One Antares
Two Capella
Three Canopus
Four Arcturus
Five Agreetor
Six Anektor
Seven Duendin
Eight Algerib
Nine Agena
Ten Lalandry
Eleven Vega
Twelve Golubin
Thirteen Spirro
Fourteen Capra
Fifteen Acrab
Sixteen Deneb
Seventeen Sapho
Eighteen Castor
Nineteen Pollux
Twenty Storcha
Twenty-one Algano
Twenty-two Spira
Twenty-three Salcis
Twenty-four Hoytan
Twenty-five Luper
Twenty-six MacKay
Twenty-seven Regulus
Twenty-eight Eiridani
Twenty-nine Tenna
Thirty Riga
Thirty-one Cursa
Thirty-two Thuba
Thirty-three Mett
Thirty-four Mack
Thirty-five Mez
Thirty-six Lap
Thirty-seven Zed
Thirty-eight Diss
Thirty-nine Bolse
Forty Daron
Forty-one Jeannus
Forty-two Touros
Forty-three Plin
Forty-four Paul
Forty-five Broma
Forty-six Branca
Forty-seven Bellatrix
Forty-eight Mirach
Forty-nine Almach
Fifty Caff
Fifty-one Corboda
Fifty-two Ceti
Fifty-three Cruzer
Fifty-four Spira
Fifty-five Schredder
Fifty-six Abiera
Fifty-seven Dipda
Fifty-eight Kracklite
Fifty-nine Salcis
Sixty Okkra
Sixty-one Bolstar
Sixty-two Beastal
Sixty-three Procis
Sixty-four Salamon
Sixty-five Groombridge
Sixty-six Betelguese
Sixty-seven Stobart
Sixty-eight Gobin
Sixty-nine Adnam
Seventy Boston
Seventy-one Scheet
Seventy-two Nath
Seventy-three Stratt
Seventy-four Kriss
Seventy-five Bosch
Seventy-six Louis
Seventy-seven Borick
Seventy-eight Crupel
Seventy-nine Indi
Eighty Smeltzer
Eighty-one Crucis
Eighty-two Banka
Eighty-three Altair
Eighty-four Nollar
Eighty-five Schrader
Eighty-six Fabriticus
Eighty-seven Lucius
Eighty-eight Kuellar
Eighty-nine Kitaj
Ninety Bethal
Ninety-one Britius
Ninety-two Colcis
Ninety-three Centaur
Ninety-four Sopul
Ninety-five Jonah
Ninety-six Vierny
Ninety-seven Ritback
Ninety-eight Rostra
Ninety-nine Procyon
and a hundred Elektra
What are you
doing up so late?
I'm counting
the stars.
Do you really know
all their names?
Yes I do.
How many did
you count ?
A hundred.
There are more
than a hundred.
I know.
Why did
you stop?
A hundred
is enough.
Once you've counted to a hundred,
all the other hundreds are the same.
Take your
clothes off girl.
My name's Nellie and there's not
room in that bath for two of us.
Who says two's
going in it?
I'm surprised you haven't
got a proper bath.
I like a
tin bath.
Take that light
further off.
What are you
frightened of?
Ashamed I might see your underwear?
Or aren't you wearing any?
I'm cold standing here!
I want a bath too!
There's one outside
under the apple tree.
Moonlight, Good
for the complexion
Oh Cissy!
We've been using
your soap.
Hey it's her birthday today,
and I took her out to celebrate.
Why don't you wish her
happy birthday Cissy.
She's as naked
as a new
born babe.
Nothing wrong with
that is there Cissy?
You're not supposed
to be here.
You're supposed to
be playing cards,
backgammon, newmarket and whist,
then 2 in a row ,
along with your friend...
Madgett...
Hey get a towel Cissy
she's drunk too much
If you play the
cards right Cissy
well you can get your clothes
off and come in here too.
I've had a wash
She gave me
one. Nancy...
One...
I've had a wash
already Cissy
Nancy gave
it to me
Nancy gave it to me,
lets play a game...
Three...
Smut
Get up and
answer the phone!
In the game of
dawn card castles,
52 playing cards
are stacked up into a
castle in a draft free space.
The player can determine
the dreams of the next night
if he awakes before
the castle collapses.
Those players who
wish to dream of romance
build their castles
with the 7 of hearts.
He's put a lot of
weight on recently.
You'll wake him and
he'll want to eat.
The only time he stops
eating is when he's asleep.
Is it warm
enough for this?
I phoned Madgett,
he didn't answer.
What did you want
to do that for?
I've just
drowned Jake.
Do all fat men
have little penises?
I don't know mother, I've not
known...what do you mean?
When you first met Hardy
did he have a moustache?
What do you mean you
just drowned Jake ?
I don't like
the beard.
No neither do I, I'm trying to
persuade him to shave it off.
What do you mean
you've just drowned Jake ?
Yes, I need your
help to move her.
- Move who?
- Nancy
Nancy who?
Nancy Gill, she
calls herself Nel.
What has she got to do with it?
Have you drowned her too?
He doesn't smell
very fresh, does he?
He looks pregnant,
I like these creases.
We better phone
Madgett again.
Perhaps he
can help us.
"Us", mother ?
The game "flights of Fancy"
or "Reverse Strip Jump"
is played
from as high a jumping point
as a competitor will dare.
After each
successful jump,
the competitor is
allowed to put on
an article
of clothing.
Damn!
What are we going to say
if we meet someone?
It depends
who it is.
"Morning, just taking Nancy home,
she popped round for a bath."
She could lose
some weight.
Everyone seems to
be getting fatter.
Jake must've thought things
were getting better all the time.
I was only 25 when
your father died.
And plump enough.
Look at
her thumbs.
Seamstresses thumbs,
well turned.
Was Jake interested
in thumbs?
Eh not especially
as I remember.
Mother are you
going to sneeze?
No, I can smell
something.
It's Smut.
Oh Madgett must keep him from
using that paint. It makes such a mess.
What's the smell?
It's gunpowder, Smut's been
celebrating our corpse.
Ah! It's
still wet.
Sheep are
especially sensitive
to the exact moment
of the turn of the tide.
In this game,
nine tethered sheep, react
pull on the stakes
jog the chairs and
rattle the tea cups.
Madgett, where the hell do
you keep all these sheep?
Don't you
like sheep?
Shoo them away if
you don't like them.
Bets are taken on
the combined sensitivity
of any line
of 3 sheep,
read vertically,
horizontally or diagonally.
Since there are normally
it is normal practise to
take the best of 3 results.
Reliable clocks, calendars
and timetables
are used to determine the
accuracy of the sheep's forecast.
Did you
remember?
Yes. Now they are
slightly damaged,
be careful.
Why didn't you answer
the phone earlier Smut?
I never answer the phone
until the cock crows 3 times.
It's nice to see
you both so early.
How's Hardy?
He's alright.
What are
they doing?
They're playing
"Sheep and Tides".
Sheep are much maligned
don't you think?
Smut and I are testing
their intelligence.
It's an Old Testament game.
No it's not.
Isn't it?
Have some heart...
How's Jake?
No thank you...
and Jake's alright.
Mother, that's
not true.
What are you
doing Smut?
I'm counting the
hairs on the dog.
- What ever for?
- To see how many there are.
Madgett, I think you
ought to come and see Jake.
Smut
Go and give Gregory
and Teigan some tea.
What about
the sheep?
They need to be
thirsty to be useful.
Why do I have to
come and see Jake?
Is he dead?
Good lord, how
did you know?
I didn't.
I feel ill.
It's those
mushrooms.
I've got to
lie down.
For God's sake Madgett, why
have you have to feel ill now?
Look I'm going to phone Cissy, tell
her that Nancy needs a visit.
Madgett I've got to
talk to you about Jake.
Oh Cissy, I can't
talk now, I feel ill.
Tell Smut when he comes back
I need some warm milk
and some lemon juice...
and a straw.
In the game of
sheep and tides,
a referee should be appointed
to determine fair-play
distinguishing correct reactions
from other interferences.
On account of their special
relationship with sheep
shepherds are disqualified..
The tides on
the turn now!
No, not yet.
No, you fool!
No you
missed it!
You can't go by the book.
You have to watch...
very carefully.
What happened?
I drowned him
in his bath.
Oh God!
Come and see,
it looks natural.
Madgett, you are going to help me,
pull yourself together.
I am?
and what is
in it for me?
Madgett, you're coroner.
For God's sake stop reminding me...
but that's nice.
Try a bit lower.
Shall I leave now? While you two
come to some sort of agreement?
Don't be stupid.
I couldn't find
any lemon juice,
you'll have to do with one
chocolate pudding.
Oh Madgett...oh
come on Madgett
Cissy
I'm in no especial hurry
to assist your crimes.
Madgett, there's a
corpse in my house.
It's only
your husband.
The flies are
settling on him.
Brush them off,
use a newspaper.
Madgett, I want
legal aid, not a fly swat.
A great many things are dying
very violently all the time.
The best days for violent
deaths are Tuesdays
they are the
yellow paint days.
Saturdays are
second best, or worst.
Saturdays are
red paint days.
The Great Death
game is therefore
a contest between red paint
days and yellow paint days.
So far yellow paint
days are winning
by thirty one corpses
to twenty nine.
Whatever the colour,
a violent death is always
celebrated by a firework.
He is dead.
Well done, Madgett !
What did
he die of?
Well....he drowned.
- Did he?
- Of course
Why did
he die?
There's a strong
smell of alcohol.
So there is.
He drowned
in his bath,
due to
excessive drinking?
Unlikely.
Even in the most
disadvantageous circumstances,
human beings have an almost
involuntary desire to stay alive.
What's the
answer then?
- What's the reward?
- Reward?
Yes
What do I get for writing out
a death certificate that says :
"Death caused by drowning
after heart attack due to excessive drinking"?
Madgett I'm appalled!
I see.
What do you
want Madgett?
Well Cissy...
I'd have thought
you'd have guessed.
No, you tell me.
Is this the moment
when we leave the room?
Yes. The second
tub needs emptying.
Well?
Well...
A little bodily comfort
would be good for a start...
Madgett, I am
sixty one.
Aren't I too
old for you?
Were you too
old for him?
Cissy
You've not been unaware
of how I felt about you?
Well it's a bit
soon isn't it?
Smut which are you first?
A ghoul or a mathematician?
Neither I'm
just a clerk.
Modest!
I could wait...
a little while...
I think you'd have to,
to stop tongues wagging.
But not too long.
This is blackmail.
Yes.
If a player in the game of Dead
Man's Catch, drops a skittle
he is obliged to suffer a
succession of handicaps
First
to catch using one hand
then to catch
kneeling on one knee
then on two knees,
and then with one eye closed.
If a player finally drops a
catch with both eyes closed,
then he is out and must take
his place in the winding sheet.
Madgett, what sort
of game is this?
One to be
played with skill.
Some skill!
It's kids game..
That was a lousy
throw Smut.
Stop complaining
and use one hand.
Look Madgett this is no
time for playing games,
What would
everybody think?
Let them think
what they like.
Is Cissy upset?.
Best to keep her mind occupied,
down on one knee , Bellamy.
These are my best trousers!
I came to pay my respects.
Well you can pay your
respects kneeling.
I can't spend all my times
paying games Cissy.
What's your time
worth Hardy?
I was married to Jake for 34 years,
surely you can spare him a few minutes.
Is he going to be buried
or cremated Cissy?
Cremated.
and where are you going
to scatter the ashes?
Don't worry,
I'll find a suitable place for those.
You're hard
hearted.
and you're a lousy catch,
no eyes and no hands!
Into the winding sheet
Hardy, you're dead.
God you're a
little ghoul Smut.
Who is your
father?
No hands
Bellamy.
Alright! You did that
on purpose Smut !
Into the winding sheet, Bellamy.
It's only a game.
The way Madgett plays it you'd
think it meant something
Well of course it does.
It means you're
a lousy catch.
So, Madgett,
what's the verdict?
Accidental
death of course.
Into the winding
sheet Smut !
Into the winding
sheet Madgett !
I've found you
three more stars.
Cygnia Beta, Castor Minor
and Groombridge 35.
There in the North,
between the twins and Ursula Minor,
Over by
Cissy's house.
Why don't you skip out on
the road? There's more room.
Are you circumcised?
What's that?
A piece of your willy is
cut off, it's in the bible.
My mother says, it's
better that way.
These are the photos of Madgett's game
for taking Jake to the funeral parlour.
Who is that?
It's Cissy's boyfriend,
His name is Bellamy.
On his deathbed,
Prime Minister Pitt said :
"I think I could eat one
of Bellamy's pork pies."
When are you going to break away
from that butt and come and live with me.
I'll marry you on
two conditions.
What are they?
That you learn
to swim...
and never,
never, take me
from the front.
I've told
you before.
Why the
hell not?
because I can't stand being lain on
and it gives me claustrophobia.
Besides,
you won't
hurt the baby.
What baby?
That scared you
didn't it?
What baby?
There's no baby you dope, though the way
you go about it I'm constantly surprised.
Fancy a plumber not
being able to swim.
What's water for?
Drinking perhaps?
Alright Cissy, why
did you do it?
Because he was
unfaithful.
He's been unfaithful before,
why did you wait until now?
Because
Because he'd stopped
washing his feet... because...
his nose was
too red...
because he had a
hairy backside...
because...
I didn't kill him,
he drowned.
I drowned him.
- Was it easy?
- Yes
What is it?
What is it?
Oh Smut!
What have
you found?
How old
is Nancy?
Older than me
and bigger tits.
What does
that mean?
It means Jake made
a play for me once.
He what?
and me.
What a dirty
old man.
Why have you
told me now?
It might help.
I didn't
like him.
Is that sufficient
reason to drown him?
Madgett says it is.
That's pretty irresponsible
for a coroner.
Isn't it?
If you ask him nicely he might be
irresponsible enough to help you.
That's Smut
We lose one,
win one.
What?
A husband.
I've got some
news for you.
Bellamy and me...
or is it "I"?
have decided on a date,
the 31st of this month.
It's a Saturday.
Well you don't look
too excited about it.
Madgett will be
pleased for me.
He, least of all.
Moths?
Yes. Look up those.
Elephant Hawk Moth.
I want
a baby.
At nineteen?
Cissy, you are mad.
I thought you wanted to spend
your life swimming, not bearing children.
Bellamy can't
even swim.
- I don't think he can change a lightbulb.
- I know.
Championship women swimmers
always have their sons early.
and how sure are you
that it will be a boy?
Capable women
normally have girls.
What do
you want?
I'm hot.
Is it true it's desirable to be
circumcised in a hot climate?
So they say.
Was Samson
circumcised?
Does it hurt?
I don't remember.
What does
it look like?
Nothing special. Look..
Now go to bed.
Was Delilah circumcised?
Do they circumcise women?
Sort of...
in hot countries.
- It's hot here.
- So it is
Did they do
it to Cissy?
I doubt it
very much.
Was Jake
circumcised?
You better ask Cissy.
Is circumcision
barbaric?
Some say so.
Now go to bed,
and anything unanswered about
man's barbarity to women,
you can ask Cissy in the
morning, she's an authority.
now let
me write.
Sid !
Number 41. It's by the bridge
in Cattermole Road.
What's he doing?
He's counting the bees,
always counting something.
Bees should be told
about a death.
That only applies to blood
relatives doesn't it?.
Isn't she going to
be a blood relative?
Isn't who?
Cissy, Jake's widow.
Gregory!
What makes
you think that??
Isn't that why you signed the
death certificate "heart attack"?
Good lord, Gregory,
what an imagination.
I know. I got it
from my mother.
Mothers have a lot
to answer for.
Oh sorry it's Smut, here
have a newspaper.
Smut
You're late, you're
supposed to be swimming.
Gregory, come and try this new
game with me. You too, Nancy.
I've got to go, you've forgotten
to tell Madgett about...
He doesn't want to know
about them! Silly girl!
Right then Nancy,
see you later.
Mind the sheep!
The game Bees of the Trees
is a variant of Musical Chairs
it is best played with funeral
music and in open air.
The object of the game is to sit on
a vacant chair when the music stops.
If the chair sat on is
previously occupied by bees,
it is permissible to
arrange a professional foul.
Are you
Cissy Colpitt ?
I am but there
are others.
Our name's Bognor.
B.O.G.N.O.R.
I am Jonah and
this is Moses
We're cousins
of the dead man.
What dead man?
Come on don't be stupid.
Jake of course.
Pleased to meet you.
Are you in training too?
Training?
For the
Olympics.
No, are you?
Yes
Well my coach
is over there.
The one in the red beret
trained with Dawn Fraser.
The other one swam with
Esther Williams in Stockholm.
I thought Esther Williams,
was a singer?
Do you know
those two men?
Wait a minute... they do
look vaguely familiar...
They know you.
They do?
They're Jake's cousins,
they're called Moses and Jonah.
The water's
a connection
How much do you think
body hair is appreciably....
...responsible for extra drag
Miss Freilichberg?
Pardon?
Do you think I ought to
shave and not just my legs?
What do you think
I'd look like bald?
What?
Did Bellamy and
you do that??
???swimming??
When I need to impress
I expect support.
Pardon.
The turn...
it is essential that the
muscles of the pelvis
move at 45 degrees at an
angle to the front.
Johnny Weissmullers...
stop that...legs
Oh Smut
Here's your towel.
It's alright, these
have been counted.
Look!
A man that is born of a woman
has but a short time to live...
You know why they built the
crematorium here don't you??
The ground is so water
logged around here..
...that you can't dig a grave
without making a pond..
Ask Sid.
As it is they hold these services at low
tide in case the water puts the fire out! - Cissy!
Here comes the bit
I've never liked..
Bite your lip and start
counting in threes.
What are
they doing?
They're counting.
They often do it.
Are you the
local coroner?
How come a
six foot man
drowned in a
four foot bath?
He died of a
heart attack.
A bit inconvenient to have a
heart attack in a bath isn't it?.
It's a bit inconvenient to
have a heart attack anywhere.
What would you say if we said
we don't agree with your verdict?
I'd say you'd better find me
some evidence to the contrary.
How's about "Why were there
two baths?", eh Madgett?
I had a sort of complaint
recently from Nancy..
She came to me to complain of
erm...red paint on her leg
lost shoes and....
some other I gather rather
embarrassing missing article.
- Her knickers.
- Really?
How do you
know that??
Because she paid me to go into
your kitchen and look for them.
She what?
Well she used to be my
Sunday School teacher.
She taught me the ten
commandments - not to lie...
Not to commit adultery...
Shut up Cissy
and I found them
under your sink,
put them in my pocket and
told her they weren't there.
Which was true because
they were in my pocket.
and here they are.
They would of cost another 50 pence.
That shows great
presence of mind.
and a taste
for business.
Well that
settles it then.
If I go down you all
go down with me.
Look who's there.
Nancy.
and the two swimmers
from the baths.
and Bellamy.
Perhaps there's
a conspiracy.
A water tower conspiracy.
Set to accuse you,
Cissy, of drowning.
Rubbish!
The object of hangman's
cricket is for each competitor
to retain his
alloted nine lives
by scoring runs
with a cat or bat,
defending his lower leg from
being struck by the ball.
There is no limit to
the number of players
as long as each has an identity
agreed by the two referees.
Now bat harder or
play without shoes!
This game of yours Madgett has
everything in it except the kitchen sink.
Thank you.
When played inland Mrs Hardy...
The more important identities
are the emperor,
the red queen, the widow,
the fat lady,
the dunce, the judge,
the hangman,
the harlot
Come on you two, out!
the businessman, the maiden
Go and do your
fornication elsewhere.
It's not fornication any more
You buy a marriage licence
and it becomes legal
Not on my couch
it doesn't.
I'll give you 3 minutes to make yourself decent.
Hasn't the novelty worn off yet.
Well you see Hardy, we've only
been married for two hours.
Oh like hell!
Every cow in every field in the district
has seen the colour of your arse Bellamy.
Crabby idiot!
Hey do you think
he ever did it?
Ask Cissy.
The adulterer can only
play with the harlot..
when each has an even
number of lives above twelve
I am Marina, I'm Bellamy's
sister. Are you Madgett ? - I am
If I am in mourning, why do
I have to catch one handed?
Grief is a handicap my dear.
So is not being
able to see.
The mother in-law is only
allotted 5 runs at a time
after which she must defer
to the gravedigger
who is allowed to add
the number of runs of each
competitor he bowls out to his own.
Out Hardy !
She's cheating!
I do not want to put fetish punch
and judy shows on lonely bachelors
nor do I run a bordello
for newly weds.
If the phone rings, or if
someone breaks their leg
or if you decide to play a proper
game I'll be in the sea swimming!
Hardy's right.
This is my wedding party, why
can't we play some proper cricket.
To dangerous!
The maiden is always
obliged to be a spectator
unless she is
partnered by the twins.
Good afternoon, remember us?
We're the Bognor brothers, I'm Jonah
- and I'm Moses.
- I remember
We'd like a word with you.
In private
if possible.
Well what the hell do you know about cricket?
it's no more dangerous than any other game.
Australia.
A blow to
the chest.
Scores 51 runs, then has heart
palpitations for 12 hours...
a cracked rib enters the
lung, coughing blood
dies the next day in bed with a
blonde surfer called Adeline.
Summer of 52. Blow to the
top of the head... coma...
His last know words are :
"Bugger Bognor".
No sorry that was
Edward the seventh.
Sorry chaps, no offence.
What's a matter with
Madgett? He hates cricket.
He's showing off.
He likes acting...
He might just be distracting everyone
from what's happening....
in the sea.
The business man can
be saved if he submits...
to a red queen
but in doing so he
must pay a forfit.
It's alright, it's
alright mother...Cissy
Get them out of here and
go and find some scissors.
I'm alright mother just leave
me alone I just want to be still.
If you have a hangman you
have to pair with a judge...
By the time we've learnt
your rules it'll be dark.
Anything worth learning
takes a little time.
Cut my hair
I'll feel better
You eat
too much.
The full flavour of the game of
hangman's cricket, is best appreciated
after the game has been
played for several hours.
By then every player has a
fair understanding of the many rules
and knows which character
he wants to play permanently.
Finally an outright
loser is found,
and is obliged to present
himself to the hangman
who is always merciless.
I haven't
found 54 yet.
Send her a horse chesnut tree
in Nightingale Lane.
Here it's near a
water hydrant.
Then Delilah cut off
Samson's hair, I think.
At a large party he summoned
up the last of his strength
held onto two pillars and
pulled the house down.
His last words were -
"and take good care of Nelly"
Who is Nelly?
This is Nelly
Although she sometimes
insists on being called Nancy.
It was Charles the second
His last words were -
"and take good care of Nelly"
Who told you that?
My mother, she said she'd
wished she'd been Nell Gwynne
Because she'd liked to
have serviced Charles II.
You really could skip
more out on the road.
The rope wouldn't slap on
the doorstep that way.
My mother says
I'm not to go out.
It's dangerous, there
are evil men about.
Hold still.
Alright next.
Off stump crease
Left handed bat
Left arm bowler.
New ball....soft ground
off spinner...oh
Too low.
Difficult to see how the ball hit him there but still.
Tolly Schriker, 1931.
Scored 58 runs with
one eye closed,
before falling down
pavilion steps.
Died in "Brisbane Municipal??"
another black cross.
Hold still.
Smut, pour Cissy
a cup of tea.
Oh don't bother, I'll pour if
you're busy playing cricket
Bellamy has given
me this idea
for a book of
cricketing deaths
games can be
very dangerous
Madgett you
could talk with Cissy
Why could I?
Marrying Bellamy isn't the best
thing she could've done
A bit
late now.
Why saddle herself
with his lechery?
Are you against lechery?
You know
I'm not.
How do I
know that?
You don't.
Try along
that hedge.
May I kiss
you?
If you like
just here though
Oh that's chaste.
Please believe I appreciate
your attentions,
but you'll have
to wait a little while.
and who knows, your
prospects might improve.
Cissy's more your age.
But don't go getting
ideas about Hardy
This time I'm not
playing games.
Don't you?
It's impossible
to tell with you
I don't think you really
know yourself do you?
May I see what I've
always wanted to see?
What is that?
You, without
any clothes on.
What a strange desire.
That's a strange
game Madgett.
Is it?
and here is certainly
not the time and place.
Are you going to the
police if I don't co-operate.
I might.
There was a man at Pulham Market,
who died in his car.
He was wealthy, a farmer.
He drove his car into
a wood near Thomstot
turned off the engine,
made himself comfortable
and quietly died.
I could find absolutely
nothing wrong with him.
I expect he died of unrequited love.
Is that what you do when you
can't find a reason for death.
write - "died of unrequited love"
In his case I wrote
"heart attack after bowls match"
Trust you to
put a game in.
You didn't stay long..
Where is
your torch.
I lost it.
What do you mean?
I'll come and
get it tomorrow
Did you catch
anything interesting?
Nothing much.
Lets go to my place and
I'll make some supper.
When you want something Hardy
how do you ask for it?
I say please.
Please Hardy
can we have a fuck.
Or if I'm in the office I'll pick
up the phone and dial 9.
Emergency, which service...
All I get is the police the ambulance or
the fire brigade, which one do you want.
- Do you want to speak to them?
- No thank you
Which service
do you require?
I'm sorry there is no fire, accident,
burglary, rape or murder.
yet
thank you
But don't go away because
we might need you.
I usually find that
one 9 suffices.
and if it doesn't
I write a note.
- A memorandum
- Yes
Well I suppose
I could try that
and if pressed, you know very well
I'll do the best I can to oblige.
- You're so considerate
- You're so imaginative
Well I have to be
for the two of us
Mind the juice doesn't
stain the sofa.
Show me
your tongue.
Just as I thought, it's yellow.
Does that mean
I'm unwell.
What do
you think?
A little colouring goes a long way
artificial colouring can be dangerous.
So can too much
abstinence
Hardy
Now I need
warming up.
My mother says
that hot tea
on a hot day
can make a body
feel very cool.
You're about to
make some tea?
I'm not
that thirsty.
What does your mother
say about swimming?
Reading between
the lines,
I'd say she's made at least one public
statement about bodies in water.
You Colpitt's women always have a lot of
trouble with men, why do you think that is?
I'll leave you to
think about that.
Oh I always think much
better in the bath.
I wonder if it was
the same with Jake?
I don't think Jake was
much of a thinking man.
I'm going for a swim.
Hope you drown.
Thank you.
You can look after
the typewriter.
Bugger your typewriter!
K.I.S.S.
M.E.
H.A.R.D.
Stupid bloody idiot.
What's the matter?
My stomach.
Don't fool around,
just get me out.
- I've just ruined your very best typewriter.
- You what?
and now I'm going to do
my best to drown you.
The Colpitt prerogative.
You're so stubborn
you won't sink
Get me out,
for god's sake.
Get me out.
You think I
can't do it?
Start drowning
you dope.
You haven't
a chance.
That was a preliminary,
here comes the real attempt.
It must be your money
that keeps you afloat.
You and your belly
are stubborn.
Please, I can't
move my legs
Help
Help please
Leave me now.
I want to be
alone with him.
We can't
leave you.
Yes you can
he's my husband
Where is your phone?
It's alright, you must
let me phone the police.
or the ambulance
or the fire brigade
and the coroner.
Are you sure you're
going to be alright?
If you want a witness
our name is Van Dyke.
Mr 70 and Mr 71 Van Dyke.
Smut go and
get the tea.
You women are getting
too proficient at this.
We aim to please
the coroner.
The body is
already undressed.
I did not imagine he went
swimming with his clothes on
Doesn't it make
it easier for you?
Nothing you do makes
it easier for me.
You've got to stop.
One is just possible,
two is very unlikely.
You have no prerogative
on drowning.
The coroners office
is inviolate
- Not violation.
- Yeah of course it's not.
Don't be so
melodramatic Madgett.
I feel ill.
Why do you always feel
ill at times like this?
It's the excitement,
it goes to my stomach.
Haha Id have thought you'd
have got over that by now.
It's only with
special cases.
Drownings?
Yes, and the women.
Women?
Yeah, and personal
involvements.
Haven't you heard
of coincidence?
I've heard
of it.
Doesn't it
appeal to you?
Only as an idea, not
as a police enquiry
Cissy
Where did
it happen?
On the beach.
Could you say where
exactly on the beach.
Oh it's covered now
with the tide.
Smut you haven't brought
your red paint?
No Cissy, today's Tuesday,
Tuesday's colour is yellow.
I am bound to say that I could try and
revive him even now, it has been know...
Don't be stupid
Madgett and don't try.
The man's name is
Hardy and not Lazarus.
Now let us turn to
page 72. Jean, 11
verse 23.
Jesus says unto them... :
my brother
I shouldn't take
it too seriously.
A great many things are dying
very violently all the time.
Ask Smut.
Small comfort
Madgett.
On the contrary,
I'd say a great relief.
Well I'd rather be alive and
alone than dead in company.
What are you
doing that for?
Smut... he quite liked Hardy...
and there's been a robbery
at the fireworks factory.
Water!
Hail Mary!
- Bloody hell, Madgett!
- Cissy!
Oh god there's those two
runners from the beach
and Nancy.
Hardy's mother,
Jake's cousin
I wonder what they're
planning now?
It's one conspiracy
against another.
Yours against theirs, yours
to drown and theirs to prosecute.
Bloody hell there's Bellamy
and he hates funerals.
I'm going to find out
what he's doing.
No don't
do that.
Drive on Madgett,
We don't want to get into a lot of
arguments with all this water over our heads.
Then this woman tipped a bowl of sugar and
a bottle of lemonade over his typewriter.
He went for a swim in the sea and
because he had eaten too much
he got stomach
cramps and drowned.
She gave him the kiss
of life but it didn't work.
She knew it
wouldn't.
She cut all his hair of with a pair
of blunt scissors, just like Delilah.
This game's called hangman's cricket
What's that
about hangmen?
It's a game of cricket, you
really need 75 players.
six sides of 12
and 3 umpires.
Have you got any
more of these?
Hundreds.
- Where do they come from?
- I've taken them
You've taken them?
I don't believe you
What was all
that about?
- Nothing, he's a friend of my mothers.
- I'm going to another party tonight.
A dance hall over-looking
the sea with lights.
We'd have crab paste,
sprats in batter
and be sick in
air-line bags
We're each going to be given a
black rabbit as a going home present.
How come a non-swimmer belongs
to a water tower conspiracy Bellamy??
What?
A water
tower conspiracy.
You've noticed?
Come on!
It's just a convenient
place to meet.
What and is there
a subscription list?
Yes
All those that think the
Colpitt's deaths are not accidental.
I guessed
that much.
What do you intend
doing about it?
For a start get
Madgett investigated.
That sounds business like, are you
going to alert the water board?
- Poor cows.
- Bloody hell.
This is no blood,
it's red paint!
That little ghoul's
been here already!
I thought I could
smell gun powder...
I thought it was
the smell of death.
It's too early for
that yet...
Bellamy, this
conspiracy of yours...
Do you regard me
as an accessory?
'cause if I am I better
get rid of you quick.
I'd like to
see you try.
I don't think you're allowed
to screw your wife in prison.
So I suggest that if you
are seriously thinking of it..
you make good use
of my free time now.
- Kiss my back side.
- No
Not here
you fool!
Why not?
Alright Smut, try
the hawthorns.
Well Cissy
Will you
marry me?
No Madgett.
I could never
marry a coroner.
I could never be sure that
you'd washed your hands.
Besides, how could I
trust a game player?
I'm not playing games
at this particular moment.
Well you're far more entertaining
when you are Madgett.
Besides, you're far more valuable
to me as a friend
than a coroner.
How about
as a lover?
Well
I admit to
drowning Hardy,
possibly for not being
a satisfactory lover.
Give or take an inch you
could get into his trousers,
but I don't think I drowned him
so that you could get into his bed.
Cissy is looking for
a father figure.
But much as I dislike Bellamy, don't go
getting ideas, remember. You're a coroner.
All coroners see
are corpses.
Well they won't
reject you.
Tell me Madgett, have you ever fallen
in love with one of your corpses?
Yes, several.
Did you ever...
do anything?
I once kissed an old lady of 82...
on the forehead.
She was twice
my age.
Is that all? Was
she the only one?
No but I'm not
saying any more.
Oh really Madgett!
Tell me.
I once sat up all night
with a young girl who had
been run over by cows.
There wasn't a mark on her but
her skull had been fractured.
She was 19.
She had blonde hair
and bright blue eyes.
If she was dead how could
you see the colour of her eyes?
Ah well that was the problem. I
couldn't bring myself to close themr.
They were beautiful.
So what
did you do?
I sat next to her
and held her hand...
and I'm not saying anymore but
I wasn't invited to the funeral.
I tell you what,
you can come to mine.
I'm inviting you
now, and...
I don't mind on the whole if
you take a few liberties.
as long as they're
not too gross.
Infact if I was very old I'd
probably be very flattered.
I would prefer to be encouraged
to take liberties now.
Well I certainly don't
feel like it at the moment.
My reputation is at stake thanks
to you and your mother
and I'm quite sure that Smut
would not want a father who's...
...an accomplice
to murder.
He understands.
Coroners need corpses.
Like grave diggers
need corpses.
Notice how Sid follows him
around like a black shadow?
Sid's known him
since he was a baby.
He's certainly going to be very
interesting when he grows up.
Yes I've noticed how you're
all so very fond of kissing him.
Where has
he gone?
He's probably
sloped off home.
We must go
black berrying.
You could come
with us.
No thank you.
Smut'll need to count them
and his counting drives
me up the wall.
Smut, are
you in?
His light's on,
he's probably asleep.
I wonder if he's
caught anything.
My god... Smut !
He's circumcised himself.
Call a doctor.
I can't look.
What did you do it with?
It's alright Cissy, I
sterilised the scissors.
It's not funny.
Stop striking about in the water
like a stranded fish.
Use your
legs Bellamy!
You're just here to
make fun of me.
No don't, come on lets try
a link, take your floats off.
No I'm not
ready yet.
Yes you are, come here..
Don't.
Someone might
come in.
You said we had
the place to ourselves.
Frightened of being seen
wallowing in the water like a baby?
Come here
You are getting more
confident in water.
Take your
costume off.
Don't worry, I've locked the
doors. Here's the key, look.
Madgett, what the
devil are you doing here?
Picking blackberries.
We've been looking
everywhere for you.
Well we've been
picking blackberries..
Vitamin C is very
good for eunuchs.
I don't use mine,
and Smut can't use
his for the moment.
Madgett, are you drunk?
You can't get drunk on
blackberries can you?
You smell
I do, well I haven't had
a bath since Monday.
Well you couldn't say
that about Bellamy.
Oh yes, he's been
bathing too has he?
Perhaps drinking
it a little?
Maybe with a bit
of chlorine in it?
and drinking enough perhaps
to put out a fire like this?
How did
you know?
Drowning like most
things come in threes.
You're sinister.
I am sinister?
What's dead now?
Just about everything.
Just about everything
in this feild I should think.
There's Jonah and Moses, Jake's cousins.
I didn't know they were keen runners.
Good lord
there's Nancy
What's all this
running for?
Why have
you stopped?
I've had enough, I'm
not helping anymore.
You must.
Why, why
must I do it?
Madgett you're up
to your neck in this.
It didn't take you long to
drown your husband did it.
Three weeks,
will they give me bail?
Well you only had one husband, so
you can't drown another, so they might
Do they have swimming
pools in prison?
Unlikely.
How come you only
gave him three weeks?
I was disappointed.
I don't really understand why you had
to find out that you didn't know before.
If that
was only it.
I don't understand why
you had to do it at all.
Loyalty you dope, and
I got what I wanted.
I'm going
to be sick.
What do you mean you
got what you wanted?
Madgett, can I speak here or
do you want to come outside?
You can
speak here.
You have your
permission, go ahead.
Well we went looking
for you at your house.
We found these.
Then we discovered some more in
a house on Amsterdam Road.
and lets say, we obtained
some from another source.
Perhaps you'd like
to talk about them?
What do you
want me to say?
To a casual eye they
could be suspicious.
Could they?
Cissy, look at these.
It's Smut, he's put on a
lot of weight in a month
These are good
aren't they.
How did
he do it?
In the hospital report
I believe your son was taken in for what
can only be described as sexual mutilation
You better ask
Smut about that
You better know Madgett
you're under investigation
Whatever for?
For procuring pornography
and maybe child abuse
Why don't you throw in a
little light necrophilia as well?
You see Madgett, I told you.
Smut'll get you in the end.
We're here to discuss my husband
and not the family photographs.
He could so easily have
changed the bulb.
Here, this
might help.
I like his
feet.
I like his
shoulders.
What do you like?
I like a natural
death.
Is any death
natural?
I liked his
bollocks.
Are widows eligible for the Olympic Games?
What on earth do you
keep all these sheep for?
I keep them for
emergencies.
What emergency?
Sleepless nights.
I count best
at night.
We all count
best at night.
That's it Smut, not an inch further
or I'll shake you out of that tree
What's he doing?
He's counting
the leaves.
Whatever for?
Have you never wondered how
many leaves there are on a tree?
Never
Or fish in
the sea?
Nope
- Or hairs on your head?
- No
On this Saturday we'll put
the ashes in the sea
or rather the river.
You Madgett
can be a witness.
What do you
want a witness for?
To make sure we do it
correctly of course.
Isn't it
illegal?
No
We're altogether here
no need for secrecy.
What on earth made
you choose this place?
I thought the water tower would mean
we could keep them under surveillance.
Who officially
invited them?
They invited
themselves.
Are you sure Madgett
didn't say something?
and there's the
pyrotechnical expert.
It just won't light,
it's too damp.
It's not surprising, Bellamy was
pretty wet out of the water.
What's that smell?
- That man has a nose for a corpse
- His son is quicker.
What are they?
You know you've got yours
coming to you don't you?
An invitation to that
field near Brough
which is surrounded
by that thick hedge
where Smut is sent to catch moths
and never returns with any
Madgett's harmless.
He's really only interested in
games and chocolate pudding.
I wouldn't mind.
What wouldn't
you mind.
It would be like
sleeping with your uncle.
It would be like
bribing the referee.
- What would?
- More than a referee
Poor Madgett, it's like the story
of Billy Goat Gruff.
What is?
Well with Madgett as the
goblin under the bridge.
Do you think the grass is really
greener across the stream
Without a doubt.
Here's a herring, do you
think they're edible?
Well now Cissy
it's your turn.
I like his
hands.
I might let him touch me
then I'll tell you all about it.
Well you are the
last in the line.
What if you were
to be disappointed?
That might spoil it, you better
not go too far then
If one of us were
to make it with him,
surely it would exclude
the other two?
I doubt if Madgett could get it
up three times in an afternoon.
Madgett we've been
talking about you.
I know.
Could you get it up three times
in an afternoon Madgett?
I'd like to try, it
depends who's asking.
Hey look at these.
These fish are
all numbered, look.
Smut, did you
organise this?
Are you going to try the same thing
on me as you tried on the others?
You don't think Bellamy drowned
to make way for you do you?
It's strange.
What is?
How this feild is synonomous
with my failure.
Where's Smut?
Oh he wouldn't
come anymore.
I don't blame him.
Three rebuffs in the same place
that must be a record.
Sounds to me like you should
have more imagination.
You can't swim, can you?
Anyway I'm too
young for you
Suppose you're in a good
position to try blackmail.
You could put all three of
us away if you wanted to.
That's the last
thing I want to do.
I believe you.
As you've had such
bad luck with the others
I'll let you go a
little of the way.
As compensation ?
Put your
hand here.
I've watched you
watching me.
I've watched you
watching all of us.
Do you think we're
the same woman?
Sometimes I do.
Just because we've all
got the same name?
No no
Why then?
Because of your
camaraderie
Our what?
Your friendship for
one another.
Do you know that
I'm pregnant?
Was three
weeks enough?
Ha Madgett don't
be so innocent.
Three weeks was long
enough to legitamise
You can kiss
me here.
Will I taste anything?
Not yet
you dope.
Take the
rest off.
No Madgett, I'm a
widow of 48 hours.
Madgett that's enough!
You must be satisfied with small
services, a little at a time
Must I?
Was saving you from
prison a small service?
It was death
through misadventure.
Was it? There's a lot of people round
here don't think that way at all.
To hell with
the others.
You're deliberatly
provoking me.
Am I?
Thank you for making
me see reason.
About Bellamy.
That wasn't me,
that was Cissy.
No well you made
it possible
I knew when I
married Bellamy
with you around when the
time came I could drown him.
No
Madgett is this
attempted rape?
You Colpitt women
have used me
Madgett you're supposed
to be harmless
You have
destroyed me.
Don't be so
melodramatic!
The best days for violent deaths
are Tuesdays in the afternoon.
The safest time of all is
Friday night...tonight infact.
Are you going to
a party tonight?
Yes, on a boat.
We're to have pineapple fruit salad, cheese
with walnuts and I'm going to dance.
and I'm going
to dance.
Elsie, I love you.
- I've done what you asked me to do.
- What's that?
I circumsised myself,
do you want to look?
No thank you,
not today.
Smut, get in.
Bye
- Well what's the game today??
- Tug of War.
I hope you've recovered,
don't look so miserable
you were
sorely provoked.
Who's going to
play this game?
The good and
the evil.
Who's good
and who's evil?
It depends on
how you look at it.
What are they
playing for?
Me and what's left
of my reputation.
The man or
the coroner?
Both, if they
win I give in.
If who wins?
Oh god Madgett
did you invite them?
They have a nose
for funerals.
There are
seven of them.
Then we
can't complain.
Madgett what
are you up to?
Well...
They ought to be
here didn't they?
You don't want to be accused
of secret burials do you?
and since there are obviously
no rewards for me helping you
I thought enough
was enough.
I've arranged to let the outcome
hang on a game of wit and strength.
Come on Madgett you'll
never get them to play.
If the stakes are
high enough they will.
Madgett we're not
letting you go that easily.
Letting me go?
If I go, you go too.
those are
the stakes.
Madgett we won't
party to this.
Your game playing
is your business.
We're not playing games anymore I've had
enough of game playing this is serious.
and besides you're better
playing games than I am.
This game is
very dangerous.
I told you, all games
are dangerous.
What games? I thought we
were here burying ashes.
I see you've got the
grave digger with you.
Sid's going to row the boat, that's
all. The ashes are going on the river.
A nice provocative gesture.
We thought as a fitting
send off we'd play a game.
- A game?
- What sort of game?
Watch him, he's always
playing games.
Don't worry Nancy
we'll look after you.
- Watch what you're saying to my sister!
- Shut up!
- We felt we owed you an explanation.
- Shut up Madgett.
An explanation? you owe us
more than a bloody explanation
Alright, we'll play your game
We'll win easily and then we'll wrap
the rope around your neck Madgett.
If you win you'll get
your explanation.
Right, come on
The game of Tug of War
is played with as many people
as there is room
for along the rope
the sides need to be evenly
matched with weight and strength
to make it an
interesting contest.
At an agreed signal
each team tries to pull the
other over an agreed mark
or space previously
decided on
Seven a side is an ideal number
of players for Tug of War
Quick in the boat
We've won!
Sid, Gregory,come on we've got
to get Madgett into the boat.
There's a storm
coming up Madgett.
Can you swim?
I thought not.
The object of this game is to dare
to fall with a noose round your neck
from a place officially high
enough off the ground
such that the
fall will hang you.
The object of the game
is to punish those
who have caused
great unhappiness
by their
selfish actions
This is the best
game of all
because the winner
is also the loser
and the judges decision
is always final.
What on earth is Smut
celebrating? We lost
He arranged a little spectacle for
the scattering of the ashes.
Thoughtfull boy.
Well Madgett, how do you
feel about things now?
Just the same
As I said, we lost.
I've had enough.
Madgett, we haven't lost
and there's no question
of any of us giving in.
What are you
going to do?
There's a storm coming up,
I thought I'd be prepared.
Are you going to
undress to Madgett?
That way we could make it
look like a proper accident.
Now Madgett, off with your clothes,
it'll make it a neater ending.
What an opportunity.
Alone on an open boat
with the women you love
and an invitation to undress.
Don't worry about Smut.
He'll be all right.
First, the
burial service.
In loving memory
of a gardener.
In loving memory
of a businessman.
In loving memory of
an unemployed
non-swimmer.