"And the prince took the beautiful young girl
in his arms and said, "Will you marry me?"
"Yes, she whispered, I will be your princess. "
Did they live happily ever after?
Of course, Elizabeth.
How do you know?
Because she was a good little girl.
If she had been naughty,
the prince would have run away.
What a pile of shit.
Oh, Charlie.
Charles, this is really important to me.
I forgive you. OK?
I love you.
God, that hurts so much when I say it out loud.
OK, Lizzie.
Charles, our marriage...
No, this is really important to me.
Charles, this is really...
OK, Charles.
Charles...
- Lizzie, shouldnt you be having lunch?
- This is important.
- Let me finish.
- You agreed.
You did more than agree.
It was your idea and you were right.
You were absolutely right. We cant go on.
Sooner or later one of us has got to do something
positive for once in our life for both our sakes.
- And you did it.
- I did?
- Yes.
- Wait. When was it my idea?
The best thing is for me to go
and live with Annabelle.
- I dont think I said that.
- Yes.
- I did? Annabelle? Is that her name?
- Yes.
Oh, God. I didnt know that.
- All I know is what you did with her on our sofa.
- Lizzie, I'm sorry.
I couldnt help myself.
I've been smitten by Annabelle.
Ive been bewitched by her.
I have been pounded flat on the anvil of love
like a piece of veal with a salad on top.
Excuse me. I test-drive this car?
This car looks great topless.
I think a car should represent its owner, dont you?
Charles, this is really important to me.
Lets not go through all this
I- never-want-to-see-you-again stuff
because we will want to see each other again.
Were not going to throw away two years, are we?
It was three years... in June.
Janie, thats what he said. He said he wants...
He wants to move out and go live with Annabelle.
I know.
If I could just be alone with him.
Yes, its hard to look on the bright side but...
Mm-hm.
Yes. Ive got my car.
I guess I'll stay in the apartment
but, Janie, I really want him back.
If I could just get him alone and talk to him.
Janie?
Janie, hold on. Hold on a second.
I'm just gonna get some change.
Hey, thats my car!
"Elizabeth!
"Dont spend any more money on Charles.
Elizabeth, Ill see you later anyway. "
Im so sorry, Your Honour.
I lost my money, my car, my husband.
All in one lunch hour?
- Yeah.
- Hey, do what I did. Plead insanity.
Counsel, advise your client
to keep his remarks to himself.
Sorry, Your Honour.
May we finally proceed?
Just a moment. Could the court reporter
approach the bench, please?
- Im sorry.
- So am I.
Youre fired.
- Thank you.
- Are you OK?
Mm-hm.
Lizzie?
- Elizabeth Cronin?
- Yeah.
Im Michael. Mickey. Im Mickey Bunce.
Used to live down the street
when we were little kids.
- Mickey. Goodness.
- Yeah!
- Its been 20 years.
- At least.
- Do you work here?
- No.
- Neither do I.
- No. I had a divorce here.
- Divorce?
- Yes.
Ah, I dont like that word.
Youve got to work things through
if you dont want to get divorced.
I gave it my best shot
but weve been separated two years now.
The good thing about it is I got to keep
my daughter. Thats Natalie.
- Shes real pretty.
- Shes beautiful.
Shes a lot to handle.
Shes a lot like you used to be.
- Like me?
- Yeah.
What do you mean?
Dont you remember
what you did to my grandmother?
- I didnt do anything to her.
- You said the same thing then.
You said that Fred did it.
Drop Dead Fred.
Grandma Bunce!
- Drop Dead Fred.
- I used to pretend I had an imaginary friend.
No one believed me.
Do you remember the time you and Fred
came over to borrow my fathers electric shaver?
Yes.
- You must have thought I was crazy.
- Not at all.
I believed you. It was just that
no one else could see him but you.
- He was so real.
- He was real all right. Really out of control.
No, not always.
Only when my mother was...
Well, you know.
Hey, we were all a little afraid of your mother.
Not Fred. No, he always stood up for me.
Thats what friends are for, even imaginary ones.
I realise youre feeling pretty conflicted right now.
I feel awful.
I did this self-actualising workshop
and they taught us that pain is your friend.
- Pain makes you interesting.
- Janie.
Look at Elvis.
Yeah, but didnt Elvis kill himself?
Yes, but before that he was interesting.
I want you to do some affirmations with me.
- Janie.
- Just do it.
Surround yourself with light.
Are you surrounded?
Yeah, I think so.
Repeat after me.
I dont need a man to complete my life.
- I dont need a man to complete my life.
- Im perfect the way that I am.
- Im perfect the way that I am.
- I hate Charles.
I hate Charles.
Dont you feel better?
No.
I love him. I really do.
I feel basically its all about choice.
Since youve already chosen, what you may
as well do is to choose what you chose.
- I heard.
- Hello, Mother.
I came as soon as I heard.
Its a good thing I've got a key to this apartment.
Hello, Mrs Cronin. Shell be all right.
She needs some nurturing. Give her a cuddle.
Cuddling is for teddy bears. Ive packed
your things. Youre coming home with me.
- Im staying here tonight.
- Charles is coming here later.
- I want to be here when he comes.
- Dont disagree with your mother.
Im staying here tonight. Im staying here tonight.
Now that were home, everything is perfect.
- Dont step on that carpet. I had it shampooed.
- Yes, Mother.
Take your things upstairs.
- I made up your bed.
- Oh.
Oh? Thats all you say to me?
- Thank you, Mother.
- Thats a good girl.
- Boo! Hello, snot face!
- Argh!
Yeugh! What happened to you? Look at you.
Youre all older. Youre even uglier.
Ugh! Im sorry I'm going to have to be sick
all over you. Lie down. Hang on.
- Wheres all the dolls?
- Drop Dead Fred.
Where is the dolls?
I want to play with the... Aha! The dolls.
Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelique. "Hello. "
Youre going to die. Ah!
Mr Pooh.
"Hello. " You die, too.
"No, no, no!" Yes, yes, yes.
"My intestines. Not my intestines!"
D- E-D.
I must be dreaming.
Wheres the fire truck and the rest of the toys?
Theyre gone.
Im grown up.
- Grown up?
- Uh-huh.
Grown up?
Great.
That means theres a load
of grown-up things to smash.
Come on!
- Where are we going?
- Play time!
Whee!
Who put that there?
I forgot to give you something.
Ha-ha-ha!
Where is it? Come on.
There must be some here somewhere.
Ah! Here it is.
Mind your backs.
Ooh! Careful.
Ive got some dog poo right here.
Dog poo, dog poo, lovely, lovely dog poo
dog poo on the chair
All along the side, all up here,
lovely, lovely smelly dog poo
- Elizabeth?
- Yeah, its me, Mother.
- Im just getting a glass of water.
- Uh-huh.
Well, mind the carpet.
Hey, snot face, look. Ink.
Lets write something on the carpet.
Lets write, "Mother sucks. "
No. Wait a minute. Ive a better idea.
Lets play a game.
- A game?
- Yeah, a game, like we used to, in the old days.
A game. OK. Great. But not dolls.
Not dolls cos were grown-ups now.
Not dolls. How about hide-and-seek?
Great. I love hide-and-seek.
Great. Maybe you should give me that inkwell first.
Sure. Here.
Catch.
Nice catch. OK. Hide your eyes
and count to a million.
Im going to hide in a place
where youll never find me. Bye-bye.
Four, five...
What am I doing?
What am I doing?
Oh, boy.
I dont know what to say.
- I didnt want anybody to walk on my carpet.
- Yeah, I know.
But here I am, scrubbing away at what
can only be described as dog mess.
Honestly, youre not even back for a day
and youre behaving like a five-year-old.
Mother, do you remember when I was little
I had this friend? He was make-believe.
No.
Dont you remember I was
the only one who could see him?
No, I dont remember Drop Dead Fred at all.
Morning.
So whos for snot flicking?
I hid all night in the stupid garden shed
and you didnt even bother coming to look for me.
Oh, my God.
Is it? It is.
The megabitch. Let me at her!
- Is this for me?
- Get me an axe.
No, get me a chainsaw.
Im going to slice her into tiny pieces.
Mother, are you going to be doing
any gardening today?
Well, it is a lovely day for it.
The death breath.
She killed me with the death breath.
Be gone, evil one!
Hey, maybe theres a steak in there.
We can drive it through her heart.
Brrrr!
Phew.
Uh!
My head! The megabitch squashed my head!
The bitch. She squashed my head.
The evil one reigns supreme.
Theres nothing I can do.
Aah! Phew.
Wow.
Cobwebs.
Whats so funny?
Nothing. Would you come
sit here with me, Mother?
- Go away.
- You want me to go away?
All right. Fine. Say the magic words and Ill piss off.
- Piss off.
- Gotcha. Those werent the magic words.
- What did you say to me?
- She told you to piss off. Are you deaf?
I said piss off but I did not say it to you.
Well, its no wonder Charles left you.
You just dont know how to make a marriage work.
You got married? You mean
youve been doing it like the pigeons? No.
Yuck!
There they are. Which one of you two did it?
Was it you?
Whoever taught her how to do it
is going to get flattened.
There! Come back!
Shes absolutely insane.
- Pigeon pie for you.
- Fred, stop!
So you got married.
Snot face grew up and got married.
Fred, what are you doing here?
Im stuck cos your stupid, ugly, fat,
grown-up husband has left you.
So youre all alone and youre all unhappy.
I had to come back and I cant get home again
until youre happy. Why dont you get happy?
OK.
The only thing that could make me happy
would be getting Charles back.
- All right. Lets get Charles back. I'll help you.
- OK.
- Youll help me?
- Yeah, Ill help you.
When have you ever helped me?
- All the time. Thats what I do.
- Youve never helped me.
- Excuse me. Yes, I have.
- Did not.
- Did so.
- You did not.
- I did.
- You did not.
- Did not, did not, did not!
- I did, I did, I did!
Right, thats it. I hate you.
- Ow!
- Goodbye forever. I hope you die horribly.
Fred, come back.
Fred!
You dont want me anymore? Well, fine.
Ill throw myself in front of
the first... fire truck that I can see.
- Fred.
- Youre going to be sorry.
- Go ahead.
- Goodbye.
Argh!
What have I done?
Wake up.
Snot face, wake up. Wake up!
- What is it?
- Its time to play burglars.
- Real burglars?
- Real burglars.
The kind that wear sweaters
and Buster Browns. Look.
Da-da!
I made your sweater stripy.
Great.
- What is it?
- Look.
Its a burglar bag.
Nigel. Nigel!
I think I heard something.
What are we doing this for?
Glues. OK. Its perfect.
Lets go. Well steal gold
and well steal silver and well steal jewels
and hide them where
no one will ever find them, including us.
Promise?
I promise.
Lets go, burglar.
This is very expensive.
Then wed better be very careful.
What was that?
- OK. Come on.
- The coast is clear.
Shh. Shh.
Aha!
Hey, snot face. Look at this.
Eeeeeh!
Oh, no. Gladiolas.
A- A-A-chooo!
Ow!
- Are you all right, Fred?
- Yes, I'm all right.
- Hello, police?
- Are they there?
- Hello.
- Give them the address.
Tell them theres a burglar.
OK, buddy, what shall we steal now?
- How about the telephone?
- Good idea.
- Thats probably where the diamonds are hidden.
- Yeah! Great idea.
Hello?
Whats the matter? Whered they go?
- Theyve cut the phone line.
- Oh, my God!
Now its time to make our getaway through here.
Now, opening a window requires
great sophisticatedliness.
- So I'd better do it, OK?
- OK.
Ha! Ouch.
I love those breaking noises.
- Oh, my God. Im having a heart attack.
- Shh!
Shh. Shh!
OK.
- OK.
- Come on, Fred.
Right, lets do it.
OK, well bury the treasure here
and no one will find it.
Oh, mind that.
Weve been found out.
- Its dark in there.
- Be careful. Stay low.
Kick it in.
Ow!
Stay down here.
- What shall we do?
- Make a run for it.
No. Its too late for that now.
Snot face, Im going to take the rap alone.
- No.
- Yes. Give me the guilty sweater.
No!
Snot face.
A guys coming up the stairs.
Im going to ask him what he wants.
Dont leave me.
Keep cool.
Argh!
Nigel, dont die!
Right. I want you to tell them loud and clear
and proud, "Drop Dead Fred did it. "
- Im no coward.
- I dont want to.
Just do it, no brain.
- Go on.
- Drop Dead...
Drop Dead Fred...
I didnt say it right. Fred?
Hey, I thought you werent a coward.
Im not a coward. Have they gone?
Why are you taking my husband?
It's a mistake. I am calling our lawyer.
- Go inside.
- Why are you going with them?
- We are pillars of the community.
- Get a grip.
What will the neighbours think? Officer...
Maybe Mommys right.
I never do anything right.
So what? What are you saying that for?
Youre great. Shes not.
Shes always fighting with your dad
and calling you horrible things.
Look, youve got to be what you want to be.
Dont you ever be like her.
- Promise?
- Promise.
OK.
Ow!
Got you, Fred.
Hey!
Elizabeth, what are you doing?
Get dressed. Were late.
Mother, can we talk about when I was little?
We havent got time. We have to get you
back with Charles and I can do it.
Lets go.
There. You see what I mean? You look wonderful.
Now, Elizabeth, dont worry.
All these products are cruelty-free.
No, you see, I think it should
definitely be more like mine.
More blush here.
Oh, yes. Much more grown-up.
Charles is going to love this.
Oh.
A note, Elizabeth, to you.
- Its from Charles.
- More bad news, no doubt.
"Dear Lizzie, I came by but no one was here
so I thought Id leave this note.
"I miss our mornings. "
"I miss our mornings. "
- You cant go to work.
- I love you but Ive got to go.
"The little games we used to play.
"You have the softest touch. "
Ooh! Ow.
"Youre like a Lynch Bages "83,
a fine wine thats sure to age well.
"Please come home. "
"Ill wait for you at our apartment. "
At last he wants to talk.
Its more than your father did when he left.
Does he say anything else?
Just one more thing. "Love, Charlie. "
Charles.
Charlie.
- Shit yourself?
- God, I thought you were dead.
It takes more than a fire truck
to stop Drop Dead Fred.
You have to leave. Im expecting Charles.
Expecting Charles. Thats important. I'd better go.
- Theres a problem. Charles isnt coming.
- What do you mean?
I wrote the note.
Havent got a husband!
Havent got a husband!
Got a stupid haircut!
"Look at my horrid, stupid haircut, everybody. "
Na na na-na na! Looks just like her mother.
Another little megabeast.
It was only a joke.
It was just a joke.
Snot face.
It was just a joke.
Come on.
Hey. Look. Look.
Da da-da da-da-da da!
Want a cookie?
Whats the matter?
I really thought that Charles wanted me back.
Whats so special about him?
I mean, can he make you puke?
- Not like you can.
- Nah.
So what, then?
- Do you really want to know, Fred?
- Yeah.
I love him.
Why?
I dont know.
He sends me flowers and brings me wine.
Hes very romantic.
He can be really sweet sometimes.
Ive never heard anything
so disgusting in all my life.
Bleurgh! Romance?!
Bleurgh!
- Urgh! Whats this?
- Charless poster for his wine-tasting party.
- Will Charles be there?
- Yeah.
- Well, lets go.
- No. I cant go alone.
- Ill come with you. Ill be your date.
- Thats really nice but no thanks.
Janie!
Janie.
- Janie, I need your help.
- At three in the morning?
What is with your hair?
Is there a Marilyn Quayle lookalike contest?
I got this note, not from Charles,
from Drop Dead Fred.
- Who? Drop Dead?
- An imaginary friend I had as a child.
- Hes back.
- I hear you knocking but you cant come in.
Murray is in there. You cant stay long.
Janie, suddenly hes everywhere
and only I can see him.
Hes driving me crazy. Its like hes my best friend
and yet Im scared to death of him.
- I thought I was your best friend.
- You are.
- Not just because Im visible.
- Janie!
- Are you coming back?
- Ill be right up, Mur.
- Hes such an animal.
- You mean he goes all night?
What do you think, he shits in the corner,
he eats with his paws? You cant stay here.
If somebody else could see Drop Dead Fred,
then Id know Im not crazy.
Is he here now?
- No.
- Good.
I was going to say if he is, I cant see him.
Janie, if I go home, hes bound to be there.
You cant stay here, though.
I cant go home.
Oh!
- All right, stay the night.
- Thank you.
Murray is here one night a month.
You had to pick tonight.
Wake up. Look what Ive done.
Elizabeth, wake up. Look.
Snot face, wake up.
Wake up!
Wake up. What, are you shedding?
Did you do this to yourself?
Oh! Drop Dead Fred did it.
- He was here?
- Am I missing something?
- Is this a girly thing?
- Its a creative visualisation.
She has an imaginary friend.
Oh. I never had imaginary friends.
Just wet dreams.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Im going to be at work till lunch, then Ill be back.
That is a very strange young lady.
Shes going through a difficult time
and she is a friend.
- Im not criticising.
- You are.
- Im just describing what I saw.
- Everybody has strange friends, even you.
- But all mine are alive.
- Thats not saying much.
Charles!
Charles!
Charles!
Its got to be him.
It looks just like our boat.
I think thats him.
Pirates!
- I love playing pirates.
- Fred, dont touch anything.
Sure. This is going to be great.
Well sail the seven seas.
Well put on eye patches.
Well cut off our legs and glue on wooden ones.
- I cant touch anything?
- No. OK?
Yeah, sure. Ill just touch that one.
- I wont touch that one. Ill touch that one.
- Nothing.
- I am the pirate who doesnt touch anything.
- Thats right.
Except this one.
- What did you just touch?
- Nothing.
- What did you touch?
- The red one.
Fred!
The engines broken, thats all. Ill go and fix
the engine. You keep an eye out, Captain.
Aye aye, Captain.
Fred, hes getting away.
What? Faster?
Okey-dokey.
This way! Captain Freds in charge!
Drown the fishes! Kill all the parrots!
What is that water doing there?
- What water?
- That water.
I dont know. What are your thoughts?
Whoa!
Man the lifeboats!
Excuse me a minute, would you?
- Now whats happened?
- I have some bad news for you.
More?
Remember your house?
Yeah.
It... It sank.
What?
Er, I didnt mean for it...
Drop Dead Fred just...
He was way out of control.
Do you think I have an imaginary-friend clause
in my insurance?
Janie, Im so sorry.
- Everything I own is on that boat.
- Its all still there.
Its just... not so near the top of the water.
You always tell me to look on
the bright side of things.
What would that be in this particular situation?
There he is.
- Murray?
- No.
- Not...
- Yes.
How about the silverware service? A complete
mystery to me but was completely ruined.
Any response?
Hes waving at us.
Wave or he might do something awful.
- Hi!
- Whats he doing now?
Nothing yet.
Do it to them, Murray.
I think its time we got down to specifics,
dont you?
Specifics, dont you? What is it? Its gone now.
Hes just sitting in your chair. Do you see him?
No, but that wont stop me
from killing the little bastard.
But we have an item wed like for you to see.
The police report.
The damage to the room was incredible.
Excuse me, gentlemen. Hello, sweetheart.
Arent you a cute little thing?
Im just going to borrow this.
Ill be back in a second.
Snot face.
Have I got him?
What are you doing, Miss Shagrue?
Im running for Congress.
What does it look like Im doing?
- Theres nobody there.
- Hes invisible, idiot.
Die! Youre dead, little man!
Thats for the boat!
Thats for ruining the one schtup I get a month
when Murrays wife is out of town!
Its very hot in here, isnt it?
This is stupid. We ought to be in a shop
that sells harpoons and nets and hammers.
- What for?
- We could harpoon Charles through the head,
drag him home and hit him with the hammer
till he agrees to come back.
- Harpoon him through the head?
- Brilliant.
- Its not going to work.
- How many times have you tried it?
- Were not five any more.
- I know.
- This would be good for the wine gala.
- It looks like a big bruise.
- Im going to be late for lunch.
- Who are you having lunch with?
An old friend and I dont mean you.
Youre not invited.
Why not?
We always do everything together.
Thank you.
- This is a great place.
- Its Charless favourite restaurant.
Oh.
You cut your hair.
- Yeah. Charles is going to hate it.
- You look beautiful.
- Just relax. Lets have a nice lunch.
- OK.
Hi. Whats happening?
Oh, no. Mickey fart pants. Who let him grow up?
- Go away.
- What?
- Im sorry.
- No, dont apologise.
I love being with you.
I love the way you cut your hair.
I love the way you sink houseboats.
Look at him. Hes still talking about love.
I always said you should be a girl.
You know, some people believe
that you really never ever fall out of love.
Oh! This isnt like when we were five.
Were grown-ups now, so piss off.
Id like to know more about
the grown-up Mickey Bunce.
OK, I...
Well... I know how much you...
hate the word divorce
but after mine I had to get back
into the whole dating...
game.
- Yes, Mickey, go on.
- Yes, Mickey, go on.
OK. Erm...
See that woman over there?
Mm-hm.
Well, I dated her three or four times.
It was funny. I didnt know whether I should
hold her hand when we walked down the street
or give her a kiss good night.
I felt like I was back in high school again.
Why did you do that?
- I didnt.
- No, you did. I saw you do that.
I did, didnt I? To get the waiters attention.
Well, I dont think that works.
Maybe that does work.
Your lunch.
And your lunch, sir.
This table leg must be loose again.
Peekaboo.
Peekaboo, yeah.
I play that with Natalie all the time.
Oh, yeah...
- Smells good.
- Mm!
OK. Why did you do that?
Disgusting!
Im crazy.
You are crazy in the most wonderful way.
God, I wish I could be like that.
I wish I could do those kind of things.
What the hell.
Hey, buddy.
- Uh-oh!
- You dont throw spaghetti in my restaurant.
Fine. You do it.
You and the Puttanesca woman, out of here.
I like him a lot better than I used to.
- Take it easy.
- Youre out of here.
- It was a joke. You guys should loosen up.
- Out!
- What is Puttanesca?
- My dress.
Ill get it. Id like to. What the hell.
Amigos.
- Having fun?
- Come on, buddy.
That was great. That make you feel better?
No. First you sink Janies houseboat.
What you did in that restaurant.
- All you do is smash things up.
- Whats wrong with that?
Nothing, except youre ruining my life.
Your problem is youre no fun anymore.
Youve turned into your mother.
You are so sick. You know what?
I dont want an imaginary friend any more.
Do you see what youre doing to me?
Im talking to myself.
Youre driving me crazy.
Please just get out of my life.
All right, fine, Im going and youre never
going to see me again ever. Bye.
I asked you nicely.
Shh!
Somebody call security.
Im so sorry.
Im...
You play such an expensive violin
in a shopping mall?
Where? What?
Im just getting my bag. Im fine, Mother.
How can you say that
when you have conversations with thin air?
Not thin air, Drop Dead Fred.
- Dont mention his name.
- Sorry.
You may have Drop Dead Fred. I have Dr Ryland.
Elizabeth, please have a seat outside.
I need a word with your mother.
Thats the piece, Matthew. Youve finished it.
Im really sorry. I didnt know I was going
to get you into so much trouble.
So what did the doctor say?
Are you insane or what?
Did they give you a lobotomy?
Hes very good with children.
Oh.
Hes one of the countrys leading experts
in dealing with the imaginary-friend syndrome.
Your child has one, too, huh?
I dont have a child.
Oh?
- Well, whos in there?
- My mother.
Oh!
- Which one of you is...
- Me.
- Lets go.
- Ill leave when I want to.
OK, fine.
OK, I was just asking. Just trying to be nice.
Go to Hell Herman! Argh!
Fred! Argh!
Punch me.
Hey, hey!
Yaah!
Hey, Fred!
- Velcro Head!
- Yaah!
Brrrrrrr!
What are you doing?
I am playing with my friends.
Hey, Freddy. Hi, guys!
- Graggy.
- Hey, Fred, hold this.
Thats so Namby Pamby.
You called?
Namby Pamby!
Whoo!
This is great. The whole gangs here.
Lets have a sick contest!
Hey, watch this. Charge!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Oooh!
Very nice.
Nine, maybe ten. I love it.
- Not bad, huh?
- Beautiful.
Let her take these after meals and before bed.
- Are there any side effects?
- None.
They just neutralise that part of the brain
which is malfunctioning.
How did it come to this?
Shes regressed to where these children are.
Elizabeth.
- Well, Ive got to go, so Ill see you chickens later.
- Fred. Not the pills.
Why not? Do they make you sick or stupid?
Ill take them. Im Fred.
You dont want to let her take the green ones.
- Why not?
- Remember Go-Go Mouth?
Yeah.
- Dont worry about me.
- No, no, F...
Here we are.
Now, I want you to eat all your vegetables.
- Yes.
- Yes what?
- Yes, thank you.
- Thats better.
Were going to be great friends, Mrs Cronin.
I can see that.
Ill be right back.
Dont eat the napkin, dear. Ive got a black belt
and I could break you like that.
Youre going to behave.
Conscious or unconscious, its all the same to me.
Whoo! I like her. She is good. She is awfully good.
Ill be back in a moment with your pill.
"Ill be back in a moment with your pill. "
Wait a minute. Those are the... pills. This is
getting serious. Wed better get out of here.
- I know, but this will take one minute.
- Theres no way anyone can see her.
- I know, cos shes so crazy.
- Yes, crazy.
- Michael, take your foot out of my door.
- Oh...
Come on. Snot face, lets go.
Look, I am getting fed up of this.
Its getting dangerous.
Theres two of them now and theyve got pills.
Theyre going to turn you into one of them.
Youve started already.
You picked up a piece of broccoli and went,
"What a lovely piece of broccoli. "
I cant believe it. Its beyond disgusting.
Snot face, please help.
Come on.
Look, remember when your dad picked up
the megabeast and threw her out the window?
- That never happened.
- It didnt happen, but you wanted it to.
Yeah. So did I.
Do you remember? Hm?
Remember?
Elizabeth, youve made
a mess of your beautiful hair.
The time has come...
when we dont want to hear the words
Drop Dead Fred ever again.
Dont you agree, Nigel?
- Hm? About what?
- This Drop Dead Fred business.
- Im sorry, Pol.
- Stand still. Ill clean it later.
I have some cereal?
May I have some cereal?
Yes, you may in just a minute.
We dont eat food off the floor.
- Why do you call him Drop Dead Fred?
- Because thats his name, Daddy.
And Drop Dead Fred
is going to teach me how to cook today.
Im going to need flour and sugar
and honey and vodka.
And a pair of your pants. Were making pants pie.
Ouch!
Vodka and pants pie. God knows what else.
Shes only a kid, Pol.
Daddy, how about we throw
Mommy out the window?
It wont hurt her. Shell land right in the gladiolis.
You shouldnt say things like that
about your mother.
She might cut your head off.
Very funny, Elizabeth.
Sometimes I think I dont love you
as much as I used to.
- Drop Dead Fred does.
- No more Drop Dead Fred, period!
- Hi, Fred.
- Youre completely wrong cos I dont love you.
I dont love anyone cos loves for girls
and girls are disgusting.
Im a loner. Im a crazy, wide-eyed loner
on a doomed space mission to Venus
to battle with the three-headed megabeast.
But on the way there, I caught cornflakes disease.
Pants pie cant save me now.
The only thing that can save me is a mud pie.
Yeah! Come on.
Here it comes.
- Take the top off.
- OK.
- Here it comes.
- Wow, my first real mud pie!
Its not ready yet. We need lots of other things.
We need cornflakes and orange juice. Beautiful.
- Thats lovely.
- This is fun.
A little tea. A lot of tea.
- Sugar?
- Yeah.
- Thats good.
- Here.
Thats good. Theres the milk. Good.
Lots of milk.
Lovely. Right.
Yeah, but its not ready.
Its still too pretty. It needs something.
I know.
There.
Great. When somethings not working,
the best thing is to tear it apart to make it better.
Elizabeth, are you behaving in there?
- Im not afraid of the megabeast.
- Im not either.
When she comes in here,
well make her eat up this mud.
- And then well cut her head off.
- With scissors.
- And then well make her eat it.
- Make her eat her own head?
- With what?
- Oh, yeah. Well, Ill eat her head, then.
- And Ill eat the rest of her.
- Yeah! And then well get up...
And well poo her all over the table
cos were not afraid of anything. Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Argh!
- Elizabeth!
- Quick, hide.
Quick.
Hurry up!
OK?
Ah!
Oh, my...
What is wrong with you?
Youve been playing with him, havent you?
Where is he?
Dont take him away from me!
So that must make you cry.
Well, now I know what to do.
Give me it. No, dont take him away from me.
- Nigel, do it.
- No, I wont.
- I dont want anything to do with it. Its not right.
- All right. Ill do it.
Its not right.
What would you know about raising a child?
Apparently nothing.
If you ever touch this again, Ill throw it in the trash.
Do you know what will happen?
He will be crushed to death.
"Dear Drop Dead Fred,
"you were my only friend
but she took you away from me.
"I know Ill see you again someday. "
"If you come back,
I promise well run away together. "
See that? "Promise. "
I found that when I was hiding in the garden shed.
Thats right. Thats where I hid it.
But you never answered it.
You just disappeared.
And when you did all the... life
and, um, the spirit...
- and the...
- The Fred.
Yeah, Fred. Just went out of me.
I should never have let my mother know
how much she could hurt me.
Once she knew how,
she knew that she could do it all the time.
And she did.
So I never showed her my real feelings again.
- So?
- So?
So now can we run away, please?
- Where to?
- To the party.
- To the Charlie party.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
Yeah!
OK?
Lets go.
Oh, no, gladiolas.
No. No. No!
Where do you think youre going?
Im going.
- No, youre not, youre staying.
- No, Mother, this time Im definitely going.
Good night, flake.
Yeah, well, were not scared of you, fatso.
Come on. Well go out the window.
Im good at this. Stand back.
Wait a minute.
I love those breaking noises.
Lets go. Come on.
Hey, door-to-window service.
- I brought your dress, madam.
- Mickey.
- you give me a lift?
- Absolutely. Come on.
Oi, wait for me.
- I believe you ordered the spaghetti.
- I hate you.
Mickey, Im so sorry.
I hope I didnt get you into trouble.
No. Look, its OK. Its all been great to me.
Youre going to look beautiful in your dress.
I hope Charles appreciates it.
Hes just a total and utter girl, isnt he?
This is great, stuck in a truck with two girls.
Mickey, youre the best.
- Thanks.
- I think I was six when we moved away.
I remember getting in the car, pulling away,
taking one last look at you
and thinking, "Im never going
to get to have fun with Betsy again. "
Mickey Bunce.
Dont you hate it when youre right
about the wrong things?
- Lets go.
- Thanks.
- Snot face, you are looking great.
- I am?
Yeah. For a girl.
There he is.
- Is that him?
- Mm-hm.
I thought he liked wine.
Why does he keep spitting it out?
- Wheres he gone?
- I dont know. Come on.
Right.
- Fred, lets just behave ourselves.
- Sure. Not a problem.
Grapes.
Could someone grab a hold of this?
What? Why do I always get the blame? Youve
got the grape. The lady with the grape did it.
- Where is he?
- I dont know.
Dont worry. Ill find Charlie boy for you.
Wait here. Charlie!
Charlie!
Oha...
No panties.
No panties! Ah!
Get up. Get up.
- Fred, get up.
- Go away!
- Get up.
- Spoilsport.
I was just admiring your dress.
The material, its so pretty. Slinky.
Oh!
- Its pretty neat.
- It looks good on you.
It feels good on. I like yours. Yours is nice.
- Its very purple.
- Annabelle.
- My little Chardonnay.
- There you are.
Elizabeth. My God.
Thats him.
Don't just stand there, do something.
Go on. Kiss him.
You said she was mousey.
Im sorry. Excuse me.
Dont go. Its going great.
Are you OK?
- I think so.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
- My little vermentino.
- My little Pinot Noir.
I cant believe we left the party so soon.
All that wine to spit around.
- We didnt even get to play spin the bottle.
- I got upset.
God, youre so stupid.
You never leave a party till the very end.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Cinderella left early. Remember her?
No, I dont remember her. I forgot everything
about her. She made me puke.
I remember the ugly sisters. They were great.
Youre here.
- I tell you something?
- What?
You look fabulous.
I do?
Darling, you need me.
I do?
To protect you.
From what?
Men like me.
- But, Charles, theres so many things...
- No. No talk.
Just kiss.
What was that?
Oh, its Fred.
Fred? What did you do, give this Fred a key?
Hey, Fred, Im home now.
Its Charles, Lizzie's husband.
Is he the violent type?
Only with me.
Jesus.
Who does this guy think he is,
playing around with a married woman?
Polly, hi.
What did you do?
Hello?
You are a wonderful man, Charles,
but she is dangerous.
I love dangerous. Dont worry.
I can take care of this Drop Dead Fred.
If you think you can handle it, here.
- But, Charles, she is just a child.
- Im a grown-up, Polly.
Where were we?
Eurgh! What does that taste like?
Charles, lets talk. Its kind of important to me.
Of course it is.
- Youre not going to get that out, are you?
- Not now.
- Not now?
- No, I mean now.
- Now.
- Now.
Hang on.
Hang on. This isnt how the pigeons do it. Youre
supposed to stamp on her head and peck her.
- Charles.
- Annabelle.
- What?
- What?
What happened?
You just said Annabelle.
- No, I didnt.
- Yes, you did. You said, "Oh, Annabelle. "
- You said "Oh, Annabelle. "
- Thats impossible.
Charles, I heard you. You said Annabelle.
Well... if I said, "Oh, Annabelle," isnt it better that
I said, "Oh, Annabelle" and I was here with you,
than to say "Oh, Lizzie" and be somewhere else
with Annabelle?
Yeah.
I know what youre doing. Youre going to do
what he did to Annabelle on the sofa.
- Dont say things like that now, Fred.
- Lizzie.
I think its time to say goodbye... to your friend.
Hey. Hey!
Listen, Im Drop Dead Fred, right?
If your husband thinks he can get rid of me
with a stupid pill, hes got another think coming.
Ow.
Well, thank you very much, dear friend.
Charles.
Oh, you look so handsome!
- Lizzie, come on, now. Dont do that.
- We have to do it this way.
Look, Ive got a long day.
I dont like him.
No. It scares me.
Go on. Out his throat.
Go on.
- Whats the news?
- Wait till my endorphins kick in.
You know, the bodys natural morphine.
Here it comes.
Ooh!
- The aerobic rush. Now ask me.
- Whats the big news?
Have you ever seen so many zeros
outside of the national debt?
- I never knew a barge was worth this much?
- Not a barge. A river condominium.
I had no idea they were worth
that much until mine sank.
What a total groove. Youve got Charles back
and I have all those zeros.
Our lives have worked out!
Thank you, Drop Dead Fred.
Dont waste your breath. Im phasing him out.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Whats for dinner?
Your favourite.
Beef Wellington, how nice.
- To us.
- To... us.
For you, my love.
What the hell is that?
- Mud pie.
- Is that supposed to be a joke?
- Fred!
- Its either him or me, Elizabeth.
Its you. I swear. Fred is gone.
You know what? Ill make a dinner salad.
- Forget it.
- Ill make a lovely salad. Please.
Itll be the most romantic, wonderful,
romantic... romantic salad.
- A romantic dinner salad.
- Yeah. OK?
- OK.
- Here I go. Im making it.
Its going to be so good. If you leave those pants,
Ill take them to the dry cleaners tomorrow.
Youll never hear from Fred again.
- Hes the wrong man for you.
- I dont want to hear it.
Youre not happy.
- Yes, I am.
- If youre so happy, why am I still here?
I can fix that.
No, dont do that. Please dont do that.
Darling...
Of course I still love you, Annabelle.
Hey, Im your fella, Annabelle.
Yeah.
Snot face, come here.
- I dont hear you.
- Its important. Hes worse than the megabeast.
- Thats it. Im taking the last pill.
- No.
- The goodbye pill.
- Dont do that.
Just look in there. Please.
Annabelle... Annabelle, shell never know.
And so what if she does?
No, listen. Would you listen?
I am in control with Lizzie.
Im in the drivers seat.
She trusts me.
Youve got to leave him.
I dont feel so good.
Leave him.
I cant.
Im scared to be alone.
Come with me.
- "Fred?"
- "Yeah. "
- "Where are we going?"
- "Use your imagination. "
- "Fred?"
- "Youll know what to do. "
"Fred?"
Im scared.
I dont want to be alone here.
Get in, Lizzie. I want to take you away, goose.
Dont you love me anymore?
- Hi.
- Fred.
So what are you going to do about him?
Nice job. Nice job.
Couldnt have done better myself.
Come on. This way.
Ow!
We need a tree.
Youre getting good at this. Lets go.
Just where do you think youre going?
Just forget her. Just say the magic words.
- Im not afraid of you.
- You cant go in there.
Im not afraid of you!
Finally, the magic words.
We dont have to be afraid any more.
You have to go now.
OK. Im ready.
- Lets go.
- No.
You have to go alone.
- But I want you to come back with me.
- Thats just tough.
You have to go alone. I cant get back now.
Look, youve got you now.
You dont need me. Not anymore.
So...
goodbye.
Just kiss me and say Drop Dead Fred.
Now.
Drop Dead Fred.
What do you mean its no good for you this way?
Annabelle, wait.
Well, to hell with you, Annabelle.
Lizzie, is our romantic salad ready?
Yeah.
Bye, Charles.
Oh!
I forgot to give you something.
Yes, Charles. Leave everything to me. Its Charles.
Charles?
Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do.
I know whats best for me. You have
to stop treating me like Im your enemy.
Enemy? Sometimes I wonder with you.
I made the same mistake a lot of people make.
- I had a child to save a marriage.
- How can you say that?
You made things worse. He left because of you.
What a pile of shit.
Dont you dare. Dont you dare walk out on me.
Elizabeth. Lizzie.
Ill be lonely.
You should get yourself a friend.
You have a lot of options open to you right now.
I just think Id like to be one of them. OK?
- OK.
- Daddy, it was his idea.
I wanted to play but he bumped me
on the head and said piss off.
- Natalie, what did you do?
- Natalie Bunce, where are you?
Come back in here this minute
and get cleaned up.
Natalie, what happened here?
- Its chocolate and its yummy. Want some?
- No, I dont want any.
She made a terrible mess in the kitchen
and expects me to believe a pretend friend did it.
Hes not pretend. Hes Drop Dead Fred.
What did you say?
She said Im not pretend. What are you, deaf?
Natalie, now, come on. What really happened?
I told you. Dont you believe me?
I believe you. Next time you see
Drop Dead Fred, you send him my love.
Mr Bunce.
Look out. Its the witch. Come on. Quick.
This is it. Im afraid youre going
to have to find a new baby-sitter.
Shes just too much.
OK. Now.
Help! Help!
We did it. I told you it would work. Brilliant.
Help! Help! Help!
Well done.