hero pussy".
Cops couldn't walk out of their house.
You didn't have to be anywhere near New York city.
Cops all across. Their girls just see the uniform,
and they would stop, drop, and suck his dick.
"He's the hero! Get it girl! Hero! Get that hero dick!"
You couldn't walk out of your house without "hero pussy"
being vaulted at you out of a catapult.
Like rotten[??] octopus,
slapping in the face "Hero pussy!"
You'd have to carry a tennis racket.
Have you gone to tennis racket training yet?
You carry a tennis racket
to swat "hero pussy" to the ground,
so you can get to your call in time.
And that placated you for a while,
all the cops were happy for a while.
But then...
...the war started.
And the "hero pussy" market all shifted to the military.
"All the military guys are getting the hero pussy!"
And the cops... There still cops today, you can spot them in bars.
They'll carry pictures of the Twin Towers
around with them, trying to remind the dumb chicks.
"Remember me?"
"I'm on homeland defense yet."
"Yes, this could happen right here in Renton
if I wasn't very vigilant, hello?"
"Will you at least touch it?"
"Will your skunky friend watch me jerk? Something?"
"Who is your friend in the camouflage?"
"Fuck this, I'm joining the fire department."
"This is bullshit!"
The troups...
You got to support the troups, right?
Wrong again.
You keep trying but...
I'm not saying "Don't support the troups", I'm saying
I support people on a individual basis.
I gotta meet the troup first.
If I meet the troup, he's a cool troup,
we drink, and he does turn into a dildo...
"Yeah, support him."
I'll support him no matter what he does.
I'll write his specific name on the Yellow Ribbon.
So they know he's just PFC James Campbell
or whatever his fucking name is.
And then he can do whatever he wants.
He could awol, or drop bombs on his own guys
and Canadians or whatever.
I'll go "Hey, he's having a bad day,
I know that guy, I drunk with him, he's cool."
But some troups are dickheads.
Some troups are... You know them...
Some are fucking assholes.
I was down in Clint, Texas, by Fort Hood.
There was a troup down there in a bar.
And he wanted to hammer my head flat.
Cause I accidentally dumped over his piss warm draft beer.
And he was fucking... You know how they get
the fucking four arms, swinging forward...
A fucking monkey redneck.
Fucking "Oh, you wanna kick my ass?!"
I didn't support that troup there in the war, I did not.
That troup was a shithead, and I hoped he died first.
That's the only reason I watched that boring...
Yes, I wanted to see his little peanut head explode on CNN,
on a choppy sad like fee, cause he's a fucking asshole.
He's not fighting for your freedom. He's fighting
cause he's a psychopath who wants to kill somebody.
He found a good outlet, and that's good. Right?
That's why I'm pro-war.
As long as it's voluntary. This war was voluntary.
I mean, it is no draft.
They weren't yanking kids out of their
inner city and making them go fight a war.
Everyone who joined the military, joined the military
cause they kinda want to go kill other people. Right?
And that's good. That's your instinct.
Your instinct is your true God, follow it.
If you just want to fucking kill someone,
there's a place for it.
Go to the military.
As long as people who kinda want to go kill other people
are going to kill other people who kinda wanna go to kill
other people, you're killing all the right people,
and opening up all the best parking spaces.
Cause people who want to kill other people are the last people
I wanna party with, cause I get mouthy when I drink.
So go and have a big killing free frag. Make up wars.
Fight over Antarctica, call it "Manifest Destiny."
Do twelve men teams from different countries
on paintball fields with real weapons.
And put it on pay-per-view.
Let it generate his own revenue so
it's not sucking our fucking supplies dry.
Military should be voluntary...
You should be able to quit anytime you want.
That way they'd really have to sell you on the war.
They can't just like suck you in some bullshit
18 years old, when you don't know what you do.
That's what people say,
"That's not true. They don't want to kill people.
Some people just join the military
cause they need college money."
Then they're idiots, and college wasn't gonna help.
Right?
There's plenty of other ways to get college money.
Suck a dick.
Rob a guy.
Steal a car.
Steal a pallet of that shit of the forklift you run at UPS,
and sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp.
Swing around the brass pole a few times, Jessica Lynch.
You'll have plenty of college money
and never leave West Virginia.
Keep the war going.
Don't have a war against terrorism.
Jealous? Terrorism is a brilliant form of warfare, sorry.
It's being used inappropriately now.
The terrorists we have now, they just are bad at.
They're using it in an inappropriate and ineffective fashion.
But terrorism is a form of warfare.
How do you have rules for war? What's that all about?
"Oh, that's..."
"Saddam Hussein, he was ready to use chemical weapons,
that's against the rules."
Fuck you! Ther's a war faggot, fight it or get out.
No rules.
What the "Geneva convention" is?
What's that sick shit?
We got rules for... "We're gonna kill each other
by the hundreds or thousands. Not us of course,
"poor people's kid. But if we're gonna do it,
"let's jump down some rules.
"Can they hit him in the face with a garden rake?
Gentlemen what you think? Yes? Ok, all right. Everyone in?
Yes. Hit him in the face with a garden rake is ok."
"What about mace? No, that's chemical.
That's fighting like a fairy. No mace.
That's what girls use, that's fighting like a girlie."
It's a war!
You attack me, I'm a weaker country,
I will use any weapon I have, I will...
Chemical weapon, nuclear weapon,
girlie eye gouge,
sucker nut punch,
dog shit in a rist rocket.
Whatever is gonna keep you away from me.
Yes, it's a war!
Fight it or quit crying, faggot.
If you're in here and you're gay and
you're offended that I'm using the word "faggot",
I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.
Cause "fag" it's way too good of a word.
I just, it's so "Faggot!"
It's not even a gay theme.
I'll suck your dick. I'll turn queer
to keep the word, I don't care.
My self respect was shot years ago.
I stopped coming to the...
It's like a "cunt". "Cunt" is a great word.
But it's more empressive if you use it on a guy.
"You're a fucking cunt! That's all you are."
See how? It's more powerful, cause it's confusing.
It's like calling a redneck a nigger.
They don't know how to react.
Terrorism can work.
I'm trying to talk my mother
in being a suicide bomber right now.
Seriously.
Cause she fits the profile.
She's terminally ill.
Basically it hasn't been dying notes[??] but...
She's been chain smoking
"Kool Mild 100's" for 48 years.
She couldn't walk up onto the stage without
coffing out chunks of green shit all over your nachos.
Like some respiratory Gallagher event. [comedian]
She's miserable.
She really is a miserable, angry person.
I moved her up to Florida six years ago.
I moved her and her seven cats.
Got them a one-bedroom apartment in Hollywood.
And all she's done in the last six years is
sit in that apartment and farm cats, and chain smoke and bitch.
It's down of three cats now,
with one kind of teetering on the fences.
Cause they just sit there in her
apartment and second hand smoke they...
She won't even let them outside and have a decent chance
of chucking themselves under a bus tire and fucking end it all.
"No, it's too dangerous on the street, keep the cats in."
So they breathe the second hand smoke, and then
it turns in the third hand smoke, forth hand smoke...
And cats, they're like furry air filters. That's all they are.
And they're not even furry, cause they're all
greasy with nicotine like old curtains
And they die right in front of her,
and she doesn't even notice for days.
Cause she is watching "Crossing over" with John Edward,
trying to figure out where she'll be in a month.
Drinking dollar-store Robitussin trying to cure her throat cancer.
It's not gonna work ma, come on.
And she's just a hateful, angry...
She hates everything. She hates the traffic, she hates neighbours,
and "This goddamn!". She hates you, she hates... Just hates.
She's like me without jokes.
Hateful.
But she loves me.
And she'd do anything for me.
And she's suicidal.
I mean, in a logical sense.
It's not a desperate "I can't go on another day."
She's suicidal in the way she knows that day's coming
when the lung tumors get bigger then a breast implant
she's gonna cash out. She's not a woman who wants to die
with a lot of tubes going in and out of her, milking off the state.
She gonna cash all. But instead of giving her
the big bottle of Xanax and a quart of vodka,
like my brother and I have planned for for the last few yeas...
Why not instead...
Seriously! Rig her up with some heavy explosives
and evertake out some shit we all hate on her way out.
Nothing with the political agenda like the terrorist of today
"This'll solve Middle East peace - Kaboom!". No.
No! Just take out some shit that we all hate.
Some personal peppy that's an irritate...
How to take out a DY road block.
Or Ashton Kutcher.
Or somethings that irritate everybody.
Someone noone will complain about.
Did you ever eat a "Subway" breakfast sandwich?
It's a damn good sandwich, is it?
Cause it comes on the same bun, it's the regular
delly style bun that all the other sanwiches.
Every fast-food place has to put their
breakfast sandwiches on something crazy.
"It's a [??] pancake", "It's a flicky croissant", or "Wacky biscuit".
But the "Subway" you can put it on a regular bun
and it comes you can put vegetables on it,
so it gives you the illusion that is good for you.
And I love the placebo effect, I'm a sucker for it.
But you can't get it after 11. [burp]
And I can sleep till 1 or 9 at nigh,
depending on what narcotics
still float around in my system.
But I still try to get the breakfast sandwich.
And I go "Hey come on, give me a egg and cheese".
And the kid'll say "I'm sorry sir.
It's after 11, we put all that stuff away."
You didn't put it away:
It's in a second green cabinet, it's right there.
This place is as big as a photo-mat,
there is no "away" in the building.
You don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up
at 11.02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
You're just programmed to do this.
So I don't want give him shit...
I mean, he's got enough shit in his life...
He's gonna wear a paper hat,
and "I'm a sandwich artist" polo shirt,
and frat guys freaking shit all day long:
"Faggot, I said no tomatoes! Dude, put tomatoes on!"
So I don't wanna pile onto his misery, but come on!
Think, just think this one through.
The entire breakfast menu on "Subway"
consists of nothing but the egg.
It's all the same sandwiches they serve
all day long, plus an egg.
You don't have to fire up the griddle for the flapjacks...
It is not a process like other restaurants who really do have
to stop at 11 cause they have a real fucking menu. But you don't...
You're just stealing their rule for no reason.
It doesn't make sense and
I don't want to be indict you but...
It's not even a real fucking egg, man!
This is a pre-packaged egg-like petty product,
that sits in a stack of eight petties
in the second green cabinet...
It's right next to the bacon that you serve all day.
If I order a BLT rigt now I'll see that "away" eggs
sitting right next to it. "I see the eggs another way!"
And I don't get you shit up, I'm gonna
give you one more opportunity. Think this true
and please just give me an "egg and cheese".
And the kid's gonna say "I'm sorry sir."
And I'm gonna say "No. This time I'm sorry!"
"Mother!"
And mother...
Mother will come trudging in,
in her Ratty Tatty clothe bathrobe.
With C4 explosives strapped hand to toe.
Kool Mild 100's in one hand, dead cat in the other
like Gale Sayers or a Heisman trophy.
Plunger, and she's gonna say:
"Goodbye!" [Kaboom!]
And now terrorism has worked positive.
For all of us.
Some big cheese up in the "Subway" tar is
gonna read that story and he's gonna go:
"Why didn't he just give him a fucking egg?
It's in the second green cabinet..."
"[??] go by franchise rules?"
And I wouldn't take innocent lives. What I'd do...
Mother wants to go, that's her choice.
And I wouldn't kill the "Subway" kid,
cause I'd get demolitions experts
to rig mother to implode.
Like a skyscraper.
So she just go: [implosion]
And the "Subway" kid'd just go: [O.o]
But it would stay with him,
cause he'd think next time. Right?
It's such an amazing lack of logic that's
prevailing in our society and everyone just takes it.
We just take it.
"Well, it's just the way it is.
It's tradition, that's our policy."
Fuck that! If it's stupid change it.
"That's the law!"
If it's a dumb law don't have it. Right?
I'm trying to work on our system just to simplify so...
I think we can...
I'm working on a system where
we can eliminate currency world wide.
Where we don't even have to use currency,
so I don't have to figure out math and incomes and that...
Just replace currency with a system of blowjobs and cheesburgers,
cause that's really all they need in the end of the day.
"Nice car, I suck your dick for it."
"I just got my dick sucked, you got anything to eat?"
"All right, here's a cheesburger."
There's kimps[??] in the system that I haven't worked on.
Hindus, for instance. That's a problem with the cheeseburgers,
and I gotta work it all out but...
When I do, everything's[??] gonna change.
All the other issues I'm pretty tied on.
Emigration.
There's too many people in this fucking country.
But I think if you're gonna focus on keeping people out,
you gotta focus on the people who don't contribute to society.
That's an old brainer but...
And there's a specific group of
over four million people that come into this country
every year and don't contribute a fucking thing.
And everyone knows who I'm talking about. But noone wants to
say it cause it's politically incorrect, but fuck that.
You know who I'm talking about...
Officer Bob?
You know who I'm talking about?
Who am I talking...?
Babies! That's who I'm talking about.
Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country,
they don't speak the language, they don't want to work.
They just take, and they take...
And they cause a roc[??], and they waste
all of our natural resources.
I say put the border patrol agent
at the foot of your uterus.
Anything comes out without a visa
you kick it back in the hole.
"What's your name? You're not on the list.
Get back behind the velvet rope."
"The club is overfull. We'll call you when we need you."
Sick of other people.
"Oh Doug, don't you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD?
"Yes, cause you won't stop having them, so I'm gonna keep saying it.
Almost every problem in the world boils down
that there're too many fucking people.
And I'm not just talking out of my...
I had my vasectomy, I have no children.
Anyone else had a vasectomy?
Who did? Did you?
Get him a drink. That's a true American hero right there.
Don't name the fucking memorial highway after him.
After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space...
There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks.
He's the guy who didn't have someone parking there. Every time
you're fucking stuck in traffic, yes you think about the...
Brainers. "Hey, no traffic at all the day...". Thank you.
How long before you blew it on after you had it?
Do you remember?
Two weeks?
I waited 8 days.
Cause they tell you "Wait 72 hours".
I developed what they call granuloma.
If don't know how they do a vasectomy...
What they do is they go in and they make
a small incision on each side of your scrot sack,
and then they go in with a tweezer thing,
and they remove your courage, and your confidence,
and your social skills, and your sense of humor,
and your need for any personal hygiene...
And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing.
So I had that done out of respect for the world.
And then I get granuloma that is when
you continue to leak semen in you bag sack,
and then your bag sack start swelling of
bigger an bigger every day, did you get that?
No? I have pictures of it on my website
cause people thought I was exaggerating.
It was like...
I called it the "indian[??] bag".
It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs.
Was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka.
And they're telling me "Wait 72 hours". And I go
"What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?" Six days??
I waited 8 days and...
And I didn't even wanted jerk off then,
but you go 8 days witout...
I've never gone 8 days in my natural
low blowing life without emptying it all...
But weird shit happens in your head
after that about the time.
I'm getting deviant thought watching
TV commercials that don't even have people in them.
I had to do something.
I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers
squinting like a little girl in a horror movie.
"I don't wanna see what's coming out of there...
Blood, or stitches, or chili..."
I didn't think I needed a vasectomy.
I was like some convenient frame of my mind.
Cause I've dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life
and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies...
I think with all the shit I've done to my body
I was surprised
I had sperm that was still white.
Much less potent.
So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago.
It was the first abortion...
The only abortion, I've had...
But it was might have been
the longest abortion of all time.
It took a month to have.
Anyone had an abortion?
You're all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden.
So I assume you all have.
It's fucking horrible thing to go to.
And not horrible in that
"Oh it's a living thing, what are we doing?"
Fuck it, a living thing.
A genital wart is a living thing.
If it's gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right?
Bladder cancer is a living growing like a baby.
And if you try to remove that
I'll protest you and say "Stop playing God."
It's horrible.
We panted and then do any research...
Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out.
It's not like in 1955, when you just had to
kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right?
You feed her a tapeworm,
and hope it takes a left at the Y.
I mean you have medical options.
I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live
on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example
to living babies on, that were alredy on board,
and thinking about screaming through the all flight.
Little scared straight program to the infance but...
Can't do that.
But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy.
Yes, it sounds like, "Oh, it's an abortion pill!"
"Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?"
And you go "Ah, that sounds like you just take
a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come
and she leaves a quarter onto your womb,
and noone knows the whys about. But no.
It was a long story and I won't get
into the graphic details about.
But it would took a month to have this...
And what was more fucked up is how they treat you.
There was just this clinic...
Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??].
And they were all fucking assholes,
and they treated you like shit because they can.
And that's a problem.
Even though abortion is legal...
Yes, for a limited time only.
Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town
and he knows your body better than you.
Trust your government.
That blue light specials are about to end.
But even though it's legal,
it still lives in that grey area of shame
where if you even bring it up
in a fucking basement drunken comedy club
it creates a church like bingo all silence.
And that's how they treat you like shit.
Because they can get away with it.
It's like dildos, right?
They're legal, except for Mississippi,
"You're gonna jail for that!"
They're legal.
Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight.
You go out to the smut shop,
you get a nice topshop, a fucking blue wiggler,
and you bring it home,
and you jam[??] the batteries in it...
But then the neck doesn't swivel
quiet right for the G spot.
And then little robber rabbit
doesn't quiet reach you clitoris,
like it says it will on the box.
What are you gonna do? Bring it back?
You'll have to get have liquored up
on draft beer just to walk into that joint.
Much less stop buying monday morning
on the way to your accountant position when you're...
"How you did it talk to someone [??]
This doesn't reach my clitoris, There's something...
Can I try on a different one?"
They gonna tell you
to pound sand and get out of the store.
Who you gonna call?
The better business bureau?
"I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!"
It's the same with an abortion.
They know that I'm not gonna walk into a crowded clinic
with my wife and slap my hand down on the form[??]:
"This is the worst abortion
I have ever had, I want to see your manager."
"I want to talk to your manager.
You call this an abortion?"
"I would be embarrased to put out
this kind of workmanship, my friend."
"I'm gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am."
"I'm not gonna have my abortions here anymore."
"You have lost a very valuable
customer today, my friend."
"I'm cutting up my priority club membership card."
You're gonna fucking stare at me
like you don't have any...
Yeah, fine.
Before you actually go and get all
quiet pissy like I'm some asshole about this...
Keep in mind, I'm just telling you
the parts that I think are funny.
You don't know the reasons we had...
The reason that we had an abortion ...
It wasn't frivolous.
We didn't have an abortion cause
we weren't ready to take care of a child,
we're irresponsible, or because
we're not financially capable of taking...
The reason we had it
is cause I really wanted to see
what it felt like to kill a baby.
I just do not want you to judge.
Your priest will tell you...
Your priest will tell you that abortion is wrong.
Cause your priest'll tell you that
your life begin at conception.
But the priest'll also tell you
it's okay to suck his dick when you're only twelve.
So maybe is timing just off.
Here's what everyone seems to overlook with the all
priest molestation scandal, if you think about it.
With all the horrible, horrible shit
that your priest is pumping into your kid's head...
His dickshit'll be the least of your worries.
Honestly.
That's just a little bit of mouthwash and a
few years of theraphy'll get rid of that.
That Jesus shit will torch you for a lifetime.
"We sent our boy to church so he can learn
a lifetime of guilt, shame, self hatred..."
"All the things we enjoy."
"And then the priest flopped out his audience
here right in front of the child."
Who's the abused?
"How come you never told us
this was happening to him?"
Cause you're a feak and a prude and you can't...
Anytime that kid came to you
with anything of a sexual nature
you probably freaked out, and cramped up, and pruded up,
and send him to church to deal with it.
Where he got fucked in the face again.
A vicious circle.
"Mommy, is it normal for an older man to have sex
with a young boy my age right in his mouth?"
"Where do you get these ideas Kevin?
Who told you these things? That's horrible!"
"Sex is not like... Sex is something that...
Well sex is for people that..."
"Why don't you go talk to
Father Henry Hank about this right now?"
"Noooooo!" [choking]
"But mommy, I was trying to tell you
that he's the one who..." [choking]
And then they have big get togheters.
With cardinals, and the bishops and the...
Every big Halloween hat gets togheter
in one high ceiling venue
to discuss how to punish the offending priest.
"What do we do to punish him?"
"He had mouthfucked all the kids, what do we do?"
I'll tell you what you do.
You want to know how to punish him,
you go back to the Bible, hypocrite.
It's in Leviticus. It's that same passage
they use to justify the death penalty.
What does it say?
"Eye for an eye", exactly.
If it works for the death penalty, then it should
work just fine for your priest molestation issue.
A priest fucks your kid in the face,
you tell him "Billy, you march your ass
back over to that church right now."
"You fuck that priest in his mouth!
See how he likes it!"
"Go on boy! Give it to him good! Give it to him good!"
"I'm raising no sissies!"
Now the Church is all upset about the gay marriage.
Why?
It's one of those trick arguments where everyone
hits a big issue that doesn't really fucking matter.
But at the same time, the arguments don't matter...
"Oh, gays should not get marry,
that's gonna ruin family!"
"We have every right!"
Marriage should not be a legal institution,
that's the argument you should be having and noone...
The government should have no place
in your love life, that should not.
If you want to get married you
should be like joining a fraternity.
You want to get marry, you go to
your church or your "Chuck E. Cheese",
and they do a crazy rain dance around you and some
incantation and "pafoom!", you're a married person.
It doesn't mean anything.
What about tax brakes?
Fuck it.
If you want tax brakes, then corporate. Right?
The government should only look at you
as an individual, no matter what.
What if you're fucking idiot and you're ugly?
It's like the car pooling.
You can't find someone to marry. It's discrimination.
Not be a legal institution, it shouldn't exist.
If marriage didn't exist,
Would you invent it?
Would you go "Baby, this shit we got togheter, it's
so good! We gotta get the government in on issue!"?
We can't just share this commitment betweenst us.
We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit baby!"
It's hot!
But someone invented it.
And now you gotta do it or you're an asshole. Right?
It's like "Secretary's day".
Everyday was fine when you shuffled in an office,
till someone said "Oh, it's Secretary's day".
Now you're a dick if you don't bring her flowers.
Someone invented marriage and now you're a dick
if you don't marry and I'm a dick if I don't show up.
And it's a boring, egomaniacal ritual,
at noone wants to go to.
Don't ever for a second think that
someone wants to be at your wedding.
It's the most boring horrifying experience.
It's like watching someone
make out on a bus for six hours.
You gotta wear your nicest clothes and show up,
bring present, and tell weedy anecdotes.
I have to watch you my friend up there go "You know,
I'm gonna tell you what loving commitment mean to me."
"Cause the first time I saw Laura and Hen,
my heart swelled up."
If I'm gonna be that private,
your most intimate details...
I'd rather just watch you fuck.
That's a wedding.
Let me watch you fuck with a miner's cap
and get in there and see all the fucking boils
and fucking heat bumps and yes...
It's gross.
It's a trick argument. There's so many...
Pledge of Allegiance, is in the the Supreme Court.
That's another trick argument.
"Under God should be the Pledge of Allegiance!"
We don't need a Pledge of Allegiance, say that.
Why do you need that brainwashing cold shit?
If you have a good product,
kids'll figure it out on their own.
You don't need advertising.
Twelve years of forced advertising. Right?
You've done drugs in here by applause, right?
At some point.
Did you have a good time?
Do you ever see I'm advertised?
There needn't to.
You got a good product, people come around.
You don't need that shit.
"Well, you do had to have under God in there
cause they found it Fathers based this country
on the principles of christianity."
You want to worry about the Pledge of Allegiance, worry not about
the God part. Worry about the Liberty and Justice for all.
Talk to him in two years and
see what justice is all about.
And Liberty...
The meaning of Liberty, the dictionary definition...
"Liberty means freedom
from government restriction and control".
Not only the wee[??] have liberty.
Who has less liberty than the children, you make say this.
That's the irony. They get the least liberty
you've had it. We don't have, they got... [??]
They can't do shit. We got the oldest children in the
world in this country. Don't let them do shit forever.
They can't do shit. They can't drink,
they can't smoke, they can't drive,
they can't vote, they can't work.
They can't fuck, for God's sakes.
And you wonder why your teenage is such an asshole...
You wonder he's sitting in the Taco Bell parking lot
after the friday night high school football game...
He skin cars and he's smearing dog shit
on your door handles for no particolar reason.
It's cause he's bored out of his tit!
You won't let them do anything else.
You watch on the news, you see a ten year
old kid in the Third World country.
He's got a AK-47 and a death stare
looking right into the camera.
That kid's not out spray painting
over passes on saturday night.
He's got shit to do.
He's got a whole agenda.
He learned by fucking up, and it takes you until you fucked up
a bunch of times to learn. There's no magic number. [??]
You want to fix the Pledge of Alledgiance,
put a discalimer at the end.
"with Liberty and justice for all..."
"Must be 18 void with prohibitive [??], some
restricitons may apply. Not available in all states."
How do you plegde allegiance to a government?
How do you do that? That's the dumbest thing...
All America is as a government.
There's no such thing as "We're americans."
That's just trivial bullshit
to get you play routines for the home team.
You're not an American.
You're a guy. Or chick, whatever.
You're a person. That's you're an individual.
That's it.
Until the mongols came over the hills swinging
machetes trying to take our fucking fire hazzard
underground comedy club away from us...
Yes, then we are body up. As one.
But those days are over, there's noone trying to take over America.
We weren't on the virges[??] speaking Iraqi.
As far as America goes...
There's two coutries in the world:
"Dick" and "Not a dick". Those are the only two
countries. The border goes all the way around.
Did ever go to another country and meet
another american when you didn't expect to?
You're down in Costa Rica, up in the jungle,
trying to fuck a monkey so you have a friend,
a story to tell your buddy...
And you wind up meeting another american
and you didn't expect it, and you always
talk to him, just on the trivia...
"Hey you're from America!
I'm from america, where are you from?"
And there's never more then three sentences
before you realize "If I a was in America,
I wouldn't talk to this douchebag if my air
was on fire and he held the monopoly on liquid."
What does that mean?
I'm no more of an American than I am
an hairess[??] or an uncle. It's something
you called me and I just was "Cheer."
I just showed up and you called me some.
If you're gonna pledge blind allegiance
and call yourself american for a governmentthat
that fucks you on a regulare basis...
Democracy's the worst kind.
I'm sorry, but it is.
"We got to pick our leaders!"
What if I don't want a leader? What is that vote go?
You do good on my owm, I don't wanna be leaded.
That freedom?
"American idol" was the number one show
on television for the last two years.
Those are the people picking your leaders.
With less insight then they put in the
whether fucking Ruben Studdard win an award.
It's dumb.
Would you call yourself a christian
if they had a new Jesus every four years?
You wanna make a difference in the world,
here's some things you can do:
First, you work for a major corporation
fuck stuff up, break stuff.
It's good for the economy, it drives their prices up and
makes the small businessesmen become competitive again.
I get I'm bad with math,
but I think that one will work.
Trade out when you can.
Don't buy things if you don't have
to buy things if you can trade out...
If you're a pool cleaner, and you're a carpet layer
don't buy each others products. Trade out.
And that how you fuck the tax men. They have
so much of your money, they piss right in your face.
And they waste it, and they go
"Look how much of your money we're wasting!"
"Take it, you pitch! Fucking take my piss!"
They spent 30 million dollars
advertising the new 20-dollar bill.
30 million dollars to put TV as
"This is the new 20-dollar bill!"
Who's the competition?
You need to advertise...?
"Yeah, well, we had to spare 30 million, cause we are
pissing in his face. Yes, give me fucking 30 million
dollars while I fucking piss in your face!"
"What do you think I'm gonna start spending
costarican colonies, if you don't...?"
"I don't like the new twenny.
It's more of a autum colour..."
"I'm a spring..."
Trade out. They piss your money away
like a bad MC Hammer behind the music storey.
And if you trade out you can avoid that.
You get my point.
Here's the most important thing. Now that the
cops're out of the room we can talk about this.
Here's the most important...
I only got four minutes left up here.
Take jury duty.
This is how you beat him.
Everyone one tries to get out a jury duty
like it's a big pain in the ass.
But it's honestly the easiest way you can
make a difference as single human being.
If you take jury duty and it's any
kind of bullshit crime, any kind of
drug possession, any prostitution, any victimless crime,
anything that's none of your goddamn business...
You just say "Not guilty."
It's any kind of heiress bullshit, any .09DUY... Come on...
You say "Not guilty.".
If it's any kind of class action law suit,
with some douchebag her kid died in some
weird fashion and she deserves compensation.
Cause there was no warning on the box that if her kid
swallowed a Linkenlog sidewaysed he could have a bad day.
So she wants 8.5 million dollars.
Cause nothing spells relief of loss of a loved one
like 8.5 million dollars.
"It's just a principle of the thing."
Suit for a buck.
"You [??] my baby. He swallowed Linkenlogs, it's terrible!"
"Not guilty."
You know what I'm saying?
No matter how guilty they obviously are
In fact, the more guilty they obviously are
the funnier it is when you say "Not guilty."
The guy could be guilty of shit, and swedding
big shaky crackhead, and making up lies
yanking rabbits out of his ass for the judge...
"No, Your Honor, I down was in Colombia,
cause I had taken a landscaping job for a weekend
"through a temp agency, I was a kelly girl..."
"But down in Bogot you gotta
work naked for some reason."
"It's a weird costum that they have but I don't want
to complain. I needed to [??]"
"So I was bented over a pull start down lawn mower,
"and all of a sudden a small dark headed frog,
that's indigenous to the area,
"it spread of out the shrubbery and
it went fafoom right into my rectum,
"and then I went delirious from
the toxins in it skin, I blepped out..."
"And the next thing I know,
"I'm walking trough customs with a
condom full of coke in my colon."
And you say:
"Same thing happened to me! Not guilty!"
And then you go do bumps with the guy.
You can make a difference.
You just have to find a grift.
You don't live in a free country.
You've got a flag on your shirt, though.
Oh, he's upside down. You're fucking sweet.
It's not a free country. You're born free...
I mean, you are born absolutely free,
except for the laws of nature.
If you drink, you get drunk. That's a law.
If you get old, you die. That's a law too.
If you sit on a tack, you will bleed from the ass.
These are the only laws they that you're born with.
And any of government just fucks you
out that type of freedom.
If you really think you're free tonight...
You, hero!
Officer Bob, you're a free man!
You live in a free country!
You go upstairs...
You take your own beer you risked your life for...
You sit on the hood of your
monster truck in a parking lot...
Drink your beer.
And see how long it is before
actual vetrine cops come by
and pawn on you trundges[??]
on the kidneys, to show...
"Why can't I do it? I'm just having a beer."
"I don't know. That's the law, you don't fuck around."
You can't drive down the street
without a seatbelt on, why not?
You gotta put on a helmet.
You can't sit in your own backyard naked,
your own filthy dirty flesh that you're born with.
You know that body you carry around?
"Filthy! You can't sit out... Why not?
I don't know, that's just the way it is."
Mother!
You're not free.
You're not free in the least.
You need a dipoma in this country to cut hair.
Are you free?
You need to keep your tray in a operate
and a locked position during take-off.
That's not just a heck premise, it's a fucking fellony.
And the cunt, the hero sky cunt, fucking throw
you off the plane as a terrorist for going
"Why do I have to have...? This doesn't make sense."
They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
But if you teach a man to fish...
Then he's gotta get a fishing license,
but he doesn't have any money.
So he's gotta get a job, and he has to get
another Social Security system and pay taxes.
And now you gonna audit the poor cocksucker
cause he's not really good with math.
He'll pull the IRS van up to your house.
He'll take all your shit.
He'll take your black velvet Elvis,
and your Batman toothbrush and your penis pump...
And then all goes up for auction with the burden of
proof on you, cause you forgot to carry the one.
Cause you were just worried
about eating a fucking fish.
And you couldn't even cook the fish,
cause you needed a permit for an open flame.
And then the Health Department is gonna
start asking you a lot of questions about where
are you gonna dump the scales and the guts.
"This is not a sanitary environment."
And ladies and gentlemen, if you get sick
of it all at the end of the day...
Not even legal to kill yourself in this country.
Thanks again, John Ashcroft.
You weird bible addict, can't even hande his own drug.
You are born free, got fucked out the half of it.
And you're waving a flag celebrating.
"Hey, don't hold back!"
You got an argument?
"No, keep going!"
the onyl true freedom that you find
is when you realize and come to terms with the fact
that you are completely
and unapologetically fucked.
And then you are free to float around the system.
Thank you guys very much for coming out tonight.
Good night!
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