You can run, but you can't hide
from the Lord.
You can never
judge a woman with bad...
Sarah Rose knows
you're a beautiful person.
Sarah Rose knows
you have an unusual talent.
Sarah Rose knows
you're a teenage girl.
And she definitely knows...
that you are ready for
the ultimate in teen glamour.
The American
Teen Princess Pageant!
And now, a few words
from last year's host...
Mr. Adam West!
The American
Teen Princess Pageant...
has been enriching the lives of
American-made girls since 1945.
The American
Teen Princess Pageant...
provides personal growth,
scholarship, travel!
And you might even meet
a few celebrities.
Yes!
At the national level...
thousands of seventeen-year-old
girls like yourselves...
compete around the country
in places like...
beautiful Mount Rose,
Minnesota...
and make it all the way
here to Lincoln, Alabama...
to compete for the title
of American Teen Princess.
So which one of you will it be?
Like sands through the hourglass
so are the "Days Of Our Lives. "
God, Iris, you taped
your shows over it.
I'm sorry.
Now, ladies,
the rest of the tape...
which is now gone forever...
goes on about starting
that great journey...
which we call the American
Teen Princess Pageant.
So any of you young ladies...
who'd like to start
on that journey...
you just come right down here
and sign up.
And, please, help yourself
to some coffee and bars.
Showtime.
Do you think
most people would say...
that teenage beauty pageants
are a good idea?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I know what some of your
big-city, no-bra-wearin'...
hairy-legged
women libbers might say.
They might say that a pageant...
is old-fashioned
and demeaning to the girls.
What's sick is women
dressing like men.
You betcha, Iris.
No, I think you boys
are going to find something...
a little bit different
here in Mount Rose.
For one thing,
we're all God-fearin' folk.
Every last one of us.
And you will not find a
"back room" in our video store.
No, that filth is better
left to the sin cities.
A.k. a. Minneapolis, St. Paul.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Freda, sure.
She was the oldest
living Lutheran.
Now she's as dead as a doornail.
It's the damn Shriners
who won't take down...
that goddamn sign,
the lazy sons of bitches.
Every year... every damn year,
I tell 'em...
"Take down
the goddamn Freda sign...
"you lazy sons of bitches!"
Today's "to do" list includes
a trip to the Mall of America...
where we are going
to be buying outfits...
for the physical fitness number.
Nothing too showy.
No. You betcha, Iris.
We need that third judge.
Gosh, don't let me forget...
We need to think of a theme.
Gladys, look out!
Gosh darn it.
Hello, Father Dunegan.
Sidewalks? Sidewalks?
Iris, stop it.
It's not his fault.
The communal wine just proves
too tempting for some of them.
That's why we Lutherans
use grape Kool-Aid...
for the blood of Christ.
There's a parking space
over there.
Oh, no.
That's just a compact. Sorry.
You'd think they'd have
the parking lot of America...
to go with the Mall of America.
It's a $200 fine!
I told you I would move the car
if a cripple came.
Now just run in the store
and pick out some outfits.
All right, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
I think I just thought
of the theme.
Oh, what?
"Proud to be an American. "
So, what was the theme
of the pageant last year?
Oh, that was "Buy American. "
And the year before that was...
"U.S.A. Is A-OK!"
And can you remember the theme
of your favorite pageant?
Can I?
"Amer-I Can!"
People ask me where I get this.
I don't know.
A gift from God or something.
Hi.
Just introduce yourself
and tell us why...
you're signing up
for the pageant.
OK. Hi. Hi.
I'm Leslie Miller.
I'm signing up 'cause,
you know...
I always watch
the pageants on TV...
and my boyfriend
thinks I'll win.
For my talent,
I'm going to be doing...
You've been talking
to this guy long enough.
I'm trying to tell him...
Now?
Hi, Pat.
Go Muskies!
Hi. I'm Amber Atkins,
and I'm signing up...
'cause my two favorite people
in the whole world...
competed in pageants...
my mom and Diane Sawyer.
Course, I hope I end up...
a little more like Diane Sawyer
than my mom.
Do you do
any of the embalming?
Oh, my God, no. Oh, God.
I just do the hair and makeup
on the deceased.
I'm lucky I have
an afterschool job...
where I can practice my talent.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Every pageant is special...
but this one
is extra-super-special to me.
When I was seventeen...
I don't know if you know this...
I was crowned Mount Rose's
American Teen Princess...
and this year...
drumroll, please...
my lovely daughter
Rebecca Ann Leeman is competing.
Is this my mark?
Hi. I'm Rebecca Leeman,
and I believe this pageant...
is an important experience
for every young woman.
It...
Well, it teaches you what's
really important in life...
and it has the power
to change you...
in ways you've never dreamed of.
My mom gave me this nine-mill
for my thirteenth birthday.
Yeah. I'll always remember
what she wrote in the card.
"Jesus loves winners. "
That's why no matter what I do,
I aim to win.
Why?
Well, it's kinda like asking...
why all the guys chew
Copenhagen, you know?
If you're seventeen...
and you're not a total fry,
it's just what you do.
Have you decided what
your talent is going to be yet?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I'm gonna sing and dance...
to "New York, New York. "
I just fell in love with
the Big Apple last summer...
when I was visiting
my brother Peter there.
He followed his dream
all the way to New York.
Wait.
Here's Peter as... Liza!
Here's him as Madonna.
As Barbara.
I don't know what
my talent's gonna be yet.
Kenny! Kenny, come.
Come, Kenny.
Oh, Kenny!
Oh, this is Kenny.
Spike, my German shepherd...
he went to live
with a nice family on a farm...
after he attacked me...
but it wasn't his fault,
was it, Kenny? No.
I had beef jerky
in my front pocket.
They remade my belly
with skin from my butt.
I was Mount Rose American
Teen Princess in 1945.
We were at war with the Japs.
Didn't even get to keep
my damn tiara.
I had to turn it in for scrap.
So we adopt Molly three year ago
when we come to America...
to help acclimate us
to American.
To America, Dad.
She all-American girl.
She our Teen American Princess.
Oh, Ma.
English!
Speak English,
you stupid little retard!
So, Molly, tell movie man
what you talent do.
I'll be line dancing.
Country western!
Clint Black, ruff!
Hey, what he got that I not got?
So have you decided what
your talent is going to be...
for the pageant yet?
Yeah. I'll be doing
a dramatic monologue...
and right now
I'm thinking "Othello... "
or "Soylent Green... "
Well, my own version of it.
You know, a lot of girls
make a smooth transition...
from pageants into acting.
Competing for the title...
of Minnesota's American Teen
Princess sure was exciting...
but I never could have won...
without my Saint Paul
pork products.
I've been enjoying Saint Paul
pork products for years.
I grew up right next
to these stockyards.
It's still the same
family-run business...
that Walter and Vera Pularski
started in 1920...
when they raised
and slaughtered their first pig.
I just love
Saint Paul pork products.
In fact, I love 'em so much...
I work here now!
Oh, help yourself.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
My talent will be...
an interpretive...
dance...
while I sign...
"Through the Eyes of Love. "
Yeah. Well, see...
I have a dream...
of spreading sign language...
around the world.
Mom, will you be so kind?
Tammy Curry...
and I'm signing up
for the pageant...
'cause of
the scholarships and all.
This one's for varsity soccer.
I'm captain.
I run track, and right here
I'm the new president...
of the Lutheran
Sisterhood Gun Club.
Love that one.
Would you say...
you have a good chance
to win this pageant?
Yeah. You bet I do.
I mean, maybe other people think
I can't win a beauty pageant...
but other people didn't think
I could beat out...
Becky Leeman for president of
the gun club, either, and I did.
It's just like
Anthony Robbins says...
"I'm a winner.
"Nobody can stop me but me. "
Well, you know, I think
everybody's doing really well...
considering the fact
she was so young.
It's always hard to see
the young ones called home.
Especially
on an exploding thresher.
It's just so odd and gross.
You know, sometimes...
it's hard to understand
God's great plan.
But the show must go on.
I gotta get ahold of Ted...
and ask him if we can use that
barn light as a spot again...
so you watch
the Jell-O salad, OK?
You girls gonna sign up
for the pageant this year?
I ain't gonna be
in no goddamn pageant.
Look what happened
to that dork-ass farm girl.
Tammy Curry?
Yeah. Everyone says
this is a big accident?
She got iced
because she wins everything...
and this time someone
didn't want her to win.
This pageant's
like a Roach Motel.
Girls check in,
but they don't check out.
Yeah, and they say smoking's
bad for your health.
And... tendu, close.
Tendu, close.
Tendu, close, pli.
And repeat.
Tendu...
Suck in the bellies, girls!
And tuck in the tushes!
Close those legs.
You look like a bunch
of bowlegged cows.
Other side!
And tendu, close. Tendu, close.
Tendu, close, pli.
Yeah, you boys
sure picked a good year.
If I was a betting woman...
and there was a line
on this in Vegas...
I'd lay down ten to one
that it all comes down...
to Amber Atkins
and Becky Leeman.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
What a showdown this should be.
If Cain and Abel...
Oh, God!
That's so embarrassing.
My winning the Mount Rose...
American Teen Princess Pageant
really changed my life.
Amber does my hair once a week.
Well, it's the least I can do...
for the reigning Mount Rose
American Teen Princess.
- Oh, God.
- What?
Oh, just a little snarl.
Don't tell.
What? Oh, my God.
Lights, camera, and me
without a stitch of makeup on.
What are you guys doing here?
What are you doing here?
Oh, Amber, like you're
the only one who visits Mary?
Who are you?
"Who are you?"
Oh, Mary, you kill me.
She always says that.
It's a little game
we play every week.
Same dippy little look
on her face.
"Who are you? Who are you?"
Just like that.
It's me... Becky.
And I brought your favorites.
Real nice, Becky.
She's anorexic.
She's skinny, Amber, not deaf.
So, beyond this pageant
you must have certain dreams...
and certain things
you aspire to, yeah?
Yeah, I got dreams.
Sometimes I dream of winning.
I dream of getting out
of Mount Rose...
and being a big-time reporter
like Diane Sawyer.
I mean, guys get out of
Mount Rose all the time...
for hockey scholarships...
or prison.
Yeah, 1963.
Her beauty worked against her...
when she started as a reporter
in Louisville, her hometown.
Those were different times.
That's my mom.
Hey, Amber,
did you get my smokes?
Yeah. I'll get 'em in a sec.
Aw, shit.
They're from Los Angeles.
They wanted to see my room
and film me for their movie.
Yeah, well, if they ask you
to take your top off...
get the money first.
And go get my smokes!
Hey, hey, you like it?
- Open it.
- This?
Yeah, the globe.
Go on,
pull on the North Pole there.
Here, watch.
Honey, this isn't a showroom.
See, this holds three
full-size booze bottles.
Tape cassette
comes out of Afghanistan.
All right, all right.
How quickly they forget
where this all comes from.
Taiwan.
That's enough, young lady.
I beg your pardon.
Would you like a drink?
Impartial?
When I'm outside these walls,
I am Gladys Leeman...
president Civil Servettes,
impartial as the day is long.
But I'm in my house now,
and I gotta warn you...
I'm wearing my wife apron
and my mom hat...
so I can safely say
that I am the mother...
of the most talented contestant
Mount Rose has ever had.
Oh, gosh, she's been
singing and dancing...
since she was knee-high
to a pig's eye.
Yeah, she's damn
near as good as...
you know, that little...
that black fellow...
the one with the glass eye...
the Candy Man...
- Sammy Davis, Jr.
- Yeah, the Jew.
Nice one, Dad. He's dead.
Yeah. Then we have
the Judges Interview.
Where each girl has a little
ten-minute get-together...
with the judges
prior to the pageant.
Then we have the...
Hello, Tony.
Hey to the folks.
Yeah, all right.
Gladys, the Judges Interview.
So you've judged a lot
of pageants over the years?
No. No. No way. No.
Never judged a pageant
before in my life.
No way.
Never been around young girls.
I mean, even if I was...
I mean, why would I want
to be, you know?
I don't get off
on that kind of thing.
That's really
why you're asking, right?
Someone say something?
Do you judge the pageant
every year?
No. I've never judged
nothin' before.
Harold, are we on "Cops"?
Are we on "Cops," Harold?
Shut up, Hank.
This here's business.
Harold,
Mom said not in the head!
Well, Mom's dead,
so shut your flytrap.
I will if you shut your piehole.
Don't make me...
Don't make me kick you
where the good Lord...
Don't make me
split you where you...
Come on!
You want some of this!
So, are you excited?
Oh, you bet.
We're happier than the day
Hankie got acquitted.
I get made a judge, then
the furniture store hires us...
to paint the whole damn thing.
We're going to use the money...
to get our mom
a proper headstone...
and to move her out
to the cemetery.
Listen, guys,
if you see anything you like...
you just let me know because
I happen to know the owner.
So, here we are.
My place of business,
my little house of worship...
the world's largest
Conestoga wagon.
Right here, we have
a very attractive unit.
Farmers like that one.
OK, showtime.
Hey, Tim, Carla, listen...
you two don't Jew me down
too much on that dinette...
I'll throw in a hutch
for free, OK?
See, that's my specialty.
You don't pay less,
I give you more.
The secret is... the hutch
is included in the price.
Ain't that right, Jean?
Take a memo, sweetheart.
Five, six, seven... and one...
Get that tempo right.
Kick it!
Come on, kick it!
Just watching the young girls.
Contestants. You know...
like the rest of my friends
and neighbors.
Are you getting her?
The third one, the blond one.
Leave him alone. It's OK.
It's just a camera I keep
in the glove compartment...
for... car accidents.
Insurance.
I mean, you guys got a camera...
and no one's accusing you
of anything, right?
So, Brett, you want to go
to the lake with me on Thursday?
Actually,
I got practice on Thursday.
Well, maybe Friday then.
A bunch of us
were going cow tipping.
Well...
I'm kind of busy on Friday.
Give her your tray, Brett.
You're holding up the line.
Give it to her.
Here, I'll take it.
It's my job.
No. It's all right.
Don't worry about it.
Well, you're supposed
to put it in the...
Aw, man.
You got some lutefisk
in your hair.
Then it must be Wednesday.
Lutefisk is codfish
that's been salted...
and soaked in lye
for a week or so.
It's best with lots of butter.
I'm not really busy on Friday.
I was just saying that,
you know?
I know.
Well...
if you wanted to do something...
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. You bet.
Oh, crap.
I probably gotta work
at the funeral home.
We're real busy
this time of year.
Hunting season.
Well, I'm cutting out of here
early today...
and doing
a little duck hunting...
but maybe I could
call you tonight?
Yeah, sure.
- All right.
- Fine.
Oh, God.
You don't think Becky
saw you guys, do you?
Look, you shouldn't be in here.
Doreen gave us hair nets.
No, listen.
We shouldn't talk here.
Stop by my house tonight, OK?
Go.
They take out her butt?
Oh, Jesus H. Christ.
Oh, are we on "Cops" again?
OK, be quiet.
It's just the guys
that are, you know...
making the movie
about the pageant.
I told you all about 'em.
This here's Loretta.
I tell Annette, you talk to me
during my stories...
you might as well
be talking to the wall.
You guys want a beer?
No, thank you. Is Amber here?
Oh, no. You just missed her.
She got called down
to the bone gardens.
She's in a hell of a mood today.
Say, you boys been
to the Leemans'?
Shut it, Loretta.
If so, you got all the pictures
of the winner you need.
- Shut it.
- It's true.
Let's just say who should win,
who deserves to win is Amber.
Why don't you just paint
a target on your ass?
Best damn tapper,
the most smartest.
Most smartest?
Oh, that's great.
You're real educated.
"Most smartest. "
Get a picture of that.
Most smartest.
I'm cutting you off
and sending you home.
Excuse me, but I'm bragging up
your kid here.
I know. Come on, let's go.
Amber's gonna be the next
Diane Sawyer, you know.
They're making a movie here.
All right,
they're making a movie.
What makes you think
that Becky's going to win?
Why do I think Becky'll win?
You're talking... Don't pinch.
You're talking about the richest
family in a small town.
It's front-page news
when one of 'em takes a shit.
Oh, great.
Can one of you boys
give me a ride home?
Don't fall for it.
She lives two trailers down.
So? Be real easy.
Go on home, Loretta.
Go on. The party's over.
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ on a cross!
Look, number one rule
in a funeral home...
Never sneak up on the living.
You never know who could
have an embalming needle...
or a skull saw in their hand.
Mr. Larson's son
learned the hard way.
He's buried next to my grandpa.
Are you upset about Brett?
Upset about Brett?
Nah. Hazard of the trade.
I don't really have time
for guys anyways.
It's weird, though.
He took it
right between the eyes.
Don't often see that.
So, you know,
Brett just got shot in the head.
He did?
Well, hunting's dangerous.
So, anyways, my mom gave me
this thirty-aught...
for my sixteenth birthday.
I need Stella now.
The family's steaming
like a cow pie in July.
Said she doesn't look nothin'
like the picture they gave you.
Sorry. I just thought she might
not want to meet her maker...
looking like a cheap whore.
Well, this cheap whore
is that family's loving mother.
The Clemens
said to make him look...
like he just came in
from snowmobiling.
Pink cheeks and...
Red nose and ears.
I know, I know.
Sorry I couldn't talk to you
before in the cafeteria.
I was scared, OK?
I open my locker today
after first period...
and there's a picture
of Tammy Curry taped inside.
This was written on the back:
Oh, yeah,
hell of a way to go, there.
After some thorough
investigating...
we determined
that the Curry girl...
must have been smoking
and driving.
Well, yeah, Tammy liked
to drive her dad's thresher...
but, I mean...
She said the heavy vibration
helped her think.
But I know for a fact Tammy
only smoked after a good drive.
You ask me or anyone else who
isn't scared to talk about it...
Tammy was murdered.
I bet Diane Sawyer never had
to deal with crap like this.
If it's another stray bullet
to the head...
I'm gonna need more caps.
You have to go home.
There's some kind of emergency
at the trailer park.
Relax. That's my ma's code...
for bring home milk
and a carton of Lucky...
No. Loretta called.
There's been a fire.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey! Family?
No, she's just screaming "Mom"
because she's got Turret's.
She's Annette's kid, dipshit.
She's alive, sweetie.
She's right over there.
I'll be right behind you
in the hearse, OK?
Don't let that worry you,
Annette!
So, Doctor, is this sort
of an unusual injury?
This was a doozie.
Right now our chief concern
is to stabilize Annette here...
and then in surgery...
remove this.
Oh, God.
Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.
Ruined a brand-new pair
of Lee Press-Ons.
Well, I sat down to have a beer,
and kablooey.
Next thing I know...
something blows
through my kitchen window...
and I'm ass-up
in somebody's flower bed.
Hey, ass-wipe, quit dicking
around with the camera.
Just put another book under it.
Dude, don't say "ass-wipe. "
Mom's got the window open.
We gotta hurry up, though...
because we only got three
frickin' minutes on the battery.
All right, ready.
One, two...
One, two, three!
Shit!
Let's get out of here!
I shoved your tap shoes
in my panties...
before I was blown
out of the house.
You go find the guy
who cut 'em off.
He'll give 'em to you...
so you can practice
for the pageant.
About that...
I... Oh, my God!
Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
She's pregnant!
Oh, Amber, wait!
Come back here.
Mommy wants to talk to you.
And then kill you!
Why don't you see
if there's any more beer...
left in that can
and relax a bit?
- I'm quitting the pageant.
- You're what?
I'm quitting the pageant.
I was just trying to scare you
into changing your mind.
Christ, the woman clung
to your tap shoes...
while flying through the air
like a goddamn lawn dart.
I know, I know.
Hey, Little Miss Sad Pants
and her friend Serious Sally.
How about
some nice cool mints...
to turn those frowns
upside down?
Do you think a nice cool mint
would help...
if I shoved your head
up your ass?
So what do I say?
Simple, just say...
I know you sacrificed
everything...
relationships, dreams...
your tummy, ass, and thighs...
all to bring me
into this world...
all so I could have tap lessons
and be in the pageant...
the same one you were in,
but you know what?
I'm quitting.
There. Easy as pie.
Oh, my God. I am so dead.
Yeah, you betcha.
Go on, get out!
Next one in here without a pack
of Luckys in her hand dies!
Yeah, sure.
You have a super day, too.
Get out!
Mom, look. Don't talk.
First of all,
I'm not pregnant, OK?
I am not letting go
until you tell me what's up.
Amber, I am reaching a point
where I would kill someone...
for the nicotine
under their fingernails.
You hear me, Loretta?
OK, OK...
yesterday I got this picture...
so I'm thinking about...
you know...
I'm gonna quit the pageant.
What?
Oh, excuse us, guys.
Would you excuse us
for a moment?
Loretta, get out of here!
Go on, get out.
What's your problem?
What's my problem?
Sit your skinny little ass down.
Nice, Ma. Real nice.
Nice mouth you got there...
but I'm not going
through this again.
You? You're not
going through it again?
You're not the one that knows
how Jiffy Pop feels, missy.
Oh, come on, Mom.
First the picture of Tammy, then
Brett Clemmens, and now this?
It's scary.
Scary?
Let me tell you scary.
Look here. Look at me.
You want to look
like you've been rode hard...
and put away wet
when you're my age?
I'm a lifer here.
Best thing
I got to look forward to...
is to end up
in some decent raisin ranch...
where they change me
twice a day.
Honest to God, honey.
If I had it to do over...
I'd start walking
out of this town...
the minute I could take
my first step.
You know, practically...
the only thing I wouldn't do
different is have you.
God, I hope that's you
and not your concussion talking.
It's me.
I just don't want this to be
the thing that you do over.
Now, this pageant's
your ticket out of here...
and I know you can win.
Come here.
Oh, I love you much.
I love you much.
And you're gonna win.
She's gonna win.
Isn't she gonna win, Loretta?
You bet.
You'll see.
Hell no, she ain't quitting.
No. Mom said if I did...
she'd look up my dad
and marry him.
So, has your mom
kept your dad's life a secret?
No, she never hid the fact...
that my dad
picked his career over us.
What did she used to say?
Once a carny, always a carny.
Mom still cries
when she sees a tilt-a-whirl...
or a fat lady in a tube top.
The Atkins fire.
Foul play? Shit, no.
After some extensive
investigating...
we determined that it must
have been bad wiring.
Bad wiring?
That's the biggest
crock of shit I ever heard.
What, they have a sale
on dull needles at K-Mart?
I just need one more do-over.
Now, we need to remember the
three most important parts...
to give a really good
interview...
Listen up, number one.
Number one.
American Teen Princesses...
do not cross their legs
like streetwalkers.
Excuse me,
"Miss Penthouse '98... "
put your knees together.
I could drive
a boat show in there.
Ankles together.
Hands resting
lightly on your laps.
Good.
Sit up straight. Smile.
All right, number two.
The judges are just
as nervous as you are.
So, are you about ready...
to start the judging,
start the interview there?
I guess I could answer that.
Yeah, we're ready.
So we should probably get
the young girls in here, then.
You know,
to start the interviews.
If you could be any tree
in the woods...
what kind of tree would you be?
Dogwood.
Bonsai.
Green?
I can be any kind
of tree you want.
Just give me a minute
to warm up.
One with strong roots in
a community like Mount Rose...
a solid Christian trunk...
and long leafy branches
to provide shade...
for handicapped kids
on a hot summer day.
You guys know
the retard's pants are open?
I don't want to see that.
Who would you pick to be
the president, dead or alive?
Emperor Hirohito.
Brett Favre.
My mother, 'cause she could
solve world hunger...
with one of her blue-ribbon
rhubarb pies...
create world peace
with one of her prayers...
and still find time
to look beautiful...
for my dad, Lester Leeman.
Do you like to swim?
Yeah, I love to swim.
When I was in New York,
I met Greg Louganis...
at one of my brother's shows.
The tard's pants
are completely off.
Close up shop.
Are you Amber Atkins?
Yes, yes, I am. Hello.
Name and spell
all the United States...
in alphabetical order.
Seriously?
Well...
Alabama.
A- I-a-b-a-m-a.
Alaska.
A- I-a-s-k-a.
Arizona.
A- r-i-z-o-n-a.
West Virginia.
W- e-s-t V-i-r-g-i-n-i-a.
Wisconsin.
W- i-s-c-o-n-s-i-n.
Wyoming.
W- y-o-m-i-n-g.
Well, OK.
With two weeks until
the pageant...
I was practicing my talent,
finishing my costume...
brushing up on current events...
and running eighteen miles a day
on about four hundred calories.
I was ready.
Girls, couple of things.
All right, very important.
Gladys wants us to all go
in show order today.
All right, so very important,
don't forget that.
Oh, yeah, really nervous.
It's been about two months.
I haven't told my boyfriend yet.
How did you know?
I meant nervous
about the pageant.
Oh, nervous about the pageant.
There are eight thousand
sequins...
and fifteen hundred beads
on the skirt alone.
My mom had Mrs. Lopez make it.
She's one of my father's
many Mexican workers.
He lifts them from the poverty
they know in Mexico.
Yeah, all my mom's clothes
melted onto mine.
Forming, like, this big
polyester meteor in our closet.
But in some kind
of weird miracle...
our neighbor boy Kenny Hansen...
found my tap costume
on the roof of their trailer...
while he was setting
coon traps for his dad.
Here's the weird part.
It was still on the hanger.
This is my lucky bolt.
They think that it fell
from a DC-10.
The doctor said I was really
lucky the flat side hit me.
'Cause otherwise it could have
gone right through my head.
I know, I know.
Gives me the willies, too.
Can we switch numbers?
My cousin just had a deaf baby,
and I get to go see it.
I need to go first.
Yeah, sure.
It's my lucky number anyway.
Diane Sawyer has number eight
at her local.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
I can see what's mine now
Finding out what's true
Since I found you
Looking through the eyes
Of...
I'm gonna be honest.
This is a hard time for me...
because this is the time
in the pageant...
when you realize
that tomorrow night...
all but one of these girls
is gonna walk away a loser.
To be
It's just really hard...
for me to know
what that would feel like.
It can't feel good.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Don't touch her.
Don't move the body.
Don't touch the body.
She could be paralyzed
from the neck down...
and you wouldn't know it.
Someone call nine-one-one.
Don't say anything...
'cause it might be
a hypnotic suggestion.
Don't you get it?
I was supposed to go first.
I was contestant number one.
That light was meant
for my head.
If Jenelle hadn't
wanted to go first...
I owe my life
to that deaf baby.
Hey, that was your mom.
She wanted you to have this.
Really, Loretta?
You bet.
My mom wanted me to have this?
Oh, shut up.
I thought it might help you
get some sleep.
Loretta, never have kids.
Well, God love you
for thinking I still could.
Your ma did want you
to have this, though...
since your other one
got toasted.
It's just like Diane Sawyer's!
Of course, it's not a size ten.
Diane was a little hippy then.
- Not our girl.
- Oh, no.
Pain meds.
Hope this thing ends
before they do.
We have excitement.
Big excitement.
Go, Molly!
Go.
Leslie Miller
kicks Teen Princess ass!
Whoo! Go, Muskies!
Oh, gotta go.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, my.
Is that for me or my gown?
Welcome to the Mount Rose
American Teen Princess Pageant.
While every contestant...
you'll meet here tonight
is special and unique...
they all have
one thing in common.
They are all proud
to be an American.
I chose Mount Rushmore...
because to live in a country...
where you can take
an ugly old mountain...
and put faces on it,
faces of great Americans...
who did so much to make
our country super great...
well, that makes me,
Rebecca Leeman...
proud to be an American.
I'm Lisa Swenson, and I am proud
to be an American...
because living in a country
where Lady Liberty...
always keeps her flame
burning bright...
She always keeps her flame
burning bright.
It makes me proud
to be an American.
God.
The Washington Monument...
Oh, yeah, baby!
Makes me...
Leslie Miller,
proud to be an American.
Living in a country
where no matter who you are...
or where you come from,
you can grow up...
and become what you've always
dreamed of makes me...
Amber Atkins,
proud to be an American.
Atomic power makes me,
Molly Howard...
proud to be an Asian-American.
My uncle Phil's world's-largest
ball of twine...
in Bundy, Minnesota...
it makes me proud I'm American.
I kind of misunderstood
the assignment.
A couple of notes from
yesterday's dress rehearsal.
Gladys says a couple of youse...
are getting sexy
with your hips...
during the physical
fitness routine.
Oh, my God,
my tap costume's gone.
Amber, we are not putting on
our talent costume.
You need to put on
your physical fitness outfit.
Let's shake a leg, ladies!
It was here
before the opening number.
Wait.
What am I saying?
I should just ask you, Becky.
Where is it?
What?
You heard me. Where is it?
If you're getting at something,
you'd better just say it.
I just did.
Well, then you'd better be
willing to back it up...
because you're talking crazy.
You bring me on some
of that snotty attitude.
Bring it on!
Well, as my mother says
at Sunday dinner...
come and get it!
I'll get it!
I might even take seconds!
If you want seconds,
I'll make sure you get them!
Give me your stringy ass!
I think that you guys
should leave.
The girls are changing.
I think you should leave.
All right, let's go.
- I hate her!
- We all do. Let's go.
Let's give a big round
of applause...
for last year's
American Teen Princess...
in her farewell performance.
Who could ever forget
her lip-synching...
to "Don't Cry Out Loud"
by Melissa Manchester?
And here she is...
Mary Johanson.
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside
And learn how to hide
your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall
Remember you almost
Had it all
All right, why don't we pick up
the stepladders...
for the physical fitness number?
There we go.
They're wet.
What?
My hands are stuck.
I'm kind of dizzy
from the fumes.
You know what, girls?
Keep them away from you so
they don't get on the outfits.
There we go.
Let's form a line.
What kind of a mental retard...
paints stepladders
right before a pageant?
I'm the judge!
Back, you cuddly retard.
Go, Hank!
It's OK.
My dress is fine.
All right, so...
our other judges are...
Jean Kangas...
and John Dough...
Opening number looked good...
solid, but now you're going
to have to actually dance.
So, here, put a dab of this
on the old choppers, ladies.
It'll help you smile...
and when they're looking
at your teeth, God willing...
they won't be looking
at your feet.
Hurry up.
OK, I think we all got some.
Just take it off.
Here, I didn't...
I think it went really well.
Don't go in the bathroom.
Tess blew chunks all over.
She ate a really large dinner.
Maybe she should've
shoved that lucky bolt...
down her throat for dessert.
And the winner
of the spirit award goes to...
I'd like to take you back
seventeen years...
when a peanut farmer
was in the White House...
a group of boys
calling themselves Queen...
topped the record charts...
and Gladys Leeman
was Gladys Wood...
and she was Mount Rose
American Teen Princess.
Thank you very much.
You know, seventeen years ago,
I won the talent contest...
by sewing...
these culottes...
Butterick pattern
seven-four-three-two.
And can you believe it?
They still fit.
She had a big ass then,
she's got a big ass now.
Our next contestant is ready,
so let's welcome her...
Tess Weinhaus.
Yeah, it's just gone.
I mean...
I just wanna tap, you know?
I'm not saying I'm the best
or that I'd even win, but...
shouldn't I at least
get a chance to compete?
The beagle is known
for its howl.
I just wanted my mom
to see me dance.
Amber, Amber, come here.
Please. I got so much Vaseline
on my teeth...
I'm going to be smiling
for a year.
No. Here.
It's nothing special...
but talent like yours doesn't
need to hide behind sequins.
Oh, Miss K.
Oh, look.
But none can compare
to the greatest bark of all...
the German shepherd.
Aw, hell, go out there
and kick some Leeman ass.
Not so hard, sweetie.
I heard something snap.
Roll him over!
Lay him flat!
Pin his shoulders!
To the mat!
Roll him over! Lay him flat!
Pin their shoulders
to the mat!
Go...
Muskies! Yeah!
Fade in.
The year... 2024.
Planet... Earth.
The question
on everyone's mind?
What is...
Soylent Green?
Mrs. Clark, why are you
doing this to me?
Why are you pretending
you don't know what's going on?
Amber, I'm sorry. I really am.
But you know the rules.
All talent costumes
have to be OK'd...
by Gladys before the pageant.
But doesn't someone
taking your costume...
so you can't compete
overrule that rule?
Amber, I'm sorry.
I don't make up the rules.
Oh, this...
this is bullshit!
Amber Atkins, that is not
American Teen Princess language.
Good, because this isn't an
American Teen Princess Pageant.
This is... this is...
this is Nazi Germany!
Where do they get this stuff?
I'm wearing this tap costume.
I'm going to do
my talent tonight.
Oh, really?
I don't think so.
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news...
but you know the rules state
that a costume has to be OK'd...
at least a week in advance.
I couldn't let you go out there
in that skimpy little thing.
We've got kids in the audience.
I hope you understand.
But you... I mean...
It's not my fault. Please.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I know the truth, that's why.
I must say...
Soylent Green...
is people!
Now, that's my cue.
I just wanted to compete.
I can't believe
this is happening.
I can't believe she said...
Here.
Here? What?
My jacket.
Take it, because I got
my costume OK'd a month ago...
before the pageant.
You can wear it.
Put it on.
Oh, wow.
Lisa, I don't think
you should do this.
They're never going to let you
perform naked. I asked.
Shut up, you guys.
Listen, Amber...
I'm not going to win.
And let's be honest, the family
only needs one Liza...
and Peter's got
much better legs than me, OK?
Your parents will kill you.
Ah, come on.
I love them...
but they only had me because
Peter needed that kidney.
Thank you.
Now...
it is with overwhelming pride...
that I introduce to you
contestant number six...
who is also the president of her
class two years running...
an honor roll student,
and the new president...
of the Lutheran Sisterhood
Gun Club.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Rebecca Ann Leeman!
You know what?
The rumors are true.
I do have a special fella
in my life...
and if nobody minds...
I'd like to sing a little song
just for him.
You're just too good
To be true
Can't take my eyes
Off of you
Bullshit.
You'd be like heaven
To touch
I wanna hold you
So much
At long last
Love has arrived
And I thank God
I'm alive
You're just too good
To be true
Can't take my eyes
Off of you
I love you, baby
And if it's quite all right
I need you, baby
To warm the lonely night
I love you, baby
Trust in me when I say
Lisa, come on, you're next.
Nah, I quit.
And since my costume was OK'd
a month ago...
I'm giving it to Amber.
Let me love you, baby
Let me love you
Oh, boy,
I'd hate to follow that act.
The voice of an angel, that one.
I have just been notified
that contestant number seven...
Lisa Swenson has dropped out
of the pageant.
I know,
but these things happen...
and we still have one more
contestant... number eight.
Amber Atkins.
Thank you.
Well...
The time has finally come...
where we say good-bye
to the judges...
so that they can go off and make
the toughest decision...
of their lives.
So, who gets the crown?
How are you going
to figure this all out?
Well, you know, we'll...
compare scores
and figure out a winner...
because, I mean, we don't know
who the winner is yet.
I mean, I have no idea
who Jean picked...
or Harold.
- No.
- No idea.
I know who the winner is.
I know who the winner...
Harold.
I know who the winner is.
That's it.
You shut your goddamn mouth,
you goddamn retard!
I've had your shit
for two weeks now!
Come on.
Back off, college boy!
Now listen!
Hank can't help it if he's born
crazier than a shit-house rat!
For fuck's sake, why didn't you
leave him with a sitter?
Nice, John.
That's real nice.
You know the baby-sitter's dead.
So...
Anyone talk to Jenelle lately?
Oh, yeah. I brought her
some flowers this morning.
Yeah. She's in the room
next to my mom.
Oh, she's super happy.
She's happy?
Oh, the blow to her head
made her deaf.
Oh, God.
- Isn't that great?
- Oh, that's great.
She's so happy.
Jesus Christ!
What are they doing, letting
the retard count the votes?
Ladies, it's time.
Welcome back, everybody...
and judges.
Oh, gosh.
We are so darn close
to that moment...
we have all been waiting for.
And now, our second runner-up...
and winner
of a fifty-dollar scholarship...
for the vo-tech
of her choice is...
Leslie Miller.
You rule, Leslie!
Envelope, please.
Our next prize, a seventy-five-
dollar scholarship...
will be awarded
to the first runner-up.
The first runner-up is...
Amber Atkins.
And now, finally the moment...
that I know
I've been waiting for.
With a scholarship
of five hundred dollars...
courtesy Leeman Furniture,
and an all-expense-paid trip...
next weekend, when she will be
competing for the title...
of Sarah Rose Cosmetics...
Minnesota
American Teen Princess...
Our new...
Mount Rose
American Teen Princess is...
contestant number...
You know what?
It's my daughter...
Rebecca Ann Leeman!
Oh, thank you so much.
Bitch.
Here she is
Our Mount Rose
American Teen Princess
Look at her
Doesn't she look fine?
Our heart swells big
As we look at her
Our Mount Rose
American Teen Princess
One, two, three.
- You got her there?
- Yeah, I got her.
We was robbed. We was robbed.
It's OK. They're just
giving her a ride back.
She almost blew out of Loretta's
pickup on the way over.
Thank God for bungee cords.
I got second runner-up.
I got second place.
- Third.
- Huh?
- Third.
- Bye.
Are you disappointed
about not winning?
Yeah, well, no.
At least I got to compete,
and my mom got to see me dance.
I guess number eight
only worked for Diane Sawyer.
Oh, stop.
Let's go home.
I'll let you drive.
I hope it was worth it.
No, Dad, it was worth it.
Amber should've won.
I tell you one thing...
Peter never would've pulled
a shenanigan like that.
Well, you know what, Dad?
You know what? Peter's gay.
Gay!
What?
So, Becky, how does it feel?
Oh, well...
I mean,
it's all happening so fast.
I'm so excited.
I mean, I won.
I'm the winner,
and I'm going to state.
She's the winner,
and we're going to state.
What a surprise.
Gladys Leeman's finally
going to go to state...
and she'll probably
ride on Becky's ass...
all the way to nationals, too.
Wonder how she's going
to fix that one.
Are you ladies going
to the parade?
Nah. I think I'm, like,
due or something.
Beautiful as a whore's ass
today, huh, boys?
Do you need help
with the cooler?
See, Gladys had me get that
special-made from Mexico...
in case Becky won.
You know, I do a lot
of business down there...
always offer
to pay them off in tacos.
Oh, they love that.
Keep on moving through.
Let's get this straight
right now.
We wouldn't have been
late at all if not for you.
I want to have the big bag
of little doughnuts.
You get nothing, Hank.
I want to eat a big bag
of little doughnuts.
There's your paint can.
The next time you drink
window cleaner...
I'm just going to
leave it in you.
My pants are...
You rule!
Rebecca Ann Leeman.
You are the one
that wanted this.
Now get up there.
I don't care if you have to ride
this thing sidesaddle.
Get up there.
It smells funny... like gasoline.
Everything smells
like that in Mexico.
My dress will reek, Mother.
You listen to me now, missy.
This thing cost your dad
a pretty penny...
so you get your ass up there.
And show me some teeth.
Love you, baby.
You rule!
Stop it!
You are a bad kid!
You rule!
If I die from these fumes...
you'll make sure and cover up
the hickeys on my neck?
And the bite marks on my ears.
Yeah, sure.
And I know it won't show,
but on my inner thighs...
Yes, Leslie, OK.
Help!
OK, I designed the float.
And what's going to happen here
is that this is going to look...
like a glistening lake
beneath the swan.
We need more bars.
This is... What?
Enid ate a whole pan.
She can't do anything
by herself.
This is exactly
how I pictured it...
Choking on swan gas.
Oh, great.
Oh, my God.
Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
Oh, my God.
Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
Oh, my baby!
Oh, my God!
The swan ate my baby!
Becky, baby, get up!
We got to go to state!
Gladys, let her go.
No. She's not getting up.
We got to...
Get off of me, you cow!
What are you looking at, huh?
A whole goddamned town
full of losers...
that's what I'm looking at!
And you...
You piece of shit trailer trash!
That should've been you
in there!
Damn it, I should've killed you
when I had a chance...
just like your little friend!
Tammy was one crispy critter
up on that thresher!
Ding! Fries are up!
Stop it! Stop it!
Take it easy.
Let go of me!
Oh, my God, it's "Cops. "
He sells reproductions!
His furniture's as fake
as my orgasms.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey. What's up, Scott?
You remember Bruce, right?
Bruce, that's Roy.
Roy, Bruce.
And that's why, dear Lord,
it's with such great sorrow...
we turn over to you
this young woman...
whose dream of riding
on a giant swan...
has brought about
her untimely death.
Maybe it's your way
of telling us to buy American.
That's right.
As acting president...
of the Mount Rose
Civil Servettes...
it is my duty...
to make you Mount Rose
American Teen Princess.
Turn around for the picture.
You look good.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know.
I didn't wanna win like this.
You stop right there.
You are a good person.
Good things happen
to good people.
Really?
No, it's pure bullshit, sweetie.
You're lucky as hell,
so you might as well enjoy it.
Let's get you a root-beer float.
You guys want some shots?
I'm buying.
I never liked her,
but she didn't deserve...
to die in the belly
of a swan like that.
The whole thing's just kinda
sad and lame at the same time.
This came for you, sweetie.
Hi, guys.
It's from the state!
Yeah. Open it up.
It's all the stuff I get to do.
OK, let's see.
We get a personal consultation
with a makeup artist.
Oh, there'll be
a choreographer to the stars.
- Choreographer.
- The stars.
Oh, my God.
No way. Oh, my God.
For Christ's sakes,
spit it out, Amber.
We'll be staying overnight at...
the Airport Howard Johnson!
Right by the airport!
Oh, Amber!
God, that's so great!
Oh, crap. I only got
four weeks to practice.
Let's go, let's go!
Right now!
I'm gonna call your mom.
All right, say, "airport hotel. "
Airport hotel!
Coffee and doughnuts.
Yeah, why don't you
take a picture?
It lasts longer.
Loretta, don't do that.
All right. I'm sorry.
They're just staring.
I gotta work with these girls.
OK, I'm sorry.
And you are...
Mount Rose
American Teen Princess.
Funny, you don't look dead.
- OK, ladies!
- Girls, come on.
Ladies, listen up.
I'm Colleen Douglas.
And this raven beauty
on my right is Terry Macy.
Hi there.
And we're your Minnesota
American Teen Princess...
state board.
That's right.
We're also the cofounders of
the Minnesota Modeling Academy.
Yep. And you can get
your applications...
over here at the tiki bar...
and we will wave the
fifty-dollar application fee...
if you list a friend
and put down her address.
So...
you're cute.
Oh, I see you're married.
If you catch this in your mouth,
I'll give you a present.
All right? Open wide.
Oh, God, you got that
on the first try.
Come here.
Oh, you are cute.
OK, due to budgetary
cutbacks...
And the fact...
that the national didn't
cough up a goddamn nickel...
You won't be staying overnight.
So everybody pay attention.
You've got about eight hours
till showtime.
Remember to count, ladies.
Cross on the left
and arms up on eight.
On the beat, on the beat,
on the beat!
Keep on. Keep moving it.
Come on, Miss Forest Lake...
take that stick out of your ass
or I will!
All right. Very nice.
Now come on.
Mom's out here in the front row.
Come on. Sell it!
That's very nice.
Remember, figure eights, ladies.
I can sum up our entire
philosophy with this glass.
I can look at it and see...
it's half full.
Which in the beauty pageant biz
means...
"Where the hell is my waiter?!"
- Marco!
- Polo!
Stop with the friggin' Marco
Polo, or I'll come over there...
and rip your
fat little heads off!
Miss Burnsville,
you're up next.
I have a little
secret weapon of my own.
Don't tell anyone.
Oh, I don't eat shellfish.
Ma always says,
"Don't eat anything...
"that can carry its house
around with it.
"Who knows the last time
it's been cleaned?"
I've done
about thirty-five pageants.
I guess my most memorable one...
would have to be
Miss Teen America 1995...
'cause it was in Vegas.
And my roommate did Adam West.
She said he was so horny.
Oh, my God.
I should just go home now.
OK, real good.
One suggestion, sweetie.
Why don't you hike up your skirt
a little bit then, OK?
Next!
Oh, my God.
I gotta go!
You better do something
about those nerves, sweetie.
Thirty million people
aren't gonna wait for you...
while you run to the john.
That's true.
Will somebody
get a mop and a bucket?
Today, a beauty pageant
turned ugly.
Did I win?
Honey, if I was a good lover...
Oh, for crap sake.
A salmonella dysentery
outbreak...
now traced to improperly
refrigerated shellfish...
was believed to be the cause.
Oh, my God.
Do you think they heard us?
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Call an ambulance!
An ambulance?
Call a priest,
for Christ's sake!
Joining us now
is David Richardson...
a member of a documentary crew
filming the pageant.
He was there
when tragedy struck.
Fuckin' beauty queens
blowin' chunks everywhere.
I've never seen anything
like it before, and...
I live in L.A.
Oh, hey, Ed.
That's our sound guy.
Could you tell us anything
about the controversy?
Is there a controversy here?
Has there been sabotage?
Wait a minute.
While we haven't
ruled out sabotage...
from neighboring
state pageants...
Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota.
Yeah, that's right.
Ohio.
That bitch from Wisconsin.
All right then.
The important thing
is we have a winner!
- Yes, we do.
- OK.
The Minnesota Modeling Academy
is proud to present...
Along with Sarah Rose
Cosmetics...
Amber Atkins...
The new Minnesota
American Teen Princess!
That's Amber Atkins.
That's right.
From Mount Rose.
Amber, how do you feel?
Well, I...
I feel like I need
to take a shower.
Honey, is this the best day
of your life?
Yeah. I wish
my mom was here, though.
Wave hi to her.
Hi, Mom.
Hey, you hear that?
Hi, monkey.
I got some.
Uh-huh. No, no. Gosh, no.
You know, I still don't
want to be on camera.
I just wanna say...
that little bitch
better watch her back...
at the nationals...
'cause I am making friends
on the inside.
Yeah. Darn good friends.
Friends who have friends
on the outside.
Get your sweet ass
off the phone, Cinnamon.
Gotta go.
Oh, yeah.
I just can't believe it.
I'm Minnesota's
American Teen Princess.
Our baby's going to nationals.
Lincoln, Alabama, look out!
I'm gonna be on TV
just like Diane Sawyer.
Annette, just use your hand.
They told me to practice.
I did it.
OK. Ready?
Here's the signal I'm gonna give
Mom when I'm on TV.
My little Carol Burnett.
Here she is...
Minnesota's
American Teen Princess...
and soon to be...
the next America's
American Teen Princess...
our little Amber.
So after Frank
dusts the crops...
he's taking her
to Lincoln, Alabama.
Come on out...
you little blond piece
of trailer-park trash!
We're here in the sixth hour
of a shootout between...
This is Amber Atkins...
reporting live from
the Food Shack for KRLH News.
One of our reporters
has just been shot.
Paramedics are working on her
right now...
I'm Peter Atchison.
And I'm Amber Atkins.
For WAZB News, good night.